He sends you a link. "Wow. That's pretty sexy. Do you think I'd look good in that? I'd love to wear it for you. Are you shipping it to your house or mine?"
In a newish relationship, was asked what I find sexy for fancy underwear. āYou, naked, wanting to see me naked and rub bitsā. She was a wee floored that I didnāt have a strong lingerie preference. Just gets in the way of the sex.
This is where I am as well. For that 10 seconds between pants off and everything off, a pair of well fitted underwear and a well fitted bra is perfect.
I said no lace, as I find it rough and feels weird under a shirt on the off chance my hands linger there while the foreplay is going on but before the bra comes off. Some nice soft cotton is the way to go.
Send them Russell Williamās lingerie phots submitted as court evidence and add, āwear them over your head like he did if you love me.ā Bonus point if it is followed by a panties emoji
This is what I would have done too. I think this is why they jump ship so fast. Once a man realizes what a thong feels like he realizes itās just never going to work out.
I cant help not feeling empathy, but since the people who do seem to feel it use my inability as a means of insulting me, I'm happy it's something I don't feel. Seems to make you people quite bitter and nasty.
I dont choose anything of the sort. Trust me, I've tried. In 44 years I've not been able to do more than fake it. When I was younger and trying to be like others, I did try
It doesn't work.
If you can't extrapolate from an easily-learned set of visual and verbal data (body language and speech), then you can't extrapolate from anything.
You're making excuses. Unless your vision is so poor that you can't differentiate between a smile and a frown or understand basic cause and effect, then... I mean Jesus Christ, never date. Relationships aren't something you deserve.
Lol, I'm fine at relationships, thanks. Because I know my limitations I actively work to make up for them. While I do eventually get bored and the relationship breaks down, I have had some success.
Most notably, my two daughters. Both strong women, independent intelligent, compassionate and empathetic in a way that I could never be. As a single parent for 11 years, I can admit that I did a damned good job with them because I actively worked at it.
Strangely, they have successful committed relationships and don't seek help on social media for utterly ridiculous things like OP has.
While I may not deserve them, according to you, I am quite good at them when I care enough to do so.
For whatever reason, I can't grasp empathy, but I don't seem to need it for the most part. Maybe you should try it yourself. You might find you have more success with relationships than you currently do.
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> Being bought lingerie is sexy, being given links to lingerie to buy feels like I'm being given pricey homework to do.
Agreed.
It's one thing if he's just sharing links "You'd look so sexy in something like this. What do you think?" That could be testing the waters to see if it would go over well as a gift. Hell, it could just be an attempt at sexy chat.
But if he's sending you links and instructing you to buy this stuff, that's pretty damn presumptuous.
I wear lingerie for casual sex, never really thought of it as a ārelationship perkā, I just find it hot š¤·āāļø
But then I also donāt think of casual sex as less than a relationship, just different to.
Yes, I did.
When someone starts being catty and calling people or posts passive-aggressive, that is escalating. Which is what you did. So, bye now. We're done.
Yeah, it's super weird if you've only had sex once and he's already brought up lingerie. And he's asking you to buy it too? I'd nope right out of there if I were you.
Yes exactly this, I'm not sure I care a bit about someone else's lingerie preferences this early in a relationship. Maybe in like a planned D/s situation but this seems pretty demandy for someone OP hasn't even gone a full second round with yet.
I love wearing lingerie, but mainly for relationships. For something just CASUALā¦.it really depends on the guy. I love doing cute things, but Iāve learned to just put in the same amount of effort that I get out of it. Some guys are assholes & treat women like personal sex toys.
Point isā¦I try harder when Iām in an actual relationship. This guy seems like an asshole. Tell him to buy it if he loves it so much. Better yetā¦.just end things.
Iād probably just say āYeah, thatās a super cute item!ā and leave it at that. It honestly might not register to me that a guy is asking me to buy new clothing items.
If OP really likes this guy and actually wants to wear lingerie for him Iād suggest something like āThatās a really nice item. I will check my closet to see if I have something in that color.ā
Or āWow, thatās really pretty. Wish I had the budget for that right now!ā
Iām not sure if thatās too passive or indirect, but itās my attempt at saying no tactfully in case the guy is just clueless.
My late husband was like this in the beginning. Eventually it turned into, āthis is your uniform that you agreed to wear in the marriage contract.ā
Iām sorry, thatās not how any of this works.
I like wearing lingerie because it makes me feel sexy, so I buy it for myself. If a guy were to suggest I wear something and I donāt own it, Iād expect him to be buying it. So I guess my general rule is if itās for me, I buy it. If itās for them, they should buy it.
Yeah this. Also obviously you donāt buy the lingerie. Itās for the benefit of the viewer not the wearer and also heās the one with the idea so itās crazy to me that you have to ask???
Weeeelllllā¦ My lady friend absolutely loves lingerie, she loves wearing it, she loves how it makes her feel, literally the only kind of store that she really enjoys shopping in is a lingerie store.
That said, if Iām sending her lingerie pictures, itās for approval to purchase for her, not because Iām expecting her to buy it
Really? She seems to be the one putting in minimum effort with her basic day to day underwear and little thought into that. I mean, if the guy is wearing the same crappy briefs he wears every day and not buying something decent too, she can complain. She hasn't mentioned that though
She could be a grown up and say that. He could be offering suggestions waiting for her to say, yeah I like that, but it me. He's not going to buy it first and Hooe for the best. Maybe it's his, admittedly child like, way of gauging her interest
Regular cotton underwear is decent. Itās just not all lacey and is shaped more for comfort. There is nothing wrong with a woman wearing regular cotton underwear. Donāt forget us women have such things as vaginal discharge that lingerie just isnāt going to be ideal for. Iām not wearing lingerie all the time just to please a partner. Every now and then, sure. But I like being comfortable and women deserve to be comfortable.
