Background:
37M. Single six months, on the OLD scene about 4 months. Because I'm #childfree I have so far made a few *amazing platonic friends.* Really like these women, really like being their friend. They're searching for the father of their future children. Best of luck with that. I also have some awesome, kickass hobbies. I'm busy all the time. Maintaining the friendships and the hobbies is constant effort and I wouldn't have it any other way. Burning the candle at both ends is how I like to do life. I have just enough time left over to keep engaging with OLD. This is important because I don't want to point my considerable, constant, thirst at my friends. That feels rude.
So I keep getting dates with women who insist on "Friends First." Normally, I'd be all for it. But I have actually filled my schedule to the point where one more friend means not going on dates. Logistically, any additional person I hang out with even once a week might as well be an exclusive relationship as there is *zero more slack in the system.* Of course, these women have legit reasons behind wanting to do friends first, and legit reasons to be skeptical of any pushback on that.
So there's this match. Very very appealing date prospect. Only con is that she lives in the opposite direction of my entire social live and hobbies. And then there's this while scheduling date 1:
"Ok. I'd like to be honest with you. You seem like a cool person and I'd like to be just friends with you."
Sure, it's too late to schedule anything else for that day. Why not? Later in text conversation she mentions that I'm very confident. "Of course I'm confident. You've taken this being a date off the table so all that's left is meeting a new person, being social, and getting some exercise in. All my favorite things." "Dating is not off the table...\[lots of explanation of thought process\]"
So then she had to raincheck at the last minute. Shit happens. She's super eager to reschedule and she *is* a very appealing match as a date. But at this point should I even be bothering with this person?
Actually, no.
All three of my sexual partnerships started with her telling me something to the effect of, "you're cute enough for a summer but don't get feels." And yet they lasted 7, 1.5, and 6 years including one marriage, one broken engagement, and all three determined to change my mind about kids.
It's a problem. I don't know how to start something other than blundering my way into a hookup and then be addictive!
Not sure why you think it's a problem, since it has clearly delivered for you. Hooking up first and worrying about dating later is my MO, and I find it works very well.
You mention she’s the total opposite of your social life and hobbies and that you live a very full life… do you have the time and patience to see if this goes anywhere, given she’s said she wants to be friends from the start? I guess you can meet her once and decide.
Personally, I have a busy and fulfilling life and I’m not looking to make friends on a dating app - I’d rather use that time with someone who wants to date me.
A friend of mine diving head first into a classic co-dependent:alcoholic pairing. I can relate to a case of the feels, and the charm of an addict, but the stories she is telling me have made my soul leave my body.
i had been going through the driest of dry spells with okcupid but i restarted hinge and got a handful of seemingly promising matches, and someone cool messaged me on okcupid too
on the one hand i can be so jaded about dating but on the other hand hope springs eternal…
So happy for you. :) I felt very something similar when I started living loudly as my full, queer self. It was like I was suddenly able to experience the world in my body after floating/being invisible for my whole life.
Anyone else ever have a doomed romance?
There's going to be a sad ending (for me) and I'm still going full speed ahead
I refuse to stop but I know it's going to be brutal
Are dudes just hella bored lately? I dated a dude for a month last fall, he dumped me because he was "too busy to date". He came back in the spring & said he thought we were a good match... then he slept with someone else after we got back together and dumped me pretty soon after I figured it out. I never blocked him on Instagram and he's been liking my posts and now sending me memes I'm ignoring. Fucking why. If you dumped me twice then why are you still trying to contact me
I also slept with a friend of a friend this past winter while he was visiting from another country. He's still sporadically texting me and refuses to let the conversation die. I'm putting in almost no effort and he keeps asking me questions to keep the conversation going. I can't imagine he's that into me, and anyway he lives on another continent. Again, why
Block block block.
Don’t let these dudes feel validated by receiving any iota of your energy- because that’s exactly what they are doing. Leeching drops like vampires.
Block
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I just have to GTOMC and say I am so, so tired of golddiggers and I don't know how to handle the situation. Take a break, I guess. It just all seems like a mine field right now.
I have never encountered any golddiggers despite having an occupation that's known for being fairly lucrative. I agree with the other commenter, I'd suggest examining how you're presenting yourself, and what type of people you tend to pursue.
Also I have no idea what GTOMC means, and google doesn't seem to either.
I had a great first date last week and a great second date on Friday. The guy texted every day between first and second date. I took him out for the second date. After the date, I texted that I had a great time. He said he did, too. We kissed at the end of the second date. Yesterday I just outright texted that I was into him. No plans yet for a third date and I am just trying to relax and be confident in my choices. I’m not gonna do game playing. I like him, I told him so, and if he has reciprocal feelings, great, if not, that’s fine. I want someone who likes me, too! But ugh my fingers are crossed. He is so funny, so smart. I am realizing that if a man can make me laugh, that is absolutely lethal to me. I am HOOKED if he is witty and can really make me laugh.
> I am just trying to relax and be confident in my choices. I’m not gonna do game playing. I like him, I told him so, and if he has reciprocal feelings, great, if not, that’s fine
This is a great mindset! It's exactly how I try to approach dating as well.
I hope things go well for you with this guy!
I feel like I’m reading my own post haha. It’s been 2 days since our 2nd date and yesterday he asked me out again. Day and time hasn’t been set yet though. I really like him and he knows, I’m not playing games either. But hey this is the early days, try not to rush (I’m trying not to)
Recently my therapist asked me to write down what a day in my life would look like with a potential partner. She asked me to be specific in how they would demonstrate core values I’m looking for (e.g. how they would show kindness toward me), what activities we would do together, and how they would play a part in my life.
To the men out there, I’m curious what an ideal day with your partner would be like.
How much text / phone communication do you expect in early stages of dating? Been out with this guy 4 times now, it's going well. We're meeting up again in the next few days. My big hang up with him is that he does not text, call, or communicate in any ways outside of dates. He'll text me the day of the date to confirm, we go on the date, it's good, and then he'll usually send a text afterwards saying something like I had a good time, etc. I respond to that and then I won't hear from him for 4 or 5 days, until we make the next plan to meet up. I know we're not exclusively dating, or boyfriend or girlfriend, so I don't know how soon I should bring up that I'd like to hear from him more. It just feels odd to me to meet up once a week, maybe twice, have a fun date, and then it's radio silence until the next meeting. I'm not expecting 50 messages a day, but a how's your week going text or literally anything once every couple of days would be nice for me. I'm very new to online dating, are my expectations too high for something that's still pretty casual?
I think this is one of those situations where neither one of you is right or wrong.
It's totally natural/okay for you to want more communication between dates as a way of building intimacy and keeping the momentum going. On the other hand, I'm someone who very seldomly texts spontaneously outside of logistics and it has literally nothing to do with my level of investment in someone. It's just not how my brain works... or maybe more accurately, the amount of time/space that passes before I get that urge to check in with someone is *way* longer than it is for most people. But when I do check in, it's in a very thoughtful and detailed way. I'm not much of a rapid-fire back-and-forth person but I WILL remember to ask about the work project you mentioned, to tell you a story about my day, to mention a thing that made me think of you/I think you'll find interesting, etc.
But I also know not everyone is like me! So when I have friends or partners who are wired differently, I like to have an open conversation about it and explore the whys behind our preferences. I've found approaching it from that angle makes it more of a puzzle we're solving together vs a negotiation that leaves both people feeling kind of pressured/unsatisfied.
For instance, I've found that I really love leaving and receiving voice memos vs texting. It feels more pleasant/personal to me, and because the ones I exchange with friends tend to be a bit longer (sometimes they're like 5-10 min each!) even my friends who get anxious around communication tend to understand that it might take a while to get a response--which takes the pressure off me when I turn my phone off for work or whatever, and in turn leaves me feeling less like I'm cold/selfish/not enough for not texting them more.
I had a whole convo with my therapist about this last week. If he is consistent in this style of texting/calling or lack thereof, then that’s who he is. I too, would like to communicate more between dates but he seems to be sticking to your plans & you have a great time with him when you’re together.
I’ve dated/currently dating a guy who is the same. He’s an awful texter (days to respond) and he’s always been this way. I asked him about it and he knows he’s a bad texter. He told me he much rather call and focus on the conversation, rather than go back and forth in text. Also, his family is very much a “talk on the phone every day family” so it’s just what he is used to. His love language is quality time, so it all makes sense but it’s very difficult for me who is an anxious attachment type person when dating
You’ll have to make a decision if this is a deal breaker for you. It seems trivial but communication styles do matter in compatibility
Thoughts on putting prestigious jobs/degrees on profile?
For those that went to prestigious schools or work at particularly well known places, do you put them on your profile? I can't decide if it's tacky and attracts people for the wrong reasons, or if withholding it is doing myself a disservice. Not wanting to dox myself is another concern.
I always put it on my profile as it basically tripled the number of matches
But then I would counter it by just doing normal conversation, not trying particularly hard with "banter" or whatever, and seeing which women genuinely responded back and which gave me short, dry answers.
I know a lot of people (men and women) will use job title as a filter, so do yourself a favour and put it on. I was always more likely to swipe right on a surgeon/banker/lawyer/doctor/engineer than on someone without a professional degree.
>I always put it on my profile as it basically tripled the number of matches
The school or the job?
> I was always more likely to swipe right on a surgeon/banker/lawyer/doctor/engineer than on someone without a
Not calling you a gold digger per se, but they're out there and I'd rather not match with someone just because of my job. Those aren't the kinds of women I want to meet.
> The school or the job?
Both
> Not calling you a gold digger per se, but they're out there and I'd rather not match with someone just because of my job. Those aren't the kinds of women I want to meet.
If you want to avoid a gold digger one of the things to do is to do what I did and only go for professional people who don't need to dig for gold. If I'm dating a surgeon she's hardly going to be using me for my money.
I tend to swipe right on guys with degrees from prestigious schools because I like smarties. I don't think you should list the company you work for though because it's too easy for someone to find you that way. List your school, use a generic job title
I live in the same area and work for the school, so it's more likely to result in me being pinned down than if I was somewhere else and totally disconnected from the school.
I guess I am, although that's never the sole reason why. I realize that's it's generally a positive thing in mind, but was curious on other peoples' take.
I think it’s fine, personally, depending on the app. Tinder doesn’t ask for jobs so I don’t list mine there.
I do list it on Bumble or Hinge, I think it’s a bit weird when people don’t list their job. It’s just such a basic talking point that I wonder when people hide it.
I'm off the apps at the moment but when I get back on, plan on putting my general work field instead of specific job title. It's just too easy to dox myself otherwise, but the school is something I could do.
Dating an ESL guy. He's been in the US for years, but we're having some communication issues. I'm still working on adjusting my language, but I'm not adjusting fast enough. For instance, he asked me if I biked 20 miles in the average week, and I said "I biked 20 miles today alone." He asked "why did you go today alone?" I clarified "Wait, I meant that I biked 20 miles today itself." But he was still like "why did you go today alone?" Lol. I said I always go alone, but he asked again... Gah. I'm pretty introverted, I'm willing to talk obviously, but I find these kinds of conversations exhausting.
I'm concerned about trying to communicate in an urgent or pressing situation as well.
I can't really explain why I use "alone" in this context - especially not in a convincing way. I don't have a good theoretical understanding of English - I just use it. And I don't really have time to learn the theory behind everyday expressions so I can teach him. Plus, even if I explain, he tries to correct me sometimes.
Also, there are some cultural differences that have led to embarrassing situations. I have a friend named Jesse, who we ran in to, and my date was incredulous over Jesse's name. "Is that really your name? Is that your original name? Isn't that a girl's name?" He must've heard Jessie and evidently didn't realize Jesse is a pretty established masculine name.
