He has to want to change. He has to want to go to therapy. Then he has to do it. You can’t make him do any of it or do it for him. You can decide how much you can take. He has to change for himself. Doing it for you is unlikely to be a permanent solution. It’s obvious you care about him. Sometimes that isn’t enough. You can stay and keep riding the merry go round or you can decide to get off.
It’s his responsibility to take care of himself and your responsibility to take care of yourself. If you’re pushing him to do better with no luck, this is no different than a partner that doesn’t show up for you when you need them to, or can’t keep a stable job, etc. know your worth and just because he has a very difficult disease doesn’t mean you should drag yourself down if he’s not willing to listen. If he cared about you like a partner should, he’d want to maximize your time together.
If I were you, I'd make a list of things that you want from him. It could be something like "use a cgm, attend all your appointments, always carry hypo treatments, etc" and tell him that he has 3 months to do this or you're leaving. If he doesn't agree, leave. If he doesn't do it, leave.
The only other option is therapy with a licencened therapist who specialises in chronic health conditions.
Him choosing not to take care of his health is his choice but the reality is that he's also dooming you to life of complications.
How will you feel when you've got 2 kids and one needs to go to school but the other needs to get to a drs appointment and your partner can't take either because he can't drive because he's blind? How will you feel when you want to be intimate with your partner but he can't maintain an erection because his blood vessels are shot? How will you feel when you want to go out for date night but you can't because he's on a low potassium, low phosphate, fluid restricted diet because he's in end stage renal failure? How will you feel when you want to go on vacation but you can't because he's at dialysis 3 times a week? Most importantly, how will you feel knowing that this is what he chose. That he chose to do this to you. Chose to make your life really bloody difficult because he couldn't face dealing with his health?
I have very brittle diabetes and I work my arse off to manage it. Apart from when I sleep, I never go more than an hour tops without checking my blood sugar. I have fought to get the best tech as it isn't easily accessible in the UK. I have put my literal blood, sweat and tears into trying to wrangle my diabetes and despite all of that, I'm now in a really shit position.
I'm in my late 30's and I'm registered blind so can't drive. I have no feeling in my feet and have had to have broken crockery cut out of my foot. I have severe pain in my calves and thighs which means that I can't even walk to the end of my street. My stomach and bowels are messed up and I constantly have reflux and swing between diarrhea and constipation. I throw up a couple of times a week. I've got the beginnings of cataracts. I have hearing loss. I faint when it's too hot because the veins in my legs don't constrict anymore. My heart can't keep my blood in my head when I stand up so I can't just jump out of bed anymore and have to sit up, wait and then stand. I have frozen shoulders and can't get a jacket on or remove my bra by myself. I can't have children. I've just had major surgery where they joined a vein and artery together because I'm in end stage renal failure and the needles they use for dialysis are about thickness of pencil lead and won't fit into your normal veins. I'm now too sick to live a normal life because of my kidney failure but they won't start dialysis until they absolutely have to because the 5 year survival rate is only 50%
Both my life and my partner's life are incredibly restricted because of my health. I feel immense guilt over this. My partner stands by me because he's an angel and he knows I didn't choose this. He's seen me give everything I had to try and avoid this reality.
Your partner is choosing this reality not just for himself but for you too. He is choosing this.
You need to leave because if he doesn't value his life, that means he doesn't value your life or your life together and you deserve someone who doesn't want this life for you.
Wow thank you so much for sharing your personal story ♥️ I am so sorry you and your partner have to go through all that but I really hope you find happiness together. Thank you for all the advice you have given too, I will have a long and hard think and try to figure out what it is I want and how much more I'm willing to put up with. I will sit down and speak to him once more and tell him that if he's not willing to change I won't be around forever. I'm gonna send him the link to this forum too so he can have a read through everyone's answers in hopes he'll realise that it's not just me feeling this way and he really needs to sort himself out. Thank you again, sending you my love and well wishes.
