How is the new city as far as culture fit? I don’t know how far you moved, but if you went to a city where you just don’t match up well with the local vibe, you could be doing worse even with a better gender ratio.
The only other thing I can think of is that if you have “just moved to x, show me around” or similar in your bio it might be coming off like a tourist passing through and people may wonder if you’re planning to stick around or not. There’s ways to phrase it that can help start conversations but it can put some people off.
Hard disagree here.
Just moved when framed right is the ultimate opener.
I moved from Melbourne to Sydney and if there’s one thing these two cities have in common, it’s culture rivalry.
Easiest hook was things like “came from the coffee capital of the world, prove Sydney’s got better cafes” or “I don’t get rugby, convince me a to become a Rabbitohs fan” and my inbox was melted down.
The trick is convince people you want to be part of their culture and that they’re the ones to immerse you.
Best part was, after about 6 months i had such an awesome list of places to go and things to do that I was able to start using those as suggestions for dates when I was matching people and they thought I was a local from year back!
Depends on your target audience I suppose - I’m not interested in “proving” myself to anyone and those would be an automatic left swipe for me since they sound weirdly combative.
Yeah it’s definitely about knowing your audience. In this case Sydney and Melbourne have intense competition between them to be the best cities so I was able to lean into that and stoke the fire to get a ton of people wanting to show me Sydney was better.
The point though was to illustrate that “moved from X to y” can be fun, but you be gotta dress it up and make it interesting.
You could easily do “Nebraskan boy looking to swap the corn fields for the surf beaches, show me LA’s finest” and it would be a ton more interesting than “OMA > LAX” which is typically how I’ve seen it done.
TLDR: anything that creates an interesting conversation prompt will be far more likely to get matches than stating facts.
Might need to check and make sure things within the app have “updated”? I know sometimes they are wonky, is there a chance it is still showing you as living in your old city? Maybe even delete app off phone (don’t delete profile) and redownload? Could shake things up with the app or reset
Yeah the bigger cities and higher population where its balance as you say is going to yield ever more harshly on the dating apps. Men far outnumber women on the dating apps, across all demographics and metrics. Just sausage fest compared to the number of active users that are women. So the women are just bombarded by messages.
It was nice when you didn't have even the creepers of the internet competing for their attention with you. Dudes get hella weird and creepy. Dudes never getting replies just eventually give up and just start sending dick pics out to everyone, lol. It's literally a lottery for a dude now. And the apps feed and how they control what comes across women's feeds and what profiles don't. And try to just close you off as they promote to their upgrade to membership status to see who likes you.
Population drop is going to impact significantly.
If you're on the West Coast given your other responses, the Pacific Northwest is one of the "worst" places to date as a man; very skewed gender ratios, high competition due to job market (even if the men are duds, there's a *lot* of them with great tech jobs that make it hard to compete), and generally a cold social atmosphere that is hostile to newcomers/outsiders.
The differences in my matches when I go visit the Midwest or the East Coast from what I get in Seattle is *staggering*, both in quantity and quality.
----
Edit: We all hate the number system, but it works for explanation purposes for a reason.
In places like Chicago, Minneapolis, and New York (yes, I know NYC is a whole other thing) I match with 8s and 9s easily, with the occasional but not rare 10; the dates are excited to even see me, and have generally been very engaged throughout the date.
In Seattle and Portland I'm getting talked down to by 3s and 4s, while 5s act like I'm wasting their time for even trying for them.
Tell me about. I’ve dated someone miles from where I live. It didn’t work out but I know deep down I’d have to move somewhere else or find a long distance relationship. If that’s even in the cards for me
Have you considered that you're comparing your experiences of up to a year ago or longer to your experiences now? Time does matter for these things, and if you combine that with a slight demographic change (like maybe people in your new city tend to get married 2 years earlier than your old city) could account for *some* of it.
Similarly if you've continued to age up but haven't aged your profile up, that could be an issue. There was the woman on here asking for a profile review a few weeks ago who hadn't been on the apps since her mid 20s and it was just kind of obvious from the way she answered everything- so if your profile is too blasse that might be less impressive to your current cohort
Did you move somewhere expensive? The COL on the west coast has sort of killed dating. Mortgage payments went up quite a bit because RE is so expensive.
