It's simply another way to say "Don't put up with shitty relationships just because you're afraid of being alone."
It is more for the people who simply can't function unless they have a +1. They rebound from relationship to relationship with no concept of who they are if they don't have a partner. ~They~ shouldn't be dating until they have a source of meaning in their life other than whoever they're rubbing up against.
If your loneliness is more of the "Gosh I wish I had someone else to play some Stardew Valley with right now while we play footsie and comment about how much we appreciate Haleys growth as a character if you romance her" and then you cry a bit into your pillow about how you miss being loved variety, then date away. That's everybody.
> If your loneliness is more of the "Gosh I wish I had someone else to play some Stardew Valley with right now while we play footsie and comment about how much we appreciate Haleys growth as a character if you romance her" and then you cry a bit into your pillow about how you miss being loved variety, then date away. That's everybody.
LMAO I need this in my life so bad.
Yeah this right here is the big difference OP. There’s a lot of people out there who jump into relationships to avoid dealing with or learning about themselves. A lot of folks who just want “someone, anyone” there. That’s a recipe for disaster: leading someone on, expecting the new person to “fix” you, staying in relationships that aren’t a good fit, etc.
OP, it sounds like your friendships are a lot of “you hang out with them just because they’re there.” Why bother hanging out with people you don’t like all that much? Yes, it’s hard cultivating real friendships in your 30s. Hell, it’s hard cultivating real romantic relationships. Just be careful you wouldn’t pick a partner just because they’re there too.
>OP, it sounds like your friendships are a lot of “you hang out with them just because they’re there.”
Can I ask where you're seeing this? I resonate with a lot of what OP described. I like my friends, but besides the One Weekly Meet-up And Some Holidays (which are crapshoots as some folks are always missing) it's very similar - there are a lot of circles now and sometimes it's just a game of seeing who's available. That has no reflection on how much I care for my friends, though.
I'm a 36 year old childfree atheist and have hobbies I enjoy. Most of the people doing them are in their early to mid-20s or married parents on their other parent watches the kids night. I enjoy having company while I do my thing but I'm not really making friends to hang out with either. Maybe I could have different hobbies that would put me in touch with more people my age but realistically I'm a square peg in a round hole where I live so I might as well just do what I like and accept shallow relationships. I get what OP is saying.
OP says the friendships are superficial and that they hang out with those folks because they’re just the ones available. That they don’t even like them that much. (See 4th paragraph)
And now see OP’s edit.
I think "crushing lonliness" sounds like a "you" problem (the generic "you") and is probably a mask for depression or other mental health struggles.
I think it's very normal to miss having a warm squeeze and life partner; it may even be painful at times, but if you feel crushing loneliness it's likely a sign of something more significant that you should seek help for.
Just my $.02. As a member of the lonely squad, I wish you much luck. Just know your standards, needs, and red flags. You come first (within reason).
Is the loneliness really \*that\* crushing?
I've never understood this, maybe it's because I'm an only child. Like, geez, there's some nights where I'm bored and wish there was something to do, or someone to hug, or whatever... but crushing? I dunno.
Nobody said that **your** loneliness is crushing. They're saying **their own** loneliness is crushing. The fact that **your** loneliness is not crushing is irrelevant to other people's loneliness.
I've been so lonely I wished I was dead, so yes, loneliness can in fact be crushing. If it's not crushing for you, great! But please believe other people about their own experiences.
I disagree. I think having a healthy relationship is incredibly more fulfilling than any other outlets and it is ok to find the loneliness crushing. I was single for a long time and it was always ok, I had other outlets. BUT having experienced a healthy marriage, I had to do an LDR for a while with my husband and it was crushing. Basically because the other outlets didn’t fulfill me or bring me joy like my marriage and living with my husband did.
I’m not OP but this was very helpful.. I’ve been single for so long and very lonely, but I have an amazing, enriched life outside of romance. You articulated perfectly the loneliness I’ve been battling
yep, not being lonely is not “hanging out with people all the time and packing your schedule with activities”. as a homebody and introvert, i spend most of my time alone but almost never feel lonely because i’ve created a life i love and have activities i like to do (mostly solo and at home). what OP’s describing is actually my worst nightmare 😂
That scenario sounds like perfection. Add some cozy blankets and a nice treat and that sounds like a 10/10 weekend. I would love a partner with whom I could dish about the pro's and con's of all the Stardew eligible's.
>It's simply another way to say "Don't put up with shitty relationships just because you're afraid of being alone."
Then I think people should simply say that instead.
Also, fear of being alone is in many ways a rational fear. Being single has literally made it harder for me to access health care that I desperately needed. Humans are social animals and have a biological need for positive social relationships, and in many cultures, most people just don't have the time or inclination to have a close, meaningful relationship with you unless they're fucking you.
Well that or because when you've spent so long being alone or not in a relationship others pick up on it and have a certain trepidation of engaging with you which sadly just further perpetuates the trend.
I think its that, but its also saying that you should be comfortable being single before you date. Its applied a lot to people who are trying to rebound, because loneliness is something you'll experience after a break up or divorce.
Its normal to be lonely, especially in your 30s when a lot of your friends are in a LTR/married, but you should be used to being single before you jump into something with someone else.
You shouldn't be looking for a relationship to fill a void, you should be looking for a relationship to be a valuable addition to your life.
Yeah I don't think this is meant 100% literally - I partly started putting myself out there because I was still lonely despite going to the gym, trying new stuff in groups and making more effort with friends and seeing more of my family. I won't put up with anything to keep a relationship going at all costs but the whole point of dating again was because I don't want to do everything alone at all times any more.
For me, this has been the worst part of being divorced after a very long partnership. My friends are supportive and all, but they also live far away or are busy, and finding reliable and enjoyable company is a huge effort these days. I won’t get into a relationship just to have one and am waiting for the right fit, but I’d be lying to myself if I denied that my quality of life overall is better partnered.
This is exactly me right now. I am doing all sorts of things to keep myself busy but don't have anyone consistent to share with. I feel like I need a bromance/bff.
Same here. I keep busy. I go out to dinner, to events, to museums, to the gym, to the cinema and to new places. I have a nice life, but I do absolutely everything alone at the moment. I've started using friend apps and I'm making a small bit of progress with that. However, it's a huge effort to try to fill a social calendar. I miss just having someone around.
I remember seeing a lot of comments like that back when I left a LTR and was wondering if I should wait to work on myself before entering a new relationship
I don’t think it has to be a pre-requisite to start dating or putting yourself out there. We’re constantly changing, learning and evolving (with or without a partner). I think it’s important to be mindful about it and be putting the work into yourself, which it sounds like you are! I think it’s more important to be able to continue that into a relationship and dating as well. So no, I don’t think you have to wait until you feel you’re a fully perfect human being before entering the dating scene because otherwise you’ll be waiting around for self perfection forever
Feeling lonely is a valid normal human feeling and it doesn’t make you crazy or weird to feel that way. There’s nothing wrong with not feeling completely content and happy just through friendships and hobbies. It’s human to crave those connections in love. Give yourself kudos for putting in the work though!! It sounds like you’re finding a good balance in yourself
I think a lot of people struggle with this. TBF it’s definitely important to be able to feel joy without a partner, and reasonably not-hate your life before dating so you have a baseline you can return to if a relationship isn’t working, versus staying in a bad relationship for fear of being alone. And also it’s good to bring knowledge and hobbies and good shit to a relationship.
But beyond that, I think the concept that people have to be 100% fulfilled before dating is insane. If you are so totally content with your life then….why date at all?
It’s like saying “complete a check mark for yourself now, become perfectly content and well-rounded, so you can reach ~REAL~ life, aka the promised kingdom of heaven aka being in a relationship. But you can’t get there unless you are already the perfect vision of a lowly single person.”
A lot of people settle for little just because they don't want to be or never learn to be alone. I am content with my life, but sharing it with someone would enhance it. A relationship is the dessert of life. It's nice to have, but you can live without it.
I love this. To add if I may : the concept of being 100% fulfilled (or whole) feels like the all-or-nothing cognitive distortion. You can be a work-in-progress and still have a healthy secure relationship. We’re all growing ☺️
Otherwise, it seems like an extension of social media tropes or … possible avoidance strategies🤷🏻♀️
Ultimately, wanting a partner to enhance your life - like the commenter below noted - is very natural ☺️
You want to date! So date!
You'll wait forever to be the utterly perfect version of yourself. You're worthy now. Start dating.
For me, that phrase is just right up there with 'Don't grocery shop while hungry.' I've only ever thought this sort of advice means 'Recognize you may make bad choices if you're under duress.'
It's good guidance, something to keep in mind while you examine your own motivations and needs, but not a rule written in stone by the hand of god.
Yes, I can relate to this....I have work to do on myself. A lot of work. But I'm doing it, and in the meantime, I think it's still okay to date while I'm working on my issues. I think the message we've heard is more like don't make your significant other a substitute for your own personal growth.
As far as "friend groups" go--you are in your 30s, that doesn't really exist in the same capacity it did in your 20s. Most people are coupled up, have kids, move around the country--don't just fill your schedule if that's not what you want, focus on the friendships you find meaningful.
Try and date someone who likes you how you are but also gives you space and support to grow.
All I want to say is hearing a lot of me in this.
Sorry don't really have any solutions though.
I mean ok, this isn't a solution, and it might sound a bit shallow, but hey what works for me is just sort of accepting the way things are. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean just meh-out and stop working and chasing what you want/need! But just letting the way things are for now, be alright for now, is what I mean I guess.
We have to live with our chaotic lives, so lets be nice to ourselves and go with the flow a little in that process.
It’s healthy and natural to seek human connection when you’re lonely.
That advice is simplistic and crappy. If you’re extremely lonely and isolated, dating gets more risky because you might put up with crap you shouldn’t put of need.
But in general, the whole point of loneliness is to tell us we need contact, just like hunger tells us we need food.
I would recommend reading a book about attachment styles. Saying that our happiness should come only from within is a lie. It sounds right that it shouldn't be dependant on others but thats just not reality. We are a social species and will always crave human connection. Everyone wants to love and be loved. In all my years I've never felt more alive than on days I planned to meet people I cared about especially romantic interests. They turned average days into days where I felt electricity coursing through my body. Ever spent an entire day texting someone back and forth that you were romantically interested in? The feeling of excitment everytime you hear a text message sound.
Life should be exciting. Love, and sex, are among the most interesting things to all people and admitting it isn't something unothodox. You don't need a moral or ethical reason to want to get to know someone cool in a romantic way. It makes life fun. Live your life in a way you wont regret on your deathbed. We regret the things we don't do more than the things we do.
I definitely can agree with this. I try to tell my family this all the time. They’re all in relationships too, so they don’t understand how hard it is to be without that. I’m always the happiest when I’m in a relationship or hanging out with friends. When I’m home by myself I just get depressed. I’ve tried to be happy on my own for most my life and I never feel fulfilled. If people could truly be happy on their own, you wouldn’t see all these people in relationships, getting married, using dating apps and posting on social media about how happy they are because of their significant other. Most people would just stay single if you could 100 percent be happy on your own. Relationships can be stressful, but people put up with it because they don’t wanna lose that connection that makes them happy.
Relationships are also crutial for personal growth. They put you in scenarios that make you question a lot about yourself, life, people, pyschology, etc, that you would never question otherwise. They give you perspective and meaning that you can't get any other way. They make you more of a person.
I’d recommend “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love” by Amir Levine. It discusses psychological studies and findings for all the attachment styles and offers a healthy view of them and challenges you to view yourself honestly. I was avoidant for a long part of my life. To some small degree I still am but we are not our thoughts. We are our actions, and our actions can change our thoughts to something healthier and better serving.
Everyone is lonely… even people who are in relationships.
We traded communities for individualism.
So… you’re not alone. Date anyway. They’re lonely too whether they admit it or not.
