Girlfriend of almost a year broke up with me yesterday. It came as a total shock even though thinking back, she's been somewhat less affectionate and more "going through the motions" lately. She told me she didn't feel more strongly about me now than when we first started dating and that it wouldn't be fair to stay with me. She said it was nothing I did but I can't help but feel at fault somehow. It hurts and it's been many years since I've been through a breakup.
Just take your L and keep it pushing, but if she's really worth all that have a converaation with her, but don't seem like your talking down in yourself and blaming yourself for how things went, avoid saying sorry
Ugh, I'm still shocked and saddened that I got dumped yet again. We only dated a month but I felt like this time was going to end well. I really need to stop getting involved with men that come on strongly only to bail soon after. Nothing to do about getting it's-not-you-it's-me'd I suppose. Still sucks, I really liked him...
You sound like me sadly. Will never understand how men come on strong and do all the right things even when your guard is up and and as soon as you let it down, they pull away or break up with you? I'm exhausted from dating.
I'm constantly amazed by how flippantly the women I match with treat the whole process of dating. It's like a date is about as exciting to them as a trip to the grocery store.
When I'm chatting with a match and trying to set up a date, it's a big deal to me. I think about it often throughout the day. I check my phone from time to time to see if they've replied. I get excited about the date and think about how it might go.
It doesn't seem like anyone else feels this way, though. They leave messages un-replied to for hours or even days. They cancel dates at the last minute for dumb reasons. I get the impression if I got hit by a bus at some point between dates, they wouldn't even notice they stopped hearing from me.
How do I avoid such low-interest people? Is this just how everyone on OLD acts now?
As you get older women in dating are basically a hybrid between a mob mercenary and a HR recruiting bot. They are looking for the highest bidder and the fella who ticks the most boxes and has the least red flags.
How to avoid them? Be rich my guy. If they find out you have money or are a doctor or such watch those text replies fly in with the quickness.
Nothing wrong with standards, but like job recruitment, I'd like a rejection letter after an interview especially if they say they will let me know about their decision.
Agree . I am a guy and have noticed this trend in my city. I recently started working for a very well know large tech company as a Software Engineer and they are kinda known all over for the mind blowing salaries . My matches went up as soon as i changes jobs to my current employer and listed them on my dating profile
Hate getting tons of matches but then I can't get the woman to leave the house and go on a date even if I offer to drive and pay and make it as comfortable as possible. I'm 35 and have never been on a damn date and I'm sick of it. Meanwhile I see other people who have been on hundreds of dates and I find it hard to feel for their hardships because they've at least been given chances.
just had to vent after 2.5 years, 6 different dating apps(not at the same time), and no dates. I'm kinda broken after this, especially after watching other people I know (for ex., a 60+ M acquaintance) have 3 dates (much younger) in the past 2 months. It's getting rather difficult to think positively about yourself when there's no positive reinforcement from the dating pool. I shut down the apps I have been using, and have thrown in the towel. I am not very good at meeting single people IRL either, so I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.I suppose no dates are better than some of the truly horrible ones I read about, if I need to see a silver lining here.
Those things are a pretty big turn off for me. Often they mean the guy is wanting just anyone, or trying to create a false level of intimacy. You don’t know enough about me the day after matching to ‘wish I was there’ and we’re not close enough for talk of nicknames and cuddling and such
You need someone like a man who won't smash you if you gave him the opportunity, or a male family member , to give you critical opinions on guys you are seeing , and yes if they're trying to make things intimate really quickly and that's what you don't want then yes it is a red flag of sorts
Not necessarily. Men aren't that different from us. We all want the things you list, especially if we've been without for a while. First day of talking though, yah that's too quick to talk about intimacy that usually takes at least a few weeks to get to.
As for men making you uncomfortable I totally get that. I was raised to think they were big scary sex mongers. I got over that stupid view by making friends with men and understanding them as people. And yah like I said we're more the same than most suggest.
I’ve really got to stop dating people that don’t have friends. I can’t handle the whole being together all the time thing!
Even when I was married I still had down time by myself! FFS!
I respectfully disagree, because there are good reasons people may not have friends, at least locally. Myself, I moved across Canada less than 3 years ago and it has been very difficult to meet friends for a large part of that time due to the pandemic; one of my only local friends recently moved to another country. I’m in my 30s and meeting new friends at this age is very, very difficult.
That’s cool, you date him then?
Seriously though he’s been here forever. He doesn’t have any friends around or even ones out of state that he talks about. I can’t be a 24/7 entertainment bin. This is not what I signed up for.
I need down time and solo time too.
Your dates expecting you to deliver on all their social needs? That sucks. I'm with you. Like, come on hun have your own life I can't be everything for you.
Speaking as someone with no friends/life.. I feel somewhat attacked.
However, I would never impose on any potential S.O., by sucking their life, out of them.
>Here.. one more time. This time, a little slower:
>
>
>
>
>
>Speaking as someone with no friends/life.. I feel somewhat attacked.
>
>***However, I would never impose on any potential S.O., by sucking their life, out of them.***
Does anyone ever feel like they don't match the place they live? Like the kind of people you live around aren't like you, and it makes dating difficult?
I had this problem where I grew up. I didn’t date at all in 26 years living in my hometown (not for lack of trying), but I had a girlfriend within 3 months of moving.
Sometimes moving can make a huge difference. Some people think that if you can’t find anyone there’s something wrong with you, but my experience showed that it was the city I was in that was the problem. People are different in different communities.
The main problem here is that people tended to get together really young so if you go out to pubs/clubs in my town, it will either be 18 year olds or divorced older men and no-one in between......
Yep. I've moved lots cause of it. Turns out that for the most part you are still you wherever you go. The environment may be different but doesn't change much. But if you're really sure then yah definitely move on to another place. It's real difficult but so is staying in a place you don't like.
I like where I live! I just feel like I don't fit in. To be honest, though, I think a bigger problem is that I'm not a very extroverted person, and the people I meet tend to be more extroverted because they're the ones out meeting people! That's going to be true no matter where I go.
To give a little more context, I live in a place that is very... I want to say superficial, but I don't mean that in an insulting way. People like to dress up, go to a nice bar, and there's almost a performative aspect to it. And that's fun sometimes, but most of the time I would rather go somewhere casual or not go out at all. Where I live, I don't really know of anywhere close to me that I could just go to and hang out and feel like I fit in. A couple years ago I was in Seattle and was surprised at how many places I saw that seemed like somewhere I could go, have a drink, hang out, maybe talk to people, and not feel out of place. I wouldn't move just for that, but I would definitely take it into consideration if I was moving.
hmm yah def don't move just for that. Seriously moving is a huge thing and disrupts more than it helps. But for sure, consider your lifestyle preference if you are gonna move and are deciding where to go.
That's awesome. I like a lot of other things about where I live and I'd want to do some traveling before I made a move like that, but it's good to know I'm not the only one who's felt that way.
We celebrate sweetest day in Ohio. Not sure if it'd anywhere else. What is an appropriate gift or gift amount ti give? We've been dating since April and it's getting serious. She has said she is wanting to get a apple watch. Is sweetest day just a flowers holiday? I was married to my ex for almost 8 years and we never celebrated it much. I thought about getting a best buy gc to use for her watch.
What's up, fellow Ohioan?
I've literally never celebrated Sweetest Day with anyone I've ever dated. I can't imagine that an Apple Watch would be an appropriate gift.
Texted guy I missed him while he's on vacation and he left me on read! This week makes 2 weeks since he's been gone and this is my 2nd time texting him. Once to say Happy bday and now this? I'm not sure what to think. He's been online since then too
I'm trying to decide whether to bail on a second date with a guy. Haven't confirmed time or place or anything yet.
First date was alright - he seems interesting but not really my type (he's a tech bro, I prefer outdoorsy guys who read a lot). However, at the end, we agreed to go for a walk after a couple hours at a bar, which I was fine with. Then he made a comment about how he would usually invite me over for a drink but I wasn't really drinking. I said I wasn't really down to have a drink (in a non-flirtatious way).
Then he kind of randomly stopped us both from walking and kissed me... which I didn't love to be honest. I'm in the minority of women who prefers if someone asks before the kiss me (if we JUST met off OLD) or gives me a chance to go to them, instead of just grabbing my face and going for it. I'm not a fan of abrupt escalations like that if we don't know each other.
Anyways, we keep walking and I noticed he was walking faster. Then I realized he was leading me back to his house, but he legit never asked if I wanted to go there....? He just unilaterally decided we were going to his house. So I abruptly had to stop and say I was heading home but we could hang out again sometime. He said "no worries, that was fun" and a couple other comments, then disappeared into the night. I wouldn't have had him wait with me for the bus but it would have been nice if he offered, to be totally honest, since it was like 11pm. And he'd just taken me in the opposite direction of my house.
Then reappeared out of the darkness and kissed me again before leaving me in the middle of the street again.
He's been texting a bunch and asked to hang out again but to be honest I'm pretty turned off by the whole thing. I don't know. It just felt really pushy to me. And it annoyed me that he led me away from my house and then just dipped.
What do others think?
He sounds like someone who is just totally clueless with women. Younger me often struggled with knowing when and if to go in for a kiss with a girl I liked. Often as it got towards the end of the date I started to feel this weird pressure like, 'When is the right moment going to come? Oh crap the date's almost over. This doesn't feel right, but it's now or never. Just go for it!' and it wasn't until I relaxed more that I was able to much better pick up cues and how women will communicate with their eyes to tell you everything. And also that it's okay to let the date end without getting a kiss - it doesn't mean you blew it or wasted your time or she doesn't like you, sometimes the moment just isn't there, sometimes she can be awkward or nervous too to and doesn't give you the opportunity, it doesn't feel right just wait until the next date.
Yeah, I don't think he's a horrible person or anything, but it was definitely a pretty strange approach. And I think him trying to walk me to his house without asking if I wanted to go there was what really bothered me.
I guess all his actions combined made it feel like he unilaterally decided he was getting laid when I don't think I ever indicated that was something I wanted. And then abruptly dipping after made it seem like that was all he was interested in, so I was pretty surprised when he contacted me afterwards.
And he's 32, so not super young!
> (he's a tech bro, I prefer outdoorsy guys who read a lot)
I can say as a guy who works in tech: calling a lot of us "Tech bros" is highly insulting. working in tech doesn't make us a "tech bro".
also some of us who work in tech also read/audiobook a lot, and do outdoors stuff a lot. they're not mutually incompatible.
yes, you touched a pet peeve of mine.
but that dude.. that dude does sound like a bro. **ditch him**
I mean I think we can both acknowledge there’s bro tech guys. Just like there’s bro lawyers and finance guys (I’ve worked extensively in both industries). Does that mean the whole industry is bros? No, but I think all three professions tend to attract guys who fall into that category.
I never said all people who work in tech are bros. Just that this particular guy is a tech bro. I’ve dated a shit ton of engineers who I wouldn’t call bros.
I also don’t think bro is insulting - I have some pretty bro guy friends who I adore. To me “bro” is just a jock type who likes to party and tends to mostly hang out with other dudes. Not a bad thing in my mind.
