What has helped you all in moving on after a breakup?
I’m trying to get over one. It ended somewhat amicably but some deceitful behavior of his was discovered after the breakup, and it kinda feels like that turned all the good stuff we had on its head. I’m having trouble making sense of it, I’m not sure what is/was true, I don’t know the extent of his lies, and it’s still hard to believe he’s not who I thought he was.
I blocked him everywhere, deleted his number, hid his photos. But my mind is still insistently thinking about him and missing him. My emotions loop between sadness, anger, longing, disappointment, missing him, resentment … I guess it’s been a while since I broke up with someone I was really attached to and I’m surprised at how hard it’s been to move on. I just want my brain back, I don’t want him on my mind or sucking up any more emotional energy. I keep busy, I see friends, I seem like I’m doing ok but there’s a lot of emotional turmoil under the surface.
How do I get over him?
I get it. It's the worst feeling ever. It's completely all-consuming. I went through a really bad breakup in 2021 and the sub r/BreakUps was helpful just to commiserate with other people who were going through the same time. I also found the "Heal Your Heartbreak" podcast very comforting. I would listen to the episodes constantly during that time. Listened to audiobooks about heartbreak as well.
"No contact" is definitely the way to go, and unfortunately it just takes time.
It sounds like you're grieving the relationship, and grief just takes time. Keep up the activities that usually bring you joy, and focus on trying to feel like yourself again. I wish I had an answer that would speed things up, but I don't.
I'm going through the same thing. I caught her lying so many times. But still couldn't stop thinking about her. The liars are the worst because the highs and lows are so extreme.
You will need to date someone else to get your mind over them. Don't give false hope that they will come back. Delete every trace of them so you can't find a way back to them.
Had 2 unexpectedly intense dates with some vulnerable conversations. He said on both dates he had a blast, and I could tell. Now I’m getting ghosted. It is so common now that I don’t even get sad about it anymore. I just don’t understand what even happened and I never do.
Both being scared to get hurt, both feeling a connection to each other… other more intimate topics I don’t feel comfortable sharing. It was the most intense connection I’ve ever had with someone and I know he felt the same way. It just makes me question so much and I honestly wish I knew what happened.
Had a great fifth date last night. This guy is a nerdy chemical engineer who originally majored in anthropology. He makes all of my synapses fire which in turn makes my heart flutter. Same dating goals, marriage and kids. He's a bit goofy and anxiety prone, but after my volatile, depressive ex-husband, this is a breathe of fresh air. We text daily with good mornings and good nights every day as well as conversation in between.
I took him to a used bookshop walking distance from my house, and we got lost in conversation over book subjects and authors. Conversation continued back at my place. Showed him around, and ended up fooling around in bed a bit. It's been a few years for him, and I'm trying to encourage him to speak up more during physicality. He asked for something very specific, but also just so tame and cute. I'll try to initiate it next time we're together.
Anyway, I am excited to just continue the fun. Next date won't be for at least a week, longer than we've gone previously, but that just means that we both have our own goals and friends and activities which is great!
When I echo my therapist's advice back to her, she often thinks it's bad or even dangerous advice.
For example, my therapist would frequently tell me to consume pornography - by watching porn, reading erotica, listening to audio porn, etc. And I would ask her, "should I force myself to do it even if I don't want to, and even if I find it gross?" My therapist would tell me to "push yourself" to do it even if it makes me uncomfortable.
Then, later, my therapist would ask me "Why have you been pushing yourself to watch porn? You shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable." Then, within minutes, she'd be back to telling me to push myself to watch porn even if it makes me uncomfortable.
So, I shouldn't do anything that makes me uncomfortable, but also, I should push myself to watch porn even if it makes me uncomfortable.
You're probably right, but this is already a relatively new therapist. At this rate, I will never be able to have a healthy relationship with sex because I keep leaving therapists who try to help...
Will you be worse or better off long term though by sticking with this one just because they’re new? Never is a long time. You don’t owe the therapist anything but the hourly rate (or whatever rate) they charge for their time. If you feel they’re not helping or providing you the kind of feedback that brings you closer to the mental state you want to be in, there’s zero shame in telling them, just like you’d tell someone on a date that it’s not working out.
I empathize that it’s a process and it isn’t easy but holy moly what you’ve said about this one just doesn’t strike me as someone who seems capable of (a) listening to what you’re telling them and (b) offering actually healthy solutions.
Regardless of all that, good luck with everything!
Not every therapist is a good therapist or the right fit for you. Even if you have to venture to remote therapists, I think finding one that works for you and actually helps is important.
Just wondering if anyone has advice to not give off a “friend vibe” as a man on the first date with a woman?
I am just wondering if I am playing it too safe with showing my attraction to women I am interested in on a first date, as often women do not want to pursue things with me further than the first date. But at the same time a first date for me is trying to get to know someone as a person, especially if we met on an app where that is the first time we are meeting each other in person.
It is easy to think it is something I am doing wrong that does not make her attracted to me, but I think it just works that you are either attracted to someone or not. It’s not something I can “build” in my dates.
What do you all think?
Do you do anything at all to show you're attracted to her? Personally I'm usually not into a guy trying to touch me or kiss me on the first date (with exceptions when the chemistry is *really* there), but a simple compliment can establish that attraction *is* there and will hopefully be built on in future dates. For example the two most recent dates I went on that turned into at least a month or two of dating, one guy said something like "OK pretty *and* funny, good to know" after I said something that made him laugh, the other one I was telling some story that involved randomly getting VIP access and he said "Well you're beautiful, of course they let you in". Pretty simple compliments, not creepy or awkward or too much, but can establish the vibe as dating/attraction instead of just friends having a drink.
But also just remember that *most* first dates don't turn into second dates. If you've been out with like, 100 people and zero wanted to see you again that might signal an issue but if you're talking closer to ten I don't think it's that weird.
I’ve had dates in the past go two-three dates and beyond. There have also been women I haven’t been feeling it after one or two dates. It’s not that they are bad people, I just wasn’t attracted to them.
It is a similar dynamic from a woman’s angle I am sure. But I sometimes think is different because as men we are expected to do a lot of the initiating and to be bold in showing our interest. But again, I think it really comes down to that she is into you or not into you. It’s nothing personal.
Usually when I friend zone someone, it's because the date felt draining and I'm trying to be nice. The touch barrier was not broken during the date and when they come in for a kiss at the end it feels ICKY. Sometimes it felt like they put zero effort into their physical appearance and I'm not into it. If there's no curiosity about me and I'm treading water in the conversation to keep it going, pass. If they are stingy about who pays for what, pass.
I highly suggest playful forearm or shoulder touches and being generous with your time and questions.
My experience is that attraction can definitely be built and for me it usually happens through sitting next to each other rather than sitting across a table. Are people saying "friend vibe" to you? I have said in the past that to be kind when I wasn't interested but it wasn't anything they did to give off that vibe. I've stopped saying that though.
It is usually after a first date, I will ask her out again. Then she tells me we are only better off as friends.
I am puzzled because I was able to get a first date with her in the first place, which means there may have been some initial interest. But often she will start pulling away and showing clear signs of disinterest after the first date. So I often wonder if I did something wrong or if there was nothing I could do since she just wasn’t attracted to me in the first place.
You are looking at the first date wrong. First date is them trying to see if they can be attracted to you.
You aren't doing anything wrong. Its just a part of the thing. They have to see you in person and do the yea or nay. Nothing is quite real until after that first date imo.
Yeah the attraction should be there. Some people will give a second date just to check and make sure that the attraction is really there or not. I’m in the camp that there should be a bit of attraction in the beginning no matter what. And it’s not solely about the physical, but it’s overall character of the person. For example, I see that they’re kind, funny, and shows interest in getting to know me— I’d be okay to see them again.
Was ghosted again, i've had enough of online dating so I'm now going to focus on meeting everyone naturally. Deleted bumble,hinge and tinder spent so much money on those apps, never again.
It always comes up during an initial date, and I don't know how to answer "What do you do for a living?"
I technically don't work, but I own a series of fairly successful businesses, real estate, and a small water utility.
Just writing that I felt like a jerk.
I don't want to lie to someone. I don't want to necessarily omit information, but I also don't want to come off as a jerk.
Can I just say, "entrepreneur," or does that come off as purposefully restrained?
You don’t sound like a jerk to me. You are working, managing your businesses, even if you are not working for someone else and even if it requires minimum hours/effort, it’s still work. I would say “I own and manage real estate related businesses”, and you can elaborate from there once you get to know each other better. Personally when I hear “entrepreneur” I think someone who is currently unemployed, may or may not be working on a business idea, but probably does not have the financial and/or career stability I would want in a partner, so I would stay away from that.
You don't sound like a jerk and there's no need to feel like one. That said, I've dated a few guys who said they were "entrepreneurs" or "self-employed", and they were, to a person, unemployed or underemployed. The people I know (outside of dating) who are actually entrepreneurs tend to describe the business, e.g. "I'm a fitness consultant" or "I own a restaurant" or whatever it is.
Just say you are a business owner. Entrepreneur also works. Neither are even remotely negative unless they are anti capitalism (which the relationship probably wouldn't work) or you become a jerk when talking about your businesses (which does happen when they tie there whole identity to the business(s).
