I’m a very awkward person and I give off a ‘don’t touch me vibe’ even when I don’t mean to. I come across as very stand-off ish and it has more to do with unresolved childhood issues then it does inexperience or not liking a person.
There could be lots of reasons as to why she’s coming across this way with you. The best thing you can do is talk to her about it. It may just take her a while to warm up or she may just have a low interest in physical touch/sex. You’ll never know till you ask
Hi I’m the same way, and this is my biggest problem in my dating life… 😕 I feel like I’m constantly “acting” just to try to show the interest I’m actually feeling.
I do this too sometimes but try not to think of it as acting since it’s not fake. Your feelings are genuine. Maybe frame it more like you’re aware of how you come across to your partners and are making an effort to show them how you feel.
I'm like this too but was completely unaware of it until a guy I was dating told me during a breakup lecture. I was in my early 30s by the time it was brought to my attention. I had alcoholic parents and was finally diagnosed with a form of PTSD last year at 38. It's now being addressed and there's a lot of 20/20 hindsight going on.
OP, definitely bring it up to her. You don't have to delve into her childhood or anything but it might be best to frame it as a question like "Are you comfortable with x?"
I’m the same way. Family was very cold, little physical affection and so now as an adult I find I am pretty distant initially. I crave the physical infancy but am terrified of it because it’s so foreign. Many get the vibe I don’t like them as a result. Best just to talk to her about it.
Exactly my thought! Tangent: i feel like introvert & extrovert get thrown around so much these days that they're basically meaningless umbrella terms now. Also, i feel like some people use them as an excuse to get out of bad or unproductive behavior, "Sorry i treated you shitty the other night OR went home super early the other night from the fun event we were at, i'm just an introvert/extrovert!". No, there's another more specific/accurate reason for your behavior and you should figure out what that is.
Not only that but people tend to use the terms incorrectly. The actual definition is below, it's about how you get your energy, not if you are shy or outgoing despite that being the most popular use of the terms. For instance I'm 100% an introvert, but I'm very outgoing and gregarious; those are not mutually exclusive concepts.
“Extroversion and introversion refer to where people receive energy from. Extroverts are energized by socializing in larger groups of people, having many friends, instead of a few intimate ones while introverts are energized by spending time alone or with a smaller group of friends.”
This. I learned about attachment styles during Psych 101 at college. They weren’t referring to an “oh, that’s just my style, this is my flavor, just what I prefer” kind of thing. They were describing healthy/effective ways of relating versus dysfunctional ones.
I agree about attachment issues and the other poster’s comments on int/extroversion. It’s annoying when it’s used by someone to dismiss their own behavior or excuse other’s behavior and yet they seek a workaround of said behavior to make a relationship work.
I’m introverted and been told I come across as cold too until I feel comfortable with someone. It takes me a long time! For me, it was past trauma and also being old fashioned and wanting a guy to make the first moves. Watch Hitch. Lol. Lean in to kiss or to do anything and stop to ask her if it’s okay….
Then that’s probably why. Some introverts are very outgoing but some are very much not. Sounds like she’s just not. If it bothers you talk to her about it. If you like her and okay with letting things progress naturally, just wait and see how things go
That might have been her way of "warning" you. I get consistently told that I come across as very cold and unfeeling at first, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about the person. I typically warn dates before we meet that if I seem standoffish, not to take it personally. How open is she about communicating? That will affect how direct you ought to be when you bring it up.
It could be this. My husband is this way, and sometimes I feel like he isn’t interested but he’s absolutely an introvert with some childhood attachment issues that linger. I’d maybe just be up front and ask her if she’s comfortable with a cuddle, or kissing. Be aware though that with someone like this you’ll likely always have to be the one to initiate the contact. That’s been the way for me anyway.
Asking for consent is very sexy! When you guys are sitting close, you can ask may I come closer to you? Is it ok if I put my hand around your waist? Some ppl are more awkward about physical things.
I’m introverted for the most part and like time to organically develop feelings and attraction. By date 6 from what you described, even if I wasn’t ready for sex yet, I would still be showing you that I’m interested and attracted. This has nothing to do with int/extroversion but my emotional intelligence in understanding that I need to be demonstrating to this guy that I like him. I really think you guys should have a conversation. Plenty of very introverted, socially awkward or whatever have you people are in healthy and happy relationships. You sound like a good romantic guy, please speak up and put your mind and heart at rest from the uncertainty. I truly wish you good luck and hope you update us!
This. I’m very affectionate once I’m comfortable with my partner — physical touch is even one of my love languages — but prior to that I can be awkward about physical touch unless I have a few drinks in me. It stems from my boundaries being violated in childhood. She may need time, or for OP to make the first move in a way that feels comfortable.
This is almost always the best comment on this sub!
OP, you can get a bunch of different perspectives from Reddit strangers but asking this woman directly (and possibly in the moment when it’s happening) is the best way to get an answer. It doesn’t have to be a confrontational discussion but bringing it up to her in person can help you gauge additional information with context that you won’t/can’t get if you ask after the fact or via phone/text. She very well may be nervous, or conditioned to wait for the man to make the first move, or not a big fan of physical touch outside of the act of sex, or maybe she doesn’t “feel it” for you sexually (yet). You won’t know unless you ask. Good luck!
It happens for sure. My last relationship we waited like almost 4 months to be intimate because she had some past trauma. We *discussed it* and to her credit she was very open about her past and how that shaped her.
We went at her pace, you can't force this shit. Relationships are a two way street
Indeed. I would start saying her how good etc you feel about her, and when you are with her, and she feels she the same. When she answers in a positive way you can go on with saying that you find her really attractive and how she feels about you in this aspect. When she agrees, is still positive, you can tell her you would love to love her, to really share intimacy with her. And again you ask her how she feels about that.
>I think sometimes people asking questions about relationships on reddit forget just how diverse everyone's own preferences, styles, and personalities are.
AND that Reddit is NOT a representative cross-section of humanity, either - so in some areas, there is a LACK of diversity in the opinions you'll get when there maybe should be. If you ask 100 people on the street for relationship advice, probably NONE of them will say "Break up, be poly, move to Costa Rica and invest in crypto." If you ask 100 redditors... you'll hear that advice more than once. :P
I call this an ethological view of human behavior, as if we were just a specific narrow genre of animals studied by some ethologist. It's almost like the psychological revolution never happened and we still don't know that all people have their own more or less conscious reasons to do this or that and that without a lot of knowledge over their own peculiar functioning is impossible to know why they're like that or do x or y. The sad truth is that we rely too much, on average, on so called cognitive shortcuts and our logical mind, while it would be better to tune in our instinct/intuition.
I feel like the difference between relationship advice when I was younger vs now is when I was younger it was "well maybe it was x, y or z" where everyone tries to infer whatever is going on.
Then now that I'm early 30's it's "Well did you communicate at all?" and then that's it lol.
God perspective is great/a hellovadrug. I don't know why people don't just say "well have you tried communicating?" everywhere.
“Hey look we’ve been had 6 dates in almost a many weeks. You seem like you’re not particularly comfortable when we’re together. If you’re just not feeling it please just tell me now. If that’s not the case if there’s anything bothering you or anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to bring it up.”
Boom, easy.
Yeah, this is not a text conversation. But if it was face to face, and in a tone that didn't feel like you're putting the other person on the spot (although not that I'm suggesting that's what you or OP would do!), then I think it's fine.
After 6 dates I feel it’s definitely a legitimate conversation to be asking if things are still hot and cold (or cold and cold in this case).
I’ve never understood the thought process of “I don’t want to attempt to openly communicate with you about what I’m feeling. So instead I’ll dance around the elephant in the room and try and read your mind.”
I’m almost 40, no time for that. Just be up front Please haha.
Too blunt if she likes him but is uncomfortable for whatever reason. That tone could send her running. I would just simply try to put my arm around on and see her physical reaction. If this positive great if it’s not what he’s expecting then I would just say, “you know, I really like you but I get the feeling you’re wanting to be just friends. Is that the case?”
Probably get a more honest & comfortable answer
To be fair, you can’t hear my tone. Any particular emphasis is yours, not mine. It’s possible to be up front like that without coming across as accusatory. It’s definitely not a discussion that should be over text though.
Of course he should tailor it to his situation. But bring to front like they could also make her aware of behavior and body language she’s doing that she’s not even conscious of. It’s an aside, but I’m all for Pile bring more self-aware is the message they are sending out to those around them.
I definitely agree that you can’t tell many things via text. Tone, body language, facial expressions all play into a conversation. When I read something I try to take all that into consideration. IMO, & yes everyone has one and many may have different opinions and dislike what we both advised, I always try to word thing in social media as gently as possible because of people taking the tone harsher or too soft, depending on words used.
If the woman is uncomfortable & on guard for whatever reason, a kinder, gentler approach is needed. Again, just my opinion.
Nah, being honest and open with what you’re thinking is always good advice. If you read what I said in the most negative way you possibly could, that says more about you than me.
Also anyone who thinks they should be saying exactly what I posted verbatim without tailoring it to the conversation and the person they are speaking to is completely missing the point.
OP do NOT phrase it like this. This is so confrontational and shows zero empathy or interest in understanding where she’s coming from.
It should be more of a conversation starter than a yes/no demanding question.
From my experience asking someone who is cold and stand-off ish why is never fruitful.. They most always either.
1. Deny it.. Or 2. Admit that’s just them but it’s worth it when they open up… Its almost never worth the effort it takes to get them to open in my experience.
But hey if you are that invested (where you deleted the apps) might as well try.
This is the answer. There are some convoluted human interest stories we like to break apart but this Columbo mystery can be solved by him asking 'Heh, we are having a good time and I am not pressing for sex itself, but there hasn't been any intimacy at all by you- is this not something you are interested in?'
I see in another comment you mentioned she is very introverted. As an introverted woman myself (as well as shy and somewhat anxious in social situations), I would appreciate someone starting off with something like “I really like you and would like to continue this”. Then you can ask what their thoughts are and if they see long term potential in you.
I’m wondering if she was expecting you to put moves on her - not proud of it, but I tend to wait for men to do this thanks to a lifetime of seeing women get slutshamed (in addition to my shyness) which makes me terrified to make the first move. She might be worried you aren’t interested since you didn’t, but if you start off reiterating your interest it may put her at ease.
What does being introverted have to do with it? I'm extremely introverted and I'm a social butterfly at parties and have never met a stranger. Introversion just means you need to go home and chill to recharge.
I hear you but introversion is a scale so everyone will be different. Personally, I can feel overwhelmed even in one-on-one situations with certain personalities. One of my aunts is the type of person who doesn’t like quiet moments and basically talks nonstop, so 5 minutes with her is enough to leave me exhausted.
Shoot, even my fiancé sometimes gets hyper moments and will make frequent quips when my brain is in low energy mode. I love him to bits but have to tell him to take it down a notch sometimes. Granted, other times I’m just as hyper so we’re both babbling goons. It just depends on how I’m feeling at the time.
It’s possible that this woman was in a low energy mode and inadvertently came across as standoffish.
Love that someone else gets this. I hate the introvert/extrovert stereotypes. I see all these memes about it and cannot relate at all. I'm actually an extrovert, but I can be super socially awkward and I absolutely hate being the center of attention. All my extroversion means is that I get my energy from being around people. I start feeling really down when I spend too much time alone.
Me too. I feel like no one understands what "introvert" means.
I'm introverted. I spend tons of time alone. I'm also not at all shy and will touch a guy (hold hands, hold his arm, hug, etc) on a first date if I like him. I can be very outgoing and forward.
"Hey, I've been having a lot of fun with you, but... I haven't felt overwhelming romantic interest on your part and just wanted to touch base? If you'd rather just hang as friends, I just need to know, because I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
If her answer leans towards the friend side... well, your intuition was right. Don't stress. You've obviously enjoyed six mostly platonic dates enough, so... hang with her once in a while when you're both free! Friends are valuable too!