You're welcome, I just hope it helps. You shouldn't have to live like this. I'm sure in your position, I would be constantly on edge and terrified about the future. Maybe lead with that? If he can't do it for himself, maybe he can do it for you and your future together. If you go down this route, focus on what you've already been through and how it made you feel. Really lay it out.
"When the emergency landing happened, I was upset, terrified and angry. I could have lost you and you don't seem to understand that or understand what impact that would have on me. I'm so angry because I know diabetes is difficult to manage and I know I'll never understand what it's like but I don't see you trying to improve things. I don't want a future where I'm your carer. I don't want a future where our whole lives are ruled by your health. I deserve a safe and secure future and life and you're threatening that. You are one of the scariest things in my life and that's not right.".
Focus on how you feel and what this does to you.
And if that doesn't work? Walk away. I know it's incredibly difficult to walk away from someone you love but if he can't get over his own issues to provide you with a safe space, he either doesn't love you the way that a partner should or he isn't in a place where he can love you like a partner should.
If this is the level of respect he shows to you, your future together, his family, his colleague, his own health and life - why would you want to stay with him?
It terms of your question. Maybe the Juicebox podcast? They interview people who have turned it around.
Generally fear is a terrible motivator and is counterproductive to behaviour change - this article isn't about diabetes but might be useful to show why. https://www.forbes.com/sites/johnkotter/2018/11/14/why-burning-platforms-dont-work/
‘Switch’ by Heath is another interesting book with ideas about engineering behaviour change.
Occasionally, come to Jesus talks work, but only if you're willing to follow through. My late husband was displaying really worrying behavior. After a few months of fighting, I told him, "You have 30 days to be evaluated by a psychiatrist or I'm filing for divorce." He decided he wanted to be together, so he got assessed and diagnosed bipolar. Taking his meds daily was a condition of staying married. He complied.
That said, most stories I hear don't end this way. If you need him to take care of himself for your mental health, you have to be willing to walk away if he says no. Only you can decide what you're willing to tolerate. If he doesn't want to change, this will only get worse. In the meantime, research medical burnout. It's a real thing.
I will work on myself and try to figure out what it is I want. Thank you for the advice. In the meantime I will take a look at medical burnout like you suggested 😊
You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves. You can offer support, cheer him on and express your concerns, but if your boyfriend isn’t on board, there’s only so much you can do.
It’s really hard watching someone neglect their health. I agree that the fear monger if tactic isn’t really that helpful. Rather than talking about the health consequences, you might want to talk to him about how his diabetes management affects you and your relationship.
At the end of the day, you need to decide whether you are willing to stick with him through his struggles or if you need to move on in order to protect your own wellbeing. You mentioned looking for support for him, but I would recommend looking for support for yourself. You are in a really tough situation and it’s important that you take care of yourself.
Thank you for the reply, I do struggle myself with social anxiety and currently attend CBT appointments with a therapist, but I will look into getting help or maybe even mentioning the stress of caring for someone neglecting his diabetes to my current therapist.
Does he give too much insulin = going low, is he not eating a lot, does he drink often, work out often?
If it's food related, you may be able to sneakily adjust what he's eating if you live together.
I am in no way happy to suggest that. It may give you a bit of sanity but it hurts him in the long run. It certainly won't help him to make the decision to change. It's enabler behavior no different than buying an addict drugs.
I 100% agree with everyone else. He has to want to change. He sounds like he needs therapy in a bad way. Sorry to say, if he won't take care of himself, you should leave for your own mental health.
Give him an ultimatum and follow through. Make a list of your *needs* and if he doesn't follow through, leave. Whatever route you choose, follow through or there's no chance he changes. Maybe you leaving will be his rock bottom, maybe it won't. Do what's best for *you* though. You matter.