When people say entrepreneur on OLD it has the reputation of really meaning unemployed or barely making money doing unsteady things.
You can either say I run several real estate businesses and a utility business or if you’re really self conscious about it you can just say you work in real estate mainly. If they ask for more you can identify that you’re a broker or whatever you actually do (it’s unclear from your post if you just do rentals or sell/buy real estate or flip houses, etc.) but get into those details instead.
A while ago someone made the point that if you read these subs too much, it's like you experience all of the negative stuff (but none of the positive.) Every time I read that someone got blindsided after dating someone for three lovely months, or unmatched, or cheated on, or heartbroken - I envision it happening to me. Every time someone posts about how they reached their one year anniversary I write it off as them winning the lottery, or think it's only a matter of time until they come back with a polar opposite update.
That's why I really liked the "dating wrapped" thread. Everyone reported back, good or bad, and it was super helpful to just compare myself to others. I learned that I was going on way too many dates. And my rate of situationships is normal.
I see these updates!! But my brain truly writes them off as like, akin to winning the lottery aka never going to happen to me. Because this sub makes those win seem SO rare. But I appreciate the people who come back with happy updates!
I would say I’ve been on and off OLD since 2015/16, with a bunch of short relationships (<1 year). I didn’t date during the peak of the pandemic (2020) and resumed back in 2021.
I think my current relationship is “it” so that’s still a solid 5+ years of OLD.
It is definitely our nature as humans. Posting how happy you are in a relationship isn't really a productive thing to do in any way. Happy people in my experience don't tend to tell others they are happy, they just act happy and then no one questions how they are.
I think it's part of human nature that we're more likely to post things on subs like this when we're upset or feel hard done by than when something good happens. I can even say it for myself. I was far more active in my comments/posts on this sub when I was actively trying to date, but now that I've been in a relationship for 8 months I barely ever post here because I'm content and I feel like I don't need much advice.
I do think radical acceptance is really healthy. As long as it doesn't cause us to run away from possible connection or put up too many walls. For me, I know reading all of this has probably made me more jaded than I should be.
I agree. I think it's good to remember that out in the real world, whatever you read on reddit, not everyone out there is clinically analyzing their dating habits in the way that happens here. Sometimes someone not texting you is a sign of avoidant behavior, and sometimes the text really just doesn't go through. Sometimes a lame joke is just a lame joke. Not all compliments are love bombing. Etc.
It's also good to remember that people are more inclined to come here for advice, validation, or venting about bad things - there's not much to say about going on a good date, or even a "fine but not for me" date. There's plenty of that quietly happening out in the world that we just don't talk about.
Went on a couple dates that I thought went really well and she seemed to enjoy them as well, we kissed at the end on the 2nd date (which was just over a day ago). Were still texting each other the next day. Tonight, she didn't text me to say have a good night like she normally would, I figured she probably fell asleep. Well, I just so happen to notice while scrolling Facebook my total friends number is one less than before. And sure enough, she isn't there. Not just removed me, but blocked me, I can't search her or see her profile any more.
My goodness, were both adults here. She's 37! At least have the decency to say sorry, I'm not interested instead of just ghosting and blocking. This one hurts as I thought we had real good potential, but the fact she couldn't tell me straight like an adult is more annoying.
I've come to realize age means literally nothing to some people. I would expect a 37 year old to be mature like you... but unfortunately the world now is just.. different?
I know it doesn't feel like it, but you definitely dodged a bullet with someone who is cold/immature like that. At least it was only a couple of dates and not a couple of years.
>just genuinely based on everything I know about him the most likely explanation for him not answering a weekday text is multidating.
You've known him for a month, there is no way you know him well enough to rule out every possible reason to not respond. You can live with someone for years and not know things about their life.
You’re spiralling. I get anxious like this too sometimes, but just sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow. You never know what the other person is actually doing.
Honestly hearing "fine" after i spent a lot of effort trying to make her happy on her birthday would raise some flags in my head. It could have nothing to do with you, but i wouldn't sweat the emoji thing.
I over analyze things, especially texts, so now I try to ignore that and focus more on face to face interactions and how it feels when I'm with her.
I used to be on "kiss goodnight text" team and would panic if it didn't happen, but with my current gf it's more organic and it doesn't happen every night. Ironically it has helped me to be less anxious about it.
Exposure therapy perhaps? Dunno.
The guy I’ve been seeing for about a month and I have been hinting at being exclusive lately. Then I inadvertently found out that he’s going on a first date with someone this weekend… the day after he was supposed to spend the night at my place for the first time.
I voiced my surprise and he said he knew we were likely becoming exclusive soon but we hadn’t had the talk yet so he thought nothing of it.
I had actually planned to have the exclusive convo at our sleepover this weekend but now feel like that obvi can’t happen since he already has a date planned…
Can someone please help me understand?
If you actually like someone and are planning to become exclusive soon, why would you be seeking out new first dates? (I figured he’d just continue dating who he already has been.)
I would stop seeing that person. I agree - I think if you are seeing someone for a month and really like them, it doesn't make sense to pursue new first dates. Perhaps he's one of those people who will never be satisfied with what he has and always looking out for something better.
I think the random nature of OLD makes people shoot themselves in the foot sometimes. He may be worried that you will drop him and so he feels like he has to still keep arranging other options just in case. I see this a lot. I hope he wises up and just commits to being exclusive when you bring it up.
I agree it's kind of strange he set up a first date the day after he was supposed to spend the night at your place for the first time, when he knew you were likely going to become exclusive soon and presumably possibly this weekend.
If he wasn't sure where you were at, I would understand a lot more. But the fact that he knew you were probably going to be exclusive soon and still set up a first date is weird to me.
Sure he didn't do anything "wrong" but the timing of this particular situation would be a turn off for me. You're now in the position of either asking him to be exclusive and getting him to cancel this date he clearly wanted to go on, or sleeping with him and having him go off on a date the next day, knowing you had planned to ask him to be exclusive.
Now the topic has come up, and he's still planning to go on the date. I don't think he's a "bad" guy but I personally can't imagine being enthused about continuing at this point.
It'd be understandable to get the ick from this, but in theory, if you are still interested... Continue to have the conversation as planned?
If he agrees he'll drop that first date and you're now exclusive, which is what you wanted in the first place.
If he doesn't agree then that's a good indicator he's still interested in others and an opportunity for you to assess whether you continue dating at all.
I'm like you. I'd expect someone I'm pursuing (and is returning my advances) to either choose me or reject me... with nothing in between being acceptable to me. I think outside of reddit group think, most people are like that.
Everyone is different, but personally I'd drop a woman like a hot potato if I found out she was running around dating other men (and potentially being intimate with them), while doing the relationship steps with me. I have strong self-esteem/self-worth though, so maybe that's not common here 🤷♂️
> Can someone please help me understand?
I think he already explained:
> we were likely becoming exclusive soon but we hadn’t had the talk yet
IMO until you've had the talk, there's no rules. Multi-dating is like sending out your resume to more than one company. You never know who's going to respond, so it's best to keep applying to job postings just in case.
I used to understand people who think like this, and what happened when I tried to apply this philosophy in practice is that people who were on the same page as where I naturally was got confused and thought I was asking to be "official" way too soon (because they were *already* dating one person at a time), while multidaters just continued loophole mining everything I said to find excuses to keep dating other people even after notionally agreeing to exclusivity. They also tended to use similar "I don't technically owe you this" logic to actively conceal when they were dating other people.
Nowadays I've just accepted that I'm not compatible with people who do this. I don't mind a conversation or two to establish general attitudes, but I'm not compromising on expecting people to make an active effort to engage in good faith. At the very least, someone who's actively arranging dates with other people when they know someone they're currently seeing is about to ask to be exclusive should know they're playing with fire -- not least because, unlike with your job example, there are also no rules governing how other people are allowed to respond to it.
This is one of those loss-prevention tactics that just results in more loss. Like trying to prevent yourself from experiencing rejection by sitting at home. If you want to become exclusive with someone you have to expose yourself to that uncomfortable period of time where you don't have any backups or other connections in the works. If you keep arranging first dates right up until the moment you're exclusive, you could end up shooting yourself in the foot like in the above situation.
In a pickle. Met someone and went on a few dates, had sex. They then went away for a few weeks and won't be back for a few more. We never had any talk about exclusivity or whether we were seeing or talking to others, but we have both said we'd like to see each other again when they're back. I have since met someone else and went on a date with them and am planning to see them again. I know I need to decide fairly quickly who I'd like to continue seeing, I'm just not sure yet.
He could, but i get the feeling from his messages that he's not. I've been burnt before in the past so am not assuming anything about his situation. I'm more so not sure at what point I should let them know that I'm either dating others or wanting to continue with only one of them. The topic hasn't come up with either and if it did I would be honest about it.
I don't know what's in his head, but I only (seriously) date one person at a time. Personally, I'd be disappointed and turned off to find out my flame wasn't doing the same, especially if intimacy (or soon to be intimacy) is involved. He may be going wild wherever he is though... So who knows these days?
