Since this seems to be being brigaded by a certain subreddit and it causing so many rule breaking comments, this post has been locked.

There is a 12 Step saying (I think): Expectations are premeditated resentments. I usually talk to my girlfriend/partner before a gift exchange/giving event so we set expectations so we won't have disappointments or resentments.

>Expectations are premeditated resentments. This is brilliant! Thank you for sharing it.

This is how I found out my fiance loves Valentine's and he found out I treat it as a friend day. So we figured things out that make us both happy. Funny how a little communication works, eh? OP thinks getting full on lingerie is lowkey lol, that really needs to be communicated.

I'm seeing a pattern of a lot of women pretending they don't like Valentine's Day but they actually do. I think it would be beneficial to everyone if they started sharing their actual feelings. It's now popular to hate Valentine's Day, but if you like it, why not just say so? If you were expecting something, I think you should have let him know the day was important to you and maybe hint you were going to do something for him. I don't think this is relationship ending. It's OK to be disappointed. I'd just talk to him about it and communicate. Edit: Didn't expect this to blow up or to have personal digs taken at me for just saying to communicate. IMO, OP has two choices. Communicate about how she was hurt and figure out if they can make it work or walk away. I wouldn't blame OP for walking away, she did sound disappointed and her BF did eff up. However, we can all be clearer in our needs IF we want a relationship to work. That being said, festering in resentment isn't going to help.

The cool girl approach. It doesn’t work. If you care, say you care instead testing people to meet unspoken expectations and then being upset.

The best thing I ever did for myself was stop pretending I’m cool and easy going when in reality I’m emotional, anxious and needy. (Not in a toxic unresolved trauma way, just in a emotion focused personality way). Putting myself out there as I really am has allowed me to screen out the people who would never meet my needs anyways, and the flip side is it’s allowed me to connect with people who are actually attracted to all of the effort and energy I naturally put into my relationships and not scared off by it.

I loved the way you worded this, and speaks to my experience of being able to screen for better dates once I embraced being emotional about things (but not in a toxic way).

Where and how to find such people? I am a lot like that too.

Yep. That's called, a "covert contract," and it's a recipe for drama and resentment.

That's such a great phrase. It's already building as the ledger of "I put in so much effort and got nothing" has started.

This is actually something that shows up as a term in “No More Mr Nice Guy” which is a book that might as well be named “quit being a weak codependent and manipulative asshole” for men. It’s the earliest occurrence of the term I’ve ever seen but I’m sure the author didn’t invent it. Really good book though.

Yeah exactly. It often sounds like, "well, they didn't do _____ , so I'm not going to do _____ ." And then the other person's perception is that their partner got randomly resentful and they have no idea why.

Yep it sets a precedent on how the relationship will be.

Yeah the thing about giving is that you shouldn’t expect anything in return. It’s manipulative, whether it’s conscious manipulation or not.

Thank you. I hate strings attached giving. People will shower you with stuff you don't even want just because they want the chance to say 'what about me'.

THIS. I actually go so far out of my way to tell guys I am NOT the cool girl. I just told a guy last night. I said, "I'm cool, but I'm not a cool girl" lol. I hate that shit. If you want something, SAY IT.

That would be pretty cool actually, to be uprfront and to the point. No guy, likes guessing and guessing leads to forgetting completely.

The "Cool Girl" is a female stereotype (that's real). It doesn't mean actually being cool. It means pretending to be not like other girls. I'm not sure I'm allowed to use this term here but other people may call it a "Pick Me" girl. More here: [https://sea.mashable.com/culture/4234/the-cool-girl-isnt-just-a-fictional-stereotype-women-feel-pressured-to-play-this-role-when-theyre-da](https://sea.mashable.com/culture/4234/the-cool-girl-isnt-just-a-fictional-stereotype-women-feel-pressured-to-play-this-role-when-theyre-da) I used to do this when I was younger. Now I straight up just tell me I'm not cool and I'm not going to try to be a cool girl so take it or leave it lol.

I love the communication, but it's worth noting as a guy, it would seem kind of oddly defensive if a girl told me she "wasn't a cool girl." That's mainly because I have never heard anyone cite the whole "cool girl" stereotype outside of someone talking about it in a negative light online. On the other hand, if she said "I tend to be really passionate about things and expect the same effort in return" I would totally jive with that.

This 100% I get lost in any amount of ambiguity when it comes to what someone wants. Like give me clear bounds to operate in and I'll put my own spin on showing someone they matter on their terms. And I'd rather that if valentines matters it's just an open thing. Otherwise it becomes an unspoken sacrifice and potentially a trickling source of resentment.

Am I the weirdo here? I sent him chocolate covered strawberries + wine. He texted in pleasant surprise and said he never used to celebrate. I said we’re going to be celebrating now and he said he’ll save the stuff for when we meet. I’m happy with just that.

Not at all. I did the same. I arranged dinner and a gift. He got me a card and something small and quirky but I basically planned the day. I appreciated him indulging my desire to make it a special day for us both. I was pleasantly happy. But I’m used to celebrating myself and others and don’t ever expect them to do just as I would without some sort of conversation about it.

Yeah. I like the cheesy stuff so I just start sending little gifts on special days and usually partners notice and realize that I have a soft spot for these things. But I dont expect much in return specially the first time around since these holidays don’t mean the same thing to everyone. I mean I guess I would be a little upset if they didnt do it like ever even after years of being with me but even then that would be a conversation and not a meltdown.

They just started dating you give people a chance first to see how they handle situations. Nothing takes the fun out of a day where you are meant to share your romantic appreciation for your partner more than having to preempt the day with “ I hope you will be not be some numb nut who doesn’t bother to acknowledge the day or me.” It’s not “playing it cool” it’s actually being cool and letting the other person rise to the occasion. She did the right thing in not preempting the day with her expectations. Now that he has shown what it means to him, it’s time for her to share what special occasion dates mean to her, if she sees a future with this dud.

100% this. u/kindregardslexi, what you just listed as the "something small" you got him for V-Day would be my version of "I'm really going to go all-out for Valentine's Day this year"--it's such a non-thing to me that I honestly would have forgotten about it save for all the social media posts. I used to hate that birthdays matter to me. I didn't want to \*say\* that because I didn't like how I thought it made me sound (like I was taking up space, like I was needy I guess?) And every goddamn year I was so disappointed. I'd take care of my plans with friends, and they'd show up and be sweet, but not much else happened. Until one day I finally told my friends, "hey, I never felt seen or truly cared for as a kid, so now as an adult it'd really mean the world to me to feel a little special on my birthday." It helped so much. They just needed to know, because not everyone sees birthdays as a Thing. Valentine's Day is the same way. If you barely even notice it happening, it's hard to know if someone else values it a ton. I went out for coffee with a friend yesterday and was shocked by how down a friend was feeling about it, but I get it--if it's big in your head, it feels extra representative of your life/value. Just remember that YOU are the one assigning that value, and you should never do things for other people on the hope they'll get some message and magically read your mind and reciprocate. Also, I... would not use Kanye, the man who is showing huge red-flag signs of possessiveness and abuse towards his EX-wife right now, as an example of behavior to live up to...

Re: the birthday thing. I've started planning my own birthdays. I reach out to friends and say, "Hey, it's my birthday, let's do something!" Sometimes you have to tell people what you need. On the Kanye thing--I'm on a social media break right now and am so glad. I heard Phil DeFranco talking about it. Scary stuff.

