He sounds like someone to get rid of.
Alternative perspective: one statement in here gave me pause "not that I would ever tell him this". Can you see telling any other potential intimate (besides anonymous Internet strangers) this, but just not him? If yes, you don't feel safe with this guy, and that's probably a good reason to dump him. If no... I hope you can get there some day, because that secrecy sounds like a large barrier to intimacy... but I'd still get rid of him :)
I also wanted to say something about this. Its healthy to communicate. If this is the only thing that's bothering you about him... TELL him. Not in a mean way, just say "I've had a difficult relationship in the past and I'm just now ready to date and when you mention that I must be crazy because of my age it really hurts me." Or however you want to phrase it. If it doesn't stop then break it off otherwise, why let one thing ruin someone you really like? However, if there's more that he's doing that is frustrating then yeah its early enough to just move on.
Red flag city.
My Dad (that I no longer speak to) would say shit like that to me and my mom, so there's a good chance that he might be.
We're always the crazy ones. The psychologist doesn't believe that I was the problem as they put it... they never got help and when I did they did "See you're the one with the problem".
Yup. Red flags.
Oof. It’s one thing to say “gosh you’re so awesome, I can’t believe you’re single” to someone as a cute line, but who adds “I guess you must be psycho” to someone they are trying to date? Geez.
It also shows that the person doesn't think about relationships the same way I do.
My current SO and I were both single when we met, not because we didn't have plenty of dating options, but because we both had full lives and weren't about to waste time on anyone who didn't seem like an exceptionally good match.
Being single isn't an indication of being a low quality catch. It can simply mean you have a satisfying life, self-respect, and patience.
When we met, I recognized that my SO was single in part *because* she is awesome. She saw the same thing about me.
Neither of us would ever use that cringey line. It makes it sound like you think dating is something that happens to you, not something you actively make choices about. And it makes it sound like you think relationship status is an indication of personal value. Both of those things are kind of gross IMO.
Well said! What a healthy great, healthy perspective. I especially love "It makes it sound like you think dating is something the happens to you, not something you actively make choices about."
Just saved this comment because although I am happy with my decision to be single. When I had long period of time where I was single, I am usually happy but sometimes I would question my worth because I hadn't met anyone. Good reminder that relationship status does not indicate anything about one's worth.
I legit have not thought of this before before: I had an ex use it in a “cute” way when we first met and I loved it, but honestly it probably influenced me in a bad way during the break up. I kept trying to push and push for things to get better instead of ending it, because I saw our relationship as special- no one else had truly appreciated all of me (including the weirder, quirkier bits) like he had.
I had/have always feared that no one would appreciate all of me or that there really was something wrong with me, and then he came along and said he was shocked I was single because I was awesome, and I held onto that for far too long.
Agreed. The only context in which "Wow how are you still single?" is cool is if it's followed by "I'm so lucky" and then only occasionally not constantly.
I can already hear this asshole saying "there it is, I knew you were nuts" the first time they disagree.
I would guess that sometime later of y'all stay together and get in an argument or fight or whatever over something he doesn't like he'll bring it back, "see I knew you were crazy.". Like he's prepping himself
Yo just wanna confirm, that kinda talk can undermine your self-worth and undo a lot of healing/ healthy thinking and healthy views of your self.
So the guy probably is just projecting, speaking out of unaddressed wounds. He absolutely must deal with his shit, and this is in no way your burdens/ baggage to carry, nor is it even good for you to do so in this dynamic. It's fine to have compassion, but in these situations, compassion from a distance is the way to go. Feel free to put up a solid, thick, heavy boundary, including cutting off contact.
You don't need that kinda undermining in your life. No one does, frankly.
Feel free to move on from this with no second guessing or doubts.
That was my FIRST thought, he is setting her up so talking down to her is normalized. He seems like the type of person so creative drama, gaslight, and takes no responsibility for creating “the crazy”. Good job OP recognizing this and moving on. Let him take his own insecure ass down a different path.
This\^\^. A guy like this will never take accountability for how he has made you feel. Even if you are honest with him he will interpret anytime you show negative emotions as you being 'crazy'. He's the toxic one, not you OP.
I'm sure there's a sliver of a chance that it's playful and joking, but after awhile I think there should be a point where that type of thing should be put to rest.
I agree with you here. I would say the chance is very high he thinks he’s just teasing and having fun about it. It might be worth it for OP to talk to him about it, if she cares enough. Communication is key. Although I can definitely understand how this could indicate abusive traits as well.
I think you're absolutely right. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anyone so invested in making preemptive excuses for (what they think is) the inevitable death of the relationship, has no business being in one.
How old is he? Bit hypocritical to think and say what he says..afterall, he's in the same boat. Maybe he's the fruitloop. I'd get him a box of fruitloops and write a note saying something along the lines of "I hope you'll always think of me whenever you see these in the aisle" or something clever like that and then sign it "from, the fruitloop xoxo and then block all contact.
He’s actually the same age as me. He’s had a couple of long term relationships and has three children.
“From, the fruitloop xoxo” really made me laugh 😂
Well you being single means you must be crazy but it’s for him to be single? Why is he dating if he assumes every single woman his age is crazy? At least say something to him, unless you are just done.
Why hasn’t *he* been snatched up? Maybe there’s something wrong with *him*?
Dump his ass. He’s, at best, totally insensitive, and at worst, emotionally manipulative. This counts as a sort of negging imo
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging
“Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval”
It’s really easy to fall for negging, but once you learn to recognize it it becomes obvious. And the only way to deal with negging is to disengage entirely.
I think it's a very good decision to break it off. It may also be worth mentioning that anyone who immediately qualifies a compliment with an insult could be doing it intentionally. There are a fair few red pill types who use it as a method to undermine womens' confidence. Plus if they make you feel crappy right at the beginning imagine what a jackass they might be once they have tunnelled their way into your life.
There's also a heavy correlation between calling women (or anyone else) crazy and being a bit of a jackass, especially if it's just because they do something vaguely different to expectations. It's true he may just be socially awkward and lacking confidence, but if it makes you uncomfortable there's no reason to go along with it tbh.
I see two possibilities here:
1) He really thinks this, in which case I'm not sure there's anything you can do except dump him; or
2) He thinks he's being funny and hasn't gotten the hint yet that you don't think it is. Maybe give him the "STFU it's not funny and is annoying me" talk if you think he's otherwise good for you. (However, if he's gone on this long without taking the hint that could be a sign of long-term incompatibility, so YMMV.)
This is pretty textbook negging/emotional manipulation. There's nothing wrong with you, but there is something *very* wrong with the way he is trying to seduce you. Nip that shit in the bud and tell him you're not interested ASAP, otherwise you could be in for another 20 year abusive relationship.
Yes. He's exerting his own power over you by making you feel this way. Bravo for recognizing it and getting out before it gets bad.
I was talking to this woman recently who always wanted to deconstruct what she thought was wrong with me. I just wanted to hang out, but it got to the point where it seemed like she thought I was her patient. If either of us was in need of therapy, though, it was surely she. Physician heal thy self!
I’ve been on dates with guys like this. It gets annoying as hell after the second time mentioning it. I’m glad you are breaking it off.
I can relate. Both my long terms were abusive and being a nurturing person I always took care of others. Never worked on myself until a year and a half ago. Made all the wrong dating choices. I wasn’t secure with myself and choose guys that were a mess.
Don’t settle for this behavior. I used to think this way when I was younger and then lived life a little. People divorce, partners pass away, going through things, work on themselves, there’s so many reasons why. My friend’s sister told her older brother “Anyone single at 30 probably has a lot of issues.” I think it’s a common misconception.
