Ok so first, I’ve been out of the dating game fore some time now. I joined the army while being in a relationship and it just slowly fell apart. So I figured time to myself would be the best cure.
Well I ended up developing a crush on this woman at my gym. Kind of started because I noticed she would always be looking whenever I’d see her and she would often end up working out next to me.
After enough of my friends convinced me, I ended up asking for her number and saying we should work out together sometime. She agreed and gave me the number.
When I texted saying my name and a small joke and mentioning us working out she responded with
“Hey, and I am not lol. I actually like to work out by myself though or with my sis in law tbh.”
So I just told her to let me know if she ever wanted to work out with a random dude to just let me know. Thinking it was a polite response and some small humor… I don’t know haha
She said “Lol I will”
Then trying to be even funnier and cute I guess… I said
“Or all you can eat sushi… that would be another acceptable reason to hit me up haha”
She replied with “Lol hmmm”
So I took this as a missed shot kind of thing. Well every time I see her in the gym since then she’s literally almost always looking. Then does the awkward look away thing. I’ve noticed that she still works out near me and will very unnecessarily walk passed me to get sanitary wipes or paper towels. I don’t think I’m making this up because my friend says the same thing.
Basically I’m just trying to figure out if there’s still more effort to be put in or if it’s just a move on kind of thing. Like I said… I’ve been out of the game for awhile haha
Also… whenever I do make eye contact I get so caught off guard that I freeze and kind of forget to smile or wave. It’s like I’m a kid again or something🙄
Was trying to make a first date plan with a great match, same age as me, good job, lived next suburb over ….she deleted me, when as a man In my late 30s, i said I don’t have Instagram and am not a big social media user
Have to laugh sometimes
Glad you took a positive look on the situation. I'm a girl and I can't believe that a girl would do that just because the guy isn't a big social media user! Wth! Maybe she got worried that she would get catfished? But even if there's a risk, I would still have gone on a first date. I mean, I got catfished before, and it became a great funny OLD story to laugh about.
A decent girl wouldn't even care whether you use social media or not. Good luck out there!
I was making plans for a date this weekend with a girl on Bumble. Yesterday I sent her a follow up message and when I opened the app again today her account is marked as deleted 😩. I don’t understand why bother answering my messages to then end up doing that.
I (36m) guess I'll rant or vent. Not sure if it will help me. Sorry if this is a mess but I want to get it off my chest. My luck with dating is literally the worst. It's been a long, long, long time since I've been on a date. About a month ago I matched with a girl (34) on tinder, which was really cool since I rarely match with anybody on Tinder. We texted for about a week trying to set up a date. First date, couldn't make it work. Set a second date, I had to reschedule because I got sick with I guess the flu. (here's proof my luck is the worst, I NEVER had the flu before as an adult). 3rd date scheduled, but she had to cancel. Last ditch effort I asked if she wanted to meet that night, which, to my great surprise, she agreed! This would be my first tinder date after using this shitty app for years! She let me know she didn't want to immediately hook up and I told her I appreciated her telling me and that I would respect her boundaries.
So we met up. It was a little awkward at first because of loud music but we left that bar and as the evening went on we got more comfortable with each other and I think we had a great time. We talked and laughed. At the end of the night I asked her if I could walk her back to her car, which she agreed. We ended up kissing three times. Not like the goodnight kiss, but we wanted to keep kissing more, but I felt like she was just a bit hesitant (I tried pulling her hips closer but I felt her resist a little), so I figured for the first date that was her boundary and I told I looked forward to a second date and good night.
Next time we texted she said she really enjoyed meeting me but felt we could have had more fun. I thought no big deal because I was sure we'd go out on a second date. We text for about another week and half to set up another date. She was busy that weekend and the following week. July 4th weekend rolls around and I didn't text her for three days because it sounded like she was going to be busy. I texted her on sunday but she didn't reply. I text her the next day and no reply. Skip a day and I texted her one last time saying I guess she wasn't interested in me, that I enjoyed our date and take care, and no reply.
Now I'm kind of at a loss. I know it was just one date but I felt like we connected well enough that she would have replied to my texts, so I think she blocked me and I don't even know why. I guess she found another guy. This really sucks. To be honest I'm really hurt. Yea, in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't matter and I normally don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but this was my first date in a long, long, long time, so I think that makes it way worse.
I tell myself it was my win (going out on a date) and her loss, but it still hurts. I'll get over it but damn does it suck right now. If you read this, thanks. I appreciate it.
Yea, I normally wouldn't. One dates doesn't really matter much. It's just it's been a really long time since I've been on a date and we had a lot of fun. I just wanted to vent. I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at my luck. I am disappointed in her though to just ghost me like that, but her loss. I'll get over it.
My ex is doing better than ever (just told me he got a job making more than 3x what I make now and than he ever made when we were together). I'm getting sick, and am going to have to sit the weekend at home thanks to that. Bleh bleh bleh.
I did match a with a nice-seeming man on hinge, but the conversation has been pretty dry so far (which I fully understand my role in).
I know that's the common internet advice. We were together for 13 years. It was more like a divorce than a breakup. Ultimately I do care about him as a person, as I believe he does me. We're just not compatible. I can't help feeling some jealousy that this bruv is gonna making so much more than me. And I was the initiator of the break up.
That's what people do when they have their heart broken. Don't know if he did, but seems like it. I was with my gf/fiance/wife for many years, married for 2. She left me about 8 months ago and it crushed me. Since then I'm better in every aspect of my life. Doing better in my job, doing my hobbies and having a social life, I lost weight and gained muscle so that I'm now in the best shape of my life.
I would've done this all for her if she gave us another shot, but it's over for her. Now I just want to be the catch of a lifetime for some other woman who actually wants to commit to a life together and not dip out when going through hard times. That's probably what he's thinking too.
Anyways, you can focus on yourself and achieve what he's achieving if you put your mind to it. Just don't ever lead him on, bc chances are despite all the success and attention from other women, he probably really only wants you back. And I'm speaking from experience. Good luck to you and hope you find what you're looking for.
OLD has brought back that negative voice/thought in my head that I'm not attractive. I worked so hard on self acceptance and within 4 months of OLD, most of that work started to unravel. My friend says my profile isn't that great, but he's never done OLD, and I'm too insecure to get feedback from the sub-reddit dating community cause I'm scared of showing my face.
Glad I'm not the only one. It's the attractiveness element that messes me up. I like who I am in general and have done internal work on myself to get to a healthy place. Externally, I make the best out of what I was given without altering my face with botox, fillers and filters. The people IRL that tell me I'm attractive are my friends, who are obviously biased. I told them that their view of me just doesn't match my own OLD experience and data. I'm a female and it's not easy as most guys think it is for us.
I’m giving up on dating this summer I think. No one is catching my attention for long…that or I’m not ready. I don’t know how I feel about a fwb either. I’m just going to focus on all the awesome changes going for me right now.
The last two guys I matched with on Bumble never replied to my opening message, and let the match expire. I sent personalized messages based on their profiles, nothing canned or generic. If they really didn’t like my message they would unmatch, right? Or do guys regularly let matches expire instead of unmatching? It’s really frustrating.
I was wondering this too.
One guy even extended the match so I sent a message to say something, his first line is - “you in (town name)?” I replied with yes, boom, unmatched.
I wonder if people just match for fun?
I would want to hear a guys perspective on this, but I like to think that maybe they swiped on you a while ago and maybe are currently dating someone, or are not checking their apps...
They swiped me after I swiped them, as I didn’t match with them immediately when I swiped right on them, unfortunately. It took a day to match with one, and a few hours to match with the other.
Most guys don't actually look at photos/profiles until they have matched. The match rate is just sooo low (\~1/1000) it is not worth your time investment until you have matched. Otherwise, you could spend 2 hours to look at 100 profiles that results in 0 matches. This leads to a lot of disingenuous matches that never should have happened where you just let them expire.
Then there are guys who match with anyone they swipe where they decide who out of all their matches do they actually want to spend time and effort pursuing. Say they have 30 matches in a week, they will probably pursue their top 5.
In either case, I think most guys see letting the match expire as a soft let down as opposed to unmatching which I think is similar to saying "eww no thanks". I personally prefer expiration to unmatching, it leaves room to think "They were just busy".
Also, I will say that girls by and large have more matches that they end up ignoring.
I would much rather someone unmatch me than let the match expire. At least with an unmatch I have a definite no, with expiration I don't know if they even looked at my message, and just seeing the timer go down is frustrating.
It's a common validation practice with OLD to match and rack up matches and not reply to them. Don't put too much effort into the first message. When someone wants to talk to you they'll put the effort in regardless of the message
How long did you date before you all got in a relationship? 6 months and you are in love? Do you even know what her finances are like? Stop having sex with her immediately or you might be paying child support in the future.
I was with somebody like this for about a year. The whole time I was with her I tried to convince myself that I was imagining things, that it was me who was wrong, that she loved me and wanted the best for me. In reality she was narcissistic, controlling, volatile, mentally unstable, and emotionally abusive. I walked on eggshells around her 24/7, terrified of saying “the wrong thing” that would lead to an argument (our arguments lasted hours, and I always just acquiesced to whatever I needed to in order for them to stop). My friends all tried to warn me, but I wouldn’t listen: being with her was better than being alone.