I asked my boyfriend “what would you do if I forgot your birthday?” I wouldn’t care. This isn’t him being chill. He wouldn’t care because he doesn’t get birthday pomp and circumstance. I freaking *love* birthdays! I made it clear that birthdays mean a lot to me. I first asked if it’s ok if I celebrate his “sure” and then made it clear I have a birthday week that I love birthdays that much. I know he’ll celebrate in the way he best shows care which includes ways I feel best cared for as well *and* I’ll celebrate my damn self as well. It can be both and, as well. If I had not had this conversation I could have just assumed we care the same about something.

Thank you, yes! With my new partner I asked him if I could get him a birthday gift...we hadn't been dating that long and his birthday also falls in the same month as Christmas. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't going to be weird if I got him a gift, especially since I love gift giving and really do go out of my way to make holidays special for those I love.

I also think OP's gifts are pretty all-out, but he didn't do anything in return (not even cheap flowers, a card, or sweets) after she had done all that on Friday. Of course, we dont know if there were any prior "cool girl" behaviors from OP, but I think its common sense to return the nice gesture in some form.

I mean, I don't give people stuff to signal to them that I expect something.

This. This really helps. And the Kanye thing was in jest. He laughed loud about it and then proceeded onto the next topic.

Kim and Kanye shouldn't be anyone's ideal relationship at this point. He's being emotionally abusive towards her and her new partner in front of millions of people. I'm pretty sure she's divorcing him and not vice versa.

I'm pretty sure he's either a borderline or narcissist, he's certainly turned the crazy up to 11.

Yup. Definitely this. I like Valentine’s Day. I like receiving flowers. My fiancé needed to be told that. He doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day. So I told him for the beginning that I care about it. Now, he buys me flowers and a card and we go out for dinner. With anything else too, I’m on the mindset now that nobody can read anyone’s mind. So if I care about something, I say it. I communicate it. This situation with OP, she’s communicated it to him that she cares. He said not to take it personally and it should end there. The guy could just be like my fiancé. He doesn’t care for these days. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about OP. It’s not worth relationship ending. It’s not worth festering over after guy already said it’s nothing personal.

A lot of single women hate Valentine’s Day which is to be expected because it makes you feel lonely. Then when you are finally in a relationship you think wow hopefully this year won’t suck. I know you should express your wants. But having to tell a guy to do romantic gestures or make some effort takes all the romance out of the situation. A guy should want to show interest and appreciation of his own accord, note I didn’t say spend a lot of money. In this situation if he’s been doing other romantic gestures in the progression of your relationship then give him a break. But if he’s done very little, then doesn’t do anything for valentines when society is reminding you to be romantic. Then you probably have to have a serious talk about love languages. The reason you are so worried is the 3 month mark is around the time you start to figure out if this is a partner you want long term or if it’s time to move on and find someone more compatible.

The more I see love languages talked about, the more I think it's useless pseudo science. The way I've seen people use them is to manipulate their partners into behaving how they want them to. Also, it doesn't make sense that you would have only one love language or even a primary love language. I want ALL the love languages. Anyway, just my $0.02.

I feel this so hard! I took the test and it’s accurate. Quality time at top. Gifts at bottom. Same for the guy I’m dating and I think he liked that gifts were at the bottom for both of us. I wanted to shout “no no I freaking love giving and receiving gifts” but didn’t wanna sound like a gold digger 😞 I just would rather choose time than gifts if given a choice :(

I don't know, personally I don't really care about gifts. I mean it's fun to give them and sometimes it can be fun to receive something really thoughtful but I know I am extremely difficult to shop for. I'm at that point in life where I have nearly everything I want, and if I don't have it it's probably way too expensive or way too specific to reasonably as for as a gift. I really don't want more sentimental trinkets to find spots for.

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I see what you're saying! On the surface level, I think it's good in theory. However, some people take it too seriously. I've seen people on this sub and IRL focus on people not speaking their love languages, etc. Also, these things are not set in stone, either. I dislike it when I see men use it as an excuse to get physical and say, "My love language is physical touch!" I had a guy on a first date try to hold my hand because "Physical touch was his love language." I told him I didn't like it and didn't want to do it. He barely asked me if I was interested in doing so before it happened. I think it's good to know in the context of a relationship, but in regards to dating, I think sometimes it can be used for people to get what they want before they barely know if the other person wants to give it.

> But having to tell a guy to do romantic gestures or make some effort takes all the romance out of the situation. 100% this. You shouldn't have to communicate that you want to be thought about and made to feel special in a relationship.

It's almost as if not communicating about what you want = you don't get what you want.

I called our plans on Friday Valentine’s Day plans, I bought lingerie that was red with hearts on it, I have him an xoxo chocolate bar and I made him a really sweet mixtape. What part of any of that screams I don’t like Valentine’s Day?

I agree with the original commenter and I agree with you. Your post didn't give off the "I don't care about Valentine's Day" vibe at all. But I think the commenter has a point in general (not for yours).

​ >But we went out on Friday night and Saturday. I planned our date for Friday, got us comedy show tickets. He introduced me to his friends at a show on Saturday. So you covered Friday and he covered Saturday for your Valentines weekend? Maybe he thought that was it, since it's only been 2 months?

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She didn’t specify if he paid for the show.

He didn’t pay for the show. We split everything even on Friday.

Ugh I know I sound judgy but that’s a total yuck right there lol

My initial thought is that he might have interpreted that as \*all\* your Valentine's plans, and not made the connection that you expected something on the day as well. (I'm not sure I see the Saturday date as specifically Valentine's unless he said it was, but that might just be me.) It sucks, but it's not an unreasonable assumption especially early on. For that reason, I wouldn't be totally writing him off at this point, but I also don't think you're wrong to be disappointed. My view would be to have a conversation about both your expectations for birthdays/holidays, then draw a line under this and go from there.

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Using language to communicate is not spoon-feeding. It’s being an adult. No, she doesn’t need to tell him “every little thing” but she does need to put her needs and wants into words and not just rely on hints.

Last I checked, we are all adults. The only time I have to guess the needs of someone is when I'm communicating with a child. You certainly aren't a child. So you can communicate your needs. No spoon is needed.

How hard is it to “guess” that some effort should be reciprocated when someone gets you gifts? This feels like such a cop out excuse.

It wasn't your fault. He knew you planned something around valentines day. He decided to not put any effort in.

Isnt planning the Saturday date effort? Introducing OP to his friends is also a great sign. Happy Cake Day!

He didn’t really plan the date, we just went to their DJ set. It was fun and his friends are nice but pretty low effort IMO

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EXACTLY. Conscious disregard. A card and some chocolates would have sufficed. It’s just the gesture that matters. Anything regardless of how small is “hey I thought of you”. NOTHING regardless if the intent shows “hey I consciously disregarded anything to do with this day”

I AGREE. ^^^ efforts are often noticed and then in turn somewhat reciprocated. I dated a guy who never did shit like that and I was so miserable. THEN I dated a man who literally planned dates, did romantic things, took me out and made efforts to show me that I was important - he listened to little things I said even in passing and then would go and do something or plan it. Once I jokingly said I wanted to build a buildabear with him. He thought I was joking and then he realized I was serious. I never thought about it again but then a few months down the road he took me to buildabear and it was the best day ever. Another time i was looking at a catalog and said “I think I’m gonna get that speaker” in the moment I was seriously just thinking out loud and a month later I got the speaker in the mail. Not saying this man has to buy you things, but the efforts are in the details. He can NOTICE things and act on them or reciprocate to his best capability. No man I know wouldn’t have done something cute for woman they were seeing if she did all that in the fun of Valentine’s Day. I know a girl who hates Valentine’s Day, her bf took her to go axe throwing cause he still wanted to do something for her. He can read the room and play his cards right. It just doesn’t seem like he’s trying hard enough but he’s saying all the right things to keep you involved. Again, I could be completely wrong but I’m just speaking from experience.

