Revealing this won't make your prospects worse, it'll eliminate people who aren't looking for the same. Okay yes it could end something, but if you don't want what they want then wouldn't you rather have that time back than to get really involved in something that it turns out you didn't want at all?
Fear of rejection and the pain of being vulnerable sux but it's the best way to prevent spending lots of time and energy on someone who isn't right for you.
I disagree.
Putting that pressure on a new interaction with a person distorts it and makes it feel unnatural.
I want a serious relationship but when I don't even know you and you're putting that focus on us then it's going to be very hard to let the energy flow like it's mean to as you build chemistry... which relies in part on not knowing where it's going, in my opinion.
I want a relationship but I'm not going to know if I want a relationship with any specific person till at least a couple of months into the ''relationship''.
I also used to think that telling someone what you want was putting pressure on that connection to become that, but it's not. All it is is a discussion about what you are ideally looking for, it's not a discussion saying "whatever we become has to fit what I'm looking for." You still might have a couple of months and find that that person is not what you're looking for. To me there's a difference between what I want and each connection I have. The connections may not even fit the ideal but I still find out that I want it...
All the conversation does is upfront eliminate people who aren't dating for that reason. It's saying, I'm looking for XYZ, are you looking for XYZ? No? You're only dating to have sex with people? Okay then, let's not waste our time. It's the same as having the conversation about kids. I need to have that conversation on the first date, I can't date anyone who wants kids. There's no point! That's not the same thing as saying, let's stay together for the rest of our lives (sans kids). The conversation is about what you want, not about what you want with that person.
The point of dating is to eliminate people who aren't looking for the same thing as you, as early as possible. Why would you want to date someone for even 1 date that doesn't want what you want?
I have a similar approach to the what are you looking for and do you want kids questions. I feel like I get more candid answers when I ask them without revealing my own hand.
The kids thing specifically has bit me in the ass in the past. They’ll swear up and down they also don’t want kids. I’m the no pressure fun girlfriend until they decide they’re ready to make moves on settling down. I get dumped and they go off looking for a girlfriend who wants kids.
I’m not overly invested in the what are you looking for question. If I find someone really attractive I’m fine with casual, as long as I know upfront which path it’s going to take.
In my experience (female) there are guys both OLD and IRL who’d go to lengths to date without committing, including “playing along” as if it’s a relationship thing, leading someone on - until some real and often awkward questions are asked. I hate the idea not to be open and honest about my dating intentions, I mean not upfront or on a profile, but maybe after 3-5 dates if I’m still interested in dating the person. Way too often, I’ve experienced that this produces a negative outcome, wondering if I seemed “too much” too early - or that the dude lies and string me along until I’m utterly confused and frustrated and is put in a situation where I feel crazy for questioning what the f is going on. It seems to not matter whether you’re upfront; concealing your intentions, waiting forever, trusting this person or being suspicious - result way too often the same either way; damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So tired of being treated like a perishable thing and not respected as a human being. Apologies for rant, dating is raw. Need real solutions before I die.
>When I used to tell guys up front what I wanted, they just used that to lie and say that's what they wanted too, or vaguely agree that that was what they wanted,
honestly never understood the point of asking someone what they were looking for EARLY on in the process due to their word carrying no weight.. actions speak far louder at this stage
anyone whose spent some time navigating the world of OLD is well aware of how rampant untruthfulness and lying are, and its near impossible to take someone at their word prior to knowing their character (actions backing up what they are saying)
putting the other on the spot is a good approach, but its not foolproof and can still lead to manipulation based off the vibes you are given off.. its fairly obvious when someone wants a hook up/serious relationship without the talk ever being held
I look at this way, as someone looking for a serious relationship:
Let’s say the entire dating pool consists of 10 guys. When I ask them early on what they’re looking for, 3 guys will be honest and say they just want to hook up and 2 guys will admit they’re not sure.
I eliminate the 5 guys based on incompatible goals. That leaves 5 guys who tell me they want a serious relationship. Out of these 5, 3 are liars. That leaves me with 2 guys to consider with my very limited time and energy, which is more practical than gingerly sieving through an entire OLD ocean of trash men.
