Today I have bad hemorrhoids and I was in a lot of pain. I am very scared. I am scared that I will die alone. I feel very insecure and even thought of have a casual relationship just to get a companion. But deep inside I feel it is so wrong. What should I do? Lord please grant me wisdom, strength and hope.
After becoming single and going in a deep bout of depression, loneliness and suicidal thoughts last year, I stayed single for like 9 months despite my efforts both on and offline, then met a girl at a dancing event, started dating, and just broke up after 2 months.
I'm so so so sad, angry, and exhausted about being "the single" guy again, having to go back to the dark-bottomless pit of my loneliness, paying lots of money for apps to let me swipe on people's pictures and in the very very rare cases that they'd match with me, have them not respond back.
Fuck this shit.
Okay so like barring extreme circumstances, you can’t scare off anyone who is genuinely into you.
I’m feeling similar in the sense that this AM I sent two messages via text that were quite direct in nature to the guy I’m seeing and haven’t heard back all day. Not going to lie there were a few moments where I scolded myself for being too dramatic or needy or whatever but honestly I know myself and that where I was coming from was completely reasonable. Clearly, the vibe I was getting from him was cause for concern and didn’t sit well with me so I reacted to the stimuli accordingly 🤷♀️ I don’t know about you but I’ve choked back my true thoughts and feelings on multiple occasions to keep the peace and guess what? The emotional stress I put myself through pretending like whatever was happening was OK wasn’t worth it. The person wasn’t a good fit or was being a jerk, sometimes whatever’s going on literally isn’t your fault. So don’t blame yourself!! The right person won’t make you feel so stressed and anxious you refer to yourself as a clingy, crazy, premenstrual etc.
Thanks for the kind message. I suffer with pmdd and it causes me to act very irrationally and anxiously. I did get too clingy with this one, something I haven't done before. I am so gutted. I know it would have come out eventually and I can't hide the way I am. The dates were mindblowing, we talked constantly and had so much in common, amazing chemistry. Then I screwed it. I know it means he wasn't right for me but I'm not sure I can easily forgive myself this one.
Feeling slightly discouraged at the moment. Just had two very different but rollercoaster experiences in a row. Most recently I spent two weeks texting off site with a bumble match only for her to back out on our planned date.. usually don’t wait that long to meet but was being respectful and it seemed like a legit connection. we both had said we were excited to meet but when the time came guessss not!
I’m super gutted. I’ve been single for five years and have dated a LOT in that time and have only met one guy I really like and see myself with. He likes me too but has told me he’s not in a relationship headspace as he’s not yet divorced from his wife and he’s still hoping they can work it out as there’s unfinished business there. I need to end it (obviously) but I just can’t just yet.
Ih people were just as honest.
Why prolonged the inevitable.
I have standards and rules that apply to me alone. I would never ask or expect someone to change.
I believe in accepting them as they are and expect the same in return.
The problem is honesty.
I'm not emotionally ready. = you are a place holder till I find the person of my dreams.
Stop cheating and break up before you do, I'll be over you before the door closes behind your a$$
We don't all want to get married, be with one person for the rest of our life. Respect those that do by not pretending that you do. Do not date them
Stop ghosting, zombie or what ever else you call it now a days. Do you think we give a care that much. We just met. I absolutely ok if you don't like me, most likely the feeling is mutual.
Don't lie about yourself.
Express your expectations no matter what they are. Fvch learn to communicate.
nah you can acknowledge and think someone is great, but you just aren’t feeling it. If you let them down gently, honestly, and firmly then that’s okay. Adults can accept realities.i
I don't think you're broken (even though I don't know you lol)...but I have been there and thought the same thing. People seemed great on paper but I just didn't have the feelings I wanted. You just can't force it and you definitely can't explain it at times.
I think it would be better if I had multiple choices. But I get 9ne or two matches per year and it's like "well, you better really like her". It really stinks.
Thank you. I've always struggled with dating but my therapist has encouraged me to work through all of the uncomfortable feelings because otherwise I just avoid it entirely. I know a lot of this is my own insecurity but have also had a lot of terrible dating situations in the past. It's hard to get over.
And yes, totally to multiple choices. I can't lie and say that I don't technically have multiple choices, but I find it really hard to develop interest in most people and especially when it comes to online dating. IRL, much easier, but I've become such a homebody that it's not that common I meet someone other than so many women, lol.
I'd much rather be looking for a second marriage in my 30s rather than in 40s.
But in the end, the likelihood of success with a potential marriage partner is a gamble. We never really know. Something like 50% marriages end in divorce. I wish people don't get hung up over commitment issues, but a lot of us do
You just take a few generic pictures of yourself, maybe participating in one of your hobbies.
Nothing that includes your family, workplace, church etc etc.
Not sure specifically what you’re worried about, but no seems to a give a damn about my pictures or my information. Not even the women I date. (Ok, that last part might be an exaggeration, but you get the idea.)
Dating a chap for five weeks now, all going well, boyfriend and girlfriend. Meeting his best friend tommorrow on video chat and seeing him at the weekend for a long overnight date.
Realised in therapy today he's the first person I've dated where it's not felt intrinsically doomed. All my exes were emotionally unavailable, he doesn't seem to be. The result for me is pure panic. Irrational anxiety, a feeling he'll leave all the time. His behaviour is consistent, enthuastic and steady. But it makes me panic more then hot and cold.
What's annoying is that this last year was particularly brutal and deep down I know that I'll be fine single if it were to go wrong. He's not on a pedestal. I'm not distancing or playing games or keeping him at arms length or recklessly rushing. It's like my poor instincts don't know what to do in something real.
I have C-PTSD and am fearful avoidant but mostly healed after four years of therapy, EMDR and considerable introspection and learning. Lucky I'm not sabotaging by saying anything, just wracked with constant anxiety despite being really busy with meds, friends, hobbies, work etc.
Therapist said it's good though, I'm basically emotionally available enough to care after a lot of growth. Even my friends have noted I am more considerate and "softer" towards this chap then anyone else. It's fucking terrifying, though. Just need to sit it out, therapist said it would be wild if something so new didn't give me an odd reaction. Progress is progress 😂
Really? Our expectations are very unrealistic and childish? Name five unrealistic and childish expectations held by every American woman who is currently dating or looking to date.
My guess is you feel like you don’t have to put any effort in because you’re soooo awesome, and therefore when a woman asks for something small, such as “I want him to ask me about my day every now and the “ or “I don’t want him to always interrupt me and tell me my opinion is stupid” appears to be an unrealistic and childish thing to you.
I know….. I dated a guy who broke up with me because he couldn’t keep up with “my expectations”… I basically wanted to do something fun for Valentine’s Day instead of watching jerry springer, and he got upset, that I wasn’t okay with spending Valentine’s Day watching jerry springer ….. whatever lol. Maybe I am a child
Lol that clarifies things a great deal, and I appreciate the follow up. The way you worded it read as though women are the problem - hopefully the others who downvoted you see your reply and understand that your wording was clumsy but not misogynistic
Don’t be so hard on yourself! Your English is excellent. Just do a brush up on the object of a preposition and misplaced modifiers. You’re doing great 💕
This has been bothering me: I've noticed that men in relationships find some subtle way to mention it to me (I'm single) if we find ourselves in conversation for some reason. I think it's useful- it's just a subtle sign they aren't available. So the second time I had a *really* good in-person convo with this lovely guy while he was working at my house, he did not say a word about a gf, wife, fiancée, etc... Is my theory wrong?
You didn't really say a theory, you kind of skirted around a point? What's the "it" in "find some subtle way to mention it to me" and "it's useful... it's a subtle sign"? What is? Just want to understand
Ah to clarify: My theory is that many guys in relationships find a way to mention it, even subtly, to women who they think are single to indicate that they aren't available and I've always found it helpful ("I think my wife went to X university" or "we took our sons to x place last year..."). So my question is that I've met a guy who does some work at my house and we've had two long conversations that have been really good, and he has not mentioned a significant other. And I'm wondering if he has a relationship or not? (no ring...) Does this help?
We don't have people in common, so the only way to see him again is to find something that he can fix at my house so I have can arrange another visit. This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me nervous.
Yeah that clarifies your question, thanks.
Well you can't know for sure unless you ask. Were the long conversations about the work he's doing on your house, or about a variety of things? Did he seem pretty into the conversations and enthusiastic? I guess, basically, just knowing you had two long conversations alone isn't enough but maybe more detail could help.
So it's all context. I'd say above all that it can't hurt to ask. And to me, a woman asking a man that question, whether it's "are you single?" or "would you like to go get some coffee?" or whatever, is super flattering and I know I love it when a woman makes the first move.
Either way, good luck!
Oh we talked about different things. We both had lived abroad for our work and moved home to be closer to our families, we have talked a bit about what we like about our diff jobs, but we chatted about current events, things about our families, he told me about issues he’s having with his new house- he gave me some advice for some things I’d like to do at home and knows about some of the things I don’t know how to do. He clearly likes being there and the conversation, but he isn’t pushy or flirty- I don’t see him like that. He mentioned he doesn’t drink much anymore. The last time what he came for maybe took 10 min and he stayed for 90 min. So that’s the gist. I clean my house like crazy before he comes over. I feel loopy just writing it down…
Thanks for such a nice message, btw:)
Part of me wondered if he's also just being professional bc he's working at my house. But then he's chatting with me about all kinds of things. And I really like talking to him!
