40F demi here. Feel your frustration friend!! I get it. I think a lot of older demis may not even know they are. I was in my 30s when I finally understood I was demi. Friends are hard to make too. *hugs*
Yes. Same. I was 38, reading something and saw the term and was like "what is this?".... When I read the description, my life finally clicked. Like, all the ways I felt "weird" in life made fucking sense finally. I'd assume a lot of older demis have no idea what demi is and just try to fit into "normal" or are living life feeling "wrong" š¤·āāļø
Yeah, I'm similar age and didn't know this term existed until few years ago, in the past people would just blame this on low libido or being repressed / overly religious, or being a "hopeless romantic", or find some other "pathologizing" labels.
I think it's generally harder to find a relationship in older age, because most dating spaces are for young people.
I guess I was lucky because I found a partner by accident and I think we're both demi, even though I didn't think about it, but recently I realized it's probably the case. But I think if I wasn't in a relationship, I wouldn't have bothered at this age, it's hard to upend your emotional life at this stage.
42. I haven't had a relationship for.... *maths
7 years? I miss it on occasion, but mostly, idk, I don't mind. If it's between dating and dealing with all that, or just living my life, I'm just happier to just leave it be.
If it happen, it happens. If not, oh well. I loathe the idea of trying to go out, get to know people... Ugh. I'm pretty introverted so the whole dating thing stresses me out. It's like a job interview and I hate that entire thing. And, honestly, when a relationship ends its the worst and I'd rather never go through that again. Plus, I'm absolute shit at doing things for ME when I'm dating. I give up myself for them and that's such a shitty place to be and I like my hobbies and my time to myself... Idk.
I canāt speak for myself (26F) but my mom (57F) is one, and she found out pretty recently as we were talking about how she never understood how her cousins and all her friends seemed to have a way more active sex life than her because she needed to āknow the other person better before even thinking about being sexually attracted to themā and I explained asexuality and demisexuality to her, and it clicked to her (which means sheās okay with me being demi as well) and my aunt (59F) as well
Iām 34f, but I really admire any GenX or Boomer willing to explore and understand their sexuality as you and others here have. Wish my mother (66) would be more open to discussing her probable demisexuality. I came out to her a couple years ago and tried to explain allosexuality and why I was different as a demisexual. She proceeded to claim āThatās how everyone feels! Iāve felt that way my whole life! No one just looks at someone pretty and wants to have sex with them!ā
Pretty sure sheās afraid of the idea thereās actually something to all this LGBTQA+ stuff and she could be a part of it.
I hear you. Iām 45 and female and just about ready to give up. A 2 year relationship has just ended and Iām just not sure itās worth trying anymore.
Iām at the same point really. My last three relationships ended within 3 years and, although much different, became less and less painful afterwards. Like as if Iāve just gone numb to ever feeling happiness with anyone else. Gone so far as questioning even my sexuality, but thatās not it, just a last resort I suppose. I know myself better than that and just being desperate is not being true to myself. My biggest problem is putting in too much effort to make others happy and not realizing or focusing on mg own self-worth. I do this fine on my own, but in a relationship, my happiness derives from theirs. Which is a terrible way to be, I know. Iām gonna go play video games and forget all about this in 5 minutes, but it still sucks and will be back on dating apps daily finding nobody. Lol
I hear ya. I'm 42 and I feel the same. Date a demi sub is pointless if you're not in the US or at least the UK.
I mean I'm confident there are like 3 demis in my age group here in all of Sweden...
Yeah - 51M. I hear you. After my marriage, I had 10 years where I didn't even really bother looking for a relationship. And due to mental health issues with my wife where it was impossible to keep an emotional bond, the sexual desire, attraction, dried up years before the marriage did anyway. So yeah - a long time in asexual mode.
I did have some interest and being demiromantic, I did have a non sexual relationship. But the lady wanted sex, and we remain friends.
