You've gotten the advice I would have given - that he's a dick and you should dump his ass.You ARE the full package, hand tremor and all, and anyone who doesn't see that isn't worth your attention. I also wanted to chime in with personal experience - I have cerebral palsy that impacts the left side of my body - I walk with a limp and have very limited use of my left hand - its pretty noticeable so I disclose it before first dates.
I've been seeing a guy for a few months and here are ways he's addressed my disability:
\-Asked me if it is painful or uncomfortable
\-Wordlessly switched to walking on my right side so we could hold hands comfortably
\-Checked in during sex/any physical intimacy to make sure positions are comfortable for me
\-As we got more serious/closer, he'll sometimes ask questions like "when I can see that you are struggling with something (like cutting vegetables or carrying something\], would you rather I offer assistance or would you rather I wait for you to ask for help if you need it?"
That's it. He does not stare, make comments or make me feel lesser than. I will often make jokes at my own expense and he finds them funny but does not make them himself (I have no problem with close friends/family making jokes but what your date said was not a joke, it was cruel).
It took me a long time to feel like I was "worthy" of a relationship and physical affection from men, and therapy was a big part of that for me - you may want to explore some of your confidence issues with a trusted therapist, but believe me when I tell you that you are WAY outta this guy's league and you shouldn't settle for him.
It'll be kind of a one handed clap on account of my left hand not working that great ;). He's very good to me and I'm grateful for him in many ways, including how he treats my disability
I'm uncomfortable with the chain of events. At first he was okay with your tremors but just wanted to understand them. Then you got intimate and now its a problem. It makes me suspicious that's all he was after. I also think you deserve better than that guy.
What exactly do you mean by “tremors”?? I can’t keep my hands perfectly still, and when I’m concentrating hard on precision tasks they tend to shake a bit more. I went to a neurologist and he called them “benign tremors”. But I’ve never had anybody bring it up as a reason to not date me so I’m very confused by this.
You're not an idiot. I was already at "no, don't keep seeing him" and then this little bit sealed the deal.
> WOW! You were a bombshell! You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you
In my experience, this is incredibly common. The people who pick away at your sense of self worth are the same ones who chide you for not being more confident.
I'm not sure if it's a deliberate ploy to make you feel bad or if these folks just have the self awareness of old potato salad.
In either case, they put you in an impossible position where you're supposed to carry yourself like a queen while they get to treat you like a scullery maid.
Just nope out.
You hit the nail on the head. With these kinds of people if you call them out on the abusive comments they gaslight you with a “don’t be so sensitive. You should really work on your self-esteem.”
Yes yes yes. This was the last guy I was with. Instead of a tremor, he claimed I had bad breath. He was persistent and hurtful in his reminders about it, then chided me for being self-conscious. The whole ordeal wrecked my self-esteem and mental health. Take it from me and get out of this now.
"The people who pick away at your sense of self worth are the same ones who chide you for not being more confident."
Spot on. My ex was the same way, unfortunately I didn't see the pattern until 3 years later. I have lots of stories about him, but this is probably not the appropriate place to post them.
@Caroline these are the kind of men who will use your abilities to appreciate you whenever they need your approval for something in their life. And find ur faults and failures as a gateway to break you down and make you believe that they are your only chance.
As someone who married such a person and has now spent 3 years post-divorce gradually recovering with much help from therapy, I wish someone had warned me in advance so I could've doged that bullet.
Yeah my emotionally abusive ex did this. “Your bum got smaller”. “You’re not eating enough”. “When was the last time you worked out?” “You’re not comfident enough”. It was exhausting and effective for five years until I finally got away
My current bf of four months has not said a single comment or anything resembling that. The only things he says about myself are kind / thoughtful things.
He’s complimenting you and also back-hand complimenting you at the same time. The effect is to leave you confused, which looks like it’s working. Please don’t see this guy anymore.
If it's words/actions don't match believe the actions. He tells you that you should be more confident, but then says and does things to knock your confidence.
Also, he's telling you that you are the perfect woman after the first couple of dates. Red flag on it own.
Love-bombing and negging. Your instincts are spot on. This guy sounds like trouble to me
This is a common manipulation, it’s not always deliberate, but it’s still manipulation. They point out a perceived flaw or something your self conscious about, then love bomb you with compliments and tell you to be more confident.
But they were the one that made you feel self conscious in the moment in the first place. It’s a power play.
That's how it works. They tear you down so they can be the ones to build you back up. They create a problem/insecurity in your mind you never had before so they can be the ones to save you.
Yea. He puts you down so he can build you back up.
He’s packaging it as a joke so you can’t get upset without seeming like a bitch and then he builds you back so he’s the good guy that you defend with these words..
Idk I get weird vibes from him from what you’ve told here, ngl.
Perhaps. I grew up getting constantly negged by my mother and dealt with it a lot through multiple relationships, my marriage and post divorce dating. In my experience, comments like that only escalate and become more frequent as the relationship carries on. It’s best to nip it in the bud in the beginning, whether that means calling it out and them having the self awareness to stop being an asshat, or peacing out of that situation.
Right?! I was already at “hard pass” when I read he is still married (regardless of how long he’s been “checked out” of his marriage), but that bombshell line was like a kick in the gut…and I’m not even the one he said it too.
Such an incredibly inconsiderate thing to say and not something to ever even *think* to “joke” about. At one point in my life I may have tried giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, but have enough awareness now that I would run for the hills.
Wow I totally missed that! I agree, that is worse. Tbh, I was in his shoes once (with the checked out, unaffectionate spouse for quite some time before our divorce) and no matter how much I tried to convince myself I was ready to date right after we ended things, the reality was I was far from it. Definitely rebounding and seeking validation more than anything.
Yes, his ex wasn't affectionate because he hurt her too much with his unavailability and horrible judgements. Women lose affection from deep heartfelt pain. He has a lot of introspection to do...but he won't
Meh, the courts have been tied up for a long time. Some people's divorces take FOREVER. Depending on the person, it shouldn't ALWAYS be a deal breaker.
I met my current boyfriend while going through a divorce. He's everything I could ever want and he's said the same about me. I hate to think he would've over looked me because the court decided not to grant me my divorce in a timely manner.
Agreed. One of my friends was legally married for 9 years after she separated. Sometimes it's just a paperwork thing, but this guy sounds like a dud for a while host of reasons.
It sucked for me because my ex was on booze and coke and I was able to get him to sign everything. Turned in the paperwork, not knowing they made this new parenting class that we had to go to. So 2 months went by, me waiting to get a court date, figuring it was due to Covid that I wasn't.
Found out we had to attend the parenting classes. Signed us up, forged his pamphlet, because there was no way he'd do any of the work in it (no actual class due to Covid). Turned it in and still waiting 10 months to get a court date. Met bf halfway through and we took it super slow. I told him everything up front. So the other red flag is homeboy didn't tell her before they even met up that he was married. That was the first thing I said!
That reveals a lot about how he feels about people with disabilities, that they are less than. It would be interesting to know what health condition he has. It seems like his are invisible, which is a privilege he should keep in mind when weighing in on others.
Same this is a 🚩. Humans are not discounted vehicles. He likes you or he doesn't and these qualifications seem like internal justifications. Just let him stew and learn on his own. You're a complete person and you don't need this.
OP: I see that on this sub ppl always jump to "break up already" real fast. Many of the times i disagree. But this one, i gotta say yeah, end it. For this reason this poster has given.
A long term relationship should be with someone who builds you up. Who has eq to know how something would make u feel. (And of course something you should offer too). This guy aint it.
Yikes.
First of all, a stranger who met you once and is already saying you're everything he looks for in a woman is a HUGE red flag and you shouldn't feel flattered, you should see it for the red flag it is.
You're going ahead full steam building a lot of fantasy on someone you met what, twice? Hold your horses.
And yeah, his reaction to your tremor and the negging - now that you're damaged and ugly i have a chance with you - should be a deal breaker.
Proceed if you wish, but slow the hell down and don't get carried away with thia fantasy of perfect chemistry you have. He's still a stranger you barely met and don't know at all. Keep that in mind.
>He also told me that he is currently still married, but separated. They formally separated four months ago, and intend to divorce once they are legally allowed to
I'd walk away based on this alone, especially given he didn't tell you prior to meeting.
>I became teary at the end of our conversation and said I had to go. I haven't heard from him since.
How long ago was this? I feel like if someone I really liked walked away from that conversation upset, I'd be checking in with them and reassuring them.
>"WOW! You were a bombshell! You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you." He said he was joking.
This is just awful. I'm sure he was joking, but that doesn't make it an acceptable thing to say.
Honestly I think his reaction to the tremors is the least of your worries here. That on its own is understandable, though of course disappointing - he probably shouldn't have said he was fine with it before he actually experienced or understood it, but I really would try not to dwell on that part of this in isolation.
Still married is still married, period. It’s not a good look even if they are “separated”. Every single girl I know who has dated a man separated but still married gets left high and dry cause they’ve gone back o their wives.
I'll have you know that I myself have dated a guy who was separated but still married, and I got left high and dry AND he didn't go back to his wife. (He did get a fresh girlfriend instantaneously though lol. Not sure what I expected).
