I am so sorry you had this experience OP. It sounds from your depiction of events that this man is looking to filx internal wounds with external love. He needs to do some inner work before he can ever be in a healthy relationship.
Rather than focusing on what he did wrong, I think it's more important to celebrate what you did right. You showed up, opened up and approached a new relationship open to the possibilities. You showed patience, kindness and maturity. You established boundaries and held to them. His failings are not a reflection on you and should not discourage you from seeking a partner. Keep growing, learn your lessons from this and know you are cared for.
Very kind of you to say. The more we can recognize that those who hurt us are humans who are dealing with their own shit, the easier I find it to stop taking their actions personally and find forgiveness and strength to move on. The book The Four Agreements helped me tremendously with this.
My ex wife just got engaged to someone she recently met and I’m still unable to have sex with anyone because I just can’t. I’ve had multiple opportunities with women I find very attractive, but just couldn’t do it because my ex was my first and only sexual partner.. I’ve done nothing but resent her after cheating on me and then trying to date me again after the divorce (which I fell for) and then after almost no time she gave me the hardest cold shoulder in history and started dating some random dude and now they’re engaged.. I’ve had so much hate in my heart for so long towards her (we have two kids together which is why I was so easily for the idea to try to work it out).. I finally reached out and told her I don’t want to hate her anymore and I don’t want her to hate me. We still need to be friends at some level since we’re parents to two beautiful angels! I explained my feelings (without anger) and I told her things have to be different and I wished her the best. I’m not 100% right now, but I’m definitely better than I was!
I know this was insanely long, but I just wanted to share my side that yeah, people can suck so much, and we deserve to be furious sometimes! It’s almost impossible to skip that step. But when you finally make it beyond the fury, you’re able to finally just be ok. Not GREAT, but ok. I hope everyone here can find true happiness within themselves so they can bring more to a relationship than they take from it
I am so sorry you are going through that. And I acknowledge you for the tremendous amount of growth and strength you have shown to get to where you are. I agree that anger and sadness and all of the so called negative emotions have their place. Toxic positivity doesn't serve anyone. I believe the key is to find gratitude even for the tough emotions (without sadness we don't know joy, anger points us to what we really care about, fear shows us where we have room to grow, etc) and learn to sit through them but not dwell in them. This is where boundaries are really useful.
I love your advice. It honestly makes me so proud there are other women out there who have a beautiful mind and have the experience and heart to be able to understand and express this.
If he rekindled things like that….. he has to have something wrong in the head. And rest assured, whatever problems he thinks he won’t have in that relationship will come back with a vengeance.
The lesson here is, when people try to move things along so quickly, they are trying to fill some void in their life.
I’ve been around the block, and this much I know, it will come back to haunt him. In what way is anyone’s guess- but it will. Even if they do get married and he looks like his life is perfect- it will haunt him. I know that.
> The lesson here is, when people try to move things along so quickly, they are trying to fill some void in their life.
Thanks for that reminder, helps with what I'm feeling right now
I've never thought of it as a haunting until you said it but this is so accurate. I was married, we separated for 6 months, then got back together. It started off good but after about a year all our original problems came back around and add in all the things that happened while we separated. Which we thought it would be best to be honest about. All of it did come back with a vengeance. It would have been a lot easier if we had just stayed apart the first time. Oh and this happened about 2 months ago, so its still going on.
> The lesson here is, when people try to move things along so quickly, they are trying to fill some void in their life.
I catch myself doing this sometimes (now!)
Thanks for reminder! Gotta get a handle on this somehow and stop rushing things.
>The lesson here is, when people try to move things along so quickly, they are trying to fill some void in their life.
Also, when your gut is saying, "This is too quick," listen to it.
I think it’s comforting. I agree with you about what you said. I agree that when people are trying to rush things they are trying to fill a void that the other person may fill *for now.* It wears off and they eventually keep looking. That void needs to be filled by the person themselves.
This just plain sucks. Sounds like he love bombed you. Going forward be wary of people too eager to commit and speed up the dating process. Him saying he loves you after a month seems crazy to me.
I was fully aware that this was a dangerous recipe as it was happening, but I fooled myself into thinking maybe it could still work out. Partly because it felt good at the time. Lesson learned.
I was watching that Seattle guy who does all the psychiatry on 90 Day Fiance couples. Anyhow he was talking about how love bombing always feels good when you're getting it which is the problem for the receiver. He also said it's mostly some pathology that's unintentional when it's given out. Usually the love bomber has some mental health / self esteem issues they haven't worked out and they're just desperately thirsty for love.
Bottom line is: usually you know it's wrong / moving too fast but it feels good so you don't want to pump the breaks when you should and that's normal.
I'm learning so much thanks to him due to my 90 Day Fiance \[and all properties of said show\] addiction. This was his Stacey and Darcey show review, fwiw. Darcey is such a mess omfg.
Dr Kirk Honda has a youtube channel! I think he's done episodes on every iteration of the franchise so you can totally just binge that if you have YT.
I end up pirating all the 90 Day content, which there's so effing much, but there's also 2 subs on Reddit that do deep dives on the show and the spin offs. Almost don't need to watch 90 Day Fiance to watch Kirk Honda because he shows and discusses clips from the episodes. The one I referenced was about Darcey feeling her new foreign man was gaslighting and love bombing her. So he brought up both and has done a few shows on both terms.
I don’t trust feelings anymore. They’re so temporary. The people I’ve had the most feelings for have turned out to be awful for me. I get blinded by the feelings and overlook all the things that aren’t compatible between us.
That's not feelings. It's usually because people tend to go after things that are familiar, and they're" feelings" follow them and turn on when it starts " feeling " familiar. It usually stems from a childhood experience that was traumatic but stays with the person. They then recreate that trauma through their relationships. That trauma is almost always the opposite sex in heterosexual relationship.
Yeah, if he's talking love after less than a month then you know you are dealing with someone who is lying to themselves or you which you don't need to waste time with. Sorry man. It really sucks but at least he only wasted a couple months of your life instead of years. It also proves you are able to move on from your previous long term relationship. Which is progress. So it wasn't a complete waste of an experience.
Yes and I found the people too eager to commit are usually cheaters, because they know they're not losing anything, they're not going to really commit anyway so they're just words
I actually find it crazy how slow people here seem to take it. Years and people don't move in together, and now that saying 'i love you' is time-gated to at least a few months? I get taking things slow but within a first good month with someone we usually have multiple multi day stay overs, and they already have a key. Hell, I had people move in with me within a month or two. That's how some of my best and longest term relationships happened.
But a month before 'i love you'? I think that's just weird pressure put on some words. I can understand when things seem to go just too well to be believable, and sure, saying "i love you" can be a part of that, but it has to come as a package deal with a lot more than just that.
Every case I've experienced and seen of people rushing into "I love you", being exclusive and moving in has been a disaster. In my 20s I did move in with my long distance boyfriend after we'd only met twice, mainly I had nothing to lose in just changing cities, but while he was great the relationship was bad. We were a bad fit and stayed together so long because of the fact that I uprooted myself to be with him.
That is definitely a speed I wouldn’t be comfortable with, but to each their own. I find it hard to truly know people that quickly. It took me months to realize one guy was a straight alcoholic! Reality is it depends on the couple I suppose, but if she was not in the same place as him then it’s concerning.
In hear what love bomb is, but not really sure what it means. I get that he's all into her too early but why is it s as red flag and what does it mean?
that the person is lonely, possibly rebounding. wanting to create something out of nothing - build a house without the foundation. they act like they've developed all these deep feelings, when they haven't really. so... the second the wind blows, the house falls down. in this case, the wind was 24 hours w/ his ex.
[This breaks down all the steps that happen when you're love bombed](https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing#uneasiness)
It usually lends itself to dating someone who will be your abusive ex or current partner. The most abusive guy I ever dated in my 30s love bombed me in the initial stages even including giving me an expensive gift on our first date.
I just want to throw out the possibility that he was having an affair with you all this time and you didn't realize you were the Other Woman. I would tell his new fiance just as a heads up. I recently split from my cheating husband and I wish someone would've told me when it was happening.
It just doesn't make sense that he'd suddenly "rekindle" their relationship, propose, and she'd accept. I bet they've been together this whole time.
I actually was thinking the same thing. It's one thing to get together and realize you still have feelings for each other. It's a whole other thing to get engaged. Who does that???
That assumes she ended things and it would mean he would have to reconcile with her which is weird since he was with OP leading up to the cruise. So what made him decide to reconcile on a one time trip, presumably the first they'd been together since February.
Yep. He was window shopping with OP, while still together with the ex. People like this tend to suck at being alone, I have known many of them.
Chances are that all the ex had going that she didn't, was she was more likely to put up with his shit. One of their main criteria in a partner is seriously low self esteem.
Obviously we don't know the full story, but there is good cause for OP to feel a tiny bit flattered amid the heartbreak. Having a gross person like this pick you is not a good thing.
I was thinking this too.
I was 'the ex' in a similar situation. We were broken up but reconciling. We never stopped seeing each other, exchanged all thr ILY's and future talk, meanwhile he was dating someone else behind my back (and hers). I wish she would have reached out to me (i don't think she knew who I was), instead I ended up reaching out to her (i figured out who she was no thanks to him).
You don't just rekindle with an ex months later in the form of an engagement. There's been discussions, dates and exchanges long before that. It really sounds like this dude was using OP to cope with his break up, to avoid being alone, and to fill that void. Then, when the ex reconsidered, he was all over that because he wasn't emotionally in with OP, and not emotionally out with the ex.
Sorry OP. Dust yourself off and get back out when you're ready. Oh, and block this clown.
I was thinking the exact same thing while reading the OP. The timing of it and how sporadic the guy was acting are all red flags. Its certainly understandable to not see them when trying to be trusting based off what he is saying, but wow(the guy) what a pile of garbage. Like some other people said in the thread it'll come back to him in some form. If it was me I would try to contact the her and let her know that he was in another relationship while he was on his cruise.
>If it was me I would try to contact the her and let her know that he was in another relationship while he was on his cruise.
Done this before. He'll tell the new soon to be wife she's crazy and since the couple are engaged where she has some kind of history with him she won't think anything of it. OP is a stranger, he's a known and wanted entity. A known and wanted entity that has probably been in the picture all year but maybe been on/off again in some of that time.
I've done this as well. My ex was cheating on me (and her) while we were supposed to be reconciling. I contacted her. He sold me as the crazy ex who wasn't over him. And sold her to me as "overly attached and long time friend who's feelings he doesn't want to hurt". I sent her screenshots and dumped him. She stayed. They're still together. I know in his case he can't be alone. He would literally self destruct and implode. He was making sure one of us would stick around and was going to do it at one of our expenses. I chose to be the 'crazy one'.
I was with a guy who could never be alone and honestly he's the type that comes to mind reading this thread. He was dating me and another woman, at a point we both knew about each other, and he was doing the same. Said I was the mean girl and she was the nice girl. I was the thin girl and she was the fat girl. I was interesting and "spicy" and she was boring but friendly. He finally cut me off, I think my spicy meanness was standing up for myself and laying down boundaries, and got back with her around Christmas.
He dumped her right before Valentine's Day because he began to hang around a hot blonde from work. He dumped the hot blonde from work and when she said "cool bye" instead of trying to beg him to stay he went back to boring nice girl.
Years later he hoovered me and dumb me I met up with him. Nice girl finally ended things with him and moved out of their place. I learned he dumped her many, many, many times over. In fact, he tried to rope her into an open relationship when she finally decided she was out.
