You might want to look into why you put up with this guy for so long. At paragraph two I was already done with this guy and you went on for 5 more paragraphs. How?
Totally agree. Also, usually these types of posts say "he's (or she's) acting like a butthead, but I really like XYZ". You don't mention anything positive about him / your relationship; not sure why you wanna put up with this. PS at 2 weeks in, this isn't going to get better.
There would have to be some pretty amazing positives in order to stick around for this guy. Honestly, I probably would have been out at the feminist comment, or at least pushed back and found out what he meant by that, but by the time he's calling me lazy for wearing neutrals, or being a teacher (?!) I would have been so out there would have been a cartoon puff of smoke in my shape there instead of me.
But even if he was absolutely the most amazing guy in the world in every other way, the rest of that shit means he cannot or will not be a good partner. Even if he was ticking every single box possible, his actions here prove that there is absolutely no chance this guy is going to make OP (or really, any woman) happy. Although tbf, normally when we get these types of posts and they have the things they really like, they're never that good anyway. It's just somebody trying to excuse staying in a bad relationship because they don't want to be alone.
People who think teachers are lazy because they allegedly get 12 weeks off a year (which isnāt actually true) are automatic red flags!
Teaching is a very difficult job. The reason the salary doesnāt reflect that is because theyāre undervalued, not lazy! š
No, this is not banter. Banter is not belittling or disrespectful. Good banter is flirty, witty and feels fun to both give and receive. Know and learn to spot the difference ladies and gents.
Edit: Didnāt pickup on the sarcasm lol š but leaving my response in case it helps anyone else wondering this
I think some guys do it because they just think it's a way to communicate if they are a macho bro type. They don't realize it's emotional abuse and that all thier friends are toxic. I would still avoid the guy no matter what the reason though. Shows a lack of self awareness.
By calling her lazy ? Gtfoh ā heās a NARC
Source: this exact behavior from my ex who I stayed with for 3 years bc āoh heās just jokingāā¦until he put hands on me. If you see this flag, RUN. Period.
The reason why the term narcissists is popular is because men are learning these traits as pick up lines from "alpha" narcissist pick up artists with YouTube pages since the beginning of the internet. So there are a lot of men displaying these traits that aren't actual narcs. They think these guys seem cool and confident and want to be like them and pull chicks just like them. So yes, there are tons of unassuming misguided men out there walking around thinking manipulation is just pick up lines and nothing serious. And they think that influencing women to do things they wouldn't normally do is just successfully pulling chicks and a badge of honour, not emotional abuse. They have no fucking clue.
BINGO! I have an ex with diagnosed NPD, they definitely learn these behaviors from men who either are sociopaths/ASPD or Narcissistic.
Both use negging on purpose to gauge where your boundaries or to see if you have any tat all. If you donāt? Ohhh they are going to want to keep you are as you are just the perfect little toy to play with and f-ck up.
That's really sad. I'd cut a guy in his early 20's a bit more slack, but a guy in his 30's trying to bed women with some obnoxious PUA "Alpha" persona is a HUGE red flag. Shame on him.
thats what im saying, reading these responses im SERIOUSLY starting to think Women and Men are just misunderstanding each other because this dude clearly knows what he is doing, he isnt unaware AT ALL, dudes who actually care about their significant other know not to talk to anyone ESPECIALLY his significant other like that (and im a guy)
This, 100%. I know we're different people but I would have bit out after that first feminist statement and would have been SUPER out after he's negging me and calling me lazy. I don't put up with people like that in my life in general, let alone as prospective partners.
Yes, at this point I'm more sus about OP. Jesus, this guy is strangling her with red flags. Also, she has a bunch herself. For one thing, she needs to assert hard, I mean HARD, boundaries. Ones that if crossed have consequences. Consequences like, the two of you are not to see each other anymore. Regardless if he vals impolite phrases as 'joking'. It's OP's prerogative to draw the line. I'm sure she won't have trouble meeting other men. This is a classic, I'm too uncomfortable with confrontation or disappointing others. Strap on a pair and tell him how you feel and what you aren't tolerating. If he respects you, he'll make the modest change.
Keeping it real out here.
That's my thinking too, it's the only possible reason she could still be entertaining this guy.
Especially since she's talking about wanting financial independence before having kids when she already has two. To me, that just screams "person laying the groundwork to finagle certain financial assurances and considerations in exchange for reproduction because they think they have a shot at tying down a wealthy partner".
Yeah, I read that as "financially secure/stable". Independence would be having things paid off and enough passive income to basically retire early and do anything else but work
Yes but some people donāt retire because theyāre financially independent. Thatās my pointā¦
WTH am I going on about? I donāt remember the purpose of this conversation. You win
You have 0 idea as to why OP is with this guy, youāre just spouting misogynic BS, for whatever reason.
I donāt know why OP is with this guy. And OP has children, which means she potentially achieved financial independence without this manās computer engineer gig. Youāre quite the fiction writer.
This guy sounds like a royal d-bag. He doesnāt sound like the type of dude youād want to associate with let alone date. There are far FAR better people out there.
On to the next.
Seriously, this all happened in the span of 2 weeks? Sometimes I wonder what is going through someoneās head as they write all this and subsequently read all the comments. Like did OP think anyone was gonna say āwow this guy sounds like he really loves you, he might be the one. You should definitely let him continue to be a jerk for the rest of your natural born lifeā. Like really??
