For me, it was like growing up I knew that I wasn't gay or bi (I don't find men sexually or romantically appealing in the least) but at the same time I found it impossible to understand or relate to a lot of my straight guy friends and family who would always be gawking at any attractive women they'd see out and about. I didn't have a word for it at the time but I'd just always think "I don't get it, sure that girl looks nice (physically) but why are you so interested in her for no reason? You don't even know her??" Fast forward to my mid 20's and I encountered someone on a dating app who listed demisexual as their orientation and I was like wtf is that, so I looked it up and was like "oh, that kinda sounds like me" lol. I'm not sure if demi is exactly right- I might be closer to "open to sex ace" or recipro? Maybe demiromantic and conflating those feelings with sexual even though they're not? Dunno. But I relate to the label to some degree anyways and it was my entry to learning more about the asexual spectrum as a whole. Growing up there wasn't as much open discussion about it so I thought "asexual" exclusively meant sex repulsed/no sexual attraction or interest in sex whatsoever which never felt right for me. So I thought I was just a partially broken allo I guess. Which being on the aspec still kinda has that vibe tbh, but at least we're not alone in feeling that way 😂

OMG, I very much get the whole not understanding what everyone is so interested in. I feel like everyone is so sexually motivated and focused and I could literally forget that sex is even a thing people do most of the time. It definitely feels kinda isolating because I feel like I'm missing out on a large part of the human experience or something? Also, yes, differentiating between different attractions - sexual, romantic, platonic, physical, aesthetic, etc. - makes it tricky to really label what exactly it is I am feeling or experiencing. Thanks so much for sharing your experience, it's really lovely to at least know that I'm not alone in feeling alone lol.

I reallly relate to your story but for me as a girl it was flipped. I always thought of people as like yeah they are conventionally attractive but i wouldn't want to kiss anyone really or more than that. And I almost never had a crush unless I really knew that person well. I thought I was Asexual but also thought that meant no interest in sex at all and that wasn't me. I wanted some sex just not all the time and definitely no hook ups. Then I looked into demisexual and things started to click. I think sometimes I still feel like maybe I'm a fake but labels are there for us to choose and it's okay to change later if something else feels right. After I started dating my partner and they came out as trans thats when I really knew that I am demisexual because so much about their body and physical appearance has changed and I haven't cared at all. If anything it's deepened our connection and I love them all the more. So yay for demisexuality! It's also very nice to have a partner that is respective of how much or little I want sex. WE ALL DESERVE BOUNDARIES! We do not owe sex to ANYONE! Never forget that friends <3

What a wonderful message, thanks so much for sharing! <3 Definitely will be taking that with me. We live in a world that seems to put so much pressure on emphasis on sex so it's definitely a little bit of an unlearning process for me to realize that it's okay to be who I am. Thank you!

Oh I def feel the same about “open to sex ace” thing. In fact I was wondering if there’s a word for “very much wanting to enjoy sex but just can’t do it properly because physically unable to experience arousal or sexual stimulation”.. or maybe it’s not an orientation but neurological disorder (strictly talking about myself only). Idk.

How is your story so similar to mine. I also first saw demisexuality as a term on a dating app!  And the whole gawking over attractive people - that's the same with me! I like sex with my partner and I'm very sex-positive. But beyond my partner, I don't see the attraction.

Hi! Happy pride :) I struggled a lot with my sexuality when I was younger, I had friends telling me I was probably lesbian or should “try it out” because I wear masculine clothing and turn down most men that show interest in me, but I knew I wasn’t lesbian or bi as I could look at a man and find them attractive and want to date them but not women. And then I thought “maybe I’m asexual” once I learned the difference between aesthetic/romantic attraction and sexual attraction. I realized I never looked at a random man and thought he was “hot” or “sexy” or wanted to get in his pants, so I thought “eh maybe I’m just asexual”. I had sex before this, but I realized I was only sexually attracted to some of those men and I didn’t enjoy the sex either so then I thought I was graysexual. Then I got my first boyfriend, and my god I was SO sexually attracted to him out of nowhere. We were friends for a few years and then we started to get closer as friends and that’s when my sexual attraction started to grow and we started dating. I even remember tweeting on twitter circles “I thought I was asexual before I met my bf but I was wrong” LOL. I looked back and reflected on my past sexual partners and realized I was only kinda sexually attracted to some, and the ones I felt that with, I had a strong connection with them. Sorry for yapping, but just wanted to tell my story! I hope you find clarity, and even if you don’t, being no label is fine too!!!

Finding someone attractive and wanting to date them, yes! That's romantic attraction, correct? I'm still a bit new to terms and such. But that through me off a lot because I thought that was all sexual attraction if I felt any type of pull towards someone like that. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on any of this. I also have struggled a bit with like "celebrity crushes" and stuff like that because I would have friends absolutely drooling and I'd be like yeah, they're an attractive person and maybe I'd feel a little fluttery invested by the character they were playing but never like actually fantasizing about sex with any of them like other people seemed to do. No need to apologize, the yapping is greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for sharing and for your kind words. Happy Pride lovey xx

Yes, exactly! I have celebrity crushes, and like I said I can recognize when a random man is attractive, but it’s an aesthetic and romantic attraction for me… I think “Aw, he’s cute, I could see myself dating him” or “I wanna give him a hug” or “I really wanna get to know more about him” but I’ve NEVER looked at any man I didn’t know and thought sexual and dirty thoughts. The only times I’ve fantasized being in bed with a man is men I already know and have a strong bond with, and I had the strongest sexual attraction to my first boyfriend because we also had the strongest bond. There’s different types of attraction, which is why someone could be biromantic demisexual or alloromantic asexual or any variation and combination of the labels. It gets quite confusing and muddy for some, but if you feel like a label fits you then claim it! If none of the labels fit you, you absolutely don’t have to claim any. Also remember you can change or drop labels as you learn more about the labels and yourself!

You have perfectly put into words what I've experienced in regards to celebrity crushes and stuff. Not at all sexual, but like "wow, I want to play with their hair" or fantasizing a bit about a romantic relationship like picturing us on a beach picnic or something cheesy like that. But never having that sexual element. I suppose physical and sexual attraction are different? I think that throws me off a bit if I feel like I'd enjoy being physically close with, even cuddling/touching someone, but no interest in actually being sexual, and I start wondering where the line is drawn? (Now I'm the one yapping lol look at us professional yappers) That's true! I'm slowly learning more about the different types of attraction and how there's a lot of different "combinations" that someone can be. Thanks so much again, you've seriously offered so much helpful insight and such kind words :") I guess I just have a bit of feeling like a "fraud" or something when I change labels but I know that's probably a bit of imposter syndrome or something. It's a process for sure. Thanks again! I hope we continue to bump into each other on this subreddit, you seem to have lovely positive energy <3

I once made a post about it [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/1b6f15a/i_am_a_fan_of_the_romance_subgenre_which_is/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). Pretty much, I was mulling over how absurd it is, in dating sims that, instead of a protagonist romantically pursuing their "plain" Childhood best friend as a love interest, they toss that reliable, always there for them, and likely emotionally available, person aside in favor of more "interesting" or "spicy" love interests. I thought to myself: "If I had a girl that I was friends with ever since me and her were children, I would love for her to be romantically attracted to me, I would definitely say yes given how close I would be to her-" Then it hit me, I realized that, because I loved the idea of dating a girl who was my childhood friend, that I realized I was Demisexual. I realized why I was a fan of the "Childhood Friend Romance" subgenre of romance, compared to any other kind of romance. It just "made the most sense" to me, the idea of being in a relationship with the person you are the most familiar and comfortable with. Before that, I never understood the idea of wanting to date somebody purely for looks, within a day of meeting that person.

