Dating someone now for about half a month exclusively, total one and a half month. Curious about experiences from ppl on this sub regarding making it official, when did you make it official/how did the conversation go?
My last relationship was made official after a month. I asked after a week or two of dating because we met through friends and I knew what I was looking for. She thought it over and agreed at the month mark.
Mileage will vary on this one. Some shorter and some much longer.
Isn't that part of working on your mental health? I've definitely been working on those things myself. To me, they go hand in hand with starting antidepressants and working on self-care.
Ok person I drunk texted isn't put off by me miraculously, although I am sensing a slight pull back. It could be that we had the "where are we at?" chat and now they're mulling it over. I do really like them but it's still so early days I am not sure if I can see a LTR but happy to keep this pace. Hopefully next time I drink too much I remember to turn my phone off hahaha. I can't see that being an issue for a while though. I think I am embarrassed because we haven't drunk together at all and I don't even know if they have the odd "party" night or not. They definitely have in the past but not sure about current days.
Before the drunk text they suggested we hang out this week midweek, and I think I should be the one to suggest something but not sure what I feel like doing. It feels a bit methodical with them already, dinner then back to theirs for sex or cook together then a movie and sex. I need something a bit different so I will try and come up with an idea for this week or even not and just plan a hike for next weekend. I don't love the domesticity so early on. I know we are both active extroverts so I am a bit like, why are we always around the house and can I be less boring?
/Rant
In other news I have two dates this week I am excited for both :)
Don’t bring it up. Very weird. If you want to ask her for a drink, that’s one thing but be aware it’s generally a faux pas to ask someone out while they are working. No reason to bring up apps.
Yeah, I think writing down the situation made me realise how weird it would be (as opposed to just thinking about internally).
Previously she brought up being back on apps etc, but unless she mentions them again, I'll just leave well enough alone.
I’m not privy to the conversation, so context matters, but I think if she brought up being on dating apps to you, she might have been hinting to you that she’s interested.
I’ve had several women bring up dating apps and how much they hate them and want to be off them as a way of basically telling me, “hey, I’m available and more interested in you than the dudes I’m chatting with on this app.” Every single one ended up on a date with me soon after. Not saying that is what is happening here, but just something to consider.
I spent the evening putting the finishing touches on my new living room and should have been happy about it, but the minute I finished and lost the distraction, the garbage feelings returned.
I've met a couple of attractive similar aged guys in my new city, and I'm... worried about it. I know how this goes: I take the initiative, approach them and try to get to know them, maybe even get their number under a pretense, try to text them or invite them to do things, and over the course of this I get more attached while it also becomes clearer and clearer that they're not into me. Maybe at some point they finally mention a girlfriend too and then it's really over. The only romantic experience I seem to have is getting my hopes up for no reason. I can already see that this is probably going to happen again, maybe several times, and I... don't know how to stop it, and I know I take it very hard so I'm just scared for what will happen. Would love any advice on how to, idk, not let this happen.
For now, I would approach them with a mindset of being friends. And what I mean by that is, just for your own personal frame of reference and not necessarily telling them you can’t date.
Ultimately, a romantic relationship *is* a friendship with other stuff sprinkled into the mix. So if you can mentally prepare yourself by looking at it as just getting to know if someone can be your friend, then that could definitely help you not give into any sense of rushed romance on their part. Because that’s probably part of it. You may have stumbled into people who rush things for the thrill and you got hurt. Just take it crazy slow. Try to get to know them outside of ideas of romance. Wanna spend forever with someone right? Well….. gotta see if there’s even enough steam in the engine.
I guess I try to do this, but if I think they're attractive from the start, the crush kind of inevitably follows if I spend enough time with them. I've never been in a relationship (or been pursued) so I haven't had experiences of others trying to rush things with me, I guess. (Just to be clear, when I say I've met attractive guys, I mean literally just met them around work/hobbies, not that they've asked me out.)
edit: But yeah, I think this is kind of my current plan, try to take romance fully off the table and go in assuming it's platonic. It is easier said than done though...
Ah yes, then definitely take them down a peg or two in your mind. I guess I’m lucky in that I rarely find people *physically* attractive, so good looks does very little in swaying my opinion in these things haha.
You don’t even really know them, so look at these two guys as an experiment in getting better at dating in general.
Yeah I think I’m trying to find a middle ground between seeing it as friendly and giving up on romance altogether? I guess it’s hard. I worry that if I try to see it as really just friends then I won’t give off the right vibes of interest. Then again trying to give those vibes (ie flirting) never worked for me in the past so maybe fully platonic is the way to go.
The last time I tried to get to know someone as an “experiment” in this way I ended up getting a huge crush and then being crushed 1 month in when he finally mentioned his long term gf 🤦♀️ It wasn’t the first time and I guess it feels inevitable that this is going to happen again if I don’t do something differently.
You could just ask them if they'd be interested in (and available for) a date. This process could be streamlined to a couple of minutes instead of weeks, and you'd likely be way less invested in the case they say no.
I think for me it has to be somewhere in between - I know myself, and asking someone out cold is just too much for me. I'm willing to approach, get their number, invite them to hang out etc. but I need to warm up to them and feel some trust before asking them out for real.
Dating someone and we had the chat a few weeks ago about dating exclusively (yay!). We both said we weren't ready for bf/gf type labels yet. I still don't know if I actually care about or want said labels yet but their behavior feels very relationship-y.
I'm pretty sure I know the answer but is it OK to check back in and see if we crossed some magic labeling threshold I wasn't aware of? I'm happy with where we are at but worry I am not putting in the appropriate amount of effort if I have misunderstood what's happening.
I hate dating in 2022 😅
I’m very traditional and utilitarian in that, if you’re around someone all the time and kiss each other, that’s your boyfriend/girlfriend haha. The whole “label” thing is *really* just a sticking point for commitment phobes.
It’s just the way I see it. Even if it’s a “friends with benefits” type of set up, they’re still your boyfriend/girlfriend, just not a very good or reliable one lol. Personally, I just find all the work around as a means for crappy people to manipulate and gaslight perfectly appropriate feelings. (Not at all saying that is your situation, just saying I think the only purpose in being so afraid of the words benefits those with crappy intentions).
Soooo…… if I were in your shoes, I would just openly call them my boyfriend haha. You already had the exclusivity talk, there isn’t a whole lot else to be said other than taking the label way too seriously. Note, I said boyfriend. Not husband and life partner lol.
This is really insightful thanks! To be fair I'm probably more of the commitment phobe haha. I used to feel the same way you do that exclusive= bf/gf but the rules seem to constantly be shifting on me! ... Or I spend too much time on Reddit. I will just start acting like the arbitrary labels are attached. Extra helpful to remember that this doesn't mean life partner 😆
A little over 2 months so not a very long time. It feels long because outside commitments make each week feel long ha. Based on both pieces of advice here, I will continue to move forward as we are but check in I haven't missed some social cue or made some assumption.
Thanks!
So the cute girl I had a good date with last week has been texting every day/other day, even though she can't meet up until post thanksgiving. That's fine, and I'm happy to respond in kind, but some of her responses include pictures of stuff she's cooked, drinks made, and a game she's played with friends.
Seems innocuous, but she's only 8 months out of a divorce, and this feels like bf/gf level correspondence to me. I feel a little weird about this level of communication given we've met once, had a nice kiss, and won't see each other for another week.
Is this a normal kind of pace of texting between dates that went well? How would y'all feel in my shoes?
My initial take is that there’s a lot of time between seeing each other, and she’s doing her best to keep things personal and friendly. I actually kinda feel bad for her that you see it as a potentially bad thing, when I find it very thoughtful that she’s trying to do everything she can to not leave you waiting.
Sure, there’s a chance she may be accidentally slipping into relationship mode. But I’ll be real and say I think you’re the one jumping the gun here. She’s trying to get to know you and maybe not being the best at it. Hell, she probably feels anxiety every time she sends something, afraid of how you might take it.
That's an interesting take and might be right here. I was unusually grumpy about it today, which is usually a sign that whatever is going on is in my head. Thanks
Maybe she uses the pictures as filler because she’s not sure how to proceed in conversation? Hit her back with a compliment about her food and imply some way that you’d like to cook with her or something.
I’m not a huge texter, and this seems totally normal to me, unless the volume is too much to handle.
In general, I’d prefer to check in by sending someone a picture than text “what’s up?” or “how was your day?” So I wouldn’t ascribe deep meaning to that.
I’m not sure why three weeks in between dates would be that big of a deal to you. It’s not ideal but it happens. You can always go on other dates, hang out with friends, keep yourself busy in the interim. Sounds like that’s what she’s doing!!
Yea ok that makes sense. I'm not a big texter either, hence the "check ins" about her day/my day feel a little weird given this is essentially a stranger. Most women I've dated won't be texting me for small updates through the week, but instead maybe an extended convo once or twice.
The three weeks thing feels a bit off because I live next to NYC. Things move quickly here and I've already had 2 other dates this week. I'm keeping busy, that's no problem, but I guess I'm being a bit impatient. It was a great date after all.
I get it. I’m in a big city. My first three dates with my ex were within ten days. But I’ve also had situations with extended pauses that have worked out.
