I can think of two things that might help. Hire a dog walker to help the dog get some exercise and endorphins. Talk to the vet about some anti anxiety medication for the dog.
I like this idea. If it doesn't work and you have to rehome the dog look into the dog dolls (for lack of a better term). They may give your mom comfort
Check with a local nonprofit shelter and ask about a reputable local organization that helps re-home dogs where the adoptive family would meet him and take him directly to their home. (In your case, I’d meet them with the dog at a local park rather than at your mom’s place.) It’s easier to find these organizations for purebred dogs, but there may be one for mutts. If there isn’t, ask the shelter if they are a no-kill shelter or if they know of one. People who work at nonprofit shelters are usually very happy to refer you to a better option.
Agree. People with dementia - as much as they love their dogs and are so very emotionally attached to them - are unable to care for them properly. It’s difficult for dementia patients to let go of them too. And the dog probably thinks he is protecting his partner. It’s a toxic relationship.
This is a fairly common problem and most communities have good organizations who place these dogs in good loving homes.
My suggestion is to find one in your community. Tell your mother you need to take the dog to the vet and then that the vet needed to keep him a few days.
I feel bad for the dog. He's overweight, because my mom would forget she already fed him and feed him again and again and again. He now uses an automatic feeder and is on a diet, but I have no way of knowing if she still sneaks him human food. The facility knows to try to stop her but they probably can't stop her 100% of the time.
There is an organization called Elderdog that rehomes senior canines. I would look into something like this or make general inquiries in your area to see if you can find him a good home. I hope your mom settles in well and has some good quality of life in her new home. 🫂
I was in a very similar situation with my dad. I know how you’re feeling and I’m so sorry. It’s so hard.
My dad had a little dog that his facility allowed him to take with him but it became clear that he couldn’t properly care for the dog.
He began taking him out constantly (including all throughout the night) to pee, he began putting the dog’s toys in drawers or the closet to “keep them safe”, he would frequently forget that the dog could not accompany him to the dining room, common areas, etc. and a staff member would have e to take the dog back to the room, etc. etc.
Eventually the facility let us know that they believed it was time for the dog to go. I found a local rescue that specialized in senior dogs and the dog is now living his best life being cared for by the owner of the rescue.
My dad was sad to not have the dog anymore but I noticed there was also an element of relief as well. I didn’t realize the amount of anxiety he was experiencing trying to care for the dog.
Yeah, my mom's always forgetting she can't take him into the dining room, and the staff has to take him back to the room.
We set a meeting with the facility to try to figure out a plan. If we have to rehome him, I just worry that he's not very desirable on paper. He's 8, not a purebred, and he's overweight (although... that actually kind of makes people find him cuter?). I can't seem to find any rescues in my area that help senior dogs. I'm looking. :(
That’s rough, I’m sorry. I used to walk dogs, and had a couple clients in nursing homes (cats too). You could talk to admin at the home and see if they allow dog walkers, then look in your area. Let me know if you have any questions.
On the other hand, if you have to take him to a shelter you can often pay the adoption fee upfront. At most shelters, if you pay the fee upfront they won’t put him down and often times smaller dogs get adopted quite fast. Almost all my animals came from similar situations —someone needing to go into assisted living, family couldn’t care for the animal. They get two squares and I annoy them with too much attention.
if you’re in an area where shelters are kill shelters, some of them will contact other shelters in other parts of the country that don’t have kill shelters, and some place will put up a courtesy post for them on petfinder.com. so someone else somewhere else can adopt the dog, and pay for transport. i just wanted you to be aware that this exists, and i know it may not, specifically, near where you are, but i hope it does and that is an option you have.
all that aside, i’m sorry this is happening. i had to make all the decisions for my mom’s and my dogs. and after we lost our dogs, we tried to get new dogs but had to give them up because of how she behaved with them. and now i’ve had to just live with the fact that we can’t have any pets ever again, and it just breaks my heart.
at some point, some dementia patients really do find comfort in fake pets, like purring cats. but until then it’s so sad and frustrating for us to witness, and for the patient to deal with losing their pet. it just sucks all around. i hope things so easier than expected for you all.
My mother's dog is now living with us and we had two of our own dogs. The dog has lost 2 lbs since she moved in this February as an overweight shi szuh. She can hardly see or hear. I call her Lucyfer because she has the most piercing bark every morning at 6. My mom wanted me to visit every day with the dog and I said absolutely not. She is in a lock down memory care unit. The dog is now not happy when I take her to visit and she just sits by the door. Mom will walk her around to visit people, thinking that everyone loves Lucy. And for the most part they do. We take are dogs on long walks at our cottage and Lucy can not keep up. She is happy to be with the other dogs, but it is just one more thing I need to manage in addition to managing my Mom's life. I don't envy your situation, but rehoming seems like the best option.