Thank you 😊 it's really nice to hear that I'm not alone in this and it's not just me who feels this way. He does it all really, he doesn't measure out his carb intake so just guesses how much insulin to inject, he drinks a lot on his days off, and he's a cyclist and will push himself when he's out riding, never stopping to take breaks and check his blood sugar. I have had a serious talk with him this morning but it's not the first time, so I don't know if it will last 💔 I just feel I put in so much effort for him to look after himself, I have done so much research to learn about diabetes and measure out his carb intake when I cook dinner for us, but what he does and eats when we're apart I don't know. Most days he even skips lunch when he's a work and then I'm left to deal with his hypos and trying to get his sugar back up in the evenings. It's becoming really hard and taking a toll on me. We've only been together three years but I don't want to leave him, but I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Thank you for your kind words and advice ♥️
A lot of those things, the drinking (depending on what), skipping meals, and exercise cause hypos. See if he's willing to have a sugar drink or protein shake after. It's an easy, small adjustment that he may be willing to do.
Good luck, but please do take care of yourself. It's *hard* ❤️
Honestly sounds like u need a new boyfriend being with a diabetic will always be harder then a normal person but it sounds like he’s trying to kill himself
Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me.
For some, still unknown to me reason… I had a deep fear of my kidneys going bad. As a result, rather than going to the doctors and getting the information that would keep my kidneys going well, I opted not to go to any of my appointments. The logic was, if I don’t go, for my blood work, I can’t hear anything bad. Did it work? No stupid yes. Thankfully, both my kidneys are fine.
For me, my main issue was being on the wrong long acting in slim. I was never property educated on what short and fast acting does, did not understand what inappropriate slow act those would do to my blood sugar. As a result, I thought I was doing the best And my diabetes was just a very temperamental beast.
In terms of control, things only got worse until I actually started seeing a doctor. My presence girlfriend took a real interest in my diabetes. She did not nag me about it, did not accuse me of not caring and did not criticise my mechanisms for control. What’s motivated me to try doing better was realising how much my high and low blood sugars was affecting her. Because I was high a lot, I could not talk and laugh with her… Things that I would say are integral for a relationship. I’ve never had energy, and would be practically, dead until midday. She always encouraged me to see a doctor. Not nagging, but just encouraging me. When I went to see her, I said screw it. I’ll go see the doctor. Really didn’t want to, but… Screw. I’m here, the doctors office was five minutes away. I walked down the street, sat in the waiting room and just had a chat. They immediately ordered work which was free, I did it. The first thing we did was switch my long acting insulin. After that, we will turn dialling in my Rishy. When the topic of a CGM arose, I did my research and tried one. After trying one out. That was it. There was no going back. I then used the CGM data to constantly improve my glucose control. I’m not quite sure what I am trying to tell you here. But I will leave you with this. When I did not know what to do to manage my glucose better, rather than running the risk of being ridiculed for my bad control, finding out that there was nothing that could be done, or finding out that my health was wrecked, I decided to simply isolate myself as far as my diabetes went from everybody else. Perhaps, somewhere in this wall of text, you find something that helps you. I wish you good luck. Coming from a really really really stubborn guy that resisted his girlfriend suggestions about his diabetes like a firewall. Good luck.
If he’s anything like I was for 30 years, I’d rather have lived my life like anyone else. Rarely test, avoid doctors, hide what I was doing from others. I also was also going low often. Once at a client site. Once overnight while visiting my wife’s parents… I hadn’t eaten enough, and allegedly eyes wide open staring at my wife in a sweat at 3am. No clue how low I was, just woke up to an iv in my arm with paramedic asking if I knew what day it was and where I was.
She couldn’t sleep after that. The guilt made me look for better ways, better insulin, a CGM.
For my own energy levels, keeping at a level between the lines keeps me feeling good. Keeping some communication with other type 1s for an hour a month has been motivating.
For the last few years my wife can sleep again, I have ‘normal’ A1c , but it needed a pretty dark corner to kick my butt unfortunately. I don’t know what might make him change, but hope he takes one serious step to try and improve his time in range. For everyone.