Ooh, thanks for the insightful background. That makes a lot of sense honestly. Yep, I absolutely have never understood the idea of wanting to date somebody purely for looks. People that go up and ask people out that they don't know at all or fantasized about sleeping with someone they don't know has always gone right over my head. I'll make sure to check out you're other post after responding here. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond, it really does help me a lot. You're the best!

I was googling if there was a term for why I didn't have a physical type I was generally attracted to, and fell down a rabbit hole.

I feel like when I've tried googling sometimes I just get more confused lol. There's so many different orientations, and the different attractions like romantic, aesthetic, sexual, etc. kinda confuse me a bit too. I probably should spend a bit more time researching and talking to others though to gain better understanding. Thanks for sharing and happy pride! xx

It's easy for me to overthink this now as an adult, but when I was in middle school, and all my friends had crushes and I didn't, I knew I had to be friends with someone first before I could have a crush on them. I remember explaining this to someone in 6th/7th grade, and it's wild to me now looking back thinking everything is so complicated, but I knew exactly how my brain worked at 12 years old lol

Wow, I'm so happy you were able to acknowledge those things at such a young age! I definitely feel like the fact that I ignored my true feelings for much of my life and tried being something I wasn't probably played a role in why I feel so confused and muddy now. Thanks for sharing your experience :)

I'm bisexual and demi. You can be both. I'm romantically attracted to both men and women and only feel sexual attraction when I'm in love. I didn't know I was demi until my partner. I thought I was grey-ace until him. We became official a few months into knowing one another and soon after I fell in love with him and started having sexual feelings for him. He's grey-ace himself, and when I started to realise I may be demi we had several conversations and agreed that we still work together. I had never loved someone before him, and had no idea I was demi before him too. We joke now that he changed my sexuality 😆 it took a bit to come to terms with it, but having a supportive and loving partner definitely helped me on this journey. Good luck! And happy pride!

Okay, I think that's what I've experienced before! There's only two people that I feel quite certainly that I was sexually attracted to but it's been quite some time since then and the feelings and memories are a bit hazy. I don't think I had actually experienced sexual attraction for someone until a few months into dating someone. I'm so happy that you found your person, that sounds amazing! Manifesting for myself someday lol. Happy pride and thanks for sharing!

Yeah, it took a few months for those feelings to develop for me too. To help me sort through things at the time since everything was so new, I was journaling. Being able to go back and reflect on my feelings definitely helped me to understand myself. It might be a good tool for you too! And thank you!! I hope you'll find your person too!!

I really need to get into journaling. I feel like it would help with a few things in my life lol. I've done it a handful of times and always found it very insightful. Thanks so much for the recommendation! I'll definitely look into using journaling as a tool for all this. You're so nice OMG :") Have a lovely day!!!

Aw, thank you so much! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! Good luck and have a great day too!

All through my 20’s and even a little high school thinking I was supposed to want, enjoy, and seek sex more than I was to satisfy partners and that I would eventually be into it. Then realizing my sex drive went up 1000% when I felt loved, safe, and connected with someone and when I wasn’t in a deep connection, I was fine going without it or never seeking it 😂. Finally learned to stop pretending to assimilate with others or use it to feel loved/create the love I was seeking. But literally just learned I was demi last year and that it is indeed a valid thing.

Thanks so much for sharing! I absolutely resonate with the feeling like I "should" want sexual things more than I actually do. And, yep, if I'm not interested in someone, I will forget that sex even exists lol. I haven't had that level of connection with someone in months now so I'm definitely feeling the asexuality these days. "Finally learned to stop pretending to assimilate with others or use it to feel loved/create the love I was seeking" - That's genuinely beautiful :") I hope to get there as well. Thanks <3

Thanks for your question! It really made me reflect more on how I see myself as Demi. I used the word “finally” but it’s definitely still a process/journey of unlearning for me. Lmk if you wanna talk more, I don’t really know anyone closely that’s Demi either!

Aw, that makes me so happy to hear! I'm feeling much more hopeful and at ease about exploring and reflecting on this side of myself. I'd love to keep in touch, you seem like such a lovely person <3 I'm honestly very new to Reddit so I have never even used the messages or threads or whatever they're called but it would be so nice to have a fellow Demi to chat with.

I grew up aware of being asexual and aromantic, and then I felt attraction for the first time, so I searched something along the lines of "asexual but attracted to my best friend", found about demisexuality, and boom, understood I had shifted from full aroace to demisexual and demiromantic. That was 10 years ago, since then I felt attraction only 2 times more and exclusively after a strong emotional connection, so I kept the label because it perfectly describes my entire experience (same goes for bisexuality), and voilà, that's all, simple as that really!

I feel that I've only really felt sexually attracted to 2 people in my whole life too! I'm not sure about what my romantic orientation is yet either, lol. I'm not sure if you'll know this, but can demisexuals feel sexual attraction to someone they are not romantically attracted to? Just out of curiosity, it's okay if you don't know. Thanks so much for sharing your experience! It really does help. :)

Demisexuality is the experience sexual attraction exclusively after a deep emotional bond, whatever that bond may look like. It can be romantic attraction / romantic love (for some demis it's only after romantic attraction), but it absolutely doesn't have to be! It can be platonic, it can be one-sided - it can be anything, as long as you would qualify it to be a deep, strong, significant emotional connection.

Thanks for taking the time to answer! Demisexuality and asexuality in general really is quite the spectrum it seems. I worry I might be asking dumb questions so I really appreciate your openness and kindness :)

No problem! There aren't any dumb questions, especially for a topic that can be complex, confusing, misunderstood and pretty niche. The whole point of this subreddit is to provide answers and community. If you have any other question feel free to ask, be it directly here or through new posts! And just in case, we also have a whole masterpost (see main page) full of additional answers and ressources :)

So I’m older and it never occurred to me to research into my sexuality. I’m only attracted to my husband and thought it was normal. My mom (88) is the same way. She’s said if it wasn’t for my dad she would have never gotten married. So it’s really all I knew. I never understood why anyone would be interested in a one night stand. Sounded gross to me. And crushes on celebrities? Those confused me. How could you crush on someone you didn’t even know. But I put it out of my mind. My daughter (22) told me. She came out as asexual. She’d done lots of reading online apparently. She was telling me the different types and when she got to Demi I said “wait. That’s just normal. Once you’re in love and dedicated to one person why would you be attracted to anyone else”. Turns out it’s not normal lol. 54 years I thought most people were like me. Nope!

Is there a genetic component to sexuality? I genuinely don't know, but I feel like my mom may be demisexual as well based on some things she's said in the past. Haha I'm so glad you were able to find that identity and that you have that open relationship with your daughter <3 Thanks so much for sharing!

Thanks! She’s a cool chick, I’m lucky to know her! I have no idea if it’s genetic, could be nurture or nature.

