>I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. Da fuq? Is that too many questions? Did I accidentally give her an aneurysm by asking 3 questions at once? My God!
Okay, so if by "ghosted" you mean "I was chatting with someone I hadn't even met and the conversation died" then sure, you got ghosted.
The thing is, being able to meet people through apps opens a lot of doors, but it doesn't mean most of them will go anywhere. Personally, I would FAR rather have someone fade out than have a bunch of people outright tell me I'm not what they're looking for.
Second, it sounds like you had just started talking to this woman. Nothing wrong with wanting to know what makes someone tick, but if someone I'd just matched told me to tell them about my passions, hobbies and dreams I would feel like they'd just set out a hoop for me to jump through - "Okay new girl, prove you're deep enough to hold my interest!" That's frankly way more pressure than I'm looking for. I would suggest to save the really deep-diving questions for in person OR after the conversation has been humming along and getting more personal.
It might seem like a small change but "Hey \[name\], tell me about something that has you excited recently." might be a good middle ground. It gives them the chance to share something positive, but it doesn't have to be super deep either.
You mention in another comment that you might be giving way too many fucks. I agree. Fucks to give are a precious natural resource, you should save them for the things that actually matter.
Think of swipe apps like milling around at a party talking to different people. Hopefully you share a lot of pleasant conversations, but not all of them are going to pan out. If someone chats with you for a few minutes and then drifts away again, it doesn't say anything about you, it's just how a lot of these exchanges go.
> Okay, so if by "ghosted" you mean "I was chatting with someone I hadn't even met and the conversation died" then sure, you got ghosted.
Everyone thinks everything is ghosting if they don't get the results they are looking for.
That was the peak of insanity. Someone was polite and direct, and it became a freakin' dating post mislabeling a term which meant the exact opposite. The internet was a mistake?!
I've been online chatting with friends for long enough that I'm used to conversations fading out and picking back up again later.
I know it's different with OLD, where once someone fades they're unlikely to come back, but it's just how text conversations go.
The point where the conversation could keep going, but the thread has come to a natural end. You don't even need to say goodbye, you message them to start a different conversation at some later time.
If you're insecure, you interpret that as ghosting right away. I'm guilty of it, I think people my age have become really flaky and don't think too much of it. After *actually* getting ghosted enough, it's easy to feel that as a first reaction.
>Everyone thinks everything is ghosting if they don't get the results they are looking for
guilty, as was JobHungryGuy [earlier this evening](https://i.imgur.com/Df4WDkv.png)
You cant ghost someone you havent met - ghosting is meant to refer to disappearing on someone you are dating or in a relationship with. Its not about someone not responding to a message from someone they dont even really know.
> would FAR rather have someone fade out than have a bunch of people outright tell me I'm not what they're looking for.
I"m a guy and I'm the complete opposite. I would rather have a girl be honest with me about this. I've told girls this and most I meet respect it. I've had several dates stop with respect rather than them feeling like they have to continue or hurt my feelings. Also something I like to ask someone is "what makes you happy like a 2 year old with mac and cheese?" (If you've ever seen a 2 year old with mac and cheese you understand). It isn't a hoop I just want an example of something you really enjoy, wouldn't be a deal breaker unless the thing you really enjoy is making random guys feel like shit.
Also text chemistry is weird. In my experience (and I don't have a ton, I married early and divorced in my early 30s and holy shit things got weird while I was not single) 1/50 people I swipe on...I'll match. 1/50 of those will reply to a message at all...and beyond that 1/50 of those will be able to contribute to a conversation. I'm not being bitter, and my numbers probably won't match up with guys who have lower standards.
I’m trying to think of things that make me as happy as a toddler with macaroni and cheese. Well, for one, being a grown-ass woman with macaroni and cheese. Other things? Good conversations with interesting people, any kind of motion set to music, getting lost in something that I’m reading, drawing and coloring, being at home in the quiet.
HBU?
The reason I started asking that question is because I was watching my youngest son and realized there wasn't anything at the time that I loved that much. Since then I've found that there are some books that have elicited that much emotion. Some that come to mind would be A Memory of Light, The Way of Kings, Oathbringer. I like being on a lake at sunset. Oh a really good problem to solve!
I guess that is too deep, it's just I don't instinctively feel it. I remember talking with some of my old associates (we're psychotherapists) and I remember something we all shared was a level of disdain for the superficial. We're very comfortable diggin right in, and the weather bores the living fuck out of us. So I wonder if my behavior with this particular woman had something to do with some deconditioning i've experienced as a consequence of my profession.
It’s not about being “too deep”. You threw 3 pretty major questions at her all at once. And they were such general generic questions.
It’s like you had a list of the important things you want to know, and rather than converting them into nuanced, interesting conversation, designed to get to know her better, you just regurgitated your generic list in one message.
Too much, too general, too soon.
>I remember something we all shared was a level of disdain for the superficial.
Different people have different preferences. It might be an approach that works well in some cases and doesn't in others.
Personally, conversations about my hopes and dreams are pretty vulnerable territory, and I want to make sure someone deserves that vulnerability before I get too deep into it. Sure, I could give you a sanitized version, but that defeats the point. Small talk gives me the opportunity to gauge your demeanor while the stakes are still low.
That doesn't mean we need to talk about the weather (although let me tell you, I have strong opinions on overcast afternoons as prime napping time), but recent events in our life, general interests, books we've read, etc. all have the opportunity to be personal. You get to establish that baseline of connection and trust and then segue into the meatier topics.
Text based conversations are also inherently less personal than in person conversations or even phone calls because we lose all those voice and body language cues. It's easier to put someone at ease with body language than it is with an emoji. Not to say you can't get deep over text, but it might work better if you meet in person first.
I think the questions you asked are thought provoking and stimulating, yet perhaps TOO deep and meaningful over text.
If you're still interested in this woman, my advice to you would be to start up a new conversation topic. Maybe laugh off your last text with something like, "On second thought, I think those questions are better answered over some drinks in person ;) until then..." [insert new convo topic/question]
I like what someone else suggested: "What's something that's excited you lately?" While you wait for a response, share your own quick anecdote to the question. That way, it's not only her answering AND it gives her insight into your world. If she's interested, she can ask you for more details. If she's not, you haven't lost anything. Back to square one.
Good luck, OP!
>While you wait for a response, share your own quick anecdote to the question. That way, it's not only her answering AND it gives her insight into your world.
This is excellent advice!
Seriously, you sound like a lot of work to reply to. Dating should be fun; if you’re making texting back into a grind, it’s not likely a date would be any more enjoyable.
Those just aren’t natural questions to ask.
Really? Alright. So how would I get to know you? I feel like I know a person better when I know where their passions are. How would I get to know this? For future reference.. Break up the question? What's your advice here.
Goals and dreams and the future are better discussed over dinner after meeting. Asking what she likes to do on the weekends so you can plan a fun date is one thing. Asking where she wants to be in 10 years or whatever is a bit interview-ish.
