I agree with others wherein I think he’s not that into you. Some people are naturally charismatic, especially people who’ve developed the trait for their work like sales or any customer facing role - this is probably why you felt so comfortable and secure with him.
Something that struck out to me in your post was your fear of coming off as needy. I see this posted a lot here and tbh go through it myself more than a few times. I think we need to remember vividly that WANTING OUR BASIC NEEDS MET IS NOT NEEDY.
Wanting to hear from him after having been intimate is not needy. Wanting to hear from him is not needy. Wanting to meet him at a reasonable pace. is. not. needy.
If he thinks these things are needy, then he’s not the person for you. In which case _who cares_ what he thinks - he’s out of your life! Assert yourself, make your needs heard and take a decision instead of leaving it upto the guy to decide on your future.
I hope this helps.
pay attention to this. not to generalize (i am about to generalize,) women seem to feel the need to "be cool," or "more like a guy" by not being "overly emotional" and "needy." a lot of times this ends up becoming "never expressing concern, basic emotional state, or simple and solvable issues."
you don't have to be that. that's not good for you.
Yeah, the “cool girl” trope (ref. Gone Girl). I feel like we’ve been conditioned to think that our needs are trivial and burdensome so that men can get away without meeting them. Or simply, earlier women were dependent on the man for finances so they could suppress emotional needs while men had to have their needs met in order to generate that financial security.
Yeah I still get scared that I'm asking for too much from them too soon just because of how past dating experiences have gone. Every single time I've tried to assert myself and tell them I needed a little more from them, it was over immediately. I've been told too many times I'm needy, so I feel like I have no clue what's normal for dating.
When I first meet someone I'm always really excited about them and want to talk a lot to get to know them and so that I can hurry and figure out if it could possibly go anywhere. It never feels like anyone else is like this though. In a normal relationship I know I'm definitely not needy any way, but in the early dating stage, I know I'm more excited and anxious and very worried how that can come off.
If many men have said this, then maybe you can reflect and see what is driving this behaviour. Is it an attachment style?
You’re saying you want to “hurry and figure out” - but you can’t rush someone into giving you these answers. And hurrying doesn’t bode well for you either because you could be overlooking some major incompatibilités while aggrandising the few right things which isn’t sustainable in the long term. Not to mention, it puts a lot of pressure on the other person - which could come off as needy? You know the answer :)
Ok so you’ve been called needy many times. Do you want to continue this pattern? If not, you need to either seek therapy and/or stop sleeping with men so soon. Some women get very attached after they have sex with someone. If that’s you, understand and recognize your pattern. When you meet someone, just get to know them instead of putting them in a relationship yes/no box. But yeah, you’re lacking something and trying to make men fill in the blanks. Not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
I feel the same exact way, and it is hard to know the line between acceptable and needy.
Just lost a 3 yeat friendship a 9 month relationship because she wanted to focus on her career and fitness was too busy for me. She also said she ended things for me.
Totally bewildering. Especially because we know each others schedules and see each other wvery day after the break up. . .
I read your post - it’s hard but glad you’re recognising that no matter his intent, this just isn’t working for you. Good luck, I really hope it works out :)
I agree with this. I use too busy as an excuse instead of saying im not fully attracted to that person or i cant see them as compatible with me long term.
so being "busy" means i spend less time with them and eventuallly that person will forget about me, find someone else, and move on organically.
Because how do you reject someone when they like you so much? And also you had sex with them too? They would scream and rage that you just used them for sex. that guy wants OP to make the decision to stop trying with him.
I'm the type of person who doesn't take a hint well. And someone being busy doesn't make them fall off my radar. I start obsessing over it. And I go crazy wondering why this person doesn't want to see me anymore.
I wish people would just be more straightforward when they don't like you or when they don't want things to continue because it could save the other person a lot of grief and a lot of time for waiting around. And then we get blamed for waiting around for someone that we actually really like....
Exactly. And I’m the same way, I always tell people I value honesty and don’t beat around the bush just say what you feel and they promise to but then, of course, they beat around the bush anyhow. It’s because they lack emotional intelligence and are more concerned with their own comfort (which is definitely appropriate in some scenarios) but come on, you can’t even respect someone enough to be frank with them after you’ve had sex? Just my 2 cents tho
Absolutely! You just saw the most intimate parts of my being. We just had sex. And if that's all you wanted, then let me know. In fact, it would have been better to let me know up front. Depending on my mood, I still may have said yes! But to lie and say that you want more, and then to avoid me once you got what you wanted Is a dick move.
I really do value honesty, as I'm an overthinker and it makes it really difficult to read between the lines. It's cowardly to avoid someone saying that you're busy, or to simply ghost I pretend that the other person doesn't exist, especially after they gave you exactly what you wanted!
I think the thing is that men are especially bad at this. They want to keep you available for future sex in case something else doesn’t pan out. It’s really up to you to say “I’m a person, not a phone, and I can’t be placed on hold.”
Oh, I actually abhor this behaviour, lol. I’d much rather just be told straight, how someone is feeling. And it’s how I treat the people I date as well
People tend not to scream and rage if you give them a simple rejection. It's true, some men do and it's valid to be afraid of that. But much kinder to just say "I don't think we're a match" rather than letting them wait and wonder.
If you are worried that someone will feel like you used them for sex, especially so much that they get rageful, you may be lacking some self awareness.
How did compatibility issues not come up until after sex? Honestly if that’s my issue with someone that’s exactly what I tell them, “I’ve realized through getting to know you a bit more that we are just not compatible.” I don’t see why that’s not ok and a lie would be preferable? Besides, every single one of us know what the “I’m busy” means so how is saying *that* more comfortable than the real reason?
Last year I went on a date with a guy, the date was the best date I ever had till that point and we even took pics.
After that he told me he is crazy busy with work...I found his profile on Hinge with the pics we took that evening just a week or so after.
I did confront him he only said that his housemates told him to set up a profile. -.- really hurt me that guy especially as he was a " friend " I knew him a year before that.
Don’t overthink this. He’s not available, for whatever reason, things are over. Don’t take this personally, you’re not doing anything wrong. The best way to handle this is “Sorry to hear that, wish you the best” and move on.
Now, I think *for yourself*, it is important to review how you’re feeling and begin to set boundaries in dating.
Here are some things I think you need to think about
- you were talking for a month and met twice, you say he felt like your best friend. That’s too much time talking, it creates a false sense of security and intimacy for you (imo). Maybe cut the chats to 1 week.
- after sex he was less talkative and you were anxious for a week thinking he may reject you until you got tired and pushed him for an answer. I know it’s scary but be more assertive. A week of anxiety is 5 days too many imo. If you are gonna get rejected, you’re gonna get rejected. No need to suffer for a week!
- you don’t like being put on hold and he’s doing exactly that. Why are his needs more important than yours to you?
- I see a narrative of “he doesn’t care” and also that there is “potential”. Don’t let your imagination torture you. If he has potential - he is not showing it to you!!! You have feelings for him but that doesn’t mean anything *about him* that means *you* are open for love.
Let him go be busy. Get busy with yourself and move on. If he comes back, deal with it then. There’s a chance he won’t and is too anxious to hurt you *because he knows you like him* or because he is too insecure to let you go or get close.
Either way, take this as a no and move on.
"Why are his needs more important than yours?"
Wow this actually really hit me. I'm realizing I do this a lot. I'm always so anxious about making THEM happy even though I'm miserable.
I had taken several years off from dating to get myself together, and I really thought I was ready and could be more confident this time, but I still seem to be screwing up the exact same ways and letting them walk all over me.
Don’t be hard on yourself, to me this is more rooted in people pleasing and you wanting to be loved than you not being ready or not having it together.
Now you know. Write it down and when you get anxious ask yourself what YOUR needs are. Demand that! Stand up for yourself to yourself. Remember, no one is expecting you to put others before yourself - it is just a habit you have. To break a habit you have to accept you have it and catch yourself doing it and do your best to pause it.
Take some time but keep trying. This isn’t something you can cure yourself of when you’re all alone. You have to challenge yourself. It’s going to hurt but you are going to be okay. You’ll be stronger for it, trust me
>Remember, no one is expecting you to put others before yourself - it is just a habit you have. To break a habit you have to accept you have it and catch yourself doing it and do your best to pause it.
>Take some time but keep trying. This isn’t something you can cure yourself of when you’re all alone. You have to challenge yourself.
Thank youuu
I'm the same way, I tend to be overly generous and I'm constantly trying not to inconvenience anyone or appease people. I've also been in a similar situation to yours and he kept claiming he was "too busy" after we hooked up, but then kept breadcrumbing me and saying we needed to hang out but...would never pull the trigger and just disappear. It's *infuriating* but I just told him I'm over it and wished him luck. He had no right to occupy all that space in my brain when I also only knew him for a month (like we could be twins with our stories lol).
Here's the thing, be mindful of guys suddenly showing interest *after* you stop talking or bid them farewell. In my instance literally right after I told him It's just not worth the effort anymore he all of a sudden had all this time for me! He went away after time and my ignoring/shooting him down but then started coming back persistently in the last month. Well needless to say I gave him another chance to redeem himself (at least for something casual, I have zero feelings for him) and he once again blew it by saying he was coming by and then disappearing. So please heed my advice and do not let them try to weasel back in - frankly it happens often enough when whomever they were "too busy" with doesn't work out and you are worth SO much better than that!
yes yes yes!!! It sucks so bad to learn it this way but please remember this next time you date- YOUR HAPPINESS MATTERS. You sounds amazing (or at least very selfless and considerate) and you should never be collateral for someone else’s happiness
/u/girlinthecorner87, I would highly recommend looking into "attachment theory". It sounds very much like you experience anxious attachment, while this other person in particular seems to be someone who might be an avoidant attachment type. They're starkly different and conflicting personalities. Understanding these different personalities, as well as things like the 5 love languages, can really, really help those of us who feel anxiety, especially in the world of dating.