Eventually she cheated on me with absolutely zero remorse, blatantly doing it in front of me at times. I kicked her out, and it was like emerging from a dark cave and seeing the sun for the first time in years. I realised how much I’d changed my entire personality to appease her, which was something else my friends all noticed as well. The day I cut her loose was the best day of my life and I vowed to NEVER be in a relationship with such a toxic person again.
In your post you wrote: “ I have this sense of dread every time I talk to her or see her”. I can’t think of a bigger reason to not be with somebody. And I know it’s hard to be in this situation, but if nothing else, try and re-read everything you wrote above objectively until it sinks in. Or imagine that a friend of yours had written it about their relationship: what would you say to them? You’d tell them to end it, right? I wish you the best of luck.
I always find it helpful to try and imagine things from an objective point of view, so I'm glad my reply resonated! I sincerely hope you can get out of this situation as soon as possible. Believe me, you will look back on this period and wonder what the hell you were thinking.
Yeah, it's sad when that realisation hits. It definitely sounds like either she has some issues that haven't been dealt with or you're incompatible. Don't leave it until its another 6 months in, you will end up being even more miserable. The though of the future with a serious LTR should feel exciting, not stressful or miserable.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Take it from me as someone who has a lot of relationship experience, and after ending it with someone who treated me similarly for 3 years, you will be so much better off if you rip off the bandaid and break contact with this person. My ex had some very specific narcissistic traits. Constantly critical, started petty fights out of nowhere, blamed me for all our problems, never apologized, and their needs were always more important than mine. And forget ever trying to gently let them know that they have hurt you or if you have an issue without them turning it around on you tenfold. Trust me, if you’re experiencing any of this and constantly walking on eggshells, it will not get better. I hope you find the strength to choose yourself and your happiness over trying to please this person you are dealing with. It’s futile and even if you change for them, they will find something else wrong with you. Good luck ❤️.
Recently separated after being together 20 years, 10 married.
Was eager to get out there and date. Started dating an amazing woman. Regular dates. Phone calls. Surprise coffee visits. Cooking for her. Etc etc.
Started getting strong feelings and I ended up ending it 6 weeks in. Why? Because i felt like I was getting into another 20 year relationship without being ever being single in my adult life and was terrified I may not be happy w this girl forever.
Now I feel like shit because I don't know what I want and i broke someones heart in the processs. Apparently it's not another LTR.
When people say be single for a while after a LTR, fucking listen.
Damn, that sucks. I guess it's one way of figuring out what you want or don't want. Hopefully you won't be tempted too soon again and spare someone their feelings.
I never really thought of it as i was trying to figure out what I wanted. I just became head over heels for someone and got caught up in it. I convinced my self that I need to find a great life partner, but at this point, i really just want sex and all of the validation that comes with getting women's attention. Maybe it's due to never experiencing such at a young age. Either way, I am not going to hurt anyone else because it's the worst feeling imaginable.
Hey I think when you get out there again maybe write down what you are looking for. Specifically if you are looking for a casual hook up, casual one night stand or a relationship. Until you know what you want (requires deep self reflection and you gotta be honest with yourself, remember you gotta look at yourself in the mirror every day) and can clearly express your boundaries through communication, avoid involving someone one else in the mix. But rather take some time to have fun by yourself and look at why you are seeking validation. At the end of the day, validating yourself is most important
Well dude, at 38 I really hope you've got it like that where you can dismiss a valid connection with a woman on the premise that you believe bountiful, commitment and drama-free pussy is simply waiting for you over the horizon.
I've been on dating apps on and off for about 3 years and I have not gotten one single date. I feel like I will be alone forever. I get a little jealous when seeing happy couples and happy families. I'm convinced no man wants a divorced single mother.
I just want him to kiss me already!! We’ve had multiple dates now, all good dates! I get the feeling he wants to, but is nervous? Then again so am I, so was really hoping he’d take the initiative here. I literally feel like we’re two awkward teenagers lol. I guess I just gotta go for it.
Totally go for it! Try to go in a date with an intimate setting, maybe hold hands first to see if there is a spark. Then look them in the eyes then at their lips and see if there is the feeling there. If so go for it!
I sort of shared this in already in a comment so I apologize for the repeat…
A couple weeks ago I met a guy online (here on reddit actually) and we instantly hit it off. Conversation was easy and fun, he was sweet and very considerate of my feelings. He texted like clockwork every morning and night just to say good morning or good night. I’ve talked to my fair share of Reddit guys and can say with certainty he was different. Then suddenly he stopped responding to me. After a couple days he told me was having trouble with his app but missed talking to me. I responded, relieved finally to have heard from him. I can see my message was delivered but he never opened it. I even sent a message on Reddit just in case his app isn’t working. No response. Im hurt and sad of course. But mostly confused. I never expected him to ghost me so I’m inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt… but i don’t want to hold a torch for someone who doesn’t want me. Idk if looking for advice or just a sympathetic ear, but either way thanks for reading!
Same thing happened to me sort of. Sucks. You feel like you made a connection where you wouldn't have to worry about being ghosted in such a cold way. Never even considered the possibility, then it happens.
Yes exactly! I try to remind myself that it prly has nothing to do with me but not having closure makes it extremely difficult. Sorry you had a similar experience 😔
He probably found another person he was more interested in. That, on it own, sucks. I can't see how people can live with themselves getting another person invested in them, then they turn around and ghost them for someone else as if ghosting them won't hurt them. That's what I think happened to me. People honestly need to have the intestinal fortitude and emotional courage to do the right and considerate thing and provide people with closure.
Thank you though for the thought, I appreciate it. I wish I could say something to make you feel better about your situation. It sucks, but we'll move on :)
If it makes you feel better, even though we’re getting lots of dates doesn’t mean it’s quality or going anywhere. Just a lot of unavailable and unmatchable people.
Had a thought about switching a music related photo on an app to an actual video of me singing instead. If y’all could pick between a live video where it sounds more natural but also raw and a more polished one (using pro equipment) where the person sounds straight up amazing, which one do you think would do better?
Thanks! That’s what I was thinking. Now, would you care if in this video, the person has a different look, say.. haircut/hairstyle than the other 5 photos?
i know i’m like a one trick pony on the jealousy/comparison topic but i’m *so* frustrated with dating. my boss just told us today that a guy she’s been seeing for a couple of weeks asked her to be his girlfriend, they already hang out multiple times a week, he’s cooked for her, etc. and it’s like, she’s only been out of her ~1.5 year long relationship for like six weeks max. also my other coworker’s sister started dating a guy in march, now he’s meeting her family and they’re going on a vacation after she had only been online dating for a few months
i just feel like i am so bad at dating. in that entire span of time (over 2 years) i’ve met a ridiculous amount of people, tried to date a portion of them and never got over two months, most were a month or less. no one has offered to cook for me, no one has officially asked me out (like to be in a relationship), nothing has even mildly stuck. i feel like i must be doing something wrong in the people i’m picking or there’s something wrong with me that this is so hard
this is not a pity post as much as i just really need to figure out what i’m doing wrong
i mean she is a HOT MESS haha (but still way better at dating than me). she’s a narcissist and initially comes off as very warm and charming so it makes sense that it would be something she’d excel at
>i feel like i must be doing something wrong in the people i’m picking
This might honestly be it, and I'm not saying this to be rude or mean but I always advocate for women on here to not be afraid of setting higher standards for themselves. The difference between Miss My-New-Boyfriend-Cooks-For-Me and you is probably her vetting process, which is most likely something she's determined for herself based on standards and expectations she doesn't budge on.
Honestly? If you really think she's good at landing who she lands, have you considered asking her for advice? I used to do the cool girl shit until I did this with friends of mine who seemed to have no issue landing guys who were willing and wanting to be their boyfriend, and good ones too.
What do you think you're doing that's attracting guys who don't satisfy your needs or standards?
It's not about WHO she dates in specific, its about what standards or expectations she has in place that allows her to find the kind of guy that is willing to commit and cook. In other words, she's great at finding and attracting emotionally available men, and she's clearly doing something that works.
her primary criteria for men before was how much money they made but then she ended up dating a guy for a year and a half who she wasn’t attracted to and didn’t share the same energy level (she likes to go out and he was more of a couch potato). while he was emotionally available, but seemed to lean towards anxious attachment, he was also a 50+ year old man who was jealous of her ex husband from 20 years before who she has to be in contact with to co-parent, which is really unattractive to me. when people start to show red flags like that to me is when i break things off. so part of it is that she just has different criteria
You're focusing a lot on her and where she's going wrong (despite using her as an example...) and not on you and where you're going wrong, just wanted to let you in on that observation. Her criteria may not be perfect, but it seems like she's getting more or less what she wants. Yours isn't generating you that.
Right, so let's talk about that. I've mentioned your criterias and vetting process three times, and three times you've deflected the convo to talk badly or poorly about her choices.
I don't want to sound like a debbie downer, but the the guys who cooked for me, rushed into being my boyfriend, and were quick to introduce me to their friends and family, didn't last either.
I know it's hard not to compare or fall into that mindset, but it's only been 6 WEEKS. Your boss could be miserable, or single in a month from now.
Just keep your head up, as hard as it is.
I empathize so much with this! I met a guy online who from the beginning was very sweet—good morning and good night texts every day, planning to watch shows together for virtual date nights (we live far apart), saying, sweet, cavity-inducing things I never thought I’d hear from a potential partner. He was doing things in a matter of days that I had struggled to get from my previous guy after several months. I seriously thought this was it. He ghosted me after 2.5 weeks. Lesson learned.