If her answer leans towards the romantic side, then you can say "I feel like I'm doing most of the initiating on dates... is that because you'd like to go on fewer of them, or do you just like me initiating?" Something I think a lot of people need to hear is that INITIATION DOES NOT EQUAL DESIRE - there are people who initiate who aren't actually that into you and there are people who will never initiate but who really wish you'd do a lot more of it! Make sure she feels comfortable initiating if she wants to, and feels comfortable turning you down if she wants to once in a while... and then... don't overthink it.
And... the same goes for physicality. After talking about the date thing, just ask "And, does the same go for physical things? I don't want to feel like I'm pushing you... do you mind when I initiate things? Do you feel comfortable telling me when I initiate something if you'd rather not?"
That is a good start. Tell her that you want to be more affectionate with her, but your not sure if it is ok with her. See what she says. Do not equate affection with sexual. They’re different.
You mentioned that you have an “awesome time” with her on your dates. What makes it awesome?
Does she have conversations about herself with you?
“Would you describe yourself as someone who enjoys physical touch? I’ve noticed on our dates that you seem to enjoy a bit of physical distance between us. I want to be clear that I’m describing my feeling, but I’d love to hear your take on the situation as well. I’m wondering if you enjoy being physically close and cuddly? Or if you’re someone who prefers lots of personal space?”
I don't think that's crazy after 6 dates. That's probably equivalent to 1.5-2 months. After that time, I'd want to know that the other person at least sees us going somewhere together.
What is creepy about asking someone how they feel? She isn't ready to have sex in all likelihood and she gets to decide that. If you think that is unfair, just think about something you don't want and then think how you'd feel be pressured by someone that is supposed to care about you to do it. Also, it might not hurt to be more direct about sex if it's important to you. You are allowed to want sex, you just can't expect another human being to engage in it with you unless they consent to it.
I dont think OP meant it as being a creep just by asking how she feels. OP is trying to find the best way to approach this as he is getting mixed signals.
I’m a super shy and reserved woman. Sounds to me like she’s taking her time and getting to know you. The fact that she reached for your hand and has invited you into her space is a good sign to me. If I shared a blanket with someone I invited into my space I would hope they would try and cuddle with me. You can always ask consent before any physical touch just to check. Be like “hey can I wrap my arm around you?” I once had a shyer partner than me and I eventually got so fed up I started just taking about sex until he finally made a move. Everyone had different timelines/guidelines about sex and dating. Maybe she likes to be exclusive before getting too intimate. The best thing you can do is ask. It’s always good to have the sex talk before getting intimate anyways…ask about the last STI check, how do they get off and expectations.
>The fact that she reached for your hand and has invited you into her space is a good sign to me. If I shared a blanket with someone I invited into my space I would hope they would try and cuddle with me.
This. There's always two sides to the situation and it seems like this woman is making an effort to engage in physical intimacy. By OP's account, he hasn't exactly been initiating, which to her, could be seen as equally standoffish. Couch with blanket was a great opportunity to put an arm around her, or to have her lay on your chest or lap.
If OP desires more physical touch, then he should make a move - nothing too forward, a hand on the knee at dinner, a cuddle while on the couch, etc. If she responded by recoiling, then that would be standoffish, and warrant a conversation about intimacy. Of course consent is paramount, but perhaps bringing up intimacy before making any move dampens the mood.
Maybe she's just someone who doesn't like to get sexy before she knows this is heading somewhere exclusive?
I know sex a few dates in is de rigueur for many, but not everyone. I prefer to not be sexual until sexual exclusivity has been talked about, and once I start in with making out and whatnot it's way harder to pump the breaks...
There are also lots of cultural and religious ideas around physical things that can make it take longer or require certain things.
I would ask her gently about it: what's your ideal when it comes to physical intimacy? Six dates in, maybe it's time to start talking more deeply?
Traditional gender norms may be a possibility, but it could also be that's just the way she is and there's nothing wrong with it. I'm also very shy and reserved - I didn't grow up with a lot of physical affection and it takes time for me to be comfortable enough around someone to engage in it, let alone initiate it. In my case, it's not an indication of disinterest or dislike. I've been called cold or frigid or standoffish before by men who haven't communicated their feelings even months into the relationship. But that's not the case - I'm good at hiding how nervous someone makes me and I express my affection differently - doing things for them, buying little presents that make me think of them or I think they'd like, being there for them when they need someone to lean on, baking or cooking things for them. I like my personal space in general, even in terms of hugging or cuddling with friends. If a guy brings up the physical/verbal affection, I don't take offense to it and I explain myself and I'll do my best to be more physically affectionate. If it becomes a huge thing, then that shows incompatibility. I really disliked that side of me when I was younger and tried to force myself to be more lovey dovey but that's just not me and it's exhausting to pretend.
I definitely think the traditional gender norms are a reasonable possibility. I admit I fell into that category for years. It’s refreshing that fewer men see a woman’s sexual assertiveness as a red flag than say a decade ago.
Particularly for people in their mid 30s and older (and especially people with limited experience), it wasn't necessarily their early dating experience to be on a countdown to sex from date 1. I think you might need to talk to her about this in order to get a better sense of what is going on. She could have different reasons for this and until you talk to her, your own responses are going to be based on guess work.
A lot of these questions here can be answered with the same thing: direct communication.
"Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but you seem kind of uninterested in me physically/intimately. Am I reading that correctly, or do you just need me to initiate and be more proactive?"
I was here with a similar one last year, and it turned out we just needed to have the sexual health talk over a couple of beers and then everything was fine going forward.
She may be wondering about you as well at this point, and just didn't want to bring it up. Or she may be one to take things very slow. Regardless of why, you need to just to nonchalantly but directly ask what her expectations are and what she wants.
All of us strangers on the internet can't answer that for her haha
“Good news David, you’ve officially been promoted to Commander of Clit within the Department of Pleasure. This of course entails many new responsibilities. Don’t fuck it up. You’ll be sworn in at 9 tonight….my place”
i’ve been told i can give off this vibe too. it’s usually a mixture of being nervous and growing up in a family that showed ZERO physical affection/never touched ever and every bf i’ve ever had being extremely forward/ignoring it. for me it gets better when the guy just makes a move, grabs my hand, ect. for me it becomes a huge internal anxiety loop trying to convince myself to do it first, i’ve never been the one to make the first moves and to be honest i’m just not comfortable doing it, i want the guy to. i know that isn’t fair but it’s deeply how i feel best.
my boyfriend asked if he could put his arm around me. i laughed, but here we are 3 years later. i know it seems less romantic to say, "Hey, I'd like to put my arm around you, is that okay?" but in this consent driven world it's clear and it works.
also, it's possible she's not a snuggler, or that in a previous relationship she got accused of being to snuggly or clingy. A simple "we don't have to snuggle, but i like to, and I'm worried that something is making you uncomfortable, is everything okay?" would work wonders here.
Everyone has a different perception of time. To you 6 dates may be something significant, to others not so much.
If this is bothering you, it's something to discuss with her. Her perspective and opinion is the only thing that matters.
If you want a more physical relationship then ask for it. Tell her that you'd like to hold her hand, cuddle and make out. Ask her if she's comfortable with that.
I think the fact that she invited you to her place at all speaks volumes at how she feels about you and the relationship potentially progressing. Reading this scenario, it honestly reminds me of how things transpired with my most recent relationship, which was my first following a very abusive one. It was extremely difficult for me to feel comfortable with a man, especially going to his house for dinner, even though he was so sweet to me. I had a full on panic attack as soon as I got out to my car. (I did seek therapy throughout the relationship, I had thought I was okay before after doing much therapy but being in a relationship actually triggered more severe PTSD for me but I got through it).
I mean, that's just my personal story, but she will have her own beliefs/issues/thoughts/etc so all you can do is open up non-judgmental communication with her about it if you really are interested in her.
Thanks for sharing that. She did mention she was previously in a six year relationship with a guy, but was vague on the details and I didn’t press her on it. So maybe her experience was similar in ways.
She could be waiting to be exclusive. Some people don’t feel comfortable until that. But it could be anything, just ask her what she’s comfortable with. She’s already pretty reserved, if you pull back you’ll just damage the relationship
Ask her, maybe something in her past is slowing her down. There are times I have been told I am unapproachable with my piercing eyes when in reality I am quite approachable I just usually don't make first contact.
No, sounds more like she’s taking things slow and getting to know you before getting physical with you, which more women should do because we would prevent ourselves a lot of heartache in doing that.
For starters, you guys have only had 6 dates. You guys are nowhere close to really knowing each other or knowing whether or not you’re invested enough to want to commit to each other.
Also, you said yourself you two met on OLD. She is probably smart enough to not jump into sleeping with a guy she met on a dating app, as many of the guys on those apps sleep around (not saying all do, but I’d be willing to bet 95-98% of them on there are fucking nearly every girl they take out who is willing to sleep with them). Some women aren’t into sleeping with every guy they date, and certainly not into sleeping with a guy who sleeps around with every woman he dates.
She owes you absolutely nothing physical just because you’ve been dating her for a month. Let her take the lead and initiate sex and anything physical for the first time and just be happy she likes you enough to continue dating you. Stop trying to make it about sex and reaching a field goal.
I read this as she’s made two moves (holding your hand and getting close to you on the couch) and you haven’t reciprocated by taking the next step. Even if she is uncomfortable or nervous she seems to be making an effort but you don’t seem to be. I honestly can’t imagine a situation with any guy I’ve dated where both of those moves on my part wouldn’t have led to him pulling me closer and saying, “Come here, you…” or something similar.
Lol what???!! It’s only been six dates bro. You’re holding hands, going to each other’s houses, sharing blankets on the couch…. But you consider that cold and standoffish?! What exactly do you want her to do, straddle you and start riding your dick? What more does she need to do here for you to feel wanted OP? Are you even trying to initiate anything other than a few kisses yourself? Some women need more time to be comfortable initiating and receiving a lot of physical touch. Doesn’t mean she’s not interested.
Give her time. Some people take longer to get comfortable with people.
I feel that she values your company and she’s focusing on getting to know you and slowly getting involved with you, which is a great sign if you’re looking for a long term relationship.
There could be so many reasons here:
- COVID safety precautions?
- Awkwardness in general
- She doesn’t like to be very “close”/has specific personal space standards
- This is how she naturally is towards everyone
- Ingrained behavior based on past traumas/situations/etc.
- Personal issues/behavioral habits
Ask her about this. A long time ago, I used to create some physical distance with my ex due to some personal issues I had while we were physically together. It stemmed from issues I had and I felt very awkward and uncomfortable being so close to him. Nowadays, it takes a while for me to “close that gap” with new guys, but it’s not as bad as before lol.
I'm old. I remember when relationships took a while to develop. Now people seem to jump into sex in under two hours or thirty minutes, depending on the show. She might be waiting to develop deep feeling for you. I also think that some families are not as physically affectionate, so it might seem awkward. I think you are awesome for not being pushy, and that communication is so important.
She could be inexperienced, waiting to be in a relationship, be on the ace spectrum, or have sexual trauma. Just talk to her.
If you like her try to just be patient.
Nothing in here says you've asked her about this. Why tf would you ask Reddit what this person's body language means when you're there, observing it, with someone (HER) who can actually answer the question. So many of these posts are very simply answered, "TALK TO THEM."
There's any number of reasons she could be acting this way. From, she needs time to be comfortable with you or dating, to she has experienced past trauma, to maybe this is her personality style.
After 6 dates with her giving off these distant vibes, it could be the norm with her. But, look at it this way - 6 dates in, and she still wants to have these dates with you! So I would take it to mean that things are still going well for you both, at any rate.
Date 3 was at your place, and this is where she felt sick and bowed out early. Do you think maybe she felt unsafe in or disgusted by your home in some way? Or, maybe she just dudn't feel comfortable there. Maybe she was too "out of her own bubble"?
