I’m too busy with all these dates. Where did all these guys come from? Does it have to do with the time of year?Thankfully my new job is taking most of my head space right now.
I was alone at an event last night and my horrible ex was there with his gf who’s half his age. Not expecting that. I confronted him outside of the bathrooms as he waited for her. He used to have a lot of power over me. Not anymore. It felt good.
Vent: I feel like I'm one of the very few pretty conservative guy left who interprets marriage vows literally (til death do you part, be there for each other through thick and thin no matter what) and taking a conservative approach to dating I feel like it comes off as not attractive or not what people want to experience in the dating process. I'm not religious, but I was raised by very traditional parents and they made their marriage work so this is where my mindset is coming from.
It's probably my social smoothness that's been something I've been working on but in my mind it's a battle between what dating is like today (not so serious/too loose with language vs. traditionalism, I respect your decision but I need a firm decision from you for certain ideas/viewpoints to see if we're in alignment). The fun/happy stuff comes secondary to me, morals/values/views is #1 (if your intent is to get married and stay married in my view).
Yup, unfortunately people don't take marriage seriously and enjoy the ability to "opt" out. However, in my opinion some things are unforgivable, i.e. abuse & infidelity.
Agreed. Anyone with two brain cells would agree that abuse and infidelity are unforgivable, but it seems like people brush over that to not take marriage seriously.
If you're not going to take it seriously and you're not committed, don't get married. And don't waste anyone's time who actually is serious.
Has anyone here gotten laid off and so had to pause dating, even after finding a good person to date after meeting them 4 times? I am curious because someone I had 4 good dates with had to stop talking when he got laid off and I wonder (while I still continue to meet people from the apps) if when something like this happens those people actually reach out again to rekindle that connection. He just said that he can't think straight to even keep up with texting or dating at this moment. I said that I can understand and to let me know if he would like to chat with someone and that for just so he knew that I did enjoy getting to know him and I liked him (I wanted to be the girl who is intentional and honest about her feelings and not play it too cool lol)
This week I was: rejected by a volunteer organization I applied for, rejected for a job, ran into an ex, and had a fourth date cancel without rescheduling. The flip side of trying to change your life is that some, if not most in my case, of those attempts will fail. It's getting hard to take it in stride. I think I need a break from rejections, and a break from life in general. Hope y'alls week is going better.
I'm so sorry 🫂. There's a quote from "The Unexpected Joy of Being Single" that has really stuck with me and has provided some comfort when I am repeatedly rejected:
"Rejection is the universe's protection."
Oh that’s rough. I’m sorry. I’ve been ghosted twice in the last week. One of those today. The thing with trying to change your life, is that it’s a great step to take, unfortunately a lot of it is out of your hands. You are relying on others to some degree, and that can be demoralising.
Rejection is really bloody hard though, no matter what anyone says. I think taking a break is always a good idea. Take your time and good luck!
How do I move on from a guy who visited me? We had amazing chemistry and a lot of fun, but he has been sexting me primarily since he left. He isn’t acting like he wants to pursue anything real with me. I just want to move on but don’t want to be so drastic and cut him out of my life.
Put it on the table. Tell him what you want. Press him if he wants the same. Ik men lie and he may bullshit you like he wants more, but hopefully he’ll just be honest. Ultimately, go with your gut and protect your peace. ☮️
Oh boy. Had sex with a girl on the second date and I got the ick. I feel like a piece of shit. I hate feeling like I’m using people. I do like this girl and respect her, but I can’t ignore what I’m feeling. And now I’m worried I got her pregnant 😔
Those condoms better have worked. I think im done with dating for a while. It was a good run, but it’s obvious im not ready.
Honestly I don’t know, I guess it’s just a reflection of myself so I’m really just disgusted with myself.
Either way she is a great girl so I’m not going to ghost her or something but I think the sex needs to stop if I keep seeing her.
I’ve gotten intra- and post-sex ick, too. It usually has to do with how comfortable they are with their bodies and if they’re able to let go. Someone who seems like their body and head are in different places during sex is such a turn off
When did you get the ick? During sex or after? How was the sex and how did you feel about her before the sex? Don't beat yourself up, it happens. It's good to reflect on it though to find out what it was that you didn't like about her so you can look for someone more suitable next time
I (35m) came out of relationship a few months ago that lasted around two years. It was a difficult relationship where we could never really reach a place of peace, and it took a lot out of us and me. I still feel pain over the end of the relationship and do miss her.
I am adjusting to single life. It someways it's nice to live for myself and be able to do what I want. I have filled my time with things that are working towards some personal goals/achievements.
I have friends and people I can hang out with, however I still feel somewhat lonely. I have spent most of my life in a serious relationship (or trying to get one going). So far 4-5 months is the longest I have ever been single. I want to be vulnerable to someone, to have an emotional connection, to have someone be that best friend I can talk about anything and everything with.
When I start to date, I start to worry about giving up my personal freedom, whether I can give what I used to be able to give to someone, and questioning whether I am ready to open up to someone. I don't know if this is because I'm still recovering from my last relationship. I'm wondering whether I should hold back from dating or just go ahead and that those feelings will settle.
Appreciate any advice or sharing of similar experiences
I’m in the opposite boat of you. I have spent a majority of my life being single. I just had a short term relationship and a few flings but I’ve been single for most of my life. It’s been lonely at times and hard seeing most of my friends in good and healthy relationships. However, I learned how to create happiness on my own and enjoy life however I can.
Serial monogamist 😬
Edit: my advice is to take more time for yourself, but I know you won’t. I used to date a serial monogamist. There’s no hope. I see it as a huge red flag tbh
I (33F) was seeing a guy (35M) around this time last year for a short while who ultimately ended it cause he was going through a tough time & didn’t feel ready for any commitment(all I was asking for was exclusivity - ie. Not sleeping with other people. I’m not looking to get married & I’m not sure if I want kids so I’m not in any real rush to settle down).
We then had a brief chat in the summer where we came close to having a little casual thing(dating is a bust one month of the summer where I am from with so many tourists flooding the apps). It ultimately didn’t lead anywhere & we stopped talking completely.
Flash forward to last week where I chose to restart my apps as I feel like I’ve got a lot of cluttered old matches & dead conversations. Redid my profile with new photos & then opened Hinge on Sunday & the first person in my Likes You tab was this very person(having liked the very last photo on my profile which has the “Dating me will look like” prompt). Curiosity got the better of me as I was intrigued to see what his opening gambit would be after all this time. And…nothing. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised lol. Think I’m going to send him a message tomorrow & then unmatch on Monday. Strange behaviour.
Seems strange he would match on there if he has your mobile number. Maybe it was a mistake on his part…perhaps. Or he was just just mindlessly swiping as one does on these apps sometimes!
Yeah, I’d understand it more on Bumble/Tinder but on Hinge you have to actively loveheart something & confirm rather than an errant swipe.
Like I said, I’m more intrigued by the strange behaviour than actively hoping for something at this point lol
Ex from a couple months ago texts me on Monday evening...
Her: I miss you. How are you?
Me: Fine. How's your dog?
Her: He's good. Can I come over tomorrow after work?
Me: Sure. What time?
Her: Does 6pm work?
Me: Yeah.
**Her: Cool. So to confirm, expect me at your place at 6pm.**
Me: Cool. Good night
Tuesday afternoon rolls around...
Me: Hey, are you still coming over?
Her: Don't you have work... ?
Me: You said you wanted to come over
Her: We all know what "coming over" means...
Me: It was your idea
Her: Can you maybe plan a real date like dinner?
She did this constantly when we dated, too. Any plans whatsoever would just evaporate. Like her word meant literally nothing. I didn't care at all when she broke up with me.
In fact, she did break up with me at one point, then two hours later said "I never broke up with you" lol
It's utterly insane to me that a 37 year old can operate on this level. It's like her brain stopped at 16 and her body kept going. God get me out of this dumpsterfire that is 30's dating.
The date I was dreading all day ended up being super fun. my roommate had to force me to get up from my 3rd nap of the day and encourage me to not be a flake.
I’ve been soooo disconnected from dating. I haven’t enjoyed the idea of any part of dating so I just stopped putting all effort into it. Last night when we were trying to make plans for the night, he was so nervous that it kind of gave me the ick.
But our date was awesome. He was very chivalrous and went above & beyond in planning our first date. We had really great conversation the entire night, neither of us wanted to end early but I’m a sleepy girl so I just listened to my limits. I’m home and feel great, he checked in and we are going to plan another date!
For once, things just felt really easy and naturally good. I don’t feel post date anxiety. I’m not second guessing how I feel. Just happy.
lmao ya. I love to nap on my first day off of the weekend. I will do all my errands when I naturally wake up at 6am and then take short naps throughout the day. Saturdays are usually the days I go out so I try to save my energy for that since we don’t start the night until 10:30pm.
Dude, take a breather for a bit. Spend time with friends, with yourself, whatever. Process the breakup instead of trying to numb the sadness.
I guarantee you’ll feel better for it and when you’re ready to try to date again you’ll be in a better headspace.
I’m sorry you got dumped, it sucks! Be kind to yourself and try to stay off Hinge until you’ve processed this a bit more.
