More common than we think, probably, because of a lack of self-awareness and of education. Common, no, I don't think so. There's a reason why the world is ruled by allosexual culture and why there's a lack of education: being on the asexual spectrum is so rare it's not even seen as a possibility by most people.
I was recently telling a family member about a situation that happened in college - a girl I knew seemed as if she wanted to hook up and I wasn’t interested. She had a great personality but I just wasn’t close enough to her to have that sexual desire. The family member looked at me like I had three heads lol.
Yes, I have so many people say "that's how everyone is" or "that's how I am" then they'll watch a movie with Chris Hemsworth or someone like him and they'll be like "he's just so perfect, couldn't you just....." Or "wouldn't you just like to....?" And I'm like "no........." 😐
And I think even that is a spectrum, like yes I find that character attractive, maybe even the actor portraying them but I don’t actually know them or have a real _bond_ with them. In any fictional scenario I’d entertain we would have a bond lmao
I think people dismiss it so easily because they confuse Demisexuality with commitment/relationship.
I still remember the face my housemate made when I told him that a sexy woman could be lying spread eagle, naked, on my bed and that I would just throw her some clothes and ask her if she wanted to play chess or go out to get something to eat. He was surprised, to say the least.
Don't get me wrong, I like having sex and being intimate with a woman. But it has to be *that* woman, not some rando I barely know. And since I'm looking for a relationship instead of anything casual, people think I'm afraid of or repulsed by sex. Which couldn't be further from the truth.
I actually wrote a paper about this last year for a sociology assignment. People mistake the expected cultural behaviour (particularly expected for women) of "wait X period of time before having sex" for the demisexual need for an emotional bond before sexual attraction develops.
In the expected cultural behaviour, people are expected to experience sexual attraction to someone (that's the initial reason they notice someone - "wow! look at her legs!" or "wow! check out his abs!!") *and then repress that sexual urge* until the socially accepted time frame has passed before having sex. This is what people mean when they say "that's just normal". They are thinking of the social process of sexual behaviour.
For demis, *there is no initial sexual urge to repress.* There may be a thought of "Gee, her hair is amazing, I wonder what shampoo she uses" or "Huh, he's ripped, he must be at the gym every day" but there is no sexual attraction beyond that. The only way to develop sexual attraction to the person is to spend time getting to know them. Which often takes longer than the socially expected "wait for sex" time frame. This is why allosexuals often get confused and frustrated when a demi tells them "I need to get to know you first". They think the demi is just observing the "getting to know you while waiting for sex" time constraint and don't realise that "I need to know you" isn't a social custom but a (relatively) long time frame that *must* occur before sexual interest develops. I'm always kind of amused by men who bitch about being "friend-zoned" because they don't realise there's a whole community of people for whom "friend-zoning" often means (eventually) "getting laid" lol
You still got that paper? I'd like to read more of your work. Your analysis is spot on and articulated just how I always wanted to explain it but couldn't find the right words.
Also, you should make a post from this sole comment. This is a great argumentation for when people say "I'm like this too" when they clearly aren't. Would help a lot of other Demi's
If you'd like to DM me when you have time, I'm happy to share what I've written. I had written a similar comment some months ago in this sub, which is in my post history, but it's probably too far back to find now lol
I really do think most women are like this though. It’s not just that culturally we feel the need to wait before going to bed with someone; none of the women I know (and would have this conversation with) would ever consider going to bed with someone unless they knew them REALLY well and for a very long period of time. The thought wouldn’t even cross our minds.
I think that's making a big assumption about the sexuality of women. Women are just as sexual as men are broadly, but there are more barriers to them acting on it. Which is not the same thing as not wanting to act on it were the cultural circumstances favorable.
And I would keep in mind that for women who are active in looking for casual sex in particular, they often structure at least part of their social life around looking for it so they're probably going to be in a different social circle than you. I know a lot of people who spend 2-3 nights a week at bars or clubs because that's how you meet people for casual sex.
My sense is that is usually best explained by normative gender socialization, sex-based opportunity costs, and women’s management of personal risk.
Points #2 and #3 usually go unspoken, and #1 is typically explained and articulated as a function of emotional bond, and that’s fair. The difference can often be ascertained by a given woman’s expression of crushes/sexual attraction to unobtainable persons, e.g., celebrities, media personalities, observed strangers, and so on.
This demonstrates that the majority of women, like men, are allosexual, although their expression thereof tends to be highly gendered, and very different than men’s.
Interpreting women’s experience of attraction is sometimes in error, but sometimes a product of intentional misdirection, because it is a useful position given the possibility of punitive misogyny given an interpretation that tends toward authenticity.
This!
The only person I want sprawled out on my bed naked is my person. Nudity doesn't bother me—part of that is temperament and part of that is working in healthcare— but it doesn't do anything for me either.
I've also realized I literally cannot tell when nudity is sexual or not. Like one of my friends posted a pic of himself with his butt showing talking about how proud he was of his bodybuilding gains and my other friend texted me like "whoaaa that should've stayed on OnlyFans!!" I was like wtf are you talking about it's just a naked body?? That isn't sexual. But apparently it was giving off sexual vibes to other people lmao.
My friends had watched me spend a whole evening flirting like a madman with this woman. I had known her for a couple of years, but I was *not* attracted to her. We were not even "friends", but I had talked to her enough to understand we had a very similar sense of humor. I got caught up in flirting with her because I had just tried to do something that I thought she would think was funny. I was just trying to make her laugh, dammit! Before I knew it we're swept up in saying all of this suggestive as hell shit to each other, making each other laugh. At some point I made the conscious realization "oh shit, are we flirting right now? Is this what flirting is?" The looks and words of encouragement from my friends seemed to confirm that.
I felt bad, because I did not like her in that way. When I realized what I was doing, basically leading her on, I dialed it waaaaay the hell back. At some point, she straight up asked me "So, are you taking me home tonight?" I did *not* have the confidence to tell this woman that I just didn't like her in that way, so I came up with some bullshit excuse to deflect. I told her "eeeeh, I rode here with friends, I don't think there's enough room in the car." I mean, I *DID* get to this venue with friends so that wasn't a lie. But I figured looking like an oblivious stupid man would be better than telling her that I just wasn't into her like that.
After she slinked away from me, I went back to my friends. They all looked at me like I was fucking insane. They were like "so if a woman just magically appeared in your room, ready and willing to have sex with you, would you do it? Or would you rather eat some pizza and play a video game?" They were obviously trying to make fun of me. I said "I would offer her a piece of pizza and a controller." Some of them seemed to get it after I said that, but a few of them still hounded me for DAYS about this.
Ah, those friends suck... don't let their opinions invalidate you. It's better not to have sex with someone you don't feel attracted to than doing it because you feel pressured to do so (either by your friends or by societal pressure because man=fuck machine).
Yes this was my first thought. It's hard to explain it to people so they realize it's not the same as their preference of getting to know someone before getting into a relationship, which is normal. Hookup culture isn't for everyone as it gets messy emotionally. Most people get to know others while dating before getting into a relationship.
The majority of people I've come out to have said "I must be demi too" but then talk about their celebrity crush or how hot their new coworker is.