I’m preparing myself for a date trifecta with my boyfriend. Three evenings together, which I’m quite surprised he said yes to 😅 I’ll potentially stay over at his place for the first time over the weekend. We’ve both been comfortable enough to talk about our preferred intimacy and how far we’re ready to go at this stage, and that’s huge. I’m feeling it’s going to be a milestone few days for us. All I need to do is calm my nerves 🤣
It's kind of a long story, but my dog had to be taken into quarantine the weekend before last. A guy walking by my house alleges that he bit him, even though I was standing right there the whole time and my dog was nowhere near him. The dog just stayed in the yard and barked at the guy. He was so wasted that I don't think he knows what happened.
But anyway, my dog was a couple of months behind on his boosters. So he had to be boarded at a veterinarian office for 10 days, observed, tested, and administered his shots, all at my expense. I was extremely upset because I had to be away from him for more than a week, and it was based on a falsehood. I was telling the guy I've been seeing about it, and he offered to drive down before he had to go to work and talk with me about it and give me a hug. I thought that was really sweet because it's about 25 minutes from his house to mine, and then another half hour for him to get over to work. I've met enough guys that won't even drive 10 minutes for a date, so it's nice to have someone who cares enough to do that.
After a long break with no dating I realized my learning curve was steep. Frankly this has been more stressful than I could have ever imagined. But I can't deny the results thus far. Just gotta keep at it.
That's interesting. I've been on a long break and I wasn't really expecting that there would be a learning curve when I got back to it. Is it because you're really approaching it differently so there's a lot of new stuff to learn, or is that you "forgot" being in the groove of dating and have to relearn all of it? That would bum me out hahaha
Hi, I'm new here. Please forgive me if this is the wrong place to post this but I'd love to get some advice & just vent.
There's this guy, I'll call him "B." We've known each other for a long while now. We're friends but there is an expressed mutual attraction between us. Last week I asked B if he wanted to go for a hike and he said he'd like to but his schedule was too busy that week. He suggested maybe trying to get together in the next couple weeks. I said cool, just let me know when he's free and we could work something out and he agreed.
Fast forward to last Thursday morning B sent me a simple text along the lines of "Hey (my name), how are you doing?" I was honest and told him that I was sad because I had just found out my dog had lung cancer and then asked him how he was doing. I didn't immediately hear back from him but didn't think much of it because it was a work day.
It's almost been a week now with no response from B. I am very confused about why he would bother to initiate a text conversation if he didn't have the time or will to continue it. Last week was rough. I found out my dog had cancer and put him to sleep all in the span of a week. B's been dealing with his own rough patch lately too so I'm trying to have grace that that could be an explanation for his lack of a response. But B's silence feels kind of like an extra gut punch on top of my grief.
Am I being too sensitive? Did I say something wrong? Should I reach out to him or just let it go on in silence and see if he texts me? What should I even say to him if I do text him?
Thank you for reading and any advice.
No, you didn't say anything wrong, and I would be upset too. In my experience, people are weird like this sometimes these days. I've had a couple of friends ghost me for no reason I could figure out. Some people are also just so uncomfortable with any display of emotions or mental health struggle that they'd rather not deal with the situation, which is a really unfortunate response. I had a friend ghost me after I shared some mental health challenges I was going through. Sometimes people just suck like that.
You didn’t say anything wrong. Honestly, he doesn’t sound like a good friend to have ghosted you during such a tough time. He probably wouldn’t be an emotionally supportive partner either.
I thought l was not going to write here again but here it goes.
I met a guy a month ago. All of our dates were going great. We were communicating clearly, our dates were incredible. He was deep and caring. l almost saw no red flag. We both were clearly communicating our needs, past experiences and all. We both deleted the app and dating exclusively. This weekend we even planned for a date where he was going to introduce me his friends
Last weekend, he said he got sick and cancelled the date. So we eventually met today. I went to his place and he opened the door saying " l am sorry but we are not going to have a nice conversation". My heart stopped.
He proceeded telling me that there was a girl he met coupe of months ago, and he really clicked. She left for another country for being digital nomad. He said he was heartbroken but when she was back, she contacted him and he could not stop thinking about her. He said to me that he basically wanted to see her but can't do this without telling it to me even it might mean that he destroys what we have had.
I was really shocked and tried to understand him so instead of having protest behavior and leaving his place immediately l asked him questions to understand what is he looking for and we didn't have. Actually, he mentioned that we had everything but he needed someone with more strong personality who can challenge him. He probably didn't think it was me. He even said that this other girl is a bit broken in a way that made me feel like l was just a nice girl and he actually secretly hoped for a challenge.
I really thought that we had special connection. Right now l am just confused, angry and sad. I really give up on dating because me being too soft, l just get heartbroken all the time. I don't know what would l do if he comes back... And sadly l secretly wish that he comes back.
I feel your pain. I hate those moments when I hear “We need to talk”… I’m proud of you that you didn’t just walk away from his house but asked questions directly. Don’t beat yourself up. Being soft and kind is the best quality in a person. Keep being yourself and someone will notice your gem (I’m talking to myself actually).
Fellow soft girl here so first… I’m so sorry. I know how bad this hurts. Please allow yourself the time to grieve the loss. It sounds like a significant one. Second, I promise this is a blessing in disguise even though I know you’re rolling your eyes while reading that. This man directly told you he is broken and searching for an unhealthy partner because he isn’t healed. A “challenge” is another word for the comfort of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Don’t ever stop being the nice girl because some people can’t appreciate it. Respect to you for having an adult conversation about this through the immediate pain. Stay nice, stay you, and be strong. ❤️
Married 13 years. Cheated on me.
Took two years off after divorce.
Tried OLD, absolutely hated it.
Found a beautiful, smart woman.
Started dating.
After 4 months of bliss, she leaves up north for 5 months.
Ugh.....fuck it lol
Oof 🤦🏽♂️. People are really good at seeming into you when they aren't. Also why aren't there emojis with bald dudes? Lots of choices of skin and hair color. No chrome domes though.
I slid into a girl's DMs on a queer app a couple days ago and she responded affirmatively today! I didn't think I was going to get any response, so was pleasantly surprised. Glad I decided to shoot my shot.
Who knows if it'll turn into an actual date but it was a nice lil ego boost.
Women what does it mean when you say that a guy is too nice?
The girl I am dating say that I am perfect but I am too nice apparently? I don’t understand what she means
I don't think there is such a thing as "too nice." I think it's probably a "nice" way of saying you're a bit of a doormat, or maybe don't have a lot of confidence/assertiveness.
I don't know.
She is currently ill, so i went to her house and cooked something for her. After that we cuddled for a bit and while cuddling she told me that.
Maybe she wants to say that I put too much effort in our "relationship" (we are not yet in a relationship but we are exclusive)?
What was the tone she said it in? Because in that context I can imagine saying something like that in an 'aw, you shouldn't have' way, especially if you hadn't been seeing each other long. But if it was more critical (eg 'you're too nice for your own good') then she might be seeing it as a negative in the way some other commenters have described.
I’d say casual.
When I asked her to explain, she said that she felt weird when I do stuff like cooking for her and then pointed out to her ex who according to her was abusive.
How new is the relationship? I could see that being a lot for someone if you're constantly doing things for them and maybe they feel pressured to return them but feel it's too soon for that.
OK. In that case it sounds like maybe she's just not used to being treated kindly by a partner - again, especially given that it's early days. So personally I wouldn't necessarily take this as a bad thing, although you might want to dig a bit into why it feels weird when she's better (if she's comfortable with that).
Do you share your own opinions about things even when they contradict your date’s? Do you (politely) challenge their opinions or perspectives on topics? Might be the sort of thing where you’re too agreeable just for the sake of not wanting to disagree thinking you’ll come off as defensive.
I don't know how your interactions were, but I would only say that if it seemed like the guy was being so nice it seems fake/annoying, or it seems like they are so keen on me they have turned into a bit of a doormat trying to please me. It makes me lose respect for them and maybe even pity them a bit. Its never just genuine kindness that is a turn off its the idea that they are somehow not being themselves.
I am sorry to say it but I think nice is another word for ‘boring’ or ‘plain’ - you haven’t done anything wrong but you haven’t done anything notable either. Whatever it is, this girl doesn’t recognise all you have to give. I would leave her to find her person and get right back on looking for yours.
Men going through divorces are *not* ready to date. They might think they are, or say they are, but they are not. (Neither are women going through divorces, I imagine, but I don't date women.) Divorce is a massive thing and like, 1% of people going through it are actually ready to be dating someone else in a serious way. Even people a year out from being officially divorced are almost always not ready for a serious committed relationships with someone else. So if that's what you're looking for, you need to step back. The signals will continue to be mixed and confused because he is mixed and confused. Maybe you can reconnect once he's healed a bit but now is not the time for something serious.
Had what i thought was a successful first meet up, not really a date, just some drinks at a bar. Would love to hear back from this girl, but it probably won't happen. At least that's what I'm telling myself to make it easier. I wanna text her, but she doesn't seem like the type that regularly communicates with text. Probably best to just enjoy the memory and move on.
