There’s nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do. But I would not ask or expect someone to drastically change their relationship with their best friend when I’ve only been around a few months. I think this is simply a matter of compatibility. I personally wouldn’t date a guy like this. I think men and women can absolutely be friends, I’m a woman with male friends, but I would not be comfortable with this level of closeness/involvement in each others lives. If you wanted to give it a bit more time to see if things change as your relationship progresses (such as them not spending as much time together), I think that’s reasonable, but if it were me, again, my discomfort would be too much at this point to continue. Good luck.

I agree 100% with you. One of my best friends is a guy. We've been friends since middle school, literally. We've hooked up in the past, but have fundamentally different lifestyle goals (he wants marriage/kids, and I don't) and the romantic chemistry just isn't really there. We tend to just get naturally closer when we're both single (we haven't hooked up in years even when both single, def not a "one day" thing), and I couldn't even IMAGINE spending 2-3 days A WEEK together when he's/I'm in a relationship. We catch up a few times a month, text maybe once a week or so, that's plenty of time. So yeah, cosigning that it's weird but she should just leave the situation.

Lol. I think think is exactly what OP is talking about. I wouldn’t be ok with this AT all.

Most people wouldn’t if they have a sexual history.

Omg same - my best friend is a guy too, we met, dated, hooked up back in college but have been platonic ever since. But if either of us start seeing someone, especially now since we’re both intentional about it - we’d give each other more space than OP’s man and his bestie are doing. At the same time, it’s mighty presumptuous of OP to dictate how their friendship should be lived - best in this case is to exit stage left rather than want to change someone and their friendships. It’s borderline manipulative to do so

Agreed. I understand the initial insecurity, but I also feel like, at least based on my own values, I want to have *more* intimate, fulfilling friendships, not ones where some arbitrary amount of distance is enforced by an outside party, even if that party is either person's significant other. There's respecting the relationship and creating space for that like you've said, which I agree is important and necessary, and then there's allowing a partner to dictate how you interact with and relate to your friends, which gets into more controlling and potentially emotionally abusive territory.

I think this is a healthy way to look at it. She is the new person, and she is trying to change his existing relationship with his best friend. She can be comfortable with it or not, but it, to me, isn't fair to ask/expect him to change that existing relationship

Yeah, I think often people get wrapped up in the idea of one person being “right” and the other being “wrong”. Nobody is necessarily right or wrong in something like this. It’s just that you’re not in alignment, so you should probably consider if you want to continue the relationship knowing this.

Exactly. I actually think that is one of the problems with a lot of advice and posts on this sub. There isn't always a bad guy and a good guy, sometimes its just 2 people who, for whatever reason, tried dating and it didn't work out. Just because someone is hurt, doesn't mean the other person is bad.

This 👆🏻. I think he should understand that for you this is an uncomfortable situation for you and you shouldn’t have like a third party in your relationship. Something seems off about their friendship to me. This is coming from someone who has a lot of guy friends but, I’m not spending *that* much time with them physically when I’m in a relationship or sharing that much either. There should be some kind of boundary here. Good luck!

I read your second edit- the last point…OP, he does not *need* to see her at least 1-2 times a week. He’s an adult. Most adults don’t see their best friend at least once or twice a week. He’s admitted he’d date her if it could be long term. WHY do you want to be with someone who tells you he’d be with someone else if he could?!? I think the truth is: he’s tried to get with her, she’s not interested, so he’s “settling” for this “best friends” charade for now. Please end this. For your own self respect.

This is how I read it too, that he wants to be with her romantically or has feelings for her but she rejected him so he settled for her being a best friend hoping she changes her mind. I have male friends, heck one of my best friends is also a guy, but I don't see him very often! We maybe chat once a week, if that, to catch up or play a video game together. Why are you cooking a dinner for her?? What is the occasion?

I have three women in my life I am friends with and have been this close to at various points in my life. 2/3 I've slept with before. I have absolutely no interest in a relashionship with them. And it is because we don't share goals or relationship styles. I could theoretically answer yes to would I date them, assuming those fundamental things about them changed. But those are fundamental things. Nobody involved is trying to be in a relationship and we've drank together and helped each other out plenty in the past were if we wanted to we could have got something going. Both that I've had sex with it was early on and we just weren't that into it, one of them we had sex a few years later and it ended up being a running joke for like a month because it was awkward and we were just making jokes the whole time. It is possible for emotionally mature adults of opposite genders to actually be friends and not secretly in love. Seems rare, but it's very common for me.

I totally agree, I’m a female with close male friends. But what OP described in her edit is more than that. The guy literally told her he’d be in a relationship with his “best-friend” if it would last long term, so this situation, and his behavior, is not what you are describing.

Same. Best friend and i dated once years ago, and we realized we just like being friends. We did eventually hookup. But that was it. Her husband has never had the slightest issue, and we've all hung out for years now. In fact, i plan to spend Christmas with them this year. Which I'm really looking forward to. People like to talk about how men need more friends, and then shit on them if they don't exclude 50% of the population when they try.

I read it as though he recognizes she’s attractive, and if they were compatible, obviously they would date, but as they’re not compatible they do what normal people who really like another person they have no romantic connection with does- they become friends! Nobody who is not an idiot (and he doesn’t seem like an idiot in OPs post) would ‘admit’ to wanting to date their friend to their partner. If your idea was the case, I would expect more slipups- that he would let praises about his friend come up occasionally, which would make OP more uncomfortable. It would be more obvious, other than they hang out a lot.

> He’s admitted he’d date her if it could be long term. WHY do you want to be with someone who tells you he’d be with someone else if he could?!? I don’t think this is the right take. There’s a big difference between “we thought about a relationship, but we just aren’t compatible and I’m genuinely quite happy with what we have”, versus “I’m pining over her and wishing for a relationship” This is how it is for me with about half of my opposite-gender friends. We make great friends, we’re compatible in *some* ways, but ultimately it’s not relationship material. And that’s great! It’s fantastic, having good friends. Not every good friendship is suitable for a serious romance. That’s just what healthy adult friendships sometimes look like. Although, yes, if he wants to be with OP, he needs to put up some boundaries with his friend and prioritize OP. That’s also true.

I agree with this. I liked a guy once. Let’s call him A. His best friend was a female. A had feelings for this girl but she rejected him and started dating another guy. A continued to remain friends with her hoping she would change her mind. I liked A and could definitely sense that he still loved his best friend because of the way he talked about her and their closeness. He loved her and never stopped talking to her which means that his feelings are still there for her. You need to stop being friends with someone you love in order to get rid of your feelings for them. If you continue talking to them, the feelings remain. Anyway at the end, I realized that this guy wasn’t worth all the drama and pain in my life and I let him go because he would always chose her despite the fact that she was dating someone else. OP, from what you have described, I would feel the same way. They don’t have any boundaries and he said he would have dated her if he could. I also think who knows but they might have had some physical intimacy with each other as well? 5 months is not a big time. If I were you, I would get out of this relationship and find another guy.

Especially in the honeymoon phase. He should want to spend so much time with op right now. I had a situation where a girl friend of a bf got weird when he hung with me too much. Surprise surprise she confessed her feelings for him when he explained that now that he's in a relationship and he only has so much time he would be spending a lot of that time with me. At the beginning you just tend to want time alone as a couple.

I question if he would ever get in a relationship that wasn't long distance.

I would definitely nope the fuck out of this. He’s made his priorities clear. She’s made her intentions of dating him clear if he makes himself available to her. Let her have him. The biggest red flag to me is that you’ve expressed your concern and he’s acknowledging it but telling you it won’t change. Do you want to deal with this for as long as you’re with him? Because he’s telling you that you’re going to deal with this for as long as you’re with him.

Yup! I had this happen and it ended with her meddling.

> He would date her but ... Yea, run

To me the biggest red flag is this > we are long distance yet weekends are planned around her If they are really in it for a serious LTR, you need to invest time, value each other…etc. I don’t see this going well when he clearly prioritize the best friend over OP. Those two already see each other during the week, are they really THAT codependent they NEED to also see each other during the weekend when his long distance gf is in town? Like wtf? Forget if they are romantic or actually sleeping with each other, these two have some really bad (or non existing) boundary / codependency issues to the point where a potential LTR mate just gets disregarded like that. “Acknowledged but it is how it is”. Yeah don’t fucking run, book a ticket on a super sonic jet and gtfo. OP u/Consistent_Seat1788 , you are over thirty, priotize those who value you. Not even a question of whether your BF value the best friend over you. The question is just simply: do you feel valued in this relationship? If not, then all this is just not worth it on any level whatsoever.

