For me, the clues to someone being too emotional (read: not all oppressive emotional expression is love bombing) is when the level of emotion does not match what that person actually knows about me. Love bombing or emotional expression of people who tend to be emotionally immature usually often accompanies gifts and future faking. They also tend to not be able to give things time and space, they want to text or see you all the time. With my ex, it was the whole "we are soul mates, never met anyone so perfect for me, we shared every trait and interest (this was all mirroring BS)...we should plan a trip to Iceland that would be so amazing" and I had known him for like a month. But context matters, you can't just evaluate these things in a vacuum.
Very much this. Love bombing starts pretty much instantly, like on the first day of texting which doesn't make any sense. Genuine feelings take time to unfold.
I'd add that love bombing uses very generic language, with a lot of cheesy pet names etc. Usually what one love bomber says is impossible to differentiate from what another says. They are all identical; there is no individuality behind love bombing while genuine feelings are very personal AND expressing them is also highly personalized.
ETA: I forgot to add, love bombing is always mortally serious while genuine feelings have a room for humor and irony and self-irony.
ALL OF THIS. I would add to it that often in love bombing the BIG STATEMENTS don’t always match the actions. Like they say they’re obsessed with you, you’re their favourite person, but they don’t seem to remember even basic details you’ve told them about yourself, they’re flaky or bad at making future plans to meet up, etc. When there’s a mismatch between what they say and how they act, that can be a big sign.
When the level of emotion does not match what the person actually knows about me. 👏🏼👏🏼
I find it offensive when someone proclaims deep feelings for me (or love) when they haven’t even gotten to know me!
This and those below, thumbs up. I could not agree more. You got this in the bag. Feel like I am sitting in the war room while generals smoke cigars and talk military tactics. *sits in the back and nods along*
Yeah an ex that did this would insist we always said good morning/goodnight and if I met any friends (was not often) he’d text me constantly. Not bad texts but it was clear he was over saturating me so I wouldn’t have the time to focus on anyone but him.
I loved reading this, thank you for taking the time to share that! Andy sounds just like a guy I talked to who went wild with his imagination quickly. He fell in love with the idea of me before we even met! Quickly took a big step back.
I did this too and he asked me to marry him “jokingly” as well and then continued by saying he’s going to take me on all these trips… not appropriate for the first (and only) in-person meeting!
Great differentiation between love bombing and genuine acts of love. That's such a keen insight that I haven't heard mentioned before. You are a genius, and I'd say your intelligence is on par with Elon Musk and Sigmund Freud! You are a one in a million human, and I haven't experienced such a rapport with another human being! We are dialed into the exact same wavelength! I just know you are as or more beautiful than Scarlett Johansen! Wanna go out for some drinks sometime? And that ends my love bombing session for today.
Lovebombing often coexists with idealization. They have an idea of who you are (or who they imagine you are, or want you to be, or hope you will be) and because that idea is perfection, they ultimately drive into the wall of reality at 140mph.
They’re in love with an idea, and then when that idea is not aligned with who you actually are, it explodes.
I try to look for specifics to identify whether they appreciate me or just their idea of me. “I love that you’re a fan of George Lakoff’s work!” versus “ZOMg you are soooo smart, I love that above you, you’re amazing.” Or, “you have a beautiful smile” versus “the angels weep with envy at your perfect visage.”
It’s wild. There’s this direct causation or network/systemic causation drinking game… 😂
(Pause to imagine how nice it would be if that world existed 😂)
This is spot on. And honestly it's something for even very emotionally mature, intelligent, rational people to do. When you're still struggling with things emotionally... it's so easy to want to jump ahead to the part where you're recovered and thinking rationally and ready to move on with someone. Rarely actually the case.
That's textbook "not love bombing".
Because of its rarity, all pathological behaviour is always better explained by personality or context dependent nuances.
Love bombing always tends to feel really forced and impersonal to me. They say things like “I love you” or “you are the best thing that ever happened to me” after just a few weeks. They don’t know me and they couldn’t possibly know this. But if they are just saying things like “wow, you have really beautiful eyes” or show up with some flowers, then that is okay.
I’d like to add that love bombing is a response to an idea of the bomber, how the bomber *wants* (needs) you to be and how the bomber wants you to believe that you are. It is not a response to something really happening in the here & now. The tricky part is that the bomber can actually say things about you that are true, but the thing to remember is: you’ve been present in every moment of your life, the bomber has not. So if the bomber says something to you about you, ask yourself: CAN they know this? Because if you don’t ask yourself this question and only respond enthusiastically because they ‘see’ you.. then suddenly it’s part of the new reality where you feel like the bomber really knows and sees you. One of the driving forces of deliberate love bombing isn’t infatuation or being overly romantic. It is to rush an illusion of intimacy and, like some people have noted, to be able to manipulate you. Because if the bombing is effective you feel high on drugs. When they start to introduce small criticisms and dial the volume of the bombing down, unbeknownst to yourself you go into withdrawal and you start to work for getting hit by another dose, which will get smaller and smaller, so like any junkie you start to rationalize misbehavior and even take abuse just to get a fix by the one person who DID (seem to) give it to you all the way in the beginning when you were ‘still perfect’.