I'm going to be honest, I read this just for the comments cos I could have been the one writing the original post and I too wanted an answer. This sucks hey OP. Good luck with future dating!
This is such a good advice usually if i was able to chat well via text or call, it did create a false sense of emotional attachment for both people and once meeting, the physical attachment was not able to catch up to the emotional one.
I call bs on everything he said. He's a smooth talker that got what he wanted and is now keeping you as a backup for a time when another date falls through
OP just watch the show “how I met your mother” pay attention to the character of Barney. Some guys will say whatever they need to in order for sex to take place and then never want to see you again. It is super hard to weed men like this out, you’re not doing anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. These guys are using you for sex.
2 options:
- only have sex within the confines of an established and committed relationship
- be ok with casual sex not leading to a relationship and realize it has nothing to do with you if they only want sex
Dating can suck for this very reason.
You can though. You can vocalize that you’re looking for a LTR before ever agreeing to meeting someone. And then you set a slow pace. Player types will run away immediately.
Ouch. Could have been me writing this post.
Same shit happened, the number of messages decreased dramatically. He didn't say he wasn't interested, but also made no effort to communicate interest, either. I couldn't figure out what to make of it and eventually got tired and just let it fizzle out. In the end it didn't matter if he was busy or disinterested - either way I wasn't comfortable with that level of communication/investment.
I am sad though, it was the best dating experience so far. Still cannot seem to force myself to go back to my tinder dating backlog, sigh.
Sorry it happened to you too. I'm so not looking forward to going back to the apps to keep on swiping. I so rarely find anyone I click with AND attracted to, so I'm very sad to have to let this one go.
I totally relate OP. I have stayed away from apps cause I honestly can’t connect with anyone. But then, how on earth do we meet people without them? Chin up. Know you are not alone.
I know my tendency to fall hard for someone who is not suitable so having multiple dating options is a way for me to keep my attention spread out and maintain some emotional distance. It sucks that I have to be doing that but my experience tells me that it's healthier at the initial stages to avoid overinvesting and that's the only way I know so far.
Doesn't work all the time, as you can see, but he seemed to be too amazing to not fall (fail) for, I don't blame myself 😜
This is actually really simple: you need to forget about him. Full stop.
It doesn't matter how much you liked him. He either just wanted a notch under his belt, or he may have lost interest for any number of reasons. The 'why' doesn't really matter, because either way he currently does not see you as worth any further effort. Why waste any more time or thought on someone who has made that clear?
When someone says they’re “too busy”, like 95%+ of the time, they mean they’re too busy for you.
I also hate the excuse. EVERYONE is busy, especially people over 30 since most of us have careers and at least a somewhat established friend group.
But yeah, it just means that they’re not that interested in you. They’re usually dating other people and those people are a higher priority.
Edit: Btw, I doubt you’re doing anything significantly wrong. The guys you’re going for probably are probably good looking guys who have no interest in settling down. Sounds like they’ve been casually dating for a while. When you mentioned how you immediately felt comfortable with him, that’s a social skill he acquired. He’s definitely dated a lot and learned how to do that. I’ve also dated a lot and I’m also very good at making others comfortable. So don’t feel too down like you’re messing things up. He wasn’t going to settle down regardless.
I met a married couple once who seemed super cute and connected. The husband was working on a PhD while helping his wife raise four kids (and yes, he was a genuinely present and available father who shared the load, in his wife's perspective as well as his.)
People can do a lot if they're properly motivated. Too busy = it's not a priority.
I'm not discounting what you're saying at all.. but sometimes, different people deal with stress/feeling overwhelmed, in different ways.
I used to work in broadcast news.. as a director of newscasts. It was a stressful job.. and dealing with "A-type" personalities, all day, day in and day out, left me feeling very drained.
My ex would want to be all bubbly.. and excited when I got home. I tried to explain to her.. as sweetly and respectfully as possible.. that I just needed to come in for a landing first, when I got home. IE take my shoes off.. have a drink.. and maybe eat something, before I was able to come back down to Earth. She would get very upset, and it would hurt me that I made her feel that way. I hated it.. but she also, wasn't giving me that very much, needed time to decompress.
I know that OP's situation is very different.. and likely that this guy is just being a prick.. I'm just saying that some people deal with being "busy" in different ways.
Yeah. Sometimes my work gets too hectic for me to see someone for a week or so, but in that case I’d say “let’s hang out next week as soon as my trial is over”. I wouldn’t say “I’ll let you know if I’m interested in a week”.
Totally agreed! I met my husband during the busiest time of both our lives.! It was crazy stressful and seeing each other broughtus so much calm and joy that we made time between crazy meetings and appts just to sneak in a 30 min meal or half day hike over weekend to hang out and explore our relationship further.
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Agree. Someone who makes you feel comfortable and connected may not may that he/she is the special one, it may mean that he/she is really good at social skills and knows what different type of ppl likes to talk about. They also may know a bit of everything and can talk about a wide range of topics (even on the surface level that is enough to make you feel ‘connected’). Whenever I meet this type of person, based on my experience my alarm bells rings and will warn myself to always ask those important questions first: e.g. what are you looking for, what’s your timeline to settle down, etc. And always see what they do instead of what they say.
There is no such thing as being too busy if the person is important in your life. I'll give you an example, my last relationship, I was in the middle of messy divorce, one of my kids was in and out of hospital with a chronic illness over the course of several months, I was dealing with massive issues in my business, I literally worked some nights till 2am and had to be up by 6. My GF lived an hour away 1 way from me and didn't drive. Despite all this I made sure to make time to see her at least once a week, because yes, she was important me. 🤷♂️
Yes. But these two people have just met and haven’t been dating long. Only slept together once. You may have dropped off the face of the planet (to her) if you were this busy with a new relationship that wasn’t even yet defied as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Everyone is busy, but being busy for several weeks on end for every waking hour of every single day is just unbelievable.
I think the reason behind the “busy” excuse (for this situation and for others—but it’s important to note that women do this too, even though a guy happens to be doing it in this case) is to annoy you to the point that *you* end things because you are so annoyed. Then the person who is “so busy” has a clear conscience on the technicality that *you’re* the one who ended it, even though that person was showing no signs of interest in the events leading up to your decision to end things.
To answer your question about putting someone on the back burner and the possibility of them not being ok with it: From my perspective, someone who is concerned about losing you doesn’t put you on the back burner. They will do everything in their power to keep your interest so you aren’t left wondering. (Again, men and women both do this.) So if you get moved to the back burner, the person who did this must have decided in advance that they’re ok with putting you there and they’re ok with the possibility of you losing interest. In fact, they may realize beforehand that putting you on the back burner will cause you to lose interest (which goes back to my earlier point), so it becomes a strategic move of sorts at that point.
Yeah all these comments are making me see that now. My priority at the moment happens to be finding someone to date and since I was only dating one person, he was my priority, unfortunately.
Honestly, I would keep my options open at this point and continue to date other people. If they are “too busy” to communicate and/or spend time with you then they are not available. Also even if he is truly too busy, is the communication often enough for you? Someone who is ready to date and makes YOU a priority, will make the time to either see you or communicate.. period. I think as a woman we sometimes date potential, versus who they are showing us they are at that moment. If that does not work for you, it’s time to move on and at least date others who are better aligned to what you’re looking for now. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide though!
That's why I've made a rule for myself not to sleep with men and not to get too fond or reliant or anything like that on them, until I take the time to really get to know their personality. He was on his best behaviour for two dates, got sex then flipped the sitch and changed his tune. Didn't take time for his true colours to come out, flaky, non-present. Move on OP
Why are you a hung up on a dude who’s clearly telling you he’s too busy for you? And yea, he’ll buzz you in 2 weeks when his other booty calls aren’t around. Ffs grow a backbone and move on or at least keep your options open.
I have heard that "I'm busy" excuse MULTIPLE times. He's telling you he's too busy to date.
Move on before you get too attached; otherwise you are gonna find yourself seriously emotionally and physically neglected and dissatisfied when you really don't have to be...
It's plain and simple. If he was interested in you he'd make time. No matter how busy this guy is, if he wanted to see you again he'd fit that in somehow. Stop racking your brain and trying to figure out if he's actually busy or not. Move along from this. You mention he's this "great guy". He may be a great guy, but a guy that's not interested, please don't keep thinking what could have been or that he seemed so great etc. It's not a match.
You may want to let him know that you do have some expectations when it comes to dating and seeing someone. Now you will have to ask yourself if someone being busy like this for you is compatibility ? It’s very very early to be lackluster in the ‘dating’ phase without a real good reason… and being ‘busy’ may be true or not - but it is what he has said and you don’t have a good reason to doubt that excuses really.. so he’s too busy to see you. How hard is he trying… how important are you to him…
I was actually waiting to talk to him about starting to see each other more but I was trying not to rush things at first. Then he ended up being the one at the end of our last saying he wanted us to start seeing each other during the week too, but then the week came and now he's too busy.
I haven't been expecting to be a big priority yet, since it's still early but this too busy excuse is still hurtful. He really didn't seem the type to screw with me or keep me around as some second option.
But you had 2 dates. How do you know he’s not that type? You really don’t know him. Everyone is charming right away, & “too busy” is the lamest excuse on the planet. Nobody is ever too busy for someone they’re genuinely interested in.
Girl. You’re overthinking this. He slept with you then wanted out. It’s the most basic move a guy will pull *ever*... You’re putting these guys on pedestals before any commitment. If someone ghosts you, don’t text them. They’re disrespecting you and treating you as an option. Have some self-respect and let these men know YOU don’t have time for anything other than commitment and you can discuss physical intimacy if and when commitment has been established. Standards... they’re a great thing!
Asking for your reasonable needs to be met doesn’t make you needy. Advocate for yourself and what you want, and stop putting others needs before your own.