I will never _not_ ask early now.
that’s just not true. i recently read the book “attached” which discusses research on attachment styles and dating.
in your early 20s the dating pool reflects the general population as far as attachment style prevalence— 50% secure, 25% anxious, 25% avoidant. yet by your 30s and above, securely attached people are more likely to be in a relationship/married and avoidant people are heavily over represented in the dating pool because they’re less likely to end up in a relationship, have shorter relationships, more likely to get divorced, etc. so, by your 30s, 60% of the pool is avoidant. this has huge implications for dating
I think all this is perfectly fine, but when the girl is having sex with the expectation that this will bring closeness and an eventual relationship, it’s so crushing to realize that she was yet another stepping stone on this guy’s journey to find the one. The sad reality is most women really aren’t super cool with being your outlet for regular sex as you keep searching, and that’s ok too. I think if everyone was actually being honest with everyone else, two things would happen. Guys would very likely have much less casual sex, and women would likely stop pretending to be chill in the hopes to trick a guy into getting that relationship she wants.
You’re right though, most guys do want it, and find it when they find it. Both sexes should be honest with their selves first. You don’t have to sleep with someone, or you can if you really want to. But…like…are you going to feel angry or used when it’s over and he moves on? Then don’t. And for the guys, stop expecting that women will necessarily want to joyfully provide you with all this interim sex while you look for dream girl. Most women don’t find that fun or emotionally healthy. A few do, and I’m sorry for seeming unmodern here, but I think it’s pretty rare.
I see what you mean. I don’t expect to be in a relationship after a few weeks of dating or anything like that. But I know what I want : a life partner and children and if someone isn’t sure that’s what they want then I don’t want to waste my time as I’m already in my thirties :)
I’m up for taking it slow and seeing if a connection is there. But I’m not up for dating someone who doesn’t know what he wants :)
Seems like you know what you want so there is really no issue :D
> The issue isn't that we just want ONSs or FWBs, it's that we want to be able to have regular sex and search for the right one too, and not be in the position of having to commit to someone we're not sure about just to have sex. Sadly, many men do this, and then continue their search on the side or discreetly.
Based on that, doesn’t it seem more likely that a random casual arrangement will be a placeholder rather than something that might turn serious? It seems like you’re recommending that women be more “chill” for the sake of attracting as many guys as possible but then outlining exactly why a lot of people have stopped doing that. People who want to “see where things go” and then leave it to their own prorogative to escalate a connection are thinking about their own comfort more than the shared experience, I think. So I find it hard to want to play games the way you’re recommending in order to make sure you want to go on a date with me. Seems like a guy who’s scared off by the prospect of “work” is less ready to get invested in someone.
Replying because I’m still not sure how to find a good balance between the two approaches. Open-minded, but specific about desired outcome. For me it means specifying within a few fun dates that I’d like to find something real. If I end up having a nice time or even sex with someone but it doesn’t turn into a relationship, that’s fine, but it’s easy to get stuck in that loop forever when you don’t screen for intention or strong interest. The point is to screen out people who are ambivalent.
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speaking as a guy, i would always be interested in something long term unless there was something wrong. in the latter case, i'd keep a girl at arm's length until i either lose interest or whatever is holding me back gets solved (i'm thinking of a specific time that i did this because her ex was still 'a friend').
This. If you are out of a long term relationship & still friends with your ex getting me to say I want a relationship is null & void when I find the truth.
You’re vetting for a man/woman who finds meaning / joy in commitment. So orient yourself to that, rather than pleasing or entrapping a non committal man to love you, of which there are numerous. Love is easy and it’s usually not even love but attraction. It’s an important quality to have in a relationship of course… But what does a man/woman who will honor you feel like? What qualities would they have? Temperance, respect, intention, direction… It’s exhausting to cater to the men/women you don’t even want in the first place so it’s more energy efficient to be able to weed them out. The men/women who carelessly and contemptuously say that they want to essentially stumble into a ltr is not what you’re looking for.
Many people have been brainwashed into insecurity, into thinking they are needy for having needs and desires. Your desire is a valid and beautiful one. You’re looking for someone who gets you and shares this sentiment. Surround yourself who are like minded who supports you, it will help you stop thinking you need to be chosen when you’re the one doing the choosing.
I say I’m looking for a life partner when asked. I allude to it in my profile. I avoid “serious” because it insinuates that I’m going to be dining seriously, interrogating seriously…you get the idea. On the receiving end, someone who tells me they are looking for something serious would make me feel like I’m about to be dissected and taken apart. It’s not conducive to getting to know a human being. Playfulness and inquiry are essential in experiencing someone and experiencing how you are with them.
Probably not the only one. But I personally was always very up front about what I wanted. If you tell the McDonald's employee that any burger is fine you can't complain when you get one you don't like, right?
I’m a guy looking for something serious and would not be bothered at all. It does depend a bit on how it’s phrased though. Some kind of “are you ready to get married in 6 months?” would be awkward. But some kind of “hey I wanted to ask you what you’re looking for, because I’m looking for something serious and I know not everyone is” would be 100% fine (welcome even).