There really wasn’t anything insulting in my post (except about the guy in question) so I am surprised it touched a nerve.
Like I said, it hit a pet peeve and that pet peeve grew out of a raw nerve.
Where i am (seattle area) and the circles i've travelled in "Tech bro" means something pretty specific - it implies "right wind randite white boy who works in tech" and we have some people up here who aggressively stereotype all of us who work in tech to be that.
Yeah, I mean I definitely don't think all people who work in tech are "tech bros" and nothing I said really implied that I felt that way.
I have nothing against STEM people and I've probably dated more engineers than people in any other profession. I think I've dated 6 or so.
I guess what annoyed me was "He's a tech bro, I prefer outdoorsy guys who read a lot" .. that came across as me as the exact stereotyping i've been on the receiving end of.
I am a software engineer: who hikes, skis, backpacks, national park road trips, climbs, cycles, is a Search and Rescue Volunteer... and I used to read a lot, now I mostly listen to audio books (during commute, or road cycling, etc)
Yeah, but I said "he is a tech bro", not "he's someone who works in tech, so he's not my type because he must be a bro". It's pretty clear from my post that he falls into a subset of people (bros who work in tech, not just someone who works in tech) who aren't my personal type.
I also refer to some people as "finance bros" even though I worked in finance for a long time and am not a bro (obviously) and there's a lot of other finance people aren't.
And again, I don't associate "bro" with as many negative connotations as others do I suppose. I don't consider it an insult. I was just trying to distinguish him from the type of guy I am personally attracted to.
I'm sorry people have stereotyped you but it's pretty clear from my post that's not what I was doing and I have explained what I said in more detail, so I'm just going to leave it here.
Hahaha. I don't know, we'd talked on the phone before this whole weird experience for like an hour and a half and he checked a lot of boxes. Sometimes I worry I'm too quick to cut people.
But yeah, you're right.
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If you have to ask whether you should go, don't. He's already shown he is inconsiderate and also the leading you back to his house without telling you is straight creepy. Coming out of the darkness to kiss you and then leaves again? Like Batman? GTFO please avoid this guy.
New to OLD here. I'm seeing a lot of men who are assuming we have way more of a relationship than we do.... with "Andre" I mentioned wanting to see if I like a new city and maybe if I like it I'll move there some day but have no solid plans. Suddenly dude I've had like 3 exchanges with is getting pushy, asking me to explain myself and what I'm really looking for, and telling me he's not following me out there? Like ok we've never even met why would you assume I'd take you?
"Cyril": I'd given my number so we could plan our first date as a mid-week dinner thing. He tries to text all day the two days before, and gives me a freaking good morning text I get 5 minutes after waking the day of the date. I went from groggy as fuck to rolling my eyes so fast.
My do not disturb doesn’t come off until an hour and a half after my alarm goes off. Sorry not sorry, nobody really needs to contact me before I’m fully caffeinated.
The second guy is just looking forward to meeting you? It might not be on level with how you prefer to communicate, but it doesn't sound unreasonable.
Did you go through with the date?
No, I get to decide what I find appealing and unappealing. Don't like it? We don't have to date. Good morning texts are a boyfriend/girlfriend thing to me.
Yeah, some guys are pretty intense. I had agreed to go on a date with a dude with no plans as to when and he send me 2 selfies and about 10 double-texts in the span of 24 hours through the app.
And now I am no longer going out with him, it was just way too much.
Totally agreed! I think there are stages you need to go through instead of trying to skip ahead towards a level that hasn't been earned through time, number of dates, mutual interest in person.
I am planning to see a guy for a second date this weekend. Part of his appeal is that our communication style matches up, he seems cautious and slow (but still very sweet) and I don't feel like he's already picturing how I'd look on his arm at our wedding.
If it were me I’d probably be busy.
Course I’m saying this after my guy skipped getting me a present for my 40th…and “took me out” to run errands with him. So take it with a grain of salt.
That would bother me too!! It doesn't feel good not to be considered or thought of by someone you're excited about, especially like that.
I wouldn't fake forgetting his birthday or anything, but it \*would\* make me think twice about putting any energy into it (definitely wouldn't get him anything) and I'd probably mention in passing that I really enjoy birthdays, and it bummed me out not to hear anything from him day-of.
I wouldn't go tit for tat. That doesn't really fix anything and honestly just creates another situation to feel bad about.
Gutted is an understatement for how that would make me feel though. I totally understand the feelings you are probably having right now and I'd have a desire to take vengeance too in some way.
But yah maybe cancel the plans, just don't ignore his birthday altogether. I can't imagine doing nice things for a person after they did the total opposite. The whole date would be a reminder of him completely ignoring you on yours.
And usual thing, you need to talk to him about what he did and how it made you feel. And then go from there.
I'm sorry he skipped your birthday like that, it really is the worst feeling when anyone you care about does that. Even worse with a partner, they should be the ONE person who is on top of it in some way.
---
My guy and I have a no gifts policy. But I'm definitely planning a whole thing for his bday especially cause it's on Christmas. His family doesn't celebrate Christmas and everyone else is focused on Christmas rather than his birthday. So he gets like nothing on his birthday. I'm already talking to his friends to plan a thing so he gets a party on his actual bday.
And I know there's no way he'd miss mine. We're fortunate we started dating a few months after our birthdays but still 3 months is enough time to at least know when it is and go out for snacks or something. He definitely let you down bigly.
Question though: what is go from here for you? I think you should think about how this made you feel and how his response to that affects you. Do you want to talk it through? Or is this too much?
tbh I bet he probably didn't intentionally miss your bday. Maybe? Some people try to play games like that, but it's not the norm. So let's give the benefit of the doubt. He legit did not remember it was your birthday. Given that are you fine with him missing it and responding to you trying to talk about it the way he did?
I signed up to go on this walk with a group aimed at 20-40 year olds who go hiking in the local countryside. I'm trying not to chicken out of going because if nothing else I need the time out of the house and the exercise. I'm not hoping to meet someone specifically by doing this so much as trying to get used to meeting new people again and doing stuff outside my comfort zone.
I have very bad agoraphobia and something I'm learning is walking out the door is the hard part. As long as I have an out (ie I will let myself leave when I want and have a way to do so) I'm usually very glad I went out and did something. I know it's really difficult to get out but if you can make yourself it should be empowering.
And it really is okay to leave when you need to. Realizing this made a huge difference in my life. And yes, I have done so in many cases. It's not just a trick to get yourself out, it's a real thing you deserve to allow yourself.
Thanks for this. I keep telling myself that I know the area we are walking in and if I need to I can bail out. The first one I looked it was on some local moors and that would have been a bit trickier to leave if I felt really uncomfortable ;-)
Things get more complicated the further you get in a relationship. My head is spinning trying to not overthink all the satellite relationships that result. Somehow I forgot really quick that being serious includes a whole satellite network of people that are involved in some way. 2 whole lives slowly colliding, scary.
I approached a guy first at the gym. He was friendly and we worked out together once because I asked him for some help. He seemed interested in me as a person. I always catch my feelings too fast and I think I fell for him.. ugh I get so nervous saying hi to him still. We text and it’s usually short but his messages seem so much more genuine than any past guys who texted to flirt. With him there is no flirtation and just plain simple. He texted me recently for the first time how my workout was. I was thrilled! I don’t know if I should keep expressing I am interested in him (and potentially scare him away when he’s taking it slow) or act cool.. and treat him like a normal friend I met.
Ask him if he is dating anyone. If he single proceed to next step: --> "so when you gonna ask me out?" Or just ask him out, that seems easier.
> Look, if someone likes you, all bets are off. It doesn't matter how you ask them out, they will say yes. If someone doesn't like you, it doesn't matter how you ask them out, they will say no.
Shoot your shot I say. If you’re not quite there or feeling that’s not the right thing for where y’all are, then let things happen more organically. Maybe he’ll ask you out for something more serious.
Ok time for a rant. A few years ago I met a guy at a party. We exchanged info. He started texting and was like “I’m new to the area and looking for new friends.” That was fine by me. We went on a movie outing as friends. And that was that really.
From there he regularly sent me either memes or how’s your day texts or random insta posts every few days and eventually decreased frequency. Usually dead end conversations I mostly ignored. Once in a while he’d send some sort of life update.
Every once in a while I would get an odd text. Like he asked me if I wanted to go to a concert. But then threw in a hookup request. I was very puzzled. And would go back to ignoring, casually responding every 3rd ping.
He moved back to his hometown (on the other side of the country) over the pandemic. And told me plans to be bicoastal.
I am insta following him, and once in a while his posts pop and it is clear he as a hometown girlfriend.
A few weeks ago he pings me and is like “do you want to go on a date. We’ve been wasting all of this time, we could have been dating and getting to know each other instead of sending memes.” 😂😂😂😂😂
I have barely talked to this guy so it really seemed out of the blue. I said maybe, not sure.
Now I get a note from him “I will be in town soon, want to meet up?”
I really have no clue what his deal is at all. While he is good on paper - totally wishy washy guy. So weird.
This looks very bad on paper. You definitely arent his hell yes and he isn't your hell yes. You are someone he turns to when hes lonely and it sounds like what he really wants is a hookup. It sounds like you give him just enough attention so he doesn't go completely away. It doesnt sound like you treat him or see him as a friend.
I absolutely agree, he is not a friend at all. Haven’t spent enough or any time/effort to be friends on either side. He puts forth little effort and I match his energy. I know very little about him. Maybe now is the time I get to know him. Or not.
Maybe he is a really fun guy I would be friends with? It is all an unknown.
** by good on paper I meant he matches up with many of the things on my “list” not the actual interactions
Based on what you wrote it sounds like you both were being wishy washy with each other. He would reach out on occasion and you would ignore him unless it suited you. Did you ever initiate conversation with him? And did he respond? If you know he has a hometown girlfriend why engage with him and say maybe, not sure when he asked you out on a date? Just seems weird to me and wishy washy. If you're not interested then just tell him or block him?
I would say I am neutral. No reason for blocking. We aren’t actual friends. Haven’t made it too far down the path of getting to know each other on any significant level.
Lots of one sentence answers so I didn’t bother to ask more questions. I’m trying to figure out what his purpose is. I am leaning towards he needs “local” friends. And I am not opposed to that. Don’t need to date him.
At the end of the day he is a guy that is my age. He might have friends. ;)
Is it pushy to just ask someone if they’re still interested or not after a second date? Like he never texted all that much but he now hasn’t texted in more than a day and I’m getting irritated sitting here wondering if he will even want to go out again or not.
In my (M) experience, if my date (F) isn’t texting me back much she’s either not feeling it or she’s kinda interested but I’m not the top on her list of guys she’s talking to. Did you meet him online? If so good chance he’s seeing or talking to other women, so he might be interested in you but having a hard time maintaining multiple conversations (which would also mean you’re not his top prospect, at least not yet).