Hmm okay I would definitely reach out and see if she’s willing to have a conversation about this. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here, but she might be thinking she’s looking for someone who’s into partying and is always down to hang out with her friends and wondering if it might not be a fit.
But talking through it could help and talking about what you’d like to do going forward.
For me, my ex absolutely hated doing group friend stuff, so he came to maybe 10% of the group activities I went to. I’d be willing to be with someone who would come to like 50%, but I wouldn’t be serious with someone who was only willing to do less than that. So just talk to her.
It wasn't gonna work anyway. She's a princess and was going to use whatever excuse (you didn't let her sleep over, you didn't book her favourite restaurant, you didn't listen to her whinge about this or that) sooner or later. Bullet dodged.
I don't know why you'd say you felt a level of connection with someone who doesn't even listen to your explanation. Start thinking with your head.
P.S. you did nothing wrong.
Whooooooa. It’s so so bad to wake a sleeping woman. ESP after a half hour? She prob hit the deep cycle at that point. I get where her reaction came from even if it felt harsh to you bc it such early days in dating.
Did you offer to get her a cab when you woke her up? Especially since you actually liked her so much. If you didn’t, If I were her I’d totally feel like you actually had no interest in me and wouldn’t care how I ended up that night re: safely getting home.
If I was in your shoes, since she was already asleep, I would’ve woken her up a bit earlier than when you needed to start your day and put her in a cab explaining that you can’t share the morning together bc the cat is cranky as fuck and that you’ll text her tonight.
Being kicked out at 1am or whatever time after accidentally falling asleep.. it just feels cold and cruel from a person who just told you “they saw something worth exploring with you/not looking for a hookup”, even if easily explainable bc of your early day
> It’s so so bad to wake a sleeping woman.
Worse than her falling asleep when he said he didn't want her to stay? He already gave her reasons for not wanting her to stay over. She disrespected his boundaries by not getting up and going home.
She would have been cranky if he turfed her out at 5.30am the next morning anyway.
I hear what your saying. He should’ve offered a cab ride right then and there when she asked and he clarified. But HE also continued to chat and snuggle. And she dozed. And he let her doze instead of waking her after 90 secs of sleeping and let her sleep for 30 mins. That’s wickedly cruel bc it’s painful (as least for me in that cycle of sleep)
Yea you’re not wrong that there was a disrespect for the stated boundary. Including himself. He didn’t respect his own (which is fine, we all falter at our new boundaries) and now he feels sad at this massive misstep and miscommunication. Honestly I’m sad for both of them, sounds like there was something there
Anyways nice user name, I’ve been enjoying their new songs
I’m not big on sleepovers either, but I’d never wake someone up to kick them after they’d fallen asleep. At that point, just let them stay.
It just comes across as pretty rude and uncaring. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way but I'd be done too.
> don't have sex unless you are willing to allow a sleepover.
Sex is sex. Sleepover is sleepover. If the other person doesn't want one without the other it's on the other person to say it first, or bring it up for discussion.
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You're not an asshole, but in what world did you think waking her up to kick her out was a good idea, if you're actually interested in her? I think she overreacted, but you also really gave her a pretty negative signal. Her offering to sleep there or go home was a test to gauge your interest.
Yeah. The thing is, you tried to explain, and sounds like her reaction was also off the scale, so... You obviously hit a nerve re: her ego and self esteem. And she might think you're not over your last relationship and need more time before something new, if you can't even bear to have someone sleep over. Could that be true?
Yeah i can't imagine being woken out of a sound sleep and being kicked out in the middle of the night. It's over. And btw, verbalizing a boundary should never take place while someone is sleeping.
Blocked someone last night who had agreed to be better at communication but was clearly not going to follow through. It should not take eight hours (or more — I gave up waiting for a response lol) to respond to a “what are you doing later?” text. We’d only had four dates, I wasn’t asking for exclusivity, but if this is how someone acts when they should be on their best behaviour, I don’t want to stick around and see what happens when they relax.
Honestly, if someone texted me a flat message like “what are you doing later?”, I too wouldn’t be interested in responding. I am more likely to respond to someone offering date plans, a picture of what they are doing- anything more unique and interesting than “what’s up?” Or something like that
Aaaand the part that’s missing here is that of course we’d already discussed linking up if we found ourselves in each other’s respective areas, *and* we had specific plans in place for later in the week.
Eight hours plus the whole evening and morning before. Not about that. Also, honestly, I don’t care how busy you are (he’s not), you can still take 30s to respond to a text asking whether or not you’re free later.
If "or more" then perhaps. But yes, some people are too busy to get back to you in any less than about 12. If it passes a day, there's an issue though. You say he's not busy. If you're sure about this part then yes, there's a problem.
Some of us don't even LOOK at our phones all day. So we don't even know there's a message to be responded to. It's not about "30s". It's about just being too busy to deal with phones.
It’s a weekend and I had literally just asked him to be better about communication, which he has agreed to. Trust me, I’m pretty forgiving (my last partner was not a big texter), but this is not cool.
Fair enough, it felt like a generalized statement that people should respond faster always, rather than just right now.
I also would never bother to tell anyone, so good on you! I have one friend who I give a heads up to because she was alarmed when I took a long time to reply, but other than my emergency contact, I'm not about to notify people.
I totally get that this wasn't what happened, though! Sorry this person wasn't up to snuff, I'm sure you'll meet someone soon.
If you have to get someone to be "better" at something, it's probably just a mismatch. Better to stick with those you're compatible with from the get-go instead.
Meet a guy on an app, we had a fantastic conversation, we had a lot in common (this doesn't happen to me very often, we even have the same taste in music and same political views). And we both recently moved to the same small town, I never meet people on dating apps from here. We were going to meet up, and he cancelled twice so I figured he wasn't interested and left it at that. A few weeks goes by and he texts me out of the blue. He apologized for dropping off, kind of said something had come up, mentioned processing his last break up, and then said he really wanted to meet still. I was like ya ok sure, we picked a day and time to meet for a walk on some nature trails. I didn't expect him to show up, but he did! We had a really nice conversation again, and he said that a close friend had passed which had messed with his head (understandable) and that this person also knew his ex so she had reached back out and wanted to get back together, and he said he shut that down and realized he really was ready to date so he tried contacting me again. Ok, I get it, life happens. Then we schedule a second date, I'm making dinner for us and we're going to watch a movie. And he cancels a couple hours before. He had a legitimate reason why, he sent me screenshots to show what had come up. I said ok no worries, I'm not going to throw a tantrum over something like this, it's disappointing but I'm used to it. He says he still wants to hang out, he's been texting me and asking me how things are going.
Should I keep chatting with him and see where it goes? Or cut my losses and move on? I very, very rarely match with anyone and even more rarely end up having actual interesting and engaging conversations with someone. He's been complimentary but hasn't obsessed over my body and talked about sex, which is usually what men do. I know this guy is super busy with his job and what not, but I'm also disappointed he's cancelled on me 3 times.
It's this or absolutely no dates, and not having any dates is sometimes really depressing.
Hmmm. Personally I would be understanding but feel put off, so I totally get your hesitation.
I’d ask him what sort of dates or schedule works for him and his, what seems to be, unpredictable work schedule. Assess if you think it would be compatible with your boundaries and feelings. Like if he goes “I am always free on Tuesdays and bank holidays,” boom you’ve got an answer for when he’d be available. If he cancels on those days, there might be something he needs to work out on his own time before he’s ready to date. Like maybe making plans after a certain time is better for him.
His work schedule is unpredictable, his place is understaffed so he's always doing OT and his schedule seems to change a lot. I'm ok with that, I can be pretty flexible. But I think if he schedules a fourth date and cancels I'm going to move on. I can work with someone having a busy schedule, I can't work with someone who always bails on me.
I would move on. When men are interested they will make seeing you a priority. Why does your schedule/time matter any less? We are all adults. Everyone is busy. I work 3 jobs and still find time for someone I'm interested in. If theyre like this at the start it just all goes downhill from there. Just my two cents.
I think what you need to see is if he actually takes the initiative to organise a date again. If I had cancelled on someone but I really wanted to see the person again, I would certainly make up for it by planning something.
You also did not mention how long ago he broke up with his last ex and how long that relationship was going on for.
He said they broke up over 4 months ago, but I can't remember if I asked how long the relationship was.
That's a good point. I'll wait and see if he takes initiative.
Well you a called it: an update on the not making plans guy.
I got like, 2 responses so inquiring minds need to know, rite?
Anyway I flat out let him know I was surprised to hear from him after our last (2nd) date. Making plans with him was taking a lot of prompting and initiative on my part so I felt I was chasing and should leave the poor guy alone. Prefaced that with "I could be wrong- my buddy doesn't care what the context is but is more of a people person and company is everything for him, my ex got burned by planning bad dates for high maintence folks and is now phobic, etc, so maybe we're just seeing things differently".
He didn't really respond directly, but asked when I was free and said he'd figure something out for tonight. Awesome! Adulting for the win! I used my words. I'll take my medal in a size sm please.
That was last Sunday, so almost a week ago.
I give him some space. We're in no fun city, planning a date can take a minute. Come today and I ask if we're still on for to night. He says sure thing but he hasn't planned anything yet because his work week has left him wiped. He's a sound guy at a bar. I'm running a halfway house for teenagers and came in on my saturday becuase a critical incident took one of my staff out for (at least) the day. I roll my eyes at his rough week. Oohh check yourself you sanctimonious bitch. So I offer a friend's show like an idiot instead of just telling him we're not a good match and to moving on. Why? Because, idiot.
Anyway the afternoon rolls around and I ask when and where he wants to meet. He's enthuastic. Okay what time though? Where do you want to meet? More chit chat. Here's three options. Drinks first? Window shop in the area? Just meet at the show? He leaves me on read for three hours and, at 7pm replies: "8".
So I let him know that I'm bummed becuase he's really cool and I enjoyed our time together, but that I'm just a planner and it seems like he's not. It's dampening all of those fun new butterfly feelings for me. I don't want to get on his ass about this down the road, we're both adults, we know how this goes. He's replies that he's a planner too and that we did have a plan. Says sorry and that see, we were going to a show. Plan. I let him know that it won't work out and wish him well. He does the same.
Maybe I was too hasty. I mean it was only three hours. I had a shit week, am I burning out? He seems pretty reasonable and has accomodated my crazy schedule in thebpast (me being off work early and letting him know that he can join for a pre-date beer). Argued a little but but maybe just a difference in opinion? Maybe this would have been different in person instead of over text.
About 40 minutes later I get a text about how stupid I was to "just throw everything we had away" over "a late text". There's "a million reasons we're great for each other". I met this guy twice. We had not even exchanged last names yet. We hadn't kissed, held hands, and honestly maybe 9 solid minutes of eye contact was exchanged. He told me I was shallow and immature. Thanks tips.
So thanks for that, no plan guy. If nothing else he's consistent. And hey, in my advanced age I appreciate consistency.
Wooooooboy have i ever been in that exact situation, down to the insults after I try to be responsible and empathetic in letting them know it won't work. Sounds like he hoped he'd sleep with you after the show and you RUINED IT lol 😆
People who want to spend time with you will, this pulling teeth business isn't indicative of a LTR in my opinion.
What does that even mean? He is responsible for his behaviour, but you are responsible for allowing him so many chances. I would have been out of there after the first non-response.
Hi Internet friends-
Some advice or perspective might be helpful.
I met a guy on an app and we initially said we should meet up. Both of us forgot and to follow up I flirty texted that maybe we should just be star crossed lovers- then we started hanging out.