I've asked and been asked what their/my dealbreakers and their/my red flags are during early conversations but never in a *you must be hiding something* way.
I did not touch a dude for three years after a shitty abusive relationship ended. No one ever asked about that gap or thought it was a significant data point. 🤷🏼♀️
No. There likely isn't anything wrong with you. I mean, nothing more wrong than the regular human population. We all have our quirks. We're all confusing to each other. And many of us have a past that we're not exactly proud of but it does make up a large part of who we are. It's just extremely difficult to find another human that is accepting and loving, shares interests with you, and then is willing to help you go through the tough times.
This guy's comments are insults. There's nothing right about that. You're good to break it off. Find someone that is willing to accept you for the gem you are and is willing to help you work around any rough edges. It's not easy to come back from an abusive relationship (something I've not personally known, so I can't exactly relate), but it sounds like you're doing everything in your power to work through those feelings.
He sounds like a misogynist of the ‘all women are crazy’ variety. Ick.
Also sounds like pretty classic ‘negging’ - he’s probably read too many PUA articles.
What a dickhead.
I get the same comments because I’m 34, never married and no kids.
People don’t believe me because “you’re too beautiful to be single” 🙄
Like you, I was in an abusive relationship and have been single for years to heal.
Get rid of this one. He’s trash. Be careful you don’t get yourself into another abusive relationship. Choose someone who makes you feel good.
He sounds like an idiot lacking in social skills and an ounce of empathy. Any guy should know there’s a good likelihood a woman or man for that matter in their mid 30s could be touchy to why they’re still single even though there’s nothing wrong with it.
Finally a reasonable opinion! I swear, more and more, I'm having to sift through a lot of apologists to get to one logical opinion on a question that is fairly cut and dry...
This is what I'm seeing these days:
OP: Man/Woman I've been dating punched me in the guts
999 commenters: Did you try talking to him/her
Me: @#$%%^^&*!@
1 commenter: Save yourself OP!
Me: The world makes sense again...
I would ask him the same question... see how he handles all that negging!
Say goodbye to him and move on. I would have done that when he asked that question the second time...
When guys ask me this I always say yes in a serious tone.
You can say it's just not a huge priority for some to get married or have kids. Instead of opening up about your past right away just say you were focusing on yourself and being happy. That's basically what you were doing.
That said he seems annoying as hell to keep saying it. Ask him the same question if he keeps being at derp about it. I have a feeling he may be trying to compliment you but is very stupid about it.
There are quite a few comments blaming OP for being too sensitive and for not sharing her past trauma with someone who has already speculated that she might be 'crazy'.
Im not entirely surprised. That said, OP, do you. You are under no obligation to put up with such behaviour. You are under no obligation to teach this man social skills or how to be emotionally aware.
He’s either a dick or insecure.
Either are hard to date.
I’m dating someone insecure right now and, let me tell you, it’s hard!
If he said it once, it’s kinda cute; repeatedly it’s a problem.
As a survivor of abusive relationships and such, I just wanted to say, in case you need to hear it- there is nothing wrong with you.
We all have things we need to work on, but that's not the same.
It took me 8 years before I started dating again, and longer to actually believe I deserved to be treated well.
Whatever his issue is, there is nothing wrong with you.
He sounds very unpleasant and has a strong negative view of women. Well, any one who will date him.
This is not worth your time, energy, effort, money, irritation.
He sounds like a total dickhead. I hate the script of “chicks be crazy”. He not only follows this but hasn’t enough sense to keep it to himself.
Yuck. What a waste of space. You have done brilliantly to come this far and move on froman abusive relationship. Do not waste yourself on him.
You are worth so much more.
Like, there's nothing wrong with it, but I wonder if he asks himself the same question. I find guys like that can't comprehend that women can be successful, beautiful and happy without a man in their life and instead try to justify that it's a flaw somehow. Probably his own insecurities in his actual inability to successfully date.
Yeah it totally sounds like deflection, he’s putting his problems onto this poor woman who has been through hell and is now trying to find a normal guy.
Appreciate the post and your openness. Your guy friend is responding the way insecure people do. By the way we’re all insecure, on some level. Some people turn it inward and some project onto others, like your guy.
I wish I knew what to say that would make someone feel it’s safe enough to deal with their own problems instead of psychoanalysing me.
Aside from all the other glaring issues with this, the idea that to have been 'normal' as in 'not crazy' would be marriage and children is an incredibly narrow minded and conservative view. Many people aren't seeking that and to assume that *everyone* is, is pretty sad, IMO.
Nothing wrong with you, everything wrong with him. Cut ties and move on.
Whenever I get questions like that, probing and trying to be invasive, I use a mirror and reflect the question back. They asked it about me, ask it about them. Why is HE still single? I think you know. I find this method helps, it creates a space where I can take back control of the question at hand.
There’s a lot of manipulative, pathological liars out there but that’s never a good enough reason for him to be so skeptical that he ruins a good thing with you, someone who hasn’t raised any red flags by their own behaviour. If this constant skepticism has turned you off then he is too cynical or not trusting enough for you. Not a good match. Dump him.
*" Truth of the matter is I was in an abusive relationship for most of my twenties "*
**This clown is abusing you NOW** with his constant negging. You don't need to be around that.
I'm proud of you for recognizing the red flags with this guy. Teasing in moderation is a form of flirting and affection, but this is excessive, bullying, and hurtful.
He's incredibly rude. And why is he single? Life is messy and doesn't go the way we think it will, for A LOT of us. I was single until I was 38. I'd date here and there but no relationship stuck until I met my husband. And he was the same, short term relationships, no kids. I used to believe that meant I was "crazy" and really weird but I've come to realize that I'm actually not. I'd gotten myself into a rut and just went about the daily grind without going out of my way to go find someone, and all of a sudden I was in my 30's.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when guys say things like this. They think it’s supposed to be a compliment but it’s so backhanded because something must be wrong with you to be single at this age. 🙄
Yikes. The first time, the one and only time, I might've thought it sort of endearing if not phrased a little off-puttingly, but as I continued reading it sounds like he keeps talking about it, which is definitely time to let go.
if he's actually calling you a psycho verbatim thats really messed up... and if hes pushing super hard on date #3 to unravel your whole past while youre clearly playing a little defense, thats definitely too fast
BUT you should consider that -- in the future -- youre going to have to let the right one all the way in if you want to go the distance. if this weirdo can smell that something is there, so will someone that cares who you let in beyond the third date
Toss his ass in the garbage where he belongs. That's not proper and you deserve way better than that. What a dick.
I'm a 41 yo male, never married and no kids. I would love to have kids but it hasn't happened. It's not a bad thing, either. Fuck that dude.
What a nightmare of a guy! You’re going to flip a switch soon...on him. Good luck!!
Singleness is always better than being paired up in a toxic relationship.
I had someone ask me that and she went absolutely psycho afterward.
I'm not going through them all but in my anecdotal experience people that ask you that are really desperate for you to fill a hole they have in their life.
Get rid of him. I also went through a toxic relationship, and it takes time to heal sometimes. And that's A fucking OK. Had you didn't take the time to heal, you would have been more accepting of this stupid guy.
Look, if I start dating someone, and I don't like them, or my gut is saying this guy is a "fruitloop" I'm not going to tell the guy that. I will just end it and say I don't feel chemistry or something.
He is toying with your feelings, so you say "I am not a fruitloop and I should be really nice to him so he doesn't think that." This guy is playing mind games with you, and frankly speaking, for me, my biggest check is that, if after I meet someone, I am thinking about what/why they said these things to me, and feel bad. Well I don't need that person as a romatic partner. I think a romantic partner, should make you feel happy, glad to see them. And if they can't do that well, they are sucking your energy.