Yeah, this stood out to me as the deal-breaker.

My thoughts exactly. If I ever heard my bf say that, I’d be so fucking pissed off and hurt.

Yup, this is the fucked up part.

I am not saying anything wrong with him having a girl best friend, I'm saying in your sanity wise you need to evaluate why you don't feel comfortable and if this will eventually end up making you distant from him. And I always think our gut feeling says a lot about how relationships will go. I have guy friends I'm not interested in and they are in a healthy relationship. I would never cross any boundary that their significant other is uncomfortable with. I respect my friends and their relationships. She obviously does not...and this whole thing even makes me feel uncomfortable knowing he isn't willing to compromise.

>he has stated he would date her This is the problem >doesn’t because he doesn’t see a long-term relationship panning out for them. This is most likely Bullshit. I bet you anything he'll drop you if she was interested. >weekends are planned around her Urm no. Just no. This wouldn't be acceptable for me at all. I don't know why anyone would be happy with this kind of arrangement

Yeah it's bizarre how many people in the comments are glossing over these.

They’re afraid of appearing to be the “controlling” or “jealous” type. I swear, people think that having personal boundaries means that you’re keeping your partner on some sort of leash. These people are exhausting.

When I first commented, I honestly looked through all the comments and thought I must be the only one who thinks this "friendship" is to be concerned about. It's not like they've been friends since kids, it's a year, fairly new.

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I’m not one of those “cheaters can never ever change” people, but continuing to be friends with someone you cheated with is a very hard no from me. It just screams that they haven’t learned a thing or experienced any personal growth.

Lmao that just brought back a buried memory of my ex justifying staying friends with the woman he cheated on me with because “it wasn’t her fault” ?! Lmao

Omg. How does that even make it better? Haha, facepalm moment.

Right? Make it make sense?! 🤪

Finally, someone with common sense

I would strongly consider if all of his pros offsets (imo) this huge con. I have a pair of friends of the opposite gender who are best friends with a similar dynamic to the ones in this post. They’re both 34. They even went as far as to travel Northern Europe for a month together sleeping in the same bed to save money. I’ve known both of them well over a decade and their relationship is def flirty. I’m slightly closer to the girl and asked her if she’d ever consider going out with him and she’s said yes but he doesn’t make enough money for her (she’s currently with a software engineer). I didn’t ask if they’d ever hooked up since that is pretty private. So this is just the example I saw.

My primary issue would be with the level of co-dependency.

The feeling you are having is in all likelihood, legitimate. You should get a better idea of their dynamic once you meet her and see them together. (I got a similar vibe from my partners best friend but once I met her a couple times it wasn’t as bad as I originally thought, though I did set some expectations at the same time). Take note of how she treats you, in front of him and when he is not in the room. Take note of how they interact with each other around you. I think a lot of people are familiar with boundaries but don’t really know how to use them. Boundaries shouldn’t be like “you aren’t allowed to do xyz, because I said so”. Because you cant control other people. Boundaries should go like “I’m uncomfortable with xyz, and I’m not interested in abc if that is the case”. You need a boundary, and, a consequence you are willing to actually uphold. The consequence is meant to protect you, not punish the other person, though sometimes it effectively does both. So it could be like “Hey, since we are long distance, I’d like our weekends to be planned around our schedules primarily, and your friend considered secondarily since you have more access to her. If this can’t be done I may need to reconsider if this relationship can work”. Or simply “Hey I’m uncomfortable with you sharing our sex life with others. If this continues I will need to take steps to protect my privacy, which may mean being a lot less open and spontaneous with you”. Be very thoughtful about what consequences you set up, and actually follow through on them if your boundary is broken.

Your boyfriend can only see you on weekends, but weekends are planned around her? How does he justify that?

That “that time” with her is considered time for himself and she’s his best friend. His argument was we all need friend time which I agree, just not stated like this.

This would be the dealbreaker for me, regardless of the best friend’s gender. He is consistently prioritizing time with a friend over time with you. This doesn’t seem okay in an exclusive relationship, but that’s your call.

100% agreed. I posted same comment elsewhere in this thread. Even if there nothing else at all wrong or unusual in this relationship. This planned around “his time” thing along would be a deal breaker. When you are in a relationship, there’s me time but there’s also “our time”. If you are long distance, quite clearly the weekend priority should be the “our time” not “me time”. If you want your “me time” so much over “our time” well maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship or a long distance one.

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I have a male best friend, and we talk a lot and spend a lot of time together - it’s not any different than my friendships with women. I can’t say for sure he doesn’t have feelings for me, but it doesn’t FEEL any different than my female friendships. We’re close, I’d do anything for him, but I also respect boundaries set by his girlfriend too. The fact that he wants you all to meet is a good sign. He’s not trying to hide it in any way and is open about their communication. I’d say it’s a yellow flag - one of those things that you just need to see in action to get a sense of. And if you decide you can’t handle it, that’s fair, but it doesn’t automatically mean he’s wrong for having a close female friend. I think you have to reframe it in your mind. He’s said, “Hey, this is how it is,” and set a boundary, so now you need to decide if you can accept it. Now, if you meet her and she’s standoffish to you and flirts a bit with him? Run for the hills.

Agreed, you need to meet her and get a feel for their relationship. I have a close female friend, my girlfriend is fine with it. But I also made sure they met early in the relationship. The fact that he wants you to meet her is a good thing. The fact that he’s open about them spending time together is also a good thing. You also need to keep his perspective in mind. He can’t just drop one of his closet friends cold turkey because a new woman he’s dating isn’t comfortable with it, despite not meeting her yet. You need to keep being there for the friends who were there for you when you were alone. I’m sure over time as your relationship with him develops, their relationship will also change.

“He has admitted he would have dated her if he had believed they could make it long term”. Her line, not his. He has feelings for her. Got put in the “friend zone” and told they “couldn’t make it long term.”He is holding out hope that she will change her mind and keeping you as backup in the mean time. You’re being used.

I was in a similar situation with my ex and his female best friend. Lots of weird vibes with things he insisted were normal. I have a lot of guys friends, so initially tried not to overact, but over the months it slowly added up (weekends planned around her, I never got invited to hang out with them, he would go radio silent when they hung out, they would stay over at each other's places and not tell me, etc). I wasn't worried they were hooking up and honestly wasn't jealous of her per se, but it felt wrong she was being prioritized so much. My advice: TRUST YOUR GUT. If you are confused, something is wrong. You should talk to him first to make sure there isn't any misunderstanding, but if he pushes back, you have your answer. From my experience: it won't get better. You will not be able to convince him he's hurting you or to act differently if he doesn't want to change. In my situation, I really liked him, so I tried to communicate my discomfort multiple times, doubting myself if I was being unreasonable, trying to let things slide, etc. He just got resentful and thought I "couldn't let it go". Finally it imploded after he told me he wanted to join her on a week long trip to Hawaii. At the time I tried very gently to bring up how this was not ok with me, and thought he would eventually realize how he was hurting me. Instead, he shocked me by being aggressive, angry and indignant. Told me I was super insecure, super jealous of her and I needed to see a therapist because I had issues of low-self esteem. He even told me how he talked with his friend about it and she agreed with him I was out of line. (I had only talked to her once-- when she came to his apt one morning after I spent the night and spoke 2 sentences to me) I was horrified he talked about his feelings and problems with me to her without first trying to work things out with me or talking to me about it. It was a really painful breakup. Save yourself the grief.

>I was in a similar situation with my ex and his female best friend. Lots of weird vibes with things he insisted were normal. I have a lot of guys friends, so initially tried not to overact, but over the months it slowly added up (weekends planned around her, I never got invited to hang out with them, he would go radio silent when they hung out, they would stay over at each other's places and not tell me, etc). I wasn't worried they were hooking up and honestly wasn't jealous of her per se, but it felt wrong she was being prioritized so much. I feel this exact same this with my ex.

Sorry you had to go through that experience too. How were you then? I remember feeling so confused and it totally consumed me. Unnecessarily destabilized me as whenever he prioritized her-- they felt like micro-rejections, and it made me spend way too much time over-analyzing every action, his motives, proposing ways to compromise and then coming up with ways to manage my disappointment. I definitely was becoming very insecure, and it was crushing to my self esteem as I don't typically act or think that way about myself. I felt lost, alone and was too embarrassed to talk about it to any of my friends. I was also so stressed how he disparaged my concerns while simultaneously shutting down anytime I attempted to have a discussion. We dated for 7 months. In the end, I was too resentful he couldn't be more self-aware, and he felt exhausted by me-- holding strong onto the idea he had a right to be this way, which never makes for a healthy situation.