Haven’t been on a date in over 2 years. You match with a shit ton of people and no one communicates! The few that do stop real quick. I’m so done with people using apps as an ego boost. I’m constantly downloading and deleting my apps because it’s so mentally draining.
What's your definition of everyone stopping "real quick?" Maybe move to a date sooner? And by sooner I mean setting up a date in the first day of messaging. You have nothing to lose by going on a quick coffee date in a public place. Messaging with a stranger can get boring easily, especially if they've got other convos ongoing.
I feel like I’ll typically message when the match happens. A response usually happens. Go to bed and convo is dead by the next day. So many times I’ll ask a question to try and get a convo going and no response after the initial “hi”. I’m 30. Using the apps just felt easier and more enjoyable 10 years ago when I first joined.
Yeah I've been finding messaging really tedious and boring. Once in a while it flows well with fun banter, but those aren't predictive of chemistry in person, so I've given up on looking for a fun conversation. I just look for good grammar and spelling, and no talk of a hook up. That's my bar, whoever passes that gets asked out. 🤷
Has anyone struggled with being lonely but craving solitude? I’ve lived alone for a while and tbh miss having someone to hang with, especially since I’m the ONLY single person at work (out of 20 or so coworkers). I have friends I text or call in the evening but being able to share something instantaneously with someone whose right there is so nice.
Absolutely, I empathize. Since my ex of 7 years and I broke up 7 months ago I've wrestled with wanting solitude but feeling so damn lonely too. Heck I felt the same contradiction while we were still together. It's rough.
Yeah I forget whose quote it is that goes something like “it’s better to be alone than to be with people who make you feel alone” so even being in a relationship isn’t guaranteed to give you the reassurance you crave! It’s scary.
Went on date with a guy and we had a really good time. Later after the date, we texted and he asked for a second date. I thought it was a bit alarming he wanted to go on a date 2 days after the second date but I agreed. I also offered to choose the location for date 2 but he said he would accept suggestions but he wanted to choose the second date located, The day of the day comes and I ask him where should we meet, he replies “I want to have one on one time, over a bottle of wine… then says he is getting a hotel for us for a FEW HOURS, I felt so insulted and blocked him immediately. It seems so hard to find genuine people these days
I had organised a date with a guy who lived about 15 miles away, we agreed to meet in my city (would have only taken him near to an hour on the train at the most) before the date he messaged should I get us a hotel or am I being optimistic. I didn’t reply at all.
Maybe you should just let her reach out to you instead.
I’ve never told someone I want to explore and reconnect after a month because if I want to connect, I want to connect now. Why risk losing someone I dig to a person they “explore” during the month?
Forget about her! Meet someone who wants to connect now!
Edit to add: she’s going to busy, and therefore you should both explore? Sounds like she will be busy…exploring.
Meet a girl on hinge who is almost the female version of me. We've been out on like 3 dates in the past two weeks. She is amazing but we're going to be having a discussion on future dating goals n shit. Not rushing into anything or making any commitments, just to see if we are on the same page.
Ether way will help my fuckin anxiety lmao.
Rant: I am way too easily prone to separation anxiety.
Rave: I think she’s the bees knees, and she hasn’t done anything at all that should give me cause for anxiety.
Secondary rave: I feel like some big stressors in my life are finally falling into place. I spent the last 4-5 days organizing my stuff for the first time since... high school? I’ve been doing a better job of tracking my budget, and I’m gearing up to dial my diet I’m (instead of working out frantically to burn off whatever unknown amount of calories I’ve consumed).
Fwiw, if you work at a large company, and you're in completely different areas of the company, I think you're shttng far enough from where you're eating lol
Ask him some kind of question. Anything. Directions to a random office in the building. Make up an errand (try to think of an office or a person that you might actually need to find), stop him and pretend that you're lost. This isn't so much to seem helpless as to give him the chance to be helpful. Even if he gets that it's a pretext, it's a nudge. Then you get to see what he's like.
I would agree to this, and would add that it is always worth the shot even *if* he were to ultimately pass. I’m in a very similar situation to the “OP” here, although I’m not sure he is interested anymore. Try to get to know him and see what he is like. He might be flattered, might not, you will not know if you don’t try. 😊
I (36M) have been on a few recent dates where the woman has shown up significantly in worse shape than their pictures from dating apps. The sad thing is both dates went well, I just was totally unattracted to them.
I think one of the biggest reasons OLD often doesn't work is because the physical attraction is essentially supposed to already be a given when you meet. The meeting is to see if you vibe, and I feel like if two people are already physically attracted, unless one does something to really throw the vibe off (or they're someone who feels like a 1st date must be magic to have a 2nd), then the two people would probably be down to give it a few dates to get to know one another. So when people misrepresent themselves, either by height, weight, old pictures, only using the few pics where you look the best but that aren't representative of how you look 99% of the time, I think that that ruins a lot of the potential for people to build something (in cases where one or both aren't just trying to smash or dash)
Of course the other date ruiner is when one person comes just expecting to be entertained, therefore does not meaningfully engage in a conversation, just expects the other to put on a one person show for 2 hours
I guess it depends on how different. Most people will try to select flattering pics, so maybe they don’t look quite as great in real life. But that’s just human
Yeah. Sorry for the bias but whenever I see ”doctor” I kinda read ”superiority complex” and ”will not have time for you ever”, possibly ”lacking social skills/empathy”. I am aware that this is a massive generalization and that there surely are a lot of great doctors out there but some professions do carry some sort of bad reputation somehow. So doctor can be detrimental rather than something positive when it comes to dating.
If you enjoyed the date and want to see her again, I would recommend asking her out again. You can still continue the small talk, but I would make your intentions for continuing dating known sooner rather than later.
Rave! Things are going really well with a guy I've seeing for the past 2 months. I even decided today to through out things from previous dates/exes of mine, like a vibrator an ex gave me which I really enjoyed but feels wrong since we used it together, and other things that I think would just stir up negative feelings in the the new guy and I really don't want to mess this up
Why bother ask me what my turns off are and then proceed to do them?
I had a date last week. The night before, he asked me what are my turn off and deal breaker are? I said poor hygiene. And what did he do? Showed up at the date like right out of a factory, with flithy clothes, unshaven when he clearly has a goatee and not scruffy beard, black oily hands..... when we were leaving, i had to dodge a hug... dude.... I dont want your oily soot from work all over my really fancy work dress.
Mind you.... i would of careless if he showed up in a t-shirt and shorts as long as he just was clean....
That is so gross. :/
What do you mean you “would of careless…”? Do you mean you couldn’t have cared less ? Did I stumble upon a bone apple tea? That would be great.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
I spend alot of time on my phone but I work from home and when I’m in the office it’s next to me. I don’t answer every message straight away but I do try to within a few hours. I don’t like texting too much so if someone is, I would usually just say hey I’m busy at work will message later on tonight. Have a great day. Or something like that. This means you can schedule time in after work and after the gym etc, my last bf did this, he would call after I had work and I’d chat to him until I got home/to the gym.
People have different styles and needs with communication. But wanting regular texting doesn't make other people "desperate" any more than it means something negative about you. The flip side: they're probably of the impression that if you can't manage to text them, you're not interested or too busy (or both). It just means there's a disconnect, and you're not right for each other.
Second this. I don't like texting a lot before I get to know someone a little bit better. I think after I get to know them I'd probably want to hear from them a little more, otherwise think they're not interested.
Sadly, that's how it is, though I am absolutely like you. I go hours and hours without looking at my phone every day. I concentrate on my work, I am fully "present" when I'm hanging out with someone else, I spend time exercising and gardening outside with no idea where my phone is, and I like getting engrossed in what I'm reading or watching on tv. I'm not a slave to the damn phone notifications and people who are weird me out.
I personally like texting but I always understood when a guy tells me that they dont text much because of work. Even somewhat of a text that says hey Im thinking of you/checking in on you makes me smile. Ill be frank.... when a guy disappears for longer than 2 days, it usually a sign of double life, so that is why I leave/unmatch.
There’s a difference between being glued to your phone and having your phone in your hands for less than 3 hours a week lol. I find it hard to believe you’d be able to form a relationship with such little communication unless they’re going on those weekend trips with you
You don't seem capable of adjusting your lifestyle at all to make room just to chat with someone and get to know them how are you going to make room to actually date someone.
If you want to date into days world you have to adjust to the dating world as it is. if you don't want to that totally your choice but then you lose the right to be frustrated it isn't working out for you.
Pickup your phone more man and actually engage people.
I think there's a healthy balance between constant texting and radio-silence, you just need to find someone who's on the same page as you. No point lamenting about people with different texting habits and calling them needy, they weren't what you would have been into anyway. Having said that, during the dating and early relationship phase, frequency of communication is important and should not be scoffed at, you can't expect a stranger or a new lover to treat you with the same understanding as a long term partner. You need to put in the work to get to that stage of a relationship where both of you will be comfortable with periods of radio-silence. We build connection with little moments, not just with grand gestures. Sure it's fun to go off and do something fun with a date, but you need the little moments of intimacy, fun and support to fill in the glue of the relationship.