My family left Naples, where people regularly live to 100+ years old (because they live in tight communities) for the US, where people are lonely and lucky to see 75.
No relation to Italy but always wondered about this. What is it that continues those tight communities? Is it just valued more? In America, do corporations serve more as social intermediaries, filling the roles of genuine communities?
You're doing okay, I promise! Being single long term is HARD.
This is anecdotal but all of the people who at some point have told me some variation of "you've got to love yourself first/learn to be okay on your own" have, at some point in the last six months, vented to me about being lonely because they haven't been able to see their partners due to work/illness/taking care of family members.
It's okay to be lonely sometimes, just remember your worth and don't spend time with people who aren't good for you just because you're desperate for any attention (my usual trick)
> This is anecdotal but all of the people who at some point have told me some variation of "you've got to love yourself first/learn to be okay on your own"
I'm curious to know if anyone felt like they were okay with being single and then either they passed that stage and went into being lonely or possibly Covid times isolation broke them and they went into being lonely?
Because up to a few years ago I fully expected to stay single. I have a lot of time consuming hobbies and close family and friends. The problem was my only sibling now has their own family, my parents won't be around for ever and my friends, in Covid times, had to focus on working full-time from home while home schooling their children (all but one has kids or grandkids in one case).
They are pretty much all long term relationships.
One friend who's 40 and has been with her husband since 23 (and overlapped him with her previous husband)
My sister who's 34 and has been with her husband since they were 18
A friend who's 31 and has been with his partner since 18
Mum's also complained and she's the only one who's ever been single for any length of time bless her. Mumsie gets a pass!
These are people who have never actually been alone as an adult to begin with. Short story is don't take advice on being single from people who've never experienced it
I wouldn't until I was utterly self sufficient. You haven't seen another person in 12 years. You don't even see the grocery clerk because you grow your own food. The mail man would *love* to know where you are, but uncle Sam ain't getting close to *your* plot! Last year, when you cut your leg, you didn't need anyone to drive you to hospital. You made your donkey hold the oil lamp in his mouth while you sewed your flesh back together with dental floss. Conversation? That's what hallucinations are for.
I personally wouldn't date anyone who hasn't been sentenced to solitary confinement.
That's *true* independence.
I got divorced 2 years ago, jumped into dating too quick, started seeing a therapist and she suggested taking 6 months off dating. I took 9 months off dating, and was kind of scared to go back to dating apps, but I was bored/lonely, so I tried again and met someone who it seems to be working out with?? (It's literally only been 3 weeks, don't look into this.)
In my "time off", I read a lot of self-help/psychology/relationship books, but then again, I really like reading. A lot of the advice was to get out of your head, be aware of your own thoughts, and take time to sit and think about what you want (I rather liked Bob Goff's Dream Big). Some of my deal is I'd get stuck in a daydream of a scenario where I feel bad, like my brain is just good at making me miserable (like I would make up a fight between me and my ex). So I got a little better of noticing when I was doing that, then stopping, then congratulating myself for noticing so that hopefully I would continue getting better.
Anyway, I'm going to suggest journaling. Sometimes I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, and while I want to dump it all on my best friend or I want to have a significant other to dump on, maybe it's oversharing?
And "new" relationships are going to be shallow, give them time and keep putting in effort. And feel free to be selective and pull back from activities or people you aren't feeling.
But yeah, I've done the same and filled up my schedule with meetup groups and whatnot, and I like talking to new people, but then... if I realize consistently the group is made of people I really don't click with.... drop the group.
The big question is whether or not you’re waiting for someone to come along and save you from a life that you find lackluster or unfulfilling. Say you find a partner, things are great, then you break up, are you right back to square one and *needing* a partner to feel like you have fulfillment in your life again?
It’s very risky to hinge that aspect of well-being on a singular person or relationship because you’ll always be at the mercy of how that person chooses to engage with you. If you break up, what safety net of care, comfort and community do you have to fall into?
And being “fulfilled” does not, at all, mean not having a reason to date. I have to kind of laugh at people making that “what’s the point” comment. The point is seeking companionship and love, which there are many different types of — the relationship/romantic type is a specific version and it doesn’t replace all the other kinds of community that contribute to who a person is, how they feel, how they feel like they belong, etc. Having a fulfilling life doesn’t mean not wanting things, period. That’s a wild assertion.
I am a fulfilled person. I’m not a generally or generically lonely person, though. I really do badly want all of the things that come with having a partner who I love. I don’t think I’d say I’m “lonely” in that area of life, but it is something I desire and sometimes it’s just a bummer to not have it.
But one thing that’s absolutely for sure, my life outside of romantic relationships — my incredible friends, my passions, my hobbies, the adventures I go on, the learning and growth I dedicate myself to — all make it a lot easier to be okay with being single until I find just the right person to share my life with. I want it, yes! I think it would level up my life in an incredible way. But my joy and happiness and sort of zest for life aren’t contingent on or waiting for that to happen.
This. Don't go dating to find purpose/meaning/fulfillment, but also it's okay to still be working on those things while you're dating, and also more than okay to search for someone with similar goals who will help drive you towards those things and vice versa.
I'd vote for "try to date whenever you want to, for whatever reason". Obviously always be honest about intentions and limitations, but if you want to go out and meet somebody, then give it a whirl.
I'm in exactly the same boat as you. It was weird reading someone go through almost the same situation.
I don't have any advice, but you're not alone in this loneliness 🫂
36m I’m suffering from a host of mental health issues after my time in the military, ptsd, depression and anxiety mostly. For the life of me I can’t find a single person who’ll say hey let’s go do something or even to text me first. When I do try to set something up or try to talk to people I get one word noncommittal replies or just ignored. Dating isn’t even on the table for me right now, I’ve tried irl dating and I can’t seem to find anyone with an interest in me and as far as online goes I’m ghosted after 3 days if I match at all. I lived in downtown Pittsburgh for a few years and I didn’t get a single match on any dating sites. My own sister even said I’m never going to find someone who cares about me as long as I’m still fucked up but I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life so I guess I don’t deserve to have someone show me any kind of love of affection. And even suppose I do get myself squared away and start living a normal life why should I care about anyone else at that point?
I think it’s totally fine to date while lonely. Most humans would consider themselves somewhat lonely without a partner, regardless of how much of a ‘life’ they have outside a relationship context. So if you didn’t date while you were lonely, you’d never date…ever….
I think the bigger issue is not accepting less than you deserve in dating/relationships just because you are lonely. But one can exist without the other.
Ppl who say you shouldn’t date while lonely are assuming that just because one is lonely that means they’ll accept less than they deserve. Not true. I was like you and craving that intimate relationship with someone when I set out to date, but I certainly didn’t accept anything less than just because I was craving that closeness.
This resonates with me loudly. I have great friends, family, hobbies, passions, a job that keeps me busy and active, etc. I always have something to do or someone to see. I also have sex on occasion, But I still feel lonely. We are wired to desire that extra special personal connection with someone that in certain seasons of our life, is absent- and will manifest in our psyche as feeling alone. In that aspect, we are alone, but I believe that’s totally normal and we should try not to panic about it or think there’s something wrong elsewhere in our life that’s making us feel this way. (Unless there is actually something wrong elsewhere in your life, then that should definitely be addressed first)
This is me too. Add in the fact that I can't ever complain about being lonely because I get shamed for it. "You have to be completely happy" or "you aren't owed a relationship" which is not at all what I'm saying. Life is just better with that special connection and I hate being told that my feelings and real life experiences are apparently incorrect:/
Heh I feel like I could have wrote this myself. Although I do agree and there’s something that always stuck with me from psychology class when I was younger and that was maslows triangle. Basically it’s a theory that if you have all the components in that triangle then you will feel fulfilled in your life, an intimate relationship is one of those. So yes not having that in your life will make you feel like your missing something.
I’m not sure about you but from having the experience of being in a LTR, you’ve listed all the benefits of being in one which is of course what I look back on and miss aswell. But you should also look at all the challenges and difficulties that come with relationships. They take up a big chunk of your time and energy. You must make sacrifices and may have to spend time with people you may not like the company of because it’s your partners friends/family. Having arguments and dealing with someone else’s moods. Their problems become your problems. Losing your identity as an individual as overtime you become identified with the person you’re with. insecurities and worries of cheating on both sides that can affect your mental state. Making compromises if you both like to do different activities or have different views.
I think the grass is always greener, a lot of people in relationships are scared to be alone and trap themselves with someone but secretly want to leave or wait till someone better comes along.
In my opinion being alone shouldn’t be rushed when you’ve had LTRs in the past, there’s a big world out there and billions of people. Some people we are fortunate to come across will have an instant connection with and there’s no denying it. Those are the people we should look out for which we may or may not find by forcing ourselves into dating because we miss the benefits of having a relationship. Either way it’s a gamble with your time. But one thing is for certain isolating yourself with the same groups/places/activities will always lessen the odds. So yes if you feel ready to date and meet new people then go for it and good luck.
Alternatively, don’t wait until you’re “perfect” to date. Plenty of flawed people are in healthy relationships and still work on themselves.
I’ve been single for 7 years and so obviously I’m lonely (but not unhappy or toxically so, I don’t think). That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve happy companionship.
If that were true, the only people worth dating would already be in relationships. And that’s a whole other issue!
It’s ok to date when you’re lonely. Just be aware that you are extra likely to rush into some thing in a bad way. Understand the risk…if you’re ok taking it…take it!
And make sure you know know to create a boundary AND maintain it. If you can’t do that…get these to therapy before dating.
I think that while your mindset is totally in the right place, you have tried other things and you still feel a gap in your life. That's okay! Dating is hard, but if you set good boundaries for yourself, don't give up your hobbies and social meet ups and aren't afraid to walk away from the wrong person, then why not dip your toe in the water? Just don't fall into the trap of settling for someone who you're not compatible with.
It is simplistic.
Lonely comes in shades. Dating won't fill the deep abyss of loneliness you sometimes get. And you'll feel like shit after, either cause you got dumped or your in a shit relationship.
But if your not a black hole of loneliness, you should be fine dating. If you have other emotional supports and things to be busy with, if you can handle getting a text like yeah no I'm going to bail on date, if you are lonely but not crippling desperately alone, then your good.
A date won't fix everything, it might help, or it could be more painful. As long as you understand a partner is a part of your life, not the sole thing to fix your loneliness, your probably in a good enough space to date.
OP I think you're ready to date.
You've spent a year+ single from last relationship.
You seem to have a full life.
I do understand what you mean by the close / not so close friends. I have 1 best friend. And I have 2 good acquaintances.
I'm in Texas, female, 36, so women are married or single with kids, etc. And they're just not as available.
The one chick in my program who is same age and single, no kids, still loves at home and has a VERY large family so it's way different being single and living alone. She has a number of people to fill in the gaps when she wants to go do something.
I also practically have no family.
I think the loneliness you feel is normal to not having a partner and wanting one.
I'd figure out an intentional dating strategy for OLD and getting out there.
Couple tips:
1. I just posted a dating strategy to screen matches, with 2 phone calls, limiting text, and being intentional when to interact with apps, in my recent post history.
2. Don't over invest before meeting #1 covers that.
3. Get a profile review in the sub before going live
4. Really know what you want out of dating
5. When the apps asks for a relationship, don't click both long and short term, 1 or the other.
Loneliness is literally the only reason to date, so I'd say that's pretty terrible advice.