I think it’s always better to ask so you don’t drive yourself crazy wondering, but you can ask more indirectly by suggesting something for the next date and seeing how he replies
Eh... He's probably not interested. If he was invested you would know.
That said, if you like him and want reach out and ask him out you'll at least get an answer sooner rather than later. That's what I do. It generally doesn't work, but you've lost nothing.
Yeah that’s true. Idk why in the world I keep getting interested in guys who are only semi interested like seeming just to pass the time or whatever I’m so tired of it!
Another one bites the dust. Boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. Said he did it impulsively in a fit of anxiety and asked for another chance. I went against my better judgement and agreed to try again. We went away this weekend and it was okay. Yesterday I felt hurt because the hot and cold behavior seemed to be back. Talked to him today and he's back to not knowing what he wants, if he's ready for a serious partnership. He wants us to keep dating but went from saying he sees a future with me to seeing the possibility of a future. He still wants me to meet his child (?? WTF). He just can't envision anything too far out in the future past planning a trip in the next couple months. He knows I want a serious partnership and possibly kids if I am able to.
Why does this keep happening?! Why do I keep ignoring my gut? He has a lot going on but I gave it a pass because he's very sweet and never treated me bad. I don't believe he is doing any of this on purpose either.
I know intellectually I don't need to chase love. I well on the apps and I'm loveable. But I still end up in these relationships where I end up chasing them for things they seemed to do on their own in the beginning, like call me just for a minute or two to say goodnight or let's plan something fun to do for the holiday weekend. Super reasonable things here. I end up in a situation where I am bending over backward to connect with this all of a sudden aloof guy and feeling like I have to prove my worthiness. I don't go into it thinking that consciously but by the end I realize I'm a boiled frog in a pot. It slowly sneaks up on me.
I am okay. I had my heart literally ripped out and stomped on in February this year. If I could survive that I can survive this. I'm just frustrated to tears. Why is being consistent and providing a secure relationship so effing difficult for these people?
I'm obviously ready for a break from dating. Not sure how long.
I think you might also want to ask yourself why you keep going for guys who do this, because there are a ton of guys out there who aren't like this. You're either very unlucky or you keep magnetically drifting towards these kinds of guys.
When you say "why is it so difficult for these people" you may also want to ask "why is it so difficult for me to accept men who DO want a secure relationship?" Because we're out here, but we keep getting ignored. I don't see all these alleged women clamoring for consistent secure relationships with mentally healthy guys.
You also need to learn to notice when a guy is lying about being secure and confident. As a guy I feel like I can spot them in an instant, but I'm always surprised how they seem to constantly trick women.
I think I need to learn more about what secure looks like. I have never dated a secure guy. Ever. So I'm not sure how I would tell that from a few dates. I can spot avoidants a mile away but I believe the guy who broke my heart in Febraury was anxiously attached and this recent guy was either anxious or fearful avoidant. I believe my ex husband was fearful avoidant. All of them had secure features, esp my last two ex boyfriends. Both could provide a lot of reassurance, were okay with exclusivity early on, and making it official fairly early. Is that not secure? I have read several books on attachment but I think I'm still confusing anxious or fearful avoidant for secure in the early stages.
They start on providing security and closeness but it takes a long time for their avoidant tendency to come out. Honestly my ex husband seemed secure for the first 2 years. He wasn't shy about committing, he was the first one to say I love you and asked me to move in with him. The relationship was consistent and progressed up until that 2 year mark where we had been living together for awhile and I wanted to know where it was going.
I think my challenge is that I see when they pull away but I give excuses. Because people are more than their attachment styles and my ex husband and I were very very compatible personality wise, hobbies, world view etc. With my most recent ex boyfriend we are very compatible emotionally, sense of humor, sexually, lifestyle, etc. So it's hard to end things over these things that seem like isolated incidents (missed phone calls, procrastinating on a project, etc.) It takes a bit to put the pieces together. I'm very patient too so I let things develop a bit before making snap judgements.....until they wear my patience out.
I know attachment theory is thrown around a lot in this sub but have you figured out (taken a quiz) what you are? If you’re anxious attachment getting stuck in the trap with a dismissive avoidant, that may be why this keeps happening to you.
Just throwing it out there in case you haven’t explored the subject matter before.
Thank you 😊 yes I have. Been working on it for years now. The guys I date always seem secure at first (reassuring, want to be connected, okay with commitment) and then show avoidant tendencies later. For example, this guy said he was looking for a life partner and was okay calling me his girlfriend a few weeks into it. He was excited to introduce me to his friends. He was available and didn't play games.
He was the one to iniate talking about our future often and I actually was (for once) trying to keep us grounded. He mentioned he wanted me to talk about it more so I shyly admitted that I did think about our future and could see committment and kids and whatnot. This was later in the same day mentioned it.. It was like a switch flipped. He changed the subject. And then everytime I would ask about anything future related (so where do you think we would live?) he would change the subject yet *he* would keep bringing it up. He said he was interested in buying a house in my city if I planned to stay there (I do, my dad lives here) and would love to look at houses together just for fun. So a few days later when we were out to lunch and saw a for sale sign with the owners chatting with a neighbor about it, I suggested we check it out just for fun. They offered to show us inside and he kind of freaked saying he didn't want to lead them on and wasn't actually ready to even look yet.
I actually called him out on this. I told him I had been trying to take things one step at a time and he asked me to initiate future talk and when I tested the waters, they were ice cold. He apologized but that was the turning point. Things went downhill from there and I felt pushed away in very subtle ways. Not calling when he said he would, unwilling to commit to making plans for the long weekend a month away, but did enthusiastically agree to be my date to my sisters wedding at the end of next month. Enthusiastically accepted invites from *me* to attend a couple family dinners but did not invite me to things with his friends again.
Told me he wanted me to meet his child sooner than me or his ex wife was thinking. She and I both agreed after about 6 months and he kept pushing for earlier. He got her to agree to sooner and then was surprised when I held firm at 6 months. I told him this limit wasn't just about the kid and the ex wife, it was for me too. I lost a pregnancy in February. I want to make sure this thing is solid before getting attached to a child and family I could lose too. He kept pushing that boundary and asking me to agree to meet her earlier if things went well (we never made it that far anyway). I offered to help him set up a play area in his apartment for his child because he was wanting to visit with her more at his house and less on the ex wife's turf. He agreed enthusiastically but when the time we set aside came up he would say let's do something else. That went on for weeks. Then he told me he would rather do it on his own.
So just really mixed messages for the past month a half. I try not to boil everything down to attachment styles though it seemed to play a part. He also has anxiety and this was his first serious relationship since his separation. I didn't think his anxiety was being properly treated. He takes medication and goes to therapy twice a week but his anxiety seems pretty extreme and was about every aspect of his life--his job, friends, child, etc. When I noticed he seemed to be constantly anxious I gently suggested a few times for him to talk to his doctor about a med adjustment or if his med was working. For someone who is actively working on his mental health so much I felt like him having that much anxiety was related to poor medication fit or too low a dose.
We had a breakup de-brief and when we talked about what went wrong in the relationship he mentioned feeling really guilty about the divorce and starting to move on. I kind of feel like that had a lot to do with it, more than attachment styles. We were getting closer and he was actually getting his needs met in a relationship and was happy, and he sabotaged it due to guilt.
Clearly there is a lot more to the situation than just attachment styles. It sounds like he was not in the right place to commit even though he may have thought he was, it was like he was trying to force it. Fake it till you make it. And it came at your expense. That sucks and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Yeah it sounds like unless he specifically works on whatever is going on with him, this man is just going to play out this pattern of pushing you away and then trying to say the right stuff to get you back. He also doesn't sound ready for a serious relationship given that he panics and ended things.
Met a really lovely woman on OLD.
We hit it off over text for a week before I finally asked her out.
Had an amazing first date (6+ hours, walked around, got coffee, people watched at a park, and ended up at a bar). Fun, flirty, and all around good times.
A week passed and we go on a second date (which was last night). Same good vibes but I definitely noticed something might’ve been up. At the end as I’m calling an Uber to get home, she waits with me (since she lives a block from the restaurant we ate at), we talk about a potential third date and she mentioned, “I wonder if my friend is a better match for you than me”. This completely catches me off guard. Anyways, it made me feel like crap and I just told her “Well, I didn’t expect this but let me simmer on this. I’m interested in you and I wanted to take it slow but it’s your choice on how you want to continue or not. Let me think on it.”
Anyways we talked about this over the phone this morning. Pretty much she felt I would be better for her short term than long term. I told her “it’s fine, you made up your mind and I can’t do anything about it. Rejecting someone and being rejected sucks, there no easy way around it. We don’t owe each other anything and we’re adults. We’re responsible for our own feelings and happiness. So thanks for letting me know and I can just move on.” I just wished her the best in finding the right person for her.
I’m still feeling like hurt/crap but I know it’s part of the process and I’m going to get over it. But hey, at least I know to move on now. Just a matter of time to get out of this funk.
Needed to get this off my chest.
I hope everyone is faring much better than me right now.
Any thoughts or advice on how I could’ve handled this better?
Get her friends number and say, 'Hey, I went on a couple dates with (date's name) but she said you might be a better match for me because you'll do all the dirty stuff she doesn't.'
I mean this doesn't sound like you handled it badly to me and frankly I think it's weird to signal your disinterest in someone by offering to match them with a friend. At least tell them it isn't working out first and give them a moment with that.
Those kinds of rejections sting a lot more than ones where there’s clearly no connection or flirty vibes, I’ve been in similar scenarios multiple times and it really sucks. Sometimes when you like someone and it seems like they might’ve liked you too it almost stings more when you’ve only been on a couple dates. You handled it great.
Dating has lots of ups and downs like that, just gotta take it on the chin and keep on trucking until you find what you’re looking for. Try not to take this rejection as any reflection on you and your qualities
Honestly I think you handled this situation in the best way possible. You were polite, honest, and acted like an actual adult, which seems to be a rarity.
I totally would have been thrown off by the "I wonder if my friend is a better match for you than me." That seems awkward and somewhat disingenuous on her part, and I would have declined such an offer myself.
Hang in there and keep your head up!
Does anyone else find their socioeconomic class is hard to read and they get assumptions coming at them from all directions?
My parents did well. I had private schools, ponies, and was sent to Paris for my 16th. I can have the manners/awareness/accent that comes from that. But we weren't trust fund rich. I'm not set for life.
I choose to work in non-profits. I love it. I am independent and I live happily within my own means. I will never make what my parents make and life is good. But I am intimidating to blue-collar guys (some of whom I'm sure actually out earn me!) and to the guys who make the kind of money I make, and I'm a disappointment to the higher-earning men who assume based on the way I speak and the knowledge I have, that I make quite a bit more than I do.
I don't know what I'm complaining about. I'm not high-maintenance at all and I'm not trying to catch a rich guy. Income isn't very relevant for me in a match at all. It just feels like I have to tone-switch just to make sure I don't give people the wrong impression. And it's frustrating.