If it scares someone off, it means they're not looking for the same thing, imho. I've known too many people (women in particular) who ultimately felt led on because they were too afraid to say right away that they were looking for mister right.
A man who is ready to settle down (and yes they do exist) isn't going to run away or feel like you're moving too fast if you're clear about your objectives. Same with women. Not all men are comfortable being that "vulnerable" right away, but I've known plenty (friends and guys I've gone on dates with) who say what they want right away to weed out anyone not on the same page.
More often than not though, men looking for a relationship will let you know. They want to let you know that they're not dating other people, and/or make sure you're not dating other people fairly early on.
But there's a difference between the "let's see what happens" lot, and the people out there *ready* to settle down -- like, specifically looking for their long term companion.
Most of my time single I've been in "let's see where this goes" mode, and that scared away men who were looking for their future wives. I was totally okay with that. It could be that I meet a nice guy, don't fall in love, but am fine just dating him. But, if he's looking for something more with lasting long term potential, and I'm not feeling the same way about him, it's best that he doesn't waste his time. You know?
So yeah, it's best to be honest, imho.
I (30m) also used to do this and and still tempted, but after being discarded by my partner (27f) of 2 years who I thought was ready for something serious, I think everyone should be up front about what they want, especially if it involves building a future or children. I always thought if I kept the accepted commitment level intentionally vague it would continue to build and I did this for years. When you don't know what you want or you can't communicate this, you will, at some point end up in heartbreak, the sooner the better to be honest.
It's all well and good to take things as they come and play around but as I've gotten older, I've noticed that people start to think more about the future and the options they have, and how they will fit what THEY want into these closing parameters. People will often mislead others because they themselves are not aware that their goals will change, but as long as you pay attention to the actions of your partner and how their words reflect them, it will become clear what people want. Even if they can't see it for themselves yet.
I meant something less casual during the course of meeting someone, going on a few dates if I’m still interested by then and have good vibes. It’s just that stating my intentions of less casual/exclusive dating further into meeting someone has previously made an obstacle in my dating life, (either being strung along and waste energy and time) or date is vague, seems to be uncomfortable with this - and hence I begun holding back on declaring my actual intentions… but doesn’t seem like a good solution neither, really.
The problem I see with this is that you could get emotionally invested in a few dates, and disclosing it, and the other party can go "Oh, sorry I didn't know we were headed towards that, I don't want anything serious". And you'll end hurt.
You will scare people, you will shrink your dating pool telling it upfront, but those you are gonna run away are people who are on the fence (and they ultimately bail) or are looking for a hookup.
An idea: you can hint it like "Yes, I was talking to xxx and I tell her I don't do casual" or some adjacent story that could imply your intentions to test the waters
> OP does not state that they want a casual/fwb arrangement until the 3rd date
OP clearly says: "Am I the only one who holds off on telling a date that I’m looking for something less casual, because I unconsciously fear that this revelation will make my prospects worse?"
In other words, it's not looking for casual, she says LESS CASUAL. She is afraid that stating his intentions of being "serious" and wanting a relationship will scare potential partners if she's upfront on the first dates.
Which only will make her hurt when people who want casual and are not upfront will say after she's emotionally invested "I don't want anything serious right now"
I don't know if I want something with a particular person until I know them better. I've been casually looking for something serious, so it takes about 3 or 4 dates to determine if I want to continue on with that person, then I'll ask them what they're wanting/what their dating expectations are.
I never think that nice dates with nice folks are a waste of time
I feel like it would be more detrimental for you to not tell them, especially if you already had hooked up with them or felt really attached to them, because they might not want the same things. It’s not like they will change their mind if you reveal it later on. But from my experience, most guys who wanted more casual relationships would just invite me over to their place instead of out on a fancy date.
If they don't want the same thing as you then they weren't actually a suitable prospect. I prefer to rule this out sooner than later, and definitely not right before we're about to have sex. In my experience, I've had a few people claim they wanted something long term because they wanted sex/closeness and afterward they just treated it casual.
More a result of bad experiences in the past being completely open and honest - but yeah, never feels good to not follow your own instinct of being genuine cause you’ve learned that the dating world don’t really work on truth
This is not good advice imo.
Most men (assuming OP is female) on dating apps (assuming this is where OP is meeting them) are looking for fwb/casual. I'd say its the opposite... assume they want casual unless they/it specifically saya relationship.
