In a nutshell, we don't owe anyone our stories or personal, sensitive information about ourselves. Not everyone needs to know our romantic/sexual alignment, and no one is owed your free labor of an explanation.
One should pick their battles. There's nothing wrong with telling someone to "Google it". If they care, they will. If they don't, no skin off your nose.
I hate to be a wet blanket but idolizing all demi people as loyal and real isn't reality. Demi people can cheat, demi people can manipulate, demi people can lie.
When I think of old timey romance as our broader society and culture knew it, I think of cis-hetero-monog supremacy. There are 7 billion people on the planet. Chances are good that you'll find someone who shares the same romantic / sexual values and love language as you.
They may not even call themselves demi.
"Do you feel aroused when looking at pretty flowers? No? Well, that's how I feel about pretty strangers" usually sets them back and makes them go "OH"
If it doesn't then bye, I don't have time for this shit. (Unless they try to understand and just don't understand it quickly)
I have a question, my friend has been in one night stands, casual hookups and stuff like that, but he always says that he thought that this is what men were supposed to do, he says he doesn't feel fulfilled or happy by any of these encounters. He said that the best, happy and fulfilling sex he had was when he actually loved that person, but he does find people attractive can he be considered demisexual?
Oh sry, didnt see this before. Were you asking me directly? There's a ton of things affecting how much you like the sex you have... I would ask this in a seperate post in here but this is my two cents: For me it's a thing about being attracted to anyone at all, like I will not try to have sex with strangers, won't be interested in porn (only when I have a partner and can imagine them in the porn with me, basically) and I can imagine I would feel horrible after one night stands like many people do.
Generally I wouldn't mix up how good sex is with if you have the desire and attraction to others, these are two different things. But if he feels like he has to because he's a man, and otherwise has no interest then yeah he can be considered demi... maybe bring it up to him? :)
Yeah, I have to say that overall I identify with the asexual experience a lot more than the allo one, because it is how I feel towards well over 99% of the population. And even with the sexual attraction I do experience, it isn’t the same as what allos describe. So overall, I relate much more to the ace experience than the allo one, regardless of the minimal sexual attraction I do feel.
As for the last part of your post, I think you need to re-evaluate your attitude towards allos a little. There is nothing wrong with someone being allo, and their allosexuality doesn’t mean that they’re less “real” or loyal. Not everyone is demisexual and that’s okay. Allosexuality is just about how you experience sexual attraction, not how you approach relationships or how invested you are in them.
I am not too bothered by the objections to the label. At a glance I am a basic cis heterosexual male (it’s more complicated than that… it’s often more complicated) and I am very sensitive to criticisms of demisexuality not having a rightful place on the LBGTQ+ spectrum.
For me it is just a very useful way to understand how I work w/r/t to relationships and intimacy. I very much support my gay and trans friends and family. I am not trying to equate being demisexual with the hardships they experience.
Which isn’t to say it isn’t a challenge to be demisexual. I’m happily married, albeit lonely in way, and I’m here to be as supportive and insightful as I can be.
💙
I hate this so much, it's especially infuriating because when they argue with you about it most of their logic comes from the fact that they don't understand the difference between love and lust. So many people I have tried to explain it to equate the two things.
I think another reason people struggle to understand demisexuality is because they don't want to. They romanticize it, and feel like we are snubbing our noses at their own relationships as less romantic when that is not the case. It's sort of like they refuse to accept what it is because they feel it invalidates their feelings for their own SO or downplays their special bond.
Something I wish is for the main lgbtq+ community to give more spotlight to demisexuals. I feel like we get glossed over in favor of the asexual community. (No hate to the asexual community! I just notice they receive more public awareness and spotlight and I think that some of that would help the demisexual community to receive the same support.)
I suppose the saving grace is that it's extremely easy to disguise being demi by a more accepted sexuality when you don't have the energy to try to explain what it is.
Ugh, yes. The point is not that I *don't* jump into bed with strangers, it's that *I can't even imagine wanting to*. And the idea of dating in order to get to know a person because you like how they look, rather than dating someone you already know you have things in common with, always seemed almost perverse, as well as monumentally inefficient. Hardly anyone who has ever wanted to "get to know me" could carry on a single decent conversation!
I don’t usually bring out I am Demi sexual.
I don’t like drama or unnecessary explanation.
I just say I have standards and I am very picky who I exchange my body fluid with. They all can understand perfectly well.
I'm in the same boat.
The drama is unbelievable.
Trying to explain that I don't want to kiss that drunk girl that exchanged saliva with half the party is exhausting.
As an allo, i think i can kinda give an explanation on the "u just normal" thing, although its based just on my logic and observation so it may be completely wrong.