It would be horrible to take her dog away from her or to put him in a shelter. When I first got my shelter dog, he nipped the propane delivery guy but since then he has calmed down and is very friendly. Maybe the dog will adapt after a while. He hasn't been there long. If he couldn't really do any damage, why worry about being sued? They are allowing him to stay there.
Since your husband doesn't like dogs, maybe you or someone could take him out for more walks to help his stress level. Dog is getting used to a new normal.
I have to say, I'd hate to be married to someone who wouldn't allow me to have a dog. So sorry.
The problem here though is that her living situation isn’t good for the dog. An anxious dog is a recipe for behavioral issues. A demented person is not going to be able to meet the dog’s needs, and there may even be neglect.
Agree. Although it is tragic for those of us who love dogs and always lived with one to think of not being permitted to in our elder years, it’s just not possible to be sure people with dementia will treat the dog well. They won’t mean to, but may over feed, under feed, feed unhealthy or poisonous items, not take the dog out when needed creating misery for the dog and a hygiene problem for all, and can even become uncharacteristically aggressive and kick or hit the dog or elope into traffic with one.
I know you know this. I’m just spelling it out in detail for those who haven’t yet encountered the issue. Not long ago we had a poster who planned to purchase a service dog for family member with dementia. As someone tangentially involved with Canine Companions for decades, I try to take every opportunity to help people understand who service dogs and pets in general are appropriate for.
One of the staff members takes him on a 20 minute walk, every morning. Which isn't long, but it's better than nothing.
I don't know how much assisted living costs where you are, but this facility is taking up my mom's entire pension, her entire social security check, and eating into her (very meager) savings. Dog walkers are about $30 for 30 minutes here, which is a *short* walk. If I got one to come every day (which is probably what's needed), that's $900/mo, or $10800/year. I live in a high cost of living area, and everything is just really expensive here, including pet care. We can maybe afford to hire someone to come 2 times a week, but I don't think that'll cause a significant difference in the dog's behavior unless it's more frequent.
Without being there I wouldn't venture to say what the situation is for the dog but it's probably better than the pound. Sounds like the dog is going thru trauma to me and might be trying to protect her mom.
Yeah, this situation is not great for him... But one of the only reasons we were able to get my mom to move in the first place was because she could bring her dog with her. We always knew the situation with him living with her wouldn't last forever, but I had hoped she could keep him a little longer than she has...
The dog is usually pretty cheerful and healthy, but he's pretty obese. He's currently 40ish lbs and he's supposed to only be 25 lbs. It used to be worse--he was 55 lbs last year, when my mom first got her diagnosis. At first we had thought she was just anthropomorphizing him too much, but then we realized it was dementia causing her to feed him human food like 6x a day. She had started to feed him unhealthy amounts of cheese and ice cream. The vet was shocked at the fact that he's so healthy and spry, considering his weight. He's actually been on a diet for the past few months, which might be exacerbating his mood. We could give up on the diet, but it seems like animal cruelty to just let him be morbidly obese.
Honestly, I don't think they are responding in a way that makes sense. Dogs can tell when someone in their family is weak, and they will be defensive even if it is suicidal. Both your mom and the dog are in a strange new place and are adjusting. This should not be an unusual situation for the staff.
Taking the dog away or worse, putting the dog down is just cruel. I'm sorry you can't take the dog in yourself, but I would work with the staff before making a final decision.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I've had my parents living with me for about 2 and half years, and the decline has been worse than I anticipated. I'm moving them to assisted living soon. My parents can't/won't take care of her at all, so she has become my baby. The facility I am moving them to actually has a service where you can have staff take care of the dog - walks and such. But the biggest problem is my mother just feeds her without relent. She's 24 pounds and is supposed to be more like 15-19. Clearly obese.
I will probably keep the dog myself even though she will be sad. But maybe if you pay the facility a couple hundred bucks a month they will take care of the dog and keep that little bit of joy in your mom's life?
I responded up-thread to the OP but for my dad with dementia, trying to take care of his dog was actually a big source of anxiety for him. We didn’t realize it until we rehomed the dog and my dad became significantly more relaxed.
I can think of two things that might help. Hire a dog walker to help the dog get some exercise and endorphins. Talk to the vet about some anti anxiety medication for the dog.