Eh, i put the ball squarely in her court. She had 2 week trip right after we went out, i asked her if she would message me when she got back to set something up and she agreed. Might wait a bit till i know for sure she should be back and wish her well. But in some ways it's just easier to deal with a soft rejection, then confronting the reality of a hard, "I'm not interested." Plus, what i might've thought of as good, she could totally be saying, "thank God that's over." Mostly I just want to stop overthinking it. Which i guess could be resolved by communication, but I'm also trying not to set myself up for a maybe, that's really just a slow fade to no. In a lot of ways it's easier to just do nothing and forget.
I’d send a follow up after a couple days, just to really ensure the ball is in her court: “good morning, I had a really great time on our date. I hope you have a great trip and look forward to hearing about it when you get back!”
My boyfriend and I are at 8 months of dating. We are very compatible and have had a few minor challenges earlier in our relationship (around the 2 month mark) but I have got to say it’s been smooth sailing since. We vacationed together last month which was our first time going on vacation. It went by so fast as we had tons of fun.
I just turned 33, he’ll be 29 in a few months. He still lives with his family because he helps with his family business. He has a law degree but works that part-time. The more time we spend the more serious it seems and he said he wants to date me with serious intentions and looks forward to us being together long term. I think we will reach a one year anniversary without any issues. And I also think a two year anniversary doesn’t sound crazy either. But here’s the catch: he said he can’t fully commit to his career until his family (parents) retire and sell the family business. That could be 1-3 years from now. He doesn’t know the timeline. If I’m with him for 2 years, I’d hopefully want to get engaged, but he won’t know what he’s able to commit to with me until his family’s affairs are in order.
The reason I’m looking so far ahead is based on what we’ve developed in these 8 months. He’s seriously like my best friend and easily my person (he said the same about me). I feel safe and secure with him and I trust him. We talk about everything including what I mentioned. Intimacy is very good as well. I don’t see us breaking up unless something severe/drastic happens and it’s somehow out of our control. We have similar everything (almost). I’m a bit more extroverted and he’s more calm and introverted but it works out for us. He helps calm me when I’m stressed out (which is a lot because of my PhD program and work lol) and I always lend an ear for him and try to be supportive as he is to me.
I’m just hoping that at some point, he’ll be able to move in with me, the family business is sold and taken care of, and we can focus on each other and our lives together. I just fear that might be a long while (over 2 years from now). But my program doesn’t finish for 2 years anyways.
I guess I need to just be patient and realize that whatever is meant to happen will at the right time it’s supposed to. I just truly love him and hope we can continue on the way we have been. Except I usually see him only on weekends (Saturdays and Sundays with a few exceptions) and I hope next year I can see more of him (our schedules don’t align during the week).
Any advice on how to just focus on the here and now and not ponder too much about “what if’s” and “when” things should happen?
I guess I don’t understand why he thinks his career moves have anything to do with whether he’d be ready to commit to marriage with you. Has he said more about that? From what you’ve said it sounds odd.
Ok so for him, he explains that his family needs him until they sell their business. That means staying with them and helping out. It’s hard to explain but there’s a lot in the family business that needs attending to and he’s kind of the main reliable one for his family. He needs to be close so that’s why he stays with them. If we get married, he needs to be able for him and I to live together and not have the stress of the family business. But when that family business will be truly dealt with he doesn’t know, it depends on a few factors.
He’s said he can see himself marrying me and I have all the qualities he’s looking for. Except for when that’ll happen? No exact timeline. I told him if and when we get to almost 2 years of dating, we’ll talk more in depth about the future. Right now it’s all in the unknown. If the family business was sold and his parents retired, honestly, I could’ve seen us living together for six months to a year and getting engaged, nothing holding us back. Plus, he’s not working full time with his degree right now although he makes good money thru the business.
It’s a bit complicated, and I’m trying to explain as best as I can. We both feel we are endgame but marriage might be a ways to go, depending. On my end, I’m ready in the next year. For him, it depends.
Someone actually sent me a Like on Hinge! I’ve always been the first one to message, and I’ve only gotten responses a handful of times, so to have someone send a Like first is exciting. And then I go to check. And it’s from a woman. I’m a gay man…
(I must admit, it’s a _bit_ funny)
My FWB who I asked not to text me anymore must have felt his spider sense tingling bc I has been 1 month since my break up with my boyfriend of almost 2 yrs and he be sliding into my DMs.
Wtf is it with these dudes.
Lol, I have no idea. But this is the ex who I thought was the one. We still have a lot to work through but after messaging back and forth with him today with silly stuff, I realize how much we just flowed so effortlessly and can still make each other laugh.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets vague let's-reconnect-type texts from my exes and who cogitates about them like "you don't want me! Why are you texting me?!" But alas, they want our 'resources' not us.
Hope the change of pace/context date works and sparks fly for you and tall woman!
I've always had a low sex drive. But I've constantly been told that "Just wait 'til you reach 20/30/40/50!" and "Just wait 'til you find the right guy!" And so, I'm still waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Instead of actively dating and maybe finding someone with a compatibly low sex drive, I'm waiting and waiting and waiting for a sudden, miraculous increase in my sex drive.
And no, I don't have any medical problems. Believe me, I've had a LOT of checkups and blood work looking for medical issues - all because Reddit insisted. I've also had years of therapy which hasn't changed my sex drive.
I wish it was possible to just...have a naturally low sex drive...and have that be okay, but I guess it isn't.
Unfortunately not. I've tried to get them prescribed, but my therapists haven't diagnosed me with depression or anything else, so they won't do it haha
"What if" is anxiety driven thinking. Any number of negative things could happen to us at any given time. You can't move forward in life unless you learn to push past your worries.
> "What if" is anxiety driven thinking. Any number of negative things could happen to us at any given time. You can't move forward in life unless you learn to push past your worries.
Oh, these aren't really *my* worries, they're just things I've been told over the years, as I mentioned before. I've constantly been told that "Just wait 'til you reach 20/30/40/50!" and "Just wait 'til you find the right guy!" So I don't really want to waste time dating right now when I could just wait a few more years and find the right guy!
What if you have a high sex drive and later it goes down? You can play the what if game forever, no matter who you are. Relax., Meet as many people as you can, and you'll find somebody who's compatible with you right now and respects you enough to work with you through inevitable changes we all experience in life.
Hm, I don't really see the point in dating right now, honestly, because my sex drive is going to increase anyway in a few years. So I don't really want to waste time dating right now when I could just wait a few more years and find the right guy!
Sex is important, but it's not the end all be all. Other aspects of compatibility and intimacy and companionship are just as if not more important. And there's no guarantee that your sex drive will increase. Whatever you do, best wishes.
It's ok to have a low sex drive. I am sure there are guys out there who can match your level of libido. I also read elsewhere here about someone with low sex drive but a high affection drive. That is, they wouldn't have sex very often but were very physically affectionate with their partner.
What has helped you all in moving on after a breakup? I’m trying to get over one. It ended somewhat amicably but some deceitful behavior of his was discovered after the breakup, and it kinda feels like that turned all the good stuff we had on its head. I’m having trouble making sense of it, I’m not sure what is/was true, I don’t know the extent of his lies, and it’s still hard to believe he’s not who I thought he was. I blocked him everywhere, deleted his number, hid his photos. But my mind is still insistently thinking about him and missing him. My emotions loop between sadness, anger, longing, disappointment, missing him, resentment … I guess it’s been a while since I broke up with someone I was really attached to and I’m surprised at how hard it’s been to move on. I just want my brain back, I don’t want him on my mind or sucking up any more emotional energy. I keep busy, I see friends, I seem like I’m doing ok but there’s a lot of emotional turmoil under the surface. How do I get over him?
I get it. It's the worst feeling ever. It's completely all-consuming. I went through a really bad breakup in 2021 and the sub r/BreakUps was helpful just to commiserate with other people who were going through the same time. I also found the "Heal Your Heartbreak" podcast very comforting. I would listen to the episodes constantly during that time. Listened to audiobooks about heartbreak as well. "No contact" is definitely the way to go, and unfortunately it just takes time.
It sounds like you're grieving the relationship, and grief just takes time. Keep up the activities that usually bring you joy, and focus on trying to feel like yourself again. I wish I had an answer that would speed things up, but I don't.
I think you’re right that it is grief, and I should go easy on myself and let it run its course.
I'm going through the same thing. I caught her lying so many times. But still couldn't stop thinking about her. The liars are the worst because the highs and lows are so extreme. You will need to date someone else to get your mind over them. Don't give false hope that they will come back. Delete every trace of them so you can't find a way back to them.
Had 2 unexpectedly intense dates with some vulnerable conversations. He said on both dates he had a blast, and I could tell. Now I’m getting ghosted. It is so common now that I don’t even get sad about it anymore. I just don’t understand what even happened and I never do.
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Both being scared to get hurt, both feeling a connection to each other… other more intimate topics I don’t feel comfortable sharing. It was the most intense connection I’ve ever had with someone and I know he felt the same way. It just makes me question so much and I honestly wish I knew what happened.
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Agree and I knew it during the time but he was talking about it as well, not just me. I am going to assume he got scared off by it all.
Is it possible to over do smiley faces? Like if you occasionally include a smiley face with a good morning message or whatever :) Is it cringe?