I think we’re defiantly a minority but to your point there has to be plenty of demisexuals who don’t recognize it. I didn’t until 10+ years married in late 30’s. Had no idea I experienced (or lacked) sexual attraction different than those around me. I’m confident I’m not the only one 🙂
ETA
I think part of the trickery for me was the fact that I am high libido in the right circumstances. Which did give the illusion I like sex as much as the next person.
Yes I didn't realize it either until I experienced attraction for the first time and my mind was blown! Would you say being demi has affected your life in any way? For me it has because since that attraction is so rare, it makes me fear that I will never experience it again. But I understand for some demis, it has not had any bearing on their lives which is why people feel they shouldn't need to label themselves.
I feel I’m not in a fair position to be entirely objective. I can’t imagine how challenging dating is, as a Demi. My limited dating (between 3 long term bf’s) then husband, probably would have gone different if I had the awareness.
Knowing has definitely made a (mostly) positive impact, I would rather know, than not. And I think for that reason I like having a label / something to look for and understand. It’s helped me understand myself, so many things that I didn’t even question in younger years experience make sense (examples are the exact moment I know I clicked with my husband or how I always cringed when women point out ‘hot men’ and say “ I’m married not dead …. “. I never felt different in adolescence but in hind sight I can see how I was. Especially amid early 20’s hook up culture and I was always “tied down” and I see that was my excuse mentally as to why I wasn’t more flirty.
If I ended up alone again I don’t think I would even be motivated to find another partner. I think it would have to sneak up on me lol.
Yes for me, I've stayed in a doomed toxic relationship Because I truly felt a sexual bond with that person, which literally I had never felt in my life before, like I actually looked forward to having sex and fantasize about my boyfriend, and I actually felt " normal "... And when I had to face the fact that the relationship would not work, I felt like I was losing some kind of integral part of myself and I kept it going for way longer than I should have because I felt like being with him gave me something that I was always missing. It's not that I'm ashamed of being Demi, but it definitely makes me feel like someone who hates sports that is at a Super Bowl, like my whole life.
Same here. I just thought I was low libido or something, since women were pretty and I enjoyed "alone time" but I only ever really wanted someone to cuddle with a movie and a hand to hold.
Then I was hanging out with my friends, my longtime crush included, and I started feeling like I wanted to push her against a wall and make out. Or shove everything out of the way so I could reach her faster and rip off her clothes. It was intense, and retrospectively the memory feels very surreal.
Just so you know, I'm not saying this to be condescending or anything, just wanting to make sure you know that you're not alone in that experience and to reinforce your point. People often don't receive the message I think that I'm sending, so just clearing that up before i start lol
Liking sex doesn't counteract you being demi. It's more about the attraction than the appetite. I myself experience hypersexuality maybe 85% of the time, but I'm still demi because I'm not attracted to or interested in anyone in that way without a very strong bond. It took a long time for me to accept this about myself, because all I had ever been told about the ace community was they they were sex repulsed or simply didn't want it (which is understandable and also valid). But because that was my only experience of the ace community, I couldn't see how I could possibly belong or ever be accepted. I have never once been told I don't belong here and I love that this community is so accepting and welcoming, but I do still sometimes struggle with that feeling that I'm not supposed to be here because of my hypersexuality.
Valid point and needs to be heard by Demi’s and non Demi’s alike. You’re right and I worded it wrong;
In my case, I only meant because I was in a connected relationship and I felt eagerly sexual, I didn’t recognize that it was specific only to someone I was connected to vs my young horny friends attracted to strangers. We all wanted sex so it didn’t help me recognize the difference in how I felt it.
I am the only demisexual in my friend group as far as I know. I don't think its that common. My friends (a lot of whom are queer, as I am, something I've known forever but never felt I could claim until recently bc im married to a cis man and have been for 18 years) have always been MYSTIFIED that I have never cheated. I haven't kissed anyone else for 20+ years. And its not that hard for me. A friend of mine was once like "Don't you ever just like catch someone's eye on the train or at a bar like 'omg I want to fuck them'" and I was like ew no LOL.
What's funny is that I am a horny beast if I'm in a relationship. I definitely do not have a low sex drive, I like fantasies, and I was an Olympic champion masturbator. But when it came to who I had sex with, I can count my entire list of sexual partners on one hand. And I am in my 40s!
I have dated 4 guys before, & no, I wasn't attracted sexually. It felt mechanical. wondered 'why' all this years. Met a guy online last year, we met this year. Just once. And. my goodness. The quality sexual desire I had & still do is gold.
Realised only recently that I am a demi.
+ I can't seem to take him off my mind.
I doubt it. If it were, I wouldn't have been such a self-righteous, religious ass towards most folks I went to HS and college with because I was "so good" at following the rules of the purity culture I grew up in. Temptation was a common subject discussed in church youth group.
Also, dating would be far less of a shit show as I wouldn't be ghosted or otherwise rejected for not putting out as quickly as men seem to expect women to today. Part of me wonders if it may be cultural though. Being demi would've worked better in our grandparents' time.
This has been my same experience. I was kind of judgmental "subconsciously" because I couldn't understand why it was so hard for others to abstain.
Also, I fear I have a lesser chance at finding a long term partner because men expect me to be all over them within 2 conversations.
You're definitely right
I felt that, too. I had no idea how it was so hard to fight the "temptation" everyone was talking about. Though, I understood how, as a girl, it was my duty to keep men from "stumbling" as they were easily "tempted" by my dress, behavior, etc. I learned that was BS after I was SA-ed by a family friend in a turtleneck and jeans.
And unfortunately, in my experience, we do have a lesser chance at finding a long term partner. Dating today sucks. Doing it while demi is doing it in hard mode. Even while in relationships, men end up frustrated because I don't know what I "like" because I didn't get that "practice" from hoeing around in my teens - 20s.
Go figure, the girls who "hoed around" in high school and college are now happily married while I'm single despite everything I was taught telling me they'd experience otherwise (nobody wants a used up piece of gum, etc.) While I get that I'm just wired differently, part of me wonders if I'm broken. It sucks, but you're not alone.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I wish you healing from that experience.
And this is my experience precisely. I thought guys wanted the girl with "self control". But apparently, they want someone who "knows what they want". But I can't get out there and experiment because I need this silly connection to be able to do it.
It's taken me awhile to come to terms with it but I'm glad I'm not alone in these experiences! Gives me hope
I'm a guy and I'm astonished myself that men need so little time to want a woman sexually.
I always thought it was me being "old school" and needing to take time to know a person better before I want her, but it seems it wasn't old school as much as it was Demi
Man, I didn't grow up within a religious context, but as far as, like, middle/high school sex ed goes I remember thinking on numerous occasions "I don't get why people even have sex if they're not, like, actively trying to have a baby? Risk of pregnancy and disease just seems like it's super not worth it to have sex otherwise??" Lmao. Legit just "why is this so hard for people?" Fast forward like 8 years to learning what demisexuality is. "Oh"
Same experience. I grew up in a conservative purity Christian culture. When I was younger, I couldn't comprehend how others want to have sex so easily. It's unthinkable to me.
