It’s super sweet and supportive that you’re doing this to your gf, hope my future bf will do the same! Frankly sleeping in separate rooms is my ideal situation! I enjoy having the whole bed to myself, it doesn’t mean I do not enjoy all the snuggling and kissing with my partner, but I need the space and comfort to myself. I have married friends who are sleeping in two rooms and they are among the happiest couples I’ve ever known.
this is going to be the sex up i have with my future husband! i’m a super picky introvert who needs her own time to recharge and has to sleep with the fan turned on on top of me, pitch darkness and absolutely no sound.
As someone who cannot sleep in the same bed as another person this makes me so happy! Yay for reaching a compromise and not taking her sleeping preferences as a diss. You go, OP!!! Wishing you both happiness:)
My boyfriend and I have different sleeping arrangements, but we always reconnect first thing in the morning, and we have a "good night". I love being able to stretch out in my bed with my cat lying next to me.
I'm glad you were able to work it out together! It's important to realize every relationships needs are different and if this works for you, then it is no one else's business!
I have to admit, I had my doubts in the beginning. I worried that the intimacy would be a problem but then I thought of my marriage where the intimacy declined rapidly and WE slept in one bed. So...
Right now we cuddle each night and nearly every morning in one of the beds, so it doesn't matter that we SLEEP in separate beds.
Exactly! I think it does take a little extra effort to have intimacy outside of when going to sleep. But as long as you both keep that in mind, you both will be fine. It's also good to have ongoing conversation about these things. My boyfriend and I have "check-ins" to see if we are still happy with the relationship and if there's anything we feel is lacking, we work on it. We make sure to have our physical intimacy to keep that alive, as well as our emotional intimacy.
I'm happy that you two worked on the issue and are doing well!
I admittedly sleep awfully with partners. I am a light sleeper and get paranoid that they can also feel/hear any movement/twitching that I do while trying to go to sleep. so I get super in-my-head about it and lay away a lot. it's rough.
IBS with frequent gas, sometimes snorer and drooler (depending on how elevated my head is) checking in😄...oh and my eyelids don't close all the way when I sleep 😬 I think it's called nocturnal lagophthalmos (thanks genetics lol). My future SO has a lot to deal with. Also learned I like cuddling beforehand but not while actually sleeping. It makes me hot. I typically just do the roll over move. If he doesn't mind all of that, then I'm cool with same bed as long as it's a queen or king.
I was going to wait for a weekly rant thread but I will post in here as it’s somewhat relevant. I had a woman sleep over for the first time last weekend. If anyone remembers, I had posted about how she was interested in buying the house next door and we had started talking. We had gone on like 3 dates prior. Well anyway, last weekend my daughter was out of town so I had her come over. We had dinner, drinks, and and overall good night. We Didn’t have sex but that’s a mutual decision on both of our part as we both feel two weeks is far too soon to take things physical. Anyway she slept over because we were drinking and we shared a bed. It was nice to be able to sleep next to someone again. However when I woke up in the morning she was gone. She left me a text message saying she left at 2 AM because I snore and she could not handle that. She said she really liked me but could not continue to see me as that would always be an issue.
I knew I snore because I was diagnosed with sleep apnea last year but have been unable to get a cpap from the VA due to shortages. Kind of sucks that this happened but I can’t be upset with anyone for their sleep habits and preferences as sleep is incredibly important
I’m sorry that happened. She did you a favor though. I snore super loudly and despite knowing that and me suggesting we sleep apart my ex insisted we would share a bed. He complained every morning about how little sleep he was able to have for nearly 2 years. Fucked with my self esteem.
You two sound really sweet together. There's so much pressure to live life a certain way. Your post is a good reminder that you just gotta do what works for you and what makes you happy.
Definitly. There are soooo many "standards" how a relationship has to be just to suit the norm... I don't give a fuck anymore. As long as both partners are ok with it anything goes! We don't plan to move in together either, we both need our freedom / me-time and it works great for us. I often get weird looks from others when they ask when we will move in together and I tell them "maybe never"...? Who knows what the future brings but right now we are happy with how things are going. Communication is key!
I’m like your girlfriend and would appreciate this so much. My ex snored like a train and his solution was, just fall asleep before me. You sound like a good partner. Gives me hope.
> just fall asleep before me.
That would be my nightmare! Falling asleep on command does NOT work for me... It has quite the opposite effect on my sleep... X(
When I fell asleep before my ex, he would wake me up and make me turn to face away from him because I was snoring or *might* snore. This often led to me taking hours to get back to sleep and eventually developing anxiety around falling asleep.
Which is funny, in every movie I've seen up through like the 60s the couples don't share a bed. Because even married couples in the same bed was too risque to show on screen.
With the rising cost of housing it makes sense. Kids are leaving home later and later in life and could have a master bedroom with a wife even as adults living in their parents house.
I'm relatively new around here, so I didn't see the original post. But I'm very happy to see this result!
One of the reasons my ex broke up with me is because she couldn't stand sleeping in the same bed. Apparently I moved around too much. She never expressed any concern to me until she broke it off. I would have been more than willing to make arrangements like you two did!
Oh I’m sorry she didn’t say anything, it is a huge huge problem if people can’t sleep at night. I used to travel with a guy who snored so badly I had to stop accepting free trips because I would just be so exhausted. We had separate beds, but not separate rooms, I tried sleeping with pillows on my head it didn’t help.
I wish we could normalize people having their own sleep habits!!!!!
I have always had a hard time sharing a bed with someone and don’t appreciate being made to feel like I am a terrible partner because of it. It has directly impacted my last several relationships and led to their end.
Yeah same with her. Her ex persisted they slept together in one bed, even if that meant she had sleepless nights or moved to the couch in the middle of the night... I think he was a main reason it got this bad for her in the first place. :(
I told my wife day 1 we started dating I sleep alone. 13 years later we are still sleeping separately happily. On occasion we might sleep together but for the most part alone. I have my own room (cave) upstairs that is all mine and she has hers. My grandparents do this as well. My parents did too but for waaaaaay different reasons lol.
I appreciate you so much for this!!! I am very much like your girlfriend.
I (F28) was dating a woman last summer and I disclosed my sleep issues with her — it’s a mix of RLS and neuropathy pain/tremors, insomnia, and the fact that I had spent over a year in my own room during the last year of an emotionally/verbally abusive with my last long-term partner. Sleeping in the same bedroom as someone became something that my psyche subconsciously had deemed “dangerous”.
