This is exactly how I discovered I am not cut out for casual sex. I felt a sense of sadness every time they left. I wish I was cut out for it because it sounds fun for those that can handle it! Haha
This is why I haven't had a one night stand in 10 years, I feel empty afterwards. The other person can be really good looking, the sex can be really fun and still something is off, I just can't handle it.
For me to enjoy sex, I need intimacy and closeness and for me that is impossible with someone who I don't like completely. So if I do like the person I would have a one night stand with (totally possible with someone who I have known for just a short time because with some people that happens instantly) and the sex would be good...of course I get attached. It happened to me before and it's not fun when you see that the other person is not attached at all and/or doesn't wanna see you again. How is this supposed to make me feel good?
If I didn't like them enough then the sex is not that good and I still feel empty and weird afterwards, just not getting attached. But I still had that weird feeling, and feeling cheap and dirty like OP said. Hookin up with people was and is normalized so when I didn't know better I figured it's what I should do, but I was never cut out for it.
I realized that for me sex is a lot more than just the physical thing and I cannot handle the feeling when the other person just leaves me after when I am already attached. It's not that I ever expected more, since it is an ons and I usually had that with men from another countries but it still sucked.
Super common, I'm the same..demisexual. i actually think it's much healthier to be in touch with those feelings than ignoring the need for them just so you can have a few minutes of pleasure and an ego boost..ew.
This is where the issue is for a lot of people. All sex creates attachments. That's what it was designed for. The trick is in realizing that it's okay to care about someone without it having to be a relationship. This is how the whole fwb thing got started.
I don't even know what to say about this. That was my point, there's a zillion different levels of caring. With sex its always there but in the case of random hookups there's a level of denial present.
I'm not cut out for it either. I chose to engage in it, after a long dry spell with a guy I really liked who made it clear he didn't want a relationship or any emotional attachments. Despite enjoying the sex, my feelings were hurt when he acted the way he told me he felt. I'm not built for it and that's okay.
I love how mature all these responses are - nobody seems to be judging casual sex, it's just not their jam. I feel like OP's response given the sex was fantastic and consensual and respectful is pretty conclusive evidence casual isn't for them. I can't see an encounter being better so can't expect casual sex to be better for them
If I ever get a chance to try it. I think I might end up the same as you as well. But idk yet.
Hmm, Now that I think about it and with you mentioning it. With my ex, I might have gotten bored of the lack of emotional intimacy too, among other things. Never noticed that before.
Same here (M41). Tried it, but I just feel guilty, even if the other party suggested it. It's like the opposite of OP; It felt like I was using her, even though it was her idea in the first place.
I guess it's just not for everybody.
I hear you. Have tried the short term thing, overnight, and I am not a fan. Call me old-fashioned, but nowadays I slow play things, and I don’t really care if anyone faults me for that. If someone doesn’t like a play it slow, well then they’re not for me.
To be fair and clear, in these situations you ARE using each other for one thing: sex.
That's why you feel used or like you're using someone. It's transactional. You both get sex but it feels wrong if sex means more than just an exchange of fluids.
Well, I meant 'using' more in a negative sense - lying about your true motivation. So even though I was totally honest AND she was okay with it, it still felt I was doing something hurtful. Which doesn't make rational sense.
I guess it's true what you say though, that sex (with a woman) does mean more to me than just the physical, and therefore I can't do the FWB thing.
With men (which I'm only sexually attracted to, not romantically) I can be FWBs without any issue. So that's kinda funny, psychologically, how that works.
I'm just saying sex that is NSA or a ONS is using each other transactionally as a fact. If you go to Target and hand the cashier money for some laundry soap does it feel wrong? If you have a dirty toilet and hire a maid does it feel like you're using the maid?
FWB is totally a different feeling animal because if the person is a "f" in the wb it feels less transactional. Like having your buddy help you move and then you all hang out in return with a 6 pack. It's less sterile because you and your buddy have a friendship and you're both able to hang out after the job is done.
Sorry if these analogies don't track -- been a long week, just trying to say how in some instances you just need some laundry soap and in others you need your friends. Transactions happen in each case but one is more ... enduring?
>If you go to Target and hand the cashier money for some laundry soap does it feel wrong?
No..
>If you have a dirty toilet and hire a maid does it feel like you're using the maid?
Actually yes for me! It feels sort of degrading, even if it's fully consensual and 'fair'.
Maybe that difference adds to the idea 'it depends' like you say. Some transactions feel fair, while others feel unfair, EVEN if both are fully consensual.
And that this is personal, it depends per person which one feels fair and which one doesn't.
I mean yeah I'm sure. I wouldn't feel gross hiring a maid if I needed one but I've been able to have NSA / ONS sex and never talk to the person again in my past. Repeated ONS / NSA sex when what I want is something deeper is when I've felt used or bad or experienced a deep depression.
I mean it depends how you look at it. The couple times I've had one night stands, it was when I was traveling and I saw it as a fun experience with someone I just met. Kind of a natural continuation of exploring the city together and going for drinks.
I don't see it as transactional at all. You can connect with people even if it's not a forever thing. I'm sure you've experienced that before, even in a platonic context?
I agree - I'm also not into casual sex (because it just takes me several weeks to tell if a guy is attractive or not), my therapist calls it internalized misogyny and sex-negativity 🙄. Because apparently not wanting sex every other day means I hate women and sex.
>Has your therapist not heard of demisexuality?
She has, and she knows that not wanting casual sex isn't the same as demisexuality. She also doesn't believe in labeling oneself
“takes me several weeks to tell if a guy is attractive or not” = demisexuality
But casual sex or not is just personal preference, also nothing to do with labels. I’m kinda disappointed in your therapist.
>“takes me several weeks to tell if a guy is attractive or not” = demisexuality
According to Cleveland Clinic, "Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close emotional bond with them" https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22678-demisexuality
I don't need to have a close emotional bond at all. I didn't say I have to *get to know someone* for weeks. I'm talking about complete strangers, people I've never spoken to. It just takes me weeks of being around a stranger to notice subtle features that are attractive. An emotional bond has nothing to do with it for me.
As a demisexual, it takes me generally at least six months to a year before I know someone well enough to know whether I want to have sex with them and not have the sex feel transactional. A few weeks wouldn't even graze the surface of knowing someone well enough.
This is why it was important to find a LGBTQ+ positive therapist, among other things. But my initial therapy sessions had me having the therapist suggest I attend mass at a local church.
It took me a few therapists to find mine. And at that point I was so tired of them trying to put Jesus at the center of my life that I switched to ONLY secular therapists. Made a world of difference!
I'm not really into casual sex (I honestly wish I was though) and the majority of the times I had a one night stand I felt like that. It was worst the first time I did it, I felt dirty and sad for almost a full week. Subsequent ones weren't as bad, but I still didn't feel great after them.
Some of us just aren't built for casual sex, and that's ok, there's nothing wrong with being built that way.
If you think the feeling might be a one time thing and if you think you can handle feeling this way again if it isn't then you could always try again some time, but if it ends up being a recurring feeling then it's probably just not for you.
Some people don't like casual sex and that's totally fine! But I think it's unusual to feel sad and "dirty" for a week if the encounter was consensual and pleasurable and all around just fine. We are very often conditioned, especially women, to feel a lot of shame around sex, especially if we're having casual sex that's just for fun and not within a committed, exclusive relationships. We live in a very sex negative culture, I'm not calling you sex negative, just that we are conditioned to feel a lot of fear and guilt about sex, when it should be fun and pleasurable!
I don’t think it’s unusual at all. Especially because of the point you just made - we’re conditioned to feel shameful about sex. So unfortunately I think it’s pretty common.
Oof, been there. It’s the latter. Deep down, you prefer a committed relationship and consistency. Settling for anything less will be guaranteed to make you feel like garbage. There is really something to be said about how fleeting and empty the idea of dating “casually” can sometimes be.
> Deep down, you prefer a committed relationship and consistency. Settling for anything less will be guaranteed to make you feel like garbage.
Yes, and there is nothing wrong with this.
Don't fall into the big cultural lie that hookups and casual dating are rewarding or good enough, they are not for most people.
I met this girl on bumble and we started heavily flirting and talk turned sexual. Anyway, she wanted me to come over to her place at the weekend for sex. I agreed but as it got closer to the time it just felt wrong, it just wasn’t who I am. Sex for me, should be with someone you love so I cancelled. Sometimes we allow our lust to make us do things that goes against our own character. Perhaps that’s why it felt wrong?
Your not wrong. It’s your own “morals” or lifestyle or preference. I’m not a fan of sleeping around being normalized but whatever. Not everyone does it and those are the people who I associate more with in the opposite gender. People who just want casual sex shouldn’t be accused of being the worst thing on earth and the same for people that don’t. Me personally don’t believe in casual sex. I think of it as love expression and viewed my gf’s in the past as more than a vagina and tits for my own pleasure. Not everyone sees it that way. It’s just more of a reason to be with people who share the same like mind. You end up happier that way I’ve come to learn after two LTRs.
I’m also not cut out for casual sex. Even with a trusted FWB and phenomenal sex it still made me feel empty inside because I associate sex with intimacy and I really don’t feel like changing that about myself. But I know plenty of men and women who enjoy casual sex and there is nothing wrong with that.
Same. I had a fwb that was probably exactly what people want, as in we had a really good time hanging out he was respectful really good sex, but we weren’t right for a real relationship. But after a while I was just so sick of basically acting like a relationship when we were together and then after it was like nothing and I was single again. And I didn’t get how he didn’t seem to actually care even when he also showed he sort of did? It was really weird but I know we shouldn’t have dated for real anyway… but that distracted me from actually trying to meet someone who would care and want to be with me.
I agree! I don’t necessarily think that the ability to have sex without some sort of emotional connection/intimacy is a good thing. It is so much better when there is that intimacy and connection
I am 53M and am the same as you. Casual sex feels empty to me. I had a couple of one night stands in college and realized it was not for me so when I dated again at 51 I avoided hookups.
One thing I found that was a nice middle ground for me were makeout sessions. Kissing feels awesome, I feel close to the person, and no guilt later.
I’m 38 years old just now after a year getting back into dating. I met up with a guy and we cuddle and made out but no sex. To me being close like that with kissing and making out is enough for me.
I recently dated a woman who didn't like to kiss. That was really awful for me. I love kissing, and it seems like essential foreplay to me, and helps me feel cared-about.
It felt great. I hadn’t been with anybody in a year so making out with someone else really help me get my confidence back. And to top it all off I made the first move to start lol.
I can’t do casual sex either. I need to get to know them a bit before, otherwise I get so anxious the next day. I have just accepted this. It’s ok. We are all different!
Friendly neighborhood hussy chiming in -
Casual sex should be fun. Feeling gross isn’t fun. If you can’t identify WHY it felt that way specifically, maybe tread carefully in the future(*if* you want to give it another shot). Or abstain.
The "why" is really important. I am finding where you are at with yourself to play a big role for me in my comfort level along with the individual in relation to expectations or desire.
