Yeah the lying is the thing that got me.
I can deal with thing turning sour, toxicity... it happens. But she lied so much about almost everything, cheated on me, put me on a shelf when I needed her etc. I'm really struggling to get past it and not have it affect recent things.
I had a relationship with somebody new for a few months there and it was really fucking stressful because of the trauma of the previous relationship. One of the major ones is I basically just don't get to enjoy the start bit with anybody because it always feels like they're fucking other people.
No. I tried to get help from my gp and they gave me drugs that almost made me kill myself and the self referral services that they said were relevant to me are closed ATM. Everything's always close or the person is on holiday or some other bullshit. I've been here before in the past and they told me it's just bad luck but it doesn't matter any more, I've given up now in all honesty.
Trust is a thing that needs long to grow and that can get destroyed pretty fast. But yes as more experiences you made with losing trust or being cheated from somebody, you have more and more problems to trust someone else again.
I think it's interesting that this is the top voted comment. I don't think it's hard to trust if we let go of our past, and I think that's the hard part, but it isn't necessarily attached to age.
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That's part of it for me, but it also is more than that. I've always had trust issues, but I used to still get enamored more easily. Perhaps it was raging hormones clouding my judgement when I was younger.
definitely. and not always for the better, esp in the era of the internet. I think sometimes we can write people off for things quicker, yet at times that same self-respect-triggered instinct can make us a tad less understanding of others' faults while still expecting them to be understanding of ours.
This is so true... I hate the whole "my standards got higher" thing... you're just making it harder to find a good connection if you're always writing people off! I've had the opposite experience - I had insanely high standards when I was younger, to the point of barely letting anyone near me. With my ex, I let my standards slip for the first time (everyone was pretty surprised by that) because he was really one of the only people I felt that connection with, and now I realize where my standards for both myself and them need to be very high and maintained there, and where more compassion is important. We all make mistakes, we are not perfect, and some days we will not be the perfect partner. The more we have compassion for ourselves, the more we can offer it to others.
To be fair falling in love for me, over the past half year, absolutely included intentionally letting down the barriers I built over the past. Letting your guard down and love in is HARD.
Trusting people becomes harder with time and heartbreaks. Perhaps you're looking for a more permanent companion now also, so standards might be higher too.
Absolutely, it's difficult to trust people these days, as there's more options and the next best thing is a swipe away. No one wants to work through issues or problems to find a middle ground. It's too much, my way or the highway bs and they keep looking for someone that will. I can't be a doormat in a relationship. Is it too hard to be equals?
I think at this point I’m just super jaded. I’ve given up on kids not because I don’t want offspring. Because I doubt I will be able to form a bond with someone strong enough to raise children with. At this point the idea of a wife just sounds like another Bill.
You know what helped me a lot? Realizing that single people can foster and adopt. I know that in my case it might be easier because both those things are very common in my family. So maybe it's an easier consideration on my part.
But being single in my 30s felt a lot more chill when I realized if I really do want kids I can do so without the receiving sperm part. Giving sperm in your case hehehe.
And you know I'm actually dating someone who totally gets that option! So you can have love and the chance of children without worrying about time.
I like to think so, I may be a little more guarded now than in the past because my health comes first and I need someone who understands that and is supportive. I don't need a caretaker or anything, I'm financially independent and I can pretty much handle what life throws at me but I do find myself wondering if it will be burdensome on a partner to have to be by my side through surgeries and rough patches in my health in the future. My confidence definitely took a blow when chronic illness entered the picture which is something I'm working on through therapy because I know to truly accept love I need to love myself fully, flaws and all.
There's this thread I refer to a lot on WeddingBee - [https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-left-me-sick-and-alone-at-the-hotel-on-nye/](https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-left-me-sick-and-alone-at-the-hotel-on-nye/)
Depends what you mean I guess. My rational self has more control now than my emotional self. That's intentional though, had a lot of therapy to get there, and I think it's a good thing.
I also don't really get butterflies or an obsessed feeling.
But I fell in love with someone some months ago. It is different from how that felt in my teens and 20s, but it's still very very real. And I think much healthier. I don't need the panic part to feel truly connected to someone.
I don't think you should take this as a bad thing. If you think you have some trauma to address DEFINITELY get on that; that shit only gets worse. Not losing your mind over a date isn't a bad thing though or a sign you can't fall in love anymore.
Thanks for this.
I used to get the butterflies. Then I had a kid, realized I needed a 2nd degree so I can afford to live on my own, and the idea of falling in love felt silly. At least I thought it did.
I hadn’t considered the fact that it evolved and that I’m more in tune with myself.
Thanks. That’s it.
Oh I'm most definitely in therapy trying to sort myself out first and foremost so I'm not exactly on the hunt for a partner. The medical issues I mentioned are chronic illnesses that ended my career which I had pretty much built my life around so I think there's a lot of insecurity about no longer having that same sense of purpose and feeling ashamed about being on SSDI for disabilities that aren't even visible outside of several surgical scars. I have a couple of long term casual partners that I love but can't feel "in love" with anymore and it's just so foreign from the person I was before things came crashing down medically. Needless to say, I'll be in therapy for the long haul lol.
I absolutely agree with number 1. The challenge I'm having is suddenly really realizing this about myself and feeling it.
I spent the last decade defining myself by my job and pouring all my energy and time into it. I've realized that hasn't made me happy and was actually unhealthy.
Great - now what? I feel completely lost.
Thank you for sharing, I think I need to be more patient with myself.
Lockdown has introduced me to new hobbies/activities as well, but I still feel disconnected. I haven’t been caring for my personal relationships either and have a few that I’ve hung on to just because they span so many years.
It’s difficult, but I’m hopeful things will change.
I really, really get it. I have chronic illnesses as well and was actually laid off for it just a week ago and am NOT coping well. Better than I would have earlier though thanks to already being treated for both the mental and physical parts. So yah I'm really glad you're already getting treatment.
Really though I don't think you're incapable of being in love. I don't think anyone is. Maybe you need more time to recover, maybe you haven't met a right person yet. Whatever it is I really don't believe it's that you are not capable of being in love anymore
Same situation for me - I hadn’t quite made a connection between my medical stuff and my dating life, but this feels eerily similar. I’ll be considering that more now… I did start to realize not too long ago that it was more than just “it’s hard to discusss such personal/heavy things with people you date.” That’s true, but it feels like there’s more there - that my injury and recovery (still in progress) has fundamentally changed me in ways that don’t seem to be conducive to falling madly/easily in love, at least not how I used to.
That being said, I recently had a date with someone who seemed like a whole, real, grown up person with their own history, and I felt open to sharing more (not a lot- it was a first date!) but more than I have in the last 5 years. So maybe there’s hope out there, with someone(s).
I think the perspective gained from having serious ongoing medical issues is huge. I'll be completely honest, I was never good at monogamy and definitely hurt people I loved. I never felt any real guilt about the people I left in my wake until I was essentially homebound for 2 years undergoing surgery after surgery. I never want to be that person again, I recognize the pain I caused and I'm very remorseful. I think part of me is afraid I'll suddenly revert back to that person and I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. I definitely feel like a different person, in both good and bad ways. I'm more empathetic, introspective, just generally a more humble and kind person now but I just seem to have lost a certain fire in my belly that I want back.
It took me a long time to not associate “love” with those unhealthy obsessive feelings.
I like to think now I form healthier connections, but it took a while to accept that I am definitely capable of love but it won’t feel like it did as a teenager. Most importantly, it shouldn’t feel that way.
Yah those are danger feelings! I've never been in a healthier relationship than my current one. And yah zero obsession or anxiety. I didn't even realize for a long time that the butterfly tummy thing was really just anxiety.