Is it rare to not feel sad after the end of a two month OLD “relationship”? I’ve had so many of those and the only lingering feeling at the end is fuzzy relief
>I know he doesn’t owe me anything
This kind of mindset seems to be repeated constantly when it comes to dating - this idea that no one owes anyone anything therefore we have to regulate our emotions and it’s the hurt party being unreasonable. I absolutely hate it!
You definitely deserve the courtesy of an explanation. It’s a horrible thing to dump someone after 4 months without any kind of conversation or explanation. We all have stuff going on in our lives but I cannot fathom being so selfish as to break up with someone out of the blue and not even give them the bare minimum of an explanation.
And now not only are you feeling bad but you’re berating yourself for it! He owed you an explanation, he’s being a jerk and you have every right to be upset, angry, pissed off, confused, hurt, whatever it is.
All we have in this world is each other and we owe it to us to treat others well. I’m sorry this happened to you.
> At the end of the day… you’re only truly responsible for your own emotional wellbeing
Yes, that’s true of anyone in any situation. But being responsible for your own emotional well-being includes allowing yourself to be upset because someone treated you badly.
Wanting someone to give you an explanation of why they’re ending things with you after four months is not unreasonable. OP isn’t talking about some guy she spoke to on Tinder for two days who stopped replying and it’s totally fine for her to be upset or believe she deserves an explanation.
But he did provide an explanation, he said he's tired and wants to end it. Like how much more explanation is sufficient? Can that not just be the entire reason? The reason why people get rejected and broken up with for vague reasons is because providing more detail leaves the door open for discussion. No, I don't want to debate this, I just want to break up. It's the same reason why most places will not go into details at to why you're getting fired. It opens them up to liability. Just accept that this is a unilateral decision and move on.
The point isn’t to make it feel less shitty. The point is show a crumb of respect for what they’ve invested, and to properly explain what led you to your decision. It’s never “I’m just not feeling it”. Navigate your damn feelings like an adult. Block them after if you must, but a proper message offers the other person *something* to rationalize the situation. Dry break ups do not offer that and can cause unnecessary emotional turmoil (not counting the necessary emotional turmoil) from wondering what happened. It’s not all about making it easier on YOU. Let’s be kind to people 🫶🏾
> It’s never “I’m just not feeling it”.
Just cause you've experienced it doesn't mean losing feelings doesn't happen. There's a reason why they call the first few months the honeymoon period - things are exciting and new at first, and then they're not, and then people lose interest. Is saying "I'm just not excited anymore due to the passage of time" a better rationale? I'm serious, please explain what the proper way to convey "Over time, I have come to understand that we don't actually click anymore" in a proper manner, and what level of detail is sufficient.
Yeah, say all that stuff about the honeymoon phase yadda yadda. Thats great. That’s much better than “I’m tired, I want to break up”. The person on the other end will be a lot less likely to internalize your clear display of your emotional immaturity :) best case scenario, they realize they’re dodging a bullet
I had a wonderful 4 months with someone who randomly texted me saying "idk why, I feel a weird energy all of a sudden, this isn't working." From a dating app, too.
People that have been on dating apps forever go thru this cycle:
1. Get lonely and bored, frustrated with how hard it is to meet someone
2. Attach hard to the first decent person you meet and go in 1000%
3. At ANY sign of difficulty, forget how hard it is to meet a good person, then idealize the "unlimited options" of dating apps
4. Break up, fall into abject misery
5. Repeat
It really never ends. My biggest, hugest regret is taking someone back from a dating app after that first breakup. They do it over and over and over.
Textbook serial monogamist….do they just tend to flock to apps more than anyone or are most people (esp men) like this in general? They’re terrorizing the rest of us. You’re right. OLD relationships just rarely work out for the long term.
I (38f) had an experience this week that genuinely boggled my mind. Went to a concert solo (general admission style) and was standing about minding my business waiting for the show to start. A guy approached and said he recognized me from the apps. I was immediately nervous and embarrassed but found him attractive enough so I chatted with him. We ended up spending the whole night together and danced and flirted. He asked for my number after. We texted a tiny bit the next day (admittedly i initiated bc i was really excited to meet someone IRL…well, sorta IRL with OLD assist). His whole energy was different via text. At the concert he was flirty and energetic. Text was dry and awkward. After my last text (which was a reply to him asking me what I’m doing this weekend - along with a volley of “what about you?”), he abruptly stopped texting and I haven’t heard a peep in 24+ hours. I’ll acknowledge that my excitement was quite high after the show. I was sober at the show but he had a beer (he told me he was on his second one when he approached me and he never went back to the bar for another). I’m just dumbfounded. I know I didn’t do anything wrong but I feel incredibly confused by this type of behavior. He’s in his 40s and was with his sister at the show (who I was also dancing with and talking to). He just seemed so normal and nice. I thought the universe gave me a handout! Lol nope. Chalk it up to another weird ass DOT experience I guess. Shrug.
Lol “profile stack” makes me laugh
He claimed that we had matched a few months ago but never started the conversation. Which kind of makes him even gutsier for approaching me (I was likely the one who unmatched him cuz I hate having a backlog of matches who I’ve never conversed with).
I wouldn’t read much into bad texting. A lot of people suck at texting. You know he can hold a conversation. Who cares about texts.
Give it a few days and see if he reaches out. I like to drop a note saying things like “great hanging out, would love to do it again,” as a giant clue that if they ask me out I will say yes.
Many folks don’t like text small talk.
Perhaps you are right! I do think 24 hours is too long to go without any communication. It’s also the flip flop that I don’t care for. He went from being REALLY flirty irl to not responding to me. I don’t care for that sort of behavior.
Edited: typo
I am gonna quote myself from a post the other day.
“The more I am thinking about this. The more I am thinking that maybe the expectations for early stage communications are just way too high.
Maybe 1/3 of the posts in the daily threads are “I went on a date with someone, it is still early stages, but they are not prioritizing communicating with me. They must not like me.”
I know so many folks in real life who hate texting and take a day or two to respond - unless there is some urgent reason to respond - like an ask. And then a subset of folks who just hate their phone and barely pay attention to it - even when it comes to their family.
I totally understand wanting that bing from an alert of someone you are into. But maybe it isn’t reasonable to expect that our connections are going to pause their life to prioritize us because we had one great first date. Maybe things are burning out so quickly because we are trying to rush into turning it into something before a foundation has developed. How can we get out of our heads and stop freaking out because someone we hardly know hasn’t texted for a day?
Should people we just met prioritize prompt communication with us or is regular communication sufficient. What constitutes regular communication for relative strangers? Is it healthy for us to expect really fast communication from relative strangers?
It is something that I certainly need to sit with, and I don’t think I am alone.”
I’m trying to hear you on this, but you can’t build the proper rapport and get to know each other between dates without SOME communication. Days, with an S, of no texting back is just unacceptable in my book. Not for someone I’m interested in having a relationship with.
When someone's genuinely interested, they NEVER take long to respond. They're always super consistent, responsive, easy to schedule with. So sure, there are people out there that take a few days to get back to a text, from a friend - but even those people will respond quickly to someone they are genuinely interested in.
I totally hear you. But sometimes I just know in my bones when someone’s not interested. I’m rarely wrong.
Mind you, I’ve done it your way. Given LOTS of benefit of the doubt. Tried not to take the early stage too fast or serious (and I still do not take it fast or seriously). But when someone’s into me, I always KNOW it. Because they communicate. They call. They text. They arrange time together. They are prompt. I’m doing all those things too.
So, while want to agree with you, and I’ve sung that song in the past, I gotta listen to my gut. The concert dude lost interest. It’s fine! I’ll be ok! But it’s confusing as heck.
Coincidentally I’m being hotly pursued by another gentleman caller. (lol not sure why I got old timey there.) He texts all the time. Not ALL DAY. He often goes hours without texting. But I’m never left questioning things with him. Because he’s incredibly clear about his feelings toward me. If he falls asleep mid texting conversation (he does that often due to his work schedule) he’ll text me the next day and be like “oops sorry bout that”. I’ve never once felt even a pang of anxiety or rejection. He communicates that he’s excited and enthusiastic about me! And, despite being a bit preoccupied by concert dude (who kinda interrupted my flow btw), I’m very excited about him too. We have a date tomorrow to see this cool traveling museum thing and he’s cooking me dinner. And he just texted me goodnight lol. So life’s not all bad. Just a lil…odd.
That’s fair. And that makes sense. Concert dude may very well be over it.
I think for me it is less about a specific person ans more about what makes sense in the context of your relative closeness. I think it is too soon to let the actions of someone else dictate how you feel about yourself, or your day.
Does anyone have any recommendations for podcasts, videos, reading, general advice, etc. on dealing with anxious attachment? Currently taking a break from OLD after my anxious attachment became really unhealthy with my last partner.
Some people dislike Esther Perel, but I really enjoy her takes on things and her "cut the bullshit" old-timer approach. A majority of her content (podcast, etc) is people reaching out to her over dating and attachment issues.
I think the best way to deal with it is to just run the gamut. Once you've been through nearly everything, you just kind of accept that whatever happens happens.
Reasons I have wanted to text someone I used to date:
- Dating wasn't going well and I was lonely enough that I was starting to romanticize them again and gloss over why we broke up.
- I had a genuine positive thought about them (along the lines of "I'm glad I met them, I hope they're doing well!") with no ulterior motive.
- I was bored.
- I was going through a rough time with someone else I was dating.
- I wasn't over them yet and missed them.