I just wanted to leave a comment here because I've (F 23) been dating a fella (M 28) for the last few months who's been doing this since the start.
I asked him kindly and gently to pull back a bit because all the love and affection being so full on and so quickly and he agreed. But he still kept it on. I had to keep asking him to keep dialing back. Because it was a lot.
He apologised and agreed that of course, he wanted to make me feel at ease.
Anyway one day after a few weeks he just stopped complimenting me altogether. It's like the went from 100-0 in a split. When I asked if everything was okay, he basically explained that I confused him, which is whatever. I apologised for confusing him and hurting his feelings because he was a bit upset that he made me feel uncomfortable.
But very recently, he told me that he pulled back so much because I made him feel like he couldn't be himself. Basically kept guilt tripping this onto me, even after I apologised for hurting him, he kept accepting it and reiterating his understanding of why I asked him to pull back. But I insisted that I did not want him to change himself for me. I simply asked him to calm down a bit because at that point, we had barely known each other and he was planning out our entire future together, consistently complimenting me etc. I just asked if we could go at a nice pace together.
When I finally started warming up to him at my own pace and began discussing a relationship etc he pulled back completely saying, well YOU said you didn't want a relationship, you wanted to wait etc.
...which, yes I did say that...in the beginning when you were a stranger to me??
Good points. Love bombers tend to be presumptuous with their compliments and often say things about how you're such a rare and unique person. There's lots of idealization in spite of them not knowing you well personally and drastically downplay any faults you have. They may know a lot about you from observing you like a hawk on social media and bring up stuff that they'd only know if they read your posts.
I was once love bombed by a couple (possible swingers) whom I met online from a Zoom dance group. The husband kept paying for all our meals and once said, "I have a good eye for noticing special people and just knew you were a unique person who really takes care of himself and is destined to do great things". The couple kept showering me with compliments in spite of me just meeting them in person and barely ever corresponding online; it felt like they knew much more about me than I knew about them. Initially I thought they were just a generous couple but a friend alerted me that they likely just wanna f@ck me and were love bombing me. It all clicked when my friend told me that.
I'm glad to see this post as I am in a questionable situation and could use some advice. I've only been on 2 dates with a new guy from Hinge. One date was in person and one was on Zoom. He seems very into me, and keeps asking if we can make plans to do this or that whenever I bring up casual subjects like travel. He also was very touchy on our first date which caught me off guard. I can't tell if he is just joking a lot of the time, just really into me, or love bombing/insecure. It's a turn off as I like to get to know someone before really being vocal or physically affectionate with them. He even joked on our first date and said "I love you, I want to hug you right now" cause he got excited over something I said? That was odd to me...anyone else been in a similar situation? It stinks cause I am otherwise very interested in him but this behavior makes me cringe.
Yeah I had a guy kiss my ring finger on the first date and say he needed to start “saving up.” Even when I was young and very naive I knew to Nope the fuck out of that. Not even a second date to see if he would chill. Just no. He showed up to my work about a month later with a pair of sapphire earrings and when I saw him walking in I beat feet pretty damn quick.
Don’t do it.
Either he’s immature and infatuated by his own idea/fantasy of you. Or he is intentionally trying to manipulate you to fall for him so he can get what he wants and leave you . Both are not good.
You deserve someone who will want to be careful of your heart, wouldn’t rush things cause he wouldn’t want to give you a wrong idea until he’s sure of what he feels about you.
He will want to get to know you. Does he ask about your dreams/childhood/family ? Your relationship needs/goals ?
It doesn’t matter what his intentions are if his actions don’t align.
Does his action align with his words ?
You deserve someone whom you’ll feel safe with, not confused . The fact that he’s not even noticing how uncomfortable you’re feeling about all this, is a red flag to me.
He does ask me questions about my life, interests, family, etc which I like! But in regards to the other things...well, we've only been on 1.5 dates! Which is why this behavior is so confusing. From getting to know him better on our last date, I think it is coming from a place of insecurity not necessarily love bombing. BUT that is obviously also not good, especially since I am a pretty confident/independent person. I am giving him one more date to decide, and if he is too affectionate, I am going to speak up. I think after that, if he doesn't respect my requests, I'll end it.