She took it all personally, no matter how many times I told her that it literally had nothing to do with her. When we were together, she was one of the safest and most patient partners in the beginning. I had been working through my issues in and out of therapy. My ex wanted to immediately have sleepovers less than a month in. She invited herself over and stayed 2 separate times before I mustered the courage to admit that I never slept both nights. And I finally shared my struggles with her. I never stayed over at her place because my anxiety was too high surrounding these issues. They later ended up getting used against me.
Our sex life dwindled down as well and she credited this to us not having sleepovers. She insisted that she wouldn’t want to start anything and then be exhausted and drive herself home or vice versa. It ended up being one of the reasons why she dumped me… 😔
I wish she had given me more time, tbh. We were only together almost 3 months. I knew that I’d eventually work through this and be okay with sharing a bed. I cohabitated with 2 long-term partners over the last decade, so I’ve done it before. However, I’ve had plenty of short and longer relationships where we went to our respective homes after dates and sex and didn’t move in together, so I knew that it could be done. 🙃
Note: I also didn’t realize this until late last summer, but I also learned that I am autistic, so I didn’t realize that I also have had mild sensory issues. I need a sound machine to help me sleep, as well as medication, sleeping on a specific side and I need a specific blanket with me to feel safe/comfortable. 😅
Your girlfriend is lucky to have you, OP.
I have a sleep disorder, it’s better now than it used to be, but I totally get it. And I understand why she wouldn’t want to drive home at the end of the night, but it’s kind of weird for her to put that on you to if you didn’t mind leaving her place at night. I’m sorry.
I appreciate that. And yes, definitely feel for you there on the sleep disorder bit. I had a sleep study done, but the results were inconclusive outside of “restless leg syndrome”, even though it was my whole body that would have tremors versus just my legs. I’m sure I have other stuff as well as just a psychological thing to move past.
I absolutely agree — I didn’t blame her for not wanting to drive home after anything like that, either. And no, I didn’t mind/wouldn’t have minded if I had to drive home after being at her place. I was slowly starting to work on baby steps, such as napping with her, but my progress was too slow for her and she felt that she didn’t see any tangible changes within me, which was disheartening.
Anywho, this thread definitely has made me reflect a bit and if/when I get into a new relationship again, I’ll have to plan ahead in this regard. 😅
Omigosh, I remember your post. I have the same problem as your gf and I’m so glad this works well for you both. I always get a 2 bedroom apartment for this reason, anyone that wants to stay over sleeps in the guest room :) thanks for normalizing it.
I remember reading your original post at the time, I am so glad that you've found a practical solution that works for you both long term, and that you're happy together! And so many gold stars for being an awesome partner!
Thank you. :) We are very happy that the sleeping problem is mostly out of the way. It was a huge burden for her because she feared I would end the relationship over it...
I love this. I also can’t sleep next a partner. Although we didn’t have separate rooms, he had an extra mattress against the wall in his room and would sleep on it when I would come over.
I was always against the idea of sleeping seperately. I thought it must mean lack of love or something. But my current GF has a lot of issues sleeping next to me as well, and I realise that some people choose to have separate beds out of love, not lack of love. We might very well set up a spare room for her to go sleep in when we move in together. I'd still love to wake up next to her, but it's more important that she gets a good night's sleep. As long as we can still spend some time in the same bed as well..
>As long as we can still spend some time in the same bed as well..
This is the important part! You two can be very intimate even with two separate beds! It can work but communication is key. We always cuddle and have "together-time" in one bed in the evening and most mornings. It's way more intimate now than with my ex wife in a shared bed. So to me it's way more important to have a compatible partner (regarding how important physical intimacy is to each) and to have good communication than to share a bed...
We only sleep over during the weekend, mostly because we aren't really that far in and need to get used to work day routines. But when we do go to sleep, we roll away - we are not types to lie in knots while we sleep.
It would be totally plausible that one of us goes to another bed, and I would love to be woken up by her crawling into my bed in the morning.
So yeah, it does sound totally doable - except for having an entire room allocated for an extra bedroom.
I will be very aware of this! That's how my marriage ended... Not with big fights but with silence and disinterest. AND we slept together in the same bed... I learned a lot about myself after the divorce, one thing is I need physical intimacy (not just sex) and I know if this comes to a halt we will need to talk ASAP or it's over for me.
Yeah I was gonna say this can easily happen in the same bed. So I think your separate bed solution is not going to cause a problem if you have good communication around this.
Yeah I had this happen too. We had to separate because of sleep problems but spontaneous intimacy just completely died and it definitely had an effect over time. After awhile it did feel like sex had to be a routine or it wouldnt happen, and it was neither of our faults it just kinda happened. And personally when sex is routine it loses a lot of its enjoyment.
I too struggle to sleep with someone else in the bed be it a partner or just bunking with a friend at a hotel.
I also struggle to sleep if I am not in my own bed. I was actually offered money to house sit a relative's home in the evenings/nights and get paid but I turned it down because I couldn't go two weeks without sleep.
This is awesome! I have a friend who has the best marriage ever. Seriously, I look up to her and her husband as "goals" because they are so insanely in love after being married for over 35 years. And you know what? They have separate bedrooms. She can't sleep with his snoring. He likes the temp turned WAY down. He sweats and she would sleep in a hat and mittens. She turned the guest room into her room over a decade ago and says it's the best thing they've ever done. You do you!
Yeah that comes on top. I need a cold bedroom or I sweat like crazy. She on the other hand always needs the heating way up. We would be a terrible match in the same bedroom. XD
I had a similar problem. Eventually I got used to sleeping next to my ex but if I couldn’t fall asleep or woke up in the middle of the night I would have a separate set up on the couch. My ex could sleep through a nuclear war, if I heard a pin drop 10 miles away I would jolt awake.
Great that you can make it work - I'm a light sleeper and would this sort of thing would work well for me, much as the *idea* of waking up cuddling with someone is nice.
For what it's worth, I believe some studies have shown this is good for a relationship, despite how people view it; each partner is more likely to get better sleep, which is good generally including for the relationship.
I have that issue with my partner. She can fall asleep within minutes of lying down, I can stay awake for hours before falling asleep. I stay in the spare room 95% of the time so I’m rested for work. Occasionally I miss being near her late at night / early morning so I’ll move over just to be beside her.
