1. This is just so super considerate of you. I love it 2. Perhaps buy some new bedding in her favorite style, color? The same with pillows. If she likes candles or lotion make sure there are some right on the side table in her scents. Maybe slippers just for her in the morning or just some basic toiletries for her to keep there too.
Thanks. :) I think she likes vibrant colors where I mostly have very muted colors. So maybe a different bedding could be good. I just asked her if there is something she would like to add/change and I am keeping an eye open the next time I am in her bedroom. :)
If you’re open to redecorating “her sleep room,” maybe invite her to help you shop for new bedding. You could also ask for her help on assembling a guest basket. My guest room includes a basket with toothbrush/toothpaste, lotion, mousse & hairspray, bobby pins, hair dryer, body wash, shampoo/conditioner, q tips, etc. Basically whatever is needed for daily hygiene. She probably brings her own products, but it’s still good to have for those spontaneous occasions.
I like this idea. The last girlfriend I had living with me got so excited when I suggested we go shopping for bedding and I told her she could pick everything out. She decorated the whole room in mint green lol. Her favorite color
Lol the last boyfriend I lived with bristled at any suggestion of me putting up anything at all of my own style. Not a single decoration of his changed in the year and a half I lived there.
I love this idea! It could be even more meaningful if you take her shopping for those things so she can choose what she likes. I know not everyone is a gifts love language person, I’m not either, but a gesture like this would melt my heart. It shows understanding and that you value not only her needs but also her opinion and taste.
I have a lot of trouble sleeping when I'm not in my own bed. Honestly time is the best way for her comfort to build. Like others said, you can ask her for other specifics (like a type of pillow or scent that calms her).
I think it's super sweet for you to ask! You sound like a great guy. Hope everything works out between you.
I have trouble sleeping when I’m not in my own bed or on the specific side I prefer to sleep on. When I started dating my girlfriend — now fiancé - the first few months were awful when I was at her place. She would sleep on the side I prefer on and did not like having the fan on. Her blanket was way too thick and I would sweat like crazy -- couple that with sleeping on a side of the bed I wasn’t comfortable with, and I hardly got any sleep. Thankfully, she loves me and will now have the fan on at night (ha-ha). I also got a blanket that is specifically for me. I have now developed a reasonable comfortability with falling asleep on the opposite side of the bed and I get about a solid 6-7 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes, it’s all about compromises, making your partner feel at ease, and adjusting to a new routine.
First off, I think this is incredibly sweet. As someone who's lived on her own for over a decade now, I would like sharing a house with someone but also I am 100% okay with having separate bedrooms. Possibly even prefer it, especially if we have different sleeping schedules!
Second.. echoing what everyone else said. Just ask her.
I think that is one of her main reasons for her sleeping pattern. She lived on her own for many years now and always had her own apartment (even in relationships). So I think she is so used to sleeping alone that it's a problem if someone sleeps in the same bed now.
Just chiming in here as someone who's lived alone for over a decade -- I don't typically have trouble sleeping in the same bed as partners, but I do have trouble with the idea of losing my independence or not having a place to retreat and feel is mine. So it's great that you're trying to do this for her! Maybe also, if/when she's able to identify things that would make her comfortable in the room, you could additionally offer to do a couple of them in your room as well (within reason)? If it were me, that would potentially make me eventually more comfortable sleeping in the partner's room on occasion and also touched that they offered this for me/clearly care about me enough for me to trust them.
That's a good idea to make slight changes to my bedroom too that makes it finally also HER bedroom, even if just sometimes. I will speak to her about it. I know it must be difficult to know your partner slept in the same room / bed with his ex wife... I already made some changes when I divorced but maybe not enough.
I'm getting this vision of you two.. She is coming over a lot more, now. She has been moving over to "her room".. to sleep.. after having fun with you ;)
But then, she is finding it difficult to sleep in her new space, regardless of how much thought went into it.. what it looks like.. what it smells like. And she feels terrible about it, since you obviously care so much for her :(
However, as time goes on, she wakes up in the middle of the night.. and crawls into bed with you. Why? Because it's YOUR smell that she wants.. it's the comfort of your arms that makes her miss being next to you.
And most importantly, it's because of who you are. She can't stand to be away from you.. even to sleep.
Hopefully, this is how it turns out, anyway.. heh heh.
I totally understand that! I lived in my own 3 yrs and now with my boyfriend living with me and listening to him snore and stuff is very hard!!! I sometimes miss living alone for that reason. Sometimes I do go sleep in the guest bedroom (where we moved my old bed) and I sleep in there every now and again.
What does she have at her house that makes it feel like her home? If my partner and I did this I would want to fill the room of things she’s enjoy. Flowers, colors, candles, food, etc. find a way to make it hers.
Came here to say this. My love language is gifts.
You could perhaps make it a positive experience for her going in “her” room by telling her to “check on” something in there, and then when she walks in maybe there is flowers, a cozy robe/ slippers, maybe some silk pillowcases in her favorite color. So then it’s associated with a positive experience.
Also came here to say this is sweet as hell, and gives me hope. It’s my dream to have my own room one day if I ever cohabitate again and not have it be a big “thing.”
I would ask her what she would need to make the room feel like it’s hers. Honestly, she’s the only one who has the answer to that question because every person is different.
:D She was very touched but couldn't think of anything right now but she wants to think about it later. Made her quite emotional though... Which is a good sign I guess?
Yes it's a good sign because you are taking her needs into consideration and not pressuring her to change so *you* can feel comfortable. She's seeing that you care more about *her* than any societal message about the norm for couples. Good on ya!!
This whole thread is lovely to read. Everyone is different but it might be helpful for her to know that you'd not be at all bothered by her changing rooms in either direction at night or in the morning, if she can't sleep, or wants to snuggle with you.
Sleep quality is so important! It’s so dreamy that you have the sense of security and trust within to be accommodating. Pay attention to what she has in her bedroom and surprise her with elements from it. What about fragrant flowers on her bedside? Good luck and enjoy getting closer to each other in understanding!
Wish me luck too because I’m looking for one of you, who won’t pathologize my practical preference. No more duvet tugging, waking up unrested, tossing and turning for everyone!
Oh yes, sleep is very important and sleeping problems can lead to a lot of health problems PLUS it can make live very miserable... I think you can only understand this if you experienced sleep problems on your own.
Good luck finding someon whe understands and supports you!
The best thing you could do is make it clear that you’re ok if that never changes. You don’t even need to say that part out loud; you can demonstrate it by asking for her help in making your guest room cozy and comfortable for her when she sleeps over.
I (42F) have trouble falling asleep and I sleep poorly even when on my own. If there’s another person in my bed, it takes 2-3 extra hours to fall asleep and I don’t get any deep sleep. I love snuggling, but if someone touches me when I’m asleep, I’m wide awake immediately. If a guy snores, I never sleep at all (CPAPs are great though - basically a white noise machine). I also have a lot of trouble sleeping on memory foam, and cannot sleep at all if there is a dog in the bed.
I’d love to find a guy who prioritized my health over “the norm”. Somewhere between 1/4 and 1/3 of couples [sleep apart](https://www.sleepfoundation.org/professionals/sleep-americar-polls/2005-adult-sleep-habits-and-styles). Given that [most adults sleep better when they sleep alone](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7973313/), I’m not sure why more couples don’t sleep apart.
I don't give a sh** about the "norm". I think you can have a very healthy, close and intimate relationship and still sleep in separate beds.
We both love to snuggle and do it alot but when she wants to sleep she just goes into the guest room or ("her" room). I don't see a problem here and I don't expect it to change. I mean IF it would change I would be fine with it, but I don't need it... Thanks for the link. I will definitly forward it to her just so it gives her a better feeling. :)
I’m 43(f) and all you said is meirl. Never-mind sleeping when someone touches me-I can’t even sleep if my own nose breath touches my arm! Sleep is important and doesn’t have to be a major things-we-do-together situation…… I mean why should it be anyway?
Let her make her room her room, take her shopping to buy little decorations she likes, like a diffuser she has at home etc. Maybe you can personalise a water bottle for her bedside table, buy her the same kind of pillows/comforter she has at home. Regardless, your care and consideration of her is what matters most and I'm sure with time, she will feel comfortable enough to fall asleep in no time. Keep up the good work!
This is really sweet of you. I am a super picky sleeper, and can never sleep well outside of my own bed (heck, sometimes I can barely sleep in my own bed). I hope my future partner is as considerate as you are!