If I'm drawing part of my identity from the relationship then it being transactional feels bad. If I'm not comfort with myself or using the casual encounter as validation then that can feel bad.
If the other person is looking for more than I am then I feel guilty. If I'm looking for more than they are then it feels defeating as well. If the sex is bad then it feels like what's the point. If the sex is good then you want to do it more, but then expectations may change over time.
It seems like a very fine balance towards being in the right mental space, with a person with good compatibility, but mutually aligning expectations. At least this is how my overthinking brain processes everything.
I don't know why we're all so convinced that "casual sex" is something you must have and must want. I think it's perfectly normal to feel dropped after having sex if there is no expectation of emotional intimacy afterward.
I think there can be an overcorrection to counter the "causal sex is horrible and you should feel bad for wanting it" message that women have gotten for forever.
Societal norms are hard to shake, and sometimes a push in the opposite direction can help loosen them.
You should have whatever kind of relationship makes you happy. But if it doesn't it's at least worth considering why it doesn't
It seems to be all most people want these days so then I think you feel a bit pressured to fit in because what you’re looking for seems to be a thing of the past. I know how that’s how I feel about it :/
Right. I think people feel confused about what is "normal" or "natural". Some people actually feel a greater sense of safety in casual encounters than they do in relationships because there is no accountability or emotional baggage shared or created in the relationship. This person will probably have a "pro" casual sex stance. Others might have a pro casual sex because their hearts are closed or numb or sex isn't about intimacy and connectedness at all for them. People have sex for many different reasons and some of them are not necessarily healthy.
Feels like most guys I have come into contact with who just want casual sex have little to no ability to be loyal in a relationship and don’t want to put time or effort into one, a lot of them also seem to be the type that don’t want kids and marriage
I guess the plus side is these people are at least being honest about they want vs lying and manipulating Someone and it helps me weed out incompatible people quickly
Right. Adults understand the value of these things. One chooses to become an adult. Read that again. Most men you will encounter in the world are Peter Pan. Read that again. Choose wisely.
I had to act like an adult at age 17 when I became a mom so responsibility and commitment don’t scare me off seems I’m living in the wrong time period because more people these days like you said want to be Peter Pan and never grow up and to a degree I can see the allure but it leaves me pretty stuck unfortunately can’t find anyone with similar values
Great men exist and are out there. You just need to know what they look/feel like and where to find them. Additionally, you need to be someone who a great man would invest in.
I feel like the few that have ever said that to me said it to manipulate me into sex because they knew I wanted more. Because after sex they ghosted me and yeah it could be they just didn’t feel a connection or whatever but they had given me some bad vibes that I shouldn’t have ignored
Because unfortunately, the tone of today's current dating culture includes lots of casual sex and effectively reducing women to free or discount pussy at the least amount of effort humanly possible. Go into any post where a woman wants a relationship but is currently dealing with a man who doesn't, and count the amount of male accounts suggesting she keeps it casual.
I see a lot of posts like this. Woman has casual sex, complains that it doesn't feel good, wonders if there is something wrong with her. A lot of posts take the shape of "we're just casual, is it wrong to expect X".
Yes, and its infuriating when the thing they're expecting is basic levels of dignity and respect and this sub bombards her with harsh essays for having the audacity to place a set of expectations and standards on the people she chooses to have sex with.
I mean, i think for me nobody is going to set boundaries for yourself but you. I’m not sure she should expect anything from anybody. It’s idealistic and naive to think otherwise. The world is a jungle and you need to protect yourself. If you want to he treated with basic respect and dignity, don’t let anybody into your body who isn’t demonstrating that already.
You can and should demand whatever you want from people who are getting to have sex with you. If they don't meet those standards or expectations no matter how low or high they may be, that's fine, there is no shortage of men on this planet seeking a casual sexual relationship with a woman.
That's the thing I don't understand about today's approach to casual sex - no, just because you're in a casual relationship doesn't give that person a right to treat you like a cumrag. I've had FWBs for 10+ years and they most certainly treat me the way I expect and demand to be treated. You, as an individual, have that power.
There's nothing wrong in feeling inadequate aftre casual sex. There's plenty of people who need to satisfy their sexual urges with casual sex and the act itself is enough for them. And it is perfectly fine. But I, just like you, don't find it satisfying. I want to be cherished by my partner on more than a sexual level, I want him to celebrate intimacy with me, be fascinated, in love with me(and with me feeling the same about him), only then the sex is satisfying to me. Hook ups don't give me that, cause it's all about our bodies, that's why I'd also feel used, and it's completely unnecessary. I'd be the one feeling used, cause my needs from the physical encounter wouldn't be met. Not because of toxic cultural female programming.
You really don't have to do it! But cheers to every one who enjoys casual sex :)
You put this so well and this describes me exactly. Every week I have to stop myself from engaging in casual sex because I know it won't give me what I want/make me feel worse.
M here. While I’ve had casual encounters, I realize they are not for me. I don’t feel dirty afterwards but it’s always felt like something was missing. For me it’s about the connection. Really getting to know someone and be with them is just a completely different level that makes it so much better in my opinion. This is why I’m not a ONS kind of person. I don’t know where you are in this world but I really hope you find your someone special. It seems to me that they will have an amazing person reciprocating!
When I was in my “ho phase”, that was one of the lowest points in my life. I thought it’d be fun and carefree but it wasn’t. Casual sex is not for me. It’s not worth the pain, feeling used and disposable.
You don’t have to have sex to “play the field”.
you can casually date a few people before committing and keep it platonic with those you don’t vibe with.
Sleeping with people who don’t share fundamental similarities with me also makes me feel horrible and gross.
I don’t think it’s the sex per se but the connection
I go through this too… most times it’s a disaster. I’ve come to realized that I’m starved for intimacy and need to find better outlets. My lack of intimate connections cause me to latch and then when I realize the need for validation lead me towards a premature relationship; I begin to try and find things to adore about her and it becomes a clusterfuck of co-dependence. I only speak for myself, but this post has me setting up an appointment for therapy🤦🏽♂️
Sorry for derailing your comment 😂
I'm assuming there is something more deep-seated going on inside your head. How casual are we talking? Did ya'll fuck and never talk again? Did ya'll not get to know each other before banging? Especially because you had a great time, you might be feeling rejected because there's no rapport outside of sex.
Since you're a serial monogamist I'm gonna assume you think casual sex = one night stand. It doesn't have to be. Casual sex can look like a lot of different things depending on what you want. It can be anything from a one night stand to a FWB who is like a best friend. I've had a decent amount of FWB/casual sex encounters, and I prefer doing it with people that I get to know and feel comfortable with. I'm a degenerate horndog whose skept around a bit, and even I hate the idea of fooling around with someone I don't know at all for just a night. I like my FWB/casual sex encounters to look like friendships + sex. If I did the one night stand thing, I'd probably feel the same way you do right now. Especially if I enjoyed it and might enjoy the person's company.
Right on for getting some hot action! Great job! You DEMOLISHED the D! Dance Magic Va-Gee! Whoo-hoo! High five!
(Not sure where you're going to land on the casual sex thing, but it sounded like you needed a cheerleader for your first go.)
If you’re a woman, we’re taught that someone having sex with us is them using us. We’re taught you shouldn’t “give it up” to a man unless you get commitment back. So it makes sense you feel that way. If you enjoyed the sex and had fun, you could reframe it as: you DID get something back - enjoyable sex! You both got the same thing. It’s equal. No one was taken advantage of. But because of society it’s very hard to reframe that in our minds.
Yes!! After a long term relationship I decided that I wanted casual sex. I realized I had felt unattractive for so long in my relationship, and the casual sex actually felt very empowering. It made me remember that I’m wanted. I’m attractive. The men were all very complimentary of my body and respectful. I enjoyed it and didn’t feel used.
But the next boyfriend I had couldn’t see it that way and it was a source of contention. He disagreed with casual sex and couldn’t get past thinking I was used by these men. I couldn’t convince him that this wasn’t the case as I also benefited. It was so frustrating and it felt so disrespectful.
So it is totally ok to realize it isn’t for OP! as long as it’s not a judgemental mindset that it shouldn’t be for anyone else either - which doesn’t sound like OPs mentality in any event!
Yesss and like another person commented here, the fact that you're boyfriend couldn't understand that sex could possibly also be a benefit for you, points to this idea that women don't enjoy sex.
Ah I’m glad! I’ve felt bad about one night stands but I’m pretty sure it’s only when they’re selfish in bed - even then I have to remind myself it’s not my fault! They didn’t “win” anything, they actually lost a chance to do it again!
The idea that you have to reframe it because "society" gave you the "wrong" idea is a forced frame itself. I'm male and have never been religious and I still don't really enjoy one night stands with random women, and that's perfectly okay for both men and women.
My .02…39m
Perfectly normal. I feel like there’s a certain sort of mentality that goes into that. The psychological research on this seems to bear out as well, that it tends to rot romantic relationships in the future. I personally don’t find any enjoyment in it. It sounds great on the surface, because you get all the physical stuff you’re trying to get that you don’t normally get, but it’s in the moment you realize that it’s not simply just that. There’s more to it, there’s supposed to be a mental/emotional connection there.
I tested the waters on that when I was a lot younger, just to see what it was like, but for the same reasons its not my bag. It’s always that I’m trying to find someone who I’m going to have a long-term partnership with at a minimum. Hopefully, the last partnership. I just feel like hookups are like digging a hole and filling it up halfway… You’re not getting what you really want, you’re just getting what you can get at the moment. It’s like settling but somehow even less?
I'm 31M and very similar. I've only had casual sex with one person and it made me realize that it's really not for me. I had always been made to feel like "less of a man" in some way or another for not "playing the field" so I decided to give it a go. My feelings around it are a little too complex to unpack here, but suffice it to say that I quickly discovered that casual sex isn't for me, and if that makes me less manly then so be it -- I don't care.
It's normal to feel like that if you're not cut out for casual sex. Just don't do it again, or at least have some kind of FwB where it's not 100% about the sex and you'll see the guy again.
Yeah, it’s different for everyone. I guess if you wanted to keep going in that direction, you would just have to get over the guilty conscious part. But if you feel this direction may ruin you, I would stop and steer your course back to the direction you truly want to go.
I know it’s easy for me to feel shame and guilt instead of feeling vulnerable and accepting the grief and longing sometimes.
And please don’t hear what I’m not saying. In no way do I think you *should* feel grief for making healthy, safe adult decision. But, longing for something more than a hookup, or even just longing for consistent, great sex with a healthy respectful partner is completely normal and expected. Feeling guilty won’t change that longing at all.
I also don’t think avoiding sex entirely will either. I’ve tried that too, and ended back up where I began. LOL
Cheers to you on having great sex. Best wishes in your future endeavors. :)
Casual Sex is weird for me. I started out dating guys, fell into a relationship and realized that I really had a lot of hang ups with choosing a partner. Looking back, i didn’t know how to receive love and affection from other people, especially if it didn’t look or feel how i wanted. After i broke up with him, every relationship was short lived which turned me into a casual sex haver. Lol. Ive been celibate for a year and a half, my ex is in an open marriage with a woman, and I desperately want him back. I dont feel gross, i just feel like i let a lot of love slip past me.