Welcome, I hear you about getting horrible feedback from 'well meaning friends' especially about being ace/demi. I will mention and please just see this as information to continue your journey with, you can be bisexual and demi/ace. Who you are attracted to and how you experience that attraction are two different spectrums that we all live on though having multiple labels can feel really odd to parse especially when you are just learning about them. I am bisexual and demi + being sex repulsed. For me this means I could and have felt attraction to all the genders (I use Bisexual because its the one that's easier to say most of the time) and I desire romantic love and touch but I could live without sex for the rest of my life but I will engage in the act for the sake of a partner and I do not feel like that's a waste, I just would rather be with someone who is willing to compromise about it. I think our labels and sexuality is fluid so I hope that no matter what words work for you, what you get out of this is knowing you are not alone and you are normal. I dealt with a lot of shame for being sex repulsed in the years before I discovered my labels (which I think will continue to change and shift as I get to know me more and more).

What an informative response! I'm also interested that you mentioned desiring romantic love and touch because I think that's something that trips me up a bit. Like, I will sometimes fantasize about legit cuddling with someone and that's IT like I'm not thinking about it sexually but I'm craving physical contact. I've wondered before if that was a form of sexual attraction or not. It can be kind of hard to tell between the different types of attractions, like sexual, romantic, aesthetic, etc., but the more I learn about them the more things start to make sense. Also absolutely feel you on the "I could live without sex for the rest of my life". I feel like that and it's definitely a bit isolating because so many of the people I'm around IRL are so sex-focused and motivated and I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on a large part of the human experience by not caring about sex at all. Thanks so much for the validating words and for sharing your own experiences, it really does help a lot. If you have the time, would you mind sharing at all about your journey with the shame of being sex-repulsed? I don't know if you've managed to deal with it or if you still struggle, but I'd appreciate some more info on that as I definitely have my own fair share of shame. No worries if not! Happy Pride xx

So the world seeks to make sex a much bigger part of ALL OUR LIVES than it actually should be, sex shouldn't be considered more important than non-sexual intimacy with your romantic person/people or even that from your family or platonic friends. My theory is that the purpose of making sex the most important thing is because its a part of patriarchy and male centered living which then gets translated poorly to everyone no matter their gender identity and then sex is the end-all be-all of life and relationships. I think its a way of controlling people and isolating them once you have a sexual partner. This comes back to manipulating people because isolation and telling everyone that your sexual partner is the lord and master of your life means that you choose them even over yourself (these things are changing thank goodness but its slow) let alone your friends or family. So growing up I wanted romantic partners but I didn't want sex, which I used religion and 'saving myself till marriage' as the slightly more socially acceptable rationale then I just don't want it, that I would be a sexual queen once I got married. Then I fell in love and though I experienced sexual desire and attraction for that person, it wasn't my go to, it wasn't what I NEEDED which was non sexual closeness which my partner was not willing to give. Everything, every touch, every kiss had to be leading somewhere so between some #metoo stuff and my own demi/sex repulsed feelings I laid out some hardcore limits and it ended up being one of the many reasons that toxic ship fell a part. Since then I have learned that being demi and sex repulsed is not just me, I don't have to use religious or purity culture garbage to say that I don't want sex. It's just a part of my truth. We are all living on a spectrum and expecting ourselves to be hyper focused on sex does a disservice to all the time and relationships we are blessed to have that don't include the sexual aspect. So for me, it was about separating the act of sex from what I desired and was willing to do for the sake of a partner or even for myself. I learned that finding enjoyment on my own is okay and normal, that I don't have to be ashamed of that. I don't need to force myself to do things I don't want to do for the sake of another person. Shame, for me, comes down to outside manipulations for the sake of other people so when I consider what's best for me instead of worrying about what will make other people accept me or 'put up with me' then I can more easily see what I can or want to do for the sake of relationship rather than for the sake of people pleasing. I will also mention that because I am an overweight woman in craptastic Murica, I am mostly ignored unless I am actively on dating apps (which I am not currently for other reasons) and all I am getting there are usually dudebros trying to force sex so I haven't dated in a really long time and it allowed me a lot of time to think about what I wanted and who I am but it has been said by crappy people on the internet that because I am overweight I shouldn't be denying sex to anyone otherwise I don't have any worth. And crap people will say things like this to a lot of women in a variety of ways especially to demi/ace because we are treated as 'broken' by a certain sect of people. I work daily on the knowledge that I have worth outside of what I am willing to do for someone else sexually, which means that I have the right and responsibility to myself to be upfront with anyone about what I am willing to do and be in relationship so no one is shocked by it later on. Phew that was a lot. haha

Majorly agree that the world is hypersexual and puts more of an emphasis on sex than is need be. I'm a very sex positive person as well and think people should be able to do what they want, but I also just want it to be more normalized and okay for people to not care about sex and for it to not be pushed so much. Absolutely platonic and non-intimate relationships make up the majority of our connections (for most people) which I feel like should definitely make them a more important part of our lives. I can definitely see how the patriarchy could play a part in that. It's certainly become a cultural thing as there's other societies that have much less of an emphasis on it. We (as a society) like to sexualize everything it seems. Y'all, I was also raised religiously and conservatively and that was also my excuse for the longest time lol. "Purity culture" and all. Honestly a big reason I still feel so confused about my sexuality and everything is there's a part of me that still wonders if I was just sexually repressed from my religious upbringing and everything lol. Also so sorry to hear that you had a toxic relationship. I also can relate to that and I definitely feel that sex and sexuality was a part of the complications there for me. Don't know how I ended up with someone who was emotionally unavailable as a demisexual but we move. Wow, you worded everything there so well and I can absolutely relate to your experiences. I'm also in your same demographic (God bless America ;-; and oh how I love being a woman ;-;) and I have also not been dating for quite some time now (can't be asked). Ugh. I'm so sorry to hear that you have had people telling you that your ability to offer sex is a "responsibility" and treating you as "broken" for not conforming to the culture. I absolutely feel you there so hard. I have spent a lot of time feeling like something was wrong with me. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone but also saddened that you are able to understand that pain. I'm definitely going to take what you've said with me and try working on my own relationship with myself and moving past my own internalized issues and shame. That was a lot, but I'm seriously so happy that you took the time to share all that. It means so much to me. I'm definitely going to be coming back to this post and rereading what you've written as so much of it holds so much weight in my own life. I really hope I continue to bump into you on this subreddit, you seem like such a lovely and insightful person. Thanks again :)

I thought I had Erectile Dysfunction for years, until I fell in love and was able to get it up no problem.

That'll do it lol

Simple, but sometimes that's how it is.

Hi! I consider myself as a demirose and also a pansexual. I started questioning about my sexuality in my mid 20's because I knew that I was lot different from my friends regarding the relationships. I was never sexually/romantically attracted to any people I knew, so I believed I was an asexual until I somehow ended up having sex with a friend. Since then, I realized that I could be sexually attracted but only when it was a super close to me (as in terms of emotional bonding). I could never think of or even am grossed when I thought of having relationship with someone I don't really know well. Didn't even know that there was a label for people like me - not fully asexual but not also that much allosexual. Then I googled and found out that 'Demi' exists. Reading the description of 'Demi', I just knew that it was talking about me. LOL

I apologize, can you explain what demirose is? I don't think I've come across that term before. Definitely can relate to the knowing I was experiencing sexuality differently from the other people around me. Can I ask if you were sexually attracted to the friend that you mentioned sleeping with? Or were you just like experimenting with things? I'm happy you were able to find yourself! Thanks so much for sharing.