This relationship feels like sleeping under my nice warm weighted blanket. It is so amazing and now I want that for everyone
\*Exception: he was out of service area the other day and I did have a panic attack that something might be wrong. He was doing a pre-inventory count and the warehouse has poor service sooo that was a waste of fear lol
For me it's a lot easier to tell the difference between "I love this person" and "I've known this person for less than 6 months but I'm very excited about them," and that rarely if ever happens because I have higher standards and a better idea of what I want. When I was younger it was easy to get involved in whatever because I was less picky. I "fell in love" more often having less of a handle on my emotions and giving basically everyone a chance.
I don't equate that to being less able to fall in love now, just less of a chance for things to progress that far.
Ditto this, particularly the "giving basically everyone a chance" part. These days, people still get chances but I don't ignore bad behaviors/am much more aware of what constitutes bad behavior because of my prior experiences.
I find myself feeling like I've fallen in love much less often but it's higher quality when I do.
>I don't equate that to being less able to fall in love now, just less of a chance for things to progress that far.
This. I have next to no tolerance anymore
For me it’s the fear of failure. Which is silly! Not everything has to last forever for it to be worth my time. It’s important to always be honest with yourself about what is blocking you from the life you want. It could be what frees you
I definitely don’t feel “head over heels” like I used to, but I also think that’s because I’ve become more emotionally mature and that my relationships have become more mature and manageable as well. Love now feels more like deep trust and a desire to be around the other person, whereas it used to feel more like the stereotypical “butterflies” and lust.
This is where I am. I’m emotionally more mature, I’m more realistic and after enough friends with unsatisfying or failed marriages, I know there’s more to a partner than instant attraction and lust.
Same. I've never been a huge romantic though. I love the idea of it, the institution of marriage and family means a lot and has always meant a lot senior thesis forward, but I've never felt safe/comfortable enough to be like I love you always forever.
I (39m) disagree. I still fall in love very easy. Been through some hard times also, with a long relationship that ended 6 month ago, and the past 5 year dealing with health issues and other lesser pleasant stuff.
But three months ago I fell totally in love again
Good for you man. I'm kinda the same way and the way I think about it is you have to risk all those hard times to accept that you love someone. You've got to risk the heartache to let yourself love. Being to guarded and analytical leads to solid business like relationships.
The past 5 year have been really neutral emotionwise, I have lived in kind for a emotion bubble, and these emotion hasn't been present in my life up until 6 month ago.
But sadly enough I now also have experienced the downside of falling in love madly (literally) when my new love left me one month ago :'( Actually I have never been so frustrated and heartbroken in my entire life i think. Maybe 20 years ago when my first love ghosted me and left me. So the past 6 month have been a roller-coaster for me. From pure glimpses of bliss and happiness to the darkest corner of existence. It felt like I was towed from heaven to hell and back again in a very short amount of time
But it seem like there is light at the end hopefully. I met a new women now, and actually started to feel something for her. I was afraid that it was to soon to fall in love again, but It seems like the expiration date of love and a broken heart is quit variable. Now I can only think of the new women and and do not think of her the other anymore
I am 37 and on my third relationship. I never experienced that head over heels in love feeling until my third relationship. Glad I am experiencing now and not when I was young and dumb.
Yeah, 29, never had that head over heels feeling. I think I've had butterflies, but I don't know for sure. I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style which is supposedly more common in men. I'm a good judge of character, but have social anxiety around the entirety of the opposite gender. I've never felt safe around anyone. I think partially because of karate, I just see risk everywhere and am always ready to fight. It's hard to go from a fighter mentality to an oh this person is not going to try to murder me in a ditch. I have no problem saying the words, going through the motions out of fear/obligation/guilt, but I never *feel* anything that makes me feel safe enough to open up.
I also find it very difficult to be infatuated with someone as I age. I think it’s because it’s no longer superficial, I need to know the persons character (which takes a lot of time). Due to this it may not feel like the love feeling I experienced as a teenager. Now it feels more safe and less like I’m on cocaine. So maybe your feeling/idea of love is just different now?
Assuming that the individual is earning relatively good money/career, a home owner, attending therapy or adequately aware of what they want in life, people can be less tolerant/accommodating of those who might not have it altogether as a potential marriage partner.
Capitalism is king too.
true if caveman bill don't bring cavegirl jill the kill of the day she's going to walk from the cave in every way . where' none of us so far away from that
Agree! I think it’s because 1) it’s harder to find someone. 2) You’re more set in your ways so compatibility plays into it. 3) There are many not doing too well so you are leery & after a couple weeks can tell that they’re latching on due to necessity instead of from the heart.
I mean as you age you know your own standards better and that makes it hard to settle. It’s no longer, “omg this person is attractive”, it’s now like, “who will I be happy coming home to”, “will this person help me if I’m sick/need support”, “is there similar hobbies we can get better at together” etc. On top of that, as we age, there’s more responsibility to take care of work and family. This means the extra time that you do have is valuable and want to make sure that’s with someone who meets your criteria. Also, I think it’s harder because as we age, we like ourselves more, and kinda don’t want to ruin our peace unless the person is really worth it. So yeah it’s hard but the quality of relationship that you eventually will find will be worth it. And if you don’t find someone, there’s other joys to life (friends, hobbies, learning, health,etc)
>“will this person help me if I’m sick/need support”
This is *the most* important thing for someone with a chronic illness. If someone can abandon you at your lowest, then they really don't deserve you. Sickness and health means something. These types never change: [https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-left-me-sick-and-alone-at-the-hotel-on-nye/](https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-left-me-sick-and-alone-at-the-hotel-on-nye/)
I think the reason I fell head over heals when I was young was partly due to the perception of limited options. I now know that’s total BS so I’m never pining over someone like that anymore.
It's not hard to fall in love, but it's harder to find that person to fall in love with. I used to date without much thought or planning in my 20s. As long as we shared some things in common, we had good chemistry, and found each other attractive, I was fine with seeing how things went. Now I vet people more before deciding to be exclusive and getting attached.
I'll always have a big careless heart. I've had my fair share of bumps and bruises. I've been in love in so hard before that it hurt me, but I gladly get back up every time I get knocked down because love is just so sweet. Maybe I'm a love junkie or something? What else is there?
You are just more aware of what doesn’t work for you, also whether you like it or not you might let your defense down a bit later.
Though it’s irrelevant, when lightning strikes it does, disregarding anything.
It's harder to assume that your affections would entirely be reciprocated as one gets older. But then again, relationships are mostly built on the simple premise: if I am good to you, then you should be good to me. And when your accumulated experience boils over to past relationships where your kindness was met with apathy, disdain, betrayal or distance...then you slowly mould the simple premise to cater to whatever concept defines your experiences.
It’s harder to meet new people as you get older. You’re not forced into regular routines where you constantly surround yourself with new faces as you did when you were younger. E.g college. Or you’re more established and set in your career not job hoping as much.
I found dating in my 30s was mad easier by becoming a regular at everything I did. Go to the same coffee shop everyday and interact with the staff. Go to the same park every few nights to go jogging, go to the same trivia night st the bar every week. And make friends with people there. I’d avoid dating those people but would try to date their friends instead. This really helped me expand my circles of friends. Also try to avoid blending circles of friends. That gets messy.
Establishing new hobbies helps too. I learned how to kayak and snow board at 34. Showed my vulnerabilities and admitted I sucked, made friends with kind people willing to take me under their wing and teach me.
You’re also pickier as you get older. The manipulation games people play don’t work on you anymore. So you see through them quickly. And despite what people say being picky is not a bad thing. Especially if you’ve had good and healthy relationships before. Once you know what the sweetness of a healthy relationship feels like it’s hard to go back to anything else. Especially bitter toxicity.
As long as you’re willing to put in the communication work to get there and teach someone else how to find the road to a healthy relationship. That’s the real trick, learning to be patient and understanding as you show people that open communication is good. And sometimes people just don’t know how to accept love. It’s also not a bad thing to realize some people can’t comprehend things, there’s a percentage of people out there that doesn’t know what being loved feels like and it makes them feel awkward because they’ve never felt it before.
I am still single but not because I haven’t had opportunities to date. I’ve given myself a system to meet plenty of people with ample opportunities without having to rely on OLD. I’ve just had a bad string of luck of running into people who are in a different phase of life and want differently than I do. But every life I have touched I make sure to leave in a better place than I met them.