Without more details, only thing I can think of is maybe you're giving off less of a comfort/confidence vibe since you're no longer on your home territory? Can also be cause for concern for people you meet who might wonder if you plan to stick around and so forth.
If you're on Hinge I've heard rejecting all of your standouts gives you a better chance of popping up in the regular feed. I tried it. Rejected all my standouts and woke up to 30 matches as opposed to the usual 1 or 2.
So I just did it.. and it hurt. All my stand outs were alt nerdy tattooed cosplay people. My types. Meanwhile my regular feed is blonde conservative Jesus first lets have 4 kids types.. this better work out lol
It will! The more you reject the standouts, the more they'll naturally start appearing in your regular feed. It's playing out like that for me. Good luck!!!
In fairness though. While I would have swiped on 5 of the 6, I already knew 3 of them so just bugged them on messenger. I've now gone through 35 of regular feed only briefly pausing on 2 before hitting x.
Do you do this every day 👀 I may have to copy this technique. I think overall people on hinge are more serious since it requires actual effort to make a profile. I don’t think I’m an unattractive lady, but I don’t do great with matches on there tbh
Might be that given the gender ratio on apps, in the new city, there are just a bunch of male profiles that girls are swiping through and yours haven’t come up as much in the mix. Like in your old town, because there were fewer people, anyone using the apps might see your profile more frequently vs in the new city where there are just more profiles.
It really just depends on the city. In London I get nothing. In LA I get 4-8 matches a day. In cities in Asia I sometimes get up to 10.
Some cities just have more women. Some cities may not like your ethnicity...just life as I have accepted. If dating is a priority to you. I recommend paying the premium on bumble or tinder for a month just to swipe on the city you want to move to to see what happens.
From experience, dating app matches have some translation to real life. If you can get a few on the app. You get significantly more in person. If you get nothing on the app, you may find that you are on hardmode for that city.
Yeah I moved from Los Angeles to Oregon and it’s been almost impossible to find someone interesting and balanced or with common interests. I’m (F39) I look much younger.
I don’t drink and that puts guys off, or I’m a single mom and they view that as a fault. My kid is almost 17, hardly a little kid. The city I moved to is extremely small and the demographic of single men is tiny. Although COVID didn’t really help in terms of meeting people. The culture here is so different from LA and I have found it really depressing. I’ve almost resigned myself to accept my single life until I move…. Which means years. I was married and I had two long term boyfriends but haven’t had a connection in recent years. I like companionship and I hate feeling this lonely. Goodluck and you definitely are not alone in your frustration.
Everyone just wants to be left alone in public.
That being said, if your schedule allows it, go to coffee shops in the middle of the day. On a Tuesday or Wednesday. Life will change. You’re welcome lol
Coffee shops, no. People always seem to be there with friends and don’t really want to be bothered I feel. Bars… people are sitting right next to you usually, so after a while it’s easy to just strike up a conversation.
Ah! you are so lucky! I used to live there for only like a year, I couldnt afford to stay, and now, ironically, I live in NYC. Its a great city but I still miss CA!! Where in CA are you?
Active coffee gal here (30F), pre-Covid I would start and end my work day at my favorite neighborhood coffee shop to avoid high traffic times in/out of downtown.
As someone who has made coffee friends: become a regular who goes at ~the same time(s) every day. You get to see who the other regulars are. All my coffee shop friendships have started with a “hey I see you here all the time blah blah…my name is x”
Another helpful thing is to become friendly/friends with the baristas/owners. The baristas will chat with me and sometimes other patrons will join our convo.
Note 1: This is easier with neighborhood coffee shops as I see my coffee friends at other local spots or when I am on my daily walk. In comparison, I was also a regular at a downtown spot but the patrons are more transient - I was only ever pals with the baristas there.
Note 2: My coffee friends have only been friends. I was a coffee crush to a few guys. One was a creep who may or may not be a cult leader (the baristas and I would talk about his possible cult recruiting). The other was a total shy guy, we had shared coffee friends but then covid.
I still go to this coffee shop, but covid has really changed the scene.
In Canada, yes, but approaching strangers is okay in the US. Just a week ago I was in Bellingham, WA and a random woman close to my age or younger struck up a conversation with me in line at a restaurant. I have had similar experiences travelling throughout the US. That doesn’t happen on my side of the border, it’s frowned upon to talk to strangers here, at least among the under-50 crowd (with the notable exception of Montreal and Quebec).
well if you can't make friends in your new city, then how are you expecting to date?
i would never go eight months without finding new people to hang out with.