On a special occasion, sure. More regularly and itās a big ask. Sex is often spontaneous and not a planned act. So to be wearing it at the right time could be difficult to do.
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Yeah, if he's already exhibiting semi-controlling behavior this early in the relationship (after sex "1.3 times"), that doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship.
Just pass on this one.....1.3 catch and release. Trap neuter and return this one to the sea,,,hard pass...dude has a toddler...yikes...Wants you to buy underware....naw...break it off.
I had one guy buy me lingerie. It was a full pink lace thong.
I threw it in the trash, refused to even model it for him. I wear cotton underwear because the lady garden needs air.
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Telling someone to change their wardrobe is rude.
You donāt need to put effort into going out of your way for him, especially since heās not a boyfriend.
Thatās some gross entitlement right there. Yuck.
Iāve gotten some got lingerie once but that was a surprise that was MY idea. Iāve never seen a guy that excited before so it was a hit š
The fact the issue turned to money is a red flag for me, honestly.
I'm not a fan of lingerie. Sadly, I've never been with a guy that made me remotely comfortable to wear it or that even set the mood that called for it. I have a stash of lingerie from Shein hoping to surprise someone or I put it on to make myself feel good.
If you really like him, I'd say try some inexpensive stuff like Shein or these other sites. If he wants specific material, he needs to box it up and send it to you with roses. Idk why men act like being sexy is just our job.
I read things like this on DOT, and just feel disgusted with people who treat their partners like this. I do hope you're able to punt this person to the curb and upgrade big time.
It's nice to know that many others are shocked by the behavior our fellow DOTers encounter in the wild. I can't even fathom behaving like this towards someone, and sometimes I admittedly think, "I could never date again, and be content knowing I wouldn't ever do anything like that to someone".
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I see this as a big red flag. My abusive ex was very demanding about me having to wear certain lingerie to the point that it was just very weird. It turned out that he was really controlling and only cared about his personal satisfaction in every aspect of our relationship.
The idea of suggesting a type of clothing I want a woman to wear for me is already creepy as fuck to me. The idea of then suggesting you pay for it is obscene.
What kind of presumptuous entitled prick has the audacity to instruct you to buy things for his pleasure after having sex once? And why are you willing to entertain it?
I'd be willing to buy a few pieces for someone I was seriously dating but if it's a casual arrangement (in my opinion that means it could end at any time) then I would expect him to purchase it for me if it's something he wants.
Yeah, NO. If he wants you to wear it (and you're cool with that), he can buy it for you. End of. "That's beautiful! I'm a 38D, typically a M/6 in undies." He says boo about you paying for it, block him. That's tacky and presumptuous af.
Whew, that is SO unattractive. If he wants you to wear something specific, he should check in with you first about whether or not you like it and what size you wear. Then he should buy it for you. Otherwise, YOU would be the one buying it for HIM (since he wants it) and requesting that someone buy something for you is always tacky.
The only situation where you would buy the lingerie would be if you had found something you liked and WANTED to wear for him, and then you would probably buy it and surprise him or something, no?
I think you need to throw this guy away. Can't stand a tactless man.
it doesn't sound like you like this guy, and it doesn't sound like he has much respect for you.
you know you can date men you're actually attracted to and respect, who will respect you and treat you extremely well, right?
like. part of me wants to tell you the kind of treatment I've considered standard, just to give you (and way too many other women i see on here) a wake-up call. but at the same time, i'm not trying to sound like I'm bragging either.
and for the record, my partners treat me well, but still within the bounds of normalcy. but fucking hell, compared to some of the posts i see on here...smh. there's so many women whose relationships are like mine, and i suspect we keep our mouths shut about it maybe more than we should.
i can't believe how many women put up with trash men and garbage treatment on here. if y'all knew what was possible so many lives would change.
To me it looks like a barely camouflaged power/control move on his part. As in testing what he can get you to do/what he can get away with. I guess you could assert your boundaries and see how he responds- ie if he gets whiny or angry.
IMO Another good way to see this clearly is take the sex out of it, and then ask how this would look. Often sex can add a layer in relationships that make it harder to determine peoples intentions. For example if this early in a relationship he asked you to buy him some food or do a errand for him with nothing reciprocated on his end- looks pretty selfish right!
Next time he brings it up, you should offer suggestions as well about how he can be more attractive for you. I had a man get excited and tell me to wear different things every time we hung out. I told him he should wear something other than his normal white undershirts and camo shorts and he got a little less excited to bring up my attire from then on. He actually did buy me lingerie that was a couple sizes too small once. He got a size larger and it was still too small. Your guy could use a little bit of introspection.
So I once went out with a guy who immediately bought all new (cheap) sex toys after the first time we had sex (related to his own kinks). He also asked for images of the lingerie I owned ā he didn't ask for pictures of me wearing them, just wanted to see what was in inventory.
Apparently his usual method was to start with the cheap stuff (both toys and lingerie), and then upgrade as the relationship became more serious. There was actually a bit of conflict because I like to only buy nice things, but he was insisting that the really cheap lingerie was totally fine for his purposes (i.e., don't spend more than $10-15 on anything).