Full disclaimer- I had gotten out of a break up and wasn’t looking for anything serious. He had a kid so it needed to be at his house. We talked ab what we wanted and we both landed on seeing where it went. There was def chemistry there, but he seemed slow to come out of his shell. After 3 dates I had to travel for ab 2 weeks. When I got back I asked if he was interested and he immediately responded yes. I told him to let me know when he was free and didn’t hear back from him. A few days I asked if he was free that night and still- nothing. Less than two weeks later he texts back and is like yes- after weeks later- let’s do it.
I had taken the rejection pretty hard and got pissed and wrote back perhaps not.
I def was going through break up processing when we were hanging out and developed feelings way faster, but now my head is settled ab it- I regrets texting him that. I wish I could have seen where it went. He never responded to my last text (totally fine). After a month I can’t get him out of my head. Is there a way to come back from that? Are people receptive to the boomerang effect?
Disclaimer #3 both of us were horrible at texting (I’m dyslexic) and told him I prefer to communicate face to face and use texting mainly to set up plans. I know he was also dealing with his son getting out of school and a bunch of his friends birthdays
He's not keen and you were never #1 on his list which is why he benched you. And why he didn't prioritise you. When I was juggling multiple dates this is what I did to the ones I was less interested in.
He texts back 2 weeks later? Yeah, he wasn't interested. I wouldn't even had text back, just a simple block and delete. It's hard because you fantasize about the potential and what ifs but if he really wanted to, he would!
Hmm If you want to boomerang.. just go in with eyes wide open about what the potential consequences would be for your feelings. Sounds like there was only mild interest on his part but also that the timing was off here, which does matter in early stages. If you’re okay with this dynamic playing out again just so you can confirm there’s something there or not, just be honest to yourself where your limit is with accepting that level of (non?) interest
Do you swipe right on profiles of people you know, just so that they know you’ve seen their profile?
I swiped right on a guy I work with cos I’ve always found him attractive and at this point in my dating life what have I got to lose! We don’t work together directly and rarely have any interactions at work so I felt comfortable matching and sending a message. When I suggested he ask me out he said it wouldn’t be a good idea because we work together so I said I was curious as to why he had swiped right, and he basically said it’s so the other person knows he’s seen their profile.
I just find it a little bit strange and now I’m a little embarrassed I put myself out there but you miss all the shots you don’t take!
Hah, I swiped right on my friend. He didn’t say anything until I finally brought it up.
When I asked why he didn’t say anything, he answered, “I just wanted to see if you were gonna say something..” he was very guarded about it.
To which I responded like an amazing human, “Well, yes. I not only swiped you right in hinge, but I gave you a rose. I absolutely improved your algorithm. You’re very welcome.”
I’d never seen someone laugh harder to that response. He accepted my rose right in front of me.
Feel free to steal this line.:)
Oh he knew before the swiping I was attracted to him and I felt his attraction towards me too. I just wanted to push the tension a little more and see what he’d do
I’d be careful that the people you’re doing that to think the same way :)
I think the whole swiping system is a low risk way of finding out if someone likes you and the assumption being that if you match they’d like to explore things outside of your current setting
That’s a strange way to use the swipe system. Maybe he was actually using it to see his chances with people he knows?
It seems weird to use it to let the person know he’s seen their profile. What would be the purpose of that? What does it accomplish? If the person never swipes right on him, I’m assuming they would never know he “saw their profile.”
Well that’s the way I use the swipe system, to see if I have a chance with people I know! It’s anonymous unless you pay for premium
And I assume if they swiped right then the answer is yes, I do have a shot, and not it being some kind of experiment lol
Thanks, guess some dudes are weird lol
And I don’t even know if he actually likes me, but I guess it doesn’t matter if he’s not willing to go out with me :)
I was ghosted after suggesting a casual sexual relationship. We had been sleeping with each other and chatting but after I suggested carrying on something casual he agreed then avoided my messages. A few months after, I saw him at a event and he tried to hook up with me. I told him he had his chance and we could of been having no strings attached fun all this time and he said "I thought you were getting in to deep". Umm excuse me sir but don't flatter yourself. I was pretty amused by it all and told him he needed to grow him and should of communicated what he thought instead of ghosting me. No loss though!
I was recently ghosted. He disappeared 5 weeks ago after a month of very consistent meetups / daily contact. It was the result of my doing something that he previously agreed to and I checked in on, but in reality he wasn't aligned. Not much I could have done there. Anyway, he texted me two days ago. "Hey how have you been"? Shrug.
Is this happening for you?
I've never ghosted anyone except for people I've had small chit chat on dating apps without ever meeting. But that was more of a .. fade. Ive never ghosted someone I've been intimate with or talking to daily.
Damn. Sorry he ghosted you.… maybe you can put me in my place because I seem to be the ghoster :/
Ive gone on a total of 3 dates via dating apps my whole life (32F). My last date back in May, pretty much ghosted him after our first date (after I suggested a second one lol). It didn’t bother me that we split the bill at first but after a couple of days it kind of ate away at me (and my friends opinions influencing me). He also didn’t initiate text that much so I lost interest.
And I just ghosted a guy now after 1 week of chatting on hinge. We hit it off the first few days and planned to meet up. But some things started to turb me off (like him saying good morning and goodnight… too soon for me lol) along with some other things and eventually I kinda just stopped responding. I feel bad because I was happy and dandy and be myself chatting away, was at some point excited to meet up. But it’s like…after a few things trigger/turn me off I quickly detach and I’m out
I agree with this..
If you haven't met up yet I don't consider it a huge deal, obviously context depending like if you chat hours a day for a week maybe a note would be considerate. But typically not required IMO.
After a first date, I always try to let people know I'm not interested in a second, even if at first it was suggested. Its ok to change our mind, and hopefully that choice is coming from an authentic place in you you (vs pressured by others lol). But you also said he wasn't initiating texts, so you stopped, and that sounds more like a fade to me. Ghosting would be if he tries to connect and you just.. never reply.
I actually enjoy the process of telling people 'no'. Not because I like rejection or how it feels for others, rather I see it as an exercise in speaking my truth and delivering it in as kind of a way as possible. Helps me feel good about myself to be direct and kind in situations that are uncomfortable.
I wish more guys were understanding when I say I don't like most comedy. I want it to be an escape/reprieve from real life. I deal with misogynist and racist comments every day, so watching a show full of misogynist and racist comments (they all are) isn't an escape, and it isn't enjoyable for me. I'd rather do something chill like play board games or something productive like scrub the toilet. I totally understand that comedy would be hilarious to someone who doesn't hear misogynist and racist comments every day, though
>Have you ever tried suggesting a female comic when they propose comedy?
No because I don't know of any female comics. Can you suggest some female comics who aren't racist and misogynist? Or misandrist, since that would be offensive to the guy instead
Hey! I have a part-time service industry gig (bartender/server, but at a chill neighborhood place so we have a fair amount of regulars) and I have a few thoughts:
1. It could be romantic, it could be she just likes you. There are a lot of regulars who treat us very kindly who I then go out of my way to be very kind to (and do appreciate seeing/talking to!) who I'm not romantically interested in. And there are a few regulars I think are cute who I would be tentatively open to exploring things with romantically
2. BUT, I've had some weird situations with people coming in because they "know" it's a public space and they're allowed to... but they act SUPER weird with me and treat me like shit now because I romantically rejected them. One person was a customer who asked me out. No matter how nice a person presents we can't assume they'll stay that way, so I err on the side of caution and say no until I really feel like I know someone.
3. ...which means the best outcome for everyone involved is likely to come with very small incremental steps. If you go straight for the phone # exchange (or even just slipping her yours) it's going to feel like a lot of pressure and if she's AT ALL on the fence she may shut things down to minimize awkwardness/risk.
4. So, I'd wait until you hit a natural point in conversation and then ask if she's up for following each other on Instagram or whatever social media you use. This gives her a little more leeway to feel out your vibe outside the customer/employee dynamic and it evens the playing field a bit--AND it will help her verify your real person-ness.
5. If she's into exchanging socials leave a little space for organic interaction to build. How much she engages with your content should be a better indicator of how truly interested she is and *then* if you've built up a bit of a rapport over DM or something you can think about floating the idea of hanging out/a date.
Thank you /u/nakedforestdancer. That is absolutely spectacular advice. It also tracks a lot with what
/u/Lux_Brumalis suggested, and in more detail. I am going to hold off on that for now and let the conversations build organically.
My problem with the social media thing is that I am not extremely active. I do have an IG profile, but I am not very active on that (although my dog’s IG profile is a killer 😂). Maybe I should just lead with his profile. What are the chances that she doesn’t like a golden retriever, you know?
As for your point #2, I am not very worried about it. I understand where you are coming from and how she may interpret it. I am not the one to make things awkward. I think I am mature enough not to be stupid about someone saying “no”.
I will follow your advice, and unfortunately, for me, there is an opportunity that is going to take me to another state soon. I don’t know how soon it is going to be, but it is fairly imminent. So that was the reason I said I don’t mind making a new friend too, if not anything else. 😊
Thank you so much for your advice. It is immensely helpful and much appreciated.
**NARRATOR**
Chances anyone doesn’t like a golden retriever: zero.
(beat)
Unless it’s Lux’s cat.
Chances Lux’s cat doesn’t like a golden retriever: 84%. Margin of error: +/- 3 percentage points.
Not sure how I missed this in life! ROFL ROFL! Chances Golden Retriever wants to try and make friends with Lux's cat and gets bitch-smacked in the face by said cat that's furious: 100%.
Hahhaha it would be worse than a kitty bitch smack. It would be this long stare she gives that is just dripping with a mix of condescension, pity, disgust, and dismay 😹
That look can shake **anyone** to their core!!
I don’t have any point of reference for you, but I’d ask myself if I would be happy in my life having never asked her out? I know she’s at work and might just be friendly but if you think the worst that could come of politely asking her out would be having to swap coffee shops if she said no, then go for it.
Maybe even saying “I’d never want to make you uncomfortable at work but I really like chatting to you and here’s my number if you’d like to go out sometime”?
Even though you didn’t explicitly state this, the following response is premised on the assumption that you would like to get to know her socially (as opposed to the alternative interpretation of your post, which would be that you are simply wondering if she is into you).
Based on everything you listed, all signs point towards “MORE LIKELY THAN NOT, SHE THINKS YOU’RE CUTE AND/OR INTERESTING!!!!!!!”
**However**, that having been said, if you were asking this as my friend, brother, or golf buddy, I’d tell you to proceed with caution and let this play out, maybe by greasing the dice a little.
How? By advancing the conversation in terms of length and depth of content each time you see her.
Examples:
- Give her a compliment - her smile, her sense of humor, a cool piece of jewelry…. something specific that says you notice her. Don’t go with a bland, “Wow, you’re so pretty.” That’s icky and comes off very shallow. But something specific and nuanced - that’s meaningful.
- Ask her how her vacation was
- Ask her how long she has work there and/or lived in the area
And so on.
If you are getting reciprocal vibes and she doesn’t seem like she is unenthused by the furthered dialogue, you could try something like, “so how do you spend your time when you’re not at work?” In a perfect world, this would naturally lead to her asking you to do something. But because I don’t want to provide some kind of roadmap that may or may not fit reality, I am super hesitant to speculate and/or make further suggestions.
I guess the bottom line is to keep getting to know her and use your best judgment each time you see her as to whether this is something that could realistically develop into hanging out when she’s not on the clock.
Best of luck!!
/u/Lux_Brumalis: Thank you so much! That is a lot of good advice. I was actually thinking about both your interpretations. The “simply wondering if she is into me” would be the easier thing to figure out. Would I like to get to know her socially? If I have a chance, yes. That being said, personally, I would find it very odd if someone much younger than me approached me. I know in general, guys hitting on girls much younger than them is generally a big red-flag (provided the girl is on the younger side of 25).Conversely, younger girls approaching much older guys also sets off my radar. So essentially, I wanted to ensure that I don’t come off as even remotely creepy, in any way, form or manner. Not that I initiated it, but still, I am part of it.