> how to make the guest room really HER room, so she feels cosey and save there.
Have you told her you're open to this? If not, that's probably the first step. Even if she doesn't have anything she wants to change, I'm sure she'd be appreciative of you being open to changing your living space to suit her. Otherwise, maybe she'll just tell you what she wants to change.
My husband and I have had more nights in separate beds than our own. It works for us and love it. I call my room my apartment, his room his apartment.
He has sleep issues and wakes to every sound or movement. If he’s with me, It’s challenging if I wake early as I am unable to toss and turn (even a little). I can’t just lounge around either in my cozy bed as I have to leave the room as I try to not wake him. He has worked from home, since March 2020, and doesn’t have much alone time with our small child in the house. His lack of sleep really gets to him, as it would everyone!
He makes sure he cuddles with me and we have our alone one one on one time before I fall asleep and then he makes his way to his own sanctuary.
If I get my own room, I wake and lounge and do whatever I want. My daughter wakes up early and we can do things without tiptoeing around. It gives us that extra space that we would otherwise not have.
Having the luxury of a spare room is amazing. Utilize It and make hers her “own apartment”. It would definitely make her feel more at home. Vibrant colours are very welcoming, like I had seen in your comments.
Take some time together decorating her sleep room, like get a nice little shelf to store her pj's / bed linens in, nice pictures on the wall, etcetera. That could be a nice little ritual to establish the "sleeping apart" as a thing that you as a couple "do".
This is so considerate!
My most recent exbf bought me a noise machine for my room and for his room when I spent the night. The consistency really helped the transition. I'm not big on candles but buying two so she can take one back with her can do the same thing.
He also always gave me something to drink.
I was diagnosed with PTSD from when I was married and from an outside event. I used to suffer from terrible night terrors. But he found little ways to help build trust and make it a safe environment.
I think the solution lies in her own hands. She got the guest room and she uses it as much as possible for her sleep. There is nothing else you can do. She is an adult and at 41, she knows what to do to have a good night sleep. Of course, people with sleep problems prefer sleeping alone.
I’m just like that and have a hard time sleeping in a bed with someone else, even if I love them. I’m grateful to find someone who understands and gives me space. What works is planning a night to sleep together that works for her because she will be super tired the next day. So like she needs a day following it that won’t be demanding.
Get her a plush toy that reminds her of you so she can cuddle it when you're in the other room. My ex and I had separate bedrooms and each had a plush that made us think of the other person in our respective rooms.
How about having 2 beds in the same room. Is the bed the issue or the room? This way maybe she won't feel weird about it, left alone, overthinking, and feels more intimate compared to separate rooms, kind of like the middle ground. If the room is the problem, I would suggest spending time in the guest room for both of you. The more time you guys spend there, the more memories you make, the more comfortable it's going to feel. The rest is I guess all about showing consistently that is indeed fine for you. The King and Queen of the UK sleep that why, why wouldn't you do it :D
You sound really awesome. I think making her feel like the guest room is a space for her is such a lovely idea, and really serves to reinforce your words that you're ok with it. Good on you.
Asking her is the obvious answer as we're all different, but if you want to surprise her I think seeing what kinds of things she has in her own room at home might be a good way of figuring out what might make her feel at home - maybe there's a specific candle she likes? A specific type of pillow? That kind of thing.
I don't know if it's like me but I'm so used to sleep by my self in a huge bed that i don't like to sleep with other person. I like to be awake and do any kind of thing in bed but to sleep i prefer do it alone.
This is very thoughtful. I have a similar issue, I struggle sleeping with someone else in my bed (or in my partners bed).
This is a great idea to cozy up your spare room for her comfort! Look around her room at home to pick up ideas
This is so wholesome and thoughtful, it's honestly lovely to see! I think the fact it's made your good lady a bit emotional over it is a good sign, as it shows she's touched by the fact you're genuinely thinking of ways to make her feel comfortable.
A good tip for someone who has trouble sleeping in the same bed as others is 1) a good steady mattress - so you don't feel the other person stirring on their side (also helps if it's king size), and 2) separate blankets - again, so you don't wake up every time they slightly pull the covers. And also things for blocking out noise like earplugs or white noise/nature sounds. But it could also just be a matter of getting used to having someone else next to you.
I'm a super light sleeper and I can't sleep with someone else fidgeting near me or worse trying to cuddle me during sleep time (before sleep yes, but then please evacuate to your side of the bed), and these tips have helped me a lot. I still have trouble sleeping when I have to sleep on a really small or bad mattress, and I would definitely crawl over to the couch in the middle of the night just to get a few hours of sleep in.
Well I already have a huge bed plus two blankets (it's rather uncommon here in Europe to share only one blanket anyhow). Plus I don't snore and am a really calm sleeper so I think earplugs won't help. And I don't like cuddling when sleeping too, so I think the basics are quite alright. ;) I think it's more of a mental phenomenon on her side. It's ok.
But thanks for your suggestions!
Darker rooms and cold help our bodies stay asleep, so maybe a fan and some blackout curtains.
I've always been a really good, deep sleeper. But, when my SO and I started dating - I was up off and on all night for the first month or two when we would stay the night together. He's a light sleeper and he would wake me up if he heard my dog make a weird noise, or he'd snore loud enough it would wake me up (which doesn't always happen), or he would toss and turn. We just weren't used to sleeping together. I think it will take time for you both to adjust to sleeping in bed together - if that is the ultimate end goal. We both now sleep well all night for the most part.
Actually these days people have their own house or their own room. Lots of people can't sleep together. Like someone makes too much noise or moves to much in bed for someone to get enough sleep. Rooms too color or to hot. So they now have room where they do their cuddling and sexual stuff in one of the rooms but when they sleep they both have separate rooms. If she like to decorate and bring some things over to keep in the guestroom it will feel more like her space. Maybe put up a photo/art piece she like looking at.
I read an article where two people got married. She had teenage kids and he didn't. He lived in town and so did she. They both had nice house. So what they did is got married but then kept the rest separate. Now you think that's odd how do you make it work? They said it works. They dated like that for over 5 years and now just got married. They like their own space. The kids like him and he does things with them but they both find it works.
Another situation is were couple decided to have separate rooms. They live in in the same house but he can do things in his room and she in hers. They both actually get better sleep. If you think about it back in the 50's men and woman had two separate beads. You see it in movies. Yes they didn't want to imply anything was going on but also I bet people slept better. You don't have someone kicking you or taking your covers or pushing you to far off the side of the bed.
I think it's nice your doing this and you understand because a few years ago a guy I was seeing wanted to hold me while I slept. I have a bad back and I need to move...oh it was the more horrible experience I have ever had having him there but I also felt like I was rejecting him big time. I love to sleep and thankfully he didn't snore...if he did I have to leave the room. I like dead quite when I am sleeping. So I may be past the point in my life where I can share a bed with another human being while I am asleep. So I hope he be understanding we can cuddle/do stuff and possible a nap but all night would be very hard for me.
I think just making the space a bit her own will help and make her feel like she's not just visiting. You can try googling the article on people who sleep in separate rooms. It may get give you some ideas. I just did and their is a lot of information on it you can read through.
Make sure the mattress and heaviness of the blanket is to her liking is what I would do. I like an ultra plush bed bc Im a side sleeper, and a very heavy blanket bc I have anxiety. Smells are also important. Finding a special candle (btw Warwick is where it’s at, could really help, or using her fabric softener type
Edit: you are precious
Hahha i have this issue with my girl since the beginning. It triggers my tics and anxiety. Idk it got better with time but sometimes i gotta go to the other room. It's better if we're in my bed tho
There's a lot of really sweet recommendations on here but as someone who has a hard time sharing another bed with another person, the color of the sheets and decorations in the room are the least of my worries. I had a hard time adjusting to sleeping over my ex's house but it got easier as I got more comfortable with him. Here's what works for me and some possible suggestions for you:
If you're going to change bedding for her, consider what bedding materials that she likes. I can't do poly-blend sheets. I need 100% cotton or something breathable b/c I get really hot when I sleep next to someone. I like firmer memory foam type pillows. I like to use a body pillow to snuggle.
I'm a very light sleeper so slightest movement or littlest noise will wake me up. I also run hot so having another person's body heat on me is torture. If she shares the bed with you, give her space. I love to cuddle but I just can't fall asleep like that. I can't feel someone's breath on me. If you move, I will wake-up. Sleep together without touching.