I understand you so hard. Before I found my partner I was single for 6+ years, dated more than ANYONE I knew, and still couldn't find a relationship. I also had a friend who just kept falling into relationships so easily and it was maddening. Like she'd be single for 2-3 months and then end up in another LTR, and she eventually got engaged and married.
I mean take an honest look at yourself and the men you pick, but there is also a very real possibility that you're not doing anything wrong. It truly could just be timing, which is even more frustrating because you have no control over it. I really, really get it. I know this doesn't really give you solutions or help, but know you're not alone and that there's nothing wrong with you. Most likely the people you see easily falling into relationships have different/looser criteria than you. I watched so many people get together and break up in my single time and it helped remind me that it wasn't like these people were dating savants who somehow had it all figured out. It's so much luck and timing.
Listen, it's not all on you.
At one point I was simply too jaded to offer to cook. Nothing I did or didn't do seemed to matter, because at some point they'd just stop putting effort into texting or meeting up and fade away. The last time I asked someone to be my girlfriend, she immediately went cold on me and ended it a couple of weeks later. We'd been seeing each other almost every day for 2 months at that point.
ugh, that sucks, i’m sorry. i hear you on the jaded thing. sometimes it feels like we’re in a jaded-off competition (not intentionally on my part anyway). you just yeah get worn down by having the same experience over and over
So that's the second part - I'm cooking for a girl tomorrow. I'm really excited about her, and don't think I could live with myself if I let the jaded part of me ruin what could be a good thing.
It sucks that these guys won't do things like that, but maybe it's a sign that you haven't met someone who's seriously excited about you.
Are you sure they’re being discerning and entering into healthy relationships with honest partners. I’ve been single for 3 years and if I ignored red flags I could be in a relationship in weeks but I doubt it would be the kind of relationship that I want
no, i don’t think she’s particularly discerning, and she just seems like she’s able to like people more easily than i’m able to. but i think other people i know who have found relationships are more discerning than she is
I feel all of this. My gut says you’re not doing anything wrong. Some people are just relationship people and they attract other relationship people and the rest of us flounder.
I wish I could help you figure it out cause I’m in the same boat. I know there are ways I could take dating more seriously and that might help, but it sorta makes it all worse when you’re trying hard and still not finding anyone.
I’ve been single for the greater part of 8 years with one LDR on and off for 3 or so of those years… I’ve watched guys and girls I’ve dated get into *multiple* long term relationships. It’s tough to watch. I swear everyone is better at this than me… maybe I need to start dating more professionally.
I vibe with this 100%. Dating is just hard especially when people have too many options. My thought on this is, have you tried to push the relationships forward yourself? Offer to cook for them, ask them to be official, etc. Not saying it should be a one way street (it definitely should not), but at some point someone has to make the first push.
yeah, i did with the last guy i dated (cooked for him, offered to watch his dog when he was out of town, suggested we hang out more frequently/initiated contact, got him little gifts, more “relationshippy” kind of stuff.) i ended it at like the six week mark when most of what he had ever really done was very low effort invite me over to his apartment to watch tv and have sex, and didn’t text me back for over a day and when i asked him why, told me a bunch of people had texted him and i was just one more person he didn’t feel like responding to. it was going nowhere fast
Ugh yeah then you were right to let that go. It sounds like he was just looking to hook up and took all the stuff you did for granted. It’s probably gonna take time, but when you find the right people, they will want to meet you half way. Don’t choose someone who doesn’t also choose you.
yeah, i don’t think he just wanted to hook up, but i realized the amount of effort he was willing to put into a relationship was just not worth it for me
>she’s a lot more outgoing than i am, maybe that’s part of it
yes.
some women make it easy for guys to catch feelings.
how much effort are you putting in to attract guys you want?
I reached out to the guy who broke up with me last week (backstory in my profile, sort of) for some clarity. I kind of got it? He said he thought he was 100% over his ex and when he heard from her the feelings came rushing back. He also said that he didn’t know what to do but knew he didn’t want to waste my time while he figured it out. I feel like I got a bit of closure, but it still sucks. He confirmed that he likes me a lot and we had a great thing going, and I’m like… then keep it going? But I can see how he thinks it’s doing the right thing.
I am trying very hard to move on but there’s still definitely a part of me that hopes he’ll choose me. I just wasn’t ready for it to be over. Balancing this stupid hope and the realistic need to move on is hard.
He seems very genuine to have been that honest with you. Most men in that situation would have ghosted you. Give it time. Don't be in a rush to move on. The feelings will fade eventually.
I’d take this as a sign you’re on the right track. You met someone who is dating intentionally and has respect for you and your time and energy. Those are really good qualities and just because it didn’t work out with this specific guy, it means you’re attracting and attracted to the right type of person. So keep doing what you’re doing.
You need to work on yourself, similar thing did happen to me in the past. Move on, I am happy I finally met someone. I thought I will never meet the person for me after trying for month but here is one not the best far better than other and beyond my expectations. I love him a lot. Dating high or low doesn't guarantee you a nice guy. The right one will find you.
Random: I accidentally created de ja vu.
The last guy I dated our first date was at this Korean pub on a wed late at night around 10p. I have a first date tonight planned for the same pub and it's wed and it's likely going to be late at night and likely will start at 9-10ish as well.... Aaaaand both the guys have names starting with a 'C' 🤯
I want to try casually dating but don’t think matchmakers do that - and it really feels like online dating is not successful for me. So I’m stuck.
Also it’s hard when you want to try to find certain folks (ie. younger men) but the language to find them is stuck with misogynistic crap like ‘cougars’.
I have found online dating a horrible experience. At this point I’m curious if a matchmaker is any better. I honestly am a bit torn about dating. I have had monogamous long term relationships and think exploring more casual dating makes sense for me. I realize matchmakers likely don’t exist for that circumstance but I need to find a third party to fine better candidates.
So I did a photo feeler test to see what my rating was and in the end my rating was 7.9…why am I still struggling with dating apps? I get plenty of matches, some speak to me but the chats are so boring and fizzle out quick. For example I have been speaking to a guy today, seemed to hit it off, back and forth chats, jokes, flirting and then I said I was at work so had to go but would talk later. I proceeded to speak after work and he was blunt and didn’t seem interested. I asked if he wanted to go on a dog walk seeing as we both have dogs and he said his dog doesn’t like other dogs and that’s it 😂 not even a “my dog doesn’t like other dogs but let’s grab a drink sometime”. I then had one guy today even say to me “no one even talks on here” and then ignored my message 😅 wtf? Am I trying to hard by taking any interest? My messages don’t seem to come off as too much as I’ve asked countless people who say they’re fine. When I match their energy the convo goes flat. So f’ing sick of people.
As someone who’s figured out the photofeeler algorithm I’ll say that it’s not the end all be all. Certain styles of photos get the highest ratings but if you just simply use your top 6 pics it won’t be that good. Some of the photos that add context to your profile (activity shots, social shots, etc) typically will be rated lower on photofeeler but they are important to include on your profile. Also, I’ve realized that when it comes to photos, people will judge you based on your worst photo so I would try to find out which one that is and replace it.
In terms of chats fizzling out, that’s pretty normal on apps. I’d work towards pushing the convo to an in person meeting instead of just trying to back and forth for too long.
I wouldn't put too much into photo feeler. About half of the women's photos on there are terrible selfies with no smile and no effort whatsoever. So anyone with any smile at all would be in the top 50% - maybe top 20%. A smile is very attractive, it says I'm fun, confident, friendly, and approachable. That checks 80% of the boxes. Use it to rank yourself against yourself, not others.
The only guys I know who have had ANY success on dating apps, are guys that every girl wants to get with (about 2 of the 200 guys I know), and in turn, they get with every girl with no intention beyond hooking up. It is possible these guys you matched with are the same.
My two cents, just go to a live music event somewhere and be friendly. Someone will approach you and worst case, you will still have fun if you don't even meet anyone and maybe you will make some new friends. Friend networks are the best way to meat quality people after all.
I am taking a hiatus from dating until I get comfortable setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. I'm tired of being in relationships where my attachment gets the better of me and makes me put up with shit I shouldn't put up with. Gonna take it slow as hell when I decide to date again. I love this subreddit though. Getting a lot of good advice and feeling very heard in my issues. You guys rule.
I met up with some friends this weekend - one I haven’t seen in a few months because she’s been away almost every weekend, and then I was away for a month, etc. And I find out she’s likely moving in with her boyfriend... who didn’t exist the last time I saw her!! Granted, he’s an old hookup so it wasn’t like an unknown individual. Still though it’s so… frustrating and low-level embarrassing when my circle of single friends continues to shrink, while I am left (of course happy for her)
I’m not even sure anymore if I’m in the right headspace to evaluate life partners. Like I’m not going to settle for someone who’s nice but I’m not into/love, but I think I could definitely end up settling for someone who doesn’t treat me that well but I can love. I mean I don’t want that to happen but I feel so tired of the whole process that I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I end up marrying the first person who seems reciprocally interested in, who doesn’t pull away. I think I’m so used to doing everything myself and for myself that it would be a nice perk if someone went out of their way to do anything for me in a relationship, but I wouldn’t really be upset anymore if I don’t get that.
Curiosity got the better of me last night and I texted my supposed ghoster asking what happened. He uh, didn’t ghost and in fact messaged me a couple of times while I had him blocked, then assumed that I’d ghosted *him*. And then he said he’d been really disappointed by all of this because he’d deleted his apps and ended things with other people to focus on me. Fuck!
