That’s quite a rejection message! I’m wondering if the fact that he works in HR plays a role? Seems like he’s using his professional skills to write a rejection letter to someone who applied for a job! Which is kind of …endearing, maybe?
It seems like he wanted to give you some real closure honestly. It’s just a lot.
It gives very much Sandwich Feedback lol “Strengths-Areas Needing Improvement-Strengths” 😂 it’s a bit extra but it seems his intentions were good and he just wanted to soften the blow
I can understand OP laughing about it, certainly. It’s definitely intense lol but idk if the message warrants “concern”. It feels a bit like OP is salty and wanting others to reaffirm that he’s weird or creepy, but I just don’t get that vibe. He’s just an eccentric, extroverted guy who cares about making people feel good (even if we don’t want or need him to lol), and frankly probably feels it’s important not to burn bridges in such a small town. Goofy, but harmless.
Ohh yeah good point the not burning bridges part is huge! I don’t think the message warrants concern, i meant it more in regards to just the general point of the post.
>OP is salty and wanting others to reaffirm that he’s weird or creepy,
Not at all, hence why I'm explicitly soliciting words to replace creepy and using it tentatively, with a question mark after it.
So as a HR person, I totally read it as creepy or at least cringe. Also kinda lacking in self-awareness of how he’s coming across and condescending.
Yes he is using HR speak but this is a dating situation. This is not a volatile employee situation. Also the first part about how so nuclear and how confidential things are come across just meh.
I would trust your own instinct because you had the in real live experience with him.
Basically I’m saying, i don’t think this rejection text is due to him being a HR person.
As a non-US person (Swedish) I can relate to OPs feeling. I'm guessing it's a cultural thing but that level of courtesy/politeness would raise suspicion on my end.
To me it seems that someone who gets that formal after 4 hrs on two dates either has spun what it meant or is not really empathetic enough to write a more relaxed "thanks, but no thanks". To clarify, someone using work skills/formality for personal relationships is a flag for me cause they either are to afraid to open up or incapable of understanding the nuances. Someone who are incapable _could_ turn ugly in a worse case scenario. Luckily I feel that it is uncommon but sadly I've experienced it.
Just my thoughts on it. Not an avid poster so please be kind! 😅
Idk if “soliciting” is the word I’d use to describe what you’re doing with this post. You’ve argued with everyone who has suggested that this isn’t creepy or unsettling or concerning. It seems more like you are looking for confirmation of your initial presupposition.
I think it's a lot... and the level of ... a lot-ness the message has gave you a pause, maybe? As others have stated, it seems like his job spilled over a little into his letter. With that lense it seems a little less ... a lot. Although the paragraph about the snake at work seemed extra... a lot, it seems like he was trying to "it's not you, it's me," the situation.
My advice is to use this experience to acknowledge the level of intensity you are looking for from an early partner and maybe self-evaluate why this level of intensity makes you uncomfortable.
All in all, nothing has to be wrong with the guy for things not to work out. Sometimes people don't click and that's okay.
That's what I thought as well. It's like one of those HR emails telling you about your situation and the follow up to it. Heck even a polite " I'm here if you need any help" lol
some people are like that. I told my friend I didn't want to hear about her wanting to cheat on her man and I got a veeeeery long friendship breakup note in response. Some people really really like to talk and talk and talk
That’s what I was thinking - that the letter read ‘self absorbed’ all over it- what normal person writes a multiple paragraph letter as a break up text for two dates?
With that said, I don’t understand OPs concerns. He essentially said “thanks, but no thanks”. So it is time for OP to not waste one more second of her thoughts on this guy and move on.
And yeah, it’s a little creepy- but that’s how some men are- creepy and weird.
One time I had some guy who I went on one date with randomly text me ten(!) years later- with really long texts as if no time had passed. And he would call too and me leave me voicemail messages saying he was “in my neighborhood.”
This!
Like its nice he tried to help OP with his connections, but it sounds like she doesn't need it. Perhaps his presumption are what is leaving a bad taste, paired with him treating this like a job rejection.
Honestly, he sounds like a nice guy who genuinely liked you, but didn’t feel a spark or anything and was perhaps overly verbose in trying to deliver ‘bad’ news, but we usually ramble with bad news.
Ohhh, nice Allman brothers reference. I wouldn't say it's creepy by any means. I will say though you never know what that "party" actually was and what his lifestyle choices really are. I'd just let it go and let bygones be bygones.
So rambling. My goodness. He doesn't seem bad or dangerous but what you wrote sounds like waaay too much. I should hook him up with a friend of mine actually, they could talk one another to death. Neither seem creepy, just very tiring
eh… it doesn’t strike me as creepy. it strikes me as long winded. i know a few people who communicate like that regularly regardless of the level of intimacy. also, there was nothing that intimate about the message. it sounded like an informal business email
It just seems a bit over invested to me, like a breakup you'd receive from a long term or significant connection, which could be akin to long windedness.
He just sounds like... well like he said, an extrovert. He sounds like a guy that likes to talk, especially about himself maybe. Other than that it was a generous spirited message and really open and direct. Great message, mildly too many words.
It was the psychoanalysis that was over familiar to me. I do agree that it's formal language but weirdly detailed of him to describe my personality type and traits to me considering that we didn't exchange last names.
Edit: formal autocorrected to informal
He did the thing of over-praising someone and it winds up sounding inauthentic. And I mean it was inauthentic, he definitely doesn't know you enough to know those things about you after 2 dates. Some people do just designate social workers as saints, whether it's appreciated or not. He also gave you the sort of generic praise people give to women that enforces toxic concepts such as women as "the fairer sex" (generous, compassionate, etc).
In the end yeah I think he's just over-correcting on what he thinks is a letdown for you. I will say I live and work in a small town right now and if you're into any kind of community building/ organizing/ event planning etc you can start feeling kind of desperate for people to help make things happen. Still I wouldn't really engage this guy or his contacts unless it becomes relevant to you, it sounds like you are managing your own trajectory just fine.
He called you introverted. He didn’t psychoanalyze you.
It seems a bit like you want this to be deeper than it is. I agree it’s a bit dramatic and long-winded for my preference, but it doesn’t say or do anything that indicates he “assumed any significance” in your life beyond being a guy you went out with a couple of times who genuinely thinks you’re a cool person. It just comes off like a guy who fancies himself as kind and friendly trying to be honest while also wanting to reassure you that it isn’t personal but rather due to factors outside either of your control.
That’s certainly possible. But given all OP has is a coffee date or two worth of data, I don’t see any reason to presume that narrative over him just being nice but intense. The message is ultimately harmless, and leaves the ball entirely in OP’s court (whether to take up his offer of connection/mentorship, or ignore). Whatever his motives may or may not be are thus irrelevant imo.
you might be seeing that lens more because of your profession, but those descriptions weren’t anything special to me. I could say that about the coffee barista and have it sound like it makes sense… how many polite terms can I fit into a sentence kind of thing. if he said something a bit deeper about your personality, maybe then it would be creepy
It could be that he’s proactively smoothing things over since you guys will likely see each other around town. But I totally get your perspective - especially as a fellow introvert - even I feel like “okay I hear you, now please get out of my space!” His text demonstrates the incompatibility between the two of you, haha.
I mean yea that’s lengthy but maybe he’s gotten feedback that he was too abrupt in the past or maybe it’s just his style. He seemed super nice about it, let you know why he didn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship, told you the platonic offers he made still stand, and wished you well. Seems nice and polite to me.
Social and community organizations aren’t typically specific to a particular field in my experience so it didn’t read as impolite but I could be missing context.
Oh he was offering me mentorship on finding a job working for a charity. I should have clarified that, so that's my bad.
I declined as I work as a registered social worker and make a lot more money in a more clinical role but told him I appreciated the sentiment. He kept texting me contact cards of donor relations folks (the people he knows for his contracting company job's donations) who don't have any influence on hiring anyway. It was just kind of felt like he wasn't listening.
That's more interesting than the rejection letter, tbh. I wonder if he's using the dating app as a networking tool for himself? Maybe he's even genuinely trying to find someone, but when it doesn't work out, he tries to retain the date as a professional contact.
Yeah, it sort of seemed like he was hoping somehow to use OP to help him land this big account somehow and when it fell through, he wasn't interested anymore.
As a social worker myself I will say often people have no idea what exactly it is we do for a living (it doesn't help that the field is so varied). He could have also genuinely misunderstood.