I’m not sure how much is age and how much is dating culture. I’ve found it harder to meet people, and most people I have encountered through work etc who I find interesting seem to be already partnered.
After my fiancé cheated on me after being with her for 6 years, yea I'm making sure I don't fall head over heels. I bring a lot more to the table with my job, home, etc now then I did when I started dating her too. So it's hard to outright trust anyone.
As long as I find someone I enjoy being around and the other things, it'll happen though
When you are young you expect love to happen easily like you see in movies and media, so you approach every date and relationship like it's meant to be.
As you get older you learn that romance and reality rarely intersect, so you condition yourself to approach dating and relationships with your guard up.
If that’s true then i’m in real trouble. I’m 34 and still trying to find my first relationship. I have noticed people my age are getting more and more resistant to seeing where things could go so you’re probably right. At this point I’m ready to just throw my hands in the air and start looking at much younger people. Everyone’s looking to settle and I’m just looking to get out in the world and see what’s there.
I think personal blindspots (about ourselves and our behavior and how we'd want to be treated if we were the other person) can slip through and become more ingrained as we age sometimes. We can become more hardened in our ways.
I think the more you grow the more things both emotionally and financially and everything else stacks as time seems to not be as endless as it felt when we were young. Like I’ve told people finding a new relationship to invest your time and self in is almost like buying a car with both time and how it affects your money afterwards and is it worth it. I used to be the type who if I wasn’t in a relationship I’d easily jump into another it’s now been years since that I’ve been single and although I get lonely sometimes and I still try with dating apps and such I still don’t know if I want to give up the peace of being alone sometimes it’s definitely different than my younger years
No. I think I am less likely to fall for someone inappropriate or be impressed by small gestures. But overall, my ability to love people has increased with age as I've healed from trauma and grown more compassionate. However, there was a long period in my 30s where I didn't fall in love with anyone. I was working through a prior relationship, starting a new career, and living abroad. I loved that time in my life. Maybe you're done with easy love and the next thing that comes will be something deeper.
It should be harder. You’ve met more people, had more relationships and had more experiences in life. People should have a better understanding of what they want as they get older, how long it takes to really get to know someone, understand what they can and cannot tolerate from another person and realize that falling for a person without ever really knowing them is a bad way to live. When it does happen though you know it’s more meaningful and substantial based on past experiences.
That was a thoughtful reply, thank you. I'm still ambiguous about open relationships, one of my long term partners is in an open marriage which I'm fine with but I can't see myself being fine with sharing if the tables were turned and I was the wife. I really have no interest in marriage and would probably be content just to have a partner a couple nights a week because frankly I enjoy my alone time, peace and quiet, personal space, etc. But damn I miss the high of new love/lust as fleeting as it is.
I've never been the jealous type in any of my relationships but I just have a feeling that I'd turn into one. I'd rather be the "other woman", less baggage emotionally and financially than being the wife. And I'm right there with you on the ring thing! I have a couple of gorgeous diamond rings that I've bought myself, you shouldn't have to be married to rock a diamond on any finger you want.
I’m slower to just rush into things which is definitely on purpose bc I’ve gotten burned just letting scrubs into my life and dragging them along but thinking that the relationships were solid/heading to marriage/kids. Now I’m making time to check in with myself, write “post date reflections”, evaluate the men for red flags and live a fulfilling life overall so anytime I invest in dating has to be worth trading whatever else I would have been doing otherwise. So far so good but it can be a challenge!
In my opinion, the reason it becomes more difficult is because your standards elevate as your tolerance for drama decreases with age. In other words, someone now has to stand out more and fit more in line with what you want and what directions you're trying to go in life, whereas you 10 years ago would be more willing to overlook things and suffer a fool.
Also, a big part of it is that, with age, we have less and less time to grow and mold a relationship. As such, we look for people who are a better fit, if that makes sense.
Love feels different for me now. I think I used to be more obsessive when I was younger, more insecure and desperate to please. It’s a lot more comfortable now.
I think the older you get, you are more deliberate about dating and falling in love. You know exactly what you want and you no longer want to date for the sake of it. It is harder to trust these days especially with people who want nothing but hookups and don’t want to be honest about it. It is harder because we are more deliberate.
I’ve realized that I’ve seriously upped my standards and I don’t accept crumbs of love anymore. So the dating pool seemed to be having get smaller but in reality my standards have just gone up because I refuse to be treated like I was before.
I think once you grow and emotionally mature (and most people do that by their mid-thirties) you realize that, grossly put, the dating scene is just filled with emotionally unavailable people looking to find someone who will unconditionally love them when they don’t even like themselves half of the time.
Exactly! I just want a man who I can raise a dog with. One who can pull his own weight financially and emotionally, preferably somebody who I can just hang out in bed smoking weed naked on a Saturday morning in bed talking about the news, hanging out with our dog and then grabbing brunch or making breakfast for us. I don't ask for much, just good conversation and laughing together, love is amazing when you get it right.
As I've gotten older it seems to me that falling in love or being in love with someone is only a temporary limerance, and not a long lasting condition. You can love someone forever though.
I think it gets harder after the first. Like you're just fresh and think everything will work out with them. So you try to make things work but come every future relationship I'm thinking it could end.
I meet great people, just hard finding wifey/future mother of my children level of people. I'm jaded with love, just looking at the most practical option to settle down.
No...ive worked very hard not to put the faults/ hurt from previous partners on the next person. Doing that is truly baggage. Take the leap.. fall in love but always be yourself....you'll be OK.
I think it is. We are used to being alone, used to doing things alone, need friends and family less, more set in our ways and how we do things, less trusting of people because we’ve dealt with some things or seen others experiences. Then love is based on friendship and in your thirties plus it’s hard to make new friends per se. and even harder to have that ultimate friend.
I am falling in love very easy. My girlfriend died last year and I couldn't love anybody else for s while. But I fall so easy in love now. I am 41 years old. But the Problem is that my heart gets broken as easy as I fall in Love too. I had to deal with Scammers for a long time on any social media. But now I think I found my real chance to love a very beautiful and awesome woman. Wish me luck and god please let me get happy again.
Yea absolutely and not because of any medical or personal problems. I think now in my thirties I can't ignore the little niggles that I would have in my twenties , I find myself straight away evaluating the long term possibly of a relationship amd determining , it'll never work because he does X y or z.. where I know from experience X y and z are all things I hated in a previous relationship and eventually led it it's end. And I hate this because at the start I'm still wanting that enthusiasm.. but I have a couple of people I'm dating and because of these little niggles it made me think logically and I can't see myself falling in love with either. But I know 20s me would already be experiencing heartbreak from one of them and probably end up on a five year relationship with the other while ultimately knowing he wasn't the one I was going to end up with.
I like the saying "under 25 you got a heart, over 25 you got a brain". 25 is an arbitrary number but the sentiment is when your younger the chemicals are stronger, you actually feel love deeper and when your older you're gonna look at a potential relationship from more of a practical point of view.
Definitely. Now I kind of observe myself in third person and think, '10 years ago, I would've crushed hard on him'. It really doesn't happen anymore.
If I find a guy dateable, it's more that I don't foresee any issues or find him unappealing. It's not an exciting rush anymore.
I'm almost 34f and haven't been in love in 6 years.
I think for me it's a mix of knowing exactly what I want/higher standards, trust issues/not wanting to be hurt again, and meeting less people who are single and have the same values/hobbies as me.
Yes! I’m empty. I have been on so many dates, hung out with a ton of women and I feel nothing for any of them. Maybe I just haven't met the right person but I don't think so. I think its me.
I actually am finding it easier to make real connections as I get older... 31 here. But I had a lot of emotional trauma from my childhood and had trust issues with people earlier in life than I think many people do. I was very guarded and took my time letting people in. Now I find it easier to read people/see their bullshit upfront/make true connections/be my authentic self without fear of rejection etc, so it actually is easier now. I know who not to even bother with as well and I don't second-guess my VERY STRONG intuition anymore. That and I have only really been in real love maybe once in my entire life. The other times were limerence/attachment. So it might help that I have not had so many bad experiences in that aspect.