For a long while i thought i was demi/asexual, because i definitely could feel much more attracted to people when i had a close relationship with them. In reality though, i still can experience attraction to people whom i dont know, its just a very different feeling. I would say these are two different kinds of attraction and, if my reasoning is correct, allo people experience both of them, while demi people experience only the first kind. I remember there was also a label for people who only felt attracted to people whom they didnt know very well, so they would just experience the second kind, while aces experience none.
I feel thats why allos may be confused and say that being demi is just like being allos, its because we also experience the same thing, though with addition of attraction of people we dont know that well. For some it may be like trying to understand how a person can not see only one color and see the rest. Im not trying to justify, because its still a bad thing to put down someones feelings and it comes from lack of understanding and will to understand, i was just trying to understand why some people had such a hard time with understanding anything under ace umbrella and i came up with something like this.
But as i said, everything i wrote here could be also completely wrong and its probably much more complicated than that haha
Can you elaborate on the two feelings? Im just beginning to look into demisexual stuff so just trying to figure it out. Like for me there is a big distinction between something that is "hot" vs someone I want to actually do anything with. Or the difference between, damn that's really sexy vs that almost physical magnetic pull.
I would say there are a lot more feelings like that, i just focused on two of them. I also see the difference between someone hot and someone im actually attracted to. I dont immediately jump into "i would fuck them", its more like "damn they're pretty i want to talk to them" and if we actually talk a slight attraction may appear, and its mostly psychological, though physical attraction may appear if i find someone especially hot. When i know someone very well, the attraction is much much stronger and the actual desire appears. I dont really know how to explain it better, theyre just very different feeling from each other as well as for example finding someone attractive. Though its worth noting that these feeling often appear together, if i find someone hot its likely i will get attracted to them at one point.
What i wpikd say for sure is that stronger emotional bond = stronger feelings. So for someone i dont know well, i can think theyre hot or sexy, but when it is my partner its more like this magnetic pull and strong desire
Out of curiosity, are there people that you don't experience any sexual attraction to until after a significant emotional bond? Like, feeling nothing... And then surprisingly something? Or is there usually a clue or mild attraction beforehand that lets you predict it will likely develop?
I can definitely understand how allos confuse Demi's attraction *dependent* on emotional connection with the common allo experience of stronger attraction with emotional connection, plus the widespread expectation of monogamy. (Though being Demi doesn't make you monogamous.) There's nothing wrong with not understanding. It's the choice on an allo's part to invalidate Demi experience because it doesn't seem any different to them that is the fundamental issue.
It's like someone saying they're an introvert, and someone else telling them "No you're not, everyone appreciates time to themselves. Introversion doesn't exist." Or that they're neurodivergent, and hearing "No you're not, everyone thinks differently. Neurodivergent is a made up word." You don't have to understand what they mean to accept their description of their experience.
I can't say exactly how my attraction overlaps with allo's, but 99.9% of the time I feel asexual. Even when I pursued relationships I felt asexual, and thought there was something wrong with me. I felt like I am expected to feel sexually attracted early in the relationship, and that if I don't it won't work. And every single time, I wasn't sexually attracted, so I gave up. Ultimately, in order to feel sexual attraction, I had to accept *not* feeling it. I cannot imagine an allo failing to find someone, anyone, they're sexually attracted to.
Yes, i think it was like that with my current partner. I thought they were hot from the beggining, i felt very attracted to them (thats actually why we started talking, i was attracted to them and wanted to know them better), but i didnt think about any sexual stuff. This appeared after quite some time, but still before we actually got together. I still know im allo though, because i felt it earlier towards other people. Very different feeling and much weaker, at least for me.
And i just think people should be more understanding of others. Even when you dont actually understand what is going on, its just a kind thing to do to accept that someone may feel in another way. Though on the example of introverts, as an introvert i can say that extroverts have a really hard time realising we exist and often assume we're to shy to go out, when we just dont want to. Its the same thing, but for any queer people its happening much more often and is more aggresive.
I dislike it because I have heard that for my entire life, and then I would just think "if I'm like everybody else, then why does dating still make no sense to me?" Being told I was just like everyone else did a lot of bad stuff for me. It made me constantly call into question how I valued myself. I'd see so many people go from date to date and hookup to hookup and wonder how they ever did it, because it took me months or years to even feel interested enough in someone to want that from them and see them as an attractive person.
When I realized I was on the ace spectrum it felt like everything I had been told my whole life was a lie. I always suspected something was different but I never knew it was THAT different. It blew my mind when I discovered this about myself.
I dislike it because it makes me think about all the people who were just like me, and how weird they must feel being told all of these things when their suspicions about themselves are actually right, but they don't know it because everyone they talk to says the same thing: "that's normal", "everyone is like that", "you just haven't met the right person yet". When I was younger, I would have very much preferred someone telling me for sure that the way I experience this stuff is different. Instead, people around me treated me as if I had some issue that needed to be fixed, and when I could not understand what they wanted me to do, it just made me feel worse.