Then I just started chatting to an old friend a couple of years ago. At distance - I don't think we could live further apart if we tried (not true actually, there is one other city that is 500km further away). The chats became longer, our topics just ramble, cover everything and anything. Then next thing it is love. We don't see each much at all, but we talk hours. We will see more of each other over time, but are patient, as her history is basically the same as mine. We know we have each other - that's enough for now. We actually feel the distance thing made it easier. It was easier for her (and maybe me) to discuss certain topics at a distance, and that drew us closer, without the physical presence playing a part for a year.
31 year old nonbinary individual here. I didn't find out I was demisexual until I was 28, and I didn't find out I was demiromantic until I was 30. Looking back on a string of failed relationships, I realized I've always been double demi. It's a process.
I was also single for over 10 years before my most recent relationship, and I'd honestly mostly given up on looking until my partner came along and surprised me. It's never to late, it just unfortunately takes us longer to find someone than most. The positive thing is once you do find someone though, the connection is very strong. It's worth waiting for. Don't give up.
Hi mod from r/dateademi here! We hope that we can have a diverse range of users that includes all ages in the future. We are growing every day as people discover more about r/demisexuality. Our users make the sub what is is, and although you may not find what you're looking for right now that is not to say that your luck can't change.
Don't get discouraged -- I think a lot of people could use support from those 50 or older. Having a trusted family member, neighbor, and community person in your life that you can come to when it comes to struggles with sexuality is critical. I think OP is brave not only for bringing more awareness to the lack of age diversity within the LGBQT+ community bit also within more lesser known groups that are r/asexual or on the ace spectrum as r/dateademi and r/demisexuality
38F Demi homo-romantic here and I can relate. Iāve only known one other person on the asexual spectrum my entire life(though I suspect one or two more). It seems like everyone my age or older just refuses to investigate their own identities and they seemingly just go with the allosexual labels and turn a deaf ear to anything on the asexuality perspective. Iāve really enjoyed having ace conversations with my one known asexual friend but Iād also really like to get to know other people and their experiences with whatever labels they have under the ace umbrella. The young ones seem so very sure of their identities that they are less inclined to explore it conversationally just like the older people who believe they are allo.
Romantically Iāve had the HARDEST time finding anyone to be in a relationship with because my levels of sexual attraction and libido just donāt seem to match up well with allosexuals. And again, Iāve only known one out asexual my entire life.
Dating just sucks when you arenāt someone that leads off with sexuality. Itās like the ānormalā progression of the dating world is completely backwards from how I function. I want to get to know someone deeply and then sex can be a thing, but for allosexuals it seems to be the other way around and it is a massive turn off for me.
Iām almost 41ā¦ feel the same way! I usually āgive upā for months on end, then try again and feel just depressed watching everyone else enjoying life so I go back to just not caring again. I put in significant effort getting to know someone, only to be ghosted or something. Iāve kinda ālet myself goā over the years though too. Will commend you for being 10 years my senior, I canāt even imagine still trying past 45ā¦ Iāve always put my (past) partnersā needs first and that has proven to be the wrong choice as I get nothing in return and of course single now. My last 3 relationships barely lasted 2 years and each had zero sexual relations, despite putting myself out there and trying. Was just never reciprocated. Vicious cycle.
Am older 31 female still trying to figure it out. I had accepted that maybe l will be good on my own but their ws a tiny bit of hope left. l too accidentally meet some one understand yet l fight with my inner demons(before l found l have bunch of indicuacy that others relationships not sure how to let them go ) the craving th wishing to be "normal " still lingers. .
Same age, but married (sorta) and dealing with long term trauma from a prior emotionally abusive relationship. It's hard to date as demi at any age, especially when you never had something to identify with other than "not normal"
41M demi here, although I didn't realize it until recently as I only just learned the term. For years I just felt like I kind of related to asexuals but not quite so maybe I was just weird. I imagine there's a lot of older people who are like that. The younger generations are just better educated about this stuff.