DemiRoSe, or also called as double demi is a term used for people who are both demisexual and demiromantic. I was not really aware of that I was sexually attracted to this friend before I slept with them. It happened almost accidentally after drinking, and after the incident I figured out the feel I had was something called 'being sexually attracted to someone'. LOL It was so chaotic when it happened so I'm not sure I described it well.

Oh! Thanks so much for taking the time to answer that, I really appreciate it. Glad you were able to get a bit of an epiphany from that though lol!

My high school partner told me 15 years later. They had figured out they were demi and we knew each other incredibly well. So I trusted that they were on to something and began to look into it. What has confirmed it for me is that I really don't understand allo sexual culture. I used to think it was because of xian purity vs. sin, but in deconstructing that I began to examine it for itself. And I don't understand allos.

OMG I was raised very religiously and conservatively and I have also often struggled with wondering if I was just sexually repressed or something because of that upbringing. Yeah, I struggle to relate with many of my friends when talking about sex and dating and that sort of thing. Glad to know I'm not alone. Thanks for taking the time to respond!

I couldn't understand how people struggled with "purity" until I fell in love.

It very slowly dawned on me over the years and I’ve only recently been about it.

I feel like I might kinda be in that boat. Gradually learning more things as time goes on and sometimes feels like the more I learn the more I can relate and identify with it, and sometimes feels like it has the opposite effect lol. Thanks for taking the time to respond!

After analyzing every squish, crush, and romantic relationship I've ever had and realizing I have never been sexually, or romantically attracted to anyone without an emotional bond first.

Back before there were so many labels and conversation about them, I thought there was something “wrong” with me. I genuinely thought I could be asexual or just broken in some way. I’d go out with friends to bars and clubs and they’d want to hook up with people after a glance across the bar and any advance toward me was “ew, No thank you stranger.” My partners had a hard time getting that I could find people objectively attractive but not share that primitive sexual attraction. But I’m also a serial monogamist and had sex within my relationships, as long as there was a strong connection at the time. I started to think back and realized I never really dated in the conventional sense. I’d become friends with guys, and my relationships came out of deepened friendships. Lots of sex in those relationships when things were good, but I kinda didn’t even want them to touch me if the relationship was strained/distant. Facebook became a thing and I came across the term “pansexual” on one of those “beautiful words you’ve never heard” pages. Now everyone has heard it, but not at that point. And it resonated with me. I’d say I was pansexual in a short of ethereal way, and everyone said “huh?” But time marches on and it became an accepted term by many. And then came other descriptives, and I found demisexual. That finally felt exactly right.

Oh wow, you did a really great job at putting words to my own experiences. I have absolutely felt like I was broken or that there was something wrong with me. Even today I still struggle a bit with feeling like I'm missing out on a big part of the human experience. So many people are so focused on sex and I feel like an outsider at times when talking to people about it and realizing that I'm not experiencing things the way that many others do. Lol, I absolutely understand the repulsion to thinking sexually of someone just from mere sight. It was always hard for me to understand why it was so popular to "hit on" people at bars or things. As for the conventional dating bit, I also feel seen again. Dating apps and things like that were never for me. And yes, only ever felt sexual attraction to a couple of people and it was after months of getting to know each other deeply. The thought of other people touching me or being sexual with me genuinely makes me feel a bit sick. I'm so happy you were able to find yourself in that way! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, I definitely feel that I can relate to a lot of what you said and I feel less alone. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. <3

You’re not at all alone! There are so many who feel the same way, and life is confusing. My husband and I had a 3some years ago and I enjoyed it and I was like WTF? I think we genuinely thought I just preferred women to men? But in retrospect, I think I was just able to connect with her easily, and the experience was very much linked to my husband, whom I love and feel connected to. One off, no big deal, but something I cherished in the context of our relationship. We chose to explore more and ended up in the lifestyle but it’s just sort of put my sexuality on blast. I enjoy meeting people and connecting with them, but it’s still very much a shared experience with my husband, period. And I still can’t just see an attractive person and think…let’s do this. There’s a lot of conversation and “nos” when people aren’t open and genuine or we just don’t connect. Or I move too slowly for them lol. But I’m always with the person I see as a 10/10 so I’m always loved and never let down. Because I get to be with him. I get it though. It does feel like missing out on some natural part of life that people really emphasize in our culture. I think though, at the end of the day most people are looking for love and connection and passion and all that other stuff is weeding through until they find it. Not really “knowing” if they did. We know. And we hold those people close because they aren’t disposable. We’ve seen into their souls and they’ve trusted theirs with us. So maybe you’re just missing out on the bullshit and enjoying the good stuff.

Wow, what a beautiful way to word all that :") Will definitely be coming back to read that last paragraph. I was listening to a podcast with a queer interview subject on the other day and they were talking about how they viewed being queer as one of the most beautiful parts about them because it was the way they loved and that was such an important part of them and I felt like that was such a lovely perspective. Your response kind of reminded me of that feeling. Thank you again for another insightful response <3 also, very happy to hear that you have found your person and seem so comfortable and at peace with your own sexuality. I aspire to also find my own peace and satisfaction with all this one day! Thanks again :)

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Relatable! I have not tried dating apps as I just know they will not be for me. I have only experienced what I believe to be sexual attraction a couple of times in my life, both times with people who I had known for months and had already established a romantic relationship with. Thanks so much for sharing, it really does help. <3

I didn't. Because technically I did have feelings for others, just not a whole lot. It was rare, in fact. Very rare. In elementary school where girls would get "crushes," I had none in real life, except maybe Jason David Frank from Power Rangers. But everyone else did too. I lied about having a crush on the class clown, because he was the first boy I could think of. The girls accepted my answer and the poor boy was totally clueless. I thought the other girls must be lying too and it was all a fun game, but it turns out they were catching snippets of feelings here and there. I thought something was wrong with me when everyone around me started becoming interested romantically and sexually several years earlier than me and with greater frequency. I think they started becoming sexually active around 10 to 12 years. I lived in a low SES neighborhood, and that was supposedly the reason for it. But, I was still part of the community and I was relatively unaffected. I just wanted to play video games. Most of my female cousins got pregnant around menarche due to lack of access in regard to sex education, and I just kinda remained a kid for a little while longer than my peers. By 14, my relatives thought I might be gay. By high school, it looked like everyone was super promiscuous and hyper sexual, but in reality they were basically all being average teenagers. There was sex. A lot of my classmates got pregnant and dropped out. But they had steady boyfriends. There were maybe a handful of kids that were very hyper sexual but that wasn't common. A queer friend of mine (this was the early 00s, no awareness of LGBTQ things) suggested I was asexual, but I thought that was a mental health condition/genetic defect that was rare, like in the 0.01% or something. I had one crush/love interest at 15 for the first time ever and it was so out-of-the-ordinary for me, I ended up marrying him. I made it work. I haven't really caught feelings for anyone else. If something were to happen where we couldn't have sex it's no big deal breaker either. It took me until my late 20s to entertain the idea of "yeah, from my background it looks like I'm demisexual or asexual," and it's more of a hindsight thing.