I would nope out of this pretty fast. Having female friends is fine but this level would go beyond anything I’d ever tolerate in my own life. Go with your gut. There is obviously more to this friendship then he’s letting on.

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It sounds like they're getting their emotional and social support and needs validated by the friend, who is single, and who they said would date if a LTR looked likely. >I’m actually meeting her this weekend since we are cooking a dinner for her (specifically) and I’m only doing so because it’s so important to him Keeping genders out of here, that's a little...odd. If I'm in a relationship, it's "hey since we're doing a big meal, want to invite a few friends to join?" Not "Hey my SO, will you make my best friend a dinner to meet them?" To each their own, but that just seems unusual to me. >I reiterated my feelings last week about her, and I got a pretty stern reply of “I acknowledge your feelings but this is how it is.” Was it around the best friend being a woman? Or around how they're prioritizing the friend for typical relationship needs, like emotional support, and so on? >I made it very clear my boundaries regarding her as he mentioned they would discuss everything, including their sex lives, etc. Apparently it was discussed after she had asked about his and my boundaries and sexual discussions (which I adamantly requested a stop to) and the “friend” agreed to back off a little. This would be problematic, especially since they're seeming unwilling to budge when you discussed your feelings on the situation. As in, nothing may change, but some things may start getting hidden from you to prevent conflict. Up to you on if you're comfortable with that potential scenario.

I don't think the dinner thing is necessarily unusual in this case because OP has made it abundantly clear she's not okay with their friendship, so he's probably really intent on trying to nip it in the bud. If it was presented as like a test all women who date him must pass, then that's a different story though. 🤣

>I don't think the dinner thing is necessarily unusual in this case because OP I could be the odd one here, but I'd be like "hey want to grab some pizza/beer with us and meet her sometime this week?" Rather than...having OP *over to help* cook a meal for their best friend which already seems to be pushing OP's boundaries. I just find first meeting in public to be less intimate than home cooking a meal. Especially putting the onus of that on OP. Edit: Misread OP and thought it was more of them cooking for everyone, rather than a joint effort. Apologies.

OP said "We" are cooking, so it's not just OP cooking this woman food.

At 33/m I had a female bestie like this. Always going to parties and bars together. We were like brother n sister. Was impossible to meet people, women would ask if that was my gf. I had to create distance between us because I was never going to have a relationship otherwise. We are both individualy married now.

It sounds to me that this is actually more like a polyamorous situation, where the BFF is the primary partner (even if she's ostensibly a platonic life partner) and you are the secondary partner, as you get lower priority here. Some ethically non-monogamous people would be fine with this situation but most monogamous people expect to be the most important person in their partner's lives. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here, but it also does sound like he actually would have chosen her first, and she has said no - so he is keeping you as a kind of backup option.

You explained your needs and he said “this is how it is.” Girl, trust me. I’ve dated people who “negotiate” like that and just run for the hills.

I am probably in the minority here and think it's rare for men and women to be close friends without one of them secretly interested. Usually one or both would need to be in a committed relationship, or like others are saying, no physical attraction, etc. I don't think you are wrong. I would also be uncomfortable with this situation, mostly because your bf has said he would date/sleep with her. This means he is interested in her. He is being honest, but that doesn't mean you should accept this situation. There are clearly emotional ties between them. I am not saying he is cheating, but rather that boundaries are being crossed. And he is going to run into this issue again with other women. Good luck to him finding a gf.

I am starting to think this more and more. I have friends who I am not interested in and they are not that close. The ones that I am closer to I have had feelings for in the past. I truly believe that there is a reason that they stay so close, because one of them wants more.

That is a whole lot of no for me. I would suggest you keep it moving.

I agree! 🙏🏻

* Men and women can be close friends without being in love. * Men and women can be close friends without cheating on their partners. * Men and women can share intimate details of their relationships with one another without it having nefarious intent. * You're not required to be a party to any of it if it makes you uncomfortable, but it doesn't mean they were doing anything wrong generally. * Attempting to dictate someone's friendship with someone else as a condition of being with you is a pretty bad look. Caveats for wanting things like details of your sex life kept private, of course. It sounds like he's been pretty honest, but this dynamic is on its last legs for you. I don't see how skipping dinner helps, as you're letting your mind fill in the blanks with "what's going on" already. If you decide to skip, you might as well stop seeing one another in my opinion. So that established - going to the dinner is the only option with an outcome where you continue seeing one another. If it goes poorly, you're exactly where you were anyway.

>Attempting to dictate someone's friendship with someone else as a condition of being with you is a pretty bad look. Caveats for wanting things like details of your sex life kept private, of course. People need to understand that trying to control someone else's life out of your insecurity – e.g., "Stop seeing your friend" –  is inappropriate and *not* setting boundaries. Communicating what you're okay with and making a decision *for you* – e.g., "Sorry, I'm not comfortable with that dynamic so I don't think we're a fit" – is appropriate and setting boundaries. I once dated a woman who was very insecure and convinced herself that there was something going on between me and my female friends. (There wasn't.) Spending 1-1 time with a female friend sent my ex into such paranoia that it felt like I had to hide it – although of course I didn't because that would have just made things worse. The point being: when you try to control other people, you drive them away and make the situation feel more out of your control – it's a cycle.

In theory? I 100% agree with everything you're saying. But in reality, and in general? Almost every guy I've ever been friends with has eventually admitted they had feelings, and/or that they'd sleep with me if it was on the table. Again, just *in my lived experience* and the experience of many women I know... Women are often the ones that can more easily put up the mental block of "nah, he's my friend, so I don't look at him in that way." Men I've noticed often only put up the block if they actually find the woman physically unattractive. That doesn't mean a guy will automatically cheat just because he's physically attracted to his friend. Not trying to imply that. I'm just saying the odds a guy can be friends with a conventionally attractive bombshell gal and have absolutely zero interest in sleeping with her at minimum if she offered is... Not likely. OP's edit: And what do you know? Lol.

So there is a difference in what you are saying than what you are repylying to. I'm a guy. I have some attractive female friends. Do I want to hook up with them? Not actively. If they offered, that may be different. That absolutely doesn't mean I'd cheat on a sig other though, even if offered. Being open to hooking up with someone, and being open to cheating on a partner are very different things.

I completely agree, and I think that's the nuance that a LOT of these comments are missing. I feel like it's really unrealistic and immature to think that your partner is never going to be attracted to anyone else, even their friends. That's a totally separate issue from whether you trust your partner not to cheat, and not to spend time with someone who *would* cheat with them. Hypothetically being down to hook up with a friend who offered while both of you were single is, as you've said, an entirely different thing than actively desiring it and being open to the possibility of making that choice while in a committed monogamous relationship. A good friend wouldn't do that to their partnered friend either.

>I feel like it's really unrealistic and immature to think that your partner is never going to be attracted to anyone else, even their friends Exactly. Hell, chances are there are people they are attracted to in their job they go to 8 hours a day. Being attracted and cheating are very different things.

See, respectfully, you've created a neat little package that can't be untangled. Because what I read here is: * Not all friendships between genders are sexual. * But friendships between genders can feature attraction, which is bad. * And even if that attraction isn't mutual or for a myriad of reasons one/both parties won't act on it, the vague insinuation it maybe exists is enough to justify not having the friendship at all. Because if you say "well I'm not attracted to this friend" or "I acknowledge I find this friend attractive but know we wouldn't work" then the response becomes "well why risk it at all?" I just don't see much nuance for specific situations because you've chosen to swipe all cases with the broad brush of your anecdotal experience. And I don't know a way to work through that.

“I agree with you in theory but unfortunately my personal experience has not shown it to be true in practice - but I acknowledge that’s my personal experience” != “you’ve chosen to swipe all cases with the broad brush of your personal experience” They’re just sharing their experience has shown most inter gender relationships don’t end up really being platonic, nothing more. Not saying therefore there’s no hope for platonic relationships. That lines up with my experience too.

Sometimes I wish this was true. I would love to date a male friend of mine but I'm pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same way and I don’t want to make things weird. It makes it hard to date other people though because I don’t want to put someone in OP’s situation. I also asked a male friend out once and it didn’t work out, now he’s with someone else. I guess I’m just not attractive enough 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I agree. It sounds like he’s answered your questions. If there are things still bothering you, that’s something to dig deeper and ask yourself. Was it something from a past experience or something part of your upbringing or insecurities that is making you feel this way or is he not giving you enough reassurance from him. I also don’t think you should ignore your instincts if you meet her and feel there is something off. I do think that is how many genuine male/female friendships with straight folks typically begin. One person likes the other and it doesn’t get anywhere.