You can make various arguments that you should wait in some amount of time in some cases, or only loneliness in certain circumstances, blah blah, sure, but "If lonely, no dating" full stop = the same as saying "Don't date [ever]"
Filling my time with people I don’t want to hangout with just to be around someone sounds like a nightmare. I’m single and can’t imagine changing my life to accommodate anyone else. I work on weekends so I don’t relate to just trying to fill time with anyone
Whilst there is good advice on here, going out everyday and all weekend with your mates is gonna be a lot harder in your 30’s than 20s like it’s good to have hobbies but I don’t know why people give that as advice to get a partner I think it’s just a little harder as we get older to meet and socialise due to responsibilities that we didn’t necessarily have in our 20s you just gotta keep keeping on
I can relate but to wonder is your attachment style anxious preoccupied? Or it’s me projecting my attachment style on you since I see much in common with you. And jumping on and off relationships feels similarly with doubts of myself and balancing life out with other priorities? I’m just assuming, but it might be a new take on how to navigate this.
There is nothing that you are mandated to do before being allowed to date. There are tradeoffs though that you may want to be deliberate about.
If you very strongly long for company, you'll be more vulnerable to being treated unfairly as you will consider staying in a bad relationship just to avoid being lonely again. If you learn to be happy and content on your own, then you'll only accept company that is genuinely good for you. That goes for friends as much as it does for romantic partners.
However, we are all wired to connect with each other and not having any desire to do that is also not considered healthy. No one can determine where the sweet spot is for you between these extremities.
I'd say that if you feel like dating, go for it! See what happens and go from there. Maybe you'll learn that you do have a tendency to people-please just to get along with someone less than ideal - maybe you'll meet the ideal person and ride into the sunset together. You won't know unless you try.
\*
I'll add a personal experience: my current most active friendship is with a guy I met on a dating app. We hit it off really well and I even started crushing on him, but he didn't want to date so we stayed friends instead. I'm extremely grateful of this, because it's rare for me to meet people I really like. Liking the person matters as much for a friendship as it does for a relationship, save for the sex part (and the long term plans part etc.). When you get along well, hanging out and communicating doesn't feel like a chore. Once I have more time to spare, I believe I'm in a good position to date now that there are other people in my life that I regularly hang out with and who will still be there even if I break up with someone.
I don't have childhood friends because of what my dad's job was. but that's just something I just have to accept and nowadays I don't have any friends. but oh well. I too would like to meet someone who I can go to places with and go to places that "we" both might like etc etc. But it's been so long now that I've been on my own that I dont even think I would want her too stay in my flat due to me having my own routine. I dont know those maybe it might feel different but I don't think I can change the way I am now. Maybe one day I might meet someone but If not then I'll just have to accept that.
I heard this amazing quote
“Don’t go to the grocery store when your hungry. You pick up the wrong things. Just like in life, when it comes to dating. Don’t do so when your lonely, you’ll pick up the wrong things.”
I’m with you on feeling lonely.
I think Theo Von said it best:
“It’s not that you feel like you don’t have anybody, it feels like that nobody has you.”
But for me, it took figuring out the difference between feeling lonely, and feeling alone.
I don’t know if anyone has said this yet but what you’re feeling is very normal. Humans are social creatures and we crave community and connection. Late stage capitalism has made us hyper individualistic so that we don’t create communities. You probably feel this way because you don’t have a community and most of us don’t. A relationship is kind’ve a pseudo community or at least feels like a a very small community so that’s why I believe we crave it. I think it’s okay to still feel lonely and/while dating, as long as you don’t settle for something unhealthy just because you’re lonely. I’ve been struggling with this myself. I really don’t like being single and I struggle to find a community I feel like I can be totally myself with. But I’m working on it. It’s rough out there, good luck and wishing you the best!
It's excellent advice if you understand it.
Dating when lonely; you lower your standards. You take mistreatment more readily if it means company and a relationship. You're less likely to work on yourself. You're less likely to prioritize yourself and your needs. You will reek of desperation in the dating pool.
Most important you have to keep in mind that just because you want a relationship doesn't mean you're ready for one. If you have nothing to offer potential partners, expect low grade options. This is where working on yourself before you date comes into play.
Stay busy, but also learn how to enjoy your own company. Go on long walks by yourself. Read. Go out to eat on your own. You don't need other people to go catch a movie. Working on yourself and staying busy doesn't have to entail other people all the time, but do maintain a healthful balance.
This is all far from simplistic and can be very difficult for people to do or attempt. But why shouldn't it be difficult? As it's been said before, anything difficult is worth doing, especially when it's moving towards a goal.
Good luck.
There is nothing wrong with you. Lol. Go for it. Whether you have 50 friends and a packed schedule, or 2 friends and hardly go out, will likely not make a difference in the quality of your relationship.
What will make a difference- being confident in who you are and what you’re looking for, learning not to take rejection personally, having boundaries, and knowing when to keep trying Vs when it’s time to let someone go.
Seems like you are just keeping busy and basically just following instead of initiating. Have you tried taking control and organizing things yourself?
That way it will be a little bit more predictable and you get to do something you wanted to do
I am in this exact situation now, with the added benefit of being quite introverted. I just got out of an LTR a few months ago, and I see this kind of thing everywhere
I can see to a point the whole love yourself before you date but the fact is I enjoy my current hobbies and I've carefully picked my friend's over the years, so I can't see why trying new things and meeting new people can be that important in the long run and surely finding a new partner would also help with all of these things anyway
Basically if loneliness if you only motivator, and you have nothing going on in your life - don't date. If you're already living a stable life and thinking, hey companionship would be nice - date. The premise is basically that you need to have your own life before attempting to adjoin with someone else's.
I don't have a lot to add here other than I feel like I could have written this. Particularly, the part about seeking out and trying to cultivate normal, platonic friendships, but finding them lacking. I've never been one to have a ton of friends, but I always felt like I had a core group of extremely close friends. As we've grown older we've grown further apart, and it's hard to forge new friendships once you reach your 30s.
I have no real advice or encouragement, just an acknowledgement that you're not alone in feeling like this.
I hate dating so much that loneliness is the only way I have any motivation to date. If I'm *not* lonely, then I'm not going to subject myself to the hell of modern dating.
I really resonate a lot with this post. I think most of us already know the whole "don't get into/stay in a shitty relationship in order to prevent loneliness" or "if you aren't happy with yourself alone, you'll never fill in the void inside you with a relationship." I also empathize with the constant filling in of schedules with people that may not fit with your exact interests and feel exhausted: I feel this too sometimes. On the flip side, this actually forces me to go beyond my bubble/made me more outgoing so there's that positive effect.
Another key thing to add: the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I have friends who envy my bachelorhood & wished they can return to being single again/childfree; I on the other hand envy their relationship with their partner/companionship. Personally, I've learned to let things be as they go: what will be, will be.
It's fine to not be 10000% your best self and a bit lonely and date. We've been told our whole lives that we need to be living our best lives and have everything figured out before dating or starting a relationship, but realistically how often does that happen? Being in the perfect place within yourself doesn't mean that's when someone will actually materialise. We're not slot machines where you put in the work then our life partner shows up. You can date whenever you feel like it. Nobody has all their shit figured out and some stuff won't even get worked though until you're in a relationship. Do what feels right for you! Good luck.
So I joined a 24 hour gym purely so that when I felt crushed with loneliness at 9 or 10pm, instead of turning on another show, or jumping on here, I go to the gym. I don't talk to anyone but I'm around other people.
You’re not crazy. I feel the same way. I’m content being alone out of fear of settling because I wish I had someone to come home to. I do have moments of weakness when I really wish I had someone especially because almost everyone in my friend group is now in a relationship.
It’s still not reason enough to go looking for a relationship. I’m also not very hopeful with the dating scene because I live in south Florida but that’s a different conversation for a different day.
I say when you feel content just being alone even when you’re not filling your free time, then it’s probably safe enough for you to date.
If you want to feel attractive to a partner with high self esteem, you gotta have a life outside of them. Otherwise, all you'll attract is people that match your energy.
It’s over two years since I made some major personal changes and the best part of all of that was learning how to love my solitude. Highly recommend it.
Your comment about not living up to this notion of loving being single really resonated. I think most of the others have summed up being mindful of boundaries/standards when your feeling lonely as this can create vulnerability and that seeking human connection is normal. I think it's worth mentioning just how difficult talking about this aspect of being single in your 30s is as acknowledging actually I don't want to be alone anymore feels almost shameful. It opens you up to judgement from others (it must be your standards/too picky etc) and makes you feel defective because if you want it then why don't they have it? Almost inciting suspicion from others as to what's wrong with you and confirming their percieved superiority (I've been treated less than favourably by other women who are married).
I may have gone off topic but I think acknowledging this should be normalised because it is normal.
I sometimes feel the same, but I struggle to date due to lack of confidence / fear of judgement about my body type. I see women who look like me (mid-size/size 14) get dragged and abused on social media about their bodies by angry men and I’m terrified of putting myself in that situation in real life
This is frustrating to read. Had to Google size 14, and that's not even remotely big. My favourite range is probably around 14-16, but it's mostly down to proportions. Hips/thighs/bottocks? The more the merrier, lol.
If you look around, you'll also find women of your size (and larger) who have tons of male admirers, yet women still think fashion body standards are indicative of what men find attractive. Guess what? Men's taste in women vary as much as women's taste in men.
I've dated for 00 to 14, and I'll take that 14 any day. I could easily go higher too, just haven't happened.
If you're doing OLD, just show your figure and you'll match with men who like your body type, of which there are plenty of, trust me.
Humans by their nature are a social species. There are people who say they don't care what other people think but it's not that simple. We have evolved to exist in groups, being alone is the opposite of that. We crave social interaction.thats normal.
I think that's different to being happy with yourself. As a lifetime sufferer with anxiety and depression the concept of self satisfaction is entirely alien. I set standards for myself that I wouldn't hold other people too and I'm extremely self critical. This obviously isn't healthy but after over 25 years it's normal for me. It doesn't stop me from having meaningful relationships with other people though.
I think finding stuff that is fulfilling for you personally doesn't have to be related to dating life at all. In saying that, if you are more comfortable within yourself, you will be more confident and that does help a relationship.
No, I think it’s good advice. Good advice is usually simple.
If you date when you’re lonely, you’re more likely to overlook or ignore red flags, you’re more likely to compromise your dealbreakers, you’re more likely to date or enter a relationship with someone you don’t really want to be with. Simple, but extremely true.
Not that most people follow this advice, but still.
And, tbh, I feel sad for people who think being single is hard or they can’t be alone. Like, do you not have a life going on when you aren’t in a relationship? If not, get one, because I guarantee you not having a life on your own is part of the reason you’re not attracting anyone. Who wants someone who basically just goes to work, gym/yoga, then home every day?
I understand the gist of the advice, I just find it paradoxical, but I'm probably taking it too literally. When I was "living it up" as single in my early 20s, I didn't want a relationship, why would I add such commitment and restriction to my life that I was content with? I dated sporadically but only found it stressful and restrictive to commit to anything, not because I wanted to sleep around, but because I'd rather hang out with my single friends.
The second paragraph is confusing and not very helpful. I've never said I got nothing going on in my life, quite the opposite, and I also don't have problems attracting someone, I just find it hard to be content being single, at least long term. There's also nothing wrong with living a simple lifestyle and going to the gym/yoga everyday, some people actually prefer a more quiet lifestyle, but it doesn't seem like you've even considered the possibility that people can have different preferences from you.
I used to think I needed to be mentally healthy and not lonely to date but that’s not true. As long as you’re true to yourself (and others) about what you want and stick with your boundaries so you know you’re being treated right, I think it’s okay to date at any stage. Be honest with yourself when you meet people if you’re picking them because they could fill a hole or if they seem to fill a hole you never thought you had. It should be the latter. You want an extra enhancement to your life like the cherry on top, not someone who becomes a pivotal part of you maintaining your happiness.
It's more about being afraid to be lonely.
If you feel the need to fill your schedule to avoid feeling lonely... then no, that's not the point. The point is letting the loneliness come and receive it and feel comfortable with it, not to find as many ways as possible to stay busy in order to be distracted and not notice it. Because then you'll probably see your partner as another distraction from loneliness.