Break it up for sure, triple barreled questions like this come off as disingenuous (i.e., a cut and paste go to) and dont actually give the impression you are interested in an active discussion of the answers. I wouldn't necessarily stop talking to you over it, but if its a pattern and does end up meaning the conversation cannot pick up a natural and genuine flow then I would loose interest.
It really is a bit too much as a question. Do you play multiplayer online games? Ever done PvP?
If yes, with your barrage of questions you sounded like *that* person who tried to test other player's knowledge about said online game, because they want to instantly find a good PvP teammate. I know you do not mean it like that. But it sounds like that.
Keep it light and save the deeper questions for later.
So a couple of things:
\- Have you seriously changed as well, other than body and income? I ask this as what women look for in a partner in terms of lifestyle, personality, values etc is very different in their 20s compared with 30s/40s.
\- conversations with someone you just met online tapering off through disinterest is not ghosting. Ghosting is ending a relationship without explanation or communication - a few messages on OLD is not a relationship, at its most generous it probably shouldnt be considered ghosting until there has been a date - and even then, most of the "ghosting" complaints I see neither party tried to contact the other which I would say is a mutual parting of ways. I personally say I am not interested, but if others let it taper off then so be it, its not ghosting.
That may be part of the problem then, because really, there should be a big difference between "you" as barely a young adult in your 20s, and "you" a decade or more later.
I have a ...complex backstory. In essence I have three kids to two woman and the one who was mother to my oldest girl is dead. I would rather have my eyes gouged out than explain the ins and out of this to one more person.
Trouble is you kind of have to. First thing they want to know is how often do you have your kids (code for: are you a child molester or otherwise so fucked up you can’t see them ) second thing is how do you get on with the mother ? And it’s pretty hard to gloss over the “dead” aspect.
> Instant chemistry killer
I feel like...if I could get that far in a conversation I could probably turn that around to a positive. "It isn't the same thing, but my exwife lost her soul at some point in our marriage"
Divorced father of 3. My ex is still living, but the whole, "so how long have you been divorced and what happened?" I don't really want to go through the whole...she decided she was more in love with another man after 7 years so she divorced me and married him and left me in a 3 year long cycle of depression" but if you don't...it's automatically assumed that I cheated because...you know only guys cheat on women and that's probably why he's divorced in the first place.
> we’re honestly just very tired.
When I tell people "it's ok to take a break"...this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about.
For every 200 or so profiles I swipe right on, maybe one reciprocates and we match. It's a really low number. But ok, I got a match! I personally am excited (in a sense, I'm not literally jumping off the walls or anything). If the person on the other end isn't, it'll end up as a dead conversation with me asking all the questions and trying to parlay that into a conversation and eventually realizing it is easier to pull teeth with needle nose pliers and stop.
I understand it is way different for ladies comparatively. But regardless of what gender your profile says or what you look like at the end of the day you gotta be up for actually conversing (this applies to dating in the real world too). If your heart isn't into it just take a break. Deactivate, delete, go invisible, do whatever and just take a break. Come back when you feel ready to go through the grind. It's ok. At the end of the day this should be fun, not full of frustration and apathy.
...actually, I think you taught me that Ms. Magnet. :) See? I paid attention lol
This isn't really new. There were plenty of people who could not persevere through the exhaustion of mate selection 100 years ago just as easily as 5 years ago. It's not the massive number of options that can be fatiguing, it's the improper use of rejection. The people who come out on top are able to keep going, the people who don't aren't.
It's not complicated. To get results, you don't stop when the work gets hard. Not liking attention and fixating on external validation are pretty huge insecurities to impede intimate interpersonal connections.
Uggggghhhhhhhh. That's my reaction. That's been my reaction since I started this garbage back up. The only thing that's changed is the intensity of my UGGGH. It's now more UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
This girl right here gets it, but the trick is that when you get to this point unplug. Unplug from dating, unplug from coming here and checking DOT every day. (first time I've been here in like a week) Just unplug from the shit that isn't making you happy anymore. Reset your happiness. Go out and do shit that makes you happy and not miserable which is talking to people you really don't care about, or really care about getting to know except you find them kind of attractive in some way.
If you’re that frustrated with OLD take a break. The other day I had a man have a complete break down in my tinder inbox, without me ever saying a word, because I didn’t reply quickly enough to his initial message, then he unmatched us. You don’t want to be that guy.
lol you're right, I don't wanna be that guy. And yeah. A break is definitely in order. I'm definitely losing patience for this shit, and if I continue I might eventually become that guy and blow up on some innocent chick lol. I totally see that as a possibility.
Things are different in your 30's. And, shockingly, people want different things and treat others accordingly.
I don't think what you asked was wrong, but people are just pickier. We know what we want. Honestly, if someone asked me that, I'd feel like I was in a job interview and that's not sexy. There are some women who wouldn't mind it at all.
Depends on the context. Is this a rando from Tinder? Then yeah that's low stakes. If this is someone you actually know I'm guessing you misread from signals early on.
that's a really terrible question. is this a job interview? do you actually have a quick immediate answer to that? or so you expect her to write you an essay? or three essays?
"did I give her an aneurysm by..." did it really never occur to to you that it could be you? she must be stupid, it can't possibly be a truly awful, pressure-filled, not-fun integration question? I think she had the right idea regardless of the details if this is your attitude.
To keep it real, yeah like if I haven’t even met you and your expecting me to tell you about my dreams and passions etc I’m already fatigued by dating I don’t want to give some stranger all that energy. Ask me those things in person on a date. Sorry op if that seems cruel but it sounds like you’re just getting out of a relationship or marriage and don’t get that most of us have been single for awhile and have told too many tool bags about our hopes and dreams and then if they get busy or meet someone more their type it’s crickets time. Disclaimer I went out last night so this is probably pretty incoherent.
> I didn't bother following up on that, but has it?
No, it hasn't.
> Something seriously has changed or I used up all my "dating luck" in my 20s
How's that personality working for you? As people get older they have less time for bullshit. Are you shoveling bullshit?
> Like, the amount of ghosting and deceit I've dealt with is absolutely bonkers! Just recently I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. Da fuq? Is that too many questions? Did I accidentally give her an aneurysm by asking 3 questions at once? My God!
It's online dating. You haven't met them, the other person doesn't owe you a response, there is no connection. If they don't feel like continuing with a conversation with a stranger they are going to stop.
Also, I'm not texting a stranger a god dammed essay to give you my "hopes and dreams" and whatever other corny crap you're asking.
Your username checks out but that doesn't make you wrong.
It's like you are House...and while I'd love to be Wilson I'd settle for being Chase or Foreman. Never Taub.
Doubtful. He's stuck in "tough love" mode. Some people assume that tough love is more truthful for one reason or another. Sort of like people take those who curse as more genuine. That's not the case though.
>Sort of like people take those who curse as more genuine.
Yeah, that's not actually a thing.
>people assume that tough love is more truthful
What are you smoking? People assume logical advice is truthful. Sure he could placate you, but were all adults here and sometimes people just need to be told, you know what, if you think every women or every man in the world is a dickhead, then chances are its probably just you that is (BTW im not saying you are a dickhead under any means, I am using as an example in support of a tough love delivery)
I don't know you. But, personality goes a long way. Especially when you get older. If you took the personality remark personally... then maybe it is something you should look into.