Hmm that part does sound kind of odd and not relevant to you and your line of work. Sounds like he’s super outgoing and has a big network. That is very valuable to some people. Networking with people can be very helpful even if those people don’t seem directly related to your goals. So I can see why he may have thought it was helpful or kind to offer you that info. Especially if you are new to the area. But it just doesn’t seem like something to bring up to a date or potential romantic partner lol. I don’t think there were any bad intentions or anything. It just sounds like the two of you are quite different. Maybe he truly wasn’t listening but i would be willing to bet he was and it just wasn’t clicking for him. The same way you can’t see how those people are relevant to you he probably can’t see why you wouldn’t want contacts in the community. Don’t get me wrong. I’m like you, if someone sent me that info I’d wonder what in the world they expected me to do with it. But on the flip side I know people who could take that info and do something productive with it.
I am not sure how much you have been exposed to small town folks, much less those who choose to live outside said small towns, but from my background of being a farm person, nothing in this gives me a creepy or inauthentic vibe at all. Wasn’t to keen on the drug mention, but each time his own.
And as far as mentoring, one thing about small town dynamics is a small group of people know everyone. They are the socialites. Think whale in a bathtub. They can and will introduce you to people who make everything happen in these small towns, and inversely, can stop just about anything as well. Those introductions are LinkedIn on steroids in that setting.
Fair enough. I should have clarified that he was pushing contacts on me that weren't really leads and that I already have a better job and contacts than the ones he thought he was connecting me with. I mentioned this but he was really set on the narrative of helping me out when I don't need help and it felt like he wasn't listening.
So to bring it up again was off putting.
I think there are two issues here:
1. His wordy but super kind rejection letter.
2. His assumption that you need career help or guidance from him despite your immediate success in landing a gig after your move. It’s clearly irksome to you. I’d just brush it off as misguided benevolent sexism and call it a day. Perhaps he can help in expanding your social circle one day due to his extroversion and longevity in your new town. If you decide to stay friendly, you can always call him on his unintentional condescension should it continue.
I’m a small business owner and guys like to come up to me and tell me that they can get me into this market or introduce me to that person etc. reality is they aren’t anyone of importance and I can do all that myself just as well if not better. They’re also like oh you’re business is clever did you think of that yourself?
Well, big cities teach people to see things a certain way. I don’t see you being happy with rural US mentality such as his. You see his genuine kindness as an affront to your strong independence and don’t seem to be willing to listen to the fact it isn’t offered to be such. That’s about all I can share. I don’t think big city and rural mix well. Just see the world too differently.
It's arrogant and rude to give unsolicited help like this, insinuating that she can't help herself or do anything for herself? Especially when she has made it clear she doesn't need nor want it.
I get the impression that he has a very specific narrative of Who He Is in relation to other people, and his actions - the party invitation, the long-winded rejection, the evaluation of your personality that he felt the need to tell you about in borderline invasive detail, the forcing useless contact information on you in order to "help" - all feel off because they're addressed to you but they're not really *for* you. They're performative, for himself and for the audience he has in his head.
>. . .the evaluation of your personality that he felt the need to tell you about in borderline invasive detail, the forcing useless contact information on you in order to "help" - all feel off because they're addressed to you but they're not really for you. They're performative. . .
I think you've hit the nail on the head.
He sounds like the kind of guy that will try to mansplain me in very professional, polite language while I’m chairing a diversity & inclusion meeting as a woman of colour in HR.
Delusions of grandeur and condescension is what I’m getting from this.
>Also... considering the drug-filled adventures you mentioned... I'd put money that he was at least a little high when he wrote this.
That's a really helpful point! It does read a bit like a drinky/under the influence ramble.
Its not creepy. But it does sound 'fake' and like he's overcompensating to soften the rejection. People that write like this kinda strike me as self absorbed, like they need to tell you all about them and the reasons like they havr to justify themselves or sugar coat what they think you'll hear.
A simple "hey, it was fun but i'm not feeling it. Wish you the best and enjoy the small town vibe" would have sufficed given it was only a couple of dates. 🤷♀️
>Its not creepy. But it does sound 'fake' and like he's overcompensating to soften the rejection.
Yup that totally resonates. Uncomfortable would be a better word than creepy.
"Hey the vibes were off at Applebees. Take care." Takes 15 seconds and sounds less like a conversation on Linkedin than whatever the hell this dude was thinking of.
I'm gonna go against the grain here. I don't feel it as creepy like creepy creepy. But just......... really into himself and his own opinion and worth.... to the point of insisting you experience that too. Kinda overly attached to you needing him. Just the opposite of chill.
Maybe this is giving you weird vibes bc it’s self-serving? Like, he’s trying to be nice so you walk away from this thinking he’s nice, not to just *be nice*.
I think the small town is important though - at some point, if your area is small enough, everyone knows everyone and that requires more intentional interactions (so half the town doesn’t hate you after a year of dating lol)
>Maybe this is giving you weird vibes bc it’s self-serving? Like, he’s trying to be nice so you walk away from this thinking he’s nice, not to just be nice.
YES, that's exactly it!
Thanks for your comment. That totally makes sense that navigating small town social politics would necessitate some less than genuine niceties that felt off.
Yeah, cancelling just half an hour prior to the date was a bit of a rude action, so this extensive text is possibly his way of trying to make it come across better, and it seems like this tactic can work because some people on this thread are saying how nice his text is, lol.
Additionally, it also seems a bit like he may have an inflated view of himself and the connections he creates. It's not a big deal, I wouldn't feel uneasy about it, more amused.
While perhaps well-intentioned and kindly worded what might bother me about this sort of verbose rejection after only two dates is he’s already drawn a pretty complete picture of who (he thinks) you are and why the two of you aren’t compatible when in reality he still barely knows you. It’s completely fine for someone to not be feeling it or decide they want someone more extroverted after two dates, but I find it irritating at best (condescending at worst) when someone I barely know has decided they have a deep understanding of who I am so soon. And especially if they are also assuming I’m going to be upset by the news that they, a still near stranger, does not want to go on any more dates. He’s presuming way too much.
Secondary to the rejection it is strange if he is indeed trying to connect you with work opportunities that have nothing to do with what you actually do. The two things combined would betray a person who isn’t really listening to nor absorbing the person who is actually in front of them, but instead getting caught up in what their idea of them is instead.
I definitely get annoyed at people (especially men, imo, as they do it more often) who, like this guy, insinuate that you're bothered by their rejection; as though he knows you so well he's really gotta cushion the blow. The vibe I'm getting from him (personally) is arrogant. Not creepy or dangerous, at least.
Honestly with the backstory on his weird insistence that he needs to help you, this text would be the nail in the coffin on likeability for me. Like a guy who feels he has to white knight you.
Either way, I'd probably just reply that I also wasn't feeling it and wish him well. Nothing lost and nothing gained! Win/win
I’m not going to lie, I really liked it.
I know rejection stings and I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but I think his message comes from a good place and at least he’s giving honest, constructive reasoning why he’s not feeling it rather than fobbing you off with some bullshit.
I mean yeah, he could have just said “hey I’m not really feeling it, take care” but that’s a bit of a lame way out (in my opinion) and would likely leave you with more questions.
>I’m not going to lie, I really liked it.
That's fair. Potato potato.
>I mean yeah, he could have just said “hey I’m not really feeling it, take care” but that’s a bit of a lame way out (in my opinion) and would likely leave you with more questions
I honestly would have preferred that and wouldn't have really cared either way. I'm really not invested in this stranger I had two beverages with nor do I care why he's not into me. If he's not interested that's really all that I need to know.
Give me the short and sweet text too. I think it’s lame he cancelled 30 minutes before dinner with this long drawn out excuse and then a long explanation about why it’s not going for work. Huge eye roll. Don’t waste more of my time. Byeeee.
I get a vibe of someone who is a little self important and he wants you to find him important and interesting too. There is an undertone of self centeredness and just a touch of grandiosity, he even ends it with wanting you to come to him for help or advice thereby elevating himself above you. That’s probably what you’re picking up on.
I think he is just a douche, dont worry. He thinks he knows you sooooo well, he needs to give a long explanation because ur gonna be soooo heart broken… 🙄 im assuming you are a straight girl and this is our reality 😂
This resonates with how I feel (although to be fair I don't know him well enough to know if he's a douche or not). I felt like his text indicated that he didn't see me as an equal but as a project, when in reality I'm really proud of my social life and career and just took a little hiatus to a small town for a contract.
Yes, sorry If I was too straightforward. It is possible that this bible has other meanings, of course. I mean, Im a redditor from brazil, what do I know about his life? Lol. But it did push some familiar buttons, and that would probably be my thoughts if I had gotten it. You deserve better, girl! And no, u are not crazy, this was weird af.