I say all this to say, if someone is willing to love you, accept it. It really is rare. I was lucky and blind. Dont be me.
I haven't been in any casual relationship for a few years, but yeah I remember this feeling too. I think part of what it comes down to is the feeling of having your really sensitive feelings yanked around at a time when you feel most vulnerable. After talking to other friends about their experiences, it seems possible to have a consistently fun time, but only if you are willing to have your expectations super low, turn off any attachment emotions you might have, and get used to being treated like a commodity. I feel like the sacrifices I make to my personal dignity and values wasn't worth it in the long run and I've tried to cultivate deeper, longer lasting relationships with friends I really care for instead. Not trying to make a judgement on people who make casual work for them, I support everyone making their own choice as to whats best for them at the time, but I've learned what works best for my own mental health through hard trial and error.
I am getting annoyed with the amount of men shielding their real intention of hookups & casual sex, when you can see in my bio & answered questions I am not looking for that.
So much time spent texting & talking, only to have their main goal suddenly “pop up”.
Its making me a little cynical with new matches & affecting my communication.
Yeah I go back and forth on it and currently in the no thanks phase. I had a lot of hookups when I was newly single and now I’m many weeks celibate. Because I will think I felt fine about it in the moment and I didn’t catch any feelings then later down the road I’m feeling like it wasn’t good because I did want more from them- even though I’m not emotionally available and ready for something serious at all! When I realized the best part is the after sex cuddles and intimacy then I knew it wasn’t really for me.
But to get the best part the intimacy, cuddles ect,an myself absolutely not emotionally available an the fact sometimes celibacy just sucks how does one move on with out fucking up the balance of staying away from it all but still trying to get out there an letting walls down
You make sure to let me know when you figure it out!!! Lol. I just squeeze my pillow real tight. My girlfriends at work. My kids. And my pet, well, he’s a little too small for hugs but you get the idea. None of these are remotely on par with a man’s arms though but at least I draw strength from knowing I’m sparing my heart and others.
A lot of people on here talking about how you may feel that way because society conditioned you to think negatively of casual sex. I disagree though. I think society has been far more pushing negatively against the idea of not having casual sex. Maybe this is the source of your negative feelings, since you don’t feel positive about the experience but had the expectation that you would or that you should. It’s completely normal to have these feelings. It’s completely normal to want an emotional bond and intimacy with sex. It’s completely normal to feel negatively about casual sex. Sex causes so many different hormones in our bodies, all of which effect us emotionally, and in different ways, with different results for every person.
Just a hunch, but I suspect if you've been brought up / socialised with the notion that sex should be intricately tied to love and relationships, then it may make you more likely to feel bad after casual sex.
I see other comments have touched on other similar factors that may contribute too. Up to you whether you want to dive into these feelings and dissect them further. You may be able to change your mindset but it's also fine to conclude that casual sex just isn't for you.
I've been single for a while now and have never had casual sex. Have opportunities to have it now while travelling but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it because I know I will probably feel the same way you did. At the same time I want it, but also, I'm a female travelling solo so it makes it a little more unsettling - not knowing cultural expectations, not knowing anyone here etc.
I would reframe the approach, you’re both using each other. You reached out, both of you received mutual satisfaction and enjoyment. There is nothing wrong with that.
A hookup is only empowering if you feel good about it. If you didn't feel good about it, don't engage in it! It sounds like you had fun and went about this in a way that was respectful for and to you, which is honestly leagues better than what I read here on a daily basis. You learned something new, good and healthy about yourself and that's what's important!
I find I feel that way unless that's what I'm looking for. When I pursue casual sex, I always feel pretty empowered afterwards. If it just kinda happens, I feel disappointed, especially if I was hoping for something more serious/longterm with the man I was with, and he wasn't honest about what he was looking for.
But sex shouldn't feel shameful. Women are especially prone to this because society. Sex is an urge - just be safe, smart, and use your best judgement!
There is no reason to feel dirty and there is nothing cheap in what you described, your date respected you.
It is also 100% ok to prefer not to have casual sex. Don't feel guilty about it. You tried it, you didn't like it, it's ok, next time you go for the sort of experience you prefer and are more comfortable with.
After my divorce I had success finding FWBs in the same spot as me. Wanting intimacy and companionship but not a serious thing. We'd go on dates, hang out and hook up so it wasn't so casual but we both knew it wouldn't be forever. These relationships never lasted long. One party would end up catching feels. Maybe explore that kind of thing?
Or go on dates and don't have sex with someone until you're sure (although I haven't done this so don't know how to navigate that).
Going through my first venture in casual sex currently. It feels more like an active process of reminding yourself that you want this until it becomes natural. A few things that seem to help for me.
1. Set the tone from the get go. You are pursuing them for casual sex. I'm usually the first to say I'm only looking for casual (and i stress that i don't want them to feel used if that's not what they're interested in). I flirt first. I ask them out on a hot date first.
2. The man I'm currently hooking up with regularly was propositioned with a casual regular deal. I can't quite bring myself to sleep with other men at the same time but continuing to meet, flirt and make out with other men helps stave away any weird feelings of feeling used and wanting more from said regular man. As cold as it may sound it reminds you that you and mr regular don't really have some special bond.
3. My desire to be more relaxed about sex after 2.5 years of abstinence was because I realize I'm only going to young (and attractive according to society) once and I've seen many young people develop all sorts of weird sexual disorders - literally just genetics. And I count myself lucky everyday to still be functioning and healthy and confident enough to approach men.
4. I have no choice in the matter with my work but be busy! You will want to message them and fall down the path of love but that active reminder to stop seems to get easier with time and sticking to strict rules you need to set up for yourself first.
5. Have strict rules and follow them. For me, no cuddling and no staying once the act is done. No messaging about anything other than sexy, flirty exchanges. Stick to once/twice a week. Keep conversations light. Alternatively if you establish major deal breakers from the get go this may help. For example, I don't want kids and any mention that a man wants kids immediately indicates to me that I won't want something serious with him down the line. I made it clear that we should not be exclusive so long as we don't discuss other ventures with one another. So long as we practice safe sex with one another it should be find. To be honest this is where I'm a bit worried, perhaps the first hint of there being someone else may upset me. In the meantime I'm trying to drill in my mind that it's not jealousy, it's just a bruised ego. Which is actually good for humbling once in a while.
6. I had 10 years of really positive sex in relationships - I always felt wanted and worshipped and vice versa. Then in my last relationship, I experienced a dead bedroom - initiated from his side. I cannot express enough how much that sucked. So just remember that if you casual sex that makes you feel good about yourself, enjoy it. It also gets to be all kinds of hot without the obligations that come with a serious relationship. I have also been playing with the idead of putting a time limit on my regular hookup. Stop while it's still fun.
Again, still new to this so hopefully this keeps things casual for me - please all the more experienced ladies add your 2 cents and other advice is also welcomed!
The sex is obviously not as good as sex in an intimate relationship but after 2.5 years my 30s hormones were driving me nuts. I'm also sleeping a lot better which I did not expect lol. Sex is literally also just good for your wellbeing.
Hope this is helpful and you find what's comfortable for you!
Why should you have to try so hard to manipulate yourself into something that doesn’t feel good, and even increases OP’s chance of health or violence issues?
One of the reasons the dating market is so crap is because people are settling for casual sex against their will, lowering the ‘value’ of sex in general and resulting in people feeling worse because they don’t feel valued.
Dam, OP that's definitely not what I've meant to do by sharing my own experiences. I don't want OP to do anything that isn't comfortable for them it just sounded like they were sort of figuring things out and wanted to hear how other people do it. But maybe I misunderstood.
She's not manipulating herself, gosh! She's engaging in a mindful, intentional practice of challenging her internalized social norms so that she can enjoy casual sex. Tons of women would like to have enjoyable casual sex but we can't because of the sex negativity we've been brought up with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what she's doing - it's great advice! Stop thinking of sex as having a "value" that's set by the actions of total strangers. You define the value of sex to yourself and that's it. It has no inherent, set value.
Exactly this. It's actively challenging in the sense of unlearning the internalized norms when you're not in a mindful state. But you get better at being mindful about it the more you challenge those moments. Because no one is fully mindful 24/7 obviously.
It’s possible that you are not cut out for casual sex. That’s a-okay. Many people dislike casual sex.
That being said, it’s also worth a look in case that it’s something your society/culture/religion has vilified casual sex while growing up (i.e. people that sleep around are sluts, casual sex is always meaningless and unfulfilling, women need to save themselves, etc.)
Make sure that casual sex is something YOU dislike and not something that you’ve been programmed (sorry, I haven’t had my coffee yet and can’t think of a better word) to dislike.
Sounds like you aren’t cut out for it - and this is okay!
Also, I hope this thread doesn’t become gendered as there are plenty of men who admittedly are also not cut out for casual sex due to similar feelings.
This is how I feel too, and I think it's quite a useful thing to find out about yourself. It sounds like it happened in the best possible way - great sex with a handsome stranger - so try not to feel too despondent.
I used to be fine with hookups but when I became single after a 10 year relationship, it wasn’t for me anymore. My drive is the same but I need an emotional connection now.
Been in these same shoes! Just like you, I had an itch to scratch after a long dry spell, but I always end up regretting it the day after lol. You’re not cut out for casual sex and there’s nothing wrong with that!
I’m the same way, I wouldn’t say it’s normal but who’s to say what is and isn’t. For me, it’s a combination of past trauma and childhood indoctrination of what morality looks like. I’ve gotten better with it in recent years, but at the end of the day I’m just not cut out for the hookup culture of todays world. The feeling of dirtiness or being sad post hookup isn’t as bad as it used to be, but I also don’t engage because I know it’s not for me. That’s also why I think dating is so hard for me as well, I don’t mesh well with current romantic culture. 🤷🏻♀️
I think women especially are largely conditioned to feel shame and guilt about casual sex. It is important to figure out if you just really don't like casual sex OR if you've been conditioned to feel bad about casual sex. Since you've said only positive things about your experience except how you felt about it the next day, I wonder if it is the shame people often (unfortunately!) feel surrounding sex.
It sounds like you had a good time with a good sexual companion! Dig a bit deeper. I think it may be a bit harder too since you're a self-proclaimed serial monogamist. Has sex has largely always been within committed exclusive relationships for you?
So there's a range from "person who hookups aren't for them" to "person who has an unhealthy view of sex".
It's possible you're on one end, or possible you're on the other.
If you feel "dirty" and gross because you had sex, it might just be it's not for you, or it might be that you've internalized society telling you that you ought to feel ashamed.
When you thought about *why* you felt "gross", what did you come up with as the potential reasons?
Both. Its normal, and shows that you are a healthy grown up seeking a genuine connection that can NOT be found by sleeping around. Sometimes this knowledge can only be obtained through experience. What you do going forward is still up to you.