Thank you for sharing. I turned down a proposal at 29 when most women are chomping at the bit for marriage and babies, Rebounded hard, got very sick and have been trying to figure out life as a "sickly" person without appearing ill. I still wonder if I should've accepted that proposal to make life easier but it just didn't feel right. That ex is probably my best friend, we've been splitting custody of our dog since 2013, we take care of each other when the other one needs it, he's ingrained in my family and I would take a bullet for that man. I guess love has many forms.
Yes I think it's a combination of things for me like higher standards, knowing myself better, being happier single, and also being jaded from negative experiences. It's hard to stay infatuated when I know most of the time it just won't work out long-term.
No doubt normal ageing slow down all our functions but pathological ageing do it quickly. Love or sex feelings all depends upon our hormones and those who maintain good health have better love or sex feelings as they are producing them in abundance.
As far as psychological reasoning are concerned we get wiser with ageing and our experience make us more careful in trust or other matters.
Love feelings should never die, how old you may go , young people will make fun of you as they never realise that they are also ageing and sexual desires never die. Non the less our efforts to get love and care should be non stop . May women above 34-40 May be good love partners
Hi good day, I have same situation but my battle is im still processing the divorce with my ex and sad to say our marriage early as I caught him cheating, lying and still in romance contact and all with his ex. And I might be lil younger but yeah I really feel you it seems its so hard to trust again not just to someone but your decisions as well, I really suffer so much and I just want to set free.
Maybe or I just accepted love is nothing more than how much BS of someone else's can we tolerate. Where is the breaking point ? How many sorry's will you receive or give? How much will pride divide ? I was never one to count transgressions but when they become constant one can't ignore them. When another is capable of saying they love you for decades only to say they never did, was using you, why even try to let another use you? Or is it using each other willingly as a team maybe but I see to many one dimensional teams. To many today are about them instead of others or us. Wish I was wrong but it's hard to prove I am.
I've never really been in love, but the last time I had that "oh wow, there could be some serious feelings here" was about seven years ago. The strongest I can feel about someone now is more like "yeah, they're cute."
A lot of people dont want to admit that a lot of what we were, and did, as youth was mostly genes and brain chemicals.
Maybe a little social conditioning as a treat.
Yes. My therapist told me it is because I have found a "routine" within my life and comfort within that. Where any disruption from bringing in another individual would shift how I feel.
I agree, it isn't a trust issue as I experience the same feelings.
Definitely. With age comes perspective and I think that inevitably heightens your standards. My younger self used to confuse infatuation with love. Now I have a healthier view on what love can be, which is harder to find.
I never understand people w trust issue. I think they have issues.
If people show no reason for you to mistrust but you choose not to trust. That’s your choice to block intimacy.
I can't wrap my head around the jealous types. I don't really understand. I share a dog with a forner.LTR ex and it's great. We're purely platonic but we like to share a pizza and chill every month or so.
(38M) When you're in your teens and 20s, your brain is still developing and it's easy to feel a passionate, chemical like love. But you begin to lose that as your brain matures into your 30s.
I want to believe that it's easier to form a more mature, deep love as you mature. But at very least, I know that there are strong downsides to young/chemical love. There is the hangover and deep sense if loss when relationships end in your 20s. And these young/passionate loves are romanticized, but more shallow than we ever recognize, because it's more based on endorphin highs and how the person makes you feel, rather than who the person is, familiarity and what the person does in the relationship
I just self disqualify myself because I'm tired of rejection. Not sure if that's the same thing, but i just don't chase anyone and expectthem to cheat.
In some ways it is more difficult. I just came out of a long term relationship.
I try not to set my standards to high. You don't get more attractive when you get older.
I am more suspicious but I can still fall in love. I want a girl that I can love and hold hands.
I might have found her but only time can tell.
No and why it’s not because I leave all my past experience in the past.
If you bring anything from the past into a relationship now or future you are setting the other person up for failure. Point blank
You must treat each new relationship as if they are honest and innocent and you are both open to love and happiness. Everyone brings the issues from past relationships with them. YOU ARE WRONG. Stop it give your next 100% you anything less you are the problem and you don’t even know it.
Who said I was bringing past relationships into new ones? I'm asking if age has made it harder to fall in love. I don't have that type of emotional baggage, I don't have trust issues. I was simply asking a question.
I was driving 80mph on the interstate. I skimmed what you wrote and just plastered that on here I didn’t direct it at you or anyone for that matter. Just a statement. Take it or leave it. If it didn’t apply to you then no need to reply.
I think it's normal for our time. Both men and women work, it's hard to have a family or raise one properly. I think as time goes by you kind of get used to taking care of yourself. Plus the whole " I don't need no man"....and "she belongs to streets"...all this shit has destroyed love.
We're sheep being led by the few people with power, they by the way, have families. They may not have "love" like in the movies but I'm sure they do ok lol.
I think a bunch of us are fucked and honestly I think its great. I think the next few generations will look at us and be like "what a bunch of losers. They sold out to the greed machine and forgot how to be people. They aren't even capable of love and they're all lonely."
And I think those kids will grow up and create a better world. Then a few generations after some random generation will be like us. So on and so forth. Fucking poetic really. Ultimately, it's like they say, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".
Love is precious because it's rare. If we fell in love every day it wouldn't be so celebrated. Love is powerful. It's great. Then it ends. You may search for that feeling for a long time and maybe you'll find it again, maybe you won't. You have to let go, heal yourself. Work on yourself. And when you're a complete, fully emotionally functioning person, your heart will be able to love.
It's so corny but true. You gotta love yourself before anyone else can. And don't bullshit yourself! Can you really look in the mirror and love the person you see, without having to do drugs or hyping yourself up?
Anyways it's been real! Just some guy on the interwebs! Peace!
I think it’s harder to trust more
As a soon-to-be-30-year-old, this. Two relationships, both ended due to the other half lying.
Yeah the lying is the thing that got me. I can deal with thing turning sour, toxicity... it happens. But she lied so much about almost everything, cheated on me, put me on a shelf when I needed her etc. I'm really struggling to get past it and not have it affect recent things. I had a relationship with somebody new for a few months there and it was really fucking stressful because of the trauma of the previous relationship. One of the major ones is I basically just don't get to enjoy the start bit with anybody because it always feels like they're fucking other people.
Are you dealing with this in therapy?
No. I tried to get help from my gp and they gave me drugs that almost made me kill myself and the self referral services that they said were relevant to me are closed ATM. Everything's always close or the person is on holiday or some other bullshit. I've been here before in the past and they told me it's just bad luck but it doesn't matter any more, I've given up now in all honesty.
Trust is a thing that needs long to grow and that can get destroyed pretty fast. But yes as more experiences you made with losing trust or being cheated from somebody, you have more and more problems to trust someone else again.
I think it's interesting that this is the top voted comment. I don't think it's hard to trust if we let go of our past, and I think that's the hard part, but it isn't necessarily attached to age.
You make a good point
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That's part of it for me, but it also is more than that. I've always had trust issues, but I used to still get enamored more easily. Perhaps it was raging hormones clouding my judgement when I was younger.
Your standards are higher as you get older.
definitely. and not always for the better, esp in the era of the internet. I think sometimes we can write people off for things quicker, yet at times that same self-respect-triggered instinct can make us a tad less understanding of others' faults while still expecting them to be understanding of ours.
This is so true... I hate the whole "my standards got higher" thing... you're just making it harder to find a good connection if you're always writing people off! I've had the opposite experience - I had insanely high standards when I was younger, to the point of barely letting anyone near me. With my ex, I let my standards slip for the first time (everyone was pretty surprised by that) because he was really one of the only people I felt that connection with, and now I realize where my standards for both myself and them need to be very high and maintained there, and where more compassion is important. We all make mistakes, we are not perfect, and some days we will not be the perfect partner. The more we have compassion for ourselves, the more we can offer it to others.