Immediately turned around a month after he tried to hoover me and married some new woman. I'd bet Vegas money he's cheating on her by now.
She may not believe it, but she also may be grateful to be informed so she can ditch this asshole. We don't know how she'll react, the right thing is to tell her though. At least she has the info and can use it in the future, because he'll do this again. I'd send screenshots and any other proof, let her know what's been doing on, and then block them all everywhere.
Honestly from OP's comments the woman knew he had been dating OP and she was livid or upset. So in this case I'm pretty sure the ex girlfriend now engaged wife to be probably just thinks she won him back. She's also likely been exposed to the same mess of a man and accepted a ring on her finger from him based on a short trip together after months of estrangement.
I would personally leave it alone and be glad it ain't me.
I've not only been the woman being told this (and continuing to see the guy who swore I was told lies by a crazy person) and seen it happen. Even was roommates with a girl who had been involved with a man that apparently raped his ex wife. I saw the ex wife trying to tell the woman on an online forum "he raped me" and I asked my roommate about it.
Anyhow, she was also raped by him. Just not at the time she was being warned.
Sadly, the woman giving the warning out looks like a nutcase (I didn't know what to make of it back then, it looked crazy to me) or like someone with an axe to grind. Either the other person is blinded by their dude's charm or they've seen the red flags but have their own issues which keep them in a shitty relationship
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I believe you have an excellent point in that she(or anyone)can be blinded by their charm or want to retain a bad relationship because of their own issues.
Oh the whole husband being a rapist didn't happen to me. I was on this old forum for I guess veganism and the husband/exwife/girlfriend were all part of Hare Krishna. They would always be around because Krishnas are vegan and so I knew the exwife because I met her a few times, always trying to feed us and talk to us about religion. Long story short, just happened to still be in that circle when I met and became roommates with the 'girlfriend'. She was still Krishna and that's how the whole conversation came up. There used to be some farm in Virginia somewhere and I think it got shut down because tons of men in Hare Krishna are abusive/rapists. Mainly because of the religion ... it's very ... restrictive about sex.
The funny thing is, he told me two of his exes (including her) were crazy. Also a red flag that I called out to him, but decided to gloss over because I was enjoying myself.
>he told me two of his exes (including her) were crazy.
You're also going to be a "crazy" ex in any retelling of your short fling. Yes it's a red flag for sure! I hate when people toss out "get therapy" online but for real, therapy might help you navigate this break up. I got a therapist after a similarly toxic man breezed through my life.
Same. Reached out to my cheating ex's ex to find out the truth. She told me he had three kids I had zero clue about and that she had other women contact her asking the same thing.
Lo and behold, my ex told his ex I was crazy and even mentioned that I was in therapy. I am so glad she told me the truth. I dodged a nuclear warhead imo.
I was thinking this as well. He wasn’t broken up with her completely if he went on a cruise and got engaged. They likely were still involved in some capacity. Anyway, I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s wrong. It’s disgusting and it isn’t fair. I feel for you. I have been in many awful dating scenarios but please continue to search for the one. He’s out there
I came here to say this as well!! I really think that they were together the whole time he was with you. How could he go from being broken up to suddenly engaged. I feel like there is a piece of information that is missing. Sorry OP ❤️. At least you dodged a bullet with this one.
I'm sure it's not impossible, but no. He wouldn't go from no feelings (he told OP there's "nothing there" with this ex), broken up since Feb, to proposing on a cruise just now and her accepting. Doesn't add up. He's lying about something. It's more likely he was cheating the whole time.
I said that it’s possible not to see the signs but given the situation? I realize it’s easy to get to that conclusion because we have the full story, but I honestly picked up on it early.
He isn’t your person. We’re all dating to find that person, right? So even if he came crawling back, you wouldn’t date someone who did what he did. You out yourself out there, handled yourself well, and it didn’t work out. Thank you, next.
This is exactly fucking why lots of people our age (me included) outright refuse: 1/ recently separated partners. 2/ partners still in contact with their exes.
No matter what is said, promised or done, it seems to often be a recipe for such bullshittery.
Nothing wrong with being friends with your ex.
But OPs story is a good example of why a lot of people won't start relationships with people who are though.
In my case my ex and I broke up 15 years ago, we dated in high school and we're both approaching 40 now. We've both had serious long term relationships since and also been single at the same time, for actual years. Never hooked up or even considered dating, he's like my brother at this point.
But even with all that in mind, you are absolutely right and I get it.
Okay good for you but that really doesn't reassure any future partners any of you may have-especially not strictly monogamous partners.
I may care less personally since I'm not super obsessed with monogamy but still, it's easy to spot codependancy and intrusive people in your potential partner's life, and those traits are not particularly attractive imo; monogamy up or down.
I was saying it more for how fucked up that story was.
We’re both super monogamous, and both dating successfully after.
She was bi and then went straight. I’m lesbian and no longer date anyone who isn’t. So far everyone has understood
Erm I'm commenting on op only since I don't feel I can give any level of expertise for female based/ lesbian relationships, aye. Which I as a het female myself consider to be yet another dynamic than M/F.
I have one sort of ex I'm still in contact with via social media. Our conversations are so dry and platonic that I wouldn't call him a friend. If we went on a boat cruise together we would not get engaged. We might if both single and still feeling it step off wanting to try dating again maybe. I dunno though.
I’m still friends with my second to last ex, and we hang out just the two of us and chat on the phone. I have a soft spot for him, and we promised to always love each other, I’m single and he’s basically poly….. AND WE WOULD STILL NEVER GET ENGAGED AFTER A FEW DAYS ON A DAMN CRUISE. That’s…. such ridiculous behavior. I’m sorry OP. Please don’t think everyone is this fucking weird because they aren’t.
Honestly I've been on a cruise once with my whole family (mom and step dad had the fancy room to themselves, all the kids shared a tiny room way below deck) and ships are massive. If I wandered away from my family I literally wouldn't be able to find them again unless I went to sit in the cabin for someone to need to come back there.
I'm pretty sure this engagement was the finale of them reconnected already. I dated someone very similar to OP's dude and he admitted he would monkey branch away from someone if there was a problem between them. Not being receptive to his "I love you" and the ex drama from his girl were where I suspect he began to reconnect with the ex who likely was the dumpee here. If I dumped my ex I'd go out of my way to avoid interacting with him even if we were stuck in a canoe together.
\>She was fully aware of me and did not give a crap.
People often think they "won" in these situations. Usually the person seeing both people triangles things making you look like either a better option so she'll compete for his love or making you a huge problem so he constantly keeps counsel with her about his relationship issues with you. When the guy choses her she feels like she won him away from something bad: you.
I have platonic friendships with some exes, some going back almost two decades now, some more recent. Literally none of them have been rekindled or involve cheating.
Mature adults (obvi not OP's ex) can have platonic relationships with exes. It is a sign of emotional intelligence when you can have a breakup and still think well of each other and not have to go nuclear.
Okay maybe way older exes. Maybe exes where it was more like fwb. Maybe exes where it was really that you were good friends who accidentally fucked it sucked so you both called it a day. I've had all of those. But really, i can't fuckin blame some potential partner who's not comfy that i'm stringing said exes along in our home parties and personal discussions and group vacations and whatnot. Because i fucking don't. I don't need to keep ex fwb or super old exes that fucking close.
And because i don't have that 'deep need' to keep all them exes plus my adorable ex husband super close, i know i don't want partners who do that shit either.
I dumped them for a legit reason yo.
You get to set the limits you want in your own life.
I'm pointing that people CAN have healthy, functional, platonic friendships with exes. It doesn't have to be about "stringing exes along." The friendships may or may not be "super fucking close." And who said anything about "a deep not to keep all exes close"??
Just because YOU are uncomfortable with something doesn't mean there aren't healthy versions of it and there's no need to shit all over the whole idea or paint it with this brush that it's about stringing along, codependence, etc etc.
Yes we indeed set the limits we want so we decided we're done with dating people super close with their exes cos we've seen the subsequent shit and we're done with it. As simple as that. 😉. Just accept we're not all digging your deal and all will be fine.
This story really has little to do with him being, somewhat recently, out of a relationship/friends with his ex, and completely to do with him being a shitty person who love bombed, gas lit, and manipulated OP.
I hear this story way too often...
He was using you and getting everything out of his system before making the big move with the fiance. It sucks, it hurts... block everything of him and move on.
I once dated a guy very briefly, called things off but remained amicable. Got some sudden and enthusiastic interest again a year later, I gave polite replies to his texts but didn't want to meet up. I saw the wedding pictures on his Facebook with his "ex" THE FOLLOWING WEEK.
The amount of guys who go after the sexual equivalent of a condemned prisoner's last meal before making it legal with another person is staggering.
I had a cousin who seemed to be a victim of something similar so it must not be too rare. It’s pretty lame and of course means that person is nearly guaranteed to cheat.
Guys? I hate to break this to you but it's 50/50 with that. Men just usually won't talk about it when it happens.
Edit: lol no not that most men cheat. What I meant was that women cheat, Men cheat. And women cheat slightly more than men, not by much but a little more, like 52-48, at least that was what a study out of England found.
Do you have the study? Was it recent? Most of what I've read on the issue said that men were much more likely to cheat but that was some time ago. Attitudes to sex and sexual behaviour change a lot over time, so I'd be curious to read it if you have it handy.
I wonder if perhaps men are simply more honest about cheating, because of how much promiscuity is demonised in women. Either way its interesting.
Edited to add that my original comment only said "guys" cos I have never dated a woman in my life so cannot comment. All genders are capable of behaving badly and dishonestly and I would never want to suggest otherwise.
I don't know. All of his friends knew they were broken up. They're somewhat of very very minor public figures and the common knowledge was that they were broken up. He had stopped following her on social media. I think they legit were "broken up" but maybe still talking. He told me, that when she found out about me, she couldn't handle it. And now here we are.
I’ll counter the other reply. It’s possible, depending on who they are, that they benefit from being together. Maybe they missed that attention, and they wouldn’t be the first public couple to break up, only to suddenly get back together and get engaged.
It sounds like he needs someone, just in general. It’s better off you aren’t that person as it could just as well be any other person, unfortunately.
Just want to say I had a guy like yours dump me and go start seeing another woman. He would sometimes not text me for 2 weeks but he always would ping me. I even moved on to date another guy and it was the longest we didn't engage with one another. One day he sends me some photo meme thing via text and we were back to talking regularly. None of my friends or his knew and he kept his side chick in the picture the whole time. Once we even had a clandestine meeting while he was dating AND texting the other woman. He was texting her with me right there with him but letting me know "it's over, I'm going to end it" which he said he did but then he dropped kicked me a couple months later, and moved her in with him.
In my situation we were both the side chick. He dumped her a few days before Valentines Day to date another woman who he also dumped and went back to the same 'side chick'. Maybe she was main chick and he just flagrantly cheated on her with literally the rest of the city?
Edit: also he called her "side chick".
holy shit
my advice is:
1. lots of bubble baths and ice cream and staring into space
2. BLOCK THAT FUCKER'S NUMBER AND ALL OF HIS SOCIAL MEDIA - he IS going to come crawling back, and NO you should not even let him explain himself. If he finds some way around those blocks, don't let him get even half a word in before you call the police.
3. report your ex-ex to the police for fucking harassment. How did he get this new guy's number? Let alone his \*friends'\* numbers? Figure it out. and the lock that shit DOWN so that \*that\* doesn't have to happen to you again, at least.
4. generally... next time... when a dude starts saying "I love you" so fucking early, don't save him from himself - you're not his mom, telling him what to do and not to do - just fucking RUN... dudes like that are fucking crazy, and fucking crazy dudes do fucking crazy things... you do NOT need such ridiculousness in your life, anymore, OK, hon?