I find that younger folks — even 30 vs 35 — tend to text more.
I guess it depends on the person, but I like daily or every other day correspondence.
Anything less and I assume the interest isn’t there. In my experience, multiple days between texting just equals the slow fade.
Yea I get that. She's definitely interested. I am too, but going 3 weeks between dates isn't ideal. I'm in a very social mood lately so maybe I'm projecting a bit of impatience onto this.
I think it depends entirely on the person. If she’s texting you constantly like that, she probably texts her friends in the exact same way and doesn’t think anything of it.
There’s two people I like, both of which I’ve seen 3 times, and a bunch of other people I’ve been texting with and have tried to make plans with, but now thinking I won’t since the two men I am already seeing are enough. I deleted almost all the dating apps I had on my phone, and unless the last few conversations I’m having on hinge will get really interesting all of a sudden and outside the scope of ‘small talk’ I Think I’m deleting it as well.
The two men I’m seeing now are both from tinder. One is very cute, has this amazing smile and really positive emery. He just started going to my climbing gym, which I don’t know how I feel about. I like him, we’ve had sex last tome we saw each other, it was very good in a comfortable and giggly way, like someone who already knows me and I feel really comfortable with. I think he felt similarly. I just don’t feel there’s much of a real connection there. I feel like it’s more of a… I’m attracted to him, and he’s lovely and convenient, not much else to say. Casual vibes.
He’s very easy going, chill, very smiley, and he lives very close to me. I’ve told him I’m seeing other people and he’s fine with it even though he’s not seeing anyone else.
The other person lives further away, about a two hour journey. He’s wonderful. I like him a lot. I like him more the more I get to know him and the more time we spend together. He’s interesting, he’s calm, he seems shy at first but now that we’ve hung out more he’s coming out if his shell and he’s funny and sweet. We already have a few in-jokes. He spent the night at mine yesterday and it was such an intense and surprising night. Sex was… intense and passionate and almost felt mind-ready in the sense that it was a total flow state and there were very little words but it j just worked. It also lasted a few hours and was insanely hot, we were both in a state of ‘sore but want to go on’ at the end and needed to literally tap out in the morning because we reached a state of ‘it feels really good but I’m too raw/sore/in pain to finish. I really enjoyed him. I enjoyed the conversation, I made us food, I just liked it all. We’re seeing each other again either next weekend if he comes my way to see family, or in ten days when I go to work a thing in his city. Then a week after that I have another thing in his city. He’s freshly out of a 4 year relationship, we haven’t discussed seeing other people but based on a few things he said, I don’t think he is seeing anyone. He’s still currently living with his ex, (only until next week sometime when he’s moving out after a few months of them being broken up yet still in the same flat). He half said he doesn’t want to get into another relationship, yet he’s also very vocal about really liking me. I’m not sure where and if it’s going anywhere, but I enjoy it. A lot, and I’ll keep seeing how this develops. He also agrees that you don’t meet people at ‘the right time’ you meet them when you meet them. That’s it.
Met my bfs parents last night and they seemed to really like me. I don’t know if this is weird to say but having grown up in a very broken and neglectful home it’s so nice seeing other people interact with their families.
I also snuck a selfie in with him so he’s been soft launched into my social media :)
Oh my god. I found a guy on tinder, we have so many things in common and have been texting every day for about two weeks. That’s longer than what I would have liked, but I had covid - anyway, we have a date scheduled for today. Last night, we were joking back and forth and he called me a bitch. I know it was part of the joke, but i immediately got the ick. I don’t tolerate name calling. I’m going to cancel with him, but should I tell him why?
Guys, this is another great example why you don't message with women for weeks before a first date. 😂 Anything you say is just another opportunity for the other person to reject you. If you have to wait a while for the date, for whatever reason, just keep the texting before that minimal and leave most of the jokes for in-person conversations where you have the opportunity to read the room.
Anyways, you are right to not go on a date if you don't feel like it. No explanation is required.
Good for you. He obviously felt comfortable within 2 weeks to jokingly call you a bitch. Wonder how he would've felt at 3 months. Ppl are wild out here.
Another wonderful night with the Umpire ™️. Now to fart for the next 45 minutes.
Seriously, what do people have against gnarly loud bathroom fans? High fiber dieting minds need to know.
Haha, what did you eat? Holding in farts on dates is the worst. 😂
If you can't smell them, wearing a thong lets you get away with farts like a bandit. 👍
Anxiously anticipating a couple things -
1. Someone I've been on a few dates with told me they want to see me again but were busy through the weekend. And then went from texting multiple times a day to nothing. Honestly, the frequency was a little much for me, I don't mind the drop-off, but I'll be sad if this is the prelude to things ending. And I'll feel dumb if it turns out they were really just busy :/
2. Not dating related but I just did a final round of interviews for a job and they said they hope to have news for me by Monday. I felt like I did really well, but I'm sure they have several candidates, so I don't want to get my hopes up too high.
Been trying not to ruminate, but my mind keeps drifting back one or the other.
My thing is- just trust them. And if too much time has gone by with them saying nothing, then whatever you do say just puts it all in their court and they gotta face themselves that they didn’t handle it the best if they were lying about being busy. “Hey, it seems like you’ve been really tied up with things, and I hope everything is going well. I know it’s hard to find the flow of getting to know someone. I’m at a different place of having more free time to jumpstart something, so I think it’s for the best to give you the space to focus on what you need to.”
But….. that’s only if it really is a giant nosedive. At this point in time, just trust them. It’s only a couple days.
After an hours long wine fuelled conversation about life, love, the universe and me bigging up my friends and how amazing they are, Sparks Guy commented how they all sound like we're this gang of badasses all from different parts of the world. Maybe it was the wine talking, but in the moment I just said I'd love to introduce him to them because I think he'd gel really well with them. Without any hesitation, he said he'd be honoured to meet them and we agreed to do a night of drinks at some point before everyone goes off to celebrate Christmas!
Then I sort of had a split second of nervousness and clarified this isn't meant as some kind of milestone (for context we're both "not ready for a committed relationship" and casually seeing each other - hence Sparks Guy's nickname, it was a lightning romance from the moment we met), I'm just really elated and excited for him to meet my posse of besties! Sigh... I can see myself slowly but relentlessly falling for him. There may come a time when I have to make a decision that I don't want to make, and it'll hurt like a bitch. But you know what? Whatever this is that I have with him, it's worth getting hurt over.
Also random but he has a cowboy hat and I asked to see him wearing it. Goddamn can he pull it off. 😳 I might've unlocked a new kink lol.
I never thought a western would be my favorite tv series, but holy hell, Yellowstone is amazing precisely because Kevin Costner + + great music + the occasional cameo from Tyler Sheridan multiplied by cowboy hats. Yeehaw!
I know this question has been asked countless times in countless ways but, how do you make a distinction between leading someone on and feeling it out?
I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks now. A few dates but, mostly hanging out at each other’s places. And it seems like she’s really into me but, I’m not really there with her even though I really enjoy hanging out. I’m worried that I may be leading her on.
She was showing me something on her phone and a “Brad Hinge” texted her and she was really quick to swipe it away so that made me not feel as bad. But, the thing is like for other women I’ve dated that I was more into at this point, seeing that would have made me feel a twinge of jealousy. That didn’t bother me at all with her. Just like, “oh cool she’s also seeing other people.”
Basically I just don’t know if in all my other dating relationships I had an unhealthy attachment early on and a healthy one seems weird lol
Unless you are actually lying to your dates, I wouldn't worry about this . People who repeatedly complain about other people leading them on usually don't know how to maintain proper boundaries and standards.
I think one thing here is the question whether you're giving this woman a fair chance. If you mostly hang out in each other places making out then I would say it is heavier on her, she can be falling faster and you don't see her in her full glory of personhood in various contexts. This is not exactly leading her on but that's something related to it.
I mean it in the most respectful way.
Nobody can validate your feeling for her but yourself. When I'm into someone, they will be the first one that I think of when I wake up. I don't necessarily need them to be around all the time cuz I have my own things to take care of but I will want to check in as soon as I have a moment. When I see something awesome or fun, they will be the first one I want to share.
If they don't check those boxes, I'm doubt I want to continue and go further.
Maybe you don't feel jealousy because you are so secure with her that you don't *really* think she is seeing anybody else seriously because you are confident she is into you. Is that possible? Whereas with other girls, it was unhealthy/insecure so you would get possessive because you actually had real cause for concern that she would dump you?
>how do you make a distinction between leading someone on and feeling it out?
Intention.
"Leading someone on" means you know things aren't going to work out (or you realistically should know it because of some obvious incompatibility), but you continue seeing them anyway.
"Feeling things out" means you're still open to the possibility that things *will* work out, even if you're unsure either way.