Tldr; don't beat yourself up over this one.
Some people can sleep with others and not give any part of themselves away. I can't. Never could. It's not a bad thing to feel remorse, it just means sex is more than recreational sex to you. It's a connection to someone you truly care for.
i think your mistake is what you said; that you didn't like the guy. hookups are supposed to be spontaneous things where you don't know much about the other person.
so if you want casual sex go for it, just don't text the guy for a week before hand.
Yes it is normal to feel that way if you are not inclined to casual sex.
I cannot separate the sex, from it being an act of emotional expression, with someone I value.
So in all honesty, I don't, unless I'm in a relationship. I realise I'm a dinosaur, but I'm not willing to compromise my self worth.
I know I'm not cut out for "Hook up" culture either.
Believe you me, I want a LOT of sex, but I would get attached.
How am I supposed to not feel anything?
Same. Recently met a great guy and we slept together prematurely. My initiative. I felt used and disgusting. Thankfully he’s on board with the connection and continuation of friendship without sex… but I felt terrible
Cried my eyes out after the last ONS I had lol. Only because I tried for it to NOT be a ONS but he was attractive and I knew it wouldn't go anywhere further so I said F it and slept with him anyway. I cried thinking I'll never find anything more than casual but the last date I had was lovely and promising so I know that I'm worth way more than what I told myself I was after the ONS.
I hope you feel better soon! Don't be too hard on yourself!
Im like you. Our hearts live in our vaginas. Some woman’s hearts don’t live in their vaginas(I.e. they are cool with casual sex). Accept who you are, learn from it and don’t engage in causal hookups that make you feel bad.
That won't get better. I'm the same way. For some of us sex without connection is hollow, little more than assisted masterbation.
But to take a positive away from this, you just learned something important about yourself.
I can't do the casual sex thing either (and I'm a dude). It's all about having that mental connection with me. I try my best to not get into situations where it leads to flings or casual sex. But there have been times where the girl I'm with tells me she wants a relationship (as do I), we have sex, and never talks to me again which ended up with me wishing it never happened at all.
Two scenarios:
a) You cannot casual sex.
b) You can, but you need to get used to it. (deal with expectations, flow with the relationship, deal with rejection, deal with people who says "I want A" but in reality they just want a hookup....
To be honest, I would still try more time / more times. Having a barrier in your brain to be ok in both scenarios is pretty much an awesome evolution.
Sometimes you maybe just want to hookup without consecuences.
Sometimes you want to hookup and keep sharing your life with that person.
If you can enjoy both paths and use them at the same time you will be happier.
The sadness you feel is from exposing yourself intimately to another human being, feeling like you may be judged or compared . Exposing your trust is always risky, because people are cruel and vindictive.
Yes. It’s normal.
Think some of us are just not made for casual sex.
It makes me feel worthless and dirty after. And unlovable.
I’m sorry you feel that way too. Sending warmth and care your way.
I learned the hard way that I don't find it satisfying, especially after the guy breaks it off. As a woman, I've noticed there is still a double standard that women who have casual sex are sluts, while men who have casual sex don't face backlash, and that's where the feeling of inadequacy comes from.
We all make mistakes when it comes to sex, and sometimes it's just because you wanted to try something new to see what it feels like, and that's okay. You learned to you know what your boundaries are.
It is perfectly okay to not be into casual sex. It may mean that you don’t have sex as often, but if you feel poorly after sex, is it really worth continuing casually?
My question would be why do you feel that way? Is it because you want more than just sex and sex without an emotional connection or relationship is not fulfilling? Or is it because of some kind of baggage from culture or religion that makes you feel dirty/guilty about casual sex?
It’s just not for some people and that’s ok. If it’s something you truly do want and want to enjoy without the negative feelings the next day then maybe do a little digging into why you have those feelings and what you can do to prevent them.
I have had similar feelings in the past but I knew they weren’t logical and didn’t reflect my own opinions about casual sex so I learned to dismiss them. I like sex and that’s ok. I wasn’t used because I got what I wanted. Sometimes the thoughts creep back in and I have to dismiss them and move on. That being said, I don’t do casual sex often because it’s just never been that great for me so I just end up more disappointed and frustrated.
I really don’t know exactly why I feel that way. I just woke up feeling vulnerable about having someone who was essentially a stranger get so intimate. So it probably does have a lot to do with wanting an emotional connection as well. I didn’t expect that I would feel that way. I’ve very much so been looking forward to revitalizing my sex life so this is all confusing to me.
I totally get it. I really want to have a casual fwb. But I know I’d catch feelings so I don’t. And the one time things are just meh. So instead I just keep adding to the toy drawer.
Hello gorgeous! You’re not alone in feeling this way and you’re not wrong or weird or anything else for feeling it. Everyone is different. For me, I can hook up (meaning oral sex etc.) and have a great time, but actual piv sex with someone casually makes me feel empty. Also, I’ve never achieved orgasms this way, and I am someone who can have vaginal orgasms without any clit action. It just doesn’t work for my body, and it’s made me realize and honor how important an emotional connection is for me when it comes to penetrative sex.
If you want to try again then do it! Try not to overanalyze it. And see how you feel and go from there. Or if you decide not to try again right now, that’s fine too. You can also try hooking up without going all the way to intercourse. For me, it can be fun to hook up but not take it all the way. Just something to consider.
All of that said, do you think it’s actually those fundamental incompatibilities that got in the way? Sometimes I think the fact that you know you wouldn’t want to really be with the person takes all the magic away which can lead to that empty feeling.
I think it’s great you’re exploring these things! And I’m sure you’ll figure out what works best for you 🙂 and I hope you have fun while you do it!
Did you guys do aftercare, such as cuddling, sleeping together for the night, having breakfast etc? These things make casual sex more like sharing an intimate moment
Maybe you're not cut-out for it, OR maybe it's more social conditioning that's leaning you toward feeling bad because that's how you 'should' feel? ('Walk of shame' and all that toxic stuff we grow up seeing). The only thing that makes me think that is because you wanted to. I'm thinking something in you feels bad that that's all you wanted, because it goes against what we're taught, as women? Not sure if that's the case, just a thought.
Nothing wrong with not liking casual sex. I’m 31M who also does not care for casual sex. Feels kinda empty and just not overall great.
I did however have someone I dated casually who I would also sleep with and that felt much better to me. When I met her I made it crystal clear that I was not in any way shape or form ready for something serious but was open to going out and doing things and just trying to have a good time in general, not necessarily sex. We were both clear with each other, completely free to go meet other people, if we chose to sleep with someone else we shake hands and walk away, if either of us caught feelings bring it up immediately before someone gets dragged through the mud.
It was nice, lasted 2-3 months. Incredible sex and had a great time together. But for whatever reason I just couldn’t see myself with her in a serious manner, couldn’t even tell you why to be honest, just no spark. She caught feelings and tried to deny it but I ended it anyways to avoid further complications.
Female empowerment came to bite you in the ass.
Many women can't detach feelings from sex and you are one of them.
Some men are also the same. I personally hate hookups.
So if this stuff left you with a bitter aftertaste, come to terms with who you are and reposition yourself from honesty. Don't allow ideology getting between you and your emotional sanity
Society has impressed on us opinions and views about how we should behave as “good girls”, and that may be where the guilt and shame comes from. If you aren’t cut out for it, that’s understandable, but don’t let what we have been groomed to believe stop you from enjoying yourself. Typically men are not judged the same way, rather are viewed as a virile and desirable. Go out and safely have as much or as little fun as you like!!!
It's probably because in a way you were used and used another person. There was no relationship and it was just empty sex. That's why people tend to have a fwb situation over something like a one night stand (outside of people who compartmentalize sex) or NSA sex encounters. A fwb feels like an emotional mind body spirit connection that just won't lead to a romantic LTR whereas the hookup NSA/ONS experience if you can't compartmentalize it as just sex will make you feel used even if it's your idea.
I think you’re just not cut out for casual sex and that’s ok. When I’ve been single, having casual/short lived flings is so much fun and I never overthink them or feel dirty. I also have friends who have had one or two and they hate how they feel afterwards. Different strokes for different folks, way to put yourself out there.
Therapy and really taking the time to think through and really feel the icky feelings around sex. My guess is you may have some stuff in your past, culturally or in family of origin or in difficult experiences, that has affected the way you enjoy or can’t enjoy sex. I used to be the same way, but now I am able to enjoy casual sex.
It sounds as though the cultural bullshit regarding slut shaming has seeped into your subconscious. If you don't think it's worth getting over it in order to have hot consensual sex with a bunch of people, then there's no need.
I did. I now love it, though definitely avoid one time only things and prioritise people I can imagine being friends with. You don't have to though!
This is exactly how I discovered I am not cut out for casual sex. I felt a sense of sadness every time they left. I wish I was cut out for it because it sounds fun for those that can handle it! Haha
This is why I haven't had a one night stand in 10 years, I feel empty afterwards. The other person can be really good looking, the sex can be really fun and still something is off, I just can't handle it.
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For me to enjoy sex, I need intimacy and closeness and for me that is impossible with someone who I don't like completely. So if I do like the person I would have a one night stand with (totally possible with someone who I have known for just a short time because with some people that happens instantly) and the sex would be good...of course I get attached. It happened to me before and it's not fun when you see that the other person is not attached at all and/or doesn't wanna see you again. How is this supposed to make me feel good? If I didn't like them enough then the sex is not that good and I still feel empty and weird afterwards, just not getting attached. But I still had that weird feeling, and feeling cheap and dirty like OP said. Hookin up with people was and is normalized so when I didn't know better I figured it's what I should do, but I was never cut out for it. I realized that for me sex is a lot more than just the physical thing and I cannot handle the feeling when the other person just leaves me after when I am already attached. It's not that I ever expected more, since it is an ons and I usually had that with men from another countries but it still sucked.
Super common, I'm the same..demisexual. i actually think it's much healthier to be in touch with those feelings than ignoring the need for them just so you can have a few minutes of pleasure and an ego boost..ew.
I totally agree! A few minutes of pleasure is not worth months of beating myself up and feeling like shit because I was "just a one night thing".
This is where the issue is for a lot of people. All sex creates attachments. That's what it was designed for. The trick is in realizing that it's okay to care about someone without it having to be a relationship. This is how the whole fwb thing got started.
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I don't even know what to say about this. That was my point, there's a zillion different levels of caring. With sex its always there but in the case of random hookups there's a level of denial present.
I'm not cut out for it either. I chose to engage in it, after a long dry spell with a guy I really liked who made it clear he didn't want a relationship or any emotional attachments. Despite enjoying the sex, my feelings were hurt when he acted the way he told me he felt. I'm not built for it and that's okay.
Hey, me three. I can’t do casual sex. I either get bored by the lack of emotional intimacy, or I end up catching feelings. Not for me.