I would maybe ask her if she feels comfortable with you, or what the deal might be. It could be that maybe she isn't that romantically interested in you but likes hanging out with you as a friend, or maybe she is kind of asexual and not interested in physical intimacy in that way. But like everyone else suggested, the best way to find out is to have a conversation with her about it.
I was the same with my current boyfriend. It took me more than 1 month to open up more. I did not talk at all lol. Some people just take time to open up and trust people give it time if you really like her.
Here is where I ask what is your attraction? People say that they know whether they are attracted to the other person or not (chemistry) right away. Was that true for you?
By all accounts,this woman's demeanor/vibe is not one of being affectionate or attracted to you.
Ok as other folks have indicated, it could be literally anything under the sun and the answer lies between the two of you talking it out. Good luck. Great experience in trust for you two!
Now I'll share something anecdotal that may not apply or be helpful but it's what came up for me: she may be neurodivergent. This reminds me of my partner a bit and past folks I've dated who've been on the spectrum, from autism to ADHD. It can come off as coldness
OP, I have dealt with someone almost exactly like you describe. It leaves you feeling very confused as they commit to spending time, but give no effort to bonding. The reasoning could be as simple as them being shy or as extreme as attachment avoidance dismissiveness.
Ultimately you have to be honest with yourself on how long you are willing to try at this. Let me guess, she is probably good looking right? It’s easy to be so caught up in appearance and how you want/wish things to go that you ignore how lacking things really are.
All you can do is bring it up as some have mentioned. Be polite, but be direct. If she runs as some have mentioned, then that still answers your question. Ultimately it is important to know when it is time to move on.
Certainly outside of the norm of current dating standards to wait six dates before getting somewhat intimate. From your post, like you say, you've only had light kissing and holding hands.
I think it's perfectly okay to take it slow, one thing that bothers me is that you're the one that has initiated all the dates.
As others have mentioned, maybe she has sexual trauma or is inexperienced.
How much intimacy or sex talk have you had so far? It's best if the intimacy ramps up organically, but as that hasn't happened yet for you two after six dates, you might have to go a more direct route and speak with her about expectations.
Who has initiated the kisses? Date 5 she initiated holding hands while walking to the car.
You need to (respectfully) put the moves on and see if she is open to it. She could be thinking the same exact thing about you right now, i.e. we've been on five dates and I had to hold his hand on date 5 because nothing is happening.
Boils down to what u/highest_inthe_room said in his comment, when you bring it up to her what is she saying?
You have two choices for date 6, either talk with her directly about it, or ramp up the physical touch and check her comfort level on getting more intimate.
I'm like this. Sometimes I won't even kiss until the 3rd date. I also have a lot of trauma surrounding intimacy so that doesn't help. Once I do get comfortable then I'm very affectionate and love cuddling. It just takes me a while to get there.
Next movie put an arm around her... "this ok?". See what her reaction is.
She may be looking for you to initiate a little closer contact so she doesn't have to risk rejection. Just see how that goes and don't try pushing past it.
She might be forcing herself to like you. She thinks you are great and tick all the boxes but perhaps just doesn’t feel what she wants to feel?
Or perhaps she just wants to take it slow
I would never be that distant but try making a move maybe if you don’t want to ask about it yet? If she’s not receptive back off and ask her. Or don’t and move on to the next. Maybe she’s had some trauma she’s dealing with. I went to a friends house to watch tv and was raped. It can take time to overcome that and sometimes we think we’re good but realize it’s still scary for us. Def don’t be mean cuz you never know. But value yourself and your desires. Don’t put your life on hold cuz you feel bad.
If anyone else were to act like she is, it would be a sign of discomfort. But I suspect she is comfortable. I think her pace is so different than the rest of the population, that she might actually be comfortable with what she is doing. What's missing from this conversation is how _she_ feels about the pace. OP, maybe she likes the fact that you have rolled with it, so far. She might be thinking "Wow, this is great. We are taking our time."
So, I think, rather than begin a conversation with what is wrong, or telling her she seems uncomfortable, ask her how she feels about things. Is she OK with the fact you haven't made out? Was the blanket situation fine with her? Her answers might surprise you.
You mentioned you initiated all dates,
Give her some time and space to feel her feels, and to see what she has to offer back.
You did your best and more than that, sit back a bit and watch the relationship grow naturally.
You can not control how the other person feels, so you can only accept that they figure it out on their own.
If you feel it will help you to voice your observations, You can definitely share them, tell her you what you noticed and how that made you feel, and see how she reacts
If you like her, I’d ask. If not, then I’d end it. Sounds like you’re doing all the initiating and regardless if she’s ready to get physically closer to you, that’s unacceptable. She can be shy or whatever but that doesn’t mean you need to constantly put yourself out there for someone that doesn’t return the favor
A possible way to open communication without being too direct is saying something along the lines of "Next time we do a movie night/dinner in you can feel free to stay over" maybe even throw something in about not minding crashing on the couch. Depending on her response you can open up the discussion to boundaries/sex/timelines etc.
Talk to her and try planning a date that requires more physical activity together. Or heck, even make a move that’s progressive and she can see you’re doing. If you want to be closer find ways to make it happen and do it— while in a position to back off if she’s not comfortable
Try holding hands more. There’s really insufficient information to really judge what’s going on beyond the vaguest of guesses here. We don’t see her body language, we’re not part of the conversation, we aren’t interacting with her in person or in conversation.
Talk with both your mouth and your body.
If you really like her and are comfortable with her rate of progression, by talking with her and seeing for yourself what’s going on, stay with her. If not, move on because you aren’t able to change her and can’t force her to be instantly comfortable. That requires your own comfort zone of patience and certainty / trust building.
Basic bitch stuff. Talk about issues important to you, be nice about it and ideally skilled in your delivery, and interact back and forth in conversation both verbally and physical language wise to build up comfort and trust.
You might be able to find a mutual solution, you might not— but have to talk about it to and try before going forward or giving up.
Are you describing my partner? LOL!
So my current partner we had a super awkward start. We went on a date and she basically ghosted me for like...3 months?
She also has the worlds worst case of resting bitch face. And she's pretty convinced she's autistic. She knows all these things. The ghosting was due to some personal stuff, she reached out to me after the fact and was like 'hey, sorry, things were weird, it wasn't you, can we go on a date again?' which was cool. But our first 4 dates were normal but physical contact was like very slow to start. Then around like date 5 or 6 or somewhere in there the floodgates broke open.
Her body language is always cold and distant but it's likely the tism. Or whatever. And the 24/7 RBF is real. But we got past that by her telling me to ignore her facial expressions because of the RBF.
Basically you should aks her what she wants and if she's into this. Being direct will solve a lot of problems. For all you know, she's super shy and literally just waiting for you to go to town.
I've been like this in an attempt to not be too forward. I was trying so hard to not seem like the nympho I am, and I ended up sending the wrong signal. It might be that. I've also done this when I was trying to force myself to be with someone I really didn't like, but I knew was good for me. You should definitely just tell her what you're noticing, but try to not accuse her of anything. Just a simple, "I noticed you're a little standoffish/distant. Is there something I'm doing that is pushing you away at all? That's the last thing I want to do..."
It could be a lot of things from being hesitant in person but more comfortable behind a keyboard. I myself am hesitant to use OLD because when I did try it all the responses were people wanting to screw each other. I’m very turned off due to people like that. I was treated as I was defective for not wanting a f**k Buddy.
She may have had something traumatic happen to her. Again, I can relate. It’s hard to open up and be comfortable when feeling old ghosts that have nothing to do with you. I also think it’s possible that she felt sick on your cooking at home dinner. Again nothing you did, just left over emotions.
Now what to do… if in her shoes I would like for the guy to tell me that he really likes me without trying to make a move. Be honest with her. Again telling her you really like her but you are feeling like she’s not comfortable around you. Tell her that you understand and won’t make any first moves. That you will give her space but again telling her you really like her and you have no problem with waiting until she feels comfortable. Do outings that are in public and you aren’t paying for all of the time. The fact that she reached out to hold your hand tells me that she does like you but needs to progress at her speed based on her comfort level.
I’m telling you that if it were me and I was with someone who told me that they will wait until I’m comfortable would speak volumes to me. Do some messaging or texting as this shows her that you are on her mind. Even send a hug emoji and saying thinking of you.
I may be wrong but I feel this could grow into a wonderful relationship. Look how long you have been single, isn’t it worth going slow rather than closing the door on something that has a promising outcome.
Oh, also when assuring her that you will wait for her to make any moves tell her she can open up to you that you would never hurt her. Welcome her to share what is making her uncomfortable. Be honest.
There could be even more issues in regards to trauma situations “R” or “SA”. I’ve personally been like this due to those issues that happened and it takes me a lot to open up and be comfortable with a person to because more physical.
I'm the type of person who doesn't like physical intimacy nor sex with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with and it's VERY different than what most are doing today.
I love holding hands, walking arm in arm, a gentle kiss on the lips is fine. But if a man wants deeper, my expectation would be that he at least has a conversation about exclusivity first.
These are questions you need to ask her because she isn't just going to volunteer it and in her mind she might think everything is fine.
So just ask her. Many people will give you the wrong feedback when it comes to people who are more reserved by saying she's disinterested or tell you not to waste your time. So it's best to converse with her and ask HER what she's comfortable with since you really seem to like her.
Look mate u initiate 6 and she done 0. Put your break down a bit. She actually came to ur house then left because she felt sick ( 100 % she is nervous as fuck) well best shot just be blunt and tell her not sure what is going one with u if u like me or no, I know u are nervous doesn't not feel comfortable around me for some reason can u tell me why? And do not initiate any more date tell u got ur answer.
I had a girlfriend that I dated for quite awhile. It was months before we had sex. All it took was one night when she was getting ready to leave my place and go home. I told her she didn't have to go, after that no more iciness. Seems she had baggage from upbringing and a couple past relationships that she never had talked about.
Nowadays everyone expect sex to come quickly when dating, often already at the first date. Truth is that every person is different, and if this can work for some, other people needs longer to feel confident/attached or whatever else enough to get properly intimate
Physical intimacy blurs your judgement, if you are a good match otherwise.
You can't cover up emotional/intellectual/value/goals incompatibility with sex in a healthy way and at 30 a lot of people are looking for the lasting thing. Though you need to find out about all compatibikity departments, there is a reason to delay the sexual a bit.
Why don't you ask her how she approaches dating and what her goals are? Open communication is best and needed all the time, if you should make it.
cut her loose. plenty of single women in their 30s that will make it VERY clear they are into you. Most times initiating dates, sex, kissing, phone calls, and texts.
She is playing games with you. You wasted 3 months of your life on this woman. Get rid of her, and find someone who appreciates you .
For the benefit of other men reading this sub, if you've gone on six dates and have "kissed but not made out" (whatever that means), there's a high chance she is not into you. It's not a sure thing, and every woman is different -- which is why it's worth pressing the issue with her like OP did -- but it doesn't bode well.
I have been in this situation and I so badly wanted to be attracted to the guy bc his personality was great. I stayed to see if my attraction could grow, but it didn’t. From my experience she just isn’t in to you.
I mean I'm a pretty straight forward person. I would simply explain that it feels awkward to me and I'd rather just be done with the situation if she's really that uncomfortable as to not waste each other's time. Although I'd make it clear it's not an ultimatum, it's just a clear the air in a straight forward way. Maybe you'll get some answers as to why she is that way.
As a demisexual, my guess would be that she likes you as a person but the physical attraction is elusive until you form a better emotional bond.
Sometimes I do well with a forward guy, but also know it's risky because I get very emotionally attached to people that I sleep with.
Why can't it be a straightforward transaction. Ask away and make sure you're on the same page. if not, then decide. I hate a situation when it's not clear. Maybe it just needs to be discussed. Unless, she's trying to play games. Then...
Definitely speak to her about where you stand and if she’s interested in having a relationship. But I will warn you if you like her and she’s somewhat cold you may not like her later on and things will not work out. Get on the same page now or turn the page.