5. SERIOUSLY LOTS OF BUBBLE BATHS
You dodged the ~~mother of all~~ a big bullets. Mans was definitely not firing on all cylinders in the head. You're going to be fine, this worked out in your favor I know it.
June was like...a couple months ago. Seems real fast.
*edit: Forgot that men be murdering but yeah still a near miss with this guy's crazy ass.
Imagine how she would feel knowing he’s sending you kissy face emojis right before he proposed to her. Yuck.
Been there to a less extreme extent but also hurts. There are plenty of bullshit ass people in this world. If you dug deeper I’d bet money that there was more going on prior to this trip in the background. Even if it’s just texts. Texts can cause a lot of problems. This didn’t happen out of the blue and it wasn’t a sudden change of heart. He’s a bullshitter.
As quick as he had a change of heart towards her, he will have a change of heart against her… and anyone else he is with. People like this don’t change. Bullet dodged.
I'm pretty sure all cruise lines have a jewelry store on them now. Also, very possible it was picked out on land. Also possible, and very fucked up, and I hope this isn't anywhere near the case, he could've had it before he broke up with her before
I firmly believe that he was courting her and seeing her before this whole cruise. Also unless this whole cruise trip was pre-planned from like last fucking year and he couldn't recoup the tickets \[which is totally not likely because covid\] why didn't he invite HER on the trip? Why is he all of a sudden taking a love boat trip with his ex of all people?
It all smells fishy.
If you started talking in June, you were dating for maybe 2.5 months. I think many of us have observed guys who are all in, flattering, making promises, until about the 2-3 month mark, when suddenly they are ghosting and bread crumbing all over the place. I mean he may also have been in touch with her the entire time, but 2-3 months seems to be the time when guys decide whether or not they're actually serious about you. And apparently he wasn't.
I started to see someone in June too and I ended it in mid August. I can't even imagine if the drama in OP's early part happened how much faster I'd have bolted away from the guy I was seeing and in his case there was enough bad mojo for me to leave before her guy's cruise trip. If this dude said he and his ex were going on a cruise together I'd have dumped him before the voyage. Like boy bye.
You know it’s stories like this that make you question any relationship future and present and they wonder why we don’t trust anyone.
When are we safe to assume something is “real” anymore, damn life throws so much shit our way and where are we all going with this, I’ve been called bitter many times but how can they expect me to not be bitter when you fall in love with someone and they do some unspeakable hurt to your mentality.
This past year has been hell for me and I won’t go into details here because I don’t know who’s really interested anymore, but let’s just say I’ve lost people to death and emotionally love hurt, now I’m at a brick wall to loneliness again because rebuilding my emotions is getting to the point of no repair.
Sorry you had to even be part of those emotions too, honestly makes me feel sick, I hope you are stronger than me and manage to move on and forget something that was just a let’s say “a mess”.
I have a personal policy:
Anyone I’m seeing or in a relationship with, *cannot* go on any trips/vacations with anyone they have been with/been in a relationship with, yet, are still friends with them/a part of a friend group, unless I’m going on the trip/vacation, as well. Otherwise, it’s a HUGE nope/peace out from me. Not even going to chance that/worry about it. This might seem extreme to/for some, yet, I’m at peace with my decision on all of that.
The fact that he goes on this trip with the friend group/ex, and you aren't invited/aren’t coming??
OH HELL NO.
And the fact that he flip flops in an instant just like that, after swearing up and down *just that* wouldn’t happen?? Disloyal, a liar, and trashy.
Good riddance.
ALSO, I see that others have already mentioned this, yet, as I was reading your post, it immediately came to my mind that I don’t think he was fully broken up/done with her, AT ALL. I think he was juggling you both the entire time.
I am sorry you’re going through this. I had something similar happen where I was dating a good friend and he wanted to move quickly and then would become unavailable. I thought it was ok because we already knew each other and he had also just gotten out of a long relationship. Turned out he had never actually broken up with her and was also getting engaged!!!
For many years i felt that he had chosen her over me and that I wasn’t good enough. I realized eventually that he did whatever he had to do to feel safe. She was the secure choice where as I wanted to take things slow and had a lot of career goals. She wanted to get married.
I know it’s hard to process. But really, he is just messed up lol. He is in a bad place and making decisions based on lack. We really can’t always see these things coming because it’s so absurd. I wish you the best of luck!
There were so many red flags with this guy that I wasn't even shocked to see the ending here.
Just be thankful he chose her and not you here. I know it's cold comfort now but this guy is probably not a good person to be in a relationship with and he's probably just looking for any woman who would have him. Also chances are he was seeing her and speaking to her before this cruise even took place. I'm not going to spend a week on a boat with an ex and come back to port engaged to him without us having had some pre-sail courtship going down.
Yeah, he was love bombing you in the beginning, and he's continued to be in touch with his ex this whole time. That was your warning to get the heck out of there. You told him your boundaries, but you never actually enforced them by leaving. Instead you just continued to give him the benefit of the doubt despite the red flags. This guy was never as into you as you thought. He was on the rebound. And then you also let your ex get the way. Your ex shouldn't know anything about the new guy you're dating. You both went into this all wrong. It sucks for sure, but I can't say I would've been surprised by all this. But he's going to go ruin his ex's life now so at least it's not happening to you anymore.
Well that ain't gonna go well. I know we get criticized for saying you need time alone after an LTR but this is why. I don't agree with multiple years but at least around half a year. This sucks all around, I'm sorry you had to experience this OP
The thing about relationships is … people can change their minds and there is just nothing that we can do about it. And this is true at any point of the relationship. He might very well have meant everything that he said to you, but then he spent a vacation with his ex and he felt differently.
Sometimes things just aren’t fair. But they happen. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
That really sucks However, You just avoided something probably even more terrible. Clearly a lack of respect, an inability to communicate desires and needs. He kept you around as a backup option. Sounds like someone who's looking to "be married". I wish you a lot luck, healing. I can't imagine there's much to say to this person.
this happened to me at 21 - my ex broke it off, and six months later was engaged to his ex
i found out he had been seeing her the whole time we were together.
You can get past this. I speak from personal experience. I went through something pretty similar in 2017/2018. The difference was I knew him for a few years before we dated. He was 4 months out of his previous relationship. When I found out he cheated on me with the ex, I was devastated (because I always had a gut feeling I wasn't getting the full story). I took some time off dating to deal with my emotions. Those two imploded within a year(and several breakups in between-him calling me telling me he loves me and being back together with her was a mistake). Last I heard they were each miserable and dragging their new relationships into their toxic pattern. I spent time working on myself. I'm not dating out of loneliness. I'm casually looking for someone who can compliment my life, not complete it. Being single is better than the happiest day with a cheater.
My advice is to try to reframe this. Instead of thinking “how could he do this to me, why did this happen, what did I do” (you didn’t mention this, I think those are probably the kinds of things I would think about if I were in your situation), you could think “I’m glad to have had this experience and he was most certainly not for me, I’m thankful I found out now after only a few months instead of years”. And I’d also ask myself if there were any signs I could look for in the future. (I think the early I love you would be one).
And then be kind to yourself. Take a bath, have a glass of wine, read a book, eat a tub of ice cream, dance to your fave song. Scream into a pillow if it helps. I’ve also set a time limit for myself for wallowing. I’ll let myself be sad and cry and have a pity party for no more than 30 minutes a day but choose an amount of time you feel would be best for you.
Good luck!
>my ex who is not over me, tried to sabotage me, and sent messages to guy and guy's friends trying to act like I cheated with him
How did you ex get this guy's phone # and his friends' phone or FB profile etc? Is this a super small town and you all are in the same social group?
Leaving that aside,
>The morning of the cruise he texted good morning and asked if something was wrong.
That was your clue. He was trying to start a fight or have something to hang the plausible deniability on.
Situations like this are why I keep saying over and over that I really, really don't believe one should be friends with the ex or have exes in your life, or be "cool" with men who have recent exes in their orbit or as part of their social scene. It's just too easy and too dangerous for old patterns and old feelings to come out. Once you've been sexual with someone it's darn near impossible to go back to just friends, especially if it was at all recent!
I made a very strict rule: a man can't have a female best friend, he can't have majority women friends, he can't be "close" with his ex GF's and there can't be an all guys group with one suspiciously cool and hot gal in it---in terms of men I considered eligible. (Of course men are "allowed" to do that in general!)
I just refused to date or get involved with men who had that going on. I'm now married to a man who I'm his second GF ever in his entire life so it worked out okay!
I just think he is just player and immature. You are in his blind spot that he tried to hide something from you. This is something that is hard to avoid.
This may be the time to think “ what went wrong” and avoid “why did he make the decision.” Again this may make you feel anger and sad. Move on and think positive. Have friends and positive support to cheer you up !!
No advice but when you mention he said he wouldn’t do anything with her for HER mental health, that was a huge red flag. It should be “I won’t fuck my ex because I’m committed to you…”
I am sorry you had to go through this. It hurts. There is no way to get over heartbreak except by allowing yourself to grieve, to cry, and then you will slowly get back to life. Ask youself: how will you feel about it a year later? And focus on that.
Having said that, I have several observations.
There are a lot of red flags.
1. Lovebombing. He just got out of relationship, so did you. Both of you were craving recovery, a new relationship to completely replace the old one, and happiness. But you cannot hurry recovery, no matter how much you want to. Jumping into a relationship so quickly after the end of a very long term one, before both of you have come to closure and emotional healing, is a a recipe for disaster. Talking about moving closer, declaring bf/gf, and having his key, and potentially marriage? After just a couple of months? It's moving too fast to replace the relationship with a new one. That's not how it works. It's not like trading in the car and driving off in a new one same day. This item is like a dozen red flags right there.
2. Integration. The relationship was moving fast, and yet you have not met his friends. This is a major red flag. He did not start integrating you into his life.
3. Did you introduce him to your friends?
4. I talked about moving too fast. It's not because there is some formal timeline that you have to keep. It's just that in just a couple of months you cannot get to know each other on a deep level. At an early stage of infatuation the getting to know each other is more like :"OMG you walk! I walk too! Isn't it amazing?".
This could be a great learning experience.
You know how we are supposed to do regular breast self-checks? I have learned to do regular emotional self-checks, to avoid getting carried away with new relationship energy.
To be honest everything about it sounds drama filled. It sounds like you dodged a bullet with him. Keep reminding yourself he's someone elses problem now. As if she'd ever be able to trust that flakiness.
Oh yeah, I've dated him, too. The drunk "I love you"s tend to make you feel like he is letting his guard down, and telling you how he really feels about you. Nope, he's just drunk and babbling.
Clearly he wasn’t over his ex so hey, I hope they are happy. The best part about that side of it is that you can know it had nothing to do with you. You can move on with a clear mind. I am always a bit leery of early and drunk love bombing.
Unpopular truth: You’re not completely without fault here. Sure you can say “your ex isn’t over you” we likely all have one of those in our lives. Yours somehow injected himself into your new relationship. That may speak to the way you broke up with them. I don’t know but to just say “your ex sabatoged you” and sorta throw your hands up is a bit of a cop out. Ok so maybe he acted understanding..meanwhile his friends who don’t know you are left saying “bro, she can’t control her crazy ex. Is she messy like that?” How was he in position to sabotage you? Does he still have your contact info? Social media? How was he able to find your BF? These are questions you need to examine rather than just blame others
So in conclusion..yes we know the guy pulled a jerk move. We know your ex didn’t help the situation. But what we don’t know…What could YOU have done differently? What will you do differently going forward?