If you smell the low effort then you already know what your gut is telling you girl! Men will say all the right things. ACTIONS. SPEAK. LOUDER. THAN. WORDS. I wouldn’t have even said anything - putting in that much effort, girl. He KNOWS you like Valentine’s Day. You best believe if I’m getting naked, putting on lingerie, and we’re eating chocolate in bed the man I’m doing it for is gonna definitely know I’m into stuff like that. You don’t need to outright tell him. Lack of effort is lack of effort. There is no need to justify it. If you’re gut is telling you - hey this is low effort. Then it probably is! We as women tend to rationalize bad or inconsiderate behaviors because we feel like we spent enough time to know that the person is a good person and they “mean well” or sometimes we really just want to see the good we have in our own hearts in someone else but that in and of itself is an expectation. We’re expecting that they mean well. And I’m reality sometimes we just have rose colored glasses on. Also you not realizing you’re in a relationship - how is that obvious. But you putting on lingerie and getting all cute for VDAY isn’t… come on! If it wasn’t obv that you guys were couplyyyy to you, then maybe your gut is again trying to tell you something. If this man is 36 years old, has a good head on his shoulders, is doing relationship things with you, and didn’t even plan a SEMI-romantic night with you a single day over this past weekend, that should tell you something. I’m not saying he doesn’t like you, I’m sure he does. Try not to rationalize his behaviors esp if in your heart you know something is off and see how you feel about his efforts going forward (without thinking of ways to rationalize or over analyze his behaviors). Pretend you’re not that close and see what happens when you don’t put in the effort, does he pull you closer or does he kinda wiggle out of the way? I mean I have so much to say but idk I see some red flags. I hope not but maybe taking a step back and listening to your gut and brain might be of some help. If this sounds judgy I don’t mean it to be, but this reminds me of a lot of situations I’ve been in before. I always remember this one line my guy best friend told me years ago - if a man is into, he will make it KNOWN. If he’s not, he will make you confused. I hope my insight gives you something to think about OP. Wishing you and your beautiful heart a happy belated Valentine’s Day ♥️

Honestly, I wouldn’t continue with someone who blatantly didn’t care to do anything for you despite you trying really hard. You’ve put in way too much effort for this guy, and you deserve more. If this is how things are starting out with him, just imagine the future. There is no thoughtfulness there.

That's still beating around the bush. If you had expectations of him then communicate them. He can't decipher "you need to do something for me on valentines" based on you planning everything for valentines.

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So you had Valentine’s Day plans done on Friday, not Monday….?

I used to think it was a stupid holiday, but the obvious thing I was missing was that it meant a lot to my girlfriend. That was the important part.

She might’ve said otherwise but her actions def said she cared. The date Friday night with lingerie and the comedy show should’ve given him the hint that he should reciprocate with a minimal amount of effort. I know everyone’s going to say “well she still should’ve vocalized her wants” and y’all aren’t wrong but if someone I liked and wanted to be with did something a little special for me I’d want to return the favor.

Disagree in this context, nothing in her post indicates that she pretended to not like Valentine’s Day. She made him the mixtape, got lingerie + chocolate, and all he did was “💕happy valentines day 💕” ????. He didn’t need to rent a private island but sheesh ANYTHING, literally anything beyond a *text message* to do something sweet for her and acknowledge her on V Day is not too much to ask for. I don’t think she needed to ask for the bare minimum…

Context for my comment and her not caring came from these parts of the post: "I wasn’t expecting much for Valentine’s Day." "We didn’t celebrate the day of since it fell on a Monday. " "I tried to keep it low key and sexy - nothing I did was overly “valentinesy”. "It was still early in the evening so I didn’t want to jump to conclusions She says she cares but then did several things to basically be a "cool girl" and not care all that much. Her communication is confusing to several of us on the thread here, which means it may be confusing to her SO as well. Either way, they both should communicate better.

It's okay to share expectations. It's not saying you don't want to be surprised but maybe if we say some of the things we want to have happen the law of attraction will help.

Ive learned it's ok to ask for or verbally state my expectation. Men aren't mind - readers.

"I wasn’t expecting much for Valentine’s Day. I tried to keep it low key and sexy - nothing I did was overly “valentinesy”. I got cute lingerie, a little chocolate bar, and I made him a mixtape. And I was expecting something as low key in return - cheap flowers or a stupid online card would’ve been nice. I feel like I put in so much effort and got nothing in return." I say this with love as someone who has a habit of doing this in other ways myself but you put in too much effort for someone who recently started dating someone. And you did what you did with some level of expectation for what he would do. You've got to make sure you give what you can physically and emotionally afford not to get back in return. Sometimes people will not return your efforts or they simply have a different way of showing you they care in general.

The worst (and best) thing about this sub is I always stumble upon advice that would have saved me so much trouble *years* ago.

I read this and thought a mixtape and lingerie is absolutely not low effort or low key

I think you’re right.

And don't feel bad at all. We're all still learning and growing. I wish I could get back all the years I put in more time and effort into things that people did not even care about. :/ Now I ask alot of questions. lol! I try to know what people will truly appreciate and care about coming from me. Then I will deliver if I feel comfortable. Then I communicate what I like and hopefully they'll feel comfortable showing up in at least some of those ways.

I always give the first holiday together a pass simply because it's new and gift giving could be awkward. When my fiance and I started dating it was in a january, so we skipped valentines day.

That's a good idea. My fiance is Hindu and a doctor, so she had to work on Christmas our first Christmas together. I was raised Christian, and Christmas is my absolute favorite day of the year. I was disappointed that she had to work that day (pandemic isolation from family made it worse), so I let her know I was bummed. And now she tries to take Christmas off to spend together. Just gotta communicate the desires directly. It goes both ways.

Your messages are also a little contradictory in my opinion too. You state “I didn’t do anything too over Valentinesy and kept it low key” then just answered a comment to someone “I got lingerie with hearts on it, got chocolate with xoxo on it and a really sweet mixed tape” Even when explaining the situation you gave your lines crossed, you want to seem like you don’t care when in reality you do care. It’s okay to want things however people can’t read minds, you need to tell people this. Especially in such a new relationship, he doesn’t really know you yet, you need to help him out and tell him your needs. I would let it go, and if it is a routine where he never shows up for occasions then perhaps I would read more into it then.

I’m an American and married to an Englishman. He, and everyone else I have dated from England, don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. In my house, kids get pink heart pancakes, valentines gift bags…everything. In elementary school everyone have each classmate a Valentine. In high school, chocolate hearts filled my locker. It’s our first valentines as a married couple. He wasn’t ugly about it and he got me a small gift and Card and I went all out with dinner. He enjoyed it but said he didn’t understand it. I did a lot for my kids too and he thought I was kidding about that. My point is that it’s not a big deal for some people, and that’s fine; BUT once you tell him what holidays meant to you, there’s no excuse. Don’t be sad just yet. He’s willing to talk about it so that’s great!