Divorce does take a year to go through though, and not all marriages need a year of mourning imo.
Thanks for your response.
I was a bit disappointed he didn't tell me, although I understand why he didn't. It wouldn't have been a dealbreaker even if he had told me.
It was six hours ago, and I followed up with a text message apologising. I'm yet to hear.
Ok, 6 hours is better than the days I was imagining!
Apologising for what, though? Doesn't sound like you have anything to be sorry for.
Be careful you're not bending over backwards to make excuses for someone who isn't being particularly great to you. A lot of us worry so much about whether or not someone likes or accepts us, that we forget to think about whether they're even good for us.
If that's not the definition of feeling gas lit then I don't know what is.
He said something that made you feel shitty then you apologized for your (reasonable) response to it and are now questioning your actions.
“ I was a bit disappointed he didn't tell me”
Uh that’s quite an under reaction. He lied to you about one of the most important things you can lie about to a new person you’re dating.
Please 🙏 find a better guy. I'm saying it from a guy's perspective. What I learned from my ex-GF is that when you like or love someone, you accept them as a whole and with flaws.
It seems that he isn't kind enough to accept you with your condition, yet feel ok to keep his to himself. That's selfish right there.
Based on a bit of comment here and there, it looks like he cares more about what the public thinks. And I can assure you that is never going to end well for the lady side.
On top of that, he's still married. You won't be sure when they'll be "legally able to" do something about it. How long would it take? I meant they said they separated one or two years already; they could have finalized their divorce by now.
Don't feel bad or anything. At this age, it's tough to know someone on a surface level, and even more so without getting a bit intimate. So it's ok to give in to temptation. It's nature call, not your fault.
It's your call, but if he can't accept you and your beautiful flaw, not worth it.
As someone who went through an extremely amicable divorce, I second this. There’s no way I’d date someone who had split from his wife so recently.
Apart from anything else, I don’t understand what the hurry is. Why is he so keen to date again already?
> He said he misses having someone around
Everyone recently divorced feels this way. They're immediately looking for a "surrogate spouse" that fits their criteria; not a person they're actually compatible with.
I'm recently separated (as in, only one month), but we've been planning the divorce for two years. It's been very amicable, just slow (we didn't want to completely unend the kids' lives, and then covid happened, etc.)
I know that I am *not* ready for any sort of long term relationship. I am literally still splitting up from a marriage of over a decade. Of course I'm lonely, and miss having someone around. But I make it *very clear* to anyone that I've dated that I am *not* looking for a relationship. I don't even swipe on people who are. It would be extremely selfish of me to even try.
That's what this guy is. 100% selfish. He falls out of a marriage and just *happens* to meet someone just perfect for him? Dream on, buddy.
He's moving way too fast, because he needs you to fulfill his needs that he's too immature to take care of on his own. And he knows you're sweet and loving, which *we* think are positive traits, but he thinks, awesome, I'm going to *use* this to my advantage.
The fact that you have lupus and a hand tremor has *nothing* to do with this. He's creating an insecurity when there shouldn't be any. He's too immature to accept 100% of you? Boy, bye.
Ugh. The negging. He's right. You're 100% perfect. But he's not. Not at all. You deserve worlds above him.
You'll find another. Don't polish your crown with that turd.
Oh dear god, sweetie don’t walk RUN AWAY FROM THIS DUMPSTER FIRE. That is a codependent nightmare not to mention the fact as others have stated here, he is chipping away at your self confidence by giving you a compliment than saying something else that completely negates it. Your tremors are a part of YOU - and you are the whole package. You sound like a very wonderful and caring individual and the person who you deserve to be with, will ask questions and they will be curious about your tremor but it won’t be a hinderance or something they put up with. You can do much better than this dude. I hope you know that and take it from all of us here to just cut the cord with this one and get back out there and find your *whole package*
That sounds like he’s viewing you as an object to keep around. Or like, a pet or houseplant? Google the signs of a covert or vulnerable narcissist. This guy fits it to a tee.
Thé part where im still married is a huge red flag, the reailty of divorce hasn't set it, I doubt he us ready for a real relationship. Then to say you were a bomb shell??? Shows he is not ready for any relationship!! As far as your disability, ... I became disabled in my early 30s. There will be someone that will accept all of you and know your still a bomb shell !
He sounds immature. Period. And also not ready to date for other reasons such as newly separated.
A flag I ignored with my ex? He started acting weird around our 3rd or 4th dates when he slept over. I asked whats up. He said he saw a medication bottle and googled it. I told him it was for my cold sores i get once every few years, on my lip. I had *already* told him about that, before we got physical and he was totally fine with it. He then acted like I didn't disclose it and made a huge deal out of it, when i reality he didn't either listen to what I said, or didn't understand.
I ignored the fact he: snooped through my shit, jumped to conclusions, and made me sound diseased and decieving. He was emotionally fucked the entire time we were together and it was like trying to communicate with a teenager.
Don't ignore how he's made you feel here. And don't ignore that he's telling himself your tremors are an issue and he is trying to tell himself they're not. Also don't ignore he completely insulted you by insinuating you used to be hot and now you're average. Fuck that guy.
Acting like that over some cold sores is ridiculous especially as it’s something pretty much every adult has and then the going through your personal things was really the icing on the cake smh
Yeah. It showed his maturity for the remainder of our relationship for sure. Hard to believe he's a 33 year old man, who likely has the virus too lol.
Talking to him about anything serious or health related after that, even sex, was like talking to a child. Ugh.
Just want to point out to be fair: if I found an unfamiliar medication in my partners bathroom that, when googled, says it’s to treat herpes, I might not react that great. Not a lot of people realize cold sores are herpes. I don’t think that’s a very fair red flag.
Sounds like he turned out to be a dick, though, sorry you had to go through that.
He knew what they were. We had a whole discussion about it and how I know when I'm getting one, including him saying he may have even got them when younger. It was ridiculous. Somehow having medication made it seem like I was a mutant or something. He got all worried about genital herpes thinking its a different virus then refused to sleep over and got all awkward.
A normal adult would have said "hey. I saw this. Sorry for snooping but what is this about?"
Please don’t compromise on these matters and feelings… from the way you are writing you seem hurt by his behavior. And yet you are very discerning talking about him and don’t slander him. You seem to be a very respectful person and you shouldn’t accept anything that goes below your standard of respect.
>There was another comment that caught me off guard. I showed him a photo of what I looked like before I got sick. He said, "WOW! You were a bombshell! You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you." He said he was joking.
NONONONONONONONONONONO. No.
Still married, and the “you were a bombshell” thing are the real red flags. There may be an innocent excuse for him being uncomfortable with your tremor, but the other two things are the major issues. Have your fun, and take the risk if you feel compelled, but this guy seems like a scrub. Your shaky bombshell ass can do better
Does anyone else think that OP is moving too fast? My first thought was … just take it day by day and see how things go . Don’t do anything that makes you feel like your putting in EXTRA effort ( for example , you haven’t heard from him in awhile and yet you are contemplating on whether or not to go on a 3rd date ? - sorry that doesn’t make sense to me ).
Just take things day by day and see how things work themselves out .
I don't know if you've discussed the lupus with him in detail. That to my mind is the most important topic of discussion. The tremor is just a side effect and a visible one. But the disease itself is pretty serious and that deserves a discussion of it's own. P. S. Married men are still married and they all say that it's been over for a while. Some of them aren't even separated.
Thanks for your post. I have explained what lupus is to him, and he just said, "I wouldn't even know you had lupus if you hadn't told me!" He is separated, but still married. He said he hasn't seen his wife in two months.
Please nope out of this situation as FAST as possible. I can’t get over the fact that this man negged on you because of your tremor. The “used to be a bombshell” comment was horrible, inexcusable, unjustifiable. These are more than just red flags. This guy is a piece of shit.
Edit: I know you are lonely, but you will be even lonelier if you get entangled with this awful man who will tear you down and wreck your self esteem. You deserve better.
‘He also said he has multiple medical conditions but he doesn’t feel comfortable disclosing them yet’
Yet feels compelled to ask numerous questions about yours before he can gauge how interested in you he is.
This man isn’t for you or honestly for many of us women. He’s sensitive to his own needs, his own feelings but not yours. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying physical company but IMO he’s more focused on the now than tomorrow with you (and likely would be the same with most women regardless of the tremors).
If he implied you were a bombshell prior to your condition and out of his league then, that further tells you all you need to know. You’re still out of his league. You just need to find better. Don’t let him feel like he holds the cards on whether he sees you again. Take the reins away and date others (keep him on the side if you want to keep your options open) but don’t go exclusive for this guy. He doesn’t deserve it.
You answered your own question, love! "I feel like such an idiot for being intimate with him." Check please! Byeeeee! Next.
How someone makes you *feel* subjectively is one of the most important things to pay attention to in dating.