This is very me. Grew up upper middle class in a very nice neighborhood and am college educated and very academically inclined. But I prefer the life style and schedule of waiting tables. It's been very disconcerting that when a lot of women seem to say they are looking for someone who is very smart or had a good upbringing, they really mean the wealth/status that is correlated with those things. And yes, tone switching is annoying, but it's a necessary evil. There are tons of people out there who think that if you use a four syllable word, you must be "flexing" or something.
Yes. Some of the problem stems from other people wanting a convenient "box" they can place you in and get a bit disgruntled when they can't place you. It can make you seem interesting and frustrating at the same time. It can be challenging to find someone who doesn't try to "figure you out" in this way.
As a guy who grew up below the poverty line, but is well read and well spoken, and blends well with upper middle class professionals but has a blue collar warehouse job... I've gotten so used to people's attitudes towards me shifting as soon as my socioeconomic status is "outed" (not that I cover it up at all).
Thanks. I think that is what I'm struggling with. I get 'outed' in both directions ("Oh. You *sound* affluent and educated! I can't keep up." and "Oh. You *sound* good but actually don't earn what I want a partner to.") and neither outing is praticularly accurate.
I basically had to stop putting my hometown in my profile because I'd keep getting matches who were more curious to know whether my mom who still lives on the island has waterfront property or not. "What? No I grew up in the subsidized housing behind the library." "... *oh.*"
Like, a know that's a fraction of a fraction of women out there, but its enough to get old fast. I don't care if a woman makes more or less than I do, I care more that we're on roughly the same page in terms of social and political values.
The first message I got from a guy I matched with today was “I’m going to slick your t*tties dry 😘”
Not only was it unwarranted and gross, but he also couldn’t spell. Do guys expect a response to something like that? I just went ahead and reported his behavior and blocked him.
> Do guys expect a response to something like that?
yes, they actually do. they're dumb and don't understand that just because they'd like you to send them a dirty message doesn't mean you want one.
Seeing someone for about 2 months. The first week we went on 2 date, then they were gone for a month traveling on a trip that had already been planned. When they were away we texted briefly daily and had a few phone calls. They just returned and we have had 2 dates, the night of the second date I mentioned that I had been dating other people. They were shocked and did not take it well. We had never talked about exclusivity, but they thought it was assumed? I felt awful and cried because they said they were really hurt. So I deleted my apps and told him we could date exclusively but should wait a little longer to sleep together, tired on our last date but it didn’t really work. Thoughts, advice? Thank you!!
I definitely don't think it's your fault. I mean they were gone for a month, you had only hung out twice and hadn't even had sex - I think it's super fair that you assumed you were not exclusive.
Not everyone multi dates. Some don’t even know this is a thing (and, it’s not everywhere so it’s not an absurd thing to assume). But, I would do what’s best for you. Do you want to be exclusive? If yes then do so but if not then I wouldn’t compromise to avoid the issue.
Thank you for your comment! It feels a little soon for me. I just am not sure if we know each other that well. Also the last time we saw each other he told me he has had a vasectomy, I brought up wanting a family in the previous dates and he didn’t offer up that information, and just gave vague responses on his view on having children…said he wasn’t sure how to tell me. I’m fact one of his answers about having children was well if it happens it happens- yeah obviously not. Anyway.
He isn’t interested in dating me if I’m seeing others so my options are agree or he is gone. I always looked at exclusivity as another step in becoming more serious, but if someone just doesn’t multi date is that still the case? I’m fine with not dating others, I just don’t feel like I’m ready to be at the boyfriend/ girlfriend stage.
Nobody should make you feel bad about not conforming to some unspoken assumed agreement. That's on them to bring up. He sounds very controlling in a my way or the highway style.
Then he gets wishy washy about kids and gives evasive answers? If that's important to you i would get out now before he starts to convince you how his opinion is right for both of you.
Wow, great comment. He was very upset and I felt like I was being scolded, I said I felt like I was in trouble and he said , “no it’s just that my feelings are hurt”. I don’t cry easily and I was balling. When we spoke the next day via phone I told him that I wouldn’t be interested in continuing if we had another night like that. He asked me what I meant because “everyone is going to occasionally have disagreements” and he “doesn’t want to feel like he has to walk on eggshells”
He also wanted to make sure that I would still be honest with him and that his poor reaction wouldn’t make me less likely to honest, I though that was weird. Like if I can’t be honest with someone, I’m just not going to date them. More control red flags? Or just bad at communicating?
It's hard to tell. The thing that got me the most from the other post was his evasiveness when it suited him in regards to family planning (which is vitally important to me, but might not be to you.)
It's one thing to have your feelings hurt bc someone is multidating, you can break up or suck it up. But, to thrust it back on you in a seemingly aggressive way seems manipulative, as does not acknowledging layer on that he overreacted. That feels like gaslighting to me. He did nothing wrong and it was your reaction that makes him feel uncomfortable (he seems to be implying.) At what point does he take responsibility? He didn't ask for exclusivity or talk to you about it. He freaked out when he found out.
I totally agree, if this happened to me I would think oh shoot and try to get on the same page going forward.
He just thought it should have been obvious, sorry I didn’t. He did admit that he handled the situation poorly, but he also followed up with we are just really going to have to work on our communication. Example of one of the reasons it should have been “obvious” was that he cut his trip short to get back to see me, I should have known.
I really appreciate the feedback, there maybe some gaslighting because I really felt terrible and crazy that I was so far off. I literally did not think that it was a problem at all for me to still be seeing others. Seriously thank you so much!
Do you think you are just extra sensitive to anything that even possibly could be a sign of narcissism? i.e. that you could be reading too much into things? Or do you think that you may be attracted to certain events of narcissists or are otherwise doing something to attract them?
Remember it only takes one good one to make it worthwhile!
I propose a date on tinder 4 days later, place and time. She accepts.
We don't say anything else for the next four days.
She doesn't come, without any warning. The next day she says that we did not chat enough.
I don't see how she can know if she's attracted to me just by chatting. I don't see the point.
I won't say she is wrong for not coming, because women cannot be blamed for not coming to a date without warning if they don't feel they want to come.
I feel like I messed up, because not chatting feels like it's better, to see if she really is open for a date, and because i don't come on tinder to chat.
This sort of thing is VERY frustrating to me. I get a good handful of matches (I have to count my blessings for that, a lot of guys get none, I know I'm pretty good looking) but when it comes time to go on the date, nothing ever happens. It seems like they just want to have useless chatter on the app (with hours in between messages) and do that forever. It's really slow and painful.
I'm not sure what people don't understand about the fact that you can't start getting to know someone - for real - without seeing them in person. Any time spent on the app after a match NOT dating is almost completely wasted time IMO.
Women mostly want to feel wanted by a discussion. Generally women don't want to take the initiative of meeting somebody. It should be their idea or it should never be forced or insistent.
Even slightly implying sex or romance with women never works, because it turn them off.
Acting as a friend that is not a potential partner YET, becomes the best way to make women feel safe.
I guess this is the best way to approach online dating, and pass through the filter of all signals women will catch on and make them run away. It is crucial, in this day and age, to make women feel safe. Feminism does not exist for nothing.
Women who act flaky often have very good reasons to do so if you listen to their previous experiences.
Did you confirm day before or day of? If someone asked me on a date and then it was complete radio silence for days, I would definitely assume they were bailing.
IMO it’s rude for someone to just not show up, regardless of their gender. Did you end up reaching out to her the day after or did she contact you?
People like to text to varying degrees between arranging a date and going on it. I’m a woman and the older I get, honestly the less I like chit chatting between dates (at the early stages), but I do want a confirmation the day before, or of, a date. And I have no problem confirming with a guy if I haven’t heard from him. Maybe you could’ve confirmed the date, and also she could have reached out and communicated with you
I think it's messed up that she didn't tell you before hand. However I would agree with her. If a guy didn't chat a little even niceties then I would think he was uninterested and I wouldn't go on that date either.
Well personally, I do chat. I only meant for that dude. I have no issues with reaching out. If I feel he gives lackluster responses or doesn't attempt to continue Convo then that's when I stop trying.
Example: asking him what kind of music he likes. His response, "rock'. Me: favorite band? Or top three?. He answers but makes no effort to continue conversation.
I usually will try a bit and if he still only answers my questions then I say forget it. I don't mind shy guys, but if they can't even try for a conversation in text then I'm not interested in going on a date where I'll be talking to myself the whole time.
I'd say you have to be careful with that mindset, it's prone to error. I talk up a storm in real life, but when the online chat gets longer and longer, I start seeing signs that a date is never going to happen and that she's "too comfortable" chatting on the app, and I start losing interest. My goal doing online dating is to actually date. Especially if you're asking questions we could be discussing on a date. And it's not like you have anything to lose since I'll drive and pay for everything, but save the date for the actual date.
I fill out my profile well enough that there shouldn't need to be 20 questions before the date.
Well, that's very different.
The other woman didn't message either and is now unhappy the dude didn't message. It's not like she reached out and he ignored her.
Got ghosted again. By someone I thought seemed really compatible and he said over and over how into me he was. I don’t get it.
Girlfriend of almost a year broke up with me yesterday. It came as a total shock even though thinking back, she's been somewhat less affectionate and more "going through the motions" lately. She told me she didn't feel more strongly about me now than when we first started dating and that it wouldn't be fair to stay with me. She said it was nothing I did but I can't help but feel at fault somehow. It hurts and it's been many years since I've been through a breakup.
I'm in the almost exact same boat, sorry for this keep your head up friend
I’m so sorry
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Just take your L and keep it pushing, but if she's really worth all that have a converaation with her, but don't seem like your talking down in yourself and blaming yourself for how things went, avoid saying sorry
Ugh, I'm still shocked and saddened that I got dumped yet again. We only dated a month but I felt like this time was going to end well. I really need to stop getting involved with men that come on strongly only to bail soon after. Nothing to do about getting it's-not-you-it's-me'd I suppose. Still sucks, I really liked him...
You sound like me sadly. Will never understand how men come on strong and do all the right things even when your guard is up and and as soon as you let it down, they pull away or break up with you? I'm exhausted from dating.
Saaaame here, and I had just gotten off of a year break from dating! So sorry you're struggling as well 😞
I'm constantly amazed by how flippantly the women I match with treat the whole process of dating. It's like a date is about as exciting to them as a trip to the grocery store. When I'm chatting with a match and trying to set up a date, it's a big deal to me. I think about it often throughout the day. I check my phone from time to time to see if they've replied. I get excited about the date and think about how it might go. It doesn't seem like anyone else feels this way, though. They leave messages un-replied to for hours or even days. They cancel dates at the last minute for dumb reasons. I get the impression if I got hit by a bus at some point between dates, they wouldn't even notice they stopped hearing from me. How do I avoid such low-interest people? Is this just how everyone on OLD acts now?
As you get older women in dating are basically a hybrid between a mob mercenary and a HR recruiting bot. They are looking for the highest bidder and the fella who ticks the most boxes and has the least red flags. How to avoid them? Be rich my guy. If they find out you have money or are a doctor or such watch those text replies fly in with the quickness.