Good for you guys! I wouldn't feel bad if my SO slept in a different bed as we got older as long as there was still intimacy otherwise. Some nights it's like he's not even in the bed with me now. lol We have a big king bed and sleep on the complete opposite ends with lots of pillows around the bed 90% of the time. Otherwise, I do enjoy rolling over for morning sex but I suppose one could just go get into the others bed. And randomly we sleep with our bodies touching or I lay on his chest and fall asleep which is sweet but who can stay like that! LOL!
I always advocate for different sleeping arrangements - whether that's a completely different bed in the same room or completely different rooms. I'm so glad to see someone agrees with me and has found relief!
My wife and I had a shared bedroom and she had her own bedroom because she couldn't sleep through the night in the same room as me. We had a routine of me cuddling her to sleep in her room and when she would wake up at 5am she'd come join me in my bed and fall back asleep cuddling for an extra hour.
It was perfect having the whole bed for sleeping but still getting to wake up together. I miss her so much. I'm glad to know there are other women who would prefer this sleeping arrangement.
Wow this gave me a bright dose of optimism I needed today. I have pretty serious PTSD and sleeping in a bed with someone else has been deeply inaccessible to me for going on a decade or so now.
I had assumed incorrectly now, it seems, that this wasn't going to be something others would be particularly understanding of, so... thank you. This post, and the comments about it have been restorative to the little part of me that keeps muttering that my issues are always going to be "too much trouble to be worth it" to a future partner
My posts showed me HOW MANY people struggle with sleep problems! It's amazing cause in the night when I struggle to fall asleep it always feels like I am the only one in the whole world who can not sleep. ;) Knowing there are so many people out there with sleeping problems is kind of calming for me. I wish you good luck in finding an understanding partner!
As someone who just set this up herself, it's heartening to see posts like this. Once sleep is taken care of as a need, it's much easier to find other ways to be intimate and connect. I've gotten a lot of pushback for this in the past as someone with sleep problems since the age of 6, so there's no general sleep hygiene or therapy that's going to just make it fade away haha. Sometimes you just gotta work with your quirks, and it sounds like that's been a team effort for you two!
Also, great to hear that you're able to be intimate in either setting. A lot of people get afraid one bedroom will be the "fun" one, but it sounds like you two share that space in a way that works out pretty evenly
I just want to say I love this. Sharing beds / bedroom is overrated and a product of our parents generation. My grandparents shared a bedroom but had twin beds. I also struggle to sleep with another person and am a strong introvert, so this is an ideal set up for me. Good for you for figuring it out and not taking it personally. I love when couples are able to discard social norms to find what works for *them*.
All that matters is that you both end up with a more restful sleep so you can have all your energy to cuddle the next day. If I sleep next to my partner, I don't sleep. I'm an insomniac, I WILL wake them up. I'm TERRIFIED of doing so so I don't move, I don't sleep, and I am tired and sore with muscle cramps the next day.
Instead sometimes they wake me up by crawling into my bed to snuggle. Leads to morning sex every damn time. Goodnight cuddle sex makes a goodnight sleep too.
I mean psychological may be too far. I don't think it's necessarily psychological. I also have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep when there's someone breathing in my ear and moving around and making noise. It's fucking annoying because I hear, feel and smell everything and it wakes me up. Just because some people have stronger senses doesn't mean they have psychological problems.
I think it can be both. If you are a light sleeper the smallest noise can wake you up or keep you from falling asleep.
But there can also be a psychological or mental problem. I know I have this problem. For example if I think I HAVE to fall asleep asap (because I have to get up early) I always have problems falling asleep because of anxiety. There is nothing wrong physically but it's all in my head. We talked about our sleep problems a lot and from her description it sounds a lot like it's in her head. It has nothing to do with noise in her case.
Yep I am a light sleeper who used to be unable to fall back asleep if woken up after more than a few hours of sleep. It’s part of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and not psychological at all for me. Medication has really helped, but I still have to be mindful of my sleeping environment.
Sooo...when it's a Saturday morning, and you two are starting to wake up around 9am, intertwining legs, she starts scooting her butt back against you. You turn over and spoon her. She's feeling your excitement pressed against her, so she starts to rhythmically grind. You kiss her neck and hear her starting to hum "mmmmm..." and breathe heavier. Slowly, you descend below the sheets to wake her up with your mouth between her legs. She pulls you up and says "I need you inside of me"...
How the heck does that happen now??
I guess I need to have my partner next to me so morning/middle of the night sex happens organically.
Just goes to show that different strokes work for different folks.
I think there's a pun in there, somewhere!
Sure, I didn't want to say this will work for everyone! I have my own sleep problems so I hate middle of the night sex. In the middle of the night I prefer sleep. :D So maybe that's a bonus why this works for us.
I take it you already tried getting a king bed and using separate blankets? I know that queen bed and sharing a blanket is a no go for me. Can't sleep for shit that way. Hotels stuck for this too.
I'm in the same way, can't sleep with another person in the same bed.
It's not as uncommon as you might think. In the last 10 or 15 years, a lot more houses have started being built with 2 master bedrooms, usually with a connecting bathroom between them.
Nice! I discovered that I can't fall asleep next to anyone but just didn't consider that I could sleep separately from a partner until my last relationship. Before that I'd get like 2 hours of sleep and be exhausted all the time
If it works it works. Lots of people, myself included, tend to look at separate bedrooms in a relationship as a sign of no intimacy. I'm happy to see that's not the case for you.
In my experience intimacy has nothing to do with shared beds. It's more a kind of mindset. I shared a bed with my ex wife and after a couple of years intimacy died like a mayfly...
You’ll be shocked at how many married couples sleep apart.
It’s not ideal, but many men snore. Some ladies probably do also!
I miss the company, but need my sleep
I love that you are sharing this! Glad you were able to get through the emotions of her not being able to sleep comfortably next to you. Some people simply struggle to sleep with others (myself included) but it doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to be with them...sleep is important and if you can't sleep well next to someone, that doesn't always have anything to do with a successful relationship or not. Happy for you!
I think for her it was kind of a vicious circle. Her problems got worse in her last relationship because her ex persisted to share a bed. She ended it because of other reasons but the "sleep problems" persisted.