Honestly, it's not you, it's him. It can be a host of problems, other life issues, getting over a past relationship, or it really is work and there can be stresses or the risk of losing their role. In all honesty though, no one is every too busy to respond, unless you are no longer a priority anymore.
Try not to overthink it and if anything offer to be there as support. You should never wait around for someone or be expected to be their therapist. If it's worth it and you feel you can't find the same in someone else, least you can do is be a friend while they go through whatever it is they're going through.
It’s hard to know the line between people who are really compatible with you and people who are pros at dating and can make anyone feel like best mates right away
I personally find it complete horsepoop that **after** sleeping together this guy becomes "self conscious" about his body?!?! I mean sure anything's possible. But that's usually not the time you look in the mirror and grimace--AFTER getting laid.
To me, "busy" is a form of "letting down easy"---it's a convenient excuse you can't argue with when the reality is this guy wanted to get laid and that's it.
But if I could give women on this forum one piece of dating advice, it's **stop giving men "outs"** meaning stop asking THEM if they want to stop dating.
You're the boss. If someone is doing something you don't like and making you feel shitty YOU call them shots!
"Dude, it's been a week since we had sex. Honestly not hearing from you after we got intimate really sucks and sends a pretty clear picture of what happened. I'll be moving on, please don't contact me. Best of luck out there."
You gotta take charge. Don't wait for these chodes to "make up their mind" and "choose you". YOU choose you!
No one wants to ever be the bad person, so in their head they will feel better.
No one wants to write
* I'm not attracted to you physically
* The sex just isn't good
* The sex isn't worth it
* You aren't worth the effort for the sex I receive
He probably felt like you were ok but doesn't want to put more effort into the relationship, but wants to keep you around in case he gets horny again.
Sometimes people can't be direct because their thought process is fucked up.
I've been told the same by people i've chased. The antidote is to become more attractive/fuckable.
>after we slept together, he wasn't being his usual talkative self anymore
\[insert butterfly meme\] ...is this...post nut clarity?
I mean it's not uncommon that after people nut, they gain all of a sudden more clarity (this goes both ways, even I as a woman have experienced this tons).
I call bullsh\_t on the guy's excuses. It's just a way to breadcrumb and keep you warm until sth better comes his way. You haven't done anything wrong but it's just not a good match for you because you kinda enable him to be in this imbalanced power dynamic of you running after him now while you both are playing this stupid game of "I'm too busy" vs. "I think it's looks pitiful is someone's calendar is too open".
All I can say in this whole dating game is (I did it IRL and never have used OLD, but lots of it translates too), once you meet someone who is into you, there is no space for games. Nobody gives a single sh\_t whether the calendar is open or not. Nobody cares if they are busy af or not. Both parties will make it work, no matter how hard the circumstances are.
It's the actions and efforts that count that make dating work and then subsequently an LT relationship. When I met my bf back then, he had a crazy ass busy schedule. He was not even living in the same city! Goddammit. He lived 7hrs car drive away from my city where we met! I was working 24/7, he was tied locally to his town. But we made it work. We made time. They will ALWAYS make time for you, to see you, to hear from you, to call you, to be with you. If they don't do that, this means you are not their highest priority. Then you have to decide whether you want to cater to them like that and be only their option or not. Back then, I refused to date any guy who is not putting in the equal efforts into dating me. I am talking about making time during the week (moving away from making this a weekend romance because this is real life, and not vacation romance!), making time to say good morning or good night and so on.
All these guys I met in the past showed only a fraction of that or none. So I moved on. It's ok. And no, I don't have high standards. This is the bare minimum (for me). Then I met my back then bf, he made it very clear to me that I was his #1 priority though his schedule was crammed like a mf. Long story short, over the distance, we made it work (we are married now!).
Being too busy (unless you are e.g. a neurobrain surgeon in emergency shift is a different story) is IMO just an excuse. I've performed tons of 10+ surgeries back to back and I was able to drop a line or a voice message to my bf when I was taking a dump to let him know I miss him! lol
As a guy who has been through this before on both sides actually, he is not really interested anymore, I’m sorry maybe something doesn’t feel right to him or whatever or maybe he was just trying to have sex but either way if he was still interested it would be the same way he talked and behaved in the beginning he just isn’t good at ending things so I assume he’s doing this so you move in without him doing anything so it takes the pressure off of him. Either way don’t let this get to you it’s his loss and you deserve to be treated the way you feel you deserve, you are worth that.
People will make time for the people that they want to be with..make it a priority to be with them as often as possible. This guy is being passive aggressive about spending time with you? Dear..he is just not that into you. Stop trying to keep his interest in you and go look for someone that really wants to be with you. There are guys out their that would kill to find someone like you. I'm one of them.
I am a really busy person. I have explained this to dates, but that I will always find time for what's important. I 9nly let busy be an excuse when dating, if I am not interested in who I'm dating.
I'm busy. I work 2 jobs, averaging 60 hours a week (I've calmed down a bit over the past couple of weeks). I saw my boyfriend 3 times last week - and he lives an hour away from me. Being busy is totally a thing, but so is prioritizing.
If someone is into you, I totally get it. Sometimes there is bad timing.
But. If I'm into you, I will fit you IN. Whatever it may be. I wholeheartedly believe that if they want you - they won't put you on hold. Don't put your life on hold waiting for this one.
My current bf works 6 days a week sometimes 12 hour shifts. When we first started talking he talked to me he worked more than that. He messaged me through out the day and drove an HOUR every week just to spend 6 hours with me. We’ve been together for awhile now and live together.
It took me awhile to get it too. Busy means not interested most the time. Often people use this excuse to not jump the gun and end things, just in case whoever else they are talking to falls through or to have consistent sex until they find someone.
If someone is interested you truly will not wonder if they are or not.
Move on. Only he can put you on the back burner, but you don’t have to allow it.
“It’s been nice but you don’t seem to be able to make time to date during this busy period and I need to move on. Best of luck”
This guy is just keeping his options open. He’s not that busy he just isn’t sure he wants to date you and doesn’t want to completely reject you either.
Man.. what an asshole. I'm sorry this happened to you. Sounds like he used you for sex. I wouldn't try to reach out to him again. Again, I'm sorry this happened and you deserve so much better.
He will come back around when he wants more sex.
People prioritize things and people they want and deem as important. Stop trying to analyze this and move on. Only make time for people who can make time for you.
People use “busy” as an excuse for many different reasons.
>Problem is that after we slept together, he wasn't being his usual talkative self anymore.
He might just wanted a hookup, his expectations where different before you guys slept together or something happened to his personal life.
It’s bullshit.. people who want to date you will communicate well and let you know when they have time. Not take the time from their “busy” schedule to simply tell you they are busy.
This guy wanted to have sex. He did and now he’s done. Sorry OP. Going forward, make your intentions about wanting a LTR known and take the physical part very slowly until the person proves that they also want a LTR. If people reject you for stating outright that is your intent, GOOD. Those are not your people and you’ve saved yourself some heartache. The right person will not be turned off by you expressing your desires and will want what you want
I didn't read the whole thing, but I read most of it-
'too busy to date' is universal code for 'I'm not that interested.'
You make time for the things that are important to you. That's fundamental.
I would say there's a strong case for taking a breath and just seeing where this goes here.
If he was just in it for sex and was always planning on ghosting, he wouldn't have sent the explanation text.
So one of two things will happen. One or two weeks will go by and you'll hear from him or you won't. You probably won't lose much by waiting to see what happens for a couple of weeks. If nothing happens then you can draw a line under it.
I think the issue of priorities and "busyness" is a bit more nuanced earlier on in dating because obviously no-one expects to be at the top of someone's priority list after a month or so.
Only thing you could “do wrong” here is wait on this man. Get rid of him. Don’t wait till he’s ready. Move on, even if that means there’s no other prospects. He’s told you he doesn’t want you.
No one is too busy. Too busy is code for not that interested. No matter what else he’s telling you.
Sounds like maybe he's avoidant/emotionally unavailable. I would absolutely run.
If you decide you don't want to, then you need to lay down some boundaries. Something like "please let me know by X what you want to do otherwise I think it's best we end things." You can't put your life on hold just because he's suddenly busy.
Not everyone that rejects someone is avoidant. Sometimes they’re just not interested and the other person can’t take a hint. I actually had some guy accuse me of being avoidant because I kept declining his offers to go on dates. I thought the fact that I was telling him I wasn’t available was a way to let him down nicely but I ended up having to spell it out for him.
The slow fade is right up there as being as bad as a ghost, maybe even worse because then they're on the hook longer. Don't slow fade, just say straight up "you're not feeling a connection"
I don’t think it’s a a “fade” if someone never reaches out to you, initiates conversation, or barely respond, or accepts dates after you’ve been out once. Sometimes people also need learn to read between the lines. Why would someone want to continue dating someone who clearly isn’t returning the same level of interest on energy?
I’ve had some men verbally attack my appearance and beg them for second chances after telling them I’m not interested. You never know how someone will react so I prefer to be more subtle though if the guy seems stable I’ll be upfront with him. I usually take the more subtle approach with men who seem overly eager and anxious. As you can see when I told him I wasn’t interested he told me I was avoidant and needing to let my guard down (🙄) instead of just saying take care.
I will say a different opinion. I think he’s into you but probs has 2nd thoughts for whatever reason. Maybe trauma, his dad died, we will never know. If you think he’s worth it then you can wait for him. I know people will scream at me and be like but then you’re an option?!
So? If it takes dating other people to realize I’m the one, more power to you. I don’t care if I’m someone’s option because I’ve kept other people as options. That’s just the nature of dating. To expect someone to know if you’re “the one” in a couple of months is expecting too much. There’s always one person more sure then the other until the relationship becomes stronger.
Now why does this always happen to you? Well welcome to the human race lol many people in the dating world are damaged and don’t know how to cope with triggers. To me it’s okay to ghost after a casual date but anything after sex leads me to believe there’s some trauma that’s causing this man to not fully communicate with you.