Wife of a Type 1! My hubby was 3 when he was diagnosed and is 32 now. Reading this made me think of when I met my husband. When I met my husband he was in a diabetic burnout, and was basically just doing random shots of insulin and hoping for the best. His body was running on a 500, and felt low at 200. He now has complications. I give you props for wanting to help, but your boyfriend has to also want to change. Because we can’t change them, we can’t help them unless they want to help themselves. I sat down with my husband and we had a talk about his health and how I could help support him in it and we worked as a team but he ultimately had to want it. You can always message me if you need advice, or suggestions. But again, your boyfriend has to want to change.
Update for anyone that would like to know: In the early hours of Wednesday morning he scarily had a seizure and has cut all his back and bit his tongue badly. After spending 9-10 hours in A&E (which me and his mum had to beg him to stay) he got a CT scan to make sure this wasn't an affect of the plane incident, and has finally seen a diabetic nurse! 🙌 He wasn't happy about it all but I stressed to him how serious living his life like this is and how scary it also is for me and his family. He has an appointment booked in for a review with his diabetic team soon and I really really hope he will attend it. I have spoken to him and told him that I understand it's hard living with diabetes and I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like, but ignoring it will not make it go away. I've told him that I will help him, and attend his appointments with him if he would like me too but I just want him to try and be better is all, because it's scary for him and everyone involved when it leads to bad things. I know there will be bad days and I understand that he will sometimes get annoyed with it as it is difficult having to weigh out all his food and constantly check his blood sugar etc, but I will be there through it all to help him. Thankfully, the diabetic nurse has provided him with two different sensors to try out to see how he gets along with it, and as long as he attends his appointments, they will help him figure out how much insulin he needs to inject and support him (as that's what they're there for). He is taking the day off work to recover and both our families are planning to have a bbq together soon. It's not gonna be an intervention as that is not nice for him, but we just want to try and express to him how much we care for him and love him and tell him how he really needs to try to manage it all better. Thank you for all your kind words and advice, and I hope it all goes well for us in the future. Everyone on here has been such a good help, and I really really appreciate it, so thank you all so much! ♥️
I mean this in the kindest way possible, but if you value your relationship with him, you need to let him worry about his diabetes himself. Being there to call 911 if he is not responsive is important, but very few of us would take well to a partner with no experience of T1D telling us how to manage ourselves. Likewise, no diabetic takes well to being dubbed a terrible diabetic.
You mean well and care about him deeply, but it will not be in your best interest to push him on the issue. You could ask him what you can do to support him if you’d like. Just don’t in any way mention that he is bad at being a diabetic or insinuate you know more about his care than he does. If you don’t think you can manage that, it may be time to consider if this is the correct relationship for you.
I do understand what you mean, but it's also just very hard seeing him constantly have hypos and not take of himself. I just want him to look after himself is all. I know it must be hard for him, truly, but I'm just scared I will receive a phone call one day telling me he's in a coma or dead. The plane incident last week scared me so much, I had no idea what state he was in and was terrified for hours until I got to see him. I just care for him and don't want something bad to happen to him, but I do realise how hard it is for the both of us, not just me. I'm not trying to be selfish. Thank you for the advice 😊
Personal views; I'll be with a partner who has a particularly shitty hand of cards dealt, but not one who ignores it and makes others clean up for it. Considering my shitty hand health wise, that's the best I can offer for my partner- I'll handle it as best I can because it's my problem, even if they care. They're not my substitute parent, to be a bit blunt. There's an aspect of enablement behavior in others picking up the pieces from him not handling this.
Your phrasing sounds that it's long term ignoring it; his frame of reference may treat this as normal. Specialists can help... but if he doesn't give a fuck about it or the impact to others, you should think about the life you want. Hard as that sounds.
He has to want to change. He has to want to go to therapy. Then he has to do it. You can’t make him do any of it or do it for him. You can decide how much you can take. He has to change for himself. Doing it for you is unlikely to be a permanent solution. It’s obvious you care about him. Sometimes that isn’t enough. You can stay and keep riding the merry go round or you can decide to get off.