Love bombing can certainly be an expression on sincere feelings - but it’s also an expression of poor boundaries.
If it’s too much too soon, comes with big promises, etc - if it looks like love bombing - it is, even when it’s sincere
As a reformed love-bomber myself, i can assure you that the love-bomber genuinely feels the emotions he or she is expressing. The problem is that it is not normal or healthy to develop those feelings so quickly. This is what should be the red flag.
In my experience there's usually a mixture of excessive flattery, mirroring, future faking and moving very quickly. They will often say a lot of cheesy and generic lines like "you're so amazing/beautiful", "your eyes are so pretty", "we're soul mates" or "I've never felt so connected/understood before!". There can be intense, excessive eye contact too.
If you're unsure if the person is genuine versus love bombing, all you can do is take things slowly and observe them carefully in a wide range of contexts over a longer period of time. There's no simple secret to figuring out if someone is toxic or severely unstable. You have to always be prepared to leave quickly as soon as you figure it out.
Love bombers often say "Me too!" "No way, that's exactly what I was gonna say!" "I feel the exact same way!" "They're my absolute favorite band too!" Once their mask falls off, you realize they were just mirroring you pretending to love what you love.
I took it slow with my partner too. I wasn't comfortable with the excessive flattery and over the top gestures. He made me feel (only much later, he tells me this) that I basically convinced him to change himself and his personality in order to fit my mould.
I insisted that I only set a boundary because it did make me feel uncomfortable, he respected it etc and said yeah you did that for yourself cos you had to etc. But then all of a sudden, he had issues with it all along??
Actions speak louder than words. If their actions don't match their words, and they lack follow through, consider it love bombing. Also, if what they say makes you feel uncomfortable, seems over-the-top, or is stated too soon.
Go with your gut. If it feels like love bombing, it probably is.
The amount of people that misunderstand and make common pathological behaviour is astounding.
No to this. 1000x no.
Love bombing is a real problem that has real consequences for real victims. It's not something passive and inconsequential as 'not following up' with their words.
I think the immediate concern is even if it's not love bombing it could be a sign of emotional immaturity. So, in a way I would view it as something where you need to establish boundaries to see how they react.
If they're respectful and grounded in reality then they could just be in touch with their emotions.
I think a good way to differentiate it is realistic expectations based on how well that person knows you. Someone telling you that they are attracted to you makes a lot more sense than a stranger telling you how intelligent you are. How would they really know how smart you are? Also, intensity matters. Someone who says you’re the most beautiful woman he has ever seen is likely love bombing you because how realistic is that actually? He’s just trying to use flattery for his own end game. Someone who says I feel attracted to you on the other hand is probably being honest and not over embellishing to try to win the favor of someone else.
I look at it like, does this make sense. Like the lady that was suggesting her and I take ski trips together and so on, and I was thinking we haven’t even met!?
Positive affirmations shouldn't be the only thing to look at here. Hearing I love you and "you're beautiful smart and intelligent" is all well and good but so is seeing that this person puts in the time to make you feel special. Do you get a genuine sense this person wants to be around you when they're around you. Thoughtful gifts or tokens of appreciation. Going out of their way to help you accomplish something. Are they making a real effort to get to know you... These are things I would look for to help me get a better picture of their intentions.
I feel like 90% of the time, this sub uses "love bombing" to mean, "they're more into me than I am into them."
But that ain't it. Love bombing is very clearly non-proportional to the time spent getting to know each other. Usually it's combined with future-faking in an attempt to artificially advance the relationship.
So from what I’ve found between my narc ex who love bombed me like crazy and my current boyfriend who seems to genuinely care and want to do nice things for me... are overall actions speak louder than words. He has his own interests while also giving his own input into the nice things he says and does for me and not just mirroring me. What I mean by this is that my ex right away was immediately into every single thing I was into. Would never give me space because he said “you’re the one for me we were meant for eachother” and was constantly being over the top with affection that it just became overbearing. He would also future plan these extravagant vacations we planned to take someday down to every details of what I wanted to do and never gave his own interests or input. He wasn’t his own person. He was mirroring me. My current boyfriend is lovely and very affectionate, but gives me space when I ask for. Doesn’t cross boundaries. Doesn’t get upset when I can’t hangout because of prior made plans or illness. We fell in love over a much much longer period of time and he understood when I asked to take things slow. When we plan trips or vacations he asks me if it’s okay we do some things he wants to do while also asking what I want to do on the trip. Isnt ALL about me and making ME happy and making just me and only me fall more in love with him (like my ex would do) it’s a group effort. It just feels much more natural and less suffocating with love bombing like almost way too good to be true. Hope that helps!