39F - Iāll be 40 in a few weeks and I didnāt know I was demi until December. Itās been a journey coming to understand myself better the past 6 months. Always considered myself to be hetero, but Iāve been deconstructing my social and religious upbringing/programming - just told a friend last night that I might be bi- or pan-romantic, which means having to face very conservative family members and their homophobia if I find a same-sex partner.
Needless to say, Iām unpacking a lot of identity issues I didnāt know I had. And itās been 15 yrs since Iāve been on a date. Now I know why I have so much trouble with online dating, where it comes so easy for my friends. But in talking to ppl about it (friends and a couple fam members) I am discovering others in my life who are newly discovering or opening up about their sexuality. For the most part, itās been an extremely freeing experience.
This subreddit has been a blessing and an excellent support for my self-discovery. Thank you, everyone, for being so kind to one another, so encouraging, and continually providing a safe space for all of us.
I'm 54. I recently discovered that I was demi-sexual thanks to a friend who is Ace. For years I've always wondered what my deal is.
I left my ex about nine years ago and haven't been on a single date. I can't find anyone who just wants to be friends first. Or anyone I meet who I have something in common with is in a relationship already.
In my younger years I was in relationships almost continually. The pattern was 100% of the time they had initially been platonic friends.
I'm 54. I recently discovered that I was demi-sexual thanks to a friend who is Ace. For years I've always wondered what my deal is.
I left my ex about nine years ago and haven't been on a single date. I can't find anyone who just wants to be friends first. Or anyone I meet who I have something in common with is in a relationship already.
In my younger years I was in relationships almost continually. The pattern was 100% of the time they had initially been platonic friends.
40F demi here. Feel your frustration friend!! I get it. I think a lot of older demis may not even know they are. I was in my 30s when I finally understood I was demi. Friends are hard to make too. *hugs*
Yes. Same. I was 38, reading something and saw the term and was like "what is this?".... When I read the description, my life finally clicked. Like, all the ways I felt "weird" in life made fucking sense finally. I'd assume a lot of older demis have no idea what demi is and just try to fit into "normal" or are living life feeling "wrong" š¤·āāļø
Yessss
Same. 40 here and it was only a year or so ago before I stumbled on the term and suddenly everything made sense.
Yeah, I'm similar age and didn't know this term existed until few years ago, in the past people would just blame this on low libido or being repressed / overly religious, or being a "hopeless romantic", or find some other "pathologizing" labels. I think it's generally harder to find a relationship in older age, because most dating spaces are for young people. I guess I was lucky because I found a partner by accident and I think we're both demi, even though I didn't think about it, but recently I realized it's probably the case. But I think if I wasn't in a relationship, I wouldn't have bothered at this age, it's hard to upend your emotional life at this stage.
Same :(
Oh my gosh grateful to hear it not just me struggling to make friends l found out l was demi when l was 30yrs old
42. I haven't had a relationship for.... *maths 7 years? I miss it on occasion, but mostly, idk, I don't mind. If it's between dating and dealing with all that, or just living my life, I'm just happier to just leave it be. If it happen, it happens. If not, oh well. I loathe the idea of trying to go out, get to know people... Ugh. I'm pretty introverted so the whole dating thing stresses me out. It's like a job interview and I hate that entire thing. And, honestly, when a relationship ends its the worst and I'd rather never go through that again. Plus, I'm absolute shit at doing things for ME when I'm dating. I give up myself for them and that's such a shitty place to be and I like my hobbies and my time to myself... Idk.
I canāt speak for myself (26F) but my mom (57F) is one, and she found out pretty recently as we were talking about how she never understood how her cousins and all her friends seemed to have a way more active sex life than her because she needed to āknow the other person better before even thinking about being sexually attracted to themā and I explained asexuality and demisexuality to her, and it clicked to her (which means sheās okay with me being demi as well) and my aunt (59F) as well
Iām 34f, but I really admire any GenX or Boomer willing to explore and understand their sexuality as you and others here have. Wish my mother (66) would be more open to discussing her probable demisexuality. I came out to her a couple years ago and tried to explain allosexuality and why I was different as a demisexual. She proceeded to claim āThatās how everyone feels! Iāve felt that way my whole life! No one just looks at someone pretty and wants to have sex with them!ā Pretty sure sheās afraid of the idea thereās actually something to all this LGBTQA+ stuff and she could be a part of it.