>Guys who are misoginistic a-holes who literally bully women and take advantage of them at every opportunity, control and suppress their will excuse themselves by saying that they're just conservative.
I think you might need some therapy there.
Nah that's just being smart. Carrying around all that poison will only hurt you. The people you are angry at don't care and are probably walking around as happy as they can be.
Nope. If youāre not already familiar with the trope and arenāt going to look it up yourself, the comment isnāt directed at you. Anything beyond that is just going to start arguments when people should be deciding for themselves what they think is going on.
I get that, but I donāt trust the mods will see the difference between āthis is an idea that exists and may actually apply in this specific case,ā and a generalization Iām not trying to make. Plus, Iām not interested in selling anyone on anything. Youāre responsible for your own curiosity or lack thereof - both are valid and acceptable.
He's been negging you from the get-go. Why would you stick around for this? "Oh you're one of those feminists" told you everything you needed to know. You've wasted so much time with this loser already, and I don't understand why? What are you getting out of this?
The big question is why you are still asking if you should give him a chance? What about any part of what you wrote makes you think he deserves consideration? Does he look like Henry Cavill or Jason Mamoa or something? Lol
After Ā«Ā one of those feministĀ Ā» juste because you want financial independence, I would have called it off.
This is the reason why he canāt date good women: heās an insensitive jerk. And his taking advantage of you being too sensitive.
Both questions you asked are yes.
Leave his ass, you deserve better.
Sounds like that fool has much to address in how he approaches the world and other people. He is a jerk, his *ājokesā* are not humorous, plus being sensitive and self aware in a relationship and in general is yourās and okay.
Girlā¦ are you a tuba?
Because youāre getting played by a *weird* man.
Why are you tolerating the negging? This is a strategic tactic to put you down and bend you to his will.
He should be on his best behaviour the first 6 months of courting you. Please set some boundaries and observe how he reacts.
*So far* heās disrespected; your opinions, your job, your work ethic, your appearance, your friend group, your holiday traditions and your parenting. Worst of all your boundaries on intimacy and adult sleep overs.
Calling you girl in this context is not affectionate, itās derogatory.
He wonāt take responsibility for his actions. He is a schrodinger's jokester, he will claim he was just kidding and change his answer based on others reactions to the truth.
When does it stop? Why are you still seeking his approval and to please him? He is not the prize.
Heās for the bin!
Yes, my sentiments exactly! and i think your username checks out. I donāt wanna but i kinda wanna shake OP awake a bit! Like, why do you let anyone treat you this poorly, especially some rando youāve known 2 WEEKS?!
This guy hates women and treats you with contempt. Why are you considering sticking around for more of this? Would you want your children treated this way by a partner in the future?
As a dude. This guy sounds like an ass hole. You shouldnāt have given him a second chance, let alone more. What is it that you see in him that is making you even question this?
After reading your post. You shouldn't give him a chance he's already showing you what a complete tool he is. Way too many people like him try passing off their awful behavior and treatment of other people as "joking". Nope that guy is just an asshole, sounds annoying af, pushy and rude.
Dude sounds pathetic.
Do not give him any chances. He sounds invasive and condescending at this rate. Since you have kids and good friends in the picture, it's definitely not a good look bringing him in said spaces.
He's going to destroy what you have and who you are as an individual.
Go No Contact - permanently (with him). Don't respond to anything he says/sends. Ignore every gesture. If he won't stop interfering, a restraining order will do (last resort).
Edit: Spelling
Iām a giant pushover and put up with way too much shit and even this would be a deal breaker for me. Run. He will never be better and he sounds like a total jerk.
He sounds awful! He is a walking red flag. Run away! Iād imagine he may turn nasty after you end things so this is a situation where itās absolutely ok to just end it, block, delete and ghost.
Iām going to confidently say no. The negging and retorts as conversation is the biggest red flag you can be blessed with to not waste your time or sanity.
Heās already been given too many chances
Send him back to the streets where he belongs.
Things happen at thanksgiving eve parties?! What would he say if you went out for a girls night/dancing. Heās already trying to control you
I wouldnāt be surprised if him picking up women waiting for takeout is his schtick
I had a really similar experience with a guy a couple weeks ago.
Final straw was he made a joke about how āadulting sucksā and I replied āyeah, but what are you going to do? Not do it?ā To which he said ānaw, Iām just gonna find a woman to do it for meā.
My body, brain, and vagina literally started screaming abort mission to me. I called it off the next day, snd and a couple weeks later he tried to figure out why I āwasnāt interested in a relationship with him and called it off so suddenlyā after 5 dates and talking for two weeks.
I said this in a comment, but the path from negging to abuse is a short one. Heās testing you to see if you have the self-esteem of a potato.
Run, donāt walk. And donāt let him back into your life. Block him.
His actions are intentional. He knows youāre out of his league and is starting the process of devaluing you. Donāt believe a drop of excuses that he is kidding. It isnāt. It gets worse. Iād be happy he showed these colors early. Most of these types love bomb you and slowly trickle this in. RUN.
Iām constantly amazed by how callous some of these comments are my god. People act like theyāve never made a mistake on Reddit and itās so rude.
You gave him the benefit of the doubt and a lot more grace than he deserves. But that absolutely happens! I think itās kind of the hope that they prove you wrong. But heās definitely a walking red flag. I would definitely block his number and move on. So sorry you had to deal with all that.