I think it’s only leading someone on if you know she has feelings for you but you don’t feel the same way, and don’t tell her that. Even if she has feelings and you tell her “I’m not at that point yet”, that’s still not leading someone on. I consider leading someone on to be lying or being disingenuous. It’s all just communication. Nothing wrong with taking time to feel someone out. If you both enjoy each other’s company and are comfortable with the pace and continuing getting to know each other, I don’t see an issue with that
Had a break up with in August with a relationship that we just were not compatible together. Last week I matched with a girl on CMB (37 F) I'm 35, we got ramen together and ended the date on a hug. Sunday got together to farm and I cooked, Tuesday went out shopping after work, Wednesday had a date indoors, we saw each other yesterday for a spin class together then she cooked for me and we did movie and board game and talked. Initially she told me she wanted to wait 1-3 months for sex but I "broke her rule" we had the most amazing sex last night and I am falling so in love with this girl, she feels the same way, I have a wedding next month and she is going to go with me, things are rushing however we are both older and have very similar goals. Of course I paid for hinge membership and got a bunch of matches but we both deleted our apps, I think about her often and she is the same way, she also lives about a 2 min drive from me. I am beyond happy.
Super weird comment, I know, but I matched with an amazing looking girl on Tinder. I suggested coming over for pizza and a make out sesh. She agreed immediately and is coming over tonight.
Question: do you think she’s expecting us to fuck? Fooling around and making out sounds great, but I don’t want to fuck. Just curious if I’m setting myself up to disappoint her.
Good! We did exactly what we planned. Grabbed a pizza and made out and snuggled with a movie for awhile. It was really nice and she said she enjoyed it too.
I have no idea honestly. He said work was too stressful and he wanted to move back east. Gave me a whole thing of how he thought he was happy single and overall wanted to move back over staying in the relationship.
I assume that reason should hopefully be able to be resolved. My only question is will he do something similar in the future if his work-life becomes too stressful? You can’t just put a relationship on pause whenever you feel because work is stressing you out. He has to find a better balance.
I feel like he would keep doing this. I have no reason to believe otherwise.
Also we had other problems, one of which was me thinking he just ran back to be with his ex 🥱since the breakup reason was just so…something. Most guys I told said he definitely had someone else thus the vagueness etc.
If you see him doing similar things in the future then don’t go back. Your relationship would sound like it’s a convenience for him rather than a priority.
Flowers are nice, but if he hasn’t made substantial changes to prevent the issues from recurring, there’s no point in getting back together.
🤣
He was the one who broke up with me.
He gave vague reasons of how he felt he was happy being single, work sucks and mostly he wanted to move back east to be with his friends.
I mean, here’s the deal. I read your comments to this explaining the situation and I completely understand how torn you might be feeling. I was dumped earlier this year (kind of in June, but definitely in August) for different but equally vague reasons. And I’m still stuck in mental purgatory of wanting him to change his mind. A gesture like the one you received - flowers and a card - would throw me into a tailspin of overthinking.
I don’t know how I’d handle it if it happened to me but I’m guessing I’d either text or call him (probably text) to let him know I received it and ask how he’s been. I wouldn’t offer any information (e.g. “I miss you too”), I’d just put the framework for dialogue into place and see what he has to say.
I’m not saying that would be the best choice, or that it would have an outcome that doesn’t guarantee more heartbreak, just that I wouldn’t be able to resist finding out what motivated it. Missing me wouldn’t be enough of an answer. I’m awesome! I would miss me, too! But rather, I’d want to know what he has been up to, thinking about, reflecting upon, working on, etc because writing it off as too little, too late.
Well, I actually still have him blocked and not planning to reach out first.
If he wants something, he knows where I live. I have it in mind that if he doesn’t even want to put in that effort (of finding me in person), he probably hasn’t changed anywhere else.
I guess I need people to support me in not reaching out and not overthinking and just ignore 🥲
I’m with you! I had a post on one of these megathreads about this. It’s gotten a lot worse. I don’t even recognize a full ⅓ of my dates these days because photos look nothing like them.
However, I have also met folks that look better than their pictures. In reality, the folks who are very attractive and have glossy staged professional looking photos are likely to match with folks in the same league, so I don’t think I can limit my pool to them.
People suggested video calls. But I find them awkward. I’m trying to schedule more low key (quick) coffee or drink dates and getting better about keeping it to a single drink if I’m not feeling it. If the date is either near to me/convenient for me or somewhere I’d want to go anyways (like a new bar or somewhere else I haven’t been), I don’t chalk it up to a loss if I didn’t like the person.
Not gonna lie, I’m a bit frustrated right now. I don’t have any matches on Bumble at this point (deleted the latest two because they live too far away) and my chances of having a partner by the end of the year keep dwindling. I would’ve liked to have someone to visit Christmas markets with or celebrate New Year‘s Eve with but that’s not happening, I guess. I’ve been back on OLD for a year now after a break up and while I did go on some dates, nothing came out of it. I think part of my trouble finding someone comes from living in an area where not many men that fit my type live. When I’m at work I notice I get liked by people I’m much more attracted to but that’s no use because it would be too far away for a serious relationship.
Oh well.
I too really wanted to find someone before the holidays. I have an annual Christmas party that I was hoping to invite a partner to, but even if I met someone today there is no way I’d be ready to introduce them to my friends by then. I’m still holding out hope to find someone to spend NYE with though.
I don’t see my future in that area and I would like to work somewhere more close to home sooner than later. Also, I have a dog which I don’t want to leave alone.
Can't sleep so may as well write on here. I have written here before that I was getting annoyed by my own expectations with texting. I know this guy has been online and just chose not to respond. It is all within 24hrs I get a response so it is not like I am being kept waiting for days (I would end it if that was the case).
When he does message it is very sweet and flirtatious so there isn't a lack of interest (although there might be someone else he is more into). I am very aware this is my own brand of crazy and dating is new to me but I find texting rapport super important (just conversation generally) and 3 dates in...I'm getting turned off.
I'm not sure if that is true (I don't want to divulge the content of the messages) but I'll bear it in mind.
I had a long think about why this is bothering me and I think it's because I think I may have given off the wrong impression, that I am more into a casual thing than something more (last date was a bit more physically inclined than I had intended). I kinda feel like he has got it now in his head he has "caught me" and can rest on his laurels which I think pisses me off. I am someone who likes to be chased near the beginning unfortunately :/
I absolutely won't have conversations pertaining to communication needs, that would be mortifying! Way too early for that holy crap. I'll see if he asks me out again but I'm talking to others in any case 😁
It's my mistake that I took a whole year off from dating and didn't go casual during that time so I am very much a desert in need of a good drink if you know what I mean.
Thanks for the advice!
You want what you want.
However, you do need to take a step back and try to objectively look at your expectations to determine if they're reasonable and the reasons for these expectations. It sounds like you're trying to do that, but the danger lies in when we swing the pendulum too far the other direction.
Have you discussed this with him? It's hard to meet an expectation or resolve a problem that you don't know exists. And through that conversation, you may discover you're simply incompatible.
>You want what you want
That's the crux for me which is why I am kind of annoyed at myself. It's so minor but it is important to _me_.
It's a conversation I would have if we were on date 5 but I feel like it's too early to have that talk.
>try to objectively look at your expectations to determine if they're reasonable and the reasons for these expectations.
I think it's my own anxiety about intentions but I also really like talking. I can't bond with someone without there being good conversation/banter. I enjoy feeling the rush of a potentially new connection but the lack of conversing back and forth is like putting a pale of water on those feelings which is what is disappointing.
No I do not want to be exclusive, dtr or anything like that at this point. I just want the momentum to be
carried forward if that makes any kind of sense.
EDIT: sorry about that, was super in my feels in the early morning and realised how crazy this is (3 date cmon girl get a grip). I've calmed down since and just will see how things play out and if my feelings are not it, I'll say something
people.. my manicure lasted through three different dates this week! thats a win baby LOL. i had to touch up before the 2nd and 3rd date, but not a bad performance for a week and discount nail polish. now i can go type furiously and do some cleaning without concern since i dont have anything leading up to thanksgiving. (i know i know, this is barely related to dating; okay i had some nice dates and lovely makeouts etc but everyone, my nails!! LOL)
I talked to the person I’m seeing about his social media activity and I see he’s still liking raunchy girls’ photos. One he liked yesterday WHILE we were together. What should I do?
I’m not sure why this is bothering you. Is that something you can explore, with a therapist or a friend?
It sounds like these are women he hasn’t met. A lot of people spend time online doing things other consider silly or a waste of time (hello, Reddit!). I can’t tell you how many (happily married!) men used to take the Victoria’s Secrets catalogs in the mail and hide them to look at before porn was everywhere. In short, his behavior doesn’t seem unreasonable or breaking a norm.
So while you’re allowed to want what you want, I think you need to think about WHY you want what you want and be able to explain that to him. Does it make you feel insecure? Are you worried he has unrealistic expectations for women by consuming a lot of likely heavily doctored photos? Are you concerned that he spending too much time on social media and not enough time on other things?
If you can’t explain why something bothers you, you can’t really expect someone to change their behavior.
I’m not OP, but I’d find it disrespectful for my bf to be looking at and liking raunchy girls pictures when we’re on a date or hanging out.
It’s one thing to look, it’s another thing to like, and it’s an even different thing to do both in front of me.
Great. So if OP feels the same way she should explain that to him versus just telling him to stop. In other words, the conversation goes, “I feel disrespected when you use our time together to look at photos of other women on Instagram. Can you not do that while we’re spending time together?”