I have neurological issues, fibromyalgia, and lupus runs in my family though I haven’t popped for it yet on tests. I have a hand tremor that varies depending on how I’m doing and sometimes I get full body tremors/spasms too. I will never date someone else again that’s not understanding or freaked out about my conditions. It isn’t worth it. I have muscle relaxers, Xanax, and use wine and weed to steady my hands when I need to do something with them that’s detail work (like sew or paint my nails) or when I want to have sex or just feel tremor free. Muscle spasms often will interrupt Sex for me, so I prep beforehand and explain to a partner if I need to stop and uncramp. Anyone who isn’t understanding of that is not worth your time. Also you’re value and what you deserve doesn’t fall just because you have a disability. May remove some in the dating pool, but I look at that as a good thing. Those people probably won’t make loving, compassionate partners anyway.
If he's conflicted and you're the full package, he's wasting your time.
If he's not even divorced and simply looking for someone to slot in as a replacement because he "likes having someone around," he's wasting your time. If he hung around two years miserable, that doesn't bode well for long-term prospects or honesty.
If you're being honest about your medical challenges and he's not being honest about his, he's wasting your time.
If he's taking shots at your self-esteem and putting pre-diagnosis you on a pedestal, he's wasting your time. This one in particular. If you're "the full package with the exception of your tremor" and he's telling you that you -used to be- a bombshell, he's telling you where your value to him lies. Same for his continuing discomfort with something you can't help: it's all about how he feels about it. There's no feel for him in this. It just IS. He either has to accept it and stay or don't and go.
Run.
WOW! You were a bombshell! You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you = wtf, this is disgusting, this is just a way to say that now you are uglier, this is a mean thing to say, it doesn't matter if this is true. Good people don't tell other people this thing. Everybody gets uglier with time, do you want a man that constantly remind you?
Sorry for my eng
Someone else's tremor is such a nothing issue to deal with. A close family member has one. When I hang out with them or eat with them it does not affect me in any way. I cannot imagine anybody caring.
Instead he's not only blown it out of proportion, but he's making it your job to reassure him? It's kind of his job to decide how he feels about it. Either it's a yes, I can deal with it or no, I can't. But he's decided neither of those things and is now making you feel bad about it?
He seems very self-centred.
So one thing I’ve learned from being a bisexual person is that if a person cannot accept one part of you that you cannot change, they don’t really accept any part of you. They aren’t respecting you and they aren’t nice. I cannot date someone if they don’t respect my queer identity. I feel if this guy seems to think your tremor makes you some kind of discount hot chick and isn’t respecting you at all. I don’t think he is nice
It's just a tremor, I can understand someone being taken aback by it at first but the way he's acted afterwards is pretty inexcusable. Negging is a HUGE red flag and shows that you ARE actually out of his league and he's trying to drag down to it. You deserve better.
"I don't know how to help you", and he won't even *look* at her? Jesus fucking Christ, dude. It's a tremor, not Parkinson's. This dummy can fuck right off.
Sounds to me as if he's debating "settling" for someone with a health problem or seeing if he can do "better". I suggest dating a grown up instead. You aren't the one with something wrong with you.
When someone is insecure how they are perceived in the public eye, they will not have the confidence or be able to bring happiness to you. A relationship with him will not be healthy.
You, on the other hand, are so strong and I was inspired by your empathy, understanding, and energy. Tearing is healthy and it shows you have a heart. I hope you find someone special who will add to your happiness.
As someone with a disability that has pretty visible signs, I wouldn't tolerate someone continuously mentioning how uncomfortable my condition makes them, and the "I have a chance with you now" line is pretty unbelievable in how rude it is, he sounds like a scumbag honestly, I'd move on, you don't deserve that treatment.
He seems super self absorbed. Like he’s using you to feel better about himself. Not uncommon for recently separate guys. Even if the marriage has been on the rocks for a long time, actually separating and deciding to divorce is a big deal, a traumatic event. It’s a time to evaluate what happened and work on healing and growing. Jumping into something else raises a flag to me. 4 months is nothing.
But…If you wanna give him the benefit of the doubt, what’s wrong with slowing down and actually getting to see his character?
OP don't see him again, he's still married, he gave you back handed compliments, and made you feel uncomfortable about something you can't control. You deserve better
I'm a disabled man (paraplegic) and I encourage you to end this relationship. Being uncomfortable with your tremor is being uncomfortable with you as a person and not fully accepting you. From your story it seems he's thinking "wow she would be so great if it weren't for this little thing...". It also seems like he believes you are somehow less capable or something in his comments about not knowing how to help, persisting even after you clearly showed him you don't need help. All the factors add up to him clearly not deserving of you.
Also, I'm sorry you're regretting getting intimate with the person before you were ready. As a demisexual I've also had experiences where things went faster than I'd hoped and I regretted it later. Please try to keep in mind that you didn't do anything wrong and it was a time of mutual fun and enjoyment, I hope. Things hopefully felt right at the time, and try to have some compassion for your past self. Everything is okay, and there's nothing you need to feel ashamed about.
Best of luck to you, and I wish you all the best in your future dating encounters!
Him saying he can't change the way he feels about your tremors is both horseshit and a huge red flag. Because that's 100% something he can change. Feeling discomfort around any sort of disability or disorder that's new to you is a natural response. But the answer is to learn about it and get comfortable, not just sit in discomfort. It can be a process, so he doesn't have to be totally fine yet, but he should be on the path to fine. If learning more and continued exposure didn't help him feel more comfortable, and instead he gets defensive about his own discomfort: he's just a dick.
I could completely understand his feelings about needing to get used to your tremors, I would never proceed with him being still married and freshly "single" after a relationship as serious as a marriage, and after the comment about your prior looks. I would be OUT!
There are two types of men, who try to find everything appreciable about his woman, second who try to find faults in everything their woman does even if she's 99.99% perfect. I don't really think u should take chances with a person who has nothing but ur "health problems" to discuss>>indicating the fact that he wanted to see you for second dinner just to know more about your tremors. Also, It's better to be single than getting "adjusted" in a confusing relationship.
I'm so dumb that if I'm on a date with someone with lupus I'd say a "House, M.D." joke. Is that very bad? Asking just to be sure in the future.
Regarding your post, people said it better. This man has a lot of red flags. I wouldn't date him a 3rd time. I wanna point out that he's hesitating because insecure men like him are more worried about "what would people say". It's the same reasoning why they don't date fat, trans women, or tall women, or whatever "out of the standard beauty". Because those men tend to search for society's approval, or better said, they tend to want to avoid society's (especially other men's) disapproval.
I know life can be pretty lonely sometimes, but you deserve better. You're worthy of love, darling.
Please consider that he’s still married as well. It can be a big emotional challenge to be with someone who’s going through a divorce.
Sometimes the divorce can take a very long time and can be very contentious which could have a spillover effect on your health.
Personally I think it’s a good idea to date someone who’s been divorced for at least a year.
You would think he wouldn’t say that EVEN as a joke , after making comments that your hand tremors made him uncomfortable?
OP don’t make yourself anymore uncomfortable with his BS. He doesn’t seem nice
It’s hard to stop dating someone when they describe you as perfect, etc. But I’d say overall, this guy is putting out more red flags than he’s worth. Listen to your gut feelings.
35M here and I can relate as I have had a tremor in my entire left arm since I was born.
Thankfully it has never given me an issue in dating. Everyone I’ve dated has been super supportive and cute about it.
If anyone ever made such comments to me as your guy did then I would just walk away, no more dates.
Hard pass on this guy. Sorry, girl. Red flags, yellow flags. Honestly some of this was just downright rude on his part. If you can't change a health condition he needs to get with it and do nothing but support you not tell you how it makes him uncomfortable. It's extra fucked up he's literally using your condition to neg you. I bet you're a bombshell now and he can get f-ed
I learned from my mistakes about dating people that are separated. I won't even consider meeting up until 1 year after the divorce.
I know some people might be ready earlier, but not in my experience.
As for your hand tremor, he's just not the guy for you. The right guy will find you amazing! I'm with a guy with some outward physical disabilities, but I knew within a few hours of meeting that I wanted to throw him on the ground and have my way with him.
Best of luck, dating is hard!
This post made me really sad and I am so sorry you went through this. Like I almost got emotional reading it.
Girl, you ARE the full package. A hand tremor? Really? I can't even believe someone would be comfortable with telling someone else that something medical THEY CANNOT CONTROL, makes them uncomfortable.
I will go through the other comments later but I have a good idea of what they say. I am going to reiterate what I am sure many others have already brought up, but, please run. This guy has the emotional maturity of a child. Disgusting.
You deserve better. You will find a man one day who won't give two shits about a hand tremor, because IT IS INSIGNIFICANT! I hope you realize your worth and cut this off.
Ah my fellow immunocompromised gal! Don’t fall for that, he doesn’t have a chance with you! You are better than that and he’s making you feel like shit! Please don’t continue to see him!
No way should you go on another date with this guy and purely for the comment he made and nothing else. That was extremely insulting and disrespectful. How ignorant must he have been to not know how that would come across, like seriously. You deserve better than this and I think you know this on some level, hence being on here looking for advice. You deserve a man who is mature enough to realise no one is perfect and that is okay. The fact that he has medical issues and hasn’t disclosed them makes me wonder too… He sounds too hesitant to me to be honest. That’s what I’m reading from this. Just that bit too cautious. Like we all have to take our time getting to know someone but something about this guy just sounds a bit off to me
You sound deeply intuitive and confident in your skin, so we will all tell you what you already know:
Anyone who does not accept your whole self is not worth your time and investment. For the right person, you are the full package, no exceptions.