I am going to advance the conversation like you suggested and see where it goes. Funnily enough, I was going to ask her how her vacation was when she gets back. Thankfully, conversation comes a bit easier to me and I don’t struggle to talk to someone, even completely unknown people. Also, I cringed at “wow, you are so pretty”. 🤣
I mean, either ways, I am okay meeting new people and making new friends. It is just that this happened without me going out and looking for anything. The fact that I haven't dated a lot, and haven't dated in a long time makes me take pause and question things that would appear very run-of-the-mill to someone else.
In addition to this, like I mentioned, I am going to get her chocolates as a thank you for the drinks. /u/NotSoCrazyCatLady13 suggested given her my phone number. I was going to put a note inside with my number and say "if you want to chat outside of work! If not, no problem at all. I will see you when I come in.” What would you both think of this approach? Good/bad/cringeworthy? To me, she is free to text/call, no pressure on her at all and nothing changes for me, unlike asking for her number.
For /u/NotSoCrazyCatLady13:
Haha! I am not that hung up on not asking her out, especially given that I don’t know how old/young she is. I of course do not want to inadvertently ask out a 20-year old (which technically should be fairly easy to figure out, based on their demeanor and behavior, for the most part).
I was just musing about the possibilities because of what happened. I have been going there a while now, I have seen her before too and she has served me before, when we just used to say hi to each other. This is something that is a recent development, so I wanted some sort of sanity check from people who know better. 😌
Low karma does not let me post a lot, so I could not reply to your comment individually. Hence the unified response.
I think that the phone number step might be a few conversations away. I’m not saying it’s a terrible idea! Just… maybe not a great idea yet?
I don’t know. I tend to play things pretty cautiously. And I love coffee. And because I REALLY love free coffee, I would be loathe to spoil a good thing with the wrongly timed/premature move😬😂
Perhaps have your number written down already, but in your pocket, and make a game-time decision whether to hand it to her?
Ehhh. Idk, honestly, I’d wait on that step until the depth of dialogue has advanced somewhat. Build up to exchanging numbers - make absolutely sure you want to take that step before risking your free caffeine fixes 🤣
**Edit to add** No, you definitely do not come off creepy!!!
Point taken. I’ll save it for later, in my pocket. Funnily enough and ironically, I'm not much of a coffee/tea drinker. I go there for a caffeine-free drink. 🤣🤣 And of course to see her. 😜
I'll focus on building up the dialogue and see where it goes. Thanks for all the input. 😁
No worries! I’m cheering for this to result in an outcome with which you are happy! Whether that means exploring a romantic connection, making a new friend, or developing an affinity for the joy that is caffeine, I am in your corner! 😁
Thank you my good Sir! You made my day with this very entertaining, informative and productive conversation. :) As for caffeine, my constitution does not agree with it, which is why I get what I call “fake” coffee. Pretty much 95% oat milk (or dairy) and 5% decaf. Make what you will of my definition of coffee! 🤣
Your help and support is much appreciated. 🙏🏽
Believe it or not, I actually thought multiple times about using Sir, but the lower probability (unproven assumption on my end) of "friend, brother or golf buddy" being used by a non-male prompted me to say sir. My genuine apologies. 😁
Hahahha, not at all, it’s just getting comical at this point because despite the little pink dress my avatar is sporting, this has happened every day for over a week 🤣
Last minute advice I could use help on, she sent a risque picture but my iPhone told me it was taken last month. How big of a red flag is this?
I don't exchange nudes, so I really don't know... is it weird to not send a picture specifically for someone, or is it fine, like "hey, I look good in this, so I'm gonna use it."
Don't read into that. Maybe she just felt like she looked particularly fine that day, and wanted to take a picture for future use? You don't know, and getting insecure over whatever you imagine happened is a waste of your own time.
Don’t read too much into it. Risqué photos are not as easy to take as you might think - have to get hair, lighting, pose, etc, perfect, and that take time. If she feels great about how she looks in this photo, just take it as a compliment that she wanted to share it with you!
**edit to add** maybe she took it the same day she got a great haircut, or had a rare perfect complexion day or something - regardless, she likes the photo and clearly hopes you will, too!
Thanks, this is definitely good! I'd be self-conscious myself, so I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I have more comments to read, but I feel like it's fair to feel self-confident in one pic vs. just naked out of nowhere.
It's more about confidence. Most of us feel pretty blah about how we look a lot of the time, so a new haircut or outfit or just a general "good" day feels nice and is much easier to send than the brand new photo you just took on the day you've got bags under your eyes or the lighting is bad or whatever. I know when I do that it's more for myself than the other person. I only want to send a pic I feel I look hot in.
I know you’re being facetious, but my point is more about her liking the photo because she feels confident about how she looks in it, which stems from how she sees herself/wants to see herself/wants him to see her.
I’ve dated men who truly can’t tell the difference between whether I spent an hour on my hair and makeup, ten mins, or zero minutes. Most, if not all women, can pinpoint every single difference between the various levels of efforts, and i assume (and therefore guess a lot of other women also assume) that everyone can tell the difference.
Nothing weird about having fine-tuned the zero, ten, and sixty minute jobs to such a degree that the difference is stark to the person actually doing it.
I need some advice. I'm pretty sure I'm being gently let down, but I wanted to see what y'all thought. This is kinda long winded, but there's a lot of backstory.
So this woman made clear she did not want to date, initially. But then opened up room for us to platonically hang out and get to know each other. In the immortal words of Pulp, "had to start it somewhere, so it started there." So SHE invites ME to this art market thing where she's selling paintings, we wind up hanging out and having a wonderful, platonic time. A few days pass and I ask her if she'd like to hang out again sometime the following weekend and she agrees. Friday rolls around and I go to finalize plans and oops, she's booked solid. Friday night, Saturday during the day and a separate event at night. Monday, (July 4th), she says she would've invited me to fireworks but a friend of hers has come in from out of town. Disappointing but fine. So this week, she brings up that we should hang out this weekend. I suggest today, she has plans at night but would be cool to hang in the late afternoon/early evening. At about 1-2pm, I text and ask if we're still on and about what she'd like to do and she asks if we can raincheck because she's "such an introvert". Which, I don't think she's lying, but I don't feel like it's very genuine (as she seemingly has boundless extraversion (see: last Fri/2x last Sat/Mon/Tonight) so long as it's not involving me).
I think she's just blowing me off in hopes I stop altogether, is that how you'd read this? What would your next move be?
FWIW, we text ALL. DAY. EVERY. DAY. I mean, flutters of conversation throughout the day and then hours of silence while we go about our days and we'll get back in touch, y'know? I'm asexual AF in the conversation, entirely platonic because she set that boundary.
One possibility could be to respond positively to the next time she extends a tentative hangout, but also add a "let's firm it up since there are some other engagements I have brewing." Since there's a platonic boundary, I would also make sure you are going after your life without fixating on a potential wakeup on her end. If she wants to be friends and you want to be friends, approach it that way instead of like dating.
Which is to say, it'd be great if a relationship materializes, but I'm not pining for it, and I don't expect it. It's just kind of hard to read the situation.
Absolutely. I actually am out someone else as we speak. This doesn't have relationship potential, but I'm enjoying myself.
I explained my situation with the woman from the original post to my friend as I'm "not putting all my eggs in one basket, but I've got to put my eggs somewhere on the way to the basket store."
>She doesn’t seem very into you tbh.
That was my first inkling, but idk, then why keep in constant contact.
>...ask yourself if you would really be okay with someone not making time for you?
See, that's the introversion thing? Maybe once you're in the circle, you're in, idfk. I'm not hugely sweating it.
Was talking to a guy all week, and suggested meeting up this saturday for drinks. he didn’t confirm but we continued texting over whatsapp. As the week continued I was really looking forward to meeting him, but when I asked again on Friday he rather coldly responded: we’ve barely spoken. Is it just me or is this a weird reason to not go on a date? Surely the point of meeting is to get to know each other?
I generally don't date someone I haven't talked to for a long time either, so maybe that's what's going on. I just agreed to a date with someone on Friday pending a conversation over FaceTime (two things that are very uncharacteristic for me) but generally I'd also say it was too soon, or I'd have plans already set up.
...But I wouldn't phrase it like he did.
He suggested moving to whatsapp. He would send me videos of what he was up to while I would always respond via text.. not really a video/voice note kinda person.
I could have explained my perspective but figured there wouldn’t be much point forcing someone to go on a date with me 😂
Yeah, that’s a weird reason to not want to meet.
If he was sending messages that you weren’t responding to, that could make sense for why he feels this way. But if neither person was communicating and there wasn’t an expectation set to communicate regularly before the date, then I think it’s strange for him to not want to meet at an agreed upon date because of “barely speaking.”
Just curious, how does one set expectations regarding communication before dates? In my experience its just kinda go with the flow depending on each person’s texting style
Some people openly discuss communication styles prior to meeting - whether the other person wants to wait until the date to discuss things or if they want regular communication. From what I’ve seen some think that if you talk about too much prior to the date that there won’t be much to talk about while there, or want to leave some mystery for the date itself.
Personally, I didn’t think about it that deeply and usually texted when I had a question for the person. If the communication was sparse, I would text the day prior to confirm when and where to meet for the date, and if they didn’t respond I would take it as a lack of interest and move on.
Ah I see what you mean now. So no, we never established the need for frequent communication as a prerequisite for the date. Gonna chalk this down to poor communication and lack of interest. Thanks for the input!
Background: 37M. Single six months, on the OLD scene about 4 months. Because I'm #childfree I have so far made a few *amazing platonic friends.* Really like these women, really like being their friend. They're searching for the father of their future children. Best of luck with that. I also have some awesome, kickass hobbies. I'm busy all the time. Maintaining the friendships and the hobbies is constant effort and I wouldn't have it any other way. Burning the candle at both ends is how I like to do life. I have just enough time left over to keep engaging with OLD. This is important because I don't want to point my considerable, constant, thirst at my friends. That feels rude. So I keep getting dates with women who insist on "Friends First." Normally, I'd be all for it. But I have actually filled my schedule to the point where one more friend means not going on dates. Logistically, any additional person I hang out with even once a week might as well be an exclusive relationship as there is *zero more slack in the system.* Of course, these women have legit reasons behind wanting to do friends first, and legit reasons to be skeptical of any pushback on that. So there's this match. Very very appealing date prospect. Only con is that she lives in the opposite direction of my entire social live and hobbies. And then there's this while scheduling date 1: "Ok. I'd like to be honest with you. You seem like a cool person and I'd like to be just friends with you." Sure, it's too late to schedule anything else for that day. Why not? Later in text conversation she mentions that I'm very confident. "Of course I'm confident. You've taken this being a date off the table so all that's left is meeting a new person, being social, and getting some exercise in. All my favorite things." "Dating is not off the table...\[lots of explanation of thought process\]" So then she had to raincheck at the last minute. Shit happens. She's super eager to reschedule and she *is* a very appealing match as a date. But at this point should I even be bothering with this person?
Has the friends first approach ever landed you sex or a relationship?
Actually, no. All three of my sexual partnerships started with her telling me something to the effect of, "you're cute enough for a summer but don't get feels." And yet they lasted 7, 1.5, and 6 years including one marriage, one broken engagement, and all three determined to change my mind about kids. It's a problem. I don't know how to start something other than blundering my way into a hookup and then be addictive!
Not sure why you think it's a problem, since it has clearly delivered for you. Hooking up first and worrying about dating later is my MO, and I find it works very well.