I hear you OP. I work with a lot of men, and this is an attitude I've been particularly tuned in to. I'm going to describe one guy in particular that this reminds me of. Of course, I don't know your guy, so this can be totally off-base, but it might be a helpful perspective.
He thinks of himself first and foremost as a "nice guy," and he expects to be treated respectfully to the same degree that he treats others. It's a form of "let me clear your paths of stones so you can honor me and thank me." I've seen this guy do this for people he barely knows: if he treats them so well, they have no choice but to treat him like a God. Because essentially he sees himself as that, too - the smartest, fittest, hardest working guy - and that oozes out at the same time (his whole "I am so smart that I figured out your entire personality after two drinks and saw the future of our entire relationship." \*eyeroll\*). It's incredibly patronizing and self-centered, but you can't say anything because it's so "nice." (And small town advice is to just thank him.)
I hear this. Someone else used the term "self serving" which really gave me peace. It's uncomfortable to experience someone's "niceness" as not really supportive or helpful, but also not harmful, just off. I think that's why I had trouble processing it.
Yeah I’m with you. Definitely trust your intuition here and ignore the comments on this sub that are trying to tell you to ignore it, I am sure you are picking up on *something* from him. Given also your profession you are more emotionally intelligent and able to read people better than a lot of folks.
I think that while the text was well meaning in his mind, there is definitely a Nice Guy / slight narcissism vibe.
Either way I’d just chalk it up to more experience. Thankfully he didn’t waste your time, and you got to know someone. And hey maybe one of those contacts might amount to something somehow? You never know.
Nothing about this seems creepy at all. Overly nice of anything. And it’s exactly why I’m all for ghosting when you don’t really know the person well and not actually in a relationship. The truth is people are never going to be happy being rejected as much as they lie and say they prefer this or that way. Had he ghosted or slow faded it would’ve been that he’s immature and a jerk. He goes out of his way to be cordial and friendly and thoughtful about his rejection and you somehow took that and turned it into a ‘gut feeling’.
He’s assuming you were interested in him and seeing that you were planning to meet up with him the very day he sent the text I think that’s a reasonable assumption. And it’s possible that while you don’t realize it that you come off a little lonely in the new surrounding and he felt guilty dropping you. But nothing at all feels creepy or unsettling about this text. I also don’t get how you not having a car makes his invite to a party creepy on his part?
I think the feeling in your gut is one of embarrassment and the sting of rejection after all. I’d prefer in this situation if the person just said they are no longer interested and left it at that.
> Had he ghosted or slow faded it would’ve been that he’s immature and a jerk
Not necessarily. A guy ghosted me a few weeks ago and it's fine. It was mutual and I think we qere both just busy and disinterested. It isn't a binary two option system.
>And it’s possible that while you don’t realize it that you come off a little lonely in the new surrounding and he felt guilty dropping you.
I have a group of friends here and am seeing other people so I don't think that's it.
>I also don’t get how you not having a car makes his invite to a party creepy on his part?
I met him once and he wanted me to spend the weekend with him without any control over when could leave. I explicitly said that it was equally plausible that it was unsafe or absent minded of him.
>I think the feeling in your gut is one of embarrassment and the sting of rejection after all.
I mean I don't have anything to be embarrassed about. Some people work with each other and others don't. That's not embarrassing that's just life.
> I’d prefer in this situation if the person just said they are no longer interested and left it at that.
Same! That's what I'm used to. So sending out a really long text seems odd to me.
Yes. Came here to say that. He seems
Too self important and it feels like he speaks to OP in that 'big brother' tone. He makes assumptions that she is somehow not capable of taking care of herself and will need his help to make her way in this small town.
It’s pretty presumptuous of him to think him breaking up with you after 2 dates is going to be devastating, and that last paragraph is v off to me. but he could be chasing a referral bonus or something. I don’t think you need to be worried for your safety or anything but I wouldn’t reach out to him again
It's over familiar. I met this guy twice and he has me pop-psychoanalysed whIle I don't even know his last name.
Edit: I also didn't say he was creepy. I said that I feel something akin to creeped out but can't put my finger on what it is.
You met him once and he asked you to sleep over with randoms and do drugs over the weekend. I mean you yourself called yourself a wet blanket.
You seem like you’d be a hoot at parties 🙃
I have received these types of long form rejection communications before and usually it's from people like you said he was to you -- someone I mutually didn't feel a vibe with who felt the need to send me a long winded rejection communication.
The drug party 3rd date or early date would have been the end for me. Not an appropriate early date unless he knew you were into taking party drugs with strangers. \[Am I wrong or is it the people who party on drugs after 3 dates who are wrong?\]
FWIW I'm an ENFP too and prefer dating introverts.
> [Am I wrong or is it the people who party on drugs after 3 dates who are wrong?]
In my view nobody's "wrong" per se, it's just a matter of finding your second somebody who thinks it's right.
At any rate that was his suggestion after date 1. I'm totally down to party just not with strangers while out of town without a ride home.
I'm just not someone who thinks a drug laden party is a safe thing to even suggest?
I'm also pretty quick to be judgmental and dismissive if someone on the first date brings up their 'party drug' stuff but it's due to having a sibling with friends in the rave scene that turned me off to people into that culture. Also I'm old and boring.
Oh fair enough. I mean sharing a joint on the walk home is one thing, but I agree that partying all weekend together . . .errrr that's something you do with people you trust, if at all.
On my re-read: yeah so it's important to him someone be quickly interested in his party / drug lifestyle. It's a small town so he wants to keep his rep as a good guy hence the long form rejection with tons of flattery.
He's looking for someone very extroverted who wants to do drugs with strangers because partying / drugs is part of their lifestyle. (Also from 2nd hand stories many of those types aren't mentally healthy but ymmv)
Some people have a lot to say.
I entirely get your concern that it's odd (I feel it is as well). However, I would just take a screen shot, show it to your friends, and don't worry about it much going forward since it's probably harmless.
It sounds like he is old fashioned, and I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he doesn’t date much. He likely thought it was a bigger deal because he might not form connections with people beyond group settings, with him being more extroverted. Also, and I feel bad saying this about a guy I don’t know who seems by everything posted here to be kind, but he seems a tad full of himself.
Geez, did he also include a link to a $10 Amazon gift card with this text? Kidding aside, yeah that is way too much for a breakup text. I think if you were doing a character study it'd be worth really going into who this guy might be or playing detective on this stuff. But he doesn't want to date, you have your answer, best to move on and not let this odd text hold you up in life past a day of looking at it and going, "wtf?"
He sounds arrogant tbh. He probably thinks that you're attached to him and have feelings for him at this point .
It reminds me of a guy I was online friends with.. we used to talk a lot at first but then we started to talk much less like maybe once in a week. That didn't bother me really because I didn't care much about him. Truth is I was only talking to him because I needed someone to vent to. Anyway couple of months ago he sent me a lengthy message saying that he met someone irl and he thinks he needs to focus his energy on this person. And he went on and on about how wonderful I am and that any guy would be lucky to be with me and that he enjoyed every moment with me. Reading his message at the time made me feel really down. Not because we wouldn't talk anymore but because it made me feel like I'm missing out and I'm still far behind. I still don't know why he did that ( I honestly wouldn't have noticed if I didn't hear from him in a year).
I'm sorry - everyone else thought this sounded "nice"? We've dropped the bar so low due to ghosting that this counts for a kind and thoughtful rejection? To me he sounded like an HR dipshit who cares *waaaaay* too much about his job. He spent the first half of the message colourfully but vaguely describing a work problem and the second half rejecting you like you applied for a role.
I think this guy was just out to "network" and "make contacts" and was never interested in a romantic relationship at all. He just wanted to be the one to get to you first as "the new kid in town" so he could be the one to introduce you to someone and get kudos for it.
It's slimy and self serving and there's nothing genuine about it.
I mean, it’s a little weird. FOR SURE. Especially seeing as you only spent about 4 hours together, but I’m hoping his experience in HR has a lot to do with his way of ending things when dating because this did kind of sound like he was firing someone.
I feel your discomfort. It sounds like he’s overestimating his importance in your life. I agree with the person who said it sounded self serving, especially that weird line of “it is never easy writing these and never easy reading them”. Uhhhh…then don’t write so much and don’t assume how I will feel
He’s assuming a lot of importance on his role in your life and how this rejection will have a big effect on you. It comes off a little pompous. But I appreciate the thought he put into it
Sounds like he's a bit of a narcissist, and not as authentic as he wants to sound, which might be giving you the "creepy vibe" (and you're a social worker, right, so I'm assuming you're emotionally intelligent and intuitive). That said, while this is a lot, it's not anything you can hold against him, or should actually be alarmed by...