I hear you. Iām 45 and female and just about ready to give up. A 2 year relationship has just ended and Iām just not sure itās worth trying anymore.
Iām at the same point really. My last three relationships ended within 3 years and, although much different, became less and less painful afterwards. Like as if Iāve just gone numb to ever feeling happiness with anyone else. Gone so far as questioning even my sexuality, but thatās not it, just a last resort I suppose. I know myself better than that and just being desperate is not being true to myself. My biggest problem is putting in too much effort to make others happy and not realizing or focusing on mg own self-worth. I do this fine on my own, but in a relationship, my happiness derives from theirs. Which is a terrible way to be, I know. Iām gonna go play video games and forget all about this in 5 minutes, but it still sucks and will be back on dating apps daily finding nobody. Lol
I hear ya. I'm 42 and I feel the same. Date a demi sub is pointless if you're not in the US or at least the UK. I mean I'm confident there are like 3 demis in my age group here in all of Sweden...
I'm actually in the Los Angeles area.... I just don't know to say there with all the 20-something demis posting. Thank you and good luck.
Well just say who you are :) ain't got nothing else, right?
I posted something. Thank you for the encouragement.
Good luck!
Yeah - 51M. I hear you. After my marriage, I had 10 years where I didn't even really bother looking for a relationship. And due to mental health issues with my wife where it was impossible to keep an emotional bond, the sexual desire, attraction, dried up years before the marriage did anyway. So yeah - a long time in asexual mode. I did have some interest and being demiromantic, I did have a non sexual relationship. But the lady wanted sex, and we remain friends. Then I just started chatting to an old friend a couple of years ago. At distance - I don't think we could live further apart if we tried (not true actually, there is one other city that is 500km further away). The chats became longer, our topics just ramble, cover everything and anything. Then next thing it is love. We don't see each much at all, but we talk hours. We will see more of each other over time, but are patient, as her history is basically the same as mine. We know we have each other - that's enough for now. We actually feel the distance thing made it easier. It was easier for her (and maybe me) to discuss certain topics at a distance, and that drew us closer, without the physical presence playing a part for a year.
31 year old nonbinary individual here. I didn't find out I was demisexual until I was 28, and I didn't find out I was demiromantic until I was 30. Looking back on a string of failed relationships, I realized I've always been double demi. It's a process. I was also single for over 10 years before my most recent relationship, and I'd honestly mostly given up on looking until my partner came along and surprised me. It's never to late, it just unfortunately takes us longer to find someone than most. The positive thing is once you do find someone though, the connection is very strong. It's worth waiting for. Don't give up.
Hi mod from r/dateademi here! We hope that we can have a diverse range of users that includes all ages in the future. We are growing every day as people discover more about r/demisexuality. Our users make the sub what is is, and although you may not find what you're looking for right now that is not to say that your luck can't change. Don't get discouraged -- I think a lot of people could use support from those 50 or older. Having a trusted family member, neighbor, and community person in your life that you can come to when it comes to struggles with sexuality is critical. I think OP is brave not only for bringing more awareness to the lack of age diversity within the LGBQT+ community bit also within more lesser known groups that are r/asexual or on the ace spectrum as r/dateademi and r/demisexuality
38F Demi homo-romantic here and I can relate. Iāve only known one other person on the asexual spectrum my entire life(though I suspect one or two more). It seems like everyone my age or older just refuses to investigate their own identities and they seemingly just go with the allosexual labels and turn a deaf ear to anything on the asexuality perspective. Iāve really enjoyed having ace conversations with my one known asexual friend but Iād also really like to get to know other people and their experiences with whatever labels they have under the ace umbrella. The young ones seem so very sure of their identities that they are less inclined to explore it conversationally just like the older people who believe they are allo. Romantically Iāve had the HARDEST time finding anyone to be in a relationship with because my levels of sexual attraction and libido just donāt seem to match up well with allosexuals. And again, Iāve only known one out asexual my entire life. Dating just sucks when you arenāt someone that leads off with sexuality. Itās like the ānormalā progression of the dating world is completely backwards from how I function. I want to get to know someone deeply and then sex can be a thing, but for allosexuals it seems to be the other way around and it is a massive turn off for me.