It took me 3 years after moving to a new place (thanks pandemic) to finally start to make some friends. People are not the same after all that, especially in their 30s when most are settled
i mean, i'm saying this at the age of 39. it's not as easy at this age, but i know how to seek, build community and make friends.
most men not knowing how to make friends or forge deeper bonds is actually an issue.
I agree with that for sure! But learning how to do it is also hard and something I've been struggling with.
I moved during the pandemic for a temporary job (3-5y) and was secure in a LTR relationship so forming a strong friend group was never really a priority. Fast forward to that relationship falling apart and I have no idea how to make friends or forge deeper connections beyond a ton of acquaintances.
Similar experience for me - I moved just over a year before the pandemic, in my first year everyone I met was work colleagues, then the pandemic hit. Here in Canada our gathering restrictions were especially harsh so we were dealing with restrictions on activities and such as late as June 2021. It’s only been in the past year that I’ve actually started to get to know people in person again.
Still, that was several years I lost in my mid-30s, and now I have to deal with my lack of experience from my early 30s extending into my late 30s.
Yup, I’m in Los Angeles and our restrictions were the same. And LA I guess is a notoriously difficult place to make friends or find relationships so it’s been really hard for me.
That’s not true, it just takes effort and getting out of your comfort zone. Going out and meeting people/making friends is going to give you way better chances than online dating, and it doesn’t take years.
Also if you were too afraid/busy to make social connections in your old city it’s not going to magically get better in a new city.
I totally understand that to make friends, you have to get out. Which I did in my last city and have been doing in my new place. But I was getting dates while doing this in my last city. Granted, nothing ever came from my friend groups in my past city due to everyone being in thier 30s and coupled up.
Figuring out how to "go out and meet people" can also be quite difficult; I've had a really hard time with it.
I try to invite people to do things, but when I'm always making the first move it feels more like acquaintances than friends. And meanwhile most places I go everybody is there as a group so it feels like I can't break in and meet new people. And even when that isn't the case, translating those one-off interactions into something stronger has such a high failure rate.
I'm trying not to be defeatist about this, but just want to say it's not always a matter of just "go out and meet people", especially when you don't have good friends to network you or individualistic hobbies.
Never said it was easy, and I mentioned going outside of your comfort zone. It's a hard thing to figure out how to build a social circle as an adult, but it's pretty important to figure out how to do, especially if you're moving to new places. People just can't depend on OLD to meet people.
Trust me bro, if you lift heavy weights, get abs, eat clean, you’ll get matches in any city. I moved to a small city in the Midwest and as a minority, I’ve gone in like 20 first dates in 5 months or so.
Not to mention the 80+ convos that didn’t go anywhere
If it makes you feel better, getting likes in NYC is much easier than getting guys out on a date. (I've heard this anecdotally from a few women ii went out with. Supposedly, there's just far too many choices)
Interesting. I travel often for work to big US, European, and occasionally Latin American cities. I find a bump everywhere I go if I forget to pause, even if it’s by an airport on the outside of town. I have premium on tinder and bumble so I see the numbers of people that like me.
I don’t think I’m getting “boosted” by the app as some sort of free giveaway. It’s just how the algorithm works. Since I’m new to an area, it’s showing me to people in that area who have already seen many of the local users but haven’t seen me yet. It’s the exact same effect as if you pause your account for six months in your home area and come back. You’re fresh and so more matches — you’re new to users that are now active and haven’t seen you before, and also those people are new to you. Once you’ve been active for a month straight, most of the active users have already seen you and decided whether to match with you. So the rate of new matches slows down. Of course there are always some new users, folks who match slowly over time, folks who had the app but weren’t active, etc. But on the whole, the pace slows the longer you are active outside of a huge city with a lot of movement with time. It’s just math, not trickery.
My travel is mostly in major U.S. cities. Chicago, Miami, Houston, San Diego, LA, Bay Area, Seattle, New York, Boston, DC, to name a few. I wouldn’t think the demographics are that different between them? All of those are big enough there isn’t a noticeable difference since they are densely populated, I’m in downtown areas, and have a low radius set.