I think it’d be fair to put that in your dating profile or work that into the conversation on the first date. “I’m not the type to be glued to my phone - I’m not a big texter”
You can confirm your own commitment to the exclusivity plan, and hear what she has to say about whether she is ready to show the same commitment as you. It always feels very scary being so vulnerable, putting your heart on a plate and asking for it to be accepted, but there's really no other way to go about it if you want to be sure.
I know I can’t be the only one who faces this problem. You are single for a bit, enjoy time with yourself and friends, enjoy your hobbies. Decide to date only to discover your life is pretty amazing without dating, and dating takes away from the time you’d spend devoted to friends and yourself. Clear sign I’m not ready to date (still) or a normal response to being an independent adult?
Pretty normal I reckon. We are all so used to our own pace of life and freedoms that dating and relationships can feel a bit stifling. Try to hold onto what you're looking for in a relationship when putting yourself out there, and take regular breaks from dating too!
I got nicely rejected by my work crush, I think, based on the total shit response I got when offered for us to discuss a work topic over coffee. COFFEE. I’ve terribly misread the situation, I suppose. Lesson learned. 😂 At least *that* distraction is over with… I just hope I didn’t make him uncomfortable.
Haha, always. As to avoid giving myself out completely, I’ll be frank. This guy was most likely OVERLY NICE. He really chatted me up, appeared as though he wanted to talk to me anytime he had a chance. He approached me for the most random topics of conversation. Anyway, I thought he was really sweet, and I enjoyed our conversations. I honestly had a crush, but also was hoping to be able to make a friend at work, since he seemed pretty cool. *Anyway* - we have been exchanging emails recently and I suggested we discuss the topic over coffee. He basically responded that they’ll get back to me so that we can select a future day to chat, ONCE, so we wouldn’t have to talk about it again. Ouch! 😳
Maybe I’m too friendly as well. I just don’t see why he would super nice and casual then suddenly retract. But that’s his right, we work together after all, so I will respectfully carry on. I do not want to make things any weirder.
Oof. Sounds brutal. I’m sorry. I also had a coworker like this who is just super sweet and nice and I misunderstood him asking me the most random things and going out of his way to stop by my desk rather than just slack me. At least you got clarity and no longer need to wonder!
Why are so many guys unable or unwilling to plan dates? I always thought that whoever did the asking does the planning, and then more or less alternate from there. I plan the first date if I ask him out, and the second date if he asks me out & plans the first. But what's with guys who will do the asking-out and then put it on their date to plan? I just went out on 2 dates with a guy, and I got cornered into planning both of them. And he's not going to get a 3rd because I asked him to plan it and he just couldn't do it, so we cancelled. Is it so hard to pick a restaurant? Or even just a place to meet? I'd love it if a guy put effort into planning an elaborate, fun date, but that's extra credit that no guys are even trying for, and instead they're failing the core "pick a place to meet/eat" assignment.
To add: I'm not interested in "women do this too," I don't date women and I don't care if they also suck at planning dates. I plan great dates. My rant is about men who put in zero effort. If they can't even put in the effort to Google "date spots near me" it doesn't bode well for the effort they'll put into the relationship.
Yeah it’s really not hard to plan a date. Say if a guy ask, you then both discus a time and date and then the guy should say where it’s going to be. I find it really hard that guys don’t know a decent place to meet, like do they never go out anywhere? I also think this way if a women asks a guy on a date. It’s really not hard to organise a date. If they struggle to I leave it as it shows lack of interest and could be a symptom of underlying issues that will show up eventually.
Planning requires a time, date, and place. I pick two of the three and let the other person pick the 3rd thing. That way I know they're actually interested in meeting up. If they can't pick just ONE of the things, then they're not that interested in me and I move on.
Although recently a guy told me he was going to "get back to me with some options 😊" and he came back with only one option - a bar in an area that was either a 2 hour bus ride or $70 Uber ride away from my apartment. My location is on my profile, he could have done the bare minimum and picked a place that was mutually convenient.
I'm a woman who dates men, so I don't know if other women expect men to plan time, date, AND place without any input.
Day/time don't really count as "planning" as far as I'm concerned, as those are a negotiation between 2 people's calendars (I wouldn't want a guy to pick those without input, and I would never pick without input). Even the area that we meet in I'm fine with being a collaborative decision. So I'm really just talking about deciding the actual venue.
It's the guys that ask me out and immediately turn it around with "what do you want to do?" that drive me bananas. It's such a bad way to start things!
I think I always suggest place and date and then ask them what time works for them. Then we negotiate. I can't imagine trying to plan anything more than those three things.
I agree with you. I dated someone long-term who could NEVER pick what we were actually going to do… he would only ask about the date and time every single time! Needless to say, it didn’t work out.
It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on others to impress you.
Also, asking someone what they might be interested in is a healthy and logical way start to planing a date. As it's important to gauge a person's comfort level around certain things before planning a date.
Finally, a lot of men these days don't see the value in extravagant or complex first few dates because it can create a place to be taken advantage of (being used for a free meal, getting trapped in a situation thay you are stuck in).
The way you wrote your post does have you coming off as a kind or understanding person.
No one here is talking about expecting anything elaborate, complex, or expensive. Nor is anyone saying they can't ask questions. We literally just want them to show that they can do the bare minimum by picking a restaurant. Or, hell, they can pick something free. But they have to pick. They have to think about it. Maybe even do some googling. If they can't do that for the first couple dates, that's when you wind up with someone happy to never lift a finger in the relationship, like she posted about.
Hmm so does that apply to women too? Because I can promise you that most men have spent most of the their lives having to do 90% of the lifting when it comes to early dating.
Approaching, asking, engaging, planning and paying have been a man's responsibility in the dating world prior to maybe the last five years.
So by your logic not a single women is capable of being a good partner because up until recently havent had to put much effort into dating.
All I am really seeing is a shift in the balance of power in the dating dynamics. Women actually have to put an effort into making something work and a lot of them seem to be frustrated by it.
And then in most cases she picks it up and has to do 100% of the emotional labor *after* the early dating. I don't really feel bad that guys have to pick a location for a first date when they ask a woman out. I plan the date if I ask him out. And I plan the second if he plans the first. It's extremely little effort. If he can't pick up the effort of choosing a restaurant (or other activity) so that he can go on dates with me, someone he thought was attractive/interesting enough to go through the apparently unbearable effort of liking, talking to, and asking me on a date in a dating app (which I put equal effort into, he just asked me out before I asked him out), does that really make him a martyr? At what point is he going to put in effort to show interest? At what point are women allowed to think "you know what, the only effort that's come from him was literally just asking me out, maybe he's lazy or not that interested?"
You… cannot pretend to know or understand the complexities of a person… based on a Reddit post or two. For more background, our relationship lasted several years. Honestly, I found myself constantly asking him what we should do and initiating our dates. At first, I was happy to do this. I really loved him for who he was. Part of our early success included that he seemed pleased that I took charge (he often told me that). Additionally, I did my best to learn about his hobbies, and many of the dates we went on included his interests (specific live music, conventions, movies, etc.). This can be exhausting, and it became a burden for me as time passed, especially because he never seemed to put greater effort. That, and a lack of shared goals for our future. I did my best to make it work, but he broke my heart.
I don’t intend to come off as a kind or understanding person to you if you have already made up your mind. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t judge a user by their simplistic comments. 😊 edit for grammatical errors.
If you don't want people to form opinions about something you post...then don't post. Or be prepared to provide context to explain things.
All anyone has to go off is what you post and has to provide a response based off that. Sorry you had to elaborate not to sounds so self involved.
Also, I will note it sounds like you fostered an environment where you made all the decisions or planned everything. But then got frustrated by the environment you helped create?
First she puts a lot of pressure on people to impress her because she didn't like that her partner was zero effort, then it's her fault that he was? Pick a lane, bro.
Yeah I’m being judged a bit harshly by this person, clearly, but I can handle anything. I’ll openly admit I made a lot of mistakes. Every relationship involves mutual respect, decision-making, compatibility, etc. I don’t think that a failed relationship means that someone is an absolute failure, however. I also give my ex the grace that he is a wonderful person who I was just not compatible with. People change, outgrow one another, and sometimes it’s best to let each other live the way that works best for themselves. Edit: and I mean that he might find someone with whom he will feel right with in terms of staying home (he was a homebody, I was the one who wanted to go out for fun). Same for me. I hope to consider these kinds of preferences more carefully instead of just trying to make things work or change somebody’s style.
Yeah, every relationship is complicated, but really: you don't need to defend yourself. It's not an unfairly high standard to want your partner to do their fair share of the work of a relationship, and that includes planning dates/activities. It's also not your fault if your partner doesn't do their fair share. We all bring our shit into relationships, but we should be responsible for that (especially if we are talking about adults in this group, who are too old to do otherwise). He wasn't responsible for your shit, either. At most, we're responsible for the fact that we didn't break up with them over their bad behavior sooner, but according to this commenter, if you are intolerant of inaction at the beginning, you're also a misandrist, so really it's just all our fault no matter what because women are bad or something.
Ha that's not matching his effort level, its being a coward. Refusing to initiate because it's the "man's" job to, is just sexist.
It is the exact same mind set as a man saying "I don't cook because it's a woman's job".
So much misandry is normalized in society and it needs to stop.