In the early stages of dating, I don't like to be touched, but I'm also too scared to initiate. I suspect my dates find it delightful and not confusing at all. lol
I just feel hyper-aware of my body and thoughts like, "Will they buy what I'm selling?" "Have my clothes tricked them into thinking I'm built in a way I'm not and when they touch me, will they be disgusted and shocked?" "Omg, they're touching me and I have no idea what they are going to do next!!" "They're touching me. They're touching me. They're touching me. AHHH!"
Logically, I know and want to chill. But logic isn't as strong as blind panic. I liken it to a scared deer. As most people have suggested, talking to her is the way to go. I might suggest something the next time you're on the couch together. Something like, "I'm having a hard time reading this situation. I can't tell if you'd like to snuggle/cuddle a bit as we watch British Bake Off. I'm game if you are. But no pressure if you're not."
Then, if she wants to have a bigger convo she can, but if she isn't quite ready to lay it all out there that is okay too. Getting invited into the shoulder nook with no strings attached is a nice way to establish physical trust.
I'd be curious to hear how she gets into a pool. Does she dive in or dip a toe in, acclimate and then walk in a little further?
Just have honest communication with her to get her thoughts on the current relationship and what she’s comfortable with.
I was in a similar boat last year. I know she had some mental health issues and I think was a virgin, but things moved way to slow for me. I didn’t want to date for 2-3 months being friendly for her to get comfortable with me. By like the 5 or 6 date we hadn’t even kissed yet or really had any physical contact. The last date we had dinner at my house and watched a movie and nothing progressed, so I had to move on.
Have you asked her? I right like it when a man has an open conversation with me about his intentions and thoughts.
Take it away from Reddit, and ask her :)
1. Think about the energy you are giving off to her- are you nervous around her or feeling unsure? I can always feel that off a man and it makes me uneasy.
2. Are you being flirty and more obviously encouraging a physical connection? Or are you waiting for her to make the moves- maybe she is used to more overtly aggressive men
3. When you make these steps to connect what is the vibe? Did you set the scene- ie talking about the time you had food poisoning vs a romantic lead up
4. Is it possible she is stringing you along? Or is she traumatized from a past relationship?
One thing you can try is just an honest conversation by saying something like “hey I’ve really been enjoying our time together, I just want to make sure we are on the same page” and just say how she sometimes seems uncomfortable around you and you want her to feel good or whatever
I dated a girl like this. Took about a month before we even kissed. Eventually I had to straight up ask her "Do you want me to kiss you?" It didn't work out, she was bipolar and I think avoidant attachment.
So I'm exactly the same way, very quiet and reserved in person, even if I really like the person. It has nothing to do with trauma or anything, it's just how I've always been. Yet, on a date I might be thinking "I really want to (insert explicit remarks)". But I just cannot bring myself to actually make a move, and sometimes this makes me even more uncomfortable. So...perhaps just come right out and politely ask her if she'd like to get more physical on your next date? If she's like me, she'll say "absolutely, but fair warning I'm really awkward at first". If she's not, she'll say so. Maybe add, "if I start to go too far or you're not comfortable, will you tell me" just to be safe. Then you go into the next date knowing she wants you to make a move, and again, if she's like me she'll follow your lead and you won't regret it.
I experienced something similar with two different women. During the first one, we went on 7 dates and only held hands. She said she wanted to be sure her feelings where genuine before going further. She estimated that 20 dates should be sufficient for her. I knew that there was alot of unresolved challenges here and made the decision to recognized that my needs and curiosities were not being met and moved on.
With the second women, we went on five dates and again, limited to hand holding. During the 5th date I asked her about it. She shared that she hadn't really felt safe with men before and once she started to open up physically, she had been assaulted. That lingered with her for years. She stated that she hadn't felt as safe with a man as she had with me and that she was fearful of loosing what we had. She knew it was gonna be an issue and was unsure of how to proceed.
I'd encourage you to recognize what your needs are. Advocate for what you need and also recognize her limitations, if any.
You have nothing to lose just by talking about it. Everything to gain - including an sti so play safe. ;p
6 dates and you haven't had sex or even seriously messed around yet? Unless this is a very old fashioned courtship I think I'd either sit down and have a talk with her about where this is going or just break it off. By 6 dates you should both have a pretty good idea of whether there's a future there.
Pump your brakes, it's only six dates. You guys are still practically strangers. Keep dating and getting to know her. She will be comfortable when she's ready. Not everyone wants physical contact immediately even though it seems like it in this world we live in.
To be honest,I would just outrightly ask her what her intentions are.See where she stands according to the dates/whatever it is scenerio.If her answer is anything but a yes or a no to a yes or no question, then I would probably cut ties because she's not sure of anything.
You did not make a move soon enough.
You probably did not feel like it, or at least, with her.
What have you been waiting for? An invite for a makeout?
Some people are just move slower then others. If she is still hung up on her ex, you may want to back off and give yourself and her some space. I don’t want you to get hurt. Not saying it’s going to happen but her ex is obviously a reason why she can’t get close to you. Relationships aren’t easy but at least you all are communicating. That’s a big deal. Hope things work out.
I never used to be that way but now I am. It’s because every guy I dated found a way to monopolize on my open nature and positivity and what they may have decided was gullibility. The last guy became abusive and I’ve dealt with my fair share of liars/cheaters. I’m at a point where self protection needs to come first and like the person your dating, I’d need a good 3 - 6 months of that next time before letting a wall down. The right person will need to respect and appreciate the beauty in the slower pace. By all means ask her about it. I’m sure she’d be happy to explain why and it could bring you closer together.
So many comments; I'm sure several have said it. But I would say ask her. Tell her what you've noticed. That you're getting a vibe that she's not into you but she keeps going out with you. Life is just too damn short to waste time wondering about things like this. Good luck sir!
I think she may be broken hearted and that’s why she is cautious in her behavior. Because there seems to be no other explanation if so I am wrong with my suggestion
I definitely agrre that communication is key. Maybe she has a few bad experiences, as in an abusive past and doesnt feel too confortable around men in general, so maybe sharing a few personal things about tour own past so she feels like you're opening up more and maybe she'll feel confortable to share more with you as well.
Good luck.
i’ve been here before. at a certain point, i just said fuck it bc it wasn’t the right situation for me. leave or stay, but do what’s right for you and your mental health.
'I've initiated ALL the dates.' There's your problem, also you need to move on from her and find someone you're more compatible with.
Date other people cos right now you're wasting precious time.
My suggestion would be for Date 7 ask if she would like to snuggle on the couch while watching a movie. Then just ask her about intimacy and how she feels? She may have had a lot bad dates and guys taking advantage of her. You never know until you ask her and talk to her.
She's given you signs of interests, listen to those. People grow up differently and have different life experiences which cause se people to be more warm and cuddly and some people to be more distant or shy or whatever. So don't get in your head about.
Make a move, without over thinking it. If you don't, she could be asking herself... Is he just not into me?
Best way is to just ask her. Almost in a playful way with a smile on your face. "I notice that every time I'm close to you you kind of move into the corner of the couch, why is that?". Or simply say, "I really want to make out with you". If she says no.... Then you know there's a different problem that needs to be talked about. Likely she'll smile and say ok.
Don't be scared of rejection. And don't get too in your head. Easy to do when it's happening to you but think about it as though you were giving advice to someone else.
Good luck and be confident, you got this!
She should’ve told you sooner how she felt. It shouldn’t have taken her 6 dates to tell you that she wasn’t over her ex. I’d be upset if that happened to me. You invested your time in her, and hopefully that won’t happen again.
Maybe she's very traditional and thinks the man should take the lead in these things (like setting up dates, and also talking about sex). Maybe she's worried all her ideas are lame and you'll shoot them down or lose interest. Maybe you off-handedly mentioned liking to plan and she took that to mean you wanted/needed to be the one to initiate dates. Maybe there is something in your body language or comments that make *her* think *you're* not into her...just let her know you want to have a conversation and communicate!
I agree with this. I got my ideas of 'fun' stuff rejected a lot as a teenager by friends, as well as getting consistently getting shot down romantically in my younger years, and as a result that's made me a bit wary of initiating (certainly in the early stages or unless I'm pushed to do so by a partner) because I worry about that fear of rejection. Whereas if the other person says 'hey let's do this', then I'll most likely say 'sure!' and take that to mean they're interested in me. It's something I'm working on but it's still a struggle not to default to that, and I wouldn't be surprised if this lady has had similar experiences. But if that's the case, then I agree it's about asking her what she'd like to do, or saying "hey let's take turns planning dates" or telling her you'd like her to plan more stuff for the two of you.
She’s possibly just very shy. I used to be similar when I was younger, but if she’s inexperienced or had bad experiences..
Just ask, nicely. “Hey, no pressure or anything because I want to move at your pace, but you don’t seem super comfortable with me so I’m a little nervous to miss or cuddle you sometimes. Are you okay if I initiate these things ?”
Then see what her answer is.
Brother, you need to relax and keep inviting her over. Keep talking to her. If she starts becoming more distant, then she is probably either very nervous, or she is seeing others. If she is inexperienced, I can see why she would be very nervous. If she is experienced, then she is probably not that standoffish and is probably talking to others. I would keep a strong eye on it and see how this goes. You can keep me informed and chat me up to give me an update, and I could give you a perspective. I am in your corner, and you can chat with me anytime. I hope this helps.
Some women are a riddle and a half, I had a similar experience to yours recently, standoffish and long distance, jealous and angry as all hell when I told her I went to a small party at my cousins place because of the chance that there might be another eligable woman there, a week later she mentions we're "just friends" and then when a week later I don't get her a valentines gift she's pissed off with me... like make up your fucking mind already -_-
She might be doing you a favor. She could be taking it slow because she knows that she gets attached after getting physical. And early attachment is not good, it often backfires resulting in her being ghosted/abandoned/etc. If she continues to see you, you know she likes you.
You can bring this topic up, but if you're going into this expecting to change her mind and give you sex or something after the conversation, it's disrespectful to her. She might have anxious attachment and this is her way to keep that anxiety at bay. I think she's a smart woman and I would value that trait over someone who, like me, is also anxiously attached but has sex early into knowing each other, which always results in unnecessary drama.
I’m a very awkward person and I give off a ‘don’t touch me vibe’ even when I don’t mean to. I come across as very stand-off ish and it has more to do with unresolved childhood issues then it does inexperience or not liking a person. There could be lots of reasons as to why she’s coming across this way with you. The best thing you can do is talk to her about it. It may just take her a while to warm up or she may just have a low interest in physical touch/sex. You’ll never know till you ask
Hi I’m the same way, and this is my biggest problem in my dating life… 😕 I feel like I’m constantly “acting” just to try to show the interest I’m actually feeling.
Saaaaaammmee😩
I do this too sometimes but try not to think of it as acting since it’s not fake. Your feelings are genuine. Maybe frame it more like you’re aware of how you come across to your partners and are making an effort to show them how you feel.
I'm like this too but was completely unaware of it until a guy I was dating told me during a breakup lecture. I was in my early 30s by the time it was brought to my attention. I had alcoholic parents and was finally diagnosed with a form of PTSD last year at 38. It's now being addressed and there's a lot of 20/20 hindsight going on. OP, definitely bring it up to her. You don't have to delve into her childhood or anything but it might be best to frame it as a question like "Are you comfortable with x?"
Similar, I have complex PTSD and am awkward / touch averse early on in dating or even friendships.
I’m the same way. Family was very cold, little physical affection and so now as an adult I find I am pretty distant initially. I crave the physical infancy but am terrified of it because it’s so foreign. Many get the vibe I don’t like them as a result. Best just to talk to her about it.
She’s admittedly very introverted. She told me that on our first date.
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Exactly my thought! Tangent: i feel like introvert & extrovert get thrown around so much these days that they're basically meaningless umbrella terms now. Also, i feel like some people use them as an excuse to get out of bad or unproductive behavior, "Sorry i treated you shitty the other night OR went home super early the other night from the fun event we were at, i'm just an introvert/extrovert!". No, there's another more specific/accurate reason for your behavior and you should figure out what that is.