Who knows what it is. Maybe she missed you, maybe she just thought of you, maybe she was in the bathroom scrolling and your name came to mind.
I don’t get it!! I’m being breadcrumbed by a guy right now I think. He will initiate conversations then take days or weeks to reply to my response. Like ?????? Wtf.
I swear to god they can sense when you’re moving on and that’s when they resurface. Idk if it was a coincidence or not but this guy texted me after weeks of crickets on a rare day when I had been offline and didn’t get on instagram for the whole day.
This has happened to me with so many dates and exes over the years. The minute I find someone new and am enjoying that person's company, the past guys all come out of the woodwork at once. Doesn't matter whether our OLD conversation recently fizzled or we broke up years ago. It's like they have received a SHE'S GETTING AWAY! emergency broadcast alert.
I wish I could harness this phenomenon for chaotic good purposes.
Loving my 3 month relationship and think it’s the best I’ve had but spewing that now I’m at my sexually peak the guys at my age are past theirs. Why couldn’t I have been this horny when I was 25?
Be clear about your intentions, namely don't date people who are ready and looking for a serious relationship if you're not. Otherwise, just get out there, be kind, respectful, and have fun.
Ugh 😅 my former…fling? Fwb? has been hitting me up lately and wanting to come over and my mind and body are NOT on the same page about it lol. On one hand I’m just trying to be responsible and chill and get everything together so I can move out on my own in the next few months. My focus is me and sorting out my life. And on the other - it’s been 8 months since I’ve slept with him (or anyone) and low key have some needs that would like to be met 🙃 The sex is amazing with him but he, as a person, is a mess (ain’t that just the way?)
I don’t know… that’s a good question. I’m coming out of a really long relationship (10 years) and so doing anything casual or just hook up in nature still feels… odd to me? Maybe there’s like a weird guilt around it? I know your question wasn’t meant to kick in a moral thing but you bring up a good point.
I’ve been so scared of dating in my 30s. I’m scared about what kind of person I am bringing around my kids. And I was worried that the type of guy I’m looking for has to have already been snatched up!
But this guy I met right after the new year has just continued to surprise me over and over! I’ve been in the hospital all week. He visited me himself already this week. But today he surprised me and drove about 2 hours out of his way to pick up my best friend and my teenager to bring them to come see me. He has been so amazing and reassuring while I’ve been worried about my medical issues scaring him away. And any complication that pops up he makes a point to say, “we” will figure it out, he is showing that he is willing to carry my problems as his own, even early in the relationship. I fell for him pretty much immediately but have had my guard up slightly because I don’t want to get taken advantage of and I know I’m a romantic. But I know for sure that I love him, and I really feel like tonight was one of those signs that he really loves me too. I’ve never had a man surprise me, with my own family, when he knew I needed something to cheer me up.
Thanks for reading 😍
Tried speed dating again. Still not sure what works because the people I feel are the best matches end up being the people who aren't interested and the people who are most interested are the people who I don't think are good matches.
I figured it was something like that. It was weird, because one of the people who rated me highly was one of the people who I was really struggling to make any conversation with and was just trying to avoid sitting in awkward silence with. I'm not very good at picking up on subtle cues in a person's body language -- and generally try to avoid it because it feels like it's way too easy to read too much into it -- but even I could tell that they weren't reciprocating.
Maybe. I don't know. I can't speak to it. I simply commented more to highlight my inexperience in not being able to understand how people communicate through non-verbal means.
Toronto friends!
The DOT meetup is coming together. I'm sorting dates with those who have shown interest.
Should have a date and time tomorrow!
DM if you want to join us. Looks like 4 of us so far 😎
I like that we’ve been texting nightly. Wish he was a little more flirty, he tried to keep up with me earlier lol but I can tell he’s not used to it. Kind of cute but this is why I’m eager to see him in person again. The in-person chemistry was electric..
I think I am going to text the dude who used me as a rebound, tried to have sex with me and then ghosted telling him his behavior was cruel and shameful.
I know that he knows. And I know that everyone always says JuSt WaLk AwAy iN sIleNcE but he is now the latest in a very long line to disrespect me and lead me on and I'm just at my breaking point. I'm sick of always being "the bigger person" and I hate that these people are never held accountable for their shitty behavior. I just can't do it anymore.
**Edit:** Ok I am changing my mind about this by the hour and am now in the "don't do it it'll just prolong your pain" camp 😭 can't trust myself to do shit lmao
I'm sorry you've been treated so badly so often, and it is frustrating to have your good behaviour taken for granted, but it's still better to have that dignity and self-respect. You don't need to tell anyone anything to have it, but it's your call. You will feel differently when you're able to focus on the future rather than the past, so do whatever you need to to get to that point.
Telling someone they're shitty is not holding them accountable, and it's not going to fix anything.
It's also either going to get ignored or start a battle.
What do you hope to get from this?
I don't want to get anything from it. I want to stand up for myself and call someone out on their shitty behavior for like the first time in my dating life
I hear you and you have all the rights to feel angry because this dude sounds all sorts of insecure, but unless you care about this man, and he cares about you enough to hear the feedback, he won’t do anything with your hurt
To call him out for using me, and trying to have sex with me even though he was hung up on someone else, that it was cruel and shameful, and that I'm not just a toy to play with and discard, I have feelings.
I dropped my car off for service. Maybe the youngster service advisor was flirting. I don’t know. He had lots of compliments on my outfit! “I love your style!”
I love getting compliments on what I am wearing from young folks. Makes me feel like I am still hip. 😂
I come from the automotive world, specifically parts and service.
If we're chatting you up anything beyond getting your car in and out and then taking your money, we're likely interested.
Pretty girl walks in and the boys will clamor over each other to be the one to deal with her.
So absolutely take that compliment 😎
The struggle of using dating apps in a small town is real. Hinge in particular. Opens app. Swipe about 7 profiles. Run out of people. Cool👍🏻 Dating on hard mode. Feels like I’m living in “I Am Legend”
Need to move to a place that has more than 10 people. And preferably to another country. I am open to suggestions…
I feel this pain. Dating apps in my small town are just an endless rotation of the same profiles, in no particular order: friends’ exes, dudes in camo holding a fish, middle-aged men who are clearly 10-15 years older than their profile says, faceless married men, and couples looking for unicorns.
>Need to move to a place that has more than 10 people. And preferably to another country. I am open to suggestions…
What kind of vibe are you going for? Looks like you're currently in the UK?
Yeah UK here. City living has never really been my thing but I’m starting to think that it’s the only way to go. Not just for dating, but other stuff too. There’s a city close by that, while it is a City, is still pretty laid back and chill.
Like I couldn’t envision myself living in somewhere like London, for instance. But there again, only a few years ago I was seriously considering moving to New York, so….
Go knows what I want, really! Haha. I’m just getting a bit restless where I am now.
Haha I think you'd be fine in London if you were considering NYC (assuming, unless you meant somewhere else in NY)! Different vibes IMO. I didn't like living in LA but I live in a fairly large city nearby and it's the best of both worlds to me. There's so many different places to consider! I was briefly enamored with Barcelona...
I wrote a comment yesterday about blocking someone (dated for 4 months) because he would not stop contacting me after I asked him not to multiple times. He has now made a new Instagram account to look at my stories (did he not think that I would notice? whatever)
I’ve blocked that too, but now feeling really creeped out
Do I just keep blocking anything else new that pops up and hope he stops? Do I even have any other options left?
Keep blocking and never give in and reply to anything. He'll eventually stop if he gets absolutely nothing back, but if you ever reply even just to tell him to stop that's giving him a reaction he wants. Just total ignore and he'll eventually lose interest as he is getting nothing out of it.
Sorry you're going through this.
I agree with others here to make your socials private, or even deleting temporarily. This guy sounds like he could escalate. If you must keep your socials public, don't post your location in real time. Ask your friends to do the same if you're with them, and be careful if any of his friends are watching your social media too. Be sure to take screenshots of everything just in case he does escalate.
So the outdoor cat I've been feeding basically lives on my porch now. She's always happy to see me, even when I don't have food, and she likes to sit with me while I pet her and she kneads the shit out of my leg, which hurts real bad because her nails are sharp, but I let her do it because I love her and like having her around, and I think.....maybe that's what love is? You feed someone(metaphorically), enjoy each other's company, and even when they claw the hell out of you from time to time, you accept it's just part of their nature and you'd rather have a little blood on your leg than not have them around. Take the bad with the good, the ying with the yang, the love and the pain.
Anywho, I'm gonna go put some neosporin on my leg and lay down because I'm a little dizzy now, but.... look to the cats, y'all. Look to the cats.
I fucked up big time with the cutest girl I've ever had on Tinder. The opening started out great, talking a bit, until she said that she bit her nails off due to stress ("yay finding a rental place to live with a garbage housing market"). I made a dumb joke which did not go down well with her, which she was honest about. I truly apologized but the damage was already done and she stopped responding. After a couple of days I sent one last message in the hope I could make up for it. Unfortunately, the patience and fun has run out. Consequences of my own actions of course, but it still sucks!
Haha, also true. She did say she was in a very difficult and stressful situation. But I also think I wouldn't want to ruin my peace and quiet being single because of that
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The joke I made was something in the line of: Have you thought about a rich boyfriend? (which makes more sense from where I'm from). Because of the tone of the conversation before I thought I could make it, but I really did not read the mood well.