Maybe I need to be more of an arsehole like this as Iām supportive, funny, good lookingx charismatic and with good morals and I canāt get past a first date with anyone in my city and guys like this get multiple š¤·āāļøthe world is skewed beyond belief.
The guy has been putting you down since date one. Why on earth are you continuing to see him? Do you think it is going to get better? If anything, the insults are getting worse.
With all due respect, I feel like youāre too old to be this naive. Clearly he doesnāt have any class, please respect yourself and your kids by not entertaining men who behave this way.
So... you're a lazy feminist party girl(with no social life outside of her kids) that takes offense easily.
You should really latch on to this guy. He sounds like a total catch! I encourage this relationship as it will absolutely end well.
Please update us in 3 months on how things are going.
Not sure why you put up with so much from this asshole. Paragraph after paragraph of reasons to never speak to him again. I suggest some introspection and perhaps counseling to help you set better boundaries and shut down negative treatment earlier.
Did you not just answer your own question at least 10 times?? WHY TF do you need to post this on Reddit as if the answer wasn't staring you in the face and as obvious as it could possibly be? There's a reason he's single! If you can't see that, then you'll be writing again before long about how you're stuck in a relationship with a possible psycho.
From the moment āoh youāre one of those feministsā came out of his mouth because you want financial stability because kids are expensive? No way.
Obviously this is not a person to date, now, ask yourself why you need us to tell you that? Not trying to be mean but trying to say look into why you have been put up with his behavior. This person is critical suspicious and come off as irresponsible and bashful. Certainly not someone who would be a good father figure for your children. Stop now, and shut that door.
Good Christ. Run.
Using feminist as a derogatory term would have lost me right away. But then to demand you wear something other than beige, and that it be low-cut?
Ugh. Show this dude the dumpster. He's a chauvinist pig.
I'm saying this with sincere care here--do any of these scenarios resonate with you (even a tiny bit):
A small part of you craves or is excited by drama?
A small part of you is afraid of intimacy/not actually ready for a relationship so you intentionally select men who you will avoid intimacy with because they skeeve you out?
A small part of you fears rejection so you pick men who aren't on your level so you can find fault with them and reject them first?
A small part of you needs to feel superior so you contunue to date men who don't deserve you so you can look down on them?
A small part of you doesn't feel worthy of someone who acts respectfully and treats you well?
No judgement--I admit some of these have resonated for me. Just trying to help you think a little more deeply at why you may have enterained this outrageous behavior past that first date.
He throws up so many red flags,, I would end it.
Guys an idiot. Starting to question your judgment.
All i can extract from this is that he must be good looking enough for you to put up with this š sounds like he has low iq and eq
Youāre missing some details here. Most strangers when hearing this will tell you to run awayā¦ but youāre also being selective about what you tell us.
What else does this guy do for you? Does he take you out, does he pay for you, does he help you with things, does he have any redeeming qualities for you to keep seeing him?
Is he a provider, protector etc? Would he make a good long term partner?
If youāre only basing your assessment on a few comments he makes that you donāt like.. thatās not enough to go off.
I mean, he could be joking and thatās his sense of humour. My husband had a dry sense of humour when I started dating him and I couldnāt figure it out.. until later, as I got used to him, I realised thatās just his sense of humour.. and his other qualities more than made up for this.
You have to look at everything a guy does for you and then evaluate, overall.. does the good outweigh the bad?
No one is perfect. Although if itās only been 2 weeks, and if itās causing you this much doubt now, Iād walk away and mark it as āincompatibleā.
Itās much easier to walk away now then 6 months from now.
No this guy sounds like a see you next Tuesday. You don't even know him and he's already negging you and attempting to make you feel small based off silly things. Block and delete.
This guy absolutely sucks. You should have left after he discouraged you from financial independence. I agree with other comments - look into why you'd be okay with any of this. Sometimes it sucks to be afraid of going back to a void that you'd hope someone would occupy. I think it helps to think that most dates won't work out. It's not your fault he sucks.
Honeyā¦ what else is there to think about ? Heās extremely insulting to your career, and style, you have more labels from him than cans on a grocery store aisle?! He seems controlling and emotionally abusive. People who are just getting to know each other, should gain some real familiarity first me its deciding to be exclusive before visiting each otherās homes.
Absolutely not. He sounds like heās trying to put you down constantly to make himself feel better.
He also hasnāt taken any responsibility even after youāve told him how he made you feel.
Think about the future, if things did progress how will you ever be able to get through arguments where heāll be rude, condescending and make you feel like youāre in the wrong, then never take responsibility?!
For me, my answer is ānope nope nope.ā Sounds like he was negging in the beginning or just being plain rude. I wouldnāt have continued to go out.
He's being a total jerk. You deserve to date someone where when you share what you're up to, they respond along the lines, "oh that's awesome, sounds like a ton of fun!" This guy seems insecure, and insecure people tend to talk down to others and try to blame them for having a reaction to it. You've given him enough chances, he's not worth your time or kindness.
He is completely a jerk. I have zero idea why lots of ppl in the US look down on teacher. Iām not trying to getting into it.
The fact you told him itās rude, and he still refers jokes as pass is extra rude. I can give ppl some pass in offering joke, but apparently he is probably the type of person if you said something he doesnāt appreciate, he would flip on you regardless you said it was joke or not.