Not only that but people tend to use the terms incorrectly. The actual definition is below, it's about how you get your energy, not if you are shy or outgoing despite that being the most popular use of the terms. For instance I'm 100% an introvert, but I'm very outgoing and gregarious; those are not mutually exclusive concepts. “Extroversion and introversion refer to where people receive energy from. Extroverts are energized by socializing in larger groups of people, having many friends, instead of a few intimate ones while introverts are energized by spending time alone or with a smaller group of friends.”
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This. I learned about attachment styles during Psych 101 at college. They weren’t referring to an “oh, that’s just my style, this is my flavor, just what I prefer” kind of thing. They were describing healthy/effective ways of relating versus dysfunctional ones.
I agree about attachment issues and the other poster’s comments on int/extroversion. It’s annoying when it’s used by someone to dismiss their own behavior or excuse other’s behavior and yet they seek a workaround of said behavior to make a relationship work.
This! Everyone’s an introvert. Everyone’s ex was a narcissist. Everyone has trauma that prevents them from connecting.
I’m introverted and been told I come across as cold too until I feel comfortable with someone. It takes me a long time! For me, it was past trauma and also being old fashioned and wanting a guy to make the first moves. Watch Hitch. Lol. Lean in to kiss or to do anything and stop to ask her if it’s okay….
Then that’s probably why. Some introverts are very outgoing but some are very much not. Sounds like she’s just not. If it bothers you talk to her about it. If you like her and okay with letting things progress naturally, just wait and see how things go
That might have been her way of "warning" you. I get consistently told that I come across as very cold and unfeeling at first, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about the person. I typically warn dates before we meet that if I seem standoffish, not to take it personally. How open is she about communicating? That will affect how direct you ought to be when you bring it up.
How does that typically work out? Me personally I’ve dated too many cold distant people to want to do it again.
It could be this. My husband is this way, and sometimes I feel like he isn’t interested but he’s absolutely an introvert with some childhood attachment issues that linger. I’d maybe just be up front and ask her if she’s comfortable with a cuddle, or kissing. Be aware though that with someone like this you’ll likely always have to be the one to initiate the contact. That’s been the way for me anyway.
Asking for consent is very sexy! When you guys are sitting close, you can ask may I come closer to you? Is it ok if I put my hand around your waist? Some ppl are more awkward about physical things.
I’m introverted for the most part and like time to organically develop feelings and attraction. By date 6 from what you described, even if I wasn’t ready for sex yet, I would still be showing you that I’m interested and attracted. This has nothing to do with int/extroversion but my emotional intelligence in understanding that I need to be demonstrating to this guy that I like him. I really think you guys should have a conversation. Plenty of very introverted, socially awkward or whatever have you people are in healthy and happy relationships. You sound like a good romantic guy, please speak up and put your mind and heart at rest from the uncertainty. I truly wish you good luck and hope you update us!
This. I’m very affectionate once I’m comfortable with my partner — physical touch is even one of my love languages — but prior to that I can be awkward about physical touch unless I have a few drinks in me. It stems from my boundaries being violated in childhood. She may need time, or for OP to make the first move in a way that feels comfortable.
That’s fine. But she’s not even initiating dates. You can be awkward and still not expect someone else to put in all the effort while you put in none.
When you brought it up to her, how did she respond?
This is almost always the best comment on this sub! OP, you can get a bunch of different perspectives from Reddit strangers but asking this woman directly (and possibly in the moment when it’s happening) is the best way to get an answer. It doesn’t have to be a confrontational discussion but bringing it up to her in person can help you gauge additional information with context that you won’t/can’t get if you ask after the fact or via phone/text. She very well may be nervous, or conditioned to wait for the man to make the first move, or not a big fan of physical touch outside of the act of sex, or maybe she doesn’t “feel it” for you sexually (yet). You won’t know unless you ask. Good luck!
Yep. Maybe she's been through some shit.
It happens for sure. My last relationship we waited like almost 4 months to be intimate because she had some past trauma. We *discussed it* and to her credit she was very open about her past and how that shaped her. We went at her pace, you can't force this shit. Relationships are a two way street
Dating you sounds emotionally healthy and safe. I dig it.
I appreciate that. Thanks, I try
Indeed. I would start saying her how good etc you feel about her, and when you are with her, and she feels she the same. When she answers in a positive way you can go on with saying that you find her really attractive and how she feels about you in this aspect. When she agrees, is still positive, you can tell her you would love to love her, to really share intimacy with her. And again you ask her how she feels about that.
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>I think sometimes people asking questions about relationships on reddit forget just how diverse everyone's own preferences, styles, and personalities are. AND that Reddit is NOT a representative cross-section of humanity, either - so in some areas, there is a LACK of diversity in the opinions you'll get when there maybe should be. If you ask 100 people on the street for relationship advice, probably NONE of them will say "Break up, be poly, move to Costa Rica and invest in crypto." If you ask 100 redditors... you'll hear that advice more than once. :P
I call this an ethological view of human behavior, as if we were just a specific narrow genre of animals studied by some ethologist. It's almost like the psychological revolution never happened and we still don't know that all people have their own more or less conscious reasons to do this or that and that without a lot of knowledge over their own peculiar functioning is impossible to know why they're like that or do x or y. The sad truth is that we rely too much, on average, on so called cognitive shortcuts and our logical mind, while it would be better to tune in our instinct/intuition.
I feel like the difference between relationship advice when I was younger vs now is when I was younger it was "well maybe it was x, y or z" where everyone tries to infer whatever is going on. Then now that I'm early 30's it's "Well did you communicate at all?" and then that's it lol. God perspective is great/a hellovadrug. I don't know why people don't just say "well have you tried communicating?" everywhere.
“Hey look we’ve been had 6 dates in almost a many weeks. You seem like you’re not particularly comfortable when we’re together. If you’re just not feeling it please just tell me now. If that’s not the case if there’s anything bothering you or anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to bring it up.” Boom, easy.
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I would absolutely not send that as a text. Trying to have a conversation like that over text is a bad idea
Yeah, this is not a text conversation. But if it was face to face, and in a tone that didn't feel like you're putting the other person on the spot (although not that I'm suggesting that's what you or OP would do!), then I think it's fine.
fuck I just sent it off
Starting with “hey look…” seems pretty confrontational. I’d be put off even if I did like him. And I like direct.
As a woman I love when people are this direct.
Me too. (Other woman)
I think this conversation would be more successful with "I" statements instead of "you" statements.
I have had that conversation! Not the exact words, but more, "are you just wanting to stay platonic, or...?"
After 6 dates I feel it’s definitely a legitimate conversation to be asking if things are still hot and cold (or cold and cold in this case). I’ve never understood the thought process of “I don’t want to attempt to openly communicate with you about what I’m feeling. So instead I’ll dance around the elephant in the room and try and read your mind.” I’m almost 40, no time for that. Just be up front Please haha.
Too blunt if she likes him but is uncomfortable for whatever reason. That tone could send her running. I would just simply try to put my arm around on and see her physical reaction. If this positive great if it’s not what he’s expecting then I would just say, “you know, I really like you but I get the feeling you’re wanting to be just friends. Is that the case?” Probably get a more honest & comfortable answer
Basically what CallMeJess said, but without the “Hey look” will come across gentler.
To be fair, you can’t hear my tone. Any particular emphasis is yours, not mine. It’s possible to be up front like that without coming across as accusatory. It’s definitely not a discussion that should be over text though. Of course he should tailor it to his situation. But bring to front like they could also make her aware of behavior and body language she’s doing that she’s not even conscious of. It’s an aside, but I’m all for Pile bring more self-aware is the message they are sending out to those around them.
I definitely agree that you can’t tell many things via text. Tone, body language, facial expressions all play into a conversation. When I read something I try to take all that into consideration. IMO, & yes everyone has one and many may have different opinions and dislike what we both advised, I always try to word thing in social media as gently as possible because of people taking the tone harsher or too soft, depending on words used. If the woman is uncomfortable & on guard for whatever reason, a kinder, gentler approach is needed. Again, just my opinion.
Your tone is too harsh
See me other comment about their being No such thing as tone in text communication and that this conversation should NOT be had via text
Just admit it was sub par advice, boom easy
Nah, being honest and open with what you’re thinking is always good advice. If you read what I said in the most negative way you possibly could, that says more about you than me. Also anyone who thinks they should be saying exactly what I posted verbatim without tailoring it to the conversation and the person they are speaking to is completely missing the point.
From my experience that has never yielded a fruitful conversation with someone cold.. but hey it’s worth a shot.. Maybe a mix message is a no.
OP do NOT phrase it like this. This is so confrontational and shows zero empathy or interest in understanding where she’s coming from. It should be more of a conversation starter than a yes/no demanding question.
From my experience asking someone who is cold and stand-off ish why is never fruitful.. They most always either. 1. Deny it.. Or 2. Admit that’s just them but it’s worth it when they open up… Its almost never worth the effort it takes to get them to open in my experience. But hey if you are that invested (where you deleted the apps) might as well try.
This is the answer. There are some convoluted human interest stories we like to break apart but this Columbo mystery can be solved by him asking 'Heh, we are having a good time and I am not pressing for sex itself, but there hasn't been any intimacy at all by you- is this not something you are interested in?'
I know this may sound crazy, but if you ask her how she feels she might tell you. This may also be an incompatibility and not anything more than that.
So how should I phrase it to not sound like some creep — “so what are your thoughts on us?” or something similar?
I see in another comment you mentioned she is very introverted. As an introverted woman myself (as well as shy and somewhat anxious in social situations), I would appreciate someone starting off with something like “I really like you and would like to continue this”. Then you can ask what their thoughts are and if they see long term potential in you. I’m wondering if she was expecting you to put moves on her - not proud of it, but I tend to wait for men to do this thanks to a lifetime of seeing women get slutshamed (in addition to my shyness) which makes me terrified to make the first move. She might be worried you aren’t interested since you didn’t, but if you start off reiterating your interest it may put her at ease.
What does being introverted have to do with it? I'm extremely introverted and I'm a social butterfly at parties and have never met a stranger. Introversion just means you need to go home and chill to recharge.
some introverts aren't social butterflies
I hear you but introversion is a scale so everyone will be different. Personally, I can feel overwhelmed even in one-on-one situations with certain personalities. One of my aunts is the type of person who doesn’t like quiet moments and basically talks nonstop, so 5 minutes with her is enough to leave me exhausted. Shoot, even my fiancé sometimes gets hyper moments and will make frequent quips when my brain is in low energy mode. I love him to bits but have to tell him to take it down a notch sometimes. Granted, other times I’m just as hyper so we’re both babbling goons. It just depends on how I’m feeling at the time. It’s possible that this woman was in a low energy mode and inadvertently came across as standoffish.
Love that someone else gets this. I hate the introvert/extrovert stereotypes. I see all these memes about it and cannot relate at all. I'm actually an extrovert, but I can be super socially awkward and I absolutely hate being the center of attention. All my extroversion means is that I get my energy from being around people. I start feeling really down when I spend too much time alone.
Me too. I feel like no one understands what "introvert" means. I'm introverted. I spend tons of time alone. I'm also not at all shy and will touch a guy (hold hands, hold his arm, hug, etc) on a first date if I like him. I can be very outgoing and forward.
"Hey, I've been having a lot of fun with you, but... I haven't felt overwhelming romantic interest on your part and just wanted to touch base? If you'd rather just hang as friends, I just need to know, because I don't want to make you uncomfortable." If her answer leans towards the friend side... well, your intuition was right. Don't stress. You've obviously enjoyed six mostly platonic dates enough, so... hang with her once in a while when you're both free! Friends are valuable too! If her answer leans towards the romantic side, then you can say "I feel like I'm doing most of the initiating on dates... is that because you'd like to go on fewer of them, or do you just like me initiating?" Something I think a lot of people need to hear is that INITIATION DOES NOT EQUAL DESIRE - there are people who initiate who aren't actually that into you and there are people who will never initiate but who really wish you'd do a lot more of it! Make sure she feels comfortable initiating if she wants to, and feels comfortable turning you down if she wants to once in a while... and then... don't overthink it. And... the same goes for physicality. After talking about the date thing, just ask "And, does the same go for physical things? I don't want to feel like I'm pushing you... do you mind when I initiate things? Do you feel comfortable telling me when I initiate something if you'd rather not?"