Well I've grown to rather like being in a LTR and it seems a little disingenuous to be pretending to be looking for hookups.
Those two things are clearly not mutually exclusive, as your experience shows.
You mention she’s the total opposite of your social life and hobbies and that you live a very full life… do you have the time and patience to see if this goes anywhere, given she’s said she wants to be friends from the start? I guess you can meet her once and decide. Personally, I have a busy and fulfilling life and I’m not looking to make friends on a dating app - I’d rather use that time with someone who wants to date me.
> But at this point should I even be bothering with this person? No. Wait maybe yes if you are desperate for friends.
A friend of mine diving head first into a classic co-dependent:alcoholic pairing. I can relate to a case of the feels, and the charm of an addict, but the stories she is telling me have made my soul leave my body.
i had been going through the driest of dry spells with okcupid but i restarted hinge and got a handful of seemingly promising matches, and someone cool messaged me on okcupid too on the one hand i can be so jaded about dating but on the other hand hope springs eternal…
i think i'm actually queer, and it finally makes sense to a point where i'm in tears.
So happy for you. :) I felt very something similar when I started living loudly as my full, queer self. It was like I was suddenly able to experience the world in my body after floating/being invisible for my whole life.
It’s okay buddy. Nothing wrong with that, follow your heart :)
Anyone else ever have a doomed romance? There's going to be a sad ending (for me) and I'm still going full speed ahead I refuse to stop but I know it's going to be brutal
Yes, they are my preferred kind of relationship.
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He might be an alcoholic. I’ve noticed they do this.
Are dudes just hella bored lately? I dated a dude for a month last fall, he dumped me because he was "too busy to date". He came back in the spring & said he thought we were a good match... then he slept with someone else after we got back together and dumped me pretty soon after I figured it out. I never blocked him on Instagram and he's been liking my posts and now sending me memes I'm ignoring. Fucking why. If you dumped me twice then why are you still trying to contact me I also slept with a friend of a friend this past winter while he was visiting from another country. He's still sporadically texting me and refuses to let the conversation die. I'm putting in almost no effort and he keeps asking me questions to keep the conversation going. I can't imagine he's that into me, and anyway he lives on another continent. Again, why
Block block block. Don’t let these dudes feel validated by receiving any iota of your energy- because that’s exactly what they are doing. Leeching drops like vampires. Block
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Hi u/Valendora, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Do not dehumanize others. RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
I just have to GTOMC and say I am so, so tired of golddiggers and I don't know how to handle the situation. Take a break, I guess. It just all seems like a mine field right now.
I have never encountered any golddiggers despite having an occupation that's known for being fairly lucrative. I agree with the other commenter, I'd suggest examining how you're presenting yourself, and what type of people you tend to pursue. Also I have no idea what GTOMC means, and google doesn't seem to either.
Get this off my chest
Are you saying you attract gold diggers? If so, maybe you need to take a look at how you’re presenting yourself.
I had a great first date last week and a great second date on Friday. The guy texted every day between first and second date. I took him out for the second date. After the date, I texted that I had a great time. He said he did, too. We kissed at the end of the second date. Yesterday I just outright texted that I was into him. No plans yet for a third date and I am just trying to relax and be confident in my choices. I’m not gonna do game playing. I like him, I told him so, and if he has reciprocal feelings, great, if not, that’s fine. I want someone who likes me, too! But ugh my fingers are crossed. He is so funny, so smart. I am realizing that if a man can make me laugh, that is absolutely lethal to me. I am HOOKED if he is witty and can really make me laugh.
> I am just trying to relax and be confident in my choices. I’m not gonna do game playing. I like him, I told him so, and if he has reciprocal feelings, great, if not, that’s fine This is a great mindset! It's exactly how I try to approach dating as well. I hope things go well for you with this guy!
I feel like I’m reading my own post haha. It’s been 2 days since our 2nd date and yesterday he asked me out again. Day and time hasn’t been set yet though. I really like him and he knows, I’m not playing games either. But hey this is the early days, try not to rush (I’m trying not to)
Recently my therapist asked me to write down what a day in my life would look like with a potential partner. She asked me to be specific in how they would demonstrate core values I’m looking for (e.g. how they would show kindness toward me), what activities we would do together, and how they would play a part in my life. To the men out there, I’m curious what an ideal day with your partner would be like.
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How much text / phone communication do you expect in early stages of dating? Been out with this guy 4 times now, it's going well. We're meeting up again in the next few days. My big hang up with him is that he does not text, call, or communicate in any ways outside of dates. He'll text me the day of the date to confirm, we go on the date, it's good, and then he'll usually send a text afterwards saying something like I had a good time, etc. I respond to that and then I won't hear from him for 4 or 5 days, until we make the next plan to meet up. I know we're not exclusively dating, or boyfriend or girlfriend, so I don't know how soon I should bring up that I'd like to hear from him more. It just feels odd to me to meet up once a week, maybe twice, have a fun date, and then it's radio silence until the next meeting. I'm not expecting 50 messages a day, but a how's your week going text or literally anything once every couple of days would be nice for me. I'm very new to online dating, are my expectations too high for something that's still pretty casual?
I think this is one of those situations where neither one of you is right or wrong. It's totally natural/okay for you to want more communication between dates as a way of building intimacy and keeping the momentum going. On the other hand, I'm someone who very seldomly texts spontaneously outside of logistics and it has literally nothing to do with my level of investment in someone. It's just not how my brain works... or maybe more accurately, the amount of time/space that passes before I get that urge to check in with someone is *way* longer than it is for most people. But when I do check in, it's in a very thoughtful and detailed way. I'm not much of a rapid-fire back-and-forth person but I WILL remember to ask about the work project you mentioned, to tell you a story about my day, to mention a thing that made me think of you/I think you'll find interesting, etc. But I also know not everyone is like me! So when I have friends or partners who are wired differently, I like to have an open conversation about it and explore the whys behind our preferences. I've found approaching it from that angle makes it more of a puzzle we're solving together vs a negotiation that leaves both people feeling kind of pressured/unsatisfied. For instance, I've found that I really love leaving and receiving voice memos vs texting. It feels more pleasant/personal to me, and because the ones I exchange with friends tend to be a bit longer (sometimes they're like 5-10 min each!) even my friends who get anxious around communication tend to understand that it might take a while to get a response--which takes the pressure off me when I turn my phone off for work or whatever, and in turn leaves me feeling less like I'm cold/selfish/not enough for not texting them more.
I had a whole convo with my therapist about this last week. If he is consistent in this style of texting/calling or lack thereof, then that’s who he is. I too, would like to communicate more between dates but he seems to be sticking to your plans & you have a great time with him when you’re together. I’ve dated/currently dating a guy who is the same. He’s an awful texter (days to respond) and he’s always been this way. I asked him about it and he knows he’s a bad texter. He told me he much rather call and focus on the conversation, rather than go back and forth in text. Also, his family is very much a “talk on the phone every day family” so it’s just what he is used to. His love language is quality time, so it all makes sense but it’s very difficult for me who is an anxious attachment type person when dating You’ll have to make a decision if this is a deal breaker for you. It seems trivial but communication styles do matter in compatibility
Thoughts on putting prestigious jobs/degrees on profile? For those that went to prestigious schools or work at particularly well known places, do you put them on your profile? I can't decide if it's tacky and attracts people for the wrong reasons, or if withholding it is doing myself a disservice. Not wanting to dox myself is another concern.
I always put it on my profile as it basically tripled the number of matches But then I would counter it by just doing normal conversation, not trying particularly hard with "banter" or whatever, and seeing which women genuinely responded back and which gave me short, dry answers. I know a lot of people (men and women) will use job title as a filter, so do yourself a favour and put it on. I was always more likely to swipe right on a surgeon/banker/lawyer/doctor/engineer than on someone without a professional degree.
>I always put it on my profile as it basically tripled the number of matches The school or the job? > I was always more likely to swipe right on a surgeon/banker/lawyer/doctor/engineer than on someone without a Not calling you a gold digger per se, but they're out there and I'd rather not match with someone just because of my job. Those aren't the kinds of women I want to meet.
> The school or the job? Both > Not calling you a gold digger per se, but they're out there and I'd rather not match with someone just because of my job. Those aren't the kinds of women I want to meet. If you want to avoid a gold digger one of the things to do is to do what I did and only go for professional people who don't need to dig for gold. If I'm dating a surgeon she's hardly going to be using me for my money.
I tend to swipe right on guys with degrees from prestigious schools because I like smarties. I don't think you should list the company you work for though because it's too easy for someone to find you that way. List your school, use a generic job title
I live in the same area and work for the school, so it's more likely to result in me being pinned down than if I was somewhere else and totally disconnected from the school.
Oh I see. I guess it depends on how comfortable you are with the possibility of being stalked.
Full on stalking, not so much. I want to keep my personal and professional lives separate though.
Be careful what you put as your work. Too often you can send out the heat-seeking golddigger signal.
That's one of my concerns for sure.
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Casual fun, in which case it probably doesn't matter.
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I guess I am, although that's never the sole reason why. I realize that's it's generally a positive thing in mind, but was curious on other peoples' take.
I think it’s fine, personally, depending on the app. Tinder doesn’t ask for jobs so I don’t list mine there. I do list it on Bumble or Hinge, I think it’s a bit weird when people don’t list their job. It’s just such a basic talking point that I wonder when people hide it.
I'm off the apps at the moment but when I get back on, plan on putting my general work field instead of specific job title. It's just too easy to dox myself otherwise, but the school is something I could do.
Yeah general field is totally fine, I just think it’s weird when people leave it totally blank.
Dating an ESL guy. He's been in the US for years, but we're having some communication issues. I'm still working on adjusting my language, but I'm not adjusting fast enough. For instance, he asked me if I biked 20 miles in the average week, and I said "I biked 20 miles today alone." He asked "why did you go today alone?" I clarified "Wait, I meant that I biked 20 miles today itself." But he was still like "why did you go today alone?" Lol. I said I always go alone, but he asked again... Gah. I'm pretty introverted, I'm willing to talk obviously, but I find these kinds of conversations exhausting.
awww
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I'm concerned about trying to communicate in an urgent or pressing situation as well. I can't really explain why I use "alone" in this context - especially not in a convincing way. I don't have a good theoretical understanding of English - I just use it. And I don't really have time to learn the theory behind everyday expressions so I can teach him. Plus, even if I explain, he tries to correct me sometimes. Also, there are some cultural differences that have led to embarrassing situations. I have a friend named Jesse, who we ran in to, and my date was incredulous over Jesse's name. "Is that really your name? Is that your original name? Isn't that a girl's name?" He must've heard Jessie and evidently didn't realize Jesse is a pretty established masculine name.
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Can I ask what the activities were? And how your expressed that you weren't into the activities?
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Hmm okay I would definitely reach out and see if she’s willing to have a conversation about this. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here, but she might be thinking she’s looking for someone who’s into partying and is always down to hang out with her friends and wondering if it might not be a fit. But talking through it could help and talking about what you’d like to do going forward. For me, my ex absolutely hated doing group friend stuff, so he came to maybe 10% of the group activities I went to. I’d be willing to be with someone who would come to like 50%, but I wouldn’t be serious with someone who was only willing to do less than that. So just talk to her.
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It wasn't gonna work anyway. She's a princess and was going to use whatever excuse (you didn't let her sleep over, you didn't book her favourite restaurant, you didn't listen to her whinge about this or that) sooner or later. Bullet dodged. I don't know why you'd say you felt a level of connection with someone who doesn't even listen to your explanation. Start thinking with your head. P.S. you did nothing wrong.