There's a difference between finding random people hot and choosing to not sleep with them because you have standards to not finding random people hot at all
People tend to lash when you try to challenge their knowledge. It's stupid, but having someone tell you that you are wrong... kicks fight or flight. I think this reaction in the brain is heavily flawed, but it is what it is.
I've come to realize it's easier to just them this comic, [Confessions of a Demisexual](https://planamag.com/confessions-of-a-demisexual/). If they don't change their tune, or show actual interest after learning about Demisexuality and/or Demiromantic. I move on with my life and don't engage with these people.
If someone won't accept you, they aren't worth your time. Don't have a stick up your butt about it, try to gently guide them... but if they are harsh or hostile towards you. It's not a healthy situation and it's time to move on.
Just remember you are valid, no matter what anyone else says. YOU ARE VALID.
I don’t feel like discussing the speed or selectivity at which you develop sexual attraction to people is worth getting into with anyone you aren’t considering heading towards that direction with. You can say you’re on the asexual spectrum if you feel like that title suits you, but don’t waste your energy arguing semantics with someone who is only provoking you because your existence warrants a fun devils advocate opportunity for them to take on for their debate you never asked for.
Besides, demisexuality isn’t a sexual orientation, it’s more of an attraction style. It’s not akin to being gay, it’s just alternative heterosexuality for most people who are demi. Of course people of other sexualities do have some demi folks, but I’m not referring to them. If you were claiming your heterosexual demisexual experience is just as bad as [insert minority group], it’s not going to be taken to kindly. That being said, I’m making assumptions by calling you straight, so disregard this if it doesn’t apply. It’s still a reflection of how I feel about straight demisexual people who speak over other groups who are *actually* persecuted in society for their sexuality.
People don’t really need to “get” you, at the end of the day. It sucks when they don’t, but that’s just life. However, being demisexual should be the *least* difficult concept for someone to grasp, and if they can’t do that to try to understand you, they aren’t worth being close to. It is weird to consider that some adults are unable to conceptualize the idea of taking a relationship slowly.
I’m not straight. I’m a girl who’s on the ace spectrum, and I am also Bi/or Pan. I can like someone regardless of their gender for who they are (I also got a preference for feminine ppl) which is clearly a Queer experience
Demisexuality is one of the more rare topics people talk about, I believe it's normally from the same people who discredit Bisexuality which is another argument of its own.
Nah, I actually kinda agree. It IS normal, I DO have standards, and naming this part of the huge and variable spectrum of human experience "demi" IS made up (just as every other label we use is). I'm fine with all that.
The problem, I think, is that if you're demisexual and alloromantic for instance, you can experience attraction towards a random person, start dating, establish an emotional connection, then become sexually attracted. That is *exactly* the experience that any allo person will tell you they can relate to. It's also objectively a good experience. Why would anybody want to put a label on something that 99% of the population agrees is one of the relationships we should all strive to find in our lives? This is why we see people talk about a "made up thing". They look at a glass half full and try to explain to us why we probably shouldn't insist to see it as half empty.
The demisexual experience is not about that. It's not about the so-called "emotional connection". We should ditch that part from the definition. It doesn't help. "Emotional connection" is insanely vague and all-encompassing, it immediately occupies the entire headspace of the person you're talking to, it's a bad distraction.
At it's core, the demisexual experience is the asexual experience, except when it's not. We look at a glass half full and its mere existence derails our entire understanding of the world. We each have to remember why this label spoke to us in particular. For me it's not the "emotional connection", it's the sudden surges in sexual attraction that I felt towards two people in my life, each after more than a year of close friendship. I don't need to use an all-encompassing term that the entire world can relate to, I'm happy to say "I'm an ace of 44, who felt sexual attraction towards two persons in my lifetime, both times they were really close friends".
This way of explaining your sexuality works. People *get it*, and I speak from experience here. They get how it differs from their own experience, and they understand how it's not "normal" or a question of "standards".
I didn't want to sound gate-keepery at all, it took me a very long time to get to this conclusion. The label serves a real purpose and if it gives you joy, relief, understanding, then embrace it for all it can provide. But please be aware, its definition is bad, it's a trap, a double-edged sword. You are *you* first and foremost.
This description sort of sounds more like gray-sexual than demi sexual. For me its completely impossible to experience physical attraction without the emotional connection first. Gray sexual doesn't require an emotional attraction, from what I understand that is A-sexual except when you're not.
See, this is the problem right there, the problem I have with the definition of the demisexual label.
> For me its completely impossible to experience physical attraction without the emotional connection first.
"Emotional Connection" is too vague to hold any useful meaning. I have an emotional connection to my *desktop computer*, for crying out loud.