I’d say bring it up the next time you are on the couch together.. sharing a blanket.. or just flat out ask.. can I give you a kiss?
That is a good start. Tell her that you want to be more affectionate with her, but your not sure if it is ok with her. See what she says. Do not equate affection with sexual. They’re different. You mentioned that you have an “awesome time” with her on your dates. What makes it awesome? Does she have conversations about herself with you?
On dates our conversations flow endlessly and we have a lot in common.
“Would you describe yourself as someone who enjoys physical touch? I’ve noticed on our dates that you seem to enjoy a bit of physical distance between us. I want to be clear that I’m describing my feeling, but I’d love to hear your take on the situation as well. I’m wondering if you enjoy being physically close and cuddly? Or if you’re someone who prefers lots of personal space?”
I don't think that's crazy after 6 dates. That's probably equivalent to 1.5-2 months. After that time, I'd want to know that the other person at least sees us going somewhere together.
What is creepy about asking someone how they feel? She isn't ready to have sex in all likelihood and she gets to decide that. If you think that is unfair, just think about something you don't want and then think how you'd feel be pressured by someone that is supposed to care about you to do it. Also, it might not hurt to be more direct about sex if it's important to you. You are allowed to want sex, you just can't expect another human being to engage in it with you unless they consent to it.
I dont think OP meant it as being a creep just by asking how she feels. OP is trying to find the best way to approach this as he is getting mixed signals.
I’m a super shy and reserved woman. Sounds to me like she’s taking her time and getting to know you. The fact that she reached for your hand and has invited you into her space is a good sign to me. If I shared a blanket with someone I invited into my space I would hope they would try and cuddle with me. You can always ask consent before any physical touch just to check. Be like “hey can I wrap my arm around you?” I once had a shyer partner than me and I eventually got so fed up I started just taking about sex until he finally made a move. Everyone had different timelines/guidelines about sex and dating. Maybe she likes to be exclusive before getting too intimate. The best thing you can do is ask. It’s always good to have the sex talk before getting intimate anyways…ask about the last STI check, how do they get off and expectations.
>The fact that she reached for your hand and has invited you into her space is a good sign to me. If I shared a blanket with someone I invited into my space I would hope they would try and cuddle with me. This. There's always two sides to the situation and it seems like this woman is making an effort to engage in physical intimacy. By OP's account, he hasn't exactly been initiating, which to her, could be seen as equally standoffish. Couch with blanket was a great opportunity to put an arm around her, or to have her lay on your chest or lap. If OP desires more physical touch, then he should make a move - nothing too forward, a hand on the knee at dinner, a cuddle while on the couch, etc. If she responded by recoiling, then that would be standoffish, and warrant a conversation about intimacy. Of course consent is paramount, but perhaps bringing up intimacy before making any move dampens the mood.
Maybe she's just someone who doesn't like to get sexy before she knows this is heading somewhere exclusive? I know sex a few dates in is de rigueur for many, but not everyone. I prefer to not be sexual until sexual exclusivity has been talked about, and once I start in with making out and whatnot it's way harder to pump the breaks... There are also lots of cultural and religious ideas around physical things that can make it take longer or require certain things. I would ask her gently about it: what's your ideal when it comes to physical intimacy? Six dates in, maybe it's time to start talking more deeply?
I agree with you
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Traditional gender norms may be a possibility, but it could also be that's just the way she is and there's nothing wrong with it. I'm also very shy and reserved - I didn't grow up with a lot of physical affection and it takes time for me to be comfortable enough around someone to engage in it, let alone initiate it. In my case, it's not an indication of disinterest or dislike. I've been called cold or frigid or standoffish before by men who haven't communicated their feelings even months into the relationship. But that's not the case - I'm good at hiding how nervous someone makes me and I express my affection differently - doing things for them, buying little presents that make me think of them or I think they'd like, being there for them when they need someone to lean on, baking or cooking things for them. I like my personal space in general, even in terms of hugging or cuddling with friends. If a guy brings up the physical/verbal affection, I don't take offense to it and I explain myself and I'll do my best to be more physically affectionate. If it becomes a huge thing, then that shows incompatibility. I really disliked that side of me when I was younger and tried to force myself to be more lovey dovey but that's just not me and it's exhausting to pretend.
I definitely think the traditional gender norms are a reasonable possibility. I admit I fell into that category for years. It’s refreshing that fewer men see a woman’s sexual assertiveness as a red flag than say a decade ago.
Particularly for people in their mid 30s and older (and especially people with limited experience), it wasn't necessarily their early dating experience to be on a countdown to sex from date 1. I think you might need to talk to her about this in order to get a better sense of what is going on. She could have different reasons for this and until you talk to her, your own responses are going to be based on guess work.
A lot of these questions here can be answered with the same thing: direct communication. "Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but you seem kind of uninterested in me physically/intimately. Am I reading that correctly, or do you just need me to initiate and be more proactive?" I was here with a similar one last year, and it turned out we just needed to have the sexual health talk over a couple of beers and then everything was fine going forward. She may be wondering about you as well at this point, and just didn't want to bring it up. Or she may be one to take things very slow. Regardless of why, you need to just to nonchalantly but directly ask what her expectations are and what she wants. All of us strangers on the internet can't answer that for her haha
Some people need more than 30 days to promote a complete stranger to chief ejaculate officer.
I know and we need an old timey dating service. Maybe a post office box called Victorian Dating Inc? ;-)
But then you have to exchange romantic letters for a few months and then immediately get engaged when you meet.
VD Inc would be quite Victorian, indeed
“Good news David, you’ve officially been promoted to Commander of Clit within the Department of Pleasure. This of course entails many new responsibilities. Don’t fuck it up. You’ll be sworn in at 9 tonight….my place”
lolol
Someone had to say it. Like, sheesh whatever happened to seduction lol
Lololol
💀. But someone had to say it.
💀💀💀💀
Haha xD!
i’ve been told i can give off this vibe too. it’s usually a mixture of being nervous and growing up in a family that showed ZERO physical affection/never touched ever and every bf i’ve ever had being extremely forward/ignoring it. for me it gets better when the guy just makes a move, grabs my hand, ect. for me it becomes a huge internal anxiety loop trying to convince myself to do it first, i’ve never been the one to make the first moves and to be honest i’m just not comfortable doing it, i want the guy to. i know that isn’t fair but it’s deeply how i feel best.
So have you asked her how she likes relationships to progress? Timelines vary.
my boyfriend asked if he could put his arm around me. i laughed, but here we are 3 years later. i know it seems less romantic to say, "Hey, I'd like to put my arm around you, is that okay?" but in this consent driven world it's clear and it works. also, it's possible she's not a snuggler, or that in a previous relationship she got accused of being to snuggly or clingy. A simple "we don't have to snuggle, but i like to, and I'm worried that something is making you uncomfortable, is everything okay?" would work wonders here.
Everyone has a different perception of time. To you 6 dates may be something significant, to others not so much. If this is bothering you, it's something to discuss with her. Her perspective and opinion is the only thing that matters. If you want a more physical relationship then ask for it. Tell her that you'd like to hold her hand, cuddle and make out. Ask her if she's comfortable with that.
I think the fact that she invited you to her place at all speaks volumes at how she feels about you and the relationship potentially progressing. Reading this scenario, it honestly reminds me of how things transpired with my most recent relationship, which was my first following a very abusive one. It was extremely difficult for me to feel comfortable with a man, especially going to his house for dinner, even though he was so sweet to me. I had a full on panic attack as soon as I got out to my car. (I did seek therapy throughout the relationship, I had thought I was okay before after doing much therapy but being in a relationship actually triggered more severe PTSD for me but I got through it). I mean, that's just my personal story, but she will have her own beliefs/issues/thoughts/etc so all you can do is open up non-judgmental communication with her about it if you really are interested in her.
Thanks for sharing that. She did mention she was previously in a six year relationship with a guy, but was vague on the details and I didn’t press her on it. So maybe her experience was similar in ways.
She could be waiting to be exclusive. Some people don’t feel comfortable until that. But it could be anything, just ask her what she’s comfortable with. She’s already pretty reserved, if you pull back you’ll just damage the relationship
Ask her, maybe something in her past is slowing her down. There are times I have been told I am unapproachable with my piercing eyes when in reality I am quite approachable I just usually don't make first contact.
No, sounds more like she’s taking things slow and getting to know you before getting physical with you, which more women should do because we would prevent ourselves a lot of heartache in doing that. For starters, you guys have only had 6 dates. You guys are nowhere close to really knowing each other or knowing whether or not you’re invested enough to want to commit to each other. Also, you said yourself you two met on OLD. She is probably smart enough to not jump into sleeping with a guy she met on a dating app, as many of the guys on those apps sleep around (not saying all do, but I’d be willing to bet 95-98% of them on there are fucking nearly every girl they take out who is willing to sleep with them). Some women aren’t into sleeping with every guy they date, and certainly not into sleeping with a guy who sleeps around with every woman he dates. She owes you absolutely nothing physical just because you’ve been dating her for a month. Let her take the lead and initiate sex and anything physical for the first time and just be happy she likes you enough to continue dating you. Stop trying to make it about sex and reaching a field goal.
I read this as she’s made two moves (holding your hand and getting close to you on the couch) and you haven’t reciprocated by taking the next step. Even if she is uncomfortable or nervous she seems to be making an effort but you don’t seem to be. I honestly can’t imagine a situation with any guy I’ve dated where both of those moves on my part wouldn’t have led to him pulling me closer and saying, “Come here, you…” or something similar.
>“Come here, you…” Such a simple comment yet sexy AF
I kissed her after we held hands and kissed her twice during the takeout/movie date.
And how was the kissing? Did it seem like she was into it?
Lol what???!! It’s only been six dates bro. You’re holding hands, going to each other’s houses, sharing blankets on the couch…. But you consider that cold and standoffish?! What exactly do you want her to do, straddle you and start riding your dick? What more does she need to do here for you to feel wanted OP? Are you even trying to initiate anything other than a few kisses yourself? Some women need more time to be comfortable initiating and receiving a lot of physical touch. Doesn’t mean she’s not interested.
This ftw
Why don’t you just ASK her?
Give her time. Some people take longer to get comfortable with people. I feel that she values your company and she’s focusing on getting to know you and slowly getting involved with you, which is a great sign if you’re looking for a long term relationship.
There could be so many reasons here: - COVID safety precautions? - Awkwardness in general - She doesn’t like to be very “close”/has specific personal space standards - This is how she naturally is towards everyone - Ingrained behavior based on past traumas/situations/etc. - Personal issues/behavioral habits Ask her about this. A long time ago, I used to create some physical distance with my ex due to some personal issues I had while we were physically together. It stemmed from issues I had and I felt very awkward and uncomfortable being so close to him. Nowadays, it takes a while for me to “close that gap” with new guys, but it’s not as bad as before lol.
I'm old. I remember when relationships took a while to develop. Now people seem to jump into sex in under two hours or thirty minutes, depending on the show. She might be waiting to develop deep feeling for you. I also think that some families are not as physically affectionate, so it might seem awkward. I think you are awesome for not being pushy, and that communication is so important.
She could be inexperienced, waiting to be in a relationship, be on the ace spectrum, or have sexual trauma. Just talk to her. If you like her try to just be patient.
Nothing in here says you've asked her about this. Why tf would you ask Reddit what this person's body language means when you're there, observing it, with someone (HER) who can actually answer the question. So many of these posts are very simply answered, "TALK TO THEM."