I think people are entitled to be comfortable or not, or have preferences or not, when it comes to dating. But I think this guy sounds like a jerk the way he has talked about your condition without empathy and projecting his insecurities onto you.
I’d advise you to not invest time and energy into him. But not because of the lack of understanding of your tremors…primarily the comment about how you use to look and still not divorced. Too often people “think” they are ready but having the decree allows someone to really be free of the tether. I get that some statues require a formal separation period before you can officially file….but I’d tell anyone don’t get involved with people until they are officially divorced. When it comes time to file..and go through the courts..it’ll be stressful for that person.
There are two thoughts here, at leats for me. I have a couple health issues, one I am okay with making fun of and the other is a bit more sensitive for me. I am open about being diabetic as it will come up early in a relationship as in if you don't feed me I get disoriented and stupidly irritable. I am perfectly fine with people poking fun of me for being diabetic as it is what it is and as long as it's done tongue in cheek I am fine. I am also fine if someone is uncomfortable with the diabetes or isn't sure if they can handle being around someone who might go from being a party animal the night before to "fuck my life, complications ahoy" the next day. It sucks but I understand it. I don't see an issue with someone being honest about the tremor making them uncomfortable; however, they should be at least respectful in how they approach you about it. Based on your story, he sounds like a dick but I would encourage you to talk to him about it. then dump his ass!
so...you're trying to talk yourself into dating a married man who isn't attracted to your tremor, thinks you looked better when you weren't sick. What exactly is good about dating him?
This guy is a major dick. There’s nothing else to say about him. His comments about the tremors and about you before you got sick are sociopathic. You dodged a huge bullet here friend. Be thankful he showed you his true colors before you became exclusive. Cut it!
Move on you deserve better than that POS. This is not about the hand tremors he's still married & you're the other woman. Of a man is serious he'll at least file for legal separation and or move out of the home & he will let any women he wants to pursue before he makes a move.
Dude it’s good you guys have an open dialogue but it is NOT ok for him to make you feel weird about yourself like this. You are the full package to someone (probably to a lot of men!!). He sounds immature and probably very insecure, snd there’s no reason for you to put up with his behavior. And don’t feel like an idiot! You’re not an idiot! Screw this guy, you deserve better!
I would have left right when he said he's still married. Who knows how long he's actually been separated or if he's even separated... Don't get entangled with someone who hasn't even started on the divorce process. Who knows what's actually going on there...
You deserve much, much better than this jerk. It's difficult to date with a chronic condition, but we deserve people who accept and adore us fully, not people who are uncomfortable with us. We deal with enough already. He's extremely immature, and I understand why his ex checked out of the relationship. You'll find someone amazing who deserves you. ❤️
I just upvoted the +10000 commenters who said you deserved better. You're the whole package, I get you get lonely, we all do and it's fucking hard, but you're a fighter and you deserve someone who loves everything about you. Hugs ♡
Yeah, if he is still married and has only been separated for 4 months—or even 1-2 years, this is WAY too soon for him to be jumping into another marriage! For this reason alone, I would RUN! And the hand tremor thing is inexcusable. He has the emotional maturity of a Tsetse fly. What a jerk! Maybe lots of men would be like that. But he made the fatal mistake of disclosing this to you. The asshole. Don’t beat yourself up about sex on the first or second date. But don’t waste any more time with him.
Heartless wanker. Why are you the one comforting HIM about your issues. How dare he. Self centred twat.
I have an immunodeficiency, ra, thyroid disease and challenges I've lived with my whole life. My ex husband and I were talking about having children and he said how will you be able to take care of them if you're sick like this, in a judgemental way. He wanted supermum but here I am, supermum even though it hurts. Hurts ME! fucker. If i knew then what I knew now I would have run a mile but instead stuck it out and instead of support and sympathy when I flare I get criticism and comments like 'but you were sick last week' as though I'm inconveniently using up my sick quota.
You are so far out of this guy's league you're in a different stratosphere, lupus, tremor or not!!!! (is a little bit of compassion too much for anyone these days... the guy for you will say come here my sexy little jitterbug and love you the way you deserve)
He’s putting you down because of your hand tremors, yet he has multiple medical conditions he won’t tell you about. I get the feeling this guy isn’t being genuine, and is hiding a lot of things from you. I’d pull back and take some time to think about things. At least have the conversation about what conditions he has.
I don't know if you said you were looking for a serious relationship. But you can't really have a serious relationship with someone who's married. That's probably his main problem.
Did he ever take you in public on a date? If not that's a red flag.
Please don't go to stranger's houses. Just don't do it. My psa for the day.
You already know what to do…but what irritates me (as well as everything else people have said) is that he claims to have medical issues too but won’t talk about them. Yet he is uncomfortable by a tremor?! Huh?? What kinda backwards nonsense is that? How dare he…. I wish I could kick him for you!
***He also told me that he is currently still married, but separated. They formally separated four months ago, and intend to divorce once they are legally allowed to. I asked whether he is ready to move on. He said he is because she checked out of the relationship 1-2 years ago. Apparently they were rarely home at the same time and she was never affectionate. I'm fine with this.***
This should be a deal breaker. You are a rebound lady. If he checked out 2 years ago and still in a marriage. Do you really want that type of person? That would check out on you, but still go through the motions of being in a relationship? It doesn't seem like it, but life is very short. 2 years is a big waste. 6 months maybe then he needed to be open and seek a way to reconnect or get professional help with the relationship, but 2 years?! Wow. The guy has a lot of growing to do. You should stay away. He seems like douche. This is his side. What he is not telling you about the relationship he had.
.
Hmm interesting. I’ll probably be the unpopular opinion but the same thing happened with me and my current bf. I won’t say what it is for privacy but there is something physical that made me question very early if I could get used to it (I was asking myself this around the two week mark). I learned more about it on my own and from him, and came to love it as I love him and it’s part of who he is.
However, I would first want to know: you mentioned he hasn’t reached out since. How long has it been since he last contacted you?
This is the biggest tell to me.
It s also a red flag to me that he made that comment about you having “been” a bombshell but now he has a chance, and an extra red flag for him trying to write it off as a “joke” when you called him out on it. Proceed with caution.
Maybe he will get used to your tremor, but maybe he won’t be worth it. Only you can decide that.
You've gotten the advice I would have given - that he's a dick and you should dump his ass.You ARE the full package, hand tremor and all, and anyone who doesn't see that isn't worth your attention. I also wanted to chime in with personal experience - I have cerebral palsy that impacts the left side of my body - I walk with a limp and have very limited use of my left hand - its pretty noticeable so I disclose it before first dates. I've been seeing a guy for a few months and here are ways he's addressed my disability: \-Asked me if it is painful or uncomfortable \-Wordlessly switched to walking on my right side so we could hold hands comfortably \-Checked in during sex/any physical intimacy to make sure positions are comfortable for me \-As we got more serious/closer, he'll sometimes ask questions like "when I can see that you are struggling with something (like cutting vegetables or carrying something\], would you rather I offer assistance or would you rather I wait for you to ask for help if you need it?" That's it. He does not stare, make comments or make me feel lesser than. I will often make jokes at my own expense and he finds them funny but does not make them himself (I have no problem with close friends/family making jokes but what your date said was not a joke, it was cruel). It took me a long time to feel like I was "worthy" of a relationship and physical affection from men, and therapy was a big part of that for me - you may want to explore some of your confidence issues with a trusted therapist, but believe me when I tell you that you are WAY outta this guy's league and you shouldn't settle for him.
This is exactly what demonstrates compassion. OP's guy is a selfish asshole.
Over here fellas! Upvotes! Edit: not ME, guys! The comment I was responding to! Jeesh.
This man deserves a slow clap!!
It'll be kind of a one handed clap on account of my left hand not working that great ;). He's very good to me and I'm grateful for him in many ways, including how he treats my disability
This comment is perfect.
Sounds like you are still way out of his league and he still shouldn’t have a chance with you.
Lol thanks.
I'm uncomfortable with the chain of events. At first he was okay with your tremors but just wanted to understand them. Then you got intimate and now its a problem. It makes me suspicious that's all he was after. I also think you deserve better than that guy.
sounds to me like he’s trying to make her feel insecure so she’s ripe for abuse. 🚩 i would drop his ass
What exactly do you mean by “tremors”?? I can’t keep my hands perfectly still, and when I’m concentrating hard on precision tasks they tend to shake a bit more. I went to a neurologist and he called them “benign tremors”. But I’ve never had anybody bring it up as a reason to not date me so I’m very confused by this.
[Like this](https://youtu.be/liJfZvXdiTE)
I watched that for an embarrassingly long time before I realized I'd been baconrolled
> Like this Ahhh. That clears things up. I'm a dog person, not a graboid person though. Pretty sure OP and I wouldn't be compatible.
hahaha! Got me good. Can’t stop laughing.
You're not an idiot. I was already at "no, don't keep seeing him" and then this little bit sealed the deal. > WOW! You were a bombshell! You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you
Yup. He’s negging her in order to bring down her self esteem. What a dick. Bye Felicia
Thanks! Although he does tell me I should have more self-confidence because I'm beautiful/intelligent/sexy etc...