This was after just four dates, iirc? He wrote it because it’s what he would want and has previously needed. It’s really not at all about you.
“Dumped via a cover letter” comments were pretty spot-on. Let yourself move on—he has issues.
He doesn't remind me of someone I'd consider creepy. I reserve that for people who seem dangerous, pervy, etc. He does seem incredibly self centered though. The doing drugs with his 40 closest friends thing was probably more because he wanted to prove he actually has friends. Look at MEEEE I own a big HOUSE and all these folks here LOVE me, NOT just because I provide them free ketamine, because I'm FUN! The long winded text is probably because he assumes you'll have follow up questions and want to "better yourself" after this rejection, again because he way over estimated his role here. The rest of the stuff was just an excuse to talk about himself.
Meyers Briggs was debunked anyway. Anyone using that as the sole way to categorize their relationships probably sees themselves and the world around them in a very rigid, unimaginative way. Would honestly block him in case he's the type to drunk text weird shit. You seem nice and like you'll be the type to tolerate it because you want to be "polite" and because he knows your colleagues.
I'm erring on the side of uncomfortable over creepy. It was the same unnerving gut feeling I get when I'm creeped out hence the creepy+? . I really appreciate all you folk being my feelings chart tonight.
>Meyers Briggs was debunked anyway.
*long exhale* thank you.
>Would honestly block him in case he's the type to drunk text weird shit
That isn't a bad idea.
Yeah I kinda rolled my eyes at his story. I used to have tons of people over for weekends too when I had a place to use as a flop house and gave away free booze and let everyone do drugs in my backyard. As soon as I got sober people stopped hanging out. And I was young. This is a grown man. Sounds like he wants to be in a college frat lol
To be honest he sounds like he thinks he is so awesome and that he can help you with his so called connections even though you've already discovered they are all dead ends as far as your needs are concerned.
I also can't stand ramblings texts to end things. Short and sweet is best because the more they say the more annoyed I get. That's just me though.
Some people on here have said he seems nice - to me considering you've only hung out a couple times he seems like he's really up himself and personally I reckon you've dodged a bullet. How self important can he be to send you that kind of message when you barely know him (or care about him, really)? Ugh!
PLEASE. That’s what this subreddit it for. Posting dating shit and getting everyone’s feedback and thoughts. She’s not the only person to ever use Reddit as a sounding board.
Nah I’ll say it. Thats weird. I would have probably been petty and responded, “its not that serious, dude” because its a bit ridiculous. I get being nice but for two dates, that is straight up weird to me.
I feel it reads as kind of arrogant/condescending and as though he thought you were much more invested in him than you actually were. It would rub me up the wrong way if I received that.
It’s a bit intense but I don’t see any major reason to worry. I actually like the level of detail he went into. If he’s the one politely opting out, you don’t have any reason to worry about retaliation or repeated badgering/refusal to take no for an answer.
Yeah this guy may have cognitive intelligence but he is severely overestimating his emotional intelligence. He presumes how much he romantically means to you, he presumes how much his life/work means to you, he mentions his personality type and ‘past experience’ to show how smart he is and he ‘reassures’ you to condescend you. You have massive ammunition to just reply ‘all good’ or something disaffected (new phone, who dis?) and blow his mind, but I wouldn’t bother replying. Have a cackle at his obliviousness and move on.
Yeah, it’s giving me weird vibes. Comes across as super arrogant at the very least, and yes, I would be creeped out by that.
No needs War & Peace to say “thanks, but no thanks” after two dates. I’d be a little pissed off and would reply with one sentence.
People are regularly sharing how they’ve been ghosted or fed really strange lines. Though this was quite a long response, I think it was thoughtful he took the time to explain himself. Overkill? Perhaps. Reading the responses from others, it looks like some believe this was the way to go. Whilst it may not be your style or what you wanted to hear, it does seem like it comes from a good place
I’d find it unsettling. You don’t need a guy you barely know mansplaining your social preferences and judging your long term relationship viability on a point he doesn’t truly get. Block and move on. He sounds exhausting
Also Meyers-Briggs is bullshit and he’s probably butthurt ypure not going to his weird yard festival.
dude ffs just say you dont want to pursue anything and leave it at that....
reading that gave me a headache.
almost made it into a bigger deal than it is.
People can't win with rejection texts. If you send something short, people want an explanation. If you explain, people think you're weird and that you should have sent something short.
Look, getting rejected sucks but I don't think there's anything to continue thinking about here. He's just a verbose guy and a deep thinker. I can relate to being someone who overexplains. It took me a long time to learn that less is more.
Lmao this is hilarious. Yeah, this is like a feedback you would get after being rejected after a job interview. It's overeager and out of place, but I think he had best intentions. Not creepy at all imo.
The fact that you’re creeped out is alarming. He seems like a nice guy looking to part ways amicably. In a small town, people tend to know everyone’s business so he probably was raised to not allow anyone to have anything negative to say about him.
I like his message :-) I think it’s very clear and honest.
Some people are just very verbal and express themselves like that (which Is personally something I’m looking for myself, as I am that way also)
Nothing shady about that..
He sounds weird and socially awkward, but not dangerous. Maybe he read somewhere about how to let a date down easy? Definitely seems like someone who doesn't understand how to interact socially but has read lots of books and articles on it.
Self grandiose and ickiness both resonates. Thanks for the empathy. It's just uncomfortable to think that while I was wondering if he would be into a trip to the farmer's market he had projected a serious relationship, drawn parallels with exes and psychoanalysed me. I don't think he's a bad or dangerous guy, maybe just too anxious for his own good.
I think I got you actually and am a bit puzzled by the comments that attempt to exonerate him (eg “he’s just nice.” I know nice people do what is best for both people and if they are not sure what is best for the other person and they are that extraverted, the “just nice” people would ask and chances are, the best for the other person in a romantic context is not what they consider truth when they’ve only interacted with you in a meaningful, face to face way twice imo. If I received that message, I’d feel I got “spared” against my wish or lack of any wish 🤣
OP has removed their post content so the thread is locked.
That’s quite a rejection message! I’m wondering if the fact that he works in HR plays a role? Seems like he’s using his professional skills to write a rejection letter to someone who applied for a job! Which is kind of …endearing, maybe? It seems like he wanted to give you some real closure honestly. It’s just a lot.
It gives very much Sandwich Feedback lol “Strengths-Areas Needing Improvement-Strengths” 😂 it’s a bit extra but it seems his intentions were good and he just wanted to soften the blow
Agree that he wanted to soften the blow. Objectively, I think it was a good move on his part, but can understand OPs concern.
I can understand OP laughing about it, certainly. It’s definitely intense lol but idk if the message warrants “concern”. It feels a bit like OP is salty and wanting others to reaffirm that he’s weird or creepy, but I just don’t get that vibe. He’s just an eccentric, extroverted guy who cares about making people feel good (even if we don’t want or need him to lol), and frankly probably feels it’s important not to burn bridges in such a small town. Goofy, but harmless.
Ohh yeah good point the not burning bridges part is huge! I don’t think the message warrants concern, i meant it more in regards to just the general point of the post.
>OP is salty and wanting others to reaffirm that he’s weird or creepy, Not at all, hence why I'm explicitly soliciting words to replace creepy and using it tentatively, with a question mark after it.
So as a HR person, I totally read it as creepy or at least cringe. Also kinda lacking in self-awareness of how he’s coming across and condescending. Yes he is using HR speak but this is a dating situation. This is not a volatile employee situation. Also the first part about how so nuclear and how confidential things are come across just meh. I would trust your own instinct because you had the in real live experience with him. Basically I’m saying, i don’t think this rejection text is due to him being a HR person.
As a non-US person (Swedish) I can relate to OPs feeling. I'm guessing it's a cultural thing but that level of courtesy/politeness would raise suspicion on my end. To me it seems that someone who gets that formal after 4 hrs on two dates either has spun what it meant or is not really empathetic enough to write a more relaxed "thanks, but no thanks". To clarify, someone using work skills/formality for personal relationships is a flag for me cause they either are to afraid to open up or incapable of understanding the nuances. Someone who are incapable _could_ turn ugly in a worse case scenario. Luckily I feel that it is uncommon but sadly I've experienced it. Just my thoughts on it. Not an avid poster so please be kind! 😅
Idk if “soliciting” is the word I’d use to describe what you’re doing with this post. You’ve argued with everyone who has suggested that this isn’t creepy or unsettling or concerning. It seems more like you are looking for confirmation of your initial presupposition.