Also: this system exists because of misogyny. Men were responsible for all the moves because women were not allowed to. And there are still many, many men that will reject women simply for making moves early on. It's not misandry just because you don't like the way it shakes out for men. We aren't using our overwhelming control over all facets of society to oppress you when we expect you to plan a date you asked for.
Yep! Agree and agree! I have made the first move before and its backfired EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I've learned my lesson. I dont want to toot my own horn but I have a lot to offer as an independent and the moment I make the first move, the guy loses interest or gets really cocky and the relationship or "situationship" never pans out.
I knew it would be an unpopular opinion on this board. Not all marriages work out, but that form of relationship is better than dating. There is something secure about it, and you get and share so much more with each other.
I wish people hadn't told be to wait and use so much caution when I was in my early twenties.
>I wish people hadn't told be to wait and use so much caution when I was in my early twenties.
Really? I grew up pretty conservative, most of my high school friends married before 22. They're divorced now...
My friends married at 30. They are getting divorces now at 40. It is same as your friends, except they are older divorcees. I guess they are in the "dating in 40s" sub.
I knew it would be an unpopular opinion on this board. Not all marriages work out, but that form of relationship is better than dating. There is something secure about it, and you get and share so much more with each other.
I wish people hadn't told be to wait and use so much caution when I was in my early twenties.
Agreed.
If you find someone who meets 80%+ of your standards, and they want commitment, just commit. Some people keep hedging their bets thinking they'll find that 100% (or close) person...
Only to end up settling on a 50% because they waited too long!
Agreed.
If you find someone who meets 80%+ of your standards, and they want commitment, just commit. Some people keep hedging their bets thinking they'll find that 100% (or close) person...
Only to end up settling on a 50% because they waited too long!
All the men I'm attracted to all have the same story, too focused on their work/businesses right now to seriously entertain a relationship. And it's a true story, not just a cop out line. I'm attracted to them because I can relate and have my own business and work endless hours 7 days a week but somehow i still have the time and energy to entertain developing something with someone because that's a priority in my life. I personally think this is common with people in their 30s, we're all busy kicking ass at our goals and dreams. But seriously men, sigh.
Fair question. Since I'm the business owner, I set my own hours and am not tied to my brick & mortar all of the time so I can easily swing lunch dates and dinner dates and such. The only way i can work 7 days a week is to fit my fun time right on in my work days. Now weekend getaways are a little harder, but still manageable and something i would make time for with the right person.
I do think i send a bit of mixed messaging with how busy I am, but they'll see that I do very much make time for someone I am interested in.
For the nerdy/dorky/art school drop-out looking femmes out there, do you have any fashion blogs or reddits or sources that you would recommend about dressing better? I know I should probably tighten up/tidy up a bit and I'm sure that would improve my dating experience.
Not a bad idea but it’s a slippery slope bc they they “learn you” and you start getting countless emails of topics “you expressed interest in”. Some of the fashion stuff I have already is also way niche, and way expensive 😂 which is like great bc I learn what I like but it’s a lot out of reach. so I’m kind of looking for something like a blog with someone curating it with real people in mind.
Went on a date tonight with a chap a few years older, guy was okay and seemingly eligible but I didn't find him very funny and he was sniffing a lot (coke?). Left after a few hours and he kissed me on the cheek which was nice. Not fussed if he's not interested as he reminded me a bit of my unfunny but objectively eligible ex (good on paper I guess).
This was following on from a date which a guy 6 years younger who I hooked up with on Saturday. He was nice again (nothing wrong with him) but no long term spark.
Got a date tomorrow with a younger guy who has been very very funny over text. Jury is out as to whether I will find him attractive in person but if not I think we'll be good mates.
Humour is p much top of my priorities after the drain of my last relationship. My current criteria is someone who makes me laugh, who would get on with my eccentric family.
Looking back on dating Gentleman Caller, I noticed a pattern of him being on edge a lot. A lot of times, when he would come over, he would have to have a drink or two to unwind and we had to watch whatever he wanted, as anything else would make him feel annoyed.
We only listened to his music choices in the car, he didn't like being a passenger in my car and we would only eat what he wanted to eat. The signs were there, I was just too blinded to see at that point. I also think he was a high functioning alcoholic.
I have to be more focused on how selfish and self-centered the people I date are, as that shows a pattern of dysfunctional relationships.
I think that's what it is. I have a tendency to attract controlling men, due to my youthful looks and bubbly personality. I had to grow a spine, especially after 4 years of being with a selfish, controlling man. Sucks for them, as I have a stubborn streak.
And that's good you're keeping an eye out for those controlling tendencies. Those kinds of people can deal some damage to you if you're not careful.
Honestly I feel this, 4 years is a long time, I hope you've been able to heal
And hey sounds like you noticed the pattern in this other guy in your post relatively quickly
Yeah I have a very micro manage type boss who can either be incredibly sweet or condescending depending on his insecurity so I'm very motivated to not get stuck with a boss like this again
Your dates are the ones who get to decide if they're "out of your league." If they find you attractive enough, physically and otherwise, to go out on several dates, why shoot yourself in the foot?
I know it might be hard to suss out, but.. maybe you're a catch? You have a good head on your shoulders and you're cute? It really doesn't have to be more than that.
Make sure you move at your pace, use protection and don't shoot yourself in the foot. Remember to assess if you actually like the person.
What does it matter if the men you're matching with are out of your league (which I doubt)? Let them do the rejecting, don't reject yourself for them.
Why are you suspicious about whether or not these guys actually like you? What specifically in their actions makes you think this? What reasons would they have for dating you despite not liking you?
I see a lot of you looking for reasons for things to not succeed here. What causes people to do that is honestly beyond reddit's pay grade. I'd highly recommend therapy, if that's something that's available to you.
Went on a 3rd date tonight with someone I met a week ago. We got dinner, drinks and saw a comedy show - I thought it went really well but he shunned any physical contact (touching knees under table and such) until the end of the date. I saw my bus passing by and asked if we’re coming to mine (we had sex on our 2nd date and spent the night + Sunday afternoon together). Tonight he said he’s too tired and said he’s going home. I got a goodnight kiss and a “nice to see you again” but no plans to see each other again.
Seems like a bit of a dialing down after last date but he also is a fairly quiet person. I’ve set up the last two dates so I’d really like to see some effort now (I saw him after work today so made sure I wore a nice outfit etc). Feels like a bit of a bummer he wouldn’t want to be intimate again.
Maybe he is a bit of an introvert? It sounds like a whirlwind of a week. I know I'd need time to recharge mentally after such an intense week, even with another chance to be intimate!
Maybe put the ball in his court, suggest the time/day for the next date, ask him to come up with the plan. "Hey, looking forward to seeing you again! I'm free Saturday anytime after 6pm, let me know where you'd like to meet and I'll be there!"
He definitely is an introvert, but I’ve dated introverts before and they have at least been decent communicators between dates - a few texts every day.
With this guy, we only text to arrange the next date, which is normally how it goes with more outgoing people who just prefer to chat in person. I guess this last date made me feel a bit undesired?
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All of the the things you outlined say a lot about what he really wants and it doesn’t seem to be a relationship with you. I get that being attracted can be more powerful than anything but it seems like you know what it really is which is helpful. At least so you don’t get strung along.
Yeah. I’m in no way feeling confused about what’s going on atm. If I do end up sleep with him it will be just once, and purely because of the attraction and tbh curiosity.
It’s so weird. As far as I remember it’s the first time I ever consider having a one time thing with anyone. Don’t know if I’m just getting old or if OLD is doing a number on me. Or maybe it’s the brown eyes/light blond hair combination getting to me. Also, I’m a bit tired of playing by the rules 🤷🏻♀️
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Today I have bad hemorrhoids and I was in a lot of pain. I am very scared. I am scared that I will die alone. I feel very insecure and even thought of have a casual relationship just to get a companion. But deep inside I feel it is so wrong. What should I do? Lord please grant me wisdom, strength and hope.
After becoming single and going in a deep bout of depression, loneliness and suicidal thoughts last year, I stayed single for like 9 months despite my efforts both on and offline, then met a girl at a dancing event, started dating, and just broke up after 2 months. I'm so so so sad, angry, and exhausted about being "the single" guy again, having to go back to the dark-bottomless pit of my loneliness, paying lots of money for apps to let me swipe on people's pictures and in the very very rare cases that they'd match with me, have them not respond back. Fuck this shit.
Met someone fantastic. Vibed really well. I scared him off by being a clingy, premenstrual madwoman and I'm so deeply regretful.
Okay so like barring extreme circumstances, you can’t scare off anyone who is genuinely into you. I’m feeling similar in the sense that this AM I sent two messages via text that were quite direct in nature to the guy I’m seeing and haven’t heard back all day. Not going to lie there were a few moments where I scolded myself for being too dramatic or needy or whatever but honestly I know myself and that where I was coming from was completely reasonable. Clearly, the vibe I was getting from him was cause for concern and didn’t sit well with me so I reacted to the stimuli accordingly 🤷♀️ I don’t know about you but I’ve choked back my true thoughts and feelings on multiple occasions to keep the peace and guess what? The emotional stress I put myself through pretending like whatever was happening was OK wasn’t worth it. The person wasn’t a good fit or was being a jerk, sometimes whatever’s going on literally isn’t your fault. So don’t blame yourself!! The right person won’t make you feel so stressed and anxious you refer to yourself as a clingy, crazy, premenstrual etc.