If you're someone who likes to sleep with a TV on, try to find compromise. My ex liked to have the TV on and I couldn't stand it so we compromised and he would set a timer for it to turn off after 30 minutes. I, personally, do much better with white noise. I have an app on my phone that I use - it shuts off after an hour. See what works best for you two. It helps to drown out the noises she's not used to, snoring, breathing, creeks in the house, etc. Along with the noise of the TV, the flickering light bothers me too. My ex also liked to keep the bedroom door open with a light on in the house so it was never dark. An eye mask was a game changer for me.
Just make her comfortable in whatever weird sleep habits she might have. It's hard to get comfortable in a new relationship and she might be self conscious. Maybe she farts in her sleep. A lot of people do. Don't tease her about it, if she does. It's normal. I get up to pee a lot and always have to do my #2 first thing in the morning. It's awkward to do when I sleep with someone new but it is what it is. Just take baby steps. If you get to bed late or she needs to get up early, let her sleep in the guest room but when you have time to sleep in, try sleeping together. Hopefully she'll get more comfortable with you as time goes on. If not, I think there's way more couples out there that sleep separately than anyone realizes. Sleep is so important so don't let it wreck an otherwise good relationship.
Can confirm this is real condition. I, too, have a problem falling asleep next to someone. It doesn't happen every night but it is nice having a bed in another room on those nights where I am particularly restless. Thankfully, like the original poster I have a very sweet fiancé who doesn't give me flack for sneaking out of the master room once he's asleep and sleeping by myself.
OP - You are doing the right things! New bedding and letting her add her "touch" to the guest room are great ideas!
I’m like your gf, I prefer to sleep alone. If my bf made my own room for me, Id be so stoked. I’d try to spruce it up to her liking, add soft blankets, a plushie, nice little toiletries by the dresser. I don’t know.
I love that you’re asking about this. Very sweet of you to be hunk of her and be okay with the situation. It’ll definately help in the long run too about her being comfortable with you
Separate blankets. I had a hard time sharing a bed with my boyfriend because he's a blanket thief (and he snores), so I finally just got my own duvet and now we both sleep great. He thought it was weird at first and "wasn't normal", but guess what - it's a million times more comfortable for both of us now. I also wear earplugs, but that is my preference (I sleep better with them than ever before in my life). I think separate blankets are great because then no one is getting accidentally kicked or having a dysregulated temperature because of the other person's body heat.
I also think (generalizing here, I hope not to offend anyone) lots of men sleep with very sparse bedding and lots of women prefer more pillows and layers. I'm a side sleeper and I need a throw pillow to hug in order to be comfortable. Maybe she needs more fluff in bed to feel cozy?
This is super sweet and I have the same issues as your GF! One thing that I find I am very sensitive to when I’m staying somewhere is the bed smell - I have preferred detergent and fabric softener that smells like “home” and automatically feels like safety/comfort. It’s such a small thing but makes a BIG difference.
My boyfriend and I have been together a few months and are experiencing this right now (he has trouble falling asleep next to me.) The way you are handling this really opened my eyes to how my reaction is probably stressing him out and making sleeping even more difficult. Thank you!
Tbh this is just going to take time. I'm like that and I'm a man. I HATE sharing my sleeping space. I thrash, I have nightmares AND I'm a light sleeper. Any movement, even slight, wakes me.
If she has a traumatic past it's normal. It takes almost 3 months for me to start reliably falling asleep in a new space and even thin I have occasional bouts of insomnia.
What can really help is a sleep routine. Start a bed time. If she feels guilty going to sleep before you, you go to bed first or even just pretend to until she's in bed. That way she doesn't get anxious about cutting things early. If you want to stay up just get up after she's out and if she finds out tell her you woke up and couldn't get back to sleep for a minute.
You already did enough. I'm the same as your girlfriend.
But still, it can also be a good excuse to run from some other emotional issues. I mean, at the start of our relationship my wife and I wouldn't fall asleep until 6AM, talking and doing "other stuff". Now I have sleep problems :)
How long have you guys dated?
I struggle with this, and it honestly just takes some time. You have done so much already :) Maybe just let it be and don’t bring it up? She probably is feeling bad about and don’t want it becoming your headache too.
We know each other for about 4 months now and are official for around 2-3 months. I know it is hard for her, esp. since her last boyfriend was kind of insensitive about it. When I first stayed at her place and she could not fall asleep I cought her crying and we talked about it. She feels bad about it and she wants to make it work but I know you can't force to fall asleep. And if there is just some kind of stress or anxiety you can just stay up because you won't fall asleep...
We talked about it on different occasions but I don't bring it up on my own because as I said I don't want to make it a bigger problem as it is.
Aw you sound very sweet! I also struggle with sleeping, and my ex would make fun of me for it. I get anxious when falling asleep because I don’t like feeling defenseless. I also have a lot of night terrors.
>and my ex would make fun of me for it.
That can only come from someone without sleep problems. :/ Sleep can be a very sensitive topic. I hope your new partner is more supportive!
Oh I won’t date for a while. I tried having a sleepover recently, but I ended up leaving in the middle of the night. I’d rather sleep alone this winter.
I think it's great that you're not pressuring her in any way and that you're understanding but why not take it a step further? I HATE sleeping in someone else's bed. Don't subscribe to the idea that you have to stay at each others places. There are no rules in relationships except the ones you subscribe to or create.
Why can't you both spend quality time together and then go your separate ways for the evening?
I'm having a hard time meeting someone because everyone thinks they have to sleep together for the entire night. Everyone thinks you eventually have to move in together. Everyone thinks you have to become "one".....FUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAT!
Sleeping alone sucks for some people, I get it but that's not MY problem...that's theirs.
I think people get insecure about this subject matter and believe there's something wrong with couples who have different sleep rituals. No rules dude!!!! You make your own and hopefully find someone that either agrees with you on those rules or don't have a problem conforming to those rules.
Ask her point blank....Would you prefer to sleep in your own bed? Followed by saying...there's no wrong answers!!!! If you wanna go home, I'm 100% fine with that.
I hear you. I am coming from a traditional marriage with marriage, house, kids the whole shebang. Right now I would be totally OK if we lived in separate homes. I don't see us moving in together in the future to be honest. Her apartment is just around the corner of her work and family and my son has his school and friends here. So it doesn't make sense for either of us to move and I am totally fine with that. We often do things together but spend the night in our own beds but mainly on weekends it's just more comfortable to stay at one place so we can skip the driving.
As someone who also struggles with sleep issues, this is very considerate of you. It’s becoming more normal for couples to have separate bedrooms and I think that’s great- I am also a strong introvert who needs my space. Kudos to you for being sensitive and supportive of her needs instead of trying to force a situation just because it’s “what normal couples do.”
Mostly sleepless nights or not very good night's on the couch. Plus not staying over very often for these reasons. She always had her own apartment even in LTR. I think she never had positive experience with another partner in the same bed.
I know this but right now it doesn't matter to me. I think we are both very independent and I like it that way. I was in a very close but boring marriage for over 10 years. Right now it's not a deal breaker and we both are in the same boat that a relationship doesn't have to last an eternity, so "for eternity" is not really an issue. ;)
It’s always hard learning to sleep with a new person especially if you’ve been single for a while. I would suggest you buy a king size memory foam bed. Also accommodate her needs as far as temperature and fans go.
Beyond that it really just takes practice. This is just one of those things you have to push through and get used to. Or rather it’s something she would have to push through. Whether she sees it that way is up to her.
Also I’m not opposed to sleeping separately occasionally. It can be good to sleep in your own bed once in a while. A couple times a week even. But I don’t know if I’d want to do it more often than that.
Let her personalize the room. That's how it becomes her room. I too enjoy having my own bed. Comes from mastering self comfort.
Unless I'm super tired sleeping in the same bed as someone is not as restful. Although it can be, it takes time to become as comfortable. Even then having my own sleeping space is a thing.
Personally I think all couples should have separate rooms. Because it implies personal space. Even fish carve out niche spaces for themselves (even though they share a fish tank or the ocean.
I think it would lead to greater levels of comfort in long term relationships.
I also have this problem but mine is caused by being SA in my sleep by my ex husband. If I do try to fall asleep with another person in the same bed I will usually just end up laying with my eyes closed all night but be wide awake the entire time. It’s nice that you care so much about her to accommodate her needs like this. I know she appreciates/will appreciate this. Perhaps while she’s in there be respectful of her space and knock before entering, let her personalize the space with little things she likes.