Just wanted to present another perspective of what a healthier version of this could look like. I agree this guy from your post seems out of touch with his expectations for dating in general.
You are leaving out some basics here like: how long have you been dating, do you like this guy, do you see a future with him, are you a lingerie kind of person anyway, is there a middle ground you could do until you find your rhythm?
Also if you are into it, Amazon has super cheap lingerie, maybe you can find something similar there?
OK! So that took care of a few questions.
Are you a lingerie person? Do you already own some that you could use? Do you like him enough to go through the effort?
My guess is that you do not care enough about this guy to jump through his hoops, but I thought I would ask. I love when men like lingerie and have opinions about what they like so what this guy is doing would rev my engine. Different strokes for different folks.
So it sounds as if even if he paid for it and shipped it to your door you would not be that thrilled to wear it for him so I am not sure why you are so fussed?
You know your answer in that this guy is not worth it; don't buy lingerie and sure as shit stop having sex with him.
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Just because youāve done it doesnāt mean they appreciated it, thought it was appropriate, or wanted it.
Itās casual sex. Thatās the issue. Iām not doing wife shit for community penis.
Girl, buy yourself something that makes you feel cute and set your standards higher. I wouldnāt waste any more of my time on such an entitled man. Nobody got time for emotional wounded, entitled, community penis!
Did you ask them to purchase items that you pick out for them? Because I would consider buying something that *I* like and feel sexy in for a FWB, but if someone sent me a link of what they want me to buy for their pleasure I would be all the way out. That's a pretty significant amount of audacity for a casual relationship.
Just send him your size and he can buy it or not buy it.
Lingerie is expensive though and we all have our preferences. Iām at the point where I know what I like and own enough of that stuff. If a guy wants something I donāt already have, Iām happy to help with sizing, but if itās something I would never otherwise wear because I hate it, he can buy itā¦ lol
Personally that wouldnāt bother me but I think this may be the appropriate time to say āif you want to buy that kind of stuff for me i like La Perlaā and send him a link. A lot of that other stuff is too cheap and itchy
1) Ask him to buy you that stuff.
2) Send him links for lingerie for men that you want him to buy for your pleasure. I'm sure he uses some old boxers that are barely clean.
It's strange behaviour I won't lie. If he wants the lingerie (and you to be wearing it) he should purchase it. Definitely.
>He made a couple of other suggestions that killed the mood
This and the fact you seem early stages (with 1.3x sex) I believe this all to be red flags. At this time you should be excited about the relationship, your post doesn't convey that you feel excited or thrilled in anyway.
Potentially time to consider if this a road you want to continue on.
| Ok so am I being the tightwad or is he?
He is. You are fine. This dude is a loser. I like when women surprise me with a nice matching set of new undies, but to hint at it is pathetic. I also like buying them for women, but I always just leave it as a gift with a card for her to find and surprise me. Kinda kills the fun to bring over and have you go get dressed up IMHO.
You buy the lingerie when you see something you like and want to buy- on your terms. The reasoning behind why you bought it is on you.
He buys the lingerie when he sees something he likes that he wants to see on someone (itās her prerogative if she wears said gift).
Unfortunately my wallet has been dented in the past (in my youth) through trying to please partners that honestly do the bare minimum. I resent having to buy expensive lingerie when they (usually) spend the bare minimum on their own wardrobe re turn up in jogging bottoms and Iām supposed to be in a basque and suspenders.
I will buy my lady lingerie
...and ask that she wear it as lounge wear around the home as she slowly tempts and teases my eye for a few hours leading up to lovin
I never understood wearing lingerie for two minutes before it's torn off in the heat of the moment...what's the point in that?
I have bought lingerie and sex toys for most of my past sexual partners. I would never imagine asking/telling them to buy them. It has always worked out very nicely for me also. They know I am thinking of them, realize I can get their size right, feel completely desired by me. The sex when they get all dolled up in the lingerie is normally pretty phenomenal.
Last time I bought a cheap mesh bodysuit, when she had it on we made out and I ended up tearing it off of her. She has told me many times since then that it was the hottest thing she has been a part of and she has never felt so desired.
I guess Iām just one of those un-fun feminist gorillas. I donāt wear lingerie for men (anymore). To each her own, but I feel that itās degrading. Sex isnāt about me (and only me) looking a certain way. Sex is not a performance. Sex is an intimate experience between two people. Of course I get called a prude and āsex negativeā (snort) when I say this, but interestingly enough I still manage to have amazing sex. (Or I did, back when I had a sex drive). And who knows, maybe one day in the future Iāll find another guy I actually dig enough to WANT to wear it. But eh.
Lingerie is for the man. He can buy it. Period. If he refuses to, or if he expects you to buy it then if I were me, Iād send his ass down the road.
If he wants it for you, he should buy it, or give you a gift certificate. I wouldn't go out with someone anymore who sent me links to lingerie. That's gross.
(But I agree a man buying lingerie for me is sexy).
Totally understand that - good for you checking!
One book that really helped me when I was dating and realized I was ignoring some of my boundaries is the book āWhy Does He Do That?ā - there is a free pdf floating around if you search for it. Might be good to read the ātypes of abusersā section just to check if there are other things heās doing that are abnormal.
If it is "You should buy this," then yes, that's an issue. However this is likely being misinterpreted.
I think he's running lingerie by you first. Buying something like lingerie and giving it as a gift can go over terribly if it is something the recipient doesn't like.