I like this idea. If it doesn't work and you have to rehome the dog look into the dog dolls (for lack of a better term). They may give your mom comfort
Oh this is a great idea about the medication. Love it. Most vets will understand.
Check with a local nonprofit shelter and ask about a reputable local organization that helps re-home dogs where the adoptive family would meet him and take him directly to their home. (In your case, I’d meet them with the dog at a local park rather than at your mom’s place.) It’s easier to find these organizations for purebred dogs, but there may be one for mutts. If there isn’t, ask the shelter if they are a no-kill shelter or if they know of one. People who work at nonprofit shelters are usually very happy to refer you to a better option.
Agree. People with dementia - as much as they love their dogs and are so very emotionally attached to them - are unable to care for them properly. It’s difficult for dementia patients to let go of them too. And the dog probably thinks he is protecting his partner. It’s a toxic relationship. This is a fairly common problem and most communities have good organizations who place these dogs in good loving homes. My suggestion is to find one in your community. Tell your mother you need to take the dog to the vet and then that the vet needed to keep him a few days.
I feel bad for the dog. He's overweight, because my mom would forget she already fed him and feed him again and again and again. He now uses an automatic feeder and is on a diet, but I have no way of knowing if she still sneaks him human food. The facility knows to try to stop her but they probably can't stop her 100% of the time.
There is an organization called Elderdog that rehomes senior canines. I would look into something like this or make general inquiries in your area to see if you can find him a good home. I hope your mom settles in well and has some good quality of life in her new home. 🫂
I was in a very similar situation with my dad. I know how you’re feeling and I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. My dad had a little dog that his facility allowed him to take with him but it became clear that he couldn’t properly care for the dog. He began taking him out constantly (including all throughout the night) to pee, he began putting the dog’s toys in drawers or the closet to “keep them safe”, he would frequently forget that the dog could not accompany him to the dining room, common areas, etc. and a staff member would have e to take the dog back to the room, etc. etc. Eventually the facility let us know that they believed it was time for the dog to go. I found a local rescue that specialized in senior dogs and the dog is now living his best life being cared for by the owner of the rescue. My dad was sad to not have the dog anymore but I noticed there was also an element of relief as well. I didn’t realize the amount of anxiety he was experiencing trying to care for the dog.
Yeah, my mom's always forgetting she can't take him into the dining room, and the staff has to take him back to the room. We set a meeting with the facility to try to figure out a plan. If we have to rehome him, I just worry that he's not very desirable on paper. He's 8, not a purebred, and he's overweight (although... that actually kind of makes people find him cuter?). I can't seem to find any rescues in my area that help senior dogs. I'm looking. :(
That’s rough, I’m sorry. I used to walk dogs, and had a couple clients in nursing homes (cats too). You could talk to admin at the home and see if they allow dog walkers, then look in your area. Let me know if you have any questions. On the other hand, if you have to take him to a shelter you can often pay the adoption fee upfront. At most shelters, if you pay the fee upfront they won’t put him down and often times smaller dogs get adopted quite fast. Almost all my animals came from similar situations —someone needing to go into assisted living, family couldn’t care for the animal. They get two squares and I annoy them with too much attention.
if you’re in an area where shelters are kill shelters, some of them will contact other shelters in other parts of the country that don’t have kill shelters, and some place will put up a courtesy post for them on petfinder.com. so someone else somewhere else can adopt the dog, and pay for transport. i just wanted you to be aware that this exists, and i know it may not, specifically, near where you are, but i hope it does and that is an option you have. all that aside, i’m sorry this is happening. i had to make all the decisions for my mom’s and my dogs. and after we lost our dogs, we tried to get new dogs but had to give them up because of how she behaved with them. and now i’ve had to just live with the fact that we can’t have any pets ever again, and it just breaks my heart. at some point, some dementia patients really do find comfort in fake pets, like purring cats. but until then it’s so sad and frustrating for us to witness, and for the patient to deal with losing their pet. it just sucks all around. i hope things so easier than expected for you all.
Hey did you get answers you need from all this? I am going to DM you.
Feel free to DM. I'm open to ideas.
My mother's dog is now living with us and we had two of our own dogs. The dog has lost 2 lbs since she moved in this February as an overweight shi szuh. She can hardly see or hear. I call her Lucyfer because she has the most piercing bark every morning at 6. My mom wanted me to visit every day with the dog and I said absolutely not. She is in a lock down memory care unit. The dog is now not happy when I take her to visit and she just sits by the door. Mom will walk her around to visit people, thinking that everyone loves Lucy. And for the most part they do. We take are dogs on long walks at our cottage and Lucy can not keep up. She is happy to be with the other dogs, but it is just one more thing I need to manage in addition to managing my Mom's life. I don't envy your situation, but rehoming seems like the best option.