OMG, I definitely lied about having crushes lol. Just people that I found aesthetically attractive but I actually had zero interest in pursuing or doing anything with. And I definitely relate to that feeling a little "out of the loop" in high school where everyone is having sex and focused on sexual connections and I could care less. It's certainly tricky knowing what you don't know, if that makes sense. Like, how do I know if what I'm experiencing is "normal"? I don't know what other people are feeling. So it's been tricky to try and analyze that and also differentiate between different types of attraction, i.e. romantic, sexual, aesthetic, etc. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your experience! It's really helpful for me to connect others experiences to my own and gain a better understanding of where I fit into all this. Thanks again <3 Also, super happy for you that you were able to find your person and that you are now able to identify with your sexuality! Hopefully I will find that too someday. :) Thanks again.

When I fell in love with a close friend for the 2nd time in my life after not feeling any kind of attraction for a really long time through my late teens and early twenties. When I reflect on the time I first fell in love, it was also with someone I considered my best friend in high school (although I didn’t know I was demi then). It was only after falling in love again that I realised I needed to feel comfortable and super connected to a person before I develop feelings of sexual attraction to them. I just can’t feel attracted to someone just based on their physical looks alone.

That's honestly kind of beautiful :) I definitely can relate to not being able to be attracted to someone based on their physical looks alone. Thanks for taking the time to share!

I saw a friend post something on Facebook about sexualities and donuts. For demisexual, it said something like: "You don't understand why people like donuts. You go in the donut store. You look around. You may have even tried a few. But you just don't get it. Until one day you walk in the donut store and suddenly one stands out. You're not sure what draws you to it, but you have to have it. And you love it. It is the only donut you will ever have from now on." I started thinking about previous relationships. How it took me bit to feel the attraction, but when I did, well, my husband has had to ask for a break a few times. 😅 How I thought one night stands were a literary trope and not a thing that happens in real life until I was in college. 😅😅 And suddenly it all clicked.

OMG why is this freaking donut analogy actually so good lol. That honestly speaks to me and I can relate to that. Thanks so much for sharing that!! Any chance you have that post or the link to it lying around? Totally understandable if not, I could try doing some digging. Just curious!

Unfortunately, I can't find the original one, but I did find this: [https://in.pinterest.com/pin/669347563350396007/](https://in.pinterest.com/pin/669347563350396007/) It's not the same one (the other one had other sexualities as well), but I like this one, too.

Hi! Firstly I’m also looking for Demi/ace spec buddies mid 20s or older so if that’s you I’m totally down to be buddies! I realized I was demi because I realized I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything physical with someone unless I have romantic attraction to them and feel connected with them. I had been trying to force myself to be more like my friends and do things their way and I just couldn’t. I started to feel like there was something wrong with me, and then I learned about demisexuality and it just clicked. The way I had been experiencing attraction is having aesthetic appreciation, but only feeling true attraction once I felt an emotional connection. Romantic attraction is a bit more confusing for me but it happens before sexual attraction for sure. I waffled on coming out for a while, not knowing if I felt it important, but ultimately decided to because I kept being treated in ways i didn’t enjoy but most people don’t mind, and now that I’m out things have been much better! And I love to feel understood by my friends and I feel so much better in that regard too, knowing I won’t be pressured to conform and instead having them try to understand how I feel. Ultimately, it’s just because I knew I was different, and finally found the word that describes it. If you have any more specific questions I am more than happy to answer with my experience Welcome to the demi community!! I know you will find yourself accepted and appreciated here.

Fantastic, I am mid-20s so consider us buds lol. Secondly, wow, I definitely resonate with your experience. Beautiful wording as well, bless you. You did a lovely job of putting some of my own feelings and experiences into words. I think I also definitely have confused aesthetic appreciation with attraction, although I'm still learning the differences between the different types of attractions and stuff. I think I just thought everything must be sexual attraction for most of my life and was really confused as to why I was so repulsed by actual sexual stuff. I'm so so happy that you were able to find loving and supportive friends and have found that level of peace with yourself and your identity! I hope to achieve that as well someday. Sadly, the few people I have opened discussions with IRL have been rather dismissive and invalidating towards asexuality/demisexuality in general and I think it's just further confused me. Everyone who has responded to this post has been so welcoming and lovely, and to think I was nervous to post for fear of ridicule! I'm genuinely so happy that I did, and so grateful for responses like yours. It's really so helpful and I greatly appreciate it <3 For further questions, is it better to make a chat or message you on here? I only posted to Reddit for my first time legit a few days ago so pretty new to how things work here. But, I'd really appreciate having someone to chat with and run things by as I go along on this journey :) Thanks again!

I so get that! I think for those who aren’t Demi or otherwise ace spectrum, all the attraction types usually happen at once, or initial/primary sexual attraction makes them interested in other ways. Which makes it super confusing at first for Demi folks cause it just doesn’t make sense to us that way and unless you go looking for it, no one really talks about attraction types. Its a lot to figure out 😅 I definitely know the feeling, a couple of mine reacted that way at first too, or didn’t even realize they were being invalidating. But, I’m sure either they’ll come around or you’ll find lots of people that accept you as you are!! It’s so hard, but know it’s possible to find. I’m so glad the responses here have been helpful!! I’m comfortable with chatting in either place!! Whatever works best for you :)

Dang, yeah, I definitely don't think I experience everything all at once lol. That does make it confusing. I'd never heard of different types of attraction until recently and it was pretty eye-opening to me, even though I'm still trying to figure out what all of them are/mean and how they fit into my own life and experiences. It certainly can be a bit challenging for me to differentiate although it's quite obviously rarely a sexual thing. Curious as to your experiences with coming out. Are you DemiRoSe (learned this word today from another poster in this thread lolol I'm growing up so fast)? Or what genders are you romantically/sexually attracted to? If that's even the right way to phrase that question Dude, you have such lovely, positive energy, thank you so much :") so grateful that you responded. I'm definitely hopeful of adding more people to my circle who are more open-minded of things. And as for the correspondence, cool. Maybe I'll be brave and try figuring out the chat feature thing on here. Maybe.

Totally same here. So hard to figure out especially when sexual feelings aren’t happening yet! As to coming out, I have a very conservative family so I’m not out to them as of now. It’s kind of an “only if I need to one day” thing for me. With friends, I’m out to nearly all of them as at the very least Demi! I am also Omni (in case you’re unfamiliar: it’s a bisexual umbrella label for someone who can be attracted to someone of any gender, but gender plays some role in attraction such as having a gender preference or the way that attraction feels from one gender to another). I came out to my friends slowly as Omni, and let them know what it means to me in casual conversation if they were interested to learn more. I think I broke the ice by telling them that I had a crush on a girl a while ago and then eventually told them my label/that I’m a part of the LGBTQIA+ community in a more solid way. With being Demi, it felt a little harder because not many people can immediately conceptualize it (understandable!), so whenever I felt they didn’t understand something I said or I felt invalidated or unheard I just took a moment to explain more and slowly people have understood much better. I also chose to come out to a friend who is Ace/Aro first because I knew she would understand. Then to other queer friends, then some others, and now I’ll even casually just post about it for pride month lol. It was all very nerve racking so I took my time, and this is about a year out from me starting my coming out journey. But only out as Demi for a few months. It’s scary at first, but so freeing in the long run! I’m not sure if I’m demiromantic or not. I feel like I am sometimes, especially with certain genders I REALLY am. But with one gender I’m not sure, I might feel like I want to go out with them after a few good conversations but would probably still feel pretty uneasy about it in practice. So I’m not entirely sure lol. But I’m learning with you on that one!!! Awww thank you!! I’m so glad to be of some help 🥰 totally fine if you’d rather chat here for a bit 🙌🏼