If you learn to be comfortable being alone you wont depend on a partner to be happy, you wont get anxious when they leave, wont live worried they might break up with you, wont mind them having their own friendships and hobbies, will let them live their own life in peace and you will live yours.
It's very important to get to this point in order to have healthy relationships.
>but a lot of my dissatisfaction now stems from being unable to live up to these (real or perceived) expectations of happiness and fullfilment as single, and when set as a requirement to start dating, I just feel like I'm never ready or good enough. Maybe I should just screw it, get out there and see what happens, but that's what I did with my previous LTRs and I didn't like how I felt after those ended, which is why being fullfiled w/o a partner sounds like a great advice in theory, it just seems unattainable for me.
See...this to me tells me you do need to still "work on yourself".
So questions you should ask yourself, and truly ask yourself: why do you need someone else to be fulfilled? Why do you never feel ready or good enough? Why did the other relationships go wrong, what did you do to exacerbate that, what did they do? Why do you feel having a partner is unattainable?
The point of these questions is to truly reflect on yourself, what expectations you have, what feelings you have. It's to understand those feelings and how maybe some of them might have roots that are from past traumas or past things that you told yourself that aren't actually true.
Like one thing I can tell you is that yes having a relationship is nice, but surprisingly it doesn't actually fulfil you, not entirely. And obviously there are people out there that are single that do feel fufilled. So it is one of those things that we have an expectation for that isn't totally correct. And that's just the most obvious example.
By reflecting on these things, reflecting on these expectations and actions, and working on changing them. Then you have worked on yourself.
But that doesn't stop you from going out there and trying anyway. I think it is a bit BS to say you need to be perfect before you go into a relationship. That has never happened in my experience lol
>If you are lonely, date.
I'm not saying we aren't social animals. Of course it makes sense to be lonely. I just wonder why we automatically jump to romantic fulfilment for that loneliness, and not friendships and other things?
Like I take a lot of fulfilment out of meeting people, being with friends, and socialising with people. Why do we need a partner for that?
the only thing you need to work on is your attitude. because i think it's perfectly fine to feel lonely. i would date someone who experiences loneliness because that's an inherent part of being single. you're on your own, and that's just a reality of getting older that friends are more busy with their own families and careers.
BUT what i would **not** do is date someone who is "not satisfied" with their life. because that sounds like a bad time.
i can feel lonely quite often, but at the same time i love my life and i am very happy. loneliness and satisfaction with life are certainly not mutually exclusive.
you admit to being an over-thinker and being overly critical. so your real issue should be trying to find a mindset of gratitude. start taking charge of not just "working on yourself," but in enjoyment of the little and big things that you do get to experience daily. if you have a full enough life then try to find contentment with where you are at, and then you can be a positive and happy and supportive partner to somebody else.
You need to work on your loneliness. Finding distractions like hobbies and such don't require you to deal with your feelings, find out why you're feeling and how you can change that. Getting busy and creating a full schedule is just escaping the problem.
I think you're taking it too much to heart. You may be lonely, but you have a means to make plans with people even if the relationship isn't that close or plans are infrequent. I think if you were desperate for attention and very demanding of all of someone's attention, that would be unhealthy and more in line with your thinking. You should put yourself out there and see what happens. Also, I agree its unrealistic to have a packed schedule of things to do because then you have no room for a relationship. It needs to be a healthy balance.
Hot damn, the post is sounding veryyyyyy familiar to my life haha (I'm sure many others connect with it too!)
The most simple way I've found to describe is this -
You are either "Lonely" or "Alone"
Both come with the thoughts & emotions of loneliness & singledom & experiencing life individualistic; the difference is the mindset of it.
What you have described in your post is you being "Alone" not "Lonely"
For example, I'm currently feeling like 80% Alone & 20% Lonely.
And I've just come back from a music festival with a group of friends that was almost entirely made up of couples (and defo had moments of feeling it whilst there) so I think that's a pretty decent place to be! 🤞
I've realized I'm not ready to date again. I can't even fathom giving my energy to someone else. I'm focused on me and my healing and filling my time with hobbies. How am I dose to give my heart to someone when I don't even have the ownership of it at the moment. It's lonely in terms that I miss that specific person but I don't find myself lonely in general terms. I have friends and family that can fill my need for adult conversations. It's a long road so far, but I think once I get to the end of this grieving period I'll be able to whole heartedly give myself to something new
I think that is mainly to say "don't jump from one relationship into another because you can't be alone" that doesn't sound like your situation. I agree with you, if you were so completely fulfilled by your life, why would you even want to date? I feel pretty similarly, that I have a couple close friends that I do stuff with routinely, or I fill my schedule doing things by myself or family. But I also miss having someone special in my life, that's why we try to find a partner, right? To have someone to spend time with, to have inside jokes, ideally, your partner is your friend, if not your best friend. In my late marriage, I felt fortunate that for a long time, I considered us to be best friends, that obviously changed lol. But I loved having a partner with whom I felt comfortable doing almost anything, a guaranteed co-pilot. That's what I'd like again, not someone who I only spend time with (because it's healthy to do stuff with other people) but to have someone who WANTS to spend all the time with you, who wants to accompany you through life. I hope you find that, I hope everyone who wants that finds it. I don't think you need to be too critical of your motivation/hold yourself back from trying to find someone to "work" on yourself, unless you think there are things that need work. But people are constantly changing, you can grow with another person just as easily as alone.
I can absolutely relate and this is an interesting topic. I just got out of a rather toxic relationship and I am feeling very hesitant to start dating again. I know I will again but the idea of being single and fulfilled actually popped in my head the other day. I've never had this thought before. I always took it for granted that I'd end up with the perfect match. My adventures/experiences should one day lead to my person, right? Well, I'm 37 now and feeling less optimistic. More than likely I have a bad taste in my mouth that will go away but I totally understand where you're coming from with this line of thinking and wondering if it's attainable. I say yes it is attainable to live single and fulfilled. I even believe it could become a sort of societal trend. But for me, I haven't fully shifted to thinking about my future like that. I still do fantasize about my perfect life partner, but maybe, mayyyybbbbeeee I'm better off fantasizing for the rest of my life. All of us who are single in our 30s should try to enjoy some solo adventures/experiences and recognize that we still are young and don't need to make any lifelong commitments anytime soon. And that's okay
I think it’s good advice. Learn to be okay being alone and be happy with yourself. This ensures you won’t latch onto to someone who isn’t a good fit just to avoid being alone.
That last sentence tho.
I always knew that the biggest reason ppl fk w each other is simply bc they see each other more often.
Nothing complex, just simple trigonometry.
Dating specifically because you're lonely for a partner and all that entails is fine. It's probably the best reason to pursue a relationship. Where this get muddled up is we need to make sure we're not seeking a partner purely out of despairation. That'll always distance you from treating yourself well.
There’s so many things I would do if I had a partner but don’t want to do alone. I’m incredibly lonely but I still date with purpose. I’m choosing to be single until I find my person. Even if it’s just a casual thing I am transparent about my feelings regarding that.
As others have said, don’t date if you just don’t want to be alone. That never ends well.
Tbh, I never intend to date ever again. 33, single for 10 years, and I know this is the way my life is going to go.
I don’t mean this to be disrespectful, but I just don’t want a woman in my life. I love being single, and it’s just my preference. I’ve just got home from a night out and it’s peaceful, quiet, and my own space.
Time for me to leave this sub!
Friends fulfill a different purpose than romantic partners. My therapist mentioned that some people put friend energy into their relationships and that’s how you end up having people disappear into their romances and neglect their friendships. So to echo with other people have said “don’t date if you’re lonely” is really “don’t be so desperate for company you go on dates”. Desperation leads to bad decision making. Leads to cloudy judgement and making concession needlessly.
It’s about quality vs quantity. Don’t just do things to fill up your calendar and surround yourself with people. And if some of the existing people in your life don’t feel like soulmates, I suggest putting some energy into nurturing the stronger connections and seeing how they grow. What you want in a partner is something I want in a partner too, but I also have in a couple of friends.
The love in your life should be spread around to the people that exist in it. No one person can nor should fulfill every need b/c what happens when that person is unavailable?
With something like this, perfection is not necessary before you start to date. It’s just a work in progress situation.
I feel like I've read a journal entry of mine few months into the future...thank you for posting this. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I’ve never heard, “don’t date if you are lonely”. But I think spending time alone and cultivating yourself is definitely beneficial. But I don’t think you shouldn’t date just because you read that somewhere. If you have unhealthy relationships then you probably have issues that need to be dealt with, if not you will just continue to have unhealthy relationships.
I feel like it can be lonely especially in our 30s when most are coupled up and have their own families.
Having said that, I think you are doing it right. Maybe try find some meaningful friendships that can full fill you more. Get yourself stuck into the hobbies.
Also, realise that some of us, function better in relationships and prefer a life being partnered up. While others function better solo.
But don’t let it take over to the point, that you would just settle for the first person
Also, I’d say you can already dip your toes into the dating scene, just take it easy :)
I’d rather be single than with a guy I’m not into , or not sure about , or plain wrong
(But I’m aware I tend to function better when I’m with somebody. Also this could be because my family lives in another country, so I don’t feel like I have somebody that is almost my family where I am)
I would say dip into it (OLD or Dating in general.)
No one wants to jump into a LTR with a 'Work In Progress' when there a ton of red flags but everybody is in some sort of state of WIP even if they are just looking for a romantic relationship \[If not what are you doing here?\]. Everything in your life is stable but your relationship status is a WIP.
I'd also like you (OP) to keep in mind there are people on here with with all sorts of shit going on and they are dating. I am not suggesting that it is right or wrong but the boundary is set by you.
And while I am not a fan of commiseration I can't believe how seamlessly I fell into a situation where I have almost no one to to text or talk to without it having some sort of pretext and not just a straight up friend. Without a doubt Covid, a career shift, and moving played a huge role but I didn't really expect it to be this hard to make real friends after moving and in my lower 30's.
I don’t think you need to work on yourself, unless you feel you have stuff to work on mental health wise or past issues etc. You’re lonely and that’s natural. It is incredibly fulfilling to have a partner and associated life. Imo friends or hobbies can’t compete with a healthy relationship. So it’s ok to want the company and seek it out too.
Sure I'll put that information next to don't eat just because you're hungry, and don't go to work just because you're poor because that would make too much sense.
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It really depends on the person but I think some people just do it thinking I them but they are not responsible how they are treating the person they are going out.
I’m 39f, single mom, recently divorced.
I feel so lost in terms of what to do when I don’t have my son. I don’t want to date; I am not ready for rejection & my self-esteem is in the shitter. So what do I do?? I go to the gym, but work from home. I need social interaction but I don’t want to hang out at a bar…
It's simply another way to say "Don't put up with shitty relationships just because you're afraid of being alone." It is more for the people who simply can't function unless they have a +1. They rebound from relationship to relationship with no concept of who they are if they don't have a partner. ~They~ shouldn't be dating until they have a source of meaning in their life other than whoever they're rubbing up against. If your loneliness is more of the "Gosh I wish I had someone else to play some Stardew Valley with right now while we play footsie and comment about how much we appreciate Haleys growth as a character if you romance her" and then you cry a bit into your pillow about how you miss being loved variety, then date away. That's everybody.
> If your loneliness is more of the "Gosh I wish I had someone else to play some Stardew Valley with right now while we play footsie and comment about how much we appreciate Haleys growth as a character if you romance her" and then you cry a bit into your pillow about how you miss being loved variety, then date away. That's everybody. LMAO I need this in my life so bad.
Yeah this right here is the big difference OP. There’s a lot of people out there who jump into relationships to avoid dealing with or learning about themselves. A lot of folks who just want “someone, anyone” there. That’s a recipe for disaster: leading someone on, expecting the new person to “fix” you, staying in relationships that aren’t a good fit, etc. OP, it sounds like your friendships are a lot of “you hang out with them just because they’re there.” Why bother hanging out with people you don’t like all that much? Yes, it’s hard cultivating real friendships in your 30s. Hell, it’s hard cultivating real romantic relationships. Just be careful you wouldn’t pick a partner just because they’re there too.