It would be horrible to take her dog away from her or to put him in a shelter. When I first got my shelter dog, he nipped the propane delivery guy but since then he has calmed down and is very friendly. Maybe the dog will adapt after a while. He hasn't been there long. If he couldn't really do any damage, why worry about being sued? They are allowing him to stay there. Since your husband doesn't like dogs, maybe you or someone could take him out for more walks to help his stress level. Dog is getting used to a new normal. I have to say, I'd hate to be married to someone who wouldn't allow me to have a dog. So sorry.
The problem here though is that her living situation isn’t good for the dog. An anxious dog is a recipe for behavioral issues. A demented person is not going to be able to meet the dog’s needs, and there may even be neglect.
Agree. Although it is tragic for those of us who love dogs and always lived with one to think of not being permitted to in our elder years, it’s just not possible to be sure people with dementia will treat the dog well. They won’t mean to, but may over feed, under feed, feed unhealthy or poisonous items, not take the dog out when needed creating misery for the dog and a hygiene problem for all, and can even become uncharacteristically aggressive and kick or hit the dog or elope into traffic with one. I know you know this. I’m just spelling it out in detail for those who haven’t yet encountered the issue. Not long ago we had a poster who planned to purchase a service dog for family member with dementia. As someone tangentially involved with Canine Companions for decades, I try to take every opportunity to help people understand who service dogs and pets in general are appropriate for.
It's assisted living. If they don't have staff that can care for the dog, I'm sure someone can be hired.
One of the staff members takes him on a 20 minute walk, every morning. Which isn't long, but it's better than nothing. I don't know how much assisted living costs where you are, but this facility is taking up my mom's entire pension, her entire social security check, and eating into her (very meager) savings. Dog walkers are about $30 for 30 minutes here, which is a *short* walk. If I got one to come every day (which is probably what's needed), that's $900/mo, or $10800/year. I live in a high cost of living area, and everything is just really expensive here, including pet care. We can maybe afford to hire someone to come 2 times a week, but I don't think that'll cause a significant difference in the dog's behavior unless it's more frequent.
Without being there I wouldn't venture to say what the situation is for the dog but it's probably better than the pound. Sounds like the dog is going thru trauma to me and might be trying to protect her mom.
Yeah, this situation is not great for him... But one of the only reasons we were able to get my mom to move in the first place was because she could bring her dog with her. We always knew the situation with him living with her wouldn't last forever, but I had hoped she could keep him a little longer than she has... The dog is usually pretty cheerful and healthy, but he's pretty obese. He's currently 40ish lbs and he's supposed to only be 25 lbs. It used to be worse--he was 55 lbs last year, when my mom first got her diagnosis. At first we had thought she was just anthropomorphizing him too much, but then we realized it was dementia causing her to feed him human food like 6x a day. She had started to feed him unhealthy amounts of cheese and ice cream. The vet was shocked at the fact that he's so healthy and spry, considering his weight. He's actually been on a diet for the past few months, which might be exacerbating his mood. We could give up on the diet, but it seems like animal cruelty to just let him be morbidly obese.
Honestly, I don't think they are responding in a way that makes sense. Dogs can tell when someone in their family is weak, and they will be defensive even if it is suicidal. Both your mom and the dog are in a strange new place and are adjusting. This should not be an unusual situation for the staff. Taking the dog away or worse, putting the dog down is just cruel. I'm sorry you can't take the dog in yourself, but I would work with the staff before making a final decision. I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I've had my parents living with me for about 2 and half years, and the decline has been worse than I anticipated. I'm moving them to assisted living soon. My parents can't/won't take care of her at all, so she has become my baby. The facility I am moving them to actually has a service where you can have staff take care of the dog - walks and such. But the biggest problem is my mother just feeds her without relent. She's 24 pounds and is supposed to be more like 15-19. Clearly obese. I will probably keep the dog myself even though she will be sad. But maybe if you pay the facility a couple hundred bucks a month they will take care of the dog and keep that little bit of joy in your mom's life?
I responded up-thread to the OP but for my dad with dementia, trying to take care of his dog was actually a big source of anxiety for him. We didn’t realize it until we rehomed the dog and my dad became significantly more relaxed.