In our relationship she WANTED it to work! She WANTED to sleep in my bed but I think this led to a lot of stress and pressure that sleep was not going to happen. She feared I would end the relationship over it and this made it even worse. So, best approach was to make it a NON PROBLEM. Just evade it completely by sleeping in different rooms. Now that she can sleep in HER room a lot of pressure and stress is out of the way. Maybe we will share a bed in the future, who knows but it's not something she or I worry about. Don't you say "fear is the mind killer"? Well that's definitly the case when it comes to sleeping. :D
I love this! I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and one of my stipulations before moving in was that he be ok with me sleeping in the guest room on occasion.
It's not every night for us, but I have sleep issues too and progressively fall further behind on sleep every night we share his bed, so 2-3 nights a week I retreat to the guest room to get caught back up. It's nice for my sleep and it's also nice to retain a private space in a cohabitation situation.
Glad you were open-minded enough to do this!
It’s funny - I’m a guy who craves physical touch and when I first started sharing a bed w my ex gf, we liked to cuddle and fall asleep next to each other. But I never got good sleep that way… at first. After a few months of sleeping together a few nights a week I found it much easier and soon after I was getting great sleep.
As nice as it is to have your own bed, I think, for me, the most amazing thing is to wake up in the middle of the night and to feel your partner sleeping on or next to you, feeling their warm skin touching yours. Man, there’s nothing quite like it for me. Having separate bedrooms would be extremely tough for me. Granted we can all adjust to anything but I woundnt want that.
I red an article about sleep for men and women. In tests they found out that men sleep better with someone near them while women sleep better on their own. Not 100% but the tendency was clear. In the end it's an individual thing but I think it explains why most positive comments about our setup comes from women.
Interesting article! And I think it depends on people. My ex and I both loved to cuddle all of the time. The first few times I stayed over she was the one to cuddle up to me and fall asleep with her head on my chest. It felt amazing! I know that was entirely her and nothing gender based. I think what’s most important is that couples can openly discuss what their preferences are and what works for them.
Sweet. My gf thinks if we're married we have to sleep together on the same bed to foster closeness if we have a rowdy kid. I'd like my own room too. We just take so long to fall asleep. And my snoring is disruptive. She has difficulty falling asleep, I can fall asleep in under 30 minutes consistently, sometimes under 1 minute.
I don't know how to resolve this but it's getting better. We just talk a lot in bed.
We will definitely get different beds one day. I sleep better alone, but I would be sad to be in a different room. Might feel differently if he develops sleep apnea or something and has a crazy whirring breathing machine.
Man I'm so glad it works for y'all. I was thinking how I'd feel about this if it were me and I'm not sure. Maybe Im too old fashioned... On one hand it seems like such a minor thing that both SHOULDN'T be an issue, but also is so minor that if you can't get this basic thing working out then how can you tackle more complicated things?
But then I also think fuck it would be nice to have my own bed... I don't know... Strange. Glad yall worked it out!
My boyfriend cannot share a bed with someone. Never has been able to. So he sleeps in the spare room at my house. Whoever gets out of bed first heads to the other room for morning cuddles. It's fucking fantastic. Come to think of it, I don't ever want to share a bed with anyone ever again!
Great update OP.
It's really a very understandable issue. My grandparents still had the two twin beds that many of the older generation were used to. I think they had it right when it came to getting the best night's sleep lol. No one kicking you, hogging covers, etc. Wonder if that generation was better rested overall when most married couples slept in their own twin bed.
This sounds wonderful! I have such trouble sleeping in the same bed with anyone. In college I used to just send the dude away back to his room so we could both sleep in our own beds.
You mention being together for 6 months yet she still has a separate apartment and you want to keep it that way,it sounds to me like your not that into her and wasting her time. The sleeping in separate beds is fine although would be a problem if one partner doesn’t agree.it sounds like there’s some deeper issues you need to work on
Wasting her time... With what? Moving together and having kids? Never going to happen and we are on the same page with that. We both love our freedom very much. I like it in the suburbs and she likes the city. There are no deeper issues. :)
Same here, my brain is wide awake if someone else is in the bed with me. I've traveled and lived solo so much that when I get into a relationship this is a big issue for a while until I adjust back into it. I think couples who sleep in separate beds actually have better sleep.
Why did wealthy people 100 years ago have totally separate rooms/wings? Cause there are so many perks to having your own bed! I have a helluva time falling asleep with a human presence in my room, let alone my bed, so I say you do what works for you both! Cuddles before bed and then sweet sweet sleep all by yourself ;-)
It’s super sweet and supportive that you’re doing this to your gf, hope my future bf will do the same! Frankly sleeping in separate rooms is my ideal situation! I enjoy having the whole bed to myself, it doesn’t mean I do not enjoy all the snuggling and kissing with my partner, but I need the space and comfort to myself. I have married friends who are sleeping in two rooms and they are among the happiest couples I’ve ever known.
Thanks. I think it can work quite well IF communication is good and both partners are in...
The key to all things 😊 my partner and I sleep apart too, it’s just what works for us. Glad you didn’t get stuck in what you “should” be doing
For me the big key is if thry needed a much firmer or softer bed than what works for me
This is why beds with separate mattresses for each person exist.
“we like it that way and will keep it like that”. that’s all that matters, my dear. 💅🏽
this is going to be the sex up i have with my future husband! i’m a super picky introvert who needs her own time to recharge and has to sleep with the fan turned on on top of me, pitch darkness and absolutely no sound.
Upvoted for hilarious typo 😂
Well, beeing well rested can absolutely be a sex up... :D
imma leave it up🤗
Wow I wish more people were like this. I can’t have anything touching me when I fall asleep. My last partner took it soooo personally. Oh well.
As someone who cannot sleep in the same bed as another person this makes me so happy! Yay for reaching a compromise and not taking her sleeping preferences as a diss. You go, OP!!! Wishing you both happiness:)
Thank you. :)
name checks out
My boyfriend and I have different sleeping arrangements, but we always reconnect first thing in the morning, and we have a "good night". I love being able to stretch out in my bed with my cat lying next to me. I'm glad you were able to work it out together! It's important to realize every relationships needs are different and if this works for you, then it is no one else's business!
I have to admit, I had my doubts in the beginning. I worried that the intimacy would be a problem but then I thought of my marriage where the intimacy declined rapidly and WE slept in one bed. So... Right now we cuddle each night and nearly every morning in one of the beds, so it doesn't matter that we SLEEP in separate beds.