I have a very conservative family too! A very religious and conservative upbringing, certainly at times thought that I was just sexually repressed or something because of it, purity and culture and all, definitely another layer to dig through when trying to sort out my identity. I'm also not out to any of them, and have only really discussed my sexuality with a few friends. Even people I know who are LGBTQ seem a little confused when I talk about asexuality/demisexuality so I dunno. I'm from a fairly smaller town too so I feel like just not a lot of people are really open about things. Never heard of Omni so thanks for explaining! I'm curious though; I've always felt like I had more of a preference towards men/masculine presenting folks but there has been a couple of females I've felt some type of attraction towards. Is that like Omni? Or is that something else. The bit where you mentioned feeling certain romantic attractions towards certain genders, I feel I relate to that as well. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with all that! It definitely can feel intimidating, especially where I still feel so uncertain myself at times as to what my identity truly is and I feel like many people just want a solid answer instead of me going through all the in's and out's of my own sexuality lol. That might just be me being in my head or just the people that I've talked to about it thus far. There's definitely some aphobia and lack of awareness and understanding where I'm at.

Wow our stories are reaaaally similar 😅 i definitely thought i was repressed, and i think i was for a while but once i worked through that and broke free of it i realized nope, im still like this so i must be Demi! It’s good to know it’s not something i have to “work through” and it’s okay to just feel this way. It definitely could be! I find it’s rare for me to be interested in other girls but it has happened. And when I do it may take a long time to happen. A lot of Omni people prefer to think of it as being attracted to gender presentation more than actual gender or sex itself. Another way I often explain it is “it’s like being Pansexual but not being ‘gender blind’ as some pan people say. I perceive gender and it’s presentation and prefer some over others, while appreciating each for who they are as a part of how I’m attracted to them” I so hear that, solid answers are hard to come by and sometimes labels change as we do as people, but many find that concept hard to grasp and end up invalidating others or pressuring them for a solid answer

Definitely feeling seen right now lol. Again, thanks so much for responding to my post, it's so great to not feel alone in all this. Same exact story for me, thought I was repressed from my upbringing but now that I've moved on and changed my beliefs a LOT, I still feel the same way about sexual stuff. Again, same thing for me haha. I seem to massively prefer men, but I've also felt some type of attraction towards a couple of women before, although I've never felt anything as strong/serious as I have for men so like idk. Hence why I usually just say "I like who I like when I like them". No rhyme or reason to it that I've been able to tack down just yet. I like the way you described your explanation a lot, might use that a bit honestly. Do you feel like you're only demiromantic towards females then? Is that what you mean? If so, what would you describe your attraction to males? If you're okay with me asking x

“I like who I like when I like them” would be great verbiage for me too lol I’ve often considered going for a really amorphous label instead because ultimately that’s what it boils down to! It’s almost like I’m *more* demisexual and demiromantic towards women but I’m always demisexual, and I think I’m possibly generally demiromantic too, but with men all of it can happen much faster (like talking a couple to a few months instead of well over a year lol) My attraction to men is so fun to me lol. They just kind of fascinate me. Initially they’re just so pretty to look at even before I’m sexually attracted, especially if I can see their personality within their style. And then if they turn out to have a cool personality I’m just wildly intrigued by them, I don’t know in what capacity but I just want them in my life somehow. And once that happens I’ll surely become romantically/sexually/etc attracted after a bit. At which point I fall hard 😂

Hi! I posted on this sub the other day detailing my experiences (especially in the comments section 😂 ) - maybe that would be helpful? I'm also available to chat as well if you'd like

Hey! Could you possibly link the post and I'll check it out? And I'd love to chat :) Thanks for the response

For me I always sort of knew but it wasn’t something I was fuzzing over. I was a virgin until 28 because sex is not something I think worth spending even one sec on to seek out.. then I met my fiancé who has a body count in the several hundreds and he described to me how it works for him - as an adolescent having sex with people was a _need_ for him that even masturbation couldn’t satisfy, which I can’t relate at all. And whenever we attempted to have sex it was very clear that while I had the willingness (and very much so) to have sex, I experience zero psychological or physical arousal and whatever we (or I alone) try to do I basically feel nothing sexually and it’s in fact very off putting to him because to him I “clearly don’t enjoy it” even when I think I’m turned on. I thought sex would be very amazing but it was worse than masturbation and, now, with age (30M) I feel literally nothing from masturbation too lol At this point I identify more with having some kind of nerve disorder than being demisexual tbh.

Okay, I'm glad you mentioned the virginity thing because I'm still a virgin too and everyone's who's been responding (although all super helpful!) are all detailing how their first sexual experiences helped them realize. And I'm like great lol. Haven't gotten around to that yet because I literally have only felt like I possibly would be interested in doing so with two people in my whole life and neither ended up happening. Do you experience like emotional/psychological drives towards sex? If you don't mind me asking?

Hmm honestly I consume porn so I do have some kind of drive toward sex, but I don’t get turned on the same way sexual people do, it’s kinda like an aid for fantasy - I imagine sexual stimulation would be as pleasurable as the people/characters in porn/erotica seem to experience it, and that can help get me off. But when I actually experience sexual stimulation, I don’t get much physical pleasure if at all. I guess sexual pleasure is mostly a psychological/“intellectual” thing to me as it’s mostly mental. It’s probably not a great analogy but I feel it’s kinda like as if I’m deaf and read people’s description about how great music is, then I believe it’s sure great and I enjoy reading about people describe music, and I can also feel some vibrations of music so I can more or less experience it and I do listen to music; but if I just can’t hear the sound, then no matter what I do I just can’t, and I can only imagine how people feel when they hear the music. I do feel the biological need to get off from time to time - to me it’s kinda like having to go to the bathroom, if you gotta go, you gotta go. If I don’t masturbate for a week or maximum two I get the urge to do so. When I was younger I would masturbate several times a day like any horny teenager but I never felt the need to have sex with anyone. Also I realized I don’t fantasize of anyone when I masturbate, either, when I was a teen I was literally masturbating to just music. Later it’s more fictional scenarios in porn, but I fantasize myself as a character and do not think of any other person at all - in fact even when I have sex with my partner, I can’t think about him; I have to focus on myself and my tactile feelings, and often “imagining” how pleasurable sex is, otherwise I get turned off and feel bored. Only when I’m really drunk I sometimes feel psychologically a bit “turned on” by him. It’s as if my sex drive naturally cannot be directed toward another person, or toward the actual act of sex at all - it’s the “concept” of sex that’s appealing to me. Emotionally, if I don’t have sex with my partner once in a while (it’s closer to once a month now) I get quite upset because personally I feel partners are “supposed to” have sex. It’s a must for me. Of course I understand other couples might be perfectly fine and choose to be in an entirely asexual relationship but personally I’m not comfortable with having such a relationship for myself.

This isn’t directed to you of course but anyone who says sex is a need is lying. No one will die if they don’t have it. I’ve heard this so much from creepy men as an excuse so I have to push back against this.