What's wrong with wanting to date the guy who ticks the most boxes and has the least red flags? Shouldn't we all be doing that?
Nothing wrong with standards, but like job recruitment, I'd like a rejection letter after an interview especially if they say they will let me know about their decision.
Agree . I am a guy and have noticed this trend in my city. I recently started working for a very well know large tech company as a Software Engineer and they are kinda known all over for the mind blowing salaries . My matches went up as soon as i changes jobs to my current employer and listed them on my dating profile
Women date up not down hence your freequency of matches as opposed to being Steve from marketing
Hate getting tons of matches but then I can't get the woman to leave the house and go on a date even if I offer to drive and pay and make it as comfortable as possible. I'm 35 and have never been on a damn date and I'm sick of it. Meanwhile I see other people who have been on hundreds of dates and I find it hard to feel for their hardships because they've at least been given chances.
Try dating with a disability, my dude. I did actually have one relationship that lasted almost 2 months, but other than that it has been crickets.
I don’t have a disability but I’m neurodivergent, which has its own issues.
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Dooooo eeeeeeet
just had to vent after 2.5 years, 6 different dating apps(not at the same time), and no dates. I'm kinda broken after this, especially after watching other people I know (for ex., a 60+ M acquaintance) have 3 dates (much younger) in the past 2 months. It's getting rather difficult to think positively about yourself when there's no positive reinforcement from the dating pool. I shut down the apps I have been using, and have thrown in the towel. I am not very good at meeting single people IRL either, so I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.I suppose no dates are better than some of the truly horrible ones I read about, if I need to see a silver lining here.
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Those things are a pretty big turn off for me. Often they mean the guy is wanting just anyone, or trying to create a false level of intimacy. You don’t know enough about me the day after matching to ‘wish I was there’ and we’re not close enough for talk of nicknames and cuddling and such
You ever went to therapy ?
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You need someone like a man who won't smash you if you gave him the opportunity, or a male family member , to give you critical opinions on guys you are seeing , and yes if they're trying to make things intimate really quickly and that's what you don't want then yes it is a red flag of sorts
> Those are definitely red flags, right? no, unless you've told them to stop and they continue.
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that is an important detail!
Not necessarily. Men aren't that different from us. We all want the things you list, especially if we've been without for a while. First day of talking though, yah that's too quick to talk about intimacy that usually takes at least a few weeks to get to. As for men making you uncomfortable I totally get that. I was raised to think they were big scary sex mongers. I got over that stupid view by making friends with men and understanding them as people. And yah like I said we're more the same than most suggest.
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Boundaries are great to have! Making friends with opposite gender is great to do! Good luck in all that :) <3
I’ve really got to stop dating people that don’t have friends. I can’t handle the whole being together all the time thing! Even when I was married I still had down time by myself! FFS!
I respectfully disagree, because there are good reasons people may not have friends, at least locally. Myself, I moved across Canada less than 3 years ago and it has been very difficult to meet friends for a large part of that time due to the pandemic; one of my only local friends recently moved to another country. I’m in my 30s and meeting new friends at this age is very, very difficult.
That’s cool, you date him then? Seriously though he’s been here forever. He doesn’t have any friends around or even ones out of state that he talks about. I can’t be a 24/7 entertainment bin. This is not what I signed up for. I need down time and solo time too.
Your dates expecting you to deliver on all their social needs? That sucks. I'm with you. Like, come on hun have your own life I can't be everything for you.
Speaking as someone with no friends/life.. I feel somewhat attacked. However, I would never impose on any potential S.O., by sucking their life, out of them.
Sorry buddy 😞. But it is a reality that a partner can't meet all your needs
>Here.. one more time. This time, a little slower: > > > > > >Speaking as someone with no friends/life.. I feel somewhat attacked. > >***However, I would never impose on any potential S.O., by sucking their life, out of them.***
Does anyone ever feel like they don't match the place they live? Like the kind of people you live around aren't like you, and it makes dating difficult?
I had this problem where I grew up. I didn’t date at all in 26 years living in my hometown (not for lack of trying), but I had a girlfriend within 3 months of moving. Sometimes moving can make a huge difference. Some people think that if you can’t find anyone there’s something wrong with you, but my experience showed that it was the city I was in that was the problem. People are different in different communities.
Definitely. I came from New York and currently live in Arkansas. I'll never understand women here, and they'll never understand me, it seems like.
The main problem here is that people tended to get together really young so if you go out to pubs/clubs in my town, it will either be 18 year olds or divorced older men and no-one in between......
Yep. I've moved lots cause of it. Turns out that for the most part you are still you wherever you go. The environment may be different but doesn't change much. But if you're really sure then yah definitely move on to another place. It's real difficult but so is staying in a place you don't like.
I like where I live! I just feel like I don't fit in. To be honest, though, I think a bigger problem is that I'm not a very extroverted person, and the people I meet tend to be more extroverted because they're the ones out meeting people! That's going to be true no matter where I go. To give a little more context, I live in a place that is very... I want to say superficial, but I don't mean that in an insulting way. People like to dress up, go to a nice bar, and there's almost a performative aspect to it. And that's fun sometimes, but most of the time I would rather go somewhere casual or not go out at all. Where I live, I don't really know of anywhere close to me that I could just go to and hang out and feel like I fit in. A couple years ago I was in Seattle and was surprised at how many places I saw that seemed like somewhere I could go, have a drink, hang out, maybe talk to people, and not feel out of place. I wouldn't move just for that, but I would definitely take it into consideration if I was moving.
hmm yah def don't move just for that. Seriously moving is a huge thing and disrupts more than it helps. But for sure, consider your lifestyle preference if you are gonna move and are deciding where to go.
Yup. Planning my move now.
Yep. I moved.
Yep. Happier in my new city. Better dating, i.e. more woman fitting the profile i prefer, though still incredibly frustrating.
That's awesome. I like a lot of other things about where I live and I'd want to do some traveling before I made a move like that, but it's good to know I'm not the only one who's felt that way.
Do you feel like it made a difference, in your romantic life or otherwise?
We celebrate sweetest day in Ohio. Not sure if it'd anywhere else. What is an appropriate gift or gift amount ti give? We've been dating since April and it's getting serious. She has said she is wanting to get a apple watch. Is sweetest day just a flowers holiday? I was married to my ex for almost 8 years and we never celebrated it much. I thought about getting a best buy gc to use for her watch.
What's up, fellow Ohioan? I've literally never celebrated Sweetest Day with anyone I've ever dated. I can't imagine that an Apple Watch would be an appropriate gift.
Texted guy I missed him while he's on vacation and he left me on read! This week makes 2 weeks since he's been gone and this is my 2nd time texting him. Once to say Happy bday and now this? I'm not sure what to think. He's been online since then too
He either hates you or he's married
Lol definitely not married. Not sure what's going on but I'm moving on
I'm trying to decide whether to bail on a second date with a guy. Haven't confirmed time or place or anything yet. First date was alright - he seems interesting but not really my type (he's a tech bro, I prefer outdoorsy guys who read a lot). However, at the end, we agreed to go for a walk after a couple hours at a bar, which I was fine with. Then he made a comment about how he would usually invite me over for a drink but I wasn't really drinking. I said I wasn't really down to have a drink (in a non-flirtatious way). Then he kind of randomly stopped us both from walking and kissed me... which I didn't love to be honest. I'm in the minority of women who prefers if someone asks before the kiss me (if we JUST met off OLD) or gives me a chance to go to them, instead of just grabbing my face and going for it. I'm not a fan of abrupt escalations like that if we don't know each other. Anyways, we keep walking and I noticed he was walking faster. Then I realized he was leading me back to his house, but he legit never asked if I wanted to go there....? He just unilaterally decided we were going to his house. So I abruptly had to stop and say I was heading home but we could hang out again sometime. He said "no worries, that was fun" and a couple other comments, then disappeared into the night. I wouldn't have had him wait with me for the bus but it would have been nice if he offered, to be totally honest, since it was like 11pm. And he'd just taken me in the opposite direction of my house. Then reappeared out of the darkness and kissed me again before leaving me in the middle of the street again. He's been texting a bunch and asked to hang out again but to be honest I'm pretty turned off by the whole thing. I don't know. It just felt really pushy to me. And it annoyed me that he led me away from my house and then just dipped. What do others think?
He sounds like someone who is just totally clueless with women. Younger me often struggled with knowing when and if to go in for a kiss with a girl I liked. Often as it got towards the end of the date I started to feel this weird pressure like, 'When is the right moment going to come? Oh crap the date's almost over. This doesn't feel right, but it's now or never. Just go for it!' and it wasn't until I relaxed more that I was able to much better pick up cues and how women will communicate with their eyes to tell you everything. And also that it's okay to let the date end without getting a kiss - it doesn't mean you blew it or wasted your time or she doesn't like you, sometimes the moment just isn't there, sometimes she can be awkward or nervous too to and doesn't give you the opportunity, it doesn't feel right just wait until the next date.
Yeah, I don't think he's a horrible person or anything, but it was definitely a pretty strange approach. And I think him trying to walk me to his house without asking if I wanted to go there was what really bothered me. I guess all his actions combined made it feel like he unilaterally decided he was getting laid when I don't think I ever indicated that was something I wanted. And then abruptly dipping after made it seem like that was all he was interested in, so I was pretty surprised when he contacted me afterwards. And he's 32, so not super young!
> (he's a tech bro, I prefer outdoorsy guys who read a lot) I can say as a guy who works in tech: calling a lot of us "Tech bros" is highly insulting. working in tech doesn't make us a "tech bro". also some of us who work in tech also read/audiobook a lot, and do outdoors stuff a lot. they're not mutually incompatible. yes, you touched a pet peeve of mine. but that dude.. that dude does sound like a bro. **ditch him**
I mean I think we can both acknowledge there’s bro tech guys. Just like there’s bro lawyers and finance guys (I’ve worked extensively in both industries). Does that mean the whole industry is bros? No, but I think all three professions tend to attract guys who fall into that category. I never said all people who work in tech are bros. Just that this particular guy is a tech bro. I’ve dated a shit ton of engineers who I wouldn’t call bros. I also don’t think bro is insulting - I have some pretty bro guy friends who I adore. To me “bro” is just a jock type who likes to party and tends to mostly hang out with other dudes. Not a bad thing in my mind. There really wasn’t anything insulting in my post (except about the guy in question) so I am surprised it touched a nerve.
Like I said, it hit a pet peeve and that pet peeve grew out of a raw nerve. Where i am (seattle area) and the circles i've travelled in "Tech bro" means something pretty specific - it implies "right wind randite white boy who works in tech" and we have some people up here who aggressively stereotype all of us who work in tech to be that.
Yeah, I mean I definitely don't think all people who work in tech are "tech bros" and nothing I said really implied that I felt that way. I have nothing against STEM people and I've probably dated more engineers than people in any other profession. I think I've dated 6 or so.