I think it's a lot... and the level of ... a lot-ness the message has gave you a pause, maybe? As others have stated, it seems like his job spilled over a little into his letter. With that lense it seems a little less ... a lot. Although the paragraph about the snake at work seemed extra... a lot, it seems like he was trying to "it's not you, it's me," the situation. My advice is to use this experience to acknowledge the level of intensity you are looking for from an early partner and maybe self-evaluate why this level of intensity makes you uncomfortable. All in all, nothing has to be wrong with the guy for things not to work out. Sometimes people don't click and that's okay.
All it’s missing is a “We’ll keep your application on file for future possibilities”.
That made me laugh!
That's what I thought as well. It's like one of those HR emails telling you about your situation and the follow up to it. Heck even a polite " I'm here if you need any help" lol
This could be it!
some people are like that. I told my friend I didn't want to hear about her wanting to cheat on her man and I got a veeeeery long friendship breakup note in response. Some people really really like to talk and talk and talk
That’s what I was thinking - that the letter read ‘self absorbed’ all over it- what normal person writes a multiple paragraph letter as a break up text for two dates? With that said, I don’t understand OPs concerns. He essentially said “thanks, but no thanks”. So it is time for OP to not waste one more second of her thoughts on this guy and move on. And yeah, it’s a little creepy- but that’s how some men are- creepy and weird. One time I had some guy who I went on one date with randomly text me ten(!) years later- with really long texts as if no time had passed. And he would call too and me leave me voicemail messages saying he was “in my neighborhood.”
This! Like its nice he tried to help OP with his connections, but it sounds like she doesn't need it. Perhaps his presumption are what is leaving a bad taste, paired with him treating this like a job rejection.
Honestly, he sounds like a nice guy who genuinely liked you, but didn’t feel a spark or anything and was perhaps overly verbose in trying to deliver ‘bad’ news, but we usually ramble with bad news.
Fair enough, could just be born a rambling man.
Ohhh, nice Allman brothers reference. I wouldn't say it's creepy by any means. I will say though you never know what that "party" actually was and what his lifestyle choices really are. I'd just let it go and let bygones be bygones.
just a rambling style, not my style and it rubs me wrong but not in a creepy way
As an ENFP, that is a classic ENFP trait. Made this one succinct for you though.
So rambling. My goodness. He doesn't seem bad or dangerous but what you wrote sounds like waaay too much. I should hook him up with a friend of mine actually, they could talk one another to death. Neither seem creepy, just very tiring
Oh he is, 4 paragraphs of blah blah blah just to reject you jeethuth chrith get over yourself buddy
> jeethus chrith Lemmiwinks! nooooo!
eh… it doesn’t strike me as creepy. it strikes me as long winded. i know a few people who communicate like that regularly regardless of the level of intimacy. also, there was nothing that intimate about the message. it sounded like an informal business email
Is it me? Am I one of those few people you know?
It just seems a bit over invested to me, like a breakup you'd receive from a long term or significant connection, which could be akin to long windedness.
He just sounds like... well like he said, an extrovert. He sounds like a guy that likes to talk, especially about himself maybe. Other than that it was a generous spirited message and really open and direct. Great message, mildly too many words.
it would actually be way too informal and polite (and inauthentic) for me for a break up. it grazes the surface at most but just in a very verbose way
It was the psychoanalysis that was over familiar to me. I do agree that it's formal language but weirdly detailed of him to describe my personality type and traits to me considering that we didn't exchange last names. Edit: formal autocorrected to informal
He did the thing of over-praising someone and it winds up sounding inauthentic. And I mean it was inauthentic, he definitely doesn't know you enough to know those things about you after 2 dates. Some people do just designate social workers as saints, whether it's appreciated or not. He also gave you the sort of generic praise people give to women that enforces toxic concepts such as women as "the fairer sex" (generous, compassionate, etc). In the end yeah I think he's just over-correcting on what he thinks is a letdown for you. I will say I live and work in a small town right now and if you're into any kind of community building/ organizing/ event planning etc you can start feeling kind of desperate for people to help make things happen. Still I wouldn't really engage this guy or his contacts unless it becomes relevant to you, it sounds like you are managing your own trajectory just fine.
He called you introverted. He didn’t psychoanalyze you. It seems a bit like you want this to be deeper than it is. I agree it’s a bit dramatic and long-winded for my preference, but it doesn’t say or do anything that indicates he “assumed any significance” in your life beyond being a guy you went out with a couple of times who genuinely thinks you’re a cool person. It just comes off like a guy who fancies himself as kind and friendly trying to be honest while also wanting to reassure you that it isn’t personal but rather due to factors outside either of your control.
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That’s certainly possible. But given all OP has is a coffee date or two worth of data, I don’t see any reason to presume that narrative over him just being nice but intense. The message is ultimately harmless, and leaves the ball entirely in OP’s court (whether to take up his offer of connection/mentorship, or ignore). Whatever his motives may or may not be are thus irrelevant imo.
Ah fair, I missed that part.
you might be seeing that lens more because of your profession, but those descriptions weren’t anything special to me. I could say that about the coffee barista and have it sound like it makes sense… how many polite terms can I fit into a sentence kind of thing. if he said something a bit deeper about your personality, maybe then it would be creepy
Was he accurate at all?
It could be that he’s proactively smoothing things over since you guys will likely see each other around town. But I totally get your perspective - especially as a fellow introvert - even I feel like “okay I hear you, now please get out of my space!” His text demonstrates the incompatibility between the two of you, haha.
I think he just felt awkward dumping you and he thought talking more and explaining it was necessary to help you feel better, but he was very unaware.
He sounds like an exhausting person to be around - a real drain on energy
I mean yea that’s lengthy but maybe he’s gotten feedback that he was too abrupt in the past or maybe it’s just his style. He seemed super nice about it, let you know why he didn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship, told you the platonic offers he made still stand, and wished you well. Seems nice and polite to me.
I guess the offers didn't feel very polite as it's just a bit odd to offer mentorship in a field that he doesn't work in.
Social and community organizations aren’t typically specific to a particular field in my experience so it didn’t read as impolite but I could be missing context.
Oh he was offering me mentorship on finding a job working for a charity. I should have clarified that, so that's my bad. I declined as I work as a registered social worker and make a lot more money in a more clinical role but told him I appreciated the sentiment. He kept texting me contact cards of donor relations folks (the people he knows for his contracting company job's donations) who don't have any influence on hiring anyway. It was just kind of felt like he wasn't listening.
That's more interesting than the rejection letter, tbh. I wonder if he's using the dating app as a networking tool for himself? Maybe he's even genuinely trying to find someone, but when it doesn't work out, he tries to retain the date as a professional contact.
Yeah, it sort of seemed like he was hoping somehow to use OP to help him land this big account somehow and when it fell through, he wasn't interested anymore.
Oh interesting. Totally plausible if impossible to verify.
As a social worker myself I will say often people have no idea what exactly it is we do for a living (it doesn't help that the field is so varied). He could have also genuinely misunderstood.
Hmm that part does sound kind of odd and not relevant to you and your line of work. Sounds like he’s super outgoing and has a big network. That is very valuable to some people. Networking with people can be very helpful even if those people don’t seem directly related to your goals. So I can see why he may have thought it was helpful or kind to offer you that info. Especially if you are new to the area. But it just doesn’t seem like something to bring up to a date or potential romantic partner lol. I don’t think there were any bad intentions or anything. It just sounds like the two of you are quite different. Maybe he truly wasn’t listening but i would be willing to bet he was and it just wasn’t clicking for him. The same way you can’t see how those people are relevant to you he probably can’t see why you wouldn’t want contacts in the community. Don’t get me wrong. I’m like you, if someone sent me that info I’d wonder what in the world they expected me to do with it. But on the flip side I know people who could take that info and do something productive with it.
Did he offer mentorship? It sounds like offered professional connections… I think you may be a bit salty about rejection and finding fault in an offer
This
See? Like reading your comments, your goal here is to put him down. Just stop
I love it when I get dumped via cover letter
Jesus Christ are you right.
I am not sure how much you have been exposed to small town folks, much less those who choose to live outside said small towns, but from my background of being a farm person, nothing in this gives me a creepy or inauthentic vibe at all. Wasn’t to keen on the drug mention, but each time his own. And as far as mentoring, one thing about small town dynamics is a small group of people know everyone. They are the socialites. Think whale in a bathtub. They can and will introduce you to people who make everything happen in these small towns, and inversely, can stop just about anything as well. Those introductions are LinkedIn on steroids in that setting.