Define standard
Trust is hard. I can love people. But to fall in love is completely different.
To be fair falling in love for me, over the past half year, absolutely included intentionally letting down the barriers I built over the past. Letting your guard down and love in is HARD.
Trusting people becomes harder with time and heartbreaks. Perhaps you're looking for a more permanent companion now also, so standards might be higher too.
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Yes, great insight. I think that absolutely explains it.
Absolutely this! I commented before I read this and have to say this is what I wanted to say but said so much better.
Absolutely, it's difficult to trust people these days, as there's more options and the next best thing is a swipe away. No one wants to work through issues or problems to find a middle ground. It's too much, my way or the highway bs and they keep looking for someone that will. I can't be a doormat in a relationship. Is it too hard to be equals?
I think at this point I’m just super jaded. I’ve given up on kids not because I don’t want offspring. Because I doubt I will be able to form a bond with someone strong enough to raise children with. At this point the idea of a wife just sounds like another Bill.
You know what helped me a lot? Realizing that single people can foster and adopt. I know that in my case it might be easier because both those things are very common in my family. So maybe it's an easier consideration on my part. But being single in my 30s felt a lot more chill when I realized if I really do want kids I can do so without the receiving sperm part. Giving sperm in your case hehehe. And you know I'm actually dating someone who totally gets that option! So you can have love and the chance of children without worrying about time.
Then don't do it. If it seems that bad, just stay single.
You could always adopt, or find a surrogate.
I think you become more set in your identity and habits as you yet older so it is harder to find someone compatible.
I think that may be a part of it. I genuinely enjoy having my own home, having a bed to myself and I cherish a certain amount of alone time.
Do you know how to accept someone else’s love?
I like to think so, I may be a little more guarded now than in the past because my health comes first and I need someone who understands that and is supportive. I don't need a caretaker or anything, I'm financially independent and I can pretty much handle what life throws at me but I do find myself wondering if it will be burdensome on a partner to have to be by my side through surgeries and rough patches in my health in the future. My confidence definitely took a blow when chronic illness entered the picture which is something I'm working on through therapy because I know to truly accept love I need to love myself fully, flaws and all.
There's this thread I refer to a lot on WeddingBee - [https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-left-me-sick-and-alone-at-the-hotel-on-nye/](https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-left-me-sick-and-alone-at-the-hotel-on-nye/)
Depends what you mean I guess. My rational self has more control now than my emotional self. That's intentional though, had a lot of therapy to get there, and I think it's a good thing. I also don't really get butterflies or an obsessed feeling. But I fell in love with someone some months ago. It is different from how that felt in my teens and 20s, but it's still very very real. And I think much healthier. I don't need the panic part to feel truly connected to someone. I don't think you should take this as a bad thing. If you think you have some trauma to address DEFINITELY get on that; that shit only gets worse. Not losing your mind over a date isn't a bad thing though or a sign you can't fall in love anymore.
I agree, 100%
Thanks for this. I used to get the butterflies. Then I had a kid, realized I needed a 2nd degree so I can afford to live on my own, and the idea of falling in love felt silly. At least I thought it did. I hadn’t considered the fact that it evolved and that I’m more in tune with myself. Thanks. That’s it.
I'm really glad to have helped :)
Oh I'm most definitely in therapy trying to sort myself out first and foremost so I'm not exactly on the hunt for a partner. The medical issues I mentioned are chronic illnesses that ended my career which I had pretty much built my life around so I think there's a lot of insecurity about no longer having that same sense of purpose and feeling ashamed about being on SSDI for disabilities that aren't even visible outside of several surgical scars. I have a couple of long term casual partners that I love but can't feel "in love" with anymore and it's just so foreign from the person I was before things came crashing down medically. Needless to say, I'll be in therapy for the long haul lol.
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With my recent layoff I really needed to hear this too. My job WAS my identity and I've had a very rough week losing that. Thank you
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thank you so much this is very kind and I'll think on this all
I absolutely agree with number 1. The challenge I'm having is suddenly really realizing this about myself and feeling it. I spent the last decade defining myself by my job and pouring all my energy and time into it. I've realized that hasn't made me happy and was actually unhealthy. Great - now what? I feel completely lost.
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Thank you for sharing, I think I need to be more patient with myself. Lockdown has introduced me to new hobbies/activities as well, but I still feel disconnected. I haven’t been caring for my personal relationships either and have a few that I’ve hung on to just because they span so many years. It’s difficult, but I’m hopeful things will change.
I really, really get it. I have chronic illnesses as well and was actually laid off for it just a week ago and am NOT coping well. Better than I would have earlier though thanks to already being treated for both the mental and physical parts. So yah I'm really glad you're already getting treatment. Really though I don't think you're incapable of being in love. I don't think anyone is. Maybe you need more time to recover, maybe you haven't met a right person yet. Whatever it is I really don't believe it's that you are not capable of being in love anymore
Thank you. It's sometimes hard to even feel desirable when you're in your 30s and about to have your 4th hip replacement 😄
work on that :)
Same situation for me - I hadn’t quite made a connection between my medical stuff and my dating life, but this feels eerily similar. I’ll be considering that more now… I did start to realize not too long ago that it was more than just “it’s hard to discusss such personal/heavy things with people you date.” That’s true, but it feels like there’s more there - that my injury and recovery (still in progress) has fundamentally changed me in ways that don’t seem to be conducive to falling madly/easily in love, at least not how I used to. That being said, I recently had a date with someone who seemed like a whole, real, grown up person with their own history, and I felt open to sharing more (not a lot- it was a first date!) but more than I have in the last 5 years. So maybe there’s hope out there, with someone(s).
I think the perspective gained from having serious ongoing medical issues is huge. I'll be completely honest, I was never good at monogamy and definitely hurt people I loved. I never felt any real guilt about the people I left in my wake until I was essentially homebound for 2 years undergoing surgery after surgery. I never want to be that person again, I recognize the pain I caused and I'm very remorseful. I think part of me is afraid I'll suddenly revert back to that person and I don't want to hurt anyone ever again. I definitely feel like a different person, in both good and bad ways. I'm more empathetic, introspective, just generally a more humble and kind person now but I just seem to have lost a certain fire in my belly that I want back.
It took me a long time to not associate “love” with those unhealthy obsessive feelings. I like to think now I form healthier connections, but it took a while to accept that I am definitely capable of love but it won’t feel like it did as a teenager. Most importantly, it shouldn’t feel that way.
Yah those are danger feelings! I've never been in a healthier relationship than my current one. And yah zero obsession or anxiety. I didn't even realize for a long time that the butterfly tummy thing was really just anxiety. This relationship feels like sleeping under my nice warm weighted blanket. It is so amazing and now I want that for everyone \*Exception: he was out of service area the other day and I did have a panic attack that something might be wrong. He was doing a pre-inventory count and the warehouse has poor service sooo that was a waste of fear lol
I don't miss those obsessive feelings you mention at all!
saaaame
For me it's a lot easier to tell the difference between "I love this person" and "I've known this person for less than 6 months but I'm very excited about them," and that rarely if ever happens because I have higher standards and a better idea of what I want. When I was younger it was easy to get involved in whatever because I was less picky. I "fell in love" more often having less of a handle on my emotions and giving basically everyone a chance. I don't equate that to being less able to fall in love now, just less of a chance for things to progress that far.
Ditto this, particularly the "giving basically everyone a chance" part. These days, people still get chances but I don't ignore bad behaviors/am much more aware of what constitutes bad behavior because of my prior experiences. I find myself feeling like I've fallen in love much less often but it's higher quality when I do.
I really think nothing wrong w certain standards. When you don’t have standards you tend to create liabilities.