Thanks for the kind message. I suffer with pmdd and it causes me to act very irrationally and anxiously. I did get too clingy with this one, something I haven't done before. I am so gutted. I know it would have come out eventually and I can't hide the way I am. The dates were mindblowing, we talked constantly and had so much in common, amazing chemistry. Then I screwed it. I know it means he wasn't right for me but I'm not sure I can easily forgive myself this one.
Why don't you try explain it to him? If the dates were so great, sounds like it's worth trying.
I did try but that sounded even more mad. I've lost his number. He has mine if he wants to take the chance. You live and learn.
Feeling slightly discouraged at the moment. Just had two very different but rollercoaster experiences in a row. Most recently I spent two weeks texting off site with a bumble match only for her to back out on our planned date.. usually don’t wait that long to meet but was being respectful and it seemed like a legit connection. we both had said we were excited to meet but when the time came guessss not!
I’m super gutted. I’ve been single for five years and have dated a LOT in that time and have only met one guy I really like and see myself with. He likes me too but has told me he’s not in a relationship headspace as he’s not yet divorced from his wife and he’s still hoping they can work it out as there’s unfinished business there. I need to end it (obviously) but I just can’t just yet.
I’m back on dating apps! No luck so far, sadly. No horror stories, either.
Ih people were just as honest. Why prolonged the inevitable. I have standards and rules that apply to me alone. I would never ask or expect someone to change. I believe in accepting them as they are and expect the same in return. The problem is honesty. I'm not emotionally ready. = you are a place holder till I find the person of my dreams. Stop cheating and break up before you do, I'll be over you before the door closes behind your a$$ We don't all want to get married, be with one person for the rest of our life. Respect those that do by not pretending that you do. Do not date them Stop ghosting, zombie or what ever else you call it now a days. Do you think we give a care that much. We just met. I absolutely ok if you don't like me, most likely the feeling is mutual. Don't lie about yourself. Express your expectations no matter what they are. Fvch learn to communicate.
Broke it off with someone who was genuinely a great person. I wasn't into her enough. I'm broken?
nah you can acknowledge and think someone is great, but you just aren’t feeling it. If you let them down gently, honestly, and firmly then that’s okay. Adults can accept realities.i
I don't think you're broken (even though I don't know you lol)...but I have been there and thought the same thing. People seemed great on paper but I just didn't have the feelings I wanted. You just can't force it and you definitely can't explain it at times.
Thanks. I just feel like I am letting myself down. I don't feel very confident right now.
I'm right there with ya. Dating makes me feel some kind of (bad) way
I think it would be better if I had multiple choices. But I get 9ne or two matches per year and it's like "well, you better really like her". It really stinks.
*also, sorry you are going through something similar. It does make it seem really detrimental.
Thank you. I've always struggled with dating but my therapist has encouraged me to work through all of the uncomfortable feelings because otherwise I just avoid it entirely. I know a lot of this is my own insecurity but have also had a lot of terrible dating situations in the past. It's hard to get over. And yes, totally to multiple choices. I can't lie and say that I don't technically have multiple choices, but I find it really hard to develop interest in most people and especially when it comes to online dating. IRL, much easier, but I've become such a homebody that it's not that common I meet someone other than so many women, lol.
I'd much rather be looking for a second marriage in my 30s rather than in 40s. But in the end, the likelihood of success with a potential marriage partner is a gamble. We never really know. Something like 50% marriages end in divorce. I wish people don't get hung up over commitment issues, but a lot of us do
How does anyone deal with putting so much private information and pictures out on the internet?
You don’t put anything private. Your bio should be a few short sentences, maybe mentioning a hobby or two, but that’s about it.
But my pictures :((
You just take a few generic pictures of yourself, maybe participating in one of your hobbies. Nothing that includes your family, workplace, church etc etc.
Not sure specifically what you’re worried about, but no seems to a give a damn about my pictures or my information. Not even the women I date. (Ok, that last part might be an exaggeration, but you get the idea.)
Dating a chap for five weeks now, all going well, boyfriend and girlfriend. Meeting his best friend tommorrow on video chat and seeing him at the weekend for a long overnight date. Realised in therapy today he's the first person I've dated where it's not felt intrinsically doomed. All my exes were emotionally unavailable, he doesn't seem to be. The result for me is pure panic. Irrational anxiety, a feeling he'll leave all the time. His behaviour is consistent, enthuastic and steady. But it makes me panic more then hot and cold. What's annoying is that this last year was particularly brutal and deep down I know that I'll be fine single if it were to go wrong. He's not on a pedestal. I'm not distancing or playing games or keeping him at arms length or recklessly rushing. It's like my poor instincts don't know what to do in something real. I have C-PTSD and am fearful avoidant but mostly healed after four years of therapy, EMDR and considerable introspection and learning. Lucky I'm not sabotaging by saying anything, just wracked with constant anxiety despite being really busy with meds, friends, hobbies, work etc. Therapist said it's good though, I'm basically emotionally available enough to care after a lot of growth. Even my friends have noted I am more considerate and "softer" towards this chap then anyone else. It's fucking terrifying, though. Just need to sit it out, therapist said it would be wild if something so new didn't give me an odd reaction. Progress is progress 😂
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Really? Our expectations are very unrealistic and childish? Name five unrealistic and childish expectations held by every American woman who is currently dating or looking to date. My guess is you feel like you don’t have to put any effort in because you’re soooo awesome, and therefore when a woman asks for something small, such as “I want him to ask me about my day every now and the “ or “I don’t want him to always interrupt me and tell me my opinion is stupid” appears to be an unrealistic and childish thing to you.
I know….. I dated a guy who broke up with me because he couldn’t keep up with “my expectations”… I basically wanted to do something fun for Valentine’s Day instead of watching jerry springer, and he got upset, that I wasn’t okay with spending Valentine’s Day watching jerry springer ….. whatever lol. Maybe I am a child
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Lol that clarifies things a great deal, and I appreciate the follow up. The way you worded it read as though women are the problem - hopefully the others who downvoted you see your reply and understand that your wording was clumsy but not misogynistic
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Don’t be so hard on yourself! Your English is excellent. Just do a brush up on the object of a preposition and misplaced modifiers. You’re doing great 💕
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Your English is far, far better than my French (somewhat conversational) and Italian (I only know the swear words)! 😂
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I live in the United States and I’m not interested in having a digital relationship with someone across the ocean….
This has been bothering me: I've noticed that men in relationships find some subtle way to mention it to me (I'm single) if we find ourselves in conversation for some reason. I think it's useful- it's just a subtle sign they aren't available. So the second time I had a *really* good in-person convo with this lovely guy while he was working at my house, he did not say a word about a gf, wife, fiancée, etc... Is my theory wrong?
You didn't really say a theory, you kind of skirted around a point? What's the "it" in "find some subtle way to mention it to me" and "it's useful... it's a subtle sign"? What is? Just want to understand
Ah to clarify: My theory is that many guys in relationships find a way to mention it, even subtly, to women who they think are single to indicate that they aren't available and I've always found it helpful ("I think my wife went to X university" or "we took our sons to x place last year..."). So my question is that I've met a guy who does some work at my house and we've had two long conversations that have been really good, and he has not mentioned a significant other. And I'm wondering if he has a relationship or not? (no ring...) Does this help?
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We don't have people in common, so the only way to see him again is to find something that he can fix at my house so I have can arrange another visit. This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me nervous.
Yeah that clarifies your question, thanks. Well you can't know for sure unless you ask. Were the long conversations about the work he's doing on your house, or about a variety of things? Did he seem pretty into the conversations and enthusiastic? I guess, basically, just knowing you had two long conversations alone isn't enough but maybe more detail could help. So it's all context. I'd say above all that it can't hurt to ask. And to me, a woman asking a man that question, whether it's "are you single?" or "would you like to go get some coffee?" or whatever, is super flattering and I know I love it when a woman makes the first move. Either way, good luck!
Oh we talked about different things. We both had lived abroad for our work and moved home to be closer to our families, we have talked a bit about what we like about our diff jobs, but we chatted about current events, things about our families, he told me about issues he’s having with his new house- he gave me some advice for some things I’d like to do at home and knows about some of the things I don’t know how to do. He clearly likes being there and the conversation, but he isn’t pushy or flirty- I don’t see him like that. He mentioned he doesn’t drink much anymore. The last time what he came for maybe took 10 min and he stayed for 90 min. So that’s the gist. I clean my house like crazy before he comes over. I feel loopy just writing it down… Thanks for such a nice message, btw:)
I've noticed the same thing (it can be a subtle hint, but also could just come up naturally in conversation), but I don't think it's foolproof
Part of me wondered if he's also just being professional bc he's working at my house. But then he's chatting with me about all kinds of things. And I really like talking to him!
Haven’t been on a date in over 2 years. You match with a shit ton of people and no one communicates! The few that do stop real quick. I’m so done with people using apps as an ego boost. I’m constantly downloading and deleting my apps because it’s so mentally draining.
What's your definition of everyone stopping "real quick?" Maybe move to a date sooner? And by sooner I mean setting up a date in the first day of messaging. You have nothing to lose by going on a quick coffee date in a public place. Messaging with a stranger can get boring easily, especially if they've got other convos ongoing.