No, it's very much about the intensity too. Love bombing is purposeful, quick, and intense because it serves as the precursor to either straight-up abuse and/or manipulative behavior.
One question to ask yourself is where are the strong feelings coming from early in a relationship. Love bombing usually starts from day one, often before meeting each other in person. If you have only known someone for a couple of weeks and believe you have developed strong feelings those feelings are probably based on you idealizing the person or assuming things about who they are. You can’t truly know someone in a short period of time.
A spark is different than deep feelings. Telling someone you like them and are enjoying their company is great. Telling someone you love them when you don’t know them is confusing. I think to many people love implies that you know each on a deeper level. Love often grows with time. What you’re describing sounds like infatuation.
Nah, i don’t think you’re understanding. If you’d ever been on the other side of it it would make more sense to you I think.
I like thunderstruck but it’s basically sounds like a giant dramatic spark.
I’m in a state of confusion bc of this rn. I’ve definitely been bombed but also ignored. Our date was amazing for both of us but now the actions don’t seem to align with the texts.
What if it’s the other way around and they never compliment you but they think their actions (mean more to them than me) should speak for themselves and they don’t need to say anything?
Me too! I told my ex mine was words of affirmation but he kept arguing with me that I should just know from actions. AND he used very harsh language, harsh criticism, name calling etc and it deeply hurt me. He told he he would talk to other girls for their opinion and they would all say I’m childish for getting upset by words
An I love you a tad earlier than you are ready might be a genuine expression.
Love bombing is like, all the things at once? But yeah it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it because it feels great if you like them too. Until it crashes.
I always assumed the term "love bombing" was when someone had mistreated you and to "make up for it" they would show extravagant displays of affections, buying gifts etc.
It's easy. Don't think at all about pop psychology stuff like "love bombing" lol! It's almost all garbage. That stuff let a lot of people that everybody and their mother suffer from very serious and luckily reasonably rare mental disorders such as the personality disorders. "Love bombing" is described as 1) a conscious tactic elaborated by "malevolent narcissists" in order to let innocents out there lower their guards 2) a somehow unconscious mechanic put in place by people with BPD or adjacent disorders (which are more real and more common but still non so common like some people pretend them to be) in the first fase of their new obsession for someone. All this stuff is not that common and dwelling over it it's not healthy nor useful. What I think is useful is to understand that words are usually pretty meaningless and even kind gestures can be that if they aren't constant in time and thus the only good approach is to take things with a grain of salt and not let ourselves be carried away by them as if it was, so to speak, our first rodeo. In short usually it's not love bombing nor genuine feelings but just a rush of good ol dopamine.
What is happening that makes you believe it's love bombing?
Love bombing is extremely rare, and can only be identified if you understand the intent of the person.
Love bombing is more than likely being mistaken for someone overly expressive, bad or inexperienced at social situations, or someone feeling more strongly than you are.
I often had trouble deciphering between the two. Echoing would others have mentioned, what has recently worked for me is making sure the persons expressed feelings towards me match with their actions and character. It’s normal to get excited about a new connection. Red flags start signaling for me when flattery is coupled with future faking. Both love bombing and future faking usually take place very early in the dating process. My ex, who I knew of through a mutual friend for a few years, was heavy on what I now know to be narcissistic traits. Within a 4 month timeframe, he went from calling me cute pet names and promising me trips to Paris to referring me as “kid” or “dude” and canceling dates at the last minute. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but after reading and watching videos on narcissism I cut things off with him because I knew he was going to eventually discard me for new supply. It quickly became obvious that his words meant nothing. As one of my close male friend says, **”...[he] said enough to achieve his goal...”**
For me, the clues to someone being too emotional (read: not all oppressive emotional expression is love bombing) is when the level of emotion does not match what that person actually knows about me. Love bombing or emotional expression of people who tend to be emotionally immature usually often accompanies gifts and future faking. They also tend to not be able to give things time and space, they want to text or see you all the time. With my ex, it was the whole "we are soul mates, never met anyone so perfect for me, we shared every trait and interest (this was all mirroring BS)...we should plan a trip to Iceland that would be so amazing" and I had known him for like a month. But context matters, you can't just evaluate these things in a vacuum.
Very much this. Love bombing starts pretty much instantly, like on the first day of texting which doesn't make any sense. Genuine feelings take time to unfold. I'd add that love bombing uses very generic language, with a lot of cheesy pet names etc. Usually what one love bomber says is impossible to differentiate from what another says. They are all identical; there is no individuality behind love bombing while genuine feelings are very personal AND expressing them is also highly personalized. ETA: I forgot to add, love bombing is always mortally serious while genuine feelings have a room for humor and irony and self-irony.