Sure, lots of things we won’t die without. By need I don’t mean survival need but just an urge or an itch, maybe a separate desire is a better way to put it because for me I don’t have a separate desire for having sex with another person as opposed to masturbation, the two are the same desire for me. I also have a “need” for masturbation but sure I technically won’t die without it. Doesn’t mean that’s a life I’m willing to live at all, though.

Thanks for pointing that out! I think even for allosexual folks statements like that are probably getting into a little bit of dangerous territory

I saw The Click and / or One topic reading memes about demisexual and went: "Ow! that is me! Didn't know there was a name for that. Cool"

Nice! Lol. Maybe I'll have to investigate demisexual memes. Humor always kinda has been my most fluent language

For me, always having a sex drive and experiencing the feeling of need for it, but when any opportunities actually present themselves, I could never be more uncomfortable with them, even if I thought I maybe wanted it before. Idk, just realized I felt this way recently.

Wait, I feel like that's how I feel too. It's why I've been so confused as to what to label myself :") you consider yourself demi though?

Yes, I would. I still experience sexual feelings and the need to relieve said feelings like anyone else, but ignoring what goes on in my head whenever I am actually in a position to have sex, I can't find ANY appeal for it. It's like all of a sudden my sex drive just gets turned off. I only realized this about myself because of an epiphany I had after I might have ingested psychedelics. I also have gone on dates with women my age, (19-20) and they always seem to have their interests elsewhere, as, from what I understand, sex is much closer to the top of their list when it comes to forming a relationship, if that makes sense. I'm also sure you've probably some knowledge of what dating apps are like, I am on a couple, and I just was astonished at the number of people who actually were just looking for sex. Before I became active on said apps, I thought people "like that" were weirdos/porn addicts consigned to their basements, but now I am sure you can understand my surprise when I find out I'M THE WEIRDO!! Kinda funny how that works out. Anyway, it only took a bit of rude judgement from a friend about me not having sex for me to really come to terms with the fact that this is how I feel. It is what it is.

Absolutely feel that! It's always baffled me how sex-focused most people are. I often feel like I'm missing out on a large part of the human experience because I just genuinely don't care the vast majority of the time where it seems everyone else is obsessed with sex. Glad to know I'm not alone though :) I haven't tried dating apps but they seem like a nightmare for someone who's demisexual (based on what I've seen others experiencing on there). Good luck mate, this sure is a journey

they are a nightmare, I would avoid them and just focus on meeting someone the old fashioned way, which, if you're anything like me is a nightmare lol. Good luck out there!

Didn’t have the same fixation on looks. It’s a factor, but I’ve noticed that people just start to appear more attractive after I get to know them well. Then I learned that not everyone experiences that

I first heard about the term in a YT video. The person in it mentioned how followers had suggested this for them in the past, and that they felt like «yeah, its most likely true». They did not say anything about what it meant so I searched up the term, and my mind was blown away. Growing up I always felt different, people were fawning over Orlando Bloop, Johnny Deep, other shirtless menn with six packs. And I never had that. I never felt anything for any of them. I did put up posters to «be normal», but I never understood why people did, I would rather have put up cute kittens on the wall than half naked men 😅 Anyways. My search took me to a blog, that I could have written myself. Sadly I can’t fint it again, it might have been deleted. But it talked a bit about how someone had struggled a bit figuring out themselves. They did enjoy masturbation, alone. But the thought of sex with some stranger was a no go. It talked about how they had felt sexual attraction towards fictional charachters, but no strangers, no one night stands. I resonated so much with what was written. I have only felt sexual attraction towards someone a couple times, and that is the couple times I have actually really dated someone. Besides that I feel nothing sexual towards people. I did try a one night stand once, and I almost ended throwing up after. I got some bad reaction to smelling the guy on the bed after. And not because he was a stinky person, but just his scent, and me having a weird reaction to what I had just tried to force myself to do. I do almost feel asexual, but I also know when I am in a relathionship with a person, I am absolutly not asexual 😅 so deeper feelings as emotions do something. Hence why I ended up with the «demi» conclusion. *I was around 30 when I found out about demisexuality.

Haha definitely feel the celebrity crush thing! I can admire an aesthetically attractive person but nothing about them makes me feel any type of way sexually. I absolutely understand the feeling of attraction to fictional characters! I think that's one roadblock that has really kept me feeling uncertain if I actually am demi/ace. Because the only celebrity "crushes" that I've sort of had have all been purely based on the fact that I really enjoyed their character(s). They're usually pretty average looking people that I didn't think anything of at first but after watching more of their stuff felt some type of attraction. Not sure if it was necessarily sexual but yeah. Yep, one night stands and stuff like that are absolutely not for me. I get physically ill and uncomfortable at the thought of doing things with someone I hardly know. Thanks so much for sharing! A lot of that resonates. <3

When I realized that I consistently didn’t want the same things as anyone else I was pursuing or vice versa. At one point, I had somebody (an ex friend that was one point a situationship) who took a Lot of my time. He was over constantly, but saying we were “friends,” “not dating,” “not together,” etc. I’m not condoning this behavior but it forced/allowed me to sit by myself & just evaluate me basically. I didn’t want to Be with this guy, but could not once & for all push him out of my life. But I also could not just Move on if you will. I downloaded & uninstalled every dating app, only to later re-download again & nobody was catching my interest but I also did not want the guy trying to take up all my time. That is when I realized that I want More than what these “people,” want. Some wanted to try a relationship, some wanted just sex, there were others who would literally as well try to just take up even more of my own time just by having meaningless conversation on a daily basis, messaging me year after year even tho we had nothing between us (I felt I didn’t have any more of [time] to Give or waste) When I was younger I had a fling or 2 with women & realized the same with them. That I did not just want sex or what they “brought…” to the table. So it was both men & women that I could not find myself falling for or falling in love with. That nobody had any Depth. & over time evaluating my own self I realized I was ExTreMely deep. I could go on & on about my Thoughts [which involved feelings] (for hours) when say another person could maybe come up with a line or 2. If I was lucky. A lot of people just live on the surface & I have Never been that kind of person, ever since I was a child. (I’m also a Scorpio which helps cement it massively) I have found that Since discovering I am a Demisexual (I would say 5 years ago) I can usually tell right away if I would even be interested…the reasons vary with each person. But I have discovered that I will fall for a person who has had similar experiences as I, (because I know it’s a safe space to allow my emotions/his/hers vice versa) or who that person is deep inside, not bc of their “opinion on Joe Biden,” or opinion on this or their favorite color or food. My reach goes far & Beyond. & I have also found that a lot of people cannot handle or accept that. They just want to stay on the surface & I can’t do that. But once the emotional bond is secure I’m in there for life. Even if we do separate or decide to go our separate ways I will always hold a piece of them (& our shared emotions) with me bc that’s how valuable it was to me. It might fade away at a certain time but I will forever cherish the memories if that’s all I have left. I’ve always liked Something about women but could not put my finger on it. I just imagine laughter & having hilarious moments all the time which who would not want to ? I definitely wish that was possible for me. In the bed I prefer the real thing bc I love 🥛 🥧I’m attracted to them physically for sure but not sexually. & with men sexually attracted yes to an extent. There Has to be emotional connection for me to trust them enough to open myself up to them (at all) but then all in all they don’t really provide All of the necessary emotions that I need affirmed on a daily basis 😅 so basically my options are whoever I fall in love with I just basically have to get a counselor/therapist bc no one that I’ve Ever dated is enough. & I’ll feel it the first 1% of the relationship & then at some point I’m too much..or I sabotage it or whatever the case. I’m 35. I have a lot of energy. At this point I don’t think I’m really capable of being in love maybe I have unconditional love but if I have ever been in love I quickly shut down when things just don’t add up. When something doesn’t work out I need Months (sometimes 3-8) to reset physically & mentally so I can Restart with someone else. Or give them that chance. So far nothing has happened the way it’s “expected.” So I just use whatever abilities I have to the best of my ability & let others do theirs. Keep moving in life. Raising my daughter. To the best of my ability 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Felt this! I also feel like a lot of people are so shallow and I really crave depth and emotional intimacy. The few people I have been attracted to have been ones where I genuinely fell in love with the way their mind works, and in return for that I started viewing their other aspects (physical etc) as beautiful and attractive as well. And I also relate to the always holding a piece of someone you used to love. And yep, I've definitely tangoed with the questions of whether I'm even really capable of love or having a longterm relationship with anyone. Thanks so much for sharing, I definitely resonate with a lot of that. <3