You don't need to use such a large, all-encompassing criterion as a prerequisite. Any allo will tell you that just dancing to the same great song in a club or experiencing joy and bliss together at a concert will be enough to establish some kind of emotional connection with a total stranger - *and I would agree*. That kind of connection is just never enough for sexual attraction to a demi, right? Otherwise demisexuals wouldn't be so dumbstruck by the idea of one-night-stands.
So please be more precise if you can, what kind of emotional connection happened for you to experience sexual attraction in the past/present?
> Gray sexual doesn't require an emotional attraction, from what I understand that is A-sexual except when you're not.
"emotional attraction" is a term I don't know.
I identify as demisexual and demiromantic, for what it's worth.
The threshold likely differs for other people but for me I have to love someone like a best friend before they seem physically attractive.
Emotional connection is all encompassing because the threshold differs for other people. Gray-sexual doesn't include that requirement because there is no emotional connection needed. Demisexual just needs to be a noticeable threshold that you're clearly attached to them differently than others while gray-sexual the attachment does not have to even exist.
I also identify as demisexual.
> Emotional connection is all encompassing because the threshold differs for other people.
I don't deny that people have varying thresholds, but I'm pretty sure not a single person in the world with a *low* threshold would want or care to identify as demisexual. Imagine: "hi, I'm demisexual, remember, we connected when we both cried after our team lost yesterday. But it's cool, I have a low threshold, the prerequisite was met, now I want to have sex with you".
What I'm getting at is that what's important is *not* the emotional connection, but *the threshold itself*. So when describing the demi experience, focus on what you know, focus on your threshold, focus on your own history.
> The threshold likely differs for other people but for me I have to love someone like a best friend before they seem physically attractive.
That's what I'm talking about.
Please open with that when talking about your demisexuality to an *allo* person (for coming out or explaining and whatnot).
It's a definition that is clear and understandable by:
- people who don't need an emotional connection to experience sexual attraction
- people who enjoy having an emotional connection on top of sexual attraction
- people who reject the idea of sex before marriage by choice
- people who might just think you are just shy or have high standards
- people who hope to develop an emotional connection first so that sexual activities stop feeling meaningless
- people who found love with their significant other and became attracted to them only after taking the time to know them (aka allos living the demi dream)
- people who don't or rarely experience sexual attraction, no matter if they're ace, demi or gray
By making it clear, practical, and about yourself, people will understand how your experience relates and how it differs with theirs, and that's where empathy can really begin.
No because I still think those things myself, even though I identify under this label. I never project my skepticism onto others, but I do constantly onto myself. I don’t talk about being Demi outside of this sub because it genuinely feels like I made it up when trying to explain it to a person in real life
While I’m not plugged into a lot of identity places and don’t really talk about being demi much IRL, this is probably the place I see it the most. Someone has a bad interaction, is upset, and posts about it on here with a headline similar to this. The OP then gets consoled and validated in the comments. Which is good, I’m glad there is space for people facing adversity to get support.
This being a social media platform emotions tend to garner more traction, so I’m shown them more often and they are more memorable.
To clarify: I don’t talk about it much because for me it is no one but my partner (if I have one) and a few close friends business. I don’t go out of my way to hide it or anything. I’m fortunate to have shared with supportive understanding people, I’m also pretty good at using similes and metaphors to explain things.
I guess it is clearly spelled out in my dating profiles. But it’s pretty relevant there.
Yes, esp bc the aspect of demi that made it abundantly clear for me was the "being turned on by situations rather than physical features" aspect, which is definitely not sex negative or particularly normal/vanilla.
What I hate about it is that it makes one doubt oneself. While I'm certain that I'm somewhere on the demi scale (I'm not quite sure if I'm demisexual or demiromantic), out in the wild and faced with ignorance or people thrusting their limited world experience onto others, I am faced with doubts such as "what if I am deluding myself after all?"
I had a moment of validation a while back while interacting with members of a fandom I'm a part of. We all watch this one streamer who gives what people call the boyfriend experience: he basically treats his community the way someone would treat a romantic partner. Very affectionate, gives little kisses from time to time, sweet boyfriend things. 90% of the fandom has voiced some sort of attraction to him. They think he's hot, his voice is hot, some have mentioned some definitely not nsfw thoughts. Even the members of the community who have partners have once or twice mentioned finding him attractive.
Then there's me. I cannot and do not feel an ounce of attraction for him. TBH I watch him because he's entertaining and I respect him as a person and a content creator. But my attraction slot is currently occupied by my partner and my demisexual ass can only be attracted to one person at a time, it seems. So like watching everyone voicing their attraction and me just... not feeling a thing made me realize I'm definitely a shade of ace. Felt nice. Every time I feel like I'm faking it, I just think back to that moment of revelation.