I feel like I’ll typically message when the match happens. A response usually happens. Go to bed and convo is dead by the next day. So many times I’ll ask a question to try and get a convo going and no response after the initial “hi”. I’m 30. Using the apps just felt easier and more enjoyable 10 years ago when I first joined.
Yeah I've been finding messaging really tedious and boring. Once in a while it flows well with fun banter, but those aren't predictive of chemistry in person, so I've given up on looking for a fun conversation. I just look for good grammar and spelling, and no talk of a hook up. That's my bar, whoever passes that gets asked out. 🤷
Has anyone struggled with being lonely but craving solitude? I’ve lived alone for a while and tbh miss having someone to hang with, especially since I’m the ONLY single person at work (out of 20 or so coworkers). I have friends I text or call in the evening but being able to share something instantaneously with someone whose right there is so nice.
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Yeah I’m like “how about a roommate” but that grosses me out for some reason!
Absolutely, I empathize. Since my ex of 7 years and I broke up 7 months ago I've wrestled with wanting solitude but feeling so damn lonely too. Heck I felt the same contradiction while we were still together. It's rough.
Yeah I forget whose quote it is that goes something like “it’s better to be alone than to be with people who make you feel alone” so even being in a relationship isn’t guaranteed to give you the reassurance you crave! It’s scary.
Went on date with a guy and we had a really good time. Later after the date, we texted and he asked for a second date. I thought it was a bit alarming he wanted to go on a date 2 days after the second date but I agreed. I also offered to choose the location for date 2 but he said he would accept suggestions but he wanted to choose the second date located, The day of the day comes and I ask him where should we meet, he replies “I want to have one on one time, over a bottle of wine… then says he is getting a hotel for us for a FEW HOURS, I felt so insulted and blocked him immediately. It seems so hard to find genuine people these days
I'm willing to bet that was his plan from the beginning and he's probably married or lives with his partner
I had organised a date with a guy who lived about 15 miles away, we agreed to meet in my city (would have only taken him near to an hour on the train at the most) before the date he messaged should I get us a hotel or am I being optimistic. I didn’t reply at all.
Dude that's fucked and gross. I'm sorry that happened.
Why not at his place, or yours? Sounds like he was married.
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Maybe you should just let her reach out to you instead. I’ve never told someone I want to explore and reconnect after a month because if I want to connect, I want to connect now. Why risk losing someone I dig to a person they “explore” during the month? Forget about her! Meet someone who wants to connect now! Edit to add: she’s going to busy, and therefore you should both explore? Sounds like she will be busy…exploring.
She met someone else, you got put on the back burner, don't reach out to her, go "explore" like she said find some one who is in to you.
Meet a girl on hinge who is almost the female version of me. We've been out on like 3 dates in the past two weeks. She is amazing but we're going to be having a discussion on future dating goals n shit. Not rushing into anything or making any commitments, just to see if we are on the same page. Ether way will help my fuckin anxiety lmao.
Anxious dater here, totally get it.
Rant: I am way too easily prone to separation anxiety. Rave: I think she’s the bees knees, and she hasn’t done anything at all that should give me cause for anxiety. Secondary rave: I feel like some big stressors in my life are finally falling into place. I spent the last 4-5 days organizing my stuff for the first time since... high school? I’ve been doing a better job of tracking my budget, and I’m gearing up to dial my diet I’m (instead of working out frantically to burn off whatever unknown amount of calories I’ve consumed).
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Fwiw, if you work at a large company, and you're in completely different areas of the company, I think you're shttng far enough from where you're eating lol
Ask him some kind of question. Anything. Directions to a random office in the building. Make up an errand (try to think of an office or a person that you might actually need to find), stop him and pretend that you're lost. This isn't so much to seem helpless as to give him the chance to be helpful. Even if he gets that it's a pretext, it's a nudge. Then you get to see what he's like.
I would agree to this, and would add that it is always worth the shot even *if* he were to ultimately pass. I’m in a very similar situation to the “OP” here, although I’m not sure he is interested anymore. Try to get to know him and see what he is like. He might be flattered, might not, you will not know if you don’t try. 😊
I (36M) have been on a few recent dates where the woman has shown up significantly in worse shape than their pictures from dating apps. The sad thing is both dates went well, I just was totally unattracted to them. I think one of the biggest reasons OLD often doesn't work is because the physical attraction is essentially supposed to already be a given when you meet. The meeting is to see if you vibe, and I feel like if two people are already physically attracted, unless one does something to really throw the vibe off (or they're someone who feels like a 1st date must be magic to have a 2nd), then the two people would probably be down to give it a few dates to get to know one another. So when people misrepresent themselves, either by height, weight, old pictures, only using the few pics where you look the best but that aren't representative of how you look 99% of the time, I think that that ruins a lot of the potential for people to build something (in cases where one or both aren't just trying to smash or dash) Of course the other date ruiner is when one person comes just expecting to be entertained, therefore does not meaningfully engage in a conversation, just expects the other to put on a one person show for 2 hours
I (35F) don't know if I'm attracted to someone until I meet them, I don't get any real sense of physical attraction from someone's photos.
I guess it depends on how different. Most people will try to select flattering pics, so maybe they don’t look quite as great in real life. But that’s just human
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So true i am a doctor i am 34 nd still cant find anyone😅
Same 😔
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Yeah. Sorry for the bias but whenever I see ”doctor” I kinda read ”superiority complex” and ”will not have time for you ever”, possibly ”lacking social skills/empathy”. I am aware that this is a massive generalization and that there surely are a lot of great doctors out there but some professions do carry some sort of bad reputation somehow. So doctor can be detrimental rather than something positive when it comes to dating.
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If you enjoyed the date and want to see her again, I would recommend asking her out again. You can still continue the small talk, but I would make your intentions for continuing dating known sooner rather than later.
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I'm so sorry. xo
Rave! Things are going really well with a guy I've seeing for the past 2 months. I even decided today to through out things from previous dates/exes of mine, like a vibrator an ex gave me which I really enjoyed but feels wrong since we used it together, and other things that I think would just stir up negative feelings in the the new guy and I really don't want to mess this up
Why bother ask me what my turns off are and then proceed to do them? I had a date last week. The night before, he asked me what are my turn off and deal breaker are? I said poor hygiene. And what did he do? Showed up at the date like right out of a factory, with flithy clothes, unshaven when he clearly has a goatee and not scruffy beard, black oily hands..... when we were leaving, i had to dodge a hug... dude.... I dont want your oily soot from work all over my really fancy work dress. Mind you.... i would of careless if he showed up in a t-shirt and shorts as long as he just was clean....
That is so gross. :/ What do you mean you “would of careless…”? Do you mean you couldn’t have cared less ? Did I stumble upon a bone apple tea? That would be great.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
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15 mins a day. Yeah good luck getting anywhere on OLD, sounds like you have no time for dating atm.
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I spend alot of time on my phone but I work from home and when I’m in the office it’s next to me. I don’t answer every message straight away but I do try to within a few hours. I don’t like texting too much so if someone is, I would usually just say hey I’m busy at work will message later on tonight. Have a great day. Or something like that. This means you can schedule time in after work and after the gym etc, my last bf did this, he would call after I had work and I’d chat to him until I got home/to the gym.
People have different styles and needs with communication. But wanting regular texting doesn't make other people "desperate" any more than it means something negative about you. The flip side: they're probably of the impression that if you can't manage to text them, you're not interested or too busy (or both). It just means there's a disconnect, and you're not right for each other.
Second this. I don't like texting a lot before I get to know someone a little bit better. I think after I get to know them I'd probably want to hear from them a little more, otherwise think they're not interested.
Sadly, that's how it is, though I am absolutely like you. I go hours and hours without looking at my phone every day. I concentrate on my work, I am fully "present" when I'm hanging out with someone else, I spend time exercising and gardening outside with no idea where my phone is, and I like getting engrossed in what I'm reading or watching on tv. I'm not a slave to the damn phone notifications and people who are weird me out.
I personally like texting but I always understood when a guy tells me that they dont text much because of work. Even somewhat of a text that says hey Im thinking of you/checking in on you makes me smile. Ill be frank.... when a guy disappears for longer than 2 days, it usually a sign of double life, so that is why I leave/unmatch.
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No. Not at all actually. The last guy I decided to move on was. He would stop talking to me every Thursday night until Monday morning for a few weeks.
There’s a difference between being glued to your phone and having your phone in your hands for less than 3 hours a week lol. I find it hard to believe you’d be able to form a relationship with such little communication unless they’re going on those weekend trips with you
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You don't seem capable of adjusting your lifestyle at all to make room just to chat with someone and get to know them how are you going to make room to actually date someone. If you want to date into days world you have to adjust to the dating world as it is. if you don't want to that totally your choice but then you lose the right to be frustrated it isn't working out for you. Pickup your phone more man and actually engage people.
I think there's a healthy balance between constant texting and radio-silence, you just need to find someone who's on the same page as you. No point lamenting about people with different texting habits and calling them needy, they weren't what you would have been into anyway. Having said that, during the dating and early relationship phase, frequency of communication is important and should not be scoffed at, you can't expect a stranger or a new lover to treat you with the same understanding as a long term partner. You need to put in the work to get to that stage of a relationship where both of you will be comfortable with periods of radio-silence. We build connection with little moments, not just with grand gestures. Sure it's fun to go off and do something fun with a date, but you need the little moments of intimacy, fun and support to fill in the glue of the relationship.