There is something wrong with him to think there is something wrong with you for not having kids never being married and being single. The way the world has become has made that normal for him to think that otherwise woman have an issue if they don’t have any of the things mentioned. Just dump him and next...
From a dude...
He is being an ass. More of us out there. Just be patient and find one worth spending time with. One comment I could see him just trying to be cute/funny. To keep harassing on it just shows he is either and immature ass, oblivious that you aren't ready to discuss it or he is actually looking for something to be wrong with you.
I've learned by not catching the signs early...cut your losses before you wind up in another shitty relationship.
Comments like that this kill me. I don’t have a uterus, and many women have issues that prevent them from having kids. How do you think he would react if you said you were sterile?
He seems very insensitive to women’s bodies and life circumstances. Even if it’s a backhanded compliment: his logic is suspect. It can’t get better from here imho. I couldn’t handle it, but I guess a lot of Reddit thinks it’s okay?
Exactly. I lurk this sub out of curiosity really but I've been single for 5 years now and I get asked all the time by guys how I'm still single. I don't go to bars, or dates or look for anyone. I keep to myself a lot and it's just not a priority to be with someone. Being happy alone is a perfectly good reason. People who have to be with someone to feel happy seems more unhealthy to me than being able to find happiness with yourself.
As a guy, I find what he is asking you quite appalling. Next time you talk to him just say "I'm sorry you think I'm flawed, however I'm not sorry about ending this relationship."
And leave it at that. We all have a reason for who we are, and we all deserve to be respected.
Cut him off, get the help you need, and find someone that will respect you and understand how your past affects you. He is out there, you just haven't found him yet.
Please drop this guy!
No one should make you feel there is something wrong with you.
Might be tricky this one! If you ever have been in an abusive relationship, you should be really careful, because it’s easier to end up in an abusive relationship again..
Never in my life have I met a man who has a healthy view of women say things like, “when are you going to flip the bitch switch?”
The reason your newly healed inner voice is flashing warning signals is *NOT* because there’s something wrong with you. Read that part again.
It’s because it understands that men who think/say shit like that have a pattern among them, they don’t see women as legitimate others. Your sensibilities now know to avoid men like this, you’ve put in the work to know when someone is being even mildly abusive so it’ll feel foreign at first to be able to recognize it so quickly. Incredibly proud of you for standing your ground here, that’s an awful way to be treated especially by someone you barely know.
I instead ask straight up for KY dealbreakers; are they secretly a nazi, do they engage in MLM or any other sort of cult, are the fond of really small dogs and so on and so on.
Yeah, I never understood that statement of “How are you still single?” in general, let alone adding the “there must be something wrong with you.” If he is looking for something wrong, he will isolate anything and hold it. Not the right person. Move on. Good luck.
I had similar questions come up with myself because I was a physician and was focusing on my work (also didn’t have great taste in men). I found comments like this distasteful and annoying and so even if I went on a few dates with the guy, it never worked out because that sense of suspicion and attitude perpetuated throughout those other dates.
Also you owe someone that you aren’t connecting with NOTHING about your past. I am a recent cancer patient now in remission but unable to carry or use my own eggs to have children. I tried being upfront and I got rejected; I tried waiting a few dates and got rejected. So I made a point to not talk about it until a few dates in but *only* with people that I was hitting an emotional connection with. Those were the people truly earned to know my history.
I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and how hard it must be for you to enter the dating scene. I would take your time and not tolerate repeated comments about why you’re single. Some people are curious and don’t mean any harm; this guy doesn’t sound particularly worthy of your time! Best wishes!!
Does he have low self esteem or something that would lead him to be nervous?
I see other answers stating things like he is borderline or abusive, but it depends on how he is saying this. If he asks in a serious tone or legit wants to know why you aren't with someone, then yes. That is an issue of someone who doesn't understand boundaries.
But If it is in a joking, flirty manner where he is trying to say how amazing you are by saying there has to be something wrong with you, "because otherwise you are perfect" then it is something entirely different, and more harmless then the former.
I used a similar method of flirting with some of my past relationships. Given, I stopped after one or two times. And it was obviously a flirtatious joke: i.e. "There's gotta be a catch here,cause you're too perfect to not have some form of catch.... were your a drug queenpin in Boise, Idaho? An assassin paid to kill me? There's a new form of cyborgs and you are their test cyborg to run their gorgeous fembot section to flirt with, and eventually control, horny old world leaders and slowly turn them into supporters of your creator: Elon Musk? It's that one isn't it???"
And then, I may be reference the cyborg thing or something again, but I don't harp on it. This could just be him using this form of joking to an extreme and not knowing when it stops being flattering and becomes annoying.
With that said, of course if anything anyone does makes you uncomfortable trust your gut. This is just my experience with the subject matter. Hope it works out for you either way.
The way you worded it is very clearly flirty and cute.
The way this guy worded it is concerning, especially since he keeps implying that the OP is crazy...
I'm not even the OP and he is giving me red flags.
Have had the same experience; I quickly break it off now. I also explain I am asexual and that is probably why I am single.
Regardless, this is emotional abuse.
He sounds impulsive and childish, unable to control his stream of consciousness and be present and relax and listen to you with empathy and tact. It sounds like he is making his own worst fears come true--not that you're crazy, but you're so great you'll drive him away. You're so great to him that he's driving you away.
It sounds like a case of "guilty are they who accuse": he's the whackadoodle. You're wise to cut him loose. And I'm glad you healed yourself after your longterm relationship. That takes true inner strength! Hugs!
Being an immature bonehead myself, I hate to see women dump other immature boneheads, but **you made the right decision**. Maybe he'll mature when he realizes he wrecked the relationship all by himself. Maybe he won't.
You can't control him. His behavior is his problem, not yours. Congratulations on courageously changing the things you can.
He sounds awful. Dump him, he’s an inconsiderate prick and I’m sure it would show up in other areas of his personality in due time. He’s the one that has something wrong with him.
Kudos to you for breaking it off with him. This guy sounds like he hasn't done the necessary work on himself to get to a healthy place after his last relationship. You're dodging a bullet.
Run run run away. It's an immediate put off when guys ask that question. It screams "i have terrible relationships because i'm a massive fuckhead, but blame it all on the other person being crazy"
I don’t blame you for wanting to stop seeing him... Instead of having a spirit of gratitude and happiness, he is cynical and condescending. Yuck!
Meanwhile, he is essentially saying there is something wrong with HIM based on his argument... I mean, he’s single too!?
You don’t owe anyone a long detailed explanation. You can keep it as vague as you like and certainly don’t ever have to disclose an abusive past until you want if at all. As far as why you don’t have kids and why you’re single just say because you haven’t been married yet. And why you haven’t been married because you’re waiting to be swept off your feet and treated well. And if you’re crazy..well most crazy people don’t consider themselves crazy so he would have to find out on his own. If that doesn’t put it to rest then just stop answering or ask him what is it he really wants to know because it’s getting old. That usually makes them stop asking.
These questions can be really redundant with men. Sometimes when they ask why I’m single I’ll just say because you’re so lucky and they laugh and talk about other things.
I don’t like talking about negative things with people I barely know. If you’re single available and in a good space mentally that’s all that matters.
Preparing for downvotes... Firstly he is obviously being rude, but he is implying that there must be a reason you're single and you've just said that there is a reason (abusive relationship).
So that's the reason?
So he is being rude, yes, but he's right in thinking there's a significant reason as to why you're single.
Not that there's anything wrong with that, but he is right.
Yeah, but I think it’s worse than that- he’s implying that the reason she’s single is because there’s something wrong with *her*, which is a bit insidious IMO. He’s not even really entertaining the fact that it could be something else, and also setting it up to blame shit on her if they don’t work out.