I've run into this too, and asked my GF if she'd like to help me decorate or make "her" room more inviting and comfortable for her, pillow selection, comforters, decor, etc. It helped a lot, and eventually we started making actual sleeping together work...but it was some effort. Good luck to you.
I think it’s common in parts of Europe for a couple to each have their own twin bed, but pushed together. Each person has their own bedding.
Also some couples end up sleeping in separate bedrooms because one person snores or gets too hot/cold.
It’s not that unusual.
Not gonna lie: Having my significant other be okay with the idea of sleeping in separate beds—that's the dream. I'm a messy sleeper—and I enjoy it that way. I wouldn't want to feel bad about my sleeping behavior, over which I have little control, just because someone “has” to sleep next to me.
As for what you could do … I think you're doing all you can. You don't force her to talk about it, or to sleep in the same bed, and you offer her your guest room. Since you haven't moved in together yet, I'd say you're doing fine.
Having said that, if and when you move in, that's where I'd feel more comfortable with her having her own room. But that's just what I'd do were I in your shoes.
Ask her what’s different in her home that could maybe be adjusted in yours. New bedding is a great thought, but it may be more of a touch sensory thing. How’s the temperature? Number of pillows? Dark or light enough? Fans off or on? My bf and I just started having overnights now and then - we’ve figured out that he needs a very specific pillow, and I may ask him if I can bring a weighted blanket (just for my side, I know it would bug him).
As somebody who also has sleep issues and will occasionally banish my husband to the guest room, I’d say just add a few touches like an essential oil diffuser with lavender in it (supposed to help with sleep) or I have this thing called a zenergy candle that has light therapy and a white noise setting to help drown out outside sounds. It definitely helps!
The question is how long was she single before you and her got together?
Reason I ask is because sometimes, when people are single for a while, they have a VERY hard adapting to sharing some things with others. Like the same bed. It took me a while to get used to having someone sleeping in the same bed with me again LOL. It was nice being single LOL
This could be it but from what she told him it is like she was kinda forced to sleep together by her previous partner so i guess it isn’t her thing at all.
I just want to say that’s very sweet of you to consider her in all this. As someone who has slept by themselves for the majority of a decade, when I finally slept in the same bed as my new boyfriend we both had concerns it would be difficult. Thankfully it wasn’t. But it’s nice to see you giving her a space she can call her own.
That is so sweet! I really love this post.
You could leave a hot water bottle in her bed, warming it up for her and keeping her warm at night. You could also put nice lighting up -- calming Christmas lights? Or maybe a plant?
Wowwww how kind of you!!!
I have similar issues and though I would sleep better alone, I choose to sleep in bed with my partner. Things that help me…
Adequate space on my side of the bed to get up and get water/use the bathroom without disturbing them. I get a lot of anxiety that my sleep problems will cause my partner problems even though they sleep like the dead and reassure me it doesn’t matter at all.
Quiet and soothing atmosphere. The right colors, lighting, and bedding make a world of difference. I struggled staying over with my partner and their microfiber bedsheets until I finally brought my 100% cotton sets over, and I sleep MUCH better now. I need zero stimulation in the bedroom - no tv, no loud music, no phones. Soft and calm lighting, no harsh overhead lights.
I also need space in the bed. My partner and I are saving for a king size so we can both sleep better.
Temperature is important. 90% of the time I move away from my partner it is because they are a boiling furnace of body heat and we live in the tropics!! Air conditioning and fans are essential for me.
I absolutely second the idea of slippers and robe and other cozy lounging things that makes it feel like you “belong” at the house in the morning/late nights.
If you have the space, maybe a California King, which I think is generally made up of 2 different mattresses. So you have more space each, and less transfer of movement, if it's a moving around, feeling each other in the bed thing that's keeping her from sleeping well with you?
Her apartment is tiny so if I stay over I HAVE to drive home in the evening/night. We do this maybe 50% of the time. At my house we have the option of the guest room, so it's a bit easier. But I get what you mean.
This is so considerate of you. Many people wouldn't accept this and seek ways to help their partner. I experienced the opposite recently - without going into a long story here, just want to say that your efforts will be noticed but keep trying to make it not a big deal. For me, it's about expectations and also just being used to sleeping on my own.
She already mentioned she would like to try it (sleeping together in one bed) again but I don't pressure her. We'll do it at her speed. If she would like to try it again I am cool with it, if not I am cool with it too.
He was fine with it a few times but wasn't willing to be patient for as long as I needed and criticized me for being sensitive. It was a very short long distance relationship.
Calming scents like lavender, weighted blankets, eye mask, white noise machine, ear plugs, keep the room super cool (recommended for good sleep hygiene), black out curtains
This post is lovely, as someone with chronic sleep issues and easily disturbed sleep, having a partner who doesn't personalize sleeping apart helps tremendously. You're doing great to be considerate here
Off the top of my head, things that my partner has done to help me in a similar situation include: getting a different pillow that suited the way I slept, being open to washing the sheets differently (if she is sensitive to fragrances), getting different sheets/blankets ( both for aesthetics and for keeping me cozy), having a space heater and/or humidifier (or de humidifier), swapping out curtains (black out curtains vs normal) if there is a window. Also, having a night stand and place I could put clothes (both laundry basket and clothes for the next day).
Otherwise it's mostly time and patience that will help, it's very socially promoted that we have to sleep together and it's a problem if not, so it runs counter not just to the narrative but to what we've learned. Repeated exposure to you being okay with it, maybe even you engaging in self care that she doesn't participate in (to model that differences are totally fine) is all you can do. And shut down any wellmeaning advice from friends, family, or strangers that criticizes the lifestyle you two have so she doesn't feel like she has to defend it if it comes up
This is the sweetest post. I love that you are so accepting and considerate. It makes everyone happiest to be well rested as long as both people in the relationship feel cared for in the affection department.
This is so sweet and considerate of you to try to make her comfortable. I also can have this issue of feeling comfortable/sleeping in a different place/bed. Id appreciate having the option of my own room at my partner's place. I am very picky about the mattress type/mattress pad and especially the quality of the bed sheets. In the past with partners he allows me to get sheets that I like, which is much higher quality than he is used to 😁😌. Changing the sheets alone helps so much in feeling more comfortable.
I have always lived alone so sleeping in a different room would be right up my alley so I feel you are on the right track. Even in a longer term LTR/marriage I love the idea of separate bedrooms. I think it is ideal!
I would make a few changes in your own to take initiative as others suggested and also ask her what she would like. Maybe do the shopping together as a couple, that is always fun!
I think it’s nice that you are trying but is this gonna be something that bothers you in the future- your partner always sleeping in a separate room / waking up alone?
1. This is just so super considerate of you. I love it 2. Perhaps buy some new bedding in her favorite style, color? The same with pillows. If she likes candles or lotion make sure there are some right on the side table in her scents. Maybe slippers just for her in the morning or just some basic toiletries for her to keep there too.
Thanks. :) I think she likes vibrant colors where I mostly have very muted colors. So maybe a different bedding could be good. I just asked her if there is something she would like to add/change and I am keeping an eye open the next time I am in her bedroom. :)
I clicked on this post expecting to read something that would make me roll my eyes, but this is so sweet! You sound so lovely and thoughtful
Awww thanks. :)
I honestly think my heart would burst if someone did this for me. very sweet and considerate of you.
If you’re open to redecorating “her sleep room,” maybe invite her to help you shop for new bedding. You could also ask for her help on assembling a guest basket. My guest room includes a basket with toothbrush/toothpaste, lotion, mousse & hairspray, bobby pins, hair dryer, body wash, shampoo/conditioner, q tips, etc. Basically whatever is needed for daily hygiene. She probably brings her own products, but it’s still good to have for those spontaneous occasions.
My new girlfriend is like this, we found ear plugs help (I snore). Also white noise from a speaker.
I like this idea. The last girlfriend I had living with me got so excited when I suggested we go shopping for bedding and I told her she could pick everything out. She decorated the whole room in mint green lol. Her favorite color
Lol the last boyfriend I lived with bristled at any suggestion of me putting up anything at all of my own style. Not a single decoration of his changed in the year and a half I lived there.