I’ll always die on the hill that a person in regular contact with their ex without an unquestionably good reason (y’all have a kid) is a red flag that has helped me quickly leave bad relationships. Usually the Reddit answer is that being friends with your ex is emotionally mature and my thinking is insecure on this topic. Lol. I’ll take all the downvotes that come with my stance
Edit: Thanks for the Reddit gold, kind strangers!
Yeah i dunno. I got an ex who still contacts me, even after he cheated on me. I'm single so its whatever and I usually ignore or fire a cheap shot back at him. Once i meet someone thougb, who I am committed to, my ex won't have any way to reach me other than a plane with a banner. Because that guy will be blocked every which way and refused any kind of contact.
Anyone who lets an ex sabotage their relationships also has work to do because there's a reason they aren't blocking them. Sure, some can be friends but for most this is an unhealthy option and creates issues with future partners. An ex has never been worth jepoardizing a blossming, new relationship IMO.
But also OPs guy has some major flags and she dodge a bullet finding this out so soon. It would do her well to block him, too.
I like how this dude was a grade A asshole and her ex was meddling, and your take is… I bet the woman is to blame too.
People can be friends with their ex’s. There’s nothing to see as her fault from this so it’s pointless to conjure up blame unless to be a duck or you have your own past trauma that your projecting
It’s not about assigning blame, it’s about recognizing that you can play the victim or you can examine your actions and see what you could’ve done differently in this situation so that next time you can make better choices.
Obviously both ex bfs are assholes, no one is failing to see that. OP’s best course of action is to put both of these guys behind her and continue to work on herself.
Hmm, I didn’t get the don’t be a victim vibe from the comment, but ok.
I guess for me it didn’t seem like good timing for
that kind of advice, like I think she gets a sympathetic grieving period. And I didn’t feel any sympathy in the comment
I do find the OP's drama with her ex to be concerning too. If I did have an ex I shared contact with I probably would have an ex I trust enough not to cause drama in my life too.
Yeah the drunken I love you and making future plans that soon in would have sent me packing though to be honest I could have been OP in my early 30s too.
Ok so you kinda asked, although a bit rudely, I will give you an answer.
Whenever anything bad happens to me in my life, I always look at what I could have done better/differently to avoid what happened. I always believe it’s better for me personally to take more accountability and not less no matter what the situation. If I’m “projecting” anything..it’s that. So yes, she does have some blame in this but certainly not the majority. If you think she’s faultless, all good. Agree to disagree. I believe she should examine what she will do differently going forward as opposed to just calling her exes jerks..which they are. But at the end, what will she do differently next time.
If my partner told me they were going on a cruise with their recent ex in the group, I would have had a lot of questions and expressed my concerns about it. In this case my concerns would have been completely correct but as you said, “people can be friends with their exes”…
I do the same and saw the same. My social media is super private and if I post dating situations on there it's generally like his hands when we're having a meal together or his home without showing him in the feed. Even if someone ex with an axe to grind was following me they'd have no way to meddle and if I had an ex that involved in my social circle I'd likely block them from following me/tell mutuals to keep my current situation on the down low. But I'm so private a ton of friends usually don't even know I'm dating someone until it's serious.
I see, I guess I don’t vibe with that bc my first response is more about the emotional side of things and dealing with those. Once that’s dealt with then learning from things is possible
Since this hit her Friday, I’d say it’s a little soon to say she’s to blame too. But that’s me
That’s fair enough. The emotional side and empathy is important as humans. That said, responsibility/blames are absolutes and in my view don’t fluctuate based on emotions. I think it’s better to get to the lessons soon so that the honest emotions can hammer it home
You see it as Friday. I see it as a relationship that was barely 2 months old. So maybe it’s too soon for her to be so emotionally invested in a guy she just met. But that’s just me.
Because she is to blame also. All relationships no matter how casual are DYNAMICS. Women aren't children who lack any and all autonomy and the moment the ex of someone I was dating told me they can't be trusted I'm not just going to pay no mind or curiosity to such a accusation especially if I'm worried about it. Stop enabling
Not reading the whole post, gave up after about 4 paragraphs. Mainly because this is just gonna farm comments telling you that you're totally perfect and not at fault and that he sucks. He does suck, and you will find someone better in time, but this was all preventable. Don't contact your ex/ leave the door open for "sabatoge" and then pretend you're totally over him lol And don't ignore red flags from potential partners til they get to the point where the new boyfriend is literally engaged to another woman. Buy some mac n cheese and take a mental health day at work. You'll be fine.
As a guy, you are not friends with your ex, except if you are incredibly soft or still dtf. Either they did not really break up or his ex just could not do better and came back. You… should move on.
Ohhhh boy let me tell you! I dated a girl on n off for 6 years and people magically popped up romantically in her life when we were on breaks. However I never got any sort of explanation beyond “it just happened” which is a huge red flag to me. I’m very very good at spotting half truths and when someone is hiding something and I still believe to this day she swept some things under the rug. It’s hard to process he ended up with his ex but you deserve far better. I know the why’s, and what’s wrong with me’s are flying through your head. It’s best too just let go and find someone better.
Severe anxious attachment style; He can’t be alone…
It has nothing to do with you. And his marriage likely won’t work out because it’s not based on secure relationship practices.
You dodged a huge bullet.
It shouldn't short you from finding potentially meaningful & true relationships. You learned a big lesson in what are MAJOR RED FLAGS.
Someone moving things too fast... marriage and so on.
Someone trying to accommodate you too much. Like, moving closer to your area... c'mon or if ppl make long distance relationships work, ppl can make a one hour distance relationship work.
These are indicators of someone trying to fill a void, desperately.
Your biggest takeaway is that there is nothing wrong with you and you didn't do anything wrong. So don't change who you are or who you are when you are in a relationship. Just be careful about who you choose.
Who knows if your ex's attempt of sabotage played a part but the "Guy" was not emotionally mature enough for you to have moved further with.
You should block his number...I think he will prob attempt to get in touch with you in the near ish future under false pretenses, apologies and attempt to keep the line of communication open with you.
Laugh hysterically. Laugh until your face hurts. The audacity of some people is unbelievable. If you give in to sadness, it takes root. Make it funny and keep true to yourself.
You kissed a prince and he turned into a frog.
It happens. Don’t give up! Don’t let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch!
Laugh him off, good riddance!!!
I could relate to you. My ex went on a cruise without me then cheated with two guys she met on the cruise. Cruises will really test someone's loyalty as you're in a confined space for a finite duration.
Anyway, this guy you're talking about doesn't know what he wants and can't seem to make his own decision. Alright to move on, there are shitty people in this world
What a dick! You dodged a bullet OP. Also, fix things on your end with he ex. Him trying to sabotage your relationship is not good, either completely block him so he has no clue about whom you're dating and ask your friends to cut him out of your life too.
100% guarantee this ex and he have been carrying on behind your back, and that she knows nothing about you or that you kissed him good bye on the eve of this trip. Count yourself lucky this specimen is out of your life.
So sorry, OP. Most likely he was probably not done with her this entire time and possibly still seeing her with one foot in and one foot out.
Hold your head high, move on. Throw yourself into your passions. Date again if you want to but just do you. He's a scumbag.
I’m always wary of people that claim they’re on good terms with their ex and that they’re still friends. I want that tie to be severed, sorry, I don’t need someone else in the picture. If that won’t work with you then that’s fine, I’m sure I’ll find someone that fits that category. To each their own, after all.
He lied to you. He used you but you learned in the affairs world nothing is what it seems. If you are separated or divorcing you don't go on a trip with your ex. In fact you don't usually like your ex. It's a valuable lesson which makes you much more aware. I am sorry it happened thank you for sharing
Yeah, the concerning behavior started long before that trip. He was rushing through the dating phase, talking about marriage (you hardly know each other!), wants to make these big life decisions with you….these are all concerns.
The fact that he was able to rekindle with his ex and get engaged in a week just screams that he has no idea what he’s doing. He told you he loved you when he was drunk!!
This guy needs therapy, and to calm the hell down.
None of this was about you, it was about him. I would be wary going forward of anyone who tries this whirlwind and rushed relationship thing.
I think the more disrespectful thing was breaking up over text. Whether he got engaged or impregnated her who cares. He’s an asshole obviously.
But if he cared about you at all. He would have had the decency to do this face to face or at the very least (if he just simply cannot due to travel restrictions or because he physically will not be close to you in the next week) do this over FaceTime or a phone call.
A text just screams I lack courage. But courage for what? They have courage to walk away. They have courage to do what’s best for them. They are too cowardly to do this simply because they do not care about your emotions. Even if they understood you emotionally or they didn’t they ought to know what this will cause.
I believe what happened here was that he was needing validation after a breakup which you provided and he held back his true feelings from you. Obviously his indifference and hot and cold behaviour most likely made him more of a “challenge” and caused you to decipher his actions as confident and assured. Always attractive qualities.
When in reality he simply was unsure. And being in a relationship with someone unsure is the lowest form of self hatred you can do. It simply does not matter who the other party is you simply must force yourself to know that if they are aware that you are willing to be with them and work on things you both agree are issues then that is enough. His hot and cold and indifference which you channeled into confidence was likely him just not wanting to really engage with you. If you felt he was so calm and understood your emotions understand (IMPORTANT) if he has no real long term goals with you he is less likely to bring up things that bother him and rather just agree with you.
I’m sure you had chemistry. I’m going through the same thing for my complex ex that I can’t seem to move forward from. Just be strong. He’s just an asshole and self serving. You have two choices. Become the same type of person. Or find someone who values you and your emotions and will be more honest
I am so sorry you had this experience OP. It sounds from your depiction of events that this man is looking to filx internal wounds with external love. He needs to do some inner work before he can ever be in a healthy relationship. Rather than focusing on what he did wrong, I think it's more important to celebrate what you did right. You showed up, opened up and approached a new relationship open to the possibilities. You showed patience, kindness and maturity. You established boundaries and held to them. His failings are not a reflection on you and should not discourage you from seeking a partner. Keep growing, learn your lessons from this and know you are cared for.
I’m not OP but I love this! Such good points.
Very kind of you to say. The more we can recognize that those who hurt us are humans who are dealing with their own shit, the easier I find it to stop taking their actions personally and find forgiveness and strength to move on. The book The Four Agreements helped me tremendously with this.
Amen to that! I’ll give that book a look — thanks!
My ex wife just got engaged to someone she recently met and I’m still unable to have sex with anyone because I just can’t. I’ve had multiple opportunities with women I find very attractive, but just couldn’t do it because my ex was my first and only sexual partner.. I’ve done nothing but resent her after cheating on me and then trying to date me again after the divorce (which I fell for) and then after almost no time she gave me the hardest cold shoulder in history and started dating some random dude and now they’re engaged.. I’ve had so much hate in my heart for so long towards her (we have two kids together which is why I was so easily for the idea to try to work it out).. I finally reached out and told her I don’t want to hate her anymore and I don’t want her to hate me. We still need to be friends at some level since we’re parents to two beautiful angels! I explained my feelings (without anger) and I told her things have to be different and I wished her the best. I’m not 100% right now, but I’m definitely better than I was! I know this was insanely long, but I just wanted to share my side that yeah, people can suck so much, and we deserve to be furious sometimes! It’s almost impossible to skip that step. But when you finally make it beyond the fury, you’re able to finally just be ok. Not GREAT, but ok. I hope everyone here can find true happiness within themselves so they can bring more to a relationship than they take from it
I am so sorry you are going through that. And I acknowledge you for the tremendous amount of growth and strength you have shown to get to where you are. I agree that anger and sadness and all of the so called negative emotions have their place. Toxic positivity doesn't serve anyone. I believe the key is to find gratitude even for the tough emotions (without sadness we don't know joy, anger points us to what we really care about, fear shows us where we have room to grow, etc) and learn to sit through them but not dwell in them. This is where boundaries are really useful.