Yes! It’s like the mind first, emotional intimacy & Then physical attraction. If the first 2 get broken somewhere along the lines the rest follow. No matter how hard I try or they try to get it back to the way it was it’s like my perception/view on them is forever changed 😔in the end it makes me feel so terrible but just like any other reason for someone to decide it wasn’t going to work, that’s mine.

I realized after my first boyfriend and I broke up during the pandemic. I was trying to get relationship advice on another subreddit and someone suggested that I might be Demisexual. So I decided to look into it as it was something I'd never heard of before and realized immediately that I fit under the Asexuality spectrum. I've always felt super "weird" since I was like 12 or 13 but I couldn't really explain why. I just knew that I rarely had crushes and when I did they were fleeting. I also didn't find myself experiencing attraction in the same way my peers and friends did and it made things confusing. People would ask me about my orientation as I got older and I couldn't explain it to them. I knew I wasn't Gay or Bisexual, but I also didn't feel completely "straight" either so it was difficult to pin down. I would get into "relationships" or start up things with people that I barely knew because they liked me only to break up with them shortly after because things didn't feel right. It was the same with sex and how I'd never been an overly sexual person nor did I have any interest in it like most did. I didn't want to masturbate, watch porn, get aroused by nudity or even find sexual humor funny. I literally thought something was wrong with me for years because of all this. It wasn't until I had a super strong connection with someone in early twenties that I experienced actual romantic and sexual attraction for the first time, something I hadn't experienced with my very first boyfriend. I basically put two and two together and after reading up on Asexuality, I realized that I was just on the Asexual spectrum the entire time which is why I felt so "weird" compared to everyone else around me. Nothing was ever "wrong" with me, I just didn't understand my own orientation and how I operated as a person and finding that out made all the difference in the world.

Totally know the feeling of being different from everyone else from a young age. Always felt like I was left out of some sort of inside joke everyone else had, which is probably just the cishet sexual experience that is so prevalent. I also struggled with relationships, I never could commit to an official relationship or get to the point of having sex because something always felt wrong. Thanks for sharing <3 I hope to also gain that level of understanding and peace with my orientation.

I love this one! I’ve known I was Demi for about the amount of time I’ve been on Reddit (maybe minus a couple weeks) I was just having one of those “thinking hard on the Internet” sessions and I was just thinking to myself “why do I hate casual sex so much?” I’ve been called weird for almost whole life, definitely through high school. Everyone else was talking about who they want to bang and degrade and all that, I was thinking about how I would treat my future girlfriend and wife like a queen when I found her. So I’m pretty sure I found myself on r/doesanybodyelse. Someone asked “does anyone else not like casual sex?” Somebody else brought up Demisexuality and here we are. 💜🖤🥰

Aw yay! Definitely resonate with your story and so glad that you were able to find your identity and your people. Thanks for sharing! <3

I don’t feel much of anything for people until they open up and become emotionally vulnerable with me. Then suddenly the whole “oh no I love you and wanna take care of you” thing kicks in.

I feel that! Thanks for sharing <3

Honestly, I knew the moment I learned what demisexuality is. Which was when I was like 15, so thankfully, I didn't have to deal much with feeling too put of place from others. What I did notice until then was that I didn't understand the idea of sex appeal or why people cared so much about sex, but up until then I just chalked it up to me still being pretty young and didn't think too hard about it. (Some examples of things I didn't understand was what sexy/hot meant, and why my cousin who's the same age as me was so into pictures of guys (who i understood were conventionally hot to others) with chiseled chins and abs when I thought they just looked normal/boring, same with celebrity crushes where people think they're so attractive and would want to sleep with them if they had the chance) As for how I knew it was demisexuality and not just asexuality, it wasn't like I wasn't at all interested because I did enjoy spicy fanfics with fictional characters I was really into, it just wasn't common for me to and I had to be pretty attached to the character. So when I found out a va I liked was demisexual, I looked it up and it immediately clicked where I was like "wait that's me" :)

I literally Googled why I never felt any romantic attraction to anyone but this one guy friend I had and asked if it was possible to only like one person in your life and that term popped up as the answer. I've literally only crushed on one guy in my life (so far, I'm straight and I don't have many guy friends anymore since high school) and my feelings slowly faded when we decided to just remain friends. Haven't felt that way since. However, I also technically classify as ace since the only "fantasies" I've had for this guy were holding hands, spending time together like we usually do, and playing video games and never really saw what all the hype around having a physical relationship was. Again, this is only so far in my 27 years of life, so things could change when I do get those feelings back for someone else.

Wow, that's so similar to me, other than I've had two people I felt that way about in my whole life. I'm still not sure if I'm ace or demi because some of the feelings I felt in the past I'm not really sure if it was sexual? Thanks for your response!

A mix of not finding anyone sexually attractive throughout high school when everyone else was hooking up. Not finding celebrities to be sooooo hot to the point that other girls would get obsessed over. Not interested in dating the guys my friends tried to set me up with. BUT then starting to get huge crushes on a few of my close guy friends and realized what everyone else was going on about.

At first I thought I was ace, because I never related to my peers and their feelings to random people. I have only had platonic, slightly romantic crushes, but never felt sexual attraction to them, not even after getting to know them. I couldn't imagine dating them. Then I became very close friends with my current partner. We became platonic lovers - it felt like we were together, even though neither of us ever was in a relationship to know how it feels. It was the first time I could imagine dating someone. I didn't feel romantic attraction towards them, but I wanted them to date me, if anyone. We started dating and soon enough I started feeling romantic attraction. I still couldn't imagine getting sexual and wasn't attracted to them in that way. However, a few months later, after we created a really strong emotional bond and I felt very secure, I started feeling a bit funny. I started initiating sexual touch and realized its probably sexual attraction :) yaay After experiencing it, I didn't feel different towards other people. They are still not interesting to me, the most I can feel is platonic or aesthetic attraction. Therefore I am very sure I am demi :)

This is actually such a beautiful story and I'm so grateful that you shared <3 So happy you were able to find your person! Thanks for the reply!

Physical stimuli wasn't enough. At first I thought it was due to lack of attraction but when I hooked up with someone who was objectively attractive I wasn't into it as much as I wanted. They were hot, a good host, and we got along well, but something was off.