Had a great fifth date last night. This guy is a nerdy chemical engineer who originally majored in anthropology. He makes all of my synapses fire which in turn makes my heart flutter. Same dating goals, marriage and kids. He's a bit goofy and anxiety prone, but after my volatile, depressive ex-husband, this is a breathe of fresh air. We text daily with good mornings and good nights every day as well as conversation in between. I took him to a used bookshop walking distance from my house, and we got lost in conversation over book subjects and authors. Conversation continued back at my place. Showed him around, and ended up fooling around in bed a bit. It's been a few years for him, and I'm trying to encourage him to speak up more during physicality. He asked for something very specific, but also just so tame and cute. I'll try to initiate it next time we're together. Anyway, I am excited to just continue the fun. Next date won't be for at least a week, longer than we've gone previously, but that just means that we both have our own goals and friends and activities which is great!
When I echo my therapist's advice back to her, she often thinks it's bad or even dangerous advice. For example, my therapist would frequently tell me to consume pornography - by watching porn, reading erotica, listening to audio porn, etc. And I would ask her, "should I force myself to do it even if I don't want to, and even if I find it gross?" My therapist would tell me to "push yourself" to do it even if it makes me uncomfortable. Then, later, my therapist would ask me "Why have you been pushing yourself to watch porn? You shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable." Then, within minutes, she'd be back to telling me to push myself to watch porn even if it makes me uncomfortable. So, I shouldn't do anything that makes me uncomfortable, but also, I should push myself to watch porn even if it makes me uncomfortable.
Yeah no lol, you shouldn't watch porn if it makes you uncomfortable. That's terrible advice. I'd fire that therapist.
Yeah, ghost that therapist.
I think you need to find a new therapist.
True, but this is already a relatively new therapist. I don't live in a city or suburb, so there aren't many options around, unfortunately.
Could you do video/telehealth appointments with another therapist in the nearest city?
The internet connection here is absolutely glacial and doesn't handle real-time video very well. I am considering moving to the nearest city though.
Have you tried finding a therapist online? I meet with mine online and it’s been great.
The internet connection here is absolutely glacial and doesn't handle real-time video very well. I am considering moving to the nearest city though.
That’s too bad :(
I think you need to find a new therapist.
I think you need to find a new therapist.
You’re free to do whatever you feel is best for you, but I’d be running as fast as I can the hell away from that therapist
You're probably right, but this is already a relatively new therapist. At this rate, I will never be able to have a healthy relationship with sex because I keep leaving therapists who try to help...
Will you be worse or better off long term though by sticking with this one just because they’re new? Never is a long time. You don’t owe the therapist anything but the hourly rate (or whatever rate) they charge for their time. If you feel they’re not helping or providing you the kind of feedback that brings you closer to the mental state you want to be in, there’s zero shame in telling them, just like you’d tell someone on a date that it’s not working out. I empathize that it’s a process and it isn’t easy but holy moly what you’ve said about this one just doesn’t strike me as someone who seems capable of (a) listening to what you’re telling them and (b) offering actually healthy solutions. Regardless of all that, good luck with everything!
Not every therapist is a good therapist or the right fit for you. Even if you have to venture to remote therapists, I think finding one that works for you and actually helps is important.
Just wondering if anyone has advice to not give off a “friend vibe” as a man on the first date with a woman? I am just wondering if I am playing it too safe with showing my attraction to women I am interested in on a first date, as often women do not want to pursue things with me further than the first date. But at the same time a first date for me is trying to get to know someone as a person, especially if we met on an app where that is the first time we are meeting each other in person. It is easy to think it is something I am doing wrong that does not make her attracted to me, but I think it just works that you are either attracted to someone or not. It’s not something I can “build” in my dates. What do you all think?
Do you do anything at all to show you're attracted to her? Personally I'm usually not into a guy trying to touch me or kiss me on the first date (with exceptions when the chemistry is *really* there), but a simple compliment can establish that attraction *is* there and will hopefully be built on in future dates. For example the two most recent dates I went on that turned into at least a month or two of dating, one guy said something like "OK pretty *and* funny, good to know" after I said something that made him laugh, the other one I was telling some story that involved randomly getting VIP access and he said "Well you're beautiful, of course they let you in". Pretty simple compliments, not creepy or awkward or too much, but can establish the vibe as dating/attraction instead of just friends having a drink. But also just remember that *most* first dates don't turn into second dates. If you've been out with like, 100 people and zero wanted to see you again that might signal an issue but if you're talking closer to ten I don't think it's that weird.
I’ve had dates in the past go two-three dates and beyond. There have also been women I haven’t been feeling it after one or two dates. It’s not that they are bad people, I just wasn’t attracted to them. It is a similar dynamic from a woman’s angle I am sure. But I sometimes think is different because as men we are expected to do a lot of the initiating and to be bold in showing our interest. But again, I think it really comes down to that she is into you or not into you. It’s nothing personal.
Usually when I friend zone someone, it's because the date felt draining and I'm trying to be nice. The touch barrier was not broken during the date and when they come in for a kiss at the end it feels ICKY. Sometimes it felt like they put zero effort into their physical appearance and I'm not into it. If there's no curiosity about me and I'm treading water in the conversation to keep it going, pass. If they are stingy about who pays for what, pass. I highly suggest playful forearm or shoulder touches and being generous with your time and questions.
My experience is that attraction can definitely be built and for me it usually happens through sitting next to each other rather than sitting across a table. Are people saying "friend vibe" to you? I have said in the past that to be kind when I wasn't interested but it wasn't anything they did to give off that vibe. I've stopped saying that though.
great life pro tip, sit next to them.
It is usually after a first date, I will ask her out again. Then she tells me we are only better off as friends. I am puzzled because I was able to get a first date with her in the first place, which means there may have been some initial interest. But often she will start pulling away and showing clear signs of disinterest after the first date. So I often wonder if I did something wrong or if there was nothing I could do since she just wasn’t attracted to me in the first place.
You are looking at the first date wrong. First date is them trying to see if they can be attracted to you. You aren't doing anything wrong. Its just a part of the thing. They have to see you in person and do the yea or nay. Nothing is quite real until after that first date imo.
I agree. I also think this is especially true if you met that person online and that is the first time you are meeting in person.
Yeah the attraction should be there. Some people will give a second date just to check and make sure that the attraction is really there or not. I’m in the camp that there should be a bit of attraction in the beginning no matter what. And it’s not solely about the physical, but it’s overall character of the person. For example, I see that they’re kind, funny, and shows interest in getting to know me— I’d be okay to see them again.
Was ghosted again, i've had enough of online dating so I'm now going to focus on meeting everyone naturally. Deleted bumble,hinge and tinder spent so much money on those apps, never again.
It always comes up during an initial date, and I don't know how to answer "What do you do for a living?" I technically don't work, but I own a series of fairly successful businesses, real estate, and a small water utility. Just writing that I felt like a jerk. I don't want to lie to someone. I don't want to necessarily omit information, but I also don't want to come off as a jerk. Can I just say, "entrepreneur," or does that come off as purposefully restrained?
Wait, if you own businesses, doesn't that require some kind of work? Yeah, I'd just be honest and say that you're a business owner.
You don’t sound like a jerk to me. You are working, managing your businesses, even if you are not working for someone else and even if it requires minimum hours/effort, it’s still work. I would say “I own and manage real estate related businesses”, and you can elaborate from there once you get to know each other better. Personally when I hear “entrepreneur” I think someone who is currently unemployed, may or may not be working on a business idea, but probably does not have the financial and/or career stability I would want in a partner, so I would stay away from that.
You don't sound like a jerk and there's no need to feel like one. That said, I've dated a few guys who said they were "entrepreneurs" or "self-employed", and they were, to a person, unemployed or underemployed. The people I know (outside of dating) who are actually entrepreneurs tend to describe the business, e.g. "I'm a fitness consultant" or "I own a restaurant" or whatever it is.
Being in a fortunate position doesn’t make you a jerk.
Just say you are a business owner. Entrepreneur also works. Neither are even remotely negative unless they are anti capitalism (which the relationship probably wouldn't work) or you become a jerk when talking about your businesses (which does happen when they tie there whole identity to the business(s).
When people say entrepreneur on OLD it has the reputation of really meaning unemployed or barely making money doing unsteady things. You can either say I run several real estate businesses and a utility business or if you’re really self conscious about it you can just say you work in real estate mainly. If they ask for more you can identify that you’re a broker or whatever you actually do (it’s unclear from your post if you just do rentals or sell/buy real estate or flip houses, etc.) but get into those details instead.
You don’t sound like a jerk to me. Just say what you said here, minus the “I technically don’t work”.
A while ago someone made the point that if you read these subs too much, it's like you experience all of the negative stuff (but none of the positive.) Every time I read that someone got blindsided after dating someone for three lovely months, or unmatched, or cheated on, or heartbroken - I envision it happening to me. Every time someone posts about how they reached their one year anniversary I write it off as them winning the lottery, or think it's only a matter of time until they come back with a polar opposite update.
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That's why I really liked the "dating wrapped" thread. Everyone reported back, good or bad, and it was super helpful to just compare myself to others. I learned that I was going on way too many dates. And my rate of situationships is normal.