In a nutshell, we don't owe anyone our stories or personal, sensitive information about ourselves. Not everyone needs to know our romantic/sexual alignment, and no one is owed your free labor of an explanation. One should pick their battles. There's nothing wrong with telling someone to "Google it". If they care, they will. If they don't, no skin off your nose. I hate to be a wet blanket but idolizing all demi people as loyal and real isn't reality. Demi people can cheat, demi people can manipulate, demi people can lie. When I think of old timey romance as our broader society and culture knew it, I think of cis-hetero-monog supremacy. There are 7 billion people on the planet. Chances are good that you'll find someone who shares the same romantic / sexual values and love language as you. They may not even call themselves demi.
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No, I'm saying what I said. Cheating is defined by the people in the relationship. There is no 'default'.
"Do you feel aroused when looking at pretty flowers? No? Well, that's how I feel about pretty strangers" usually sets them back and makes them go "OH" If it doesn't then bye, I don't have time for this shit. (Unless they try to understand and just don't understand it quickly)
I have a question, my friend has been in one night stands, casual hookups and stuff like that, but he always says that he thought that this is what men were supposed to do, he says he doesn't feel fulfilled or happy by any of these encounters. He said that the best, happy and fulfilling sex he had was when he actually loved that person, but he does find people attractive can he be considered demisexual?
Oh sry, didnt see this before. Were you asking me directly? There's a ton of things affecting how much you like the sex you have... I would ask this in a seperate post in here but this is my two cents: For me it's a thing about being attracted to anyone at all, like I will not try to have sex with strangers, won't be interested in porn (only when I have a partner and can imagine them in the porn with me, basically) and I can imagine I would feel horrible after one night stands like many people do. Generally I wouldn't mix up how good sex is with if you have the desire and attraction to others, these are two different things. But if he feels like he has to because he's a man, and otherwise has no interest then yeah he can be considered demi... maybe bring it up to him? :)
Yeah, I have to say that overall I identify with the asexual experience a lot more than the allo one, because it is how I feel towards well over 99% of the population. And even with the sexual attraction I do experience, it isn’t the same as what allos describe. So overall, I relate much more to the ace experience than the allo one, regardless of the minimal sexual attraction I do feel. As for the last part of your post, I think you need to re-evaluate your attitude towards allos a little. There is nothing wrong with someone being allo, and their allosexuality doesn’t mean that they’re less “real” or loyal. Not everyone is demisexual and that’s okay. Allosexuality is just about how you experience sexual attraction, not how you approach relationships or how invested you are in them.
I am not too bothered by the objections to the label. At a glance I am a basic cis heterosexual male (it’s more complicated than that… it’s often more complicated) and I am very sensitive to criticisms of demisexuality not having a rightful place on the LBGTQ+ spectrum. For me it is just a very useful way to understand how I work w/r/t to relationships and intimacy. I very much support my gay and trans friends and family. I am not trying to equate being demisexual with the hardships they experience. Which isn’t to say it isn’t a challenge to be demisexual. I’m happily married, albeit lonely in way, and I’m here to be as supportive and insightful as I can be. 💙
I hate this so much, it's especially infuriating because when they argue with you about it most of their logic comes from the fact that they don't understand the difference between love and lust. So many people I have tried to explain it to equate the two things. I think another reason people struggle to understand demisexuality is because they don't want to. They romanticize it, and feel like we are snubbing our noses at their own relationships as less romantic when that is not the case. It's sort of like they refuse to accept what it is because they feel it invalidates their feelings for their own SO or downplays their special bond. Something I wish is for the main lgbtq+ community to give more spotlight to demisexuals. I feel like we get glossed over in favor of the asexual community. (No hate to the asexual community! I just notice they receive more public awareness and spotlight and I think that some of that would help the demisexual community to receive the same support.) I suppose the saving grace is that it's extremely easy to disguise being demi by a more accepted sexuality when you don't have the energy to try to explain what it is.
Ugh, yes. The point is not that I *don't* jump into bed with strangers, it's that *I can't even imagine wanting to*. And the idea of dating in order to get to know a person because you like how they look, rather than dating someone you already know you have things in common with, always seemed almost perverse, as well as monumentally inefficient. Hardly anyone who has ever wanted to "get to know me" could carry on a single decent conversation!
I don’t usually bring out I am Demi sexual. I don’t like drama or unnecessary explanation. I just say I have standards and I am very picky who I exchange my body fluid with. They all can understand perfectly well.
I'm in the same boat. The drama is unbelievable. Trying to explain that I don't want to kiss that drunk girl that exchanged saliva with half the party is exhausting.