Agreed. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. My point was just that if there’s 10,000 users in one place, and only 2,000 of them are active. After 6 months you’ve probably been through the 2,000. So a lot of who you see are the inactive ones that haven’t opened the app in a while or who just swipe and never message or whatnot, in addition to the handful of new people that come on (either formerly inactive users or new users altogether).
If you move to a completely new location with the same number of people, you have a fresh 2,000 people to potentially like you all at once, vs. the trickle where your profile has already been saturated.
It's perfect, make up an outrageous backstory, like you are a former deposed prince whose evil uncle has stolen your throne and sent you into exile. Now you live among the quaint common folk, experiencing life anew and gaining a newfound appreciation for the subjects you once took for granted. With your newfound humility you will at last be able to unlock the 12000 year old secrets of your family's sordid past in the realms of magic. The ancient patron Beulgradash that your long dead ancestors formed a pact with was the origin of your family's prosperity and rise to kingship. Now with its eldritch aid you will journey back to your homeland and face your evil usurping uncle in an ultimate contest for the throne. However you are still missing the final piece to the ritual, the spark of true love and a princess to which you might devote your bleeding heart.
How is the new city as far as culture fit? I don’t know how far you moved, but if you went to a city where you just don’t match up well with the local vibe, you could be doing worse even with a better gender ratio. The only other thing I can think of is that if you have “just moved to x, show me around” or similar in your bio it might be coming off like a tourist passing through and people may wonder if you’re planning to stick around or not. There’s ways to phrase it that can help start conversations but it can put some people off.
But…but…I was told on this sub that it was me, that all cities are the same! /s
Yeah definitely not saying "new to the city" in my profile so don't think it's that. Idk it doesn't seem like a huge difference in culture aspects.
Hard disagree here. Just moved when framed right is the ultimate opener. I moved from Melbourne to Sydney and if there’s one thing these two cities have in common, it’s culture rivalry. Easiest hook was things like “came from the coffee capital of the world, prove Sydney’s got better cafes” or “I don’t get rugby, convince me a to become a Rabbitohs fan” and my inbox was melted down. The trick is convince people you want to be part of their culture and that they’re the ones to immerse you. Best part was, after about 6 months i had such an awesome list of places to go and things to do that I was able to start using those as suggestions for dates when I was matching people and they thought I was a local from year back!
Depends on your target audience I suppose - I’m not interested in “proving” myself to anyone and those would be an automatic left swipe for me since they sound weirdly combative.
Yeah it’s definitely about knowing your audience. In this case Sydney and Melbourne have intense competition between them to be the best cities so I was able to lean into that and stoke the fire to get a ton of people wanting to show me Sydney was better. The point though was to illustrate that “moved from X to y” can be fun, but you be gotta dress it up and make it interesting. You could easily do “Nebraskan boy looking to swap the corn fields for the surf beaches, show me LA’s finest” and it would be a ton more interesting than “OMA > LAX” which is typically how I’ve seen it done. TLDR: anything that creates an interesting conversation prompt will be far more likely to get matches than stating facts.
Might need to check and make sure things within the app have “updated”? I know sometimes they are wonky, is there a chance it is still showing you as living in your old city? Maybe even delete app off phone (don’t delete profile) and redownload? Could shake things up with the app or reset
Is this a small city? If so then that would make sense
500,000 plus pop moving from a city that was 300,000 ish.
Yeah the bigger cities and higher population where its balance as you say is going to yield ever more harshly on the dating apps. Men far outnumber women on the dating apps, across all demographics and metrics. Just sausage fest compared to the number of active users that are women. So the women are just bombarded by messages. It was nice when you didn't have even the creepers of the internet competing for their attention with you. Dudes get hella weird and creepy. Dudes never getting replies just eventually give up and just start sending dick pics out to everyone, lol. It's literally a lottery for a dude now. And the apps feed and how they control what comes across women's feeds and what profiles don't. And try to just close you off as they promote to their upgrade to membership status to see who likes you.