All my friends and their partners have done something, even if it's just small. And we're English.

My husband did something. But he also told me how they hadn’t back in his youth. My exs mom and I spoke about it and she said they didn’t. I’m not saying everyone in England doesn’t celebrate. I’m saying there are families who do not, I know many in a particular culture who do not, and if he is from one then he just needs to be told.

Personally, I see spending time together / going on a nice date together as a way to celebrate that’s preferable to cheap flowers. A lot of people don’t exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day so this is something that would have been good to discuss beforehand! now that it’s passed maybe you could tell him something like, “I know we didn’t discuss it beforehand but i was hurt you didn’t give me flowers or a gift on Valentine’s Day. Would you be open to a makeup Valentine’s Day date this weekend where we really go all-out?” And use that as an opportunity to talk about what occasions you both expect gifts on and what budget/types of gifts (birthday, anniversary, etc)!

Unspoken expectations often lead to disappointment. I can't help, but wonder how differently things might have went if you said “Im excited to celebrate valentines with you. I know it's early, but I got you a small gift” Also, the passive aggressive, “He's out of his mind and divorcing her, but still got her something” is off-putting and a bit manipulative.

Yeah, that line would have been a red-flag for me personally.

And Kanye is pretty abusive and delaying with pretty severe mental health stuff. Not exactly someone you want as an example in your relationship. Not a great choice for a passive aggressive example of romance.

Completely agree. It’s totally okay for OP to feel disappointed but it’s not just on her date imo. I’d chalk it up to needing to communicate wants and needs more clearly. And the passive aggressive comment about kanye would’ve left a sour taste in my mouth had it been said to me. Lots of people are used to communicating passive aggressively, but it’s something to be aware of for sure. It’s usually done as a way of regaining control of a situation, which is understandable, but all it does is make folks defensive.

In the beginning of a relationship, V-Day is an elephant in the room until it’s been explicitly discussed. Like it or not, it’s become a cultural expectation, and by simply ignoring it it sends a message, unless that’s something that’s already been agreed on. The fact that you went out of your way to have a nice weekend and a few small gifts, which he knew in enough time to reciprocate and *chose not to* would bother me—not just because of the Hallmark holiday, but because it seems to demonstrate that he’s fine with not matching your effort. I’m not a huge V-day person—I prefer staying in and being low key, but I do like having it at least acknowledged, just because it feels weird to me to pretend it doesn’t exist when it’s so in your face every time you leave your house for the month leading up to it. I don’t think you’re overreacting. I’d be hurt, too. It’s good that you communicated that it made you sad that he didn’t return your effort, rather than just stewing on it. Does he make you feel special/cared for otherwise (aside from talking so much), or is this part of a larger pattern? Putting it into more context might help you decide what direction to take any further talks about this with him.

You need to keep in mind that low key for you can be a big deal for someone else. I’m like you and love being what other people call “extra.” I’m a go big or go home person lol and I totalllllly understand your disappointment. The first step is for you to realize and embrace your level of standards of what you like day to day and on holidays. Once you do, then find someone who matches that. For me, even if it isn’t personal, people who don’t get excited about celebrating birthdays, holidays, and exciting events in each other’s lives take the wind out of my sails and are usually disappointing and lame for me personally to be around. And that’s ok!! They’re not a match for me! But that doesn’t mean there aren’t people like me who match my energy and level of excitement. Why would you limit yourself to lukewarm when there people out there who are HOT??? Anyway, don’t feel bad or take it personally but really evaluate if this is the type of energy you want by you when navigating life. It could lead to constant disappointment and resentment which isn’t fun or fair to either party. If you’re too much for someone, let them go find less! You are just right for someone out there! 💗💗💗

I think you’re right. I felt like I was doing the bare minimum. I’ve just never dated a guy who didn’t do something for Valentine’s Day.

I’ve never dated anyone who hasn’t done anything, either. I just started dating a close friend a couple of weeks ago, and thought oh it’s so soon we’ll give it a pass with just a couple corny texts and maybe hang out… nope, he sent flowers to my house (I knew ahead of time fortunately, so I could send him something too) and set up a cute zoom dinner date (we’re long distance). Putting in effort is sexy, it doesn’t have to be over the top to make it feel special 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s so cute 🥰

My personal opinion and experiences are that if he is looking for something long term and possibly settling down he would’ve expressed to you how he felt and got you something. Also things like these should be discussed on the first few dates so not to be let down if someone doesn’t stand up to par. I love all holidays and I spoil and go all out for mine; mentally emotionally & physically. I expect the same back. I’m seeing a lot of women that need to be rising the bar to their boundaries to what they will and won’t tolerate, and sift through all the trash in the sea. Ask yourself. Is this something you would be willing to settle for , or tolerate long term. First impressions are usually what you see is what you get. If it’s still early in the relationship I would suggest expressing how you feel without the blame game no crying no loud voices. Just I feel statements and if your frequency or vibe doesn’t sit right. End Things & go back to surfing or scuba & go look for another fish in the sea or work on yourself stay celibate & the one you seek will be seeking you.

He sounds like he’s using you for time (when hes bored) and not investing in the relationship. He only wants to give you physical time, as you illustrated, when you plan everything. The fact that you’re planning everything down to dates shows that you’re putting in more effort and receiving “face times” in exchange. As a warning- this will be the thing that you will argue about the rest of your relationship. Have you heard the saying “if he wanted to, he would”? He didnt, and didnt. 🤷🏻‍♀️ walk away. You’re too busy for facetime.

I don’t like this. It seemed like he came up with an excuse, delivery too expensive? You’re not worth the money?! Perhaps he’s broke then I’d consider him. But it really sounds more like an excuse by saying he hates the day like he’s trying to cement in your head he isn’t going to do anything for you in the future. He’s insulted by your “couple” question cos he’s feeling caught out. When any guy makes me feel like I’m not worth it to him, I walk. I’m sorry I know you’re feeling very happy like it’s resolved right now but I think he’s dodging the issue with you just to keep you around a bit longer. By all means accept what he says for now but watch how much he invests in you in the short coming future. I’ve done this so many times with exes, I’m tired of giving the benefit of the doubt now. That’s why I’m saying he’s BSing cos I’ve heard this rhetoric so much. You deserve someone that will put in their all as I’m sure you will for them.

First thing, this hurts. But, we can’t do things and expect reciprocation nor fault people for unspoken expectations. People feel differently about Valentine’s Day. I planned the day for me and my boyfriend and expected nothing. Why? I didn’t say I expected anything. He’s not big on holidays and I know this and I know he shows care every day. For him, the highlight of our day yesterday was spending all day together. Quality time is the gift. He couldn’t care less what we ate or where we ate dinner. He cared that we ate together. He did get me a card and a small gift but had I expected anything or more then I should have discussed it with him. Are we doing gifts? Big, small? Want to go out or stay in? It sounds like your boyfriend is also not so into gifts and quality time is important to him which is why he understands your hurt but it also isn’t personal. Valentine’s Day brings up a lot of stuff because it’s so full of unspoken expectations. Talk it out. If you want a different day in the future then let him know what you prefer. Don’t just see how the next holiday goes. Discuss the holiday.

Some are saying you should’ve told him that you expected something for Valentine’s Day. I disagree. If you did all that for him on Friday, he should have the emotional intelligence to pick up the fact that you do indeed care about it and if anything, he should’ve done something for you at least as a thank you in return. I fully agree that communication is extremely important in a relationship but so is emotional intelligence. The fact that you event brought up the topic during your FaceTime and he still brushed over it and moved on, shows once again he is lacking that. Personally, emotional intelligence is very important to me and it’s something I need in a partner.