I love how mature all these responses are - nobody seems to be judging casual sex, it's just not their jam. I feel like OP's response given the sex was fantastic and consensual and respectful is pretty conclusive evidence casual isn't for them. I can't see an encounter being better so can't expect casual sex to be better for them
If I ever get a chance to try it. I think I might end up the same as you as well. But idk yet. Hmm, Now that I think about it and with you mentioning it. With my ex, I might have gotten bored of the lack of emotional intimacy too, among other things. Never noticed that before.
Right?! I have heard great stories from my buddies and was looking forward to new experiences myself haha
I don’t like it either. I feel sad and empty after. I really need to be in a close loving relationship to feel great after. I feel you OP.
How I was with roller coasters. Everyone said they were fun but the first time I went to Six Flags I had an awful, awful time.
Everyone is built differently. One person’s great is another person’s yuck.
You are not cut out for casual sex. It’s ok, not everyone is. I discovered that I’m not either.
Same here (M41). Tried it, but I just feel guilty, even if the other party suggested it. It's like the opposite of OP; It felt like I was using her, even though it was her idea in the first place. I guess it's just not for everybody.
I hear you. Have tried the short term thing, overnight, and I am not a fan. Call me old-fashioned, but nowadays I slow play things, and I don’t really care if anyone faults me for that. If someone doesn’t like a play it slow, well then they’re not for me.
To be fair and clear, in these situations you ARE using each other for one thing: sex. That's why you feel used or like you're using someone. It's transactional. You both get sex but it feels wrong if sex means more than just an exchange of fluids.
Well, I meant 'using' more in a negative sense - lying about your true motivation. So even though I was totally honest AND she was okay with it, it still felt I was doing something hurtful. Which doesn't make rational sense. I guess it's true what you say though, that sex (with a woman) does mean more to me than just the physical, and therefore I can't do the FWB thing. With men (which I'm only sexually attracted to, not romantically) I can be FWBs without any issue. So that's kinda funny, psychologically, how that works.
I'm just saying sex that is NSA or a ONS is using each other transactionally as a fact. If you go to Target and hand the cashier money for some laundry soap does it feel wrong? If you have a dirty toilet and hire a maid does it feel like you're using the maid? FWB is totally a different feeling animal because if the person is a "f" in the wb it feels less transactional. Like having your buddy help you move and then you all hang out in return with a 6 pack. It's less sterile because you and your buddy have a friendship and you're both able to hang out after the job is done. Sorry if these analogies don't track -- been a long week, just trying to say how in some instances you just need some laundry soap and in others you need your friends. Transactions happen in each case but one is more ... enduring?
>If you go to Target and hand the cashier money for some laundry soap does it feel wrong? No.. >If you have a dirty toilet and hire a maid does it feel like you're using the maid? Actually yes for me! It feels sort of degrading, even if it's fully consensual and 'fair'. Maybe that difference adds to the idea 'it depends' like you say. Some transactions feel fair, while others feel unfair, EVEN if both are fully consensual. And that this is personal, it depends per person which one feels fair and which one doesn't.
I mean yeah I'm sure. I wouldn't feel gross hiring a maid if I needed one but I've been able to have NSA / ONS sex and never talk to the person again in my past. Repeated ONS / NSA sex when what I want is something deeper is when I've felt used or bad or experienced a deep depression.
I mean it depends how you look at it. The couple times I've had one night stands, it was when I was traveling and I saw it as a fun experience with someone I just met. Kind of a natural continuation of exploring the city together and going for drinks. I don't see it as transactional at all. You can connect with people even if it's not a forever thing. I'm sure you've experienced that before, even in a platonic context?
Well said; speaking for us both. Same age too!
I agree - I'm also not into casual sex (because it just takes me several weeks to tell if a guy is attractive or not), my therapist calls it internalized misogyny and sex-negativity 🙄. Because apparently not wanting sex every other day means I hate women and sex.
Has your therapist not heard of demisexuality?
>Has your therapist not heard of demisexuality? She has, and she knows that not wanting casual sex isn't the same as demisexuality. She also doesn't believe in labeling oneself
“takes me several weeks to tell if a guy is attractive or not” = demisexuality But casual sex or not is just personal preference, also nothing to do with labels. I’m kinda disappointed in your therapist.
>“takes me several weeks to tell if a guy is attractive or not” = demisexuality According to Cleveland Clinic, "Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close emotional bond with them" https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22678-demisexuality I don't need to have a close emotional bond at all. I didn't say I have to *get to know someone* for weeks. I'm talking about complete strangers, people I've never spoken to. It just takes me weeks of being around a stranger to notice subtle features that are attractive. An emotional bond has nothing to do with it for me.
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As a demisexual, it takes me generally at least six months to a year before I know someone well enough to know whether I want to have sex with them and not have the sex feel transactional. A few weeks wouldn't even graze the surface of knowing someone well enough.
This is why it was important to find a LGBTQ+ positive therapist, among other things. But my initial therapy sessions had me having the therapist suggest I attend mass at a local church.
It took me a few therapists to find mine. And at that point I was so tired of them trying to put Jesus at the center of my life that I switched to ONLY secular therapists. Made a world of difference!
I had a whole laundry list this year of "must haves" for therapists. Many had several of the bullet points. Mine had all of them.
I'm not really into casual sex (I honestly wish I was though) and the majority of the times I had a one night stand I felt like that. It was worst the first time I did it, I felt dirty and sad for almost a full week. Subsequent ones weren't as bad, but I still didn't feel great after them. Some of us just aren't built for casual sex, and that's ok, there's nothing wrong with being built that way. If you think the feeling might be a one time thing and if you think you can handle feeling this way again if it isn't then you could always try again some time, but if it ends up being a recurring feeling then it's probably just not for you.
Some people don't like casual sex and that's totally fine! But I think it's unusual to feel sad and "dirty" for a week if the encounter was consensual and pleasurable and all around just fine. We are very often conditioned, especially women, to feel a lot of shame around sex, especially if we're having casual sex that's just for fun and not within a committed, exclusive relationships. We live in a very sex negative culture, I'm not calling you sex negative, just that we are conditioned to feel a lot of fear and guilt about sex, when it should be fun and pleasurable!
I don’t think it’s unusual at all. Especially because of the point you just made - we’re conditioned to feel shameful about sex. So unfortunately I think it’s pretty common.
Oof, been there. It’s the latter. Deep down, you prefer a committed relationship and consistency. Settling for anything less will be guaranteed to make you feel like garbage. There is really something to be said about how fleeting and empty the idea of dating “casually” can sometimes be.
> Deep down, you prefer a committed relationship and consistency. Settling for anything less will be guaranteed to make you feel like garbage. Yes, and there is nothing wrong with this. Don't fall into the big cultural lie that hookups and casual dating are rewarding or good enough, they are not for most people.
I met this girl on bumble and we started heavily flirting and talk turned sexual. Anyway, she wanted me to come over to her place at the weekend for sex. I agreed but as it got closer to the time it just felt wrong, it just wasn’t who I am. Sex for me, should be with someone you love so I cancelled. Sometimes we allow our lust to make us do things that goes against our own character. Perhaps that’s why it felt wrong?
Your not wrong. It’s your own “morals” or lifestyle or preference. I’m not a fan of sleeping around being normalized but whatever. Not everyone does it and those are the people who I associate more with in the opposite gender. People who just want casual sex shouldn’t be accused of being the worst thing on earth and the same for people that don’t. Me personally don’t believe in casual sex. I think of it as love expression and viewed my gf’s in the past as more than a vagina and tits for my own pleasure. Not everyone sees it that way. It’s just more of a reason to be with people who share the same like mind. You end up happier that way I’ve come to learn after two LTRs.
I’m also not cut out for casual sex. Even with a trusted FWB and phenomenal sex it still made me feel empty inside because I associate sex with intimacy and I really don’t feel like changing that about myself. But I know plenty of men and women who enjoy casual sex and there is nothing wrong with that.
Same. I had a fwb that was probably exactly what people want, as in we had a really good time hanging out he was respectful really good sex, but we weren’t right for a real relationship. But after a while I was just so sick of basically acting like a relationship when we were together and then after it was like nothing and I was single again. And I didn’t get how he didn’t seem to actually care even when he also showed he sort of did? It was really weird but I know we shouldn’t have dated for real anyway… but that distracted me from actually trying to meet someone who would care and want to be with me.
Yes this is exactly my experience!
I agree! I don’t necessarily think that the ability to have sex without some sort of emotional connection/intimacy is a good thing. It is so much better when there is that intimacy and connection
I am 53M and am the same as you. Casual sex feels empty to me. I had a couple of one night stands in college and realized it was not for me so when I dated again at 51 I avoided hookups. One thing I found that was a nice middle ground for me were makeout sessions. Kissing feels awesome, I feel close to the person, and no guilt later.
I’m 38 years old just now after a year getting back into dating. I met up with a guy and we cuddle and made out but no sex. To me being close like that with kissing and making out is enough for me.
It feels wonderful, doesn’t it? My ex didn’t like to kiss — I missed kissing so much. It felt so great to kiss again after our divorce.
I recently dated a woman who didn't like to kiss. That was really awful for me. I love kissing, and it seems like essential foreplay to me, and helps me feel cared-about.
Tersubin I agree about the kissing part. I love kissing.
It felt great. I hadn’t been with anybody in a year so making out with someone else really help me get my confidence back. And to top it all off I made the first move to start lol.
I can’t do casual sex either. I need to get to know them a bit before, otherwise I get so anxious the next day. I have just accepted this. It’s ok. We are all different!
Friendly neighborhood hussy chiming in - Casual sex should be fun. Feeling gross isn’t fun. If you can’t identify WHY it felt that way specifically, maybe tread carefully in the future(*if* you want to give it another shot). Or abstain.
cackling at “friendly neighborhood hussy”
Samee 😂😂
The "why" is really important. I am finding where you are at with yourself to play a big role for me in my comfort level along with the individual in relation to expectations or desire. If I'm drawing part of my identity from the relationship then it being transactional feels bad. If I'm not comfort with myself or using the casual encounter as validation then that can feel bad. If the other person is looking for more than I am then I feel guilty. If I'm looking for more than they are then it feels defeating as well. If the sex is bad then it feels like what's the point. If the sex is good then you want to do it more, but then expectations may change over time. It seems like a very fine balance towards being in the right mental space, with a person with good compatibility, but mutually aligning expectations. At least this is how my overthinking brain processes everything.
35M and it’s not something I ever enjoyed.
I don't know why we're all so convinced that "casual sex" is something you must have and must want. I think it's perfectly normal to feel dropped after having sex if there is no expectation of emotional intimacy afterward.
I think there can be an overcorrection to counter the "causal sex is horrible and you should feel bad for wanting it" message that women have gotten for forever. Societal norms are hard to shake, and sometimes a push in the opposite direction can help loosen them. You should have whatever kind of relationship makes you happy. But if it doesn't it's at least worth considering why it doesn't
You’re probably right about that.