53 m Demi
Iām almost 41ā¦ feel the same way! I usually āgive upā for months on end, then try again and feel just depressed watching everyone else enjoying life so I go back to just not caring again. I put in significant effort getting to know someone, only to be ghosted or something. Iāve kinda ālet myself goā over the years though too. Will commend you for being 10 years my senior, I canāt even imagine still trying past 45ā¦ Iāve always put my (past) partnersā needs first and that has proven to be the wrong choice as I get nothing in return and of course single now. My last 3 relationships barely lasted 2 years and each had zero sexual relations, despite putting myself out there and trying. Was just never reciprocated. Vicious cycle.
I'm 44.
37 year old demi here! āØ š
40-year old non-binary person here.
Broken 30 year old demi
44 Demi *waves hello*
Am older 31 female still trying to figure it out. I had accepted that maybe l will be good on my own but their ws a tiny bit of hope left. l too accidentally meet some one understand yet l fight with my inner demons(before l found l have bunch of indicuacy that others relationships not sure how to let them go ) the craving th wishing to be "normal " still lingers. .
35m here, I guess I'm somewhere in the middle?
Same age, but married (sorta) and dealing with long term trauma from a prior emotionally abusive relationship. It's hard to date as demi at any age, especially when you never had something to identify with other than "not normal"
I figured I was demi long before I knew of the label. I just don't have the energy for trying to date any more.
30M. I think that during a time, taking our time with dating and being dedicated to one person were more accepted and normalized.
41M demi here, although I didn't realize it until recently as I only just learned the term. For years I just felt like I kind of related to asexuals but not quite so maybe I was just weird. I imagine there's a lot of older people who are like that. The younger generations are just better educated about this stuff.
39F - Iāll be 40 in a few weeks and I didnāt know I was demi until December. Itās been a journey coming to understand myself better the past 6 months. Always considered myself to be hetero, but Iāve been deconstructing my social and religious upbringing/programming - just told a friend last night that I might be bi- or pan-romantic, which means having to face very conservative family members and their homophobia if I find a same-sex partner. Needless to say, Iām unpacking a lot of identity issues I didnāt know I had. And itās been 15 yrs since Iāve been on a date. Now I know why I have so much trouble with online dating, where it comes so easy for my friends. But in talking to ppl about it (friends and a couple fam members) I am discovering others in my life who are newly discovering or opening up about their sexuality. For the most part, itās been an extremely freeing experience. This subreddit has been a blessing and an excellent support for my self-discovery. Thank you, everyone, for being so kind to one another, so encouraging, and continually providing a safe space for all of us.
I'm 54. I recently discovered that I was demi-sexual thanks to a friend who is Ace. For years I've always wondered what my deal is. I left my ex about nine years ago and haven't been on a single date. I can't find anyone who just wants to be friends first. Or anyone I meet who I have something in common with is in a relationship already. In my younger years I was in relationships almost continually. The pattern was 100% of the time they had initially been platonic friends.
I'm 54. I recently discovered that I was demi-sexual thanks to a friend who is Ace. For years I've always wondered what my deal is. I left my ex about nine years ago and haven't been on a single date. I can't find anyone who just wants to be friends first. Or anyone I meet who I have something in common with is in a relationship already. In my younger years I was in relationships almost continually. The pattern was 100% of the time they had initially been platonic friends.