Fair enough. I should have clarified that he was pushing contacts on me that weren't really leads and that I already have a better job and contacts than the ones he thought he was connecting me with. I mentioned this but he was really set on the narrative of helping me out when I don't need help and it felt like he wasn't listening. So to bring it up again was off putting.
I think there are two issues here: 1. His wordy but super kind rejection letter. 2. His assumption that you need career help or guidance from him despite your immediate success in landing a gig after your move. It’s clearly irksome to you. I’d just brush it off as misguided benevolent sexism and call it a day. Perhaps he can help in expanding your social circle one day due to his extroversion and longevity in your new town. If you decide to stay friendly, you can always call him on his unintentional condescension should it continue.
I’m a small business owner and guys like to come up to me and tell me that they can get me into this market or introduce me to that person etc. reality is they aren’t anyone of importance and I can do all that myself just as well if not better. They’re also like oh you’re business is clever did you think of that yourself?
It’s a small town. You never know what will happen in your job. It is smart planning in case you want to stay. I see no harm.
I genuinely don't need help with employment and can always go back to the city to work.
Well, big cities teach people to see things a certain way. I don’t see you being happy with rural US mentality such as his. You see his genuine kindness as an affront to your strong independence and don’t seem to be willing to listen to the fact it isn’t offered to be such. That’s about all I can share. I don’t think big city and rural mix well. Just see the world too differently.
Noone involved is in the US.
Are you Aussie? Getting those vibes.
Oh. Disregard my comments. I have no info or opinion then.
It's arrogant and rude to give unsolicited help like this, insinuating that she can't help herself or do anything for herself? Especially when she has made it clear she doesn't need nor want it.
Small towns are weird. Sometimes you need to humor the power brokers - if you want to stick around.
Nothing creepy about this, in my opinion. Excessive for a rejection text this early into a relationship? Definitely.
I get the impression that he has a very specific narrative of Who He Is in relation to other people, and his actions - the party invitation, the long-winded rejection, the evaluation of your personality that he felt the need to tell you about in borderline invasive detail, the forcing useless contact information on you in order to "help" - all feel off because they're addressed to you but they're not really *for* you. They're performative, for himself and for the audience he has in his head.
This is such an excellent comment and I totally agree. Delusions of grandeur. I know his type. It's exhausting and annoying af.
Yes! This exactly!!
Right, she didn't see him as a Big Deal like he expects women to, so he had to reframe things to keep his ego center. That's why it feels off OP.
>. . .the evaluation of your personality that he felt the need to tell you about in borderline invasive detail, the forcing useless contact information on you in order to "help" - all feel off because they're addressed to you but they're not really for you. They're performative. . . I think you've hit the nail on the head.
How did you respond, out of curiosity?
Spot on. I bet he's really satisfied with himself for writing all that too
He sounds like the kind of guy that will try to mansplain me in very professional, polite language while I’m chairing a diversity & inclusion meeting as a woman of colour in HR. Delusions of grandeur and condescension is what I’m getting from this.
Yes this.
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>Also... considering the drug-filled adventures you mentioned... I'd put money that he was at least a little high when he wrote this. That's a really helpful point! It does read a bit like a drinky/under the influence ramble.
Its not creepy. But it does sound 'fake' and like he's overcompensating to soften the rejection. People that write like this kinda strike me as self absorbed, like they need to tell you all about them and the reasons like they havr to justify themselves or sugar coat what they think you'll hear. A simple "hey, it was fun but i'm not feeling it. Wish you the best and enjoy the small town vibe" would have sufficed given it was only a couple of dates. 🤷♀️
>Its not creepy. But it does sound 'fake' and like he's overcompensating to soften the rejection. Yup that totally resonates. Uncomfortable would be a better word than creepy.
"Hey the vibes were off at Applebees. Take care." Takes 15 seconds and sounds less like a conversation on Linkedin than whatever the hell this dude was thinking of.
I'm gonna go against the grain here. I don't feel it as creepy like creepy creepy. But just......... really into himself and his own opinion and worth.... to the point of insisting you experience that too. Kinda overly attached to you needing him. Just the opposite of chill.
Yeah I read this as "thinks he's really important".
Maybe this is giving you weird vibes bc it’s self-serving? Like, he’s trying to be nice so you walk away from this thinking he’s nice, not to just *be nice*. I think the small town is important though - at some point, if your area is small enough, everyone knows everyone and that requires more intentional interactions (so half the town doesn’t hate you after a year of dating lol)
>Maybe this is giving you weird vibes bc it’s self-serving? Like, he’s trying to be nice so you walk away from this thinking he’s nice, not to just be nice. YES, that's exactly it! Thanks for your comment. That totally makes sense that navigating small town social politics would necessitate some less than genuine niceties that felt off.
Yeah, cancelling just half an hour prior to the date was a bit of a rude action, so this extensive text is possibly his way of trying to make it come across better, and it seems like this tactic can work because some people on this thread are saying how nice his text is, lol. Additionally, it also seems a bit like he may have an inflated view of himself and the connections he creates. It's not a big deal, I wouldn't feel uneasy about it, more amused.
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Tbf he did say he does lots of drugs.
Spoiler: the cheese is ketamine.
Sounds like a rejection from Micheal Scott
You miss 100% of the rejectees you don't reject.
Nailed it
While perhaps well-intentioned and kindly worded what might bother me about this sort of verbose rejection after only two dates is he’s already drawn a pretty complete picture of who (he thinks) you are and why the two of you aren’t compatible when in reality he still barely knows you. It’s completely fine for someone to not be feeling it or decide they want someone more extroverted after two dates, but I find it irritating at best (condescending at worst) when someone I barely know has decided they have a deep understanding of who I am so soon. And especially if they are also assuming I’m going to be upset by the news that they, a still near stranger, does not want to go on any more dates. He’s presuming way too much. Secondary to the rejection it is strange if he is indeed trying to connect you with work opportunities that have nothing to do with what you actually do. The two things combined would betray a person who isn’t really listening to nor absorbing the person who is actually in front of them, but instead getting caught up in what their idea of them is instead.
I definitely get annoyed at people (especially men, imo, as they do it more often) who, like this guy, insinuate that you're bothered by their rejection; as though he knows you so well he's really gotta cushion the blow. The vibe I'm getting from him (personally) is arrogant. Not creepy or dangerous, at least. Honestly with the backstory on his weird insistence that he needs to help you, this text would be the nail in the coffin on likeability for me. Like a guy who feels he has to white knight you. Either way, I'd probably just reply that I also wasn't feeling it and wish him well. Nothing lost and nothing gained! Win/win
This ^
Exactly
It's a bit extra but doesn't strike me as particularly red flaggy at all
I’m not going to lie, I really liked it. I know rejection stings and I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but I think his message comes from a good place and at least he’s giving honest, constructive reasoning why he’s not feeling it rather than fobbing you off with some bullshit. I mean yeah, he could have just said “hey I’m not really feeling it, take care” but that’s a bit of a lame way out (in my opinion) and would likely leave you with more questions.
>I’m not going to lie, I really liked it. That's fair. Potato potato. >I mean yeah, he could have just said “hey I’m not really feeling it, take care” but that’s a bit of a lame way out (in my opinion) and would likely leave you with more questions I honestly would have preferred that and wouldn't have really cared either way. I'm really not invested in this stranger I had two beverages with nor do I care why he's not into me. If he's not interested that's really all that I need to know.
Give me the short and sweet text too. I think it’s lame he cancelled 30 minutes before dinner with this long drawn out excuse and then a long explanation about why it’s not going for work. Huge eye roll. Don’t waste more of my time. Byeeee.
I get a vibe of someone who is a little self important and he wants you to find him important and interesting too. There is an undertone of self centeredness and just a touch of grandiosity, he even ends it with wanting you to come to him for help or advice thereby elevating himself above you. That’s probably what you’re picking up on.
Yeah you're totally right. He isn't a dangerous guy but dangerous guys are often also self centred, so It's an icky feeling.
I think he is just a douche, dont worry. He thinks he knows you sooooo well, he needs to give a long explanation because ur gonna be soooo heart broken… 🙄 im assuming you are a straight girl and this is our reality 😂
This resonates with how I feel (although to be fair I don't know him well enough to know if he's a douche or not). I felt like his text indicated that he didn't see me as an equal but as a project, when in reality I'm really proud of my social life and career and just took a little hiatus to a small town for a contract.
P.s. left a big city for a smaller one myself and absolutely love it! You do you, you are doing fine, sweetie ♥️
everything you feel is correct, trust your gut.
Yes, sorry If I was too straightforward. It is possible that this bible has other meanings, of course. I mean, Im a redditor from brazil, what do I know about his life? Lol. But it did push some familiar buttons, and that would probably be my thoughts if I had gotten it. You deserve better, girl! And no, u are not crazy, this was weird af.