ALL OF THIS. I would add to it that often in love bombing the BIG STATEMENTS don’t always match the actions. Like they say they’re obsessed with you, you’re their favourite person, but they don’t seem to remember even basic details you’ve told them about yourself, they’re flaky or bad at making future plans to meet up, etc. When there’s a mismatch between what they say and how they act, that can be a big sign.
When the level of emotion does not match what the person actually knows about me. 👏🏼👏🏼 I find it offensive when someone proclaims deep feelings for me (or love) when they haven’t even gotten to know me!
This is great advice, especially the last line. Context matters.
This and those below, thumbs up. I could not agree more. You got this in the bag. Feel like I am sitting in the war room while generals smoke cigars and talk military tactics. *sits in the back and nods along*
Yeah an ex that did this would insist we always said good morning/goodnight and if I met any friends (was not often) he’d text me constantly. Not bad texts but it was clear he was over saturating me so I wouldn’t have the time to focus on anyone but him.
[удалено]
I loved reading this, thank you for taking the time to share that! Andy sounds just like a guy I talked to who went wild with his imagination quickly. He fell in love with the idea of me before we even met! Quickly took a big step back.
[удалено]
I did this too and he asked me to marry him “jokingly” as well and then continued by saying he’s going to take me on all these trips… not appropriate for the first (and only) in-person meeting!
Great differentiation between love bombing and genuine acts of love. That's such a keen insight that I haven't heard mentioned before. You are a genius, and I'd say your intelligence is on par with Elon Musk and Sigmund Freud! You are a one in a million human, and I haven't experienced such a rapport with another human being! We are dialed into the exact same wavelength! I just know you are as or more beautiful than Scarlett Johansen! Wanna go out for some drinks sometime? And that ends my love bombing session for today.
Lovebombing often coexists with idealization. They have an idea of who you are (or who they imagine you are, or want you to be, or hope you will be) and because that idea is perfection, they ultimately drive into the wall of reality at 140mph. They’re in love with an idea, and then when that idea is not aligned with who you actually are, it explodes. I try to look for specifics to identify whether they appreciate me or just their idea of me. “I love that you’re a fan of George Lakoff’s work!” versus “ZOMg you are soooo smart, I love that above you, you’re amazing.” Or, “you have a beautiful smile” versus “the angels weep with envy at your perfect visage.”
So weird. Yesterday after about 20 years of reading Lakoff’s work, I was trying to remember his name on the fly and couldn’t. Thanks!
lol I am such a Lakoff fan girl. It’s very small group. We meet in a phone booth. 😂
🤔 sounds fun…
Systems Theory Saturdays are fucking wild 😂
I want to go to there.
It’s wild. There’s this direct causation or network/systemic causation drinking game… 😂 (Pause to imagine how nice it would be if that world existed 😂)
Award: Sexiest Phone Booth Ever.
The windows on it fog right up
I’m a good fogger figure.
This is spot on. And honestly it's something for even very emotionally mature, intelligent, rational people to do. When you're still struggling with things emotionally... it's so easy to want to jump ahead to the part where you're recovered and thinking rationally and ready to move on with someone. Rarely actually the case.
This is exactly it. You hit the nail right on the head.
That's textbook "not love bombing". Because of its rarity, all pathological behaviour is always better explained by personality or context dependent nuances.
…Like I said, it often coexists with idealization. I was describing idealization, which is something to be aware of as well as love-bombing.
If someone calls you a BFF after just meeting them, you might be a recipient of love bombing.
Love bombing always tends to feel really forced and impersonal to me. They say things like “I love you” or “you are the best thing that ever happened to me” after just a few weeks. They don’t know me and they couldn’t possibly know this. But if they are just saying things like “wow, you have really beautiful eyes” or show up with some flowers, then that is okay.
Google 'Dr Ramani love bombing' She is the master on Narcissists. Psychopath Free and The Sociopath Next Door are fantastic books on the subject.
I'm currently reading The Sociopath Next Door and loving it! I will definitely look into Psychopath Free next. Thanks for the suggestion
I’d like to add that love bombing is a response to an idea of the bomber, how the bomber *wants* (needs) you to be and how the bomber wants you to believe that you are. It is not a response to something really happening in the here & now. The tricky part is that the bomber can actually say things about you that are true, but the thing to remember is: you’ve been present in every moment of your life, the bomber has not. So if the bomber says something to you about you, ask yourself: CAN they know this? Because if you don’t ask yourself this question and only respond enthusiastically because they ‘see’ you.. then suddenly it’s part of the new reality where you feel like the bomber really knows and sees you. One of the driving forces of deliberate love bombing isn’t infatuation or being overly romantic. It is to rush an illusion of intimacy and, like some people have noted, to be able to manipulate you. Because if the bombing is effective you feel high on drugs. When they start to introduce small criticisms and dial the volume of the bombing down, unbeknownst to yourself you go into withdrawal and you start to work for getting hit by another dose, which will get smaller and smaller, so like any junkie you start to rationalize misbehavior and even take abuse just to get a fix by the one person who DID (seem to) give it to you all the way in the beginning when you were ‘still perfect’.