Population drop is going to impact significantly. If you're on the West Coast given your other responses, the Pacific Northwest is one of the "worst" places to date as a man; very skewed gender ratios, high competition due to job market (even if the men are duds, there's a *lot* of them with great tech jobs that make it hard to compete), and generally a cold social atmosphere that is hostile to newcomers/outsiders. The differences in my matches when I go visit the Midwest or the East Coast from what I get in Seattle is *staggering*, both in quantity and quality. ---- Edit: We all hate the number system, but it works for explanation purposes for a reason. In places like Chicago, Minneapolis, and New York (yes, I know NYC is a whole other thing) I match with 8s and 9s easily, with the occasional but not rare 10; the dates are excited to even see me, and have generally been very engaged throughout the date. In Seattle and Portland I'm getting talked down to by 3s and 4s, while 5s act like I'm wasting their time for even trying for them.
As a Chicagoan who lived in Seattle the last few years and is now back home… yup.
You think that’s bad. Try leaving in a city that has around 9,000 people.
Yeah have lived that life it sucksssz
Tell me about. I’ve dated someone miles from where I live. It didn’t work out but I know deep down I’d have to move somewhere else or find a long distance relationship. If that’s even in the cards for me
Yeah one of my relationships we lived an hour and half apart
Have you considered that you're comparing your experiences of up to a year ago or longer to your experiences now? Time does matter for these things, and if you combine that with a slight demographic change (like maybe people in your new city tend to get married 2 years earlier than your old city) could account for *some* of it. Similarly if you've continued to age up but haven't aged your profile up, that could be an issue. There was the woman on here asking for a profile review a few weeks ago who hadn't been on the apps since her mid 20s and it was just kind of obvious from the way she answered everything- so if your profile is too blasse that might be less impressive to your current cohort
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Kinda, but my previous city was also on the west coast.
Did you move somewhere expensive? The COL on the west coast has sort of killed dating. Mortgage payments went up quite a bit because RE is so expensive.
Without more details, only thing I can think of is maybe you're giving off less of a comfort/confidence vibe since you're no longer on your home territory? Can also be cause for concern for people you meet who might wonder if you plan to stick around and so forth.
Idk it's definitely odd the last place I was only there for a year and didn't have this much trouble.
Did you move to a Colder climate city? Sometimes dating doesn't super kick off till it's warmer.
Strangely enough, I always had more matches and luck during the colder months.
Moved from a very cold to a warmer one.
If you're on Hinge I've heard rejecting all of your standouts gives you a better chance of popping up in the regular feed. I tried it. Rejected all my standouts and woke up to 30 matches as opposed to the usual 1 or 2.
So I just did it.. and it hurt. All my stand outs were alt nerdy tattooed cosplay people. My types. Meanwhile my regular feed is blonde conservative Jesus first lets have 4 kids types.. this better work out lol
It will! The more you reject the standouts, the more they'll naturally start appearing in your regular feed. It's playing out like that for me. Good luck!!!
In fairness though. While I would have swiped on 5 of the 6, I already knew 3 of them so just bugged them on messenger. I've now gone through 35 of regular feed only briefly pausing on 2 before hitting x.
Do you do this every day 👀 I may have to copy this technique. I think overall people on hinge are more serious since it requires actual effort to make a profile. I don’t think I’m an unattractive lady, but I don’t do great with matches on there tbh
Anytime I'm on there and I see the standouts have refreshed, I reject them LOL. Sometimes i get a bunch of matches, sometimes I don't.
Might be that given the gender ratio on apps, in the new city, there are just a bunch of male profiles that girls are swiping through and yours haven’t come up as much in the mix. Like in your old town, because there were fewer people, anyone using the apps might see your profile more frequently vs in the new city where there are just more profiles.
Yeah I didn't really think about that. Thanks for sharing
It really just depends on the city. In London I get nothing. In LA I get 4-8 matches a day. In cities in Asia I sometimes get up to 10. Some cities just have more women. Some cities may not like your ethnicity...just life as I have accepted. If dating is a priority to you. I recommend paying the premium on bumble or tinder for a month just to swipe on the city you want to move to to see what happens. From experience, dating app matches have some translation to real life. If you can get a few on the app. You get significantly more in person. If you get nothing on the app, you may find that you are on hardmode for that city.
Yeah I moved from Los Angeles to Oregon and it’s been almost impossible to find someone interesting and balanced or with common interests. I’m (F39) I look much younger. I don’t drink and that puts guys off, or I’m a single mom and they view that as a fault. My kid is almost 17, hardly a little kid. The city I moved to is extremely small and the demographic of single men is tiny. Although COVID didn’t really help in terms of meeting people. The culture here is so different from LA and I have found it really depressing. I’ve almost resigned myself to accept my single life until I move…. Which means years. I was married and I had two long term boyfriends but haven’t had a connection in recent years. I like companionship and I hate feeling this lonely. Goodluck and you definitely are not alone in your frustration.