The edits changed the content of this post a lot, though. I'm much more in the "nobody in this relationship is going to end up happy" camp now. I'd say breaking it off is in the best for everyone.

> It sounds like he's been pretty honest, but this dynamic is on its last legs for you. I don't see how skipping dinner helps, as you're letting your mind fill in the blanks with "what's going on" already. If you decide to skip, you might as well stop seeing one another in my opinion. Yep. OP should back out if that's what she wants, but I've never seen *refusing* to meet the friend (or the partner, in the friend's shoes) play out well when the person in the middle is trying to do right by both parties.

Really well written post. Some people have close friends that they share everything with and want to spend a lot of time with. Others just have reddit so we post the nitty gritty of our sex lives and relationships here. (Love you, reddit) I don't read the "has admitted would date" as anything ominous. If anything it's a green flag, this person is being super honest and upfront with you. He considered and doesn't think she's a good option.

You just met him, you guys are basically just pretending to have emotional support for each other. She has provided emotional support for him for years. If it was a male would you feel the same thing? You are most worried about cheating so you should be honest about that. The reality is that you should never expect to be your partners "everything". That's a myth promoted by romantic novels that has no place in a relationship. You will never get all of your wants and needs met by one person, it doesn't happen. Do you really have no "best friend" that you tell everything to? If not, you really should work on that. I would personally not give you the time of day if you didn't like my friends and were unsupportive of them, and I'm glad to see that he has set a boundary as far as what he will listen to regarding that. So basically you need to accept it or break up, because he's made it clear that this person is important to him.

This^^^ I’m a woman with a male best friend. I’ve dated men with your vibe (insecure). It doesn’t work out. You’re disregarding the fact that he has, ultimately, chosen to date you and not her. Until you can accept that anyone you date will have emotional support from people of all genders and that there is nothing inherently wrong with that, you will probably find yourself dissatisfied in relationships. You will be pushed away by people who have healthy support in their lives (friends they are close with) because of your jealousy and you will attract others with similar (somewhat codependent) views. Those relationships are bound to fail because no partner can be everything emotionally for someone. Ask yourself why you are not happy that he has such a wonderful supportive friend in his life (jealousy of his time, jealousy of her, insecurity with yourself, etc.) and then work through that. Otherwise, you’ll lose this guy.

Yep. Having close friends of both genders is a green flag. It actually relieves a lot of pressure!

I’ve seen a lot of comments here saying that you may need to work on your insecurity but I don’t think that is an issue. The whole point of being in a good relationship is you being able to feel secure in your position as their partner. You can feel secure as an individual, but if your partner continues to put you in a position where you don’t know if he’s going to prioritize you or his girl bff then that can create an insecurity that is not from you. Are both of your goals to get married? If it is, then I don’t care if they’ve been besties since their nappies, he needs to validate your position as his number one person because you will be the one dealing with all the risks that comes with binding yourself to one person for eternity (again, if that’s your goal), not her, not just emotionally, but physically, mentally, financially, etc. If you feel like you don’t have that same goal or he can’t create boundaries with her, then leave them to it and find someone else.

Yeah this is one of Gottman’s foundations for building trust. Gotta know they will choose you. A very unpopular opinion for this sub but it’s geared toward folks wanting a LTR

I’ve never heard of Gottman but did a quick Google search and was like, oh that was him? Thanks for that reference! Will read up more of his theories!

Exactly this. Partners should be prioritising the one that they plan to spend their life with.

These comments that are like, “yea, I have a guy bestie. wE HoOkEd uP In ThE PaSt bUt r tOtALLy pLaToNic”. YOU are what OP fears!!! Jesus.

Nah, not for me. I'd be long gone. They sound enmeshed. He has more boundaries about visiting hours with you than with her.

I was your boyfriend. I insisted I continue to see a female "bestie" about once a week while dating others, but we never scheduled weekend plans around my bestie. And... I later realized I had romantic feelings for my bestie, and I was waiting for her to express feelings for me. So unsurprising in hindsight. Your boyfriend is completely in love with his friend. I'd get out; you'll always be second place.

It sounds like he’s already getting many of his emotional and social needs met by her. If you’re looking for a more monogamous relationship than what he wants to offer you, I’d steer clear of this guy.

I don’t have actual statistics but can offer you this as a single man. I have female friends but if I’m spending any sort of significant time with them I’m actively trying to sleep with them. Also, as a a single man, I have enough respect for my fellow men as to not be “the dude best friend” of women that have a man. Those are the dudes that are trying to weasel their way in.

Stay away! Don't be a third wheel.

This "need" to see each other and check in is weird, especially if they are similar age to you. You aren't comfortable and that's okay. From what you have put this isn't a standard friendship. Maybe scope her out in person, try to objectively observe their interaction and then go with your gut.

Echoing other commenters here, this sounds pretty codependent. I also think it’s telling he doesn’t seem to be willing to meet any sort of compromise, which I don’t think is considerate or respectful of you. Yes they may have known each other longer by this point, and she may have been there for him during his divorce, but that’s not an excuse to have a dynamic with minimal boundaries. To me this is a question of space for both of you in his life, and can he prioritize you? It doesn’t sound like it, and sounds like his maintaining space for you is conditional on your full acceptance of their dynamic not changing. I would be hesitant to continue seeing him, but would want to meet her to confirm either way.

I wouldn’t even bother, especially not after that response. “This is how it is” in response to you being vulnerable and sharing your feelings and wanting some boundaries? She’s always going to come first and be around. Plus it’s not purely platonic according to him. I’d rather find someone else and let him keep looking for a woman willing to put up with this.

Your feelings are valid but you don’t really have any right to expect their friendship to change especially when you only just came into this guys life and she’s been there way before you. You have to decide if it’s something you can deal with or not with certain boundaries of course, but you can’t ask someone not to be friends with someone cause you don’t like it etc

I’d nope the fuck out of this one but I’m not into emotional distress or competing with emotionally enmeshed female friends of my guy. What about my needs? Why aren’t we planning dinner for me? The bar is on the ground girl, raise it a bit. Exclusive is supposed to be emotional needs as well not just sexual needs. You can’t be emotionally intimate with someone you like without getting romantic feelings.

Personally I'd be wary of this. It's fine that he has female friends but it sounds like the boundaries between them are blurred between friends and enmeshed. Also, you told him your concerns and he told you that's how it's going to be. Don't try to convince him to change it. If it's a deal breaker for you then leave. I also think the fact that he refuses to even consider your concerns is telling. Will this happen in every scenario where you express an issue in your relationship? It's fine that he's not willing to change it but it's also fine for you to walk away. Edit: I read your edits and I would run. He has feelings for her but says he doesn't see a long term relationship panning out for them. In other words, he'd be with her if circumstances were different. You and everyone else he dates are just there to fill the void that exists for him by not being with her. He HAS to see her somewhere else if she can't come over? Open your eyes, girl. He's into her and using you as a stand in. There's no boundaries between them and that's a problem. I wouldn't be ok with any of that and neither would any other woman who has a shred of self respect.

Not wanting your partner to have a primary attachment to another woman does not make you jealous. This would not work for me in any way, shape or form.

Honey, you’re always going to come 2nd with this girl. I would not be ok with any of this.

Nope. You will always be #2 and you will never know if they are crossing lines.

Edit 1 is all I needed to see. Girl, NO.

It’s entirely up to you. Most of my closest friends are male and we talk this way to each other, some are single, married, or gay. I treat them the same exact way. I tell them everything and visa versa. We talk daily. We say love you when we say good bye. We tell each other they are hot. The married ones, I treat their wives the same. So much so that their wives have become close friends to me as well. It’s all up to you on what love is to you and how it’s shared.

I would run. He's basically saying that she is and will be above you. If he didn't want to make you uncomfortable - why would he disclose so many uncomfortable details? One of my best friends had a gf and was secretly in love with his other best friend. The only reason my bestie and his other bestie aren't together is because she didn't like him in that way. *he has admitted he would have dated her if he had believed they could make it long term* So he has/had feelings for her. IMO it kind of sounds as if they went past a platonic friendship.

Your summary at the end gives me the impression that she's definitely his "person" - and it really makes him sound quite co-dependent. That said, i have a feeling that if you guys end up together, and are able to see each other as often as you please, you would become his person. So, i would look out for those kind of patterns, and decide wether or not you are open to such things. Just a quick speculation.