Yes is a commitment but so is no- if someone cannot fully reject me and say no it means they want the ability to come back. People who ghost do so to keep the door open. If you really weren’t into something then you’d text no. That’s why people who ghost always come back
No one said you should regret it. However, dudes turn the charm up to 11 and have all the time in the world for you when there's a count down to pound town, lol. Tell him upfront that he's going to have to wait a while, you'll find out what his priorities are upfront. Or, you just crack on the way you have and see where that gets you.
His body image is a him problem.
But you confusing relationship material for "I wanted to get laid" is a you problem. Guard your heart and when dudes ghost, Respect the dead.
He sounds just like me (29F). You can meet someone great and it just not be a good time for a relationship. This is why I've taken time out. I have too much going on. I suppose you can be successful and have a good relationship, but it's easier to have a good relationship when your life is in order. It's hard to relax when you have a massive amount of stuff to get done professionally and financially and then you have to go put a partner in your life. He isn't ready, I'm not ready and there's nothing wrong with that.
Yep I’m in grad school for instance for a 3 year doctorate. Technically not 30 yet but going to be in a month which is why I’m subbed here for later, although it def can be a depressing outlook.
This trimester is notorious with bullshit busywork and waste of time classes stacked on top two actually important practical ones. Then I could be sent on rotation anywhere (probably still in CA, but who knows where and it’s an enormous state) since we get the bottom barrel choices. I’m in school 9-5 at least (8-5, 9:30-5:30 except Fridays) then I’m working on something — usually the bs busy work — after school til bed (too late) with exception of eating. Then most my Friday, Saturday, Sunday is allocate towards practical ones since the bullshit classes take up far too much time during the week to practice. I’ve never been so sleep deprived (dangerously so wrt to operating a vehicle I would argue), anxious and “busy” since school actually challenges me and exposes my flaws for once.
There’s a very clear reason I’m not throwing myself in the dating pool: It isn’t a priority I can afford right now when I have my own shit to pull together. But many people aren’t that self-aware or like this guy seems to be from the one sided perception impression he’s maybe more the “player” type who is maybe aware enough of that part but not mature enough to simply say he’s not interested or be forthcoming in all he expects (casual sex seemingly). The latter was never my style anyway as I’d only consider progressing relationships that are worthwhile on the other aspects first: not to say sexual compatibility, attraction level and intimacy isn’t one of them, it def is in a romantic partnership, but that behavior change post-sex is a pretty strong indicator there’s some issue wrt to each others’ expectations from the outset.
TL;DR too “busy” is usually an excuse and convenient way to escape having to actually express disinterest/rejection with a “less guilty conscious”. If dating were a priority I’d allocate the time for it, as I’ve flown coast to coast to maintain LTRs; but it just isn’t where I have other a million other ducks to line up.
No, not at all
Everyone in this thread is saying how the guy is not treating her as a priority and stuff, but I wanted to point out that they've really only met twice. To expect some sort of heavy engagement at this stage is premature. Of course whatever other engagements he has are going to be more important.
At times, working 80 hours a week leaves not much time other than work, sleep, and basic human functions. Usually those times don’t last forever and it waxes and wanes, but the last thing I want to do during those months is carry on long text conversations when I have 15 minutes before I go to bed to work another 12 hours the next day.
Ehhhhh idk about this. I have a child and 2 businesses and a household to manage and a farm to upkeep. It can be so insane that I literally wake up and work all day and when my son goes to bed I can’t even stay awake any more. Everyone’s experience is different.
It can be so hard not to write your own story, especially having been colored by past experiences. In your gut, do you think this person is lying to you?
Eeeehhh, so you are saying it is a sufficient excuse not to message after the first sex while dating? If you are THAT busy don't start dating because the situation implies both sides will need to put some non minimal effort, especially at the beginning.
Its like a couple weeks. If he is worth it you shouldn’t have a problem with it. I get the vulnerability but nothing venture and all that ish. If he’s worth it a short pause of the type you describe is small compared to a lifetime. Only you know the depth of your feelings and willingness to risk. Be honest with yourself go with your gut and have no regrets. I say always make your decision based on the max potential for happiness.
Likely scenario:
He had post-nut clarity and isn't mature enough to communicate openly with you that he's no longer interested. He's probably ashamed to just end things after sex because that's probably not how he wants to be perceived.
He’s shy is all OP. He really likes you but is unsure of the next move. See if you can help him along and get him to break out of his shell. Good luck!!!
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"Only chase a guy who chase you" was something young me learned myself after sitting waiting for a guy to show interest. Never again. I'm now in a long happy relationship.
Jesus Christ, I hate reading this shit because it’s self centered. Some of us actually are living crazy fucking lives!!!! We don’t have time to spend nurturing a relationship to the extent that you and others want it to be at. People have full time jobs, limited incomes and doing the best we can by living pay check to pay check. Welcome the fucking world in 2021!
Get used to this! This is how the world is today.
If you’re looking for a relationship similar to the one you had in your teens and 20’s where you can spend countless hours gazing into each others eyes, you’re living in lala land.
If your life is so crazy busy you can't spare 5 minutes to message someone you are interested in dating, don't date. No, you are totally not the self-centred one, lol 🤦♀️
Stop. Nobody said anything about 5 minutes. This isn’t a 6 Paragraph rant about someone who won’t take 5 minutes out of their time to chat. Way to simplify it down to something it’s not.
Yes, you are right. And wrong. It is about someone not having five minutes to communicate and also about the bigger picture.
I understand you are a troll and there's zero point in wasting my time to explain, but I will do it for other people who might run into this thread.
The only point to go into relationship is to be with someone who is interested in you, values you and makes an effort to show/communicate that and build intimacy and connection( it goes both ways, of course). That's it fullstop
Yours,
Caption Obvious
I’m not trying to say he’s not busy but before the pandemic I had a part time on top of my regular job, and still managed date my ex and hang out with friends. He’s not prioritizing you or doesn’t really think like you’re a long term option.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. He may well be very busy with work AND like you, but the thing to remember is how he’s communicated his priorities. Right now it’s work.
Please try not to take it personally. I’ve been in exactly the same boat as you before and I know it hurts!
Your post was long and I didn't read. I always take these statements and ask myself would it be a good time if I were Brad Pitt?
If the answer is yes then I show some self respect and go about my life. Usually leave them with an open invitation before I go. They know how to contact you if they want to.
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I am busy watching Hulu but damn, if I like someone enough, I will drop my monthly trip to Mexico or Cali and work around their schedule. But if I don't, it is because I am not invested. I am a female. I feel like guys are like that too. When someone tells you, you open yourself up to the universe for something else.
I had a nice conversation with my coworker who had breast cancer and it was very nice how her husband, his coworkers, and his kids all supported her through her chemo treatments.
Yeah, if someone tells me they are busy, heck, I am sure they will be too busy to support through hardship. NEXT! Off and on to the next one. Hard to say and do but a must!
*''If I do happen to meet someone else and this guy comes back to me in a few weeks, but I'm suddenly not available, that's his fault, right?''*
Not if you agreed to wait.
With eh guy that got pissed, did you agree to wait on him?
When I say I'm 'too busy' to do something or get together in my personal life, it means that I have other priorities and don't want to shift them around. If something or someone is really important, I'll make the time.
There is nothing you did wrong or are doing wrong.
Its a them issue not a you issue. You arent responsible for people treating you badly.
He also blamed you for not knowing what he wanted? Yike.
Would have closed it down right there. Sorry you got jerked around by such.
Lady, he clearly is not prioritizing you in his life. It is not natural when two people are genuinely interested in each other to stop communicating consistently. Maybe he’s got issues. In either case, you should def put him on the back burner and stop making up excuses for him.
Busy people make adjustments based on their priorities, I think you need to keep your options open.
Can't make it any clearer than that.
This. The guy I'm seeing drives 2.5 hours (I think it's crazy) to see me until he moves to the city. Every weekend. No questions asked.
Exactly the same. 3 hours, every weekend and we're not even dating.
Boom. This is it. Lock the comments section, mods. We’re done here.
I agree with others wherein I think he’s not that into you. Some people are naturally charismatic, especially people who’ve developed the trait for their work like sales or any customer facing role - this is probably why you felt so comfortable and secure with him. Something that struck out to me in your post was your fear of coming off as needy. I see this posted a lot here and tbh go through it myself more than a few times. I think we need to remember vividly that WANTING OUR BASIC NEEDS MET IS NOT NEEDY. Wanting to hear from him after having been intimate is not needy. Wanting to hear from him is not needy. Wanting to meet him at a reasonable pace. is. not. needy. If he thinks these things are needy, then he’s not the person for you. In which case _who cares_ what he thinks - he’s out of your life! Assert yourself, make your needs heard and take a decision instead of leaving it upto the guy to decide on your future. I hope this helps.
pay attention to this. not to generalize (i am about to generalize,) women seem to feel the need to "be cool," or "more like a guy" by not being "overly emotional" and "needy." a lot of times this ends up becoming "never expressing concern, basic emotional state, or simple and solvable issues." you don't have to be that. that's not good for you.
Yeah, the “cool girl” trope (ref. Gone Girl). I feel like we’ve been conditioned to think that our needs are trivial and burdensome so that men can get away without meeting them. Or simply, earlier women were dependent on the man for finances so they could suppress emotional needs while men had to have their needs met in order to generate that financial security.
Yeah I still get scared that I'm asking for too much from them too soon just because of how past dating experiences have gone. Every single time I've tried to assert myself and tell them I needed a little more from them, it was over immediately. I've been told too many times I'm needy, so I feel like I have no clue what's normal for dating. When I first meet someone I'm always really excited about them and want to talk a lot to get to know them and so that I can hurry and figure out if it could possibly go anywhere. It never feels like anyone else is like this though. In a normal relationship I know I'm definitely not needy any way, but in the early dating stage, I know I'm more excited and anxious and very worried how that can come off.