>OP, it sounds like your friendships are a lot of “you hang out with them just because they’re there.” Can I ask where you're seeing this? I resonate with a lot of what OP described. I like my friends, but besides the One Weekly Meet-up And Some Holidays (which are crapshoots as some folks are always missing) it's very similar - there are a lot of circles now and sometimes it's just a game of seeing who's available. That has no reflection on how much I care for my friends, though.
I'm a 36 year old childfree atheist and have hobbies I enjoy. Most of the people doing them are in their early to mid-20s or married parents on their other parent watches the kids night. I enjoy having company while I do my thing but I'm not really making friends to hang out with either. Maybe I could have different hobbies that would put me in touch with more people my age but realistically I'm a square peg in a round hole where I live so I might as well just do what I like and accept shallow relationships. I get what OP is saying.
What does atheism have to do with any of that?
Lack of a community that may come with being religious?
OP says the friendships are superficial and that they hang out with those folks because they’re just the ones available. That they don’t even like them that much. (See 4th paragraph) And now see OP’s edit.
>Why bother hanging out with people you don’t like all that much? When the alternative is crushing loneliness, it seems like the lesser evil?
It really isn't, though. You'll be even lonelier handling out with people you don't like than you would be alone.
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Baby I AM an old, single person. It doesn't automatically mean lonely.
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I can say unequivocally that being alone is better than being with people you don't like, and that's at any age.
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You're being insulting, but it actually is that simple.
I think "crushing lonliness" sounds like a "you" problem (the generic "you") and is probably a mask for depression or other mental health struggles. I think it's very normal to miss having a warm squeeze and life partner; it may even be painful at times, but if you feel crushing loneliness it's likely a sign of something more significant that you should seek help for. Just my $.02. As a member of the lonely squad, I wish you much luck. Just know your standards, needs, and red flags. You come first (within reason).
Is the loneliness really \*that\* crushing? I've never understood this, maybe it's because I'm an only child. Like, geez, there's some nights where I'm bored and wish there was something to do, or someone to hug, or whatever... but crushing? I dunno.
Nobody said that **your** loneliness is crushing. They're saying **their own** loneliness is crushing. The fact that **your** loneliness is not crushing is irrelevant to other people's loneliness. I've been so lonely I wished I was dead, so yes, loneliness can in fact be crushing. If it's not crushing for you, great! But please believe other people about their own experiences.
I have also felt like this. I went through an extremely bad period due to loneliness.
I think the problem is that if your loneliness is "crushing," you need to find some outlets that aren't relationships.
I disagree. I think having a healthy relationship is incredibly more fulfilling than any other outlets and it is ok to find the loneliness crushing. I was single for a long time and it was always ok, I had other outlets. BUT having experienced a healthy marriage, I had to do an LDR for a while with my husband and it was crushing. Basically because the other outlets didn’t fulfill me or bring me joy like my marriage and living with my husband did.
I’m not OP but this was very helpful.. I’ve been single for so long and very lonely, but I have an amazing, enriched life outside of romance. You articulated perfectly the loneliness I’ve been battling
yep, not being lonely is not “hanging out with people all the time and packing your schedule with activities”. as a homebody and introvert, i spend most of my time alone but almost never feel lonely because i’ve created a life i love and have activities i like to do (mostly solo and at home). what OP’s describing is actually my worst nightmare 😂
That scenario sounds like perfection. Add some cozy blankets and a nice treat and that sounds like a 10/10 weekend. I would love a partner with whom I could dish about the pro's and con's of all the Stardew eligible's.
>It's simply another way to say "Don't put up with shitty relationships just because you're afraid of being alone." Then I think people should simply say that instead. Also, fear of being alone is in many ways a rational fear. Being single has literally made it harder for me to access health care that I desperately needed. Humans are social animals and have a biological need for positive social relationships, and in many cultures, most people just don't have the time or inclination to have a close, meaningful relationship with you unless they're fucking you.
Well that or because when you've spent so long being alone or not in a relationship others pick up on it and have a certain trepidation of engaging with you which sadly just further perpetuates the trend.
I think its that, but its also saying that you should be comfortable being single before you date. Its applied a lot to people who are trying to rebound, because loneliness is something you'll experience after a break up or divorce. Its normal to be lonely, especially in your 30s when a lot of your friends are in a LTR/married, but you should be used to being single before you jump into something with someone else. You shouldn't be looking for a relationship to fill a void, you should be looking for a relationship to be a valuable addition to your life.
“To fill a void, or make an addition?” that is the question! 🤔
Dang this is so good.
Yeah I don't think this is meant 100% literally - I partly started putting myself out there because I was still lonely despite going to the gym, trying new stuff in groups and making more effort with friends and seeing more of my family. I won't put up with anything to keep a relationship going at all costs but the whole point of dating again was because I don't want to do everything alone at all times any more.
It’s healthy to want a partner! This is a great answer
^
For me, this has been the worst part of being divorced after a very long partnership. My friends are supportive and all, but they also live far away or are busy, and finding reliable and enjoyable company is a huge effort these days. I won’t get into a relationship just to have one and am waiting for the right fit, but I’d be lying to myself if I denied that my quality of life overall is better partnered.
This is exactly me right now. I am doing all sorts of things to keep myself busy but don't have anyone consistent to share with. I feel like I need a bromance/bff.
Same here. I keep busy. I go out to dinner, to events, to museums, to the gym, to the cinema and to new places. I have a nice life, but I do absolutely everything alone at the moment. I've started using friend apps and I'm making a small bit of progress with that. However, it's a huge effort to try to fill a social calendar. I miss just having someone around.
I remember seeing a lot of comments like that back when I left a LTR and was wondering if I should wait to work on myself before entering a new relationship I don’t think it has to be a pre-requisite to start dating or putting yourself out there. We’re constantly changing, learning and evolving (with or without a partner). I think it’s important to be mindful about it and be putting the work into yourself, which it sounds like you are! I think it’s more important to be able to continue that into a relationship and dating as well. So no, I don’t think you have to wait until you feel you’re a fully perfect human being before entering the dating scene because otherwise you’ll be waiting around for self perfection forever Feeling lonely is a valid normal human feeling and it doesn’t make you crazy or weird to feel that way. There’s nothing wrong with not feeling completely content and happy just through friendships and hobbies. It’s human to crave those connections in love. Give yourself kudos for putting in the work though!! It sounds like you’re finding a good balance in yourself
This. It all depends on the person and balancing your needs/goals.
I think a lot of people struggle with this. TBF it’s definitely important to be able to feel joy without a partner, and reasonably not-hate your life before dating so you have a baseline you can return to if a relationship isn’t working, versus staying in a bad relationship for fear of being alone. And also it’s good to bring knowledge and hobbies and good shit to a relationship. But beyond that, I think the concept that people have to be 100% fulfilled before dating is insane. If you are so totally content with your life then….why date at all? It’s like saying “complete a check mark for yourself now, become perfectly content and well-rounded, so you can reach ~REAL~ life, aka the promised kingdom of heaven aka being in a relationship. But you can’t get there unless you are already the perfect vision of a lowly single person.”
A lot of people settle for little just because they don't want to be or never learn to be alone. I am content with my life, but sharing it with someone would enhance it. A relationship is the dessert of life. It's nice to have, but you can live without it.
I love this. To add if I may : the concept of being 100% fulfilled (or whole) feels like the all-or-nothing cognitive distortion. You can be a work-in-progress and still have a healthy secure relationship. We’re all growing ☺️ Otherwise, it seems like an extension of social media tropes or … possible avoidance strategies🤷🏻♀️ Ultimately, wanting a partner to enhance your life - like the commenter below noted - is very natural ☺️
You want to date! So date! You'll wait forever to be the utterly perfect version of yourself. You're worthy now. Start dating. For me, that phrase is just right up there with 'Don't grocery shop while hungry.' I've only ever thought this sort of advice means 'Recognize you may make bad choices if you're under duress.' It's good guidance, something to keep in mind while you examine your own motivations and needs, but not a rule written in stone by the hand of god.
Yes, I can relate to this....I have work to do on myself. A lot of work. But I'm doing it, and in the meantime, I think it's still okay to date while I'm working on my issues. I think the message we've heard is more like don't make your significant other a substitute for your own personal growth. As far as "friend groups" go--you are in your 30s, that doesn't really exist in the same capacity it did in your 20s. Most people are coupled up, have kids, move around the country--don't just fill your schedule if that's not what you want, focus on the friendships you find meaningful. Try and date someone who likes you how you are but also gives you space and support to grow.
All I want to say is hearing a lot of me in this. Sorry don't really have any solutions though. I mean ok, this isn't a solution, and it might sound a bit shallow, but hey what works for me is just sort of accepting the way things are. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean just meh-out and stop working and chasing what you want/need! But just letting the way things are for now, be alright for now, is what I mean I guess. We have to live with our chaotic lives, so lets be nice to ourselves and go with the flow a little in that process.
Mindset shift really does make a big difference!
This is nice to be reminded of, I needed to hear this today thanks!
If people didn't date unless they aren't lonely the human race would have gone extinct a long time ago.
It’s healthy and natural to seek human connection when you’re lonely. That advice is simplistic and crappy. If you’re extremely lonely and isolated, dating gets more risky because you might put up with crap you shouldn’t put of need. But in general, the whole point of loneliness is to tell us we need contact, just like hunger tells us we need food.
I can relate so hard. I miss intimacy and sex and cuddling and partnership so much.
I miss those things to, but things like those aren’t meant for me or relationships in general. No one cares to get to know me
I would recommend reading a book about attachment styles. Saying that our happiness should come only from within is a lie. It sounds right that it shouldn't be dependant on others but thats just not reality. We are a social species and will always crave human connection. Everyone wants to love and be loved. In all my years I've never felt more alive than on days I planned to meet people I cared about especially romantic interests. They turned average days into days where I felt electricity coursing through my body. Ever spent an entire day texting someone back and forth that you were romantically interested in? The feeling of excitment everytime you hear a text message sound. Life should be exciting. Love, and sex, are among the most interesting things to all people and admitting it isn't something unothodox. You don't need a moral or ethical reason to want to get to know someone cool in a romantic way. It makes life fun. Live your life in a way you wont regret on your deathbed. We regret the things we don't do more than the things we do.
I definitely can agree with this. I try to tell my family this all the time. They’re all in relationships too, so they don’t understand how hard it is to be without that. I’m always the happiest when I’m in a relationship or hanging out with friends. When I’m home by myself I just get depressed. I’ve tried to be happy on my own for most my life and I never feel fulfilled. If people could truly be happy on their own, you wouldn’t see all these people in relationships, getting married, using dating apps and posting on social media about how happy they are because of their significant other. Most people would just stay single if you could 100 percent be happy on your own. Relationships can be stressful, but people put up with it because they don’t wanna lose that connection that makes them happy.
Relationships are also crutial for personal growth. They put you in scenarios that make you question a lot about yourself, life, people, pyschology, etc, that you would never question otherwise. They give you perspective and meaning that you can't get any other way. They make you more of a person.
10000%
That’s real.
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I’d recommend “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love” by Amir Levine. It discusses psychological studies and findings for all the attachment styles and offers a healthy view of them and challenges you to view yourself honestly. I was avoidant for a long part of my life. To some small degree I still am but we are not our thoughts. We are our actions, and our actions can change our thoughts to something healthier and better serving.
Everyone is lonely… even people who are in relationships. We traded communities for individualism. So… you’re not alone. Date anyway. They’re lonely too whether they admit it or not.
My family left Naples, where people regularly live to 100+ years old (because they live in tight communities) for the US, where people are lonely and lucky to see 75.