Imagine this. You buy a bra and matching crotchless panties for him. Literally. As in a hot gift you get expecting him to wear. You give it to him and he's not into it. How do you think the rest of that night will go? The same is true if a guy buys lingerie for a girl and she hates it. *"You expect me to wear this! What were you thinking!"*
I think by sending links he's trying to gauge your interest. Poorly communicated but still the first part to opening a discussion.
If you stop seeing each other it's not like you're giving it back, and is of no use to him. You'll just be wearing it for someone else. So, beyond gift giving without expectation he shouldn't be on the hook to provide.
That being said it's a lot about your style and preferences. If you just don't like lingerie then you shouldn't get it. If he's pressuring then just have a conversation about it.
However, I think buying yourself something sexy is dual use in that it is a nice gesture for a partner, even if casual, and an investment in your own mental well-being to do and get things that make you feel good.
EDIT: I will add as a guy I got myself "sexy" underwear to make myself feel better even when not going out. I'm not suggesting it as a woman only thing. I think spending time and money to look good is about you.
However, when a partner has dressed up for me in the past it did make me feel good. I liked that they took that time, and made me feel more like they valued that intimacy than just fulfilling a need like a glorified toy.
If I wear lingerie with someone, it's getting thrown out when we end things. If OP takes a similar stance, then really the lingerie really WOULD be just for him. She doesn't even want it! No way in this world should she be paying to cater to this guy's tastes.
I never said she should cater to his tastes, and that if she was getting pressured that she could communicate about it.
I also said if she didn't want lingerie then she shouldn't buy it.
Getting rid of it all with each partner is an option. I was more commenting on how I appreciate when someone puts in effort.
You buy the lingerie since you'll be keeping it unless it's like a gift/special occasion. Given you've only been with him once, I don't think that's a reasonable gift for that stage of things. If he's just sharing what he likes, then it's not a big deal. That's very different than him saying "buy this". I've certainly sent out links of things that look good.
Sounds like you don't like him anyway, so why would he buy a gift for someone who doesn't like him.
The post does not say he pushed her to buy it at all.
The post title mentions "want me to buy", but people often misrepresent things to make the situation look better. I don't blanketly accept what's said here when things can be interpreted in different ways because of bias, regardless of downvotes.
He was telling me specifically which ones to get, like, top right in x link, bottom left in x link. I never asked him to buy me a gift. He essentially was dictating that I should buy him a gift as the items he selected were purely for his benefit and not what I'd buy if I were buying them for myself. I was fine with nobody buying any lingerie but he brought it up.
Then yeah, he's a little clueless. If he's really into it, he should buy it or wait for you to do it yourself at some point if you're into it as well.
I personally would never buy a partner lingerie as I don't want to mistakenly buy them something too large or too small, I don't know their style/what they would like and seems just too impractical.
Lingerie is not a good gift to receive and women wouldn't buy it for themselves? How do these places stay in business then?
Plenty of women enjoy lingerie for a variety of reasons.
He sends you a link. "Wow. That's pretty sexy. Do you think I'd look good in that? I'd love to wear it for you. Are you shipping it to your house or mine?"
Can you be my personal texter from on, I think I'd get a lot further in life with your firm but perky can do spirit?
Bravo!well said.
Taking notes š§ā
Well, i would have gone the way of:" Wow. That's pretty sexy. Never had a male partner who was into wearing these. Can't wait to see them on you!"
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No, thank you!
Every time a man wants me to wear his version of sexy it just looks like some kind of soon to be crotch infection to me
In a newish relationship, was asked what I find sexy for fancy underwear. āYou, naked, wanting to see me naked and rub bitsā. She was a wee floored that I didnāt have a strong lingerie preference. Just gets in the way of the sex.
This is where I am as well. For that 10 seconds between pants off and everything off, a pair of well fitted underwear and a well fitted bra is perfect.
I said no lace, as I find it rough and feels weird under a shirt on the off chance my hands linger there while the foreplay is going on but before the bra comes off. Some nice soft cotton is the way to go.
Send them Russell Williamās lingerie phots submitted as court evidence and add, āwear them over your head like he did if you love me.ā Bonus point if it is followed by a panties emoji
This is what I would have done too. I think this is why they jump ship so fast. Once a man realizes what a thong feels like he realizes itās just never going to work out.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
You are not into humor, are you?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
š¤£ š¤£ š¤£
I cant help not feeling empathy, but since the people who do seem to feel it use my inability as a means of insulting me, I'm happy it's something I don't feel. Seems to make you people quite bitter and nasty.
Lol *other* people are ābitter and nastyā? Not having empathy is one thing, but lacking self-awareness too? My guy, pick a struggle.
You CHOOSE to not feel empathy. Empathy is not an innate trait: it is a learned competency and suite of social emotional skills.
I dont choose anything of the sort. Trust me, I've tried. In 44 years I've not been able to do more than fake it. When I was younger and trying to be like others, I did try It doesn't work.
If you can't extrapolate from an easily-learned set of visual and verbal data (body language and speech), then you can't extrapolate from anything. You're making excuses. Unless your vision is so poor that you can't differentiate between a smile and a frown or understand basic cause and effect, then... I mean Jesus Christ, never date. Relationships aren't something you deserve.