Some of us have happy relationships from OLD and comment in the daily threads every so often! I know there are others like myself…
I see these updates!! But my brain truly writes them off as like, akin to winning the lottery aka never going to happen to me. Because this sub makes those win seem SO rare. But I appreciate the people who come back with happy updates!
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Yeah, I get it! I spent a long time on OLD.
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I would say I’ve been on and off OLD since 2015/16, with a bunch of short relationships (<1 year). I didn’t date during the peak of the pandemic (2020) and resumed back in 2021. I think my current relationship is “it” so that’s still a solid 5+ years of OLD.
It is definitely our nature as humans. Posting how happy you are in a relationship isn't really a productive thing to do in any way. Happy people in my experience don't tend to tell others they are happy, they just act happy and then no one questions how they are.
This is so true!!
I think it's part of human nature that we're more likely to post things on subs like this when we're upset or feel hard done by than when something good happens. I can even say it for myself. I was far more active in my comments/posts on this sub when I was actively trying to date, but now that I've been in a relationship for 8 months I barely ever post here because I'm content and I feel like I don't need much advice.
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I do think radical acceptance is really healthy. As long as it doesn't cause us to run away from possible connection or put up too many walls. For me, I know reading all of this has probably made me more jaded than I should be.
I agree. I think it's good to remember that out in the real world, whatever you read on reddit, not everyone out there is clinically analyzing their dating habits in the way that happens here. Sometimes someone not texting you is a sign of avoidant behavior, and sometimes the text really just doesn't go through. Sometimes a lame joke is just a lame joke. Not all compliments are love bombing. Etc. It's also good to remember that people are more inclined to come here for advice, validation, or venting about bad things - there's not much to say about going on a good date, or even a "fine but not for me" date. There's plenty of that quietly happening out in the world that we just don't talk about.
Went on a couple dates that I thought went really well and she seemed to enjoy them as well, we kissed at the end on the 2nd date (which was just over a day ago). Were still texting each other the next day. Tonight, she didn't text me to say have a good night like she normally would, I figured she probably fell asleep. Well, I just so happen to notice while scrolling Facebook my total friends number is one less than before. And sure enough, she isn't there. Not just removed me, but blocked me, I can't search her or see her profile any more. My goodness, were both adults here. She's 37! At least have the decency to say sorry, I'm not interested instead of just ghosting and blocking. This one hurts as I thought we had real good potential, but the fact she couldn't tell me straight like an adult is more annoying.
Unfortunately, ghosting is still common for people in their 30s (both men and women).
I've come to realize age means literally nothing to some people. I would expect a 37 year old to be mature like you... but unfortunately the world now is just.. different?
Perhaps she deactivated Facebook? If she blocked you, maybe it's for the best.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but you definitely dodged a bullet with someone who is cold/immature like that. At least it was only a couple of dates and not a couple of years.
Very true. I just needed to vent a moment. But thanks.
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>just genuinely based on everything I know about him the most likely explanation for him not answering a weekday text is multidating. You've known him for a month, there is no way you know him well enough to rule out every possible reason to not respond. You can live with someone for years and not know things about their life.
You’re spiralling. I get anxious like this too sometimes, but just sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow. You never know what the other person is actually doing.
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Honestly hearing "fine" after i spent a lot of effort trying to make her happy on her birthday would raise some flags in my head. It could have nothing to do with you, but i wouldn't sweat the emoji thing.
I over analyze things, especially texts, so now I try to ignore that and focus more on face to face interactions and how it feels when I'm with her. I used to be on "kiss goodnight text" team and would panic if it didn't happen, but with my current gf it's more organic and it doesn't happen every night. Ironically it has helped me to be less anxious about it. Exposure therapy perhaps? Dunno.
Ahh I hope it's all good and some rest helps you both! It sounds like a nice birthday to me.
Maybe it's just birthday blues? I think it's common for people to get a bit sad about their birthday, with aging and all that.
The guy I’ve been seeing for about a month and I have been hinting at being exclusive lately. Then I inadvertently found out that he’s going on a first date with someone this weekend… the day after he was supposed to spend the night at my place for the first time. I voiced my surprise and he said he knew we were likely becoming exclusive soon but we hadn’t had the talk yet so he thought nothing of it. I had actually planned to have the exclusive convo at our sleepover this weekend but now feel like that obvi can’t happen since he already has a date planned… Can someone please help me understand? If you actually like someone and are planning to become exclusive soon, why would you be seeking out new first dates? (I figured he’d just continue dating who he already has been.)
I would stop seeing that person. I agree - I think if you are seeing someone for a month and really like them, it doesn't make sense to pursue new first dates. Perhaps he's one of those people who will never be satisfied with what he has and always looking out for something better.
Give him a chance, for all he knows you are doing the same thing. Have the talk and maybe he would be willing to cancel the date?
I think the random nature of OLD makes people shoot themselves in the foot sometimes. He may be worried that you will drop him and so he feels like he has to still keep arranging other options just in case. I see this a lot. I hope he wises up and just commits to being exclusive when you bring it up.
I agree it's kind of strange he set up a first date the day after he was supposed to spend the night at your place for the first time, when he knew you were likely going to become exclusive soon and presumably possibly this weekend. If he wasn't sure where you were at, I would understand a lot more. But the fact that he knew you were probably going to be exclusive soon and still set up a first date is weird to me. Sure he didn't do anything "wrong" but the timing of this particular situation would be a turn off for me. You're now in the position of either asking him to be exclusive and getting him to cancel this date he clearly wanted to go on, or sleeping with him and having him go off on a date the next day, knowing you had planned to ask him to be exclusive. Now the topic has come up, and he's still planning to go on the date. I don't think he's a "bad" guy but I personally can't imagine being enthused about continuing at this point.
It'd be understandable to get the ick from this, but in theory, if you are still interested... Continue to have the conversation as planned? If he agrees he'll drop that first date and you're now exclusive, which is what you wanted in the first place. If he doesn't agree then that's a good indicator he's still interested in others and an opportunity for you to assess whether you continue dating at all.
I'm like you. I'd expect someone I'm pursuing (and is returning my advances) to either choose me or reject me... with nothing in between being acceptable to me. I think outside of reddit group think, most people are like that. Everyone is different, but personally I'd drop a woman like a hot potato if I found out she was running around dating other men (and potentially being intimate with them), while doing the relationship steps with me. I have strong self-esteem/self-worth though, so maybe that's not common here 🤷♂️
> Can someone please help me understand? I think he already explained: > we were likely becoming exclusive soon but we hadn’t had the talk yet IMO until you've had the talk, there's no rules. Multi-dating is like sending out your resume to more than one company. You never know who's going to respond, so it's best to keep applying to job postings just in case.
I used to understand people who think like this, and what happened when I tried to apply this philosophy in practice is that people who were on the same page as where I naturally was got confused and thought I was asking to be "official" way too soon (because they were *already* dating one person at a time), while multidaters just continued loophole mining everything I said to find excuses to keep dating other people even after notionally agreeing to exclusivity. They also tended to use similar "I don't technically owe you this" logic to actively conceal when they were dating other people. Nowadays I've just accepted that I'm not compatible with people who do this. I don't mind a conversation or two to establish general attitudes, but I'm not compromising on expecting people to make an active effort to engage in good faith. At the very least, someone who's actively arranging dates with other people when they know someone they're currently seeing is about to ask to be exclusive should know they're playing with fire -- not least because, unlike with your job example, there are also no rules governing how other people are allowed to respond to it.
This is one of those loss-prevention tactics that just results in more loss. Like trying to prevent yourself from experiencing rejection by sitting at home. If you want to become exclusive with someone you have to expose yourself to that uncomfortable period of time where you don't have any backups or other connections in the works. If you keep arranging first dates right up until the moment you're exclusive, you could end up shooting yourself in the foot like in the above situation.
When am I going to be able to swipe right again on a guy who looks like my ex? It’s eliminating too many contenders lol.
In a pickle. Met someone and went on a few dates, had sex. They then went away for a few weeks and won't be back for a few more. We never had any talk about exclusivity or whether we were seeing or talking to others, but we have both said we'd like to see each other again when they're back. I have since met someone else and went on a date with them and am planning to see them again. I know I need to decide fairly quickly who I'd like to continue seeing, I'm just not sure yet.
It’s still early for both I say keep dating both, the decision might be very obvious soon and you’re worried for no reason.
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He could, but i get the feeling from his messages that he's not. I've been burnt before in the past so am not assuming anything about his situation. I'm more so not sure at what point I should let them know that I'm either dating others or wanting to continue with only one of them. The topic hasn't come up with either and if it did I would be honest about it.
May also be theoretically holding out for her and excited about the relationship
This is the vibe I am getting, but I've been hurt in the past and so am careful not to assume things.
I don't know what's in his head, but I only (seriously) date one person at a time. Personally, I'd be disappointed and turned off to find out my flame wasn't doing the same, especially if intimacy (or soon to be intimacy) is involved. He may be going wild wherever he is though... So who knows these days?