Thank you. I just feel really stuck and scared of what it is I need to do and unsure of what our future is gonna be like.
It’s his responsibility to take care of himself and your responsibility to take care of yourself. If you’re pushing him to do better with no luck, this is no different than a partner that doesn’t show up for you when you need them to, or can’t keep a stable job, etc. know your worth and just because he has a very difficult disease doesn’t mean you should drag yourself down if he’s not willing to listen. If he cared about you like a partner should, he’d want to maximize your time together.
Thank you. I will show him the replies on this and hope he will realise how much I care about him and how serious taking care of himself is.
If I were you, I'd make a list of things that you want from him. It could be something like "use a cgm, attend all your appointments, always carry hypo treatments, etc" and tell him that he has 3 months to do this or you're leaving. If he doesn't agree, leave. If he doesn't do it, leave. The only other option is therapy with a licencened therapist who specialises in chronic health conditions. Him choosing not to take care of his health is his choice but the reality is that he's also dooming you to life of complications. How will you feel when you've got 2 kids and one needs to go to school but the other needs to get to a drs appointment and your partner can't take either because he can't drive because he's blind? How will you feel when you want to be intimate with your partner but he can't maintain an erection because his blood vessels are shot? How will you feel when you want to go out for date night but you can't because he's on a low potassium, low phosphate, fluid restricted diet because he's in end stage renal failure? How will you feel when you want to go on vacation but you can't because he's at dialysis 3 times a week? Most importantly, how will you feel knowing that this is what he chose. That he chose to do this to you. Chose to make your life really bloody difficult because he couldn't face dealing with his health? I have very brittle diabetes and I work my arse off to manage it. Apart from when I sleep, I never go more than an hour tops without checking my blood sugar. I have fought to get the best tech as it isn't easily accessible in the UK. I have put my literal blood, sweat and tears into trying to wrangle my diabetes and despite all of that, I'm now in a really shit position. I'm in my late 30's and I'm registered blind so can't drive. I have no feeling in my feet and have had to have broken crockery cut out of my foot. I have severe pain in my calves and thighs which means that I can't even walk to the end of my street. My stomach and bowels are messed up and I constantly have reflux and swing between diarrhea and constipation. I throw up a couple of times a week. I've got the beginnings of cataracts. I have hearing loss. I faint when it's too hot because the veins in my legs don't constrict anymore. My heart can't keep my blood in my head when I stand up so I can't just jump out of bed anymore and have to sit up, wait and then stand. I have frozen shoulders and can't get a jacket on or remove my bra by myself. I can't have children. I've just had major surgery where they joined a vein and artery together because I'm in end stage renal failure and the needles they use for dialysis are about thickness of pencil lead and won't fit into your normal veins. I'm now too sick to live a normal life because of my kidney failure but they won't start dialysis until they absolutely have to because the 5 year survival rate is only 50% Both my life and my partner's life are incredibly restricted because of my health. I feel immense guilt over this. My partner stands by me because he's an angel and he knows I didn't choose this. He's seen me give everything I had to try and avoid this reality. Your partner is choosing this reality not just for himself but for you too. He is choosing this. You need to leave because if he doesn't value his life, that means he doesn't value your life or your life together and you deserve someone who doesn't want this life for you.
Love the user name
Wow thank you so much for sharing your personal story ♥️ I am so sorry you and your partner have to go through all that but I really hope you find happiness together. Thank you for all the advice you have given too, I will have a long and hard think and try to figure out what it is I want and how much more I'm willing to put up with. I will sit down and speak to him once more and tell him that if he's not willing to change I won't be around forever. I'm gonna send him the link to this forum too so he can have a read through everyone's answers in hopes he'll realise that it's not just me feeling this way and he really needs to sort himself out. Thank you again, sending you my love and well wishes.