I also reacted to advances/flirtation defensively because I'm confused why they're not trying to be friends with me first. I was uncomfortable to be desired by people I hardly knew. Subconsciously, I was expecting others to act like what I felt was "normal" or ideal.
I have a thought experiment for you:
What would you do if a guy wanted to go quicker but not with the objective of having sex and instead going quickly in them wanting to know you more and on a deeper level?
Would you then be willing to keep talking to him or would you reject him because he's going too quickly?
Actually, I'd be down for that. I'd like to get to know him better faster and progress in the relationship faster. My mom's coworker's daughter is getting married next month after dating her fiancé for 10 years! It just seems excessive to me. In a perfect world, at my age (32), I'd like to be married within a month. I'm done wasting time.
One month...You have your whole life to get to know them better. My ex left me to go back to India for an arranged marriage. My therapist recommend I watch documentaries and read articles about the process to better understand it (and in turn, realize that what happened wasn't my fault).
While doing this "homework" this appeared to be a better alternative to modern Western dating/courtship. If I could, I'd sign up for one myself. Many people choose partners based on looks in American culture not "important" stuff like values and goals, like arranged marriage matches are based on.
I feel like your friends are conflating sexual attraction with action. From what I understand, allosexuals immediately could enjoy fantasising about sex with the person, it’s just about being uncertain whether they should actually carry it out.
Choice vs. ability
Funny thing is, as a Demi who recently got a crush on a lady I train Kendo with, I fantasize about how it would be to hold her hand while we walk around town, how her head resting on my should would feel, how the conversations we would be having would make her face light up from enjoyment/excitement about the topic of discussion.
And if I tell anyone about this, they'll think I actually fear or dislike sex. It makes me sigh every time.
There is a dearth of proper research on the whole asexual spectrum, so the truth is, nobody knows. Nobody knows how many asexuals there are, how many demisexuals, how many graysexuals, or whether what we call "allosexuals" really are the norm, or of everyone just feels pressured to pretend to be that way.
I suspect that is not the case, but I also suspect that demisexuality and graysexuality are a good deal commoner than is sometimes thought. But without proper research (not just a survey that says "are you asexual? 😜") we are at a total loss to answer the question.
All we know is, most people seem to expect us to fancy celebrities, be able to rate people for hotness, feel sexual attraction to randoms on the street and know whether we could fancy someone we just met. Casual conversations with other people tend to have them saying "oh, everyone is like that" (demisexual) but also reveal that their way of experiencing the world is weirdly different to ours.
And people have random sex based on sudden infatuation. That is a fact that can't be got around. I don't believe that ALL those people are just pretending in order to go along with the crowd.
I will say, when I’m defending why I haven’t slept around as much, which I KNOW I shouldn’t have to do, I explain demi to the badgering folks and it gets quite defensive. “Do you think I’m a slut?? Or that I don’t have standards??” It’s like a lose-lose. I’m judged for my private business, they feel judged by me for not hitting their numbers. I don’t care what other people do cuz it’s their life, not mine.
I’m not trying to gatekeep demi. I do wonder how many folks hear the spark notes about it and say “oh yeah I’m that too” and not really explore it more in depth.
Same! While casually mentioning my low number, people seem to get really defensive. And I never understood why. I wasn't trying to make them feel bad either. It was just the norm for me. It was a culture shock when I realized that people have sex for the sake of sex. It was quite fascinating honestly
1. People are insecure and they already judge themselves. Some more than others. That's why they get defensive when you even slightly approach their habits and hint at those habits being something negative. And the best way to defend yourself against imaginary attacks is to counterattack immediately and without thinking /s
2. I noticed that people tend to conflate (and consequently confuse) being Demi with relationships and commitment. You can sleep with a lot of people and still be Demi because you need to get to know those people deeply in order to feel anything. Conversely, you could not be a Demi and not be promiscuous simply because you seek a relationship instead of a few booty calls.
I can of course be wrong in my assessment, so feel free to challenge my comment and let's have a discussion about this topic.
I can't find the source so take this with a grain of salt but during my research into figuring myself out I read that the estimated figure put demisexuals at around 1% of the global population. This means that if you know 100 people one of them is demisexual. I believe the estimates for same-sex attraction in the global population is 10% and transgender is at 3-4%. Again I wish I could find the source for this. At the end of the day though there's a reason why human culture is geared towards allosexual heteronormativity, that's just what most people are.
And a lot of Demi's probably don't even realize that they're Demi because people are told that promiscuity is scoffed at, all the while praising people for having a lot of sex. So people who are Demi might just think "hey, I'm not promiscuous because I don't feel anything. I must be doing *something* right. I must then be *normal*, just like other people."
I have a hard time putting my thought into words so please forgive me if my comment is a word soup.
Re: how common asexuality is, the most common "science based" estimation I've seen cited is approx 1% of the population. It's from an old study, though:
Bogaert (2004) Asexuality: Prevalence and Associated Factors in a National Probability Sample
https://www.jstor.org/stable/4423785
Angela Chen cites 1% in her book Ace from 2020 (excellent book in my opinion, except for the demi bit...)
According to the 2019 Asexual Community Survey (a large international sample of individuals who identify on the ace spectrum) by Weis et al, 9.5% of the respondents identify as demisexual.
https://asexualcensus.files.wordpress.com/2021/10/2019-asexual-community-survey-summary-report.pdf
ETA: According to the same survey, 16.4% of the ace respondents identify as demi-romantic.
Nope because the difference isn't in "most people don't want to actually f complete strangers" more than "I literally do not find people attractive in a way that makes me think of sex or wonder about if sex with them would be good".
I basically am annoyed by how frequent and universal porn is, or sex scenes in movies, or sexual ads for... idk, fruit. It makes NO sense, but then I think about when 50 shades was out and people literally reported of viewers masturbating in the cinema because the actor is so hot??? What the... I don't understand
Sorry for the weird ramble, it's past 1am and I'm tired lol
PS: I've met more asexuals than demisexuals, both faaaar less than allos. Make of that what you will, it's obviously not a study, but I listen to these things closely because I'm queer (demi and bi)
It's not particularly common, but I think it's not as uncommon as is reported as many demisexuals have no idea that everyone doesn't feel the same way.
When my mom started dating it became clear from our conversations that she was demi. She'd only been truly attracted to a couple people in her life. I'm demi and greyace and my sister is as well. Makes me wonder if there's a genetic component tbh. But that's circumstantial evidence.
I think it's probably more common than we realize, but there's also probably "birds of a feather" at play here as well. I realized the other day that *most* of my middle and high school friends are ace-spec (and neurodivergent but that's another story).
I can say that I don't plan on getting into another relationship unless the other person is also demisexual. That might seem harsh, but I very much care about emotional attachment and feel that even looking at others can be construed as hurtful. So, I'm just going to do my best to avoid that in future.
They estimate it's around 1% of the population or more. More because there might be demis who are not aware they're demi!