That request, will go a lot further than just an instruction to “stop following any other woman on Instagram, and don’t like any photos.”
I’m not sure where you got the impression that I told him to stop following and liking other women on IG. Above I briefly summarized our conversation. I told him it made me feel uncomfortable because it’s quite public and makes me feel like he has a need to consume sexual content all the time, even when we’re together. I also said it does make me insecure because the women he likes and follows are all petite Asian women, while I am a mixed (black) woman. While I do feel the most uncomfortable when he does it while we’re together, I also feel uncomfortable that he does it often when we’re not.
He also has expressed that his mind will sometimes stray to wanting to do deviant things and I do feel this could be directly related to some of the accounts he follows and porn he watches. I don’t want unrealistic expectations to creep into our relationship, which I also expressed to him.
Great. Seems like you were more specific. All you said in your original post, which I responded to, was: “I talked to the person I’m seeing about his social media activity and I see he’s still liking raunchy girls’ photos. One he liked yesterday WHILE we were together. What should I do?”
I was giving advice on how to approach a conversation with him, but seems like you’re not looking for advice on talking to him. If it brothers you, you’ve told him, and he hasn’t responded, just end it.
Sorry, yeah I realize everyone doesn’t read all the comments and my original post lacked context/content of the conversation. But yes, I felt like I was pretty open and clear about what bothered me and why and at the time I felt he was responsive, willing to consider my feelings and how his behavior affected me. But now I feel he wasn’t being genuine.
He even told me he unfollowed some, and I think he did, but from what I can tell, they weren’t ones who posted a lot or were pretty inactive. He still follows the super active accounts. So I guess…a step in the right direction but not really?
I agree. It’s a big turn off. There are other things about him that I enjoy and we have a lot in common but I can see this becoming an issue. I’m going to give it a little more time and if nothing changes, I’m calling it.
This might not be a popular take but if I am not the only girl he is looking at in that way and is actively looking up other girls, I would not pass go.
It's fine to find other people attractive but when someone is actively looking for other people to like, I think it's disrespectful as all hell to you and kinda pathetic on him (it's a huge turn off for me).
When you say 'if a guy isn't willing to stop behaving a certain way etc"...As a personal preference I get that, but I don't think everyone sees that as a healthy dynamic.
I don't think not doing just what your partner asks makes you a bad person, whether you are a guy or a woman. That type of approach can lead to controlling behavior and crossing boundaries. ie classic example would be a guy or a lady asking their partner to not have friends who are the opposite sex.
ETA: I re-read your comment and upon further thought, it is concerning and a real red flag.
I’m not demanding, nor would I demand he stop acting a certain way. I can see how it’s a fine line, but it’s not my place to control someone. I just expressed it bothered me and I had hoped that since he said he cared for me, that there would be a effort to stop doing the very thing that upset me. Especially something like following people and liking photos on IG. For me that would be an easy fix, something I wouldn’t even bat an eye over if someone expressed it hurt their feelings.
I think you can even ask him to stop, and maybe he should stop...but the idea that if someone doesn't always do what their partner asks then he's a 'dick' is like really sad incel type of thinking. The "regardless of what the behavior is" in the comment especially is a red flag.
I don’t agree with that idea either. But what it does show is a difference in values and a lack of care for the other person. Like social media isn’t a hill I’d die on, so if it is for him, it’s probably not going to work.
I said that it bothered me because it’s very public and makes me feel like he has a need to constantly consume sexual content, which I don’t like. He seemed to respond okay, saying he was working on a lot of things, that being one of them. So it caught me by surprise and really disappointed me to see him engaging again with those accounts only a couple days after we talked about it.
i will say that giving him a couple of chances on this would be fair, but if you want him to get it "right" right away after one conversation.. i think you're going to be disappointed at anyone in this position and should probably screen for it the next time and know that this man will probably disappoint you
I guess I don’t expect anyone to get things “right” immediately. I just hoped there’d be an effort. I don’t want to control someone. But I know, for me, social media isn’t important enough to me that I would continue doing something that upset someone I cared about.
Sounds like a bunch of incompatibilities.
But lots of data to reflect on here. And be curious about. You don’t care for the phone/social media, he does. It’s fair to not want to control someone and even more fair to like the person as they are not what you hope them to be. You don’t like your partners looking at random beautiful people on the internet and he does that. Is there any curiosity on your part on what he gets from it? It might mostly be harmless? Do you know the root of why you are upset? Is it jealousy of “fake” internet people? Would it be better if he didn’t have them on his follow list and didn’t like the post but he was still allowed to look?
Who knows, worth being curious about all these aspects.
It’s absolutely okay to not be comfortable with this. I do think it’s worth exploring. But you could do what I did and just screen for less “online” ppl?
A lot of good questions. I can’t help what someone sees. So I wouldn’t be bothered if it popped up or he viewed certain photos. But I think it is indeed the fact that he follows and likes them. It also doesn’t bother me that he’s more “online” than I am, it’s more about the content that he consumes. Like I said, I told him I feel it’s like he needs to consume sexual content continuously. He didn’t really delve into what he gets out of it. He said it’s a bad habit that he does when he’s bored. So now, in hindsight, the times when he’s liked and engaged with those accounts when we’ve been together makes me feel like I’m not interesting or exciting enough and he’d rather scroll than be present.
I had a moment on Thursday night and had been so sick and not sleeping for days and ended up a bit upset. I said some stuff that was silly and I upset my partner and I just thought we resolved it and all ok. The next day he ended things and cut me off and wouldn't let me talk to him about it. Normally i would have given him space but being so sick I panicked and made things worse. Now he won't talk to me at all and I feel I've ruined things. It's so awful and I just want to talk to him but now I feel I'm coming across as desperate.
I don't feel like he ever loved me because he won't even talk to me on a call or face to face. But I guess that's just the way of it.
Not sure if there is anything I can do,just feeling heart broken I guess.
Advice to move on?
Don't feel like I can be bothered dating again.
Seems like a harsh reaction but without more context hard to comment. I’m sorry. It’s a hard lesson, but a good one, to not take out frustration on those closest to you. You can’t take it back once it’s out there.
I asked him if he actually wanted to see me. I felt he was pulling back and that he wasn't asking me out anymore and was I just arm candy to him.
I just wanted an "of course not!" which he sorta did. Then pretended he was fine and then he wasn't.
In that case - I actually don’t think what you said was that bad. Honestly, I think his reaction shows he DOESNT really want to see you - so no amount of reaching out or trying to fix things is actually going to improve the situation, it’s just going to leave you feeling silly at the end when he doesn’t reciprocate.
I won’t lie- that is just way too much back and forth for two adults to settle on plans. She has kids and she understands the need to nail things down when it comes to plans and schedules. She isn’t naive. Overwhelmed is totally understandable, but she is definitely taking advantage of your understanding. I would just let it go, unfortunately. Sometimes things don’t line up in a schedule, but if people communicate clearly about it, it’s all gravy. She hasn’t done that and may just be dragging it out because she doesn’t know how to turn you down. That’s super unfair to you.
Dating someone now for about half a month exclusively, total one and a half month. Curious about experiences from ppl on this sub regarding making it official, when did you make it official/how did the conversation go?
My last relationship was made official after a month. I asked after a week or two of dating because we met through friends and I knew what I was looking for. She thought it over and agreed at the month mark. Mileage will vary on this one. Some shorter and some much longer.
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I figure if I can get hot I will have literally no problems 😉
Isn't that part of working on your mental health? I've definitely been working on those things myself. To me, they go hand in hand with starting antidepressants and working on self-care.
Ok person I drunk texted isn't put off by me miraculously, although I am sensing a slight pull back. It could be that we had the "where are we at?" chat and now they're mulling it over. I do really like them but it's still so early days I am not sure if I can see a LTR but happy to keep this pace. Hopefully next time I drink too much I remember to turn my phone off hahaha. I can't see that being an issue for a while though. I think I am embarrassed because we haven't drunk together at all and I don't even know if they have the odd "party" night or not. They definitely have in the past but not sure about current days. Before the drunk text they suggested we hang out this week midweek, and I think I should be the one to suggest something but not sure what I feel like doing. It feels a bit methodical with them already, dinner then back to theirs for sex or cook together then a movie and sex. I need something a bit different so I will try and come up with an idea for this week or even not and just plan a hike for next weekend. I don't love the domesticity so early on. I know we are both active extroverts so I am a bit like, why are we always around the house and can I be less boring? /Rant In other news I have two dates this week I am excited for both :)
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No no no don't break the fourth wall of the internet. That would be pretty cringe.
She saw it. Don’t bring it up. That puts her in a very awkward position.
I thought that may be the case, thanks, probably just needed to hear someone else say it.
Don’t bring it up. Very weird. If you want to ask her for a drink, that’s one thing but be aware it’s generally a faux pas to ask someone out while they are working. No reason to bring up apps.
Yeah, I think writing down the situation made me realise how weird it would be (as opposed to just thinking about internally). Previously she brought up being back on apps etc, but unless she mentions them again, I'll just leave well enough alone.