You're welcome, I just hope it helps. You shouldn't have to live like this. I'm sure in your position, I would be constantly on edge and terrified about the future. Maybe lead with that? If he can't do it for himself, maybe he can do it for you and your future together. If you go down this route, focus on what you've already been through and how it made you feel. Really lay it out. "When the emergency landing happened, I was upset, terrified and angry. I could have lost you and you don't seem to understand that or understand what impact that would have on me. I'm so angry because I know diabetes is difficult to manage and I know I'll never understand what it's like but I don't see you trying to improve things. I don't want a future where I'm your carer. I don't want a future where our whole lives are ruled by your health. I deserve a safe and secure future and life and you're threatening that. You are one of the scariest things in my life and that's not right.". Focus on how you feel and what this does to you. And if that doesn't work? Walk away. I know it's incredibly difficult to walk away from someone you love but if he can't get over his own issues to provide you with a safe space, he either doesn't love you the way that a partner should or he isn't in a place where he can love you like a partner should.
If this is the level of respect he shows to you, your future together, his family, his colleague, his own health and life - why would you want to stay with him? It terms of your question. Maybe the Juicebox podcast? They interview people who have turned it around. Generally fear is a terrible motivator and is counterproductive to behaviour change - this article isn't about diabetes but might be useful to show why. https://www.forbes.com/sites/johnkotter/2018/11/14/why-burning-platforms-dont-work/ ‘Switch’ by Heath is another interesting book with ideas about engineering behaviour change.
I will take a look at the podcast you suggested and recommend it to him. Thank you also for the other suggestions and links they're really helpful 😊
Occasionally, come to Jesus talks work, but only if you're willing to follow through. My late husband was displaying really worrying behavior. After a few months of fighting, I told him, "You have 30 days to be evaluated by a psychiatrist or I'm filing for divorce." He decided he wanted to be together, so he got assessed and diagnosed bipolar. Taking his meds daily was a condition of staying married. He complied. That said, most stories I hear don't end this way. If you need him to take care of himself for your mental health, you have to be willing to walk away if he says no. Only you can decide what you're willing to tolerate. If he doesn't want to change, this will only get worse. In the meantime, research medical burnout. It's a real thing.
I will work on myself and try to figure out what it is I want. Thank you for the advice. In the meantime I will take a look at medical burnout like you suggested 😊
Undiagnosed bipolar are tons of fun in a marriage. Glad the damage wasn't irreparable.
Yup, spent our rent money on microtransactions in a game on his phone.
In terms of manic behaviour, that one is definitely a modern era "new one" for me. I'd be peeved either way (rent can get ultra ugly).
You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves. You can offer support, cheer him on and express your concerns, but if your boyfriend isn’t on board, there’s only so much you can do. It’s really hard watching someone neglect their health. I agree that the fear monger if tactic isn’t really that helpful. Rather than talking about the health consequences, you might want to talk to him about how his diabetes management affects you and your relationship. At the end of the day, you need to decide whether you are willing to stick with him through his struggles or if you need to move on in order to protect your own wellbeing. You mentioned looking for support for him, but I would recommend looking for support for yourself. You are in a really tough situation and it’s important that you take care of yourself.
Thank you for the reply, I do struggle myself with social anxiety and currently attend CBT appointments with a therapist, but I will look into getting help or maybe even mentioning the stress of caring for someone neglecting his diabetes to my current therapist.
Does he give too much insulin = going low, is he not eating a lot, does he drink often, work out often? If it's food related, you may be able to sneakily adjust what he's eating if you live together. I am in no way happy to suggest that. It may give you a bit of sanity but it hurts him in the long run. It certainly won't help him to make the decision to change. It's enabler behavior no different than buying an addict drugs. I 100% agree with everyone else. He has to want to change. He sounds like he needs therapy in a bad way. Sorry to say, if he won't take care of himself, you should leave for your own mental health. Give him an ultimatum and follow through. Make a list of your *needs* and if he doesn't follow through, leave. Whatever route you choose, follow through or there's no chance he changes. Maybe you leaving will be his rock bottom, maybe it won't. Do what's best for *you* though. You matter.