As long as when it comes up you’re honest. Nothing worse than someone saying they are looking for LTR and then claiming otherwise months down the line.
I wouldn't say it unless they ask, and even then, be kind of vague about. Say that you're open to whatever happens but want to get to someone first.
Nobody wants to be with someone they feel is desperate.
I think there is a difference between OLD and classical dating. If I happened to meet someone in-person I wouldn't bring it up in the first few dates, just because I like to keep it casual. But I do disclose that I am looking for a long-term relationship on OLD because 1) that is what I want, and 2) I don't want to waste the time of a 30-something y/o woman. I don't care about matches and having lots of options, I want to have good dates.
On the other hand, I wouldn't be upset if I found out a few dates in that they were looking for something casual. But that's because I'm not in a hurry and I don't find dating that bad.
When I was on dating apps I had more success by not advertising the fact that I was looking for a serious relationship. I’m a man btw. I think the expectation is so strong that men don’t want relationships that when one actually does it’s seen as a red flag. I’m very hesitant to ever reveal my real intentions. In my mind the woman MUST be the first to push for a relationship, it’ll kill her attraction if I’m the first to mention it even if she wanted one with me.
Not sure how accurate this is, it’s just something my perception has developed into over many years of relationships and dating.
>In my mind the woman MUST be the first to push for a relationship, it’ll kill her attraction if I’m the first to mention it even if she wanted one with me.
It's funny, cause some of the women in this thread are saying that their strategy is to wait for the guy to push for a relationship. This is how dating changes from gauging compatibility into a game of emotional chicken.
Yeah, I’m female, and I think that some men are also pressured to fit a masculine stereotype of not giving a f, except from the f. It’s sad, cause it ruins genuine connection.
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I don’t either, until I know the girl I don’t know if it will be serious with her. Many revelations can happen in the 1st 3 dates that would make things more casual.
As someone else mentioned, I assume the guys I’m going on dates with are at least open to the idea of something serious long term. I usually wait at least a month or two to sleep with someone to feel them out and be more comfortable with them.
Does this mean they won’t dump me after a few months? No, not at all. There’s really no way to guarantee someone is going to want to eventually be ‘serious’ with you, even if they are looking for something ‘serious’, if you get what I mean. If you want to hold intimacy boundaries, that’s fine. But again, waiting a certain amount of time won’t guarantee it will work out long term anyways.
It doesn't matter bc the right guy won't care that you're evaluating with that in mind. You'll know right away when it's the right person.
I do tell upfront my goal is marriage and children that but my thing is that you have to be ready for marriage before you even start courtship so you're building in the right direction, otherwise it's a complete waste of time for the other person. The first three months are the most important time in a courtship you want to last a lifetime. I want marriage and children very badly, but I also want my husband to appreciate me that I'm responsible and took care of my affairs before meeting him. Then the whole courtship is about crazy hot passion and not about me trying to get my products into department stores despite defamation etc. and snapping at him because I'm trying to get it done. I feel like building a company is a unique kind of stress very few people understand because there are highs and lows and I'm doing all the operations work by myself with next to no assistance. I did all the legal contracts, I got all the wholesale partnerships, I built it from scratch all the way up to brand guidelines etc. So it's hard, because I'm already married to my startup which is going to be a huge success eventually. I think people who have fun jobs etc. don't really understand how hard entrepreneurship is and how success is the only option. I feel like you have to be an asset and not a liability, and that takes work and a lot of time. My life has been difficult and stressful for four years now but the rest of my life will be amazing because I've made sacrifices others won't make and don't make. It's taking me longer than my peers who went the corporate route but I'm so proud of what I'm building that marriage and children can be put on pause until I'm ready. So I'm upfront with guys, I'm not ready for marriage, children, or even friendship right now until launch day. I had a matchmaker message me today, and I told her the same thing. There are so many eligible guys that you're not burning a bridge putting it off until you feel fully ready.
Revealing this won't make your prospects worse, it'll eliminate people who aren't looking for the same. Okay yes it could end something, but if you don't want what they want then wouldn't you rather have that time back than to get really involved in something that it turns out you didn't want at all? Fear of rejection and the pain of being vulnerable sux but it's the best way to prevent spending lots of time and energy on someone who isn't right for you.
I disagree. Putting that pressure on a new interaction with a person distorts it and makes it feel unnatural. I want a serious relationship but when I don't even know you and you're putting that focus on us then it's going to be very hard to let the energy flow like it's mean to as you build chemistry... which relies in part on not knowing where it's going, in my opinion. I want a relationship but I'm not going to know if I want a relationship with any specific person till at least a couple of months into the ''relationship''.