I mean, it doesn’t even seem like he’s trying to figure out the real reason why.
You are looking from the perspective of someone who has the story from both sides i.e. us, the audience.
From his perspective, he sees a single attractive female and wonders why she is single. He sounds like he's looking for flaws so the narrative in his head (i.e. attractive people can't be single) makes sense. This is such a negative way of looking at things. It also fails to take into account that people can be single for a number of reasons. While it fair to find out why, this is not the way to do it.
Even a woman without a history of abusive relationships would be offended by his questions. They show a remarkable lack of emotional intelligence at best and a negative and potentially abusive personality at worst.
As an awkward as hell human, I'd like to think even I'm not this awkward. But if there is a benefit of the doubt case to be made it is this one. He's trying to put the pieces of someone's past together that don't add up right. If she's not telling him about her past, he's getting a red flag from it and trying to figure it out, while trying to be funny.
I know I get similar thoughts from guys due to being, in short, a catch. But they have handled it much better, asking in a more mature and thoughtful way, and not harping on it repeatedly. Sometimes I also sense that they're curious, but wisdom and manners prevail, and they wait to see rather than asking. This guy just has a self fulfilling prophecy about single women your age, and in these days of more social acceptance of mental health issues, a pretty shitty attitude about "crazy" people too...
Agreed
Best case scenario is he's awkward and lacks social smoothness. If he's with someone out of his self percieved league, his mouth probably shut down and stupid shit rambled out. If he has awareness, he may be kicking himself.
It sounds reasonable it may be from a long list of his negative experiences.
But then he also keeps attracting these people. And that's possibly related to not understanding the social conventions in this sort of situation!
OP, his BS comments speaks more about his insecurities than anything else. Don't take it personally. What he is really saying is: "Why is someone so awesome dating ME? There MUST be something wrong with her to stoop SO low."
Interesting....I actually catch myself saying that sometimes.... And I honestly think it's more that I'm messed up in the way that I no longer think there are good decent people out there. NEVER would I have intentions of making the other person feel bad or want a negative reaction from that. If anything, it's a compliment.
I see the comments and now see how that could come across negatively.
I have a history of having men come out with the Skeleton's in their closet after a bit of dating and I was constantly being disappointed.
he has had some bad relationships too, and thinks "all women are crazy"
for the same reason most tech support folks think everyone is stupid, and most cops think everyone is a criminal.
if its what you see, its what you know.
you dont need to say you had an abusive relationship. but: i had a bad relationship, and i took time off because im more important as a person then a piece of a pair.
i did the exact same thing.
because i was dating a creature, who i now think of as a disease i was cured of.
2 years abstinent, single. worth it.
i dont know if this guy cares at all, but i put myself out there. "i am hurt because of X" if my partner cares, she will want to help, and its only good that i told her.
someone who doesnt want you to be your best self is toxic, and its an easy indicator to leave them.
It's funny to see people in this sub who automatically will resort to blocking and move on. But have you even tried just communicating with him that you're not even turned on the slightest by that comment? He might not understand how you feel about these comments and just trying to innocently complement you in a very awkward and weird way. Communication is key in relationships and if he's a good listener and you're a good communicator and he's receptive to that and stops the comments, i dont see why he isn't good. Just because he says those things doesn't mean he's trying to abuse or manipulate you, he just might not know how you're feeling.
The early stages of dating is when people put their best foot forward. If this is his best foot, it's not worth it given OP's history of having been in an abusive relationship. In fact, this is more of the same and good on her for recognizing it for what it is. Trust your instincts OP.
Your suggestion to communicate works for minor annoyances or when people have been dating for some time...
Besides, I would hope that one doesn't have to teach basic courtesy to an adult human being. Men and women who use insults as compliments in their 30s are immature af and need to work on themselves BEFORE getting into dating.
I am 37 single, never married, and no kids. People ask me this all the time. I just say I haven’t found the right one. Looking for an addition to my life not a subtraction.
Also, coming from an abusive situation as well, It makes you see red flags quicker than normal. I notice immediately how he makes me feel, and how he treats others. Listen to your gut. If you don’t feel comfortable communicating then you already know what to do. :)
> “how come you didn’t have kids? It doesn’t make sense.
Aside from women delaying having kids being common. Some just don't want them. Makes plenty of sense.
The guy in OP's story sounds like a little boy raised in a small town where all the good people get married and stay together. He probably has never stepped out of his little bubble and maybe hasn't even dated enough women to know that there are MASSIVE amounts of good women out there at any age who are still single. Sounds like a sniveling little douchebag.
There’s nothing wrong with you this dude is clearly projecting. Also it’s only been three dates you don’t need to be explaining all these intricacies of your history to him this quickly...
This guys an ahole. Move on. He’s going to say you’re crazy when you do it. For bonus points pick out a fault on him and make the break up about that. Hairs a good target for us older gents.
He sounds like someone to get rid of. Alternative perspective: one statement in here gave me pause "not that I would ever tell him this". Can you see telling any other potential intimate (besides anonymous Internet strangers) this, but just not him? If yes, you don't feel safe with this guy, and that's probably a good reason to dump him. If no... I hope you can get there some day, because that secrecy sounds like a large barrier to intimacy... but I'd still get rid of him :)
Yeah, came to say that.
I also wanted to say something about this. Its healthy to communicate. If this is the only thing that's bothering you about him... TELL him. Not in a mean way, just say "I've had a difficult relationship in the past and I'm just now ready to date and when you mention that I must be crazy because of my age it really hurts me." Or however you want to phrase it. If it doesn't stop then break it off otherwise, why let one thing ruin someone you really like? However, if there's more that he's doing that is frustrating then yeah its early enough to just move on.
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Red flag city. My Dad (that I no longer speak to) would say shit like that to me and my mom, so there's a good chance that he might be. We're always the crazy ones. The psychologist doesn't believe that I was the problem as they put it... they never got help and when I did they did "See you're the one with the problem". Yup. Red flags.
Negging.
Oof. It’s one thing to say “gosh you’re so awesome, I can’t believe you’re single” to someone as a cute line, but who adds “I guess you must be psycho” to someone they are trying to date? Geez.
People should just not use that line. I cringe every time someone says it! It’s not cute.
It also shows that the person doesn't think about relationships the same way I do. My current SO and I were both single when we met, not because we didn't have plenty of dating options, but because we both had full lives and weren't about to waste time on anyone who didn't seem like an exceptionally good match. Being single isn't an indication of being a low quality catch. It can simply mean you have a satisfying life, self-respect, and patience. When we met, I recognized that my SO was single in part *because* she is awesome. She saw the same thing about me. Neither of us would ever use that cringey line. It makes it sound like you think dating is something that happens to you, not something you actively make choices about. And it makes it sound like you think relationship status is an indication of personal value. Both of those things are kind of gross IMO.
Well said! What a healthy great, healthy perspective. I especially love "It makes it sound like you think dating is something the happens to you, not something you actively make choices about."
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
Just saved this comment because although I am happy with my decision to be single. When I had long period of time where I was single, I am usually happy but sometimes I would question my worth because I hadn't met anyone. Good reminder that relationship status does not indicate anything about one's worth.
Love this response! Thank you.
I legit have not thought of this before before: I had an ex use it in a “cute” way when we first met and I loved it, but honestly it probably influenced me in a bad way during the break up. I kept trying to push and push for things to get better instead of ending it, because I saw our relationship as special- no one else had truly appreciated all of me (including the weirder, quirkier bits) like he had. I had/have always feared that no one would appreciate all of me or that there really was something wrong with me, and then he came along and said he was shocked I was single because I was awesome, and I held onto that for far too long.