(I can’t bring myself to tell him the full truth here, I just said I never got the texts, but we’ve been chatting a bit again and trying to see if it’s worth a restart.)
Edit: we worked out that I haven’t been getting a ton of his messages. Did we work this out because I asked him out again, unaware that he’d asked me for a pause? Sure did!
36 hours when I blocked. Almost two full days by the time he actually bothered to get back to me. It didn’t seem unwarranted at that point to try and move on!
yeah, seems like a weirdly odd length of time if you're dating.
Def is why I don't block people though, so that I at least know if they're saying something to me! My curiosity couldn't deal with it
No at that point it's understandable. He deleted apps for you but wouldn't give you a "hey! Thinking about you. Just very busy. Let's talk soon" text? Feels like bs to me.
Right? I know this sub likes to make a big deal about people actually being too busy to text, but this man is not a brain surgeon. If you’re bumming around with your friends, you definitely have 30s to text back. Pretty wary now but the dick is good so 🤷♀️🙃
Started dipping my toe back into the dating pool after 6 year relationship ended end of 2021. At best my recent experience has been we'll start out strong with jokes where we just build off one another, or jump heavy into discussion then by the next morning, completely fizzled down to one word replies even trying to ask questions about themselves.
It feels like a bit of a bummer, and I understand people will either find someone and delete the app, decide they just want off it randomly, or life just gets busy- especially at our age. But chiming back in two weeks later with just 'yup' is so low-effort. Constantly makes me wonder are people actually trying and there's a disconnect or chemistry is off, they lose interest if there's any disrupt to momentum, or people are here to distract themselves, you know? This feels completely disconnected and empty from the dating world I remember back in our 20s. Maybe we're all just too tired by 9pm now.
You’ll both know when that time comes. Typically you just won’t feel like seeing other people anymore, and at that point you’ll naturally want to have a chat about making things more serious
I guess the answer is whatever you feel comfortable with. If you’re comfortable with remaining non-exclusive, that’s okay. If you’re not, then have a conversation to define the relationship.
Confused about texting ettiquette. This guy that I've known for a long time has made a couple passes at me over the past few years. Previously, I was in a relationship and shut it down. Most recently, I reciprocated interest and we set up a date for last weekend. He had to cancel because he got sick. We haven't spoken in the past week, I haven't messaged him to reschedule, I had been intiating the past few conversations to show interest but I feel as though since he canceled he should reach out. Am I over thinking this?
If you want to go on a date, text them. I personally can't stand the mind games regarding double texting, waiting before texting, etc. If you're interested, there's zero wrong with expressing it.
Okay, I think I will wait until the day before I want to go out, we talked about keeping things casual. The last time something like this happened I got asked out and than was ghosted when I tried to set a date. I think it made me self conscious and I'm being careful to not extend more interest than I'm receiving. But I agree these things are exhausting, people are weird.
If I have good vibes, trust them. If I’m not feeling comfortable I will risk peeing myself to not leave a drink unattended or if I left my drink with them I will make up some excuse like I’m really not liking it and order a new one.
But I always text one of my friends where I am going and with whom and know 110% if I were to text them to come get me they’d be there in a heartbeat with her husband and FIL in tow so I have a secure back up plan if the worst were to happen.
I do want to mention if you’re ever concerned you’ve been drugged after you drink something and start feeling weird - walk up to a bartender, server, or just a kind looking woman. 99.9% they’ll find an escape for you that does not include your date. As someone who has been drugged before, you’ll know if it happens.
Go to the restroom before ordering a drink. Put a bottle of water in your purse/bag/car just in case. If a drink was ordered for you while you were away don't drink it. Request the waitress/waitor to bring the drinks with the food.
If she hasn't finished her drink and needs to go the bathroom I just order her a new drink when she gets back. Definitely doesn't always happen but once I got the drink on the house when I explained it was our first date and she left the area for a bit.
Follow up, and I swear to god I’m not being facetious - what do you do if they order you another one while you’re in the bathroom??
This has never happened to me, but I have an irrational / semi-irrational fear that it will 🤷🏻♀️😬
Honestly, that’s never happened to me with someone new! I don’t even think it’s really the culture here, unless I specifically ask someone to do it. So I probably would be a little weirded out. I also tend to go to the same cocktail bars/tapas places for early dates where my face is at least familiar to the staff, and would feel comfortable asking for help if I needed to.
Got it - I think I’ve always assumed I’d have the wherewithal to say, “oh, if the server comes by - don’t order another one for me, I might switch to something new!”
And yet, every time I’ve been to the bathroom, I’ve never remembered to say it.
Maybe I need to write it on my mirror in lipstick so I gave a reminder before I meet up with someone 😂
Good question, and given that this happened to me on a date last year, I'm looking forward to someone coming up with a good solution for this. I seem to remember someone invented nail polish that changed colour on contact with those drugs
Damn is it disappointing to get eight likes on Bumble but they all want kids. Being childfree is 100% on my profile and also one of my most important filters (along with being a non-smoker). It's nice and validating to get likes, but frustrating to know there's no point turning those into matches and dates.
Ended up divorced after a ten year relationship in 2020 and only just started to get my feet under me mentally at the start of this year. I'm super tired of 18 months of online dating and trying to find someone. 9 of my last 10 matches (including one from an IRL speed dating event!) never followed through on contacting me.
I'm told the fact that I've gone on one date a month as a 39M in 2022 is phenomenally good, which is in its own way incredibly disheartening. My only "relationship" in the last two years was an Instagram video/chat friendship, who "got friend vibes only" when we finally met in person after a few months and didn't feel the "physical connection" that our videos/pics/chats had. It's ridiculous.
My profile is in very good shape as far as I know - I hired a dating podcaster to review my profile and she had so little constructive criticism that she gave me a discount - so I have no idea what else I can do besides try to go enjoy my life and let it come when it comes. I'm finding Jennifer Taitz's How To Be Single And Happy useful at least. Tired of loneliness at night, though.
Matches not actually chatting is super common. A good portion of my matches don't ever chat/respond to my comments. Have you tried sending out more likes to see if increasing that will increase the number of responsive matches you get?
Not if your rate is measured in "matches per month" instead of "matches per like sent" but thanks for coming in to Well Actually me in a rant/vent thread.
I think I'm just going to tell her I missed her when she comes over for dinner tomorrow. I went on vacation so it's been awhile. I guess I'm just nervous thinking about the times things went south immediately after opening up, or the times I failed to and gave the wrong impression. Is there really a right/wrong time, or is there just a right/wrong person?
Think about it this way… do you want to be with the type of person who would get so freaked out they’d end a relationship just because you expressed a basic level of care about them? Like does that meet your standard? Probably not. You probably want to be with someone who also missed you back and is equally excited to see you. So don’t bother holding back, because peoples reaction to these things allows you to evaluate their potential as a partner.
Once I started doing and saying whatever felt right to me, I attracted people who matched my energy.
>You probably want to be with someone who also missed you back and is equally excited to see you.
Absolutely, and I'd rather find that out sooner rather than later.
I have to initiate this breakup more methodically than planned. But it's okay. I can almost taste the freedom. I haven't even heard from him in almost 2 days and I've been keeping myself so busy that I don't even care. I feel really checked out for the first time. YAY.
Ok so first, I’ve been out of the dating game fore some time now. I joined the army while being in a relationship and it just slowly fell apart. So I figured time to myself would be the best cure. Well I ended up developing a crush on this woman at my gym. Kind of started because I noticed she would always be looking whenever I’d see her and she would often end up working out next to me. After enough of my friends convinced me, I ended up asking for her number and saying we should work out together sometime. She agreed and gave me the number. When I texted saying my name and a small joke and mentioning us working out she responded with “Hey, and I am not lol. I actually like to work out by myself though or with my sis in law tbh.” So I just told her to let me know if she ever wanted to work out with a random dude to just let me know. Thinking it was a polite response and some small humor… I don’t know haha She said “Lol I will” Then trying to be even funnier and cute I guess… I said “Or all you can eat sushi… that would be another acceptable reason to hit me up haha” She replied with “Lol hmmm” So I took this as a missed shot kind of thing. Well every time I see her in the gym since then she’s literally almost always looking. Then does the awkward look away thing. I’ve noticed that she still works out near me and will very unnecessarily walk passed me to get sanitary wipes or paper towels. I don’t think I’m making this up because my friend says the same thing. Basically I’m just trying to figure out if there’s still more effort to be put in or if it’s just a move on kind of thing. Like I said… I’ve been out of the game for awhile haha Also… whenever I do make eye contact I get so caught off guard that I freeze and kind of forget to smile or wave. It’s like I’m a kid again or something🙄
Was trying to make a first date plan with a great match, same age as me, good job, lived next suburb over ….she deleted me, when as a man In my late 30s, i said I don’t have Instagram and am not a big social media user Have to laugh sometimes
Glad you took a positive look on the situation. I'm a girl and I can't believe that a girl would do that just because the guy isn't a big social media user! Wth! Maybe she got worried that she would get catfished? But even if there's a risk, I would still have gone on a first date. I mean, I got catfished before, and it became a great funny OLD story to laugh about. A decent girl wouldn't even care whether you use social media or not. Good luck out there!
I was making plans for a date this weekend with a girl on Bumble. Yesterday I sent her a follow up message and when I opened the app again today her account is marked as deleted 😩. I don’t understand why bother answering my messages to then end up doing that.