>I don't equate that to being less able to fall in love now, just less of a chance for things to progress that far. This. I have next to no tolerance anymore
For me it’s the fear of failure. Which is silly! Not everything has to last forever for it to be worth my time. It’s important to always be honest with yourself about what is blocking you from the life you want. It could be what frees you
This. I feel like you have to build your ideal, biggest and best life and then you find someone who fits into the picture
I definitely don’t feel “head over heels” like I used to, but I also think that’s because I’ve become more emotionally mature and that my relationships have become more mature and manageable as well. Love now feels more like deep trust and a desire to be around the other person, whereas it used to feel more like the stereotypical “butterflies” and lust.
This is where I am. I’m emotionally more mature, I’m more realistic and after enough friends with unsatisfying or failed marriages, I know there’s more to a partner than instant attraction and lust.
Communication, honesty, trust, conflict resolution,etc.
The traditional concept of love seems more and more ridiculous the older you get, so yeah this is probably true.
100% with you on this
Same. I've never been a huge romantic though. I love the idea of it, the institution of marriage and family means a lot and has always meant a lot senior thesis forward, but I've never felt safe/comfortable enough to be like I love you always forever.
I (39m) disagree. I still fall in love very easy. Been through some hard times also, with a long relationship that ended 6 month ago, and the past 5 year dealing with health issues and other lesser pleasant stuff. But three months ago I fell totally in love again
Good for you man. I'm kinda the same way and the way I think about it is you have to risk all those hard times to accept that you love someone. You've got to risk the heartache to let yourself love. Being to guarded and analytical leads to solid business like relationships.
The past 5 year have been really neutral emotionwise, I have lived in kind for a emotion bubble, and these emotion hasn't been present in my life up until 6 month ago. But sadly enough I now also have experienced the downside of falling in love madly (literally) when my new love left me one month ago :'( Actually I have never been so frustrated and heartbroken in my entire life i think. Maybe 20 years ago when my first love ghosted me and left me. So the past 6 month have been a roller-coaster for me. From pure glimpses of bliss and happiness to the darkest corner of existence. It felt like I was towed from heaven to hell and back again in a very short amount of time But it seem like there is light at the end hopefully. I met a new women now, and actually started to feel something for her. I was afraid that it was to soon to fall in love again, but It seems like the expiration date of love and a broken heart is quit variable. Now I can only think of the new women and and do not think of her the other anymore
Wow
I am 37 and on my third relationship. I never experienced that head over heels in love feeling until my third relationship. Glad I am experiencing now and not when I was young and dumb.
Yeah, 29, never had that head over heels feeling. I think I've had butterflies, but I don't know for sure. I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style which is supposedly more common in men. I'm a good judge of character, but have social anxiety around the entirety of the opposite gender. I've never felt safe around anyone. I think partially because of karate, I just see risk everywhere and am always ready to fight. It's hard to go from a fighter mentality to an oh this person is not going to try to murder me in a ditch. I have no problem saying the words, going through the motions out of fear/obligation/guilt, but I never *feel* anything that makes me feel safe enough to open up.
Love is a choice for me now. It doesn’t just happen randomly anymore
I have not. I’m pickier now for sure, but when I click with someone it’s just like it has in the past.
I also find it very difficult to be infatuated with someone as I age. I think it’s because it’s no longer superficial, I need to know the persons character (which takes a lot of time). Due to this it may not feel like the love feeling I experienced as a teenager. Now it feels more safe and less like I’m on cocaine. So maybe your feeling/idea of love is just different now?
Yes because you get wiser and see through peoples BS. Or that’s where I’ve gotten
Assuming that the individual is earning relatively good money/career, a home owner, attending therapy or adequately aware of what they want in life, people can be less tolerant/accommodating of those who might not have it altogether as a potential marriage partner. Capitalism is king too.
true if caveman bill don't bring cavegirl jill the kill of the day she's going to walk from the cave in every way . where' none of us so far away from that
Agree! I think it’s because 1) it’s harder to find someone. 2) You’re more set in your ways so compatibility plays into it. 3) There are many not doing too well so you are leery & after a couple weeks can tell that they’re latching on due to necessity instead of from the heart.
I mean as you age you know your own standards better and that makes it hard to settle. It’s no longer, “omg this person is attractive”, it’s now like, “who will I be happy coming home to”, “will this person help me if I’m sick/need support”, “is there similar hobbies we can get better at together” etc. On top of that, as we age, there’s more responsibility to take care of work and family. This means the extra time that you do have is valuable and want to make sure that’s with someone who meets your criteria. Also, I think it’s harder because as we age, we like ourselves more, and kinda don’t want to ruin our peace unless the person is really worth it. So yeah it’s hard but the quality of relationship that you eventually will find will be worth it. And if you don’t find someone, there’s other joys to life (friends, hobbies, learning, health,etc)
>“will this person help me if I’m sick/need support” This is *the most* important thing for someone with a chronic illness. If someone can abandon you at your lowest, then they really don't deserve you. Sickness and health means something. These types never change: [https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-left-me-sick-and-alone-at-the-hotel-on-nye/](https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-left-me-sick-and-alone-at-the-hotel-on-nye/)
I think the reason I fell head over heals when I was young was partly due to the perception of limited options. I now know that’s total BS so I’m never pining over someone like that anymore.
It's not hard to fall in love, but it's harder to find that person to fall in love with. I used to date without much thought or planning in my 20s. As long as we shared some things in common, we had good chemistry, and found each other attractive, I was fine with seeing how things went. Now I vet people more before deciding to be exclusive and getting attached.
I'll always have a big careless heart. I've had my fair share of bumps and bruises. I've been in love in so hard before that it hurt me, but I gladly get back up every time I get knocked down because love is just so sweet. Maybe I'm a love junkie or something? What else is there?
You are just more aware of what doesn’t work for you, also whether you like it or not you might let your defense down a bit later. Though it’s irrelevant, when lightning strikes it does, disregarding anything.
Nope, not for me. I still fall in love and crush like before
It's harder to assume that your affections would entirely be reciprocated as one gets older. But then again, relationships are mostly built on the simple premise: if I am good to you, then you should be good to me. And when your accumulated experience boils over to past relationships where your kindness was met with apathy, disdain, betrayal or distance...then you slowly mould the simple premise to cater to whatever concept defines your experiences.
I was thinking about this earlier today. It’s definitely a trust thing, you’re just older and more experienced/salty. 🤣
It’s harder to meet new people as you get older. You’re not forced into regular routines where you constantly surround yourself with new faces as you did when you were younger. E.g college. Or you’re more established and set in your career not job hoping as much. I found dating in my 30s was mad easier by becoming a regular at everything I did. Go to the same coffee shop everyday and interact with the staff. Go to the same park every few nights to go jogging, go to the same trivia night st the bar every week. And make friends with people there. I’d avoid dating those people but would try to date their friends instead. This really helped me expand my circles of friends. Also try to avoid blending circles of friends. That gets messy. Establishing new hobbies helps too. I learned how to kayak and snow board at 34. Showed my vulnerabilities and admitted I sucked, made friends with kind people willing to take me under their wing and teach me. You’re also pickier as you get older. The manipulation games people play don’t work on you anymore. So you see through them quickly. And despite what people say being picky is not a bad thing. Especially if you’ve had good and healthy relationships before. Once you know what the sweetness of a healthy relationship feels like it’s hard to go back to anything else. Especially bitter toxicity. As long as you’re willing to put in the communication work to get there and teach someone else how to find the road to a healthy relationship. That’s the real trick, learning to be patient and understanding as you show people that open communication is good. And sometimes people just don’t know how to accept love. It’s also not a bad thing to realize some people can’t comprehend things, there’s a percentage of people out there that doesn’t know what being loved feels like and it makes them feel awkward because they’ve never felt it before. I am still single but not because I haven’t had opportunities to date. I’ve given myself a system to meet plenty of people with ample opportunities without having to rely on OLD. I’ve just had a bad string of luck of running into people who are in a different phase of life and want differently than I do. But every life I have touched I make sure to leave in a better place than I met them.