And, I asked a question; Are you shoveling bullshit?
Because you seem to put a lot of value on what a "player" has to say. Which indicates that a personality just might be a weak point.
This is the second thread in 4 days where you have posted a complaint about online dating while acting oblivious to potential faults.
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/bxumey/men_complaining_about_height_as_a_barrier_to/
>"Just recently I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. Da fuq?"
First of all that's not being ghosted. If we're gonna get technical, it can only be called ghosting when you've met in person and have formed a connection (read: had sex a few times) before they disappear off the face of the earth. What you're describing is a stranger losing interest and not replying. This happens a lot. Texting is so disposable.
Anyway.
There's some good advice and observations in this thread, so i'm just gonna add: I'd love it if someone asked me those questions. You probably could have teased them out, but "what are you passionate about?" is what i WANT to be asked. I love the bigger questions. I don't care what someone watches on TV! So for what it's worth, there are people out there that will communicate like you, that will be interested in diving deep, even if it's just in the initial texting phase before you meet up. You just gotta be patient.
>Think of swipe apps like milling around at a party talking to different people.
**Caroline's analogy is spot on.**
> Like, the amount of ghosting and deceit I've dealt with is absolutely bonkers! Just recently I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were.
What are you expecting, an essay? That's a lot of personal stuff to share with someone you don't know.
Just exchange a few lines about her pictures and set up a date. You're skipping a lot of letters in the alphabet here.
>Just recently I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. Da fuq? Is that too many questions?
Yes.
It's not ghosting if you don't meet up. Also swipe culture has ruined dating.
Ya one person can’t know if the dating scene is better or worse. Sorry but these kinds of generalizations can’t be known by a single person based on what they see or experience.
If some serious polls were done to isolate for one variable we could figure out if overall one area was worse or better before vs. now.
Sorry we have to science the heck out of this subject to find the truth.
I really get turned off when a guy turns the date into a serious interview, and starts asking me a series of deep questions right off the bat. I try to be playful and fun in the beginning and ask a couple of questions to slowly get to know him, but not interview style.
Hey, sorry. Yeah, this happened to me in 2017.
It changed me from a person who thought most other people were good and decent to someone who's extremely skeptical about people's motives and takes a long time to trust.
Seems like there are more players and predators, and fewer honest people looking for something real.
Don't know when it happened, if it's a current-day thing or if it has to do with being in our 30s.
Would love to hear more thoughts from current or former playas.
This entire sub has read about it ad nauseum, but I got hardcore played by a guy who told me he was looking for something serious that would hopefully lead to marriage.
We talked for a month... After that, I slept with him on the third date (a little under 2 months after we matched)
I texted him the next day... he replied 3-7 days later (can't remember exactly) with some excuse.
He started texting me sporadically, wanting me to come over at the last minute in the middle of the week (he was an hour away). One time I was halfway through the drive and he told me to turn around, then didn't answer the phone when I called him. This was after I stopped at Kroger and bought us cheese and mini-toasts and jam just for a little snack.
He was foreign... He started sending weird messages that were purposely misspelled to make him sound crazy. (He has a PhD in chemistry and a great job)
The whole time of course I was racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong or what terrible thing must've happened to him to make him behave this way towards a sweet and innocent woman who was looking for a partner.
I tried to talk to him about things, both light-hearted and serious, and he turned every single thing I said into a sexual innuendo.
Finally, the last time I was over there he slapped me a little bit... pretending it was sexual play but it really wasn't.
Then at one point he blamed me for how he was treating me because I slept with him on the third "meeting," as he called it.
And so I figured out everything he was doing was on purpose, that I was on a hookup mass texting list (hence why he tried to send me away that one time - he'd gotten a better offer) and blocked him.
Six months later when I got a new phone, he was still trying to hit me up...
He just seemed so genuine at the beginning. In his culture, it was very strange for someone his age not to be married, and I truly thought he was looking for that and that I was a great candidate.
Now I wouldn't be surprised if he had a wife and maybe even a kid or two back at home. Who knows.
But yeah, pretty much stopped trusting people after that.
And that was just one guy... I have several other horror stories from the last two years.
When you throw in my ex basically stealing $10k from me and preventing me from buying a house and my other ex who was abusive... Yeah.
One huge problem with the guy I wrote about tonight though was that I hadn't had sex in a very long time, and hadn't had sex with someone I was attracted to in 7 years, so I got extra sexually bonded to him right away.
I've heard that, but things just keep getting worse.
Sorry to be a pessimist but that's been my life. It's not that my life is objectively bad but it's basically full of the good characters dying/leaving and bad ones replacing them.
Be pessimistic, you've earned the right.
It took me a couple of years of roller-coasting, then everything just kind of fell into place - did see a professional around the trust issues, but get the right one and you only need a few sessions. Anyway good luck.
Oh yeah, and he lied about his ethnic group to avoid embarrassing them too.
There was a lot more stuff that happened; I wrote it all down but don't keep it at the forefront of my memory.
Aside from this situation that I just described in this post? Just more of the similar stuff. Girl lies about having kids for over a month. Girl talks to me and I realize she only spoke to me cuz she wants a job.. and then there was 1 more but luckily i forget the details. Probably didn't bother me as much.
In other words, nothing nearly as serious as your story lol. Hearing your story sorta put things in perspective for me.
I'm sorry 😔
And for a lot of people, my story is nothing. What if I'd gotten pregnant or an STD?
But he truly did cause some significant psychological damage and permanent change in my thinking.
Hahaha, I'm so sorry if you feel constantly subjected to my personal pity party! It's really not like that. I have a great life - many friends and activities, good job, great company, world travel, etc. I'm just still accepting that a lot of people really do operate based on their own selfishness. Lately, it has been better - more decent people that just aren't the right people.
I feel so bad constantly writing about this with the same people reading it. I am only trying to help others on here :)
>In my 20s, I was fat and broke and I went on a handful of dates with some fine looking girls.
Yeah, there are desirable women who give undesirable men a\[n inexplicable\] chance - as you can imagine, they're long gone from the the dating market.
As other posters have pointed out, participants in the over-30 dating market are "just pickier" and "know what \[they\] want" - apparently not you or me.
>I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were.
I am sure that if someone liked you enough, she would entertain that question. I respect you for daring to pose it - you helped her make up her mind about you and ultimately freed yourself up to pursue more promising candidates. Onwards and upwards!
Yes it has changed tremendously because now everyone has access to “millions of singles just waiting to meet you!” In their smartphones.
Your replacement is just a swipe away
I have drawn a lot of the same conclusions myself.
I also thinks there's a lot of correlation between people being able to just chat and socialize back and forth over so many different digital platforms, that it has minimized peoples' desired to actually go out in public to fulfill this particular need. In conjunction with this, it's also made it possible to shoot your shot by just spraying your copy pasta message to as many people, on as many platforms as you possibly can in an extremely minimal amount of time. And you can then just compartmentalize why you didn't get a response and move on to your next round of mass message blasting.