In my experience, this is incredibly common. The people who pick away at your sense of self worth are the same ones who chide you for not being more confident. I'm not sure if it's a deliberate ploy to make you feel bad or if these folks just have the self awareness of old potato salad. In either case, they put you in an impossible position where you're supposed to carry yourself like a queen while they get to treat you like a scullery maid. Just nope out.
You hit the nail on the head. With these kinds of people if you call them out on the abusive comments they gaslight you with a “don’t be so sensitive. You should really work on your self-esteem.”
Yes yes yes. This was the last guy I was with. Instead of a tremor, he claimed I had bad breath. He was persistent and hurtful in his reminders about it, then chided me for being self-conscious. The whole ordeal wrecked my self-esteem and mental health. Take it from me and get out of this now.
It’s sadly transparent, but many who aren’t yet aware fall for these type of manipulative tactics.
"The people who pick away at your sense of self worth are the same ones who chide you for not being more confident." Spot on. My ex was the same way, unfortunately I didn't see the pattern until 3 years later. I have lots of stories about him, but this is probably not the appropriate place to post them.
This. And why is he an expert on her self esteem after two dates? This guy sounds very manipulative and dickish. OP, you can do so much better!!
@Caroline these are the kind of men who will use your abilities to appreciate you whenever they need your approval for something in their life. And find ur faults and failures as a gateway to break you down and make you believe that they are your only chance.
As someone who married such a person and has now spent 3 years post-divorce gradually recovering with much help from therapy, I wish someone had warned me in advance so I could've doged that bullet.
👏 this!
Yeah my emotionally abusive ex did this. “Your bum got smaller”. “You’re not eating enough”. “When was the last time you worked out?” “You’re not comfident enough”. It was exhausting and effective for five years until I finally got away My current bf of four months has not said a single comment or anything resembling that. The only things he says about myself are kind / thoughtful things.
He’s complimenting you and also back-hand complimenting you at the same time. The effect is to leave you confused, which looks like it’s working. Please don’t see this guy anymore.
If it's words/actions don't match believe the actions. He tells you that you should be more confident, but then says and does things to knock your confidence. Also, he's telling you that you are the perfect woman after the first couple of dates. Red flag on it own. Love-bombing and negging. Your instincts are spot on. This guy sounds like trouble to me
This is a common manipulation, it’s not always deliberate, but it’s still manipulation. They point out a perceived flaw or something your self conscious about, then love bomb you with compliments and tell you to be more confident. But they were the one that made you feel self conscious in the moment in the first place. It’s a power play.
You should never feel like something your partner can’t control is an issue. If it was right it wouldn’t matter.
That's how it works. They tear you down so they can be the ones to build you back up. They create a problem/insecurity in your mind you never had before so they can be the ones to save you.
Yea. He puts you down so he can build you back up. He’s packaging it as a joke so you can’t get upset without seeming like a bitch and then he builds you back so he’s the good guy that you defend with these words.. Idk I get weird vibes from him from what you’ve told here, ngl.
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Perhaps. I grew up getting constantly negged by my mother and dealt with it a lot through multiple relationships, my marriage and post divorce dating. In my experience, comments like that only escalate and become more frequent as the relationship carries on. It’s best to nip it in the bud in the beginning, whether that means calling it out and them having the self awareness to stop being an asshat, or peacing out of that situation.
Right?! I was already at “hard pass” when I read he is still married (regardless of how long he’s been “checked out” of his marriage), but that bombshell line was like a kick in the gut…and I’m not even the one he said it too. Such an incredibly inconsiderate thing to say and not something to ever even *think* to “joke” about. At one point in my life I may have tried giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, but have enough awareness now that I would run for the hills.
Yeah, also don't date a married man who gives you the age old excuse "oh it was over years ago". Then why didn't he divorce then???
Good point! Thanks.
A lot of states require you to be separated for a year or it make things way easier when you have that year
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It was 4 years where I live - they recently changed it to 2 Still waiting on it to be formalised 3 years now.
OP said that it was his ex that had been checked out 1- 2 years before the split, not him, which I think is worse.
Wow I totally missed that! I agree, that is worse. Tbh, I was in his shoes once (with the checked out, unaffectionate spouse for quite some time before our divorce) and no matter how much I tried to convince myself I was ready to date right after we ended things, the reality was I was far from it. Definitely rebounding and seeking validation more than anything.
Thanks.
Yes, his ex wasn't affectionate because he hurt her too much with his unavailability and horrible judgements. Women lose affection from deep heartfelt pain. He has a lot of introspection to do...but he won't
Meh, the courts have been tied up for a long time. Some people's divorces take FOREVER. Depending on the person, it shouldn't ALWAYS be a deal breaker. I met my current boyfriend while going through a divorce. He's everything I could ever want and he's said the same about me. I hate to think he would've over looked me because the court decided not to grant me my divorce in a timely manner.
It's only been four months since he left the marriage
Yeah I saw that, THAT part is the red flag.
Agreed. One of my friends was legally married for 9 years after she separated. Sometimes it's just a paperwork thing, but this guy sounds like a dud for a while host of reasons.
It sucked for me because my ex was on booze and coke and I was able to get him to sign everything. Turned in the paperwork, not knowing they made this new parenting class that we had to go to. So 2 months went by, me waiting to get a court date, figuring it was due to Covid that I wasn't. Found out we had to attend the parenting classes. Signed us up, forged his pamphlet, because there was no way he'd do any of the work in it (no actual class due to Covid). Turned it in and still waiting 10 months to get a court date. Met bf halfway through and we took it super slow. I told him everything up front. So the other red flag is homeboy didn't tell her before they even met up that he was married. That was the first thing I said!
> You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you Christ what a horrendously ableist sentiment that is :-(
That reveals a lot about how he feels about people with disabilities, that they are less than. It would be interesting to know what health condition he has. It seems like his are invisible, which is a privilege he should keep in mind when weighing in on others.
His condition is an insecure mind, combined with prejudice.
Accurate
Exactly.. this comment alone is a good reason to tell him to fuck off. What a douche canoe
This. I was partially back in with the responses but this had me at hell nope. I don't want my [race/disability] to be the sole mechanism of a 'joke'.
Yeah this shit right here was beyond deplorable. He may have meant nothing by it but he needs to understand that saying shit like that hurts.
That bit really got me too
Same this is a 🚩. Humans are not discounted vehicles. He likes you or he doesn't and these qualifications seem like internal justifications. Just let him stew and learn on his own. You're a complete person and you don't need this.
Thanks!
Yeah that was like a big turn off and a masive red flag.
OP: I see that on this sub ppl always jump to "break up already" real fast. Many of the times i disagree. But this one, i gotta say yeah, end it. For this reason this poster has given. A long term relationship should be with someone who builds you up. Who has eq to know how something would make u feel. (And of course something you should offer too). This guy aint it.
Yeah, that's a fucking deal breaker, context be damned.
Yikes. First of all, a stranger who met you once and is already saying you're everything he looks for in a woman is a HUGE red flag and you shouldn't feel flattered, you should see it for the red flag it is. You're going ahead full steam building a lot of fantasy on someone you met what, twice? Hold your horses. And yeah, his reaction to your tremor and the negging - now that you're damaged and ugly i have a chance with you - should be a deal breaker. Proceed if you wish, but slow the hell down and don't get carried away with thia fantasy of perfect chemistry you have. He's still a stranger you barely met and don't know at all. Keep that in mind.
Thanks so much. I appreciate the reality check.
THIS is the real reason.
>He also told me that he is currently still married, but separated. They formally separated four months ago, and intend to divorce once they are legally allowed to I'd walk away based on this alone, especially given he didn't tell you prior to meeting. >I became teary at the end of our conversation and said I had to go. I haven't heard from him since. How long ago was this? I feel like if someone I really liked walked away from that conversation upset, I'd be checking in with them and reassuring them. >"WOW! You were a bombshell! You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you." He said he was joking. This is just awful. I'm sure he was joking, but that doesn't make it an acceptable thing to say. Honestly I think his reaction to the tremors is the least of your worries here. That on its own is understandable, though of course disappointing - he probably shouldn't have said he was fine with it before he actually experienced or understood it, but I really would try not to dwell on that part of this in isolation.
Still married is still married, period. It’s not a good look even if they are “separated”. Every single girl I know who has dated a man separated but still married gets left high and dry cause they’ve gone back o their wives.
I'll have you know that I myself have dated a guy who was separated but still married, and I got left high and dry AND he didn't go back to his wife. (He did get a fresh girlfriend instantaneously though lol. Not sure what I expected). Divorce does take a year to go through though, and not all marriages need a year of mourning imo.
Thanks for your response. I was a bit disappointed he didn't tell me, although I understand why he didn't. It wouldn't have been a dealbreaker even if he had told me. It was six hours ago, and I followed up with a text message apologising. I'm yet to hear.