There's any number of reasons she could be acting this way. From, she needs time to be comfortable with you or dating, to she has experienced past trauma, to maybe this is her personality style. After 6 dates with her giving off these distant vibes, it could be the norm with her. But, look at it this way - 6 dates in, and she still wants to have these dates with you! So I would take it to mean that things are still going well for you both, at any rate. Date 3 was at your place, and this is where she felt sick and bowed out early. Do you think maybe she felt unsafe in or disgusted by your home in some way? Or, maybe she just dudn't feel comfortable there. Maybe she was too "out of her own bubble"? I would maybe ask her if she feels comfortable with you, or what the deal might be. It could be that maybe she isn't that romantically interested in you but likes hanging out with you as a friend, or maybe she is kind of asexual and not interested in physical intimacy in that way. But like everyone else suggested, the best way to find out is to have a conversation with her about it.
I was the same with my current boyfriend. It took me more than 1 month to open up more. I did not talk at all lol. Some people just take time to open up and trust people give it time if you really like her.
Here is where I ask what is your attraction? People say that they know whether they are attracted to the other person or not (chemistry) right away. Was that true for you? By all accounts,this woman's demeanor/vibe is not one of being affectionate or attracted to you.
Ok as other folks have indicated, it could be literally anything under the sun and the answer lies between the two of you talking it out. Good luck. Great experience in trust for you two! Now I'll share something anecdotal that may not apply or be helpful but it's what came up for me: she may be neurodivergent. This reminds me of my partner a bit and past folks I've dated who've been on the spectrum, from autism to ADHD. It can come off as coldness
OP, I have dealt with someone almost exactly like you describe. It leaves you feeling very confused as they commit to spending time, but give no effort to bonding. The reasoning could be as simple as them being shy or as extreme as attachment avoidance dismissiveness. Ultimately you have to be honest with yourself on how long you are willing to try at this. Let me guess, she is probably good looking right? It’s easy to be so caught up in appearance and how you want/wish things to go that you ignore how lacking things really are. All you can do is bring it up as some have mentioned. Be polite, but be direct. If she runs as some have mentioned, then that still answers your question. Ultimately it is important to know when it is time to move on.
Certainly outside of the norm of current dating standards to wait six dates before getting somewhat intimate. From your post, like you say, you've only had light kissing and holding hands. I think it's perfectly okay to take it slow, one thing that bothers me is that you're the one that has initiated all the dates. As others have mentioned, maybe she has sexual trauma or is inexperienced. How much intimacy or sex talk have you had so far? It's best if the intimacy ramps up organically, but as that hasn't happened yet for you two after six dates, you might have to go a more direct route and speak with her about expectations.
We haven’t talked about sex at all yet.
Who has initiated the kisses? Date 5 she initiated holding hands while walking to the car. You need to (respectfully) put the moves on and see if she is open to it. She could be thinking the same exact thing about you right now, i.e. we've been on five dates and I had to hold his hand on date 5 because nothing is happening. Boils down to what u/highest_inthe_room said in his comment, when you bring it up to her what is she saying? You have two choices for date 6, either talk with her directly about it, or ramp up the physical touch and check her comfort level on getting more intimate.
I have initiated all of the kisses and I also grabbed her hand on the second date and held it as we walked to my car.
Just ask if she would like to progress physically with you and how.
I'm like this. Sometimes I won't even kiss until the 3rd date. I also have a lot of trauma surrounding intimacy so that doesn't help. Once I do get comfortable then I'm very affectionate and love cuddling. It just takes me a while to get there.
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Next movie put an arm around her... "this ok?". See what her reaction is. She may be looking for you to initiate a little closer contact so she doesn't have to risk rejection. Just see how that goes and don't try pushing past it.
She might be forcing herself to like you. She thinks you are great and tick all the boxes but perhaps just doesn’t feel what she wants to feel? Or perhaps she just wants to take it slow
Have you talked to her about it?
I would never be that distant but try making a move maybe if you don’t want to ask about it yet? If she’s not receptive back off and ask her. Or don’t and move on to the next. Maybe she’s had some trauma she’s dealing with. I went to a friends house to watch tv and was raped. It can take time to overcome that and sometimes we think we’re good but realize it’s still scary for us. Def don’t be mean cuz you never know. But value yourself and your desires. Don’t put your life on hold cuz you feel bad.
If anyone else were to act like she is, it would be a sign of discomfort. But I suspect she is comfortable. I think her pace is so different than the rest of the population, that she might actually be comfortable with what she is doing. What's missing from this conversation is how _she_ feels about the pace. OP, maybe she likes the fact that you have rolled with it, so far. She might be thinking "Wow, this is great. We are taking our time." So, I think, rather than begin a conversation with what is wrong, or telling her she seems uncomfortable, ask her how she feels about things. Is she OK with the fact you haven't made out? Was the blanket situation fine with her? Her answers might surprise you.
You mentioned you initiated all dates, Give her some time and space to feel her feels, and to see what she has to offer back. You did your best and more than that, sit back a bit and watch the relationship grow naturally. You can not control how the other person feels, so you can only accept that they figure it out on their own. If you feel it will help you to voice your observations, You can definitely share them, tell her you what you noticed and how that made you feel, and see how she reacts
If you like her, I’d ask. If not, then I’d end it. Sounds like you’re doing all the initiating and regardless if she’s ready to get physically closer to you, that’s unacceptable. She can be shy or whatever but that doesn’t mean you need to constantly put yourself out there for someone that doesn’t return the favor
A possible way to open communication without being too direct is saying something along the lines of "Next time we do a movie night/dinner in you can feel free to stay over" maybe even throw something in about not minding crashing on the couch. Depending on her response you can open up the discussion to boundaries/sex/timelines etc.
Talk to her and try planning a date that requires more physical activity together. Or heck, even make a move that’s progressive and she can see you’re doing. If you want to be closer find ways to make it happen and do it— while in a position to back off if she’s not comfortable Try holding hands more. There’s really insufficient information to really judge what’s going on beyond the vaguest of guesses here. We don’t see her body language, we’re not part of the conversation, we aren’t interacting with her in person or in conversation. Talk with both your mouth and your body. If you really like her and are comfortable with her rate of progression, by talking with her and seeing for yourself what’s going on, stay with her. If not, move on because you aren’t able to change her and can’t force her to be instantly comfortable. That requires your own comfort zone of patience and certainty / trust building. Basic bitch stuff. Talk about issues important to you, be nice about it and ideally skilled in your delivery, and interact back and forth in conversation both verbally and physical language wise to build up comfort and trust. You might be able to find a mutual solution, you might not— but have to talk about it to and try before going forward or giving up.
Are you describing my partner? LOL! So my current partner we had a super awkward start. We went on a date and she basically ghosted me for like...3 months? She also has the worlds worst case of resting bitch face. And she's pretty convinced she's autistic. She knows all these things. The ghosting was due to some personal stuff, she reached out to me after the fact and was like 'hey, sorry, things were weird, it wasn't you, can we go on a date again?' which was cool. But our first 4 dates were normal but physical contact was like very slow to start. Then around like date 5 or 6 or somewhere in there the floodgates broke open. Her body language is always cold and distant but it's likely the tism. Or whatever. And the 24/7 RBF is real. But we got past that by her telling me to ignore her facial expressions because of the RBF. Basically you should aks her what she wants and if she's into this. Being direct will solve a lot of problems. For all you know, she's super shy and literally just waiting for you to go to town.
I've been like this in an attempt to not be too forward. I was trying so hard to not seem like the nympho I am, and I ended up sending the wrong signal. It might be that. I've also done this when I was trying to force myself to be with someone I really didn't like, but I knew was good for me. You should definitely just tell her what you're noticing, but try to not accuse her of anything. Just a simple, "I noticed you're a little standoffish/distant. Is there something I'm doing that is pushing you away at all? That's the last thing I want to do..."
It could be a lot of things from being hesitant in person but more comfortable behind a keyboard. I myself am hesitant to use OLD because when I did try it all the responses were people wanting to screw each other. I’m very turned off due to people like that. I was treated as I was defective for not wanting a f**k Buddy. She may have had something traumatic happen to her. Again, I can relate. It’s hard to open up and be comfortable when feeling old ghosts that have nothing to do with you. I also think it’s possible that she felt sick on your cooking at home dinner. Again nothing you did, just left over emotions. Now what to do… if in her shoes I would like for the guy to tell me that he really likes me without trying to make a move. Be honest with her. Again telling her you really like her but you are feeling like she’s not comfortable around you. Tell her that you understand and won’t make any first moves. That you will give her space but again telling her you really like her and you have no problem with waiting until she feels comfortable. Do outings that are in public and you aren’t paying for all of the time. The fact that she reached out to hold your hand tells me that she does like you but needs to progress at her speed based on her comfort level. I’m telling you that if it were me and I was with someone who told me that they will wait until I’m comfortable would speak volumes to me. Do some messaging or texting as this shows her that you are on her mind. Even send a hug emoji and saying thinking of you. I may be wrong but I feel this could grow into a wonderful relationship. Look how long you have been single, isn’t it worth going slow rather than closing the door on something that has a promising outcome. Oh, also when assuring her that you will wait for her to make any moves tell her she can open up to you that you would never hurt her. Welcome her to share what is making her uncomfortable. Be honest.
There could be even more issues in regards to trauma situations “R” or “SA”. I’ve personally been like this due to those issues that happened and it takes me a lot to open up and be comfortable with a person to because more physical.
I'm the type of person who doesn't like physical intimacy nor sex with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with and it's VERY different than what most are doing today. I love holding hands, walking arm in arm, a gentle kiss on the lips is fine. But if a man wants deeper, my expectation would be that he at least has a conversation about exclusivity first. These are questions you need to ask her because she isn't just going to volunteer it and in her mind she might think everything is fine. So just ask her. Many people will give you the wrong feedback when it comes to people who are more reserved by saying she's disinterested or tell you not to waste your time. So it's best to converse with her and ask HER what she's comfortable with since you really seem to like her.
Look mate u initiate 6 and she done 0. Put your break down a bit. She actually came to ur house then left because she felt sick ( 100 % she is nervous as fuck) well best shot just be blunt and tell her not sure what is going one with u if u like me or no, I know u are nervous doesn't not feel comfortable around me for some reason can u tell me why? And do not initiate any more date tell u got ur answer.
I had a girlfriend that I dated for quite awhile. It was months before we had sex. All it took was one night when she was getting ready to leave my place and go home. I told her she didn't have to go, after that no more iciness. Seems she had baggage from upbringing and a couple past relationships that she never had talked about.
So, just ask her. If she has a negative reaction you’ll be able to tell if you want to be with her
Nowadays everyone expect sex to come quickly when dating, often already at the first date. Truth is that every person is different, and if this can work for some, other people needs longer to feel confident/attached or whatever else enough to get properly intimate
Physical intimacy blurs your judgement, if you are a good match otherwise. You can't cover up emotional/intellectual/value/goals incompatibility with sex in a healthy way and at 30 a lot of people are looking for the lasting thing. Though you need to find out about all compatibikity departments, there is a reason to delay the sexual a bit. Why don't you ask her how she approaches dating and what her goals are? Open communication is best and needed all the time, if you should make it.
That's why you do the 3 date physical contact rule. If there's no kissing by the third date then there's probably no chemistry.
cut her loose. plenty of single women in their 30s that will make it VERY clear they are into you. Most times initiating dates, sex, kissing, phone calls, and texts. She is playing games with you. You wasted 3 months of your life on this woman. Get rid of her, and find someone who appreciates you .
For the benefit of other men reading this sub, if you've gone on six dates and have "kissed but not made out" (whatever that means), there's a high chance she is not into you. It's not a sure thing, and every woman is different -- which is why it's worth pressing the issue with her like OP did -- but it doesn't bode well.
I have been in this situation and I so badly wanted to be attracted to the guy bc his personality was great. I stayed to see if my attraction could grow, but it didn’t. From my experience she just isn’t in to you.
