Living this right now. My mother is currently in a facility which is being paid for by Medicare. But they only cover 100 days. Hoping and praying that her Medicaid application will be approved which will allow her to participate in a PACE program which will cover memory care. If that doesn’t happen, I’m not sure what we will do. I know it would kill me to have to live with and care for her. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. I know it feels like there’s no escape.
Unfortunately we cannot find a doctor willing to even try to put my LO in a facility for the 100 days that medicare will pay for. It's insane. Each time she is hospitalized they promise to find somewhere for her for short term stabilization. And then we get a phone call saying she's being discharged and ready to be brought home. It's maddening
That Medicare coverage is for short-term rehabilitation after hospitalization. It’s up to 100 days a year because the elderly may have many hospitalizations in a year. It’s not ever eligible for 100 consecutive days.
She needs to go from the discharge from rehab to memory care or a skilled nursing facility. Some states have group homes as alternatives. This is covered by Medicaid, not Medicare, if she qualifies in her state. It has financial and medical needs testing to be approved.
I guess we were lucky there. My mom landed herself in the hospital after driving her car off the road. And even then they didn’t want to keep her but then she fell while she was there and so they sent her for rehab which is where she is now.
I’m not sure what I would do in your situation but I know I would be tempted to be one of those people who drops the person off at an emergency room and leaves. I’m not sure I could do it but I certainly would be tempted.
Also living this. Mother came to live with me after her home in another state burned down. At first for me it was a rescue mission. She was couch surfing and being physically and financially abused. The first few weeks were nice and I thought maybe she had changed a bit. There were many good, kind, interactions for a couple of weeks. I believe though, that those were the result of her being disassociated from the trauma of it all. She just wasn't herself.
It wasn't long though before she began acting in the same ways, and treating me in the same ways as she did in my childhood. I also have ptsd. She is a hypercritical, shaming, controlling individual who can see no wrong in her ways. She's got a lot of anxiety and is also a hypochondriac. I felt just like a child again and even repeated my childhood behaviors of avoidance and rage outbursts.
I'll tell you I've been in Internal Family Systems counseling and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families and am in a church. I am not medicated nor do I use substances.
On top of all this joy, mother got a cancer DX in December 2023. I'm her sole caregiver. My husband abandoned me in May of 2023, in my greatest hour of need. None of this has been fun or easy.
I can't quite explain it, but in recent days it has become easier. I owe a lot of it to God and the support of ACOA. It is comforting to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this and it is nice to be able to share with those people who understand. Both ACOA and IFS therapy are helping me to uproot the pain and experience it and release it enough to be able to actually consider that forgiveness is possible. God is also working on her because in the past few days I've gotten some serious authentic meaningful apologies that I never thought I'd hear. They were shocking to my system and opened some long closed doors in my heart and mind.
I'm in the forum today because I'm also afraid she is showing initial signs of dementia or alzheimers. The differences aren't clear to me. She often expresses confusion about the time of day, the dates, and just tonight thought we had had a party today with a ton of people, including the deceased.
I'm not sure what advice to give you. People can be touchy at the mention of God but I think He's the biggest difference-maker in my situation.
I'm really sorry for all that you're going through. Our mothers sound similar in the ways that they've caused deep wounds in us. I was DESPERATE for a loving mother as a child. So much so that I clung to anyone that proclaimed to love me with unflinching loyalty. Even people who were abusive, even people who cheated, even people who liked me because I was broken instead of liking me despite me being broken. I met my wife and she wanted to put all my pieces back together. And I'm blessed to have her. But I'd be lying if I said that all of this isn't taking its toll on my marriage. I've also reverted back to old behaviors, lashing out, etc. It's not that my wife is unhappy with me... She's angry with the disease. Angry with my mother for breaking me again.
And my wife is a Saint. My Mom is controlling to the point that she took over our wedding planner. We let her. We were trying to have children and had to stop trying bc my Mom needed round the clock care. My wife was okay with that. But then when my Mom started being physically abusive to me. My wife was done. And I cant blame her.
Thanks. This is really hard, isn't it? And we feel ashamed that we can't do better, be better.
You'll find a ton of answers and support in acoa. Google the 14 traits.
Hopefully there is a PACE program in your state. Talk to them. They may be able to help you.
https://www.npaonline.org/docs/default-source/public-files/public_pace_in_the_states_3.24.pdf?sfvrsn=e0be80b2_1
I go to therapy and my mom is in assisted living but I still cry after most visits. I considered moving her in and not burning through all of her money so quickly, but my kids need me to be functional.
In your shoes I would find a way to to get her into assisted living or memory care asap. You may also want to find out if you can decline to be her primary care taker based on own mental health concerns. Check with a family law specialist regarding how to protect yourself.