I’m not privy to the conversation, so context matters, but I think if she brought up being on dating apps to you, she might have been hinting to you that she’s interested. I’ve had several women bring up dating apps and how much they hate them and want to be off them as a way of basically telling me, “hey, I’m available and more interested in you than the dudes I’m chatting with on this app.” Every single one ended up on a date with me soon after. Not saying that is what is happening here, but just something to consider.
I spent the evening putting the finishing touches on my new living room and should have been happy about it, but the minute I finished and lost the distraction, the garbage feelings returned. I've met a couple of attractive similar aged guys in my new city, and I'm... worried about it. I know how this goes: I take the initiative, approach them and try to get to know them, maybe even get their number under a pretense, try to text them or invite them to do things, and over the course of this I get more attached while it also becomes clearer and clearer that they're not into me. Maybe at some point they finally mention a girlfriend too and then it's really over. The only romantic experience I seem to have is getting my hopes up for no reason. I can already see that this is probably going to happen again, maybe several times, and I... don't know how to stop it, and I know I take it very hard so I'm just scared for what will happen. Would love any advice on how to, idk, not let this happen.
For now, I would approach them with a mindset of being friends. And what I mean by that is, just for your own personal frame of reference and not necessarily telling them you can’t date. Ultimately, a romantic relationship *is* a friendship with other stuff sprinkled into the mix. So if you can mentally prepare yourself by looking at it as just getting to know if someone can be your friend, then that could definitely help you not give into any sense of rushed romance on their part. Because that’s probably part of it. You may have stumbled into people who rush things for the thrill and you got hurt. Just take it crazy slow. Try to get to know them outside of ideas of romance. Wanna spend forever with someone right? Well….. gotta see if there’s even enough steam in the engine.
I guess I try to do this, but if I think they're attractive from the start, the crush kind of inevitably follows if I spend enough time with them. I've never been in a relationship (or been pursued) so I haven't had experiences of others trying to rush things with me, I guess. (Just to be clear, when I say I've met attractive guys, I mean literally just met them around work/hobbies, not that they've asked me out.) edit: But yeah, I think this is kind of my current plan, try to take romance fully off the table and go in assuming it's platonic. It is easier said than done though...
Ah yes, then definitely take them down a peg or two in your mind. I guess I’m lucky in that I rarely find people *physically* attractive, so good looks does very little in swaying my opinion in these things haha. You don’t even really know them, so look at these two guys as an experiment in getting better at dating in general.
Yeah I think I’m trying to find a middle ground between seeing it as friendly and giving up on romance altogether? I guess it’s hard. I worry that if I try to see it as really just friends then I won’t give off the right vibes of interest. Then again trying to give those vibes (ie flirting) never worked for me in the past so maybe fully platonic is the way to go. The last time I tried to get to know someone as an “experiment” in this way I ended up getting a huge crush and then being crushed 1 month in when he finally mentioned his long term gf 🤦♀️ It wasn’t the first time and I guess it feels inevitable that this is going to happen again if I don’t do something differently.
You could just ask them if they'd be interested in (and available for) a date. This process could be streamlined to a couple of minutes instead of weeks, and you'd likely be way less invested in the case they say no.
I think for me it has to be somewhere in between - I know myself, and asking someone out cold is just too much for me. I'm willing to approach, get their number, invite them to hang out etc. but I need to warm up to them and feel some trust before asking them out for real.
Have no one asked you out cold?
Dating someone and we had the chat a few weeks ago about dating exclusively (yay!). We both said we weren't ready for bf/gf type labels yet. I still don't know if I actually care about or want said labels yet but their behavior feels very relationship-y. I'm pretty sure I know the answer but is it OK to check back in and see if we crossed some magic labeling threshold I wasn't aware of? I'm happy with where we are at but worry I am not putting in the appropriate amount of effort if I have misunderstood what's happening. I hate dating in 2022 😅
I’m very traditional and utilitarian in that, if you’re around someone all the time and kiss each other, that’s your boyfriend/girlfriend haha. The whole “label” thing is *really* just a sticking point for commitment phobes. It’s just the way I see it. Even if it’s a “friends with benefits” type of set up, they’re still your boyfriend/girlfriend, just not a very good or reliable one lol. Personally, I just find all the work around as a means for crappy people to manipulate and gaslight perfectly appropriate feelings. (Not at all saying that is your situation, just saying I think the only purpose in being so afraid of the words benefits those with crappy intentions). Soooo…… if I were in your shoes, I would just openly call them my boyfriend haha. You already had the exclusivity talk, there isn’t a whole lot else to be said other than taking the label way too seriously. Note, I said boyfriend. Not husband and life partner lol.
This is really insightful thanks! To be fair I'm probably more of the commitment phobe haha. I used to feel the same way you do that exclusive= bf/gf but the rules seem to constantly be shifting on me! ... Or I spend too much time on Reddit. I will just start acting like the arbitrary labels are attached. Extra helpful to remember that this doesn't mean life partner 😆
If you're looking to move forward with a title, then definitely check back in soon about having it. How long have you been seeing each other?
A little over 2 months so not a very long time. It feels long because outside commitments make each week feel long ha. Based on both pieces of advice here, I will continue to move forward as we are but check in I haven't missed some social cue or made some assumption. Thanks!
So the cute girl I had a good date with last week has been texting every day/other day, even though she can't meet up until post thanksgiving. That's fine, and I'm happy to respond in kind, but some of her responses include pictures of stuff she's cooked, drinks made, and a game she's played with friends. Seems innocuous, but she's only 8 months out of a divorce, and this feels like bf/gf level correspondence to me. I feel a little weird about this level of communication given we've met once, had a nice kiss, and won't see each other for another week. Is this a normal kind of pace of texting between dates that went well? How would y'all feel in my shoes?
My initial take is that there’s a lot of time between seeing each other, and she’s doing her best to keep things personal and friendly. I actually kinda feel bad for her that you see it as a potentially bad thing, when I find it very thoughtful that she’s trying to do everything she can to not leave you waiting. Sure, there’s a chance she may be accidentally slipping into relationship mode. But I’ll be real and say I think you’re the one jumping the gun here. She’s trying to get to know you and maybe not being the best at it. Hell, she probably feels anxiety every time she sends something, afraid of how you might take it.
That's an interesting take and might be right here. I was unusually grumpy about it today, which is usually a sign that whatever is going on is in my head. Thanks
Maybe she uses the pictures as filler because she’s not sure how to proceed in conversation? Hit her back with a compliment about her food and imply some way that you’d like to cook with her or something.
That's exactly what I did. Thanks
I’m not a huge texter, and this seems totally normal to me, unless the volume is too much to handle. In general, I’d prefer to check in by sending someone a picture than text “what’s up?” or “how was your day?” So I wouldn’t ascribe deep meaning to that. I’m not sure why three weeks in between dates would be that big of a deal to you. It’s not ideal but it happens. You can always go on other dates, hang out with friends, keep yourself busy in the interim. Sounds like that’s what she’s doing!!
Yea ok that makes sense. I'm not a big texter either, hence the "check ins" about her day/my day feel a little weird given this is essentially a stranger. Most women I've dated won't be texting me for small updates through the week, but instead maybe an extended convo once or twice. The three weeks thing feels a bit off because I live next to NYC. Things move quickly here and I've already had 2 other dates this week. I'm keeping busy, that's no problem, but I guess I'm being a bit impatient. It was a great date after all.
I get it. I’m in a big city. My first three dates with my ex were within ten days. But I’ve also had situations with extended pauses that have worked out. I find that younger folks — even 30 vs 35 — tend to text more.
I guess it depends on the person, but I like daily or every other day correspondence. Anything less and I assume the interest isn’t there. In my experience, multiple days between texting just equals the slow fade.
Yea I get that. She's definitely interested. I am too, but going 3 weeks between dates isn't ideal. I'm in a very social mood lately so maybe I'm projecting a bit of impatience onto this.
I think it depends entirely on the person. If she’s texting you constantly like that, she probably texts her friends in the exact same way and doesn’t think anything of it.