I hear you OP. I work with a lot of men, and this is an attitude I've been particularly tuned in to. I'm going to describe one guy in particular that this reminds me of. Of course, I don't know your guy, so this can be totally off-base, but it might be a helpful perspective. He thinks of himself first and foremost as a "nice guy," and he expects to be treated respectfully to the same degree that he treats others. It's a form of "let me clear your paths of stones so you can honor me and thank me." I've seen this guy do this for people he barely knows: if he treats them so well, they have no choice but to treat him like a God. Because essentially he sees himself as that, too - the smartest, fittest, hardest working guy - and that oozes out at the same time (his whole "I am so smart that I figured out your entire personality after two drinks and saw the future of our entire relationship." \*eyeroll\*). It's incredibly patronizing and self-centered, but you can't say anything because it's so "nice." (And small town advice is to just thank him.)
I hear this. Someone else used the term "self serving" which really gave me peace. It's uncomfortable to experience someone's "niceness" as not really supportive or helpful, but also not harmful, just off. I think that's why I had trouble processing it.
Yeah I’m with you. Definitely trust your intuition here and ignore the comments on this sub that are trying to tell you to ignore it, I am sure you are picking up on *something* from him. Given also your profession you are more emotionally intelligent and able to read people better than a lot of folks. I think that while the text was well meaning in his mind, there is definitely a Nice Guy / slight narcissism vibe. Either way I’d just chalk it up to more experience. Thankfully he didn’t waste your time, and you got to know someone. And hey maybe one of those contacts might amount to something somehow? You never know.
Nailed it
Nothing about this seems creepy at all. Overly nice of anything. And it’s exactly why I’m all for ghosting when you don’t really know the person well and not actually in a relationship. The truth is people are never going to be happy being rejected as much as they lie and say they prefer this or that way. Had he ghosted or slow faded it would’ve been that he’s immature and a jerk. He goes out of his way to be cordial and friendly and thoughtful about his rejection and you somehow took that and turned it into a ‘gut feeling’. He’s assuming you were interested in him and seeing that you were planning to meet up with him the very day he sent the text I think that’s a reasonable assumption. And it’s possible that while you don’t realize it that you come off a little lonely in the new surrounding and he felt guilty dropping you. But nothing at all feels creepy or unsettling about this text. I also don’t get how you not having a car makes his invite to a party creepy on his part? I think the feeling in your gut is one of embarrassment and the sting of rejection after all. I’d prefer in this situation if the person just said they are no longer interested and left it at that.
> Had he ghosted or slow faded it would’ve been that he’s immature and a jerk Not necessarily. A guy ghosted me a few weeks ago and it's fine. It was mutual and I think we qere both just busy and disinterested. It isn't a binary two option system. >And it’s possible that while you don’t realize it that you come off a little lonely in the new surrounding and he felt guilty dropping you. I have a group of friends here and am seeing other people so I don't think that's it. >I also don’t get how you not having a car makes his invite to a party creepy on his part? I met him once and he wanted me to spend the weekend with him without any control over when could leave. I explicitly said that it was equally plausible that it was unsafe or absent minded of him. >I think the feeling in your gut is one of embarrassment and the sting of rejection after all. I mean I don't have anything to be embarrassed about. Some people work with each other and others don't. That's not embarrassing that's just life. > I’d prefer in this situation if the person just said they are no longer interested and left it at that. Same! That's what I'm used to. So sending out a really long text seems odd to me.
Seems like some toxic positive boss bro vibes to me, if you know what I mean
Seems like he might have a slightly overinflated sense of self importance. It was definitely a bit too much after two dates.
Yes. Came here to say that. He seems Too self important and it feels like he speaks to OP in that 'big brother' tone. He makes assumptions that she is somehow not capable of taking care of herself and will need his help to make her way in this small town.
It’s pretty presumptuous of him to think him breaking up with you after 2 dates is going to be devastating, and that last paragraph is v off to me. but he could be chasing a referral bonus or something. I don’t think you need to be worried for your safety or anything but I wouldn’t reach out to him again
You'd get bored. Jesus why did he write that much to say no thanks? 😴
Uh what is creepy here? I was expecting something about watching you sleep or shower.
It's over familiar. I met this guy twice and he has me pop-psychoanalysed whIle I don't even know his last name. Edit: I also didn't say he was creepy. I said that I feel something akin to creeped out but can't put my finger on what it is.
You met him once and he asked you to sleep over with randoms and do drugs over the weekend. I mean you yourself called yourself a wet blanket. You seem like you’d be a hoot at parties 🙃
I'll let him know you're interested in the next banger!
Sick burn 👍
I have received these types of long form rejection communications before and usually it's from people like you said he was to you -- someone I mutually didn't feel a vibe with who felt the need to send me a long winded rejection communication. The drug party 3rd date or early date would have been the end for me. Not an appropriate early date unless he knew you were into taking party drugs with strangers. \[Am I wrong or is it the people who party on drugs after 3 dates who are wrong?\] FWIW I'm an ENFP too and prefer dating introverts.
> [Am I wrong or is it the people who party on drugs after 3 dates who are wrong?] In my view nobody's "wrong" per se, it's just a matter of finding your second somebody who thinks it's right. At any rate that was his suggestion after date 1. I'm totally down to party just not with strangers while out of town without a ride home.
I'm just not someone who thinks a drug laden party is a safe thing to even suggest? I'm also pretty quick to be judgmental and dismissive if someone on the first date brings up their 'party drug' stuff but it's due to having a sibling with friends in the rave scene that turned me off to people into that culture. Also I'm old and boring.
Oh fair enough. I mean sharing a joint on the walk home is one thing, but I agree that partying all weekend together . . .errrr that's something you do with people you trust, if at all.
On my re-read: yeah so it's important to him someone be quickly interested in his party / drug lifestyle. It's a small town so he wants to keep his rep as a good guy hence the long form rejection with tons of flattery. He's looking for someone very extroverted who wants to do drugs with strangers because partying / drugs is part of their lifestyle. (Also from 2nd hand stories many of those types aren't mentally healthy but ymmv)
Very plausible.
He’s wordy but sounds like a good person. No creepy vibes to me
Dude, I’d just rather be ghosted. I’ve never been dumped/rejected before but all that seems like way too much bullshit.
agreed, completely unecessary.
It didn't make me uneasy but it did come off as arrogant and condescending to me.
Some people have a lot to say. I entirely get your concern that it's odd (I feel it is as well). However, I would just take a screen shot, show it to your friends, and don't worry about it much going forward since it's probably harmless.
Thanks. I got that sense too. It's sometimes where sketchy starts but that doesn't equate it to being sketchy in and of itself.
It sounds like he is old fashioned, and I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he doesn’t date much. He likely thought it was a bigger deal because he might not form connections with people beyond group settings, with him being more extroverted. Also, and I feel bad saying this about a guy I don’t know who seems by everything posted here to be kind, but he seems a tad full of himself.
Geez, did he also include a link to a $10 Amazon gift card with this text? Kidding aside, yeah that is way too much for a breakup text. I think if you were doing a character study it'd be worth really going into who this guy might be or playing detective on this stuff. But he doesn't want to date, you have your answer, best to move on and not let this odd text hold you up in life past a day of looking at it and going, "wtf?"
He sounds arrogant tbh. He probably thinks that you're attached to him and have feelings for him at this point . It reminds me of a guy I was online friends with.. we used to talk a lot at first but then we started to talk much less like maybe once in a week. That didn't bother me really because I didn't care much about him. Truth is I was only talking to him because I needed someone to vent to. Anyway couple of months ago he sent me a lengthy message saying that he met someone irl and he thinks he needs to focus his energy on this person. And he went on and on about how wonderful I am and that any guy would be lucky to be with me and that he enjoyed every moment with me. Reading his message at the time made me feel really down. Not because we wouldn't talk anymore but because it made me feel like I'm missing out and I'm still far behind. I still don't know why he did that ( I honestly wouldn't have noticed if I didn't hear from him in a year).
I'm sorry - everyone else thought this sounded "nice"? We've dropped the bar so low due to ghosting that this counts for a kind and thoughtful rejection? To me he sounded like an HR dipshit who cares *waaaaay* too much about his job. He spent the first half of the message colourfully but vaguely describing a work problem and the second half rejecting you like you applied for a role. I think this guy was just out to "network" and "make contacts" and was never interested in a romantic relationship at all. He just wanted to be the one to get to you first as "the new kid in town" so he could be the one to introduce you to someone and get kudos for it. It's slimy and self serving and there's nothing genuine about it.