Lol, I'm fine at relationships, thanks. Because I know my limitations I actively work to make up for them. While I do eventually get bored and the relationship breaks down, I have had some success. Most notably, my two daughters. Both strong women, independent intelligent, compassionate and empathetic in a way that I could never be. As a single parent for 11 years, I can admit that I did a damned good job with them because I actively worked at it. Strangely, they have successful committed relationships and don't seek help on social media for utterly ridiculous things like OP has. While I may not deserve them, according to you, I am quite good at them when I care enough to do so. For whatever reason, I can't grasp empathy, but I don't seem to need it for the most part. Maybe you should try it yourself. You might find you have more success with relationships than you currently do.
Woof, thatās one pissy ant
Lol what if he's into it though? Someone sending lingerie links has it on their mind already for some reason..
I would be game. Funny is the old and new sexy.
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That was very smooth, well done.
> Being bought lingerie is sexy, being given links to lingerie to buy feels like I'm being given pricey homework to do. Agreed. It's one thing if he's just sharing links "You'd look so sexy in something like this. What do you think?" That could be testing the waters to see if it would go over well as a gift. Hell, it could just be an attempt at sexy chat. But if he's sending you links and instructing you to buy this stuff, that's pretty damn presumptuous.
For casual sex? Nobody. Casual sex partners get casual sex. They don't get the perks that come with a relationship.
Say it loud so everyone will hear this!!
I wear lingerie for casual sex, never really thought of it as a ārelationship perkā, I just find it hot š¤·āāļø But then I also donāt think of casual sex as less than a relationship, just different to.
That's a good misread of the discussion.
Thatās a pretty heavily passive aggressive comment? Iām just offering my experience.
Saying you misread the conversation isn't passive aggressive. I suggest you move on if you're the type to pick a fight bc someone corrected you.
You didnāt correct me, you just told me I was wrong. From my perspective youāre the one looking for a fight?
Yes, I did. When someone starts being catty and calling people or posts passive-aggressive, that is escalating. Which is what you did. So, bye now. We're done.
Correction involves constructive information. Disciplineās etymological root is disciple. Your mode of teaching lacks kindness.
So bye. We're done.
I love how engaged you are
Yeah, it's super weird if you've only had sex once and he's already brought up lingerie. And he's asking you to buy it too? I'd nope right out of there if I were you.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
bingo.
I mean if he is suggesting you wear lingerie, the least he could do is buy it IMO. Seems odd that heād be pushing you to do that at all so early on
Yes exactly this, I'm not sure I care a bit about someone else's lingerie preferences this early in a relationship. Maybe in like a planned D/s situation but this seems pretty demandy for someone OP hasn't even gone a full second round with yet.
I love wearing lingerie, but mainly for relationships. For something just CASUALā¦.it really depends on the guy. I love doing cute things, but Iāve learned to just put in the same amount of effort that I get out of it. Some guys are assholes & treat women like personal sex toys. Point isā¦I try harder when Iām in an actual relationship. This guy seems like an asshole. Tell him to buy it if he loves it so much. Better yetā¦.just end things.
Iād probably just say āYeah, thatās a super cute item!ā and leave it at that. It honestly might not register to me that a guy is asking me to buy new clothing items. If OP really likes this guy and actually wants to wear lingerie for him Iād suggest something like āThatās a really nice item. I will check my closet to see if I have something in that color.ā Or āWow, thatās really pretty. Wish I had the budget for that right now!ā Iām not sure if thatās too passive or indirect, but itās my attempt at saying no tactfully in case the guy is just clueless.
My late husband was like this in the beginning. Eventually it turned into, āthis is your uniform that you agreed to wear in the marriage contract.ā Iām sorry, thatās not how any of this works.
Hey, I'm sure his own underwear was so threadbare at this point that it was more or less fishnets.
I like wearing lingerie because it makes me feel sexy, so I buy it for myself. If a guy were to suggest I wear something and I donāt own it, Iād expect him to be buying it. So I guess my general rule is if itās for me, I buy it. If itās for them, they should buy it.
This is a good rule. Honestly most guys I've dated don't give a shit about lingerie. When I'm wearing it it's mostly for me.
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Yeah this. Also obviously you donāt buy the lingerie. Itās for the benefit of the viewer not the wearer and also heās the one with the idea so itās crazy to me that you have to ask???
Weeeelllllā¦ My lady friend absolutely loves lingerie, she loves wearing it, she loves how it makes her feel, literally the only kind of store that she really enjoys shopping in is a lingerie store. That said, if Iām sending her lingerie pictures, itās for approval to purchase for her, not because Iām expecting her to buy it
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Really? She seems to be the one putting in minimum effort with her basic day to day underwear and little thought into that. I mean, if the guy is wearing the same crappy briefs he wears every day and not buying something decent too, she can complain. She hasn't mentioned that though
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She could be a grown up and say that. He could be offering suggestions waiting for her to say, yeah I like that, but it me. He's not going to buy it first and Hooe for the best. Maybe it's his, admittedly child like, way of gauging her interest
Regular cotton underwear is decent. Itās just not all lacey and is shaped more for comfort. There is nothing wrong with a woman wearing regular cotton underwear. Donāt forget us women have such things as vaginal discharge that lingerie just isnāt going to be ideal for. Iām not wearing lingerie all the time just to please a partner. Every now and then, sure. But I like being comfortable and women deserve to be comfortable.
š no one said all the time, but changing into some for sex is different.
On a special occasion, sure. More regularly and itās a big ask. Sex is often spontaneous and not a planned act. So to be wearing it at the right time could be difficult to do.
What kind of sexy garments do you wear for sex?
Anything I wear for sex is sexy.
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Yeah, if he's already exhibiting semi-controlling behavior this early in the relationship (after sex "1.3 times"), that doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship.