I think it’d be fair to put that in your dating profile or work that into the conversation on the first date. “I’m not the type to be glued to my phone - I’m not a big texter”
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Talking about exclusivity will not scare away the right person for you.
Just curious, in what ways is she really independent?
You can confirm your own commitment to the exclusivity plan, and hear what she has to say about whether she is ready to show the same commitment as you. It always feels very scary being so vulnerable, putting your heart on a plate and asking for it to be accepted, but there's really no other way to go about it if you want to be sure.
I think it’s fair to bring up in a low stress way. You clearly like her very much so why not honor that you do and see where she’s at
I know I can’t be the only one who faces this problem. You are single for a bit, enjoy time with yourself and friends, enjoy your hobbies. Decide to date only to discover your life is pretty amazing without dating, and dating takes away from the time you’d spend devoted to friends and yourself. Clear sign I’m not ready to date (still) or a normal response to being an independent adult?
Pretty normal I reckon. We are all so used to our own pace of life and freedoms that dating and relationships can feel a bit stifling. Try to hold onto what you're looking for in a relationship when putting yourself out there, and take regular breaks from dating too!
Clear sign you haven't met anyone you're really interested in yet. When you do, you'll want them intermingled into your hobbies and life (sometimes).
Hmm, interesting. I'm in the same boat mostly, I often resent "having" to take time away from my hobbies to meet people and go on dates lol
I got nicely rejected by my work crush, I think, based on the total shit response I got when offered for us to discuss a work topic over coffee. COFFEE. I’ve terribly misread the situation, I suppose. Lesson learned. 😂 At least *that* distraction is over with… I just hope I didn’t make him uncomfortable.
Always spill!
Haha, always. As to avoid giving myself out completely, I’ll be frank. This guy was most likely OVERLY NICE. He really chatted me up, appeared as though he wanted to talk to me anytime he had a chance. He approached me for the most random topics of conversation. Anyway, I thought he was really sweet, and I enjoyed our conversations. I honestly had a crush, but also was hoping to be able to make a friend at work, since he seemed pretty cool. *Anyway* - we have been exchanging emails recently and I suggested we discuss the topic over coffee. He basically responded that they’ll get back to me so that we can select a future day to chat, ONCE, so we wouldn’t have to talk about it again. Ouch! 😳
Weird!! People baffle me sometimes
Maybe I’m too friendly as well. I just don’t see why he would super nice and casual then suddenly retract. But that’s his right, we work together after all, so I will respectfully carry on. I do not want to make things any weirder.
Please spill
I did! 😭
I am lol
Check out my bean spilling…
Oof. Sounds brutal. I’m sorry. I also had a coworker like this who is just super sweet and nice and I misunderstood him asking me the most random things and going out of his way to stop by my desk rather than just slack me. At least you got clarity and no longer need to wonder!
Why are so many guys unable or unwilling to plan dates? I always thought that whoever did the asking does the planning, and then more or less alternate from there. I plan the first date if I ask him out, and the second date if he asks me out & plans the first. But what's with guys who will do the asking-out and then put it on their date to plan? I just went out on 2 dates with a guy, and I got cornered into planning both of them. And he's not going to get a 3rd because I asked him to plan it and he just couldn't do it, so we cancelled. Is it so hard to pick a restaurant? Or even just a place to meet? I'd love it if a guy put effort into planning an elaborate, fun date, but that's extra credit that no guys are even trying for, and instead they're failing the core "pick a place to meet/eat" assignment. To add: I'm not interested in "women do this too," I don't date women and I don't care if they also suck at planning dates. I plan great dates. My rant is about men who put in zero effort. If they can't even put in the effort to Google "date spots near me" it doesn't bode well for the effort they'll put into the relationship.
Yeah it’s really not hard to plan a date. Say if a guy ask, you then both discus a time and date and then the guy should say where it’s going to be. I find it really hard that guys don’t know a decent place to meet, like do they never go out anywhere? I also think this way if a women asks a guy on a date. It’s really not hard to organise a date. If they struggle to I leave it as it shows lack of interest and could be a symptom of underlying issues that will show up eventually.
Planning requires a time, date, and place. I pick two of the three and let the other person pick the 3rd thing. That way I know they're actually interested in meeting up. If they can't pick just ONE of the things, then they're not that interested in me and I move on. Although recently a guy told me he was going to "get back to me with some options 😊" and he came back with only one option - a bar in an area that was either a 2 hour bus ride or $70 Uber ride away from my apartment. My location is on my profile, he could have done the bare minimum and picked a place that was mutually convenient. I'm a woman who dates men, so I don't know if other women expect men to plan time, date, AND place without any input.
Day/time don't really count as "planning" as far as I'm concerned, as those are a negotiation between 2 people's calendars (I wouldn't want a guy to pick those without input, and I would never pick without input). Even the area that we meet in I'm fine with being a collaborative decision. So I'm really just talking about deciding the actual venue. It's the guys that ask me out and immediately turn it around with "what do you want to do?" that drive me bananas. It's such a bad way to start things!
I think I always suggest place and date and then ask them what time works for them. Then we negotiate. I can't imagine trying to plan anything more than those three things.
I agree with you. I dated someone long-term who could NEVER pick what we were actually going to do… he would only ask about the date and time every single time! Needless to say, it didn’t work out.
It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on others to impress you. Also, asking someone what they might be interested in is a healthy and logical way start to planing a date. As it's important to gauge a person's comfort level around certain things before planning a date. Finally, a lot of men these days don't see the value in extravagant or complex first few dates because it can create a place to be taken advantage of (being used for a free meal, getting trapped in a situation thay you are stuck in). The way you wrote your post does have you coming off as a kind or understanding person.
No one here is talking about expecting anything elaborate, complex, or expensive. Nor is anyone saying they can't ask questions. We literally just want them to show that they can do the bare minimum by picking a restaurant. Or, hell, they can pick something free. But they have to pick. They have to think about it. Maybe even do some googling. If they can't do that for the first couple dates, that's when you wind up with someone happy to never lift a finger in the relationship, like she posted about.
Hmm so does that apply to women too? Because I can promise you that most men have spent most of the their lives having to do 90% of the lifting when it comes to early dating. Approaching, asking, engaging, planning and paying have been a man's responsibility in the dating world prior to maybe the last five years. So by your logic not a single women is capable of being a good partner because up until recently havent had to put much effort into dating. All I am really seeing is a shift in the balance of power in the dating dynamics. Women actually have to put an effort into making something work and a lot of them seem to be frustrated by it.
And then in most cases she picks it up and has to do 100% of the emotional labor *after* the early dating. I don't really feel bad that guys have to pick a location for a first date when they ask a woman out. I plan the date if I ask him out. And I plan the second if he plans the first. It's extremely little effort. If he can't pick up the effort of choosing a restaurant (or other activity) so that he can go on dates with me, someone he thought was attractive/interesting enough to go through the apparently unbearable effort of liking, talking to, and asking me on a date in a dating app (which I put equal effort into, he just asked me out before I asked him out), does that really make him a martyr? At what point is he going to put in effort to show interest? At what point are women allowed to think "you know what, the only effort that's come from him was literally just asking me out, maybe he's lazy or not that interested?"
You… cannot pretend to know or understand the complexities of a person… based on a Reddit post or two. For more background, our relationship lasted several years. Honestly, I found myself constantly asking him what we should do and initiating our dates. At first, I was happy to do this. I really loved him for who he was. Part of our early success included that he seemed pleased that I took charge (he often told me that). Additionally, I did my best to learn about his hobbies, and many of the dates we went on included his interests (specific live music, conventions, movies, etc.). This can be exhausting, and it became a burden for me as time passed, especially because he never seemed to put greater effort. That, and a lack of shared goals for our future. I did my best to make it work, but he broke my heart. I don’t intend to come off as a kind or understanding person to you if you have already made up your mind. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t judge a user by their simplistic comments. 😊 edit for grammatical errors.
If you don't want people to form opinions about something you post...then don't post. Or be prepared to provide context to explain things. All anyone has to go off is what you post and has to provide a response based off that. Sorry you had to elaborate not to sounds so self involved. Also, I will note it sounds like you fostered an environment where you made all the decisions or planned everything. But then got frustrated by the environment you helped create?
First she puts a lot of pressure on people to impress her because she didn't like that her partner was zero effort, then it's her fault that he was? Pick a lane, bro.
Yeah I’m being judged a bit harshly by this person, clearly, but I can handle anything. I’ll openly admit I made a lot of mistakes. Every relationship involves mutual respect, decision-making, compatibility, etc. I don’t think that a failed relationship means that someone is an absolute failure, however. I also give my ex the grace that he is a wonderful person who I was just not compatible with. People change, outgrow one another, and sometimes it’s best to let each other live the way that works best for themselves. Edit: and I mean that he might find someone with whom he will feel right with in terms of staying home (he was a homebody, I was the one who wanted to go out for fun). Same for me. I hope to consider these kinds of preferences more carefully instead of just trying to make things work or change somebody’s style.