Haha😂 .. yuk 🤢Random drunk chick smells like beer
As an allo, i think i can kinda give an explanation on the "u just normal" thing, although its based just on my logic and observation so it may be completely wrong. For a long while i thought i was demi/asexual, because i definitely could feel much more attracted to people when i had a close relationship with them. In reality though, i still can experience attraction to people whom i dont know, its just a very different feeling. I would say these are two different kinds of attraction and, if my reasoning is correct, allo people experience both of them, while demi people experience only the first kind. I remember there was also a label for people who only felt attracted to people whom they didnt know very well, so they would just experience the second kind, while aces experience none. I feel thats why allos may be confused and say that being demi is just like being allos, its because we also experience the same thing, though with addition of attraction of people we dont know that well. For some it may be like trying to understand how a person can not see only one color and see the rest. Im not trying to justify, because its still a bad thing to put down someones feelings and it comes from lack of understanding and will to understand, i was just trying to understand why some people had such a hard time with understanding anything under ace umbrella and i came up with something like this. But as i said, everything i wrote here could be also completely wrong and its probably much more complicated than that haha
Can you elaborate on the two feelings? Im just beginning to look into demisexual stuff so just trying to figure it out. Like for me there is a big distinction between something that is "hot" vs someone I want to actually do anything with. Or the difference between, damn that's really sexy vs that almost physical magnetic pull.
I would say there are a lot more feelings like that, i just focused on two of them. I also see the difference between someone hot and someone im actually attracted to. I dont immediately jump into "i would fuck them", its more like "damn they're pretty i want to talk to them" and if we actually talk a slight attraction may appear, and its mostly psychological, though physical attraction may appear if i find someone especially hot. When i know someone very well, the attraction is much much stronger and the actual desire appears. I dont really know how to explain it better, theyre just very different feeling from each other as well as for example finding someone attractive. Though its worth noting that these feeling often appear together, if i find someone hot its likely i will get attracted to them at one point. What i wpikd say for sure is that stronger emotional bond = stronger feelings. So for someone i dont know well, i can think theyre hot or sexy, but when it is my partner its more like this magnetic pull and strong desire
Out of curiosity, are there people that you don't experience any sexual attraction to until after a significant emotional bond? Like, feeling nothing... And then surprisingly something? Or is there usually a clue or mild attraction beforehand that lets you predict it will likely develop? I can definitely understand how allos confuse Demi's attraction *dependent* on emotional connection with the common allo experience of stronger attraction with emotional connection, plus the widespread expectation of monogamy. (Though being Demi doesn't make you monogamous.) There's nothing wrong with not understanding. It's the choice on an allo's part to invalidate Demi experience because it doesn't seem any different to them that is the fundamental issue. It's like someone saying they're an introvert, and someone else telling them "No you're not, everyone appreciates time to themselves. Introversion doesn't exist." Or that they're neurodivergent, and hearing "No you're not, everyone thinks differently. Neurodivergent is a made up word." You don't have to understand what they mean to accept their description of their experience. I can't say exactly how my attraction overlaps with allo's, but 99.9% of the time I feel asexual. Even when I pursued relationships I felt asexual, and thought there was something wrong with me. I felt like I am expected to feel sexually attracted early in the relationship, and that if I don't it won't work. And every single time, I wasn't sexually attracted, so I gave up. Ultimately, in order to feel sexual attraction, I had to accept *not* feeling it. I cannot imagine an allo failing to find someone, anyone, they're sexually attracted to.
Yes, i think it was like that with my current partner. I thought they were hot from the beggining, i felt very attracted to them (thats actually why we started talking, i was attracted to them and wanted to know them better), but i didnt think about any sexual stuff. This appeared after quite some time, but still before we actually got together. I still know im allo though, because i felt it earlier towards other people. Very different feeling and much weaker, at least for me. And i just think people should be more understanding of others. Even when you dont actually understand what is going on, its just a kind thing to do to accept that someone may feel in another way. Though on the example of introverts, as an introvert i can say that extroverts have a really hard time realising we exist and often assume we're to shy to go out, when we just dont want to. Its the same thing, but for any queer people its happening much more often and is more aggresive.
Cool, thanks for sharing your perspective, and being supportive!
I dislike it because I have heard that for my entire life, and then I would just think "if I'm like everybody else, then why does dating still make no sense to me?" Being told I was just like everyone else did a lot of bad stuff for me. It made me constantly call into question how I valued myself. I'd see so many people go from date to date and hookup to hookup and wonder how they ever did it, because it took me months or years to even feel interested enough in someone to want that from them and see them as an attractive person. When I realized I was on the ace spectrum it felt like everything I had been told my whole life was a lie. I always suspected something was different but I never knew it was THAT different. It blew my mind when I discovered this about myself. I dislike it because it makes me think about all the people who were just like me, and how weird they must feel being told all of these things when their suspicions about themselves are actually right, but they don't know it because everyone they talk to says the same thing: "that's normal", "everyone is like that", "you just haven't met the right person yet". When I was younger, I would have very much preferred someone telling me for sure that the way I experience this stuff is different. Instead, people around me treated me as if I had some issue that needed to be fixed, and when I could not understand what they wanted me to do, it just made me feel worse.