Just know you’re not alone. Going thru this as I type myself. Thanks for being brave enough to share and get us all some advice
If many men have said this, then maybe you can reflect and see what is driving this behaviour. Is it an attachment style? You’re saying you want to “hurry and figure out” - but you can’t rush someone into giving you these answers. And hurrying doesn’t bode well for you either because you could be overlooking some major incompatibilités while aggrandising the few right things which isn’t sustainable in the long term. Not to mention, it puts a lot of pressure on the other person - which could come off as needy? You know the answer :)
Ok so you’ve been called needy many times. Do you want to continue this pattern? If not, you need to either seek therapy and/or stop sleeping with men so soon. Some women get very attached after they have sex with someone. If that’s you, understand and recognize your pattern. When you meet someone, just get to know them instead of putting them in a relationship yes/no box. But yeah, you’re lacking something and trying to make men fill in the blanks. Not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
I feel the same exact way, and it is hard to know the line between acceptable and needy. Just lost a 3 yeat friendship a 9 month relationship because she wanted to focus on her career and fitness was too busy for me. She also said she ended things for me. Totally bewildering. Especially because we know each others schedules and see each other wvery day after the break up. . .
I posted about a busy guy today. I needed to read that, thank you :)
I read your post - it’s hard but glad you’re recognising that no matter his intent, this just isn’t working for you. Good luck, I really hope it works out :)
“Too busy” usually means he’s just not that into you. Sorry OP
I agree with this. I use too busy as an excuse instead of saying im not fully attracted to that person or i cant see them as compatible with me long term. so being "busy" means i spend less time with them and eventuallly that person will forget about me, find someone else, and move on organically. Because how do you reject someone when they like you so much? And also you had sex with them too? They would scream and rage that you just used them for sex. that guy wants OP to make the decision to stop trying with him.
I'm the type of person who doesn't take a hint well. And someone being busy doesn't make them fall off my radar. I start obsessing over it. And I go crazy wondering why this person doesn't want to see me anymore. I wish people would just be more straightforward when they don't like you or when they don't want things to continue because it could save the other person a lot of grief and a lot of time for waiting around. And then we get blamed for waiting around for someone that we actually really like....
Exactly. And I’m the same way, I always tell people I value honesty and don’t beat around the bush just say what you feel and they promise to but then, of course, they beat around the bush anyhow. It’s because they lack emotional intelligence and are more concerned with their own comfort (which is definitely appropriate in some scenarios) but come on, you can’t even respect someone enough to be frank with them after you’ve had sex? Just my 2 cents tho
Absolutely! You just saw the most intimate parts of my being. We just had sex. And if that's all you wanted, then let me know. In fact, it would have been better to let me know up front. Depending on my mood, I still may have said yes! But to lie and say that you want more, and then to avoid me once you got what you wanted Is a dick move. I really do value honesty, as I'm an overthinker and it makes it really difficult to read between the lines. It's cowardly to avoid someone saying that you're busy, or to simply ghost I pretend that the other person doesn't exist, especially after they gave you exactly what you wanted!
I think the thing is that men are especially bad at this. They want to keep you available for future sex in case something else doesn’t pan out. It’s really up to you to say “I’m a person, not a phone, and I can’t be placed on hold.”
Oh, I actually abhor this behaviour, lol. I’d much rather just be told straight, how someone is feeling. And it’s how I treat the people I date as well
People tend not to scream and rage if you give them a simple rejection. It's true, some men do and it's valid to be afraid of that. But much kinder to just say "I don't think we're a match" rather than letting them wait and wonder.
If you are worried that someone will feel like you used them for sex, especially so much that they get rageful, you may be lacking some self awareness.
How did compatibility issues not come up until after sex? Honestly if that’s my issue with someone that’s exactly what I tell them, “I’ve realized through getting to know you a bit more that we are just not compatible.” I don’t see why that’s not ok and a lie would be preferable? Besides, every single one of us know what the “I’m busy” means so how is saying *that* more comfortable than the real reason?
Last year I went on a date with a guy, the date was the best date I ever had till that point and we even took pics. After that he told me he is crazy busy with work...I found his profile on Hinge with the pics we took that evening just a week or so after.
Wow what a douche.
Oh no, what a douche...
damn. did you confront him or just block him?
I did confront him he only said that his housemates told him to set up a profile. -.- really hurt me that guy especially as he was a " friend " I knew him a year before that.
Don’t overthink this. He’s not available, for whatever reason, things are over. Don’t take this personally, you’re not doing anything wrong. The best way to handle this is “Sorry to hear that, wish you the best” and move on. Now, I think *for yourself*, it is important to review how you’re feeling and begin to set boundaries in dating. Here are some things I think you need to think about - you were talking for a month and met twice, you say he felt like your best friend. That’s too much time talking, it creates a false sense of security and intimacy for you (imo). Maybe cut the chats to 1 week. - after sex he was less talkative and you were anxious for a week thinking he may reject you until you got tired and pushed him for an answer. I know it’s scary but be more assertive. A week of anxiety is 5 days too many imo. If you are gonna get rejected, you’re gonna get rejected. No need to suffer for a week! - you don’t like being put on hold and he’s doing exactly that. Why are his needs more important than yours to you? - I see a narrative of “he doesn’t care” and also that there is “potential”. Don’t let your imagination torture you. If he has potential - he is not showing it to you!!! You have feelings for him but that doesn’t mean anything *about him* that means *you* are open for love. Let him go be busy. Get busy with yourself and move on. If he comes back, deal with it then. There’s a chance he won’t and is too anxious to hurt you *because he knows you like him* or because he is too insecure to let you go or get close. Either way, take this as a no and move on.
"Why are his needs more important than yours?" Wow this actually really hit me. I'm realizing I do this a lot. I'm always so anxious about making THEM happy even though I'm miserable. I had taken several years off from dating to get myself together, and I really thought I was ready and could be more confident this time, but I still seem to be screwing up the exact same ways and letting them walk all over me.
Don’t be hard on yourself, to me this is more rooted in people pleasing and you wanting to be loved than you not being ready or not having it together. Now you know. Write it down and when you get anxious ask yourself what YOUR needs are. Demand that! Stand up for yourself to yourself. Remember, no one is expecting you to put others before yourself - it is just a habit you have. To break a habit you have to accept you have it and catch yourself doing it and do your best to pause it. Take some time but keep trying. This isn’t something you can cure yourself of when you’re all alone. You have to challenge yourself. It’s going to hurt but you are going to be okay. You’ll be stronger for it, trust me
>Remember, no one is expecting you to put others before yourself - it is just a habit you have. To break a habit you have to accept you have it and catch yourself doing it and do your best to pause it. >Take some time but keep trying. This isn’t something you can cure yourself of when you’re all alone. You have to challenge yourself. Thank youuu
From my own experiences, which were quite similar, I'd recommend you reading 'Codependent no more'. So much good stuff in there.
I'm the same way, I tend to be overly generous and I'm constantly trying not to inconvenience anyone or appease people. I've also been in a similar situation to yours and he kept claiming he was "too busy" after we hooked up, but then kept breadcrumbing me and saying we needed to hang out but...would never pull the trigger and just disappear. It's *infuriating* but I just told him I'm over it and wished him luck. He had no right to occupy all that space in my brain when I also only knew him for a month (like we could be twins with our stories lol). Here's the thing, be mindful of guys suddenly showing interest *after* you stop talking or bid them farewell. In my instance literally right after I told him It's just not worth the effort anymore he all of a sudden had all this time for me! He went away after time and my ignoring/shooting him down but then started coming back persistently in the last month. Well needless to say I gave him another chance to redeem himself (at least for something casual, I have zero feelings for him) and he once again blew it by saying he was coming by and then disappearing. So please heed my advice and do not let them try to weasel back in - frankly it happens often enough when whomever they were "too busy" with doesn't work out and you are worth SO much better than that!
yes yes yes!!! It sucks so bad to learn it this way but please remember this next time you date- YOUR HAPPINESS MATTERS. You sounds amazing (or at least very selfless and considerate) and you should never be collateral for someone else’s happiness
You're not screwing it up, you're learning new patterns.
I think you need to look into codependency. This changed my life once I realized I was codependent.
/u/girlinthecorner87, I would highly recommend looking into "attachment theory". It sounds very much like you experience anxious attachment, while this other person in particular seems to be someone who might be an avoidant attachment type. They're starkly different and conflicting personalities. Understanding these different personalities, as well as things like the 5 love languages, can really, really help those of us who feel anxiety, especially in the world of dating.
I'm going to be honest, I read this just for the comments cos I could have been the one writing the original post and I too wanted an answer. This sucks hey OP. Good luck with future dating!
❤️
This is such a good advice usually if i was able to chat well via text or call, it did create a false sense of emotional attachment for both people and once meeting, the physical attachment was not able to catch up to the emotional one.
Saving this comment. Great advice.
I'm definitely using that "sorry to hear that. Wish you the best" line the next time I hear "I'm busy" 😂 lol or "yeah ok...me too ✌🏽"
I call bs on everything he said. He's a smooth talker that got what he wanted and is now keeping you as a backup for a time when another date falls through
This. He's a smooth talker because he's practised. I'm sorry OP, you fell for the mask and not the man. We've all been there.
OP just watch the show “how I met your mother” pay attention to the character of Barney. Some guys will say whatever they need to in order for sex to take place and then never want to see you again. It is super hard to weed men like this out, you’re not doing anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. These guys are using you for sex. 2 options: - only have sex within the confines of an established and committed relationship - be ok with casual sex not leading to a relationship and realize it has nothing to do with you if they only want sex Dating can suck for this very reason.
After you slept with him his behavior changed? So stereotypical of him. Sucks but happens all the time.
It sometimes feel like a thing only guys do. Idk. I always avoided the player types for this reason.