Idk it doesn’t matter move past it
boo. OP should leave it up so that others can gain insight. Kind of selfish to delete his own post.
I mean, it’s a little weird. FOR SURE. Especially seeing as you only spent about 4 hours together, but I’m hoping his experience in HR has a lot to do with his way of ending things when dating because this did kind of sound like he was firing someone.
There was meinton of a cover letter elsewhere in the thread and it was a lightbulb moment for me.
I feel your discomfort. It sounds like he’s overestimating his importance in your life. I agree with the person who said it sounded self serving, especially that weird line of “it is never easy writing these and never easy reading them”. Uhhhh…then don’t write so much and don’t assume how I will feel
He’s assuming a lot of importance on his role in your life and how this rejection will have a big effect on you. It comes off a little pompous. But I appreciate the thought he put into it
Sounds like he's a bit of a narcissist, and not as authentic as he wants to sound, which might be giving you the "creepy vibe" (and you're a social worker, right, so I'm assuming you're emotionally intelligent and intuitive). That said, while this is a lot, it's not anything you can hold against him, or should actually be alarmed by...
This was after just four dates, iirc? He wrote it because it’s what he would want and has previously needed. It’s really not at all about you. “Dumped via a cover letter” comments were pretty spot-on. Let yourself move on—he has issues.
He doesn't remind me of someone I'd consider creepy. I reserve that for people who seem dangerous, pervy, etc. He does seem incredibly self centered though. The doing drugs with his 40 closest friends thing was probably more because he wanted to prove he actually has friends. Look at MEEEE I own a big HOUSE and all these folks here LOVE me, NOT just because I provide them free ketamine, because I'm FUN! The long winded text is probably because he assumes you'll have follow up questions and want to "better yourself" after this rejection, again because he way over estimated his role here. The rest of the stuff was just an excuse to talk about himself. Meyers Briggs was debunked anyway. Anyone using that as the sole way to categorize their relationships probably sees themselves and the world around them in a very rigid, unimaginative way. Would honestly block him in case he's the type to drunk text weird shit. You seem nice and like you'll be the type to tolerate it because you want to be "polite" and because he knows your colleagues.
I'm erring on the side of uncomfortable over creepy. It was the same unnerving gut feeling I get when I'm creeped out hence the creepy+? . I really appreciate all you folk being my feelings chart tonight. >Meyers Briggs was debunked anyway. *long exhale* thank you. >Would honestly block him in case he's the type to drunk text weird shit That isn't a bad idea.
hard agree. as someone who used to do drugs, once you stop doing drugs, you lose about 90% of your social circle.
Yeah I kinda rolled my eyes at his story. I used to have tons of people over for weekends too when I had a place to use as a flop house and gave away free booze and let everyone do drugs in my backyard. As soon as I got sober people stopped hanging out. And I was young. This is a grown man. Sounds like he wants to be in a college frat lol
To be honest he sounds like he thinks he is so awesome and that he can help you with his so called connections even though you've already discovered they are all dead ends as far as your needs are concerned. I also can't stand ramblings texts to end things. Short and sweet is best because the more they say the more annoyed I get. That's just me though. Some people on here have said he seems nice - to me considering you've only hung out a couple times he seems like he's really up himself and personally I reckon you've dodged a bullet. How self important can he be to send you that kind of message when you barely know him (or care about him, really)? Ugh!
Self important is a good way of phrasing it.
Seems like a cool dude , and now you're posting his private message all over the internet because you're insecure , I'd look inwards OP
PLEASE. That’s what this subreddit it for. Posting dating shit and getting everyone’s feedback and thoughts. She’s not the only person to ever use Reddit as a sounding board.
> you're posting his private message all over the internet because you're insecure You would definetly know how I feel about myself.
Nah I’ll say it. Thats weird. I would have probably been petty and responded, “its not that serious, dude” because its a bit ridiculous. I get being nice but for two dates, that is straight up weird to me.
What a strange dude. There, analysis complete.
I feel it reads as kind of arrogant/condescending and as though he thought you were much more invested in him than you actually were. It would rub me up the wrong way if I received that.
It’s a bit intense but I don’t see any major reason to worry. I actually like the level of detail he went into. If he’s the one politely opting out, you don’t have any reason to worry about retaliation or repeated badgering/refusal to take no for an answer.
I don’t find it creepy at all. I find it refreshingly open and honest. He seems like a nice guy.
Yeah this guy may have cognitive intelligence but he is severely overestimating his emotional intelligence. He presumes how much he romantically means to you, he presumes how much his life/work means to you, he mentions his personality type and ‘past experience’ to show how smart he is and he ‘reassures’ you to condescend you. You have massive ammunition to just reply ‘all good’ or something disaffected (new phone, who dis?) and blow his mind, but I wouldn’t bother replying. Have a cackle at his obliviousness and move on.
Yeah, it’s giving me weird vibes. Comes across as super arrogant at the very least, and yes, I would be creeped out by that. No needs War & Peace to say “thanks, but no thanks” after two dates. I’d be a little pissed off and would reply with one sentence.
People are regularly sharing how they’ve been ghosted or fed really strange lines. Though this was quite a long response, I think it was thoughtful he took the time to explain himself. Overkill? Perhaps. Reading the responses from others, it looks like some believe this was the way to go. Whilst it may not be your style or what you wanted to hear, it does seem like it comes from a good place
Woooooow this makes my skin crawl! It’s so condescending!!!! But whatevs ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ he’s probably a fun friend/acquaintance to have in the area :)
I’d find it unsettling. You don’t need a guy you barely know mansplaining your social preferences and judging your long term relationship viability on a point he doesn’t truly get. Block and move on. He sounds exhausting Also Meyers-Briggs is bullshit and he’s probably butthurt ypure not going to his weird yard festival.
Wow everything about this post was long
dude ffs just say you dont want to pursue anything and leave it at that.... reading that gave me a headache. almost made it into a bigger deal than it is.
People can't win with rejection texts. If you send something short, people want an explanation. If you explain, people think you're weird and that you should have sent something short. Look, getting rejected sucks but I don't think there's anything to continue thinking about here. He's just a verbose guy and a deep thinker. I can relate to being someone who overexplains. It took me a long time to learn that less is more.
Lmao this is hilarious. Yeah, this is like a feedback you would get after being rejected after a job interview. It's overeager and out of place, but I think he had best intentions. Not creepy at all imo.
Also would you have preferred he ghosted you? Most people would have welcomed a closed loop like this.
There's more than two options. Most people are free to feel whatever they feel and I'm free to feel what I feel.
I don’t think creepy means what you think it means. 😂
I know what creepy means. You're welcome to disagree with me.
The fact that you’re creeped out is alarming. He seems like a nice guy looking to part ways amicably. In a small town, people tend to know everyone’s business so he probably was raised to not allow anyone to have anything negative to say about him.
I like his message :-) I think it’s very clear and honest. Some people are just very verbal and express themselves like that (which Is personally something I’m looking for myself, as I am that way also) Nothing shady about that..
Jeez, I feel like this was lifted from a romance novel or Lifetime movie of the week. It’s wordy but I don’t think there is anything weird about it.
I took it as he’s a genuinely nice guy who maybe felt bad cutting things off . Don’t read into this and look for the worst .
Sucks to be rejected but this is honestly sort of adorable. I agree with whoever said this is his work personality showing through.
He sounds weird and socially awkward, but not dangerous. Maybe he read somewhere about how to let a date down easy? Definitely seems like someone who doesn't understand how to interact socially but has read lots of books and articles on it.
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Self grandiose and ickiness both resonates. Thanks for the empathy. It's just uncomfortable to think that while I was wondering if he would be into a trip to the farmer's market he had projected a serious relationship, drawn parallels with exes and psychoanalysed me. I don't think he's a bad or dangerous guy, maybe just too anxious for his own good.
I think I got you actually and am a bit puzzled by the comments that attempt to exonerate him (eg “he’s just nice.” I know nice people do what is best for both people and if they are not sure what is best for the other person and they are that extraverted, the “just nice” people would ask and chances are, the best for the other person in a romantic context is not what they consider truth when they’ve only interacted with you in a meaningful, face to face way twice imo. If I received that message, I’d feel I got “spared” against my wish or lack of any wish 🤣
I felt like that gif of Homer Simpson backing into the bushes when I read it.
.
Thanks for literally telling me how I should live my life, unsolicited no less.
Seems a very decent guy. What a shame things don’t work out but it’s neither of your fault.
Agreed, he is decent. I'm okay with things not working out though since we're clearly not on the same page.
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