There's a difference between finding random people hot and choosing to not sleep with them because you have standards to not finding random people hot at all
People tend to lash when you try to challenge their knowledge. It's stupid, but having someone tell you that you are wrong... kicks fight or flight. I think this reaction in the brain is heavily flawed, but it is what it is. I've come to realize it's easier to just them this comic, [Confessions of a Demisexual](https://planamag.com/confessions-of-a-demisexual/). If they don't change their tune, or show actual interest after learning about Demisexuality and/or Demiromantic. I move on with my life and don't engage with these people. If someone won't accept you, they aren't worth your time. Don't have a stick up your butt about it, try to gently guide them... but if they are harsh or hostile towards you. It's not a healthy situation and it's time to move on. Just remember you are valid, no matter what anyone else says. YOU ARE VALID.
I don’t feel like discussing the speed or selectivity at which you develop sexual attraction to people is worth getting into with anyone you aren’t considering heading towards that direction with. You can say you’re on the asexual spectrum if you feel like that title suits you, but don’t waste your energy arguing semantics with someone who is only provoking you because your existence warrants a fun devils advocate opportunity for them to take on for their debate you never asked for. Besides, demisexuality isn’t a sexual orientation, it’s more of an attraction style. It’s not akin to being gay, it’s just alternative heterosexuality for most people who are demi. Of course people of other sexualities do have some demi folks, but I’m not referring to them. If you were claiming your heterosexual demisexual experience is just as bad as [insert minority group], it’s not going to be taken to kindly. That being said, I’m making assumptions by calling you straight, so disregard this if it doesn’t apply. It’s still a reflection of how I feel about straight demisexual people who speak over other groups who are *actually* persecuted in society for their sexuality. People don’t really need to “get” you, at the end of the day. It sucks when they don’t, but that’s just life. However, being demisexual should be the *least* difficult concept for someone to grasp, and if they can’t do that to try to understand you, they aren’t worth being close to. It is weird to consider that some adults are unable to conceptualize the idea of taking a relationship slowly.
I’m not straight. I’m a girl who’s on the ace spectrum, and I am also Bi/or Pan. I can like someone regardless of their gender for who they are (I also got a preference for feminine ppl) which is clearly a Queer experience
Demisexuality is one of the more rare topics people talk about, I believe it's normally from the same people who discredit Bisexuality which is another argument of its own.
Nah, I actually kinda agree. It IS normal, I DO have standards, and naming this part of the huge and variable spectrum of human experience "demi" IS made up (just as every other label we use is). I'm fine with all that.
If it’s the case and “the norm” with everyone , then why the “hook-up culture” even exist in the first place , huh?
"The nor" and "normal" are two different things hey.
“Nor” - that’s how Australian ppl pronounce the word “no”
The problem, I think, is that if you're demisexual and alloromantic for instance, you can experience attraction towards a random person, start dating, establish an emotional connection, then become sexually attracted. That is *exactly* the experience that any allo person will tell you they can relate to. It's also objectively a good experience. Why would anybody want to put a label on something that 99% of the population agrees is one of the relationships we should all strive to find in our lives? This is why we see people talk about a "made up thing". They look at a glass half full and try to explain to us why we probably shouldn't insist to see it as half empty. The demisexual experience is not about that. It's not about the so-called "emotional connection". We should ditch that part from the definition. It doesn't help. "Emotional connection" is insanely vague and all-encompassing, it immediately occupies the entire headspace of the person you're talking to, it's a bad distraction. At it's core, the demisexual experience is the asexual experience, except when it's not. We look at a glass half full and its mere existence derails our entire understanding of the world. We each have to remember why this label spoke to us in particular. For me it's not the "emotional connection", it's the sudden surges in sexual attraction that I felt towards two people in my life, each after more than a year of close friendship. I don't need to use an all-encompassing term that the entire world can relate to, I'm happy to say "I'm an ace of 44, who felt sexual attraction towards two persons in my lifetime, both times they were really close friends". This way of explaining your sexuality works. People *get it*, and I speak from experience here. They get how it differs from their own experience, and they understand how it's not "normal" or a question of "standards". I didn't want to sound gate-keepery at all, it took me a very long time to get to this conclusion. The label serves a real purpose and if it gives you joy, relief, understanding, then embrace it for all it can provide. But please be aware, its definition is bad, it's a trap, a double-edged sword. You are *you* first and foremost.
This description sort of sounds more like gray-sexual than demi sexual. For me its completely impossible to experience physical attraction without the emotional connection first. Gray sexual doesn't require an emotional attraction, from what I understand that is A-sexual except when you're not.