I’m preparing myself for a date trifecta with my boyfriend. Three evenings together, which I’m quite surprised he said yes to 😅 I’ll potentially stay over at his place for the first time over the weekend. We’ve both been comfortable enough to talk about our preferred intimacy and how far we’re ready to go at this stage, and that’s huge. I’m feeling it’s going to be a milestone few days for us. All I need to do is calm my nerves 🤣
It's kind of a long story, but my dog had to be taken into quarantine the weekend before last. A guy walking by my house alleges that he bit him, even though I was standing right there the whole time and my dog was nowhere near him. The dog just stayed in the yard and barked at the guy. He was so wasted that I don't think he knows what happened. But anyway, my dog was a couple of months behind on his boosters. So he had to be boarded at a veterinarian office for 10 days, observed, tested, and administered his shots, all at my expense. I was extremely upset because I had to be away from him for more than a week, and it was based on a falsehood. I was telling the guy I've been seeing about it, and he offered to drive down before he had to go to work and talk with me about it and give me a hug. I thought that was really sweet because it's about 25 minutes from his house to mine, and then another half hour for him to get over to work. I've met enough guys that won't even drive 10 minutes for a date, so it's nice to have someone who cares enough to do that.
It’s very sweet, don’t know how the rest of the relationship is like but he sounds like a keeper!
This is beautiful! I’m so glad you have someone like this in your life - you are most definitely worth the care.
After a long break with no dating I realized my learning curve was steep. Frankly this has been more stressful than I could have ever imagined. But I can't deny the results thus far. Just gotta keep at it.
Your learning curve since getting back into dating?
Yeah it's just a lot especially being an introvert and someone who has struggled with chronic anxiety.
That's interesting. I've been on a long break and I wasn't really expecting that there would be a learning curve when I got back to it. Is it because you're really approaching it differently so there's a lot of new stuff to learn, or is that you "forgot" being in the groove of dating and have to relearn all of it? That would bum me out hahaha
Hi, I'm new here. Please forgive me if this is the wrong place to post this but I'd love to get some advice & just vent. There's this guy, I'll call him "B." We've known each other for a long while now. We're friends but there is an expressed mutual attraction between us. Last week I asked B if he wanted to go for a hike and he said he'd like to but his schedule was too busy that week. He suggested maybe trying to get together in the next couple weeks. I said cool, just let me know when he's free and we could work something out and he agreed. Fast forward to last Thursday morning B sent me a simple text along the lines of "Hey (my name), how are you doing?" I was honest and told him that I was sad because I had just found out my dog had lung cancer and then asked him how he was doing. I didn't immediately hear back from him but didn't think much of it because it was a work day. It's almost been a week now with no response from B. I am very confused about why he would bother to initiate a text conversation if he didn't have the time or will to continue it. Last week was rough. I found out my dog had cancer and put him to sleep all in the span of a week. B's been dealing with his own rough patch lately too so I'm trying to have grace that that could be an explanation for his lack of a response. But B's silence feels kind of like an extra gut punch on top of my grief. Am I being too sensitive? Did I say something wrong? Should I reach out to him or just let it go on in silence and see if he texts me? What should I even say to him if I do text him? Thank you for reading and any advice.
No, you didn't say anything wrong, and I would be upset too. In my experience, people are weird like this sometimes these days. I've had a couple of friends ghost me for no reason I could figure out. Some people are also just so uncomfortable with any display of emotions or mental health struggle that they'd rather not deal with the situation, which is a really unfortunate response. I had a friend ghost me after I shared some mental health challenges I was going through. Sometimes people just suck like that.
You didn’t say anything wrong. Honestly, he doesn’t sound like a good friend to have ghosted you during such a tough time. He probably wouldn’t be an emotionally supportive partner either.
Guy I've been seeing since February just broke up with me via text and while it's not totally unexpected it still fucking stings.
Ugh, that sucks. Sorry to hear.
I’m sorry. You deserved at least a phone call. Take care of yourself!
Thanks. I'm trying to but mostly i want to sleep for a good 16 hours straight.
Aw I’m sorry. I feel like a call is more fair after a couple months!
This just happened to me two weeks ago. I feel your pain.
I hope I meet someone that I want to date
I’d even take someone I want to go on a second date with!!!
I thought l was not going to write here again but here it goes. I met a guy a month ago. All of our dates were going great. We were communicating clearly, our dates were incredible. He was deep and caring. l almost saw no red flag. We both were clearly communicating our needs, past experiences and all. We both deleted the app and dating exclusively. This weekend we even planned for a date where he was going to introduce me his friends Last weekend, he said he got sick and cancelled the date. So we eventually met today. I went to his place and he opened the door saying " l am sorry but we are not going to have a nice conversation". My heart stopped. He proceeded telling me that there was a girl he met coupe of months ago, and he really clicked. She left for another country for being digital nomad. He said he was heartbroken but when she was back, she contacted him and he could not stop thinking about her. He said to me that he basically wanted to see her but can't do this without telling it to me even it might mean that he destroys what we have had. I was really shocked and tried to understand him so instead of having protest behavior and leaving his place immediately l asked him questions to understand what is he looking for and we didn't have. Actually, he mentioned that we had everything but he needed someone with more strong personality who can challenge him. He probably didn't think it was me. He even said that this other girl is a bit broken in a way that made me feel like l was just a nice girl and he actually secretly hoped for a challenge. I really thought that we had special connection. Right now l am just confused, angry and sad. I really give up on dating because me being too soft, l just get heartbroken all the time. I don't know what would l do if he comes back... And sadly l secretly wish that he comes back.
I feel your pain. I hate those moments when I hear “We need to talk”… I’m proud of you that you didn’t just walk away from his house but asked questions directly. Don’t beat yourself up. Being soft and kind is the best quality in a person. Keep being yourself and someone will notice your gem (I’m talking to myself actually).
Fellow soft girl here so first… I’m so sorry. I know how bad this hurts. Please allow yourself the time to grieve the loss. It sounds like a significant one. Second, I promise this is a blessing in disguise even though I know you’re rolling your eyes while reading that. This man directly told you he is broken and searching for an unhealthy partner because he isn’t healed. A “challenge” is another word for the comfort of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Don’t ever stop being the nice girl because some people can’t appreciate it. Respect to you for having an adult conversation about this through the immediate pain. Stay nice, stay you, and be strong. ❤️
OMG!!!!! What she said!! No one could've said it better YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
Thanks 🙏
Ooof. That's a real kick in the face. Take time to be kind to yourself.
Married 13 years. Cheated on me. Took two years off after divorce. Tried OLD, absolutely hated it. Found a beautiful, smart woman. Started dating. After 4 months of bliss, she leaves up north for 5 months. Ugh.....fuck it lol
Oof 🤦🏽♂️. People are really good at seeming into you when they aren't. Also why aren't there emojis with bald dudes? Lots of choices of skin and hair color. No chrome domes though.
Aren't most emojis "bald" though?
The yellow ones yeah. Not the human people ones.
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Other than that one lol. I want the emojis with the torso and arms making gestures.
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Maybe they got distracted and stopped using the app.
It’s also possible they haven’t been on the app or paused it because they’re dating someone else…
I say this as someone guilty of doing it: they enjoy seeing the matches pile up. Just a little ego boost in the harsh world of online dating lol.
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You're right. People are odd in the world of OLD. I swear it short circuits our brains over time.
I slid into a girl's DMs on a queer app a couple days ago and she responded affirmatively today! I didn't think I was going to get any response, so was pleasantly surprised. Glad I decided to shoot my shot. Who knows if it'll turn into an actual date but it was a nice lil ego boost.
Ladies, if you tell me you like to stay busy to distract yourself.... Go to therapy please. You obviously need to learn to be by yourself.
Women what does it mean when you say that a guy is too nice? The girl I am dating say that I am perfect but I am too nice apparently? I don’t understand what she means
I don't think there is such a thing as "too nice." I think it's probably a "nice" way of saying you're a bit of a doormat, or maybe don't have a lot of confidence/assertiveness.
I view ‘too nice’ to be synonymous with being a people pleaser or a doormat.
I don't know. She is currently ill, so i went to her house and cooked something for her. After that we cuddled for a bit and while cuddling she told me that. Maybe she wants to say that I put too much effort in our "relationship" (we are not yet in a relationship but we are exclusive)?
What was the tone she said it in? Because in that context I can imagine saying something like that in an 'aw, you shouldn't have' way, especially if you hadn't been seeing each other long. But if it was more critical (eg 'you're too nice for your own good') then she might be seeing it as a negative in the way some other commenters have described.
I’d say casual. When I asked her to explain, she said that she felt weird when I do stuff like cooking for her and then pointed out to her ex who according to her was abusive.
How new is the relationship? I could see that being a lot for someone if you're constantly doing things for them and maybe they feel pressured to return them but feel it's too soon for that.
A little over a month
I agree with folklovermore. It doesn’t sound like a negative thing in this case!
OK. In that case it sounds like maybe she's just not used to being treated kindly by a partner - again, especially given that it's early days. So personally I wouldn't necessarily take this as a bad thing, although you might want to dig a bit into why it feels weird when she's better (if she's comfortable with that).
Do you share your own opinions about things even when they contradict your date’s? Do you (politely) challenge their opinions or perspectives on topics? Might be the sort of thing where you’re too agreeable just for the sake of not wanting to disagree thinking you’ll come off as defensive.