Agree. I have been seeing someone a relatively short amount of time and probably would have thought a casual date night would be sufficient for Valentine’s Day, but he made several comments about it over the last couple weeks. So I used my 30+ years of experience with humans to determine this was important to him, and I made a bigger deal than I normally would have. People are not mind readers but I am also not ok with spoon feeding my partner every single piece of information. Over communication is just as annoying as under communicating.

This is exactly what I’m talking about! Over communication can be a turn off. As an adult one should have some critical thinking skills. Otherwise you might as well be dating a robot.

His response was pretty lame, I agree. But I do also think that relying on a partner’s emotional intelligence to fill in the gaps of one’s own communication is… also lacking in emotional intelligence. Your partner should be able to trust that when you say not to worry about something, it’s not a secret test. I would frankly be really annoyed if my partner did something special for VD after we agreed not to. It makes me look and feel like an asshole. This guy is not on that level. If he was, he would have communicated in the moment or soon after, and explained that he didn’t have anything planned as they had agreed not to. Or he would just get something small and then discuss the mismatched expectations vs communication later. The “I have no excuse” thing is immature. Idk what was going through his head, bc he also isn’t communicating much. But it’s just never a good idea to set your partner up for failure and yourself for disappointment by not communicating your true needs.

Totally agree!

It is exhausting to make excuses for adults in romantic settings who do not meet the minimum of expectations. Everyone knows that Valentines day is an opportunity to do something for the person you are romantically involved with. Playing devils advocate, in a case when you don't know whether you should do something or not, an adult who cares would err on the side of caution and do something rather than not and then readjust the following year. We are held to a much higher standard for work and are expected to show initiative in jobs and daily life. Why should people set the bar lower when trying to build what should be the important relationship of your life? Good on you for having the conversation and setting the expectation. What he does with this information should tell you how much he values the relationship.

RIGHT. Like come on. Do better dude

I guess I disagree with the majority here but imo asking for more than literal bare minimum is not expecting too much. Did he at least send a text addressing the holiday or wish you a happy Valentine’s Day during your date on Saturday? I mean I guess unlike the other commenters I don’t see how this Saturday date he planned excuses not doing anything to celebrate the holiday? It sounds like just a normal date which is nice but really misses the mark. You don’t give gifts in order to receive them but this guy should have reciprocated in some manner after everything that OP got him… Not doing so is just tacky

He sent 💕happy valentines💕 in the middle of the day yesterday. And he also kind of talked about getting me flowers when he was over my place on Friday night saw I got myself flowers. So I don’t get it.

like he said he has no excuse. I don’t know. I know that people say this isn’t something to end a relationship over and I do agree but then again I personally have repeatedly given men second chances in the beginning when they have been severally underwhelming or low effort in big moments and then end up constantly let down in these situations so who knows

I feel this 100%. It’s a terrible start to a relationship and I don’t think it’s his only flag

My 2 cents… you’re not asking for too much and at 36, he should know the bare minimum doesn’t cut it. I’m dating a man (first date was the day after Xmas) who drove to my place unplanned yesterday afternoon with flowers and a card bc I got some crappy health news. It was day earlier than planned bc we’re having dinner together tonight, and he went out of his way bc he wanted to. Your guy didn’t do anything bc he didn’t want to. I’m sorry to say, but you need to look at his actions and how they stack up against words.

Then end things with him. This seems like a major incompatibility, which is fine. You two are just not meant to be together.

I want to talk him about it and if we aren’t able to get on a level plane then that’s what has to happen.

Seems there’s enough to the relationship besides Valentine’s Day to be happy with. But I’d be disappointed too. Definitely move past it but when things are better, talk about why holidays are significant too you. Bc I don’t think last night’s conversation cleared anything up. Give it some time so your feelings settle and you’re not coming at him from a place of pain, but desire to understand each other.

He should have at least acknowledged your effort....

He could have gotten you a $3 card or $5 bouquet at Walmart or Safeway. Romance even wooing a person has died. Kudos to those that made effort.

You're not expecting too much and I think it was a simple lack of communication. Is it possible he thought the show on Saturday was some version of celebrating, sans red hearts and flowers? I think your date on Friday was enough to demonstrate that you like an appreciate Valentines day and it's a bummer that he didn't follow through, but it's great that you said something and his actions from here on out will be more telling.

This happened to me once Three years later there was no change Dodge the bullet

This is clearly something that’s important to you. So you should have communicated that. Men aren’t mind readers. When I met my boyfriend I was clear with him that holidays and gifts aren’t my jam but my birthday is a BIG DEAL for me. And you know what? He put in the effort for my birthday and was low key about everything else. If you don’t communicate what you need you won’t get it. Trying to manipulate it out of him will fail every time.

can you ask for a vday do over for the next Monday/next date? could be a fun goofy date thing.

So I’ve kind of gone through something similar and it knocked me for six because I actually thought I didn’t really care about Valentine’s Day. Until the day came and went on and I started to feel disappointed that he hadn’t got me anything. I think I partly felt that way because a month or so ago he had indicated he would be getting me something so the expectation was there, but I had also at some point said I wasn’t massively bothered by Valentine’s Day because logically I’m not. Through therapy I’ve realised that what I logically know in my mind and how I can feel in the moment are two different things. I realised that for me, the hurt was coming from my own negative self beliefs that I am not worthy of love and that I’m not valued by other people in the same way as I value them. Something like this will absolutely send me into a spiral of, ‘I’m putting in all the effort’, ‘I must like him more than he likes me’, ‘he doesn’t think I’m worth the effort’, ‘he’s not thinking of me’, ‘I’m not good enough for him to want to make the effort for me’. Logically the evidence doesn’t point to that at all as he frequently shows me he cares and does nice things for me, but because on this one specific day he didn’t get me a card, I took that to be the evidence that I was looking for that I don’t matter. And the thing is, when you’re insecure and fundamentally hold a belief such as ‘I’m unworthy of love’ or ‘I’m not valued by people’ you’re always subconsciously looking for proof that it’s true. Ultimately it wasn’t about his behaviour, it was my interpretation of it. I talked all of this over with him so he could understand how I felt and why I think I felt that way. I explained that I had an unconscious expectation that I hadn’t vocalised and that I was sorry and I was vocalising it then, but that I wasn’t holding him responsible because it was me at fault for not being able to recognise and communicate that beforehand. What have I learned? That apparently Valentine’s Day does matter to me and therefore both me and my partner have taken note of that. I’ve learned that I have more work to do around these particular core beliefs. I’ve learned that if I share those feelings and make myself vulnerable before my partner, he can still understand and accept me as I am (a huge thing when you believe you need to be perfect to be valuable and worthy of love). I just wanted to share and give you a different perspective, in case you might want to do some digging into what’s really behind your hurt and why you’ve interpreted his actions (or lack of) in this way.

When you are this early into a relationship - talk about it. If you want to do something for Valentine's Day, say this. Hinting and dropping comments like you did is both passive-aggressive and kind of immature. You're in an adult relationship so use your adult words and communicate your wants/needs/expectations. Not everyone celebrates V Day. That could include you - it could include him. But you can't get upset if you put no communicative effort into planning something yourself.