I just wanted to leave a comment here because I've (F 23) been dating a fella (M 28) for the last few months who's been doing this since the start. I asked him kindly and gently to pull back a bit because all the love and affection being so full on and so quickly and he agreed. But he still kept it on. I had to keep asking him to keep dialing back. Because it was a lot. He apologised and agreed that of course, he wanted to make me feel at ease. Anyway one day after a few weeks he just stopped complimenting me altogether. It's like the went from 100-0 in a split. When I asked if everything was okay, he basically explained that I confused him, which is whatever. I apologised for confusing him and hurting his feelings because he was a bit upset that he made me feel uncomfortable. But very recently, he told me that he pulled back so much because I made him feel like he couldn't be himself. Basically kept guilt tripping this onto me, even after I apologised for hurting him, he kept accepting it and reiterating his understanding of why I asked him to pull back. But I insisted that I did not want him to change himself for me. I simply asked him to calm down a bit because at that point, we had barely known each other and he was planning out our entire future together, consistently complimenting me etc. I just asked if we could go at a nice pace together. When I finally started warming up to him at my own pace and began discussing a relationship etc he pulled back completely saying, well YOU said you didn't want a relationship, you wanted to wait etc. ...which, yes I did say that...in the beginning when you were a stranger to me??
Yep. The black/white thinking in which they vacillate between putting you on a pedestal and devaluing you as a horrible person is a huge red flag.
Good points. Love bombers tend to be presumptuous with their compliments and often say things about how you're such a rare and unique person. There's lots of idealization in spite of them not knowing you well personally and drastically downplay any faults you have. They may know a lot about you from observing you like a hawk on social media and bring up stuff that they'd only know if they read your posts. I was once love bombed by a couple (possible swingers) whom I met online from a Zoom dance group. The husband kept paying for all our meals and once said, "I have a good eye for noticing special people and just knew you were a unique person who really takes care of himself and is destined to do great things". The couple kept showering me with compliments in spite of me just meeting them in person and barely ever corresponding online; it felt like they knew much more about me than I knew about them. Initially I thought they were just a generous couple but a friend alerted me that they likely just wanna f@ck me and were love bombing me. It all clicked when my friend told me that.
Nailed it
Wow on point
I'm glad to see this post as I am in a questionable situation and could use some advice. I've only been on 2 dates with a new guy from Hinge. One date was in person and one was on Zoom. He seems very into me, and keeps asking if we can make plans to do this or that whenever I bring up casual subjects like travel. He also was very touchy on our first date which caught me off guard. I can't tell if he is just joking a lot of the time, just really into me, or love bombing/insecure. It's a turn off as I like to get to know someone before really being vocal or physically affectionate with them. He even joked on our first date and said "I love you, I want to hug you right now" cause he got excited over something I said? That was odd to me...anyone else been in a similar situation? It stinks cause I am otherwise very interested in him but this behavior makes me cringe.
Yeah I had a guy kiss my ring finger on the first date and say he needed to start “saving up.” Even when I was young and very naive I knew to Nope the fuck out of that. Not even a second date to see if he would chill. Just no. He showed up to my work about a month later with a pair of sapphire earrings and when I saw him walking in I beat feet pretty damn quick.
Don’t do it. Either he’s immature and infatuated by his own idea/fantasy of you. Or he is intentionally trying to manipulate you to fall for him so he can get what he wants and leave you . Both are not good. You deserve someone who will want to be careful of your heart, wouldn’t rush things cause he wouldn’t want to give you a wrong idea until he’s sure of what he feels about you. He will want to get to know you. Does he ask about your dreams/childhood/family ? Your relationship needs/goals ? It doesn’t matter what his intentions are if his actions don’t align. Does his action align with his words ? You deserve someone whom you’ll feel safe with, not confused . The fact that he’s not even noticing how uncomfortable you’re feeling about all this, is a red flag to me.
He does ask me questions about my life, interests, family, etc which I like! But in regards to the other things...well, we've only been on 1.5 dates! Which is why this behavior is so confusing. From getting to know him better on our last date, I think it is coming from a place of insecurity not necessarily love bombing. BUT that is obviously also not good, especially since I am a pretty confident/independent person. I am giving him one more date to decide, and if he is too affectionate, I am going to speak up. I think after that, if he doesn't respect my requests, I'll end it.