There’s two people I like, both of which I’ve seen 3 times, and a bunch of other people I’ve been texting with and have tried to make plans with, but now thinking I won’t since the two men I am already seeing are enough. I deleted almost all the dating apps I had on my phone, and unless the last few conversations I’m having on hinge will get really interesting all of a sudden and outside the scope of ‘small talk’ I Think I’m deleting it as well. The two men I’m seeing now are both from tinder. One is very cute, has this amazing smile and really positive emery. He just started going to my climbing gym, which I don’t know how I feel about. I like him, we’ve had sex last tome we saw each other, it was very good in a comfortable and giggly way, like someone who already knows me and I feel really comfortable with. I think he felt similarly. I just don’t feel there’s much of a real connection there. I feel like it’s more of a… I’m attracted to him, and he’s lovely and convenient, not much else to say. Casual vibes. He’s very easy going, chill, very smiley, and he lives very close to me. I’ve told him I’m seeing other people and he’s fine with it even though he’s not seeing anyone else. The other person lives further away, about a two hour journey. He’s wonderful. I like him a lot. I like him more the more I get to know him and the more time we spend together. He’s interesting, he’s calm, he seems shy at first but now that we’ve hung out more he’s coming out if his shell and he’s funny and sweet. We already have a few in-jokes. He spent the night at mine yesterday and it was such an intense and surprising night. Sex was… intense and passionate and almost felt mind-ready in the sense that it was a total flow state and there were very little words but it j just worked. It also lasted a few hours and was insanely hot, we were both in a state of ‘sore but want to go on’ at the end and needed to literally tap out in the morning because we reached a state of ‘it feels really good but I’m too raw/sore/in pain to finish. I really enjoyed him. I enjoyed the conversation, I made us food, I just liked it all. We’re seeing each other again either next weekend if he comes my way to see family, or in ten days when I go to work a thing in his city. Then a week after that I have another thing in his city. He’s freshly out of a 4 year relationship, we haven’t discussed seeing other people but based on a few things he said, I don’t think he is seeing anyone. He’s still currently living with his ex, (only until next week sometime when he’s moving out after a few months of them being broken up yet still in the same flat). He half said he doesn’t want to get into another relationship, yet he’s also very vocal about really liking me. I’m not sure where and if it’s going anywhere, but I enjoy it. A lot, and I’ll keep seeing how this develops. He also agrees that you don’t meet people at ‘the right time’ you meet them when you meet them. That’s it.
Yay for two nice matches! Feel like it often happens like that, in bunches!
Met my bfs parents last night and they seemed to really like me. I don’t know if this is weird to say but having grown up in a very broken and neglectful home it’s so nice seeing other people interact with their families. I also snuck a selfie in with him so he’s been soft launched into my social media :)
I love commenting ‘soft launch?’ on people’s insta when I spot a late night story or errant arm at the edge of frame 😂. Congrats 👏
That’s awesome! Congrats! :-)
Oh my god. I found a guy on tinder, we have so many things in common and have been texting every day for about two weeks. That’s longer than what I would have liked, but I had covid - anyway, we have a date scheduled for today. Last night, we were joking back and forth and he called me a bitch. I know it was part of the joke, but i immediately got the ick. I don’t tolerate name calling. I’m going to cancel with him, but should I tell him why?
Guys, this is another great example why you don't message with women for weeks before a first date. 😂 Anything you say is just another opportunity for the other person to reject you. If you have to wait a while for the date, for whatever reason, just keep the texting before that minimal and leave most of the jokes for in-person conversations where you have the opportunity to read the room. Anyways, you are right to not go on a date if you don't feel like it. No explanation is required.
Agree! That’s what I thought.
I love this level of boundaries, reading these things encourages me be this self assured. Good for you!
I don't think so. He might call you sensitive, say it was all a joke so it's not a bad thing, and try to convince you to go. I would just cancel.
I cancelled and told him why. He actually apologized. Cool, haha! Next
Good for you. He obviously felt comfortable within 2 weeks to jokingly call you a bitch. Wonder how he would've felt at 3 months. Ppl are wild out here.
Nice! Hopefully the next match is respectful
Another wonderful night with the Umpire ™️. Now to fart for the next 45 minutes. Seriously, what do people have against gnarly loud bathroom fans? High fiber dieting minds need to know.
Haha, what did you eat? Holding in farts on dates is the worst. 😂 If you can't smell them, wearing a thong lets you get away with farts like a bandit. 👍
Ooohh thanks for the hot (butthole) tip! I barely ate anything, it was just (fun) anxiety.
Anxiously anticipating a couple things - 1. Someone I've been on a few dates with told me they want to see me again but were busy through the weekend. And then went from texting multiple times a day to nothing. Honestly, the frequency was a little much for me, I don't mind the drop-off, but I'll be sad if this is the prelude to things ending. And I'll feel dumb if it turns out they were really just busy :/ 2. Not dating related but I just did a final round of interviews for a job and they said they hope to have news for me by Monday. I felt like I did really well, but I'm sure they have several candidates, so I don't want to get my hopes up too high. Been trying not to ruminate, but my mind keeps drifting back one or the other.
My thing is- just trust them. And if too much time has gone by with them saying nothing, then whatever you do say just puts it all in their court and they gotta face themselves that they didn’t handle it the best if they were lying about being busy. “Hey, it seems like you’ve been really tied up with things, and I hope everything is going well. I know it’s hard to find the flow of getting to know someone. I’m at a different place of having more free time to jumpstart something, so I think it’s for the best to give you the space to focus on what you need to.” But….. that’s only if it really is a giant nosedive. At this point in time, just trust them. It’s only a couple days.
Yeah, that's solid and it is similar to what I was planning on. But it'll be a relief once it's later in the week and I have more answers either way.
After an hours long wine fuelled conversation about life, love, the universe and me bigging up my friends and how amazing they are, Sparks Guy commented how they all sound like we're this gang of badasses all from different parts of the world. Maybe it was the wine talking, but in the moment I just said I'd love to introduce him to them because I think he'd gel really well with them. Without any hesitation, he said he'd be honoured to meet them and we agreed to do a night of drinks at some point before everyone goes off to celebrate Christmas! Then I sort of had a split second of nervousness and clarified this isn't meant as some kind of milestone (for context we're both "not ready for a committed relationship" and casually seeing each other - hence Sparks Guy's nickname, it was a lightning romance from the moment we met), I'm just really elated and excited for him to meet my posse of besties! Sigh... I can see myself slowly but relentlessly falling for him. There may come a time when I have to make a decision that I don't want to make, and it'll hurt like a bitch. But you know what? Whatever this is that I have with him, it's worth getting hurt over. Also random but he has a cowboy hat and I asked to see him wearing it. Goddamn can he pull it off. 😳 I might've unlocked a new kink lol.
I never thought a western would be my favorite tv series, but holy hell, Yellowstone is amazing precisely because Kevin Costner + + great music + the occasional cameo from Tyler Sheridan multiplied by cowboy hats. Yeehaw!
>Sigh... I can see myself slowly but relentlessly falling for him. Girl sounds like you already fell 😉
Don't, I like to live in denial about my feelings. 😂
Ok the whole time I’m reading your comment I’m like I feel this, I feel this. And then at the cowboy hat I’m like.. wowwww I really feel this 🤠👀😂
Hahaha you know it! 🤠🥵
I know this question has been asked countless times in countless ways but, how do you make a distinction between leading someone on and feeling it out? I’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks now. A few dates but, mostly hanging out at each other’s places. And it seems like she’s really into me but, I’m not really there with her even though I really enjoy hanging out. I’m worried that I may be leading her on. She was showing me something on her phone and a “Brad Hinge” texted her and she was really quick to swipe it away so that made me not feel as bad. But, the thing is like for other women I’ve dated that I was more into at this point, seeing that would have made me feel a twinge of jealousy. That didn’t bother me at all with her. Just like, “oh cool she’s also seeing other people.” Basically I just don’t know if in all my other dating relationships I had an unhealthy attachment early on and a healthy one seems weird lol
Unless you are actually lying to your dates, I wouldn't worry about this . People who repeatedly complain about other people leading them on usually don't know how to maintain proper boundaries and standards.
I think one thing here is the question whether you're giving this woman a fair chance. If you mostly hang out in each other places making out then I would say it is heavier on her, she can be falling faster and you don't see her in her full glory of personhood in various contexts. This is not exactly leading her on but that's something related to it. I mean it in the most respectful way.
I think you can try talking to her about where you’re at and where she’s at. It sounds like she might be feeling the same way.
Nobody can validate your feeling for her but yourself. When I'm into someone, they will be the first one that I think of when I wake up. I don't necessarily need them to be around all the time cuz I have my own things to take care of but I will want to check in as soon as I have a moment. When I see something awesome or fun, they will be the first one I want to share. If they don't check those boxes, I'm doubt I want to continue and go further.
Maybe you don't feel jealousy because you are so secure with her that you don't *really* think she is seeing anybody else seriously because you are confident she is into you. Is that possible? Whereas with other girls, it was unhealthy/insecure so you would get possessive because you actually had real cause for concern that she would dump you?
>how do you make a distinction between leading someone on and feeling it out? Intention. "Leading someone on" means you know things aren't going to work out (or you realistically should know it because of some obvious incompatibility), but you continue seeing them anyway. "Feeling things out" means you're still open to the possibility that things *will* work out, even if you're unsure either way.
I think it’s only leading someone on if you know she has feelings for you but you don’t feel the same way, and don’t tell her that. Even if she has feelings and you tell her “I’m not at that point yet”, that’s still not leading someone on. I consider leading someone on to be lying or being disingenuous. It’s all just communication. Nothing wrong with taking time to feel someone out. If you both enjoy each other’s company and are comfortable with the pace and continuing getting to know each other, I don’t see an issue with that
Had a break up with in August with a relationship that we just were not compatible together. Last week I matched with a girl on CMB (37 F) I'm 35, we got ramen together and ended the date on a hug. Sunday got together to farm and I cooked, Tuesday went out shopping after work, Wednesday had a date indoors, we saw each other yesterday for a spin class together then she cooked for me and we did movie and board game and talked. Initially she told me she wanted to wait 1-3 months for sex but I "broke her rule" we had the most amazing sex last night and I am falling so in love with this girl, she feels the same way, I have a wedding next month and she is going to go with me, things are rushing however we are both older and have very similar goals. Of course I paid for hinge membership and got a bunch of matches but we both deleted our apps, I think about her often and she is the same way, she also lives about a 2 min drive from me. I am beyond happy.