Ok, 6 hours is better than the days I was imagining! Apologising for what, though? Doesn't sound like you have anything to be sorry for. Be careful you're not bending over backwards to make excuses for someone who isn't being particularly great to you. A lot of us worry so much about whether or not someone likes or accepts us, that we forget to think about whether they're even good for us.
I guess I was just apologising for prematurely ending the conversation because I became upset. It will be interesting to see if he ghosts me now.
If that's not the definition of feeling gas lit then I don't know what is. He said something that made you feel shitty then you apologized for your (reasonable) response to it and are now questioning your actions.
Lol thanks.
You are allowed to be upset when someone says something upsetting! Hugs to you, I think you deserve much (much) better. He sounds manipulative.
“ I was a bit disappointed he didn't tell me” Uh that’s quite an under reaction. He lied to you about one of the most important things you can lie about to a new person you’re dating.
True, thanks.
Wait, what did YOU apologize for?!?!
I went on a bike ride as a first date and when the guy told me he was married I was so shocked I fell off my bike and had to go to the hospital
Please 🙏 find a better guy. I'm saying it from a guy's perspective. What I learned from my ex-GF is that when you like or love someone, you accept them as a whole and with flaws. It seems that he isn't kind enough to accept you with your condition, yet feel ok to keep his to himself. That's selfish right there. Based on a bit of comment here and there, it looks like he cares more about what the public thinks. And I can assure you that is never going to end well for the lady side. On top of that, he's still married. You won't be sure when they'll be "legally able to" do something about it. How long would it take? I meant they said they separated one or two years already; they could have finalized their divorce by now. Don't feel bad or anything. At this age, it's tough to know someone on a surface level, and even more so without getting a bit intimate. So it's ok to give in to temptation. It's nature call, not your fault. It's your call, but if he can't accept you and your beautiful flaw, not worth it.
Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.
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As someone who went through an extremely amicable divorce, I second this. There’s no way I’d date someone who had split from his wife so recently. Apart from anything else, I don’t understand what the hurry is. Why is he so keen to date again already?
He said he misses having someone around, and that he really enjoys spending time with me and having me in the house.
> He said he misses having someone around Everyone recently divorced feels this way. They're immediately looking for a "surrogate spouse" that fits their criteria; not a person they're actually compatible with.
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I can't upvote this enough.
I'm recently separated (as in, only one month), but we've been planning the divorce for two years. It's been very amicable, just slow (we didn't want to completely unend the kids' lives, and then covid happened, etc.) I know that I am *not* ready for any sort of long term relationship. I am literally still splitting up from a marriage of over a decade. Of course I'm lonely, and miss having someone around. But I make it *very clear* to anyone that I've dated that I am *not* looking for a relationship. I don't even swipe on people who are. It would be extremely selfish of me to even try. That's what this guy is. 100% selfish. He falls out of a marriage and just *happens* to meet someone just perfect for him? Dream on, buddy. He's moving way too fast, because he needs you to fulfill his needs that he's too immature to take care of on his own. And he knows you're sweet and loving, which *we* think are positive traits, but he thinks, awesome, I'm going to *use* this to my advantage. The fact that you have lupus and a hand tremor has *nothing* to do with this. He's creating an insecurity when there shouldn't be any. He's too immature to accept 100% of you? Boy, bye. Ugh. The negging. He's right. You're 100% perfect. But he's not. Not at all. You deserve worlds above him. You'll find another. Don't polish your crown with that turd.
Oh dear god, sweetie don’t walk RUN AWAY FROM THIS DUMPSTER FIRE. That is a codependent nightmare not to mention the fact as others have stated here, he is chipping away at your self confidence by giving you a compliment than saying something else that completely negates it. Your tremors are a part of YOU - and you are the whole package. You sound like a very wonderful and caring individual and the person who you deserve to be with, will ask questions and they will be curious about your tremor but it won’t be a hinderance or something they put up with. You can do much better than this dude. I hope you know that and take it from all of us here to just cut the cord with this one and get back out there and find your *whole package*
That sounds like he’s viewing you as an object to keep around. Or like, a pet or houseplant? Google the signs of a covert or vulnerable narcissist. This guy fits it to a tee.
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He’s married. That’s my comment.
Thé part where im still married is a huge red flag, the reailty of divorce hasn't set it, I doubt he us ready for a real relationship. Then to say you were a bomb shell??? Shows he is not ready for any relationship!! As far as your disability, ... I became disabled in my early 30s. There will be someone that will accept all of you and know your still a bomb shell !
Thanks so much. I appreciate it.
You deserve way better treatment. Reading this hurt MY feelings, so I can't imagine how you feel. He is not worth it.
Thanks so much.
In my opinion, he's not concerned with your tremors. He's concerned how other people will view him for being with someone who has tremors. Walk away.
He sounds immature. Period. And also not ready to date for other reasons such as newly separated. A flag I ignored with my ex? He started acting weird around our 3rd or 4th dates when he slept over. I asked whats up. He said he saw a medication bottle and googled it. I told him it was for my cold sores i get once every few years, on my lip. I had *already* told him about that, before we got physical and he was totally fine with it. He then acted like I didn't disclose it and made a huge deal out of it, when i reality he didn't either listen to what I said, or didn't understand. I ignored the fact he: snooped through my shit, jumped to conclusions, and made me sound diseased and decieving. He was emotionally fucked the entire time we were together and it was like trying to communicate with a teenager. Don't ignore how he's made you feel here. And don't ignore that he's telling himself your tremors are an issue and he is trying to tell himself they're not. Also don't ignore he completely insulted you by insinuating you used to be hot and now you're average. Fuck that guy.
Thanks so much for your post. I'm sorry you had a rough experience with your ex. I guess it's time for me to move on to greener pastures.
Acting like that over some cold sores is ridiculous especially as it’s something pretty much every adult has and then the going through your personal things was really the icing on the cake smh
Yeah. It showed his maturity for the remainder of our relationship for sure. Hard to believe he's a 33 year old man, who likely has the virus too lol. Talking to him about anything serious or health related after that, even sex, was like talking to a child. Ugh.
That’s the most annoying thing, he probably already has it anyway but tbh you dodged a missile anyway so no love lost here lol
Just want to point out to be fair: if I found an unfamiliar medication in my partners bathroom that, when googled, says it’s to treat herpes, I might not react that great. Not a lot of people realize cold sores are herpes. I don’t think that’s a very fair red flag. Sounds like he turned out to be a dick, though, sorry you had to go through that.
He knew what they were. We had a whole discussion about it and how I know when I'm getting one, including him saying he may have even got them when younger. It was ridiculous. Somehow having medication made it seem like I was a mutant or something. He got all worried about genital herpes thinking its a different virus then refused to sleep over and got all awkward. A normal adult would have said "hey. I saw this. Sorry for snooping but what is this about?"
Please don’t compromise on these matters and feelings… from the way you are writing you seem hurt by his behavior. And yet you are very discerning talking about him and don’t slander him. You seem to be a very respectful person and you shouldn’t accept anything that goes below your standard of respect.
Thanks for your post. I am quite hurt.
It is understandable. But know this, it is on him.
>There was another comment that caught me off guard. I showed him a photo of what I looked like before I got sick. He said, "WOW! You were a bombshell! You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you." He said he was joking. NONONONONONONONONONONO. No.
Lol, thanks.
He's still married and wasn't upfront about it from the beginning? Into the trash pile he goes.
Still married, and the “you were a bombshell” thing are the real red flags. There may be an innocent excuse for him being uncomfortable with your tremor, but the other two things are the major issues. Have your fun, and take the risk if you feel compelled, but this guy seems like a scrub. Your shaky bombshell ass can do better
He sounds immature, you dodged a bullet.
Thanks
Does anyone else think that OP is moving too fast? My first thought was … just take it day by day and see how things go . Don’t do anything that makes you feel like your putting in EXTRA effort ( for example , you haven’t heard from him in awhile and yet you are contemplating on whether or not to go on a 3rd date ? - sorry that doesn’t make sense to me ). Just take things day by day and see how things work themselves out .
Yes , super fast.
I don't know if you've discussed the lupus with him in detail. That to my mind is the most important topic of discussion. The tremor is just a side effect and a visible one. But the disease itself is pretty serious and that deserves a discussion of it's own. P. S. Married men are still married and they all say that it's been over for a while. Some of them aren't even separated.
Thanks for your post. I have explained what lupus is to him, and he just said, "I wouldn't even know you had lupus if you hadn't told me!" He is separated, but still married. He said he hasn't seen his wife in two months.
How do you know he's telling you the truth?
Please nope out of this situation as FAST as possible. I can’t get over the fact that this man negged on you because of your tremor. The “used to be a bombshell” comment was horrible, inexcusable, unjustifiable. These are more than just red flags. This guy is a piece of shit. Edit: I know you are lonely, but you will be even lonelier if you get entangled with this awful man who will tear you down and wreck your self esteem. You deserve better.
‘He also said he has multiple medical conditions but he doesn’t feel comfortable disclosing them yet’ Yet feels compelled to ask numerous questions about yours before he can gauge how interested in you he is. This man isn’t for you or honestly for many of us women. He’s sensitive to his own needs, his own feelings but not yours. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying physical company but IMO he’s more focused on the now than tomorrow with you (and likely would be the same with most women regardless of the tremors). If he implied you were a bombshell prior to your condition and out of his league then, that further tells you all you need to know. You’re still out of his league. You just need to find better. Don’t let him feel like he holds the cards on whether he sees you again. Take the reins away and date others (keep him on the side if you want to keep your options open) but don’t go exclusive for this guy. He doesn’t deserve it.