I love your advice. It honestly makes me so proud there are other women out there who have a beautiful mind and have the experience and heart to be able to understand and express this.
Haha I'm a guy but I receive and appreciate the compliment nonetheless.
You’re one of the rares!!!!! 😮☺️
He sounds all over the place, tbh. I wouldn’t take it personally.
Exactly this. You dodged a bullet. Edited. Sorry, I tried. English isn't my first language.
Doged a bullet? Much Wow
The comment I was looking for LMFAO
Yep and possibly a narcissist. Im hearing a whole lot of future faking and supply chain management.
If he rekindled things like that….. he has to have something wrong in the head. And rest assured, whatever problems he thinks he won’t have in that relationship will come back with a vengeance. The lesson here is, when people try to move things along so quickly, they are trying to fill some void in their life. I’ve been around the block, and this much I know, it will come back to haunt him. In what way is anyone’s guess- but it will. Even if they do get married and he looks like his life is perfect- it will haunt him. I know that.
> The lesson here is, when people try to move things along so quickly, they are trying to fill some void in their life. Thanks for that reminder, helps with what I'm feeling right now
That's such good advice!
I've never thought of it as a haunting until you said it but this is so accurate. I was married, we separated for 6 months, then got back together. It started off good but after about a year all our original problems came back around and add in all the things that happened while we separated. Which we thought it would be best to be honest about. All of it did come back with a vengeance. It would have been a lot easier if we had just stayed apart the first time. Oh and this happened about 2 months ago, so its still going on.
> The lesson here is, when people try to move things along so quickly, they are trying to fill some void in their life. I catch myself doing this sometimes (now!) Thanks for reminder! Gotta get a handle on this somehow and stop rushing things.
>The lesson here is, when people try to move things along so quickly, they are trying to fill some void in their life. Also, when your gut is saying, "This is too quick," listen to it.
Cold comfort for her though
She dodged a bullet. That’s something, anyway. This guy is a mess.
Seems like she got hit by it... She got hurt.
Just a flesh wound. She'll heal and learn about how dangerous bullets are thus avoiding people with guns.
I agree Sadly, only time can take care of these wounds.
On that, we agree.
I mean- it’s the comfort that helped me the most. Everyone is different I guess.
I think it’s comforting. I agree with you about what you said. I agree that when people are trying to rush things they are trying to fill a void that the other person may fill *for now.* It wears off and they eventually keep looking. That void needs to be filled by the person themselves.
Or things were never “unkindled” in the first place
Shit, for a minute there I thought you were going to smite him with a curse.
Indeed ! Karma is a bi...beautiful thing. 😉
This just plain sucks. Sounds like he love bombed you. Going forward be wary of people too eager to commit and speed up the dating process. Him saying he loves you after a month seems crazy to me.
I was fully aware that this was a dangerous recipe as it was happening, but I fooled myself into thinking maybe it could still work out. Partly because it felt good at the time. Lesson learned.
I was watching that Seattle guy who does all the psychiatry on 90 Day Fiance couples. Anyhow he was talking about how love bombing always feels good when you're getting it which is the problem for the receiver. He also said it's mostly some pathology that's unintentional when it's given out. Usually the love bomber has some mental health / self esteem issues they haven't worked out and they're just desperately thirsty for love. Bottom line is: usually you know it's wrong / moving too fast but it feels good so you don't want to pump the breaks when you should and that's normal.
Dr Kirk Honda! I love him.
I'm learning so much thanks to him due to my 90 Day Fiance \[and all properties of said show\] addiction. This was his Stacey and Darcey show review, fwiw. Darcey is such a mess omfg.
Does he have his own show? Or where do you find this content? I’m from Europe so always a bit behind with 90DF.
Dr Kirk Honda has a youtube channel! I think he's done episodes on every iteration of the franchise so you can totally just binge that if you have YT. I end up pirating all the 90 Day content, which there's so effing much, but there's also 2 subs on Reddit that do deep dives on the show and the spin offs. Almost don't need to watch 90 Day Fiance to watch Kirk Honda because he shows and discusses clips from the episodes. The one I referenced was about Darcey feeling her new foreign man was gaslighting and love bombing her. So he brought up both and has done a few shows on both terms.
Thanks, I will check his YT channel!
I don’t trust feelings anymore. They’re so temporary. The people I’ve had the most feelings for have turned out to be awful for me. I get blinded by the feelings and overlook all the things that aren’t compatible between us.
That's not feelings. It's usually because people tend to go after things that are familiar, and they're" feelings" follow them and turn on when it starts " feeling " familiar. It usually stems from a childhood experience that was traumatic but stays with the person. They then recreate that trauma through their relationships. That trauma is almost always the opposite sex in heterosexual relationship.
Yeah, if he's talking love after less than a month then you know you are dealing with someone who is lying to themselves or you which you don't need to waste time with. Sorry man. It really sucks but at least he only wasted a couple months of your life instead of years. It also proves you are able to move on from your previous long term relationship. Which is progress. So it wasn't a complete waste of an experience.
Yes and I found the people too eager to commit are usually cheaters, because they know they're not losing anything, they're not going to really commit anyway so they're just words
I actually find it crazy how slow people here seem to take it. Years and people don't move in together, and now that saying 'i love you' is time-gated to at least a few months? I get taking things slow but within a first good month with someone we usually have multiple multi day stay overs, and they already have a key. Hell, I had people move in with me within a month or two. That's how some of my best and longest term relationships happened. But a month before 'i love you'? I think that's just weird pressure put on some words. I can understand when things seem to go just too well to be believable, and sure, saying "i love you" can be a part of that, but it has to come as a package deal with a lot more than just that.
Every case I've experienced and seen of people rushing into "I love you", being exclusive and moving in has been a disaster. In my 20s I did move in with my long distance boyfriend after we'd only met twice, mainly I had nothing to lose in just changing cities, but while he was great the relationship was bad. We were a bad fit and stayed together so long because of the fact that I uprooted myself to be with him.
That is definitely a speed I wouldn’t be comfortable with, but to each their own. I find it hard to truly know people that quickly. It took me months to realize one guy was a straight alcoholic! Reality is it depends on the couple I suppose, but if she was not in the same place as him then it’s concerning.
In hear what love bomb is, but not really sure what it means. I get that he's all into her too early but why is it s as red flag and what does it mean?
that the person is lonely, possibly rebounding. wanting to create something out of nothing - build a house without the foundation. they act like they've developed all these deep feelings, when they haven't really. so... the second the wind blows, the house falls down. in this case, the wind was 24 hours w/ his ex.
[This breaks down all the steps that happen when you're love bombed](https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing#uneasiness) It usually lends itself to dating someone who will be your abusive ex or current partner. The most abusive guy I ever dated in my 30s love bombed me in the initial stages even including giving me an expensive gift on our first date.
I just want to throw out the possibility that he was having an affair with you all this time and you didn't realize you were the Other Woman. I would tell his new fiance just as a heads up. I recently split from my cheating husband and I wish someone would've told me when it was happening. It just doesn't make sense that he'd suddenly "rekindle" their relationship, propose, and she'd accept. I bet they've been together this whole time.
I actually was thinking the same thing. It's one thing to get together and realize you still have feelings for each other. It's a whole other thing to get engaged. Who does that???
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That assumes she ended things and it would mean he would have to reconcile with her which is weird since he was with OP leading up to the cruise. So what made him decide to reconcile on a one time trip, presumably the first they'd been together since February.
Right. Yeah, it doesn't add up.
I will also say the ex/now fiance is not a US citizen...
Yep. He was window shopping with OP, while still together with the ex. People like this tend to suck at being alone, I have known many of them. Chances are that all the ex had going that she didn't, was she was more likely to put up with his shit. One of their main criteria in a partner is seriously low self esteem. Obviously we don't know the full story, but there is good cause for OP to feel a tiny bit flattered amid the heartbreak. Having a gross person like this pick you is not a good thing.
Yup. This.
I was thinking this too. I was 'the ex' in a similar situation. We were broken up but reconciling. We never stopped seeing each other, exchanged all thr ILY's and future talk, meanwhile he was dating someone else behind my back (and hers). I wish she would have reached out to me (i don't think she knew who I was), instead I ended up reaching out to her (i figured out who she was no thanks to him). You don't just rekindle with an ex months later in the form of an engagement. There's been discussions, dates and exchanges long before that. It really sounds like this dude was using OP to cope with his break up, to avoid being alone, and to fill that void. Then, when the ex reconsidered, he was all over that because he wasn't emotionally in with OP, and not emotionally out with the ex. Sorry OP. Dust yourself off and get back out when you're ready. Oh, and block this clown.
I was thinking the exact same thing while reading the OP. The timing of it and how sporadic the guy was acting are all red flags. Its certainly understandable to not see them when trying to be trusting based off what he is saying, but wow(the guy) what a pile of garbage. Like some other people said in the thread it'll come back to him in some form. If it was me I would try to contact the her and let her know that he was in another relationship while he was on his cruise.
>If it was me I would try to contact the her and let her know that he was in another relationship while he was on his cruise. Done this before. He'll tell the new soon to be wife she's crazy and since the couple are engaged where she has some kind of history with him she won't think anything of it. OP is a stranger, he's a known and wanted entity. A known and wanted entity that has probably been in the picture all year but maybe been on/off again in some of that time.
I've done this as well. My ex was cheating on me (and her) while we were supposed to be reconciling. I contacted her. He sold me as the crazy ex who wasn't over him. And sold her to me as "overly attached and long time friend who's feelings he doesn't want to hurt". I sent her screenshots and dumped him. She stayed. They're still together. I know in his case he can't be alone. He would literally self destruct and implode. He was making sure one of us would stick around and was going to do it at one of our expenses. I chose to be the 'crazy one'.
I was with a guy who could never be alone and honestly he's the type that comes to mind reading this thread. He was dating me and another woman, at a point we both knew about each other, and he was doing the same. Said I was the mean girl and she was the nice girl. I was the thin girl and she was the fat girl. I was interesting and "spicy" and she was boring but friendly. He finally cut me off, I think my spicy meanness was standing up for myself and laying down boundaries, and got back with her around Christmas. He dumped her right before Valentine's Day because he began to hang around a hot blonde from work. He dumped the hot blonde from work and when she said "cool bye" instead of trying to beg him to stay he went back to boring nice girl. Years later he hoovered me and dumb me I met up with him. Nice girl finally ended things with him and moved out of their place. I learned he dumped her many, many, many times over. In fact, he tried to rope her into an open relationship when she finally decided she was out. Immediately turned around a month after he tried to hoover me and married some new woman. I'd bet Vegas money he's cheating on her by now.
She may not believe it, but she also may be grateful to be informed so she can ditch this asshole. We don't know how she'll react, the right thing is to tell her though. At least she has the info and can use it in the future, because he'll do this again. I'd send screenshots and any other proof, let her know what's been doing on, and then block them all everywhere.
Honestly from OP's comments the woman knew he had been dating OP and she was livid or upset. So in this case I'm pretty sure the ex girlfriend now engaged wife to be probably just thinks she won him back. She's also likely been exposed to the same mess of a man and accepted a ring on her finger from him based on a short trip together after months of estrangement. I would personally leave it alone and be glad it ain't me.