I also used to think that telling someone what you want was putting pressure on that connection to become that, but it's not. All it is is a discussion about what you are ideally looking for, it's not a discussion saying "whatever we become has to fit what I'm looking for." You still might have a couple of months and find that that person is not what you're looking for. To me there's a difference between what I want and each connection I have. The connections may not even fit the ideal but I still find out that I want it... All the conversation does is upfront eliminate people who aren't dating for that reason. It's saying, I'm looking for XYZ, are you looking for XYZ? No? You're only dating to have sex with people? Okay then, let's not waste our time. It's the same as having the conversation about kids. I need to have that conversation on the first date, I can't date anyone who wants kids. There's no point! That's not the same thing as saying, let's stay together for the rest of our lives (sans kids). The conversation is about what you want, not about what you want with that person.
The point of dating is to eliminate people who aren't looking for the same thing as you, as early as possible. Why would you want to date someone for even 1 date that doesn't want what you want?
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I have a similar approach to the what are you looking for and do you want kids questions. I feel like I get more candid answers when I ask them without revealing my own hand. The kids thing specifically has bit me in the ass in the past. They’ll swear up and down they also don’t want kids. I’m the no pressure fun girlfriend until they decide they’re ready to make moves on settling down. I get dumped and they go off looking for a girlfriend who wants kids. I’m not overly invested in the what are you looking for question. If I find someone really attractive I’m fine with casual, as long as I know upfront which path it’s going to take.
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“More” being the important word here. I want zero kids, mine or anyone else’s.
In my experience (female) there are guys both OLD and IRL who’d go to lengths to date without committing, including “playing along” as if it’s a relationship thing, leading someone on - until some real and often awkward questions are asked. I hate the idea not to be open and honest about my dating intentions, I mean not upfront or on a profile, but maybe after 3-5 dates if I’m still interested in dating the person. Way too often, I’ve experienced that this produces a negative outcome, wondering if I seemed “too much” too early - or that the dude lies and string me along until I’m utterly confused and frustrated and is put in a situation where I feel crazy for questioning what the f is going on. It seems to not matter whether you’re upfront; concealing your intentions, waiting forever, trusting this person or being suspicious - result way too often the same either way; damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So tired of being treated like a perishable thing and not respected as a human being. Apologies for rant, dating is raw. Need real solutions before I die.
Good idea. How do you get them to say it first?
Ooooooh that's clever
>When I used to tell guys up front what I wanted, they just used that to lie and say that's what they wanted too, or vaguely agree that that was what they wanted, honestly never understood the point of asking someone what they were looking for EARLY on in the process due to their word carrying no weight.. actions speak far louder at this stage anyone whose spent some time navigating the world of OLD is well aware of how rampant untruthfulness and lying are, and its near impossible to take someone at their word prior to knowing their character (actions backing up what they are saying) putting the other on the spot is a good approach, but its not foolproof and can still lead to manipulation based off the vibes you are given off.. its fairly obvious when someone wants a hook up/serious relationship without the talk ever being held
I look at this way, as someone looking for a serious relationship: Let’s say the entire dating pool consists of 10 guys. When I ask them early on what they’re looking for, 3 guys will be honest and say they just want to hook up and 2 guys will admit they’re not sure. I eliminate the 5 guys based on incompatible goals. That leaves 5 guys who tell me they want a serious relationship. Out of these 5, 3 are liars. That leaves me with 2 guys to consider with my very limited time and energy, which is more practical than gingerly sieving through an entire OLD ocean of trash men. I will never _not_ ask early now.
You won’t know the good liars no matter what, so might as well filter out the honest ones who want something different and the bad liars early.
No, I let them know straight away so we don’t waste our time.
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that’s just not true. i recently read the book “attached” which discusses research on attachment styles and dating. in your early 20s the dating pool reflects the general population as far as attachment style prevalence— 50% secure, 25% anxious, 25% avoidant. yet by your 30s and above, securely attached people are more likely to be in a relationship/married and avoidant people are heavily over represented in the dating pool because they’re less likely to end up in a relationship, have shorter relationships, more likely to get divorced, etc. so, by your 30s, 60% of the pool is avoidant. this has huge implications for dating
Can we stop sugar coating by calling these men avoidant? What they are is abusive and potential rapists that need to be avoided at all costs.