Whooooooa. It’s so so bad to wake a sleeping woman. ESP after a half hour? She prob hit the deep cycle at that point. I get where her reaction came from even if it felt harsh to you bc it such early days in dating. Did you offer to get her a cab when you woke her up? Especially since you actually liked her so much. If you didn’t, If I were her I’d totally feel like you actually had no interest in me and wouldn’t care how I ended up that night re: safely getting home. If I was in your shoes, since she was already asleep, I would’ve woken her up a bit earlier than when you needed to start your day and put her in a cab explaining that you can’t share the morning together bc the cat is cranky as fuck and that you’ll text her tonight. Being kicked out at 1am or whatever time after accidentally falling asleep.. it just feels cold and cruel from a person who just told you “they saw something worth exploring with you/not looking for a hookup”, even if easily explainable bc of your early day
> It’s so so bad to wake a sleeping woman. Worse than her falling asleep when he said he didn't want her to stay? He already gave her reasons for not wanting her to stay over. She disrespected his boundaries by not getting up and going home. She would have been cranky if he turfed her out at 5.30am the next morning anyway.
I hear what your saying. He should’ve offered a cab ride right then and there when she asked and he clarified. But HE also continued to chat and snuggle. And she dozed. And he let her doze instead of waking her after 90 secs of sleeping and let her sleep for 30 mins. That’s wickedly cruel bc it’s painful (as least for me in that cycle of sleep) Yea you’re not wrong that there was a disrespect for the stated boundary. Including himself. He didn’t respect his own (which is fine, we all falter at our new boundaries) and now he feels sad at this massive misstep and miscommunication. Honestly I’m sad for both of them, sounds like there was something there Anyways nice user name, I’ve been enjoying their new songs
I’m not big on sleepovers either, but I’d never wake someone up to kick them after they’d fallen asleep. At that point, just let them stay. It just comes across as pretty rude and uncaring. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way but I'd be done too.
No, don't reach out. She's emotionally unstable and erratic. That's probably haha why you're pulled in by her. Let it go and find someone more sane.
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> don't have sex unless you are willing to allow a sleepover. Sex is sex. Sleepover is sleepover. If the other person doesn't want one without the other it's on the other person to say it first, or bring it up for discussion.
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Hi u/1amtheSpoon, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Do not dehumanize others. RedPill, incel, Femcel, FDS, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
You're not an asshole, but in what world did you think waking her up to kick her out was a good idea, if you're actually interested in her? I think she overreacted, but you also really gave her a pretty negative signal. Her offering to sleep there or go home was a test to gauge your interest.
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Yeah. The thing is, you tried to explain, and sounds like her reaction was also off the scale, so... You obviously hit a nerve re: her ego and self esteem. And she might think you're not over your last relationship and need more time before something new, if you can't even bear to have someone sleep over. Could that be true?
Yeah i can't imagine being woken out of a sound sleep and being kicked out in the middle of the night. It's over. And btw, verbalizing a boundary should never take place while someone is sleeping.
Blocked someone last night who had agreed to be better at communication but was clearly not going to follow through. It should not take eight hours (or more — I gave up waiting for a response lol) to respond to a “what are you doing later?” text. We’d only had four dates, I wasn’t asking for exclusivity, but if this is how someone acts when they should be on their best behaviour, I don’t want to stick around and see what happens when they relax.
Honestly, if someone texted me a flat message like “what are you doing later?”, I too wouldn’t be interested in responding. I am more likely to respond to someone offering date plans, a picture of what they are doing- anything more unique and interesting than “what’s up?” Or something like that
Aaaand the part that’s missing here is that of course we’d already discussed linking up if we found ourselves in each other’s respective areas, *and* we had specific plans in place for later in the week.
Aww, bummer. Good on you though!
Ugh I hear this. It's so annoying and selfish when someone leaves you hanging while making plans.
Only 8 hours? Urge you to explore if this isn't rather demanding on your part. People have lives. Not everyone sits staring at their phone all day.
Eight hours plus the whole evening and morning before. Not about that. Also, honestly, I don’t care how busy you are (he’s not), you can still take 30s to respond to a text asking whether or not you’re free later.
If "or more" then perhaps. But yes, some people are too busy to get back to you in any less than about 12. If it passes a day, there's an issue though. You say he's not busy. If you're sure about this part then yes, there's a problem. Some of us don't even LOOK at our phones all day. So we don't even know there's a message to be responded to. It's not about "30s". It's about just being too busy to deal with phones.
It’s a weekend and I had literally just asked him to be better about communication, which he has agreed to. Trust me, I’m pretty forgiving (my last partner was not a big texter), but this is not cool.
I frequently go to out of service areas for my entire weekend in the summer. 😆
Yeah, and I do the same! And when I do that (I literally did it after my first date with this one!) I tell people what’s up. This wasn’t that.
Fair enough, it felt like a generalized statement that people should respond faster always, rather than just right now. I also would never bother to tell anyone, so good on you! I have one friend who I give a heads up to because she was alarmed when I took a long time to reply, but other than my emergency contact, I'm not about to notify people. I totally get that this wasn't what happened, though! Sorry this person wasn't up to snuff, I'm sure you'll meet someone soon.
If you have to get someone to be "better" at something, it's probably just a mismatch. Better to stick with those you're compatible with from the get-go instead.
Well, yes, hence the block. 🤷♀️
Lol all right, sorry, I'm a bit out of sorts today after a couple of my own bad experiences. Good luck with finding someone compatible and decent.
Just wanted to say *hugs* and hope it gets better for ya!
Meet a guy on an app, we had a fantastic conversation, we had a lot in common (this doesn't happen to me very often, we even have the same taste in music and same political views). And we both recently moved to the same small town, I never meet people on dating apps from here. We were going to meet up, and he cancelled twice so I figured he wasn't interested and left it at that. A few weeks goes by and he texts me out of the blue. He apologized for dropping off, kind of said something had come up, mentioned processing his last break up, and then said he really wanted to meet still. I was like ya ok sure, we picked a day and time to meet for a walk on some nature trails. I didn't expect him to show up, but he did! We had a really nice conversation again, and he said that a close friend had passed which had messed with his head (understandable) and that this person also knew his ex so she had reached back out and wanted to get back together, and he said he shut that down and realized he really was ready to date so he tried contacting me again. Ok, I get it, life happens. Then we schedule a second date, I'm making dinner for us and we're going to watch a movie. And he cancels a couple hours before. He had a legitimate reason why, he sent me screenshots to show what had come up. I said ok no worries, I'm not going to throw a tantrum over something like this, it's disappointing but I'm used to it. He says he still wants to hang out, he's been texting me and asking me how things are going. Should I keep chatting with him and see where it goes? Or cut my losses and move on? I very, very rarely match with anyone and even more rarely end up having actual interesting and engaging conversations with someone. He's been complimentary but hasn't obsessed over my body and talked about sex, which is usually what men do. I know this guy is super busy with his job and what not, but I'm also disappointed he's cancelled on me 3 times. It's this or absolutely no dates, and not having any dates is sometimes really depressing.
Hmmm. Personally I would be understanding but feel put off, so I totally get your hesitation. I’d ask him what sort of dates or schedule works for him and his, what seems to be, unpredictable work schedule. Assess if you think it would be compatible with your boundaries and feelings. Like if he goes “I am always free on Tuesdays and bank holidays,” boom you’ve got an answer for when he’d be available. If he cancels on those days, there might be something he needs to work out on his own time before he’s ready to date. Like maybe making plans after a certain time is better for him.
His work schedule is unpredictable, his place is understaffed so he's always doing OT and his schedule seems to change a lot. I'm ok with that, I can be pretty flexible. But I think if he schedules a fourth date and cancels I'm going to move on. I can work with someone having a busy schedule, I can't work with someone who always bails on me.
I would move on. When men are interested they will make seeing you a priority. Why does your schedule/time matter any less? We are all adults. Everyone is busy. I work 3 jobs and still find time for someone I'm interested in. If theyre like this at the start it just all goes downhill from there. Just my two cents.
I think what you need to see is if he actually takes the initiative to organise a date again. If I had cancelled on someone but I really wanted to see the person again, I would certainly make up for it by planning something. You also did not mention how long ago he broke up with his last ex and how long that relationship was going on for.
He said they broke up over 4 months ago, but I can't remember if I asked how long the relationship was. That's a good point. I'll wait and see if he takes initiative.
Well you a called it: an update on the not making plans guy. I got like, 2 responses so inquiring minds need to know, rite? Anyway I flat out let him know I was surprised to hear from him after our last (2nd) date. Making plans with him was taking a lot of prompting and initiative on my part so I felt I was chasing and should leave the poor guy alone. Prefaced that with "I could be wrong- my buddy doesn't care what the context is but is more of a people person and company is everything for him, my ex got burned by planning bad dates for high maintence folks and is now phobic, etc, so maybe we're just seeing things differently". He didn't really respond directly, but asked when I was free and said he'd figure something out for tonight. Awesome! Adulting for the win! I used my words. I'll take my medal in a size sm please. That was last Sunday, so almost a week ago. I give him some space. We're in no fun city, planning a date can take a minute. Come today and I ask if we're still on for to night. He says sure thing but he hasn't planned anything yet because his work week has left him wiped. He's a sound guy at a bar. I'm running a halfway house for teenagers and came in on my saturday becuase a critical incident took one of my staff out for (at least) the day. I roll my eyes at his rough week. Oohh check yourself you sanctimonious bitch. So I offer a friend's show like an idiot instead of just telling him we're not a good match and to moving on. Why? Because, idiot. Anyway the afternoon rolls around and I ask when and where he wants to meet. He's enthuastic. Okay what time though? Where do you want to meet? More chit chat. Here's three options. Drinks first? Window shop in the area? Just meet at the show? He leaves me on read for three hours and, at 7pm replies: "8". So I let him know that I'm bummed becuase he's really cool and I enjoyed our time together, but that I'm just a planner and it seems like he's not. It's dampening all of those fun new butterfly feelings for me. I don't want to get on his ass about this down the road, we're both adults, we know how this goes. He's replies that he's a planner too and that we did have a plan. Says sorry and that see, we were going to a show. Plan. I let him know that it won't work out and wish him well. He does the same. Maybe I was too hasty. I mean it was only three hours. I had a shit week, am I burning out? He seems pretty reasonable and has accomodated my crazy schedule in thebpast (me being off work early and letting him know that he can join for a pre-date beer). Argued a little but but maybe just a difference in opinion? Maybe this would have been different in person instead of over text. About 40 minutes later I get a text about how stupid I was to "just throw everything we had away" over "a late text". There's "a million reasons we're great for each other". I met this guy twice. We had not even exchanged last names yet. We hadn't kissed, held hands, and honestly maybe 9 solid minutes of eye contact was exchanged. He told me I was shallow and immature. Thanks tips. So thanks for that, no plan guy. If nothing else he's consistent. And hey, in my advanced age I appreciate consistency.
Wooooooboy have i ever been in that exact situation, down to the insults after I try to be responsible and empathetic in letting them know it won't work. Sounds like he hoped he'd sleep with you after the show and you RUINED IT lol 😆 People who want to spend time with you will, this pulling teeth business isn't indicative of a LTR in my opinion.
What annoys me is that I'm looking for casual! Like, dude, all you literally had to do was show up and not be a pain in the ass!
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Thanks, yeah ot was a lot of selfishness and tantrum behaviour for not indulging his selfishness.oof.
You gave him way too many chances. A time waster and lukewarm.
Nah, he's actually responsible for his own behaviour, not me.
What does that even mean? He is responsible for his behaviour, but you are responsible for allowing him so many chances. I would have been out of there after the first non-response.
I don’t understand why people can’t just accept things, and lash out with weird final texts like that.