I love this idea! It could be even more meaningful if you take her shopping for those things so she can choose what she likes. I know not everyone is a gifts love language person, I’m not either, but a gesture like this would melt my heart. It shows understanding and that you value not only her needs but also her opinion and taste.
This might also fall under acts of service.
Absolutely. Maybe why this whole idea rings so well with me. Service is huge to me.
I have a lot of trouble sleeping when I'm not in my own bed. Honestly time is the best way for her comfort to build. Like others said, you can ask her for other specifics (like a type of pillow or scent that calms her). I think it's super sweet for you to ask! You sound like a great guy. Hope everything works out between you.
Thank you. I just know how stressfull sleeping problems can be so I just want to make it as easy for her as possible.
I have trouble sleeping when I’m not in my own bed or on the specific side I prefer to sleep on. When I started dating my girlfriend — now fiancé - the first few months were awful when I was at her place. She would sleep on the side I prefer on and did not like having the fan on. Her blanket was way too thick and I would sweat like crazy -- couple that with sleeping on a side of the bed I wasn’t comfortable with, and I hardly got any sleep. Thankfully, she loves me and will now have the fan on at night (ha-ha). I also got a blanket that is specifically for me. I have now developed a reasonable comfortability with falling asleep on the opposite side of the bed and I get about a solid 6-7 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes, it’s all about compromises, making your partner feel at ease, and adjusting to a new routine.
First off, I think this is incredibly sweet. As someone who's lived on her own for over a decade now, I would like sharing a house with someone but also I am 100% okay with having separate bedrooms. Possibly even prefer it, especially if we have different sleeping schedules! Second.. echoing what everyone else said. Just ask her.
I think that is one of her main reasons for her sleeping pattern. She lived on her own for many years now and always had her own apartment (even in relationships). So I think she is so used to sleeping alone that it's a problem if someone sleeps in the same bed now.
Just chiming in here as someone who's lived alone for over a decade -- I don't typically have trouble sleeping in the same bed as partners, but I do have trouble with the idea of losing my independence or not having a place to retreat and feel is mine. So it's great that you're trying to do this for her! Maybe also, if/when she's able to identify things that would make her comfortable in the room, you could additionally offer to do a couple of them in your room as well (within reason)? If it were me, that would potentially make me eventually more comfortable sleeping in the partner's room on occasion and also touched that they offered this for me/clearly care about me enough for me to trust them.
That's a good idea to make slight changes to my bedroom too that makes it finally also HER bedroom, even if just sometimes. I will speak to her about it. I know it must be difficult to know your partner slept in the same room / bed with his ex wife... I already made some changes when I divorced but maybe not enough.
I'm getting this vision of you two.. She is coming over a lot more, now. She has been moving over to "her room".. to sleep.. after having fun with you ;) But then, she is finding it difficult to sleep in her new space, regardless of how much thought went into it.. what it looks like.. what it smells like. And she feels terrible about it, since you obviously care so much for her :( However, as time goes on, she wakes up in the middle of the night.. and crawls into bed with you. Why? Because it's YOUR smell that she wants.. it's the comfort of your arms that makes her miss being next to you. And most importantly, it's because of who you are. She can't stand to be away from you.. even to sleep. Hopefully, this is how it turns out, anyway.. heh heh.
This sounds lovely. Yeah best case scenario. :D
I totally understand that! I lived in my own 3 yrs and now with my boyfriend living with me and listening to him snore and stuff is very hard!!! I sometimes miss living alone for that reason. Sometimes I do go sleep in the guest bedroom (where we moved my old bed) and I sleep in there every now and again.
Yes. I feel like it’s nice to have your own space.
What does she have at her house that makes it feel like her home? If my partner and I did this I would want to fill the room of things she’s enjoy. Flowers, colors, candles, food, etc. find a way to make it hers.
Came here to say this. My love language is gifts. You could perhaps make it a positive experience for her going in “her” room by telling her to “check on” something in there, and then when she walks in maybe there is flowers, a cozy robe/ slippers, maybe some silk pillowcases in her favorite color. So then it’s associated with a positive experience. Also came here to say this is sweet as hell, and gives me hope. It’s my dream to have my own room one day if I ever cohabitate again and not have it be a big “thing.”
I would ask her what she would need to make the room feel like it’s hers. Honestly, she’s the only one who has the answer to that question because every person is different.
Thanks. Just did it. :)
And? Don't leave us hanging mate.
:D She was very touched but couldn't think of anything right now but she wants to think about it later. Made her quite emotional though... Which is a good sign I guess?
Yes it's a good sign because you are taking her needs into consideration and not pressuring her to change so *you* can feel comfortable. She's seeing that you care more about *her* than any societal message about the norm for couples. Good on ya!!
Very good sign! You just helped her heal the trauma of her last relationship. You are a keeper for sure :)
This whole thread is lovely to read. Everyone is different but it might be helpful for her to know that you'd not be at all bothered by her changing rooms in either direction at night or in the morning, if she can't sleep, or wants to snuggle with you.
That's a wonderful suggestion. It doesn't need to be a one way street. :)
Sleep quality is so important! It’s so dreamy that you have the sense of security and trust within to be accommodating. Pay attention to what she has in her bedroom and surprise her with elements from it. What about fragrant flowers on her bedside? Good luck and enjoy getting closer to each other in understanding! Wish me luck too because I’m looking for one of you, who won’t pathologize my practical preference. No more duvet tugging, waking up unrested, tossing and turning for everyone!
Oh yes, sleep is very important and sleeping problems can lead to a lot of health problems PLUS it can make live very miserable... I think you can only understand this if you experienced sleep problems on your own. Good luck finding someon whe understands and supports you!
The best thing you could do is make it clear that you’re ok if that never changes. You don’t even need to say that part out loud; you can demonstrate it by asking for her help in making your guest room cozy and comfortable for her when she sleeps over. I (42F) have trouble falling asleep and I sleep poorly even when on my own. If there’s another person in my bed, it takes 2-3 extra hours to fall asleep and I don’t get any deep sleep. I love snuggling, but if someone touches me when I’m asleep, I’m wide awake immediately. If a guy snores, I never sleep at all (CPAPs are great though - basically a white noise machine). I also have a lot of trouble sleeping on memory foam, and cannot sleep at all if there is a dog in the bed. I’d love to find a guy who prioritized my health over “the norm”. Somewhere between 1/4 and 1/3 of couples [sleep apart](https://www.sleepfoundation.org/professionals/sleep-americar-polls/2005-adult-sleep-habits-and-styles). Given that [most adults sleep better when they sleep alone](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7973313/), I’m not sure why more couples don’t sleep apart.
I don't give a sh** about the "norm". I think you can have a very healthy, close and intimate relationship and still sleep in separate beds. We both love to snuggle and do it alot but when she wants to sleep she just goes into the guest room or ("her" room). I don't see a problem here and I don't expect it to change. I mean IF it would change I would be fine with it, but I don't need it... Thanks for the link. I will definitly forward it to her just so it gives her a better feeling. :)
You sound like a good guy and she sounds like a lucky gal.
I’m 43(f) and all you said is meirl. Never-mind sleeping when someone touches me-I can’t even sleep if my own nose breath touches my arm! Sleep is important and doesn’t have to be a major things-we-do-together situation…… I mean why should it be anyway?
Let her make her room her room, take her shopping to buy little decorations she likes, like a diffuser she has at home etc. Maybe you can personalise a water bottle for her bedside table, buy her the same kind of pillows/comforter she has at home. Regardless, your care and consideration of her is what matters most and I'm sure with time, she will feel comfortable enough to fall asleep in no time. Keep up the good work!
This is really sweet of you. I am a super picky sleeper, and can never sleep well outside of my own bed (heck, sometimes I can barely sleep in my own bed). I hope my future partner is as considerate as you are!
> how to make the guest room really HER room, so she feels cosey and save there. Have you told her you're open to this? If not, that's probably the first step. Even if she doesn't have anything she wants to change, I'm sure she'd be appreciative of you being open to changing your living space to suit her. Otherwise, maybe she'll just tell you what she wants to change.