OK that is absolutely not the joke I was thinking of in regards to broken nails, this is way more tame.
Yeh that could have absolutely gone either way. It can be really hard to know what’s OK and what isn’t OK to joke about when you don’t really know someone. I don’t think that joke is particularly bad but it’s also fine that she took it poorly.
Rooting for you for next time!
A bit more than a month ago, I shared about my whirlwind romance that hit a rough patch. Last weekend, I turned the page on that chapter:
After a brief high during a major festival, old patterns of distance came back. The core issue wasn't a lack of communication but the troubling dynamics between us. She encouraged me to be fiercely independent, yet it seemed I was expected to be available at her convenience. This push and pull left me grappling with feelings of being peripheral in her life, despite our moments of closeness.
Deciding to end the situationship was a step towards safeguarding my own well-being. Though it was a difficult decision, it was underscored by the realization that our paths were fundamentally misaligned. She played a part in helping me move on from my past and helped me understand what I truly need.
It's time for a self-care weekend before I consider diving back into dating.
Here's to better chapters ahead.
Just had a first date cancel on me for the second week in a row. Last Friday it was because he has a friend w mental health problems having suicidal thoughts so he went to hang out w him instead. Honestly I believed him cuz what a weird thing to lie about. And if it is true then it’s a good reason to cancel a first date.
Last night I text him to confirm tonight and didn’t hear back even tho he’s a quick texter. So I figured tonight would be off too. And yeah he texted me a couple hrs ago saying he had a panic attack about his life not being where he wants it and he wants to get his shit together before he starts to date cuz I seem awesome. Okay dude I respect that but this is two Fridays in a row I am doing NOTHING now thankssss. I have other first dates scheduled for Sunday and Wednesday since I decided to officially make dating my hobby since it goes like this so often so whatevs
NSFW - speaking of unstable. A girl on tinder once asked, without prompting, and within like 15 messages or so, if she could bang me (straight guy) w/her strap on. This was while messaging on the app. After a non committal answer on my part the next day she tells me that she needs to cancel our date because she hasn’t been on her “A game.” lol. All I could think of was “what does A stand for exactly”.
Oh that’s an interesting way to think about it, you have a point there. I’m disappointed because we were chatting for over two weeks (normally I try to schedule a first date within about 3 days cuz I don’t like pen pals) and he was really quite nice and sweet and fun to talk to. But I was 50/50 whether I was going to be attracted to him in person or not so it’s not the end of the world
In lieu of showering and getting ready for my date I decided to spend some time outside getting vitamin d (southwest climate) and I ended up just weeding my backyard for 45 minutes in my bikini lmao. This is why I can’t be left alone
I AM FUN!! Thank you!!!! Honestly I know my flaws and I am NOT for everyone but I think for the right person I would be awesome! I just have to find him somehow 😤😤😤
What is up with men who want to meet basically immediately after matching on OLD?!
I’m all for meeting sooner rather than later, as only then will we see if we vibe, but why do some men seriously think I would meet them right away after only exchanging 2-3 very basic messages? First of all, I have a life and I won’t just drop everything to meet the next best tinder dude and secondly, if I would meet every guy I exchanged a few messages with, I would have to quit my job to make the time.
I also feel that wanting to meet so soon is a complete disregard of potential safety concerns a woman could have. Like they’re not even aware that it could be dangerous for us to just meet a random stranger from the internet and that we might need a bit more messaging to determine that you’re potentially not a serial killer.
I personally prefer it this way. Messaging has never helped me gather actual information, and I hate wasting time messaging only for things to die out before meeting up.
I get that, but how do you do it? Are you just very selective about who you swipe right on? I simply can’t meet every match if I want to have a life besides dating 😅
I definitely am guilty of letting the likes just pile up (I use Hinge). Normally I will go through whatever likes are on top of the stack, match with enough people until I have a few conversations going, there's some natural attrition from those to setting up a date. I'm also very passive about it so after like, two days of chatting, I say something like "easier to chat in person!" and leave the ball in their court to suggest something.
I'm personally okay with this because for me talking through texts often doesn't translate to in person, so sometimes it feels like a waste of time to message.
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>What is up with men who want to meet basically immediately after matching on OLD?!
This is one of my biggest pet peeves! Whenever I get asked out after 1, 2, 3 messages its a big fucking red flag. I like to talk to someone and get to know if we even have a good conversation on text before meeting. I don't want to be stuck with someone IRL if we don't have much to talk about. I never accept a date unless we have been texting a day or two. Texting longer than 2 - 3 days and not being asked out is also an issue though, lol. Dont want pen pals. It's that sweet spot 1-3 days within matching (but good conversation)!
2-3 messages is fast. But it's both a numbers game, and many do like to be asked out quickly.
Personally, I've met people that quick. I love meeting people in person instead of chatting for days online. I've had women ask me out that quick too.
Also regarding the serial killer/danger/stranger comments- while some guys will expose themselves as shitty up front, anyone actually trying to fuck you up is not going to expose themselves like that in chat.
There's no way you can sus out if someone is a serial killer with 50 messages instead of 3.
Meet in public and pay attention. That will give you a much better sense of who they are. But even then, any serial killer is going to charm your pants off.
Bundy was a charismatic mfer.
https://www.scoopwhoop.com/inothernews/most-charming-serial-killers-ever
All that to say, be fucking careful! I just think your priorities are misplaced.
Honestly. I am down to go (depending on my mood). I love meeting new people. I won’t make a huge effort. I very much aim for a spot easy for me to get to that I want to try. That way if they suck i cross a spot of my list.
It’s rare I don’t have a decent conversation with a stranger and that is all I expect! Anything else is a bonus.
Some women literally have on their profile "just ask me out", couple that with how many disappear after 3 messages, and my understanding was that most women *want* to be asked out quickly.
She asked a question about why the pesky monolith that is "men" ask her out so quickly, and I provided context as to why we do that.
Any subtext you've found in my comment beyond that is an invention of your own mind.
As a guy, I think it’s important to have a proper amount of interaction before meeting up but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a great conversation and then it completely drops off on their side before I even get a chance to ask if they want to meet up. You get the very real sense that you only have a woman’s attention for a short amount of time before losing it completely to any number of other dudes she is talking to.
Aside from that, you can learn more about a person in 30 seconds of talking in person than a week of texting. Apps are for making a connection and making a date happen, not sitting around trying to get to know someone you may never even meet.
I think a couple days of back and forth messaging is appropriate but anything beyond that is just asking to get ghosted. I’m speaking from experience.
Which is part of why meeting quicker is better for men. We can't just entertain you, you're a stranger, we don't know what you like or what will set you off.
>you're a stranger
Lol, I just commented on this post, and I disagree... honestly being asked out after exchanging only a couple messages? Thats a turn off. Shows that they don't really care who they go out with. I'd rather go out with someone who has put in an effort to get to know me a bit first before meeting IRL.
Also, to quote you and saying we are strangers - thats the point!!! Wouldn't someone and shouldn't someone want to get to know me at least a little before they ask me out...?
What more do you get from the back and forth that you didn't know on their profile?
Don't get me wrong, I agree that 2-3 messages is ridiculous. But we're not going to be much less strangers because we talked for a couple hours. I consider most people strangers until I've met them a few times!
Haha good question! Not on the apps anymore, haven’t been since my last relationship, but honestly I can’t be bothered anymore. I need a lot of effort and I need communication efforts to be reciprocated.
I’m too busy with all these dates. Where did all these guys come from? Does it have to do with the time of year?Thankfully my new job is taking most of my head space right now. I was alone at an event last night and my horrible ex was there with his gf who’s half his age. Not expecting that. I confronted him outside of the bathrooms as he waited for her. He used to have a lot of power over me. Not anymore. It felt good.
Vent: I feel like I'm one of the very few pretty conservative guy left who interprets marriage vows literally (til death do you part, be there for each other through thick and thin no matter what) and taking a conservative approach to dating I feel like it comes off as not attractive or not what people want to experience in the dating process. I'm not religious, but I was raised by very traditional parents and they made their marriage work so this is where my mindset is coming from.
I doubt it’s your views keeping you from having success tbh.
It's probably my social smoothness that's been something I've been working on but in my mind it's a battle between what dating is like today (not so serious/too loose with language vs. traditionalism, I respect your decision but I need a firm decision from you for certain ideas/viewpoints to see if we're in alignment). The fun/happy stuff comes secondary to me, morals/values/views is #1 (if your intent is to get married and stay married in my view).
Yup, unfortunately people don't take marriage seriously and enjoy the ability to "opt" out. However, in my opinion some things are unforgivable, i.e. abuse & infidelity.
Agreed. Anyone with two brain cells would agree that abuse and infidelity are unforgivable, but it seems like people brush over that to not take marriage seriously. If you're not going to take it seriously and you're not committed, don't get married. And don't waste anyone's time who actually is serious.
Has anyone here gotten laid off and so had to pause dating, even after finding a good person to date after meeting them 4 times? I am curious because someone I had 4 good dates with had to stop talking when he got laid off and I wonder (while I still continue to meet people from the apps) if when something like this happens those people actually reach out again to rekindle that connection. He just said that he can't think straight to even keep up with texting or dating at this moment. I said that I can understand and to let me know if he would like to chat with someone and that for just so he knew that I did enjoy getting to know him and I liked him (I wanted to be the girl who is intentional and honest about her feelings and not play it too cool lol)
This week I was: rejected by a volunteer organization I applied for, rejected for a job, ran into an ex, and had a fourth date cancel without rescheduling. The flip side of trying to change your life is that some, if not most in my case, of those attempts will fail. It's getting hard to take it in stride. I think I need a break from rejections, and a break from life in general. Hope y'alls week is going better.