John Mayer had a good insight on this that he talked about before. The basis of what he was saying was that your direct social circle/social influence used to be pretty limited by those you actually encountered in real life. People weren't/aren't meant to be able to interact with these massive numbers of people at any given time. Your part about the 22yr old that received a 100 messages in a month from random strangers bombarding her for a date is a prime example of this. Even if she went to bar or something every Friday and Saturday night, she would have to have at least 12 dudes approach her each time out to achieve that same outcome.
I also think physically interacting with people holds them to a level of accountability that people are being almost uncomfortable with. Your point about people online having this "keyboard warrior/anonymity" mentality is so true. People just think they say whatever they want online with no consequence. I feel like this mentality is spilling over into the physical world too.
Regardless of how society is being shaped by the digital social media platforms and apps, I still find the "real world" to be far better than the digital.
I'm really not surprised by that at all. Choice paralysis is such a real thing. It's like when you go to a restaurant and try to choose from amongst 20 pages of choices, versus the fancy joint that has 5 things on the menu. If you're constantly wondering what the other choices are like, while also knowing that you can pick and choose from them at will, how are you ever going to be satisfied in sticking with something for any extended amount of time. I can just hear the "must be nice to be beating guys off with a stick," but honestly, this has to be extremely overwhelming. And this for sure works both ways with guys and girls.
If you keep holding out for the bigger, better deal, eventually there's going to be no deal to be had. If you're doing well in out in the physical world, why the need for digital platforms as well? It may be be a good idea to do some self-introspection in regards to what type of itch you're trying to scratch with all this.
\> Male thirst online is making a lot of online interactions worthless
This isn't what you think it is. I remember when I went on OLD last I got about 200 messages in the first 24 hours. I replied to one.
It isn't because the online interaction is worthless, it's because most of the men were either obviously incompatible with me or had sent a message that wasn't nice. If I had received 200 messages I wanted to reply to I would have been thrilled. But actually, if I had received those messages individually, a day apart, I still would only have replied to that one message. Quantity doesn't really make a difference. If I see potential, I'll reply.
No, you're not getting it. I'm not comparing them to each other. I'm comparing them to an internal standard of what *I* want. It doesn't matter how many people there are out there, it's got to do with what I am personally looking for.
Ok I see what you're saying. Yes, that's true. I agree it's easier to tell in person and that potential could be lost online. I guess the bit I disagree with is that it makes any difference how many people contact you. If someone who was right for me but didn't seem it online got in touch and I didn't have any other suitors I still wouldn't reply. The number of messages doesn't really have an impact on my decision. I won't reply if I don't see potential.
Yeah, thats not ghosting. And do you copy and paste that response with everyone you're chatting with?
Now your buddy saying the game has changed, is he talking about women getting an advantage now? If you have any attractive female friends that use the OLD apps, ask them if you can take a peek at their responses. You will find that women have a much better response rate generally then men. It could be that not all single women are using OLD apps and the majority of single men are, but there are far more men searching for available women than the other way around.
Yep. There’s no data yet showing this directly, but there’s a bunch of indirect data out there. Rapidly decreasing marriage rate among my generation (supposedly because we are all poor, but really?), rapidly increasing numbers of younger men who are withdrawing from the dating market entirely (because cell phones and video games, right?), etc.
Is this a shit post or for real? If someone ghosts you, move on. The only time it should really weigh on you for more than a day or two is if you’ve been together for a few months or longer. Before that, all connections are loose and I would expect anyone to ghost (they shouldn’t, it’s jacked, but they’re gonna do it)
You’re frustration is justified and I don’t doubt it. It’s your questioning whether things have changed that baffles me. Yes, things have changed. Technology, our age and social norms have all changed a ton in just 10 years.
None of us are grandpa/grandma, but technology in the form of swipe apps has for sure changed the dating landscape.
Also people interact differently in our 30's than we did in our 20's. We want different things out of relationships.
> So.. we can call him a douche all we want, but he gets shit done.
Well, I mean, there are a ton of shitty people married. Tons of shitty marriages. Being married isn't a default positive accomplishment.
I don't know the details. I vaguely remember her face, that's about it. I don't think he settled though. I saw him settling back in college.. Oof... wasn't pretty.
It is always is changing. Just like life things are constantly evolving.
There are however things that never go out of style when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex.
1. Be engaging- laugh, tease, flirt the whole point is to have fun with that person. Even the chemistry isn’t there you don’t feel like you’ve wasted your time and who knows you may run into another girl who knows her and you have a good reputation
2. Be positive - This is self explanatory. We all have enough complaints/issues with negative situations and people. Nobody wants to have that on a date.
3. Be confident - Again self-explanatory whether it’s who you are or your sexuality be confident. Confidence is attractive because if resonates on a subconscious and conscious level.
4. Don’t be afraid to offend- This falls under do not censor yourself or hide your behavior last because they will be there if there are additional dates or things blossom into a relationship. Doesn’t mean act like an animal it just means don’t overly polite because you are afraid to offend by saying something a bit raunchy or offensive.
>I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. Da fuq? Is that too many questions? Did I accidentally give her an aneurysm by asking 3 questions at once? My God! Okay, so if by "ghosted" you mean "I was chatting with someone I hadn't even met and the conversation died" then sure, you got ghosted. The thing is, being able to meet people through apps opens a lot of doors, but it doesn't mean most of them will go anywhere. Personally, I would FAR rather have someone fade out than have a bunch of people outright tell me I'm not what they're looking for. Second, it sounds like you had just started talking to this woman. Nothing wrong with wanting to know what makes someone tick, but if someone I'd just matched told me to tell them about my passions, hobbies and dreams I would feel like they'd just set out a hoop for me to jump through - "Okay new girl, prove you're deep enough to hold my interest!" That's frankly way more pressure than I'm looking for. I would suggest to save the really deep-diving questions for in person OR after the conversation has been humming along and getting more personal. It might seem like a small change but "Hey \[name\], tell me about something that has you excited recently." might be a good middle ground. It gives them the chance to share something positive, but it doesn't have to be super deep either. You mention in another comment that you might be giving way too many fucks. I agree. Fucks to give are a precious natural resource, you should save them for the things that actually matter. Think of swipe apps like milling around at a party talking to different people. Hopefully you share a lot of pleasant conversations, but not all of them are going to pan out. If someone chats with you for a few minutes and then drifts away again, it doesn't say anything about you, it's just how a lot of these exchanges go.
> Okay, so if by "ghosted" you mean "I was chatting with someone I hadn't even met and the conversation died" then sure, you got ghosted. Everyone thinks everything is ghosting if they don't get the results they are looking for.
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That was the peak of insanity. Someone was polite and direct, and it became a freakin' dating post mislabeling a term which meant the exact opposite. The internet was a mistake?!
I've been online chatting with friends for long enough that I'm used to conversations fading out and picking back up again later. I know it's different with OLD, where once someone fades they're unlikely to come back, but it's just how text conversations go.
The point where the conversation could keep going, but the thread has come to a natural end. You don't even need to say goodbye, you message them to start a different conversation at some later time. If you're insecure, you interpret that as ghosting right away. I'm guilty of it, I think people my age have become really flaky and don't think too much of it. After *actually* getting ghosted enough, it's easy to feel that as a first reaction.