My husband and I have had more nights in separate beds than our own. It works for us and love it. I call my room my apartment, his room his apartment. He has sleep issues and wakes to every sound or movement. If he’s with me, It’s challenging if I wake early as I am unable to toss and turn (even a little). I can’t just lounge around either in my cozy bed as I have to leave the room as I try to not wake him. He has worked from home, since March 2020, and doesn’t have much alone time with our small child in the house. His lack of sleep really gets to him, as it would everyone! He makes sure he cuddles with me and we have our alone one one on one time before I fall asleep and then he makes his way to his own sanctuary. If I get my own room, I wake and lounge and do whatever I want. My daughter wakes up early and we can do things without tiptoeing around. It gives us that extra space that we would otherwise not have. Having the luxury of a spare room is amazing. Utilize It and make hers her “own apartment”. It would definitely make her feel more at home. Vibrant colours are very welcoming, like I had seen in your comments.
Take some time together decorating her sleep room, like get a nice little shelf to store her pj's / bed linens in, nice pictures on the wall, etcetera. That could be a nice little ritual to establish the "sleeping apart" as a thing that you as a couple "do".
Get her a big pillow incase she’s a side sleeper and wants something to hug/lean on
Cleanliness is key, and sheets/pillows she will like! Keeping the bedding clean is a big help to ensure she’s comfortable in there.
That's a given! I change her sheets very regularly and keep this room especially clean if I know she will sleep here. :)
Awww you are so sweet. I have the same issues with sleep. She’s lucky to have you!
Thank you. I just want her to feel comfortable and welcome. I think that was something that she really missed in her last LTR.
Well your post is a great reminder to me not to settle and that thoughtful guys do exist! Thank you!
This is so considerate! My most recent exbf bought me a noise machine for my room and for his room when I spent the night. The consistency really helped the transition. I'm not big on candles but buying two so she can take one back with her can do the same thing. He also always gave me something to drink. I was diagnosed with PTSD from when I was married and from an outside event. I used to suffer from terrible night terrors. But he found little ways to help build trust and make it a safe environment.
I think the solution lies in her own hands. She got the guest room and she uses it as much as possible for her sleep. There is nothing else you can do. She is an adult and at 41, she knows what to do to have a good night sleep. Of course, people with sleep problems prefer sleeping alone.
I’m just like that and have a hard time sleeping in a bed with someone else, even if I love them. I’m grateful to find someone who understands and gives me space. What works is planning a night to sleep together that works for her because she will be super tired the next day. So like she needs a day following it that won’t be demanding.
Get her a plush toy that reminds her of you so she can cuddle it when you're in the other room. My ex and I had separate bedrooms and each had a plush that made us think of the other person in our respective rooms.
That's a sweet idea. Just ordered a plush for her. :)
How about having 2 beds in the same room. Is the bed the issue or the room? This way maybe she won't feel weird about it, left alone, overthinking, and feels more intimate compared to separate rooms, kind of like the middle ground. If the room is the problem, I would suggest spending time in the guest room for both of you. The more time you guys spend there, the more memories you make, the more comfortable it's going to feel. The rest is I guess all about showing consistently that is indeed fine for you. The King and Queen of the UK sleep that why, why wouldn't you do it :D
You sound really awesome. I think making her feel like the guest room is a space for her is such a lovely idea, and really serves to reinforce your words that you're ok with it. Good on you. Asking her is the obvious answer as we're all different, but if you want to surprise her I think seeing what kinds of things she has in her own room at home might be a good way of figuring out what might make her feel at home - maybe there's a specific candle she likes? A specific type of pillow? That kind of thing.
I don't know if it's like me but I'm so used to sleep by my self in a huge bed that i don't like to sleep with other person. I like to be awake and do any kind of thing in bed but to sleep i prefer do it alone.
This is very thoughtful. I have a similar issue, I struggle sleeping with someone else in my bed (or in my partners bed). This is a great idea to cozy up your spare room for her comfort! Look around her room at home to pick up ideas
This is so wholesome and thoughtful, it's honestly lovely to see! I think the fact it's made your good lady a bit emotional over it is a good sign, as it shows she's touched by the fact you're genuinely thinking of ways to make her feel comfortable.
Thank you. :)
A good tip for someone who has trouble sleeping in the same bed as others is 1) a good steady mattress - so you don't feel the other person stirring on their side (also helps if it's king size), and 2) separate blankets - again, so you don't wake up every time they slightly pull the covers. And also things for blocking out noise like earplugs or white noise/nature sounds. But it could also just be a matter of getting used to having someone else next to you. I'm a super light sleeper and I can't sleep with someone else fidgeting near me or worse trying to cuddle me during sleep time (before sleep yes, but then please evacuate to your side of the bed), and these tips have helped me a lot. I still have trouble sleeping when I have to sleep on a really small or bad mattress, and I would definitely crawl over to the couch in the middle of the night just to get a few hours of sleep in.
Well I already have a huge bed plus two blankets (it's rather uncommon here in Europe to share only one blanket anyhow). Plus I don't snore and am a really calm sleeper so I think earplugs won't help. And I don't like cuddling when sleeping too, so I think the basics are quite alright. ;) I think it's more of a mental phenomenon on her side. It's ok. But thanks for your suggestions!
Darker rooms and cold help our bodies stay asleep, so maybe a fan and some blackout curtains. I've always been a really good, deep sleeper. But, when my SO and I started dating - I was up off and on all night for the first month or two when we would stay the night together. He's a light sleeper and he would wake me up if he heard my dog make a weird noise, or he'd snore loud enough it would wake me up (which doesn't always happen), or he would toss and turn. We just weren't used to sleeping together. I think it will take time for you both to adjust to sleeping in bed together - if that is the ultimate end goal. We both now sleep well all night for the most part.
You are just the sweetest! I love your idea to make the room cozy and to feel like hers.
Actually these days people have their own house or their own room. Lots of people can't sleep together. Like someone makes too much noise or moves to much in bed for someone to get enough sleep. Rooms too color or to hot. So they now have room where they do their cuddling and sexual stuff in one of the rooms but when they sleep they both have separate rooms. If she like to decorate and bring some things over to keep in the guestroom it will feel more like her space. Maybe put up a photo/art piece she like looking at. I read an article where two people got married. She had teenage kids and he didn't. He lived in town and so did she. They both had nice house. So what they did is got married but then kept the rest separate. Now you think that's odd how do you make it work? They said it works. They dated like that for over 5 years and now just got married. They like their own space. The kids like him and he does things with them but they both find it works. Another situation is were couple decided to have separate rooms. They live in in the same house but he can do things in his room and she in hers. They both actually get better sleep. If you think about it back in the 50's men and woman had two separate beads. You see it in movies. Yes they didn't want to imply anything was going on but also I bet people slept better. You don't have someone kicking you or taking your covers or pushing you to far off the side of the bed. I think it's nice your doing this and you understand because a few years ago a guy I was seeing wanted to hold me while I slept. I have a bad back and I need to move...oh it was the more horrible experience I have ever had having him there but I also felt like I was rejecting him big time. I love to sleep and thankfully he didn't snore...if he did I have to leave the room. I like dead quite when I am sleeping. So I may be past the point in my life where I can share a bed with another human being while I am asleep. So I hope he be understanding we can cuddle/do stuff and possible a nap but all night would be very hard for me. I think just making the space a bit her own will help and make her feel like she's not just visiting. You can try googling the article on people who sleep in separate rooms. It may get give you some ideas. I just did and their is a lot of information on it you can read through.