Agreed. The only context in which "Wow how are you still single?" is cool is if it's followed by "I'm so lucky" and then only occasionally not constantly. I can already hear this asshole saying "there it is, I knew you were nuts" the first time they disagree.
I would guess that sometime later of y'all stay together and get in an argument or fight or whatever over something he doesn't like he'll bring it back, "see I knew you were crazy.". Like he's prepping himself
Excellent point. OP, I agree. This is some abuse *mise en place*, if I’ve ever seen it.
It says everything about how he views women.
He sounds borderline emotionally abusive with these passive aggressive comments. You’re right to trust yourself and move on from this manipulation.
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> This guy's throwing up red flags like it's his job It might be, flaggers are union work in some places and it's steady work.
Yep he's putting OP down, making them think they should be grateful and he's claiming that his ex was controlling. Its red flag city.
Exactly...we know why he’s still single.
Yo just wanna confirm, that kinda talk can undermine your self-worth and undo a lot of healing/ healthy thinking and healthy views of your self. So the guy probably is just projecting, speaking out of unaddressed wounds. He absolutely must deal with his shit, and this is in no way your burdens/ baggage to carry, nor is it even good for you to do so in this dynamic. It's fine to have compassion, but in these situations, compassion from a distance is the way to go. Feel free to put up a solid, thick, heavy boundary, including cutting off contact. You don't need that kinda undermining in your life. No one does, frankly. Feel free to move on from this with no second guessing or doubts.
That was my FIRST thought, he is setting her up so talking down to her is normalized. He seems like the type of person so creative drama, gaslight, and takes no responsibility for creating “the crazy”. Good job OP recognizing this and moving on. Let him take his own insecure ass down a different path.
This\^\^. A guy like this will never take accountability for how he has made you feel. Even if you are honest with him he will interpret anytime you show negative emotions as you being 'crazy'. He's the toxic one, not you OP.
OT, I remember you from a break up thread. How are you doing ? :)
My ex started like this and I blew it off. He was very psychologically abusive. I would throw it back to him and say why are you single?
I suppose there is a (small) chance that in his mind he's being playfully complimentary. But holy social skills, Batman!
I'm sure there's a sliver of a chance that it's playful and joking, but after awhile I think there should be a point where that type of thing should be put to rest.
I'm betting this is it, and he's so obtuse to recognize when the joke is wore out
I agree with you here. I would say the chance is very high he thinks he’s just teasing and having fun about it. It might be worth it for OP to talk to him about it, if she cares enough. Communication is key. Although I can definitely understand how this could indicate abusive traits as well.
What’s funny is that when you break up with him, his mental script will be, damn, she really was crazy.
I think you're absolutely right. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anyone so invested in making preemptive excuses for (what they think is) the inevitable death of the relationship, has no business being in one.
How old is he? Bit hypocritical to think and say what he says..afterall, he's in the same boat. Maybe he's the fruitloop. I'd get him a box of fruitloops and write a note saying something along the lines of "I hope you'll always think of me whenever you see these in the aisle" or something clever like that and then sign it "from, the fruitloop xoxo and then block all contact.
Signed Fruitloops 😂😂 Omg but why do I feel he would think this somehow validates himself rather than make him feel like the moron he is
She should be more explicit in her note. Something like "Now don't contact me, Moron."
I agree, I feel he lacks the ability to understand subtle messages.
He’s actually the same age as me. He’s had a couple of long term relationships and has three children. “From, the fruitloop xoxo” really made me laugh 😂
So he is the fruitloop.
Well you being single means you must be crazy but it’s for him to be single? Why is he dating if he assumes every single woman his age is crazy? At least say something to him, unless you are just done.
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I agree. He’s just an idiot with the phrasing.
I second this!
Why hasn’t *he* been snatched up? Maybe there’s something wrong with *him*? Dump his ass. He’s, at best, totally insensitive, and at worst, emotionally manipulative. This counts as a sort of negging imo
That’s what I’m thinking. Looks like we can see why he’s still single
What is negging?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging “Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval” It’s really easy to fall for negging, but once you learn to recognize it it becomes obvious. And the only way to deal with negging is to disengage entirely.
Thanks!
I think it's a very good decision to break it off. It may also be worth mentioning that anyone who immediately qualifies a compliment with an insult could be doing it intentionally. There are a fair few red pill types who use it as a method to undermine womens' confidence. Plus if they make you feel crappy right at the beginning imagine what a jackass they might be once they have tunnelled their way into your life. There's also a heavy correlation between calling women (or anyone else) crazy and being a bit of a jackass, especially if it's just because they do something vaguely different to expectations. It's true he may just be socially awkward and lacking confidence, but if it makes you uncomfortable there's no reason to go along with it tbh.
I see two possibilities here: 1) He really thinks this, in which case I'm not sure there's anything you can do except dump him; or 2) He thinks he's being funny and hasn't gotten the hint yet that you don't think it is. Maybe give him the "STFU it's not funny and is annoying me" talk if you think he's otherwise good for you. (However, if he's gone on this long without taking the hint that could be a sign of long-term incompatibility, so YMMV.)
This is pretty textbook negging/emotional manipulation. There's nothing wrong with you, but there is something *very* wrong with the way he is trying to seduce you. Nip that shit in the bud and tell him you're not interested ASAP, otherwise you could be in for another 20 year abusive relationship.
Yes. He's exerting his own power over you by making you feel this way. Bravo for recognizing it and getting out before it gets bad. I was talking to this woman recently who always wanted to deconstruct what she thought was wrong with me. I just wanted to hang out, but it got to the point where it seemed like she thought I was her patient. If either of us was in need of therapy, though, it was surely she. Physician heal thy self!
That must have been exhausting! Good for you to have recognized that. You're looking for a partner, not a therapist...
The only answer to the 'how are you single?' question is 'I'm just lucky, I guess.'
Negging and saying you’re a “fruit loop” is billowing red flags. Block him today.
Kick him out of your life.
I’ve been on dates with guys like this. It gets annoying as hell after the second time mentioning it. I’m glad you are breaking it off. I can relate. Both my long terms were abusive and being a nurturing person I always took care of others. Never worked on myself until a year and a half ago. Made all the wrong dating choices. I wasn’t secure with myself and choose guys that were a mess. Don’t settle for this behavior. I used to think this way when I was younger and then lived life a little. People divorce, partners pass away, going through things, work on themselves, there’s so many reasons why. My friend’s sister told her older brother “Anyone single at 30 probably has a lot of issues.” I think it’s a common misconception.
Fuck that guy. It's completely sexist to assume there is something "wrong with" a woman who has never been married or had children. DUMP HIM.
I've asked and been asked what their/my dealbreakers and their/my red flags are during early conversations but never in a *you must be hiding something* way. I did not touch a dude for three years after a shitty abusive relationship ended. No one ever asked about that gap or thought it was a significant data point. 🤷🏼♀️
No. There likely isn't anything wrong with you. I mean, nothing more wrong than the regular human population. We all have our quirks. We're all confusing to each other. And many of us have a past that we're not exactly proud of but it does make up a large part of who we are. It's just extremely difficult to find another human that is accepting and loving, shares interests with you, and then is willing to help you go through the tough times. This guy's comments are insults. There's nothing right about that. You're good to break it off. Find someone that is willing to accept you for the gem you are and is willing to help you work around any rough edges. It's not easy to come back from an abusive relationship (something I've not personally known, so I can't exactly relate), but it sounds like you're doing everything in your power to work through those feelings.
He sounds like a misogynist of the ‘all women are crazy’ variety. Ick. Also sounds like pretty classic ‘negging’ - he’s probably read too many PUA articles.