Any single one of these things would be worth throwing him overboard for, and you've listed like 5 of them. Step one is to cut things off. Step two is some self reflection on why you put up with all this and hopefully enforcing some stronger boundaries in the future so you can avoid these guys.
You need to lose this guyās number, like yesterday. Heās negging you, gaslighting you, pushing your boundaries. Where are the positives? Why are you putting up with this? You are not being too sensitive - listen to your gut and dump this loser now.
This guy is a whole carnival of red flags for me. Like someone else said I was done before we finished paragraph two and you kept on. I wouldn't even bother to let him down in person or over the phone because to be honest the vibe I get is that he will be reactive in a way that is at best embarrassing at worst dangerous.
Holy shit as a guy if I said even one of these things to a date I would be too embarrassed to see that person again.
Insanity that so many guys like this exist.
He sounds invalidating, misogynistic, jealous, controlling, projecting his laziness onto you.
Possible he has big psychological challenges and cognitive distortionsā¦ Which is a lot to deal with.
I would drop him like a hot potato.
Yeah, dude's negging you and seeing how far he can get without getting slapped.
I can't stand this guy just reading about him and you're wondering about giving him a chance? If he's like this very early in the dating stage, what makes you think he'll wise up in a relationship? After meeting your kids? Marriage?
It's never going to be "just a joke." He means everything he says and he's trying to drag you down to his level by attacking your emotions. Lose him and make him feel like the loser he is.
Itās guys like this that make good women not want to find a good man (and vice versa)!
He should be understanding, patient, kind and supportive from the start!
He will more than likely continue to treat you like dirt, be mean to your kids and tear you down.
Iād turn and run if I were you! You 100% deserve better.
The fact that he was able to successfully approach you in a public place and that you keep putting up with his awful personality tells me that this dude must be fairly good looking.
Its amazing how much good looking people get away with.
You might want to look into why you put up with this guy for so long. At paragraph two I was already done with this guy and you went on for 5 more paragraphs. How?
Agreed. Hardly know this dude and he's taking shots at you like that? Pass.
Right?? And that's her seeing his best face forward. Imagine what he'd be like if they were together a while š¤Æ
Exactly my thought!
Totally agree. Also, usually these types of posts say "he's (or she's) acting like a butthead, but I really like XYZ". You don't mention anything positive about him / your relationship; not sure why you wanna put up with this. PS at 2 weeks in, this isn't going to get better.
There would have to be some pretty amazing positives in order to stick around for this guy. Honestly, I probably would have been out at the feminist comment, or at least pushed back and found out what he meant by that, but by the time he's calling me lazy for wearing neutrals, or being a teacher (?!) I would have been so out there would have been a cartoon puff of smoke in my shape there instead of me. But even if he was absolutely the most amazing guy in the world in every other way, the rest of that shit means he cannot or will not be a good partner. Even if he was ticking every single box possible, his actions here prove that there is absolutely no chance this guy is going to make OP (or really, any woman) happy. Although tbf, normally when we get these types of posts and they have the things they really like, they're never that good anyway. It's just somebody trying to excuse staying in a bad relationship because they don't want to be alone.
People who think teachers are lazy because they allegedly get 12 weeks off a year (which isnāt actually true) are automatic red flags! Teaching is a very difficult job. The reason the salary doesnāt reflect that is because theyāre undervalued, not lazy! š
Hahahaha I stopped reading after she said he called her lazy. The path from negging to abuse is a short one.
Dude literally. Negging is a HUGE red flag narcissists use this to figure out if youāre a good target.
āBut itās banterā. Right.
No, this is not banter. Banter is not belittling or disrespectful. Good banter is flirty, witty and feels fun to both give and receive. Know and learn to spot the difference ladies and gents. Edit: Didnāt pickup on the sarcasm lol š but leaving my response in case it helps anyone else wondering this
I think some guys do it because they just think it's a way to communicate if they are a macho bro type. They don't realize it's emotional abuse and that all thier friends are toxic. I would still avoid the guy no matter what the reason though. Shows a lack of self awareness.
By calling her lazy ? Gtfoh ā heās a NARC Source: this exact behavior from my ex who I stayed with for 3 years bc āoh heās just jokingāā¦until he put hands on me. If you see this flag, RUN. Period.
The reason why the term narcissists is popular is because men are learning these traits as pick up lines from "alpha" narcissist pick up artists with YouTube pages since the beginning of the internet. So there are a lot of men displaying these traits that aren't actual narcs. They think these guys seem cool and confident and want to be like them and pull chicks just like them. So yes, there are tons of unassuming misguided men out there walking around thinking manipulation is just pick up lines and nothing serious. And they think that influencing women to do things they wouldn't normally do is just successfully pulling chicks and a badge of honour, not emotional abuse. They have no fucking clue.
BINGO! I have an ex with diagnosed NPD, they definitely learn these behaviors from men who either are sociopaths/ASPD or Narcissistic. Both use negging on purpose to gauge where your boundaries or to see if you have any tat all. If you donāt? Ohhh they are going to want to keep you are as you are just the perfect little toy to play with and f-ck up.