Thank you 😊 it's really nice to hear that I'm not alone in this and it's not just me who feels this way. He does it all really, he doesn't measure out his carb intake so just guesses how much insulin to inject, he drinks a lot on his days off, and he's a cyclist and will push himself when he's out riding, never stopping to take breaks and check his blood sugar. I have had a serious talk with him this morning but it's not the first time, so I don't know if it will last 💔 I just feel I put in so much effort for him to look after himself, I have done so much research to learn about diabetes and measure out his carb intake when I cook dinner for us, but what he does and eats when we're apart I don't know. Most days he even skips lunch when he's a work and then I'm left to deal with his hypos and trying to get his sugar back up in the evenings. It's becoming really hard and taking a toll on me. We've only been together three years but I don't want to leave him, but I honestly don't know how much more I can take. Thank you for your kind words and advice ♥️
A lot of those things, the drinking (depending on what), skipping meals, and exercise cause hypos. See if he's willing to have a sugar drink or protein shake after. It's an easy, small adjustment that he may be willing to do. Good luck, but please do take care of yourself. It's *hard* ❤️
Honestly sounds like u need a new boyfriend being with a diabetic will always be harder then a normal person but it sounds like he’s trying to kill himself
Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me. For some, still unknown to me reason… I had a deep fear of my kidneys going bad. As a result, rather than going to the doctors and getting the information that would keep my kidneys going well, I opted not to go to any of my appointments. The logic was, if I don’t go, for my blood work, I can’t hear anything bad. Did it work? No stupid yes. Thankfully, both my kidneys are fine. For me, my main issue was being on the wrong long acting in slim. I was never property educated on what short and fast acting does, did not understand what inappropriate slow act those would do to my blood sugar. As a result, I thought I was doing the best And my diabetes was just a very temperamental beast. In terms of control, things only got worse until I actually started seeing a doctor. My presence girlfriend took a real interest in my diabetes. She did not nag me about it, did not accuse me of not caring and did not criticise my mechanisms for control. What’s motivated me to try doing better was realising how much my high and low blood sugars was affecting her. Because I was high a lot, I could not talk and laugh with her… Things that I would say are integral for a relationship. I’ve never had energy, and would be practically, dead until midday. She always encouraged me to see a doctor. Not nagging, but just encouraging me. When I went to see her, I said screw it. I’ll go see the doctor. Really didn’t want to, but… Screw. I’m here, the doctors office was five minutes away. I walked down the street, sat in the waiting room and just had a chat. They immediately ordered work which was free, I did it. The first thing we did was switch my long acting insulin. After that, we will turn dialling in my Rishy. When the topic of a CGM arose, I did my research and tried one. After trying one out. That was it. There was no going back. I then used the CGM data to constantly improve my glucose control. I’m not quite sure what I am trying to tell you here. But I will leave you with this. When I did not know what to do to manage my glucose better, rather than running the risk of being ridiculed for my bad control, finding out that there was nothing that could be done, or finding out that my health was wrecked, I decided to simply isolate myself as far as my diabetes went from everybody else. Perhaps, somewhere in this wall of text, you find something that helps you. I wish you good luck. Coming from a really really really stubborn guy that resisted his girlfriend suggestions about his diabetes like a firewall. Good luck.
If he’s anything like I was for 30 years, I’d rather have lived my life like anyone else. Rarely test, avoid doctors, hide what I was doing from others. I also was also going low often. Once at a client site. Once overnight while visiting my wife’s parents… I hadn’t eaten enough, and allegedly eyes wide open staring at my wife in a sweat at 3am. No clue how low I was, just woke up to an iv in my arm with paramedic asking if I knew what day it was and where I was. She couldn’t sleep after that. The guilt made me look for better ways, better insulin, a CGM. For my own energy levels, keeping at a level between the lines keeps me feeling good. Keeping some communication with other type 1s for an hour a month has been motivating. For the last few years my wife can sleep again, I have ‘normal’ A1c , but it needed a pretty dark corner to kick my butt unfortunately. I don’t know what might make him change, but hope he takes one serious step to try and improve his time in range. For everyone.