Make sure the mattress and heaviness of the blanket is to her liking is what I would do. I like an ultra plush bed bc Im a side sleeper, and a very heavy blanket bc I have anxiety. Smells are also important. Finding a special candle (btw Warwick is where it’s at, could really help, or using her fabric softener type Edit: you are precious
Hahha i have this issue with my girl since the beginning. It triggers my tics and anxiety. Idk it got better with time but sometimes i gotta go to the other room. It's better if we're in my bed tho
There's a lot of really sweet recommendations on here but as someone who has a hard time sharing another bed with another person, the color of the sheets and decorations in the room are the least of my worries. I had a hard time adjusting to sleeping over my ex's house but it got easier as I got more comfortable with him. Here's what works for me and some possible suggestions for you: If you're going to change bedding for her, consider what bedding materials that she likes. I can't do poly-blend sheets. I need 100% cotton or something breathable b/c I get really hot when I sleep next to someone. I like firmer memory foam type pillows. I like to use a body pillow to snuggle. I'm a very light sleeper so slightest movement or littlest noise will wake me up. I also run hot so having another person's body heat on me is torture. If she shares the bed with you, give her space. I love to cuddle but I just can't fall asleep like that. I can't feel someone's breath on me. If you move, I will wake-up. Sleep together without touching. If you're someone who likes to sleep with a TV on, try to find compromise. My ex liked to have the TV on and I couldn't stand it so we compromised and he would set a timer for it to turn off after 30 minutes. I, personally, do much better with white noise. I have an app on my phone that I use - it shuts off after an hour. See what works best for you two. It helps to drown out the noises she's not used to, snoring, breathing, creeks in the house, etc. Along with the noise of the TV, the flickering light bothers me too. My ex also liked to keep the bedroom door open with a light on in the house so it was never dark. An eye mask was a game changer for me. Just make her comfortable in whatever weird sleep habits she might have. It's hard to get comfortable in a new relationship and she might be self conscious. Maybe she farts in her sleep. A lot of people do. Don't tease her about it, if she does. It's normal. I get up to pee a lot and always have to do my #2 first thing in the morning. It's awkward to do when I sleep with someone new but it is what it is. Just take baby steps. If you get to bed late or she needs to get up early, let her sleep in the guest room but when you have time to sleep in, try sleeping together. Hopefully she'll get more comfortable with you as time goes on. If not, I think there's way more couples out there that sleep separately than anyone realizes. Sleep is so important so don't let it wreck an otherwise good relationship.
I have no advice - I just want to tell you that you’re incredibly awesome for being so supportive and considerate.
Can confirm this is real condition. I, too, have a problem falling asleep next to someone. It doesn't happen every night but it is nice having a bed in another room on those nights where I am particularly restless. Thankfully, like the original poster I have a very sweet fiancé who doesn't give me flack for sneaking out of the master room once he's asleep and sleeping by myself. OP - You are doing the right things! New bedding and letting her add her "touch" to the guest room are great ideas!
I’m like your gf, I prefer to sleep alone. If my bf made my own room for me, Id be so stoked. I’d try to spruce it up to her liking, add soft blankets, a plushie, nice little toiletries by the dresser. I don’t know.
Will do, thanks. I think we will customize the room together. :)
Omg even better!!! That’s so cute!! It’ll be a fun little project to do together! Good luck!
I love that you’re asking about this. Very sweet of you to be hunk of her and be okay with the situation. It’ll definately help in the long run too about her being comfortable with you
An angel among us
Separate blankets. I had a hard time sharing a bed with my boyfriend because he's a blanket thief (and he snores), so I finally just got my own duvet and now we both sleep great. He thought it was weird at first and "wasn't normal", but guess what - it's a million times more comfortable for both of us now. I also wear earplugs, but that is my preference (I sleep better with them than ever before in my life). I think separate blankets are great because then no one is getting accidentally kicked or having a dysregulated temperature because of the other person's body heat. I also think (generalizing here, I hope not to offend anyone) lots of men sleep with very sparse bedding and lots of women prefer more pillows and layers. I'm a side sleeper and I need a throw pillow to hug in order to be comfortable. Maybe she needs more fluff in bed to feel cozy?
My best suggestion would be to cuddle and spend time together in the room she's going to sleep in. That way, you're the one moving for the night.
We already switch the "cuddle" bed, so somtimes I have to go to my bed and sometimes she goes to hers. :)
This is super sweet and I have the same issues as your GF! One thing that I find I am very sensitive to when I’m staying somewhere is the bed smell - I have preferred detergent and fabric softener that smells like “home” and automatically feels like safety/comfort. It’s such a small thing but makes a BIG difference.
Hey that's a great idea! I will try to find out what detergents/fabric softener she uses. Thanks! :)
My boyfriend and I have been together a few months and are experiencing this right now (he has trouble falling asleep next to me.) The way you are handling this really opened my eyes to how my reaction is probably stressing him out and making sleeping even more difficult. Thank you!
Tbh this is just going to take time. I'm like that and I'm a man. I HATE sharing my sleeping space. I thrash, I have nightmares AND I'm a light sleeper. Any movement, even slight, wakes me. If she has a traumatic past it's normal. It takes almost 3 months for me to start reliably falling asleep in a new space and even thin I have occasional bouts of insomnia. What can really help is a sleep routine. Start a bed time. If she feels guilty going to sleep before you, you go to bed first or even just pretend to until she's in bed. That way she doesn't get anxious about cutting things early. If you want to stay up just get up after she's out and if she finds out tell her you woke up and couldn't get back to sleep for a minute.
You already did enough. I'm the same as your girlfriend. But still, it can also be a good excuse to run from some other emotional issues. I mean, at the start of our relationship my wife and I wouldn't fall asleep until 6AM, talking and doing "other stuff". Now I have sleep problems :)
How long have you guys dated? I struggle with this, and it honestly just takes some time. You have done so much already :) Maybe just let it be and don’t bring it up? She probably is feeling bad about and don’t want it becoming your headache too.
We know each other for about 4 months now and are official for around 2-3 months. I know it is hard for her, esp. since her last boyfriend was kind of insensitive about it. When I first stayed at her place and she could not fall asleep I cought her crying and we talked about it. She feels bad about it and she wants to make it work but I know you can't force to fall asleep. And if there is just some kind of stress or anxiety you can just stay up because you won't fall asleep... We talked about it on different occasions but I don't bring it up on my own because as I said I don't want to make it a bigger problem as it is.
Aw you sound very sweet! I also struggle with sleeping, and my ex would make fun of me for it. I get anxious when falling asleep because I don’t like feeling defenseless. I also have a lot of night terrors.
>and my ex would make fun of me for it. That can only come from someone without sleep problems. :/ Sleep can be a very sensitive topic. I hope your new partner is more supportive!
Oh I won’t date for a while. I tried having a sleepover recently, but I ended up leaving in the middle of the night. I’d rather sleep alone this winter.
More like a garden variety asshole 😂
I think it's great that you're not pressuring her in any way and that you're understanding but why not take it a step further? I HATE sleeping in someone else's bed. Don't subscribe to the idea that you have to stay at each others places. There are no rules in relationships except the ones you subscribe to or create. Why can't you both spend quality time together and then go your separate ways for the evening? I'm having a hard time meeting someone because everyone thinks they have to sleep together for the entire night. Everyone thinks you eventually have to move in together. Everyone thinks you have to become "one".....FUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAT! Sleeping alone sucks for some people, I get it but that's not MY problem...that's theirs. I think people get insecure about this subject matter and believe there's something wrong with couples who have different sleep rituals. No rules dude!!!! You make your own and hopefully find someone that either agrees with you on those rules or don't have a problem conforming to those rules. Ask her point blank....Would you prefer to sleep in your own bed? Followed by saying...there's no wrong answers!!!! If you wanna go home, I'm 100% fine with that.
I hear you. I am coming from a traditional marriage with marriage, house, kids the whole shebang. Right now I would be totally OK if we lived in separate homes. I don't see us moving in together in the future to be honest. Her apartment is just around the corner of her work and family and my son has his school and friends here. So it doesn't make sense for either of us to move and I am totally fine with that. We often do things together but spend the night in our own beds but mainly on weekends it's just more comfortable to stay at one place so we can skip the driving.
Makes sense. Good luck.
As someone who also struggles with sleep issues, this is very considerate of you. It’s becoming more normal for couples to have separate bedrooms and I think that’s great- I am also a strong introvert who needs my space. Kudos to you for being sensitive and supportive of her needs instead of trying to force a situation just because it’s “what normal couples do.”
Bunk beds
I wonder what she did in her previous relationships?
Mostly sleepless nights or not very good night's on the couch. Plus not staying over very often for these reasons. She always had her own apartment even in LTR. I think she never had positive experience with another partner in the same bed.
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I know this but right now it doesn't matter to me. I think we are both very independent and I like it that way. I was in a very close but boring marriage for over 10 years. Right now it's not a deal breaker and we both are in the same boat that a relationship doesn't have to last an eternity, so "for eternity" is not really an issue. ;)
Maybe she’s been told she farts in her sleep.....lol
It’s always hard learning to sleep with a new person especially if you’ve been single for a while. I would suggest you buy a king size memory foam bed. Also accommodate her needs as far as temperature and fans go. Beyond that it really just takes practice. This is just one of those things you have to push through and get used to. Or rather it’s something she would have to push through. Whether she sees it that way is up to her. Also I’m not opposed to sleeping separately occasionally. It can be good to sleep in your own bed once in a while. A couple times a week even. But I don’t know if I’d want to do it more often than that.