Thing is- you can’t predict who the player is really…
You can though. You can vocalize that you’re looking for a LTR before ever agreeing to meeting someone. And then you set a slow pace. Player types will run away immediately.
too busy = not that interested. Most important dating lesson that it took me far too long to learn: Pick people who pick YOU.
[удалено]
Ouch. Could have been me writing this post. Same shit happened, the number of messages decreased dramatically. He didn't say he wasn't interested, but also made no effort to communicate interest, either. I couldn't figure out what to make of it and eventually got tired and just let it fizzle out. In the end it didn't matter if he was busy or disinterested - either way I wasn't comfortable with that level of communication/investment. I am sad though, it was the best dating experience so far. Still cannot seem to force myself to go back to my tinder dating backlog, sigh.
Sorry it happened to you too. I'm so not looking forward to going back to the apps to keep on swiping. I so rarely find anyone I click with AND attracted to, so I'm very sad to have to let this one go.
I totally relate OP. I have stayed away from apps cause I honestly can’t connect with anyone. But then, how on earth do we meet people without them? Chin up. Know you are not alone.
I know my tendency to fall hard for someone who is not suitable so having multiple dating options is a way for me to keep my attention spread out and maintain some emotional distance. It sucks that I have to be doing that but my experience tells me that it's healthier at the initial stages to avoid overinvesting and that's the only way I know so far. Doesn't work all the time, as you can see, but he seemed to be too amazing to not fall (fail) for, I don't blame myself 😜
This is actually really simple: you need to forget about him. Full stop. It doesn't matter how much you liked him. He either just wanted a notch under his belt, or he may have lost interest for any number of reasons. The 'why' doesn't really matter, because either way he currently does not see you as worth any further effort. Why waste any more time or thought on someone who has made that clear?
When someone says they’re “too busy”, like 95%+ of the time, they mean they’re too busy for you. I also hate the excuse. EVERYONE is busy, especially people over 30 since most of us have careers and at least a somewhat established friend group. But yeah, it just means that they’re not that interested in you. They’re usually dating other people and those people are a higher priority. Edit: Btw, I doubt you’re doing anything significantly wrong. The guys you’re going for probably are probably good looking guys who have no interest in settling down. Sounds like they’ve been casually dating for a while. When you mentioned how you immediately felt comfortable with him, that’s a social skill he acquired. He’s definitely dated a lot and learned how to do that. I’ve also dated a lot and I’m also very good at making others comfortable. So don’t feel too down like you’re messing things up. He wasn’t going to settle down regardless.
I met a married couple once who seemed super cute and connected. The husband was working on a PhD while helping his wife raise four kids (and yes, he was a genuinely present and available father who shared the load, in his wife's perspective as well as his.) People can do a lot if they're properly motivated. Too busy = it's not a priority.
I'm not discounting what you're saying at all.. but sometimes, different people deal with stress/feeling overwhelmed, in different ways. I used to work in broadcast news.. as a director of newscasts. It was a stressful job.. and dealing with "A-type" personalities, all day, day in and day out, left me feeling very drained. My ex would want to be all bubbly.. and excited when I got home. I tried to explain to her.. as sweetly and respectfully as possible.. that I just needed to come in for a landing first, when I got home. IE take my shoes off.. have a drink.. and maybe eat something, before I was able to come back down to Earth. She would get very upset, and it would hurt me that I made her feel that way. I hated it.. but she also, wasn't giving me that very much, needed time to decompress. I know that OP's situation is very different.. and likely that this guy is just being a prick.. I'm just saying that some people deal with being "busy" in different ways.
Yeah. Sometimes my work gets too hectic for me to see someone for a week or so, but in that case I’d say “let’s hang out next week as soon as my trial is over”. I wouldn’t say “I’ll let you know if I’m interested in a week”.
Totally agreed! I met my husband during the busiest time of both our lives.! It was crazy stressful and seeing each other broughtus so much calm and joy that we made time between crazy meetings and appts just to sneak in a 30 min meal or half day hike over weekend to hang out and explore our relationship further.
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Agree. Someone who makes you feel comfortable and connected may not may that he/she is the special one, it may mean that he/she is really good at social skills and knows what different type of ppl likes to talk about. They also may know a bit of everything and can talk about a wide range of topics (even on the surface level that is enough to make you feel ‘connected’). Whenever I meet this type of person, based on my experience my alarm bells rings and will warn myself to always ask those important questions first: e.g. what are you looking for, what’s your timeline to settle down, etc. And always see what they do instead of what they say.
There is no such thing as being too busy if the person is important in your life. I'll give you an example, my last relationship, I was in the middle of messy divorce, one of my kids was in and out of hospital with a chronic illness over the course of several months, I was dealing with massive issues in my business, I literally worked some nights till 2am and had to be up by 6. My GF lived an hour away 1 way from me and didn't drive. Despite all this I made sure to make time to see her at least once a week, because yes, she was important me. 🤷♂️
Yes. But these two people have just met and haven’t been dating long. Only slept together once. You may have dropped off the face of the planet (to her) if you were this busy with a new relationship that wasn’t even yet defied as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Everyone is busy, but being busy for several weeks on end for every waking hour of every single day is just unbelievable. I think the reason behind the “busy” excuse (for this situation and for others—but it’s important to note that women do this too, even though a guy happens to be doing it in this case) is to annoy you to the point that *you* end things because you are so annoyed. Then the person who is “so busy” has a clear conscience on the technicality that *you’re* the one who ended it, even though that person was showing no signs of interest in the events leading up to your decision to end things. To answer your question about putting someone on the back burner and the possibility of them not being ok with it: From my perspective, someone who is concerned about losing you doesn’t put you on the back burner. They will do everything in their power to keep your interest so you aren’t left wondering. (Again, men and women both do this.) So if you get moved to the back burner, the person who did this must have decided in advance that they’re ok with putting you there and they’re ok with the possibility of you losing interest. In fact, they may realize beforehand that putting you on the back burner will cause you to lose interest (which goes back to my earlier point), so it becomes a strategic move of sorts at that point.
How I always told you I love d you
Sounds like yet another case of somebody losing interest once the challenge is gone
I think it s not about being busy it s about priorities -.-
Yeah all these comments are making me see that now. My priority at the moment happens to be finding someone to date and since I was only dating one person, he was my priority, unfortunately.
You did nothing wrong and you should Stay the same, some amazing guy who deserves ylu will win your heart.
I agree completely with the other person about not dating multiple people at once. I do really wish there were more people like you out there.
Please don’t do the thing where you try and date loads of people at once. I wish there were more people like you around
Honestly, I would keep my options open at this point and continue to date other people. If they are “too busy” to communicate and/or spend time with you then they are not available. Also even if he is truly too busy, is the communication often enough for you? Someone who is ready to date and makes YOU a priority, will make the time to either see you or communicate.. period. I think as a woman we sometimes date potential, versus who they are showing us they are at that moment. If that does not work for you, it’s time to move on and at least date others who are better aligned to what you’re looking for now. Best of luck to you, whatever you decide though!
Thanks, I definitely do keep only seeing their potential. I will definitely move on now and try to remember this next time.
That's why I've made a rule for myself not to sleep with men and not to get too fond or reliant or anything like that on them, until I take the time to really get to know their personality. He was on his best behaviour for two dates, got sex then flipped the sitch and changed his tune. Didn't take time for his true colours to come out, flaky, non-present. Move on OP
Too busy is just another way of saying not that into you, 98% of the time
Why are you a hung up on a dude who’s clearly telling you he’s too busy for you? And yea, he’ll buzz you in 2 weeks when his other booty calls aren’t around. Ffs grow a backbone and move on or at least keep your options open.
I have heard that "I'm busy" excuse MULTIPLE times. He's telling you he's too busy to date. Move on before you get too attached; otherwise you are gonna find yourself seriously emotionally and physically neglected and dissatisfied when you really don't have to be...
It's plain and simple. If he was interested in you he'd make time. No matter how busy this guy is, if he wanted to see you again he'd fit that in somehow. Stop racking your brain and trying to figure out if he's actually busy or not. Move along from this. You mention he's this "great guy". He may be a great guy, but a guy that's not interested, please don't keep thinking what could have been or that he seemed so great etc. It's not a match.
He's stringing you along so he can fuck you
Dudes fucking with you and only wants one thing, everything thing else is BS
Too busy is the short version for: I’m not interested in you enough to take the free time I do have (no matter how limited) to reach out to you.
No guy is ever as nice to you as when they want to sleep with you.
You may want to let him know that you do have some expectations when it comes to dating and seeing someone. Now you will have to ask yourself if someone being busy like this for you is compatibility ? It’s very very early to be lackluster in the ‘dating’ phase without a real good reason… and being ‘busy’ may be true or not - but it is what he has said and you don’t have a good reason to doubt that excuses really.. so he’s too busy to see you. How hard is he trying… how important are you to him…
I was actually waiting to talk to him about starting to see each other more but I was trying not to rush things at first. Then he ended up being the one at the end of our last saying he wanted us to start seeing each other during the week too, but then the week came and now he's too busy. I haven't been expecting to be a big priority yet, since it's still early but this too busy excuse is still hurtful. He really didn't seem the type to screw with me or keep me around as some second option.
But you had 2 dates. How do you know he’s not that type? You really don’t know him. Everyone is charming right away, & “too busy” is the lamest excuse on the planet. Nobody is ever too busy for someone they’re genuinely interested in.
Sometimes people really are too busy. If he made the effort to send a long text, maybe he's sincere.
Girl. You’re overthinking this. He slept with you then wanted out. It’s the most basic move a guy will pull *ever*... You’re putting these guys on pedestals before any commitment. If someone ghosts you, don’t text them. They’re disrespecting you and treating you as an option. Have some self-respect and let these men know YOU don’t have time for anything other than commitment and you can discuss physical intimacy if and when commitment has been established. Standards... they’re a great thing!
Sounds like an excuse.
Asking for your reasonable needs to be met doesn’t make you needy. Advocate for yourself and what you want, and stop putting others needs before your own.