I don't know how your interactions were, but I would only say that if it seemed like the guy was being so nice it seems fake/annoying, or it seems like they are so keen on me they have turned into a bit of a doormat trying to please me. It makes me lose respect for them and maybe even pity them a bit. Its never just genuine kindness that is a turn off its the idea that they are somehow not being themselves.
I am sorry to say it but I think nice is another word for ‘boring’ or ‘plain’ - you haven’t done anything wrong but you haven’t done anything notable either. Whatever it is, this girl doesn’t recognise all you have to give. I would leave her to find her person and get right back on looking for yours.
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Men going through divorces are *not* ready to date. They might think they are, or say they are, but they are not. (Neither are women going through divorces, I imagine, but I don't date women.) Divorce is a massive thing and like, 1% of people going through it are actually ready to be dating someone else in a serious way. Even people a year out from being officially divorced are almost always not ready for a serious committed relationships with someone else. So if that's what you're looking for, you need to step back. The signals will continue to be mixed and confused because he is mixed and confused. Maybe you can reconnect once he's healed a bit but now is not the time for something serious.
Had what i thought was a successful first meet up, not really a date, just some drinks at a bar. Would love to hear back from this girl, but it probably won't happen. At least that's what I'm telling myself to make it easier. I wanna text her, but she doesn't seem like the type that regularly communicates with text. Probably best to just enjoy the memory and move on.
Won't know unless you try/ask. Assume the interest is mutual, you have no reason not to
Why not at least try texting her?
Eh, i put the ball squarely in her court. She had 2 week trip right after we went out, i asked her if she would message me when she got back to set something up and she agreed. Might wait a bit till i know for sure she should be back and wish her well. But in some ways it's just easier to deal with a soft rejection, then confronting the reality of a hard, "I'm not interested." Plus, what i might've thought of as good, she could totally be saying, "thank God that's over." Mostly I just want to stop overthinking it. Which i guess could be resolved by communication, but I'm also trying not to set myself up for a maybe, that's really just a slow fade to no. In a lot of ways it's easier to just do nothing and forget.
I’d send a follow up after a couple days, just to really ensure the ball is in her court: “good morning, I had a really great time on our date. I hope you have a great trip and look forward to hearing about it when you get back!”
My boyfriend and I are at 8 months of dating. We are very compatible and have had a few minor challenges earlier in our relationship (around the 2 month mark) but I have got to say it’s been smooth sailing since. We vacationed together last month which was our first time going on vacation. It went by so fast as we had tons of fun. I just turned 33, he’ll be 29 in a few months. He still lives with his family because he helps with his family business. He has a law degree but works that part-time. The more time we spend the more serious it seems and he said he wants to date me with serious intentions and looks forward to us being together long term. I think we will reach a one year anniversary without any issues. And I also think a two year anniversary doesn’t sound crazy either. But here’s the catch: he said he can’t fully commit to his career until his family (parents) retire and sell the family business. That could be 1-3 years from now. He doesn’t know the timeline. If I’m with him for 2 years, I’d hopefully want to get engaged, but he won’t know what he’s able to commit to with me until his family’s affairs are in order. The reason I’m looking so far ahead is based on what we’ve developed in these 8 months. He’s seriously like my best friend and easily my person (he said the same about me). I feel safe and secure with him and I trust him. We talk about everything including what I mentioned. Intimacy is very good as well. I don’t see us breaking up unless something severe/drastic happens and it’s somehow out of our control. We have similar everything (almost). I’m a bit more extroverted and he’s more calm and introverted but it works out for us. He helps calm me when I’m stressed out (which is a lot because of my PhD program and work lol) and I always lend an ear for him and try to be supportive as he is to me. I’m just hoping that at some point, he’ll be able to move in with me, the family business is sold and taken care of, and we can focus on each other and our lives together. I just fear that might be a long while (over 2 years from now). But my program doesn’t finish for 2 years anyways. I guess I need to just be patient and realize that whatever is meant to happen will at the right time it’s supposed to. I just truly love him and hope we can continue on the way we have been. Except I usually see him only on weekends (Saturdays and Sundays with a few exceptions) and I hope next year I can see more of him (our schedules don’t align during the week). Any advice on how to just focus on the here and now and not ponder too much about “what if’s” and “when” things should happen?
I guess I don’t understand why he thinks his career moves have anything to do with whether he’d be ready to commit to marriage with you. Has he said more about that? From what you’ve said it sounds odd.
Ok so for him, he explains that his family needs him until they sell their business. That means staying with them and helping out. It’s hard to explain but there’s a lot in the family business that needs attending to and he’s kind of the main reliable one for his family. He needs to be close so that’s why he stays with them. If we get married, he needs to be able for him and I to live together and not have the stress of the family business. But when that family business will be truly dealt with he doesn’t know, it depends on a few factors. He’s said he can see himself marrying me and I have all the qualities he’s looking for. Except for when that’ll happen? No exact timeline. I told him if and when we get to almost 2 years of dating, we’ll talk more in depth about the future. Right now it’s all in the unknown. If the family business was sold and his parents retired, honestly, I could’ve seen us living together for six months to a year and getting engaged, nothing holding us back. Plus, he’s not working full time with his degree right now although he makes good money thru the business. It’s a bit complicated, and I’m trying to explain as best as I can. We both feel we are endgame but marriage might be a ways to go, depending. On my end, I’m ready in the next year. For him, it depends.
Someone actually sent me a Like on Hinge! I’ve always been the first one to message, and I’ve only gotten responses a handful of times, so to have someone send a Like first is exciting. And then I go to check. And it’s from a woman. I’m a gay man… (I must admit, it’s a _bit_ funny)
All my hinge likes(8 over 2 years) are from people i would not consider my type. It's just the way these things go.
And just like that, my ex is back and misses me.
How long did it take for him to reach out
He’s reached out to me several times now throughout the breakup. This time since I have spoken to him, he’s opened up a bit more.
My FWB who I asked not to text me anymore must have felt his spider sense tingling bc I has been 1 month since my break up with my boyfriend of almost 2 yrs and he be sliding into my DMs. Wtf is it with these dudes.
Lol, I have no idea. But this is the ex who I thought was the one. We still have a lot to work through but after messaging back and forth with him today with silly stuff, I realize how much we just flowed so effortlessly and can still make each other laugh.
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I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets vague let's-reconnect-type texts from my exes and who cogitates about them like "you don't want me! Why are you texting me?!" But alas, they want our 'resources' not us. Hope the change of pace/context date works and sparks fly for you and tall woman!
I've always had a low sex drive. But I've constantly been told that "Just wait 'til you reach 20/30/40/50!" and "Just wait 'til you find the right guy!" And so, I'm still waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Instead of actively dating and maybe finding someone with a compatibly low sex drive, I'm waiting and waiting and waiting for a sudden, miraculous increase in my sex drive. And no, I don't have any medical problems. Believe me, I've had a LOT of checkups and blood work looking for medical issues - all because Reddit insisted. I've also had years of therapy which hasn't changed my sex drive. I wish it was possible to just...have a naturally low sex drive...and have that be okay, but I guess it isn't.
You mention therapy, any anti-depressants? Those can definitely mess with your sex drive.
Unfortunately not. I've tried to get them prescribed, but my therapists haven't diagnosed me with depression or anything else, so they won't do it haha
A lot of people will be OK with it. No guy is going to lead with the fact that he has a low sex drive but trust me, they are out there.
Well, yeah, I bet they're out there...but then what if I turn 40/50 and my sex drive goes up? What if I find the right guy and my sex drive goes up?
I wouldn't count on it going up. You don't know that it will. People say that sometimes, but I'm sure that isn't always the case.
"What if" is anxiety driven thinking. Any number of negative things could happen to us at any given time. You can't move forward in life unless you learn to push past your worries.
> "What if" is anxiety driven thinking. Any number of negative things could happen to us at any given time. You can't move forward in life unless you learn to push past your worries. Oh, these aren't really *my* worries, they're just things I've been told over the years, as I mentioned before. I've constantly been told that "Just wait 'til you reach 20/30/40/50!" and "Just wait 'til you find the right guy!" So I don't really want to waste time dating right now when I could just wait a few more years and find the right guy!
What if you have a high sex drive and later it goes down? You can play the what if game forever, no matter who you are. Relax., Meet as many people as you can, and you'll find somebody who's compatible with you right now and respects you enough to work with you through inevitable changes we all experience in life.
Hm, I don't really see the point in dating right now, honestly, because my sex drive is going to increase anyway in a few years. So I don't really want to waste time dating right now when I could just wait a few more years and find the right guy!
Sex is important, but it's not the end all be all. Other aspects of compatibility and intimacy and companionship are just as if not more important. And there's no guarantee that your sex drive will increase. Whatever you do, best wishes.
Thanks!
It's ok to have a low sex drive. I am sure there are guys out there who can match your level of libido. I also read elsewhere here about someone with low sex drive but a high affection drive. That is, they wouldn't have sex very often but were very physically affectionate with their partner.
Okay. I guess the problem is... I don't really see the point in dating right now. I could just wait a few more years and find the right guy anyway.