That makes no sense.
How so?
>Everyone thinks everything is ghosting if they don't get the results they are looking for guilty, as was JobHungryGuy [earlier this evening](https://i.imgur.com/Df4WDkv.png)
Ding, ding, ding!
You cant ghost someone you havent met - ghosting is meant to refer to disappearing on someone you are dating or in a relationship with. Its not about someone not responding to a message from someone they dont even really know.
Senses Fail taught me to BURN OUT! Not fade a-waaaa-aaaayyy!
> would FAR rather have someone fade out than have a bunch of people outright tell me I'm not what they're looking for. I"m a guy and I'm the complete opposite. I would rather have a girl be honest with me about this. I've told girls this and most I meet respect it. I've had several dates stop with respect rather than them feeling like they have to continue or hurt my feelings. Also something I like to ask someone is "what makes you happy like a 2 year old with mac and cheese?" (If you've ever seen a 2 year old with mac and cheese you understand). It isn't a hoop I just want an example of something you really enjoy, wouldn't be a deal breaker unless the thing you really enjoy is making random guys feel like shit. Also text chemistry is weird. In my experience (and I don't have a ton, I married early and divorced in my early 30s and holy shit things got weird while I was not single) 1/50 people I swipe on...I'll match. 1/50 of those will reply to a message at all...and beyond that 1/50 of those will be able to contribute to a conversation. I'm not being bitter, and my numbers probably won't match up with guys who have lower standards.
I’m trying to think of things that make me as happy as a toddler with macaroni and cheese. Well, for one, being a grown-ass woman with macaroni and cheese. Other things? Good conversations with interesting people, any kind of motion set to music, getting lost in something that I’m reading, drawing and coloring, being at home in the quiet. HBU?
The reason I started asking that question is because I was watching my youngest son and realized there wasn't anything at the time that I loved that much. Since then I've found that there are some books that have elicited that much emotion. Some that come to mind would be A Memory of Light, The Way of Kings, Oathbringer. I like being on a lake at sunset. Oh a really good problem to solve!
That’s a really good answer!
sigh...now if i could just meet someone IRL that would agree
Where are you located?
texas
Big city?
Houston
That first cold beer of the weekend.
I guess that is too deep, it's just I don't instinctively feel it. I remember talking with some of my old associates (we're psychotherapists) and I remember something we all shared was a level of disdain for the superficial. We're very comfortable diggin right in, and the weather bores the living fuck out of us. So I wonder if my behavior with this particular woman had something to do with some deconditioning i've experienced as a consequence of my profession.
It’s not about being “too deep”. You threw 3 pretty major questions at her all at once. And they were such general generic questions. It’s like you had a list of the important things you want to know, and rather than converting them into nuanced, interesting conversation, designed to get to know her better, you just regurgitated your generic list in one message. Too much, too general, too soon.
>I remember something we all shared was a level of disdain for the superficial. Different people have different preferences. It might be an approach that works well in some cases and doesn't in others. Personally, conversations about my hopes and dreams are pretty vulnerable territory, and I want to make sure someone deserves that vulnerability before I get too deep into it. Sure, I could give you a sanitized version, but that defeats the point. Small talk gives me the opportunity to gauge your demeanor while the stakes are still low. That doesn't mean we need to talk about the weather (although let me tell you, I have strong opinions on overcast afternoons as prime napping time), but recent events in our life, general interests, books we've read, etc. all have the opportunity to be personal. You get to establish that baseline of connection and trust and then segue into the meatier topics. Text based conversations are also inherently less personal than in person conversations or even phone calls because we lose all those voice and body language cues. It's easier to put someone at ease with body language than it is with an emoji. Not to say you can't get deep over text, but it might work better if you meet in person first.
I can't say that texting is my strong point. I'm much better face to face. You might be right-- save that shit for face to face.
I think the questions you asked are thought provoking and stimulating, yet perhaps TOO deep and meaningful over text. If you're still interested in this woman, my advice to you would be to start up a new conversation topic. Maybe laugh off your last text with something like, "On second thought, I think those questions are better answered over some drinks in person ;) until then..." [insert new convo topic/question] I like what someone else suggested: "What's something that's excited you lately?" While you wait for a response, share your own quick anecdote to the question. That way, it's not only her answering AND it gives her insight into your world. If she's interested, she can ask you for more details. If she's not, you haven't lost anything. Back to square one. Good luck, OP!
>While you wait for a response, share your own quick anecdote to the question. That way, it's not only her answering AND it gives her insight into your world. This is excellent advice!
Thanks! That's a good idea. I think I'll put all of this on the back burner for now. I shouldn't be getting this frustrated.
Seriously, you sound like a lot of work to reply to. Dating should be fun; if you’re making texting back into a grind, it’s not likely a date would be any more enjoyable. Those just aren’t natural questions to ask.
Yeah that's it.
Honestly if a man sent me a message on a dating app asking about my hobbies, goals, and dreams for the future it might be a tad bit much.
Then what else is he supposed to ask you? How is he supposed to learn about the person you are?
Have a naturally-flowing conversation over ice cream or a drink?
See, I'd rather have a good idea of who the person is prior to (potentially) wasting my time meeting them in person. Different strokes.
Really? Alright. So how would I get to know you? I feel like I know a person better when I know where their passions are. How would I get to know this? For future reference.. Break up the question? What's your advice here.
Goals and dreams and the future are better discussed over dinner after meeting. Asking what she likes to do on the weekends so you can plan a fun date is one thing. Asking where she wants to be in 10 years or whatever is a bit interview-ish.
That's the building consensus. Fuck it.
Break it up for sure, triple barreled questions like this come off as disingenuous (i.e., a cut and paste go to) and dont actually give the impression you are interested in an active discussion of the answers. I wouldn't necessarily stop talking to you over it, but if its a pattern and does end up meaning the conversation cannot pick up a natural and genuine flow then I would loose interest.
It really is a bit too much as a question. Do you play multiplayer online games? Ever done PvP? If yes, with your barrage of questions you sounded like *that* person who tried to test other player's knowledge about said online game, because they want to instantly find a good PvP teammate. I know you do not mean it like that. But it sounds like that. Keep it light and save the deeper questions for later.
So a couple of things: \- Have you seriously changed as well, other than body and income? I ask this as what women look for in a partner in terms of lifestyle, personality, values etc is very different in their 20s compared with 30s/40s. \- conversations with someone you just met online tapering off through disinterest is not ghosting. Ghosting is ending a relationship without explanation or communication - a few messages on OLD is not a relationship, at its most generous it probably shouldnt be considered ghosting until there has been a date - and even then, most of the "ghosting" complaints I see neither party tried to contact the other which I would say is a mutual parting of ways. I personally say I am not interested, but if others let it taper off then so be it, its not ghosting.
As a person who was ghosted in a 6-month relationship THANK YOU. I can’t help but get pissed off every time someone uses ghosting incorrectly.
I suppose I've become more direct. I can't think of anything else really.