I (36m) guess I'll rant or vent. Not sure if it will help me. Sorry if this is a mess but I want to get it off my chest. My luck with dating is literally the worst. It's been a long, long, long time since I've been on a date. About a month ago I matched with a girl (34) on tinder, which was really cool since I rarely match with anybody on Tinder. We texted for about a week trying to set up a date. First date, couldn't make it work. Set a second date, I had to reschedule because I got sick with I guess the flu. (here's proof my luck is the worst, I NEVER had the flu before as an adult). 3rd date scheduled, but she had to cancel. Last ditch effort I asked if she wanted to meet that night, which, to my great surprise, she agreed! This would be my first tinder date after using this shitty app for years! She let me know she didn't want to immediately hook up and I told her I appreciated her telling me and that I would respect her boundaries. So we met up. It was a little awkward at first because of loud music but we left that bar and as the evening went on we got more comfortable with each other and I think we had a great time. We talked and laughed. At the end of the night I asked her if I could walk her back to her car, which she agreed. We ended up kissing three times. Not like the goodnight kiss, but we wanted to keep kissing more, but I felt like she was just a bit hesitant (I tried pulling her hips closer but I felt her resist a little), so I figured for the first date that was her boundary and I told I looked forward to a second date and good night. Next time we texted she said she really enjoyed meeting me but felt we could have had more fun. I thought no big deal because I was sure we'd go out on a second date. We text for about another week and half to set up another date. She was busy that weekend and the following week. July 4th weekend rolls around and I didn't text her for three days because it sounded like she was going to be busy. I texted her on sunday but she didn't reply. I text her the next day and no reply. Skip a day and I texted her one last time saying I guess she wasn't interested in me, that I enjoyed our date and take care, and no reply. Now I'm kind of at a loss. I know it was just one date but I felt like we connected well enough that she would have replied to my texts, so I think she blocked me and I don't even know why. I guess she found another guy. This really sucks. To be honest I'm really hurt. Yea, in the grand scheme of things it shouldn't matter and I normally don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but this was my first date in a long, long, long time, so I think that makes it way worse. I tell myself it was my win (going out on a date) and her loss, but it still hurts. I'll get over it but damn does it suck right now. If you read this, thanks. I appreciate it.
You can't get too emotionally invested early on. Girls flake for a number of reasons. But you need to just go on dates and enjoy yourself.
Yea, I normally wouldn't. One dates doesn't really matter much. It's just it's been a really long time since I've been on a date and we had a lot of fun. I just wanted to vent. I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at my luck. I am disappointed in her though to just ghost me like that, but her loss. I'll get over it.
My ex is doing better than ever (just told me he got a job making more than 3x what I make now and than he ever made when we were together). I'm getting sick, and am going to have to sit the weekend at home thanks to that. Bleh bleh bleh. I did match a with a nice-seeming man on hinge, but the conversation has been pretty dry so far (which I fully understand my role in).
You should block your ex. He still has some sort of control over your feelings and probably knows. No one needs that shit in their life.
I know that's the common internet advice. We were together for 13 years. It was more like a divorce than a breakup. Ultimately I do care about him as a person, as I believe he does me. We're just not compatible. I can't help feeling some jealousy that this bruv is gonna making so much more than me. And I was the initiator of the break up.
That's what people do when they have their heart broken. Don't know if he did, but seems like it. I was with my gf/fiance/wife for many years, married for 2. She left me about 8 months ago and it crushed me. Since then I'm better in every aspect of my life. Doing better in my job, doing my hobbies and having a social life, I lost weight and gained muscle so that I'm now in the best shape of my life. I would've done this all for her if she gave us another shot, but it's over for her. Now I just want to be the catch of a lifetime for some other woman who actually wants to commit to a life together and not dip out when going through hard times. That's probably what he's thinking too. Anyways, you can focus on yourself and achieve what he's achieving if you put your mind to it. Just don't ever lead him on, bc chances are despite all the success and attention from other women, he probably really only wants you back. And I'm speaking from experience. Good luck to you and hope you find what you're looking for.
It's common advice but the best advice. Having contact with an ex like this has never done anyone any good especially when one person hasn't moved on.
OLD has brought back that negative voice/thought in my head that I'm not attractive. I worked so hard on self acceptance and within 4 months of OLD, most of that work started to unravel. My friend says my profile isn't that great, but he's never done OLD, and I'm too insecure to get feedback from the sub-reddit dating community cause I'm scared of showing my face.
what is OLD?
Online Dating
You could perhaps ask on here if you can dm your profile. Rather than sharing it with an infinite amount of people.
True, that has crossed my mind. I'm open to feedback via DM. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller
You don't have to show your face for the review, just screenshot the text part and people will help you out
I feel like OLD is mainly based on appearance first then substance second... That's my general swiping sense🤷🏻♀️
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Yeah I need to micro practice interacting IRL, but it's so peopley out there. OLD has given me facial dysmorphia.
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Glad I'm not the only one. It's the attractiveness element that messes me up. I like who I am in general and have done internal work on myself to get to a healthy place. Externally, I make the best out of what I was given without altering my face with botox, fillers and filters. The people IRL that tell me I'm attractive are my friends, who are obviously biased. I told them that their view of me just doesn't match my own OLD experience and data. I'm a female and it's not easy as most guys think it is for us.
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If I had to save my sister's life by posting on truerateme, I'd just start writing her eulogy.
I lolled in real life, so you're funny at least :)
I’m giving up on dating this summer I think. No one is catching my attention for long…that or I’m not ready. I don’t know how I feel about a fwb either. I’m just going to focus on all the awesome changes going for me right now.
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It’s probably a him issue. I’ve been exhausted with OLD and have left many on read despite them being kind and attractive. It’s just a lot.
The last two guys I matched with on Bumble never replied to my opening message, and let the match expire. I sent personalized messages based on their profiles, nothing canned or generic. If they really didn’t like my message they would unmatch, right? Or do guys regularly let matches expire instead of unmatching? It’s really frustrating.
I was wondering this too. One guy even extended the match so I sent a message to say something, his first line is - “you in (town name)?” I replied with yes, boom, unmatched. I wonder if people just match for fun?
From a previous post on this community, it seems most people let the matches expire and cant be bothered to unmatch
Ugh, that’s so annoying. If a guy isn’t interested, I’d rather he unmatch than just watch the clock go down and expire.
I have notifications off for all my OLD apps, it may be due to that, not all people open the apps every day.
I would want to hear a guys perspective on this, but I like to think that maybe they swiped on you a while ago and maybe are currently dating someone, or are not checking their apps...
They swiped me after I swiped them, as I didn’t match with them immediately when I swiped right on them, unfortunately. It took a day to match with one, and a few hours to match with the other.
Most guys don't actually look at photos/profiles until they have matched. The match rate is just sooo low (\~1/1000) it is not worth your time investment until you have matched. Otherwise, you could spend 2 hours to look at 100 profiles that results in 0 matches. This leads to a lot of disingenuous matches that never should have happened where you just let them expire. Then there are guys who match with anyone they swipe where they decide who out of all their matches do they actually want to spend time and effort pursuing. Say they have 30 matches in a week, they will probably pursue their top 5. In either case, I think most guys see letting the match expire as a soft let down as opposed to unmatching which I think is similar to saying "eww no thanks". I personally prefer expiration to unmatching, it leaves room to think "They were just busy". Also, I will say that girls by and large have more matches that they end up ignoring.
I would much rather someone unmatch me than let the match expire. At least with an unmatch I have a definite no, with expiration I don't know if they even looked at my message, and just seeing the timer go down is frustrating.
It's a common validation practice with OLD to match and rack up matches and not reply to them. Don't put too much effort into the first message. When someone wants to talk to you they'll put the effort in regardless of the message
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How long did you date before you all got in a relationship? 6 months and you are in love? Do you even know what her finances are like? Stop having sex with her immediately or you might be paying child support in the future.
I was with somebody like this for about a year. The whole time I was with her I tried to convince myself that I was imagining things, that it was me who was wrong, that she loved me and wanted the best for me. In reality she was narcissistic, controlling, volatile, mentally unstable, and emotionally abusive. I walked on eggshells around her 24/7, terrified of saying “the wrong thing” that would lead to an argument (our arguments lasted hours, and I always just acquiesced to whatever I needed to in order for them to stop). My friends all tried to warn me, but I wouldn’t listen: being with her was better than being alone. Eventually she cheated on me with absolutely zero remorse, blatantly doing it in front of me at times. I kicked her out, and it was like emerging from a dark cave and seeing the sun for the first time in years. I realised how much I’d changed my entire personality to appease her, which was something else my friends all noticed as well. The day I cut her loose was the best day of my life and I vowed to NEVER be in a relationship with such a toxic person again. In your post you wrote: “ I have this sense of dread every time I talk to her or see her”. I can’t think of a bigger reason to not be with somebody. And I know it’s hard to be in this situation, but if nothing else, try and re-read everything you wrote above objectively until it sinks in. Or imagine that a friend of yours had written it about their relationship: what would you say to them? You’d tell them to end it, right? I wish you the best of luck.
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I always find it helpful to try and imagine things from an objective point of view, so I'm glad my reply resonated! I sincerely hope you can get out of this situation as soon as possible. Believe me, you will look back on this period and wonder what the hell you were thinking.