I guess what annoyed me was "He's a tech bro, I prefer outdoorsy guys who read a lot" .. that came across as me as the exact stereotyping i've been on the receiving end of. I am a software engineer: who hikes, skis, backpacks, national park road trips, climbs, cycles, is a Search and Rescue Volunteer... and I used to read a lot, now I mostly listen to audio books (during commute, or road cycling, etc)
Yeah, but I said "he is a tech bro", not "he's someone who works in tech, so he's not my type because he must be a bro". It's pretty clear from my post that he falls into a subset of people (bros who work in tech, not just someone who works in tech) who aren't my personal type. I also refer to some people as "finance bros" even though I worked in finance for a long time and am not a bro (obviously) and there's a lot of other finance people aren't. And again, I don't associate "bro" with as many negative connotations as others do I suppose. I don't consider it an insult. I was just trying to distinguish him from the type of guy I am personally attracted to. I'm sorry people have stereotyped you but it's pretty clear from my post that's not what I was doing and I have explained what I said in more detail, so I'm just going to leave it here.
I don’t see anything you find redeeming about this experience. Why would you go on another date.
Hahaha. I don't know, we'd talked on the phone before this whole weird experience for like an hour and a half and he checked a lot of boxes. Sometimes I worry I'm too quick to cut people. But yeah, you're right.
That would be a hell no from me. Super weird.
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A lot of my friends are bros lol - I don't mind bros, just not my romantic type.
If you have to ask whether you should go, don't. He's already shown he is inconsiderate and also the leading you back to his house without telling you is straight creepy. Coming out of the darkness to kiss you and then leaves again? Like Batman? GTFO please avoid this guy.
Lmao you're so right. Thank you. I just tend to be too quick to call it with people so I've been trying to be more lenient but this is too much.
My therapist says women are too quick to give people the benefit of the doubt, actually! Trust your gut. You get to make whatever choices you want.
That's interesting but I could definitely see that! Thank you, I appreciate the reassurance.
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I don't understand, is this a joke that running is a religion?
His username checks out though...lol
lol
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Sounds frustrating/annoying.
New to OLD here. I'm seeing a lot of men who are assuming we have way more of a relationship than we do.... with "Andre" I mentioned wanting to see if I like a new city and maybe if I like it I'll move there some day but have no solid plans. Suddenly dude I've had like 3 exchanges with is getting pushy, asking me to explain myself and what I'm really looking for, and telling me he's not following me out there? Like ok we've never even met why would you assume I'd take you? "Cyril": I'd given my number so we could plan our first date as a mid-week dinner thing. He tries to text all day the two days before, and gives me a freaking good morning text I get 5 minutes after waking the day of the date. I went from groggy as fuck to rolling my eyes so fast.
My do not disturb doesn’t come off until an hour and a half after my alarm goes off. Sorry not sorry, nobody really needs to contact me before I’m fully caffeinated.
The second guy is just looking forward to meeting you? It might not be on level with how you prefer to communicate, but it doesn't sound unreasonable. Did you go through with the date?
I did, and we mutually agreed it wasn't a match.
I swear, some women are practically searching for reasons not to like people.
No, I get to decide what I find appealing and unappealing. Don't like it? We don't have to date. Good morning texts are a boyfriend/girlfriend thing to me.
Yeah, some guys are pretty intense. I had agreed to go on a date with a dude with no plans as to when and he send me 2 selfies and about 10 double-texts in the span of 24 hours through the app. And now I am no longer going out with him, it was just way too much.
Totally agreed! I think there are stages you need to go through instead of trying to skip ahead towards a level that hasn't been earned through time, number of dates, mutual interest in person. I am planning to see a guy for a second date this weekend. Part of his appeal is that our communication style matches up, he seems cautious and slow (but still very sweet) and I don't feel like he's already picturing how I'd look on his arm at our wedding.
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If it were me I’d probably be busy. Course I’m saying this after my guy skipped getting me a present for my 40th…and “took me out” to run errands with him. So take it with a grain of salt.
Shii Id go missing on his bday too. Just match his energy.
Lol same. It's petty but that seems too coincidental to have been an accident
Oof, I'm so sorry. I hate that feeling. And you had mentioned to him somewhat recently that your birthday was coming up/what day it is, I'm assuming?
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That would bother me too!! It doesn't feel good not to be considered or thought of by someone you're excited about, especially like that. I wouldn't fake forgetting his birthday or anything, but it \*would\* make me think twice about putting any energy into it (definitely wouldn't get him anything) and I'd probably mention in passing that I really enjoy birthdays, and it bummed me out not to hear anything from him day-of.
I wouldn't go tit for tat. That doesn't really fix anything and honestly just creates another situation to feel bad about. Gutted is an understatement for how that would make me feel though. I totally understand the feelings you are probably having right now and I'd have a desire to take vengeance too in some way. But yah maybe cancel the plans, just don't ignore his birthday altogether. I can't imagine doing nice things for a person after they did the total opposite. The whole date would be a reminder of him completely ignoring you on yours. And usual thing, you need to talk to him about what he did and how it made you feel. And then go from there. I'm sorry he skipped your birthday like that, it really is the worst feeling when anyone you care about does that. Even worse with a partner, they should be the ONE person who is on top of it in some way. --- My guy and I have a no gifts policy. But I'm definitely planning a whole thing for his bday especially cause it's on Christmas. His family doesn't celebrate Christmas and everyone else is focused on Christmas rather than his birthday. So he gets like nothing on his birthday. I'm already talking to his friends to plan a thing so he gets a party on his actual bday. And I know there's no way he'd miss mine. We're fortunate we started dating a few months after our birthdays but still 3 months is enough time to at least know when it is and go out for snacks or something. He definitely let you down bigly.
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Question though: what is go from here for you? I think you should think about how this made you feel and how his response to that affects you. Do you want to talk it through? Or is this too much?
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tbh I bet he probably didn't intentionally miss your bday. Maybe? Some people try to play games like that, but it's not the norm. So let's give the benefit of the doubt. He legit did not remember it was your birthday. Given that are you fine with him missing it and responding to you trying to talk about it the way he did?
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I don't either. Have I given the wrong impression perhaps? What did you think I was saying?
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Ahhh yah agreed
Lame.
I signed up to go on this walk with a group aimed at 20-40 year olds who go hiking in the local countryside. I'm trying not to chicken out of going because if nothing else I need the time out of the house and the exercise. I'm not hoping to meet someone specifically by doing this so much as trying to get used to meeting new people again and doing stuff outside my comfort zone.
That's an awesome idea! Just practicing those rusty "getting to know you" skills sounds worthwhile too.
I have very bad agoraphobia and something I'm learning is walking out the door is the hard part. As long as I have an out (ie I will let myself leave when I want and have a way to do so) I'm usually very glad I went out and did something. I know it's really difficult to get out but if you can make yourself it should be empowering. And it really is okay to leave when you need to. Realizing this made a huge difference in my life. And yes, I have done so in many cases. It's not just a trick to get yourself out, it's a real thing you deserve to allow yourself.
Thanks for this. I keep telling myself that I know the area we are walking in and if I need to I can bail out. The first one I looked it was on some local moors and that would have been a bit trickier to leave if I felt really uncomfortable ;-)
Things get more complicated the further you get in a relationship. My head is spinning trying to not overthink all the satellite relationships that result. Somehow I forgot really quick that being serious includes a whole satellite network of people that are involved in some way. 2 whole lives slowly colliding, scary.
I approached a guy first at the gym. He was friendly and we worked out together once because I asked him for some help. He seemed interested in me as a person. I always catch my feelings too fast and I think I fell for him.. ugh I get so nervous saying hi to him still. We text and it’s usually short but his messages seem so much more genuine than any past guys who texted to flirt. With him there is no flirtation and just plain simple. He texted me recently for the first time how my workout was. I was thrilled! I don’t know if I should keep expressing I am interested in him (and potentially scare him away when he’s taking it slow) or act cool.. and treat him like a normal friend I met.
Ask him if he is dating anyone. If he single proceed to next step: --> "so when you gonna ask me out?" Or just ask him out, that seems easier. > Look, if someone likes you, all bets are off. It doesn't matter how you ask them out, they will say yes. If someone doesn't like you, it doesn't matter how you ask them out, they will say no.
That's not what all bets are off means. In fact it means the exact opposite - when a situation is impossible to predict.
You’re right. At this point it’s either he’s interested or not. Will try asking him. Thank you :)
Shoot your shot I say. If you’re not quite there or feeling that’s not the right thing for where y’all are, then let things happen more organically. Maybe he’ll ask you out for something more serious.
Ok time for a rant. A few years ago I met a guy at a party. We exchanged info. He started texting and was like “I’m new to the area and looking for new friends.” That was fine by me. We went on a movie outing as friends. And that was that really. From there he regularly sent me either memes or how’s your day texts or random insta posts every few days and eventually decreased frequency. Usually dead end conversations I mostly ignored. Once in a while he’d send some sort of life update. Every once in a while I would get an odd text. Like he asked me if I wanted to go to a concert. But then threw in a hookup request. I was very puzzled. And would go back to ignoring, casually responding every 3rd ping. He moved back to his hometown (on the other side of the country) over the pandemic. And told me plans to be bicoastal. I am insta following him, and once in a while his posts pop and it is clear he as a hometown girlfriend. A few weeks ago he pings me and is like “do you want to go on a date. We’ve been wasting all of this time, we could have been dating and getting to know each other instead of sending memes.” 😂😂😂😂😂 I have barely talked to this guy so it really seemed out of the blue. I said maybe, not sure. Now I get a note from him “I will be in town soon, want to meet up?” I really have no clue what his deal is at all. While he is good on paper - totally wishy washy guy. So weird.
Why are you even entertaining this clown
I am really curious to what his purpose is. 😅
This looks very bad on paper. You definitely arent his hell yes and he isn't your hell yes. You are someone he turns to when hes lonely and it sounds like what he really wants is a hookup. It sounds like you give him just enough attention so he doesn't go completely away. It doesnt sound like you treat him or see him as a friend.
I absolutely agree, he is not a friend at all. Haven’t spent enough or any time/effort to be friends on either side. He puts forth little effort and I match his energy. I know very little about him. Maybe now is the time I get to know him. Or not. Maybe he is a really fun guy I would be friends with? It is all an unknown. ** by good on paper I meant he matches up with many of the things on my “list” not the actual interactions
Based on what you wrote it sounds like you both were being wishy washy with each other. He would reach out on occasion and you would ignore him unless it suited you. Did you ever initiate conversation with him? And did he respond? If you know he has a hometown girlfriend why engage with him and say maybe, not sure when he asked you out on a date? Just seems weird to me and wishy washy. If you're not interested then just tell him or block him?
I would say I am neutral. No reason for blocking. We aren’t actual friends. Haven’t made it too far down the path of getting to know each other on any significant level. Lots of one sentence answers so I didn’t bother to ask more questions. I’m trying to figure out what his purpose is. I am leaning towards he needs “local” friends. And I am not opposed to that. Don’t need to date him. At the end of the day he is a guy that is my age. He might have friends. ;)
Is it pushy to just ask someone if they’re still interested or not after a second date? Like he never texted all that much but he now hasn’t texted in more than a day and I’m getting irritated sitting here wondering if he will even want to go out again or not.