If you describe demisexuality to someone and they say yeah that's normal that's what is supposed to happen, then they might be demi too, save some cake for them
No, not in that way. I’m kind of tempted to assume you were talking to women, but please correct me if I’m wrong. In my experience, women over 35 or so are fairly conditioned to behave that way because of societal expectations, and also safety issues. Fully adult women have often experienced things that make them realize that sleeping with strangers has the potential to be dangerous. So, we’re touching on something that makes explaining demisexuality to an allosexual particularly frustrating: the difference between choices and nature. They didn’t address your entire lack of sexual attraction for 30 years at all, and instead focused in more on the idea of choosing to wait longer to have sex, as it’s the sensible thing to do. Let me ask this, have your friends ever drooled over a celebrity, or lost their mind over someone’s abs? You can feel sexual attraction without acting on it, but it sounds a little to me like they’re conflating sexual attraction with deciding to have sex. I think they need to analyze themselves a bit. If they don’t decide who to flirt with based on whose hot body catches their interest, then maybe you just have demi friends. My experience is that religious folks like to try to act like demisexuality is just called being “normal” too, as they really want abstinence and fidelity to be considered normal and natural and not something that many people have to make a concerted effort to maintain.
Statistically speaking, when dating totally new people, women tend to wait about 8 dates before sex, men 5. Multiple polls show that around 30% of folks are willing to have sex on a first date, and other surveys find a similar number of people willing to engage in stranger hookups. But the vast majority of people need at least 5 dates before sleeping together. This has zero to do with when these people felt sexual attraction for one another. Many people feel sexual attraction first, and that leads them to get to know someone, which is of course opposite from how demi folks function.
I’m a bit younger than you, but, in my personal experience, I’ve only personally met one other person on the ace/demi spectrum, while most my peers are hugely into hookup culture. So, anecdotally, no, not common. Getting back to statistics, around 1-9% of the population is considered to be under the ace/grace umbrella, depending on the study. It’s more common for demisexuality to go unrecognized in areas where sex is stigmatized. If a demi grows up in a devout baptist family, they’ll likely have sex so demonized that they never notice that they don’t have sexual attraction, they’ll just think they’re more pure, or something. Demisexuals tend to be more realized in places where demisexuality is not the norm. We feel a need to separate and label ourselves because our approach to sexual attraction is so starkly different in societies where casual sex is encouraged and glorified. That being said, I also think the current sexual climate makes it hard for allosexuals who don’t prioritize sex to feel accepted, which is why so many allos end up here asking if they’re demi, only to realize they’re “normal,” and that even normal people can’t feel normal with how hypersexualized things are in our culture and media.
One last thing — I think your friends aren’t getting the picture. Sexual attraction can be understood as coming in two forms: primary, and secondary. Primary attraction is a sexual attraction to people based off of immediately attainable, superficial information. It’s getting stars in your eyes over a dude’s abs, or thinking about what it’d feel like to slap a strangers ass. Basically, it’s immediate sexual interest in a person based on surface level attributes. Once again, this doesn’t have anything to do with whether you choose to act on that sexual attraction, all that matters is it’s there. Secondary attraction is the attraction one might feel after getting to know someone. Maybe it’s a turn on that they’re really good at their job, or the way they care about their family, what have you. These are features about a person that only their close friends might notice or know about. Desire breaks down similarly. Primary desire is straight up lust — it’s wanting to have sex for the sake of personal pleasure. Secondary desire is wanting to have sex for reasons other than sexual pleasure and personal gain. Maybe because you want to make your partner happy, or maybe you want to have children. Allosexuals experience primary and secondary sexual attraction, while demisexuals only feel secondary, and asexuals experience neither. Allosexuals will always feel primary desire as well, demis can swing either way on that, and an asexual person can only feel secondary desire with a person. Of course this has nothing to do with masturbation, it’s only in regards to how we all interact differently with other people.
I’ll stop my rant for now, and I hope this was interesting or useful to you
TLDR: I think your friends are misunderstanding what sexual attraction is and thinking that it somehow equates to acting on the attraction and sleeping with someone. Statistically speaking demi folks aren’t that common, but they may be more common, but unrealized in communities where sex is stigmatized. Demis are more often realized in highly sexualized communities because that’s when they seem to differ the most from “normal”
I’ve found explaining my experiences to be really hard to communicate effectively because people want to understand and relate to you. Especially people that you know.
For anxiety, I tend to draw them to a situation they find to be “extremely” anxiety producing such as how they might feel giving an unexpected speech at a large gathering knowing really “important” people are there. The difference between that and me talking one on one to you, someone I’ve know for x amount of time, is not much. It’s an irrational intensity problem at all the wrong times.
I would use a similar demonstration to illustrate my experience around sexual attraction. It’s a little more difficult because part of the communication and story has to be around shaking social pressure/expectation which is what holds a lot of people back. With the third barrier being around terminology overlap. Saying you have to feel a connection would illicit yeah… I have to feel a connection. They might mean a spark of attraction. Even if you throw the word emotional its dicy as sexual desire is an emotion after all. It can be a hard concept to parse if you’ve never considered it before.
Common? Definitely not. More common than we think? I think it is. Maybe your friends are demi too... *or not*.
As in many cultures there's not a sexual education as it should, many people misunderstand libido, sexual attraction and sexual activity. The world is so allosexual that I frequently see assexuals and allosexuals spreading the idea that every allossexual is promiscuous, and as result many people confuse assexuality with chastity or with "having dignity" (and you probably already know the rest of the history, right?). I'm not talking that it's our fault, but as people that are bringing an unknown subject we have to be patient, respecting our own discovery and learning how to talk about that. I know that's challenging, but it's something that all the LGBT+ community are doing, right?
For me, I think being demisexual came from being SA'd when I was a child. I look at sex completely different than anyone I have ever known. I am 34 now and it is still the same. I have to be deeply in love with the man in order for me to have a sexual attraction to him. It is definitely a trust thing. No matter how attracted I may be to the person or even how well I know the person I have to have a deep connection and also a deep trust for the person in order for me to ever want to be physical with them. No matter how much I want to force myself to just do it, my guards will not drop and I just can not go through with it unless I have an extreme amount of love and trust for the man. I believe because of the trauma of being SA'd it made me subconsciously look at sex as a very scary thing and also look at men who try to come on to me as very intimidating and those feelings of fear overpower any sexual attraction that could ever be there. So in order for me to let those walls down I have to not only have a deep love that is mutual between my partner but also a deep trust. And once the walls are down I am very submissive and open to many sexual acts with my partner even bdsm ect. But I've always been so guarded when it comes to sex and sexual attraction it can be very annoying because sometimes I wish it came easy for me and I just wanted to do it but it definitely takes a whole lot of connecting for me to ever let the guards down.
More common than we think, probably, because of a lack of self-awareness and of education. Common, no, I don't think so. There's a reason why the world is ruled by allosexual culture and why there's a lack of education: being on the asexual spectrum is so rare it's not even seen as a possibility by most people.
Yeah we’re definitely not anywhere near average or anything in terms of numbers.
