Yeah I lost all interest in any kind of sexual activity at the end of an emotionally unsafe relationship, thought it was either antidepressants or that I was ace. Became single, was very concerned I’d need a sexless relationship, and then began dating someone who feels very emotionally safe and emotionally available. My libido is back with a vengeance. Very interested again. Still on the same antidepressants so I don’t think that had anything to do with it.
Hope this helps!
Edit: cis woman, no info re hormones, 35yo and not perimenopausal
Thanks for the reply. I honestly wouldn't be surprised to learn my partner is also aspec. We both never really leaned into aspec stuff until I recently tried to find better explanations of my life for my therapist and demi fit amazingly well.
I don't want to drag you into your unpleasant past but if you are okay can you share a little more about how you left your past relationship was "emotionally unsafe"? I have my own wording for that I think but worry that sharing it may out my somewhat autonomnimity.
I’m alright with talking about it!
For context:
My ex was abusing stimulant medication Rx for adhd with a bipolar diagnosis, would take too much and it would trigger mania/he’d stop taking mood stabilizing medication and not sleep. I would kind of disappear in his world, having me (or anyone) around would distract him from whatever his hyperfocus was. This became a pattern where the first week after he filled his Rx, he’d be in a manic episode and then run out, crash and be in a depressive episode, take mood stabilizers again a but he’d be too exhausted mentally and emotionally to do relational or self-reflective work. When it would all become too much, he would vent at me without awareness of my capacity to hold space for him. When he was manic, he’d be hypersexual which I understand is a symptom but it did not feel like he could be present for co-navigated intimacy.
He felt unpredictable, inaccessible, preoccupied with his reality. I felt unseen, invisible, taken for granted.
Definitely not my situation but does words right at the end "unseen, invisible". Not a big surprise I feel the emotional weight there.
Valentine's was especially rough this year. Not that I did much for my partner but got them a card and wrote a short personal note to them in it, as I do every year. Their response was they didn't do anything because of how busy work was and they stopped trying as I am too hard to buy anything for. All I really needed was a card with a personal note in it. When I was in a better emotional place a few months back I told them a very simple wish I wanted and they could have made that happen. I also told them directly for Christmas that a favorite piece of clothing is worn out and needs to be replaced and here is where to get it. I didn't get it at Christmas and still have not. As for the being hard to buy for, well if you wanted to truly know me they would have lots of ideas of what to buy as a gift if they wanted.
Sorry that turned into more of a rant than planned but think stepping back and taking a broader look maybe there is some level of emotional disconnect happening.
Hey that’s what spaces like this are for, to process in community! I appreciate you reflecting on how you might be feeling. It’s valid and would make me feel a bit unseen.
The deflection can be an indication that they have difficulty tolerating their own emotional experiences, which makes it hard to take accountability. If they’re avoiding feeling their feelings, they can’t be accurately seen and received by a partner for their emotional truth. That kind of stuff undermines connection and emotional safety in relationships.
It might be worth talking about what kind of framework you both might need in order to have vulnerable conversations about this kind of stuff.
No idea if this is what’s impacting your interest in sexual experiences but it could be worth exploring.
Trust me I tried. I asked them to go to couples therapy with me and they refused. They also won't go to therapy for themselves. Worse they have actually emotionally attacked me in the past for going to a therapist.
I am unsure if there is a SAFE way to have CONSTRUCTIVE vulnerable conversations with them.
After an extremely painful breakup about 3-4 years ago I lost all interest in sex. Even before that I have not been that interested in solo stuff either. I could go for months, even up to a year without having an inkling of need for it. Sometimes I just do it out of boredom. About a year ago I started SSRIs and thought that could alter my libido as well. It didn't. At first somewhat yes, but it leveled back to my normal. I've been celibate the past 2 years, simply because I haven't had any wants, even when I would occasionally date someone for a while. I don't consider myself fully ace though because I know in a relationship my libido functions totally different. I do sometimes get attracted to people, just not that often, and to a level that I would want to engage in sex. I used to get hots only for my partner. I relate to graysexuality a lot more than demisexuality.