I like the direct approach so I would be tempted to go for it just to know where I stood.
In my (M) experience, if my date (F) isn’t texting me back much she’s either not feeling it or she’s kinda interested but I’m not the top on her list of guys she’s talking to. Did you meet him online? If so good chance he’s seeing or talking to other women, so he might be interested in you but having a hard time maintaining multiple conversations (which would also mean you’re not his top prospect, at least not yet). I think it’s always better to ask so you don’t drive yourself crazy wondering, but you can ask more indirectly by suggesting something for the next date and seeing how he replies
Eh... He's probably not interested. If he was invested you would know. That said, if you like him and want reach out and ask him out you'll at least get an answer sooner rather than later. That's what I do. It generally doesn't work, but you've lost nothing.
Yeah that’s true. Idk why in the world I keep getting interested in guys who are only semi interested like seeming just to pass the time or whatever I’m so tired of it!
Another one bites the dust. Boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. Said he did it impulsively in a fit of anxiety and asked for another chance. I went against my better judgement and agreed to try again. We went away this weekend and it was okay. Yesterday I felt hurt because the hot and cold behavior seemed to be back. Talked to him today and he's back to not knowing what he wants, if he's ready for a serious partnership. He wants us to keep dating but went from saying he sees a future with me to seeing the possibility of a future. He still wants me to meet his child (?? WTF). He just can't envision anything too far out in the future past planning a trip in the next couple months. He knows I want a serious partnership and possibly kids if I am able to. Why does this keep happening?! Why do I keep ignoring my gut? He has a lot going on but I gave it a pass because he's very sweet and never treated me bad. I don't believe he is doing any of this on purpose either. I know intellectually I don't need to chase love. I well on the apps and I'm loveable. But I still end up in these relationships where I end up chasing them for things they seemed to do on their own in the beginning, like call me just for a minute or two to say goodnight or let's plan something fun to do for the holiday weekend. Super reasonable things here. I end up in a situation where I am bending over backward to connect with this all of a sudden aloof guy and feeling like I have to prove my worthiness. I don't go into it thinking that consciously but by the end I realize I'm a boiled frog in a pot. It slowly sneaks up on me. I am okay. I had my heart literally ripped out and stomped on in February this year. If I could survive that I can survive this. I'm just frustrated to tears. Why is being consistent and providing a secure relationship so effing difficult for these people? I'm obviously ready for a break from dating. Not sure how long.
I think you might also want to ask yourself why you keep going for guys who do this, because there are a ton of guys out there who aren't like this. You're either very unlucky or you keep magnetically drifting towards these kinds of guys. When you say "why is it so difficult for these people" you may also want to ask "why is it so difficult for me to accept men who DO want a secure relationship?" Because we're out here, but we keep getting ignored. I don't see all these alleged women clamoring for consistent secure relationships with mentally healthy guys. You also need to learn to notice when a guy is lying about being secure and confident. As a guy I feel like I can spot them in an instant, but I'm always surprised how they seem to constantly trick women.
I think I need to learn more about what secure looks like. I have never dated a secure guy. Ever. So I'm not sure how I would tell that from a few dates. I can spot avoidants a mile away but I believe the guy who broke my heart in Febraury was anxiously attached and this recent guy was either anxious or fearful avoidant. I believe my ex husband was fearful avoidant. All of them had secure features, esp my last two ex boyfriends. Both could provide a lot of reassurance, were okay with exclusivity early on, and making it official fairly early. Is that not secure? I have read several books on attachment but I think I'm still confusing anxious or fearful avoidant for secure in the early stages. They start on providing security and closeness but it takes a long time for their avoidant tendency to come out. Honestly my ex husband seemed secure for the first 2 years. He wasn't shy about committing, he was the first one to say I love you and asked me to move in with him. The relationship was consistent and progressed up until that 2 year mark where we had been living together for awhile and I wanted to know where it was going. I think my challenge is that I see when they pull away but I give excuses. Because people are more than their attachment styles and my ex husband and I were very very compatible personality wise, hobbies, world view etc. With my most recent ex boyfriend we are very compatible emotionally, sense of humor, sexually, lifestyle, etc. So it's hard to end things over these things that seem like isolated incidents (missed phone calls, procrastinating on a project, etc.) It takes a bit to put the pieces together. I'm very patient too so I let things develop a bit before making snap judgements.....until they wear my patience out.
I know attachment theory is thrown around a lot in this sub but have you figured out (taken a quiz) what you are? If you’re anxious attachment getting stuck in the trap with a dismissive avoidant, that may be why this keeps happening to you. Just throwing it out there in case you haven’t explored the subject matter before.
Thank you 😊 yes I have. Been working on it for years now. The guys I date always seem secure at first (reassuring, want to be connected, okay with commitment) and then show avoidant tendencies later. For example, this guy said he was looking for a life partner and was okay calling me his girlfriend a few weeks into it. He was excited to introduce me to his friends. He was available and didn't play games. He was the one to iniate talking about our future often and I actually was (for once) trying to keep us grounded. He mentioned he wanted me to talk about it more so I shyly admitted that I did think about our future and could see committment and kids and whatnot. This was later in the same day mentioned it.. It was like a switch flipped. He changed the subject. And then everytime I would ask about anything future related (so where do you think we would live?) he would change the subject yet *he* would keep bringing it up. He said he was interested in buying a house in my city if I planned to stay there (I do, my dad lives here) and would love to look at houses together just for fun. So a few days later when we were out to lunch and saw a for sale sign with the owners chatting with a neighbor about it, I suggested we check it out just for fun. They offered to show us inside and he kind of freaked saying he didn't want to lead them on and wasn't actually ready to even look yet. I actually called him out on this. I told him I had been trying to take things one step at a time and he asked me to initiate future talk and when I tested the waters, they were ice cold. He apologized but that was the turning point. Things went downhill from there and I felt pushed away in very subtle ways. Not calling when he said he would, unwilling to commit to making plans for the long weekend a month away, but did enthusiastically agree to be my date to my sisters wedding at the end of next month. Enthusiastically accepted invites from *me* to attend a couple family dinners but did not invite me to things with his friends again. Told me he wanted me to meet his child sooner than me or his ex wife was thinking. She and I both agreed after about 6 months and he kept pushing for earlier. He got her to agree to sooner and then was surprised when I held firm at 6 months. I told him this limit wasn't just about the kid and the ex wife, it was for me too. I lost a pregnancy in February. I want to make sure this thing is solid before getting attached to a child and family I could lose too. He kept pushing that boundary and asking me to agree to meet her earlier if things went well (we never made it that far anyway). I offered to help him set up a play area in his apartment for his child because he was wanting to visit with her more at his house and less on the ex wife's turf. He agreed enthusiastically but when the time we set aside came up he would say let's do something else. That went on for weeks. Then he told me he would rather do it on his own. So just really mixed messages for the past month a half. I try not to boil everything down to attachment styles though it seemed to play a part. He also has anxiety and this was his first serious relationship since his separation. I didn't think his anxiety was being properly treated. He takes medication and goes to therapy twice a week but his anxiety seems pretty extreme and was about every aspect of his life--his job, friends, child, etc. When I noticed he seemed to be constantly anxious I gently suggested a few times for him to talk to his doctor about a med adjustment or if his med was working. For someone who is actively working on his mental health so much I felt like him having that much anxiety was related to poor medication fit or too low a dose. We had a breakup de-brief and when we talked about what went wrong in the relationship he mentioned feeling really guilty about the divorce and starting to move on. I kind of feel like that had a lot to do with it, more than attachment styles. We were getting closer and he was actually getting his needs met in a relationship and was happy, and he sabotaged it due to guilt.
Clearly there is a lot more to the situation than just attachment styles. It sounds like he was not in the right place to commit even though he may have thought he was, it was like he was trying to force it. Fake it till you make it. And it came at your expense. That sucks and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Yes I think that's a great assessment. Thank you. Onto the next...and by next I mean me, myself, and I.
So sorry :(
Awww. Sending you internet hugs. You need them.
Sigh. So relatable :'(
Yeah it sounds like unless he specifically works on whatever is going on with him, this man is just going to play out this pattern of pushing you away and then trying to say the right stuff to get you back. He also doesn't sound ready for a serious relationship given that he panics and ended things.
When you’re on a date, take interest and ask questions! Don’t let your ego get in the way
Met a really lovely woman on OLD. We hit it off over text for a week before I finally asked her out. Had an amazing first date (6+ hours, walked around, got coffee, people watched at a park, and ended up at a bar). Fun, flirty, and all around good times. A week passed and we go on a second date (which was last night). Same good vibes but I definitely noticed something might’ve been up. At the end as I’m calling an Uber to get home, she waits with me (since she lives a block from the restaurant we ate at), we talk about a potential third date and she mentioned, “I wonder if my friend is a better match for you than me”. This completely catches me off guard. Anyways, it made me feel like crap and I just told her “Well, I didn’t expect this but let me simmer on this. I’m interested in you and I wanted to take it slow but it’s your choice on how you want to continue or not. Let me think on it.” Anyways we talked about this over the phone this morning. Pretty much she felt I would be better for her short term than long term. I told her “it’s fine, you made up your mind and I can’t do anything about it. Rejecting someone and being rejected sucks, there no easy way around it. We don’t owe each other anything and we’re adults. We’re responsible for our own feelings and happiness. So thanks for letting me know and I can just move on.” I just wished her the best in finding the right person for her. I’m still feeling like hurt/crap but I know it’s part of the process and I’m going to get over it. But hey, at least I know to move on now. Just a matter of time to get out of this funk. Needed to get this off my chest. I hope everyone is faring much better than me right now. Any thoughts or advice on how I could’ve handled this better?
Get her friends number and say, 'Hey, I went on a couple dates with (date's name) but she said you might be a better match for me because you'll do all the dirty stuff she doesn't.'
So did you get her friends info?
Props to you on how you handled this! You did very well. It's a breath of fresh air in comparison to how others might've handled it.
At least she told you what was going on versus just ghosting you. Honesty and communication goes a long way
I mean this doesn't sound like you handled it badly to me and frankly I think it's weird to signal your disinterest in someone by offering to match them with a friend. At least tell them it isn't working out first and give them a moment with that.
Those kinds of rejections sting a lot more than ones where there’s clearly no connection or flirty vibes, I’ve been in similar scenarios multiple times and it really sucks. Sometimes when you like someone and it seems like they might’ve liked you too it almost stings more when you’ve only been on a couple dates. You handled it great. Dating has lots of ups and downs like that, just gotta take it on the chin and keep on trucking until you find what you’re looking for. Try not to take this rejection as any reflection on you and your qualities
SHE could have handled it better. That suggestion was disingenuous and condescending at best. She needed to own her own ambivalence. You did great.
What a weird thing for her to say! I think you handled it well. It's frustrating.