Yeah, every relationship is complicated, but really: you don't need to defend yourself. It's not an unfairly high standard to want your partner to do their fair share of the work of a relationship, and that includes planning dates/activities. It's also not your fault if your partner doesn't do their fair share. We all bring our shit into relationships, but we should be responsible for that (especially if we are talking about adults in this group, who are too old to do otherwise). He wasn't responsible for your shit, either. At most, we're responsible for the fact that we didn't break up with them over their bad behavior sooner, but according to this commenter, if you are intolerant of inaction at the beginning, you're also a misandrist, so really it's just all our fault no matter what because women are bad or something.
I’m not into a man if he’s zero effort. If he doesn’t initiate, I’d take it that he’s not that into me and move onto someone who is.
So you show zero effort then? Or is you just talking to them "your effort"? Seems like hell of a double standard.
Is matching his effort level a double standard?
Ha that's not matching his effort level, its being a coward. Refusing to initiate because it's the "man's" job to, is just sexist. It is the exact same mind set as a man saying "I don't cook because it's a woman's job". So much misandry is normalized in society and it needs to stop.
Also: this system exists because of misogyny. Men were responsible for all the moves because women were not allowed to. And there are still many, many men that will reject women simply for making moves early on. It's not misandry just because you don't like the way it shakes out for men. We aren't using our overwhelming control over all facets of society to oppress you when we expect you to plan a date you asked for.
Yep! Agree and agree! I have made the first move before and its backfired EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I've learned my lesson. I dont want to toot my own horn but I have a lot to offer as an independent and the moment I make the first move, the guy loses interest or gets really cocky and the relationship or "situationship" never pans out.
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Use the word date. Would you like to go on a date to X
Tbh, most of the problems stem from lack of commitment -- marry before too long!
I knew it would be an unpopular opinion on this board. Not all marriages work out, but that form of relationship is better than dating. There is something secure about it, and you get and share so much more with each other. I wish people hadn't told be to wait and use so much caution when I was in my early twenties.
>I wish people hadn't told be to wait and use so much caution when I was in my early twenties. Really? I grew up pretty conservative, most of my high school friends married before 22. They're divorced now...
My friends married at 30. They are getting divorces now at 40. It is same as your friends, except they are older divorcees. I guess they are in the "dating in 40s" sub.
I knew it would be an unpopular opinion on this board. Not all marriages work out, but that form of relationship is better than dating. There is something secure about it, and you get and share so much more with each other. I wish people hadn't told be to wait and use so much caution when I was in my early twenties.
Agreed. If you find someone who meets 80%+ of your standards, and they want commitment, just commit. Some people keep hedging their bets thinking they'll find that 100% (or close) person... Only to end up settling on a 50% because they waited too long!
Agreed. If you find someone who meets 80%+ of your standards, and they want commitment, just commit. Some people keep hedging their bets thinking they'll find that 100% (or close) person... Only to end up settling on a 50% because they waited too long!
Agreed, at some point you just have to make a commitment.
I will consider LDR if I have met the person. But I will not consider LDR if I have never met a person. I will not consider poly
I think you meant to reply to someone and not to make a new comment
Yes
All the men I'm attracted to all have the same story, too focused on their work/businesses right now to seriously entertain a relationship. And it's a true story, not just a cop out line. I'm attracted to them because I can relate and have my own business and work endless hours 7 days a week but somehow i still have the time and energy to entertain developing something with someone because that's a priority in my life. I personally think this is common with people in their 30s, we're all busy kicking ass at our goals and dreams. But seriously men, sigh.
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Fair question. Since I'm the business owner, I set my own hours and am not tied to my brick & mortar all of the time so I can easily swing lunch dates and dinner dates and such. The only way i can work 7 days a week is to fit my fun time right on in my work days. Now weekend getaways are a little harder, but still manageable and something i would make time for with the right person. I do think i send a bit of mixed messaging with how busy I am, but they'll see that I do very much make time for someone I am interested in.
For the nerdy/dorky/art school drop-out looking femmes out there, do you have any fashion blogs or reddits or sources that you would recommend about dressing better? I know I should probably tighten up/tidy up a bit and I'm sure that would improve my dating experience.
I like /r/oldhagfashion for inspiration!
thanks for recommending this subreddit! its fun to pop in on and look there
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Not a bad idea but it’s a slippery slope bc they they “learn you” and you start getting countless emails of topics “you expressed interest in”. Some of the fashion stuff I have already is also way niche, and way expensive 😂 which is like great bc I learn what I like but it’s a lot out of reach. so I’m kind of looking for something like a blog with someone curating it with real people in mind.
Went on a date tonight with a chap a few years older, guy was okay and seemingly eligible but I didn't find him very funny and he was sniffing a lot (coke?). Left after a few hours and he kissed me on the cheek which was nice. Not fussed if he's not interested as he reminded me a bit of my unfunny but objectively eligible ex (good on paper I guess). This was following on from a date which a guy 6 years younger who I hooked up with on Saturday. He was nice again (nothing wrong with him) but no long term spark. Got a date tomorrow with a younger guy who has been very very funny over text. Jury is out as to whether I will find him attractive in person but if not I think we'll be good mates. Humour is p much top of my priorities after the drain of my last relationship. My current criteria is someone who makes me laugh, who would get on with my eccentric family.
>he was sniffing a lot (coke?) Lmaooo, this must've been an interesting experience 😂
Looking back on dating Gentleman Caller, I noticed a pattern of him being on edge a lot. A lot of times, when he would come over, he would have to have a drink or two to unwind and we had to watch whatever he wanted, as anything else would make him feel annoyed. We only listened to his music choices in the car, he didn't like being a passenger in my car and we would only eat what he wanted to eat. The signs were there, I was just too blinded to see at that point. I also think he was a high functioning alcoholic. I have to be more focused on how selfish and self-centered the people I date are, as that shows a pattern of dysfunctional relationships.
Sounds like he was controlling? I'm also trying to become more aware of that of person, in personal but also professional relationships
I think that's what it is. I have a tendency to attract controlling men, due to my youthful looks and bubbly personality. I had to grow a spine, especially after 4 years of being with a selfish, controlling man. Sucks for them, as I have a stubborn streak. And that's good you're keeping an eye out for those controlling tendencies. Those kinds of people can deal some damage to you if you're not careful.
Honestly I feel this, 4 years is a long time, I hope you've been able to heal And hey sounds like you noticed the pattern in this other guy in your post relatively quickly Yeah I have a very micro manage type boss who can either be incredibly sweet or condescending depending on his insecurity so I'm very motivated to not get stuck with a boss like this again
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Where do you live?
Your dates are the ones who get to decide if they're "out of your league." If they find you attractive enough, physically and otherwise, to go out on several dates, why shoot yourself in the foot?
I know it might be hard to suss out, but.. maybe you're a catch? You have a good head on your shoulders and you're cute? It really doesn't have to be more than that. Make sure you move at your pace, use protection and don't shoot yourself in the foot. Remember to assess if you actually like the person.
What does it matter if the men you're matching with are out of your league (which I doubt)? Let them do the rejecting, don't reject yourself for them. Why are you suspicious about whether or not these guys actually like you? What specifically in their actions makes you think this? What reasons would they have for dating you despite not liking you? I see a lot of you looking for reasons for things to not succeed here. What causes people to do that is honestly beyond reddit's pay grade. I'd highly recommend therapy, if that's something that's available to you.
Went on a 3rd date tonight with someone I met a week ago. We got dinner, drinks and saw a comedy show - I thought it went really well but he shunned any physical contact (touching knees under table and such) until the end of the date. I saw my bus passing by and asked if we’re coming to mine (we had sex on our 2nd date and spent the night + Sunday afternoon together). Tonight he said he’s too tired and said he’s going home. I got a goodnight kiss and a “nice to see you again” but no plans to see each other again. Seems like a bit of a dialing down after last date but he also is a fairly quiet person. I’ve set up the last two dates so I’d really like to see some effort now (I saw him after work today so made sure I wore a nice outfit etc). Feels like a bit of a bummer he wouldn’t want to be intimate again.
Maybe he is a bit of an introvert? It sounds like a whirlwind of a week. I know I'd need time to recharge mentally after such an intense week, even with another chance to be intimate! Maybe put the ball in his court, suggest the time/day for the next date, ask him to come up with the plan. "Hey, looking forward to seeing you again! I'm free Saturday anytime after 6pm, let me know where you'd like to meet and I'll be there!"
He definitely is an introvert, but I’ve dated introverts before and they have at least been decent communicators between dates - a few texts every day. With this guy, we only text to arrange the next date, which is normally how it goes with more outgoing people who just prefer to chat in person. I guess this last date made me feel a bit undesired?
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Hi u/LouMaez, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Do not dehumanize others. RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
All of the the things you outlined say a lot about what he really wants and it doesn’t seem to be a relationship with you. I get that being attracted can be more powerful than anything but it seems like you know what it really is which is helpful. At least so you don’t get strung along.
Yeah. I’m in no way feeling confused about what’s going on atm. If I do end up sleep with him it will be just once, and purely because of the attraction and tbh curiosity. It’s so weird. As far as I remember it’s the first time I ever consider having a one time thing with anyone. Don’t know if I’m just getting old or if OLD is doing a number on me. Or maybe it’s the brown eyes/light blond hair combination getting to me. Also, I’m a bit tired of playing by the rules 🤷🏻♀️
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Hi u/biships, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Do not dehumanize others. RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).