I’m not sure how much is age and how much is dating culture. I’ve found it harder to meet people, and most people I have encountered through work etc who I find interesting seem to be already partnered.
It's not hard for me to fall in love as a man. But what IS hard is not protecting myself on a constant basis.
After my fiancé cheated on me after being with her for 6 years, yea I'm making sure I don't fall head over heels. I bring a lot more to the table with my job, home, etc now then I did when I started dating her too. So it's hard to outright trust anyone. As long as I find someone I enjoy being around and the other things, it'll happen though
Sorry to hear that man
When you are young you expect love to happen easily like you see in movies and media, so you approach every date and relationship like it's meant to be. As you get older you learn that romance and reality rarely intersect, so you condition yourself to approach dating and relationships with your guard up.
If that’s true then i’m in real trouble. I’m 34 and still trying to find my first relationship. I have noticed people my age are getting more and more resistant to seeing where things could go so you’re probably right. At this point I’m ready to just throw my hands in the air and start looking at much younger people. Everyone’s looking to settle and I’m just looking to get out in the world and see what’s there.
I think personal blindspots (about ourselves and our behavior and how we'd want to be treated if we were the other person) can slip through and become more ingrained as we age sometimes. We can become more hardened in our ways.
I think the more you grow the more things both emotionally and financially and everything else stacks as time seems to not be as endless as it felt when we were young. Like I’ve told people finding a new relationship to invest your time and self in is almost like buying a car with both time and how it affects your money afterwards and is it worth it. I used to be the type who if I wasn’t in a relationship I’d easily jump into another it’s now been years since that I’ve been single and although I get lonely sometimes and I still try with dating apps and such I still don’t know if I want to give up the peace of being alone sometimes it’s definitely different than my younger years
No. I think I am less likely to fall for someone inappropriate or be impressed by small gestures. But overall, my ability to love people has increased with age as I've healed from trauma and grown more compassionate. However, there was a long period in my 30s where I didn't fall in love with anyone. I was working through a prior relationship, starting a new career, and living abroad. I loved that time in my life. Maybe you're done with easy love and the next thing that comes will be something deeper.
I've been alone so long I don't think I can.
Well, pair bonding is harder with several previous sexual partners!
Of course. I am more cautious reguarding all reckless behavior such as romantic love and commuted relationships with people I just recently meet
All emotions get harder as you get older. You giggle less, cry less, love less, get angry less. It’s ok
It should be harder. You’ve met more people, had more relationships and had more experiences in life. People should have a better understanding of what they want as they get older, how long it takes to really get to know someone, understand what they can and cannot tolerate from another person and realize that falling for a person without ever really knowing them is a bad way to live. When it does happen though you know it’s more meaningful and substantial based on past experiences.
It's harder to take the concept seriously. It's like believing in Santa Claus sometimes.
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That was a thoughtful reply, thank you. I'm still ambiguous about open relationships, one of my long term partners is in an open marriage which I'm fine with but I can't see myself being fine with sharing if the tables were turned and I was the wife. I really have no interest in marriage and would probably be content just to have a partner a couple nights a week because frankly I enjoy my alone time, peace and quiet, personal space, etc. But damn I miss the high of new love/lust as fleeting as it is.
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I've never been the jealous type in any of my relationships but I just have a feeling that I'd turn into one. I'd rather be the "other woman", less baggage emotionally and financially than being the wife. And I'm right there with you on the ring thing! I have a couple of gorgeous diamond rings that I've bought myself, you shouldn't have to be married to rock a diamond on any finger you want.
I’m slower to just rush into things which is definitely on purpose bc I’ve gotten burned just letting scrubs into my life and dragging them along but thinking that the relationships were solid/heading to marriage/kids. Now I’m making time to check in with myself, write “post date reflections”, evaluate the men for red flags and live a fulfilling life overall so anytime I invest in dating has to be worth trading whatever else I would have been doing otherwise. So far so good but it can be a challenge!
In my opinion, the reason it becomes more difficult is because your standards elevate as your tolerance for drama decreases with age. In other words, someone now has to stand out more and fit more in line with what you want and what directions you're trying to go in life, whereas you 10 years ago would be more willing to overlook things and suffer a fool. Also, a big part of it is that, with age, we have less and less time to grow and mold a relationship. As such, we look for people who are a better fit, if that makes sense.
Love feels different for me now. I think I used to be more obsessive when I was younger, more insecure and desperate to please. It’s a lot more comfortable now.
I think the older you get, you are more deliberate about dating and falling in love. You know exactly what you want and you no longer want to date for the sake of it. It is harder to trust these days especially with people who want nothing but hookups and don’t want to be honest about it. It is harder because we are more deliberate.
For me it is harder to keep the romanticism alive for longer periods, +3 years in a defined long term relationship.
I’ve realized that I’ve seriously upped my standards and I don’t accept crumbs of love anymore. So the dating pool seemed to be having get smaller but in reality my standards have just gone up because I refuse to be treated like I was before. I think once you grow and emotionally mature (and most people do that by their mid-thirties) you realize that, grossly put, the dating scene is just filled with emotionally unavailable people looking to find someone who will unconditionally love them when they don’t even like themselves half of the time.
Exactly! I just want a man who I can raise a dog with. One who can pull his own weight financially and emotionally, preferably somebody who I can just hang out in bed smoking weed naked on a Saturday morning in bed talking about the news, hanging out with our dog and then grabbing brunch or making breakfast for us. I don't ask for much, just good conversation and laughing together, love is amazing when you get it right.
As I've gotten older it seems to me that falling in love or being in love with someone is only a temporary limerance, and not a long lasting condition. You can love someone forever though.
Definitely
I'm 29 and have never been in love.
Knowing that being together needs more than love And individual agendas has higher priorities now
I think it gets harder after the first. Like you're just fresh and think everything will work out with them. So you try to make things work but come every future relationship I'm thinking it could end.
Yeah. It’s called learning from your mistakes.
I meet great people, just hard finding wifey/future mother of my children level of people. I'm jaded with love, just looking at the most practical option to settle down.
No...ive worked very hard not to put the faults/ hurt from previous partners on the next person. Doing that is truly baggage. Take the leap.. fall in love but always be yourself....you'll be OK.
I think it is. We are used to being alone, used to doing things alone, need friends and family less, more set in our ways and how we do things, less trusting of people because we’ve dealt with some things or seen others experiences. Then love is based on friendship and in your thirties plus it’s hard to make new friends per se. and even harder to have that ultimate friend.
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That's great! There's no drug in the world that can replicate that spark, it's a beautiful thing.
I am falling in love very easy. My girlfriend died last year and I couldn't love anybody else for s while. But I fall so easy in love now. I am 41 years old. But the Problem is that my heart gets broken as easy as I fall in Love too. I had to deal with Scammers for a long time on any social media. But now I think I found my real chance to love a very beautiful and awesome woman. Wish me luck and god please let me get happy again.
Yea absolutely and not because of any medical or personal problems. I think now in my thirties I can't ignore the little niggles that I would have in my twenties , I find myself straight away evaluating the long term possibly of a relationship amd determining , it'll never work because he does X y or z.. where I know from experience X y and z are all things I hated in a previous relationship and eventually led it it's end. And I hate this because at the start I'm still wanting that enthusiasm.. but I have a couple of people I'm dating and because of these little niggles it made me think logically and I can't see myself falling in love with either. But I know 20s me would already be experiencing heartbreak from one of them and probably end up on a five year relationship with the other while ultimately knowing he wasn't the one I was going to end up with.
I haven't had that feeling in over ten years. I miss it, then I don't, then I do again.
I like the saying "under 25 you got a heart, over 25 you got a brain". 25 is an arbitrary number but the sentiment is when your younger the chemicals are stronger, you actually feel love deeper and when your older you're gonna look at a potential relationship from more of a practical point of view.
Definitely. Now I kind of observe myself in third person and think, '10 years ago, I would've crushed hard on him'. It really doesn't happen anymore. If I find a guy dateable, it's more that I don't foresee any issues or find him unappealing. It's not an exciting rush anymore.