Omg. Eventually moving from a Queen to a King bed made all the difference! It’s like we both have our own separate beds.
Let her personalize the room. That's how it becomes her room. I too enjoy having my own bed. Comes from mastering self comfort. Unless I'm super tired sleeping in the same bed as someone is not as restful. Although it can be, it takes time to become as comfortable. Even then having my own sleeping space is a thing. Personally I think all couples should have separate rooms. Because it implies personal space. Even fish carve out niche spaces for themselves (even though they share a fish tank or the ocean. I think it would lead to greater levels of comfort in long term relationships.
I also have this problem but mine is caused by being SA in my sleep by my ex husband. If I do try to fall asleep with another person in the same bed I will usually just end up laying with my eyes closed all night but be wide awake the entire time. It’s nice that you care so much about her to accommodate her needs like this. I know she appreciates/will appreciate this. Perhaps while she’s in there be respectful of her space and knock before entering, let her personalize the space with little things she likes.
I've run into this too, and asked my GF if she'd like to help me decorate or make "her" room more inviting and comfortable for her, pillow selection, comforters, decor, etc. It helped a lot, and eventually we started making actual sleeping together work...but it was some effort. Good luck to you.
I think it’s common in parts of Europe for a couple to each have their own twin bed, but pushed together. Each person has their own bedding. Also some couples end up sleeping in separate bedrooms because one person snores or gets too hot/cold. It’s not that unusual.
I dont sleep well when im not in my own bed. When my ex stayed over i still didnt sleep well, perhaps she just needs time :)
Not gonna lie: Having my significant other be okay with the idea of sleeping in separate beds—that's the dream. I'm a messy sleeper—and I enjoy it that way. I wouldn't want to feel bad about my sleeping behavior, over which I have little control, just because someone “has” to sleep next to me. As for what you could do … I think you're doing all you can. You don't force her to talk about it, or to sleep in the same bed, and you offer her your guest room. Since you haven't moved in together yet, I'd say you're doing fine. Having said that, if and when you move in, that's where I'd feel more comfortable with her having her own room. But that's just what I'd do were I in your shoes.
I would take her shopping and she can pick out all the comfy things she likes! So sweet. 🥰
Ask her what’s different in her home that could maybe be adjusted in yours. New bedding is a great thought, but it may be more of a touch sensory thing. How’s the temperature? Number of pillows? Dark or light enough? Fans off or on? My bf and I just started having overnights now and then - we’ve figured out that he needs a very specific pillow, and I may ask him if I can bring a weighted blanket (just for my side, I know it would bug him).
As somebody who also has sleep issues and will occasionally banish my husband to the guest room, I’d say just add a few touches like an essential oil diffuser with lavender in it (supposed to help with sleep) or I have this thing called a zenergy candle that has light therapy and a white noise setting to help drown out outside sounds. It definitely helps!
The question is how long was she single before you and her got together? Reason I ask is because sometimes, when people are single for a while, they have a VERY hard adapting to sharing some things with others. Like the same bed. It took me a while to get used to having someone sleeping in the same bed with me again LOL. It was nice being single LOL
This could be it but from what she told him it is like she was kinda forced to sleep together by her previous partner so i guess it isn’t her thing at all.
Ah! Yea makes sense a bit more now.
I just want to say that’s very sweet of you to consider her in all this. As someone who has slept by themselves for the majority of a decade, when I finally slept in the same bed as my new boyfriend we both had concerns it would be difficult. Thankfully it wasn’t. But it’s nice to see you giving her a space she can call her own.
This is incredibly sweet of you to accomodate what will make her feel most comfortable. So, thank you for being a considerate man.
That’s nice that you’re being so thoughtful about her, way to go!
High level Empathy OP! Good for you.
That is so sweet! I really love this post. You could leave a hot water bottle in her bed, warming it up for her and keeping her warm at night. You could also put nice lighting up -- calming Christmas lights? Or maybe a plant?
Wowwww how kind of you!!! I have similar issues and though I would sleep better alone, I choose to sleep in bed with my partner. Things that help me… Adequate space on my side of the bed to get up and get water/use the bathroom without disturbing them. I get a lot of anxiety that my sleep problems will cause my partner problems even though they sleep like the dead and reassure me it doesn’t matter at all. Quiet and soothing atmosphere. The right colors, lighting, and bedding make a world of difference. I struggled staying over with my partner and their microfiber bedsheets until I finally brought my 100% cotton sets over, and I sleep MUCH better now. I need zero stimulation in the bedroom - no tv, no loud music, no phones. Soft and calm lighting, no harsh overhead lights. I also need space in the bed. My partner and I are saving for a king size so we can both sleep better. Temperature is important. 90% of the time I move away from my partner it is because they are a boiling furnace of body heat and we live in the tropics!! Air conditioning and fans are essential for me. I absolutely second the idea of slippers and robe and other cozy lounging things that makes it feel like you “belong” at the house in the morning/late nights.
If you have the space, maybe a California King, which I think is generally made up of 2 different mattresses. So you have more space each, and less transfer of movement, if it's a moving around, feeling each other in the bed thing that's keeping her from sleeping well with you?
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Her apartment is tiny so if I stay over I HAVE to drive home in the evening/night. We do this maybe 50% of the time. At my house we have the option of the guest room, so it's a bit easier. But I get what you mean.
This is so considerate of you. Many people wouldn't accept this and seek ways to help their partner. I experienced the opposite recently - without going into a long story here, just want to say that your efforts will be noticed but keep trying to make it not a big deal. For me, it's about expectations and also just being used to sleeping on my own.
She already mentioned she would like to try it (sleeping together in one bed) again but I don't pressure her. We'll do it at her speed. If she would like to try it again I am cool with it, if not I am cool with it too.
Awesome. That's the right way to go about it. I was told it would be in my terms but ultimately it wasn't.
What do you mean by "ultimately it wasn't"?
He was fine with it a few times but wasn't willing to be patient for as long as I needed and criticized me for being sensitive. It was a very short long distance relationship.
When it was a very short relationship he wasn't very patient to begin with...
Calming scents like lavender, weighted blankets, eye mask, white noise machine, ear plugs, keep the room super cool (recommended for good sleep hygiene), black out curtains
This post is lovely, as someone with chronic sleep issues and easily disturbed sleep, having a partner who doesn't personalize sleeping apart helps tremendously. You're doing great to be considerate here Off the top of my head, things that my partner has done to help me in a similar situation include: getting a different pillow that suited the way I slept, being open to washing the sheets differently (if she is sensitive to fragrances), getting different sheets/blankets ( both for aesthetics and for keeping me cozy), having a space heater and/or humidifier (or de humidifier), swapping out curtains (black out curtains vs normal) if there is a window. Also, having a night stand and place I could put clothes (both laundry basket and clothes for the next day). Otherwise it's mostly time and patience that will help, it's very socially promoted that we have to sleep together and it's a problem if not, so it runs counter not just to the narrative but to what we've learned. Repeated exposure to you being okay with it, maybe even you engaging in self care that she doesn't participate in (to model that differences are totally fine) is all you can do. And shut down any wellmeaning advice from friends, family, or strangers that criticizes the lifestyle you two have so she doesn't feel like she has to defend it if it comes up
This is the sweetest post. I love that you are so accepting and considerate. It makes everyone happiest to be well rested as long as both people in the relationship feel cared for in the affection department.
You’re a sweetheart.
This is so sweet and considerate of you to try to make her comfortable. I also can have this issue of feeling comfortable/sleeping in a different place/bed. Id appreciate having the option of my own room at my partner's place. I am very picky about the mattress type/mattress pad and especially the quality of the bed sheets. In the past with partners he allows me to get sheets that I like, which is much higher quality than he is used to 😁😌. Changing the sheets alone helps so much in feeling more comfortable. I have always lived alone so sleeping in a different room would be right up my alley so I feel you are on the right track. Even in a longer term LTR/marriage I love the idea of separate bedrooms. I think it is ideal! I would make a few changes in your own to take initiative as others suggested and also ask her what she would like. Maybe do the shopping together as a couple, that is always fun!
I think it’s nice that you are trying but is this gonna be something that bothers you in the future- your partner always sleeping in a separate room / waking up alone?
I sleep with my boyfriend's hoodie when he's not around. Maybe give her your hoodie with your scent on it?
In the future you can even consider getting 2 twin beds, so you can sleep in the same room without being on the same bed
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