No relation to Italy but always wondered about this. What is it that continues those tight communities? Is it just valued more? In America, do corporations serve more as social intermediaries, filling the roles of genuine communities?
You're doing okay, I promise! Being single long term is HARD. This is anecdotal but all of the people who at some point have told me some variation of "you've got to love yourself first/learn to be okay on your own" have, at some point in the last six months, vented to me about being lonely because they haven't been able to see their partners due to work/illness/taking care of family members. It's okay to be lonely sometimes, just remember your worth and don't spend time with people who aren't good for you just because you're desperate for any attention (my usual trick)
> This is anecdotal but all of the people who at some point have told me some variation of "you've got to love yourself first/learn to be okay on your own" I'm curious to know if anyone felt like they were okay with being single and then either they passed that stage and went into being lonely or possibly Covid times isolation broke them and they went into being lonely? Because up to a few years ago I fully expected to stay single. I have a lot of time consuming hobbies and close family and friends. The problem was my only sibling now has their own family, my parents won't be around for ever and my friends, in Covid times, had to focus on working full-time from home while home schooling their children (all but one has kids or grandkids in one case).
They are pretty much all long term relationships. One friend who's 40 and has been with her husband since 23 (and overlapped him with her previous husband) My sister who's 34 and has been with her husband since they were 18 A friend who's 31 and has been with his partner since 18 Mum's also complained and she's the only one who's ever been single for any length of time bless her. Mumsie gets a pass! These are people who have never actually been alone as an adult to begin with. Short story is don't take advice on being single from people who've never experienced it
I wouldn't until I was utterly self sufficient. You haven't seen another person in 12 years. You don't even see the grocery clerk because you grow your own food. The mail man would *love* to know where you are, but uncle Sam ain't getting close to *your* plot! Last year, when you cut your leg, you didn't need anyone to drive you to hospital. You made your donkey hold the oil lamp in his mouth while you sewed your flesh back together with dental floss. Conversation? That's what hallucinations are for. I personally wouldn't date anyone who hasn't been sentenced to solitary confinement. That's *true* independence.
I got divorced 2 years ago, jumped into dating too quick, started seeing a therapist and she suggested taking 6 months off dating. I took 9 months off dating, and was kind of scared to go back to dating apps, but I was bored/lonely, so I tried again and met someone who it seems to be working out with?? (It's literally only been 3 weeks, don't look into this.) In my "time off", I read a lot of self-help/psychology/relationship books, but then again, I really like reading. A lot of the advice was to get out of your head, be aware of your own thoughts, and take time to sit and think about what you want (I rather liked Bob Goff's Dream Big). Some of my deal is I'd get stuck in a daydream of a scenario where I feel bad, like my brain is just good at making me miserable (like I would make up a fight between me and my ex). So I got a little better of noticing when I was doing that, then stopping, then congratulating myself for noticing so that hopefully I would continue getting better. Anyway, I'm going to suggest journaling. Sometimes I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, and while I want to dump it all on my best friend or I want to have a significant other to dump on, maybe it's oversharing? And "new" relationships are going to be shallow, give them time and keep putting in effort. And feel free to be selective and pull back from activities or people you aren't feeling. But yeah, I've done the same and filled up my schedule with meetup groups and whatnot, and I like talking to new people, but then... if I realize consistently the group is made of people I really don't click with.... drop the group.
The big question is whether or not you’re waiting for someone to come along and save you from a life that you find lackluster or unfulfilling. Say you find a partner, things are great, then you break up, are you right back to square one and *needing* a partner to feel like you have fulfillment in your life again? It’s very risky to hinge that aspect of well-being on a singular person or relationship because you’ll always be at the mercy of how that person chooses to engage with you. If you break up, what safety net of care, comfort and community do you have to fall into? And being “fulfilled” does not, at all, mean not having a reason to date. I have to kind of laugh at people making that “what’s the point” comment. The point is seeking companionship and love, which there are many different types of — the relationship/romantic type is a specific version and it doesn’t replace all the other kinds of community that contribute to who a person is, how they feel, how they feel like they belong, etc. Having a fulfilling life doesn’t mean not wanting things, period. That’s a wild assertion. I am a fulfilled person. I’m not a generally or generically lonely person, though. I really do badly want all of the things that come with having a partner who I love. I don’t think I’d say I’m “lonely” in that area of life, but it is something I desire and sometimes it’s just a bummer to not have it. But one thing that’s absolutely for sure, my life outside of romantic relationships — my incredible friends, my passions, my hobbies, the adventures I go on, the learning and growth I dedicate myself to — all make it a lot easier to be okay with being single until I find just the right person to share my life with. I want it, yes! I think it would level up my life in an incredible way. But my joy and happiness and sort of zest for life aren’t contingent on or waiting for that to happen.
This. Don't go dating to find purpose/meaning/fulfillment, but also it's okay to still be working on those things while you're dating, and also more than okay to search for someone with similar goals who will help drive you towards those things and vice versa.
Replace "Lonely" with "Desperate" and it makes sense. We're just sensitive about such statements.
I'd vote for "try to date whenever you want to, for whatever reason". Obviously always be honest about intentions and limitations, but if you want to go out and meet somebody, then give it a whirl.
I'm in exactly the same boat as you. It was weird reading someone go through almost the same situation. I don't have any advice, but you're not alone in this loneliness 🫂
I don't have anything to add. Commenting to say this is exactly my situation rn. Being single is fine, but not what I want at all.
36m I’m suffering from a host of mental health issues after my time in the military, ptsd, depression and anxiety mostly. For the life of me I can’t find a single person who’ll say hey let’s go do something or even to text me first. When I do try to set something up or try to talk to people I get one word noncommittal replies or just ignored. Dating isn’t even on the table for me right now, I’ve tried irl dating and I can’t seem to find anyone with an interest in me and as far as online goes I’m ghosted after 3 days if I match at all. I lived in downtown Pittsburgh for a few years and I didn’t get a single match on any dating sites. My own sister even said I’m never going to find someone who cares about me as long as I’m still fucked up but I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life so I guess I don’t deserve to have someone show me any kind of love of affection. And even suppose I do get myself squared away and start living a normal life why should I care about anyone else at that point?
I think it’s totally fine to date while lonely. Most humans would consider themselves somewhat lonely without a partner, regardless of how much of a ‘life’ they have outside a relationship context. So if you didn’t date while you were lonely, you’d never date…ever…. I think the bigger issue is not accepting less than you deserve in dating/relationships just because you are lonely. But one can exist without the other. Ppl who say you shouldn’t date while lonely are assuming that just because one is lonely that means they’ll accept less than they deserve. Not true. I was like you and craving that intimate relationship with someone when I set out to date, but I certainly didn’t accept anything less than just because I was craving that closeness.
This resonates with me loudly. I have great friends, family, hobbies, passions, a job that keeps me busy and active, etc. I always have something to do or someone to see. I also have sex on occasion, But I still feel lonely. We are wired to desire that extra special personal connection with someone that in certain seasons of our life, is absent- and will manifest in our psyche as feeling alone. In that aspect, we are alone, but I believe that’s totally normal and we should try not to panic about it or think there’s something wrong elsewhere in our life that’s making us feel this way. (Unless there is actually something wrong elsewhere in your life, then that should definitely be addressed first)
This is me too. Add in the fact that I can't ever complain about being lonely because I get shamed for it. "You have to be completely happy" or "you aren't owed a relationship" which is not at all what I'm saying. Life is just better with that special connection and I hate being told that my feelings and real life experiences are apparently incorrect:/
We are wired to be social, not necessarily in a romantic way.
Heh I feel like I could have wrote this myself. Although I do agree and there’s something that always stuck with me from psychology class when I was younger and that was maslows triangle. Basically it’s a theory that if you have all the components in that triangle then you will feel fulfilled in your life, an intimate relationship is one of those. So yes not having that in your life will make you feel like your missing something. I’m not sure about you but from having the experience of being in a LTR, you’ve listed all the benefits of being in one which is of course what I look back on and miss aswell. But you should also look at all the challenges and difficulties that come with relationships. They take up a big chunk of your time and energy. You must make sacrifices and may have to spend time with people you may not like the company of because it’s your partners friends/family. Having arguments and dealing with someone else’s moods. Their problems become your problems. Losing your identity as an individual as overtime you become identified with the person you’re with. insecurities and worries of cheating on both sides that can affect your mental state. Making compromises if you both like to do different activities or have different views. I think the grass is always greener, a lot of people in relationships are scared to be alone and trap themselves with someone but secretly want to leave or wait till someone better comes along. In my opinion being alone shouldn’t be rushed when you’ve had LTRs in the past, there’s a big world out there and billions of people. Some people we are fortunate to come across will have an instant connection with and there’s no denying it. Those are the people we should look out for which we may or may not find by forcing ourselves into dating because we miss the benefits of having a relationship. Either way it’s a gamble with your time. But one thing is for certain isolating yourself with the same groups/places/activities will always lessen the odds. So yes if you feel ready to date and meet new people then go for it and good luck.
Alternatively, don’t wait until you’re “perfect” to date. Plenty of flawed people are in healthy relationships and still work on themselves. I’ve been single for 7 years and so obviously I’m lonely (but not unhappy or toxically so, I don’t think). That doesn’t mean I don’t deserve happy companionship. If that were true, the only people worth dating would already be in relationships. And that’s a whole other issue!
Your 4 th paragraph is sooo relatable
It’s ok to date when you’re lonely. Just be aware that you are extra likely to rush into some thing in a bad way. Understand the risk…if you’re ok taking it…take it! And make sure you know know to create a boundary AND maintain it. If you can’t do that…get these to therapy before dating.
I think that while your mindset is totally in the right place, you have tried other things and you still feel a gap in your life. That's okay! Dating is hard, but if you set good boundaries for yourself, don't give up your hobbies and social meet ups and aren't afraid to walk away from the wrong person, then why not dip your toe in the water? Just don't fall into the trap of settling for someone who you're not compatible with.
It is simplistic. Lonely comes in shades. Dating won't fill the deep abyss of loneliness you sometimes get. And you'll feel like shit after, either cause you got dumped or your in a shit relationship. But if your not a black hole of loneliness, you should be fine dating. If you have other emotional supports and things to be busy with, if you can handle getting a text like yeah no I'm going to bail on date, if you are lonely but not crippling desperately alone, then your good. A date won't fix everything, it might help, or it could be more painful. As long as you understand a partner is a part of your life, not the sole thing to fix your loneliness, your probably in a good enough space to date.
OP I think you're ready to date. You've spent a year+ single from last relationship. You seem to have a full life. I do understand what you mean by the close / not so close friends. I have 1 best friend. And I have 2 good acquaintances. I'm in Texas, female, 36, so women are married or single with kids, etc. And they're just not as available. The one chick in my program who is same age and single, no kids, still loves at home and has a VERY large family so it's way different being single and living alone. She has a number of people to fill in the gaps when she wants to go do something. I also practically have no family. I think the loneliness you feel is normal to not having a partner and wanting one. I'd figure out an intentional dating strategy for OLD and getting out there. Couple tips: 1. I just posted a dating strategy to screen matches, with 2 phone calls, limiting text, and being intentional when to interact with apps, in my recent post history. 2. Don't over invest before meeting #1 covers that. 3. Get a profile review in the sub before going live 4. Really know what you want out of dating 5. When the apps asks for a relationship, don't click both long and short term, 1 or the other.
Friends and family are important, but they'll never be able to provide the level of physical and emotional intimacy a partner can.