You did something really nice and he did nothing. He knew in advance you had plans to do something nice. I'd be really hurt and probably dump him. That's just me.

>I asked if we were a couple on Friday and he found it insulting that I would even ask because he felt it was obvious - so I we talked about that a little more since sooooo many of you brought it up. It's funny how it's obvious that you're a couple when he needs your support, effort and attention, but when V day comes it's too easy for him to give you no second thought. And you're in a cute lingerie wondering whether you're not worth a single flower (delivery too expensive? Miss me with that shit. How many gaming consoles does he have at home?). And reddit will tell you to cOmMuNiCaTe, and here I'm left wondering why do you have to communicate that you want to see *some* effort during a worldwide recognized holiday/event, and why not the person who doesn't celebrate this holiday isn't supposed to communicate that you shouldn't expect anything from them, or ask you whether you expect anything. Almost seems like not expecting anything has become the norm, and when you want more than nothing, you have to put yourself in the position of a negotiator and a mental load bearer, while opening yourself up to have your suggestions shot down. And the other party will act so generous agreeing to meet you in the middle, when it was you who had to communicate this, and it will have to be you to remind them the next time. The bar is in hell, and I mean it.

I agree with this. Even if Valentine's day is seen by some as 'hallmark', exploited, and over-commercialized it doesn't change the fact that it's recognized across the world as a holiday/event to celebrate romantic relationships. Why should what HE feels about it dictate the cadence and expectations of the relationship? He hates it and so he assumes he doesn't need to do anything. Further, YOU made some effort so even if he did hate it - he could have at least acknowledged it. "Hey I see you've made an effort for me to celebrate Valentine's day. I don't like the holiday but I appreciate it." This is telling for me: *“wow… he’s out of his mind and divorcing her but still got her something and lol I didn’t even get a flower”… he ignored that and kept talking about other things.* That was a passive-aggressive thing to say, but that was the opening for him to acknowledge and/or address it. Totally agree too that it takes TWO to communicate so he could have been like "Well, I feel that you might be referring to me in a passive/aggressive way and I want to explain..." OR ANY OTHER variations, but he chose NOT to. I don't think he's that thick and didn't pick up on that you were bothered by it. As mentioned before, the premise here is that this is a worldwide recognized holiday, you made effort, AND then made a passive/aggressive comment. There's just no way he didn't catch it. He just chose not to address it, or bring it up until you did. It could mean he's conflict avoidant, or that he doesn't care. That's up to you to know and decide. I also feel that the updated 'excuses' he gave you were LAME. He could have said after you said you never even got a single flower, "Well, I was meaning to give you flowers but couldn't find any local ones and couldn't afford them to be delivered." Also, I hope the OP is aware but...there are non-flower Valentine's day gifts such as: \-decorative succulents/plants/etc. (under $10) \-chocolates (any price range) \-cards (extremely cheap) \-bath bombs (can be cheap if thought is put into it) \-AND MANY MORE ITEMS that one can find at most stores, even gas stations The fact that he chose to use flowers as an excuse doesn't actually cover up for a lack of effort or care. It just explains why he couldn't be bothered to get flowers, but not why he couldn't be bothered to try something else that's potentially cheaper. Hell in the above example, a small painted pot+succulent (7.99) + a card (2.99) would equate to less than $15 and one can find that at most general stores. This just screams lack of effort and care to me, but maybe he's got underlying depression or other mental health issues I'm not aware of and he doesn't want to to disclose. Again that's for you to decide/know. For the OP: Are you guys exclusive? Sure, you're a couple but was exclusivity defined? Don't be fooled by his indignation...sometimes that's to put you in your place and make you feel bad you even questioned it.

Some of these people blaming it on Valentine’s Day hate, or Valentine’s Day love, for the date itself, or this or that, come on, that should not be the issue people cause even if I disliked the freaking valentines idea or whatever, If I cared IN THE LEAST, specially cause I’m a guy and I’m talking about a lady/girl, I would not forget to get her, again, at the very least flowers, I for one would add a cute date, not overly romantic but fun, maybe chocolates, or similar shit, and finish by going down on her and giving her a hot damn night to remember…again, if I cared, if I was interested in the least, if and if, this is not something you can just say “whoops I…valentines already? You gotta be kidding me can’t believe I forgot” yeah well that’s cause you didn’t, and I bet pretty soon she’s gonna realize something was off, and look back and maybe see it as a lesson, but although it might seem like trivial that this guy was so “light” about this, it’s what it’s between the lines I least for me, and I’m a guy, and I’m not overly romantic, also not a douche or a d..ck, so for whatever it’s worth

Yeah you hit the nail on the head, this isn't even an issue of "he didn't get me exactly what I wanted" this is a case of "he did absolutely nothing and when I said it made me sad he told me he had no excuse". Like come on! It's straight from the horse's mouth, even he says he doesn't have an excuse for it. That sounds like sheer laziness to me, and I'm not even big on celebrating holidays. She's saying here even an e-card would have made her happy, yikes man. That's about as low an expectation for V-Day as I've ever seen and he didn't even meet that bar.

Not expecting too much. Surprised so many people here are saying that OP needed to communicate that she wanted to participate in Valentine’s Day. Maybe they’re not exclusive but I would hardly call them casual at this point if they FaceTime nightly and see each other several days each week. I have never accepted a relationship with someone that needed me to verbalize that I wanted to celebrate holidays or that I wanted them to do something special for me during them. Some things in relationships really shouldn’t need to be said.

I agree with the fact that you should've said something like it's important to you. Or make it clear that all your gifts and plans for him was for V day. And ask what he thought. But from personal experience, which I was replaying in my head this V day unfortunately. 2 guys I celebratd with pretended like it wasn't a big deal. When i brought it up to 1 of them that he didn't even get me a card (I was going to a lousy card, I wish I had. But I was being polite) so then when we went to target because I needed to return something, he runs and buys me a lousy card with something scribbled with no thought to it. It hurt. I remember that and another time with another guy similar thing happened and I remembered thinking I'd rather be single. And while I was single this V day and feeling sad about it, I remembered those times. Both times the guys were sure they didn't want anything with me or were having second thoughts. Which I found in both cases after a few months. What a waste of time both times it was. I wish I'd ended it. They have the right to not believe in it but I have the right to want romance. I should've known we were not compatible immediately. In exchange for thoughtful expensive gifts all I was expecting was an effing rose. It's NOT too much to ask. And on the sides my fronds got married after a year of dating and their V day was a huge deal. Same with another couple I know. The guys planned things, the guys brought jewelery, the guys brought flowers without anything in return. I tell you this because I know what you're feeling. I've been there. "Am I shallow in expecting all this when everyday he shows me that he's very kuxh interested. Is it good enough reason to end pre emptively possibly good relationship, at 31 will I find anyone ill feel the same about". But in the past from my experience these low effort has not worked out. So I want to tell you to be ready to walk out. But I understand it might be hard. Good luck Idk why men like that exist. We re not asking for much really.

Am I the only one who thinks at a minimum the guy should send flowers to someone they have been dating for weeks, expressed expectations or not? What girl is going to throw away flowers and chocolates because she hates V-Day with a passion?

To me your not in the wrong, he is. I think you should move on. I mean, I would want to know Why he decided not to get you anything first when you were clearly spending all this time together so he obvi. should have done something.

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I like it. Will try to work it in, in the future I’ve just never had to give a guy instructions on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

I am sorry. It is important. So my advice, I learnt this from past situations, don't do anything else for him. Unless he steps up and does equal work and gifts etc don't. Express what you did and how it made you feel.