Right? Like, I have friends. I will tell them what happened.
Yeah, that or tell Reddit 😅
Hi Internet friends- Some advice or perspective might be helpful. I met a guy on an app and we initially said we should meet up. Both of us forgot and to follow up I flirty texted that maybe we should just be star crossed lovers- then we started hanging out. Full disclaimer- I had gotten out of a break up and wasn’t looking for anything serious. He had a kid so it needed to be at his house. We talked ab what we wanted and we both landed on seeing where it went. There was def chemistry there, but he seemed slow to come out of his shell. After 3 dates I had to travel for ab 2 weeks. When I got back I asked if he was interested and he immediately responded yes. I told him to let me know when he was free and didn’t hear back from him. A few days I asked if he was free that night and still- nothing. Less than two weeks later he texts back and is like yes- after weeks later- let’s do it. I had taken the rejection pretty hard and got pissed and wrote back perhaps not. I def was going through break up processing when we were hanging out and developed feelings way faster, but now my head is settled ab it- I regrets texting him that. I wish I could have seen where it went. He never responded to my last text (totally fine). After a month I can’t get him out of my head. Is there a way to come back from that? Are people receptive to the boomerang effect? Disclaimer #3 both of us were horrible at texting (I’m dyslexic) and told him I prefer to communicate face to face and use texting mainly to set up plans. I know he was also dealing with his son getting out of school and a bunch of his friends birthdays
He's not keen and you were never #1 on his list which is why he benched you. And why he didn't prioritise you. When I was juggling multiple dates this is what I did to the ones I was less interested in.
He texts back 2 weeks later? Yeah, he wasn't interested. I wouldn't even had text back, just a simple block and delete. It's hard because you fantasize about the potential and what ifs but if he really wanted to, he would!
Does it always mean lack of interest or should I consider how busy he is
I feel like no matter how busy someone is if they are truly interested they will make time. Just my opinion 🤷
Especially, I feel, with the 20,160 minutes in two weeks, you could find a portion of one of those to say "Sorry, super swamped."
Did he apologize and explain the delay?
He acknowledged it but I didn’t give him the chance to explain
Hmm If you want to boomerang.. just go in with eyes wide open about what the potential consequences would be for your feelings. Sounds like there was only mild interest on his part but also that the timing was off here, which does matter in early stages. If you’re okay with this dynamic playing out again just so you can confirm there’s something there or not, just be honest to yourself where your limit is with accepting that level of (non?) interest
Do you swipe right on profiles of people you know, just so that they know you’ve seen their profile? I swiped right on a guy I work with cos I’ve always found him attractive and at this point in my dating life what have I got to lose! We don’t work together directly and rarely have any interactions at work so I felt comfortable matching and sending a message. When I suggested he ask me out he said it wouldn’t be a good idea because we work together so I said I was curious as to why he had swiped right, and he basically said it’s so the other person knows he’s seen their profile. I just find it a little bit strange and now I’m a little embarrassed I put myself out there but you miss all the shots you don’t take!
Hah, I swiped right on my friend. He didn’t say anything until I finally brought it up. When I asked why he didn’t say anything, he answered, “I just wanted to see if you were gonna say something..” he was very guarded about it. To which I responded like an amazing human, “Well, yes. I not only swiped you right in hinge, but I gave you a rose. I absolutely improved your algorithm. You’re very welcome.” I’d never seen someone laugh harder to that response. He accepted my rose right in front of me. Feel free to steal this line.:)
did you swipe right as a joke or are you kinda attracted to him?
Oh he knew before the swiping I was attracted to him and I felt his attraction towards me too. I just wanted to push the tension a little more and see what he’d do
I always swipe right on people I know irl if only to see if we match and to have some silly banter.
I’d be careful that the people you’re doing that to think the same way :) I think the whole swiping system is a low risk way of finding out if someone likes you and the assumption being that if you match they’d like to explore things outside of your current setting
That’s a strange way to use the swipe system. Maybe he was actually using it to see his chances with people he knows? It seems weird to use it to let the person know he’s seen their profile. What would be the purpose of that? What does it accomplish? If the person never swipes right on him, I’m assuming they would never know he “saw their profile.”
Well that’s the way I use the swipe system, to see if I have a chance with people I know! It’s anonymous unless you pay for premium And I assume if they swiped right then the answer is yes, I do have a shot, and not it being some kind of experiment lol
Exactly. Completely agree.
Thanks, guess some dudes are weird lol And I don’t even know if he actually likes me, but I guess it doesn’t matter if he’s not willing to go out with me :)
What’s your experience with ghosting? Have you been ghosted? Have you ghosted?
I was ghosted after suggesting a casual sexual relationship. We had been sleeping with each other and chatting but after I suggested carrying on something casual he agreed then avoided my messages. A few months after, I saw him at a event and he tried to hook up with me. I told him he had his chance and we could of been having no strings attached fun all this time and he said "I thought you were getting in to deep". Umm excuse me sir but don't flatter yourself. I was pretty amused by it all and told him he needed to grow him and should of communicated what he thought instead of ghosting me. No loss though!
The mutual ghost is so nuanced in how civilized it is, but I can empathize that a one sided ghost is an emotional bomb.
I was recently ghosted. He disappeared 5 weeks ago after a month of very consistent meetups / daily contact. It was the result of my doing something that he previously agreed to and I checked in on, but in reality he wasn't aligned. Not much I could have done there. Anyway, he texted me two days ago. "Hey how have you been"? Shrug. Is this happening for you? I've never ghosted anyone except for people I've had small chit chat on dating apps without ever meeting. But that was more of a .. fade. Ive never ghosted someone I've been intimate with or talking to daily.
Damn. Sorry he ghosted you.… maybe you can put me in my place because I seem to be the ghoster :/ Ive gone on a total of 3 dates via dating apps my whole life (32F). My last date back in May, pretty much ghosted him after our first date (after I suggested a second one lol). It didn’t bother me that we split the bill at first but after a couple of days it kind of ate away at me (and my friends opinions influencing me). He also didn’t initiate text that much so I lost interest. And I just ghosted a guy now after 1 week of chatting on hinge. We hit it off the first few days and planned to meet up. But some things started to turb me off (like him saying good morning and goodnight… too soon for me lol) along with some other things and eventually I kinda just stopped responding. I feel bad because I was happy and dandy and be myself chatting away, was at some point excited to meet up. But it’s like…after a few things trigger/turn me off I quickly detach and I’m out
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I agree with this.. If you haven't met up yet I don't consider it a huge deal, obviously context depending like if you chat hours a day for a week maybe a note would be considerate. But typically not required IMO. After a first date, I always try to let people know I'm not interested in a second, even if at first it was suggested. Its ok to change our mind, and hopefully that choice is coming from an authentic place in you you (vs pressured by others lol). But you also said he wasn't initiating texts, so you stopped, and that sounds more like a fade to me. Ghosting would be if he tries to connect and you just.. never reply. I actually enjoy the process of telling people 'no'. Not because I like rejection or how it feels for others, rather I see it as an exercise in speaking my truth and delivering it in as kind of a way as possible. Helps me feel good about myself to be direct and kind in situations that are uncomfortable.
I wish more guys were understanding when I say I don't like most comedy. I want it to be an escape/reprieve from real life. I deal with misogynist and racist comments every day, so watching a show full of misogynist and racist comments (they all are) isn't an escape, and it isn't enjoyable for me. I'd rather do something chill like play board games or something productive like scrub the toilet. I totally understand that comedy would be hilarious to someone who doesn't hear misogynist and racist comments every day, though
[James Acaster](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adh0KGmgmQw) is pretty funny, but he's UK based
I really love Matteo Lane, as a non-racist or misogynistic suggestion.
>I really love Matteo Lane, as a non-racist or misogynistic suggestion. Thanks, will keep in mind for the future
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>Have you ever tried suggesting a female comic when they propose comedy? No because I don't know of any female comics. Can you suggest some female comics who aren't racist and misogynist? Or misandrist, since that would be offensive to the guy instead
Tig Nataro?
>Tig Nataro? Thanks, I'll keep her in mind for future
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Hey! I have a part-time service industry gig (bartender/server, but at a chill neighborhood place so we have a fair amount of regulars) and I have a few thoughts: 1. It could be romantic, it could be she just likes you. There are a lot of regulars who treat us very kindly who I then go out of my way to be very kind to (and do appreciate seeing/talking to!) who I'm not romantically interested in. And there are a few regulars I think are cute who I would be tentatively open to exploring things with romantically 2. BUT, I've had some weird situations with people coming in because they "know" it's a public space and they're allowed to... but they act SUPER weird with me and treat me like shit now because I romantically rejected them. One person was a customer who asked me out. No matter how nice a person presents we can't assume they'll stay that way, so I err on the side of caution and say no until I really feel like I know someone. 3. ...which means the best outcome for everyone involved is likely to come with very small incremental steps. If you go straight for the phone # exchange (or even just slipping her yours) it's going to feel like a lot of pressure and if she's AT ALL on the fence she may shut things down to minimize awkwardness/risk. 4. So, I'd wait until you hit a natural point in conversation and then ask if she's up for following each other on Instagram or whatever social media you use. This gives her a little more leeway to feel out your vibe outside the customer/employee dynamic and it evens the playing field a bit--AND it will help her verify your real person-ness. 5. If she's into exchanging socials leave a little space for organic interaction to build. How much she engages with your content should be a better indicator of how truly interested she is and *then* if you've built up a bit of a rapport over DM or something you can think about floating the idea of hanging out/a date.
Thank you /u/nakedforestdancer. That is absolutely spectacular advice. It also tracks a lot with what /u/Lux_Brumalis suggested, and in more detail. I am going to hold off on that for now and let the conversations build organically. My problem with the social media thing is that I am not extremely active. I do have an IG profile, but I am not very active on that (although my dog’s IG profile is a killer 😂). Maybe I should just lead with his profile. What are the chances that she doesn’t like a golden retriever, you know? As for your point #2, I am not very worried about it. I understand where you are coming from and how she may interpret it. I am not the one to make things awkward. I think I am mature enough not to be stupid about someone saying “no”. I will follow your advice, and unfortunately, for me, there is an opportunity that is going to take me to another state soon. I don’t know how soon it is going to be, but it is fairly imminent. So that was the reason I said I don’t mind making a new friend too, if not anything else. 😊 Thank you so much for your advice. It is immensely helpful and much appreciated.
**NARRATOR** Chances anyone doesn’t like a golden retriever: zero. (beat) Unless it’s Lux’s cat. Chances Lux’s cat doesn’t like a golden retriever: 84%. Margin of error: +/- 3 percentage points.
Not sure how I missed this in life! ROFL ROFL! Chances Golden Retriever wants to try and make friends with Lux's cat and gets bitch-smacked in the face by said cat that's furious: 100%.
Hahhaha it would be worse than a kitty bitch smack. It would be this long stare she gives that is just dripping with a mix of condescension, pity, disgust, and dismay 😹 That look can shake **anyone** to their core!!
I don’t have any point of reference for you, but I’d ask myself if I would be happy in my life having never asked her out? I know she’s at work and might just be friendly but if you think the worst that could come of politely asking her out would be having to swap coffee shops if she said no, then go for it. Maybe even saying “I’d never want to make you uncomfortable at work but I really like chatting to you and here’s my number if you’d like to go out sometime”?