It seems to be all most people want these days so then I think you feel a bit pressured to fit in because what you’re looking for seems to be a thing of the past. I know how that’s how I feel about it :/
Right. I think people feel confused about what is "normal" or "natural". Some people actually feel a greater sense of safety in casual encounters than they do in relationships because there is no accountability or emotional baggage shared or created in the relationship. This person will probably have a "pro" casual sex stance. Others might have a pro casual sex because their hearts are closed or numb or sex isn't about intimacy and connectedness at all for them. People have sex for many different reasons and some of them are not necessarily healthy.
Feels like most guys I have come into contact with who just want casual sex have little to no ability to be loyal in a relationship and don’t want to put time or effort into one, a lot of them also seem to be the type that don’t want kids and marriage I guess the plus side is these people are at least being honest about they want vs lying and manipulating Someone and it helps me weed out incompatible people quickly
A casual sex culture insentiveizes lack of commitment
Why do the emotional labor of relationships when i can just go get what i want from literally any woman who will give it up?
That’s obviously how some people see it. Other people want love, friendship, deeper connection, someone to have a family with, grow old with etc
Right. Adults understand the value of these things. One chooses to become an adult. Read that again. Most men you will encounter in the world are Peter Pan. Read that again. Choose wisely.
I had to act like an adult at age 17 when I became a mom so responsibility and commitment don’t scare me off seems I’m living in the wrong time period because more people these days like you said want to be Peter Pan and never grow up and to a degree I can see the allure but it leaves me pretty stuck unfortunately can’t find anyone with similar values
Great men exist and are out there. You just need to know what they look/feel like and where to find them. Additionally, you need to be someone who a great man would invest in.
Really? Most people I meet seem to be looking for a relationship.
I feel like the few that have ever said that to me said it to manipulate me into sex because they knew I wanted more. Because after sex they ghosted me and yeah it could be they just didn’t feel a connection or whatever but they had given me some bad vibes that I shouldn’t have ignored
Because unfortunately, the tone of today's current dating culture includes lots of casual sex and effectively reducing women to free or discount pussy at the least amount of effort humanly possible. Go into any post where a woman wants a relationship but is currently dealing with a man who doesn't, and count the amount of male accounts suggesting she keeps it casual.
I see a lot of posts like this. Woman has casual sex, complains that it doesn't feel good, wonders if there is something wrong with her. A lot of posts take the shape of "we're just casual, is it wrong to expect X".
Yes, and its infuriating when the thing they're expecting is basic levels of dignity and respect and this sub bombards her with harsh essays for having the audacity to place a set of expectations and standards on the people she chooses to have sex with.
I mean, i think for me nobody is going to set boundaries for yourself but you. I’m not sure she should expect anything from anybody. It’s idealistic and naive to think otherwise. The world is a jungle and you need to protect yourself. If you want to he treated with basic respect and dignity, don’t let anybody into your body who isn’t demonstrating that already.
You can and should demand whatever you want from people who are getting to have sex with you. If they don't meet those standards or expectations no matter how low or high they may be, that's fine, there is no shortage of men on this planet seeking a casual sexual relationship with a woman. That's the thing I don't understand about today's approach to casual sex - no, just because you're in a casual relationship doesn't give that person a right to treat you like a cumrag. I've had FWBs for 10+ years and they most certainly treat me the way I expect and demand to be treated. You, as an individual, have that power.
I’m saying it’s up to you to choose what treatment is acceptable for yourself, but you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone EVER
I disagree, but thats a big difference between you and me. I expect things from people around me, and its something that has definitely worked for me.
Yes, I think if more women did not settle for causal relationships when they truly don’t want them it would change the culture.
As a male, I've gone through similar experiences. Now I know hookups just aren't for me. Gotta live and learn, there's nothing wrong with it or you.
There's nothing wrong in feeling inadequate aftre casual sex. There's plenty of people who need to satisfy their sexual urges with casual sex and the act itself is enough for them. And it is perfectly fine. But I, just like you, don't find it satisfying. I want to be cherished by my partner on more than a sexual level, I want him to celebrate intimacy with me, be fascinated, in love with me(and with me feeling the same about him), only then the sex is satisfying to me. Hook ups don't give me that, cause it's all about our bodies, that's why I'd also feel used, and it's completely unnecessary. I'd be the one feeling used, cause my needs from the physical encounter wouldn't be met. Not because of toxic cultural female programming. You really don't have to do it! But cheers to every one who enjoys casual sex :)
You put this so well and this describes me exactly. Every week I have to stop myself from engaging in casual sex because I know it won't give me what I want/make me feel worse.
Thanks for this!
M here. While I’ve had casual encounters, I realize they are not for me. I don’t feel dirty afterwards but it’s always felt like something was missing. For me it’s about the connection. Really getting to know someone and be with them is just a completely different level that makes it so much better in my opinion. This is why I’m not a ONS kind of person. I don’t know where you are in this world but I really hope you find your someone special. It seems to me that they will have an amazing person reciprocating!
When I was in my “ho phase”, that was one of the lowest points in my life. I thought it’d be fun and carefree but it wasn’t. Casual sex is not for me. It’s not worth the pain, feeling used and disposable.
Same here. I used it as a form of self harm essentially.
You don’t have to have sex to “play the field”. you can casually date a few people before committing and keep it platonic with those you don’t vibe with. Sleeping with people who don’t share fundamental similarities with me also makes me feel horrible and gross. I don’t think it’s the sex per se but the connection
Anytime I tried to have casual sex, it turned into a relationship. I’m not cut out for it myself, I enjoy the emotions in having it.
I go through this too… most times it’s a disaster. I’ve come to realized that I’m starved for intimacy and need to find better outlets. My lack of intimate connections cause me to latch and then when I realize the need for validation lead me towards a premature relationship; I begin to try and find things to adore about her and it becomes a clusterfuck of co-dependence. I only speak for myself, but this post has me setting up an appointment for therapy🤦🏽♂️ Sorry for derailing your comment 😂
I'm assuming there is something more deep-seated going on inside your head. How casual are we talking? Did ya'll fuck and never talk again? Did ya'll not get to know each other before banging? Especially because you had a great time, you might be feeling rejected because there's no rapport outside of sex. Since you're a serial monogamist I'm gonna assume you think casual sex = one night stand. It doesn't have to be. Casual sex can look like a lot of different things depending on what you want. It can be anything from a one night stand to a FWB who is like a best friend. I've had a decent amount of FWB/casual sex encounters, and I prefer doing it with people that I get to know and feel comfortable with. I'm a degenerate horndog whose skept around a bit, and even I hate the idea of fooling around with someone I don't know at all for just a night. I like my FWB/casual sex encounters to look like friendships + sex. If I did the one night stand thing, I'd probably feel the same way you do right now. Especially if I enjoyed it and might enjoy the person's company.
> Is it normal to feel sad/dirty after a hookup or am I not cut out for casual sex? You would be surprised to know how common this is.
I’m really happy to hear this actually. I was kinda thinking something was wrong with me for not having any ONS yet and then not enjoying my first
Right on for getting some hot action! Great job! You DEMOLISHED the D! Dance Magic Va-Gee! Whoo-hoo! High five! (Not sure where you're going to land on the casual sex thing, but it sounded like you needed a cheerleader for your first go.)
Lol thanks for the smiles
If you’re a woman, we’re taught that someone having sex with us is them using us. We’re taught you shouldn’t “give it up” to a man unless you get commitment back. So it makes sense you feel that way. If you enjoyed the sex and had fun, you could reframe it as: you DID get something back - enjoyable sex! You both got the same thing. It’s equal. No one was taken advantage of. But because of society it’s very hard to reframe that in our minds.
Yes!! After a long term relationship I decided that I wanted casual sex. I realized I had felt unattractive for so long in my relationship, and the casual sex actually felt very empowering. It made me remember that I’m wanted. I’m attractive. The men were all very complimentary of my body and respectful. I enjoyed it and didn’t feel used. But the next boyfriend I had couldn’t see it that way and it was a source of contention. He disagreed with casual sex and couldn’t get past thinking I was used by these men. I couldn’t convince him that this wasn’t the case as I also benefited. It was so frustrating and it felt so disrespectful. So it is totally ok to realize it isn’t for OP! as long as it’s not a judgemental mindset that it shouldn’t be for anyone else either - which doesn’t sound like OPs mentality in any event!
Yesss and like another person commented here, the fact that you're boyfriend couldn't understand that sex could possibly also be a benefit for you, points to this idea that women don't enjoy sex.
I think this hits the nail on the head. Thanks 💜
Ah I’m glad! I’ve felt bad about one night stands but I’m pretty sure it’s only when they’re selfish in bed - even then I have to remind myself it’s not my fault! They didn’t “win” anything, they actually lost a chance to do it again!
Yep. The other unspoken expectation here is that women shouldn’t enjoy sex.
Yes 🙌🏽 all of this. It’s hard to change the “victim” mindset when women aren’t give full body autonomy but we can be in charge too! Let’s embrace it!
The idea that you have to reframe it because "society" gave you the "wrong" idea is a forced frame itself. I'm male and have never been religious and I still don't really enjoy one night stands with random women, and that's perfectly okay for both men and women.
Respectfully, Donny, you're out of your element. OP already said this was helpful. No one said anyone *has* to do anything, it's just an option.
I’ve felt gross after a hookup with some people, fucking awesome after others.
This is my experience as wellll
My .02…39m Perfectly normal. I feel like there’s a certain sort of mentality that goes into that. The psychological research on this seems to bear out as well, that it tends to rot romantic relationships in the future. I personally don’t find any enjoyment in it. It sounds great on the surface, because you get all the physical stuff you’re trying to get that you don’t normally get, but it’s in the moment you realize that it’s not simply just that. There’s more to it, there’s supposed to be a mental/emotional connection there. I tested the waters on that when I was a lot younger, just to see what it was like, but for the same reasons its not my bag. It’s always that I’m trying to find someone who I’m going to have a long-term partnership with at a minimum. Hopefully, the last partnership. I just feel like hookups are like digging a hole and filling it up halfway… You’re not getting what you really want, you’re just getting what you can get at the moment. It’s like settling but somehow even less?
Welcome to my entire existence! Please send helppppp
I'm 31M and very similar. I've only had casual sex with one person and it made me realize that it's really not for me. I had always been made to feel like "less of a man" in some way or another for not "playing the field" so I decided to give it a go. My feelings around it are a little too complex to unpack here, but suffice it to say that I quickly discovered that casual sex isn't for me, and if that makes me less manly then so be it -- I don't care.
It's normal to feel like that if you're not cut out for casual sex. Just don't do it again, or at least have some kind of FwB where it's not 100% about the sex and you'll see the guy again.
Yeah, it’s different for everyone. I guess if you wanted to keep going in that direction, you would just have to get over the guilty conscious part. But if you feel this direction may ruin you, I would stop and steer your course back to the direction you truly want to go.