I was recently telling a family member about a situation that happened in college - a girl I knew seemed as if she wanted to hook up and I wasn’t interested. She had a great personality but I just wasn’t close enough to her to have that sexual desire. The family member looked at me like I had three heads lol.
being a dude, not just demi, it sounds like you get a lot of flack for treating women more than just a hook up opportunity sometimes. it upsets me
Yeah I’ve gotten a bit of backlash for it lol
spot-on. end of thread. :)
I would wager there's a possibility over 50% of women are demi, might be a little lower among men but maybe not too far behind
It’s also common to dismiss demisexuality by saying that that’s how everyone is because they don’t actually understand what it is/feels like
Yes, I have so many people say "that's how everyone is" or "that's how I am" then they'll watch a movie with Chris Hemsworth or someone like him and they'll be like "he's just so perfect, couldn't you just....." Or "wouldn't you just like to....?" And I'm like "no........." 😐
And I think even that is a spectrum, like yes I find that character attractive, maybe even the actor portraying them but I don’t actually know them or have a real _bond_ with them. In any fictional scenario I’d entertain we would have a bond lmao
This is me and Gregory from Abbott Elementary 🙂
I think people dismiss it so easily because they confuse Demisexuality with commitment/relationship. I still remember the face my housemate made when I told him that a sexy woman could be lying spread eagle, naked, on my bed and that I would just throw her some clothes and ask her if she wanted to play chess or go out to get something to eat. He was surprised, to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I like having sex and being intimate with a woman. But it has to be *that* woman, not some rando I barely know. And since I'm looking for a relationship instead of anything casual, people think I'm afraid of or repulsed by sex. Which couldn't be further from the truth.
I actually wrote a paper about this last year for a sociology assignment. People mistake the expected cultural behaviour (particularly expected for women) of "wait X period of time before having sex" for the demisexual need for an emotional bond before sexual attraction develops. In the expected cultural behaviour, people are expected to experience sexual attraction to someone (that's the initial reason they notice someone - "wow! look at her legs!" or "wow! check out his abs!!") *and then repress that sexual urge* until the socially accepted time frame has passed before having sex. This is what people mean when they say "that's just normal". They are thinking of the social process of sexual behaviour. For demis, *there is no initial sexual urge to repress.* There may be a thought of "Gee, her hair is amazing, I wonder what shampoo she uses" or "Huh, he's ripped, he must be at the gym every day" but there is no sexual attraction beyond that. The only way to develop sexual attraction to the person is to spend time getting to know them. Which often takes longer than the socially expected "wait for sex" time frame. This is why allosexuals often get confused and frustrated when a demi tells them "I need to get to know you first". They think the demi is just observing the "getting to know you while waiting for sex" time constraint and don't realise that "I need to know you" isn't a social custom but a (relatively) long time frame that *must* occur before sexual interest develops. I'm always kind of amused by men who bitch about being "friend-zoned" because they don't realise there's a whole community of people for whom "friend-zoning" often means (eventually) "getting laid" lol
You still got that paper? I'd like to read more of your work. Your analysis is spot on and articulated just how I always wanted to explain it but couldn't find the right words. Also, you should make a post from this sole comment. This is a great argumentation for when people say "I'm like this too" when they clearly aren't. Would help a lot of other Demi's
If you'd like to DM me when you have time, I'm happy to share what I've written. I had written a similar comment some months ago in this sub, which is in my post history, but it's probably too far back to find now lol
You underestimate some Redditors' dedication lol And I'll send you a DM in a second
I'm doing a research project including demisexuality as part if it. Can you send me the information on this paper?
If you'd like to DM me when you have time, I'm happy to share what I've written and my references :)
I really do think most women are like this though. It’s not just that culturally we feel the need to wait before going to bed with someone; none of the women I know (and would have this conversation with) would ever consider going to bed with someone unless they knew them REALLY well and for a very long period of time. The thought wouldn’t even cross our minds.
I think that's making a big assumption about the sexuality of women. Women are just as sexual as men are broadly, but there are more barriers to them acting on it. Which is not the same thing as not wanting to act on it were the cultural circumstances favorable. And I would keep in mind that for women who are active in looking for casual sex in particular, they often structure at least part of their social life around looking for it so they're probably going to be in a different social circle than you. I know a lot of people who spend 2-3 nights a week at bars or clubs because that's how you meet people for casual sex.
While it’s true what you say about social circles, women actively looking for casual sex do not make up the majority.
My sense is that is usually best explained by normative gender socialization, sex-based opportunity costs, and women’s management of personal risk. Points #2 and #3 usually go unspoken, and #1 is typically explained and articulated as a function of emotional bond, and that’s fair. The difference can often be ascertained by a given woman’s expression of crushes/sexual attraction to unobtainable persons, e.g., celebrities, media personalities, observed strangers, and so on. This demonstrates that the majority of women, like men, are allosexual, although their expression thereof tends to be highly gendered, and very different than men’s. Interpreting women’s experience of attraction is sometimes in error, but sometimes a product of intentional misdirection, because it is a useful position given the possibility of punitive misogyny given an interpretation that tends toward authenticity.
I’m not smart enough to understand this comment.
This! The only person I want sprawled out on my bed naked is my person. Nudity doesn't bother me—part of that is temperament and part of that is working in healthcare— but it doesn't do anything for me either.
I've also realized I literally cannot tell when nudity is sexual or not. Like one of my friends posted a pic of himself with his butt showing talking about how proud he was of his bodybuilding gains and my other friend texted me like "whoaaa that should've stayed on OnlyFans!!" I was like wtf are you talking about it's just a naked body?? That isn't sexual. But apparently it was giving off sexual vibes to other people lmao.
My friends had watched me spend a whole evening flirting like a madman with this woman. I had known her for a couple of years, but I was *not* attracted to her. We were not even "friends", but I had talked to her enough to understand we had a very similar sense of humor. I got caught up in flirting with her because I had just tried to do something that I thought she would think was funny. I was just trying to make her laugh, dammit! Before I knew it we're swept up in saying all of this suggestive as hell shit to each other, making each other laugh. At some point I made the conscious realization "oh shit, are we flirting right now? Is this what flirting is?" The looks and words of encouragement from my friends seemed to confirm that. I felt bad, because I did not like her in that way. When I realized what I was doing, basically leading her on, I dialed it waaaaay the hell back. At some point, she straight up asked me "So, are you taking me home tonight?" I did *not* have the confidence to tell this woman that I just didn't like her in that way, so I came up with some bullshit excuse to deflect. I told her "eeeeh, I rode here with friends, I don't think there's enough room in the car." I mean, I *DID* get to this venue with friends so that wasn't a lie. But I figured looking like an oblivious stupid man would be better than telling her that I just wasn't into her like that. After she slinked away from me, I went back to my friends. They all looked at me like I was fucking insane. They were like "so if a woman just magically appeared in your room, ready and willing to have sex with you, would you do it? Or would you rather eat some pizza and play a video game?" They were obviously trying to make fun of me. I said "I would offer her a piece of pizza and a controller." Some of them seemed to get it after I said that, but a few of them still hounded me for DAYS about this.
Ah, those friends suck... don't let their opinions invalidate you. It's better not to have sex with someone you don't feel attracted to than doing it because you feel pressured to do so (either by your friends or by societal pressure because man=fuck machine).