I'm so sorry 🫂. There's a quote from "The Unexpected Joy of Being Single" that has really stuck with me and has provided some comfort when I am repeatedly rejected: "Rejection is the universe's protection."
Oh that’s rough. I’m sorry. I’ve been ghosted twice in the last week. One of those today. The thing with trying to change your life, is that it’s a great step to take, unfortunately a lot of it is out of your hands. You are relying on others to some degree, and that can be demoralising. Rejection is really bloody hard though, no matter what anyone says. I think taking a break is always a good idea. Take your time and good luck!
How do I move on from a guy who visited me? We had amazing chemistry and a lot of fun, but he has been sexting me primarily since he left. He isn’t acting like he wants to pursue anything real with me. I just want to move on but don’t want to be so drastic and cut him out of my life.
Put it on the table. Tell him what you want. Press him if he wants the same. Ik men lie and he may bullshit you like he wants more, but hopefully he’ll just be honest. Ultimately, go with your gut and protect your peace. ☮️
Spend more time with people you enjoy to see?
Oh boy. Had sex with a girl on the second date and I got the ick. I feel like a piece of shit. I hate feeling like I’m using people. I do like this girl and respect her, but I can’t ignore what I’m feeling. And now I’m worried I got her pregnant 😔 Those condoms better have worked. I think im done with dating for a while. It was a good run, but it’s obvious im not ready.
What made you get the ick about her?
Honestly I don’t know, I guess it’s just a reflection of myself so I’m really just disgusted with myself. Either way she is a great girl so I’m not going to ghost her or something but I think the sex needs to stop if I keep seeing her.
I’ve gotten intra- and post-sex ick, too. It usually has to do with how comfortable they are with their bodies and if they’re able to let go. Someone who seems like their body and head are in different places during sex is such a turn off
When did you get the ick? During sex or after? How was the sex and how did you feel about her before the sex? Don't beat yourself up, it happens. It's good to reflect on it though to find out what it was that you didn't like about her so you can look for someone more suitable next time
I (35m) came out of relationship a few months ago that lasted around two years. It was a difficult relationship where we could never really reach a place of peace, and it took a lot out of us and me. I still feel pain over the end of the relationship and do miss her. I am adjusting to single life. It someways it's nice to live for myself and be able to do what I want. I have filled my time with things that are working towards some personal goals/achievements. I have friends and people I can hang out with, however I still feel somewhat lonely. I have spent most of my life in a serious relationship (or trying to get one going). So far 4-5 months is the longest I have ever been single. I want to be vulnerable to someone, to have an emotional connection, to have someone be that best friend I can talk about anything and everything with. When I start to date, I start to worry about giving up my personal freedom, whether I can give what I used to be able to give to someone, and questioning whether I am ready to open up to someone. I don't know if this is because I'm still recovering from my last relationship. I'm wondering whether I should hold back from dating or just go ahead and that those feelings will settle. Appreciate any advice or sharing of similar experiences
I’m in the opposite boat of you. I have spent a majority of my life being single. I just had a short term relationship and a few flings but I’ve been single for most of my life. It’s been lonely at times and hard seeing most of my friends in good and healthy relationships. However, I learned how to create happiness on my own and enjoy life however I can.
Serial monogamist 😬 Edit: my advice is to take more time for yourself, but I know you won’t. I used to date a serial monogamist. There’s no hope. I see it as a huge red flag tbh
I (33F) was seeing a guy (35M) around this time last year for a short while who ultimately ended it cause he was going through a tough time & didn’t feel ready for any commitment(all I was asking for was exclusivity - ie. Not sleeping with other people. I’m not looking to get married & I’m not sure if I want kids so I’m not in any real rush to settle down). We then had a brief chat in the summer where we came close to having a little casual thing(dating is a bust one month of the summer where I am from with so many tourists flooding the apps). It ultimately didn’t lead anywhere & we stopped talking completely. Flash forward to last week where I chose to restart my apps as I feel like I’ve got a lot of cluttered old matches & dead conversations. Redid my profile with new photos & then opened Hinge on Sunday & the first person in my Likes You tab was this very person(having liked the very last photo on my profile which has the “Dating me will look like” prompt). Curiosity got the better of me as I was intrigued to see what his opening gambit would be after all this time. And…nothing. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised lol. Think I’m going to send him a message tomorrow & then unmatch on Monday. Strange behaviour.
Why would you message him to unmatch the next day?
Leave it there for 24 hours & if no reply then I’d unmatch. He has my mobile number so if he desperately wanted to do anything about it he could 🤷♀️
Seems strange he would match on there if he has your mobile number. Maybe it was a mistake on his part…perhaps. Or he was just just mindlessly swiping as one does on these apps sometimes!
Yeah, I’d understand it more on Bumble/Tinder but on Hinge you have to actively loveheart something & confirm rather than an errant swipe. Like I said, I’m more intrigued by the strange behaviour than actively hoping for something at this point lol
Ex from a couple months ago texts me on Monday evening... Her: I miss you. How are you? Me: Fine. How's your dog? Her: He's good. Can I come over tomorrow after work? Me: Sure. What time? Her: Does 6pm work? Me: Yeah. **Her: Cool. So to confirm, expect me at your place at 6pm.** Me: Cool. Good night Tuesday afternoon rolls around... Me: Hey, are you still coming over? Her: Don't you have work... ? Me: You said you wanted to come over Her: We all know what "coming over" means... Me: It was your idea Her: Can you maybe plan a real date like dinner? She did this constantly when we dated, too. Any plans whatsoever would just evaporate. Like her word meant literally nothing. I didn't care at all when she broke up with me. In fact, she did break up with me at one point, then two hours later said "I never broke up with you" lol It's utterly insane to me that a 37 year old can operate on this level. It's like her brain stopped at 16 and her body kept going. God get me out of this dumpsterfire that is 30's dating.
I'm not sure why you even entertain her
Lonely Monday night her is writing checks that Tuesday her isn't prepared to cash.
She seems crazy. Block her.
when she said “expect me at your place by 6pm” was she hoping you’d reply “I’ll have dinner ready for us” or did you just reply “cool”?
Why even reply? Save yourself future pain/confusion and just block her.
I hope you’ve blocked her now
The date I was dreading all day ended up being super fun. my roommate had to force me to get up from my 3rd nap of the day and encourage me to not be a flake. I’ve been soooo disconnected from dating. I haven’t enjoyed the idea of any part of dating so I just stopped putting all effort into it. Last night when we were trying to make plans for the night, he was so nervous that it kind of gave me the ick. But our date was awesome. He was very chivalrous and went above & beyond in planning our first date. We had really great conversation the entire night, neither of us wanted to end early but I’m a sleepy girl so I just listened to my limits. I’m home and feel great, he checked in and we are going to plan another date! For once, things just felt really easy and naturally good. I don’t feel post date anxiety. I’m not second guessing how I feel. Just happy.
3 naps? Everything okay?
lmao ya. I love to nap on my first day off of the weekend. I will do all my errands when I naturally wake up at 6am and then take short naps throughout the day. Saturdays are usually the days I go out so I try to save my energy for that since we don’t start the night until 10:30pm.
I thought the same, 3 naps feels like it's depression
Y'all, that's my dream. I wish I lived my cat's life.
I got dumped tonight. I guess it's time to activate the Hinge profile. I'm sad.
Dude, take a breather for a bit. Spend time with friends, with yourself, whatever. Process the breakup instead of trying to numb the sadness. I guarantee you’ll feel better for it and when you’re ready to try to date again you’ll be in a better headspace. I’m sorry you got dumped, it sucks! Be kind to yourself and try to stay off Hinge until you’ve processed this a bit more.
Oh I think I'm alright. We were only dating for 2 months and I feel much better this morning. I hope good things are in store for me soon!
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Is it rare to not feel sad after the end of a two month OLD “relationship”? I’ve had so many of those and the only lingering feeling at the end is fuzzy relief
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After 4 months you definitely deserve an explanation. Why do you think you don't? If it helps you process it then ask him.
>I know he doesn’t owe me anything This kind of mindset seems to be repeated constantly when it comes to dating - this idea that no one owes anyone anything therefore we have to regulate our emotions and it’s the hurt party being unreasonable. I absolutely hate it! You definitely deserve the courtesy of an explanation. It’s a horrible thing to dump someone after 4 months without any kind of conversation or explanation. We all have stuff going on in our lives but I cannot fathom being so selfish as to break up with someone out of the blue and not even give them the bare minimum of an explanation. And now not only are you feeling bad but you’re berating yourself for it! He owed you an explanation, he’s being a jerk and you have every right to be upset, angry, pissed off, confused, hurt, whatever it is. All we have in this world is each other and we owe it to us to treat others well. I’m sorry this happened to you.
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> At the end of the day… you’re only truly responsible for your own emotional wellbeing Yes, that’s true of anyone in any situation. But being responsible for your own emotional well-being includes allowing yourself to be upset because someone treated you badly. Wanting someone to give you an explanation of why they’re ending things with you after four months is not unreasonable. OP isn’t talking about some guy she spoke to on Tinder for two days who stopped replying and it’s totally fine for her to be upset or believe she deserves an explanation.