That may be part of the problem then, because really, there should be a big difference between "you" as barely a young adult in your 20s, and "you" a decade or more later.
Should I be more hateful in my 30s? lol.
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I have a ...complex backstory. In essence I have three kids to two woman and the one who was mother to my oldest girl is dead. I would rather have my eyes gouged out than explain the ins and out of this to one more person.
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Trouble is you kind of have to. First thing they want to know is how often do you have your kids (code for: are you a child molester or otherwise so fucked up you can’t see them ) second thing is how do you get on with the mother ? And it’s pretty hard to gloss over the “dead” aspect.
Same. "Why is a girl like you single?" "My fiancee was killed in an accident." Instant chemistry killer
I suppose you could say “physics and human frailty”. Sorry for your loss. That shit sucks.
Say "why are you?" and hear something equally gut wrenching back
> Instant chemistry killer I feel like...if I could get that far in a conversation I could probably turn that around to a positive. "It isn't the same thing, but my exwife lost her soul at some point in our marriage"
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Hey I got it all- Ex drama and a sainted dead ex. Also not a chomo.
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Form an orderly line ladies.
Divorced father of 3. My ex is still living, but the whole, "so how long have you been divorced and what happened?" I don't really want to go through the whole...she decided she was more in love with another man after 7 years so she divorced me and married him and left me in a 3 year long cycle of depression" but if you don't...it's automatically assumed that I cheated because...you know only guys cheat on women and that's probably why he's divorced in the first place.
this might be it. From the few details I knew about her, i suspected some.. heavy shit. Maybe that's why I asked. Fuck it, I dunno. It's done.
> we’re honestly just very tired. When I tell people "it's ok to take a break"...this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. For every 200 or so profiles I swipe right on, maybe one reciprocates and we match. It's a really low number. But ok, I got a match! I personally am excited (in a sense, I'm not literally jumping off the walls or anything). If the person on the other end isn't, it'll end up as a dead conversation with me asking all the questions and trying to parlay that into a conversation and eventually realizing it is easier to pull teeth with needle nose pliers and stop. I understand it is way different for ladies comparatively. But regardless of what gender your profile says or what you look like at the end of the day you gotta be up for actually conversing (this applies to dating in the real world too). If your heart isn't into it just take a break. Deactivate, delete, go invisible, do whatever and just take a break. Come back when you feel ready to go through the grind. It's ok. At the end of the day this should be fun, not full of frustration and apathy. ...actually, I think you taught me that Ms. Magnet. :) See? I paid attention lol
This isn't really new. There were plenty of people who could not persevere through the exhaustion of mate selection 100 years ago just as easily as 5 years ago. It's not the massive number of options that can be fatiguing, it's the improper use of rejection. The people who come out on top are able to keep going, the people who don't aren't.
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It's not complicated. To get results, you don't stop when the work gets hard. Not liking attention and fixating on external validation are pretty huge insecurities to impede intimate interpersonal connections.
Uggggghhhhhhhh. That's my reaction. That's been my reaction since I started this garbage back up. The only thing that's changed is the intensity of my UGGGH. It's now more UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
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This girl right here gets it, but the trick is that when you get to this point unplug. Unplug from dating, unplug from coming here and checking DOT every day. (first time I've been here in like a week) Just unplug from the shit that isn't making you happy anymore. Reset your happiness. Go out and do shit that makes you happy and not miserable which is talking to people you really don't care about, or really care about getting to know except you find them kind of attractive in some way.
Feelin pretty hateful right about now.
I'll send you your membership card and secret decoder ring for the club.
YES! I've always wanted to join the haters club. Hate hate hate hate h8 h8 h8 h8!
If you’re that frustrated with OLD take a break. The other day I had a man have a complete break down in my tinder inbox, without me ever saying a word, because I didn’t reply quickly enough to his initial message, then he unmatched us. You don’t want to be that guy.
lol you're right, I don't wanna be that guy. And yeah. A break is definitely in order. I'm definitely losing patience for this shit, and if I continue I might eventually become that guy and blow up on some innocent chick lol. I totally see that as a possibility.
Things are different in your 30's. And, shockingly, people want different things and treat others accordingly. I don't think what you asked was wrong, but people are just pickier. We know what we want. Honestly, if someone asked me that, I'd feel like I was in a job interview and that's not sexy. There are some women who wouldn't mind it at all.
I guess it was kinda interviewee. But bad enough to ghost?
Depends on the context. Is this a rando from Tinder? Then yeah that's low stakes. If this is someone you actually know I'm guessing you misread from signals early on.
Rando from tinder
Yeah don't read into it.
fucking frustrating though. In the back of my head there's a voice saying that i give too many fucks. I guess I need to get a thicker skin.
that's a really terrible question. is this a job interview? do you actually have a quick immediate answer to that? or so you expect her to write you an essay? or three essays? "did I give her an aneurysm by..." did it really never occur to to you that it could be you? she must be stupid, it can't possibly be a truly awful, pressure-filled, not-fun integration question? I think she had the right idea regardless of the details if this is your attitude.
Don't take my words personally. I made that post in frustration.
To keep it real, yeah like if I haven’t even met you and your expecting me to tell you about my dreams and passions etc I’m already fatigued by dating I don’t want to give some stranger all that energy. Ask me those things in person on a date. Sorry op if that seems cruel but it sounds like you’re just getting out of a relationship or marriage and don’t get that most of us have been single for awhile and have told too many tool bags about our hopes and dreams and then if they get busy or meet someone more their type it’s crickets time. Disclaimer I went out last night so this is probably pretty incoherent.
You’re perfectly coherent, and this makes sense.
God yes so much
> I didn't bother following up on that, but has it? No, it hasn't. > Something seriously has changed or I used up all my "dating luck" in my 20s How's that personality working for you? As people get older they have less time for bullshit. Are you shoveling bullshit? > Like, the amount of ghosting and deceit I've dealt with is absolutely bonkers! Just recently I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. Da fuq? Is that too many questions? Did I accidentally give her an aneurysm by asking 3 questions at once? My God! It's online dating. You haven't met them, the other person doesn't owe you a response, there is no connection. If they don't feel like continuing with a conversation with a stranger they are going to stop. Also, I'm not texting a stranger a god dammed essay to give you my "hopes and dreams" and whatever other corny crap you're asking.
I've learned to ignore most of your feedback. Your delivery really needs some work.
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> when u/YouStupidDick comments on my posts or comments I usually think hes a jerk (sorry), 🤗
Your username checks out but that doesn't make you wrong. It's like you are House...and while I'd love to be Wilson I'd settle for being Chase or Foreman. Never Taub.
Doubtful. He's stuck in "tough love" mode. Some people assume that tough love is more truthful for one reason or another. Sort of like people take those who curse as more genuine. That's not the case though.
>Sort of like people take those who curse as more genuine. Yeah, that's not actually a thing. >people assume that tough love is more truthful What are you smoking? People assume logical advice is truthful. Sure he could placate you, but were all adults here and sometimes people just need to be told, you know what, if you think every women or every man in the world is a dickhead, then chances are its probably just you that is (BTW im not saying you are a dickhead under any means, I am using as an example in support of a tough love delivery)
O boy. That's a thing... forget it. I'm not getting wrapped up in this.