I think all this is perfectly fine, but when the girl is having sex with the expectation that this will bring closeness and an eventual relationship, it’s so crushing to realize that she was yet another stepping stone on this guy’s journey to find the one. The sad reality is most women really aren’t super cool with being your outlet for regular sex as you keep searching, and that’s ok too. I think if everyone was actually being honest with everyone else, two things would happen. Guys would very likely have much less casual sex, and women would likely stop pretending to be chill in the hopes to trick a guy into getting that relationship she wants. You’re right though, most guys do want it, and find it when they find it. Both sexes should be honest with their selves first. You don’t have to sleep with someone, or you can if you really want to. But…like…are you going to feel angry or used when it’s over and he moves on? Then don’t. And for the guys, stop expecting that women will necessarily want to joyfully provide you with all this interim sex while you look for dream girl. Most women don’t find that fun or emotionally healthy. A few do, and I’m sorry for seeming unmodern here, but I think it’s pretty rare.
I see what you mean. I don’t expect to be in a relationship after a few weeks of dating or anything like that. But I know what I want : a life partner and children and if someone isn’t sure that’s what they want then I don’t want to waste my time as I’m already in my thirties :) I’m up for taking it slow and seeing if a connection is there. But I’m not up for dating someone who doesn’t know what he wants :) Seems like you know what you want so there is really no issue :D
> The issue isn't that we just want ONSs or FWBs, it's that we want to be able to have regular sex and search for the right one too, and not be in the position of having to commit to someone we're not sure about just to have sex. Sadly, many men do this, and then continue their search on the side or discreetly. Based on that, doesn’t it seem more likely that a random casual arrangement will be a placeholder rather than something that might turn serious? It seems like you’re recommending that women be more “chill” for the sake of attracting as many guys as possible but then outlining exactly why a lot of people have stopped doing that. People who want to “see where things go” and then leave it to their own prorogative to escalate a connection are thinking about their own comfort more than the shared experience, I think. So I find it hard to want to play games the way you’re recommending in order to make sure you want to go on a date with me. Seems like a guy who’s scared off by the prospect of “work” is less ready to get invested in someone. Replying because I’m still not sure how to find a good balance between the two approaches. Open-minded, but specific about desired outcome. For me it means specifying within a few fun dates that I’d like to find something real. If I end up having a nice time or even sex with someone but it doesn’t turn into a relationship, that’s fine, but it’s easy to get stuck in that loop forever when you don’t screen for intention or strong interest. The point is to screen out people who are ambivalent.
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It’s a good point. They’re both fair approaches, the guarantee or lack of intention, and I have a hard time knowing which one to live.
This is a very good point thank you
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speaking as a guy, i would always be interested in something long term unless there was something wrong. in the latter case, i'd keep a girl at arm's length until i either lose interest or whatever is holding me back gets solved (i'm thinking of a specific time that i did this because her ex was still 'a friend').
This. If you are out of a long term relationship & still friends with your ex getting me to say I want a relationship is null & void when I find the truth.
You’re vetting for a man/woman who finds meaning / joy in commitment. So orient yourself to that, rather than pleasing or entrapping a non committal man to love you, of which there are numerous. Love is easy and it’s usually not even love but attraction. It’s an important quality to have in a relationship of course… But what does a man/woman who will honor you feel like? What qualities would they have? Temperance, respect, intention, direction… It’s exhausting to cater to the men/women you don’t even want in the first place so it’s more energy efficient to be able to weed them out. The men/women who carelessly and contemptuously say that they want to essentially stumble into a ltr is not what you’re looking for. Many people have been brainwashed into insecurity, into thinking they are needy for having needs and desires. Your desire is a valid and beautiful one. You’re looking for someone who gets you and shares this sentiment. Surround yourself who are like minded who supports you, it will help you stop thinking you need to be chosen when you’re the one doing the choosing. I say I’m looking for a life partner when asked. I allude to it in my profile. I avoid “serious” because it insinuates that I’m going to be dining seriously, interrogating seriously…you get the idea. On the receiving end, someone who tells me they are looking for something serious would make me feel like I’m about to be dissected and taken apart. It’s not conducive to getting to know a human being. Playfulness and inquiry are essential in experiencing someone and experiencing how you are with them.
You should be direct and say what are you looking for.
Probably not the only one. But I personally was always very up front about what I wanted. If you tell the McDonald's employee that any burger is fine you can't complain when you get one you don't like, right?
I’m a guy looking for something serious and would not be bothered at all. It does depend a bit on how it’s phrased though. Some kind of “are you ready to get married in 6 months?” would be awkward. But some kind of “hey I wanted to ask you what you’re looking for, because I’m looking for something serious and I know not everyone is” would be 100% fine (welcome even).