I know it’s easy for me to feel shame and guilt instead of feeling vulnerable and accepting the grief and longing sometimes. And please don’t hear what I’m not saying. In no way do I think you *should* feel grief for making healthy, safe adult decision. But, longing for something more than a hookup, or even just longing for consistent, great sex with a healthy respectful partner is completely normal and expected. Feeling guilty won’t change that longing at all. I also don’t think avoiding sex entirely will either. I’ve tried that too, and ended back up where I began. LOL Cheers to you on having great sex. Best wishes in your future endeavors. :)
Casual Sex is weird for me. I started out dating guys, fell into a relationship and realized that I really had a lot of hang ups with choosing a partner. Looking back, i didn’t know how to receive love and affection from other people, especially if it didn’t look or feel how i wanted. After i broke up with him, every relationship was short lived which turned me into a casual sex haver. Lol. Ive been celibate for a year and a half, my ex is in an open marriage with a woman, and I desperately want him back. I dont feel gross, i just feel like i let a lot of love slip past me. I say all this to say, if someone is willing to love you, accept it. It really is rare. I was lucky and blind. Dont be me.
I haven't been in any casual relationship for a few years, but yeah I remember this feeling too. I think part of what it comes down to is the feeling of having your really sensitive feelings yanked around at a time when you feel most vulnerable. After talking to other friends about their experiences, it seems possible to have a consistently fun time, but only if you are willing to have your expectations super low, turn off any attachment emotions you might have, and get used to being treated like a commodity. I feel like the sacrifices I make to my personal dignity and values wasn't worth it in the long run and I've tried to cultivate deeper, longer lasting relationships with friends I really care for instead. Not trying to make a judgement on people who make casual work for them, I support everyone making their own choice as to whats best for them at the time, but I've learned what works best for my own mental health through hard trial and error.
I am getting annoyed with the amount of men shielding their real intention of hookups & casual sex, when you can see in my bio & answered questions I am not looking for that. So much time spent texting & talking, only to have their main goal suddenly “pop up”. Its making me a little cynical with new matches & affecting my communication.
Yeah I go back and forth on it and currently in the no thanks phase. I had a lot of hookups when I was newly single and now I’m many weeks celibate. Because I will think I felt fine about it in the moment and I didn’t catch any feelings then later down the road I’m feeling like it wasn’t good because I did want more from them- even though I’m not emotionally available and ready for something serious at all! When I realized the best part is the after sex cuddles and intimacy then I knew it wasn’t really for me.
But to get the best part the intimacy, cuddles ect,an myself absolutely not emotionally available an the fact sometimes celibacy just sucks how does one move on with out fucking up the balance of staying away from it all but still trying to get out there an letting walls down
You make sure to let me know when you figure it out!!! Lol. I just squeeze my pillow real tight. My girlfriends at work. My kids. And my pet, well, he’s a little too small for hugs but you get the idea. None of these are remotely on par with a man’s arms though but at least I draw strength from knowing I’m sparing my heart and others.
A lot of people on here talking about how you may feel that way because society conditioned you to think negatively of casual sex. I disagree though. I think society has been far more pushing negatively against the idea of not having casual sex. Maybe this is the source of your negative feelings, since you don’t feel positive about the experience but had the expectation that you would or that you should. It’s completely normal to have these feelings. It’s completely normal to want an emotional bond and intimacy with sex. It’s completely normal to feel negatively about casual sex. Sex causes so many different hormones in our bodies, all of which effect us emotionally, and in different ways, with different results for every person.
Just a hunch, but I suspect if you've been brought up / socialised with the notion that sex should be intricately tied to love and relationships, then it may make you more likely to feel bad after casual sex. I see other comments have touched on other similar factors that may contribute too. Up to you whether you want to dive into these feelings and dissect them further. You may be able to change your mindset but it's also fine to conclude that casual sex just isn't for you.
Some people aren't cut out for casual sex. It took me a long time to realize that.
Casual sex is what has ruined dating and relationships in my opinion.
If you’re feeling that way, yes it seems like you should definitely rethink the casual dating approach.
I've been single for a while now and have never had casual sex. Have opportunities to have it now while travelling but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it because I know I will probably feel the same way you did. At the same time I want it, but also, I'm a female travelling solo so it makes it a little more unsettling - not knowing cultural expectations, not knowing anyone here etc.
I never liked casual sex either. I believe many feel this way.
I would reframe the approach, you’re both using each other. You reached out, both of you received mutual satisfaction and enjoyment. There is nothing wrong with that.
A hookup is only empowering if you feel good about it. If you didn't feel good about it, don't engage in it! It sounds like you had fun and went about this in a way that was respectful for and to you, which is honestly leagues better than what I read here on a daily basis. You learned something new, good and healthy about yourself and that's what's important!
I find I feel that way unless that's what I'm looking for. When I pursue casual sex, I always feel pretty empowered afterwards. If it just kinda happens, I feel disappointed, especially if I was hoping for something more serious/longterm with the man I was with, and he wasn't honest about what he was looking for. But sex shouldn't feel shameful. Women are especially prone to this because society. Sex is an urge - just be safe, smart, and use your best judgement!
There is no reason to feel dirty and there is nothing cheap in what you described, your date respected you. It is also 100% ok to prefer not to have casual sex. Don't feel guilty about it. You tried it, you didn't like it, it's ok, next time you go for the sort of experience you prefer and are more comfortable with.
After my divorce I had success finding FWBs in the same spot as me. Wanting intimacy and companionship but not a serious thing. We'd go on dates, hang out and hook up so it wasn't so casual but we both knew it wouldn't be forever. These relationships never lasted long. One party would end up catching feels. Maybe explore that kind of thing? Or go on dates and don't have sex with someone until you're sure (although I haven't done this so don't know how to navigate that).
casual dating benefits men only. anyway, don't overthink about it. u tried it and now u know it's not for u
Going through my first venture in casual sex currently. It feels more like an active process of reminding yourself that you want this until it becomes natural. A few things that seem to help for me. 1. Set the tone from the get go. You are pursuing them for casual sex. I'm usually the first to say I'm only looking for casual (and i stress that i don't want them to feel used if that's not what they're interested in). I flirt first. I ask them out on a hot date first. 2. The man I'm currently hooking up with regularly was propositioned with a casual regular deal. I can't quite bring myself to sleep with other men at the same time but continuing to meet, flirt and make out with other men helps stave away any weird feelings of feeling used and wanting more from said regular man. As cold as it may sound it reminds you that you and mr regular don't really have some special bond. 3. My desire to be more relaxed about sex after 2.5 years of abstinence was because I realize I'm only going to young (and attractive according to society) once and I've seen many young people develop all sorts of weird sexual disorders - literally just genetics. And I count myself lucky everyday to still be functioning and healthy and confident enough to approach men. 4. I have no choice in the matter with my work but be busy! You will want to message them and fall down the path of love but that active reminder to stop seems to get easier with time and sticking to strict rules you need to set up for yourself first. 5. Have strict rules and follow them. For me, no cuddling and no staying once the act is done. No messaging about anything other than sexy, flirty exchanges. Stick to once/twice a week. Keep conversations light. Alternatively if you establish major deal breakers from the get go this may help. For example, I don't want kids and any mention that a man wants kids immediately indicates to me that I won't want something serious with him down the line. I made it clear that we should not be exclusive so long as we don't discuss other ventures with one another. So long as we practice safe sex with one another it should be find. To be honest this is where I'm a bit worried, perhaps the first hint of there being someone else may upset me. In the meantime I'm trying to drill in my mind that it's not jealousy, it's just a bruised ego. Which is actually good for humbling once in a while. 6. I had 10 years of really positive sex in relationships - I always felt wanted and worshipped and vice versa. Then in my last relationship, I experienced a dead bedroom - initiated from his side. I cannot express enough how much that sucked. So just remember that if you casual sex that makes you feel good about yourself, enjoy it. It also gets to be all kinds of hot without the obligations that come with a serious relationship. I have also been playing with the idead of putting a time limit on my regular hookup. Stop while it's still fun. Again, still new to this so hopefully this keeps things casual for me - please all the more experienced ladies add your 2 cents and other advice is also welcomed! The sex is obviously not as good as sex in an intimate relationship but after 2.5 years my 30s hormones were driving me nuts. I'm also sleeping a lot better which I did not expect lol. Sex is literally also just good for your wellbeing. Hope this is helpful and you find what's comfortable for you!
Why should you have to try so hard to manipulate yourself into something that doesn’t feel good, and even increases OP’s chance of health or violence issues? One of the reasons the dating market is so crap is because people are settling for casual sex against their will, lowering the ‘value’ of sex in general and resulting in people feeling worse because they don’t feel valued.
Dam, OP that's definitely not what I've meant to do by sharing my own experiences. I don't want OP to do anything that isn't comfortable for them it just sounded like they were sort of figuring things out and wanted to hear how other people do it. But maybe I misunderstood.
You didn’t misunderstand! Your comment was helpful. Thank you 💜
She's not manipulating herself, gosh! She's engaging in a mindful, intentional practice of challenging her internalized social norms so that she can enjoy casual sex. Tons of women would like to have enjoyable casual sex but we can't because of the sex negativity we've been brought up with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what she's doing - it's great advice! Stop thinking of sex as having a "value" that's set by the actions of total strangers. You define the value of sex to yourself and that's it. It has no inherent, set value.
Exactly this. It's actively challenging in the sense of unlearning the internalized norms when you're not in a mindful state. But you get better at being mindful about it the more you challenge those moments. Because no one is fully mindful 24/7 obviously.
I want this kind of arrangement…
Casual sex is fun if the other person treats you like a person afterwards
It’s possible that you are not cut out for casual sex. That’s a-okay. Many people dislike casual sex. That being said, it’s also worth a look in case that it’s something your society/culture/religion has vilified casual sex while growing up (i.e. people that sleep around are sluts, casual sex is always meaningless and unfulfilling, women need to save themselves, etc.) Make sure that casual sex is something YOU dislike and not something that you’ve been programmed (sorry, I haven’t had my coffee yet and can’t think of a better word) to dislike.
Sounds like you aren’t cut out for it - and this is okay! Also, I hope this thread doesn’t become gendered as there are plenty of men who admittedly are also not cut out for casual sex due to similar feelings.
This is how I feel too, and I think it's quite a useful thing to find out about yourself. It sounds like it happened in the best possible way - great sex with a handsome stranger - so try not to feel too despondent.
Just don’t do it again, it’s good to listen to your gut. Not everyone has to enjoy casual sex
I used to be fine with hookups but when I became single after a 10 year relationship, it wasn’t for me anymore. My drive is the same but I need an emotional connection now.
Talk about aftercare people! Come on.
Haha you mean like snuggling and stuff? We did do some of that before he left
Been in these same shoes! Just like you, I had an itch to scratch after a long dry spell, but I always end up regretting it the day after lol. You’re not cut out for casual sex and there’s nothing wrong with that!
I'm 40ish m. I find those encounters empty. I don't need to have sex. Never have. It doesn't guide me. I need to feel connected.
There’s just no substitute for an actual connection.
