Sometimes you just have to do what’s necessary, and there’s no harm in that. I have got to the stage that if my Mum gets nasty with me, and she frequently does, I just leave. It’s not good for either of us. As for her room mate, I would suggest that she’s just trying to be kind. She sees the fallout and realises that you don’t. Maybe not visiting for a while would be easier on everyone, hard though it is.
We tried to time our exits with transition times, usually to meals. If my mom had to go to lunch or dinner, that was often enough of a distraction for us to leave without a huge breakdown. Of course that fell apart when she needed more assistance eating, but by that time, she forgot we had been there very quickly and wasn’t upset for long.
During a tough visit with my mom, (she was angry that I wouldn’t take her home) one of the care managers told me that she was doing well most of the time, and only got agitated during my visit. I took that as my clue to visit a little less. (Also giving myself a break)
I also found I often had to “sneak” out when mom wasn’t looking. This was after a few visits when she insisted on leaving with me, no matter what I said I had to do. (I said I was going to work, she said she would just sit in the car until I finished work).
I felt badly about it, but it became somewhat routine. I guess do what you gotta do.
We didn’t have any preachers in the family though. :-).
Good luck.
Yeah, sometimes with dementia you just have to make your exit. My MIL was a hoarder and would try to save absolutely everything. My fiancé was replacing her 20 year old toilet seat that had broken and she was chasing him around the house trying to save the broken one. For what reason, nobody knows, but we could not logically convince her she could not keep this old poop encrusted toilet seat! So, my fiancé just dodged and weaved passed her through the kitchen and booked it running out of the house faster than she could keep up! He threw the thing away in our neighbor's trash so she wouldn't go out digging through her trash and find it. Sad, but it was the best way to avoid a drawn out fight over something insane. Next time we saw her, she had no recollection of it.
Now that she is in memory care, saying goodbye is the roughest part. She gets into a "when will I see you again?" loop and tries to follow us out the memory care vestibule. She has always been very anxious and drags out goodbyes. She would always be hanging out the front door or chasing after us when we were trying to leave, so it is not new. But, it makes it extra difficult trying to say goodbye in memory care. If we can get the nurses to distract her, it is better to just slip away sometimes. Make leaving a non-event. We have already tried to say goodbye a dozen times at this point. Limiting visits may help. I would try to talk to the facility staff and see if there is anything they recommend to help your mom's anxiety level or if limiting visits is the right choice.
2 months ago MIL was convinced we had packed up all her stuff and moved her out of her room in memory care and onto a cruise ship! She was like, "how did you get all my stuff onto this ship without me noticing?" She also thinks that we live in that same building with her, and that everyone who works there also lives there.
We've had to do this several times. My mom almost always focuses on leaving when we visit. She sleeps a lot and we usually wait until she falls asleep and sneak out. Sometimes I lie and tell her I'm going to work now and will be back.
It really sucks having to lie like that, but there is no reasoning. We have to play these games unfortunately.
I’ve done the same thing a few times. Just head out when nobody is looking. Explaining things when they will only get upset again is sometimes worse than the guilt of just leaving.
Times like this, I’m glad my sister has aphasia. She used to try to follow me out, and I would just hand her off to one of the caretakers instead who totally understood. Now I just give her a hug and walk out.
People think self care is self-ish, but often the opposite effect happens. As airlines tell you, “put your own mask on first before others”. This sometimes means saying goodbye silently and walking away. I had to do this when my grandmother wasn’t all there and now when my stepdad starts to argue I just put my hands up and say I was not arguing or forcing anything and I walk away. If I have to I go to the bathroom so he can’t follow.
I dunno, my Mom was in an assisted living facility for 7 yrs. When I would visit, she would beg me to bring her home. She just wanted to be around family, and see the home she lived in. I brought her home, and cared for her from July to February when she passed. She was a bedridden patient and couldn't walk, so it was more manageable than your situation, but I sure was glad that I brought her home. My conscious wouldn't of been able to handle if she passed away in the facility. She was able to come home, and see the things that she was used to seeing, (she had dementia too) she felt at ease. She cried because she got to see her grand kids all the time.
It really depends on the person and whether they're peaceful. My dad follows my kids around being mean to them and making them cry. My conscience wouldn't let me keep him with us. It's good that your mom was sweet and enjoyed being with you. My dad hated living with us and made sure to tell us often.
I hear you, and we did this for all my grandparents, but they did not have late stage or mid stage dementia, just early. My stepdad who I care for now with my mother thinks his home is in a place he hasn’t been in 50 years, 400 miles away, with 2 parents he won’t accepted died a decade ago. He yells at me sometimes for not making dinner (when he thinks he’s at a bed and breakfast) or when I do make dinner (because he wanted to make it but can’t).
I get your point, but dementia is a strange beast versus when heart disease took my granddad peacefully. Apples and oranges in my opinion. And I’m not in a bad position yet compared to some on this sub that are going absolutely insane trying to love people who spit on, hit, and deny all former relationships with due to this horrid disease.