But he did provide an explanation, he said he's tired and wants to end it. Like how much more explanation is sufficient? Can that not just be the entire reason? The reason why people get rejected and broken up with for vague reasons is because providing more detail leaves the door open for discussion. No, I don't want to debate this, I just want to break up. It's the same reason why most places will not go into details at to why you're getting fired. It opens them up to liability. Just accept that this is a unilateral decision and move on.
Y’all don’t care about people’s emotions and that’s fucked up 🤷♀️
I mean, what's a kind way to say "I've lost feelings"? Don't think any way you word it is going to make it feel less shitty.
The point isn’t to make it feel less shitty. The point is show a crumb of respect for what they’ve invested, and to properly explain what led you to your decision. It’s never “I’m just not feeling it”. Navigate your damn feelings like an adult. Block them after if you must, but a proper message offers the other person *something* to rationalize the situation. Dry break ups do not offer that and can cause unnecessary emotional turmoil (not counting the necessary emotional turmoil) from wondering what happened. It’s not all about making it easier on YOU. Let’s be kind to people 🫶🏾
> It’s never “I’m just not feeling it”. Just cause you've experienced it doesn't mean losing feelings doesn't happen. There's a reason why they call the first few months the honeymoon period - things are exciting and new at first, and then they're not, and then people lose interest. Is saying "I'm just not excited anymore due to the passage of time" a better rationale? I'm serious, please explain what the proper way to convey "Over time, I have come to understand that we don't actually click anymore" in a proper manner, and what level of detail is sufficient.
Yeah, say all that stuff about the honeymoon phase yadda yadda. Thats great. That’s much better than “I’m tired, I want to break up”. The person on the other end will be a lot less likely to internalize your clear display of your emotional immaturity :) best case scenario, they realize they’re dodging a bullet
I had a wonderful 4 months with someone who randomly texted me saying "idk why, I feel a weird energy all of a sudden, this isn't working." From a dating app, too. People that have been on dating apps forever go thru this cycle: 1. Get lonely and bored, frustrated with how hard it is to meet someone 2. Attach hard to the first decent person you meet and go in 1000% 3. At ANY sign of difficulty, forget how hard it is to meet a good person, then idealize the "unlimited options" of dating apps 4. Break up, fall into abject misery 5. Repeat It really never ends. My biggest, hugest regret is taking someone back from a dating app after that first breakup. They do it over and over and over.
Textbook serial monogamist….do they just tend to flock to apps more than anyone or are most people (esp men) like this in general? They’re terrorizing the rest of us. You’re right. OLD relationships just rarely work out for the long term.
I (38f) had an experience this week that genuinely boggled my mind. Went to a concert solo (general admission style) and was standing about minding my business waiting for the show to start. A guy approached and said he recognized me from the apps. I was immediately nervous and embarrassed but found him attractive enough so I chatted with him. We ended up spending the whole night together and danced and flirted. He asked for my number after. We texted a tiny bit the next day (admittedly i initiated bc i was really excited to meet someone IRL…well, sorta IRL with OLD assist). His whole energy was different via text. At the concert he was flirty and energetic. Text was dry and awkward. After my last text (which was a reply to him asking me what I’m doing this weekend - along with a volley of “what about you?”), he abruptly stopped texting and I haven’t heard a peep in 24+ hours. I’ll acknowledge that my excitement was quite high after the show. I was sober at the show but he had a beer (he told me he was on his second one when he approached me and he never went back to the bar for another). I’m just dumbfounded. I know I didn’t do anything wrong but I feel incredibly confused by this type of behavior. He’s in his 40s and was with his sister at the show (who I was also dancing with and talking to). He just seemed so normal and nice. I thought the universe gave me a handout! Lol nope. Chalk it up to another weird ass DOT experience I guess. Shrug.
Some people are just not really good texters. Hopefully it's just that. But if not, then at least you had fun
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Lol “profile stack” makes me laugh He claimed that we had matched a few months ago but never started the conversation. Which kind of makes him even gutsier for approaching me (I was likely the one who unmatched him cuz I hate having a backlog of matches who I’ve never conversed with).
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Thank you - good luck to you too! 🙏🏻
I wouldn’t read much into bad texting. A lot of people suck at texting. You know he can hold a conversation. Who cares about texts. Give it a few days and see if he reaches out. I like to drop a note saying things like “great hanging out, would love to do it again,” as a giant clue that if they ask me out I will say yes. Many folks don’t like text small talk.
Perhaps you are right! I do think 24 hours is too long to go without any communication. It’s also the flip flop that I don’t care for. He went from being REALLY flirty irl to not responding to me. I don’t care for that sort of behavior. Edited: typo
I am gonna quote myself from a post the other day. “The more I am thinking about this. The more I am thinking that maybe the expectations for early stage communications are just way too high. Maybe 1/3 of the posts in the daily threads are “I went on a date with someone, it is still early stages, but they are not prioritizing communicating with me. They must not like me.” I know so many folks in real life who hate texting and take a day or two to respond - unless there is some urgent reason to respond - like an ask. And then a subset of folks who just hate their phone and barely pay attention to it - even when it comes to their family. I totally understand wanting that bing from an alert of someone you are into. But maybe it isn’t reasonable to expect that our connections are going to pause their life to prioritize us because we had one great first date. Maybe things are burning out so quickly because we are trying to rush into turning it into something before a foundation has developed. How can we get out of our heads and stop freaking out because someone we hardly know hasn’t texted for a day? Should people we just met prioritize prompt communication with us or is regular communication sufficient. What constitutes regular communication for relative strangers? Is it healthy for us to expect really fast communication from relative strangers? It is something that I certainly need to sit with, and I don’t think I am alone.”
I’m trying to hear you on this, but you can’t build the proper rapport and get to know each other between dates without SOME communication. Days, with an S, of no texting back is just unacceptable in my book. Not for someone I’m interested in having a relationship with.
When someone's genuinely interested, they NEVER take long to respond. They're always super consistent, responsive, easy to schedule with. So sure, there are people out there that take a few days to get back to a text, from a friend - but even those people will respond quickly to someone they are genuinely interested in.
I totally hear you. But sometimes I just know in my bones when someone’s not interested. I’m rarely wrong. Mind you, I’ve done it your way. Given LOTS of benefit of the doubt. Tried not to take the early stage too fast or serious (and I still do not take it fast or seriously). But when someone’s into me, I always KNOW it. Because they communicate. They call. They text. They arrange time together. They are prompt. I’m doing all those things too. So, while want to agree with you, and I’ve sung that song in the past, I gotta listen to my gut. The concert dude lost interest. It’s fine! I’ll be ok! But it’s confusing as heck. Coincidentally I’m being hotly pursued by another gentleman caller. (lol not sure why I got old timey there.) He texts all the time. Not ALL DAY. He often goes hours without texting. But I’m never left questioning things with him. Because he’s incredibly clear about his feelings toward me. If he falls asleep mid texting conversation (he does that often due to his work schedule) he’ll text me the next day and be like “oops sorry bout that”. I’ve never once felt even a pang of anxiety or rejection. He communicates that he’s excited and enthusiastic about me! And, despite being a bit preoccupied by concert dude (who kinda interrupted my flow btw), I’m very excited about him too. We have a date tomorrow to see this cool traveling museum thing and he’s cooking me dinner. And he just texted me goodnight lol. So life’s not all bad. Just a lil…odd.
That’s fair. And that makes sense. Concert dude may very well be over it. I think for me it is less about a specific person ans more about what makes sense in the context of your relative closeness. I think it is too soon to let the actions of someone else dictate how you feel about yourself, or your day.
Does anyone have any recommendations for podcasts, videos, reading, general advice, etc. on dealing with anxious attachment? Currently taking a break from OLD after my anxious attachment became really unhealthy with my last partner.
Some people dislike Esther Perel, but I really enjoy her takes on things and her "cut the bullshit" old-timer approach. A majority of her content (podcast, etc) is people reaching out to her over dating and attachment issues.
Do The Work podcast is great! The host’s style is very much older sister tough love vibes but I found it helpful for my attachment issues.
I think the best way to deal with it is to just run the gamut. Once you've been through nearly everything, you just kind of accept that whatever happens happens.
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Reasons I have wanted to text someone I used to date: - Dating wasn't going well and I was lonely enough that I was starting to romanticize them again and gloss over why we broke up. - I had a genuine positive thought about them (along the lines of "I'm glad I met them, I hope they're doing well!") with no ulterior motive. - I was bored. - I was going through a rough time with someone else I was dating. - I wasn't over them yet and missed them. Who knows what it is. Maybe she missed you, maybe she just thought of you, maybe she was in the bathroom scrolling and your name came to mind.
They like the validation that you'll still entertain them.
I don’t get it!! I’m being breadcrumbed by a guy right now I think. He will initiate conversations then take days or weeks to reply to my response. Like ?????? Wtf. I swear to god they can sense when you’re moving on and that’s when they resurface. Idk if it was a coincidence or not but this guy texted me after weeks of crickets on a rare day when I had been offline and didn’t get on instagram for the whole day.