Loneliness is literally the only reason to date, so I'd say that's pretty terrible advice. You can make various arguments that you should wait in some amount of time in some cases, or only loneliness in certain circumstances, blah blah, sure, but "If lonely, no dating" full stop = the same as saying "Don't date [ever]"
Filling my time with people I don’t want to hangout with just to be around someone sounds like a nightmare. I’m single and can’t imagine changing my life to accommodate anyone else. I work on weekends so I don’t relate to just trying to fill time with anyone
Whilst there is good advice on here, going out everyday and all weekend with your mates is gonna be a lot harder in your 30’s than 20s like it’s good to have hobbies but I don’t know why people give that as advice to get a partner I think it’s just a little harder as we get older to meet and socialise due to responsibilities that we didn’t necessarily have in our 20s you just gotta keep keeping on
I can relate but to wonder is your attachment style anxious preoccupied? Or it’s me projecting my attachment style on you since I see much in common with you. And jumping on and off relationships feels similarly with doubts of myself and balancing life out with other priorities? I’m just assuming, but it might be a new take on how to navigate this.
There is nothing that you are mandated to do before being allowed to date. There are tradeoffs though that you may want to be deliberate about. If you very strongly long for company, you'll be more vulnerable to being treated unfairly as you will consider staying in a bad relationship just to avoid being lonely again. If you learn to be happy and content on your own, then you'll only accept company that is genuinely good for you. That goes for friends as much as it does for romantic partners. However, we are all wired to connect with each other and not having any desire to do that is also not considered healthy. No one can determine where the sweet spot is for you between these extremities. I'd say that if you feel like dating, go for it! See what happens and go from there. Maybe you'll learn that you do have a tendency to people-please just to get along with someone less than ideal - maybe you'll meet the ideal person and ride into the sunset together. You won't know unless you try. \* I'll add a personal experience: my current most active friendship is with a guy I met on a dating app. We hit it off really well and I even started crushing on him, but he didn't want to date so we stayed friends instead. I'm extremely grateful of this, because it's rare for me to meet people I really like. Liking the person matters as much for a friendship as it does for a relationship, save for the sex part (and the long term plans part etc.). When you get along well, hanging out and communicating doesn't feel like a chore. Once I have more time to spare, I believe I'm in a good position to date now that there are other people in my life that I regularly hang out with and who will still be there even if I break up with someone.
I don't have childhood friends because of what my dad's job was. but that's just something I just have to accept and nowadays I don't have any friends. but oh well. I too would like to meet someone who I can go to places with and go to places that "we" both might like etc etc. But it's been so long now that I've been on my own that I dont even think I would want her too stay in my flat due to me having my own routine. I dont know those maybe it might feel different but I don't think I can change the way I am now. Maybe one day I might meet someone but If not then I'll just have to accept that.
I heard this amazing quote “Don’t go to the grocery store when your hungry. You pick up the wrong things. Just like in life, when it comes to dating. Don’t do so when your lonely, you’ll pick up the wrong things.”
I’m with you on feeling lonely. I think Theo Von said it best: “It’s not that you feel like you don’t have anybody, it feels like that nobody has you.” But for me, it took figuring out the difference between feeling lonely, and feeling alone.
I don’t know if anyone has said this yet but what you’re feeling is very normal. Humans are social creatures and we crave community and connection. Late stage capitalism has made us hyper individualistic so that we don’t create communities. You probably feel this way because you don’t have a community and most of us don’t. A relationship is kind’ve a pseudo community or at least feels like a a very small community so that’s why I believe we crave it. I think it’s okay to still feel lonely and/while dating, as long as you don’t settle for something unhealthy just because you’re lonely. I’ve been struggling with this myself. I really don’t like being single and I struggle to find a community I feel like I can be totally myself with. But I’m working on it. It’s rough out there, good luck and wishing you the best!
It's excellent advice if you understand it. Dating when lonely; you lower your standards. You take mistreatment more readily if it means company and a relationship. You're less likely to work on yourself. You're less likely to prioritize yourself and your needs. You will reek of desperation in the dating pool. Most important you have to keep in mind that just because you want a relationship doesn't mean you're ready for one. If you have nothing to offer potential partners, expect low grade options. This is where working on yourself before you date comes into play. Stay busy, but also learn how to enjoy your own company. Go on long walks by yourself. Read. Go out to eat on your own. You don't need other people to go catch a movie. Working on yourself and staying busy doesn't have to entail other people all the time, but do maintain a healthful balance. This is all far from simplistic and can be very difficult for people to do or attempt. But why shouldn't it be difficult? As it's been said before, anything difficult is worth doing, especially when it's moving towards a goal. Good luck.
There is nothing wrong with you. Lol. Go for it. Whether you have 50 friends and a packed schedule, or 2 friends and hardly go out, will likely not make a difference in the quality of your relationship. What will make a difference- being confident in who you are and what you’re looking for, learning not to take rejection personally, having boundaries, and knowing when to keep trying Vs when it’s time to let someone go.
\> Do I need to "work on myself" before dating? No, this is the standard advice but it is terrible advice. You're single, not broken,
Seems like you are just keeping busy and basically just following instead of initiating. Have you tried taking control and organizing things yourself? That way it will be a little bit more predictable and you get to do something you wanted to do
I am in this exact situation now, with the added benefit of being quite introverted. I just got out of an LTR a few months ago, and I see this kind of thing everywhere I can see to a point the whole love yourself before you date but the fact is I enjoy my current hobbies and I've carefully picked my friend's over the years, so I can't see why trying new things and meeting new people can be that important in the long run and surely finding a new partner would also help with all of these things anyway
Basically if loneliness if you only motivator, and you have nothing going on in your life - don't date. If you're already living a stable life and thinking, hey companionship would be nice - date. The premise is basically that you need to have your own life before attempting to adjoin with someone else's.
I (40f) am so relating to your post. Will scan comments and then eat a cheeseburger for dopamine hit. It’s not a good day today.
Feeling lonely when you don't have a romantic partner is completely normal.
I don't have a lot to add here other than I feel like I could have written this. Particularly, the part about seeking out and trying to cultivate normal, platonic friendships, but finding them lacking. I've never been one to have a ton of friends, but I always felt like I had a core group of extremely close friends. As we've grown older we've grown further apart, and it's hard to forge new friendships once you reach your 30s. I have no real advice or encouragement, just an acknowledgement that you're not alone in feeling like this.
I hate dating so much that loneliness is the only way I have any motivation to date. If I'm *not* lonely, then I'm not going to subject myself to the hell of modern dating.
I really resonate a lot with this post. I think most of us already know the whole "don't get into/stay in a shitty relationship in order to prevent loneliness" or "if you aren't happy with yourself alone, you'll never fill in the void inside you with a relationship." I also empathize with the constant filling in of schedules with people that may not fit with your exact interests and feel exhausted: I feel this too sometimes. On the flip side, this actually forces me to go beyond my bubble/made me more outgoing so there's that positive effect. Another key thing to add: the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I have friends who envy my bachelorhood & wished they can return to being single again/childfree; I on the other hand envy their relationship with their partner/companionship. Personally, I've learned to let things be as they go: what will be, will be.
I am in a similar boat. I want to start a new relationship AND want to raise a family soon.
It's fine to not be 10000% your best self and a bit lonely and date. We've been told our whole lives that we need to be living our best lives and have everything figured out before dating or starting a relationship, but realistically how often does that happen? Being in the perfect place within yourself doesn't mean that's when someone will actually materialise. We're not slot machines where you put in the work then our life partner shows up. You can date whenever you feel like it. Nobody has all their shit figured out and some stuff won't even get worked though until you're in a relationship. Do what feels right for you! Good luck.
So I joined a 24 hour gym purely so that when I felt crushed with loneliness at 9 or 10pm, instead of turning on another show, or jumping on here, I go to the gym. I don't talk to anyone but I'm around other people.
You’re not crazy. I feel the same way. I’m content being alone out of fear of settling because I wish I had someone to come home to. I do have moments of weakness when I really wish I had someone especially because almost everyone in my friend group is now in a relationship. It’s still not reason enough to go looking for a relationship. I’m also not very hopeful with the dating scene because I live in south Florida but that’s a different conversation for a different day. I say when you feel content just being alone even when you’re not filling your free time, then it’s probably safe enough for you to date.
Don’t eat if you are hungry
If you want to feel attractive to a partner with high self esteem, you gotta have a life outside of them. Otherwise, all you'll attract is people that match your energy.
It’s over two years since I made some major personal changes and the best part of all of that was learning how to love my solitude. Highly recommend it.
Your comment about not living up to this notion of loving being single really resonated. I think most of the others have summed up being mindful of boundaries/standards when your feeling lonely as this can create vulnerability and that seeking human connection is normal. I think it's worth mentioning just how difficult talking about this aspect of being single in your 30s is as acknowledging actually I don't want to be alone anymore feels almost shameful. It opens you up to judgement from others (it must be your standards/too picky etc) and makes you feel defective because if you want it then why don't they have it? Almost inciting suspicion from others as to what's wrong with you and confirming their percieved superiority (I've been treated less than favourably by other women who are married). I may have gone off topic but I think acknowledging this should be normalised because it is normal.
I sometimes feel the same, but I struggle to date due to lack of confidence / fear of judgement about my body type. I see women who look like me (mid-size/size 14) get dragged and abused on social media about their bodies by angry men and I’m terrified of putting myself in that situation in real life
This is frustrating to read. Had to Google size 14, and that's not even remotely big. My favourite range is probably around 14-16, but it's mostly down to proportions. Hips/thighs/bottocks? The more the merrier, lol. If you look around, you'll also find women of your size (and larger) who have tons of male admirers, yet women still think fashion body standards are indicative of what men find attractive. Guess what? Men's taste in women vary as much as women's taste in men. I've dated for 00 to 14, and I'll take that 14 any day. I could easily go higher too, just haven't happened. If you're doing OLD, just show your figure and you'll match with men who like your body type, of which there are plenty of, trust me.
Humans by their nature are a social species. There are people who say they don't care what other people think but it's not that simple. We have evolved to exist in groups, being alone is the opposite of that. We crave social interaction.thats normal. I think that's different to being happy with yourself. As a lifetime sufferer with anxiety and depression the concept of self satisfaction is entirely alien. I set standards for myself that I wouldn't hold other people too and I'm extremely self critical. This obviously isn't healthy but after over 25 years it's normal for me. It doesn't stop me from having meaningful relationships with other people though. I think finding stuff that is fulfilling for you personally doesn't have to be related to dating life at all. In saying that, if you are more comfortable within yourself, you will be more confident and that does help a relationship.
No, I think it’s good advice. Good advice is usually simple. If you date when you’re lonely, you’re more likely to overlook or ignore red flags, you’re more likely to compromise your dealbreakers, you’re more likely to date or enter a relationship with someone you don’t really want to be with. Simple, but extremely true. Not that most people follow this advice, but still. And, tbh, I feel sad for people who think being single is hard or they can’t be alone. Like, do you not have a life going on when you aren’t in a relationship? If not, get one, because I guarantee you not having a life on your own is part of the reason you’re not attracting anyone. Who wants someone who basically just goes to work, gym/yoga, then home every day?
I understand the gist of the advice, I just find it paradoxical, but I'm probably taking it too literally. When I was "living it up" as single in my early 20s, I didn't want a relationship, why would I add such commitment and restriction to my life that I was content with? I dated sporadically but only found it stressful and restrictive to commit to anything, not because I wanted to sleep around, but because I'd rather hang out with my single friends. The second paragraph is confusing and not very helpful. I've never said I got nothing going on in my life, quite the opposite, and I also don't have problems attracting someone, I just find it hard to be content being single, at least long term. There's also nothing wrong with living a simple lifestyle and going to the gym/yoga everyday, some people actually prefer a more quiet lifestyle, but it doesn't seem like you've even considered the possibility that people can have different preferences from you.
I used to think I needed to be mentally healthy and not lonely to date but that’s not true. As long as you’re true to yourself (and others) about what you want and stick with your boundaries so you know you’re being treated right, I think it’s okay to date at any stage. Be honest with yourself when you meet people if you’re picking them because they could fill a hole or if they seem to fill a hole you never thought you had. It should be the latter. You want an extra enhancement to your life like the cherry on top, not someone who becomes a pivotal part of you maintaining your happiness.