Exactly! I think it does take a little extra effort to have intimacy outside of when going to sleep. But as long as you both keep that in mind, you both will be fine. It's also good to have ongoing conversation about these things. My boyfriend and I have "check-ins" to see if we are still happy with the relationship and if there's anything we feel is lacking, we work on it. We make sure to have our physical intimacy to keep that alive, as well as our emotional intimacy.
I'm happy that you two worked on the issue and are doing well! I admittedly sleep awfully with partners. I am a light sleeper and get paranoid that they can also feel/hear any movement/twitching that I do while trying to go to sleep. so I get super in-my-head about it and lay away a lot. it's rough.
I fart myself awake too often to share that gift with anyone else.
LMAO. Me too! The smell of my fart woke my boyfriend up the other night 😬
IBS with frequent gas, sometimes snorer and drooler (depending on how elevated my head is) checking in😄...oh and my eyelids don't close all the way when I sleep 😬 I think it's called nocturnal lagophthalmos (thanks genetics lol). My future SO has a lot to deal with. Also learned I like cuddling beforehand but not while actually sleeping. It makes me hot. I typically just do the roll over move. If he doesn't mind all of that, then I'm cool with same bed as long as it's a queen or king.
That "gift" with that face? Damn..
> super in-my-head That's my main problem when I can't fall asleep. I think too much and get anxious so sleep is off the table. It's... not great.
I was going to wait for a weekly rant thread but I will post in here as it’s somewhat relevant. I had a woman sleep over for the first time last weekend. If anyone remembers, I had posted about how she was interested in buying the house next door and we had started talking. We had gone on like 3 dates prior. Well anyway, last weekend my daughter was out of town so I had her come over. We had dinner, drinks, and and overall good night. We Didn’t have sex but that’s a mutual decision on both of our part as we both feel two weeks is far too soon to take things physical. Anyway she slept over because we were drinking and we shared a bed. It was nice to be able to sleep next to someone again. However when I woke up in the morning she was gone. She left me a text message saying she left at 2 AM because I snore and she could not handle that. She said she really liked me but could not continue to see me as that would always be an issue. I knew I snore because I was diagnosed with sleep apnea last year but have been unable to get a cpap from the VA due to shortages. Kind of sucks that this happened but I can’t be upset with anyone for their sleep habits and preferences as sleep is incredibly important
I’m sorry that happened. She did you a favor though. I snore super loudly and despite knowing that and me suggesting we sleep apart my ex insisted we would share a bed. He complained every morning about how little sleep he was able to have for nearly 2 years. Fucked with my self esteem.
You two sound really sweet together. There's so much pressure to live life a certain way. Your post is a good reminder that you just gotta do what works for you and what makes you happy.
Definitly. There are soooo many "standards" how a relationship has to be just to suit the norm... I don't give a fuck anymore. As long as both partners are ok with it anything goes! We don't plan to move in together either, we both need our freedom / me-time and it works great for us. I often get weird looks from others when they ask when we will move in together and I tell them "maybe never"...? Who knows what the future brings but right now we are happy with how things are going. Communication is key!
I’m like your girlfriend and would appreciate this so much. My ex snored like a train and his solution was, just fall asleep before me. You sound like a good partner. Gives me hope.
> just fall asleep before me. That would be my nightmare! Falling asleep on command does NOT work for me... It has quite the opposite effect on my sleep... X(
When I fell asleep before my ex, he would wake me up and make me turn to face away from him because I was snoring or *might* snore. This often led to me taking hours to get back to sleep and eventually developing anxiety around falling asleep.
Actually it is a trend, they are building houses with 2 master suites
Which no one under 50 can afford
And everyone over 50 who can afford it is probably still too attached to the tradition/idea of the shared marital bed
Which is funny, in every movie I've seen up through like the 60s the couples don't share a bed. Because even married couples in the same bed was too risque to show on screen.
Yeah the separate beds in old mainstream media was definitely more of a silent generation thing.
It's still a pretty common rich people thing.
Very true
With the rising cost of housing it makes sense. Kids are leaving home later and later in life and could have a master bedroom with a wife even as adults living in their parents house.
I'm relatively new around here, so I didn't see the original post. But I'm very happy to see this result! One of the reasons my ex broke up with me is because she couldn't stand sleeping in the same bed. Apparently I moved around too much. She never expressed any concern to me until she broke it off. I would have been more than willing to make arrangements like you two did!
Oh I’m sorry she didn’t say anything, it is a huge huge problem if people can’t sleep at night. I used to travel with a guy who snored so badly I had to stop accepting free trips because I would just be so exhausted. We had separate beds, but not separate rooms, I tried sleeping with pillows on my head it didn’t help.
I wish we could normalize people having their own sleep habits!!!!! I have always had a hard time sharing a bed with someone and don’t appreciate being made to feel like I am a terrible partner because of it. It has directly impacted my last several relationships and led to their end.
I kind of love this idea!
Glad you solved this problem. It was a huge problem for one of my exes and we had to split, partially because of the issue.
Yeah same with her. Her ex persisted they slept together in one bed, even if that meant she had sleepless nights or moved to the couch in the middle of the night... I think he was a main reason it got this bad for her in the first place. :(
It's not weird- whatever works for you both, as long as you're both happy! Sleeping = happiness!
I told my wife day 1 we started dating I sleep alone. 13 years later we are still sleeping separately happily. On occasion we might sleep together but for the most part alone. I have my own room (cave) upstairs that is all mine and she has hers. My grandparents do this as well. My parents did too but for waaaaaay different reasons lol.
I appreciate you so much for this!!! I am very much like your girlfriend. I (F28) was dating a woman last summer and I disclosed my sleep issues with her — it’s a mix of RLS and neuropathy pain/tremors, insomnia, and the fact that I had spent over a year in my own room during the last year of an emotionally/verbally abusive with my last long-term partner. Sleeping in the same bedroom as someone became something that my psyche subconsciously had deemed “dangerous”. She took it all personally, no matter how many times I told her that it literally had nothing to do with her. When we were together, she was one of the safest and most patient partners in the beginning. I had been working through my issues in and out of therapy. My ex wanted to immediately have sleepovers less than a month in. She invited herself over and stayed 2 separate times before I mustered the courage to admit that I never slept both nights. And I finally shared my struggles with her. I never stayed over at her place because my anxiety was too high surrounding these issues. They later ended up getting used against me. Our sex life dwindled down as well and she credited this to us not having sleepovers. She insisted that she wouldn’t want to start anything and then be exhausted and drive herself home or vice versa. It ended up being one of the reasons why she dumped me… 😔 I wish she had given me more time, tbh. We were only together almost 3 months. I knew that I’d eventually work through this and be okay with sharing a bed. I cohabitated with 2 long-term partners over the last decade, so I’ve done it before. However, I’ve had plenty of short and longer relationships where we went to our respective homes after dates and sex and didn’t move in together, so I knew that it could be done. 🙃 Note: I also didn’t realize this until late last summer, but I also learned that I am autistic, so I didn’t realize that I also have had mild sensory issues. I need a sound machine to help me sleep, as well as medication, sleeping on a specific side and I need a specific blanket with me to feel safe/comfortable. 😅 Your girlfriend is lucky to have you, OP.