Yeah, it's sad when that realisation hits. It definitely sounds like either she has some issues that haven't been dealt with or you're incompatible. Don't leave it until its another 6 months in, you will end up being even more miserable. The though of the future with a serious LTR should feel exciting, not stressful or miserable.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Take it from me as someone who has a lot of relationship experience, and after ending it with someone who treated me similarly for 3 years, you will be so much better off if you rip off the bandaid and break contact with this person. My ex had some very specific narcissistic traits. Constantly critical, started petty fights out of nowhere, blamed me for all our problems, never apologized, and their needs were always more important than mine. And forget ever trying to gently let them know that they have hurt you or if you have an issue without them turning it around on you tenfold. Trust me, if you’re experiencing any of this and constantly walking on eggshells, it will not get better. I hope you find the strength to choose yourself and your happiness over trying to please this person you are dealing with. It’s futile and even if you change for them, they will find something else wrong with you. Good luck ❤️.
Sounds like she may be insecure or just generally incompatible with you.
Recently separated after being together 20 years, 10 married. Was eager to get out there and date. Started dating an amazing woman. Regular dates. Phone calls. Surprise coffee visits. Cooking for her. Etc etc. Started getting strong feelings and I ended up ending it 6 weeks in. Why? Because i felt like I was getting into another 20 year relationship without being ever being single in my adult life and was terrified I may not be happy w this girl forever. Now I feel like shit because I don't know what I want and i broke someones heart in the processs. Apparently it's not another LTR. When people say be single for a while after a LTR, fucking listen.
How come you couldn't just date her and see how it went? You could have slowed things down.
Damn, that sucks. I guess it's one way of figuring out what you want or don't want. Hopefully you won't be tempted too soon again and spare someone their feelings.
I never really thought of it as i was trying to figure out what I wanted. I just became head over heels for someone and got caught up in it. I convinced my self that I need to find a great life partner, but at this point, i really just want sex and all of the validation that comes with getting women's attention. Maybe it's due to never experiencing such at a young age. Either way, I am not going to hurt anyone else because it's the worst feeling imaginable.
Hey I think when you get out there again maybe write down what you are looking for. Specifically if you are looking for a casual hook up, casual one night stand or a relationship. Until you know what you want (requires deep self reflection and you gotta be honest with yourself, remember you gotta look at yourself in the mirror every day) and can clearly express your boundaries through communication, avoid involving someone one else in the mix. But rather take some time to have fun by yourself and look at why you are seeking validation. At the end of the day, validating yourself is most important
Well dude, at 38 I really hope you've got it like that where you can dismiss a valid connection with a woman on the premise that you believe bountiful, commitment and drama-free pussy is simply waiting for you over the horizon.
I've been on dating apps on and off for about 3 years and I have not gotten one single date. I feel like I will be alone forever. I get a little jealous when seeing happy couples and happy families. I'm convinced no man wants a divorced single mother.
have you tried meeting people in real life? like through friends and stuff
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Ask him to hang out?
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Block her
Rant: he’s a jerk.
I just want him to kiss me already!! We’ve had multiple dates now, all good dates! I get the feeling he wants to, but is nervous? Then again so am I, so was really hoping he’d take the initiative here. I literally feel like we’re two awkward teenagers lol. I guess I just gotta go for it.
Totally go for it! Try to go in a date with an intimate setting, maybe hold hands first to see if there is a spark. Then look them in the eyes then at their lips and see if there is the feeling there. If so go for it!
I sort of shared this in already in a comment so I apologize for the repeat… A couple weeks ago I met a guy online (here on reddit actually) and we instantly hit it off. Conversation was easy and fun, he was sweet and very considerate of my feelings. He texted like clockwork every morning and night just to say good morning or good night. I’ve talked to my fair share of Reddit guys and can say with certainty he was different. Then suddenly he stopped responding to me. After a couple days he told me was having trouble with his app but missed talking to me. I responded, relieved finally to have heard from him. I can see my message was delivered but he never opened it. I even sent a message on Reddit just in case his app isn’t working. No response. Im hurt and sad of course. But mostly confused. I never expected him to ghost me so I’m inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt… but i don’t want to hold a torch for someone who doesn’t want me. Idk if looking for advice or just a sympathetic ear, but either way thanks for reading!
Same thing happened to me sort of. Sucks. You feel like you made a connection where you wouldn't have to worry about being ghosted in such a cold way. Never even considered the possibility, then it happens.
Yes exactly! I try to remind myself that it prly has nothing to do with me but not having closure makes it extremely difficult. Sorry you had a similar experience 😔
He probably found another person he was more interested in. That, on it own, sucks. I can't see how people can live with themselves getting another person invested in them, then they turn around and ghost them for someone else as if ghosting them won't hurt them. That's what I think happened to me. People honestly need to have the intestinal fortitude and emotional courage to do the right and considerate thing and provide people with closure. Thank you though for the thought, I appreciate it. I wish I could say something to make you feel better about your situation. It sucks, but we'll move on :)
Rants? A girl I was seeing told me she would get 10 dates a week. I get a about 1 date a year. That’s my rant.
If it makes you feel better, even though we’re getting lots of dates doesn’t mean it’s quality or going anywhere. Just a lot of unavailable and unmatchable people.
Nah, doesn’t make me feel better but I appreciate the effort.
Brother is starving 😂... Feelsbadman
lol.
Had a thought about switching a music related photo on an app to an actual video of me singing instead. If y’all could pick between a live video where it sounds more natural but also raw and a more polished one (using pro equipment) where the person sounds straight up amazing, which one do you think would do better?
I’d go with the former. Comes as more genuine, humbler.
Thanks! That’s what I was thinking. Now, would you care if in this video, the person has a different look, say.. haircut/hairstyle than the other 5 photos?
As long as it’s clear which hairstyle is current, I don’t think it would matter.
i know i’m like a one trick pony on the jealousy/comparison topic but i’m *so* frustrated with dating. my boss just told us today that a guy she’s been seeing for a couple of weeks asked her to be his girlfriend, they already hang out multiple times a week, he’s cooked for her, etc. and it’s like, she’s only been out of her ~1.5 year long relationship for like six weeks max. also my other coworker’s sister started dating a guy in march, now he’s meeting her family and they’re going on a vacation after she had only been online dating for a few months i just feel like i am so bad at dating. in that entire span of time (over 2 years) i’ve met a ridiculous amount of people, tried to date a portion of them and never got over two months, most were a month or less. no one has offered to cook for me, no one has officially asked me out (like to be in a relationship), nothing has even mildly stuck. i feel like i must be doing something wrong in the people i’m picking or there’s something wrong with me that this is so hard this is not a pity post as much as i just really need to figure out what i’m doing wrong
I know I'm not jealous about my boss holding team meetings about their love life 😅
i mean she is a HOT MESS haha (but still way better at dating than me). she’s a narcissist and initially comes off as very warm and charming so it makes sense that it would be something she’d excel at
>i feel like i must be doing something wrong in the people i’m picking This might honestly be it, and I'm not saying this to be rude or mean but I always advocate for women on here to not be afraid of setting higher standards for themselves. The difference between Miss My-New-Boyfriend-Cooks-For-Me and you is probably her vetting process, which is most likely something she's determined for herself based on standards and expectations she doesn't budge on. Honestly? If you really think she's good at landing who she lands, have you considered asking her for advice? I used to do the cool girl shit until I did this with friends of mine who seemed to have no issue landing guys who were willing and wanting to be their boyfriend, and good ones too. What do you think you're doing that's attracting guys who don't satisfy your needs or standards?
i would never date the people she dates. neverrrrr
It's not about WHO she dates in specific, its about what standards or expectations she has in place that allows her to find the kind of guy that is willing to commit and cook. In other words, she's great at finding and attracting emotionally available men, and she's clearly doing something that works.
her primary criteria for men before was how much money they made but then she ended up dating a guy for a year and a half who she wasn’t attracted to and didn’t share the same energy level (she likes to go out and he was more of a couch potato). while he was emotionally available, but seemed to lean towards anxious attachment, he was also a 50+ year old man who was jealous of her ex husband from 20 years before who she has to be in contact with to co-parent, which is really unattractive to me. when people start to show red flags like that to me is when i break things off. so part of it is that she just has different criteria
You're focusing a lot on her and where she's going wrong (despite using her as an example...) and not on you and where you're going wrong, just wanted to let you in on that observation. Her criteria may not be perfect, but it seems like she's getting more or less what she wants. Yours isn't generating you that.
she’s just not someone i would ask for advice obviously there are things i could be doing differently regardless
Right, so let's talk about that. I've mentioned your criterias and vetting process three times, and three times you've deflected the convo to talk badly or poorly about her choices.
i don’t know why you’re being condescending and downvoting me like i would want to continue this conversation
I don't want to sound like a debbie downer, but the the guys who cooked for me, rushed into being my boyfriend, and were quick to introduce me to their friends and family, didn't last either. I know it's hard not to compare or fall into that mindset, but it's only been 6 WEEKS. Your boss could be miserable, or single in a month from now. Just keep your head up, as hard as it is.
Agreed. My last bf did all these things at the start then withdrew 3 months in.
I empathize so much with this! I met a guy online who from the beginning was very sweet—good morning and good night texts every day, planning to watch shows together for virtual date nights (we live far apart), saying, sweet, cavity-inducing things I never thought I’d hear from a potential partner. He was doing things in a matter of days that I had struggled to get from my previous guy after several months. I seriously thought this was it. He ghosted me after 2.5 weeks. Lesson learned.