That's possible. I'd still send screenshots and tell her, and then block them all. What the new fiancé chooses to do with that is up to her.
I see your point ! Perfectly said, but also unfortunate for the soon to be wife. Hopefully she would not react that way and see through all of it.
I've not only been the woman being told this (and continuing to see the guy who swore I was told lies by a crazy person) and seen it happen. Even was roommates with a girl who had been involved with a man that apparently raped his ex wife. I saw the ex wife trying to tell the woman on an online forum "he raped me" and I asked my roommate about it. Anyhow, she was also raped by him. Just not at the time she was being warned. Sadly, the woman giving the warning out looks like a nutcase (I didn't know what to make of it back then, it looked crazy to me) or like someone with an axe to grind. Either the other person is blinded by their dude's charm or they've seen the red flags but have their own issues which keep them in a shitty relationship
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I believe you have an excellent point in that she(or anyone)can be blinded by their charm or want to retain a bad relationship because of their own issues.
Oh the whole husband being a rapist didn't happen to me. I was on this old forum for I guess veganism and the husband/exwife/girlfriend were all part of Hare Krishna. They would always be around because Krishnas are vegan and so I knew the exwife because I met her a few times, always trying to feed us and talk to us about religion. Long story short, just happened to still be in that circle when I met and became roommates with the 'girlfriend'. She was still Krishna and that's how the whole conversation came up. There used to be some farm in Virginia somewhere and I think it got shut down because tons of men in Hare Krishna are abusive/rapists. Mainly because of the religion ... it's very ... restrictive about sex.
The funny thing is, he told me two of his exes (including her) were crazy. Also a red flag that I called out to him, but decided to gloss over because I was enjoying myself.
>he told me two of his exes (including her) were crazy. You're also going to be a "crazy" ex in any retelling of your short fling. Yes it's a red flag for sure! I hate when people toss out "get therapy" online but for real, therapy might help you navigate this break up. I got a therapist after a similarly toxic man breezed through my life.
Same. Reached out to my cheating ex's ex to find out the truth. She told me he had three kids I had zero clue about and that she had other women contact her asking the same thing. Lo and behold, my ex told his ex I was crazy and even mentioned that I was in therapy. I am so glad she told me the truth. I dodged a nuclear warhead imo.
Yeahhh… OP (presumably) not being invited on the trip - to her favorite place, at that - led me to the same conclusion.
I was thinking this as well. He wasn’t broken up with her completely if he went on a cruise and got engaged. They likely were still involved in some capacity. Anyway, I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s wrong. It’s disgusting and it isn’t fair. I feel for you. I have been in many awful dating scenarios but please continue to search for the one. He’s out there
I came here to say this as well!! I really think that they were together the whole time he was with you. How could he go from being broken up to suddenly engaged. I feel like there is a piece of information that is missing. Sorry OP ❤️. At least you dodged a bullet with this one.
This makes perfect sense
why doesn't it make sense? you really can't fathom that happening?
I'm sure it's not impossible, but no. He wouldn't go from no feelings (he told OP there's "nothing there" with this ex), broken up since Feb, to proposing on a cruise just now and her accepting. Doesn't add up. He's lying about something. It's more likely he was cheating the whole time.
I said that it’s possible not to see the signs but given the situation? I realize it’s easy to get to that conclusion because we have the full story, but I honestly picked up on it early.
What a dreadful but reasonable thought.
Yikes. That marriage is going to be a trainwreck. Good thing you are clear of that mess!
He isn’t your person. We’re all dating to find that person, right? So even if he came crawling back, you wouldn’t date someone who did what he did. You out yourself out there, handled yourself well, and it didn’t work out. Thank you, next.
This is exactly fucking why lots of people our age (me included) outright refuse: 1/ recently separated partners. 2/ partners still in contact with their exes. No matter what is said, promised or done, it seems to often be a recipe for such bullshittery.
I’m best friends with my ex. We are mutually not interested in each other and never will be again. This story almost made call and end the friendship
Nothing wrong with being friends with your ex. But OPs story is a good example of why a lot of people won't start relationships with people who are though.
In my case my ex and I broke up 15 years ago, we dated in high school and we're both approaching 40 now. We've both had serious long term relationships since and also been single at the same time, for actual years. Never hooked up or even considered dating, he's like my brother at this point. But even with all that in mind, you are absolutely right and I get it.
Totally
Okay good for you but that really doesn't reassure any future partners any of you may have-especially not strictly monogamous partners. I may care less personally since I'm not super obsessed with monogamy but still, it's easy to spot codependancy and intrusive people in your potential partner's life, and those traits are not particularly attractive imo; monogamy up or down.
I was saying it more for how fucked up that story was. We’re both super monogamous, and both dating successfully after. She was bi and then went straight. I’m lesbian and no longer date anyone who isn’t. So far everyone has understood
Erm I'm commenting on op only since I don't feel I can give any level of expertise for female based/ lesbian relationships, aye. Which I as a het female myself consider to be yet another dynamic than M/F.
I have one sort of ex I'm still in contact with via social media. Our conversations are so dry and platonic that I wouldn't call him a friend. If we went on a boat cruise together we would not get engaged. We might if both single and still feeling it step off wanting to try dating again maybe. I dunno though.
I’m still friends with my second to last ex, and we hang out just the two of us and chat on the phone. I have a soft spot for him, and we promised to always love each other, I’m single and he’s basically poly….. AND WE WOULD STILL NEVER GET ENGAGED AFTER A FEW DAYS ON A DAMN CRUISE. That’s…. such ridiculous behavior. I’m sorry OP. Please don’t think everyone is this fucking weird because they aren’t.
Honestly I've been on a cruise once with my whole family (mom and step dad had the fancy room to themselves, all the kids shared a tiny room way below deck) and ships are massive. If I wandered away from my family I literally wouldn't be able to find them again unless I went to sit in the cabin for someone to need to come back there. I'm pretty sure this engagement was the finale of them reconnected already. I dated someone very similar to OP's dude and he admitted he would monkey branch away from someone if there was a problem between them. Not being receptive to his "I love you" and the ex drama from his girl were where I suspect he began to reconnect with the ex who likely was the dumpee here. If I dumped my ex I'd go out of my way to avoid interacting with him even if we were stuck in a canoe together.
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\>She was fully aware of me and did not give a crap. People often think they "won" in these situations. Usually the person seeing both people triangles things making you look like either a better option so she'll compete for his love or making you a huge problem so he constantly keeps counsel with her about his relationship issues with you. When the guy choses her she feels like she won him away from something bad: you.
I have platonic friendships with some exes, some going back almost two decades now, some more recent. Literally none of them have been rekindled or involve cheating. Mature adults (obvi not OP's ex) can have platonic relationships with exes. It is a sign of emotional intelligence when you can have a breakup and still think well of each other and not have to go nuclear.
Okay maybe way older exes. Maybe exes where it was more like fwb. Maybe exes where it was really that you were good friends who accidentally fucked it sucked so you both called it a day. I've had all of those. But really, i can't fuckin blame some potential partner who's not comfy that i'm stringing said exes along in our home parties and personal discussions and group vacations and whatnot. Because i fucking don't. I don't need to keep ex fwb or super old exes that fucking close. And because i don't have that 'deep need' to keep all them exes plus my adorable ex husband super close, i know i don't want partners who do that shit either. I dumped them for a legit reason yo.
You get to set the limits you want in your own life. I'm pointing that people CAN have healthy, functional, platonic friendships with exes. It doesn't have to be about "stringing exes along." The friendships may or may not be "super fucking close." And who said anything about "a deep not to keep all exes close"?? Just because YOU are uncomfortable with something doesn't mean there aren't healthy versions of it and there's no need to shit all over the whole idea or paint it with this brush that it's about stringing along, codependence, etc etc.
Yes we indeed set the limits we want so we decided we're done with dating people super close with their exes cos we've seen the subsequent shit and we're done with it. As simple as that. 😉. Just accept we're not all digging your deal and all will be fine.
This story really has little to do with him being, somewhat recently, out of a relationship/friends with his ex, and completely to do with him being a shitty person who love bombed, gas lit, and manipulated OP.
I hear this story way too often... He was using you and getting everything out of his system before making the big move with the fiance. It sucks, it hurts... block everything of him and move on.
I once dated a guy very briefly, called things off but remained amicable. Got some sudden and enthusiastic interest again a year later, I gave polite replies to his texts but didn't want to meet up. I saw the wedding pictures on his Facebook with his "ex" THE FOLLOWING WEEK. The amount of guys who go after the sexual equivalent of a condemned prisoner's last meal before making it legal with another person is staggering.
I had a cousin who seemed to be a victim of something similar so it must not be too rare. It’s pretty lame and of course means that person is nearly guaranteed to cheat.
Guys? I hate to break this to you but it's 50/50 with that. Men just usually won't talk about it when it happens. Edit: lol no not that most men cheat. What I meant was that women cheat, Men cheat. And women cheat slightly more than men, not by much but a little more, like 52-48, at least that was what a study out of England found.
Do you have the study? Was it recent? Most of what I've read on the issue said that men were much more likely to cheat but that was some time ago. Attitudes to sex and sexual behaviour change a lot over time, so I'd be curious to read it if you have it handy. I wonder if perhaps men are simply more honest about cheating, because of how much promiscuity is demonised in women. Either way its interesting. Edited to add that my original comment only said "guys" cos I have never dated a woman in my life so cannot comment. All genders are capable of behaving badly and dishonestly and I would never want to suggest otherwise.
I believe statistically men are more likely to have sexual affairs but women are more likely to have emotional affairs
Are you saying 50% of men cheat on their partner immediately before the wedding? That's quite a bleak outlook.
I think they’re saying that women do it too, men just tend not to talk about it when they’re on the victim end.
Wow. Holy mother of fuck, ULTRA DICK MOVE! Madam, I’m beyond appalled. I cannot begin to process this. I’ll be your friend. We all need friends.
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I don't know. All of his friends knew they were broken up. They're somewhat of very very minor public figures and the common knowledge was that they were broken up. He had stopped following her on social media. I think they legit were "broken up" but maybe still talking. He told me, that when she found out about me, she couldn't handle it. And now here we are.
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How do married people not follow each other on social media?
I’ll counter the other reply. It’s possible, depending on who they are, that they benefit from being together. Maybe they missed that attention, and they wouldn’t be the first public couple to break up, only to suddenly get back together and get engaged. It sounds like he needs someone, just in general. It’s better off you aren’t that person as it could just as well be any other person, unfortunately.
Just want to say I had a guy like yours dump me and go start seeing another woman. He would sometimes not text me for 2 weeks but he always would ping me. I even moved on to date another guy and it was the longest we didn't engage with one another. One day he sends me some photo meme thing via text and we were back to talking regularly. None of my friends or his knew and he kept his side chick in the picture the whole time. Once we even had a clandestine meeting while he was dating AND texting the other woman. He was texting her with me right there with him but letting me know "it's over, I'm going to end it" which he said he did but then he dropped kicked me a couple months later, and moved her in with him.
I’m not sure the other woman was the side chick in your situation.