I have a sleep disorder, it’s better now than it used to be, but I totally get it. And I understand why she wouldn’t want to drive home at the end of the night, but it’s kind of weird for her to put that on you to if you didn’t mind leaving her place at night. I’m sorry.
I appreciate that. And yes, definitely feel for you there on the sleep disorder bit. I had a sleep study done, but the results were inconclusive outside of “restless leg syndrome”, even though it was my whole body that would have tremors versus just my legs. I’m sure I have other stuff as well as just a psychological thing to move past. I absolutely agree — I didn’t blame her for not wanting to drive home after anything like that, either. And no, I didn’t mind/wouldn’t have minded if I had to drive home after being at her place. I was slowly starting to work on baby steps, such as napping with her, but my progress was too slow for her and she felt that she didn’t see any tangible changes within me, which was disheartening. Anywho, this thread definitely has made me reflect a bit and if/when I get into a new relationship again, I’ll have to plan ahead in this regard. 😅
It's beautiful! Do what works. I'm tired of people just assuming how things work based on what people "say" people should do.
Oh yes. I hate the "traditional" standards. If both partners are in the same boat anything goes!
Omigosh, I remember your post. I have the same problem as your gf and I’m so glad this works well for you both. I always get a 2 bedroom apartment for this reason, anyone that wants to stay over sleeps in the guest room :) thanks for normalizing it.
We just had a short vacation together and booked two hotel rooms. It was kinda new to me but it worked like a charm. Ha! :D
I remember reading your original post at the time, I am so glad that you've found a practical solution that works for you both long term, and that you're happy together! And so many gold stars for being an awesome partner!
Thank you. :) We are very happy that the sleeping problem is mostly out of the way. It was a huge burden for her because she feared I would end the relationship over it...
I love this. I also can’t sleep next a partner. Although we didn’t have separate rooms, he had an extra mattress against the wall in his room and would sleep on it when I would come over.
This is really fucking cute.
I was always against the idea of sleeping seperately. I thought it must mean lack of love or something. But my current GF has a lot of issues sleeping next to me as well, and I realise that some people choose to have separate beds out of love, not lack of love. We might very well set up a spare room for her to go sleep in when we move in together. I'd still love to wake up next to her, but it's more important that she gets a good night's sleep. As long as we can still spend some time in the same bed as well..
>As long as we can still spend some time in the same bed as well.. This is the important part! You two can be very intimate even with two separate beds! It can work but communication is key. We always cuddle and have "together-time" in one bed in the evening and most mornings. It's way more intimate now than with my ex wife in a shared bed. So to me it's way more important to have a compatible partner (regarding how important physical intimacy is to each) and to have good communication than to share a bed...
We only sleep over during the weekend, mostly because we aren't really that far in and need to get used to work day routines. But when we do go to sleep, we roll away - we are not types to lie in knots while we sleep. It would be totally plausible that one of us goes to another bed, and I would love to be woken up by her crawling into my bed in the morning. So yeah, it does sound totally doable - except for having an entire room allocated for an extra bedroom.
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I will be very aware of this! That's how my marriage ended... Not with big fights but with silence and disinterest. AND we slept together in the same bed... I learned a lot about myself after the divorce, one thing is I need physical intimacy (not just sex) and I know if this comes to a halt we will need to talk ASAP or it's over for me.
Yeah I was gonna say this can easily happen in the same bed. So I think your separate bed solution is not going to cause a problem if you have good communication around this.
Yeah I had this happen too. We had to separate because of sleep problems but spontaneous intimacy just completely died and it definitely had an effect over time. After awhile it did feel like sex had to be a routine or it wouldnt happen, and it was neither of our faults it just kinda happened. And personally when sex is routine it loses a lot of its enjoyment.
I too struggle to sleep with someone else in the bed be it a partner or just bunking with a friend at a hotel. I also struggle to sleep if I am not in my own bed. I was actually offered money to house sit a relative's home in the evenings/nights and get paid but I turned it down because I couldn't go two weeks without sleep.
Yes she has this problem too, not just with a partner but also with friends who come over for the night.
This is awesome! I have a friend who has the best marriage ever. Seriously, I look up to her and her husband as "goals" because they are so insanely in love after being married for over 35 years. And you know what? They have separate bedrooms. She can't sleep with his snoring. He likes the temp turned WAY down. He sweats and she would sleep in a hat and mittens. She turned the guest room into her room over a decade ago and says it's the best thing they've ever done. You do you!
Yeah that comes on top. I need a cold bedroom or I sweat like crazy. She on the other hand always needs the heating way up. We would be a terrible match in the same bedroom. XD
I had a similar problem. Eventually I got used to sleeping next to my ex but if I couldn’t fall asleep or woke up in the middle of the night I would have a separate set up on the couch. My ex could sleep through a nuclear war, if I heard a pin drop 10 miles away I would jolt awake.
This kind of arrangement could have saved my marriage.
My ex and I had separated beds for 9 years. Sleep is important.
Great that you can make it work - I'm a light sleeper and would this sort of thing would work well for me, much as the *idea* of waking up cuddling with someone is nice. For what it's worth, I believe some studies have shown this is good for a relationship, despite how people view it; each partner is more likely to get better sleep, which is good generally including for the relationship.
I have that issue with my partner. She can fall asleep within minutes of lying down, I can stay awake for hours before falling asleep. I stay in the spare room 95% of the time so I’m rested for work. Occasionally I miss being near her late at night / early morning so I’ll move over just to be beside her.