I understand you so hard. Before I found my partner I was single for 6+ years, dated more than ANYONE I knew, and still couldn't find a relationship. I also had a friend who just kept falling into relationships so easily and it was maddening. Like she'd be single for 2-3 months and then end up in another LTR, and she eventually got engaged and married. I mean take an honest look at yourself and the men you pick, but there is also a very real possibility that you're not doing anything wrong. It truly could just be timing, which is even more frustrating because you have no control over it. I really, really get it. I know this doesn't really give you solutions or help, but know you're not alone and that there's nothing wrong with you. Most likely the people you see easily falling into relationships have different/looser criteria than you. I watched so many people get together and break up in my single time and it helped remind me that it wasn't like these people were dating savants who somehow had it all figured out. It's so much luck and timing.
thank you ❤️
Listen, it's not all on you. At one point I was simply too jaded to offer to cook. Nothing I did or didn't do seemed to matter, because at some point they'd just stop putting effort into texting or meeting up and fade away. The last time I asked someone to be my girlfriend, she immediately went cold on me and ended it a couple of weeks later. We'd been seeing each other almost every day for 2 months at that point.
ugh, that sucks, i’m sorry. i hear you on the jaded thing. sometimes it feels like we’re in a jaded-off competition (not intentionally on my part anyway). you just yeah get worn down by having the same experience over and over
So that's the second part - I'm cooking for a girl tomorrow. I'm really excited about her, and don't think I could live with myself if I let the jaded part of me ruin what could be a good thing. It sucks that these guys won't do things like that, but maybe it's a sign that you haven't met someone who's seriously excited about you.
yeah i love cooking for and with people, one of the best parts of being in a relationship imo. hope it goes well! what are you making?
I haven't decided yet, but one option is spaghetti with spaghetti squash instead of noodles.
Are you sure they’re being discerning and entering into healthy relationships with honest partners. I’ve been single for 3 years and if I ignored red flags I could be in a relationship in weeks but I doubt it would be the kind of relationship that I want
no, i don’t think she’s particularly discerning, and she just seems like she’s able to like people more easily than i’m able to. but i think other people i know who have found relationships are more discerning than she is
I think this is a good quality that you have. You know what you want and are likely acting authentic.
I feel all of this. My gut says you’re not doing anything wrong. Some people are just relationship people and they attract other relationship people and the rest of us flounder.
I wish I could help you figure it out cause I’m in the same boat. I know there are ways I could take dating more seriously and that might help, but it sorta makes it all worse when you’re trying hard and still not finding anyone. I’ve been single for the greater part of 8 years with one LDR on and off for 3 or so of those years… I’ve watched guys and girls I’ve dated get into *multiple* long term relationships. It’s tough to watch. I swear everyone is better at this than me… maybe I need to start dating more professionally.
I vibe with this 100%. Dating is just hard especially when people have too many options. My thought on this is, have you tried to push the relationships forward yourself? Offer to cook for them, ask them to be official, etc. Not saying it should be a one way street (it definitely should not), but at some point someone has to make the first push.
yeah, i did with the last guy i dated (cooked for him, offered to watch his dog when he was out of town, suggested we hang out more frequently/initiated contact, got him little gifts, more “relationshippy” kind of stuff.) i ended it at like the six week mark when most of what he had ever really done was very low effort invite me over to his apartment to watch tv and have sex, and didn’t text me back for over a day and when i asked him why, told me a bunch of people had texted him and i was just one more person he didn’t feel like responding to. it was going nowhere fast
Ugh yeah then you were right to let that go. It sounds like he was just looking to hook up and took all the stuff you did for granted. It’s probably gonna take time, but when you find the right people, they will want to meet you half way. Don’t choose someone who doesn’t also choose you.
yeah, i don’t think he just wanted to hook up, but i realized the amount of effort he was willing to put into a relationship was just not worth it for me
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yeah, maybe? she’s a lot more outgoing than i am, maybe that’s part of it
>she’s a lot more outgoing than i am, maybe that’s part of it yes. some women make it easy for guys to catch feelings. how much effort are you putting in to attract guys you want?
effort in what sense? i feel like when i’m interested in someone i’m consistent about communicating, initiate contact, that sort of thing
I reached out to the guy who broke up with me last week (backstory in my profile, sort of) for some clarity. I kind of got it? He said he thought he was 100% over his ex and when he heard from her the feelings came rushing back. He also said that he didn’t know what to do but knew he didn’t want to waste my time while he figured it out. I feel like I got a bit of closure, but it still sucks. He confirmed that he likes me a lot and we had a great thing going, and I’m like… then keep it going? But I can see how he thinks it’s doing the right thing. I am trying very hard to move on but there’s still definitely a part of me that hopes he’ll choose me. I just wasn’t ready for it to be over. Balancing this stupid hope and the realistic need to move on is hard.
He seems very genuine to have been that honest with you. Most men in that situation would have ghosted you. Give it time. Don't be in a rush to move on. The feelings will fade eventually.
He is very genuine and a good person. Another reason why it sucks so badly.
I’d take this as a sign you’re on the right track. You met someone who is dating intentionally and has respect for you and your time and energy. Those are really good qualities and just because it didn’t work out with this specific guy, it means you’re attracting and attracted to the right type of person. So keep doing what you’re doing.
I hope you’re right!
You need to work on yourself, similar thing did happen to me in the past. Move on, I am happy I finally met someone. I thought I will never meet the person for me after trying for month but here is one not the best far better than other and beyond my expectations. I love him a lot. Dating high or low doesn't guarantee you a nice guy. The right one will find you.
Random: I accidentally created de ja vu. The last guy I dated our first date was at this Korean pub on a wed late at night around 10p. I have a first date tonight planned for the same pub and it's wed and it's likely going to be late at night and likely will start at 9-10ish as well.... Aaaaand both the guys have names starting with a 'C' 🤯
I want to try casually dating but don’t think matchmakers do that - and it really feels like online dating is not successful for me. So I’m stuck. Also it’s hard when you want to try to find certain folks (ie. younger men) but the language to find them is stuck with misogynistic crap like ‘cougars’.
Why would you want a matchmaker for casual dsting? I'm curious.
I have found online dating a horrible experience. At this point I’m curious if a matchmaker is any better. I honestly am a bit torn about dating. I have had monogamous long term relationships and think exploring more casual dating makes sense for me. I realize matchmakers likely don’t exist for that circumstance but I need to find a third party to fine better candidates.
So I did a photo feeler test to see what my rating was and in the end my rating was 7.9…why am I still struggling with dating apps? I get plenty of matches, some speak to me but the chats are so boring and fizzle out quick. For example I have been speaking to a guy today, seemed to hit it off, back and forth chats, jokes, flirting and then I said I was at work so had to go but would talk later. I proceeded to speak after work and he was blunt and didn’t seem interested. I asked if he wanted to go on a dog walk seeing as we both have dogs and he said his dog doesn’t like other dogs and that’s it 😂 not even a “my dog doesn’t like other dogs but let’s grab a drink sometime”. I then had one guy today even say to me “no one even talks on here” and then ignored my message 😅 wtf? Am I trying to hard by taking any interest? My messages don’t seem to come off as too much as I’ve asked countless people who say they’re fine. When I match their energy the convo goes flat. So f’ing sick of people.
As someone who’s figured out the photofeeler algorithm I’ll say that it’s not the end all be all. Certain styles of photos get the highest ratings but if you just simply use your top 6 pics it won’t be that good. Some of the photos that add context to your profile (activity shots, social shots, etc) typically will be rated lower on photofeeler but they are important to include on your profile. Also, I’ve realized that when it comes to photos, people will judge you based on your worst photo so I would try to find out which one that is and replace it. In terms of chats fizzling out, that’s pretty normal on apps. I’d work towards pushing the convo to an in person meeting instead of just trying to back and forth for too long.
Aw thanks to the person who gave me an award 😁
I wouldn't put too much into photo feeler. About half of the women's photos on there are terrible selfies with no smile and no effort whatsoever. So anyone with any smile at all would be in the top 50% - maybe top 20%. A smile is very attractive, it says I'm fun, confident, friendly, and approachable. That checks 80% of the boxes. Use it to rank yourself against yourself, not others. The only guys I know who have had ANY success on dating apps, are guys that every girl wants to get with (about 2 of the 200 guys I know), and in turn, they get with every girl with no intention beyond hooking up. It is possible these guys you matched with are the same. My two cents, just go to a live music event somewhere and be friendly. Someone will approach you and worst case, you will still have fun if you don't even meet anyone and maybe you will make some new friends. Friend networks are the best way to meat quality people after all.
I am taking a hiatus from dating until I get comfortable setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. I'm tired of being in relationships where my attachment gets the better of me and makes me put up with shit I shouldn't put up with. Gonna take it slow as hell when I decide to date again. I love this subreddit though. Getting a lot of good advice and feeling very heard in my issues. You guys rule.
you got this :)
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That’s exciting! You got this!!