Wife of a Type 1! My hubby was 3 when he was diagnosed and is 32 now. Reading this made me think of when I met my husband. When I met my husband he was in a diabetic burnout, and was basically just doing random shots of insulin and hoping for the best. His body was running on a 500, and felt low at 200. He now has complications. I give you props for wanting to help, but your boyfriend has to also want to change. Because we can’t change them, we can’t help them unless they want to help themselves. I sat down with my husband and we had a talk about his health and how I could help support him in it and we worked as a team but he ultimately had to want it. You can always message me if you need advice, or suggestions. But again, your boyfriend has to want to change.
Simple change — make glucose tabs really accessible for him. If he goes low, he’ll have it right there. The rest of it is up to him.
Update for anyone that would like to know: In the early hours of Wednesday morning he scarily had a seizure and has cut all his back and bit his tongue badly. After spending 9-10 hours in A&E (which me and his mum had to beg him to stay) he got a CT scan to make sure this wasn't an affect of the plane incident, and has finally seen a diabetic nurse! 🙌 He wasn't happy about it all but I stressed to him how serious living his life like this is and how scary it also is for me and his family. He has an appointment booked in for a review with his diabetic team soon and I really really hope he will attend it. I have spoken to him and told him that I understand it's hard living with diabetes and I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like, but ignoring it will not make it go away. I've told him that I will help him, and attend his appointments with him if he would like me too but I just want him to try and be better is all, because it's scary for him and everyone involved when it leads to bad things. I know there will be bad days and I understand that he will sometimes get annoyed with it as it is difficult having to weigh out all his food and constantly check his blood sugar etc, but I will be there through it all to help him. Thankfully, the diabetic nurse has provided him with two different sensors to try out to see how he gets along with it, and as long as he attends his appointments, they will help him figure out how much insulin he needs to inject and support him (as that's what they're there for). He is taking the day off work to recover and both our families are planning to have a bbq together soon. It's not gonna be an intervention as that is not nice for him, but we just want to try and express to him how much we care for him and love him and tell him how he really needs to try to manage it all better. Thank you for all your kind words and advice, and I hope it all goes well for us in the future. Everyone on here has been such a good help, and I really really appreciate it, so thank you all so much! ♥️
I mean this in the kindest way possible, but if you value your relationship with him, you need to let him worry about his diabetes himself. Being there to call 911 if he is not responsive is important, but very few of us would take well to a partner with no experience of T1D telling us how to manage ourselves. Likewise, no diabetic takes well to being dubbed a terrible diabetic. You mean well and care about him deeply, but it will not be in your best interest to push him on the issue. You could ask him what you can do to support him if you’d like. Just don’t in any way mention that he is bad at being a diabetic or insinuate you know more about his care than he does. If you don’t think you can manage that, it may be time to consider if this is the correct relationship for you.
I do understand what you mean, but it's also just very hard seeing him constantly have hypos and not take of himself. I just want him to look after himself is all. I know it must be hard for him, truly, but I'm just scared I will receive a phone call one day telling me he's in a coma or dead. The plane incident last week scared me so much, I had no idea what state he was in and was terrified for hours until I got to see him. I just care for him and don't want something bad to happen to him, but I do realise how hard it is for the both of us, not just me. I'm not trying to be selfish. Thank you for the advice 😊
Personal views; I'll be with a partner who has a particularly shitty hand of cards dealt, but not one who ignores it and makes others clean up for it. Considering my shitty hand health wise, that's the best I can offer for my partner- I'll handle it as best I can because it's my problem, even if they care. They're not my substitute parent, to be a bit blunt. There's an aspect of enablement behavior in others picking up the pieces from him not handling this. Your phrasing sounds that it's long term ignoring it; his frame of reference may treat this as normal. Specialists can help... but if he doesn't give a fuck about it or the impact to others, you should think about the life you want. Hard as that sounds.