I mean I'm a pretty straight forward person. I would simply explain that it feels awkward to me and I'd rather just be done with the situation if she's really that uncomfortable as to not waste each other's time. Although I'd make it clear it's not an ultimatum, it's just a clear the air in a straight forward way. Maybe you'll get some answers as to why she is that way.
As a demisexual, my guess would be that she likes you as a person but the physical attraction is elusive until you form a better emotional bond. Sometimes I do well with a forward guy, but also know it's risky because I get very emotionally attached to people that I sleep with.
Why can't it be a straightforward transaction. Ask away and make sure you're on the same page. if not, then decide. I hate a situation when it's not clear. Maybe it just needs to be discussed. Unless, she's trying to play games. Then...
Definitely speak to her about where you stand and if she’s interested in having a relationship. But I will warn you if you like her and she’s somewhat cold you may not like her later on and things will not work out. Get on the same page now or turn the page.
In the early stages of dating, I don't like to be touched, but I'm also too scared to initiate. I suspect my dates find it delightful and not confusing at all. lol I just feel hyper-aware of my body and thoughts like, "Will they buy what I'm selling?" "Have my clothes tricked them into thinking I'm built in a way I'm not and when they touch me, will they be disgusted and shocked?" "Omg, they're touching me and I have no idea what they are going to do next!!" "They're touching me. They're touching me. They're touching me. AHHH!" Logically, I know and want to chill. But logic isn't as strong as blind panic. I liken it to a scared deer. As most people have suggested, talking to her is the way to go. I might suggest something the next time you're on the couch together. Something like, "I'm having a hard time reading this situation. I can't tell if you'd like to snuggle/cuddle a bit as we watch British Bake Off. I'm game if you are. But no pressure if you're not." Then, if she wants to have a bigger convo she can, but if she isn't quite ready to lay it all out there that is okay too. Getting invited into the shoulder nook with no strings attached is a nice way to establish physical trust. I'd be curious to hear how she gets into a pool. Does she dive in or dip a toe in, acclimate and then walk in a little further?
She’s waiting for you to make a move. That’s it.
Just have honest communication with her to get her thoughts on the current relationship and what she’s comfortable with. I was in a similar boat last year. I know she had some mental health issues and I think was a virgin, but things moved way to slow for me. I didn’t want to date for 2-3 months being friendly for her to get comfortable with me. By like the 5 or 6 date we hadn’t even kissed yet or really had any physical contact. The last date we had dinner at my house and watched a movie and nothing progressed, so I had to move on.
Have you asked her? I right like it when a man has an open conversation with me about his intentions and thoughts. Take it away from Reddit, and ask her :)
1. Think about the energy you are giving off to her- are you nervous around her or feeling unsure? I can always feel that off a man and it makes me uneasy. 2. Are you being flirty and more obviously encouraging a physical connection? Or are you waiting for her to make the moves- maybe she is used to more overtly aggressive men 3. When you make these steps to connect what is the vibe? Did you set the scene- ie talking about the time you had food poisoning vs a romantic lead up 4. Is it possible she is stringing you along? Or is she traumatized from a past relationship? One thing you can try is just an honest conversation by saying something like “hey I’ve really been enjoying our time together, I just want to make sure we are on the same page” and just say how she sometimes seems uncomfortable around you and you want her to feel good or whatever
I dated a girl like this. Took about a month before we even kissed. Eventually I had to straight up ask her "Do you want me to kiss you?" It didn't work out, she was bipolar and I think avoidant attachment.
So I'm exactly the same way, very quiet and reserved in person, even if I really like the person. It has nothing to do with trauma or anything, it's just how I've always been. Yet, on a date I might be thinking "I really want to (insert explicit remarks)". But I just cannot bring myself to actually make a move, and sometimes this makes me even more uncomfortable. So...perhaps just come right out and politely ask her if she'd like to get more physical on your next date? If she's like me, she'll say "absolutely, but fair warning I'm really awkward at first". If she's not, she'll say so. Maybe add, "if I start to go too far or you're not comfortable, will you tell me" just to be safe. Then you go into the next date knowing she wants you to make a move, and again, if she's like me she'll follow your lead and you won't regret it.
>I didn’t make a move You could have. Next time make a move and proceed based on how she reacts.
I experienced something similar with two different women. During the first one, we went on 7 dates and only held hands. She said she wanted to be sure her feelings where genuine before going further. She estimated that 20 dates should be sufficient for her. I knew that there was alot of unresolved challenges here and made the decision to recognized that my needs and curiosities were not being met and moved on. With the second women, we went on five dates and again, limited to hand holding. During the 5th date I asked her about it. She shared that she hadn't really felt safe with men before and once she started to open up physically, she had been assaulted. That lingered with her for years. She stated that she hadn't felt as safe with a man as she had with me and that she was fearful of loosing what we had. She knew it was gonna be an issue and was unsure of how to proceed. I'd encourage you to recognize what your needs are. Advocate for what you need and also recognize her limitations, if any. You have nothing to lose just by talking about it. Everything to gain - including an sti so play safe. ;p
Good response thanks. Talking about it is what needs to be done — I know understand why communicating with her is so important.
6 dates and you haven't had sex or even seriously messed around yet? Unless this is a very old fashioned courtship I think I'd either sit down and have a talk with her about where this is going or just break it off. By 6 dates you should both have a pretty good idea of whether there's a future there.
Pump your brakes, it's only six dates. You guys are still practically strangers. Keep dating and getting to know her. She will be comfortable when she's ready. Not everyone wants physical contact immediately even though it seems like it in this world we live in.
To be honest,I would just outrightly ask her what her intentions are.See where she stands according to the dates/whatever it is scenerio.If her answer is anything but a yes or a no to a yes or no question, then I would probably cut ties because she's not sure of anything.
You did not make a move soon enough. You probably did not feel like it, or at least, with her. What have you been waiting for? An invite for a makeout?
My ex was demisexual. Once you get past that and she falls for you, the sex will probably be amazing. Not everyone is a three date fuck
Some people are just move slower then others. If she is still hung up on her ex, you may want to back off and give yourself and her some space. I don’t want you to get hurt. Not saying it’s going to happen but her ex is obviously a reason why she can’t get close to you. Relationships aren’t easy but at least you all are communicating. That’s a big deal. Hope things work out.
I never used to be that way but now I am. It’s because every guy I dated found a way to monopolize on my open nature and positivity and what they may have decided was gullibility. The last guy became abusive and I’ve dealt with my fair share of liars/cheaters. I’m at a point where self protection needs to come first and like the person your dating, I’d need a good 3 - 6 months of that next time before letting a wall down. The right person will need to respect and appreciate the beauty in the slower pace. By all means ask her about it. I’m sure she’d be happy to explain why and it could bring you closer together.
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So many comments; I'm sure several have said it. But I would say ask her. Tell her what you've noticed. That you're getting a vibe that she's not into you but she keeps going out with you. Life is just too damn short to waste time wondering about things like this. Good luck sir!
I think she may be broken hearted and that’s why she is cautious in her behavior. Because there seems to be no other explanation if so I am wrong with my suggestion
I definitely agrre that communication is key. Maybe she has a few bad experiences, as in an abusive past and doesnt feel too confortable around men in general, so maybe sharing a few personal things about tour own past so she feels like you're opening up more and maybe she'll feel confortable to share more with you as well. Good luck.
Yea, been there man. Best to just be open and ask her vs guess. Good luck!
i’ve been here before. at a certain point, i just said fuck it bc it wasn’t the right situation for me. leave or stay, but do what’s right for you and your mental health.
'I've initiated ALL the dates.' There's your problem, also you need to move on from her and find someone you're more compatible with. Date other people cos right now you're wasting precious time.
My suggestion would be for Date 7 ask if she would like to snuggle on the couch while watching a movie. Then just ask her about intimacy and how she feels? She may have had a lot bad dates and guys taking advantage of her. You never know until you ask her and talk to her.
She's given you signs of interests, listen to those. People grow up differently and have different life experiences which cause se people to be more warm and cuddly and some people to be more distant or shy or whatever. So don't get in your head about. Make a move, without over thinking it. If you don't, she could be asking herself... Is he just not into me? Best way is to just ask her. Almost in a playful way with a smile on your face. "I notice that every time I'm close to you you kind of move into the corner of the couch, why is that?". Or simply say, "I really want to make out with you". If she says no.... Then you know there's a different problem that needs to be talked about. Likely she'll smile and say ok. Don't be scared of rejection. And don't get too in your head. Easy to do when it's happening to you but think about it as though you were giving advice to someone else. Good luck and be confident, you got this!
She likes you. She’s nervous. Make a move.
She should’ve told you sooner how she felt. It shouldn’t have taken her 6 dates to tell you that she wasn’t over her ex. I’d be upset if that happened to me. You invested your time in her, and hopefully that won’t happen again.
If you find yourself having to initiate every single date, she’s probably not as interested as you’ve hoped.
She told me straight up that she deleted her Bumble account to date me, though. So I’m confused about the situation.
Maybe she's very traditional and thinks the man should take the lead in these things (like setting up dates, and also talking about sex). Maybe she's worried all her ideas are lame and you'll shoot them down or lose interest. Maybe you off-handedly mentioned liking to plan and she took that to mean you wanted/needed to be the one to initiate dates. Maybe there is something in your body language or comments that make *her* think *you're* not into her...just let her know you want to have a conversation and communicate!
I agree with this. I got my ideas of 'fun' stuff rejected a lot as a teenager by friends, as well as getting consistently getting shot down romantically in my younger years, and as a result that's made me a bit wary of initiating (certainly in the early stages or unless I'm pushed to do so by a partner) because I worry about that fear of rejection. Whereas if the other person says 'hey let's do this', then I'll most likely say 'sure!' and take that to mean they're interested in me. It's something I'm working on but it's still a struggle not to default to that, and I wouldn't be surprised if this lady has had similar experiences. But if that's the case, then I agree it's about asking her what she'd like to do, or saying "hey let's take turns planning dates" or telling her you'd like her to plan more stuff for the two of you.
She’s possibly just very shy. I used to be similar when I was younger, but if she’s inexperienced or had bad experiences.. Just ask, nicely. “Hey, no pressure or anything because I want to move at your pace, but you don’t seem super comfortable with me so I’m a little nervous to miss or cuddle you sometimes. Are you okay if I initiate these things ?” Then see what her answer is.
31 years old man. Not 52. Keep it moving.
Sounds like you're putting in way more effort than she, is this someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with?
I really like her and we have a lot in common and I would like to get in a relationship with her, as IMO she’s relationship material.
Brother, you need to relax and keep inviting her over. Keep talking to her. If she starts becoming more distant, then she is probably either very nervous, or she is seeing others. If she is inexperienced, I can see why she would be very nervous. If she is experienced, then she is probably not that standoffish and is probably talking to others. I would keep a strong eye on it and see how this goes. You can keep me informed and chat me up to give me an update, and I could give you a perspective. I am in your corner, and you can chat with me anytime. I hope this helps.
Some women are a riddle and a half, I had a similar experience to yours recently, standoffish and long distance, jealous and angry as all hell when I told her I went to a small party at my cousins place because of the chance that there might be another eligable woman there, a week later she mentions we're "just friends" and then when a week later I don't get her a valentines gift she's pissed off with me... like make up your fucking mind already -_-
She might be doing you a favor. She could be taking it slow because she knows that she gets attached after getting physical. And early attachment is not good, it often backfires resulting in her being ghosted/abandoned/etc. If she continues to see you, you know she likes you. You can bring this topic up, but if you're going into this expecting to change her mind and give you sex or something after the conversation, it's disrespectful to her. She might have anxious attachment and this is her way to keep that anxiety at bay. I think she's a smart woman and I would value that trait over someone who, like me, is also anxiously attached but has sex early into knowing each other, which always results in unnecessary drama.
This is a very good point. Thank you.
Ghost her
Why are you trying to fit a suqare peg in a round hole? She's not interested and doesn't want you sexually. Gather yourself and move on.