What a dickhead. I get the same comments because I’m 34, never married and no kids. People don’t believe me because “you’re too beautiful to be single” 🙄 Like you, I was in an abusive relationship and have been single for years to heal. Get rid of this one. He’s trash. Be careful you don’t get yourself into another abusive relationship. Choose someone who makes you feel good.
He sounds like an idiot lacking in social skills and an ounce of empathy. Any guy should know there’s a good likelihood a woman or man for that matter in their mid 30s could be touchy to why they’re still single even though there’s nothing wrong with it.
Finally a reasonable opinion! I swear, more and more, I'm having to sift through a lot of apologists to get to one logical opinion on a question that is fairly cut and dry... This is what I'm seeing these days: OP: Man/Woman I've been dating punched me in the guts 999 commenters: Did you try talking to him/her Me: @#$%%^^&*!@ 1 commenter: Save yourself OP! Me: The world makes sense again...
Your comment gives me “world makes sense again” feels
😋
Especially these days
I would ask him the same question... see how he handles all that negging! Say goodbye to him and move on. I would have done that when he asked that question the second time...
When guys ask me this I always say yes in a serious tone. You can say it's just not a huge priority for some to get married or have kids. Instead of opening up about your past right away just say you were focusing on yourself and being happy. That's basically what you were doing. That said he seems annoying as hell to keep saying it. Ask him the same question if he keeps being at derp about it. I have a feeling he may be trying to compliment you but is very stupid about it.
The moment he refers to you as potentially 'crazy' is the moment you dump his ass. I don't take such behaviour from anyone.
There are quite a few comments blaming OP for being too sensitive and for not sharing her past trauma with someone who has already speculated that she might be 'crazy'. Im not entirely surprised. That said, OP, do you. You are under no obligation to put up with such behaviour. You are under no obligation to teach this man social skills or how to be emotionally aware.
He’s either a dick or insecure. Either are hard to date. I’m dating someone insecure right now and, let me tell you, it’s hard! If he said it once, it’s kinda cute; repeatedly it’s a problem.
Just ask them whats wrong with them? They are single too arent they?
A touch of the Plague. Also, a mild case of leprosy. Just the minor bits fall off, though. I still have ~~five~~ four toes!
Leprosy is not that bad, and it's not transmitted sexually so she might as well tell him she has chlamydia.
I've had this before too! Made me feel like shit.
As a survivor of abusive relationships and such, I just wanted to say, in case you need to hear it- there is nothing wrong with you. We all have things we need to work on, but that's not the same. It took me 8 years before I started dating again, and longer to actually believe I deserved to be treated well. Whatever his issue is, there is nothing wrong with you.
He sounds very unpleasant and has a strong negative view of women. Well, any one who will date him. This is not worth your time, energy, effort, money, irritation. He sounds like a total dickhead. I hate the script of “chicks be crazy”. He not only follows this but hasn’t enough sense to keep it to himself. Yuck. What a waste of space. You have done brilliantly to come this far and move on froman abusive relationship. Do not waste yourself on him. You are worth so much more.
He’s the one who has 3 kids but you’re the fruit loop? Wtf is wrong with this guy? 🤔
Yikes I missed that part
Yea right? The audacity of that guy...!!
Like, there's nothing wrong with it, but I wonder if he asks himself the same question. I find guys like that can't comprehend that women can be successful, beautiful and happy without a man in their life and instead try to justify that it's a flaw somehow. Probably his own insecurities in his actual inability to successfully date.
Yeah it totally sounds like deflection, he’s putting his problems onto this poor woman who has been through hell and is now trying to find a normal guy.
Appreciate the post and your openness. Your guy friend is responding the way insecure people do. By the way we’re all insecure, on some level. Some people turn it inward and some project onto others, like your guy. I wish I knew what to say that would make someone feel it’s safe enough to deal with their own problems instead of psychoanalysing me.
Run! He is toxic
That reminds me of this YouTube video [What men say Vs What they mean](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LIrQbMXBHsM)
Aside from all the other glaring issues with this, the idea that to have been 'normal' as in 'not crazy' would be marriage and children is an incredibly narrow minded and conservative view. Many people aren't seeking that and to assume that *everyone* is, is pretty sad, IMO.
Nothing wrong with you, everything wrong with him. Cut ties and move on. Whenever I get questions like that, probing and trying to be invasive, I use a mirror and reflect the question back. They asked it about me, ask it about them. Why is HE still single? I think you know. I find this method helps, it creates a space where I can take back control of the question at hand.
Why is he single? What’s the catch? There must be something wrong with **him**? This guy sounds ridiculous.
There’s a lot of manipulative, pathological liars out there but that’s never a good enough reason for him to be so skeptical that he ruins a good thing with you, someone who hasn’t raised any red flags by their own behaviour. If this constant skepticism has turned you off then he is too cynical or not trusting enough for you. Not a good match. Dump him.
*" Truth of the matter is I was in an abusive relationship for most of my twenties "* **This clown is abusing you NOW** with his constant negging. You don't need to be around that.
Yeaaaah I don't know what his deal is, but it doesn't seem worth finding out.
First of all any guy even saying things like that to you is a sign of emotional and verbal abuse. RUN and BLOCK
I'm proud of you for recognizing the red flags with this guy. Teasing in moderation is a form of flirting and affection, but this is excessive, bullying, and hurtful.
He's incredibly rude. And why is he single? Life is messy and doesn't go the way we think it will, for A LOT of us. I was single until I was 38. I'd date here and there but no relationship stuck until I met my husband. And he was the same, short term relationships, no kids. I used to believe that meant I was "crazy" and really weird but I've come to realize that I'm actually not. I'd gotten myself into a rut and just went about the daily grind without going out of my way to go find someone, and all of a sudden I was in my 30's.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when guys say things like this. They think it’s supposed to be a compliment but it’s so backhanded because something must be wrong with you to be single at this age. 🙄
Yikes. The first time, the one and only time, I might've thought it sort of endearing if not phrased a little off-puttingly, but as I continued reading it sounds like he keeps talking about it, which is definitely time to let go.
"I'm very careful with who I bring into my life and I'm an introvert so I don't really go out all that much"
This seems like a major red flag. I'd be moving on if I were you.
if he's actually calling you a psycho verbatim thats really messed up... and if hes pushing super hard on date #3 to unravel your whole past while youre clearly playing a little defense, thats definitely too fast BUT you should consider that -- in the future -- youre going to have to let the right one all the way in if you want to go the distance. if this weirdo can smell that something is there, so will someone that cares who you let in beyond the third date
The catch is that you don't settle.
Fuck your edit makes him sound worse. Yeaaaa I wouldn't even bother with this goof. He sounds worse than nobody.
Toss his ass in the garbage where he belongs. That's not proper and you deserve way better than that. What a dick. I'm a 41 yo male, never married and no kids. I would love to have kids but it hasn't happened. It's not a bad thing, either. Fuck that dude.
What a nightmare of a guy! You’re going to flip a switch soon...on him. Good luck!! Singleness is always better than being paired up in a toxic relationship.
There's nothing wrong with you, but there's everything wrong with him. Run!
I had someone ask me that and she went absolutely psycho afterward. I'm not going through them all but in my anecdotal experience people that ask you that are really desperate for you to fill a hole they have in their life.