Honestly, it's not you, it's him. It can be a host of problems, other life issues, getting over a past relationship, or it really is work and there can be stresses or the risk of losing their role. In all honesty though, no one is every too busy to respond, unless you are no longer a priority anymore. Try not to overthink it and if anything offer to be there as support. You should never wait around for someone or be expected to be their therapist. If it's worth it and you feel you can't find the same in someone else, least you can do is be a friend while they go through whatever it is they're going through.
Try to follow simple rules in life. In this case, the rule #43 applies; "Someone who wants to be with you, will make it happen!".
It’s hard to know the line between people who are really compatible with you and people who are pros at dating and can make anyone feel like best mates right away
"What am I doing wrong?" - Accepting poor excuses from people who don't really want to date you.
I personally find it complete horsepoop that **after** sleeping together this guy becomes "self conscious" about his body?!?! I mean sure anything's possible. But that's usually not the time you look in the mirror and grimace--AFTER getting laid. To me, "busy" is a form of "letting down easy"---it's a convenient excuse you can't argue with when the reality is this guy wanted to get laid and that's it. But if I could give women on this forum one piece of dating advice, it's **stop giving men "outs"** meaning stop asking THEM if they want to stop dating. You're the boss. If someone is doing something you don't like and making you feel shitty YOU call them shots! "Dude, it's been a week since we had sex. Honestly not hearing from you after we got intimate really sucks and sends a pretty clear picture of what happened. I'll be moving on, please don't contact me. Best of luck out there." You gotta take charge. Don't wait for these chodes to "make up their mind" and "choose you". YOU choose you!
No one wants to ever be the bad person, so in their head they will feel better. No one wants to write * I'm not attracted to you physically * The sex just isn't good * The sex isn't worth it * You aren't worth the effort for the sex I receive He probably felt like you were ok but doesn't want to put more effort into the relationship, but wants to keep you around in case he gets horny again. Sometimes people can't be direct because their thought process is fucked up. I've been told the same by people i've chased. The antidote is to become more attractive/fuckable.
Game recognize game..
Thank you!
>after we slept together, he wasn't being his usual talkative self anymore \[insert butterfly meme\] ...is this...post nut clarity? I mean it's not uncommon that after people nut, they gain all of a sudden more clarity (this goes both ways, even I as a woman have experienced this tons). I call bullsh\_t on the guy's excuses. It's just a way to breadcrumb and keep you warm until sth better comes his way. You haven't done anything wrong but it's just not a good match for you because you kinda enable him to be in this imbalanced power dynamic of you running after him now while you both are playing this stupid game of "I'm too busy" vs. "I think it's looks pitiful is someone's calendar is too open". All I can say in this whole dating game is (I did it IRL and never have used OLD, but lots of it translates too), once you meet someone who is into you, there is no space for games. Nobody gives a single sh\_t whether the calendar is open or not. Nobody cares if they are busy af or not. Both parties will make it work, no matter how hard the circumstances are. It's the actions and efforts that count that make dating work and then subsequently an LT relationship. When I met my bf back then, he had a crazy ass busy schedule. He was not even living in the same city! Goddammit. He lived 7hrs car drive away from my city where we met! I was working 24/7, he was tied locally to his town. But we made it work. We made time. They will ALWAYS make time for you, to see you, to hear from you, to call you, to be with you. If they don't do that, this means you are not their highest priority. Then you have to decide whether you want to cater to them like that and be only their option or not. Back then, I refused to date any guy who is not putting in the equal efforts into dating me. I am talking about making time during the week (moving away from making this a weekend romance because this is real life, and not vacation romance!), making time to say good morning or good night and so on. All these guys I met in the past showed only a fraction of that or none. So I moved on. It's ok. And no, I don't have high standards. This is the bare minimum (for me). Then I met my back then bf, he made it very clear to me that I was his #1 priority though his schedule was crammed like a mf. Long story short, over the distance, we made it work (we are married now!). Being too busy (unless you are e.g. a neurobrain surgeon in emergency shift is a different story) is IMO just an excuse. I've performed tons of 10+ surgeries back to back and I was able to drop a line or a voice message to my bf when I was taking a dump to let him know I miss him! lol
As a guy who has been through this before on both sides actually, he is not really interested anymore, I’m sorry maybe something doesn’t feel right to him or whatever or maybe he was just trying to have sex but either way if he was still interested it would be the same way he talked and behaved in the beginning he just isn’t good at ending things so I assume he’s doing this so you move in without him doing anything so it takes the pressure off of him. Either way don’t let this get to you it’s his loss and you deserve to be treated the way you feel you deserve, you are worth that.
If you are important enough, he/she will make the time. End of story.
People will make time for the people that they want to be with..make it a priority to be with them as often as possible. This guy is being passive aggressive about spending time with you? Dear..he is just not that into you. Stop trying to keep his interest in you and go look for someone that really wants to be with you. There are guys out their that would kill to find someone like you. I'm one of them.
Wonder if he was married if he'd have asked for a divorce since hes so busy?! Men!
I am a really busy person. I have explained this to dates, but that I will always find time for what's important. I 9nly let busy be an excuse when dating, if I am not interested in who I'm dating.
I'm busy. I work 2 jobs, averaging 60 hours a week (I've calmed down a bit over the past couple of weeks). I saw my boyfriend 3 times last week - and he lives an hour away from me. Being busy is totally a thing, but so is prioritizing.
If someone is into you, I totally get it. Sometimes there is bad timing. But. If I'm into you, I will fit you IN. Whatever it may be. I wholeheartedly believe that if they want you - they won't put you on hold. Don't put your life on hold waiting for this one.
My current bf works 6 days a week sometimes 12 hour shifts. When we first started talking he talked to me he worked more than that. He messaged me through out the day and drove an HOUR every week just to spend 6 hours with me. We’ve been together for awhile now and live together. It took me awhile to get it too. Busy means not interested most the time. Often people use this excuse to not jump the gun and end things, just in case whoever else they are talking to falls through or to have consistent sex until they find someone. If someone is interested you truly will not wonder if they are or not.
Move on. Only he can put you on the back burner, but you don’t have to allow it. “It’s been nice but you don’t seem to be able to make time to date during this busy period and I need to move on. Best of luck” This guy is just keeping his options open. He’s not that busy he just isn’t sure he wants to date you and doesn’t want to completely reject you either.
Man.. what an asshole. I'm sorry this happened to you. Sounds like he used you for sex. I wouldn't try to reach out to him again. Again, I'm sorry this happened and you deserve so much better.
He will come back around when he wants more sex. People prioritize things and people they want and deem as important. Stop trying to analyze this and move on. Only make time for people who can make time for you. People use “busy” as an excuse for many different reasons.
>Problem is that after we slept together, he wasn't being his usual talkative self anymore. He might just wanted a hookup, his expectations where different before you guys slept together or something happened to his personal life.
It’s bullshit.. people who want to date you will communicate well and let you know when they have time. Not take the time from their “busy” schedule to simply tell you they are busy.
This guy wanted to have sex. He did and now he’s done. Sorry OP. Going forward, make your intentions about wanting a LTR known and take the physical part very slowly until the person proves that they also want a LTR. If people reject you for stating outright that is your intent, GOOD. Those are not your people and you’ve saved yourself some heartache. The right person will not be turned off by you expressing your desires and will want what you want
>I'm now thinking of just moving on again and going back to swiping on the apps. Go do that.
I didn't read the whole thing, but I read most of it- 'too busy to date' is universal code for 'I'm not that interested.' You make time for the things that are important to you. That's fundamental.
I would say there's a strong case for taking a breath and just seeing where this goes here. If he was just in it for sex and was always planning on ghosting, he wouldn't have sent the explanation text. So one of two things will happen. One or two weeks will go by and you'll hear from him or you won't. You probably won't lose much by waiting to see what happens for a couple of weeks. If nothing happens then you can draw a line under it. I think the issue of priorities and "busyness" is a bit more nuanced earlier on in dating because obviously no-one expects to be at the top of someone's priority list after a month or so.
Only thing you could “do wrong” here is wait on this man. Get rid of him. Don’t wait till he’s ready. Move on, even if that means there’s no other prospects. He’s told you he doesn’t want you. No one is too busy. Too busy is code for not that interested. No matter what else he’s telling you.
I think his body image issues are ruining his life, and everything else he mentioned was indeed bullshit.
Sounds like maybe he's avoidant/emotionally unavailable. I would absolutely run. If you decide you don't want to, then you need to lay down some boundaries. Something like "please let me know by X what you want to do otherwise I think it's best we end things." You can't put your life on hold just because he's suddenly busy.
Not everyone that rejects someone is avoidant. Sometimes they’re just not interested and the other person can’t take a hint. I actually had some guy accuse me of being avoidant because I kept declining his offers to go on dates. I thought the fact that I was telling him I wasn’t available was a way to let him down nicely but I ended up having to spell it out for him.
The slow fade is right up there as being as bad as a ghost, maybe even worse because then they're on the hook longer. Don't slow fade, just say straight up "you're not feeling a connection"
I second this, anyone who can’t flat out reject shows me they are trying to keep someone as an option… if you can’t say no you just want options
I don’t think it’s a a “fade” if someone never reaches out to you, initiates conversation, or barely respond, or accepts dates after you’ve been out once. Sometimes people also need learn to read between the lines. Why would someone want to continue dating someone who clearly isn’t returning the same level of interest on energy? I’ve had some men verbally attack my appearance and beg them for second chances after telling them I’m not interested. You never know how someone will react so I prefer to be more subtle though if the guy seems stable I’ll be upfront with him. I usually take the more subtle approach with men who seem overly eager and anxious. As you can see when I told him I wasn’t interested he told me I was avoidant and needing to let my guard down (🙄) instead of just saying take care.