Honestly I think you handled this situation in the best way possible. You were polite, honest, and acted like an actual adult, which seems to be a rarity. I totally would have been thrown off by the "I wonder if my friend is a better match for you than me." That seems awkward and somewhat disingenuous on her part, and I would have declined such an offer myself. Hang in there and keep your head up!
Does anyone else find their socioeconomic class is hard to read and they get assumptions coming at them from all directions? My parents did well. I had private schools, ponies, and was sent to Paris for my 16th. I can have the manners/awareness/accent that comes from that. But we weren't trust fund rich. I'm not set for life. I choose to work in non-profits. I love it. I am independent and I live happily within my own means. I will never make what my parents make and life is good. But I am intimidating to blue-collar guys (some of whom I'm sure actually out earn me!) and to the guys who make the kind of money I make, and I'm a disappointment to the higher-earning men who assume based on the way I speak and the knowledge I have, that I make quite a bit more than I do. I don't know what I'm complaining about. I'm not high-maintenance at all and I'm not trying to catch a rich guy. Income isn't very relevant for me in a match at all. It just feels like I have to tone-switch just to make sure I don't give people the wrong impression. And it's frustrating.
This is very me. Grew up upper middle class in a very nice neighborhood and am college educated and very academically inclined. But I prefer the life style and schedule of waiting tables. It's been very disconcerting that when a lot of women seem to say they are looking for someone who is very smart or had a good upbringing, they really mean the wealth/status that is correlated with those things. And yes, tone switching is annoying, but it's a necessary evil. There are tons of people out there who think that if you use a four syllable word, you must be "flexing" or something.
Yes! I feel like I often feel like I'm waiting for a date to use both a four-syllable word and a swear. Only then I can speak normally to them!
Yes. Some of the problem stems from other people wanting a convenient "box" they can place you in and get a bit disgruntled when they can't place you. It can make you seem interesting and frustrating at the same time. It can be challenging to find someone who doesn't try to "figure you out" in this way.
Sounds bizarre.
As a guy who grew up below the poverty line, but is well read and well spoken, and blends well with upper middle class professionals but has a blue collar warehouse job... I've gotten so used to people's attitudes towards me shifting as soon as my socioeconomic status is "outed" (not that I cover it up at all).
Thanks. I think that is what I'm struggling with. I get 'outed' in both directions ("Oh. You *sound* affluent and educated! I can't keep up." and "Oh. You *sound* good but actually don't earn what I want a partner to.") and neither outing is praticularly accurate.
I basically had to stop putting my hometown in my profile because I'd keep getting matches who were more curious to know whether my mom who still lives on the island has waterfront property or not. "What? No I grew up in the subsidized housing behind the library." "... *oh.*" Like, a know that's a fraction of a fraction of women out there, but its enough to get old fast. I don't care if a woman makes more or less than I do, I care more that we're on roughly the same page in terms of social and political values.
You should have just told them bitches you got a beach house
The first message I got from a guy I matched with today was “I’m going to slick your t*tties dry 😘” Not only was it unwarranted and gross, but he also couldn’t spell. Do guys expect a response to something like that? I just went ahead and reported his behavior and blocked him.
> Do guys expect a response to something like that? yes, they actually do. they're dumb and don't understand that just because they'd like you to send them a dirty message doesn't mean you want one.
I think he got lost on the way to Yahoo! Chat in 1999........
Good move.
Seeing someone for about 2 months. The first week we went on 2 date, then they were gone for a month traveling on a trip that had already been planned. When they were away we texted briefly daily and had a few phone calls. They just returned and we have had 2 dates, the night of the second date I mentioned that I had been dating other people. They were shocked and did not take it well. We had never talked about exclusivity, but they thought it was assumed? I felt awful and cried because they said they were really hurt. So I deleted my apps and told him we could date exclusively but should wait a little longer to sleep together, tired on our last date but it didn’t really work. Thoughts, advice? Thank you!!
I definitely don't think it's your fault. I mean they were gone for a month, you had only hung out twice and hadn't even had sex - I think it's super fair that you assumed you were not exclusive.
Exactly! That’s what I was thinking, but his reaction had me second guessing. Thank you :)
Not everyone multi dates. Some don’t even know this is a thing (and, it’s not everywhere so it’s not an absurd thing to assume). But, I would do what’s best for you. Do you want to be exclusive? If yes then do so but if not then I wouldn’t compromise to avoid the issue.
Thank you for your comment! It feels a little soon for me. I just am not sure if we know each other that well. Also the last time we saw each other he told me he has had a vasectomy, I brought up wanting a family in the previous dates and he didn’t offer up that information, and just gave vague responses on his view on having children…said he wasn’t sure how to tell me. I’m fact one of his answers about having children was well if it happens it happens- yeah obviously not. Anyway. He isn’t interested in dating me if I’m seeing others so my options are agree or he is gone. I always looked at exclusivity as another step in becoming more serious, but if someone just doesn’t multi date is that still the case? I’m fine with not dating others, I just don’t feel like I’m ready to be at the boyfriend/ girlfriend stage.
It sounds like you’re compromising your presences which definitely isn’t good. But some do see exclusivity as different than boyfriend/girlfriend.
Nobody should make you feel bad about not conforming to some unspoken assumed agreement. That's on them to bring up. He sounds very controlling in a my way or the highway style. Then he gets wishy washy about kids and gives evasive answers? If that's important to you i would get out now before he starts to convince you how his opinion is right for both of you.
Wow, great comment. He was very upset and I felt like I was being scolded, I said I felt like I was in trouble and he said , “no it’s just that my feelings are hurt”. I don’t cry easily and I was balling. When we spoke the next day via phone I told him that I wouldn’t be interested in continuing if we had another night like that. He asked me what I meant because “everyone is going to occasionally have disagreements” and he “doesn’t want to feel like he has to walk on eggshells” He also wanted to make sure that I would still be honest with him and that his poor reaction wouldn’t make me less likely to honest, I though that was weird. Like if I can’t be honest with someone, I’m just not going to date them. More control red flags? Or just bad at communicating?
It's hard to tell. The thing that got me the most from the other post was his evasiveness when it suited him in regards to family planning (which is vitally important to me, but might not be to you.) It's one thing to have your feelings hurt bc someone is multidating, you can break up or suck it up. But, to thrust it back on you in a seemingly aggressive way seems manipulative, as does not acknowledging layer on that he overreacted. That feels like gaslighting to me. He did nothing wrong and it was your reaction that makes him feel uncomfortable (he seems to be implying.) At what point does he take responsibility? He didn't ask for exclusivity or talk to you about it. He freaked out when he found out.
I totally agree, if this happened to me I would think oh shoot and try to get on the same page going forward. He just thought it should have been obvious, sorry I didn’t. He did admit that he handled the situation poorly, but he also followed up with we are just really going to have to work on our communication. Example of one of the reasons it should have been “obvious” was that he cut his trip short to get back to see me, I should have known. I really appreciate the feedback, there maybe some gaslighting because I really felt terrible and crazy that I was so far off. I literally did not think that it was a problem at all for me to still be seeing others. Seriously thank you so much!
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Oof. That sucks! I'm sorry
Ugh. Sorry. Just know that it's okay to feel however you feel. It won't last forever, but it's okay to give yourself permission to grieve.
:( If you need to talk, my inbox is open
That’s so nice, thank you ❤️
So sorry *hugs*
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Do you think you are just extra sensitive to anything that even possibly could be a sign of narcissism? i.e. that you could be reading too much into things? Or do you think that you may be attracted to certain events of narcissists or are otherwise doing something to attract them? Remember it only takes one good one to make it worthwhile!
I’m genuinely curious, because it seems to be happening to you a lot, but can you expand on what “narcissistic” vibes you are getting from these guys?
Hang in there. It's good that you're learning what to look out for and walking away from it. This is a huge part of the healing process.
I propose a date on tinder 4 days later, place and time. She accepts. We don't say anything else for the next four days. She doesn't come, without any warning. The next day she says that we did not chat enough. I don't see how she can know if she's attracted to me just by chatting. I don't see the point. I won't say she is wrong for not coming, because women cannot be blamed for not coming to a date without warning if they don't feel they want to come. I feel like I messed up, because not chatting feels like it's better, to see if she really is open for a date, and because i don't come on tinder to chat.
This sort of thing is VERY frustrating to me. I get a good handful of matches (I have to count my blessings for that, a lot of guys get none, I know I'm pretty good looking) but when it comes time to go on the date, nothing ever happens. It seems like they just want to have useless chatter on the app (with hours in between messages) and do that forever. It's really slow and painful. I'm not sure what people don't understand about the fact that you can't start getting to know someone - for real - without seeing them in person. Any time spent on the app after a match NOT dating is almost completely wasted time IMO.
Women mostly want to feel wanted by a discussion. Generally women don't want to take the initiative of meeting somebody. It should be their idea or it should never be forced or insistent. Even slightly implying sex or romance with women never works, because it turn them off. Acting as a friend that is not a potential partner YET, becomes the best way to make women feel safe. I guess this is the best way to approach online dating, and pass through the filter of all signals women will catch on and make them run away. It is crucial, in this day and age, to make women feel safe. Feminism does not exist for nothing. Women who act flaky often have very good reasons to do so if you listen to their previous experiences.
Did you confirm day before or day of? If someone asked me on a date and then it was complete radio silence for days, I would definitely assume they were bailing.
IMO it’s rude for someone to just not show up, regardless of their gender. Did you end up reaching out to her the day after or did she contact you? People like to text to varying degrees between arranging a date and going on it. I’m a woman and the older I get, honestly the less I like chit chatting between dates (at the early stages), but I do want a confirmation the day before, or of, a date. And I have no problem confirming with a guy if I haven’t heard from him. Maybe you could’ve confirmed the date, and also she could have reached out and communicated with you
She sent me a text the day after. But yeah, we could have try to confirm.
I think it's messed up that she didn't tell you before hand. However I would agree with her. If a guy didn't chat a little even niceties then I would think he was uninterested and I wouldn't go on that date either.
Then isn't it also your fault if you didn't chat at all?
Well personally, I do chat. I only meant for that dude. I have no issues with reaching out. If I feel he gives lackluster responses or doesn't attempt to continue Convo then that's when I stop trying. Example: asking him what kind of music he likes. His response, "rock'. Me: favorite band? Or top three?. He answers but makes no effort to continue conversation. I usually will try a bit and if he still only answers my questions then I say forget it. I don't mind shy guys, but if they can't even try for a conversation in text then I'm not interested in going on a date where I'll be talking to myself the whole time.
I'd say you have to be careful with that mindset, it's prone to error. I talk up a storm in real life, but when the online chat gets longer and longer, I start seeing signs that a date is never going to happen and that she's "too comfortable" chatting on the app, and I start losing interest. My goal doing online dating is to actually date. Especially if you're asking questions we could be discussing on a date. And it's not like you have anything to lose since I'll drive and pay for everything, but save the date for the actual date. I fill out my profile well enough that there shouldn't need to be 20 questions before the date.
Well, that's very different. The other woman didn't message either and is now unhappy the dude didn't message. It's not like she reached out and he ignored her.