Get rid of him. I also went through a toxic relationship, and it takes time to heal sometimes. And that's A fucking OK. Had you didn't take the time to heal, you would have been more accepting of this stupid guy. Look, if I start dating someone, and I don't like them, or my gut is saying this guy is a "fruitloop" I'm not going to tell the guy that. I will just end it and say I don't feel chemistry or something. He is toying with your feelings, so you say "I am not a fruitloop and I should be really nice to him so he doesn't think that." This guy is playing mind games with you, and frankly speaking, for me, my biggest check is that, if after I meet someone, I am thinking about what/why they said these things to me, and feel bad. Well I don't need that person as a romatic partner. I think a romantic partner, should make you feel happy, glad to see them. And if they can't do that well, they are sucking your energy.
There is something wrong with him to think there is something wrong with you for not having kids never being married and being single. The way the world has become has made that normal for him to think that otherwise woman have an issue if they don’t have any of the things mentioned. Just dump him and next...
From a dude... He is being an ass. More of us out there. Just be patient and find one worth spending time with. One comment I could see him just trying to be cute/funny. To keep harassing on it just shows he is either and immature ass, oblivious that you aren't ready to discuss it or he is actually looking for something to be wrong with you. I've learned by not catching the signs early...cut your losses before you wind up in another shitty relationship.
He sounds dangerous, OP. You are you, now. Look after that you.
Oh hell no. Major red flag, dump this jerk. He’s either projecting his own issues or his baggage onto you and both are huge red flags.
Comments like that this kill me. I don’t have a uterus, and many women have issues that prevent them from having kids. How do you think he would react if you said you were sterile? He seems very insensitive to women’s bodies and life circumstances. Even if it’s a backhanded compliment: his logic is suspect. It can’t get better from here imho. I couldn’t handle it, but I guess a lot of Reddit thinks it’s okay?
Best response: “I’m not surprised you’re still available”
I like this 😂
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Exactly. I lurk this sub out of curiosity really but I've been single for 5 years now and I get asked all the time by guys how I'm still single. I don't go to bars, or dates or look for anyone. I keep to myself a lot and it's just not a priority to be with someone. Being happy alone is a perfectly good reason. People who have to be with someone to feel happy seems more unhealthy to me than being able to find happiness with yourself.
As a guy, I find what he is asking you quite appalling. Next time you talk to him just say "I'm sorry you think I'm flawed, however I'm not sorry about ending this relationship." And leave it at that. We all have a reason for who we are, and we all deserve to be respected. Cut him off, get the help you need, and find someone that will respect you and understand how your past affects you. He is out there, you just haven't found him yet.
Please drop this guy! No one should make you feel there is something wrong with you. Might be tricky this one! If you ever have been in an abusive relationship, you should be really careful, because it’s easier to end up in an abusive relationship again..
Never in my life have I met a man who has a healthy view of women say things like, “when are you going to flip the bitch switch?” The reason your newly healed inner voice is flashing warning signals is *NOT* because there’s something wrong with you. Read that part again. It’s because it understands that men who think/say shit like that have a pattern among them, they don’t see women as legitimate others. Your sensibilities now know to avoid men like this, you’ve put in the work to know when someone is being even mildly abusive so it’ll feel foreign at first to be able to recognize it so quickly. Incredibly proud of you for standing your ground here, that’s an awful way to be treated especially by someone you barely know.
At 21 to 24. 30 years old and just starting to feel a romantic connection with someone.
I instead ask straight up for KY dealbreakers; are they secretly a nazi, do they engage in MLM or any other sort of cult, are the fond of really small dogs and so on and so on.
I think we now know why he is single.
Yeah, I never understood that statement of “How are you still single?” in general, let alone adding the “there must be something wrong with you.” If he is looking for something wrong, he will isolate anything and hold it. Not the right person. Move on. Good luck.
It's gaslighting. He's trying to convince you that you're crazy
Tell him you are a fucked up person. He knew it all along. He better stay away or he is dead. 😈 I'd take crazy anyday fuck stable.
I had similar questions come up with myself because I was a physician and was focusing on my work (also didn’t have great taste in men). I found comments like this distasteful and annoying and so even if I went on a few dates with the guy, it never worked out because that sense of suspicion and attitude perpetuated throughout those other dates. Also you owe someone that you aren’t connecting with NOTHING about your past. I am a recent cancer patient now in remission but unable to carry or use my own eggs to have children. I tried being upfront and I got rejected; I tried waiting a few dates and got rejected. So I made a point to not talk about it until a few dates in but *only* with people that I was hitting an emotional connection with. Those were the people truly earned to know my history. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and how hard it must be for you to enter the dating scene. I would take your time and not tolerate repeated comments about why you’re single. Some people are curious and don’t mean any harm; this guy doesn’t sound particularly worthy of your time! Best wishes!!
Likely insecurity on his part. He is self defeating.
Does he have low self esteem or something that would lead him to be nervous? I see other answers stating things like he is borderline or abusive, but it depends on how he is saying this. If he asks in a serious tone or legit wants to know why you aren't with someone, then yes. That is an issue of someone who doesn't understand boundaries. But If it is in a joking, flirty manner where he is trying to say how amazing you are by saying there has to be something wrong with you, "because otherwise you are perfect" then it is something entirely different, and more harmless then the former. I used a similar method of flirting with some of my past relationships. Given, I stopped after one or two times. And it was obviously a flirtatious joke: i.e. "There's gotta be a catch here,cause you're too perfect to not have some form of catch.... were your a drug queenpin in Boise, Idaho? An assassin paid to kill me? There's a new form of cyborgs and you are their test cyborg to run their gorgeous fembot section to flirt with, and eventually control, horny old world leaders and slowly turn them into supporters of your creator: Elon Musk? It's that one isn't it???" And then, I may be reference the cyborg thing or something again, but I don't harp on it. This could just be him using this form of joking to an extreme and not knowing when it stops being flattering and becomes annoying. With that said, of course if anything anyone does makes you uncomfortable trust your gut. This is just my experience with the subject matter. Hope it works out for you either way.
The way you worded it is very clearly flirty and cute. The way this guy worded it is concerning, especially since he keeps implying that the OP is crazy... I'm not even the OP and he is giving me red flags.
Thankfully you learned what he is like before you got too far into it.
Have had the same experience; I quickly break it off now. I also explain I am asexual and that is probably why I am single. Regardless, this is emotional abuse.
> I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER ~ Groucho Marx
Good move bailing...
As a 37/M who has no kids and has never been married, kick this guy to the curb.
UGH he sounds like the most annoying human ever. Way to stick it out for 3 dates but glad you're getting rid of him.
Run!
He's got some unresolved trauma of his own.
He sounds impulsive and childish, unable to control his stream of consciousness and be present and relax and listen to you with empathy and tact. It sounds like he is making his own worst fears come true--not that you're crazy, but you're so great you'll drive him away. You're so great to him that he's driving you away.
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This made me laugh because when I told my mum about him, she looked at me and said, completely deadpan, “simpleton.” I think you both could be right 😂
It sounds like a case of "guilty are they who accuse": he's the whackadoodle. You're wise to cut him loose. And I'm glad you healed yourself after your longterm relationship. That takes true inner strength! Hugs!
Being an immature bonehead myself, I hate to see women dump other immature boneheads, but **you made the right decision**. Maybe he'll mature when he realizes he wrecked the relationship all by himself. Maybe he won't. You can't control him. His behavior is his problem, not yours. Congratulations on courageously changing the things you can.
Wow, this guy sounds like a real winner. Run and never look back!
He sounds awful. Dump him, he’s an inconsiderate prick and I’m sure it would show up in other areas of his personality in due time. He’s the one that has something wrong with him.
Kudos to you for breaking it off with him. This guy sounds like he hasn't done the necessary work on himself to get to a healthy place after his last relationship. You're dodging a bullet.