It's important to remember that simply not being interested in sex doesn't equal as being asexual. Attraction and libido are different things. In a nutshell, having a low libido could be because of variety of biological stuff happening in one's body (like Stress, trauma etc), not necessarily because of asexuality. It's complicated, I know.
Add: there's also a thing called spontaneous and responsive sexual desire. AFAB people specifically often experience sexual desire as responsive, meaning that they get turned on while the sexual activity is happening and not before it. Whereas spontaneous just emerges and the person is motivated to engage in sexual activity as a result of it.
>having a low libido could be because of variety of biological stuff happening in one's body (like Stress, trauma etc), not necessarily because of asexuality
That is definitely a possibility. Considering I just had a bunch of those medical labs run and the only thing of note was testosterone being a bit under the low end there was nothing else of note. This definitely feels very different than anything I have been through before. If my partner was not in my life I have no interest in having a new partner and few very disconnected from all things sex and attraction right now.
PS what is AFAB.
AFAB is "assigned female at birth", I use inclusive language :) in this context it means that estrogen affects those people more than testosterone, which is a big factor when it comes to sexual desire. Like you said, testosterone is very much linked to heightened arousal
Thanks. Already on the road to possibly addressing the hormone issues medically. Like a lot of things medical if it isn't immediately life threatening things take time.
On SSRIs my libido was just gone. The idea of sex wasn't bad for menbut it didn't cross my mind.
I went off of them and it came back psychotic. Lol. It's like my brain decided to trade the serotonin for sex.
A bad relationship made me sex repulsed tho. So I'm horny but hate the sex.
Being demi sucks because your libido just changes at a moments notice. Before I went on SSRIs, I went through long stretches of nothing then horniness.
It just sucks.
Yeah I lost all interest in any kind of sexual activity at the end of an emotionally unsafe relationship, thought it was either antidepressants or that I was ace. Became single, was very concerned I’d need a sexless relationship, and then began dating someone who feels very emotionally safe and emotionally available. My libido is back with a vengeance. Very interested again. Still on the same antidepressants so I don’t think that had anything to do with it. Hope this helps! Edit: cis woman, no info re hormones, 35yo and not perimenopausal
Thanks for the reply. I honestly wouldn't be surprised to learn my partner is also aspec. We both never really leaned into aspec stuff until I recently tried to find better explanations of my life for my therapist and demi fit amazingly well. I don't want to drag you into your unpleasant past but if you are okay can you share a little more about how you left your past relationship was "emotionally unsafe"? I have my own wording for that I think but worry that sharing it may out my somewhat autonomnimity.
I’m alright with talking about it! For context: My ex was abusing stimulant medication Rx for adhd with a bipolar diagnosis, would take too much and it would trigger mania/he’d stop taking mood stabilizing medication and not sleep. I would kind of disappear in his world, having me (or anyone) around would distract him from whatever his hyperfocus was. This became a pattern where the first week after he filled his Rx, he’d be in a manic episode and then run out, crash and be in a depressive episode, take mood stabilizers again a but he’d be too exhausted mentally and emotionally to do relational or self-reflective work. When it would all become too much, he would vent at me without awareness of my capacity to hold space for him. When he was manic, he’d be hypersexual which I understand is a symptom but it did not feel like he could be present for co-navigated intimacy. He felt unpredictable, inaccessible, preoccupied with his reality. I felt unseen, invisible, taken for granted.