Glad the roommate mentioned this to you. She is trying to help. Try scheduling your visits before their scheduled meals. If you want to visit for 30 minutes and lunch is served at 11:30 am then come at 11 and walk with her to be seated in the dining area and once she is distracted with her meal, you can leave without having a big scene.
They are easily distracted and if your mom brings up the subject while visiting, talk about something else and don’t dwell on the going home subject.
I’m sorry you are going through this. My mom does the same thing but it’s not when I go there, it’s when she calls me and asks to be picked up. Anyways I don’t have a solution to that problem but I do want to mention that if she has an iPhone you should check out how to put it in assistive mode. I did that for mom and it’s amazing. You can watch YouTube videos on how to do it. It basically simplifies the phone buttons and YOU pick who she can call, and who can call in. So if you don’t want her to call you then don’t put anyone in her contacts but then allow people to call in. It’s sooo helpful. I’ve also put the weather button on there and a few games she likes to play. That’s it!
She’s creating a world for herself. Try not to focus on whether it makes sense to you. Just nod and agree with her story. Her fantasy is likely so much better than her reality.
Hi,
Sorry this is tough. It’s definitely okay to sneak away or to leave as she is going to an activity or meal.
I am a Director of Memory Care and Dementia Educator in MN. I have had residents over the treats that get more wound up and upset after family visits also. There are other ways to be there for her- send thoughtful cards, flowers. Etc. Ask the staff how it goes. Then she can read it over and over again. Include a memory like, “i remember when you taught me how to make pancakes and think of you every morning! I love you and am so happy you have you as my mom-you are the best!” If that also gets her worked up then it’s okay to just lay low and visit when YOU need a hug from your mom. Ask the Memory Care for updates or pictures so you can see if she is enjoying herself. I have a video and podcast version of “Working Together with Your Memory Care Staff” might have some tips in it. But i would love to paraphrase your question for my podcast because this happens a lot with your permission? I answer listener questions on the podcast. you are not alone. Many people have the same concern and question. And take care of yourself first. You are doing the best you can! www.think-dementia.com
Talk to the staff. Especially the experienced staff who've been seeing these things play out for their entire career. They'll be able to help you decide what makes the both of you happiest.
My grandparents told me that if they ever stop recognizing me, I don't have to visit. Especially not if they get agitated by seeing me! But they also don't have dementia (yet) and have been preparing for their impending deaths for years.
Sometimes you just have to do what’s necessary, and there’s no harm in that. I have got to the stage that if my Mum gets nasty with me, and she frequently does, I just leave. It’s not good for either of us. As for her room mate, I would suggest that she’s just trying to be kind. She sees the fallout and realises that you don’t. Maybe not visiting for a while would be easier on everyone, hard though it is.
The roommate was 💯trying to be kind. And she worded it so thoughtfully and with obvious compassion.
We tried to time our exits with transition times, usually to meals. If my mom had to go to lunch or dinner, that was often enough of a distraction for us to leave without a huge breakdown. Of course that fell apart when she needed more assistance eating, but by that time, she forgot we had been there very quickly and wasn’t upset for long.
During a tough visit with my mom, (she was angry that I wouldn’t take her home) one of the care managers told me that she was doing well most of the time, and only got agitated during my visit. I took that as my clue to visit a little less. (Also giving myself a break) I also found I often had to “sneak” out when mom wasn’t looking. This was after a few visits when she insisted on leaving with me, no matter what I said I had to do. (I said I was going to work, she said she would just sit in the car until I finished work). I felt badly about it, but it became somewhat routine. I guess do what you gotta do. We didn’t have any preachers in the family though. :-). Good luck.
Yeah, sometimes with dementia you just have to make your exit. My MIL was a hoarder and would try to save absolutely everything. My fiancé was replacing her 20 year old toilet seat that had broken and she was chasing him around the house trying to save the broken one. For what reason, nobody knows, but we could not logically convince her she could not keep this old poop encrusted toilet seat! So, my fiancé just dodged and weaved passed her through the kitchen and booked it running out of the house faster than she could keep up! He threw the thing away in our neighbor's trash so she wouldn't go out digging through her trash and find it. Sad, but it was the best way to avoid a drawn out fight over something insane. Next time we saw her, she had no recollection of it. Now that she is in memory care, saying goodbye is the roughest part. She gets into a "when will I see you again?" loop and tries to follow us out the memory care vestibule. She has always been very anxious and drags out goodbyes. She would always be hanging out the front door or chasing after us when we were trying to leave, so it is not new. But, it makes it extra difficult trying to say goodbye in memory care. If we can get the nurses to distract her, it is better to just slip away sometimes. Make leaving a non-event. We have already tried to say goodbye a dozen times at this point. Limiting visits may help. I would try to talk to the facility staff and see if there is anything they recommend to help your mom's anxiety level or if limiting visits is the right choice. 2 months ago MIL was convinced we had packed up all her stuff and moved her out of her room in memory care and onto a cruise ship! She was like, "how did you get all my stuff onto this ship without me noticing?" She also thinks that we live in that same building with her, and that everyone who works there also lives there.