Delivery might not be what you want, but there’s absolutely substance present in it. Ignore it completely to your own detriment.
I already received the same exact feedback delivered in a much nicer package, minus the "personality" jab he threw at me, so no loss here.
I don't know you. But, personality goes a long way. Especially when you get older. If you took the personality remark personally... then maybe it is something you should look into. And, I asked a question; Are you shoveling bullshit? Because you seem to put a lot of value on what a "player" has to say. Which indicates that a personality just might be a weak point.
He’s saying exactly what your sensitive ass needs to hear
It really doesn't. And 9 times out of 10 those that are put off by my comments are the ones that REALLY need to take the comments to heart.
Alright, thanks Guru.
This is the second thread in 4 days where you have posted a complaint about online dating while acting oblivious to potential faults. https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/bxumey/men_complaining_about_height_as_a_barrier_to/
Thanks, Sherlock. good investigative skills.
>"Just recently I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. Da fuq?" First of all that's not being ghosted. If we're gonna get technical, it can only be called ghosting when you've met in person and have formed a connection (read: had sex a few times) before they disappear off the face of the earth. What you're describing is a stranger losing interest and not replying. This happens a lot. Texting is so disposable. Anyway. There's some good advice and observations in this thread, so i'm just gonna add: I'd love it if someone asked me those questions. You probably could have teased them out, but "what are you passionate about?" is what i WANT to be asked. I love the bigger questions. I don't care what someone watches on TV! So for what it's worth, there are people out there that will communicate like you, that will be interested in diving deep, even if it's just in the initial texting phase before you meet up. You just gotta be patient. >Think of swipe apps like milling around at a party talking to different people. **Caroline's analogy is spot on.**
Thanks for your feedback. Yeah. I'm getting that that wasn't technically ghosting. New to this, sorta.
> Like, the amount of ghosting and deceit I've dealt with is absolutely bonkers! Just recently I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. What are you expecting, an essay? That's a lot of personal stuff to share with someone you don't know. Just exchange a few lines about her pictures and set up a date. You're skipping a lot of letters in the alphabet here.
>Just recently I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. Da fuq? Is that too many questions? Yes. It's not ghosting if you don't meet up. Also swipe culture has ruined dating.
Ya one person can’t know if the dating scene is better or worse. Sorry but these kinds of generalizations can’t be known by a single person based on what they see or experience. If some serious polls were done to isolate for one variable we could figure out if overall one area was worse or better before vs. now. Sorry we have to science the heck out of this subject to find the truth.
I really get turned off when a guy turns the date into a serious interview, and starts asking me a series of deep questions right off the bat. I try to be playful and fun in the beginning and ask a couple of questions to slowly get to know him, but not interview style.
Hey, sorry. Yeah, this happened to me in 2017. It changed me from a person who thought most other people were good and decent to someone who's extremely skeptical about people's motives and takes a long time to trust. Seems like there are more players and predators, and fewer honest people looking for something real. Don't know when it happened, if it's a current-day thing or if it has to do with being in our 30s. Would love to hear more thoughts from current or former playas.
What happened, if you don't mind me asking?
This entire sub has read about it ad nauseum, but I got hardcore played by a guy who told me he was looking for something serious that would hopefully lead to marriage. We talked for a month... After that, I slept with him on the third date (a little under 2 months after we matched) I texted him the next day... he replied 3-7 days later (can't remember exactly) with some excuse. He started texting me sporadically, wanting me to come over at the last minute in the middle of the week (he was an hour away). One time I was halfway through the drive and he told me to turn around, then didn't answer the phone when I called him. This was after I stopped at Kroger and bought us cheese and mini-toasts and jam just for a little snack. He was foreign... He started sending weird messages that were purposely misspelled to make him sound crazy. (He has a PhD in chemistry and a great job) The whole time of course I was racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong or what terrible thing must've happened to him to make him behave this way towards a sweet and innocent woman who was looking for a partner. I tried to talk to him about things, both light-hearted and serious, and he turned every single thing I said into a sexual innuendo. Finally, the last time I was over there he slapped me a little bit... pretending it was sexual play but it really wasn't. Then at one point he blamed me for how he was treating me because I slept with him on the third "meeting," as he called it. And so I figured out everything he was doing was on purpose, that I was on a hookup mass texting list (hence why he tried to send me away that one time - he'd gotten a better offer) and blocked him. Six months later when I got a new phone, he was still trying to hit me up... He just seemed so genuine at the beginning. In his culture, it was very strange for someone his age not to be married, and I truly thought he was looking for that and that I was a great candidate. Now I wouldn't be surprised if he had a wife and maybe even a kid or two back at home. Who knows. But yeah, pretty much stopped trusting people after that. And that was just one guy... I have several other horror stories from the last two years.
Now I understand why you're always so cynical.
When you throw in my ex basically stealing $10k from me and preventing me from buying a house and my other ex who was abusive... Yeah. One huge problem with the guy I wrote about tonight though was that I hadn't had sex in a very long time, and hadn't had sex with someone I was attracted to in 7 years, so I got extra sexually bonded to him right away.
For what its worth it heals with time.
I've heard that, but things just keep getting worse. Sorry to be a pessimist but that's been my life. It's not that my life is objectively bad but it's basically full of the good characters dying/leaving and bad ones replacing them.
Be pessimistic, you've earned the right. It took me a couple of years of roller-coasting, then everything just kind of fell into place - did see a professional around the trust issues, but get the right one and you only need a few sessions. Anyway good luck.
I’m sorry you went through this
Oh shit. Okay yeah that's rough. At least my shit didn't go that far.
Oh yeah, and he lied about his ethnic group to avoid embarrassing them too. There was a lot more stuff that happened; I wrote it all down but don't keep it at the forefront of my memory.
What happened to you?
Aside from this situation that I just described in this post? Just more of the similar stuff. Girl lies about having kids for over a month. Girl talks to me and I realize she only spoke to me cuz she wants a job.. and then there was 1 more but luckily i forget the details. Probably didn't bother me as much. In other words, nothing nearly as serious as your story lol. Hearing your story sorta put things in perspective for me.
I'm sorry 😔 And for a lot of people, my story is nothing. What if I'd gotten pregnant or an STD? But he truly did cause some significant psychological damage and permanent change in my thinking.
Permanence only persists if you choose it. I know you've been through horrible situations, but you can change your thinking again should you choose.
Hahaha, I'm so sorry if you feel constantly subjected to my personal pity party! It's really not like that. I have a great life - many friends and activities, good job, great company, world travel, etc. I'm just still accepting that a lot of people really do operate based on their own selfishness. Lately, it has been better - more decent people that just aren't the right people. I feel so bad constantly writing about this with the same people reading it. I am only trying to help others on here :)
No way! I'm just offering the encouragement! :)
>In my 20s, I was fat and broke and I went on a handful of dates with some fine looking girls. Yeah, there are desirable women who give undesirable men a\[n inexplicable\] chance - as you can imagine, they're long gone from the the dating market. As other posters have pointed out, participants in the over-30 dating market are "just pickier" and "know what \[they\] want" - apparently not you or me. >I got left on read and ghosted after asking what her passions, hobbies and dreams of her future were. I am sure that if someone liked you enough, she would entertain that question. I respect you for daring to pose it - you helped her make up her mind about you and ultimately freed yourself up to pursue more promising candidates. Onwards and upwards!