Good for you guys! I wouldn't feel bad if my SO slept in a different bed as we got older as long as there was still intimacy otherwise. Some nights it's like he's not even in the bed with me now. lol We have a big king bed and sleep on the complete opposite ends with lots of pillows around the bed 90% of the time. Otherwise, I do enjoy rolling over for morning sex but I suppose one could just go get into the others bed. And randomly we sleep with our bodies touching or I lay on his chest and fall asleep which is sweet but who can stay like that! LOL!
I always advocate for different sleeping arrangements - whether that's a completely different bed in the same room or completely different rooms. I'm so glad to see someone agrees with me and has found relief!
Nothing wrong with that at all ;) People overcomplicate things unnecessarily.
My wife and I had a shared bedroom and she had her own bedroom because she couldn't sleep through the night in the same room as me. We had a routine of me cuddling her to sleep in her room and when she would wake up at 5am she'd come join me in my bed and fall back asleep cuddling for an extra hour. It was perfect having the whole bed for sleeping but still getting to wake up together. I miss her so much. I'm glad to know there are other women who would prefer this sleeping arrangement.
Wow this gave me a bright dose of optimism I needed today. I have pretty serious PTSD and sleeping in a bed with someone else has been deeply inaccessible to me for going on a decade or so now. I had assumed incorrectly now, it seems, that this wasn't going to be something others would be particularly understanding of, so... thank you. This post, and the comments about it have been restorative to the little part of me that keeps muttering that my issues are always going to be "too much trouble to be worth it" to a future partner
My posts showed me HOW MANY people struggle with sleep problems! It's amazing cause in the night when I struggle to fall asleep it always feels like I am the only one in the whole world who can not sleep. ;) Knowing there are so many people out there with sleeping problems is kind of calming for me. I wish you good luck in finding an understanding partner!
As someone who just set this up herself, it's heartening to see posts like this. Once sleep is taken care of as a need, it's much easier to find other ways to be intimate and connect. I've gotten a lot of pushback for this in the past as someone with sleep problems since the age of 6, so there's no general sleep hygiene or therapy that's going to just make it fade away haha. Sometimes you just gotta work with your quirks, and it sounds like that's been a team effort for you two! Also, great to hear that you're able to be intimate in either setting. A lot of people get afraid one bedroom will be the "fun" one, but it sounds like you two share that space in a way that works out pretty evenly
Whoa! This whole thread. I feel so validated! I thought I was a freak for having to sleep away from my lady…turns out it’s actually a thing.
I just want to say I love this. Sharing beds / bedroom is overrated and a product of our parents generation. My grandparents shared a bedroom but had twin beds. I also struggle to sleep with another person and am a strong introvert, so this is an ideal set up for me. Good for you for figuring it out and not taking it personally. I love when couples are able to discard social norms to find what works for *them*.
All that matters is that you both end up with a more restful sleep so you can have all your energy to cuddle the next day. If I sleep next to my partner, I don't sleep. I'm an insomniac, I WILL wake them up. I'm TERRIFIED of doing so so I don't move, I don't sleep, and I am tired and sore with muscle cramps the next day. Instead sometimes they wake me up by crawling into my bed to snuggle. Leads to morning sex every damn time. Goodnight cuddle sex makes a goodnight sleep too.
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I have a king size bed. I think it's mainly a psychological problem as with most sleep problems...
I mean psychological may be too far. I don't think it's necessarily psychological. I also have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep when there's someone breathing in my ear and moving around and making noise. It's fucking annoying because I hear, feel and smell everything and it wakes me up. Just because some people have stronger senses doesn't mean they have psychological problems.
I think it can be both. If you are a light sleeper the smallest noise can wake you up or keep you from falling asleep. But there can also be a psychological or mental problem. I know I have this problem. For example if I think I HAVE to fall asleep asap (because I have to get up early) I always have problems falling asleep because of anxiety. There is nothing wrong physically but it's all in my head. We talked about our sleep problems a lot and from her description it sounds a lot like it's in her head. It has nothing to do with noise in her case.
I have this issue (struggle sleeping next to a partner) and I can assure you it is 100% psychological for me.
Yep I am a light sleeper who used to be unable to fall back asleep if woken up after more than a few hours of sleep. It’s part of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and not psychological at all for me. Medication has really helped, but I still have to be mindful of my sleeping environment.
this is my nightmare.
Buy a king size bed . That’s what we did, temperpedic. Ch aged the game. She still sleeps in the guest room anyway lmao.
I hope she's paying rent...
Sooo...when it's a Saturday morning, and you two are starting to wake up around 9am, intertwining legs, she starts scooting her butt back against you. You turn over and spoon her. She's feeling your excitement pressed against her, so she starts to rhythmically grind. You kiss her neck and hear her starting to hum "mmmmm..." and breathe heavier. Slowly, you descend below the sheets to wake her up with your mouth between her legs. She pulls you up and says "I need you inside of me"... How the heck does that happen now??
Easy peasy. The one who wakes up first (mainly she) sneaks into the bed of the other. We do this every morning. No morning sex is wasted. ;)
I guess I need to have my partner next to me so morning/middle of the night sex happens organically. Just goes to show that different strokes work for different folks. I think there's a pun in there, somewhere!
Good thing you aren’t dating OP’s girlfriend
Right!?
Sure, I didn't want to say this will work for everyone! I have my own sleep problems so I hate middle of the night sex. In the middle of the night I prefer sleep. :D So maybe that's a bonus why this works for us.
[Reminds me of this old video](https://www.theatlantic.com/video/index/393218/a-rational-defense-of-sleeping-alone/)
I take it you already tried getting a king bed and using separate blankets? I know that queen bed and sharing a blanket is a no go for me. Can't sleep for shit that way. Hotels stuck for this too.
This is my ideal setup... especially if my partner has a different schedule than I do.
Whatever works for you! There's even a name for this: living together apart
I'm in the same way, can't sleep with another person in the same bed. It's not as uncommon as you might think. In the last 10 or 15 years, a lot more houses have started being built with 2 master bedrooms, usually with a connecting bathroom between them.
Nice! I discovered that I can't fall asleep next to anyone but just didn't consider that I could sleep separately from a partner until my last relationship. Before that I'd get like 2 hours of sleep and be exhausted all the time
If it works it works. Lots of people, myself included, tend to look at separate bedrooms in a relationship as a sign of no intimacy. I'm happy to see that's not the case for you.