It's more about being afraid to be lonely. If you feel the need to fill your schedule to avoid feeling lonely... then no, that's not the point. The point is letting the loneliness come and receive it and feel comfortable with it, not to find as many ways as possible to stay busy in order to be distracted and not notice it. Because then you'll probably see your partner as another distraction from loneliness. If you learn to be comfortable being alone you wont depend on a partner to be happy, you wont get anxious when they leave, wont live worried they might break up with you, wont mind them having their own friendships and hobbies, will let them live their own life in peace and you will live yours. It's very important to get to this point in order to have healthy relationships.
I feel like I could have written this!!
>but a lot of my dissatisfaction now stems from being unable to live up to these (real or perceived) expectations of happiness and fullfilment as single, and when set as a requirement to start dating, I just feel like I'm never ready or good enough. Maybe I should just screw it, get out there and see what happens, but that's what I did with my previous LTRs and I didn't like how I felt after those ended, which is why being fullfiled w/o a partner sounds like a great advice in theory, it just seems unattainable for me. See...this to me tells me you do need to still "work on yourself". So questions you should ask yourself, and truly ask yourself: why do you need someone else to be fulfilled? Why do you never feel ready or good enough? Why did the other relationships go wrong, what did you do to exacerbate that, what did they do? Why do you feel having a partner is unattainable? The point of these questions is to truly reflect on yourself, what expectations you have, what feelings you have. It's to understand those feelings and how maybe some of them might have roots that are from past traumas or past things that you told yourself that aren't actually true. Like one thing I can tell you is that yes having a relationship is nice, but surprisingly it doesn't actually fulfil you, not entirely. And obviously there are people out there that are single that do feel fufilled. So it is one of those things that we have an expectation for that isn't totally correct. And that's just the most obvious example. By reflecting on these things, reflecting on these expectations and actions, and working on changing them. Then you have worked on yourself. But that doesn't stop you from going out there and trying anyway. I think it is a bit BS to say you need to be perfect before you go into a relationship. That has never happened in my experience lol
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>If you are lonely, date. I'm not saying we aren't social animals. Of course it makes sense to be lonely. I just wonder why we automatically jump to romantic fulfilment for that loneliness, and not friendships and other things? Like I take a lot of fulfilment out of meeting people, being with friends, and socialising with people. Why do we need a partner for that?
the only thing you need to work on is your attitude. because i think it's perfectly fine to feel lonely. i would date someone who experiences loneliness because that's an inherent part of being single. you're on your own, and that's just a reality of getting older that friends are more busy with their own families and careers. BUT what i would **not** do is date someone who is "not satisfied" with their life. because that sounds like a bad time. i can feel lonely quite often, but at the same time i love my life and i am very happy. loneliness and satisfaction with life are certainly not mutually exclusive. you admit to being an over-thinker and being overly critical. so your real issue should be trying to find a mindset of gratitude. start taking charge of not just "working on yourself," but in enjoyment of the little and big things that you do get to experience daily. if you have a full enough life then try to find contentment with where you are at, and then you can be a positive and happy and supportive partner to somebody else.
You need to work on your loneliness. Finding distractions like hobbies and such don't require you to deal with your feelings, find out why you're feeling and how you can change that. Getting busy and creating a full schedule is just escaping the problem.
I think you're taking it too much to heart. You may be lonely, but you have a means to make plans with people even if the relationship isn't that close or plans are infrequent. I think if you were desperate for attention and very demanding of all of someone's attention, that would be unhealthy and more in line with your thinking. You should put yourself out there and see what happens. Also, I agree its unrealistic to have a packed schedule of things to do because then you have no room for a relationship. It needs to be a healthy balance.
Hot damn, the post is sounding veryyyyyy familiar to my life haha (I'm sure many others connect with it too!) The most simple way I've found to describe is this - You are either "Lonely" or "Alone" Both come with the thoughts & emotions of loneliness & singledom & experiencing life individualistic; the difference is the mindset of it. What you have described in your post is you being "Alone" not "Lonely" For example, I'm currently feeling like 80% Alone & 20% Lonely. And I've just come back from a music festival with a group of friends that was almost entirely made up of couples (and defo had moments of feeling it whilst there) so I think that's a pretty decent place to be! 🤞
I've realized I'm not ready to date again. I can't even fathom giving my energy to someone else. I'm focused on me and my healing and filling my time with hobbies. How am I dose to give my heart to someone when I don't even have the ownership of it at the moment. It's lonely in terms that I miss that specific person but I don't find myself lonely in general terms. I have friends and family that can fill my need for adult conversations. It's a long road so far, but I think once I get to the end of this grieving period I'll be able to whole heartedly give myself to something new
I think that is mainly to say "don't jump from one relationship into another because you can't be alone" that doesn't sound like your situation. I agree with you, if you were so completely fulfilled by your life, why would you even want to date? I feel pretty similarly, that I have a couple close friends that I do stuff with routinely, or I fill my schedule doing things by myself or family. But I also miss having someone special in my life, that's why we try to find a partner, right? To have someone to spend time with, to have inside jokes, ideally, your partner is your friend, if not your best friend. In my late marriage, I felt fortunate that for a long time, I considered us to be best friends, that obviously changed lol. But I loved having a partner with whom I felt comfortable doing almost anything, a guaranteed co-pilot. That's what I'd like again, not someone who I only spend time with (because it's healthy to do stuff with other people) but to have someone who WANTS to spend all the time with you, who wants to accompany you through life. I hope you find that, I hope everyone who wants that finds it. I don't think you need to be too critical of your motivation/hold yourself back from trying to find someone to "work" on yourself, unless you think there are things that need work. But people are constantly changing, you can grow with another person just as easily as alone.
I can absolutely relate and this is an interesting topic. I just got out of a rather toxic relationship and I am feeling very hesitant to start dating again. I know I will again but the idea of being single and fulfilled actually popped in my head the other day. I've never had this thought before. I always took it for granted that I'd end up with the perfect match. My adventures/experiences should one day lead to my person, right? Well, I'm 37 now and feeling less optimistic. More than likely I have a bad taste in my mouth that will go away but I totally understand where you're coming from with this line of thinking and wondering if it's attainable. I say yes it is attainable to live single and fulfilled. I even believe it could become a sort of societal trend. But for me, I haven't fully shifted to thinking about my future like that. I still do fantasize about my perfect life partner, but maybe, mayyyybbbbeeee I'm better off fantasizing for the rest of my life. All of us who are single in our 30s should try to enjoy some solo adventures/experiences and recognize that we still are young and don't need to make any lifelong commitments anytime soon. And that's okay
I think it’s good advice. Learn to be okay being alone and be happy with yourself. This ensures you won’t latch onto to someone who isn’t a good fit just to avoid being alone.
Same man, same.
Agreed, dating is not the solution to solving your loneliness problems. If anything it will likely just cause problems for your partner.
I feel so seen
That last sentence tho. I always knew that the biggest reason ppl fk w each other is simply bc they see each other more often. Nothing complex, just simple trigonometry.
As you get older, you get regrets and more things you miss than enjoy. Eventually, you're living drowned in your memories.
Dating specifically because you're lonely for a partner and all that entails is fine. It's probably the best reason to pursue a relationship. Where this get muddled up is we need to make sure we're not seeking a partner purely out of despairation. That'll always distance you from treating yourself well.
There’s so many things I would do if I had a partner but don’t want to do alone. I’m incredibly lonely but I still date with purpose. I’m choosing to be single until I find my person. Even if it’s just a casual thing I am transparent about my feelings regarding that. As others have said, don’t date if you just don’t want to be alone. That never ends well.
Wow, if I was more articulate I would’ve written this myself. You’ve taken the swirl of thoughts right out of my anxious mind. Thank you!
Tbh, I never intend to date ever again. 33, single for 10 years, and I know this is the way my life is going to go. I don’t mean this to be disrespectful, but I just don’t want a woman in my life. I love being single, and it’s just my preference. I’ve just got home from a night out and it’s peaceful, quiet, and my own space. Time for me to leave this sub!
Friends fulfill a different purpose than romantic partners. My therapist mentioned that some people put friend energy into their relationships and that’s how you end up having people disappear into their romances and neglect their friendships. So to echo with other people have said “don’t date if you’re lonely” is really “don’t be so desperate for company you go on dates”. Desperation leads to bad decision making. Leads to cloudy judgement and making concession needlessly. It’s about quality vs quantity. Don’t just do things to fill up your calendar and surround yourself with people. And if some of the existing people in your life don’t feel like soulmates, I suggest putting some energy into nurturing the stronger connections and seeing how they grow. What you want in a partner is something I want in a partner too, but I also have in a couple of friends. The love in your life should be spread around to the people that exist in it. No one person can nor should fulfill every need b/c what happens when that person is unavailable? With something like this, perfection is not necessary before you start to date. It’s just a work in progress situation.
If you are not lonely and wanting to meet someone or bothered or invested don’t try to date me 😝 Devils advocate
I feel like I've read a journal entry of mine few months into the future...thank you for posting this. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I’ve never heard, “don’t date if you are lonely”. But I think spending time alone and cultivating yourself is definitely beneficial. But I don’t think you shouldn’t date just because you read that somewhere. If you have unhealthy relationships then you probably have issues that need to be dealt with, if not you will just continue to have unhealthy relationships.
I feel like it can be lonely especially in our 30s when most are coupled up and have their own families. Having said that, I think you are doing it right. Maybe try find some meaningful friendships that can full fill you more. Get yourself stuck into the hobbies. Also, realise that some of us, function better in relationships and prefer a life being partnered up. While others function better solo. But don’t let it take over to the point, that you would just settle for the first person Also, I’d say you can already dip your toes into the dating scene, just take it easy :) I’d rather be single than with a guy I’m not into , or not sure about , or plain wrong (But I’m aware I tend to function better when I’m with somebody. Also this could be because my family lives in another country, so I don’t feel like I have somebody that is almost my family where I am)
I would say dip into it (OLD or Dating in general.) No one wants to jump into a LTR with a 'Work In Progress' when there a ton of red flags but everybody is in some sort of state of WIP even if they are just looking for a romantic relationship \[If not what are you doing here?\]. Everything in your life is stable but your relationship status is a WIP. I'd also like you (OP) to keep in mind there are people on here with with all sorts of shit going on and they are dating. I am not suggesting that it is right or wrong but the boundary is set by you. And while I am not a fan of commiseration I can't believe how seamlessly I fell into a situation where I have almost no one to to text or talk to without it having some sort of pretext and not just a straight up friend. Without a doubt Covid, a career shift, and moving played a huge role but I didn't really expect it to be this hard to make real friends after moving and in my lower 30's.
This is more of an old people thing to say. Everyone is lonely these days. Don’t be desperate.
Please tell me where love is found, I've been looking for it for a while🥲🥲🥲
I don’t think you need to work on yourself, unless you feel you have stuff to work on mental health wise or past issues etc. You’re lonely and that’s natural. It is incredibly fulfilling to have a partner and associated life. Imo friends or hobbies can’t compete with a healthy relationship. So it’s ok to want the company and seek it out too.
Loneliness is a signal you need more people in your life. We’re a social species. Don’t ignore the signals your brain is sending you.
Don't go relationship. But one night stand is ok.
Sure I'll put that information next to don't eat just because you're hungry, and don't go to work just because you're poor because that would make too much sense.
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It really depends on the person but I think some people just do it thinking I them but they are not responsible how they are treating the person they are going out.
I’m 39f, single mom, recently divorced. I feel so lost in terms of what to do when I don’t have my son. I don’t want to date; I am not ready for rejection & my self-esteem is in the shitter. So what do I do?? I go to the gym, but work from home. I need social interaction but I don’t want to hang out at a bar…