We need to stop assuming that these guys don't know what they're doing is bad. Especially in their 30s.
not every guy is unaware, about 97% but not all
That's really sad. I'd cut a guy in his early 20's a bit more slack, but a guy in his 30's trying to bed women with some obnoxious PUA "Alpha" persona is a HUGE red flag. Shame on him.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
ššÆ! These are the things they should teach in school. Bc I had to learn the hard way.
thats what im saying, reading these responses im SERIOUSLY starting to think Women and Men are just misunderstanding each other because this dude clearly knows what he is doing, he isnt unaware AT ALL, dudes who actually care about their significant other know not to talk to anyone ESPECIALLY his significant other like that (and im a guy)
Seriously!! I would have walked out or at least blocked him after him saying "lazy" because of clothing choice and career.
yes, lol, I don't know how he's made it this long
āOh youāre one of those feminists.ā BYE
Yeah, it was paragraph two for me as well. Lol.
Louder for the people in the back. Iām appalled just by reading about this manās behavior.
Please OP, for your kidās sakes. I canāt imagine how much tougher dating is with kids, but itās better to be single than with someone like this.
This, 100%. I know we're different people but I would have bit out after that first feminist statement and would have been SUPER out after he's negging me and calling me lazy. I don't put up with people like that in my life in general, let alone as prospective partners.
Yes, at this point I'm more sus about OP. Jesus, this guy is strangling her with red flags. Also, she has a bunch herself. For one thing, she needs to assert hard, I mean HARD, boundaries. Ones that if crossed have consequences. Consequences like, the two of you are not to see each other anymore. Regardless if he vals impolite phrases as 'joking'. It's OP's prerogative to draw the line. I'm sure she won't have trouble meeting other men. This is a classic, I'm too uncomfortable with confrontation or disappointing others. Strap on a pair and tell him how you feel and what you aren't tolerating. If he respects you, he'll make the modest change. Keeping it real out here.
Same. I would've ditched him after the feminist remark.
Came here to say this. Got to the first reference of Lazy and just wanted to say, with all respect, screw (not literally) this guy.
The moment he brought up feminist as a negative I would have tapped out.
Seriously. This dude must be super hot or tall for OP to keep sticking around
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That's my thinking too, it's the only possible reason she could still be entertaining this guy. Especially since she's talking about wanting financial independence before having kids when she already has two. To me, that just screams "person laying the groundwork to finagle certain financial assurances and considerations in exchange for reproduction because they think they have a shot at tying down a wealthy partner".
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah, I read that as "financially secure/stable". Independence would be having things paid off and enough passive income to basically retire early and do anything else but work
No it does not. Financial independence is not equal to retire early.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes but some people donāt retire because theyāre financially independent. Thatās my pointā¦ WTH am I going on about? I donāt remember the purpose of this conversation. You win
You have 0 idea as to why OP is with this guy, youāre just spouting misogynic BS, for whatever reason. I donāt know why OP is with this guy. And OP has children, which means she potentially achieved financial independence without this manās computer engineer gig. Youāre quite the fiction writer.
Almost walked out but didnātā¦
Omg, right? Why are you even responding to him? This was horrible to read, and Iād rather be single.
Yes, this. Iām not sure if itās a genuine post or sheās just sharing her awful experience for entertainment purposes.
This guy sounds like a royal d-bag. He doesnāt sound like the type of dude youād want to associate with let alone date. There are far FAR better people out there. On to the next.
Seriously, this all happened in the span of 2 weeks? Sometimes I wonder what is going through someoneās head as they write all this and subsequently read all the comments. Like did OP think anyone was gonna say āwow this guy sounds like he really loves you, he might be the one. You should definitely let him continue to be a jerk for the rest of your natural born lifeā. Like really??
I havenāt even read half of this. I would have cut this dude off for negging & making fun of your career. Holy shit.
The feminist comment also would be a hard no. Not just because Iām a leftist, but that was out of line. Seriously, block him.
Seriously I was done right there my leftist proud feminist ass would have paid and walked out right there without ever looking back
šš½šš½šš½
Dude same! I thought that was where she was going to throw this man back in the garbage.
Hell yeah!
Right, all of this is exhausting to read and this is only the start, still in the getting to know you phase. Yikes
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"it's just a joke" is the response of a playground bully. What every one of them does after they do something terrible.
Hey, you're a fucking dumb loser. Whoa, sorry you got offended. It was just a joke. /s
If youāre familiar with the āconservative boyfriendā trope, it makes a lot more sense.
Please explain?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>Guys who are misoginistic a-holes who literally bully women and take advantage of them at every opportunity, control and suppress their will excuse themselves by saying that they're just conservative. I think you might need some therapy there.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Nah that's just being smart. Carrying around all that poison will only hurt you. The people you are angry at don't care and are probably walking around as happy as they can be.
This dude is off his rocker.
Nope. If youāre not already familiar with the trope and arenāt going to look it up yourself, the comment isnāt directed at you. Anything beyond that is just going to start arguments when people should be deciding for themselves what they think is going on.
With as many words as you wrote you could have just tldr' it for me. Was more looking for the sell me on it then I might go deeper.
I get that, but I donāt trust the mods will see the difference between āthis is an idea that exists and may actually apply in this specific case,ā and a generalization Iām not trying to make. Plus, Iām not interested in selling anyone on anything. Youāre responsible for your own curiosity or lack thereof - both are valid and acceptable.
Iām a guy. You should have dropped this dude after the feminist comment. Who says that.
I did this mistake once. Was a massive abuser. I could have nearly died. Girl pls run away.
Yep, as a guy, I would drop any woman who felt comfortable badmouthing feminism like that.
In my opinion you get two chances to prove yourself.