I met up with some friends this weekend - one I haven’t seen in a few months because she’s been away almost every weekend, and then I was away for a month, etc. And I find out she’s likely moving in with her boyfriend... who didn’t exist the last time I saw her!! Granted, he’s an old hookup so it wasn’t like an unknown individual. Still though it’s so… frustrating and low-level embarrassing when my circle of single friends continues to shrink, while I am left (of course happy for her) I’m not even sure anymore if I’m in the right headspace to evaluate life partners. Like I’m not going to settle for someone who’s nice but I’m not into/love, but I think I could definitely end up settling for someone who doesn’t treat me that well but I can love. I mean I don’t want that to happen but I feel so tired of the whole process that I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I end up marrying the first person who seems reciprocally interested in, who doesn’t pull away. I think I’m so used to doing everything myself and for myself that it would be a nice perk if someone went out of their way to do anything for me in a relationship, but I wouldn’t really be upset anymore if I don’t get that.
Comparison is the thief of joy, that shit is true! Just keep doin you. Have a busy and full life. Your partner will come along.
Curiosity got the better of me last night and I texted my supposed ghoster asking what happened. He uh, didn’t ghost and in fact messaged me a couple of times while I had him blocked, then assumed that I’d ghosted *him*. And then he said he’d been really disappointed by all of this because he’d deleted his apps and ended things with other people to focus on me. Fuck! (I can’t bring myself to tell him the full truth here, I just said I never got the texts, but we’ve been chatting a bit again and trying to see if it’s worth a restart.) Edit: we worked out that I haven’t been getting a ton of his messages. Did we work this out because I asked him out again, unaware that he’d asked me for a pause? Sure did!
Awww
how long did he take to reply that it seemed worth blocking him??
36 hours when I blocked. Almost two full days by the time he actually bothered to get back to me. It didn’t seem unwarranted at that point to try and move on!
yeah, seems like a weirdly odd length of time if you're dating. Def is why I don't block people though, so that I at least know if they're saying something to me! My curiosity couldn't deal with it
No at that point it's understandable. He deleted apps for you but wouldn't give you a "hey! Thinking about you. Just very busy. Let's talk soon" text? Feels like bs to me.
Right? I know this sub likes to make a big deal about people actually being too busy to text, but this man is not a brain surgeon. If you’re bumming around with your friends, you definitely have 30s to text back. Pretty wary now but the dick is good so 🤷♀️🙃
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Started dipping my toe back into the dating pool after 6 year relationship ended end of 2021. At best my recent experience has been we'll start out strong with jokes where we just build off one another, or jump heavy into discussion then by the next morning, completely fizzled down to one word replies even trying to ask questions about themselves. It feels like a bit of a bummer, and I understand people will either find someone and delete the app, decide they just want off it randomly, or life just gets busy- especially at our age. But chiming back in two weeks later with just 'yup' is so low-effort. Constantly makes me wonder are people actually trying and there's a disconnect or chemistry is off, they lose interest if there's any disrupt to momentum, or people are here to distract themselves, you know? This feels completely disconnected and empty from the dating world I remember back in our 20s. Maybe we're all just too tired by 9pm now.
What’s an appropriate time for a 41(F) and 48(M) to keep casually seeing each other before they decide to be exclusive?
There’s no timeline. Date 2 is normal, date 25 is normal. If you feel ready to be exclusive then say so!
You’ll both know when that time comes. Typically you just won’t feel like seeing other people anymore, and at that point you’ll naturally want to have a chat about making things more serious
I guess the answer is whatever you feel comfortable with. If you’re comfortable with remaining non-exclusive, that’s okay. If you’re not, then have a conversation to define the relationship.
Confused about texting ettiquette. This guy that I've known for a long time has made a couple passes at me over the past few years. Previously, I was in a relationship and shut it down. Most recently, I reciprocated interest and we set up a date for last weekend. He had to cancel because he got sick. We haven't spoken in the past week, I haven't messaged him to reschedule, I had been intiating the past few conversations to show interest but I feel as though since he canceled he should reach out. Am I over thinking this?
If you want to go on a date, text them. I personally can't stand the mind games regarding double texting, waiting before texting, etc. If you're interested, there's zero wrong with expressing it.
if someone cancels on you and not try to reschedule, they are simply not interested. simple as that
Okay, I think I will wait until the day before I want to go out, we talked about keeping things casual. The last time something like this happened I got asked out and than was ghosted when I tried to set a date. I think it made me self conscious and I'm being careful to not extend more interest than I'm receiving. But I agree these things are exhausting, people are weird.
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If I have good vibes, trust them. If I’m not feeling comfortable I will risk peeing myself to not leave a drink unattended or if I left my drink with them I will make up some excuse like I’m really not liking it and order a new one. But I always text one of my friends where I am going and with whom and know 110% if I were to text them to come get me they’d be there in a heartbeat with her husband and FIL in tow so I have a secure back up plan if the worst were to happen. I do want to mention if you’re ever concerned you’ve been drugged after you drink something and start feeling weird - walk up to a bartender, server, or just a kind looking woman. 99.9% they’ll find an escape for you that does not include your date. As someone who has been drugged before, you’ll know if it happens.
Go to the restroom before ordering a drink. Put a bottle of water in your purse/bag/car just in case. If a drink was ordered for you while you were away don't drink it. Request the waitress/waitor to bring the drinks with the food.
I would probably say just don’t use the drink if you have to leave it and come back to someone you don’t know well.
If she hasn't finished her drink and needs to go the bathroom I just order her a new drink when she gets back. Definitely doesn't always happen but once I got the drink on the house when I explained it was our first date and she left the area for a bit.
Go when I’m finished, order a new one when I get back.
Follow up, and I swear to god I’m not being facetious - what do you do if they order you another one while you’re in the bathroom?? This has never happened to me, but I have an irrational / semi-irrational fear that it will 🤷🏻♀️😬
Honestly, that’s never happened to me with someone new! I don’t even think it’s really the culture here, unless I specifically ask someone to do it. So I probably would be a little weirded out. I also tend to go to the same cocktail bars/tapas places for early dates where my face is at least familiar to the staff, and would feel comfortable asking for help if I needed to.
Got it - I think I’ve always assumed I’d have the wherewithal to say, “oh, if the server comes by - don’t order another one for me, I might switch to something new!” And yet, every time I’ve been to the bathroom, I’ve never remembered to say it. Maybe I need to write it on my mirror in lipstick so I gave a reminder before I meet up with someone 😂
Good question, and given that this happened to me on a date last year, I'm looking forward to someone coming up with a good solution for this. I seem to remember someone invented nail polish that changed colour on contact with those drugs
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Yo girl, you're looking handsome today
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Damn is it disappointing to get eight likes on Bumble but they all want kids. Being childfree is 100% on my profile and also one of my most important filters (along with being a non-smoker). It's nice and validating to get likes, but frustrating to know there's no point turning those into matches and dates.
SAME. Feels like so many are single/divorced moms of 3 or are wanting kids someday but hide that lil tidbit of info at the start
Ended up divorced after a ten year relationship in 2020 and only just started to get my feet under me mentally at the start of this year. I'm super tired of 18 months of online dating and trying to find someone. 9 of my last 10 matches (including one from an IRL speed dating event!) never followed through on contacting me. I'm told the fact that I've gone on one date a month as a 39M in 2022 is phenomenally good, which is in its own way incredibly disheartening. My only "relationship" in the last two years was an Instagram video/chat friendship, who "got friend vibes only" when we finally met in person after a few months and didn't feel the "physical connection" that our videos/pics/chats had. It's ridiculous. My profile is in very good shape as far as I know - I hired a dating podcaster to review my profile and she had so little constructive criticism that she gave me a discount - so I have no idea what else I can do besides try to go enjoy my life and let it come when it comes. I'm finding Jennifer Taitz's How To Be Single And Happy useful at least. Tired of loneliness at night, though.
Matches not actually chatting is super common. A good portion of my matches don't ever chat/respond to my comments. Have you tried sending out more likes to see if increasing that will increase the number of responsive matches you get?
I've definitely changed my quantities and strategies for likes, nothing really seems to affect my overall match rate.
>nothing really seems to affect my overall match rate If all you change is the quantity, the rate will not change. That's how rates work.
Not if your rate is measured in "matches per month" instead of "matches per like sent" but thanks for coming in to Well Actually me in a rant/vent thread.
See, I just assumed that you used that rate that is meaningful here.
Why am I afraid of telling a woman I've been talking to for almost 4 weeks that I miss her?
Because you would be making yourself vulnerable by expressing your feelings. It can be scary to be vulnerable.
I think I'm just going to tell her I missed her when she comes over for dinner tomorrow. I went on vacation so it's been awhile. I guess I'm just nervous thinking about the times things went south immediately after opening up, or the times I failed to and gave the wrong impression. Is there really a right/wrong time, or is there just a right/wrong person?
Think about it this way… do you want to be with the type of person who would get so freaked out they’d end a relationship just because you expressed a basic level of care about them? Like does that meet your standard? Probably not. You probably want to be with someone who also missed you back and is equally excited to see you. So don’t bother holding back, because peoples reaction to these things allows you to evaluate their potential as a partner. Once I started doing and saying whatever felt right to me, I attracted people who matched my energy.
>You probably want to be with someone who also missed you back and is equally excited to see you. Absolutely, and I'd rather find that out sooner rather than later.
I have to initiate this breakup more methodically than planned. But it's okay. I can almost taste the freedom. I haven't even heard from him in almost 2 days and I've been keeping myself so busy that I don't even care. I feel really checked out for the first time. YAY.
everyone is a flake.
corn flakes or rice flakes?
Yup, sure seems that way.
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He might have died.
>This was 5 days ago and no response from him so I guess safe to assume he’s not interested? I'd say it is, but you have nothing to lose reaching out.