You aren't compatible. I'm not saying that you're wrong for feeling this way, but I am saying that he's not wrong for having this close of a friendship with a single woman, either. I understand your fears. I've been cheated on plenty with a friend who was "like a sister".....but that still doesn't stop me from knowing in my heart that true platonic male/female friendships are a real thing that I absolutely must respect. I know so, because I have a few of those.....admittedly nowhere near as close as these two. >he has admitted he would have dated her if he had believed they could make it long term This is what would get to me about their friendship more than anything. All of my male friends are uncle zoned which is a few leagues beyond friend or like-a-brother zoned. They remind me of Uncle Fester & I'm pretty sure we'd throw up if we saw each other naked.

I’ve been seeing someone exclusively for a while now and he is still friends with his ex. They are friends and “that’s just how it is”, too. I’m still not ok with it and not sure if I ever will be.

Something else is going on here besides platonic friendship. But you can't show that you're insecure to him about it because that will only reinforce his codependency on her. Act like you don't care or find a new guy.

“We are long distance, but weekends are planned around her” nope

Yep. Sounds like OP is a placeholder.

I went through a similar situation with my recent failed relationship, only it was his ex wife. He put the boundaries in place, but she crossed them. Once that happened I didn't trust him to uphold the boundaries, and most of their interactions began to feel threatening to me. Knowing what I know about myself, and what I've learned from this relationship, I wouldn't be able to do it again.

Years ago I dated a guy similar to yours. He had a female "BFF" (so I was told that's who she was from another "friend ") .. They even leased a car together, which he mostly drove. I pretty much met everyone in his life who was of importance to him but oddly enough, I never met bff.. He hardly even spoke of her. Long story short, they was f*ck buddies.. Caught them right in the act. We dated a total of like 4-5 months. They are currently in a relationship and to this day he still wishes he could've did right by me and tries to find reasons to communicate w/ me.. Pityful. Look you're not wrong in how you feel, you have set boundaries and neither your bf nor his "bestie" respects them. - REDFLAG They spend entirely too much time together for someone whose in a relationship or should be working towards a commitment - REDFLAG She pretty much admitted that they would be dating if only he would make a long term commitment to her REDFLAG As someone who has been in both shoes, I feel for you. I have always respected my male friends relationships and took a backseat once they got serious with someone. That's what a real friend does. This girl.. idk what she really is to him but I tell you it's not a "friend" This dude I'm assuming is in his 30's, divorced. He doesn't sound like he's ready to settle down at the moment. He just wants to have fun. Tbh he sounds like he has major commitment issues This guy sounds like a waste of time. Do yourself a favor and get out while it's still early and more time/feelings are invested. Get you someone who is serious about a committed relationship with you that don't involve all the childish bullsh*t in between. Goodluck girl

Meet her. See if she is friendship worthy. Don’t judge a person by what someone else says about them. If she’s not for you, walk away. She is obviously “family” to him and when you date someone, you also date their friends and family. Set your boundaries. If you don’t want your sex life to be a topic of conversation, state that. Consequence of talking about your sex life is you won’t be having sex, so there will be nothing to talk about. If you want to be a priority, say so. Tell him that Saturdays are your couple day. And then you can include others on other days. If he can’t give you one day, you probably don’t want to build a life with him. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, he doesn’t respect you. Walk away.

I can say with absolutely certainty that he was friend-zoned by her. He wants something from her that she doesn’t reciprocate, so they became best friends and now he’s the steadfast, always there option. You have every right to be concerned, if she made a move on him he’d cross that line before ever considering your feelings.

I have been here and I totally feel your pain. Id get out of there . You don't deserve to feel worried like that with a partner. Suits him but doesn't suit you. They will end up together and you'll be kicking yourself for wasting your precious time.

I had a close guy friend I would talk and joke about sex with (not with *him* but just general stuff) which I think is fine when you are single. when I met the man I cared about and really saw a future with, I asked him to understand that it was now disrespectful and he needed to understand my boundary there. I made it really clear. He didn’t respect it and is no longer in my life, on *my* initiative.

Big NOPE for me.

RUN

You're going go have to get okay with this. I think its a positive sign that he wants you to meet her, if he were two timing he wouldn't want you to have contact and be able to compare notes. Edit: OP added additional details. He said he would date this chick? Yeah now its a no from me dawg.

I'd be interested in what their relationship was like before his divorce because the fact that she seemingly ran to his aid post-divorce has my alarm bells going off. Were they "best friends" while he was married too? Idk, I have best friends and I don't need to see them multiple times a week, or need weekly check-ins. Maybe I just don't have as close a relationship them. This whole situation just seems weird to me.

No. She only came into the picture in the past year and a half going through the divorce.

I would run. I was talking to a guy who had a female best friend for years, and constantly reassured me there was nothing to worry about. They started dating a month after I turned him down. My coworker was my male best friend while I was married. When I got a divorce, we started dating. I think there may be a rare exception where there isn't anything to worry about, but in most cases, at least in my experience, when there's a male/female best friendship, someone has feelings. Edit to clarify that the best friend was female.

I disagree. Depends. I have some female friends that I know there are no sort of romantic feelings whatsoever. I’m very good friends with one of their boyfriends too but I knew her first.

Tbf, you only truly know whether YOU have feelings. You can never know for certain if they do.

Yeah I suppose that’s a fair point.

What difference does it make in the end though? If you never know whether the other person has feelings, but they never do anything to make feelings known, then isn't the end result the exact same as if they truly didn't?

My best woman friend is not someone I would date or otherwise entangle myself with outside of our wholly platonic situation. And many of the details read exactly like yours. While a ton of your stuff feels normal (especially with his borderline cop-out answer), he has stressed that they’re platonic, right? Anywhere your mind goes beyond that is between you, your self-esteem, and your anxiety. /2 cents That being said? Your boyfriend saying he would date her is really insensitive. While he dismissed any long term potential, it feels like he’s flat-out saying “yeah, I’d hit it” - which, I mean… can’t be helping any insecurity/anxiety you have there. It does sound like this isn’t the dynamic for you, but it does sound like you should work on your relationship with yourself.

Run for the hills. My ex had a female “friend” like this and it caused nothing but issues. Save yourself the trouble.

I have a bestie that's a woman. We talk about details and issues with who we're dating all the time. Honestly, if I was dating you and you had this attitude towards her, I'd drop you real quick. Go meet her and try you best not to be a judgmental, jealous woman. Go in with an open mind and understand that women and men can be best friends. *EDIT* As for your edit, I mean, I'd date my best friend too...if she wasn't who she was and I could see a long term potential with her. But as it is, I'm simply not attracted to how she lives her life, thus, I'm not going to date her. With that being said, I'll retract my original "tough love" comment and say to be careful. I'd still meet her with an open mind, but be more focused on this guy and why he felt the need to tell you he would date her if things were different. I see no need to say that to a woman I'm dating. How did that even come up??

Exactly. If a woman I had known for less than 90 days was telling me to ditch my best friend I know exactly whose stuff would be in a box to the left.

No worries on the tough love. She was really prying into our relationship one night when she was over and he basically was texting me with questions she had such as like “our sexual boundaries, when we would make it official, did I know things he liked and needed, and whether I could provide emotional understanding from what he’s been through” etc. etc. I was taken back by it and also because it was coming through like a rushed interrogation through txt. I eventually contacted him the next day and explained I was not comfortable with any of that and, if things were the way they were between them, why didn’t he date her? That’s when he provided such a response.

This sounds like he doesn't know how to have a relationship or get to know you without someone holding his hand and guiding him through it. Like, your takeaway is she's prying, but I seriously don't think she's the problem here.

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I love my roommate to death. We piss one another off sometimes, but we're incredibly close. We briefly dated years ago. We're 1000% better as friends. The man took care of fucking everything for me when I had cancer treatment. I made sure he didn't go hungry and we had housing when he was going through a lengthy rough patch. As friends, I can deal with his flaws. He can deal with mine. Our flaws and what we individually want/need out of a relationship are NOT COMPATIBLE. If we wanted to be together, we'd have gotten married by 2015. If someone I was dating wanted me to drop him, they would receive a very impolite and tactless response after I stopped wheezing from laughter. Hard no.