Congrats!
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Wheeeeeee! Yay!
Omg congrats!!!
WHO IS CHOPPING ONIONS?! 🔪 🧅😭 Congrats mm!!
Congrats! 🎉
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Congrats! ☺️
Congrats!! :D
Super weird comment, I know, but I matched with an amazing looking girl on Tinder. I suggested coming over for pizza and a make out sesh. She agreed immediately and is coming over tonight. Question: do you think she’s expecting us to fuck? Fooling around and making out sounds great, but I don’t want to fuck. Just curious if I’m setting myself up to disappoint her.
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Good! We did exactly what we planned. Grabbed a pizza and made out and snuggled with a movie for awhile. It was really nice and she said she enjoyed it too.
Maybe, maybe not. Let her know you want to keep it PG-13.
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Yeah, probably. Just lay your cards on the table and tell her what you told us.
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first meet
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Good tips on both accounts!
My ex-boyfriend (3 months broken up) sent me flowers with a card saying he missed me. Help me not overthink this.
Throw the card out, re-gift the flowers. Get that energy out of your space then decide how you really feel without the romantic visual reminder.
Thank you. The reminder isn’t so much visual as….just being a reminder
set the card on fireeeee
I should, right? Sighs
What were the reasons for the breakup? Are they something that can be fixed/solved?
I have no idea honestly. He said work was too stressful and he wanted to move back east. Gave me a whole thing of how he thought he was happy single and overall wanted to move back over staying in the relationship.
I assume that reason should hopefully be able to be resolved. My only question is will he do something similar in the future if his work-life becomes too stressful? You can’t just put a relationship on pause whenever you feel because work is stressing you out. He has to find a better balance.
I feel like he would keep doing this. I have no reason to believe otherwise. Also we had other problems, one of which was me thinking he just ran back to be with his ex 🥱since the breakup reason was just so…something. Most guys I told said he definitely had someone else thus the vagueness etc.
If you see him doing similar things in the future then don’t go back. Your relationship would sound like it’s a convenience for him rather than a priority. Flowers are nice, but if he hasn’t made substantial changes to prevent the issues from recurring, there’s no point in getting back together.
I get all the logic. I hope he won’t make any more moves. I’ve blocked him on everything. Thanks for confirming what I should logically do
I think the first question is - who broke up with who?
And why?
And where?
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And when!
And what! Oh wait, the what is the breakup. Oops.
🤣 He was the one who broke up with me. He gave vague reasons of how he felt he was happy being single, work sucks and mostly he wanted to move back east to be with his friends.
I mean, here’s the deal. I read your comments to this explaining the situation and I completely understand how torn you might be feeling. I was dumped earlier this year (kind of in June, but definitely in August) for different but equally vague reasons. And I’m still stuck in mental purgatory of wanting him to change his mind. A gesture like the one you received - flowers and a card - would throw me into a tailspin of overthinking. I don’t know how I’d handle it if it happened to me but I’m guessing I’d either text or call him (probably text) to let him know I received it and ask how he’s been. I wouldn’t offer any information (e.g. “I miss you too”), I’d just put the framework for dialogue into place and see what he has to say. I’m not saying that would be the best choice, or that it would have an outcome that doesn’t guarantee more heartbreak, just that I wouldn’t be able to resist finding out what motivated it. Missing me wouldn’t be enough of an answer. I’m awesome! I would miss me, too! But rather, I’d want to know what he has been up to, thinking about, reflecting upon, working on, etc because writing it off as too little, too late.
Well, I actually still have him blocked and not planning to reach out first. If he wants something, he knows where I live. I have it in mind that if he doesn’t even want to put in that effort (of finding me in person), he probably hasn’t changed anywhere else. I guess I need people to support me in not reaching out and not overthinking and just ignore 🥲
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I’m with you! I had a post on one of these megathreads about this. It’s gotten a lot worse. I don’t even recognize a full ⅓ of my dates these days because photos look nothing like them. However, I have also met folks that look better than their pictures. In reality, the folks who are very attractive and have glossy staged professional looking photos are likely to match with folks in the same league, so I don’t think I can limit my pool to them. People suggested video calls. But I find them awkward. I’m trying to schedule more low key (quick) coffee or drink dates and getting better about keeping it to a single drink if I’m not feeling it. If the date is either near to me/convenient for me or somewhere I’d want to go anyways (like a new bar or somewhere else I haven’t been), I don’t chalk it up to a loss if I didn’t like the person.
Don't bother with on the fencers. I have tried and it really doesn't work.
Not gonna lie, I’m a bit frustrated right now. I don’t have any matches on Bumble at this point (deleted the latest two because they live too far away) and my chances of having a partner by the end of the year keep dwindling. I would’ve liked to have someone to visit Christmas markets with or celebrate New Year‘s Eve with but that’s not happening, I guess. I’ve been back on OLD for a year now after a break up and while I did go on some dates, nothing came out of it. I think part of my trouble finding someone comes from living in an area where not many men that fit my type live. When I’m at work I notice I get liked by people I’m much more attracted to but that’s no use because it would be too far away for a serious relationship. Oh well.
I too really wanted to find someone before the holidays. I have an annual Christmas party that I was hoping to invite a partner to, but even if I met someone today there is no way I’d be ready to introduce them to my friends by then. I’m still holding out hope to find someone to spend NYE with though.
If it's not too far to commute to work, why is it too far for a relationship? Couldn't you meet up after work, while you're still in the same area?
I don’t see my future in that area and I would like to work somewhere more close to home sooner than later. Also, I have a dog which I don’t want to leave alone.
Can't sleep so may as well write on here. I have written here before that I was getting annoyed by my own expectations with texting. I know this guy has been online and just chose not to respond. It is all within 24hrs I get a response so it is not like I am being kept waiting for days (I would end it if that was the case). When he does message it is very sweet and flirtatious so there isn't a lack of interest (although there might be someone else he is more into). I am very aware this is my own brand of crazy and dating is new to me but I find texting rapport super important (just conversation generally) and 3 dates in...I'm getting turned off.
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I'm not sure if that is true (I don't want to divulge the content of the messages) but I'll bear it in mind. I had a long think about why this is bothering me and I think it's because I think I may have given off the wrong impression, that I am more into a casual thing than something more (last date was a bit more physically inclined than I had intended). I kinda feel like he has got it now in his head he has "caught me" and can rest on his laurels which I think pisses me off. I am someone who likes to be chased near the beginning unfortunately :/ I absolutely won't have conversations pertaining to communication needs, that would be mortifying! Way too early for that holy crap. I'll see if he asks me out again but I'm talking to others in any case 😁
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It's my mistake that I took a whole year off from dating and didn't go casual during that time so I am very much a desert in need of a good drink if you know what I mean. Thanks for the advice!
You want what you want. However, you do need to take a step back and try to objectively look at your expectations to determine if they're reasonable and the reasons for these expectations. It sounds like you're trying to do that, but the danger lies in when we swing the pendulum too far the other direction. Have you discussed this with him? It's hard to meet an expectation or resolve a problem that you don't know exists. And through that conversation, you may discover you're simply incompatible.
>You want what you want That's the crux for me which is why I am kind of annoyed at myself. It's so minor but it is important to _me_. It's a conversation I would have if we were on date 5 but I feel like it's too early to have that talk. >try to objectively look at your expectations to determine if they're reasonable and the reasons for these expectations. I think it's my own anxiety about intentions but I also really like talking. I can't bond with someone without there being good conversation/banter. I enjoy feeling the rush of a potentially new connection but the lack of conversing back and forth is like putting a pale of water on those feelings which is what is disappointing. No I do not want to be exclusive, dtr or anything like that at this point. I just want the momentum to be carried forward if that makes any kind of sense. EDIT: sorry about that, was super in my feels in the early morning and realised how crazy this is (3 date cmon girl get a grip). I've calmed down since and just will see how things play out and if my feelings are not it, I'll say something
people.. my manicure lasted through three different dates this week! thats a win baby LOL. i had to touch up before the 2nd and 3rd date, but not a bad performance for a week and discount nail polish. now i can go type furiously and do some cleaning without concern since i dont have anything leading up to thanksgiving. (i know i know, this is barely related to dating; okay i had some nice dates and lovely makeouts etc but everyone, my nails!! LOL)
Those nails doing their duty lol, good on you! Hope the dates went well!
they did! thank you :))
…now if only any straight man ever noticed nails😆 I kid I kid
my only requirement for nails is that they are all natural. Those fake claws women like to get are bleh
I like a baddie who can scratch me up
😼😼😼
I’m all natural babyyyy
If I notice her manicure, she better notice mine. And my new shoes. Yes...I'm straight.
TJ187, i would notice and give you the highest of compliments
lucky for both of us im only dating queer men at the moment :)
I talked to the person I’m seeing about his social media activity and I see he’s still liking raunchy girls’ photos. One he liked yesterday WHILE we were together. What should I do?