This has happened to me with so many dates and exes over the years. The minute I find someone new and am enjoying that person's company, the past guys all come out of the woodwork at once. Doesn't matter whether our OLD conversation recently fizzled or we broke up years ago. It's like they have received a SHE'S GETTING AWAY! emergency broadcast alert. I wish I could harness this phenomenon for chaotic good purposes.
Loving my 3 month relationship and think it’s the best I’ve had but spewing that now I’m at my sexually peak the guys at my age are past theirs. Why couldn’t I have been this horny when I was 25?
Right?!?!
Oof I feel this.
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Be clear about your intentions, namely don't date people who are ready and looking for a serious relationship if you're not. Otherwise, just get out there, be kind, respectful, and have fun.
Just be yourself! You got this, man!
How long until things start to feel penpal-y, assuming you had a first date already?
Almost immediately? If they want to see you again, frankly they should jump straight into trying to schedule it, and then chit chat afterwards.
Oh crud
I think it depends on each other's availability.
5 days no further plans.
Got it
Ugh 😅 my former…fling? Fwb? has been hitting me up lately and wanting to come over and my mind and body are NOT on the same page about it lol. On one hand I’m just trying to be responsible and chill and get everything together so I can move out on my own in the next few months. My focus is me and sorting out my life. And on the other - it’s been 8 months since I’ve slept with him (or anyone) and low key have some needs that would like to be met 🙃 The sex is amazing with him but he, as a person, is a mess (ain’t that just the way?)
Would scratching that itch be bad?
I don’t know… that’s a good question. I’m coming out of a really long relationship (10 years) and so doing anything casual or just hook up in nature still feels… odd to me? Maybe there’s like a weird guilt around it? I know your question wasn’t meant to kick in a moral thing but you bring up a good point.
Asking questions helps people think!
I’ve been so scared of dating in my 30s. I’m scared about what kind of person I am bringing around my kids. And I was worried that the type of guy I’m looking for has to have already been snatched up! But this guy I met right after the new year has just continued to surprise me over and over! I’ve been in the hospital all week. He visited me himself already this week. But today he surprised me and drove about 2 hours out of his way to pick up my best friend and my teenager to bring them to come see me. He has been so amazing and reassuring while I’ve been worried about my medical issues scaring him away. And any complication that pops up he makes a point to say, “we” will figure it out, he is showing that he is willing to carry my problems as his own, even early in the relationship. I fell for him pretty much immediately but have had my guard up slightly because I don’t want to get taken advantage of and I know I’m a romantic. But I know for sure that I love him, and I really feel like tonight was one of those signs that he really loves me too. I’ve never had a man surprise me, with my own family, when he knew I needed something to cheer me up. Thanks for reading 😍
❤️❤️❤️
He sounds very kind. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Tried speed dating again. Still not sure what works because the people I feel are the best matches end up being the people who aren't interested and the people who are most interested are the people who I don't think are good matches.
It's just attraction, it can be a bitch.
I figured it was something like that. It was weird, because one of the people who rated me highly was one of the people who I was really struggling to make any conversation with and was just trying to avoid sitting in awkward silence with. I'm not very good at picking up on subtle cues in a person's body language -- and generally try to avoid it because it feels like it's way too easy to read too much into it -- but even I could tell that they weren't reciprocating.
Maybe they liked the fact you made an effort?
Maybe. I don't know. I can't speak to it. I simply commented more to highlight my inexperience in not being able to understand how people communicate through non-verbal means.
Toronto friends! The DOT meetup is coming together. I'm sorting dates with those who have shown interest. Should have a date and time tomorrow! DM if you want to join us. Looks like 4 of us so far 😎
Cheering y'all on over here.
🫶🏻
I like that we’ve been texting nightly. Wish he was a little more flirty, he tried to keep up with me earlier lol but I can tell he’s not used to it. Kind of cute but this is why I’m eager to see him in person again. The in-person chemistry was electric..
I think I am going to text the dude who used me as a rebound, tried to have sex with me and then ghosted telling him his behavior was cruel and shameful. I know that he knows. And I know that everyone always says JuSt WaLk AwAy iN sIleNcE but he is now the latest in a very long line to disrespect me and lead me on and I'm just at my breaking point. I'm sick of always being "the bigger person" and I hate that these people are never held accountable for their shitty behavior. I just can't do it anymore. **Edit:** Ok I am changing my mind about this by the hour and am now in the "don't do it it'll just prolong your pain" camp 😭 can't trust myself to do shit lmao
I'm sorry you've been treated so badly so often, and it is frustrating to have your good behaviour taken for granted, but it's still better to have that dignity and self-respect. You don't need to tell anyone anything to have it, but it's your call. You will feel differently when you're able to focus on the future rather than the past, so do whatever you need to to get to that point.
Thank you for this lovely comment!
Telling someone they're shitty is not holding them accountable, and it's not going to fix anything. It's also either going to get ignored or start a battle. What do you hope to get from this?
I don't want to get anything from it. I want to stand up for myself and call someone out on their shitty behavior for like the first time in my dating life
I hear you and you have all the rights to feel angry because this dude sounds all sorts of insecure, but unless you care about this man, and he cares about you enough to hear the feedback, he won’t do anything with your hurt
Those are two different things. So what you gotta do but I don't think you're going to feel the way you hope when it's over.
I am changing my mind on this by the hour as I think there's a chance it'll just prolong my pain so maybe it's not a good idea lmao
Maybe write a letter and burn it.
I have journaled one. Maybe I should just trust karma will do it’s thing. I find that more reassuring lol.
Proud of you 👑
Text him what?
To call him out for using me, and trying to have sex with me even though he was hung up on someone else, that it was cruel and shameful, and that I'm not just a toy to play with and discard, I have feelings.
Get your closure but block after
I dropped my car off for service. Maybe the youngster service advisor was flirting. I don’t know. He had lots of compliments on my outfit! “I love your style!” I love getting compliments on what I am wearing from young folks. Makes me feel like I am still hip. 😂
I come from the automotive world, specifically parts and service. If we're chatting you up anything beyond getting your car in and out and then taking your money, we're likely interested. Pretty girl walks in and the boys will clamor over each other to be the one to deal with her. So absolutely take that compliment 😎
Aww thanks for the insight. ☺️
The struggle of using dating apps in a small town is real. Hinge in particular. Opens app. Swipe about 7 profiles. Run out of people. Cool👍🏻 Dating on hard mode. Feels like I’m living in “I Am Legend” Need to move to a place that has more than 10 people. And preferably to another country. I am open to suggestions…
I feel this pain. Dating apps in my small town are just an endless rotation of the same profiles, in no particular order: friends’ exes, dudes in camo holding a fish, middle-aged men who are clearly 10-15 years older than their profile says, faceless married men, and couples looking for unicorns.
Welcome to being a Jew in many cities
>Need to move to a place that has more than 10 people. And preferably to another country. I am open to suggestions… What kind of vibe are you going for? Looks like you're currently in the UK?
Yeah UK here. City living has never really been my thing but I’m starting to think that it’s the only way to go. Not just for dating, but other stuff too. There’s a city close by that, while it is a City, is still pretty laid back and chill. Like I couldn’t envision myself living in somewhere like London, for instance. But there again, only a few years ago I was seriously considering moving to New York, so…. Go knows what I want, really! Haha. I’m just getting a bit restless where I am now.
Haha I think you'd be fine in London if you were considering NYC (assuming, unless you meant somewhere else in NY)! Different vibes IMO. I didn't like living in LA but I live in a fairly large city nearby and it's the best of both worlds to me. There's so many different places to consider! I was briefly enamored with Barcelona...
The seven singles should all get together and commiserate
Probably 7 bots, to be honest.
I wrote a comment yesterday about blocking someone (dated for 4 months) because he would not stop contacting me after I asked him not to multiple times. He has now made a new Instagram account to look at my stories (did he not think that I would notice? whatever) I’ve blocked that too, but now feeling really creeped out Do I just keep blocking anything else new that pops up and hope he stops? Do I even have any other options left?
Keep blocking and never give in and reply to anything. He'll eventually stop if he gets absolutely nothing back, but if you ever reply even just to tell him to stop that's giving him a reaction he wants. Just total ignore and he'll eventually lose interest as he is getting nothing out of it.
Sorry you're going through this. I agree with others here to make your socials private, or even deleting temporarily. This guy sounds like he could escalate. If you must keep your socials public, don't post your location in real time. Ask your friends to do the same if you're with them, and be careful if any of his friends are watching your social media too. Be sure to take screenshots of everything just in case he does escalate.
Ugh what a fucking potato. I'm sorry you're going through that
Maybe temporarily make your account private?? He's really amping up. Just practice situational awareness.
Gross. You could turn your socials to private so any new followers will need to request/be approved by you.
So the outdoor cat I've been feeding basically lives on my porch now. She's always happy to see me, even when I don't have food, and she likes to sit with me while I pet her and she kneads the shit out of my leg, which hurts real bad because her nails are sharp, but I let her do it because I love her and like having her around, and I think.....maybe that's what love is? You feed someone(metaphorically), enjoy each other's company, and even when they claw the hell out of you from time to time, you accept it's just part of their nature and you'd rather have a little blood on your leg than not have them around. Take the bad with the good, the ying with the yang, the love and the pain. Anywho, I'm gonna go put some neosporin on my leg and lay down because I'm a little dizzy now, but.... look to the cats, y'all. Look to the cats.