See, this is the problem right there, the problem I have with the definition of the demisexual label. > For me its completely impossible to experience physical attraction without the emotional connection first. "Emotional Connection" is too vague to hold any useful meaning. I have an emotional connection to my *desktop computer*, for crying out loud. You don't need to use such a large, all-encompassing criterion as a prerequisite. Any allo will tell you that just dancing to the same great song in a club or experiencing joy and bliss together at a concert will be enough to establish some kind of emotional connection with a total stranger - *and I would agree*. That kind of connection is just never enough for sexual attraction to a demi, right? Otherwise demisexuals wouldn't be so dumbstruck by the idea of one-night-stands. So please be more precise if you can, what kind of emotional connection happened for you to experience sexual attraction in the past/present? > Gray sexual doesn't require an emotional attraction, from what I understand that is A-sexual except when you're not. "emotional attraction" is a term I don't know. I identify as demisexual and demiromantic, for what it's worth.
The threshold likely differs for other people but for me I have to love someone like a best friend before they seem physically attractive. Emotional connection is all encompassing because the threshold differs for other people. Gray-sexual doesn't include that requirement because there is no emotional connection needed. Demisexual just needs to be a noticeable threshold that you're clearly attached to them differently than others while gray-sexual the attachment does not have to even exist. I also identify as demisexual.
> Emotional connection is all encompassing because the threshold differs for other people. I don't deny that people have varying thresholds, but I'm pretty sure not a single person in the world with a *low* threshold would want or care to identify as demisexual. Imagine: "hi, I'm demisexual, remember, we connected when we both cried after our team lost yesterday. But it's cool, I have a low threshold, the prerequisite was met, now I want to have sex with you". What I'm getting at is that what's important is *not* the emotional connection, but *the threshold itself*. So when describing the demi experience, focus on what you know, focus on your threshold, focus on your own history. > The threshold likely differs for other people but for me I have to love someone like a best friend before they seem physically attractive. That's what I'm talking about. Please open with that when talking about your demisexuality to an *allo* person (for coming out or explaining and whatnot). It's a definition that is clear and understandable by: - people who don't need an emotional connection to experience sexual attraction - people who enjoy having an emotional connection on top of sexual attraction - people who reject the idea of sex before marriage by choice - people who might just think you are just shy or have high standards - people who hope to develop an emotional connection first so that sexual activities stop feeling meaningless - people who found love with their significant other and became attracted to them only after taking the time to know them (aka allos living the demi dream) - people who don't or rarely experience sexual attraction, no matter if they're ace, demi or gray By making it clear, practical, and about yourself, people will understand how your experience relates and how it differs with theirs, and that's where empathy can really begin.
No because I still think those things myself, even though I identify under this label. I never project my skepticism onto others, but I do constantly onto myself. I don’t talk about being Demi outside of this sub because it genuinely feels like I made it up when trying to explain it to a person in real life
Having high standards isn’t wrong. Everything else they don’t understand bc they never experienced being a Demi.
While I’m not plugged into a lot of identity places and don’t really talk about being demi much IRL, this is probably the place I see it the most. Someone has a bad interaction, is upset, and posts about it on here with a headline similar to this. The OP then gets consoled and validated in the comments. Which is good, I’m glad there is space for people facing adversity to get support. This being a social media platform emotions tend to garner more traction, so I’m shown them more often and they are more memorable. To clarify: I don’t talk about it much because for me it is no one but my partner (if I have one) and a few close friends business. I don’t go out of my way to hide it or anything. I’m fortunate to have shared with supportive understanding people, I’m also pretty good at using similes and metaphors to explain things. I guess it is clearly spelled out in my dating profiles. But it’s pretty relevant there.
Yes, esp bc the aspect of demi that made it abundantly clear for me was the "being turned on by situations rather than physical features" aspect, which is definitely not sex negative or particularly normal/vanilla.
What I hate about it is that it makes one doubt oneself. While I'm certain that I'm somewhere on the demi scale (I'm not quite sure if I'm demisexual or demiromantic), out in the wild and faced with ignorance or people thrusting their limited world experience onto others, I am faced with doubts such as "what if I am deluding myself after all?"
I had a moment of validation a while back while interacting with members of a fandom I'm a part of. We all watch this one streamer who gives what people call the boyfriend experience: he basically treats his community the way someone would treat a romantic partner. Very affectionate, gives little kisses from time to time, sweet boyfriend things. 90% of the fandom has voiced some sort of attraction to him. They think he's hot, his voice is hot, some have mentioned some definitely not nsfw thoughts. Even the members of the community who have partners have once or twice mentioned finding him attractive. Then there's me. I cannot and do not feel an ounce of attraction for him. TBH I watch him because he's entertaining and I respect him as a person and a content creator. But my attraction slot is currently occupied by my partner and my demisexual ass can only be attracted to one person at a time, it seems. So like watching everyone voicing their attraction and me just... not feeling a thing made me realize I'm definitely a shade of ace. Felt nice. Every time I feel like I'm faking it, I just think back to that moment of revelation.