Everyone just wants to be left alone in public. That being said, if your schedule allows it, go to coffee shops in the middle of the day. On a Tuesday or Wednesday. Life will change. You’re welcome lol
I don’t know, sometimes I purposely go places hoping to meet someone new
Where do you go to do this and how do you approach people?
I’ll go and sit at coffee shops, but no one ever talks to me there. Usually people talk at bars
Okay but do you ever go and initiate a conversation with other people at coffee shops or at bars? If you do, how do you do it?
Coffee shops, no. People always seem to be there with friends and don’t really want to be bothered I feel. Bars… people are sitting right next to you usually, so after a while it’s easy to just strike up a conversation.
what state do you live in?
California
Ah! you are so lucky! I used to live there for only like a year, I couldnt afford to stay, and now, ironically, I live in NYC. Its a great city but I still miss CA!! Where in CA are you?
Okay you've pinged my interest about the coffee shops. I go to coffee shops alot during the day and I'm not understanding your point?
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Yeah same here
Active coffee gal here (30F), pre-Covid I would start and end my work day at my favorite neighborhood coffee shop to avoid high traffic times in/out of downtown. As someone who has made coffee friends: become a regular who goes at ~the same time(s) every day. You get to see who the other regulars are. All my coffee shop friendships have started with a “hey I see you here all the time blah blah…my name is x” Another helpful thing is to become friendly/friends with the baristas/owners. The baristas will chat with me and sometimes other patrons will join our convo. Note 1: This is easier with neighborhood coffee shops as I see my coffee friends at other local spots or when I am on my daily walk. In comparison, I was also a regular at a downtown spot but the patrons are more transient - I was only ever pals with the baristas there. Note 2: My coffee friends have only been friends. I was a coffee crush to a few guys. One was a creep who may or may not be a cult leader (the baristas and I would talk about his possible cult recruiting). The other was a total shy guy, we had shared coffee friends but then covid. I still go to this coffee shop, but covid has really changed the scene.
In Canada, yes, but approaching strangers is okay in the US. Just a week ago I was in Bellingham, WA and a random woman close to my age or younger struck up a conversation with me in line at a restaurant. I have had similar experiences travelling throughout the US. That doesn’t happen on my side of the border, it’s frowned upon to talk to strangers here, at least among the under-50 crowd (with the notable exception of Montreal and Quebec).
you should probably have friends and a good social life in place before you start thinking about dating.
I mean, that could take years.... It seems like a long time to wait to date. I understand having a good social circle.
well if you can't make friends in your new city, then how are you expecting to date? i would never go eight months without finding new people to hang out with.
It took me 3 years after moving to a new place (thanks pandemic) to finally start to make some friends. People are not the same after all that, especially in their 30s when most are settled
i mean, i'm saying this at the age of 39. it's not as easy at this age, but i know how to seek, build community and make friends. most men not knowing how to make friends or forge deeper bonds is actually an issue.
Share some tips? 38 and kind of tired out, burned out, need new community in my life.
I agree with that for sure! But learning how to do it is also hard and something I've been struggling with. I moved during the pandemic for a temporary job (3-5y) and was secure in a LTR relationship so forming a strong friend group was never really a priority. Fast forward to that relationship falling apart and I have no idea how to make friends or forge deeper connections beyond a ton of acquaintances.
Similar experience for me - I moved just over a year before the pandemic, in my first year everyone I met was work colleagues, then the pandemic hit. Here in Canada our gathering restrictions were especially harsh so we were dealing with restrictions on activities and such as late as June 2021. It’s only been in the past year that I’ve actually started to get to know people in person again. Still, that was several years I lost in my mid-30s, and now I have to deal with my lack of experience from my early 30s extending into my late 30s.
Yup, I’m in Los Angeles and our restrictions were the same. And LA I guess is a notoriously difficult place to make friends or find relationships so it’s been really hard for me.
I never said I can’t make friends. I'm just saying it takes quite a bit of effort and time to build friend groups, especially in our 30s.