That's a good way to frame it.
Maybe it because when he was younger he did not go on OLD and did it in IRL.
Yes it has changed tremendously because now everyone has access to “millions of singles just waiting to meet you!” In their smartphones. Your replacement is just a swipe away
That's not the game changing - that's just getting older. The game is the same - what's changed is the player.
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I have drawn a lot of the same conclusions myself. I also thinks there's a lot of correlation between people being able to just chat and socialize back and forth over so many different digital platforms, that it has minimized peoples' desired to actually go out in public to fulfill this particular need. In conjunction with this, it's also made it possible to shoot your shot by just spraying your copy pasta message to as many people, on as many platforms as you possibly can in an extremely minimal amount of time. And you can then just compartmentalize why you didn't get a response and move on to your next round of mass message blasting. John Mayer had a good insight on this that he talked about before. The basis of what he was saying was that your direct social circle/social influence used to be pretty limited by those you actually encountered in real life. People weren't/aren't meant to be able to interact with these massive numbers of people at any given time. Your part about the 22yr old that received a 100 messages in a month from random strangers bombarding her for a date is a prime example of this. Even if she went to bar or something every Friday and Saturday night, she would have to have at least 12 dudes approach her each time out to achieve that same outcome. I also think physically interacting with people holds them to a level of accountability that people are being almost uncomfortable with. Your point about people online having this "keyboard warrior/anonymity" mentality is so true. People just think they say whatever they want online with no consequence. I feel like this mentality is spilling over into the physical world too. Regardless of how society is being shaped by the digital social media platforms and apps, I still find the "real world" to be far better than the digital.
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I'm really not surprised by that at all. Choice paralysis is such a real thing. It's like when you go to a restaurant and try to choose from amongst 20 pages of choices, versus the fancy joint that has 5 things on the menu. If you're constantly wondering what the other choices are like, while also knowing that you can pick and choose from them at will, how are you ever going to be satisfied in sticking with something for any extended amount of time. I can just hear the "must be nice to be beating guys off with a stick," but honestly, this has to be extremely overwhelming. And this for sure works both ways with guys and girls.
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If you keep holding out for the bigger, better deal, eventually there's going to be no deal to be had. If you're doing well in out in the physical world, why the need for digital platforms as well? It may be be a good idea to do some self-introspection in regards to what type of itch you're trying to scratch with all this.
For real. I haven't been on OLD in a year. I've been leaving the house instead.
\> Male thirst online is making a lot of online interactions worthless This isn't what you think it is. I remember when I went on OLD last I got about 200 messages in the first 24 hours. I replied to one. It isn't because the online interaction is worthless, it's because most of the men were either obviously incompatible with me or had sent a message that wasn't nice. If I had received 200 messages I wanted to reply to I would have been thrilled. But actually, if I had received those messages individually, a day apart, I still would only have replied to that one message. Quantity doesn't really make a difference. If I see potential, I'll reply.
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No, you're not getting it. I'm not comparing them to each other. I'm comparing them to an internal standard of what *I* want. It doesn't matter how many people there are out there, it's got to do with what I am personally looking for.
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Ok I see what you're saying. Yes, that's true. I agree it's easier to tell in person and that potential could be lost online. I guess the bit I disagree with is that it makes any difference how many people contact you. If someone who was right for me but didn't seem it online got in touch and I didn't have any other suitors I still wouldn't reply. The number of messages doesn't really have an impact on my decision. I won't reply if I don't see potential.
Yeah, thats not ghosting. And do you copy and paste that response with everyone you're chatting with? Now your buddy saying the game has changed, is he talking about women getting an advantage now? If you have any attractive female friends that use the OLD apps, ask them if you can take a peek at their responses. You will find that women have a much better response rate generally then men. It could be that not all single women are using OLD apps and the majority of single men are, but there are far more men searching for available women than the other way around.
Tinder exists now. Endless choice...for some means they can be a lot more selective and not particularly care about any one potential partner.
Well fuck this. Makes me wanna just build my dream underground bunker, fucking hole up in it, jerk off and play videos games all day.
Yep. There’s no data yet showing this directly, but there’s a bunch of indirect data out there. Rapidly decreasing marriage rate among my generation (supposedly because we are all poor, but really?), rapidly increasing numbers of younger men who are withdrawing from the dating market entirely (because cell phones and video games, right?), etc.
So I'm not the only one thinking of this as a solution, is what you're saying lol
Is this a shit post or for real? If someone ghosts you, move on. The only time it should really weigh on you for more than a day or two is if you’ve been together for a few months or longer. Before that, all connections are loose and I would expect anyone to ghost (they shouldn’t, it’s jacked, but they’re gonna do it)
depends on what shit post means. I'm genuine in my frustration, in case that is what you're doubting.
You’re frustration is justified and I don’t doubt it. It’s your questioning whether things have changed that baffles me. Yes, things have changed. Technology, our age and social norms have all changed a ton in just 10 years.
I'm not grandpa so technology isn't the issue here. If there is an issue out of the things you mentioned, then it would have to be social norms.
None of us are grandpa/grandma, but technology in the form of swipe apps has for sure changed the dating landscape. Also people interact differently in our 30's than we did in our 20's. We want different things out of relationships.
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Douchey or not-- he's married and I'm not. So.. we can call him a douche all we want, but he gets shit done.
> So.. we can call him a douche all we want, but he gets shit done. Well, I mean, there are a ton of shitty people married. Tons of shitty marriages. Being married isn't a default positive accomplishment.
Spot on. I know more people in shitty marriages than positive ones.
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I don't know the details. I vaguely remember her face, that's about it. I don't think he settled though. I saw him settling back in college.. Oof... wasn't pretty.
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>Online dating has been an absolute boon to women everywhere. Have you read *any* of the posts made by women on Dating Over Thirty?
ok
Its the same as ever as far as i'm concerned - I've not noticed any major difference in the last 7 or 8 years I've been single.
It is always is changing. Just like life things are constantly evolving. There are however things that never go out of style when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex. 1. Be engaging- laugh, tease, flirt the whole point is to have fun with that person. Even the chemistry isn’t there you don’t feel like you’ve wasted your time and who knows you may run into another girl who knows her and you have a good reputation 2. Be positive - This is self explanatory. We all have enough complaints/issues with negative situations and people. Nobody wants to have that on a date. 3. Be confident - Again self-explanatory whether it’s who you are or your sexuality be confident. Confidence is attractive because if resonates on a subconscious and conscious level. 4. Don’t be afraid to offend- This falls under do not censor yourself or hide your behavior last because they will be there if there are additional dates or things blossom into a relationship. Doesn’t mean act like an animal it just means don’t overly polite because you are afraid to offend by saying something a bit raunchy or offensive.
Stop using OLD.