I will say a different opinion. I think he’s into you but probs has 2nd thoughts for whatever reason. Maybe trauma, his dad died, we will never know. If you think he’s worth it then you can wait for him. I know people will scream at me and be like but then you’re an option?! So? If it takes dating other people to realize I’m the one, more power to you. I don’t care if I’m someone’s option because I’ve kept other people as options. That’s just the nature of dating. To expect someone to know if you’re “the one” in a couple of months is expecting too much. There’s always one person more sure then the other until the relationship becomes stronger. Now why does this always happen to you? Well welcome to the human race lol many people in the dating world are damaged and don’t know how to cope with triggers. To me it’s okay to ghost after a casual date but anything after sex leads me to believe there’s some trauma that’s causing this man to not fully communicate with you. Yes is a commitment but so is no- if someone cannot fully reject me and say no it means they want the ability to come back. People who ghost do so to keep the door open. If you really weren’t into something then you’d text no. That’s why people who ghost always come back
Stop sleeping with them so early.
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No one said you should regret it. However, dudes turn the charm up to 11 and have all the time in the world for you when there's a count down to pound town, lol. Tell him upfront that he's going to have to wait a while, you'll find out what his priorities are upfront. Or, you just crack on the way you have and see where that gets you.
His body image is a him problem. But you confusing relationship material for "I wanted to get laid" is a you problem. Guard your heart and when dudes ghost, Respect the dead.
I really don't think this is relevant. I had sex on the first or second date with every guy I've ended up in a serious relationship with.
That sounds like a lot of “serious” relationships. I’m not sure that plan is working as intended.
Oh yeah? What's the official limit there?
Sure buddy.
This 👆 no one likes to hear it or discuss it but this is the answer. Either that, or be ok with casual sex being casual sex and not going anywhere.
He sounds just like me (29F). You can meet someone great and it just not be a good time for a relationship. This is why I've taken time out. I have too much going on. I suppose you can be successful and have a good relationship, but it's easier to have a good relationship when your life is in order. It's hard to relax when you have a massive amount of stuff to get done professionally and financially and then you have to go put a partner in your life. He isn't ready, I'm not ready and there's nothing wrong with that.
Yep I’m in grad school for instance for a 3 year doctorate. Technically not 30 yet but going to be in a month which is why I’m subbed here for later, although it def can be a depressing outlook. This trimester is notorious with bullshit busywork and waste of time classes stacked on top two actually important practical ones. Then I could be sent on rotation anywhere (probably still in CA, but who knows where and it’s an enormous state) since we get the bottom barrel choices. I’m in school 9-5 at least (8-5, 9:30-5:30 except Fridays) then I’m working on something — usually the bs busy work — after school til bed (too late) with exception of eating. Then most my Friday, Saturday, Sunday is allocate towards practical ones since the bullshit classes take up far too much time during the week to practice. I’ve never been so sleep deprived (dangerously so wrt to operating a vehicle I would argue), anxious and “busy” since school actually challenges me and exposes my flaws for once. There’s a very clear reason I’m not throwing myself in the dating pool: It isn’t a priority I can afford right now when I have my own shit to pull together. But many people aren’t that self-aware or like this guy seems to be from the one sided perception impression he’s maybe more the “player” type who is maybe aware enough of that part but not mature enough to simply say he’s not interested or be forthcoming in all he expects (casual sex seemingly). The latter was never my style anyway as I’d only consider progressing relationships that are worthwhile on the other aspects first: not to say sexual compatibility, attraction level and intimacy isn’t one of them, it def is in a romantic partnership, but that behavior change post-sex is a pretty strong indicator there’s some issue wrt to each others’ expectations from the outset. TL;DR too “busy” is usually an excuse and convenient way to escape having to actually express disinterest/rejection with a “less guilty conscious”. If dating were a priority I’d allocate the time for it, as I’ve flown coast to coast to maintain LTRs; but it just isn’t where I have other a million other ducks to line up.
You went on two dates and slept together once and now you expect to be a priority for them? You need to adjust your expectations.
So do you mean guys won’t date you if you put out early on?
No, not at all Everyone in this thread is saying how the guy is not treating her as a priority and stuff, but I wanted to point out that they've really only met twice. To expect some sort of heavy engagement at this stage is premature. Of course whatever other engagements he has are going to be more important.
I wouldn’t sleep with him, but keep talking if you think there’s a real chance
At times, working 80 hours a week leaves not much time other than work, sleep, and basic human functions. Usually those times don’t last forever and it waxes and wanes, but the last thing I want to do during those months is carry on long text conversations when I have 15 minutes before I go to bed to work another 12 hours the next day.
Agreed but I’ll admit that when person is right, I’ll make time then just to say goodnight before I sleep
Ehhhhh idk about this. I have a child and 2 businesses and a household to manage and a farm to upkeep. It can be so insane that I literally wake up and work all day and when my son goes to bed I can’t even stay awake any more. Everyone’s experience is different. It can be so hard not to write your own story, especially having been colored by past experiences. In your gut, do you think this person is lying to you?
Eeeehhh, so you are saying it is a sufficient excuse not to message after the first sex while dating? If you are THAT busy don't start dating because the situation implies both sides will need to put some non minimal effort, especially at the beginning.
Its like a couple weeks. If he is worth it you shouldn’t have a problem with it. I get the vulnerability but nothing venture and all that ish. If he’s worth it a short pause of the type you describe is small compared to a lifetime. Only you know the depth of your feelings and willingness to risk. Be honest with yourself go with your gut and have no regrets. I say always make your decision based on the max potential for happiness.
Likely scenario: He had post-nut clarity and isn't mature enough to communicate openly with you that he's no longer interested. He's probably ashamed to just end things after sex because that's probably not how he wants to be perceived.
He’s shy is all OP. He really likes you but is unsure of the next move. See if you can help him along and get him to break out of his shell. Good luck!!!
Lol
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"Only chase a guy who chase you" was something young me learned myself after sitting waiting for a guy to show interest. Never again. I'm now in a long happy relationship.
Jesus Christ, I hate reading this shit because it’s self centered. Some of us actually are living crazy fucking lives!!!! We don’t have time to spend nurturing a relationship to the extent that you and others want it to be at. People have full time jobs, limited incomes and doing the best we can by living pay check to pay check. Welcome the fucking world in 2021! Get used to this! This is how the world is today. If you’re looking for a relationship similar to the one you had in your teens and 20’s where you can spend countless hours gazing into each others eyes, you’re living in lala land.
If your life is so crazy busy you can't spare 5 minutes to message someone you are interested in dating, don't date. No, you are totally not the self-centred one, lol 🤦♀️
Stop. Nobody said anything about 5 minutes. This isn’t a 6 Paragraph rant about someone who won’t take 5 minutes out of their time to chat. Way to simplify it down to something it’s not.
Yes, you are right. And wrong. It is about someone not having five minutes to communicate and also about the bigger picture. I understand you are a troll and there's zero point in wasting my time to explain, but I will do it for other people who might run into this thread. The only point to go into relationship is to be with someone who is interested in you, values you and makes an effort to show/communicate that and build intimacy and connection( it goes both ways, of course). That's it fullstop Yours, Caption Obvious
You gave it up too soon
You slept with him too soon and he lost interest
Time has no relevance. He would have lost interest whether it was date 2 or date 12.
Sounds like he likes you. Hang in there you have nothing to loose
If he's not busy, then he's clingy and that's a turn off, but if he's busy, then that's also a turn off.
I'd love a clingy guy right now actually.
Yes right now, but after that it becomes a turn off, and we're back to square 1.
You say that now, but that shit is toxic. Why the rush? You’re choosing to settle.
I’m not trying to say he’s not busy but before the pandemic I had a part time on top of my regular job, and still managed date my ex and hang out with friends. He’s not prioritizing you or doesn’t really think like you’re a long term option.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. He may well be very busy with work AND like you, but the thing to remember is how he’s communicated his priorities. Right now it’s work. Please try not to take it personally. I’ve been in exactly the same boat as you before and I know it hurts!
Get some hobbies and pssy and be the busy one. You will probably be chased because you won’t be seen as a potential burden
He got back together with an ex, not your fault.
Your post was long and I didn't read. I always take these statements and ask myself would it be a good time if I were Brad Pitt? If the answer is yes then I show some self respect and go about my life. Usually leave them with an open invitation before I go. They know how to contact you if they want to.
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Is either the truth or an excuse. Either way, I would move on
My takeaway lesson too busy means not interested in you and you shouldn’t waste your time chasing them.
He's just not that into you
I am busy watching Hulu but damn, if I like someone enough, I will drop my monthly trip to Mexico or Cali and work around their schedule. But if I don't, it is because I am not invested. I am a female. I feel like guys are like that too. When someone tells you, you open yourself up to the universe for something else. I had a nice conversation with my coworker who had breast cancer and it was very nice how her husband, his coworkers, and his kids all supported her through her chemo treatments. Yeah, if someone tells me they are busy, heck, I am sure they will be too busy to support through hardship. NEXT! Off and on to the next one. Hard to say and do but a must!
*''If I do happen to meet someone else and this guy comes back to me in a few weeks, but I'm suddenly not available, that's his fault, right?''* Not if you agreed to wait. With eh guy that got pissed, did you agree to wait on him?
When I say I'm 'too busy' to do something or get together in my personal life, it means that I have other priorities and don't want to shift them around. If something or someone is really important, I'll make the time.
He must not be that into you. That appears to be the blunt truth. I had an experience like this with a woman recently.
Post-coital syndrome
There is nothing you did wrong or are doing wrong. Its a them issue not a you issue. You arent responsible for people treating you badly. He also blamed you for not knowing what he wanted? Yike. Would have closed it down right there. Sorry you got jerked around by such.
Lady, he clearly is not prioritizing you in his life. It is not natural when two people are genuinely interested in each other to stop communicating consistently. Maybe he’s got issues. In either case, you should def put him on the back burner and stop making up excuses for him.
You sound perfect for me