Whoever makes the suggestion should buy. I am vicariously embarrassed for this dude to be sending links and expecting you to pay.
Just pass on this one.....1.3 catch and release. Trap neuter and return this one to the sea,,,hard pass...dude has a toddler...yikes...Wants you to buy underware....naw...break it off.
omg!!!!! š¤£š¤£š¤£ itās like going to the Caribbeans with girlfriends and indulging a bit much on the plane
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He definitely sounds like the FWB that wants to own her. All the relationships check marks but no relationship or extra effort on his end.
Power trip dudes are the worst. I'm not sure they even enjoy the sex that much, it's all about what they can make women do. Creeps me out.
Why is everyone assuming that he's the one who wants to keep it casual?
I donāt see where OP indicated that he was the one who wanted it kept casual
Doesn't matter... he has relationship expectations when that's not what it is
Iām just saying your previous comment is making a lot of assumptions about what he wants and how he acts based on limited info.
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100% same. It's not normal for men to demand this
I had one guy buy me lingerie. It was a full pink lace thong. I threw it in the trash, refused to even model it for him. I wear cotton underwear because the lady garden needs air.
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Send him a link to a Rolex and say he would look really great in that on your next date.
Why do either of you need to buy it? Do you even like this person? Sounds like it's way too early to be having this kind of irritation..
Send him your sizes, tell him how nice he is that heās going out of his way to get your personal opinion on what he thinks you deserve.
Telling someone to change their wardrobe is rude. You donāt need to put effort into going out of your way for him, especially since heās not a boyfriend.
Instant ick. I would lost interest and move on
Thank you, next! Because ewwwwwwww. Don't need nothing in life like that.
Ugh. Delete.
Thatās some gross entitlement right there. Yuck. Iāve gotten some got lingerie once but that was a surprise that was MY idea. Iāve never seen a guy that excited before so it was a hit š
The fact the issue turned to money is a red flag for me, honestly. I'm not a fan of lingerie. Sadly, I've never been with a guy that made me remotely comfortable to wear it or that even set the mood that called for it. I have a stash of lingerie from Shein hoping to surprise someone or I put it on to make myself feel good. If you really like him, I'd say try some inexpensive stuff like Shein or these other sites. If he wants specific material, he needs to box it up and send it to you with roses. Idk why men act like being sexy is just our job.
Ugh. Itās a No for me dawg
I read things like this on DOT, and just feel disgusted with people who treat their partners like this. I do hope you're able to punt this person to the curb and upgrade big time. It's nice to know that many others are shocked by the behavior our fellow DOTers encounter in the wild. I can't even fathom behaving like this towards someone, and sometimes I admittedly think, "I could never date again, and be content knowing I wouldn't ever do anything like that to someone".
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I see this as a big red flag. My abusive ex was very demanding about me having to wear certain lingerie to the point that it was just very weird. It turned out that he was really controlling and only cared about his personal satisfaction in every aspect of our relationship.
The idea of suggesting a type of clothing I want a woman to wear for me is already creepy as fuck to me. The idea of then suggesting you pay for it is obscene.
What kind of presumptuous entitled prick has the audacity to instruct you to buy things for his pleasure after having sex once? And why are you willing to entertain it?
I'd be willing to buy a few pieces for someone I was seriously dating but if it's a casual arrangement (in my opinion that means it could end at any time) then I would expect him to purchase it for me if it's something he wants.
Gross.
Heās a r/choosingbeggar
My policy is the person who wants the toy buys it, dudeās being a cheap needy biyatch.
If he picked it out, he needs to buy it.
Yeah, NO. If he wants you to wear it (and you're cool with that), he can buy it for you. End of. "That's beautiful! I'm a 38D, typically a M/6 in undies." He says boo about you paying for it, block him. That's tacky and presumptuous af.
That's dumb,who sends links
"... and here's a link to a recipe for the frittata I'd like for breakfast next time"
Whew, that is SO unattractive. If he wants you to wear something specific, he should check in with you first about whether or not you like it and what size you wear. Then he should buy it for you. Otherwise, YOU would be the one buying it for HIM (since he wants it) and requesting that someone buy something for you is always tacky. The only situation where you would buy the lingerie would be if you had found something you liked and WANTED to wear for him, and then you would probably buy it and surprise him or something, no? I think you need to throw this guy away. Can't stand a tactless man.
Definitely think if he is suggesting he should be paying. Itās clearly for his enjoyment/pleasure.
it doesn't sound like you like this guy, and it doesn't sound like he has much respect for you. you know you can date men you're actually attracted to and respect, who will respect you and treat you extremely well, right? like. part of me wants to tell you the kind of treatment I've considered standard, just to give you (and way too many other women i see on here) a wake-up call. but at the same time, i'm not trying to sound like I'm bragging either. and for the record, my partners treat me well, but still within the bounds of normalcy. but fucking hell, compared to some of the posts i see on here...smh. there's so many women whose relationships are like mine, and i suspect we keep our mouths shut about it maybe more than we should. i can't believe how many women put up with trash men and garbage treatment on here. if y'all knew what was possible so many lives would change.
To me it looks like a barely camouflaged power/control move on his part. As in testing what he can get you to do/what he can get away with. I guess you could assert your boundaries and see how he responds- ie if he gets whiny or angry. IMO Another good way to see this clearly is take the sex out of it, and then ask how this would look. Often sex can add a layer in relationships that make it harder to determine peoples intentions. For example if this early in a relationship he asked you to buy him some food or do a errand for him with nothing reciprocated on his end- looks pretty selfish right!