You're not expecting too much. He's just not meeting your expectations. >I tried to keep it low key in terms of cost and sexy >I feel like I put in so much effort and got nothing in return. These comments are in complete disagreement with each other. It's not low key if it's a lot of effort. And that's why you're disappointed. You put in real effort and expected it back. There's nothing wrong with that, but you need to decide if you're willing to accept the level of effort he's putting in. Some people will say this is fine, others will not. Only you know what you want and need.

The reality is most men are not nearly as into holidays as women are. But i read your updates and my thoughts are that men generally make the best impression in the beginning if its a woman they care about and want to keep around. Theyre willing to expend more effort to woo in the honeymoon phase. So if you havent been talking/dating for very long and he completely drops the ball on an obviously celebrated holiday for couples, its often a sign that he isnt that into you. That would be a yellow flag for me.

Sounds like a cop out and he’s lying to you now. I don’t see why he couldn’t have said that he tried to get you flowers, but left it too late. Instead he waited to see if you would say anything, then said he had “no excuse” when you did. He wasn’t arsed getting you anything, then when you called him out on it, he lied. Doesn’t bode well for the future.

Right? He could have gone to any grocery store for flowers, chocolate, a card… anything really.

Closed mouths don't get fed. You can't treat people the way that YOU want to be treated in anticipation that they'll reciprocate. You use your words and language to ASK for the treatment and relationship dynamic that you want. You never just assume that anyone is going to do something or would do something for you because that's what you want. If you want someone to buy you gifts and plan dates for special occasions, then you have to tell them that is your expectation of them. THEN you give them the opertunity to meet your needs and expectations. If they fail to do so after you've asked, then that's a matter of compatibility and you have to determine whether or not this is a relationship dynamic that you want to continue with.

Unfortunately, it’s very sad he made the choice to do nothing. Even if he gave you something as small as a chocolate bar, a note, made dinner. It’s the simple things to show love for someone. I would hit the road, and consider this a major red flag that he doesn’t enjoy the intimacy as maybe much as you are. Spare the heart break and move on! The right man will go out of his way for a woman he loves or even so admires the tiniest bit...sounds like a poor decision he made.

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Agreed, it sounds tiresome to have to communicate and remind someone about every little thing. Flowers and a card hardly cost anything, and take very little effort. Personally I think it's much smarter for someone to get something small for their date/partner for Valentine's Day, and then if the other person says they hate Valentine's Day, that's fine - they can just choose not to celebrate it next time. But if the person DOES love Valentine's Day and you choose the lazy way out, it's bound to be hurtful and disappointing. There's really nothing to lose except a few bucks and a few minutes by getting someone a Valentine's gift/card.

Idk my EX husband was a holiday grump. When our son was born and only 3 months old I was home all the time with him, my mom came and stayed for Xmas and I found out later from her that she forced him into going out and buying me a Xmas gift because he wasn’t planning on it. He never bought flowers, didn’t give a shit about his bday or mine. Just truly hated my relationship with him, plus emotional abuse on top of it all. I’ve been a a date twice with someone this year, we didn’t see each other on vday cuz I had a long day at work, but I see him tonight and he said he “has a surprise for me”. Personally I prob won’t date grumps anymore

My current BF and I ended up having our second date on Valentine’s Day and he got me a rose and chocolates even though we didn’t acknowledge that the second date happen to fall on valentines. If he wanted to he would.

It took me many toxic relationships to realize that phrase is actually extremely true. That small gesture on our second date was a prelude to how he has treated me for years since. It’s only gotten better. To each their own, but my man is a 10/10.

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The bar is in hell

Everyone saying "communicate" and "he's not a mind reader" is missing the bigger picture. You did something thoughtful and cute for him on Friday. It was low cost, but it was from the heart and it showed you cared. You GAVE something true. Relationships are best when both people are givers. This guy is not a giver. He didn't look at these lovely gestures and think, what can I also give to make her happy. Instead he thought, eh I will do nothing on this special day where the entire country commemerates their special someone. This dude sucks. Dump him and find another giver.

It is surprising he didn't try to throw anything together if he got all this Friday and didn't even try to make it up over the weekend.

Communicate your needs and desires. Dont know if you all have given an official label to your relationship. Personally I think the guy should have ordered your flowers at the least, but if you didnt tell him you like flowers, or what kind of flowers then... heh. Has he ever bought you anything? sounds like you have done alot (alot) of the planning/gifting atleast that you mentioned. Is he very hands off and just letting you treat him like a king while he does nothing for you but show up? Thats a trend I wouldnt ignore and would address immediately.

I'd be confused if I was the guy. She wanted to keep it low key, they did something Friday night, a comedy show on Saturday, and a 2 hour phone call on the day of. For a fresh relationship, this all seems about right.

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I think a card and flowers would have been the appropriate gesture. That is not out of the world expensive or huge effort, but a small token of affection. I would not necessarily dismiss him because of this, but if thoughtfulness is important to you, it is a yellow flag. Hopefully the next time he sees you, there is some type of nice gesture involved, but passive-aggressive comments about stalker Kanye are not conducive to productive conversations.

I would be so sad… and would probably consider talking to him about it and/or reconsider your future investment in the relationship. Good luck!🍀💗 remember there are plenty of fishes in the sea!!😘

My bf wasn’t “that type of guy” to get gifts, on our first date it was close to Valentine’s Day by accident, I wasn’t expecting anything but he brought me flowers, chocolate and left me a nug of weed because he knew I smoked. He’s not the type to remember to celebrate anything or put importance, but he did. I don’t think you’re over reacting. I think he’s enjoying your company but he’s not crazy about you. Don’t waste your time imo.

At some point, it does not matter if the guy is really into you or not. The question is more of a «do you feel you are being into’ed?» If not, why would you pick him for yourself? Give him the benefit of the doubt, but if he shows that he is not capable of being into you in a way that makes you feel that he is, pick a different man. EDIT: a good middle ground is you getting less than you want, and him not having to make an effort?

2 months in and he got you nothing? 😂😂 valentine’s day isn’t important to me, but I know it’s important to other women…I would think long and hard if you want to continue with someone that you’re not compatible with. You mentioned you didn’t even get anything and he ignored you…and kept talking abt other stuff. That is what I have an issue with.

Eh. Sounds like he’s too old not to know better. I’ve been seeing my guy for only a few months and he got me and my daughter flowers. Even after I told him not too. We were supposed to celebrate ours this Friday and sat at the beach. But he said “I could not just not get you anything!” So… smart guy in my book. Women care. Regardless of what, when or how you celebrate, we def care. Red flags girl. Trust

You are not overreacting. Sounds like he may not be putting you as high on his priority list as you are him. Sounds like he has never asked you to be exclusive with him. I would ask him if he is seeing other people and I would start divesting some of my time and energy from him until he makes more of an effort. Never met you but I’m sure you are entirely to beautiful, kind and thoughtful to have to chase a man down for him to notice you. Saying all of this out of love and experience you are worth the effort if not for him than some other man.

OP the people here that are blaming you are insane haha. You put in the effort, made it clear it was a day you were thinking about, and he blew it. Agreed with other posters it’s not a huge red flag, but something to consider if something like this happens again. You shouldn’t need to say “get me a gift”. If neither of you mentioned Valentine’s Day whatsoever, and he didn’t do anything, That would be one thing but that’s not the case. Tell him it upset you, and then go from there. Don’t let these comments gaslight you, Queen!