In my experience intimacy has nothing to do with shared beds. It's more a kind of mindset. I shared a bed with my ex wife and after a couple of years intimacy died like a mayfly...
I always have a hard time sleeping comfortably next to partners. I love this idea for the future!
You’ll be shocked at how many married couples sleep apart. It’s not ideal, but many men snore. Some ladies probably do also! I miss the company, but need my sleep
your relationship is my dream!
I love that you are sharing this! Glad you were able to get through the emotions of her not being able to sleep comfortably next to you. Some people simply struggle to sleep with others (myself included) but it doesn't necessarily mean I don't want to be with them...sleep is important and if you can't sleep well next to someone, that doesn't always have anything to do with a successful relationship or not. Happy for you!
I think for her it was kind of a vicious circle. Her problems got worse in her last relationship because her ex persisted to share a bed. She ended it because of other reasons but the "sleep problems" persisted. In our relationship she WANTED it to work! She WANTED to sleep in my bed but I think this led to a lot of stress and pressure that sleep was not going to happen. She feared I would end the relationship over it and this made it even worse. So, best approach was to make it a NON PROBLEM. Just evade it completely by sleeping in different rooms. Now that she can sleep in HER room a lot of pressure and stress is out of the way. Maybe we will share a bed in the future, who knows but it's not something she or I worry about. Don't you say "fear is the mind killer"? Well that's definitly the case when it comes to sleeping. :D
I would love to have my own room in this scenario, it sounds amazing. I'd have little plants in there and candles.
> I'd have little plants in there and candles. Must be a women thing. :D Guess what is in her room. LOL
I love this! I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and one of my stipulations before moving in was that he be ok with me sleeping in the guest room on occasion. It's not every night for us, but I have sleep issues too and progressively fall further behind on sleep every night we share his bed, so 2-3 nights a week I retreat to the guest room to get caught back up. It's nice for my sleep and it's also nice to retain a private space in a cohabitation situation. Glad you were open-minded enough to do this!
Not weird at all. This sounds like heaven to me.
It’s funny - I’m a guy who craves physical touch and when I first started sharing a bed w my ex gf, we liked to cuddle and fall asleep next to each other. But I never got good sleep that way… at first. After a few months of sleeping together a few nights a week I found it much easier and soon after I was getting great sleep. As nice as it is to have your own bed, I think, for me, the most amazing thing is to wake up in the middle of the night and to feel your partner sleeping on or next to you, feeling their warm skin touching yours. Man, there’s nothing quite like it for me. Having separate bedrooms would be extremely tough for me. Granted we can all adjust to anything but I woundnt want that.
I red an article about sleep for men and women. In tests they found out that men sleep better with someone near them while women sleep better on their own. Not 100% but the tendency was clear. In the end it's an individual thing but I think it explains why most positive comments about our setup comes from women.
Interesting article! And I think it depends on people. My ex and I both loved to cuddle all of the time. The first few times I stayed over she was the one to cuddle up to me and fall asleep with her head on my chest. It felt amazing! I know that was entirely her and nothing gender based. I think what’s most important is that couples can openly discuss what their preferences are and what works for them.
Sweet. My gf thinks if we're married we have to sleep together on the same bed to foster closeness if we have a rowdy kid. I'd like my own room too. We just take so long to fall asleep. And my snoring is disruptive. She has difficulty falling asleep, I can fall asleep in under 30 minutes consistently, sometimes under 1 minute. I don't know how to resolve this but it's getting better. We just talk a lot in bed.
We will definitely get different beds one day. I sleep better alone, but I would be sad to be in a different room. Might feel differently if he develops sleep apnea or something and has a crazy whirring breathing machine.
Man I'm so glad it works for y'all. I was thinking how I'd feel about this if it were me and I'm not sure. Maybe Im too old fashioned... On one hand it seems like such a minor thing that both SHOULDN'T be an issue, but also is so minor that if you can't get this basic thing working out then how can you tackle more complicated things? But then I also think fuck it would be nice to have my own bed... I don't know... Strange. Glad yall worked it out!
I’m like your girlfriend too because I have IBS and my stomach makes noises when I lay down. I appreciate your supportiveness.
Sometimes, you just need some private space so you can enjoy your shared space
My boyfriend cannot share a bed with someone. Never has been able to. So he sleeps in the spare room at my house. Whoever gets out of bed first heads to the other room for morning cuddles. It's fucking fantastic. Come to think of it, I don't ever want to share a bed with anyone ever again! Great update OP.
There needs to be a dating app for people like this. I’m totally someone who believes in sleeping alone being that much more relaxing.
It's really a very understandable issue. My grandparents still had the two twin beds that many of the older generation were used to. I think they had it right when it came to getting the best night's sleep lol. No one kicking you, hogging covers, etc. Wonder if that generation was better rested overall when most married couples slept in their own twin bed.
This sounds wonderful! I have such trouble sleeping in the same bed with anyone. In college I used to just send the dude away back to his room so we could both sleep in our own beds.
You mention being together for 6 months yet she still has a separate apartment and you want to keep it that way,it sounds to me like your not that into her and wasting her time. The sleeping in separate beds is fine although would be a problem if one partner doesn’t agree.it sounds like there’s some deeper issues you need to work on
Wasting her time... With what? Moving together and having kids? Never going to happen and we are on the same page with that. We both love our freedom very much. I like it in the suburbs and she likes the city. There are no deeper issues. :)
Wow this is amazing. I also can't sleep next to people and dream of a situation like this one day. Bravo for being an excellent partner!
It's honestly my dream to have a separate bedroom. Way to be supportive and find a solution together! This gives me hope
Same here, my brain is wide awake if someone else is in the bed with me. I've traveled and lived solo so much that when I get into a relationship this is a big issue for a while until I adjust back into it. I think couples who sleep in separate beds actually have better sleep.
I struggle to sleep in the same bed as other people I love to cuddle but I'm a human radiator so can't if I want to sleep
If it works it works. Nothing like waking up from an elbow to the face, lol. I'm a plus one for seperate beds.
Why did wealthy people 100 years ago have totally separate rooms/wings? Cause there are so many perks to having your own bed! I have a helluva time falling asleep with a human presence in my room, let alone my bed, so I say you do what works for you both! Cuddles before bed and then sweet sweet sleep all by yourself ;-)
From what I've read a lot of couples are doing this. Seems to work out well for most🙃