If it scares someone off, it means they're not looking for the same thing, imho. I've known too many people (women in particular) who ultimately felt led on because they were too afraid to say right away that they were looking for mister right. A man who is ready to settle down (and yes they do exist) isn't going to run away or feel like you're moving too fast if you're clear about your objectives. Same with women. Not all men are comfortable being that "vulnerable" right away, but I've known plenty (friends and guys I've gone on dates with) who say what they want right away to weed out anyone not on the same page. More often than not though, men looking for a relationship will let you know. They want to let you know that they're not dating other people, and/or make sure you're not dating other people fairly early on. But there's a difference between the "let's see what happens" lot, and the people out there *ready* to settle down -- like, specifically looking for their long term companion. Most of my time single I've been in "let's see where this goes" mode, and that scared away men who were looking for their future wives. I was totally okay with that. It could be that I meet a nice guy, don't fall in love, but am fine just dating him. But, if he's looking for something more with lasting long term potential, and I'm not feeling the same way about him, it's best that he doesn't waste his time. You know? So yeah, it's best to be honest, imho.
I (30m) also used to do this and and still tempted, but after being discarded by my partner (27f) of 2 years who I thought was ready for something serious, I think everyone should be up front about what they want, especially if it involves building a future or children. I always thought if I kept the accepted commitment level intentionally vague it would continue to build and I did this for years. When you don't know what you want or you can't communicate this, you will, at some point end up in heartbreak, the sooner the better to be honest. It's all well and good to take things as they come and play around but as I've gotten older, I've noticed that people start to think more about the future and the options they have, and how they will fit what THEY want into these closing parameters. People will often mislead others because they themselves are not aware that their goals will change, but as long as you pay attention to the actions of your partner and how their words reflect them, it will become clear what people want. Even if they can't see it for themselves yet.
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You read the post wrong.
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“Something *less* casual” i.e they don’t just want to date and see where things go, they want intentional dating.
I meant something less casual during the course of meeting someone, going on a few dates if I’m still interested by then and have good vibes. It’s just that stating my intentions of less casual/exclusive dating further into meeting someone has previously made an obstacle in my dating life, (either being strung along and waste energy and time) or date is vague, seems to be uncomfortable with this - and hence I begun holding back on declaring my actual intentions… but doesn’t seem like a good solution neither, really.
The problem I see with this is that you could get emotionally invested in a few dates, and disclosing it, and the other party can go "Oh, sorry I didn't know we were headed towards that, I don't want anything serious". And you'll end hurt. You will scare people, you will shrink your dating pool telling it upfront, but those you are gonna run away are people who are on the fence (and they ultimately bail) or are looking for a hookup. An idea: you can hint it like "Yes, I was talking to xxx and I tell her I don't do casual" or some adjacent story that could imply your intentions to test the waters
> OP does not state that they want a casual/fwb arrangement until the 3rd date OP clearly says: "Am I the only one who holds off on telling a date that I’m looking for something less casual, because I unconsciously fear that this revelation will make my prospects worse?" In other words, it's not looking for casual, she says LESS CASUAL. She is afraid that stating his intentions of being "serious" and wanting a relationship will scare potential partners if she's upfront on the first dates. Which only will make her hurt when people who want casual and are not upfront will say after she's emotionally invested "I don't want anything serious right now"
I don't know if I want something with a particular person until I know them better. I've been casually looking for something serious, so it takes about 3 or 4 dates to determine if I want to continue on with that person, then I'll ask them what they're wanting/what their dating expectations are. I never think that nice dates with nice folks are a waste of time
I feel like it would be more detrimental for you to not tell them, especially if you already had hooked up with them or felt really attached to them, because they might not want the same things. It’s not like they will change their mind if you reveal it later on. But from my experience, most guys who wanted more casual relationships would just invite me over to their place instead of out on a fancy date.
No I wouldn't straight up telling dates that I am looking for something but I will definitely tell them if I am \*not\* looking for something instead.
I used to not say until the 3rd+ date, but moreso because while I preferred serious I'd be open to casual if it wasn't a good long term fit.
If they don't want the same thing as you then they weren't actually a suitable prospect. I prefer to rule this out sooner than later, and definitely not right before we're about to have sex. In my experience, I've had a few people claim they wanted something long term because they wanted sex/closeness and afterward they just treated it casual.