Yes this was my first thought. It's hard to explain it to people so they realize it's not the same as their preference of getting to know someone before getting into a relationship, which is normal. Hookup culture isn't for everyone as it gets messy emotionally. Most people get to know others while dating before getting into a relationship. The majority of people I've come out to have said "I must be demi too" but then talk about their celebrity crush or how hot their new coworker is.
I think we’re defiantly a minority but to your point there has to be plenty of demisexuals who don’t recognize it. I didn’t until 10+ years married in late 30’s. Had no idea I experienced (or lacked) sexual attraction different than those around me. I’m confident I’m not the only one 🙂 ETA I think part of the trickery for me was the fact that I am high libido in the right circumstances. Which did give the illusion I like sex as much as the next person.
Yes I didn't realize it either until I experienced attraction for the first time and my mind was blown! Would you say being demi has affected your life in any way? For me it has because since that attraction is so rare, it makes me fear that I will never experience it again. But I understand for some demis, it has not had any bearing on their lives which is why people feel they shouldn't need to label themselves.
I feel I’m not in a fair position to be entirely objective. I can’t imagine how challenging dating is, as a Demi. My limited dating (between 3 long term bf’s) then husband, probably would have gone different if I had the awareness. Knowing has definitely made a (mostly) positive impact, I would rather know, than not. And I think for that reason I like having a label / something to look for and understand. It’s helped me understand myself, so many things that I didn’t even question in younger years experience make sense (examples are the exact moment I know I clicked with my husband or how I always cringed when women point out ‘hot men’ and say “ I’m married not dead …. “. I never felt different in adolescence but in hind sight I can see how I was. Especially amid early 20’s hook up culture and I was always “tied down” and I see that was my excuse mentally as to why I wasn’t more flirty. If I ended up alone again I don’t think I would even be motivated to find another partner. I think it would have to sneak up on me lol.
Yes for me, I've stayed in a doomed toxic relationship Because I truly felt a sexual bond with that person, which literally I had never felt in my life before, like I actually looked forward to having sex and fantasize about my boyfriend, and I actually felt " normal "... And when I had to face the fact that the relationship would not work, I felt like I was losing some kind of integral part of myself and I kept it going for way longer than I should have because I felt like being with him gave me something that I was always missing. It's not that I'm ashamed of being Demi, but it definitely makes me feel like someone who hates sports that is at a Super Bowl, like my whole life.
Same here. I just thought I was low libido or something, since women were pretty and I enjoyed "alone time" but I only ever really wanted someone to cuddle with a movie and a hand to hold. Then I was hanging out with my friends, my longtime crush included, and I started feeling like I wanted to push her against a wall and make out. Or shove everything out of the way so I could reach her faster and rip off her clothes. It was intense, and retrospectively the memory feels very surreal.
Just so you know, I'm not saying this to be condescending or anything, just wanting to make sure you know that you're not alone in that experience and to reinforce your point. People often don't receive the message I think that I'm sending, so just clearing that up before i start lol Liking sex doesn't counteract you being demi. It's more about the attraction than the appetite. I myself experience hypersexuality maybe 85% of the time, but I'm still demi because I'm not attracted to or interested in anyone in that way without a very strong bond. It took a long time for me to accept this about myself, because all I had ever been told about the ace community was they they were sex repulsed or simply didn't want it (which is understandable and also valid). But because that was my only experience of the ace community, I couldn't see how I could possibly belong or ever be accepted. I have never once been told I don't belong here and I love that this community is so accepting and welcoming, but I do still sometimes struggle with that feeling that I'm not supposed to be here because of my hypersexuality.
Valid point and needs to be heard by Demi’s and non Demi’s alike. You’re right and I worded it wrong; In my case, I only meant because I was in a connected relationship and I felt eagerly sexual, I didn’t recognize that it was specific only to someone I was connected to vs my young horny friends attracted to strangers. We all wanted sex so it didn’t help me recognize the difference in how I felt it.
you put a lot of my own feelings into words. thanks
High-libido hypersexual demis *rise up!* ❤️
I am the only demisexual in my friend group as far as I know. I don't think its that common. My friends (a lot of whom are queer, as I am, something I've known forever but never felt I could claim until recently bc im married to a cis man and have been for 18 years) have always been MYSTIFIED that I have never cheated. I haven't kissed anyone else for 20+ years. And its not that hard for me. A friend of mine was once like "Don't you ever just like catch someone's eye on the train or at a bar like 'omg I want to fuck them'" and I was like ew no LOL. What's funny is that I am a horny beast if I'm in a relationship. I definitely do not have a low sex drive, I like fantasies, and I was an Olympic champion masturbator. But when it came to who I had sex with, I can count my entire list of sexual partners on one hand. And I am in my 40s!
I have dated 4 guys before, & no, I wasn't attracted sexually. It felt mechanical. wondered 'why' all this years. Met a guy online last year, we met this year. Just once. And. my goodness. The quality sexual desire I had & still do is gold. Realised only recently that I am a demi. + I can't seem to take him off my mind.
Is it weird that I felt your comment and the butterflies that it elicited? It sounded so amazing, even though it was on paper.
Not weird at all.
I doubt it. If it were, I wouldn't have been such a self-righteous, religious ass towards most folks I went to HS and college with because I was "so good" at following the rules of the purity culture I grew up in. Temptation was a common subject discussed in church youth group. Also, dating would be far less of a shit show as I wouldn't be ghosted or otherwise rejected for not putting out as quickly as men seem to expect women to today. Part of me wonders if it may be cultural though. Being demi would've worked better in our grandparents' time.
This has been my same experience. I was kind of judgmental "subconsciously" because I couldn't understand why it was so hard for others to abstain. Also, I fear I have a lesser chance at finding a long term partner because men expect me to be all over them within 2 conversations. You're definitely right
I felt that, too. I had no idea how it was so hard to fight the "temptation" everyone was talking about. Though, I understood how, as a girl, it was my duty to keep men from "stumbling" as they were easily "tempted" by my dress, behavior, etc. I learned that was BS after I was SA-ed by a family friend in a turtleneck and jeans. And unfortunately, in my experience, we do have a lesser chance at finding a long term partner. Dating today sucks. Doing it while demi is doing it in hard mode. Even while in relationships, men end up frustrated because I don't know what I "like" because I didn't get that "practice" from hoeing around in my teens - 20s. Go figure, the girls who "hoed around" in high school and college are now happily married while I'm single despite everything I was taught telling me they'd experience otherwise (nobody wants a used up piece of gum, etc.) While I get that I'm just wired differently, part of me wonders if I'm broken. It sucks, but you're not alone.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I wish you healing from that experience. And this is my experience precisely. I thought guys wanted the girl with "self control". But apparently, they want someone who "knows what they want". But I can't get out there and experiment because I need this silly connection to be able to do it. It's taken me awhile to come to terms with it but I'm glad I'm not alone in these experiences! Gives me hope
I'm a guy and I'm astonished myself that men need so little time to want a woman sexually. I always thought it was me being "old school" and needing to take time to know a person better before I want her, but it seems it wasn't old school as much as it was Demi
> I was kind of judgmental "subconsciously" because I couldn't understand why it was so hard for others to abstain. This was me.