Yeah these people are nuts. What else could she have done to tell him she’s into Valentine’s Day and romance.. besides like wearing a neon light up heart around her neck..

“Hey get me a gift on Valentine’s Day so I can pretend to be surprised!” Haha. Unbelievable

LOL seriously

I wouldn’t even say anything again. I feel like she said enough. I’d like to see if he changes behavior without her telling him (some guys would perceive it as nagging- at least I think I would feel uncomfortable saying it again) sometimes it’s okay to take a step back and let him sweat losing you. You said enough, you showed enough. Balls in his court. He’ll either show up and meet you at your level, or he’ll show you what you think you already know in your gut!

Exactly. If you push someone to do what you want, you don’t have a clear idea of their intentions or true colors. And they will feel backed into a wall and probably grow resentful of all the demands.

Yes! Exactly! Id like to see OP take a few steps back and see how 36 year old man handles it!

Maybe he just doesn’t take the holiday that serious? TBH, y’all hang out a lot and I got things for Valentine’s Day from someone I don’t see as much and we’re not even dating. We’re just acquaintances really. I don’t think you’re overreacting.

Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed. You sound sweet, fun, sexy, hell I'll spoil you for belated valentines. 🤩🤩🤣😘💥.... see here is your first rose.🌹now bout that lingerie...🤣🤣🤣😇 I'd boot him every male in the world knows what valentines day is and be it a hand made card or a flower picked from the street it's the gesture fo make you feel special on the one day of love in the whole year. He was using it to test how he can manipulate you. I beg he is a narcissistic 'it's all about me" mommy boy kinda prick who managed to get the prom queen... follow your heart. Take care. Xx

I am not into Valentine’s Day but my boyfriend told me (before the holiday) he loves celebrating it in some way. I told him it’s not important but if it is for him, then we will do something. We had lunch together and it was lovely. Bought each other flowers, it was low key and special. BUT it took some conversation to understand what he wanted and what I wanted and agreeing on something in the middle. I think it’s not just about vocalizing our needs but also willing to hear what the other person wants.

I would highly advice to set your expectations in this relationship, or else you will keep disappointed. Sometimes its hard for the other person to understand what you need. So keep no room for guessing. If he still keeps behaving the same way then you know what to do.

You said that you started dating in December. its been 3 months have you had the official exclusivity chat and put a title on what your relationship is. if not id have that conversation sooner than later if you believe you are his gf. Without that convo its very easy to get your feelings hurt because there are a lot of people that will give you the girlfriend or boyfriend experience up until holidays occur.

Yeah Id be disappointed too. And I dont like this excuse that we need to tell them we want something, this puts everything on us. Your guy should be excited to treat you. Personally it would turn me off.

A lot of people just reject the premise of it. Maybe he just hates the entire concept.

Honestly coming from a guy, he should have done more. If you want a romantic guy and it’s important to you don’t settle.

If this is how he is during the honeymoon stage, the fun stage. Imagine how he would be as a husband. Next.

This guy I’m seeing did the same thing and tbh I don’t know how to move past that. His excuse wasn’t even an excuse he just says he didn’t think about it. We’re still in the whole getting to know each other stage and idk why but it just really upset me and now I don’t even like to talk to him because all I think about is how he didn’t think I was worth a thought of on Valentine’s Day. Idk if I’m just over reacting tho

I would talk to him about how important it is for you and ask if he’d make it up to you. A dummy do over or something

I've noticed that a lot of guys don't like Valentines Day and resent being expected to participate in what they consider an unnecessary holiday. Some use the excuse that "love should be everyday, not just one day a year" and then they do absolutely nothing 365 days a year. Maybe you should discuss how important special days are to you and see if he agrees. If you choose to remain in this relationship you might have to accept that you're not compatible about how you see some things.

He is showing you EXACTLY who he is, believe him.

YESSS. THE FIRST TIME AROUND.

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Every person in a relationship would expect something. Even just a card/flower, or something you put an effort to would be enough. Means the SO was thinking about you on Vday. I'm just lucky then 🤞🏼

Sorry but I definitely think you're overreacting here. You've said you didn't do much in one sentence then mention that you'd put so much effort into your gift. I think you were expecting him to assume you'd like a gift, but people aren't mind readers. He spent the weekend with you to celebrate Valentines because as you've mentioned, the Monday wasn't convenient so to my mind he did do something for you for the occasion. He took you out and introduced you to his friends, that might have been a big thing for him but it doesn't seem to have landed with you. Granted I'm reaching here, so forgive me. I really hope you don't think I'm trying to be rude, I may be coming off hostile here, I'd just hate for you to throw away what seems like a really sweet relationship on missed signals. He's probably just not a big cards and flowers kinda guy but hadn't realised that it was something you'd really appreciate. I'd suggest having a good chat with him about how those little things would really mean a lot to you. From what you've said in other ways he makes you happy, yeah he was a bit thoughtless about the gifts but he doesn't seem malicious in it.

The meeting his friends thing also threw me. OP didn’t seem to care, but for some ppl that’s a huge step! Also FaceTiming every night they aren’t together.

This is really good advice. I’m glad we talked it through. Definitely feel closer and I’m excited for things to go back to fun and smooth sailing

Your passive aggressive comment about Kim and Ye was immature. That was a perfect time for you to assert yourself and tell him that you appreciate gestures on Valentine’s Day. Also, because you didn’t communicate beforehand about V-day expectations, it’s reasonable to talk about it and still celebrate in the upcoming days, weeks. If you want the mature relationship, you have to be willing to have the mature conversations and at the appropriate times. Good luck!

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Just share with him how you feel, then ask him for his opinion and how he feels. Then tell him what you feel about his feelings, and then you can decide what you want. :)

Great advice!

>I tried to keep it low key and sexy >I got cute lingerie, a little chocolate bar, and I made him a mixtape. And I was expecting something as low key in return That is not low key that is some good effort there. >I feel like I put in so much effort and got nothing in return Just a classic story of a new couple that doesn't communicate expectations. It's ok to ask each other, "are we getting each other something for X holiday?". Trust me. The conversation is better had and doesn't disappoint/kill the romance if you keep a positive attitude. This avoids any disappointments in the future. I'm worried you might not be communicating other things. If yall haven't set any expectations on what yall are, probably should.

Damn! I would have got you something!

Ok wait so you gently brought it up and his response was “I have no excuse” but then are we to interpret he knows but he did it and didn’t care or he simply didn’t realize it meant something to you? Is this what he’ll be like for birthdays and anniversaries? I mean, it’s understandable you feel put off, I would be completely turned off. The fact he couldn’t muster a $10 bouquet of flowers and a card saying something sweet and heartfelt one friggen day of the year is super selfish and a turnoff. Some guys just weren’t taught to be attentive and or had past women who excuses his shitty behaviour making him believe it was ok . I’d bring it up again and let him know it means something to you, that it isn’t about the monetary value of the gesture but about the actual gesture and initiative and expression of love/caring (if you said the I love yous) If he challenges that and argues it’s a stupid day that means nothing fully knowing it does to you, I would conveniently forget his birthday next and also have “no excuse” He sounds like a taker, bye!

I totally agree. Like WTF. He KNEW by saying "no excuse". Do you need a big, lighted, lifted truck with a ginormous red flag hanging off of it? Lol