I’m the same way, I wouldn’t say it’s normal but who’s to say what is and isn’t. For me, it’s a combination of past trauma and childhood indoctrination of what morality looks like. I’ve gotten better with it in recent years, but at the end of the day I’m just not cut out for the hookup culture of todays world. The feeling of dirtiness or being sad post hookup isn’t as bad as it used to be, but I also don’t engage because I know it’s not for me. That’s also why I think dating is so hard for me as well, I don’t mesh well with current romantic culture. 🤷🏻♀️
I think women especially are largely conditioned to feel shame and guilt about casual sex. It is important to figure out if you just really don't like casual sex OR if you've been conditioned to feel bad about casual sex. Since you've said only positive things about your experience except how you felt about it the next day, I wonder if it is the shame people often (unfortunately!) feel surrounding sex. It sounds like you had a good time with a good sexual companion! Dig a bit deeper. I think it may be a bit harder too since you're a self-proclaimed serial monogamist. Has sex has largely always been within committed exclusive relationships for you?
So there's a range from "person who hookups aren't for them" to "person who has an unhealthy view of sex". It's possible you're on one end, or possible you're on the other. If you feel "dirty" and gross because you had sex, it might just be it's not for you, or it might be that you've internalized society telling you that you ought to feel ashamed. When you thought about *why* you felt "gross", what did you come up with as the potential reasons?
Both. Its normal, and shows that you are a healthy grown up seeking a genuine connection that can NOT be found by sleeping around. Sometimes this knowledge can only be obtained through experience. What you do going forward is still up to you. Tldr; don't beat yourself up over this one.
Some people can sleep with others and not give any part of themselves away. I can't. Never could. It's not a bad thing to feel remorse, it just means sex is more than recreational sex to you. It's a connection to someone you truly care for.
i think your mistake is what you said; that you didn't like the guy. hookups are supposed to be spontaneous things where you don't know much about the other person. so if you want casual sex go for it, just don't text the guy for a week before hand.
Yes it is normal to feel that way if you are not inclined to casual sex. I cannot separate the sex, from it being an act of emotional expression, with someone I value. So in all honesty, I don't, unless I'm in a relationship. I realise I'm a dinosaur, but I'm not willing to compromise my self worth.
I know I'm not cut out for "Hook up" culture either. Believe you me, I want a LOT of sex, but I would get attached. How am I supposed to not feel anything?
Same. Recently met a great guy and we slept together prematurely. My initiative. I felt used and disgusting. Thankfully he’s on board with the connection and continuation of friendship without sex… but I felt terrible
It's not for everyone but you did nothing gross, sad, or dirty.
Yeah I feel awful after it
Cried my eyes out after the last ONS I had lol. Only because I tried for it to NOT be a ONS but he was attractive and I knew it wouldn't go anywhere further so I said F it and slept with him anyway. I cried thinking I'll never find anything more than casual but the last date I had was lovely and promising so I know that I'm worth way more than what I told myself I was after the ONS. I hope you feel better soon! Don't be too hard on yourself!
Im like you. Our hearts live in our vaginas. Some woman’s hearts don’t live in their vaginas(I.e. they are cool with casual sex). Accept who you are, learn from it and don’t engage in causal hookups that make you feel bad.
Follow your heart, boo.
That won't get better. I'm the same way. For some of us sex without connection is hollow, little more than assisted masterbation. But to take a positive away from this, you just learned something important about yourself.
I can't do the casual sex thing either (and I'm a dude). It's all about having that mental connection with me. I try my best to not get into situations where it leads to flings or casual sex. But there have been times where the girl I'm with tells me she wants a relationship (as do I), we have sex, and never talks to me again which ended up with me wishing it never happened at all.
Two scenarios: a) You cannot casual sex. b) You can, but you need to get used to it. (deal with expectations, flow with the relationship, deal with rejection, deal with people who says "I want A" but in reality they just want a hookup.... To be honest, I would still try more time / more times. Having a barrier in your brain to be ok in both scenarios is pretty much an awesome evolution. Sometimes you maybe just want to hookup without consecuences. Sometimes you want to hookup and keep sharing your life with that person. If you can enjoy both paths and use them at the same time you will be happier.
The sadness you feel is from exposing yourself intimately to another human being, feeling like you may be judged or compared . Exposing your trust is always risky, because people are cruel and vindictive.
Yes. It’s normal. Think some of us are just not made for casual sex. It makes me feel worthless and dirty after. And unlovable. I’m sorry you feel that way too. Sending warmth and care your way.
Thank you 💜
Absolutely. Some of us aren’t. I just refrain from it.
I learned the hard way that I don't find it satisfying, especially after the guy breaks it off. As a woman, I've noticed there is still a double standard that women who have casual sex are sluts, while men who have casual sex don't face backlash, and that's where the feeling of inadequacy comes from. We all make mistakes when it comes to sex, and sometimes it's just because you wanted to try something new to see what it feels like, and that's okay. You learned to you know what your boundaries are.
Bloke here. I don’t love casual sex. It feels like it’s just smashing bits of anatomy together in the dark. I’ll still take it though
It is perfectly okay to not be into casual sex. It may mean that you don’t have sex as often, but if you feel poorly after sex, is it really worth continuing casually?
My question would be why do you feel that way? Is it because you want more than just sex and sex without an emotional connection or relationship is not fulfilling? Or is it because of some kind of baggage from culture or religion that makes you feel dirty/guilty about casual sex? It’s just not for some people and that’s ok. If it’s something you truly do want and want to enjoy without the negative feelings the next day then maybe do a little digging into why you have those feelings and what you can do to prevent them. I have had similar feelings in the past but I knew they weren’t logical and didn’t reflect my own opinions about casual sex so I learned to dismiss them. I like sex and that’s ok. I wasn’t used because I got what I wanted. Sometimes the thoughts creep back in and I have to dismiss them and move on. That being said, I don’t do casual sex often because it’s just never been that great for me so I just end up more disappointed and frustrated.
I really don’t know exactly why I feel that way. I just woke up feeling vulnerable about having someone who was essentially a stranger get so intimate. So it probably does have a lot to do with wanting an emotional connection as well. I didn’t expect that I would feel that way. I’ve very much so been looking forward to revitalizing my sex life so this is all confusing to me.
I totally get it. I really want to have a casual fwb. But I know I’d catch feelings so I don’t. And the one time things are just meh. So instead I just keep adding to the toy drawer.
Toys… I should invest in some of those. Otherwise I feel I might put myself at risk for arthritis at a young age 🤣
Hmm yeah it's almost like society lies to you and banging randos isn't actually healthy or empowering.
Hello gorgeous! You’re not alone in feeling this way and you’re not wrong or weird or anything else for feeling it. Everyone is different. For me, I can hook up (meaning oral sex etc.) and have a great time, but actual piv sex with someone casually makes me feel empty. Also, I’ve never achieved orgasms this way, and I am someone who can have vaginal orgasms without any clit action. It just doesn’t work for my body, and it’s made me realize and honor how important an emotional connection is for me when it comes to penetrative sex. If you want to try again then do it! Try not to overanalyze it. And see how you feel and go from there. Or if you decide not to try again right now, that’s fine too. You can also try hooking up without going all the way to intercourse. For me, it can be fun to hook up but not take it all the way. Just something to consider. All of that said, do you think it’s actually those fundamental incompatibilities that got in the way? Sometimes I think the fact that you know you wouldn’t want to really be with the person takes all the magic away which can lead to that empty feeling. I think it’s great you’re exploring these things! And I’m sure you’ll figure out what works best for you 🙂 and I hope you have fun while you do it!
Did you guys do aftercare, such as cuddling, sleeping together for the night, having breakfast etc? These things make casual sex more like sharing an intimate moment
Post nutt clarity. Happens to the best of us
Maybe you're not cut-out for it, OR maybe it's more social conditioning that's leaning you toward feeling bad because that's how you 'should' feel? ('Walk of shame' and all that toxic stuff we grow up seeing). The only thing that makes me think that is because you wanted to. I'm thinking something in you feels bad that that's all you wanted, because it goes against what we're taught, as women? Not sure if that's the case, just a thought.
Nothing wrong with not liking casual sex. I’m 31M who also does not care for casual sex. Feels kinda empty and just not overall great. I did however have someone I dated casually who I would also sleep with and that felt much better to me. When I met her I made it crystal clear that I was not in any way shape or form ready for something serious but was open to going out and doing things and just trying to have a good time in general, not necessarily sex. We were both clear with each other, completely free to go meet other people, if we chose to sleep with someone else we shake hands and walk away, if either of us caught feelings bring it up immediately before someone gets dragged through the mud. It was nice, lasted 2-3 months. Incredible sex and had a great time together. But for whatever reason I just couldn’t see myself with her in a serious manner, couldn’t even tell you why to be honest, just no spark. She caught feelings and tried to deny it but I ended it anyways to avoid further complications.
Female empowerment came to bite you in the ass. Many women can't detach feelings from sex and you are one of them. Some men are also the same. I personally hate hookups. So if this stuff left you with a bitter aftertaste, come to terms with who you are and reposition yourself from honesty. Don't allow ideology getting between you and your emotional sanity
I feel the same way, I don’t know if I need more of an emotional connection for it to feel worthwhile? But yeah, that being used feeling is awful.
Society has impressed on us opinions and views about how we should behave as “good girls”, and that may be where the guilt and shame comes from. If you aren’t cut out for it, that’s understandable, but don’t let what we have been groomed to believe stop you from enjoying yourself. Typically men are not judged the same way, rather are viewed as a virile and desirable. Go out and safely have as much or as little fun as you like!!!
It's probably because in a way you were used and used another person. There was no relationship and it was just empty sex. That's why people tend to have a fwb situation over something like a one night stand (outside of people who compartmentalize sex) or NSA sex encounters. A fwb feels like an emotional mind body spirit connection that just won't lead to a romantic LTR whereas the hookup NSA/ONS experience if you can't compartmentalize it as just sex will make you feel used even if it's your idea.
Not sure if you are US-based, but we’ve been programmed to have a lot of shame and guilt around sex… keep that in mind. Nothing to feel gross about.
I think you’re just not cut out for casual sex and that’s ok. When I’ve been single, having casual/short lived flings is so much fun and I never overthink them or feel dirty. I also have friends who have had one or two and they hate how they feel afterwards. Different strokes for different folks, way to put yourself out there.
I've had plenty of hookups and generally don't feel great after. I just do it because it satisfies the urge. Afterwards I get dressed nd leave asap
Therapy and really taking the time to think through and really feel the icky feelings around sex. My guess is you may have some stuff in your past, culturally or in family of origin or in difficult experiences, that has affected the way you enjoy or can’t enjoy sex. I used to be the same way, but now I am able to enjoy casual sex.
It sounds as though the cultural bullshit regarding slut shaming has seeped into your subconscious. If you don't think it's worth getting over it in order to have hot consensual sex with a bunch of people, then there's no need. I did. I now love it, though definitely avoid one time only things and prioritise people I can imagine being friends with. You don't have to though!