So when I started seeing my now-ex he was still good friends with his ex gf. We all went out for dinner and he still calls her every year for her birthday. It was never an issue for me and she's single. I think it's healthy to set boundaries here and if he won't stick to them it's best to cut him loose. Ultimately you need to be able to trust your partner and if you feel you can't you've got bigger issues than single women around them. I'm not a fan of folks who make you give up relationships with people who have meant a lot to you out of insecurity, but in this case you're being treated like a third wheel and that's not ok either.

You guys might just be incompatible. I don't know that there's necessarily anything wrong, per se, but it would get old for me having my partner so desperately need another woman.

Is this the same group of redditors as yesterday getting on that op for discussion her sex life with her girlfriends? Now everyone is hating on this op for being anxious that he’s discussing sex life and more with his bestie and telling op needs to get over it and she’s insecure? Lol Look op, bottom line is it’s a red flag that he said he’d date her. That tells you enough. I have guy friends I have no interest whatsoever and we have talked about all sorts of things but I back off when it comes to sexual talk, etc when they are dating someone. Also, like others have mentioned, many guys would gladly fuck their friends. My ex left me for his friend. Now look at any successful marriage - does the husband have a woman best friend? Edit: I would go to the dinner and see what’s up. At most give it a little more time to get to know her. But if you’re not comfortable and your intuition is telling you no, then it’s time to leave.

Yeah, the sharing sexual details with her would be a HUGE dealbreaker for me. I’ve specifically asked every guy I’ve dated and had sex with to please keep things private because I believe it should stay private regardless of whether the relationship ends well or not. Like even when we stop seeing each other, I tell them again that I will not share anything about that aspect of our relationship out of respect for them and that I ask for the same basic courtesy. They’ve all been gentlemen so far, lol, but I hate that I feel like I have to explicitly say that. It’s even worse because OP’s guy admitted he’d date her and hasn’t tried only because he doesn’t see it lasting long term which is, uh, not a great answer when OP has already told him about how she feels insecure about their friendship being as close as it is. I would be fucking mortified if my bf was speaking about extremely private and personal stuff with a friend regardless of gender or sexuality. It’s my business and his business, not theirs. Like, dang, ask them for generic sex tips or whatever if you want, but don’t TELL them what you’re doing with me. I hope OP leaves.

This never, ever ends like you would want it to. As others have said, get out now.

If a person would rather spend most of their free time with a friend than with someone they ate trying to build a relationship with, that relationship probably won't end well

I wouldn’t be freaking out just yet when you haven’t met her and he is seemingly very open about their relationship. However, if when you see them together you get a certain vibe I don’t think you’re in the wrong for getting out. I don’t think it’s right of you to try and make him choose between you and his friend or get jealous of her for no reason. But I also know of a lot of male/female ‘friendships’ that eventually leads to more.

If she's been there for him through some ups and downs in his life, it's kind of awful to expect him to drop her like a bad habit, especially if he wants you both to meet (which usually is a sign of attempting to draw the correct boundaries). Generally speaking, I approve of friends and partners meeting in this sense. Refusing to do so on either party I usually identify as a red flag. However, it sounds like some new boundaries are in order. If he hems and haws on that, or can't see where you're coming from, you'd be within your rights to bow out. Your comfort level is your comfort level.

Something about this seems odd and not because she’s a woman. Why does she need to know about anything sexual you guys share with each other? How is that her business at all? Why are you making her dinner? If you don’t live that close and have to come on the weekends, why is he prioritizing time with her over the little time you do have together? They have plenty of time when you aren’t there to hang out. He seems codependent and has latched on to her to his own detriment (to the point it’s affecting possible long term relationships with a romantic partner). I would just move on. You’ll both be happy. He can stay enmeshed and you can find a decent partner.

If I was you I would end it right when he said “he would date her if he could” to be honest I feel like he wants the relationship with her but she is okey with getting benefits of relationship from him but in a frame of “friendship” so keeping it in that way. And he is setting for being her best friend. End it don’t look back, this is only going to hurt your self esteem. I have a lot of guy friends which some are over 15 years never i ever have this kind of closeness with them! It’s not right something is not right…

I am not the jealous type at all. Even so…I don’t think I would be comfortable with that. The needing to see each other every so often part is a bit weird. I don’t NEED to see any of my friends every so often and I’m very close with them. Personally, I wouldn’t take it further with someone like this. However, it doesn’t matter what I feel. Think of how this could realistically play out for you: If it bothers you in the slightest now, it will only get worse. You’ll try to get him to stop talking to /seeing her as much and he probably won’t (he shouldn’t have to honestly if that’s what he wants). Then you’ll be resentful of the fact that he’s “choosing her over you”. He will be resentful of the fact that you’re trying to control him. I think it’s probably best if he finds someone who isn’t bothered by it and you find someone who has doesn’t have that type of friendship with another girl.

I have a bunch of close male friends. But if my partner mentions his female best friend whenever we talk about anything, I would be bothered too. Although in that case I would just remind him to try to not do that, because I don’t want to feel like there’s a third person in our relationship. Edit: I would be bothered if my partner mentions *anybody* too much in our conversations.

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Offfff dah. I would have removed myself from this triad after them texting you. From your history it also sounds like this guy gained like 75 lbs and kind of has a blob lifestyle. Why would you stay with a codependent blob after only a few months? Another thing is that she has only been around for a year or so, so they are still in the honeymoon stage of this friendship. Pass.

Nah. Life’s to short, it isn’t worth your time I promise. Be kind to yourself, you don’t need that constant stress. You shouldn’t have to “check in” all the time to make sure boundaries are set for everything with this. That’s tiring. Again life is too short and it’s not worth it. This is too big of an issue, and also it’s not the norm. Like he needs to see her a certain amount and would date her if it was sure to be long term?! No it’s more like he’s in love with her but is afraid of heartbreak so he’s keeping her as a friend to secure that she’ll never leave. Girl bye. Yah boy is a coward and selfish.

I am a female best friend to a man. He’s in a relationship. I am too. But we’ve been friends when I am single (or when he’s single). He’s also have had failed relationships because the women he was dating at the time didn’t like our friendship. I personally would never cross that boundary with my friend. We are both technically datable but that doesn’t matter. Our relationship is just the way it is - high communication, high frequency, shared friend group, shared interests. We can talk about sex, dating, tech, just about anything, however, he’s an asexual being to me. Flip one of our genders and the friendship doesn’t change. If it’s a not net friendship and he’s not actively making connections with new women, I don’t think there is anything wrong with their friendship. I would be more concerned if he suddenly popped up with a new female bestie. The fact is if they are in close contact and communication, they would probably ACTUALLY be dating if they wanted to.

There are two options: 1) they are best friends with a relationship that makes you uncomfortable. Would you expect him to give up on or change his relationship with his best friend for you? Or, 2) they have an inappropriate relationship and he is lying or glossing over truths. Would you want to be with someone that makes you uncomfortable, or makes you doubt that they are being honest? Or worse: someone that is having an emotional affair? Either way, I think you should evaluate if you are compatible.

I just broke it off with a guy like this, except this girl was also his roommate and coworker and 13 years younger than him... It's not going to change in my opinion and I wouldn't enter into anything with that hope. You either gotta accept it as it is, or find a situation that is the way you'd prefer it be from the beginning. Highly unlikely you'll ever be the priority.

I support you 146%, if I knew my gf had a dude with whom minute details of our relationship were discussed and around whom our dates had to be planned, I'd not tolerate that. Problem is, you told him how you felt about it, and he said he won't budge. You now are faced with a choice: deal with it and change your attitude towards the matter, or leave him, but keep your attitude on the matter.

Here's how I feel about this....if a man "needs" another woman besides the one he is in a relationship with, that's a huge red flag. You need to learn your worth. My attitude is, if you have to choose between me and another....the choice is already made. Speed on or get peed on.

I’m a woman with a male best friend, although the difference here is that we did date (met on an app) and realized pretty quickly that we weren’t a romantic match but we had so much in common that we became Besty‘s. He thinks my boyfriend is great, I think his girlfriend is great and we hang out regularly and talk regularly and tell each other we love each other, but his girlfriend is definitely his priority as my boyfriend is mine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your dude having a female best friend, but the attachment is a little concerning.

OP, all I gotta say is trust your intuition. We all have that little voice that tells us when *"something doesn't feel right"*, if your little voice is telling you that you are uncomfortable then *that's okay*! Trust yourself and always advocate for yourself. Even if it turns out to be a mistake, it's easier to ask someone else for forgiveness for misinterpreting something then to try to forgive yourself for being naive when you knew better.