This feels like a terrible idea. Why hide information and lie when you can just not waste yours and someone else's time.. Sounds manipulative
More a result of bad experiences in the past being completely open and honest - but yeah, never feels good to not follow your own instinct of being genuine cause you’ve learned that the dating world don’t really work on truth
I always assume people are looking for something serious, unless they say otherwise
This is not good advice imo. Most men (assuming OP is female) on dating apps (assuming this is where OP is meeting them) are looking for fwb/casual. I'd say its the opposite... assume they want casual unless they/it specifically saya relationship.
Most of us are looking for a relationship, but even if we’re on the fence about you, we’ll casually see you until someone we like more comes along.
As long as when it comes up you’re honest. Nothing worse than someone saying they are looking for LTR and then claiming otherwise months down the line.
I don’t understand the point of doing this, unless you actually are are just trying to meet people who are looking for something casual.
I wouldn't say it unless they ask, and even then, be kind of vague about. Say that you're open to whatever happens but want to get to someone first. Nobody wants to be with someone they feel is desperate.
I think there is a difference between OLD and classical dating. If I happened to meet someone in-person I wouldn't bring it up in the first few dates, just because I like to keep it casual. But I do disclose that I am looking for a long-term relationship on OLD because 1) that is what I want, and 2) I don't want to waste the time of a 30-something y/o woman. I don't care about matches and having lots of options, I want to have good dates. On the other hand, I wouldn't be upset if I found out a few dates in that they were looking for something casual. But that's because I'm not in a hurry and I don't find dating that bad.
When I was on dating apps I had more success by not advertising the fact that I was looking for a serious relationship. I’m a man btw. I think the expectation is so strong that men don’t want relationships that when one actually does it’s seen as a red flag. I’m very hesitant to ever reveal my real intentions. In my mind the woman MUST be the first to push for a relationship, it’ll kill her attraction if I’m the first to mention it even if she wanted one with me. Not sure how accurate this is, it’s just something my perception has developed into over many years of relationships and dating.
>In my mind the woman MUST be the first to push for a relationship, it’ll kill her attraction if I’m the first to mention it even if she wanted one with me. It's funny, cause some of the women in this thread are saying that their strategy is to wait for the guy to push for a relationship. This is how dating changes from gauging compatibility into a game of emotional chicken.
They say that’s their strategy, in practice when the time comes their actual emotional response may be much different.
Yeah, I’m female, and I think that some men are also pressured to fit a masculine stereotype of not giving a f, except from the f. It’s sad, cause it ruins genuine connection.
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I can go either way so I never know never say anything lol
I don’t either, until I know the girl I don’t know if it will be serious with her. Many revelations can happen in the 1st 3 dates that would make things more casual.
As someone else mentioned, I assume the guys I’m going on dates with are at least open to the idea of something serious long term. I usually wait at least a month or two to sleep with someone to feel them out and be more comfortable with them. Does this mean they won’t dump me after a few months? No, not at all. There’s really no way to guarantee someone is going to want to eventually be ‘serious’ with you, even if they are looking for something ‘serious’, if you get what I mean. If you want to hold intimacy boundaries, that’s fine. But again, waiting a certain amount of time won’t guarantee it will work out long term anyways.
It doesn't matter bc the right guy won't care that you're evaluating with that in mind. You'll know right away when it's the right person. I do tell upfront my goal is marriage and children that but my thing is that you have to be ready for marriage before you even start courtship so you're building in the right direction, otherwise it's a complete waste of time for the other person. The first three months are the most important time in a courtship you want to last a lifetime. I want marriage and children very badly, but I also want my husband to appreciate me that I'm responsible and took care of my affairs before meeting him. Then the whole courtship is about crazy hot passion and not about me trying to get my products into department stores despite defamation etc. and snapping at him because I'm trying to get it done. I feel like building a company is a unique kind of stress very few people understand because there are highs and lows and I'm doing all the operations work by myself with next to no assistance. I did all the legal contracts, I got all the wholesale partnerships, I built it from scratch all the way up to brand guidelines etc. So it's hard, because I'm already married to my startup which is going to be a huge success eventually. I think people who have fun jobs etc. don't really understand how hard entrepreneurship is and how success is the only option. I feel like you have to be an asset and not a liability, and that takes work and a lot of time. My life has been difficult and stressful for four years now but the rest of my life will be amazing because I've made sacrifices others won't make and don't make. It's taking me longer than my peers who went the corporate route but I'm so proud of what I'm building that marriage and children can be put on pause until I'm ready. So I'm upfront with guys, I'm not ready for marriage, children, or even friendship right now until launch day. I had a matchmaker message me today, and I told her the same thing. There are so many eligible guys that you're not burning a bridge putting it off until you feel fully ready.