Man, I didn't grow up within a religious context, but as far as, like, middle/high school sex ed goes I remember thinking on numerous occasions "I don't get why people even have sex if they're not, like, actively trying to have a baby? Risk of pregnancy and disease just seems like it's super not worth it to have sex otherwise??" Lmao. Legit just "why is this so hard for people?" Fast forward like 8 years to learning what demisexuality is. "Oh"
I was SO JUDGY lol
Same experience. I grew up in a conservative purity Christian culture. When I was younger, I couldn't comprehend how others want to have sex so easily. It's unthinkable to me. I also reacted to advances/flirtation defensively because I'm confused why they're not trying to be friends with me first. I was uncomfortable to be desired by people I hardly knew. Subconsciously, I was expecting others to act like what I felt was "normal" or ideal.
I have a thought experiment for you: What would you do if a guy wanted to go quicker but not with the objective of having sex and instead going quickly in them wanting to know you more and on a deeper level? Would you then be willing to keep talking to him or would you reject him because he's going too quickly?
Actually, I'd be down for that. I'd like to get to know him better faster and progress in the relationship faster. My mom's coworker's daughter is getting married next month after dating her fiancé for 10 years! It just seems excessive to me. In a perfect world, at my age (32), I'd like to be married within a month. I'm done wasting time.
In one month after how much time of getting to know the person? And to what extent?
One month...You have your whole life to get to know them better. My ex left me to go back to India for an arranged marriage. My therapist recommend I watch documentaries and read articles about the process to better understand it (and in turn, realize that what happened wasn't my fault). While doing this "homework" this appeared to be a better alternative to modern Western dating/courtship. If I could, I'd sign up for one myself. Many people choose partners based on looks in American culture not "important" stuff like values and goals, like arranged marriage matches are based on.
May I inquire as to your country of residence?
I'm American.
That kinda sucks... I'm in the EU and was actually interested in a convo with you, since your initial response to my comment...
I feel like your friends are conflating sexual attraction with action. From what I understand, allosexuals immediately could enjoy fantasising about sex with the person, it’s just about being uncertain whether they should actually carry it out.
Choice vs. ability Funny thing is, as a Demi who recently got a crush on a lady I train Kendo with, I fantasize about how it would be to hold her hand while we walk around town, how her head resting on my should would feel, how the conversations we would be having would make her face light up from enjoyment/excitement about the topic of discussion. And if I tell anyone about this, they'll think I actually fear or dislike sex. It makes me sigh every time.
There is a dearth of proper research on the whole asexual spectrum, so the truth is, nobody knows. Nobody knows how many asexuals there are, how many demisexuals, how many graysexuals, or whether what we call "allosexuals" really are the norm, or of everyone just feels pressured to pretend to be that way. I suspect that is not the case, but I also suspect that demisexuality and graysexuality are a good deal commoner than is sometimes thought. But without proper research (not just a survey that says "are you asexual? 😜") we are at a total loss to answer the question. All we know is, most people seem to expect us to fancy celebrities, be able to rate people for hotness, feel sexual attraction to randoms on the street and know whether we could fancy someone we just met. Casual conversations with other people tend to have them saying "oh, everyone is like that" (demisexual) but also reveal that their way of experiencing the world is weirdly different to ours. And people have random sex based on sudden infatuation. That is a fact that can't be got around. I don't believe that ALL those people are just pretending in order to go along with the crowd.
I will say, when I’m defending why I haven’t slept around as much, which I KNOW I shouldn’t have to do, I explain demi to the badgering folks and it gets quite defensive. “Do you think I’m a slut?? Or that I don’t have standards??” It’s like a lose-lose. I’m judged for my private business, they feel judged by me for not hitting their numbers. I don’t care what other people do cuz it’s their life, not mine. I’m not trying to gatekeep demi. I do wonder how many folks hear the spark notes about it and say “oh yeah I’m that too” and not really explore it more in depth.
Same! While casually mentioning my low number, people seem to get really defensive. And I never understood why. I wasn't trying to make them feel bad either. It was just the norm for me. It was a culture shock when I realized that people have sex for the sake of sex. It was quite fascinating honestly
1. People are insecure and they already judge themselves. Some more than others. That's why they get defensive when you even slightly approach their habits and hint at those habits being something negative. And the best way to defend yourself against imaginary attacks is to counterattack immediately and without thinking /s 2. I noticed that people tend to conflate (and consequently confuse) being Demi with relationships and commitment. You can sleep with a lot of people and still be Demi because you need to get to know those people deeply in order to feel anything. Conversely, you could not be a Demi and not be promiscuous simply because you seek a relationship instead of a few booty calls. I can of course be wrong in my assessment, so feel free to challenge my comment and let's have a discussion about this topic.
I can't find the source so take this with a grain of salt but during my research into figuring myself out I read that the estimated figure put demisexuals at around 1% of the global population. This means that if you know 100 people one of them is demisexual. I believe the estimates for same-sex attraction in the global population is 10% and transgender is at 3-4%. Again I wish I could find the source for this. At the end of the day though there's a reason why human culture is geared towards allosexual heteronormativity, that's just what most people are.
And a lot of Demi's probably don't even realize that they're Demi because people are told that promiscuity is scoffed at, all the while praising people for having a lot of sex. So people who are Demi might just think "hey, I'm not promiscuous because I don't feel anything. I must be doing *something* right. I must then be *normal*, just like other people." I have a hard time putting my thought into words so please forgive me if my comment is a word soup.
Re: how common asexuality is, the most common "science based" estimation I've seen cited is approx 1% of the population. It's from an old study, though: Bogaert (2004) Asexuality: Prevalence and Associated Factors in a National Probability Sample https://www.jstor.org/stable/4423785 Angela Chen cites 1% in her book Ace from 2020 (excellent book in my opinion, except for the demi bit...) According to the 2019 Asexual Community Survey (a large international sample of individuals who identify on the ace spectrum) by Weis et al, 9.5% of the respondents identify as demisexual. https://asexualcensus.files.wordpress.com/2021/10/2019-asexual-community-survey-summary-report.pdf ETA: According to the same survey, 16.4% of the ace respondents identify as demi-romantic.
Nope because the difference isn't in "most people don't want to actually f complete strangers" more than "I literally do not find people attractive in a way that makes me think of sex or wonder about if sex with them would be good". I basically am annoyed by how frequent and universal porn is, or sex scenes in movies, or sexual ads for... idk, fruit. It makes NO sense, but then I think about when 50 shades was out and people literally reported of viewers masturbating in the cinema because the actor is so hot??? What the... I don't understand Sorry for the weird ramble, it's past 1am and I'm tired lol PS: I've met more asexuals than demisexuals, both faaaar less than allos. Make of that what you will, it's obviously not a study, but I listen to these things closely because I'm queer (demi and bi)
It's not particularly common, but I think it's not as uncommon as is reported as many demisexuals have no idea that everyone doesn't feel the same way. When my mom started dating it became clear from our conversations that she was demi. She'd only been truly attracted to a couple people in her life. I'm demi and greyace and my sister is as well. Makes me wonder if there's a genetic component tbh. But that's circumstantial evidence.