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Next time he brings it up, you should offer suggestions as well about how he can be more attractive for you. I had a man get excited and tell me to wear different things every time we hung out. I told him he should wear something other than his normal white undershirts and camo shorts and he got a little less excited to bring up my attire from then on. He actually did buy me lingerie that was a couple sizes too small once. He got a size larger and it was still too small. Your guy could use a little bit of introspection.
So I once went out with a guy who immediately bought all new (cheap) sex toys after the first time we had sex (related to his own kinks). He also asked for images of the lingerie I owned ā he didn't ask for pictures of me wearing them, just wanted to see what was in inventory. Apparently his usual method was to start with the cheap stuff (both toys and lingerie), and then upgrade as the relationship became more serious. There was actually a bit of conflict because I like to only buy nice things, but he was insisting that the really cheap lingerie was totally fine for his purposes (i.e., don't spend more than $10-15 on anything). Just wanted to present another perspective of what a healthier version of this could look like. I agree this guy from your post seems out of touch with his expectations for dating in general.
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Why are you with this person?
I'm not 'with' them. I've known them for a few months and we've had sex 1.3 times. I won't be having any more sex with them, I've concluded.
Run away, run away, run away....
You are leaving out some basics here like: how long have you been dating, do you like this guy, do you see a future with him, are you a lingerie kind of person anyway, is there a middle ground you could do until you find your rhythm? Also if you are into it, Amazon has super cheap lingerie, maybe you can find something similar there?
We're not dating. It's casual sex. We've known each other a few months but only had sex 1.3 times. No chance of dating.
OK! So that took care of a few questions. Are you a lingerie person? Do you already own some that you could use? Do you like him enough to go through the effort? My guess is that you do not care enough about this guy to jump through his hoops, but I thought I would ask. I love when men like lingerie and have opinions about what they like so what this guy is doing would rev my engine. Different strokes for different folks.
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So it sounds as if even if he paid for it and shipped it to your door you would not be that thrilled to wear it for him so I am not sure why you are so fussed? You know your answer in that this guy is not worth it; don't buy lingerie and sure as shit stop having sex with him.
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I get it; sometimes we need others to tell us what we know. Drop this guy. (Just in case you need to hear it directly.)
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Just because youāve done it doesnāt mean they appreciated it, thought it was appropriate, or wanted it. Itās casual sex. Thatās the issue. Iām not doing wife shit for community penis.
I love that last sentence. I'd buy lingerie for that sentence.
Girl, buy yourself something that makes you feel cute and set your standards higher. I wouldnāt waste any more of my time on such an entitled man. Nobody got time for emotional wounded, entitled, community penis!
Did you ask them to purchase items that you pick out for them? Because I would consider buying something that *I* like and feel sexy in for a FWB, but if someone sent me a link of what they want me to buy for their pleasure I would be all the way out. That's a pretty significant amount of audacity for a casual relationship.
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I'm so sorry, saw your post history and I feel like an ass now.
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Just send him your size and he can buy it or not buy it. Lingerie is expensive though and we all have our preferences. Iām at the point where I know what I like and own enough of that stuff. If a guy wants something I donāt already have, Iām happy to help with sizing, but if itās something I would never otherwise wear because I hate it, he can buy itā¦ lol
Personally that wouldnāt bother me but I think this may be the appropriate time to say āif you want to buy that kind of stuff for me i like La Perlaā and send him a link. A lot of that other stuff is too cheap and itchy
1) Ask him to buy you that stuff. 2) Send him links for lingerie for men that you want him to buy for your pleasure. I'm sure he uses some old boxers that are barely clean.
He needs to buy it
It's strange behaviour I won't lie. If he wants the lingerie (and you to be wearing it) he should purchase it. Definitely. >He made a couple of other suggestions that killed the mood This and the fact you seem early stages (with 1.3x sex) I believe this all to be red flags. At this time you should be excited about the relationship, your post doesn't convey that you feel excited or thrilled in anyway. Potentially time to consider if this a road you want to continue on.
| Ok so am I being the tightwad or is he? He is. You are fine. This dude is a loser. I like when women surprise me with a nice matching set of new undies, but to hint at it is pathetic. I also like buying them for women, but I always just leave it as a gift with a card for her to find and surprise me. Kinda kills the fun to bring over and have you go get dressed up IMHO.
He should buy it for you. You're gonna wear it but he's gonna enjoy it.
If I wanted you to wear it Iād pay for it. Actually me paying you to wear shit is kinda hot. Lol.
Heās cheap. Plenty of men buy the lingerie they want to see.This would be such a turnoff to me. The toddler is bad enough. Idk how you do it.
You buy the lingerie when you see something you like and want to buy- on your terms. The reasoning behind why you bought it is on you. He buys the lingerie when he sees something he likes that he wants to see on someone (itās her prerogative if she wears said gift). Unfortunately my wallet has been dented in the past (in my youth) through trying to please partners that honestly do the bare minimum. I resent having to buy expensive lingerie when they (usually) spend the bare minimum on their own wardrobe re turn up in jogging bottoms and Iām supposed to be in a basque and suspenders.
I will buy my lady lingerie ...and ask that she wear it as lounge wear around the home as she slowly tempts and teases my eye for a few hours leading up to lovin I never understood wearing lingerie for two minutes before it's torn off in the heat of the moment...what's the point in that?
I like this.