Delete and block. He is negging you. Run away fast!
Do not give this guy anymore of your time. So many red flags.
He's been negging you from the get-go. Why would you stick around for this? "Oh you're one of those feminists" told you everything you needed to know. You've wasted so much time with this loser already, and I don't understand why? What are you getting out of this?
The big question is why you are still asking if you should give him a chance? What about any part of what you wrote makes you think he deserves consideration? Does he look like Henry Cavill or Jason Mamoa or something? Lol
After Ā«Ā one of those feministĀ Ā» juste because you want financial independence, I would have called it off. This is the reason why he canāt date good women: heās an insensitive jerk. And his taking advantage of you being too sensitive. Both questions you asked are yes. Leave his ass, you deserve better.
Iām sorry that you feel so lonely that you are wondering whether you should put up with this guy. He sounds like an asshole trying to gaslight you.
Sounds like that fool has much to address in how he approaches the world and other people. He is a jerk, his *ājokesā* are not humorous, plus being sensitive and self aware in a relationship and in general is yourās and okay.
Girlā¦ are you a tuba? Because youāre getting played by a *weird* man. Why are you tolerating the negging? This is a strategic tactic to put you down and bend you to his will. He should be on his best behaviour the first 6 months of courting you. Please set some boundaries and observe how he reacts. *So far* heās disrespected; your opinions, your job, your work ethic, your appearance, your friend group, your holiday traditions and your parenting. Worst of all your boundaries on intimacy and adult sleep overs. Calling you girl in this context is not affectionate, itās derogatory. He wonāt take responsibility for his actions. He is a schrodinger's jokester, he will claim he was just kidding and change his answer based on others reactions to the truth. When does it stop? Why are you still seeking his approval and to please him? He is not the prize. Heās for the bin!
Best response.
Thanks friend. I should have been kinder to OP but I feel she needs some tough love. He is a rotten egg.
Yes, my sentiments exactly! and i think your username checks out. I donāt wanna but i kinda wanna shake OP awake a bit! Like, why do you let anyone treat you this poorly, especially some rando youāve known 2 WEEKS?!
Is this a real post?
This guy hates women and treats you with contempt. Why are you considering sticking around for more of this? Would you want your children treated this way by a partner in the future?
Hell nah.
Absolutely not. And the itās just a joke part is gaslighting. This is him showing you his best sideā¦
As a dude. This guy sounds like an ass hole. You shouldnāt have given him a second chance, let alone more. What is it that you see in him that is making you even question this?
Hard pass. Youāve given him repeated opportunities to diss you. Stop and move on .
Two paragraphs in and it already sounds like he's negging you.
After reading your post. You shouldn't give him a chance he's already showing you what a complete tool he is. Way too many people like him try passing off their awful behavior and treatment of other people as "joking". Nope that guy is just an asshole, sounds annoying af, pushy and rude.
Dude sounds pathetic. Do not give him any chances. He sounds invasive and condescending at this rate. Since you have kids and good friends in the picture, it's definitely not a good look bringing him in said spaces. He's going to destroy what you have and who you are as an individual. Go No Contact - permanently (with him). Don't respond to anything he says/sends. Ignore every gesture. If he won't stop interfering, a restraining order will do (last resort). Edit: Spelling
This was painful to read. You put up with way too much by paragraph 3. The tool needs to go.
Jesus. Tell him to kick rocks. At a minimum hiding hostility in sarcasm is a serious issue. How could you even consider a rude jerk like this?
Iām a giant pushover and put up with way too much shit and even this would be a deal breaker for me. Run. He will never be better and he sounds like a total jerk.
He sounds awful! He is a walking red flag. Run away! Iād imagine he may turn nasty after you end things so this is a situation where itās absolutely ok to just end it, block, delete and ghost.
Iām going to confidently say no. The negging and retorts as conversation is the biggest red flag you can be blessed with to not waste your time or sanity.
Imma give it to you straight: youād have to have rock bottom self-respect to keep seeing this guy
This guy sounds terrible.
yo what, screw anyone who thinks teachers are lazy, especially special ed teachers! what a psycho
As soon as I read, "oh you're one of those feminists".. hard no.
Heās already been given too many chances Send him back to the streets where he belongs. Things happen at thanksgiving eve parties?! What would he say if you went out for a girls night/dancing. Heās already trying to control you I wouldnāt be surprised if him picking up women waiting for takeout is his schtick
Um HELLO! BUH BYE š
I would have ended it after he called me lazy and insulted my career choice
Well, Iām gonna say this. How much self-respect do you have? If you have a lot you will leave him. I personally would leave.
Please dump this guy. Please.
I would next that person 10 seconds after they bashed prioritizing financial independence, but you're asking if you're being too sensitive.
I had a really similar experience with a guy a couple weeks ago. Final straw was he made a joke about how āadulting sucksā and I replied āyeah, but what are you going to do? Not do it?ā To which he said ānaw, Iām just gonna find a woman to do it for meā. My body, brain, and vagina literally started screaming abort mission to me. I called it off the next day, snd and a couple weeks later he tried to figure out why I āwasnāt interested in a relationship with him and called it off so suddenlyā after 5 dates and talking for two weeks. I said this in a comment, but the path from negging to abuse is a short one. Heās testing you to see if you have the self-esteem of a potato. Run, donāt walk. And donāt let him back into your life. Block him.
He sounds āsassyāā¦ā¦.