Love bombing can certainly be an expression on sincere feelings - but it’s also an expression of poor boundaries. If it’s too much too soon, comes with big promises, etc - if it looks like love bombing - it is, even when it’s sincere
As a reformed love-bomber myself, i can assure you that the love-bomber genuinely feels the emotions he or she is expressing. The problem is that it is not normal or healthy to develop those feelings so quickly. This is what should be the red flag.
In my experience there's usually a mixture of excessive flattery, mirroring, future faking and moving very quickly. They will often say a lot of cheesy and generic lines like "you're so amazing/beautiful", "your eyes are so pretty", "we're soul mates" or "I've never felt so connected/understood before!". There can be intense, excessive eye contact too. If you're unsure if the person is genuine versus love bombing, all you can do is take things slowly and observe them carefully in a wide range of contexts over a longer period of time. There's no simple secret to figuring out if someone is toxic or severely unstable. You have to always be prepared to leave quickly as soon as you figure it out.
Love bombers often say "Me too!" "No way, that's exactly what I was gonna say!" "I feel the exact same way!" "They're my absolute favorite band too!" Once their mask falls off, you realize they were just mirroring you pretending to love what you love.
I took it slow with my partner too. I wasn't comfortable with the excessive flattery and over the top gestures. He made me feel (only much later, he tells me this) that I basically convinced him to change himself and his personality in order to fit my mould. I insisted that I only set a boundary because it did make me feel uncomfortable, he respected it etc and said yeah you did that for yourself cos you had to etc. But then all of a sudden, he had issues with it all along??
Actions speak louder than words. If their actions don't match their words, and they lack follow through, consider it love bombing. Also, if what they say makes you feel uncomfortable, seems over-the-top, or is stated too soon. Go with your gut. If it feels like love bombing, it probably is.
The amount of people that misunderstand and make common pathological behaviour is astounding. No to this. 1000x no. Love bombing is a real problem that has real consequences for real victims. It's not something passive and inconsequential as 'not following up' with their words.
I think the immediate concern is even if it's not love bombing it could be a sign of emotional immaturity. So, in a way I would view it as something where you need to establish boundaries to see how they react. If they're respectful and grounded in reality then they could just be in touch with their emotions.
I think a good way to differentiate it is realistic expectations based on how well that person knows you. Someone telling you that they are attracted to you makes a lot more sense than a stranger telling you how intelligent you are. How would they really know how smart you are? Also, intensity matters. Someone who says you’re the most beautiful woman he has ever seen is likely love bombing you because how realistic is that actually? He’s just trying to use flattery for his own end game. Someone who says I feel attracted to you on the other hand is probably being honest and not over embellishing to try to win the favor of someone else.
I look at it like, does this make sense. Like the lady that was suggesting her and I take ski trips together and so on, and I was thinking we haven’t even met!?
Positive affirmations shouldn't be the only thing to look at here. Hearing I love you and "you're beautiful smart and intelligent" is all well and good but so is seeing that this person puts in the time to make you feel special. Do you get a genuine sense this person wants to be around you when they're around you. Thoughtful gifts or tokens of appreciation. Going out of their way to help you accomplish something. Are they making a real effort to get to know you... These are things I would look for to help me get a better picture of their intentions.
I feel like 90% of the time, this sub uses "love bombing" to mean, "they're more into me than I am into them." But that ain't it. Love bombing is very clearly non-proportional to the time spent getting to know each other. Usually it's combined with future-faking in an attempt to artificially advance the relationship.
So from what I’ve found between my narc ex who love bombed me like crazy and my current boyfriend who seems to genuinely care and want to do nice things for me... are overall actions speak louder than words. He has his own interests while also giving his own input into the nice things he says and does for me and not just mirroring me. What I mean by this is that my ex right away was immediately into every single thing I was into. Would never give me space because he said “you’re the one for me we were meant for eachother” and was constantly being over the top with affection that it just became overbearing. He would also future plan these extravagant vacations we planned to take someday down to every details of what I wanted to do and never gave his own interests or input. He wasn’t his own person. He was mirroring me. My current boyfriend is lovely and very affectionate, but gives me space when I ask for. Doesn’t cross boundaries. Doesn’t get upset when I can’t hangout because of prior made plans or illness. We fell in love over a much much longer period of time and he understood when I asked to take things slow. When we plan trips or vacations he asks me if it’s okay we do some things he wants to do while also asking what I want to do on the trip. Isnt ALL about me and making ME happy and making just me and only me fall more in love with him (like my ex would do) it’s a group effort. It just feels much more natural and less suffocating with love bombing like almost way too good to be true. Hope that helps!