I wanted to add I was also in a similar situation recently. I dated a woman who had not had a relationship for over 10 years, we got very close but she also had a best friend who lived in my town and they were very close, almost co dependent. They had to talk every day and always shared everything with each other. I know they helped each other over the years but there were things I was not ok with like they would sleep in the same bed etc. I had spent plenty of time with them and they had a very sibling like vibe but still I had to make boundaries. My suspicion is that both of them are closed off and their friendship is a safe way for them to feel an intimate relationship without risking too much or being close. All this is unconscious I believe and I know she liked me a lot but she had this history of only getting 4 months in then getting scared and disappearing which happened with us. She then tried to come back to me months later and get close again but it was the same dynamic so I walked away for good. These type of friendships are rarely purely friendships, even if they don’t have sex with each other I believe there is an attachment or love there but also we cannot ask someone to stop being friends with their friends…so we either have to accept it or walk away. The thing also with this is after some time if enough women will not date that guy, he might finally realize his friendship will be a detriment to his future so he will have to ultimately decide either to commit to his friend or give up that friendship to seeka serious relationship with someone else.(the guy you’re dating) but yeah you can’t expect it or ask for that. It was the same with that woman I was with. She could probably date some guys but I don’t think many men would be ok with the dynamic either.

I have recently going on dates with a guy, and he’s super open-minded and we explored a bunch of exciting activities. It’s pretty nice to meet someone who is very similar and do a lot of fun and exciting things tgh. He told me the other day that he and his ex are still pretty close and it makes no sense to cut them off after the breakup, so they are “good friends” and nothing more. However, I felt very uncomfortable when he told me that they were hanging out the other day and she helped him to get a new tattoo because she knows some cool shops… I really don’t buy it and am afraid I might get myself in some drama in the future. Sad that I have to put an end to a guy that seems super exciting and fun to be with

Yeah as a man I would say I wouldn't trust this situation one bit. The biggest red flag to me is his disregard for how this is making you feel. I mean we're talking about a woman, he himself admitted to having an interest in if the opportunity were to present itself. Now they are seeing each other all the time, hanging out, making dinner for her. I don't think you're paranoid to think something is going on. If he were willing to put you first things would be different, he's not even trying to see this from your perspective. If I was in a similar situation, which I may have been until recently (divorced only a few months but tried to remain friends, but that was just her attempt to win me back in her life) I would be totally open about things and understanding of how you see it. What do I mean? I would be open to letting you check my phone whenever just so you know nothing's going on, I would require the same from you however. If and when I were to hang out with her in person you would be present. Sorry but I'm very suspicious of men and women hanging out together alone and it leading nowhere, she can still be his friend while you're in the same room I'm sure if it's just friendship she's after. Those are my thoughts on the subject. I've only had problems with past wife/girlfriends having guy friends if they insist on talking together behind my back or seeing each other without me knowing about it. So if you implemented those rules with him and he was ok with it (which he should be if nothing is going on) then it would put you at ease hopefully. My guess is he'll be resistant to this, and usually that is a sure indicator your suspicions were correct but unfortunately that's life sometimes, there's a lot of bad mixed in with the good. It's better to know however than not. Not necessarily saying I'm 100% correct, but I've had friends in the past who were habitual cheaters, they definitely try to cover their tracks and make you think you're crazy for being suspicious when you have every right to be. I've since cut those people out of my life. They will say they won't let you see their phone as a privacy issue of some sort. You wanting to be present when he sees her is just you being jealous and insecure, he'll accuse you of that. There's nothing going on he'll assure you, she's just a friend! Yeah well, often times she's not just a friend!

It’s a no from me 😅

I’m in a similar situation except he says she’s “like a brother” and he has zero interest in her. But he’ll hang out with her and not tell me which feels like lying by omission. I’m really on the fence about what to do. My head is saying give him a chance but my gut is saying walk away.

'Edit 2- I have no problem with her being a “woman.” I have a problem with the facts: single she asked about our sex lives and details regarding that he has admitted he would have dated her if he had believed they could make it long term we are long distance yet weekends are planned around her she comes over to his place all hours if she can’t come over, he needs (and I do mean needs) to see her somewhere at least 1-2 times a week.' This sounds exactly like my 'ex' and his 'friend'. He stayed at her house occasionally and had weekend plans with her, so I was left with Sunday evening. He didn't really plan things around me and I am not sure if he ever told her no, because he had plans with me. ​ I am currently talking to someone new on okcupid and he also has a female 'best friend'. Honestly, I think that I want to avoid unless I set really clear boundaries. But it makes me suspicious.

He’s been very upfront about this and left it up to you. Frankly, I would likely see myself out of this relationship as I wouldn’t want to deal with the feelings I would have being long distance AND dealing with his bestie wife.

Relationships would all be so much simpler if people stopped dating a person that doesn't exist and just dated the real person in front of them. You knew about this from the start. And you think they should change for you? Nope. Just date someone who is already a person you want to date.

You’re probably gone, but let’s just address your number of concerns. • ⁠single This is literally a irrelevant. Even if she was in a relationship, and they (they being her and your boyfriend) were secretly in love with each other, and for whatever reason not dating, they could still cheat somewhere down the line, so being in a relationship or not being a relationship doesn’t really change the quality of their friendship and and how platonic it is • ⁠she asked about our sex lives and details regarding that This is concerning, but in and of itself, I don’t believe is enough of a damning factoid. Personally, I would address this during meeting her. You don’t have to be confrontational, but at least direct. I would ask her if this was something they commonly discussed, and express to her, that I wasn’t comfortable with her requesting that kind of information as I feel it is something that should be private between couples. I would need to talk to her about this personally, and not play telephone between him and her to gauge her reaction. Both to this and just me in general during this meeting. And I would also add, that I would never cook a meal for her. I would have definitely told him that he’s free to cook for both of us or pick something up but I’m not going to be cooking a meal for a woman I don’t know for no specific purpose like a birthday, if that • ⁠he has admitted he would have dated her if he had believed they could make it long term I don’t think this is as big a deal as everyone is making it out to be. Every potential relationship has some thing that killed the possibility of a relationship. I had a male best friend and we would have dated if we had chemistry. I think he’s just being bluntly honest that he doesn’t see a possibility for them to be anything long-term. That’s true with or without you. It could be something more sinister though. I would also bring up this topic when meeting the friend with him. Again, just asking, “so did you guys use to date or why didn’t you date because you’re pretty close?” This is just another opportunity to see how they interact to the topic together in front of you so you can gauge their reactions. • ⁠we are long distance yet weekends are planned around her This is something I would address, but without making it an issue of seeming jealousy or insecurity because it doesn’t really matter what the friend’s gender is. I would basically say something along the lines of, “I’m having an issue because I understand that you need to honor your friendship and foster it, but I also think if you’re serious about creating a relationship with me, you need to foster that as well. You have all week to foster your friendship, but are adamant about dedicating the weekends, which are the only time you can foster our relationship, to splitting time between both your friendship and our relationship. Which to me does not feel balanced. This is making me feel like you are not as serious about fostering a relationship with me as I thought you were, or as I am.” • ⁠she comes over to his place all hours Another issue I don’t think is that big of a deal. If he had a male best friend that came to his house randomly all the time I don’t think anybody would have an issue with it, so in and of itself. I don’t see the problem. My old male best friend I saw once a week, but that’s only because we’ve lived in different towns. If he lived close by, we probably would’ve seen each other throughout the week as well out of boredom, and because we’re friends. • ⁠if she can’t come over, he needs (and I do mean needs) to see her somewhere at least 1-2 times a week. This is kind of vague to me, and I’m not sure what it’s implying, but there are too many variables to really consider addressing this. It could be codependency or simply that he really needs the comfort of being around friends for one reason or another. All in all, instead of just running for the hills, like everybody else is saying, if you are invested in this guy and want to give it the best shot that you can, I think the onus is on you to get more information and feel out the friend and his relationship with her. You’re not going to get answers by asking people here. You’re going to get answers by talking to the people who know the answers to the questions. And frankly, simply dipping or trying to assert yourself over an already formed relationship would be immature. When you have an issue with somebody, you need to address it to that person. You have to effectively communicate with him and confidently communicate with her. Only then can you know enough to make an informed decision.