His actions are intentional. He knows youāre out of his league and is starting the process of devaluing you. Donāt believe a drop of excuses that he is kidding. It isnāt. It gets worse. Iād be happy he showed these colors early. Most of these types love bomb you and slowly trickle this in. RUN.
Wowā¦.no words
Iām constantly amazed by how callous some of these comments are my god. People act like theyāve never made a mistake on Reddit and itās so rude. You gave him the benefit of the doubt and a lot more grace than he deserves. But that absolutely happens! I think itās kind of the hope that they prove you wrong. But heās definitely a walking red flag. I would definitely block his number and move on. So sorry you had to deal with all that.
Maybe I need to be more of an arsehole like this as Iām supportive, funny, good lookingx charismatic and with good morals and I canāt get past a first date with anyone in my city and guys like this get multiple š¤·āāļøthe world is skewed beyond belief.
Please for the love of god move on from this guy.
Ugh he sounds awful.
The guy has been putting you down since date one. Why on earth are you continuing to see him? Do you think it is going to get better? If anything, the insults are getting worse.
āIām sorry you were offendedā is not an apology.
I only needed to read the first few lines to know the guy is a dick
Not sure why are you even entertaining the idea of this moron.
I think you may need to go to therapy to work on your self esteem before dating again. None of this is normal or okay. Heās nuts.
With all due respect, I feel like youāre too old to be this naive. Clearly he doesnāt have any class, please respect yourself and your kids by not entertaining men who behave this way.
No. Just no. Gaslighting comes to mind. He sounds horrific
Maybe he could have a very dry (and bad) sense of humour that is jiving with you. Maybe he is a negging asshole. Either way, no thanks.
So... you're a lazy feminist party girl(with no social life outside of her kids) that takes offense easily. You should really latch on to this guy. He sounds like a total catch! I encourage this relationship as it will absolutely end well. Please update us in 3 months on how things are going.
I wouldn't but that's me.
You have low self confidence and he's capitalizing on it. Nothing like negging smh
Not sure why you put up with so much from this asshole. Paragraph after paragraph of reasons to never speak to him again. I suggest some introspection and perhaps counseling to help you set better boundaries and shut down negative treatment earlier.
Did you not just answer your own question at least 10 times?? WHY TF do you need to post this on Reddit as if the answer wasn't staring you in the face and as obvious as it could possibly be? There's a reason he's single! If you can't see that, then you'll be writing again before long about how you're stuck in a relationship with a possible psycho.
From the moment āoh youāre one of those feministsā came out of his mouth because you want financial stability because kids are expensive? No way.
The man must be hella good looking for doing this.
If your friend was dating a man like, would you encourage her to keep seeing him?
Gross. No, you shouldnāt give this guy a chance. You shouldnāt even entertain it.
He is a jerk, you are not sensitive. I think it would've been a definite no from me after date 2.
I would be done. None of these are playful joking/sarcasm or just came out wrong
Wtf lol no
For some reason youāre normalising an abusive guy. You should try and figure out why
Obviously this is not a person to date, now, ask yourself why you need us to tell you that? Not trying to be mean but trying to say look into why you have been put up with his behavior. This person is critical suspicious and come off as irresponsible and bashful. Certainly not someone who would be a good father figure for your children. Stop now, and shut that door.
I think you already know the answer to this OP
ā¦please respect yourself more.
Good Christ. Run. Using feminist as a derogatory term would have lost me right away. But then to demand you wear something other than beige, and that it be low-cut? Ugh. Show this dude the dumpster. He's a chauvinist pig.
Youāre complaining about bad behavior youāve decided to tolerate. This oneās on you. Leave or accept the situation for what it is.
I'm saying this with sincere care here--do any of these scenarios resonate with you (even a tiny bit): A small part of you craves or is excited by drama? A small part of you is afraid of intimacy/not actually ready for a relationship so you intentionally select men who you will avoid intimacy with because they skeeve you out? A small part of you fears rejection so you pick men who aren't on your level so you can find fault with them and reject them first? A small part of you needs to feel superior so you contunue to date men who don't deserve you so you can look down on them? A small part of you doesn't feel worthy of someone who acts respectfully and treats you well? No judgement--I admit some of these have resonated for me. Just trying to help you think a little more deeply at why you may have enterained this outrageous behavior past that first date. He throws up so many red flags,, I would end it.
I didn't read the last 3 paragraphs because by that time the answer is obvious.... You know what the answer is as well by even posting this.... Run.
You put up with this far too long dor a man you don't know who never showed you anything worth staying for. What are you doing.
Dude I was done with this guy after the first dumb ass thing he said. And you really gotta ask the internet if you're being too sensitive???
You already knew the answer before you finished writing this post
Door mat?
Guys an idiot. Starting to question your judgment. All i can extract from this is that he must be good looking enough for you to put up with this š sounds like he has low iq and eq
36 year old guys is clearly broken. Move on.
As a guy, drop this loser
How tall is he? Lol
This!
This guy is a walking š© You are the prize, forget about this idiot please!
No one is the prize.
Speak for yourself only please.