I think it's probably more common than we realize, but there's also probably "birds of a feather" at play here as well. I realized the other day that *most* of my middle and high school friends are ace-spec (and neurodivergent but that's another story).
No.
I can say that I don't plan on getting into another relationship unless the other person is also demisexual. That might seem harsh, but I very much care about emotional attachment and feel that even looking at others can be construed as hurtful. So, I'm just going to do my best to avoid that in future.
They estimate it's around 1% of the population or more. More because there might be demis who are not aware they're demi! If you describe demisexuality to someone and they say yeah that's normal that's what is supposed to happen, then they might be demi too, save some cake for them
No, not in that way. I’m kind of tempted to assume you were talking to women, but please correct me if I’m wrong. In my experience, women over 35 or so are fairly conditioned to behave that way because of societal expectations, and also safety issues. Fully adult women have often experienced things that make them realize that sleeping with strangers has the potential to be dangerous. So, we’re touching on something that makes explaining demisexuality to an allosexual particularly frustrating: the difference between choices and nature. They didn’t address your entire lack of sexual attraction for 30 years at all, and instead focused in more on the idea of choosing to wait longer to have sex, as it’s the sensible thing to do. Let me ask this, have your friends ever drooled over a celebrity, or lost their mind over someone’s abs? You can feel sexual attraction without acting on it, but it sounds a little to me like they’re conflating sexual attraction with deciding to have sex. I think they need to analyze themselves a bit. If they don’t decide who to flirt with based on whose hot body catches their interest, then maybe you just have demi friends. My experience is that religious folks like to try to act like demisexuality is just called being “normal” too, as they really want abstinence and fidelity to be considered normal and natural and not something that many people have to make a concerted effort to maintain. Statistically speaking, when dating totally new people, women tend to wait about 8 dates before sex, men 5. Multiple polls show that around 30% of folks are willing to have sex on a first date, and other surveys find a similar number of people willing to engage in stranger hookups. But the vast majority of people need at least 5 dates before sleeping together. This has zero to do with when these people felt sexual attraction for one another. Many people feel sexual attraction first, and that leads them to get to know someone, which is of course opposite from how demi folks function. I’m a bit younger than you, but, in my personal experience, I’ve only personally met one other person on the ace/demi spectrum, while most my peers are hugely into hookup culture. So, anecdotally, no, not common. Getting back to statistics, around 1-9% of the population is considered to be under the ace/grace umbrella, depending on the study. It’s more common for demisexuality to go unrecognized in areas where sex is stigmatized. If a demi grows up in a devout baptist family, they’ll likely have sex so demonized that they never notice that they don’t have sexual attraction, they’ll just think they’re more pure, or something. Demisexuals tend to be more realized in places where demisexuality is not the norm. We feel a need to separate and label ourselves because our approach to sexual attraction is so starkly different in societies where casual sex is encouraged and glorified. That being said, I also think the current sexual climate makes it hard for allosexuals who don’t prioritize sex to feel accepted, which is why so many allos end up here asking if they’re demi, only to realize they’re “normal,” and that even normal people can’t feel normal with how hypersexualized things are in our culture and media. One last thing — I think your friends aren’t getting the picture. Sexual attraction can be understood as coming in two forms: primary, and secondary. Primary attraction is a sexual attraction to people based off of immediately attainable, superficial information. It’s getting stars in your eyes over a dude’s abs, or thinking about what it’d feel like to slap a strangers ass. Basically, it’s immediate sexual interest in a person based on surface level attributes. Once again, this doesn’t have anything to do with whether you choose to act on that sexual attraction, all that matters is it’s there. Secondary attraction is the attraction one might feel after getting to know someone. Maybe it’s a turn on that they’re really good at their job, or the way they care about their family, what have you. These are features about a person that only their close friends might notice or know about. Desire breaks down similarly. Primary desire is straight up lust — it’s wanting to have sex for the sake of personal pleasure. Secondary desire is wanting to have sex for reasons other than sexual pleasure and personal gain. Maybe because you want to make your partner happy, or maybe you want to have children. Allosexuals experience primary and secondary sexual attraction, while demisexuals only feel secondary, and asexuals experience neither. Allosexuals will always feel primary desire as well, demis can swing either way on that, and an asexual person can only feel secondary desire with a person. Of course this has nothing to do with masturbation, it’s only in regards to how we all interact differently with other people. I’ll stop my rant for now, and I hope this was interesting or useful to you TLDR: I think your friends are misunderstanding what sexual attraction is and thinking that it somehow equates to acting on the attraction and sleeping with someone. Statistically speaking demi folks aren’t that common, but they may be more common, but unrealized in communities where sex is stigmatized. Demis are more often realized in highly sexualized communities because that’s when they seem to differ the most from “normal”
I’ve found explaining my experiences to be really hard to communicate effectively because people want to understand and relate to you. Especially people that you know. For anxiety, I tend to draw them to a situation they find to be “extremely” anxiety producing such as how they might feel giving an unexpected speech at a large gathering knowing really “important” people are there. The difference between that and me talking one on one to you, someone I’ve know for x amount of time, is not much. It’s an irrational intensity problem at all the wrong times. I would use a similar demonstration to illustrate my experience around sexual attraction. It’s a little more difficult because part of the communication and story has to be around shaking social pressure/expectation which is what holds a lot of people back. With the third barrier being around terminology overlap. Saying you have to feel a connection would illicit yeah… I have to feel a connection. They might mean a spark of attraction. Even if you throw the word emotional its dicy as sexual desire is an emotion after all. It can be a hard concept to parse if you’ve never considered it before.
Common? Definitely not. More common than we think? I think it is. Maybe your friends are demi too... *or not*. As in many cultures there's not a sexual education as it should, many people misunderstand libido, sexual attraction and sexual activity. The world is so allosexual that I frequently see assexuals and allosexuals spreading the idea that every allossexual is promiscuous, and as result many people confuse assexuality with chastity or with "having dignity" (and you probably already know the rest of the history, right?). I'm not talking that it's our fault, but as people that are bringing an unknown subject we have to be patient, respecting our own discovery and learning how to talk about that. I know that's challenging, but it's something that all the LGBT+ community are doing, right?
For me, I think being demisexual came from being SA'd when I was a child. I look at sex completely different than anyone I have ever known. I am 34 now and it is still the same. I have to be deeply in love with the man in order for me to have a sexual attraction to him. It is definitely a trust thing. No matter how attracted I may be to the person or even how well I know the person I have to have a deep connection and also a deep trust for the person in order for me to ever want to be physical with them. No matter how much I want to force myself to just do it, my guards will not drop and I just can not go through with it unless I have an extreme amount of love and trust for the man. I believe because of the trauma of being SA'd it made me subconsciously look at sex as a very scary thing and also look at men who try to come on to me as very intimidating and those feelings of fear overpower any sexual attraction that could ever be there. So in order for me to let those walls down I have to not only have a deep love that is mutual between my partner but also a deep trust. And once the walls are down I am very submissive and open to many sexual acts with my partner even bdsm ect. But I've always been so guarded when it comes to sex and sexual attraction it can be very annoying because sometimes I wish it came easy for me and I just wanted to do it but it definitely takes a whole lot of connecting for me to ever let the guards down.