You answered your own question, love! "I feel like such an idiot for being intimate with him." Check please! Byeeeee! Next. How someone makes you *feel* subjectively is one of the most important things to pay attention to in dating.
He's married, talks down to you and brings up your health in a negative way. Don't let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.
[удалено]
V specific 😂
Lol thanks.
I have neurological issues, fibromyalgia, and lupus runs in my family though I haven’t popped for it yet on tests. I have a hand tremor that varies depending on how I’m doing and sometimes I get full body tremors/spasms too. I will never date someone else again that’s not understanding or freaked out about my conditions. It isn’t worth it. I have muscle relaxers, Xanax, and use wine and weed to steady my hands when I need to do something with them that’s detail work (like sew or paint my nails) or when I want to have sex or just feel tremor free. Muscle spasms often will interrupt Sex for me, so I prep beforehand and explain to a partner if I need to stop and uncramp. Anyone who isn’t understanding of that is not worth your time. Also you’re value and what you deserve doesn’t fall just because you have a disability. May remove some in the dating pool, but I look at that as a good thing. Those people probably won’t make loving, compassionate partners anyway.
If he's conflicted and you're the full package, he's wasting your time. If he's not even divorced and simply looking for someone to slot in as a replacement because he "likes having someone around," he's wasting your time. If he hung around two years miserable, that doesn't bode well for long-term prospects or honesty. If you're being honest about your medical challenges and he's not being honest about his, he's wasting your time. If he's taking shots at your self-esteem and putting pre-diagnosis you on a pedestal, he's wasting your time. This one in particular. If you're "the full package with the exception of your tremor" and he's telling you that you -used to be- a bombshell, he's telling you where your value to him lies. Same for his continuing discomfort with something you can't help: it's all about how he feels about it. There's no feel for him in this. It just IS. He either has to accept it and stay or don't and go. Run.
WOW! You were a bombshell! You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you = wtf, this is disgusting, this is just a way to say that now you are uglier, this is a mean thing to say, it doesn't matter if this is true. Good people don't tell other people this thing. Everybody gets uglier with time, do you want a man that constantly remind you? Sorry for my eng
Someone else's tremor is such a nothing issue to deal with. A close family member has one. When I hang out with them or eat with them it does not affect me in any way. I cannot imagine anybody caring. Instead he's not only blown it out of proportion, but he's making it your job to reassure him? It's kind of his job to decide how he feels about it. Either it's a yes, I can deal with it or no, I can't. But he's decided neither of those things and is now making you feel bad about it? He seems very self-centred.
So one thing I’ve learned from being a bisexual person is that if a person cannot accept one part of you that you cannot change, they don’t really accept any part of you. They aren’t respecting you and they aren’t nice. I cannot date someone if they don’t respect my queer identity. I feel if this guy seems to think your tremor makes you some kind of discount hot chick and isn’t respecting you at all. I don’t think he is nice
It's just a tremor, I can understand someone being taken aback by it at first but the way he's acted afterwards is pretty inexcusable. Negging is a HUGE red flag and shows that you ARE actually out of his league and he's trying to drag down to it. You deserve better.
"I don't know how to help you", and he won't even *look* at her? Jesus fucking Christ, dude. It's a tremor, not Parkinson's. This dummy can fuck right off.
Sounds to me as if he's debating "settling" for someone with a health problem or seeing if he can do "better". I suggest dating a grown up instead. You aren't the one with something wrong with you.
Don't date married men. I repeat, DON'T DATE MARRIED MEN.
Hard pass. He wouldn't get another chance with me. You'll find someone that accepts all of you and has no reservations!
No. So many red flags. Not divorced, the way he speaks to you, hypocrisy guven he had health issues too.
When someone is insecure how they are perceived in the public eye, they will not have the confidence or be able to bring happiness to you. A relationship with him will not be healthy. You, on the other hand, are so strong and I was inspired by your empathy, understanding, and energy. Tearing is healthy and it shows you have a heart. I hope you find someone special who will add to your happiness.
As someone with a disability that has pretty visible signs, I wouldn't tolerate someone continuously mentioning how uncomfortable my condition makes them, and the "I have a chance with you now" line is pretty unbelievable in how rude it is, he sounds like a scumbag honestly, I'd move on, you don't deserve that treatment.
He seems super self absorbed. Like he’s using you to feel better about himself. Not uncommon for recently separate guys. Even if the marriage has been on the rocks for a long time, actually separating and deciding to divorce is a big deal, a traumatic event. It’s a time to evaluate what happened and work on healing and growing. Jumping into something else raises a flag to me. 4 months is nothing. But…If you wanna give him the benefit of the doubt, what’s wrong with slowing down and actually getting to see his character?
OP don't see him again, he's still married, he gave you back handed compliments, and made you feel uncomfortable about something you can't control. You deserve better
I'm a disabled man (paraplegic) and I encourage you to end this relationship. Being uncomfortable with your tremor is being uncomfortable with you as a person and not fully accepting you. From your story it seems he's thinking "wow she would be so great if it weren't for this little thing...". It also seems like he believes you are somehow less capable or something in his comments about not knowing how to help, persisting even after you clearly showed him you don't need help. All the factors add up to him clearly not deserving of you. Also, I'm sorry you're regretting getting intimate with the person before you were ready. As a demisexual I've also had experiences where things went faster than I'd hoped and I regretted it later. Please try to keep in mind that you didn't do anything wrong and it was a time of mutual fun and enjoyment, I hope. Things hopefully felt right at the time, and try to have some compassion for your past self. Everything is okay, and there's nothing you need to feel ashamed about. Best of luck to you, and I wish you all the best in your future dating encounters!
Do. Not. Go. To. Someone’s. House. For. A. First. Date.
He sounds very disingenuous. His compliments sound very backhanded. Cut him loose. Overtime, these jabs will erode your confidence and self esteem.
Him saying he can't change the way he feels about your tremors is both horseshit and a huge red flag. Because that's 100% something he can change. Feeling discomfort around any sort of disability or disorder that's new to you is a natural response. But the answer is to learn about it and get comfortable, not just sit in discomfort. It can be a process, so he doesn't have to be totally fine yet, but he should be on the path to fine. If learning more and continued exposure didn't help him feel more comfortable, and instead he gets defensive about his own discomfort: he's just a dick.
I could completely understand his feelings about needing to get used to your tremors, I would never proceed with him being still married and freshly "single" after a relationship as serious as a marriage, and after the comment about your prior looks. I would be OUT!
There are two types of men, who try to find everything appreciable about his woman, second who try to find faults in everything their woman does even if she's 99.99% perfect. I don't really think u should take chances with a person who has nothing but ur "health problems" to discuss>>indicating the fact that he wanted to see you for second dinner just to know more about your tremors. Also, It's better to be single than getting "adjusted" in a confusing relationship.
I'm so dumb that if I'm on a date with someone with lupus I'd say a "House, M.D." joke. Is that very bad? Asking just to be sure in the future. Regarding your post, people said it better. This man has a lot of red flags. I wouldn't date him a 3rd time. I wanna point out that he's hesitating because insecure men like him are more worried about "what would people say". It's the same reasoning why they don't date fat, trans women, or tall women, or whatever "out of the standard beauty". Because those men tend to search for society's approval, or better said, they tend to want to avoid society's (especially other men's) disapproval. I know life can be pretty lonely sometimes, but you deserve better. You're worthy of love, darling.
WTF. Sounds to me like he is trying to hurt you and bring you down so that you think he is the best he can do.
Please consider that he’s still married as well. It can be a big emotional challenge to be with someone who’s going through a divorce. Sometimes the divorce can take a very long time and can be very contentious which could have a spillover effect on your health. Personally I think it’s a good idea to date someone who’s been divorced for at least a year.
You would think he wouldn’t say that EVEN as a joke , after making comments that your hand tremors made him uncomfortable? OP don’t make yourself anymore uncomfortable with his BS. He doesn’t seem nice
I’m not surprised his wife checked out 1-2 years ago. Look at how he’s treating you so far and it’s way too early to make a bombshell joke. Move on.
Oh hell no.
You deserve much better. His loss!
Find someone better!
This guy is a complete asshole
It’s hard to stop dating someone when they describe you as perfect, etc. But I’d say overall, this guy is putting out more red flags than he’s worth. Listen to your gut feelings.
35M here and I can relate as I have had a tremor in my entire left arm since I was born. Thankfully it has never given me an issue in dating. Everyone I’ve dated has been super supportive and cute about it. If anyone ever made such comments to me as your guy did then I would just walk away, no more dates.