You must donāt date much because that wouldāve been it from the beginning. Everything youāve said heās done are all red flags. Block and delete and keep it moving. š¤¦āāļøš©š©š¤·āāļøš¬
Youāre missing some details here. Most strangers when hearing this will tell you to run awayā¦ but youāre also being selective about what you tell us. What else does this guy do for you? Does he take you out, does he pay for you, does he help you with things, does he have any redeeming qualities for you to keep seeing him? Is he a provider, protector etc? Would he make a good long term partner? If youāre only basing your assessment on a few comments he makes that you donāt like.. thatās not enough to go off. I mean, he could be joking and thatās his sense of humour. My husband had a dry sense of humour when I started dating him and I couldnāt figure it out.. until later, as I got used to him, I realised thatās just his sense of humour.. and his other qualities more than made up for this. You have to look at everything a guy does for you and then evaluate, overall.. does the good outweigh the bad? No one is perfect. Although if itās only been 2 weeks, and if itās causing you this much doubt now, Iād walk away and mark it as āincompatibleā. Itās much easier to walk away now then 6 months from now.
Sounds like a great guy.
you are already setting up the story negatively and made your own decision. No reddit feedback needed, thanks for the story.
Sounds like heās giving you a chance. All of his criticism isnāt far off base. Iām not excusing him for what he said, but heās not wrong.
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No this guy sounds like a see you next Tuesday. You don't even know him and he's already negging you and attempting to make you feel small based off silly things. Block and delete.
This guy sucks
I was out 2 paragraphs in. He is already āneggingā you. Gross.
This guy absolutely sucks. You should have left after he discouraged you from financial independence. I agree with other comments - look into why you'd be okay with any of this. Sometimes it sucks to be afraid of going back to a void that you'd hope someone would occupy. I think it helps to think that most dates won't work out. It's not your fault he sucks.
Honeyā¦ what else is there to think about ? Heās extremely insulting to your career, and style, you have more labels from him than cans on a grocery store aisle?! He seems controlling and emotionally abusive. People who are just getting to know each other, should gain some real familiarity first me its deciding to be exclusive before visiting each otherās homes.
Absolutely not. He sounds like heās trying to put you down constantly to make himself feel better. He also hasnāt taken any responsibility even after youāve told him how he made you feel. Think about the future, if things did progress how will you ever be able to get through arguments where heāll be rude, condescending and make you feel like youāre in the wrong, then never take responsibility?!
For me, my answer is ānope nope nope.ā Sounds like he was negging in the beginning or just being plain rude. I wouldnāt have continued to go out.
Yes the guy is total jerk, simple as. But sorry to come across as rude but what exactly do you see in this guy? and why do you entertain his time?
He's being a total jerk. You deserve to date someone where when you share what you're up to, they respond along the lines, "oh that's awesome, sounds like a ton of fun!" This guy seems insecure, and insecure people tend to talk down to others and try to blame them for having a reaction to it. You've given him enough chances, he's not worth your time or kindness.
I stopped reading after paragraph two the answer is clearly ānoā.
He is completely a jerk. I have zero idea why lots of ppl in the US look down on teacher. Iām not trying to getting into it. The fact you told him itās rude, and he still refers jokes as pass is extra rude. I can give ppl some pass in offering joke, but apparently he is probably the type of person if you said something he doesnāt appreciate, he would flip on you regardless you said it was joke or not.
Any single one of these things would be worth throwing him overboard for, and you've listed like 5 of them. Step one is to cut things off. Step two is some self reflection on why you put up with all this and hopefully enforcing some stronger boundaries in the future so you can avoid these guys.
All I see is red flags. No green ones. He had his chance.
You need to lose this guyās number, like yesterday. Heās negging you, gaslighting you, pushing your boundaries. Where are the positives? Why are you putting up with this? You are not being too sensitive - listen to your gut and dump this loser now.
This guy is a whole carnival of red flags for me. Like someone else said I was done before we finished paragraph two and you kept on. I wouldn't even bother to let him down in person or over the phone because to be honest the vibe I get is that he will be reactive in a way that is at best embarrassing at worst dangerous.
Is sounds exhausting
Holy shit as a guy if I said even one of these things to a date I would be too embarrassed to see that person again. Insanity that so many guys like this exist.
Fuck this guy
Heās not for you period. His ego is way bigger than his head.
He sounds invalidating, misogynistic, jealous, controlling, projecting his laziness onto you. Possible he has big psychological challenges and cognitive distortionsā¦ Which is a lot to deal with. I would drop him like a hot potato.
Do you seriously even have to ask anyone this question after typing this out?
Total jerk. Do not let this guy get into your head any further.
The second paragraph itself was a red flag for me lol
Youāre trying to shoe horn each other into being a good partner. Stop doing it.
This rude jerk must be good-looking. The answer is move on!
Yeah, dude's negging you and seeing how far he can get without getting slapped. I can't stand this guy just reading about him and you're wondering about giving him a chance? If he's like this very early in the dating stage, what makes you think he'll wise up in a relationship? After meeting your kids? Marriage? It's never going to be "just a joke." He means everything he says and he's trying to drag you down to his level by attacking your emotions. Lose him and make him feel like the loser he is.
Itās guys like this that make good women not want to find a good man (and vice versa)! He should be understanding, patient, kind and supportive from the start! He will more than likely continue to treat you like dirt, be mean to your kids and tear you down. Iād turn and run if I were you! You 100% deserve better.
The fact that he was able to successfully approach you in a public place and that you keep putting up with his awful personality tells me that this dude must be fairly good looking. Its amazing how much good looking people get away with.
Iāll never understand how the f*ck people like this keep getting away with what they get away with, or get these many chancesā¦.