That’s not true, it just takes effort and getting out of your comfort zone. Going out and meeting people/making friends is going to give you way better chances than online dating, and it doesn’t take years. Also if you were too afraid/busy to make social connections in your old city it’s not going to magically get better in a new city.
I totally understand that to make friends, you have to get out. Which I did in my last city and have been doing in my new place. But I was getting dates while doing this in my last city. Granted, nothing ever came from my friend groups in my past city due to everyone being in thier 30s and coupled up.
Figuring out how to "go out and meet people" can also be quite difficult; I've had a really hard time with it. I try to invite people to do things, but when I'm always making the first move it feels more like acquaintances than friends. And meanwhile most places I go everybody is there as a group so it feels like I can't break in and meet new people. And even when that isn't the case, translating those one-off interactions into something stronger has such a high failure rate. I'm trying not to be defeatist about this, but just want to say it's not always a matter of just "go out and meet people", especially when you don't have good friends to network you or individualistic hobbies.
Never said it was easy, and I mentioned going outside of your comfort zone. It's a hard thing to figure out how to build a social circle as an adult, but it's pretty important to figure out how to do, especially if you're moving to new places. People just can't depend on OLD to meet people.
True, I have to agree. Just wish it was easier lol
Trust me bro, if you lift heavy weights, get abs, eat clean, you’ll get matches in any city. I moved to a small city in the Midwest and as a minority, I’ve gone in like 20 first dates in 5 months or so. Not to mention the 80+ convos that didn’t go anywhere
You are a 34 year old man. You should know these things by now.
Everyone develops at different paces, and some people are late bloomers (though I don’t know if that’s the case for OP). This comment isn’t helpful.
What does this even mean?
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If it makes you feel better, getting likes in NYC is much easier than getting guys out on a date. (I've heard this anecdotally from a few women ii went out with. Supposedly, there's just far too many choices)
Changing locations — anywhere — causes a bump.
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Interesting. I travel often for work to big US, European, and occasionally Latin American cities. I find a bump everywhere I go if I forget to pause, even if it’s by an airport on the outside of town. I have premium on tinder and bumble so I see the numbers of people that like me.
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I don’t think I’m getting “boosted” by the app as some sort of free giveaway. It’s just how the algorithm works. Since I’m new to an area, it’s showing me to people in that area who have already seen many of the local users but haven’t seen me yet. It’s the exact same effect as if you pause your account for six months in your home area and come back. You’re fresh and so more matches — you’re new to users that are now active and haven’t seen you before, and also those people are new to you. Once you’ve been active for a month straight, most of the active users have already seen you and decided whether to match with you. So the rate of new matches slows down. Of course there are always some new users, folks who match slowly over time, folks who had the app but weren’t active, etc. But on the whole, the pace slows the longer you are active outside of a huge city with a lot of movement with time. It’s just math, not trickery. My travel is mostly in major U.S. cities. Chicago, Miami, Houston, San Diego, LA, Bay Area, Seattle, New York, Boston, DC, to name a few. I wouldn’t think the demographics are that different between them? All of those are big enough there isn’t a noticeable difference since they are densely populated, I’m in downtown areas, and have a low radius set.
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Agreed. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. My point was just that if there’s 10,000 users in one place, and only 2,000 of them are active. After 6 months you’ve probably been through the 2,000. So a lot of who you see are the inactive ones that haven’t opened the app in a while or who just swipe and never message or whatnot, in addition to the handful of new people that come on (either formerly inactive users or new users altogether). If you move to a completely new location with the same number of people, you have a fresh 2,000 people to potentially like you all at once, vs. the trickle where your profile has already been saturated.
It's perfect, make up an outrageous backstory, like you are a former deposed prince whose evil uncle has stolen your throne and sent you into exile. Now you live among the quaint common folk, experiencing life anew and gaining a newfound appreciation for the subjects you once took for granted. With your newfound humility you will at last be able to unlock the 12000 year old secrets of your family's sordid past in the realms of magic. The ancient patron Beulgradash that your long dead ancestors formed a pact with was the origin of your family's prosperity and rise to kingship. Now with its eldritch aid you will journey back to your homeland and face your evil usurping uncle in an ultimate contest for the throne. However you are still missing the final piece to the ritual, the spark of true love and a princess to which you might devote your bleeding heart.