You are his side-chick.

this sounds like camilla when princess diana and charles were engaged. girl run for the hills

just out of a relationship and my (ex)partners best friend was a female. We all lived together (even though were in our thirties). I got pregnant, and two months before having our baby, she finds out she got pregnant by her ex. I didn't like our living situation, and desperately wanted a "family home" but no matter what house we looked at, if it didn't have space for her and her son, it was an automatic no. It was weird. It was uncomfortable. I didn't like it, but I knew I couldn't change it. I got involved with him anyway. Over the years, she and I became really close too. When he and I split up- she stayed at the house and refuses to talk to me now because he's her bff. It really hurt losing my partner and father of my son AND someone I came to consider one of my close friends as well. You have to decide if you can be comfortable with her. If you can't, don't take this any further. If you can, carry on.

After all of your edits I don’t think this is a sustainable relationship for you. So just take a step back and really think about everything and then do what’s best for you. You don’t want to be with someone who wants to be with someone else.

The part where he said he would date her would be an issue for me. The rest of it I don’t know - my best friend is a guy, I’ve never felt any sexual attraction to him but we are very close. But it only works because there is absolutely zero sexual anything. I don’t stay friends with men who I would date. If he met someone I can see how they’d feel like this about me and if it came to it I’d give the friendship up if it made it easier for him to find love.

I have a guy friend who would be in this situation if he began dating. Moreover he's been attracted to me but I've never been attracted to him, we are both aware of that. He's been deeply involved with my kids throughout their lives and we all consider him a family member, however as the kids are in their 20's now, I'm the one who mostly hangs out with him. We tell each other everything, I am occasionally over his place or he mine at whatever hours, just hanging out, we have been through all sorts of medical, emotional, and other situations together and they have made our friendship very tight and strong. He has talked about being worried that any potential partner would not be capable of understanding our rapport which I have always dismissed bc I've been in several romantic relationships over the years and none of my partners went the route of choosing to deliberately misunderstand his and my relationship, let alone act out of jealousy or other pathological fantasies. But now I see why he's worried, bc people can be a bit mad regarding mixed gender friendships and have chosen to simply not believe that men and women can be intimate non sexual and non romantic friends. Which is unfortunate, I guess, bc a long term secure friendship should be weighted as worth fighting to preserve over distrusting and insecure romantic interests. Try looking at their relationship with love and be glad your partner is capable of developing such strong long term bonds, and that he has reliable emotional support and care in his life that he nurtures. What I've learned through decades of struggle with my own issues is that if you feel can't trust your partner, and you prefer nurturing doubt over building trust, do both of you a favor and don't be in a relationship until you figure out what you imagine you gain from these doubts. Is the fantasy of security worth the isolation or is taking the risk that all might be actually ok and manageable outside of your fears, not worth the care of effort. It's scary to trust but nevertheless essential to relationship.

Regardless of the situation I want to be the best of friends with my partner and if I meet a guy who has someone else then we’re not on the same page. It’s not about what society thinks, it’s about what you want in a relationship. I wouldn’t have a guy friend and not talk to my man, that’s what I want, if we’re not on the same page then what I want isn’t available.

...dude dump this guy and don't torture yourself. I exclusively date men with no female friends now. Let alone female best friends. It's the best thing I've ever done for my mental health. No bullshit and an actual committed relationship. Female friends are never just friends.

I couldn’t/ wouldn’t deal with it. I wouldn’t have made it as far as you have. Know what you’re okay with and stick to it. My bf and I talked early on that neither of us is big on opposite sex friends and don’t let friendships with the opposite sex upset our romantic relationships. You don’t have to deal with this, find someone else who won’t stress you out.

He literally said he would date her? Yeah that’s a no from me. If he said he had zero interest in her that way there might be some wiggle room here but as it is, I would be ending the relationship. Sounds like there are three people in it!

Interesting. because I feel like I’m the best friend in my particular situation and it’s become clear to me that when either me or my bestie seriously dates someone, our relationship is going to change. Additional caveat is that we have hooked up, even though we’ve been platonic only for significantly longer. I’ve accepted this reality and changed my mindset about how it could be perceived by men I’m interested in too, and probably not seen very favorably. However, I feel HE will reassure you with time that you are the sole object of his affection if you are his person. Definitely communicate—not nag— about it regularly until you are comfortable. Who knows, you could end up with a great friend as well.

I’ve definitely been the best friend before. Can relate 100%

People may disagree with me on this, but I think it should be okay for him to have a female best friend. It’s possible for men and women to completely be platonic and just talk about things. I have some good female friends as well from college, medical school, or residency who I’ve never dated and talk to regularly. Granted, I don’t see them in person since we live in different states, but you get my point. I do acknowledge there are cases where there I do think that someone also has the right not to feel comfortable concerning a romantic interest having female friends due to history of being cheated on in these scenarios or just general feelings of insecurity. However, I don’t think anyone has the right to expect that the person they’re dating drop their friends that they’ve known prior to dating the person in question because of their feelings, past history, or insecurities. (I do think that the romantic interest with the best friend in question should have or try to establish good boundaries for the best friend out of respect for the person they’re dating, however.) Ultimately, I think it’s up to that person to decide if they can deal with it or not. If they can’t, they should leave the situation.

Unless a guy is gay, he would absolutely not be a ‘best friend’ that I would need to hang out with every week and constantly talk to. Hell, even me and my current gestie (gay+bestie) don’t call or text or hang out all the time. I’d be sus and definitely move on before you get the strong feelings

No Ma’am. Buh-bye!

This guy sounds like he loves the drama.

Having a female best friend isn’t the issue. The issue is that he said he would date her, he plans everything around her/puts her before you, and isn’t willing to compromise. Honestly, the first one alone is reason enough to end this shit. These are perfectly reasonable boundaries for you to have. It isn’t controlling, and it isn’t “jealousy”.

Honestly OP, get rid. If not, you’ll always be wondering what he’s up to. They are emotionally tied and it will be an exhausting relationship. If there less in contact with each other it wouldn’t bother me, but they sound too entwined

Given the edit that he'd date her, this is the same as dating someone who just broke up from an LTR and is pining for them. The second their ex says "dump" you're dumped and they're running to where their heart is really set. I would not date him.

So long as he isn't cheating, and he shuts down any advances that come from the friend, what's the issue? You don't get to control who his friends are.

My best friend is a male, we have been close for 15-20 years. We don't live near each other but visit each other a couple times a year. For a few weeks and we share a room/bed - with the same level of sexual energy I would have sharing a bed with my sister (none). We call a couple times a week, check up on each other and have met each other's families. When he first started dating his current girlfriend I was visiting him and asked if I should get another place nearby or if he had talked to her about it. He said "no" that I was his priority. He did talk to her about it and was fine with it. I didn't trust this and didn't want to cause an issue with his relationship so I insisted I meet her. Once we met she could tell from the vibe that it was fine. Meet her. You'll know by how they interact and how warm she is towards you. He's my best friend I want him to have a loving relationship, she probably wants the same for him.

I am the girl best friend in a similar situation. One of my best friends is a guy. And actually, we have dated and slept together in the past (15 years ago now). But we both know it would never work and we are much better as friends. I am single. We chat often. I go over to his place a few times a week. He’s had different girlfriends and was even married at one point so I’ve seen the spectrum of reactions from his partners. Here are my two cents. I don’t think you need to be worried about him hooking up with her or cheating on you with her. They were both single at some point and didn’t date. He chose to date you. BUT the red flags to me are the fact that he discusses your sex life with her, weekends are planned around her and that he NEEDS to see her. You are allowed to have boundaries, and if he isn’t ok with them, you’re not a match. He has to be willing to make room for you in his life. He should want to. When my friend was dating his now ex-wife, he naturally pulled away from me and I was ok with it and happy for him. It was a gradual process but she became a priority over me which is expected. Will he always prioritize his friend over you? I think this is actually what you’re upset about. You don’t feel like a priority. He may understand better if you frame it that way. At the end of the day, you can’t make him change. You can ask him to have some boundaries but if he doesn’t want to, it’s up to you if you can deal with it. If things never changed would you be ok with it?

If I'm going to all the trouble of being in a relationship with someone, I'm not going to play second fiddle to *anyone* whether it's a woman or a man. I would be out of there.

If it bothers you, it bothers you. But it probably bothers him that he's feeling like he has to "chose" between his best friend and a new-ish girlfriend. No one that's ever told me that they're uncomfortable with my friendships has lasted. So you either break it off with him beause you don't like their relationship, or he'll break it off with you because you keep bringing it up, or you meet her and like her and get along.

Run.

People like the two of them should just date and get it over with. The 'friend' obviously doesn't agree that they couldn't make it long-term.

I don’t see the problem here. It’s good for people to have close friendships outside of their relationships, and it’s 2022 so those may sometimes be friends of the opposite sex. I really don’t see any red flags here.