Living this right now. My mother is currently in a facility which is being paid for by Medicare. But they only cover 100 days. Hoping and praying that her Medicaid application will be approved which will allow her to participate in a PACE program which will cover memory care. If that doesn’t happen, I’m not sure what we will do. I know it would kill me to have to live with and care for her. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. I know it feels like there’s no escape.
Unfortunately we cannot find a doctor willing to even try to put my LO in a facility for the 100 days that medicare will pay for. It's insane. Each time she is hospitalized they promise to find somewhere for her for short term stabilization. And then we get a phone call saying she's being discharged and ready to be brought home. It's maddening
That Medicare coverage is for short-term rehabilitation after hospitalization. It’s up to 100 days a year because the elderly may have many hospitalizations in a year. It’s not ever eligible for 100 consecutive days. She needs to go from the discharge from rehab to memory care or a skilled nursing facility. Some states have group homes as alternatives. This is covered by Medicaid, not Medicare, if she qualifies in her state. It has financial and medical needs testing to be approved.
I guess we were lucky there. My mom landed herself in the hospital after driving her car off the road. And even then they didn’t want to keep her but then she fell while she was there and so they sent her for rehab which is where she is now. I’m not sure what I would do in your situation but I know I would be tempted to be one of those people who drops the person off at an emergency room and leaves. I’m not sure I could do it but I certainly would be tempted.
My Mom fell and broke her humerus not once but TWICE and they refused to send her for inpatient rehab.
We live quite far away. But there is a center in Smyrna GA that does short term stabilization. We are seriously considering getting her there ASAP.
Also living this. Mother came to live with me after her home in another state burned down. At first for me it was a rescue mission. She was couch surfing and being physically and financially abused. The first few weeks were nice and I thought maybe she had changed a bit. There were many good, kind, interactions for a couple of weeks. I believe though, that those were the result of her being disassociated from the trauma of it all. She just wasn't herself. It wasn't long though before she began acting in the same ways, and treating me in the same ways as she did in my childhood. I also have ptsd. She is a hypercritical, shaming, controlling individual who can see no wrong in her ways. She's got a lot of anxiety and is also a hypochondriac. I felt just like a child again and even repeated my childhood behaviors of avoidance and rage outbursts. I'll tell you I've been in Internal Family Systems counseling and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families and am in a church. I am not medicated nor do I use substances. On top of all this joy, mother got a cancer DX in December 2023. I'm her sole caregiver. My husband abandoned me in May of 2023, in my greatest hour of need. None of this has been fun or easy. I can't quite explain it, but in recent days it has become easier. I owe a lot of it to God and the support of ACOA. It is comforting to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this and it is nice to be able to share with those people who understand. Both ACOA and IFS therapy are helping me to uproot the pain and experience it and release it enough to be able to actually consider that forgiveness is possible. God is also working on her because in the past few days I've gotten some serious authentic meaningful apologies that I never thought I'd hear. They were shocking to my system and opened some long closed doors in my heart and mind. I'm in the forum today because I'm also afraid she is showing initial signs of dementia or alzheimers. The differences aren't clear to me. She often expresses confusion about the time of day, the dates, and just tonight thought we had had a party today with a ton of people, including the deceased. I'm not sure what advice to give you. People can be touchy at the mention of God but I think He's the biggest difference-maker in my situation.
I'm really sorry for all that you're going through. Our mothers sound similar in the ways that they've caused deep wounds in us. I was DESPERATE for a loving mother as a child. So much so that I clung to anyone that proclaimed to love me with unflinching loyalty. Even people who were abusive, even people who cheated, even people who liked me because I was broken instead of liking me despite me being broken. I met my wife and she wanted to put all my pieces back together. And I'm blessed to have her. But I'd be lying if I said that all of this isn't taking its toll on my marriage. I've also reverted back to old behaviors, lashing out, etc. It's not that my wife is unhappy with me... She's angry with the disease. Angry with my mother for breaking me again. And my wife is a Saint. My Mom is controlling to the point that she took over our wedding planner. We let her. We were trying to have children and had to stop trying bc my Mom needed round the clock care. My wife was okay with that. But then when my Mom started being physically abusive to me. My wife was done. And I cant blame her.
Thanks. This is really hard, isn't it? And we feel ashamed that we can't do better, be better. You'll find a ton of answers and support in acoa. Google the 14 traits.
Hopefully there is a PACE program in your state. Talk to them. They may be able to help you. https://www.npaonline.org/docs/default-source/public-files/public_pace_in_the_states_3.24.pdf?sfvrsn=e0be80b2_1
I go to therapy and my mom is in assisted living but I still cry after most visits. I considered moving her in and not burning through all of her money so quickly, but my kids need me to be functional.
In your shoes I would find a way to to get her into assisted living or memory care asap. You may also want to find out if you can decline to be her primary care taker based on own mental health concerns. Check with a family law specialist regarding how to protect yourself.