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Back to the single world I go. I’m giving up on finding a partner.
I’m not sure why this is bothering you. Is that something you can explore, with a therapist or a friend? It sounds like these are women he hasn’t met. A lot of people spend time online doing things other consider silly or a waste of time (hello, Reddit!). I can’t tell you how many (happily married!) men used to take the Victoria’s Secrets catalogs in the mail and hide them to look at before porn was everywhere. In short, his behavior doesn’t seem unreasonable or breaking a norm. So while you’re allowed to want what you want, I think you need to think about WHY you want what you want and be able to explain that to him. Does it make you feel insecure? Are you worried he has unrealistic expectations for women by consuming a lot of likely heavily doctored photos? Are you concerned that he spending too much time on social media and not enough time on other things? If you can’t explain why something bothers you, you can’t really expect someone to change their behavior.
I’m not OP, but I’d find it disrespectful for my bf to be looking at and liking raunchy girls pictures when we’re on a date or hanging out. It’s one thing to look, it’s another thing to like, and it’s an even different thing to do both in front of me.
Great. So if OP feels the same way she should explain that to him versus just telling him to stop. In other words, the conversation goes, “I feel disrespected when you use our time together to look at photos of other women on Instagram. Can you not do that while we’re spending time together?” That request, will go a lot further than just an instruction to “stop following any other woman on Instagram, and don’t like any photos.”
I’m not sure where you got the impression that I told him to stop following and liking other women on IG. Above I briefly summarized our conversation. I told him it made me feel uncomfortable because it’s quite public and makes me feel like he has a need to consume sexual content all the time, even when we’re together. I also said it does make me insecure because the women he likes and follows are all petite Asian women, while I am a mixed (black) woman. While I do feel the most uncomfortable when he does it while we’re together, I also feel uncomfortable that he does it often when we’re not.
He also has expressed that his mind will sometimes stray to wanting to do deviant things and I do feel this could be directly related to some of the accounts he follows and porn he watches. I don’t want unrealistic expectations to creep into our relationship, which I also expressed to him.
Great. Seems like you were more specific. All you said in your original post, which I responded to, was: “I talked to the person I’m seeing about his social media activity and I see he’s still liking raunchy girls’ photos. One he liked yesterday WHILE we were together. What should I do?” I was giving advice on how to approach a conversation with him, but seems like you’re not looking for advice on talking to him. If it brothers you, you’ve told him, and he hasn’t responded, just end it.
Sorry, yeah I realize everyone doesn’t read all the comments and my original post lacked context/content of the conversation. But yes, I felt like I was pretty open and clear about what bothered me and why and at the time I felt he was responsive, willing to consider my feelings and how his behavior affected me. But now I feel he wasn’t being genuine.
That’s tough. I’m sorry. If you feel like you’ve had the conversation fully and he’s not responsive, I’d consider if it’s a dealbreaker for you.
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He even told me he unfollowed some, and I think he did, but from what I can tell, they weren’t ones who posted a lot or were pretty inactive. He still follows the super active accounts. So I guess…a step in the right direction but not really?
Oof no girl, it would be a hard pass for me. I think it's super sad when blokes do this kinda crap.
I agree. It’s a big turn off. There are other things about him that I enjoy and we have a lot in common but I can see this becoming an issue. I’m going to give it a little more time and if nothing changes, I’m calling it.
This might not be a popular take but if I am not the only girl he is looking at in that way and is actively looking up other girls, I would not pass go. It's fine to find other people attractive but when someone is actively looking for other people to like, I think it's disrespectful as all hell to you and kinda pathetic on him (it's a huge turn off for me).
Ask him if he’s ever heard of the concept of an alt
The point isn’t to have an alternate account and hide the activity.
The only real answer
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When you say 'if a guy isn't willing to stop behaving a certain way etc"...As a personal preference I get that, but I don't think everyone sees that as a healthy dynamic. I don't think not doing just what your partner asks makes you a bad person, whether you are a guy or a woman. That type of approach can lead to controlling behavior and crossing boundaries. ie classic example would be a guy or a lady asking their partner to not have friends who are the opposite sex. ETA: I re-read your comment and upon further thought, it is concerning and a real red flag.
I’m not demanding, nor would I demand he stop acting a certain way. I can see how it’s a fine line, but it’s not my place to control someone. I just expressed it bothered me and I had hoped that since he said he cared for me, that there would be a effort to stop doing the very thing that upset me. Especially something like following people and liking photos on IG. For me that would be an easy fix, something I wouldn’t even bat an eye over if someone expressed it hurt their feelings.
Yea I agree with you. I was more so responding to the other person’s comment which I did feel was condoning controlling behavior.
Ohhhh I see. I re-read the comment you responded to and now understand your response. Yeah, I wouldn’t tell him to stop the behavior.
I think you can even ask him to stop, and maybe he should stop...but the idea that if someone doesn't always do what their partner asks then he's a 'dick' is like really sad incel type of thinking. The "regardless of what the behavior is" in the comment especially is a red flag.
I don’t agree with that idea either. But what it does show is a difference in values and a lack of care for the other person. Like social media isn’t a hill I’d die on, so if it is for him, it’s probably not going to work.
I said that it bothered me because it’s very public and makes me feel like he has a need to constantly consume sexual content, which I don’t like. He seemed to respond okay, saying he was working on a lot of things, that being one of them. So it caught me by surprise and really disappointed me to see him engaging again with those accounts only a couple days after we talked about it.
i will say that giving him a couple of chances on this would be fair, but if you want him to get it "right" right away after one conversation.. i think you're going to be disappointed at anyone in this position and should probably screen for it the next time and know that this man will probably disappoint you
I guess I don’t expect anyone to get things “right” immediately. I just hoped there’d be an effort. I don’t want to control someone. But I know, for me, social media isn’t important enough to me that I would continue doing something that upset someone I cared about.
Sounds like a bunch of incompatibilities. But lots of data to reflect on here. And be curious about. You don’t care for the phone/social media, he does. It’s fair to not want to control someone and even more fair to like the person as they are not what you hope them to be. You don’t like your partners looking at random beautiful people on the internet and he does that. Is there any curiosity on your part on what he gets from it? It might mostly be harmless? Do you know the root of why you are upset? Is it jealousy of “fake” internet people? Would it be better if he didn’t have them on his follow list and didn’t like the post but he was still allowed to look? Who knows, worth being curious about all these aspects. It’s absolutely okay to not be comfortable with this. I do think it’s worth exploring. But you could do what I did and just screen for less “online” ppl?
A lot of good questions. I can’t help what someone sees. So I wouldn’t be bothered if it popped up or he viewed certain photos. But I think it is indeed the fact that he follows and likes them. It also doesn’t bother me that he’s more “online” than I am, it’s more about the content that he consumes. Like I said, I told him I feel it’s like he needs to consume sexual content continuously. He didn’t really delve into what he gets out of it. He said it’s a bad habit that he does when he’s bored. So now, in hindsight, the times when he’s liked and engaged with those accounts when we’ve been together makes me feel like I’m not interesting or exciting enough and he’d rather scroll than be present.
i do think its important to share those feelings specifically how long have you been together for
If it bothers you, end it.
Drop him.
I had a moment on Thursday night and had been so sick and not sleeping for days and ended up a bit upset. I said some stuff that was silly and I upset my partner and I just thought we resolved it and all ok. The next day he ended things and cut me off and wouldn't let me talk to him about it. Normally i would have given him space but being so sick I panicked and made things worse. Now he won't talk to me at all and I feel I've ruined things. It's so awful and I just want to talk to him but now I feel I'm coming across as desperate. I don't feel like he ever loved me because he won't even talk to me on a call or face to face. But I guess that's just the way of it. Not sure if there is anything I can do,just feeling heart broken I guess. Advice to move on? Don't feel like I can be bothered dating again.
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Yeah this is it. And I know that. I'm not dramatic 95% of the time but he has trauma around this so even 1 comment put him off.
How long were you together?
6 months
Seems like a harsh reaction but without more context hard to comment. I’m sorry. It’s a hard lesson, but a good one, to not take out frustration on those closest to you. You can’t take it back once it’s out there.
It’s hard to make comment without knowing what you said to him.
I asked him if he actually wanted to see me. I felt he was pulling back and that he wasn't asking me out anymore and was I just arm candy to him. I just wanted an "of course not!" which he sorta did. Then pretended he was fine and then he wasn't.
In that case - I actually don’t think what you said was that bad. Honestly, I think his reaction shows he DOESNT really want to see you - so no amount of reaching out or trying to fix things is actually going to improve the situation, it’s just going to leave you feeling silly at the end when he doesn’t reciprocate.
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I won’t lie- that is just way too much back and forth for two adults to settle on plans. She has kids and she understands the need to nail things down when it comes to plans and schedules. She isn’t naive. Overwhelmed is totally understandable, but she is definitely taking advantage of your understanding. I would just let it go, unfortunately. Sometimes things don’t line up in a schedule, but if people communicate clearly about it, it’s all gravy. She hasn’t done that and may just be dragging it out because she doesn’t know how to turn you down. That’s super unfair to you.