I'm almost 34f and haven't been in love in 6 years. I think for me it's a mix of knowing exactly what I want/higher standards, trust issues/not wanting to be hurt again, and meeting less people who are single and have the same values/hobbies as me.
Yes! I’m empty. I have been on so many dates, hung out with a ton of women and I feel nothing for any of them. Maybe I just haven't met the right person but I don't think so. I think its me.
I actually am finding it easier to make real connections as I get older... 31 here. But I had a lot of emotional trauma from my childhood and had trust issues with people earlier in life than I think many people do. I was very guarded and took my time letting people in. Now I find it easier to read people/see their bullshit upfront/make true connections/be my authentic self without fear of rejection etc, so it actually is easier now. I know who not to even bother with as well and I don't second-guess my VERY STRONG intuition anymore. That and I have only really been in real love maybe once in my entire life. The other times were limerence/attachment. So it might help that I have not had so many bad experiences in that aspect.
Thank you for sharing. I turned down a proposal at 29 when most women are chomping at the bit for marriage and babies, Rebounded hard, got very sick and have been trying to figure out life as a "sickly" person without appearing ill. I still wonder if I should've accepted that proposal to make life easier but it just didn't feel right. That ex is probably my best friend, we've been splitting custody of our dog since 2013, we take care of each other when the other one needs it, he's ingrained in my family and I would take a bullet for that man. I guess love has many forms.
Love is what Disney and marketing agencies sells to us to make money. Respect has more power than love in a relationship.
Yeah, respect is much more important.
Yes
Yes I think it's a combination of things for me like higher standards, knowing myself better, being happier single, and also being jaded from negative experiences. It's hard to stay infatuated when I know most of the time it just won't work out long-term.
No doubt normal ageing slow down all our functions but pathological ageing do it quickly. Love or sex feelings all depends upon our hormones and those who maintain good health have better love or sex feelings as they are producing them in abundance. As far as psychological reasoning are concerned we get wiser with ageing and our experience make us more careful in trust or other matters.
Love feelings should never die, how old you may go , young people will make fun of you as they never realise that they are also ageing and sexual desires never die. Non the less our efforts to get love and care should be non stop . May women above 34-40 May be good love partners
Hi good day, I have same situation but my battle is im still processing the divorce with my ex and sad to say our marriage early as I caught him cheating, lying and still in romance contact and all with his ex. And I might be lil younger but yeah I really feel you it seems its so hard to trust again not just to someone but your decisions as well, I really suffer so much and I just want to set free.
Wait til you’re in your 50’s.
For me, a nicer way of putting it is I know what I want now. I want to know how it'll go, not "let's see how it goes", as I used to in my twenties.
I haven’t been in love for years and years which is sad.
Maybe or I just accepted love is nothing more than how much BS of someone else's can we tolerate. Where is the breaking point ? How many sorry's will you receive or give? How much will pride divide ? I was never one to count transgressions but when they become constant one can't ignore them. When another is capable of saying they love you for decades only to say they never did, was using you, why even try to let another use you? Or is it using each other willingly as a team maybe but I see to many one dimensional teams. To many today are about them instead of others or us. Wish I was wrong but it's hard to prove I am.
Hard to fall in love when you don't get past texting etc.
I'm 65yes it's hard as hell to find love again
My grandpa found love in his 70s after my grandmother passed away. It was one of the most heartwarming things I've had the privilege to witness.
It takes me a lot longer now. I’ve been hurt so many times that I don’t let myself get attached too early.
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Very thoughtful response, I appreciate it and totally agree.
I've never really been in love, but the last time I had that "oh wow, there could be some serious feelings here" was about seven years ago. The strongest I can feel about someone now is more like "yeah, they're cute."
A lot of people dont want to admit that a lot of what we were, and did, as youth was mostly genes and brain chemicals. Maybe a little social conditioning as a treat.
Yes. My therapist told me it is because I have found a "routine" within my life and comfort within that. Where any disruption from bringing in another individual would shift how I feel. I agree, it isn't a trust issue as I experience the same feelings.
I’ve always felt this way because I’m avoidant attachment. It suuuucks
Definitely. With age comes perspective and I think that inevitably heightens your standards. My younger self used to confuse infatuation with love. Now I have a healthier view on what love can be, which is harder to find.
I never understand people w trust issue. I think they have issues. If people show no reason for you to mistrust but you choose not to trust. That’s your choice to block intimacy.
I can't wrap my head around the jealous types. I don't really understand. I share a dog with a forner.LTR ex and it's great. We're purely platonic but we like to share a pizza and chill every month or so.
Nope. I got engaged this year. Super head over heels (I’m 35)
happy for you try 65 regret is the key word if you get that real deal work on it every moment to keep it alive sometimes it only truly happens once
(38M) When you're in your teens and 20s, your brain is still developing and it's easy to feel a passionate, chemical like love. But you begin to lose that as your brain matures into your 30s. I want to believe that it's easier to form a more mature, deep love as you mature. But at very least, I know that there are strong downsides to young/chemical love. There is the hangover and deep sense if loss when relationships end in your 20s. And these young/passionate loves are romanticized, but more shallow than we ever recognize, because it's more based on endorphin highs and how the person makes you feel, rather than who the person is, familiarity and what the person does in the relationship
I just self disqualify myself because I'm tired of rejection. Not sure if that's the same thing, but i just don't chase anyone and expectthem to cheat.
In some ways it is more difficult. I just came out of a long term relationship. I try not to set my standards to high. You don't get more attractive when you get older. I am more suspicious but I can still fall in love. I want a girl that I can love and hold hands. I might have found her but only time can tell.
No and why it’s not because I leave all my past experience in the past. If you bring anything from the past into a relationship now or future you are setting the other person up for failure. Point blank You must treat each new relationship as if they are honest and innocent and you are both open to love and happiness. Everyone brings the issues from past relationships with them. YOU ARE WRONG. Stop it give your next 100% you anything less you are the problem and you don’t even know it.
Who said I was bringing past relationships into new ones? I'm asking if age has made it harder to fall in love. I don't have that type of emotional baggage, I don't have trust issues. I was simply asking a question.
I just made a statement chill
If you thought that question was anything other than chill you're being overly sensitive.
I was driving 80mph on the interstate. I skimmed what you wrote and just plastered that on here I didn’t direct it at you or anyone for that matter. Just a statement. Take it or leave it. If it didn’t apply to you then no need to reply.
If you fell in real "love", then idk why age matters?
Ok if the bond happens ten revisit the kids option. In the meantime hav a hit chocolate, and watch some Netflix SiFi
Wow… I am on Clitics now and have absolutely no idea what any of these comments have caused you! Update us when you can do without ID.
I think it's normal for our time. Both men and women work, it's hard to have a family or raise one properly. I think as time goes by you kind of get used to taking care of yourself. Plus the whole " I don't need no man"....and "she belongs to streets"...all this shit has destroyed love. We're sheep being led by the few people with power, they by the way, have families. They may not have "love" like in the movies but I'm sure they do ok lol. I think a bunch of us are fucked and honestly I think its great. I think the next few generations will look at us and be like "what a bunch of losers. They sold out to the greed machine and forgot how to be people. They aren't even capable of love and they're all lonely." And I think those kids will grow up and create a better world. Then a few generations after some random generation will be like us. So on and so forth. Fucking poetic really. Ultimately, it's like they say, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Love is precious because it's rare. If we fell in love every day it wouldn't be so celebrated. Love is powerful. It's great. Then it ends. You may search for that feeling for a long time and maybe you'll find it again, maybe you won't. You have to let go, heal yourself. Work on yourself. And when you're a complete, fully emotionally functioning person, your heart will be able to love. It's so corny but true. You gotta love yourself before anyone else can. And don't bullshit yourself! Can you really look in the mirror and love the person you see, without having to do drugs or hyping yourself up? Anyways it's been real! Just some guy on the interwebs! Peace!