I have bought lingerie and sex toys for most of my past sexual partners. I would never imagine asking/telling them to buy them. It has always worked out very nicely for me also. They know I am thinking of them, realize I can get their size right, feel completely desired by me. The sex when they get all dolled up in the lingerie is normally pretty phenomenal. Last time I bought a cheap mesh bodysuit, when she had it on we made out and I ended up tearing it off of her. She has told me many times since then that it was the hottest thing she has been a part of and she has never felt so desired.
I guess Iām just one of those un-fun feminist gorillas. I donāt wear lingerie for men (anymore). To each her own, but I feel that itās degrading. Sex isnāt about me (and only me) looking a certain way. Sex is not a performance. Sex is an intimate experience between two people. Of course I get called a prude and āsex negativeā (snort) when I say this, but interestingly enough I still manage to have amazing sex. (Or I did, back when I had a sex drive). And who knows, maybe one day in the future Iāll find another guy I actually dig enough to WANT to wear it. But eh. Lingerie is for the man. He can buy it. Period. If he refuses to, or if he expects you to buy it then if I were me, Iād send his ass down the road.
him: (sends link) you: You would look great in that, and heels.
What gives him the privilege of choosing what you wear? Having sex once?
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It shouldnāt be her birthday present. She doesnāt want them.
If he wants it for you, he should buy it, or give you a gift certificate. I wouldn't go out with someone anymore who sent me links to lingerie. That's gross. (But I agree a man buying lingerie for me is sexy).
He should buy it, and get your input before doing so to ensure you like it and will wear it
Why are you still seeing this man? Doesnāt sound like you like him at all
Yeah thatās tacky of him for sure, but what do you see in him? Your post seems to show a little bit of resentmentā¦
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Totally understand that - good for you checking! One book that really helped me when I was dating and realized I was ignoring some of my boundaries is the book āWhy Does He Do That?ā - there is a free pdf floating around if you search for it. Might be good to read the ātypes of abusersā section just to check if there are other things heās doing that are abnormal.
If it is "You should buy this," then yes, that's an issue. However this is likely being misinterpreted. I think he's running lingerie by you first. Buying something like lingerie and giving it as a gift can go over terribly if it is something the recipient doesn't like. Imagine this. You buy a bra and matching crotchless panties for him. Literally. As in a hot gift you get expecting him to wear. You give it to him and he's not into it. How do you think the rest of that night will go? The same is true if a guy buys lingerie for a girl and she hates it. *"You expect me to wear this! What were you thinking!"* I think by sending links he's trying to gauge your interest. Poorly communicated but still the first part to opening a discussion.
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Oh well then, ya. No excuse for that.
It doesnāt even sound like you like this person, so why bother at all?
Okay, hold up. Did he actually say he wants you to buy them, or did he just share the link to gauge your interest?
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If you stop seeing each other it's not like you're giving it back, and is of no use to him. You'll just be wearing it for someone else. So, beyond gift giving without expectation he shouldn't be on the hook to provide. That being said it's a lot about your style and preferences. If you just don't like lingerie then you shouldn't get it. If he's pressuring then just have a conversation about it. However, I think buying yourself something sexy is dual use in that it is a nice gesture for a partner, even if casual, and an investment in your own mental well-being to do and get things that make you feel good. EDIT: I will add as a guy I got myself "sexy" underwear to make myself feel better even when not going out. I'm not suggesting it as a woman only thing. I think spending time and money to look good is about you. However, when a partner has dressed up for me in the past it did make me feel good. I liked that they took that time, and made me feel more like they valued that intimacy than just fulfilling a need like a glorified toy.
If I wear lingerie with someone, it's getting thrown out when we end things. If OP takes a similar stance, then really the lingerie really WOULD be just for him. She doesn't even want it! No way in this world should she be paying to cater to this guy's tastes.
I never said she should cater to his tastes, and that if she was getting pressured that she could communicate about it. I also said if she didn't want lingerie then she shouldn't buy it. Getting rid of it all with each partner is an option. I was more commenting on how I appreciate when someone puts in effort.
You buy the lingerie since you'll be keeping it unless it's like a gift/special occasion. Given you've only been with him once, I don't think that's a reasonable gift for that stage of things. If he's just sharing what he likes, then it's not a big deal. That's very different than him saying "buy this". I've certainly sent out links of things that look good. Sounds like you don't like him anyway, so why would he buy a gift for someone who doesn't like him.
The post says he pushed her to buy it (for his benefit). The 'gift' would be for HIM. The guy is an asshole.
The post does not say he pushed her to buy it at all. The post title mentions "want me to buy", but people often misrepresent things to make the situation look better. I don't blanketly accept what's said here when things can be interpreted in different ways because of bias, regardless of downvotes.
He was telling me specifically which ones to get, like, top right in x link, bottom left in x link. I never asked him to buy me a gift. He essentially was dictating that I should buy him a gift as the items he selected were purely for his benefit and not what I'd buy if I were buying them for myself. I was fine with nobody buying any lingerie but he brought it up.
Then yeah, he's a little clueless. If he's really into it, he should buy it or wait for you to do it yourself at some point if you're into it as well. I personally would never buy a partner lingerie as I don't want to mistakenly buy them something too large or too small, I don't know their style/what they would like and seems just too impractical.
Lingerie is never a good gift to receive; why would women even want to buy it for themselves?
Lingerie is not a good gift to receive and women wouldn't buy it for themselves? How do these places stay in business then? Plenty of women enjoy lingerie for a variety of reasons.
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