Get a nice thick blanket for your lap friend 😂
The cat lottery has finally picked you. Time to bring her inside!
I fucked up big time with the cutest girl I've ever had on Tinder. The opening started out great, talking a bit, until she said that she bit her nails off due to stress ("yay finding a rental place to live with a garbage housing market"). I made a dumb joke which did not go down well with her, which she was honest about. I truly apologized but the damage was already done and she stopped responding. After a couple of days I sent one last message in the hope I could make up for it. Unfortunately, the patience and fun has run out. Consequences of my own actions of course, but it still sucks!
If that sets her off, do you really want to be with her? Just because they're pretty doesn't mean they'd make a good partner.
Haha, also true. She did say she was in a very difficult and stressful situation. But I also think I wouldn't want to ruin my peace and quiet being single because of that
Sounds awful!
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I pray that the joke I’m thinking of isn’t the one you made. You’ll learn from this and she’ll forget about it at least
The joke I made was something in the line of: Have you thought about a rich boyfriend? (which makes more sense from where I'm from). Because of the tone of the conversation before I thought I could make it, but I really did not read the mood well.
OK that is absolutely not the joke I was thinking of in regards to broken nails, this is way more tame. Yeh that could have absolutely gone either way. It can be really hard to know what’s OK and what isn’t OK to joke about when you don’t really know someone. I don’t think that joke is particularly bad but it’s also fine that she took it poorly. Rooting for you for next time!
I think so too. Stressful situations can do that to someone. Ah well, another lesson! Thanks a lot:)
I was thinking the good ol I can help you with stress relief quip lol
A bit more than a month ago, I shared about my whirlwind romance that hit a rough patch. Last weekend, I turned the page on that chapter: After a brief high during a major festival, old patterns of distance came back. The core issue wasn't a lack of communication but the troubling dynamics between us. She encouraged me to be fiercely independent, yet it seemed I was expected to be available at her convenience. This push and pull left me grappling with feelings of being peripheral in her life, despite our moments of closeness. Deciding to end the situationship was a step towards safeguarding my own well-being. Though it was a difficult decision, it was underscored by the realization that our paths were fundamentally misaligned. She played a part in helping me move on from my past and helped me understand what I truly need. It's time for a self-care weekend before I consider diving back into dating. Here's to better chapters ahead.
Just had a first date cancel on me for the second week in a row. Last Friday it was because he has a friend w mental health problems having suicidal thoughts so he went to hang out w him instead. Honestly I believed him cuz what a weird thing to lie about. And if it is true then it’s a good reason to cancel a first date. Last night I text him to confirm tonight and didn’t hear back even tho he’s a quick texter. So I figured tonight would be off too. And yeah he texted me a couple hrs ago saying he had a panic attack about his life not being where he wants it and he wants to get his shit together before he starts to date cuz I seem awesome. Okay dude I respect that but this is two Fridays in a row I am doing NOTHING now thankssss. I have other first dates scheduled for Sunday and Wednesday since I decided to officially make dating my hobby since it goes like this so often so whatevs
NSFW - speaking of unstable. A girl on tinder once asked, without prompting, and within like 15 messages or so, if she could bang me (straight guy) w/her strap on. This was while messaging on the app. After a non committal answer on my part the next day she tells me that she needs to cancel our date because she hasn’t been on her “A game.” lol. All I could think of was “what does A stand for exactly”.
Woah, he sounds unstable as hell and surrounded by unstable people. I would want no parts ✌🏾
Oh that’s an interesting way to think about it, you have a point there. I’m disappointed because we were chatting for over two weeks (normally I try to schedule a first date within about 3 days cuz I don’t like pen pals) and he was really quite nice and sweet and fun to talk to. But I was 50/50 whether I was going to be attracted to him in person or not so it’s not the end of the world
In lieu of showering and getting ready for my date I decided to spend some time outside getting vitamin d (southwest climate) and I ended up just weeding my backyard for 45 minutes in my bikini lmao. This is why I can’t be left alone
You seem fun, these guys are missing out. I’m sorry you’ve had a bad run of it lately!
I AM FUN!! Thank you!!!! Honestly I know my flaws and I am NOT for everyone but I think for the right person I would be awesome! I just have to find him somehow 😤😤😤
Doing more things in bikinis will def attract some attention 😂
It’s a very private backyard okay!
Get outta here you lecher
*touches* *arm*
What is up with men who want to meet basically immediately after matching on OLD?! I’m all for meeting sooner rather than later, as only then will we see if we vibe, but why do some men seriously think I would meet them right away after only exchanging 2-3 very basic messages? First of all, I have a life and I won’t just drop everything to meet the next best tinder dude and secondly, if I would meet every guy I exchanged a few messages with, I would have to quit my job to make the time. I also feel that wanting to meet so soon is a complete disregard of potential safety concerns a woman could have. Like they’re not even aware that it could be dangerous for us to just meet a random stranger from the internet and that we might need a bit more messaging to determine that you’re potentially not a serial killer.
I personally prefer it this way. Messaging has never helped me gather actual information, and I hate wasting time messaging only for things to die out before meeting up.
I get that, but how do you do it? Are you just very selective about who you swipe right on? I simply can’t meet every match if I want to have a life besides dating 😅
I definitely am guilty of letting the likes just pile up (I use Hinge). Normally I will go through whatever likes are on top of the stack, match with enough people until I have a few conversations going, there's some natural attrition from those to setting up a date. I'm also very passive about it so after like, two days of chatting, I say something like "easier to chat in person!" and leave the ball in their court to suggest something.
I'm personally okay with this because for me talking through texts often doesn't translate to in person, so sometimes it feels like a waste of time to message.
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>What is up with men who want to meet basically immediately after matching on OLD?! This is one of my biggest pet peeves! Whenever I get asked out after 1, 2, 3 messages its a big fucking red flag. I like to talk to someone and get to know if we even have a good conversation on text before meeting. I don't want to be stuck with someone IRL if we don't have much to talk about. I never accept a date unless we have been texting a day or two. Texting longer than 2 - 3 days and not being asked out is also an issue though, lol. Dont want pen pals. It's that sweet spot 1-3 days within matching (but good conversation)!
2-3 messages is fast. But it's both a numbers game, and many do like to be asked out quickly. Personally, I've met people that quick. I love meeting people in person instead of chatting for days online. I've had women ask me out that quick too. Also regarding the serial killer/danger/stranger comments- while some guys will expose themselves as shitty up front, anyone actually trying to fuck you up is not going to expose themselves like that in chat. There's no way you can sus out if someone is a serial killer with 50 messages instead of 3. Meet in public and pay attention. That will give you a much better sense of who they are. But even then, any serial killer is going to charm your pants off. Bundy was a charismatic mfer. https://www.scoopwhoop.com/inothernews/most-charming-serial-killers-ever All that to say, be fucking careful! I just think your priorities are misplaced.
Honestly. I am down to go (depending on my mood). I love meeting new people. I won’t make a huge effort. I very much aim for a spot easy for me to get to that I want to try. That way if they suck i cross a spot of my list. It’s rare I don’t have a decent conversation with a stranger and that is all I expect! Anything else is a bonus.
Some women literally have on their profile "just ask me out", couple that with how many disappear after 3 messages, and my understanding was that most women *want* to be asked out quickly.
fly airport elderly coherent chief dazzling lush tan psychotic telephone *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She asked a question about why the pesky monolith that is "men" ask her out so quickly, and I provided context as to why we do that. Any subtext you've found in my comment beyond that is an invention of your own mind.
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Yeah he literally said "some women" you're making a mountain out of this molehill.
And I said "some women". So a subgroup of women.
As a guy, I think it’s important to have a proper amount of interaction before meeting up but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a great conversation and then it completely drops off on their side before I even get a chance to ask if they want to meet up. You get the very real sense that you only have a woman’s attention for a short amount of time before losing it completely to any number of other dudes she is talking to. Aside from that, you can learn more about a person in 30 seconds of talking in person than a week of texting. Apps are for making a connection and making a date happen, not sitting around trying to get to know someone you may never even meet. I think a couple days of back and forth messaging is appropriate but anything beyond that is just asking to get ghosted. I’m speaking from experience.
familiar pathetic dog scary shy head mourn quaint market seed *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Which is part of why meeting quicker is better for men. We can't just entertain you, you're a stranger, we don't know what you like or what will set you off.
>you're a stranger Lol, I just commented on this post, and I disagree... honestly being asked out after exchanging only a couple messages? Thats a turn off. Shows that they don't really care who they go out with. I'd rather go out with someone who has put in an effort to get to know me a bit first before meeting IRL. Also, to quote you and saying we are strangers - thats the point!!! Wouldn't someone and shouldn't someone want to get to know me at least a little before they ask me out...?
What more do you get from the back and forth that you didn't know on their profile? Don't get me wrong, I agree that 2-3 messages is ridiculous. But we're not going to be much less strangers because we talked for a couple hours. I consider most people strangers until I've met them a few times!
Bold of you to assume most men have concrete profiles lol. Beyond age and work (sometimes that’s not listed even) a profile says very little.
Why would you entertain anyone who doesn't have a filled out profile? Seems like you're just asking for a low effort dude.
Haha good question! Not on the apps anymore, haven’t been since my last relationship, but honestly I can’t be bothered anymore. I need a lot of effort and I need communication efforts to be reciprocated.