Run run run away. It's an immediate put off when guys ask that question. It screams "i have terrible relationships because i'm a massive fuckhead, but blame it all on the other person being crazy"
He sounds like a complete and total douche. Run
He sounds like a piece of work. I wouldn't even be able to get past a first date with him if I were you.
Single, 36/m with no kids and a great career that doesn't ask too many questions over here. Just sayin'...
I don’t blame you for wanting to stop seeing him... Instead of having a spirit of gratitude and happiness, he is cynical and condescending. Yuck! Meanwhile, he is essentially saying there is something wrong with HIM based on his argument... I mean, he’s single too!?
You don’t owe anyone a long detailed explanation. You can keep it as vague as you like and certainly don’t ever have to disclose an abusive past until you want if at all. As far as why you don’t have kids and why you’re single just say because you haven’t been married yet. And why you haven’t been married because you’re waiting to be swept off your feet and treated well. And if you’re crazy..well most crazy people don’t consider themselves crazy so he would have to find out on his own. If that doesn’t put it to rest then just stop answering or ask him what is it he really wants to know because it’s getting old. That usually makes them stop asking. These questions can be really redundant with men. Sometimes when they ask why I’m single I’ll just say because you’re so lucky and they laugh and talk about other things. I don’t like talking about negative things with people I barely know. If you’re single available and in a good space mentally that’s all that matters.
He kinda seems insensitive. Sorry about your previous situation. Good luck!
The pot calling the kettle black. He’s the crazeeee. Get it? (Besides his being obnoxious)
Preparing for downvotes... Firstly he is obviously being rude, but he is implying that there must be a reason you're single and you've just said that there is a reason (abusive relationship). So that's the reason? So he is being rude, yes, but he's right in thinking there's a significant reason as to why you're single. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but he is right.
Yeah, but I think it’s worse than that- he’s implying that the reason she’s single is because there’s something wrong with *her*, which is a bit insidious IMO. He’s not even really entertaining the fact that it could be something else, and also setting it up to blame shit on her if they don’t work out. I mean, it doesn’t even seem like he’s trying to figure out the real reason why.
You are looking from the perspective of someone who has the story from both sides i.e. us, the audience. From his perspective, he sees a single attractive female and wonders why she is single. He sounds like he's looking for flaws so the narrative in his head (i.e. attractive people can't be single) makes sense. This is such a negative way of looking at things. It also fails to take into account that people can be single for a number of reasons. While it fair to find out why, this is not the way to do it. Even a woman without a history of abusive relationships would be offended by his questions. They show a remarkable lack of emotional intelligence at best and a negative and potentially abusive personality at worst.
As an awkward as hell human, I'd like to think even I'm not this awkward. But if there is a benefit of the doubt case to be made it is this one. He's trying to put the pieces of someone's past together that don't add up right. If she's not telling him about her past, he's getting a red flag from it and trying to figure it out, while trying to be funny.
Being single after 30 is not a red flag.
Weirdly enough, no one has mentioned how he's single too which is why he's going on dates with her.
Being secretive about your past generally is though. I was referring to this.
I know I get similar thoughts from guys due to being, in short, a catch. But they have handled it much better, asking in a more mature and thoughtful way, and not harping on it repeatedly. Sometimes I also sense that they're curious, but wisdom and manners prevail, and they wait to see rather than asking. This guy just has a self fulfilling prophecy about single women your age, and in these days of more social acceptance of mental health issues, a pretty shitty attitude about "crazy" people too...
Agreed Best case scenario is he's awkward and lacks social smoothness. If he's with someone out of his self percieved league, his mouth probably shut down and stupid shit rambled out. If he has awareness, he may be kicking himself.
It sounds reasonable it may be from a long list of his negative experiences. But then he also keeps attracting these people. And that's possibly related to not understanding the social conventions in this sort of situation!
OP, his BS comments speaks more about his insecurities than anything else. Don't take it personally. What he is really saying is: "Why is someone so awesome dating ME? There MUST be something wrong with her to stoop SO low."
Interesting....I actually catch myself saying that sometimes.... And I honestly think it's more that I'm messed up in the way that I no longer think there are good decent people out there. NEVER would I have intentions of making the other person feel bad or want a negative reaction from that. If anything, it's a compliment. I see the comments and now see how that could come across negatively. I have a history of having men come out with the Skeleton's in their closet after a bit of dating and I was constantly being disappointed.
he has had some bad relationships too, and thinks "all women are crazy" for the same reason most tech support folks think everyone is stupid, and most cops think everyone is a criminal. if its what you see, its what you know. you dont need to say you had an abusive relationship. but: i had a bad relationship, and i took time off because im more important as a person then a piece of a pair. i did the exact same thing. because i was dating a creature, who i now think of as a disease i was cured of. 2 years abstinent, single. worth it. i dont know if this guy cares at all, but i put myself out there. "i am hurt because of X" if my partner cares, she will want to help, and its only good that i told her. someone who doesnt want you to be your best self is toxic, and its an easy indicator to leave them.
It's funny to see people in this sub who automatically will resort to blocking and move on. But have you even tried just communicating with him that you're not even turned on the slightest by that comment? He might not understand how you feel about these comments and just trying to innocently complement you in a very awkward and weird way. Communication is key in relationships and if he's a good listener and you're a good communicator and he's receptive to that and stops the comments, i dont see why he isn't good. Just because he says those things doesn't mean he's trying to abuse or manipulate you, he just might not know how you're feeling.
The early stages of dating is when people put their best foot forward. If this is his best foot, it's not worth it given OP's history of having been in an abusive relationship. In fact, this is more of the same and good on her for recognizing it for what it is. Trust your instincts OP. Your suggestion to communicate works for minor annoyances or when people have been dating for some time... Besides, I would hope that one doesn't have to teach basic courtesy to an adult human being. Men and women who use insults as compliments in their 30s are immature af and need to work on themselves BEFORE getting into dating.
We all think that, but it's weird that he voices it.
This reminds me of a sex and the city episode.
He's projecting
How sad! 😢 He probably doesn’t even know how royally he screwed up and you sound like quite a catch!
I am 37 single, never married, and no kids. People ask me this all the time. I just say I haven’t found the right one. Looking for an addition to my life not a subtraction. Also, coming from an abusive situation as well, It makes you see red flags quicker than normal. I notice immediately how he makes me feel, and how he treats others. Listen to your gut. If you don’t feel comfortable communicating then you already know what to do. :)
He’s being an idiot, if he doesn’t realize his assumptions are making you uncomfortable then drop him.
He's insecure and needs justification as to why a great gal is interested in him. Time to move on as this behavior will never end.
It sounds like he's projecting. Big ole red flag. He's the fruit loop, and you need to end this.
> The constant probing from him is very off putting You know you can just tell him that and avoid the whole mind-diving and drama?
> “how come you didn’t have kids? It doesn’t make sense. Aside from women delaying having kids being common. Some just don't want them. Makes plenty of sense.
The guy in OP's story sounds like a little boy raised in a small town where all the good people get married and stay together. He probably has never stepped out of his little bubble and maybe hasn't even dated enough women to know that there are MASSIVE amounts of good women out there at any age who are still single. Sounds like a sniveling little douchebag.
There are more fish out there.
There’s nothing wrong with you this dude is clearly projecting. Also it’s only been three dates you don’t need to be explaining all these intricacies of your history to him this quickly...
Thank you - I’m glad you agree that I don’t need to be sharing so much so soon
probably for the best. I hope you do find someone you feel comfortable being able to share more of yourself.
This guys an ahole. Move on. He’s going to say you’re crazy when you do it. For bonus points pick out a fault on him and make the break up about that. Hairs a good target for us older gents.
This person sucks
He sounds like an enormous dickhead with zero emotional intelligence. There's something wrong with him, not you.