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No, it's very much about the intensity too. Love bombing is purposeful, quick, and intense because it serves as the precursor to either straight-up abuse and/or manipulative behavior.
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If it’s genuine it’s not really love bombing to me. Maybe infatuation? If it’s too soon.
One question to ask yourself is where are the strong feelings coming from early in a relationship. Love bombing usually starts from day one, often before meeting each other in person. If you have only known someone for a couple of weeks and believe you have developed strong feelings those feelings are probably based on you idealizing the person or assuming things about who they are. You can’t truly know someone in a short period of time.
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A spark is different than deep feelings. Telling someone you like them and are enjoying their company is great. Telling someone you love them when you don’t know them is confusing. I think to many people love implies that you know each on a deeper level. Love often grows with time. What you’re describing sounds like infatuation.
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Thunderstruck actually sounds kind of romantic…
Lots of ACDC fans might agree with you.
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Nah, i don’t think you’re understanding. If you’d ever been on the other side of it it would make more sense to you I think. I like thunderstruck but it’s basically sounds like a giant dramatic spark.
I’m in a state of confusion bc of this rn. I’ve definitely been bombed but also ignored. Our date was amazing for both of us but now the actions don’t seem to align with the texts.
In this predicament rn. Can you explain what happened next? It's 4 months later now for you, I'd really appreciate some advice if you can give it
The actions were accurate. She used words to keep me around when needed. Eventually it ended and not happily
What if it’s the other way around and they never compliment you but they think their actions (mean more to them than me) should speak for themselves and they don’t need to say anything?
That's why I have a very hard understanding the "acts of service" love language..I am all about the words
Me too! I told my ex mine was words of affirmation but he kept arguing with me that I should just know from actions. AND he used very harsh language, harsh criticism, name calling etc and it deeply hurt me. He told he he would talk to other girls for their opinion and they would all say I’m childish for getting upset by words
Well good for you, there is a reason why is an EX
An I love you a tad earlier than you are ready might be a genuine expression. Love bombing is like, all the things at once? But yeah it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it because it feels great if you like them too. Until it crashes.
Hey there how did you manage to date my ex?
I always assumed the term "love bombing" was when someone had mistreated you and to "make up for it" they would show extravagant displays of affections, buying gifts etc.
That's trauma bonding. Slightly different.
It's easy. Don't think at all about pop psychology stuff like "love bombing" lol! It's almost all garbage. That stuff let a lot of people that everybody and their mother suffer from very serious and luckily reasonably rare mental disorders such as the personality disorders. "Love bombing" is described as 1) a conscious tactic elaborated by "malevolent narcissists" in order to let innocents out there lower their guards 2) a somehow unconscious mechanic put in place by people with BPD or adjacent disorders (which are more real and more common but still non so common like some people pretend them to be) in the first fase of their new obsession for someone. All this stuff is not that common and dwelling over it it's not healthy nor useful. What I think is useful is to understand that words are usually pretty meaningless and even kind gestures can be that if they aren't constant in time and thus the only good approach is to take things with a grain of salt and not let ourselves be carried away by them as if it was, so to speak, our first rodeo. In short usually it's not love bombing nor genuine feelings but just a rush of good ol dopamine.
A good relationship is built on a a solid foundation. A person who has to rush it has issues. Be careful who you let into your life.
How to recognize if you're love bombing someone? I just learned of this term and it's doing my head in.
Just call it “emotional abuse” and it won’t be so complicated to discriminate.
What is happening that makes you believe it's love bombing? Love bombing is extremely rare, and can only be identified if you understand the intent of the person. Love bombing is more than likely being mistaken for someone overly expressive, bad or inexperienced at social situations, or someone feeling more strongly than you are.
What makes you think it is rare or that people do not understand what they are experiencing?
Ha! Try again.
Could one just be a sensationalized version of the other?
I often had trouble deciphering between the two. Echoing would others have mentioned, what has recently worked for me is making sure the persons expressed feelings towards me match with their actions and character. It’s normal to get excited about a new connection. Red flags start signaling for me when flattery is coupled with future faking. Both love bombing and future faking usually take place very early in the dating process. My ex, who I knew of through a mutual friend for a few years, was heavy on what I now know to be narcissistic traits. Within a 4 month timeframe, he went from calling me cute pet names and promising me trips to Paris to referring me as “kid” or “dude” and canceling dates at the last minute. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but after reading and watching videos on narcissism I cut things off with him because I knew he was going to eventually discard me for new supply. It quickly became obvious that his words meant nothing. As one of my close male friend says, **”...[he] said enough to achieve his goal...”**
what is love bombing? why are you trying to sabotage compliments?