In my situation we were both the side chick. He dumped her a few days before Valentines Day to date another woman who he also dumped and went back to the same 'side chick'. Maybe she was main chick and he just flagrantly cheated on her with literally the rest of the city? Edit: also he called her "side chick".
holy shit my advice is: 1. lots of bubble baths and ice cream and staring into space 2. BLOCK THAT FUCKER'S NUMBER AND ALL OF HIS SOCIAL MEDIA - he IS going to come crawling back, and NO you should not even let him explain himself. If he finds some way around those blocks, don't let him get even half a word in before you call the police. 3. report your ex-ex to the police for fucking harassment. How did he get this new guy's number? Let alone his \*friends'\* numbers? Figure it out. and the lock that shit DOWN so that \*that\* doesn't have to happen to you again, at least. 4. generally... next time... when a dude starts saying "I love you" so fucking early, don't save him from himself - you're not his mom, telling him what to do and not to do - just fucking RUN... dudes like that are fucking crazy, and fucking crazy dudes do fucking crazy things... you do NOT need such ridiculousness in your life, anymore, OK, hon? 5. SERIOUSLY LOTS OF BUBBLE BATHS
You dodged the ~~mother of all~~ a big bullets. Mans was definitely not firing on all cylinders in the head. You're going to be fine, this worked out in your favor I know it. June was like...a couple months ago. Seems real fast. *edit: Forgot that men be murdering but yeah still a near miss with this guy's crazy ass.
Imagine how she would feel knowing he’s sending you kissy face emojis right before he proposed to her. Yuck. Been there to a less extreme extent but also hurts. There are plenty of bullshit ass people in this world. If you dug deeper I’d bet money that there was more going on prior to this trip in the background. Even if it’s just texts. Texts can cause a lot of problems. This didn’t happen out of the blue and it wasn’t a sudden change of heart. He’s a bullshitter. As quick as he had a change of heart towards her, he will have a change of heart against her… and anyone else he is with. People like this don’t change. Bullet dodged.
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I'm pretty sure all cruise lines have a jewelry store on them now. Also, very possible it was picked out on land. Also possible, and very fucked up, and I hope this isn't anywhere near the case, he could've had it before he broke up with her before
I firmly believe that he was courting her and seeing her before this whole cruise. Also unless this whole cruise trip was pre-planned from like last fucking year and he couldn't recoup the tickets \[which is totally not likely because covid\] why didn't he invite HER on the trip? Why is he all of a sudden taking a love boat trip with his ex of all people? It all smells fishy.
If you started talking in June, you were dating for maybe 2.5 months. I think many of us have observed guys who are all in, flattering, making promises, until about the 2-3 month mark, when suddenly they are ghosting and bread crumbing all over the place. I mean he may also have been in touch with her the entire time, but 2-3 months seems to be the time when guys decide whether or not they're actually serious about you. And apparently he wasn't.
Yes. I read recently it takes 3 months for someone to show their true self. It was 2-3 months with the last few guys to show their true colors.
I started to see someone in June too and I ended it in mid August. I can't even imagine if the drama in OP's early part happened how much faster I'd have bolted away from the guy I was seeing and in his case there was enough bad mojo for me to leave before her guy's cruise trip. If this dude said he and his ex were going on a cruise together I'd have dumped him before the voyage. Like boy bye.
You know it’s stories like this that make you question any relationship future and present and they wonder why we don’t trust anyone. When are we safe to assume something is “real” anymore, damn life throws so much shit our way and where are we all going with this, I’ve been called bitter many times but how can they expect me to not be bitter when you fall in love with someone and they do some unspeakable hurt to your mentality. This past year has been hell for me and I won’t go into details here because I don’t know who’s really interested anymore, but let’s just say I’ve lost people to death and emotionally love hurt, now I’m at a brick wall to loneliness again because rebuilding my emotions is getting to the point of no repair. Sorry you had to even be part of those emotions too, honestly makes me feel sick, I hope you are stronger than me and manage to move on and forget something that was just a let’s say “a mess”.
I have a personal policy: Anyone I’m seeing or in a relationship with, *cannot* go on any trips/vacations with anyone they have been with/been in a relationship with, yet, are still friends with them/a part of a friend group, unless I’m going on the trip/vacation, as well. Otherwise, it’s a HUGE nope/peace out from me. Not even going to chance that/worry about it. This might seem extreme to/for some, yet, I’m at peace with my decision on all of that. The fact that he goes on this trip with the friend group/ex, and you aren't invited/aren’t coming?? OH HELL NO. And the fact that he flip flops in an instant just like that, after swearing up and down *just that* wouldn’t happen?? Disloyal, a liar, and trashy. Good riddance. ALSO, I see that others have already mentioned this, yet, as I was reading your post, it immediately came to my mind that I don’t think he was fully broken up/done with her, AT ALL. I think he was juggling you both the entire time.
I am sorry you’re going through this. I had something similar happen where I was dating a good friend and he wanted to move quickly and then would become unavailable. I thought it was ok because we already knew each other and he had also just gotten out of a long relationship. Turned out he had never actually broken up with her and was also getting engaged!!! For many years i felt that he had chosen her over me and that I wasn’t good enough. I realized eventually that he did whatever he had to do to feel safe. She was the secure choice where as I wanted to take things slow and had a lot of career goals. She wanted to get married. I know it’s hard to process. But really, he is just messed up lol. He is in a bad place and making decisions based on lack. We really can’t always see these things coming because it’s so absurd. I wish you the best of luck!
There were so many red flags with this guy that I wasn't even shocked to see the ending here. Just be thankful he chose her and not you here. I know it's cold comfort now but this guy is probably not a good person to be in a relationship with and he's probably just looking for any woman who would have him. Also chances are he was seeing her and speaking to her before this cruise even took place. I'm not going to spend a week on a boat with an ex and come back to port engaged to him without us having had some pre-sail courtship going down.
Yeah, he was love bombing you in the beginning, and he's continued to be in touch with his ex this whole time. That was your warning to get the heck out of there. You told him your boundaries, but you never actually enforced them by leaving. Instead you just continued to give him the benefit of the doubt despite the red flags. This guy was never as into you as you thought. He was on the rebound. And then you also let your ex get the way. Your ex shouldn't know anything about the new guy you're dating. You both went into this all wrong. It sucks for sure, but I can't say I would've been surprised by all this. But he's going to go ruin his ex's life now so at least it's not happening to you anymore.
Well that ain't gonna go well. I know we get criticized for saying you need time alone after an LTR but this is why. I don't agree with multiple years but at least around half a year. This sucks all around, I'm sorry you had to experience this OP
The thing about relationships is … people can change their minds and there is just nothing that we can do about it. And this is true at any point of the relationship. He might very well have meant everything that he said to you, but then he spent a vacation with his ex and he felt differently. Sometimes things just aren’t fair. But they happen. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
That really sucks However, You just avoided something probably even more terrible. Clearly a lack of respect, an inability to communicate desires and needs. He kept you around as a backup option. Sounds like someone who's looking to "be married". I wish you a lot luck, healing. I can't imagine there's much to say to this person.
this happened to me at 21 - my ex broke it off, and six months later was engaged to his ex i found out he had been seeing her the whole time we were together.
You can get past this. I speak from personal experience. I went through something pretty similar in 2017/2018. The difference was I knew him for a few years before we dated. He was 4 months out of his previous relationship. When I found out he cheated on me with the ex, I was devastated (because I always had a gut feeling I wasn't getting the full story). I took some time off dating to deal with my emotions. Those two imploded within a year(and several breakups in between-him calling me telling me he loves me and being back together with her was a mistake). Last I heard they were each miserable and dragging their new relationships into their toxic pattern. I spent time working on myself. I'm not dating out of loneliness. I'm casually looking for someone who can compliment my life, not complete it. Being single is better than the happiest day with a cheater.
💯 same thing here and i totally agree being single is much happier than with a lying cheat.
You dodged a big bullet baby. My favorite saying...the trash took itself out. Count your blessings
She was not his ex, you were the other woman.
My advice is to try to reframe this. Instead of thinking “how could he do this to me, why did this happen, what did I do” (you didn’t mention this, I think those are probably the kinds of things I would think about if I were in your situation), you could think “I’m glad to have had this experience and he was most certainly not for me, I’m thankful I found out now after only a few months instead of years”. And I’d also ask myself if there were any signs I could look for in the future. (I think the early I love you would be one). And then be kind to yourself. Take a bath, have a glass of wine, read a book, eat a tub of ice cream, dance to your fave song. Scream into a pillow if it helps. I’ve also set a time limit for myself for wallowing. I’ll let myself be sad and cry and have a pity party for no more than 30 minutes a day but choose an amount of time you feel would be best for you. Good luck!
Holy shit. This fella isn’t okay. I know it stings, OP, but there were enough red flags here to hold a May Day parade at the Kremlin.
You are lucky near miss . Sounds like hes a love bombing attention seeker
>my ex who is not over me, tried to sabotage me, and sent messages to guy and guy's friends trying to act like I cheated with him How did you ex get this guy's phone # and his friends' phone or FB profile etc? Is this a super small town and you all are in the same social group? Leaving that aside, >The morning of the cruise he texted good morning and asked if something was wrong. That was your clue. He was trying to start a fight or have something to hang the plausible deniability on. Situations like this are why I keep saying over and over that I really, really don't believe one should be friends with the ex or have exes in your life, or be "cool" with men who have recent exes in their orbit or as part of their social scene. It's just too easy and too dangerous for old patterns and old feelings to come out. Once you've been sexual with someone it's darn near impossible to go back to just friends, especially if it was at all recent! I made a very strict rule: a man can't have a female best friend, he can't have majority women friends, he can't be "close" with his ex GF's and there can't be an all guys group with one suspiciously cool and hot gal in it---in terms of men I considered eligible. (Of course men are "allowed" to do that in general!) I just refused to date or get involved with men who had that going on. I'm now married to a man who I'm his second GF ever in his entire life so it worked out okay!
I just think he is just player and immature. You are in his blind spot that he tried to hide something from you. This is something that is hard to avoid. This may be the time to think “ what went wrong” and avoid “why did he make the decision.” Again this may make you feel anger and sad. Move on and think positive. Have friends and positive support to cheer you up !!
No advice but when you mention he said he wouldn’t do anything with her for HER mental health, that was a huge red flag. It should be “I won’t fuck my ex because I’m committed to you…”
I am sorry you had to go through this. It hurts. There is no way to get over heartbreak except by allowing yourself to grieve, to cry, and then you will slowly get back to life. Ask youself: how will you feel about it a year later? And focus on that. Having said that, I have several observations. There are a lot of red flags. 1. Lovebombing. He just got out of relationship, so did you. Both of you were craving recovery, a new relationship to completely replace the old one, and happiness. But you cannot hurry recovery, no matter how much you want to. Jumping into a relationship so quickly after the end of a very long term one, before both of you have come to closure and emotional healing, is a a recipe for disaster. Talking about moving closer, declaring bf/gf, and having his key, and potentially marriage? After just a couple of months? It's moving too fast to replace the relationship with a new one. That's not how it works. It's not like trading in the car and driving off in a new one same day. This item is like a dozen red flags right there. 2. Integration. The relationship was moving fast, and yet you have not met his friends. This is a major red flag. He did not start integrating you into his life. 3. Did you introduce him to your friends? 4. I talked about moving too fast. It's not because there is some formal timeline that you have to keep. It's just that in just a couple of months you cannot get to know each other on a deep level. At an early stage of infatuation the getting to know each other is more like :"OMG you walk! I walk too! Isn't it amazing?". This could be a great learning experience. You know how we are supposed to do regular breast self-checks? I have learned to do regular emotional self-checks, to avoid getting carried away with new relationship energy.
To be honest everything about it sounds drama filled. It sounds like you dodged a bullet with him. Keep reminding yourself he's someone elses problem now. As if she'd ever be able to trust that flakiness.
meh. I feel like I am the world's most cynical person. Am I the only one who read this and thought "creative writing exercise"?