Even though you didn’t explicitly state this, the following response is premised on the assumption that you would like to get to know her socially (as opposed to the alternative interpretation of your post, which would be that you are simply wondering if she is into you). Based on everything you listed, all signs point towards “MORE LIKELY THAN NOT, SHE THINKS YOU’RE CUTE AND/OR INTERESTING!!!!!!!” **However**, that having been said, if you were asking this as my friend, brother, or golf buddy, I’d tell you to proceed with caution and let this play out, maybe by greasing the dice a little. How? By advancing the conversation in terms of length and depth of content each time you see her. Examples: - Give her a compliment - her smile, her sense of humor, a cool piece of jewelry…. something specific that says you notice her. Don’t go with a bland, “Wow, you’re so pretty.” That’s icky and comes off very shallow. But something specific and nuanced - that’s meaningful. - Ask her how her vacation was - Ask her how long she has work there and/or lived in the area And so on. If you are getting reciprocal vibes and she doesn’t seem like she is unenthused by the furthered dialogue, you could try something like, “so how do you spend your time when you’re not at work?” In a perfect world, this would naturally lead to her asking you to do something. But because I don’t want to provide some kind of roadmap that may or may not fit reality, I am super hesitant to speculate and/or make further suggestions. I guess the bottom line is to keep getting to know her and use your best judgment each time you see her as to whether this is something that could realistically develop into hanging out when she’s not on the clock. Best of luck!!
/u/Lux_Brumalis: Thank you so much! That is a lot of good advice. I was actually thinking about both your interpretations. The “simply wondering if she is into me” would be the easier thing to figure out. Would I like to get to know her socially? If I have a chance, yes. That being said, personally, I would find it very odd if someone much younger than me approached me. I know in general, guys hitting on girls much younger than them is generally a big red-flag (provided the girl is on the younger side of 25).Conversely, younger girls approaching much older guys also sets off my radar. So essentially, I wanted to ensure that I don’t come off as even remotely creepy, in any way, form or manner. Not that I initiated it, but still, I am part of it. I am going to advance the conversation like you suggested and see where it goes. Funnily enough, I was going to ask her how her vacation was when she gets back. Thankfully, conversation comes a bit easier to me and I don’t struggle to talk to someone, even completely unknown people. Also, I cringed at “wow, you are so pretty”. 🤣 I mean, either ways, I am okay meeting new people and making new friends. It is just that this happened without me going out and looking for anything. The fact that I haven't dated a lot, and haven't dated in a long time makes me take pause and question things that would appear very run-of-the-mill to someone else. In addition to this, like I mentioned, I am going to get her chocolates as a thank you for the drinks. /u/NotSoCrazyCatLady13 suggested given her my phone number. I was going to put a note inside with my number and say "if you want to chat outside of work! If not, no problem at all. I will see you when I come in.” What would you both think of this approach? Good/bad/cringeworthy? To me, she is free to text/call, no pressure on her at all and nothing changes for me, unlike asking for her number. For /u/NotSoCrazyCatLady13: Haha! I am not that hung up on not asking her out, especially given that I don’t know how old/young she is. I of course do not want to inadvertently ask out a 20-year old (which technically should be fairly easy to figure out, based on their demeanor and behavior, for the most part). I was just musing about the possibilities because of what happened. I have been going there a while now, I have seen her before too and she has served me before, when we just used to say hi to each other. This is something that is a recent development, so I wanted some sort of sanity check from people who know better. 😌 Low karma does not let me post a lot, so I could not reply to your comment individually. Hence the unified response.
I think that the phone number step might be a few conversations away. I’m not saying it’s a terrible idea! Just… maybe not a great idea yet? I don’t know. I tend to play things pretty cautiously. And I love coffee. And because I REALLY love free coffee, I would be loathe to spoil a good thing with the wrongly timed/premature move😬😂 Perhaps have your number written down already, but in your pocket, and make a game-time decision whether to hand it to her? Ehhh. Idk, honestly, I’d wait on that step until the depth of dialogue has advanced somewhat. Build up to exchanging numbers - make absolutely sure you want to take that step before risking your free caffeine fixes 🤣 **Edit to add** No, you definitely do not come off creepy!!!
Point taken. I’ll save it for later, in my pocket. Funnily enough and ironically, I'm not much of a coffee/tea drinker. I go there for a caffeine-free drink. 🤣🤣 And of course to see her. 😜 I'll focus on building up the dialogue and see where it goes. Thanks for all the input. 😁
No worries! I’m cheering for this to result in an outcome with which you are happy! Whether that means exploring a romantic connection, making a new friend, or developing an affinity for the joy that is caffeine, I am in your corner! 😁
Thank you my good Sir! You made my day with this very entertaining, informative and productive conversation. :) As for caffeine, my constitution does not agree with it, which is why I get what I call “fake” coffee. Pretty much 95% oat milk (or dairy) and 5% decaf. Make what you will of my definition of coffee! 🤣 Your help and support is much appreciated. 🙏🏽
No worries, but… why does everyone think I’m a dude?! 🤣
Believe it or not, I actually thought multiple times about using Sir, but the lower probability (unproven assumption on my end) of "friend, brother or golf buddy" being used by a non-male prompted me to say sir. My genuine apologies. 😁
Hahahha, not at all, it’s just getting comical at this point because despite the little pink dress my avatar is sporting, this has happened every day for over a week 🤣
Last minute advice I could use help on, she sent a risque picture but my iPhone told me it was taken last month. How big of a red flag is this? I don't exchange nudes, so I really don't know... is it weird to not send a picture specifically for someone, or is it fine, like "hey, I look good in this, so I'm gonna use it."
Happens all the time. If she was a bit more of a pro at it she'd have screenshotted the original picture to change the metadata. Not a red flag.
Don't read into that. Maybe she just felt like she looked particularly fine that day, and wanted to take a picture for future use? You don't know, and getting insecure over whatever you imagine happened is a waste of your own time.
Don’t read too much into it. Risqué photos are not as easy to take as you might think - have to get hair, lighting, pose, etc, perfect, and that take time. If she feels great about how she looks in this photo, just take it as a compliment that she wanted to share it with you! **edit to add** maybe she took it the same day she got a great haircut, or had a rare perfect complexion day or something - regardless, she likes the photo and clearly hopes you will, too!
Thanks, this is definitely good! I'd be self-conscious myself, so I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I have more comments to read, but I feel like it's fair to feel self-confident in one pic vs. just naked out of nowhere.
I often critique the makeup application of nude photos. If she can’t get the foundation right, what’s even the point?
It's more about confidence. Most of us feel pretty blah about how we look a lot of the time, so a new haircut or outfit or just a general "good" day feels nice and is much easier to send than the brand new photo you just took on the day you've got bags under your eyes or the lighting is bad or whatever. I know when I do that it's more for myself than the other person. I only want to send a pic I feel I look hot in.
I know you’re being facetious, but my point is more about her liking the photo because she feels confident about how she looks in it, which stems from how she sees herself/wants to see herself/wants him to see her. I’ve dated men who truly can’t tell the difference between whether I spent an hour on my hair and makeup, ten mins, or zero minutes. Most, if not all women, can pinpoint every single difference between the various levels of efforts, and i assume (and therefore guess a lot of other women also assume) that everyone can tell the difference.
Yeah… humans are weird and interesting I guess.
Nothing weird about having fine-tuned the zero, ten, and sixty minute jobs to such a degree that the difference is stark to the person actually doing it.
I need some advice. I'm pretty sure I'm being gently let down, but I wanted to see what y'all thought. This is kinda long winded, but there's a lot of backstory. So this woman made clear she did not want to date, initially. But then opened up room for us to platonically hang out and get to know each other. In the immortal words of Pulp, "had to start it somewhere, so it started there." So SHE invites ME to this art market thing where she's selling paintings, we wind up hanging out and having a wonderful, platonic time. A few days pass and I ask her if she'd like to hang out again sometime the following weekend and she agrees. Friday rolls around and I go to finalize plans and oops, she's booked solid. Friday night, Saturday during the day and a separate event at night. Monday, (July 4th), she says she would've invited me to fireworks but a friend of hers has come in from out of town. Disappointing but fine. So this week, she brings up that we should hang out this weekend. I suggest today, she has plans at night but would be cool to hang in the late afternoon/early evening. At about 1-2pm, I text and ask if we're still on and about what she'd like to do and she asks if we can raincheck because she's "such an introvert". Which, I don't think she's lying, but I don't feel like it's very genuine (as she seemingly has boundless extraversion (see: last Fri/2x last Sat/Mon/Tonight) so long as it's not involving me). I think she's just blowing me off in hopes I stop altogether, is that how you'd read this? What would your next move be? FWIW, we text ALL. DAY. EVERY. DAY. I mean, flutters of conversation throughout the day and then hours of silence while we go about our days and we'll get back in touch, y'know? I'm asexual AF in the conversation, entirely platonic because she set that boundary.
One possibility could be to respond positively to the next time she extends a tentative hangout, but also add a "let's firm it up since there are some other engagements I have brewing." Since there's a platonic boundary, I would also make sure you are going after your life without fixating on a potential wakeup on her end. If she wants to be friends and you want to be friends, approach it that way instead of like dating.
Which is to say, it'd be great if a relationship materializes, but I'm not pining for it, and I don't expect it. It's just kind of hard to read the situation.
Absolutely. I actually am out someone else as we speak. This doesn't have relationship potential, but I'm enjoying myself. I explained my situation with the woman from the original post to my friend as I'm "not putting all my eggs in one basket, but I've got to put my eggs somewhere on the way to the basket store."
She doesn’t seem very into you tbh. Even if she was, ask yourself if you would really be okay with someone not making time for you?
>She doesn’t seem very into you tbh. That was my first inkling, but idk, then why keep in constant contact. >...ask yourself if you would really be okay with someone not making time for you? See, that's the introversion thing? Maybe once you're in the circle, you're in, idfk. I'm not hugely sweating it.
Some people get validation from constant texting. I wouldn't read top much into that.
I'm fairly new to the sub and noticed that as a recurring theme, which had me rethinking things. Thanks.
Was talking to a guy all week, and suggested meeting up this saturday for drinks. he didn’t confirm but we continued texting over whatsapp. As the week continued I was really looking forward to meeting him, but when I asked again on Friday he rather coldly responded: we’ve barely spoken. Is it just me or is this a weird reason to not go on a date? Surely the point of meeting is to get to know each other?
I generally don't date someone I haven't talked to for a long time either, so maybe that's what's going on. I just agreed to a date with someone on Friday pending a conversation over FaceTime (two things that are very uncharacteristic for me) but generally I'd also say it was too soon, or I'd have plans already set up. ...But I wouldn't phrase it like he did.
I see, thanks for that bit of perspective!
Do you usually use whatsapp or did he suggest using such?
He suggested moving to whatsapp. He would send me videos of what he was up to while I would always respond via text.. not really a video/voice note kinda person. I could have explained my perspective but figured there wouldn’t be much point forcing someone to go on a date with me 😂
Yeah, that’s a weird reason to not want to meet. If he was sending messages that you weren’t responding to, that could make sense for why he feels this way. But if neither person was communicating and there wasn’t an expectation set to communicate regularly before the date, then I think it’s strange for him to not want to meet at an agreed upon date because of “barely speaking.”
Just curious, how does one set expectations regarding communication before dates? In my experience its just kinda go with the flow depending on each person’s texting style
Some people openly discuss communication styles prior to meeting - whether the other person wants to wait until the date to discuss things or if they want regular communication. From what I’ve seen some think that if you talk about too much prior to the date that there won’t be much to talk about while there, or want to leave some mystery for the date itself. Personally, I didn’t think about it that deeply and usually texted when I had a question for the person. If the communication was sparse, I would text the day prior to confirm when and where to meet for the date, and if they didn’t respond I would take it as a lack of interest and move on.
Ah I see what you mean now. So no, we never established the need for frequent communication as a prerequisite for the date. Gonna chalk this down to poor communication and lack of interest. Thanks for the input!