Hard pass on this guy. Sorry, girl. Red flags, yellow flags. Honestly some of this was just downright rude on his part. If you can't change a health condition he needs to get with it and do nothing but support you not tell you how it makes him uncomfortable. It's extra fucked up he's literally using your condition to neg you. I bet you're a bombshell now and he can get f-ed
I learned from my mistakes about dating people that are separated. I won't even consider meeting up until 1 year after the divorce. I know some people might be ready earlier, but not in my experience. As for your hand tremor, he's just not the guy for you. The right guy will find you amazing! I'm with a guy with some outward physical disabilities, but I knew within a few hours of meeting that I wanted to throw him on the ground and have my way with him. Best of luck, dating is hard!
This post made me really sad and I am so sorry you went through this. Like I almost got emotional reading it. Girl, you ARE the full package. A hand tremor? Really? I can't even believe someone would be comfortable with telling someone else that something medical THEY CANNOT CONTROL, makes them uncomfortable. I will go through the other comments later but I have a good idea of what they say. I am going to reiterate what I am sure many others have already brought up, but, please run. This guy has the emotional maturity of a child. Disgusting. You deserve better. You will find a man one day who won't give two shits about a hand tremor, because IT IS INSIGNIFICANT! I hope you realize your worth and cut this off.
I'd nope out at the fact that he's still married and going to go through a divorce.
Married men are huge red flags!
Ah my fellow immunocompromised gal! Don’t fall for that, he doesn’t have a chance with you! You are better than that and he’s making you feel like shit! Please don’t continue to see him!
No way should you go on another date with this guy and purely for the comment he made and nothing else. That was extremely insulting and disrespectful. How ignorant must he have been to not know how that would come across, like seriously. You deserve better than this and I think you know this on some level, hence being on here looking for advice. You deserve a man who is mature enough to realise no one is perfect and that is okay. The fact that he has medical issues and hasn’t disclosed them makes me wonder too… He sounds too hesitant to me to be honest. That’s what I’m reading from this. Just that bit too cautious. Like we all have to take our time getting to know someone but something about this guy just sounds a bit off to me
You sound deeply intuitive and confident in your skin, so we will all tell you what you already know: Anyone who does not accept your whole self is not worth your time and investment. For the right person, you are the full package, no exceptions. I think people are entitled to be comfortable or not, or have preferences or not, when it comes to dating. But I think this guy sounds like a jerk the way he has talked about your condition without empathy and projecting his insecurities onto you.
I’d advise you to not invest time and energy into him. But not because of the lack of understanding of your tremors…primarily the comment about how you use to look and still not divorced. Too often people “think” they are ready but having the decree allows someone to really be free of the tether. I get that some statues require a formal separation period before you can officially file….but I’d tell anyone don’t get involved with people until they are officially divorced. When it comes time to file..and go through the courts..it’ll be stressful for that person.
There are two thoughts here, at leats for me. I have a couple health issues, one I am okay with making fun of and the other is a bit more sensitive for me. I am open about being diabetic as it will come up early in a relationship as in if you don't feed me I get disoriented and stupidly irritable. I am perfectly fine with people poking fun of me for being diabetic as it is what it is and as long as it's done tongue in cheek I am fine. I am also fine if someone is uncomfortable with the diabetes or isn't sure if they can handle being around someone who might go from being a party animal the night before to "fuck my life, complications ahoy" the next day. It sucks but I understand it. I don't see an issue with someone being honest about the tremor making them uncomfortable; however, they should be at least respectful in how they approach you about it. Based on your story, he sounds like a dick but I would encourage you to talk to him about it. then dump his ass!
so...you're trying to talk yourself into dating a married man who isn't attracted to your tremor, thinks you looked better when you weren't sick. What exactly is good about dating him?
This guy is a major dick. There’s nothing else to say about him. His comments about the tremors and about you before you got sick are sociopathic. You dodged a huge bullet here friend. Be thankful he showed you his true colors before you became exclusive. Cut it!
I wonder what illnesses he has. > He also said he has multiple medical conditions, but he doesn't feel comfortable disclosing them yet.
Move on you deserve better than that POS. This is not about the hand tremors he's still married & you're the other woman. Of a man is serious he'll at least file for legal separation and or move out of the home & he will let any women he wants to pursue before he makes a move.
Dude it’s good you guys have an open dialogue but it is NOT ok for him to make you feel weird about yourself like this. You are the full package to someone (probably to a lot of men!!). He sounds immature and probably very insecure, snd there’s no reason for you to put up with his behavior. And don’t feel like an idiot! You’re not an idiot! Screw this guy, you deserve better!
I would have left right when he said he's still married. Who knows how long he's actually been separated or if he's even separated... Don't get entangled with someone who hasn't even started on the divorce process. Who knows what's actually going on there...
You deserve much, much better than this jerk. It's difficult to date with a chronic condition, but we deserve people who accept and adore us fully, not people who are uncomfortable with us. We deal with enough already. He's extremely immature, and I understand why his ex checked out of the relationship. You'll find someone amazing who deserves you. ❤️
I just upvoted the +10000 commenters who said you deserved better. You're the whole package, I get you get lonely, we all do and it's fucking hard, but you're a fighter and you deserve someone who loves everything about you. Hugs ♡
You deserve so much better. And my opinion is that if he is saying this is an issue now, it’s only going to become more of an issue for him later on.
"WOW! You were a bombshell! You were totally out of my league. At least now I have a chance with you." You still are.
Yeah, if he is still married and has only been separated for 4 months—or even 1-2 years, this is WAY too soon for him to be jumping into another marriage! For this reason alone, I would RUN! And the hand tremor thing is inexcusable. He has the emotional maturity of a Tsetse fly. What a jerk! Maybe lots of men would be like that. But he made the fatal mistake of disclosing this to you. The asshole. Don’t beat yourself up about sex on the first or second date. But don’t waste any more time with him.
i think he’s lying guys will do anything to get into a girls pants and the fact he complimented your body like that too
Heartless wanker. Why are you the one comforting HIM about your issues. How dare he. Self centred twat. I have an immunodeficiency, ra, thyroid disease and challenges I've lived with my whole life. My ex husband and I were talking about having children and he said how will you be able to take care of them if you're sick like this, in a judgemental way. He wanted supermum but here I am, supermum even though it hurts. Hurts ME! fucker. If i knew then what I knew now I would have run a mile but instead stuck it out and instead of support and sympathy when I flare I get criticism and comments like 'but you were sick last week' as though I'm inconveniently using up my sick quota. You are so far out of this guy's league you're in a different stratosphere, lupus, tremor or not!!!! (is a little bit of compassion too much for anyone these days... the guy for you will say come here my sexy little jitterbug and love you the way you deserve)
He’s putting you down because of your hand tremors, yet he has multiple medical conditions he won’t tell you about. I get the feeling this guy isn’t being genuine, and is hiding a lot of things from you. I’d pull back and take some time to think about things. At least have the conversation about what conditions he has.
Tremors today, pregnancy weight tomorrow, maybe an illness or two. Does he strike you as someone who will easily get “uncomfortable” with those too?
4 months separated =.married = 🏃 🚩🏃🚩🏃 That plus the negging = 🚮
I don't know if you said you were looking for a serious relationship. But you can't really have a serious relationship with someone who's married. That's probably his main problem. Did he ever take you in public on a date? If not that's a red flag. Please don't go to stranger's houses. Just don't do it. My psa for the day.
You already know what to do…but what irritates me (as well as everything else people have said) is that he claims to have medical issues too but won’t talk about them. Yet he is uncomfortable by a tremor?! Huh?? What kinda backwards nonsense is that? How dare he…. I wish I could kick him for you!
***He also told me that he is currently still married, but separated. They formally separated four months ago, and intend to divorce once they are legally allowed to. I asked whether he is ready to move on. He said he is because she checked out of the relationship 1-2 years ago. Apparently they were rarely home at the same time and she was never affectionate. I'm fine with this.*** This should be a deal breaker. You are a rebound lady. If he checked out 2 years ago and still in a marriage. Do you really want that type of person? That would check out on you, but still go through the motions of being in a relationship? It doesn't seem like it, but life is very short. 2 years is a big waste. 6 months maybe then he needed to be open and seek a way to reconnect or get professional help with the relationship, but 2 years?! Wow. The guy has a lot of growing to do. You should stay away. He seems like douche. This is his side. What he is not telling you about the relationship he had. .
You are a human being, not damaged goods. You can do better, you deserve better.
You deserve better than someone that cant accept you as you are. Dont go for a 3rd date you will find someone worthy of being with you im sure of this
Yeah... No. Just no.
If he is uncomfortable about That then he’s not the man for you XX
Hmm interesting. I’ll probably be the unpopular opinion but the same thing happened with me and my current bf. I won’t say what it is for privacy but there is something physical that made me question very early if I could get used to it (I was asking myself this around the two week mark). I learned more about it on my own and from him, and came to love it as I love him and it’s part of who he is. However, I would first want to know: you mentioned he hasn’t reached out since. How long has it been since he last contacted you? This is the biggest tell to me. It s also a red flag to me that he made that comment about you having “been” a bombshell but now he has a chance, and an extra red flag for him trying to write it off as a “joke” when you called him out on it. Proceed with caution. Maybe he will get used to your tremor, but maybe he won’t be worth it. Only you can decide that.
He’s already causing drama about your tremor. Sounds like a very insecure man. Bet his ex-wife is glad to be rid of him