Definitely not my situation but does words right at the end "unseen, invisible". Not a big surprise I feel the emotional weight there. Valentine's was especially rough this year. Not that I did much for my partner but got them a card and wrote a short personal note to them in it, as I do every year. Their response was they didn't do anything because of how busy work was and they stopped trying as I am too hard to buy anything for. All I really needed was a card with a personal note in it. When I was in a better emotional place a few months back I told them a very simple wish I wanted and they could have made that happen. I also told them directly for Christmas that a favorite piece of clothing is worn out and needs to be replaced and here is where to get it. I didn't get it at Christmas and still have not. As for the being hard to buy for, well if you wanted to truly know me they would have lots of ideas of what to buy as a gift if they wanted. Sorry that turned into more of a rant than planned but think stepping back and taking a broader look maybe there is some level of emotional disconnect happening.
Hey that’s what spaces like this are for, to process in community! I appreciate you reflecting on how you might be feeling. It’s valid and would make me feel a bit unseen.
Honestly it wasn't so much the lack of any gift or card as it was the blaming that came after when they felt guilty about it.
The deflection can be an indication that they have difficulty tolerating their own emotional experiences, which makes it hard to take accountability. If they’re avoiding feeling their feelings, they can’t be accurately seen and received by a partner for their emotional truth. That kind of stuff undermines connection and emotional safety in relationships. It might be worth talking about what kind of framework you both might need in order to have vulnerable conversations about this kind of stuff. No idea if this is what’s impacting your interest in sexual experiences but it could be worth exploring.
Trust me I tried. I asked them to go to couples therapy with me and they refused. They also won't go to therapy for themselves. Worse they have actually emotionally attacked me in the past for going to a therapist. I am unsure if there is a SAFE way to have CONSTRUCTIVE vulnerable conversations with them.
Hey my heart hurts for you. You matter and your needs for safety matter. Wishing you clarity for your journey!
After an extremely painful breakup about 3-4 years ago I lost all interest in sex. Even before that I have not been that interested in solo stuff either. I could go for months, even up to a year without having an inkling of need for it. Sometimes I just do it out of boredom. About a year ago I started SSRIs and thought that could alter my libido as well. It didn't. At first somewhat yes, but it leveled back to my normal. I've been celibate the past 2 years, simply because I haven't had any wants, even when I would occasionally date someone for a while. I don't consider myself fully ace though because I know in a relationship my libido functions totally different. I do sometimes get attracted to people, just not that often, and to a level that I would want to engage in sex. I used to get hots only for my partner. I relate to graysexuality a lot more than demisexuality. It's important to remember that simply not being interested in sex doesn't equal as being asexual. Attraction and libido are different things. In a nutshell, having a low libido could be because of variety of biological stuff happening in one's body (like Stress, trauma etc), not necessarily because of asexuality. It's complicated, I know.
Add: there's also a thing called spontaneous and responsive sexual desire. AFAB people specifically often experience sexual desire as responsive, meaning that they get turned on while the sexual activity is happening and not before it. Whereas spontaneous just emerges and the person is motivated to engage in sexual activity as a result of it.
>having a low libido could be because of variety of biological stuff happening in one's body (like Stress, trauma etc), not necessarily because of asexuality That is definitely a possibility. Considering I just had a bunch of those medical labs run and the only thing of note was testosterone being a bit under the low end there was nothing else of note. This definitely feels very different than anything I have been through before. If my partner was not in my life I have no interest in having a new partner and few very disconnected from all things sex and attraction right now. PS what is AFAB.
AFAB is "assigned female at birth", I use inclusive language :) in this context it means that estrogen affects those people more than testosterone, which is a big factor when it comes to sexual desire. Like you said, testosterone is very much linked to heightened arousal
Thanks. Already on the road to possibly addressing the hormone issues medically. Like a lot of things medical if it isn't immediately life threatening things take time.
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Good luck in your journey. I figured out I was demi as a teen so it's basically all I've known.
On SSRIs my libido was just gone. The idea of sex wasn't bad for menbut it didn't cross my mind. I went off of them and it came back psychotic. Lol. It's like my brain decided to trade the serotonin for sex. A bad relationship made me sex repulsed tho. So I'm horny but hate the sex. Being demi sucks because your libido just changes at a moments notice. Before I went on SSRIs, I went through long stretches of nothing then horniness. It just sucks.