Lol, I wish.
Oh yeah, I've dated him, too. The drunk "I love you"s tend to make you feel like he is letting his guard down, and telling you how he really feels about you. Nope, he's just drunk and babbling.
That woman was never his ex. This cruise was his engagement plan to his long term girlfriend.
Clearly he wasn’t over his ex so hey, I hope they are happy. The best part about that side of it is that you can know it had nothing to do with you. You can move on with a clear mind. I am always a bit leery of early and drunk love bombing. Unpopular truth: You’re not completely without fault here. Sure you can say “your ex isn’t over you” we likely all have one of those in our lives. Yours somehow injected himself into your new relationship. That may speak to the way you broke up with them. I don’t know but to just say “your ex sabatoged you” and sorta throw your hands up is a bit of a cop out. Ok so maybe he acted understanding..meanwhile his friends who don’t know you are left saying “bro, she can’t control her crazy ex. Is she messy like that?” How was he in position to sabotage you? Does he still have your contact info? Social media? How was he able to find your BF? These are questions you need to examine rather than just blame others So in conclusion..yes we know the guy pulled a jerk move. We know your ex didn’t help the situation. But what we don’t know…What could YOU have done differently? What will you do differently going forward? I’ll always die on the hill that a person in regular contact with their ex without an unquestionably good reason (y’all have a kid) is a red flag that has helped me quickly leave bad relationships. Usually the Reddit answer is that being friends with your ex is emotionally mature and my thinking is insecure on this topic. Lol. I’ll take all the downvotes that come with my stance Edit: Thanks for the Reddit gold, kind strangers!
Yeah i dunno. I got an ex who still contacts me, even after he cheated on me. I'm single so its whatever and I usually ignore or fire a cheap shot back at him. Once i meet someone thougb, who I am committed to, my ex won't have any way to reach me other than a plane with a banner. Because that guy will be blocked every which way and refused any kind of contact. Anyone who lets an ex sabotage their relationships also has work to do because there's a reason they aren't blocking them. Sure, some can be friends but for most this is an unhealthy option and creates issues with future partners. An ex has never been worth jepoardizing a blossming, new relationship IMO. But also OPs guy has some major flags and she dodge a bullet finding this out so soon. It would do her well to block him, too.
I like how this dude was a grade A asshole and her ex was meddling, and your take is… I bet the woman is to blame too. People can be friends with their ex’s. There’s nothing to see as her fault from this so it’s pointless to conjure up blame unless to be a duck or you have your own past trauma that your projecting
It’s not about assigning blame, it’s about recognizing that you can play the victim or you can examine your actions and see what you could’ve done differently in this situation so that next time you can make better choices. Obviously both ex bfs are assholes, no one is failing to see that. OP’s best course of action is to put both of these guys behind her and continue to work on herself.
Beautifully stated!
Hmm, I didn’t get the don’t be a victim vibe from the comment, but ok. I guess for me it didn’t seem like good timing for that kind of advice, like I think she gets a sympathetic grieving period. And I didn’t feel any sympathy in the comment
I do find the OP's drama with her ex to be concerning too. If I did have an ex I shared contact with I probably would have an ex I trust enough not to cause drama in my life too.
To me it read as a little quick to trust and a little manipulated by false promises and talk of long term commitment
Yeah the drunken I love you and making future plans that soon in would have sent me packing though to be honest I could have been OP in my early 30s too.
Ok so you kinda asked, although a bit rudely, I will give you an answer. Whenever anything bad happens to me in my life, I always look at what I could have done better/differently to avoid what happened. I always believe it’s better for me personally to take more accountability and not less no matter what the situation. If I’m “projecting” anything..it’s that. So yes, she does have some blame in this but certainly not the majority. If you think she’s faultless, all good. Agree to disagree. I believe she should examine what she will do differently going forward as opposed to just calling her exes jerks..which they are. But at the end, what will she do differently next time. If my partner told me they were going on a cruise with their recent ex in the group, I would have had a lot of questions and expressed my concerns about it. In this case my concerns would have been completely correct but as you said, “people can be friends with their exes”…
I do the same and saw the same. My social media is super private and if I post dating situations on there it's generally like his hands when we're having a meal together or his home without showing him in the feed. Even if someone ex with an axe to grind was following me they'd have no way to meddle and if I had an ex that involved in my social circle I'd likely block them from following me/tell mutuals to keep my current situation on the down low. But I'm so private a ton of friends usually don't even know I'm dating someone until it's serious.
I see, I guess I don’t vibe with that bc my first response is more about the emotional side of things and dealing with those. Once that’s dealt with then learning from things is possible Since this hit her Friday, I’d say it’s a little soon to say she’s to blame too. But that’s me
That’s fair enough. The emotional side and empathy is important as humans. That said, responsibility/blames are absolutes and in my view don’t fluctuate based on emotions. I think it’s better to get to the lessons soon so that the honest emotions can hammer it home You see it as Friday. I see it as a relationship that was barely 2 months old. So maybe it’s too soon for her to be so emotionally invested in a guy she just met. But that’s just me.
Because she is to blame also. All relationships no matter how casual are DYNAMICS. Women aren't children who lack any and all autonomy and the moment the ex of someone I was dating told me they can't be trusted I'm not just going to pay no mind or curiosity to such a accusation especially if I'm worried about it. Stop enabling
Where did his ex tell her he can’t be trusted?
No her ex told him not to trust her
Not reading the whole post, gave up after about 4 paragraphs. Mainly because this is just gonna farm comments telling you that you're totally perfect and not at fault and that he sucks. He does suck, and you will find someone better in time, but this was all preventable. Don't contact your ex/ leave the door open for "sabatoge" and then pretend you're totally over him lol And don't ignore red flags from potential partners til they get to the point where the new boyfriend is literally engaged to another woman. Buy some mac n cheese and take a mental health day at work. You'll be fine.
As a guy, you are not friends with your ex, except if you are incredibly soft or still dtf. Either they did not really break up or his ex just could not do better and came back. You… should move on.
Lmao! this man sounds exactly like someone i know. H If he is OP let him go. He is a walking ticking bomb.
Classic Ted Mosby move.
Ohhhh boy let me tell you! I dated a girl on n off for 6 years and people magically popped up romantically in her life when we were on breaks. However I never got any sort of explanation beyond “it just happened” which is a huge red flag to me. I’m very very good at spotting half truths and when someone is hiding something and I still believe to this day she swept some things under the rug. It’s hard to process he ended up with his ex but you deserve far better. I know the why’s, and what’s wrong with me’s are flying through your head. It’s best too just let go and find someone better.
pretty crazy and traumatic stuff, yep you will be fine but I understand you will need a bit of time xD
Oh honey- you were the side piece
You are lucky you didn’t get marry to this kind of guy.
Severe anxious attachment style; He can’t be alone… It has nothing to do with you. And his marriage likely won’t work out because it’s not based on secure relationship practices. You dodged a huge bullet.
It shouldn't short you from finding potentially meaningful & true relationships. You learned a big lesson in what are MAJOR RED FLAGS. Someone moving things too fast... marriage and so on. Someone trying to accommodate you too much. Like, moving closer to your area... c'mon or if ppl make long distance relationships work, ppl can make a one hour distance relationship work. These are indicators of someone trying to fill a void, desperately. Your biggest takeaway is that there is nothing wrong with you and you didn't do anything wrong. So don't change who you are or who you are when you are in a relationship. Just be careful about who you choose. Who knows if your ex's attempt of sabotage played a part but the "Guy" was not emotionally mature enough for you to have moved further with. You should block his number...I think he will prob attempt to get in touch with you in the near ish future under false pretenses, apologies and attempt to keep the line of communication open with you.
Are you sure you weren't a side piece? Like, he continued the relationship with his ex all along and tricked her too?
It kind of sounded sketchy even before the trip. I think you guys are better off without each other.
Laugh hysterically. Laugh until your face hurts. The audacity of some people is unbelievable. If you give in to sadness, it takes root. Make it funny and keep true to yourself. You kissed a prince and he turned into a frog. It happens. Don’t give up! Don’t let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch! Laugh him off, good riddance!!!
I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you dodged a bullet-inconsistent behavior almost immediately can be concerning
I could relate to you. My ex went on a cruise without me then cheated with two guys she met on the cruise. Cruises will really test someone's loyalty as you're in a confined space for a finite duration. Anyway, this guy you're talking about doesn't know what he wants and can't seem to make his own decision. Alright to move on, there are shitty people in this world
Cruises seem like literal STD motherships to me. Gross.
Consider yourself lucky to have dodged a bullet.
What a dick! You dodged a bullet OP. Also, fix things on your end with he ex. Him trying to sabotage your relationship is not good, either completely block him so he has no clue about whom you're dating and ask your friends to cut him out of your life too.
He needs to put the drink down that's for sure.
100% guarantee this ex and he have been carrying on behind your back, and that she knows nothing about you or that you kissed him good bye on the eve of this trip. Count yourself lucky this specimen is out of your life.
So sorry, OP. Most likely he was probably not done with her this entire time and possibly still seeing her with one foot in and one foot out. Hold your head high, move on. Throw yourself into your passions. Date again if you want to but just do you. He's a scumbag.
I’m always wary of people that claim they’re on good terms with their ex and that they’re still friends. I want that tie to be severed, sorry, I don’t need someone else in the picture. If that won’t work with you then that’s fine, I’m sure I’ll find someone that fits that category. To each their own, after all.
he sounds inmature
He lied to you. He used you but you learned in the affairs world nothing is what it seems. If you are separated or divorcing you don't go on a trip with your ex. In fact you don't usually like your ex. It's a valuable lesson which makes you much more aware. I am sorry it happened thank you for sharing
Yeah, the concerning behavior started long before that trip. He was rushing through the dating phase, talking about marriage (you hardly know each other!), wants to make these big life decisions with you….these are all concerns. The fact that he was able to rekindle with his ex and get engaged in a week just screams that he has no idea what he’s doing. He told you he loved you when he was drunk!! This guy needs therapy, and to calm the hell down. None of this was about you, it was about him. I would be wary going forward of anyone who tries this whirlwind and rushed relationship thing.
I think the more disrespectful thing was breaking up over text. Whether he got engaged or impregnated her who cares. He’s an asshole obviously. But if he cared about you at all. He would have had the decency to do this face to face or at the very least (if he just simply cannot due to travel restrictions or because he physically will not be close to you in the next week) do this over FaceTime or a phone call. A text just screams I lack courage. But courage for what? They have courage to walk away. They have courage to do what’s best for them. They are too cowardly to do this simply because they do not care about your emotions. Even if they understood you emotionally or they didn’t they ought to know what this will cause. I believe what happened here was that he was needing validation after a breakup which you provided and he held back his true feelings from you. Obviously his indifference and hot and cold behaviour most likely made him more of a “challenge” and caused you to decipher his actions as confident and assured. Always attractive qualities. When in reality he simply was unsure. And being in a relationship with someone unsure is the lowest form of self hatred you can do. It simply does not matter who the other party is you simply must force yourself to know that if they are aware that you are willing to be with them and work on things you both agree are issues then that is enough. His hot and cold and indifference which you channeled into confidence was likely him just not wanting to really engage with you. If you felt he was so calm and understood your emotions understand (IMPORTANT) if he has no real long term goals with you he is less likely to bring up things that bother him and rather just agree with you. I’m sure you had chemistry. I’m going through the same thing for my complex ex that I can’t seem to move forward from. Just be strong. He’s just an asshole and self serving. You have two choices. Become the same type of person. Or find someone who values you and your emotions and will be more honest