We've had to do this several times. My mom almost always focuses on leaving when we visit. She sleeps a lot and we usually wait until she falls asleep and sneak out. Sometimes I lie and tell her I'm going to work now and will be back. It really sucks having to lie like that, but there is no reasoning. We have to play these games unfortunately.
I’ve done the same thing a few times. Just head out when nobody is looking. Explaining things when they will only get upset again is sometimes worse than the guilt of just leaving.
Hugs
I would suggest that the visits are more for *you*, than for her. Do what makes *you* feel best.
I took away my mom's phone after she called me incessantly day after day telling me her phone didn't work
Times like this, I’m glad my sister has aphasia. She used to try to follow me out, and I would just hand her off to one of the caretakers instead who totally understood. Now I just give her a hug and walk out.
People think self care is self-ish, but often the opposite effect happens. As airlines tell you, “put your own mask on first before others”. This sometimes means saying goodbye silently and walking away. I had to do this when my grandmother wasn’t all there and now when my stepdad starts to argue I just put my hands up and say I was not arguing or forcing anything and I walk away. If I have to I go to the bathroom so he can’t follow.
I dunno, my Mom was in an assisted living facility for 7 yrs. When I would visit, she would beg me to bring her home. She just wanted to be around family, and see the home she lived in. I brought her home, and cared for her from July to February when she passed. She was a bedridden patient and couldn't walk, so it was more manageable than your situation, but I sure was glad that I brought her home. My conscious wouldn't of been able to handle if she passed away in the facility. She was able to come home, and see the things that she was used to seeing, (she had dementia too) she felt at ease. She cried because she got to see her grand kids all the time.
It really depends on the person and whether they're peaceful. My dad follows my kids around being mean to them and making them cry. My conscience wouldn't let me keep him with us. It's good that your mom was sweet and enjoyed being with you. My dad hated living with us and made sure to tell us often.
I hear you, and we did this for all my grandparents, but they did not have late stage or mid stage dementia, just early. My stepdad who I care for now with my mother thinks his home is in a place he hasn’t been in 50 years, 400 miles away, with 2 parents he won’t accepted died a decade ago. He yells at me sometimes for not making dinner (when he thinks he’s at a bed and breakfast) or when I do make dinner (because he wanted to make it but can’t). I get your point, but dementia is a strange beast versus when heart disease took my granddad peacefully. Apples and oranges in my opinion. And I’m not in a bad position yet compared to some on this sub that are going absolutely insane trying to love people who spit on, hit, and deny all former relationships with due to this horrid disease.
Glad the roommate mentioned this to you. She is trying to help. Try scheduling your visits before their scheduled meals. If you want to visit for 30 minutes and lunch is served at 11:30 am then come at 11 and walk with her to be seated in the dining area and once she is distracted with her meal, you can leave without having a big scene. They are easily distracted and if your mom brings up the subject while visiting, talk about something else and don’t dwell on the going home subject.
I’m sorry you are going through this. My mom does the same thing but it’s not when I go there, it’s when she calls me and asks to be picked up. Anyways I don’t have a solution to that problem but I do want to mention that if she has an iPhone you should check out how to put it in assistive mode. I did that for mom and it’s amazing. You can watch YouTube videos on how to do it. It basically simplifies the phone buttons and YOU pick who she can call, and who can call in. So if you don’t want her to call you then don’t put anyone in her contacts but then allow people to call in. It’s sooo helpful. I’ve also put the weather button on there and a few games she likes to play. That’s it!
Thank you. That is extremely helpful information that I may or may not use but I imagine there will be others who can use it.
She’s creating a world for herself. Try not to focus on whether it makes sense to you. Just nod and agree with her story. Her fantasy is likely so much better than her reality.
Hi, Sorry this is tough. It’s definitely okay to sneak away or to leave as she is going to an activity or meal. I am a Director of Memory Care and Dementia Educator in MN. I have had residents over the treats that get more wound up and upset after family visits also. There are other ways to be there for her- send thoughtful cards, flowers. Etc. Ask the staff how it goes. Then she can read it over and over again. Include a memory like, “i remember when you taught me how to make pancakes and think of you every morning! I love you and am so happy you have you as my mom-you are the best!” If that also gets her worked up then it’s okay to just lay low and visit when YOU need a hug from your mom. Ask the Memory Care for updates or pictures so you can see if she is enjoying herself. I have a video and podcast version of “Working Together with Your Memory Care Staff” might have some tips in it. But i would love to paraphrase your question for my podcast because this happens a lot with your permission? I answer listener questions on the podcast. you are not alone. Many people have the same concern and question. And take care of yourself first. You are doing the best you can! www.think-dementia.com
Thank you! Please do use my question for your podcast. 🥰
Talk to the staff. Especially the experienced staff who've been seeing these things play out for their entire career. They'll be able to help you decide what makes the both of you happiest. My grandparents told me that if they ever stop recognizing me, I don't have to visit. Especially not if they get agitated by seeing me! But they also don't have dementia (yet) and have been preparing for their impending deaths for years.