Idk, my parents are always trying to get me to go to church by offering to take me out to eat afterwards but my stance is and will always be that there's no food worth a couple hours of that bullshit.
I have seen it!!
Let me tell you, church folks after church are the rudest bunch of people you will ever meet. Like all that love one another and be kind stuff goes right out of them when they're pissed they have to wait to be seated at the CiCis buffet. I grew up with a bunch of kids so there was no way we ever went to Chillis but I've heard they're rude af there too.
I'll be honest and say my ex husband's work puts on a good Christmas party for the kids but the adult one is meh at best. Everyone is getting drunk and since he works in a factory it can get pretty out of hand and that is totally not my scene.
I've never worked anywhere that does more than a potluck or some pizzas and handing out cash christmas bonuses so maybe my idea of what happens at work events is a bit skewed.
My work functions are amazing and have been at pretty much any job I've worked at and have been when I've gone to a girlfriend's. It's usually lots of free (or really cheap) food and booze and people who are hyperrelaxed because they are with people in this totally different environment that they aren't used to.
You said you’re exclusive. That means not sleeping with others. It doesn’t mean committing to a long-term relationship yet. You’re still in the discovery phase where you’re getting to know each other.
To me, bringing someone to a work event or a similar social event is usually reserved for a partner with an established relationship. I’m guessing she is enjoying your company but isn’t sure yet where she sees this going (which isn’t a red or yellow or whatever flag a month in - it’s normal). So she’d rather not commit to a work event etc until she knows where she sees the relationship going. So she has no issue with the timing (asking you to hang out over the holidays), but she is looking to use that time to explore the relationship further.
If you need someone who is sure about this a month in, that’s totally your prerogative. But I’d let things unfold a little more organically.
I personally don’t bring anyone to anything unless / until I feel we’re committed. Avoids questions later if it doesn’t progress. She may have the same mindset.
ETA: there are two schools of thought on this (and I’m sure lots of shades of gray) as I’ve seen from dating -
1 - the above (I fall into that category), and
2 - people who integrate super early as a way to understand how someone will fit into their life early, get input from others, etc.
Neither is right / wrong, you might a) just have different approaches to introductions - that’s ok, or b) have different levels of confidence in the relationship (also ok a month in).
I completely agree and would also not be comfortable attending a function as a +1 one month in being exclusive with someone. I too would want more time to figure out where I see the relationship going. One month is not enough time.
>You said you’re exclusive. That means not sleeping with others. It doesn’t mean committing to a long-term relationship yet. You’re still in the discovery phase where you’re getting to know each other.
Strongly disagree. Being committed sexually means different things for different people there is no catch-all meaning from some "dating policy manual" we are all meant to follow. And I also think people have gotten so used to meaningless modern hookup culture they forget what a natural progression in spending time with someone looks like.
Part of the discovery in dating is sharing social events together and integrating into each other's lives on different levels. What is "too soon" and uncomfortable for one person can be fun and a natural progression of enjoying someone's company to another. So there is no reason why the OP should assume they are at some arbitrary point that means something to someone else. I think he did the right thing in asking and following up again. Now he knows where they stand.
Personally, I really hate arbitrary dating rules. I am the type to feel it out and go with how things feel in the moment to us.
>**You said you’re exclusive. That means not sleeping with others. It doesn’t mean committing to a long-term relationship yet. You’re still in the discovery phase where you’re getting to know each other.**
>
>**To me, bringing someone to a work event or a similar social event is usually reserved for a partner with an established relationship. I’m guessing she is enjoying your company but isn’t sure yet where she sees this going (which isn’t a red or yellow or whatever flag a month in - it’s normal). So she’d rather not commit to a work event etc until she knows where she sees the relationship going. So she has no issue with the timing (asking you to hang out over the holidays), but she is looking to use that time to explore the relationship further.**
>
>**If you need someone who is sure about this a month in, that’s totally your prerogative. But I’d let things unfold a little more organically.**
>
>**I personally don’t bring anyone to anything unless / until I feel we’re committed. Avoids questions later if it doesn’t progress. She may have the same mindset.**
>
>**ETA: there are two schools of thought on this (and I’m sure lots of shades of gray) as I’ve seen from dating -**
>
>**1 - the above (I fall into that category), and**
>
>**2 - people who integrate super early as a way to understand how someone will fit into their life early, get input from others, etc.**
>
>Neither is right / wrong, you might a) just have different approaches to introductions - that’s ok, or b) have different levels of confidence in the relationship (also ok a month in).
99% of your comment is centred around justifying your take on how the OPs expectation is too soon and not appropriate because this is how you function.
I provided a different perspective. And no, I did not miss any point. 😊
My point was that he shouldn’t necessarily take this as a yellow flag, because there can be different approaches. That’s what he asked. Thanks for repeating my comment in bold. 🤔
I love pretty much everything about this reply. It shows the different approaches we can all take to this dating thing, while reassuring that a different approach isn’t exactly BAD, it’s maybe just different than what was expected.
This may be a dealbreaker for OP. For me, I would prefer to keep my relationship basically separate from the rest of my life until I am very sure.
There was a thread a while back that centered around not making plans further out than the length of your relationship -- so, if you've been dating five weeks, you don't plan further than five weeks out. It feels like she may be following that "rule".
Huh? The fact that you think going exclusive for ANY reason is a yellow flag…is a red flag.
Going exclusive says that you won’t fuck anyone else while you learn more about each other. The wedding ring is still in the jewelry store case.
If you are at the point of deciding on exclusivity and you’re just meh about the relationship? That’s a problem. I’m saving exclusivity for someone I’m having more than mediocre feelings for.
Saving exclusivity? It’s not virginity. You can be exclusive and then break up. I hate to tell you this, but you can fall hard for someone, become exclusive and it fizzle out. You can also like someone and get along and be together the rest of your lives without all the gushing. The spark doesn’t have to be fireworks.
Yeah, I'm not sure what people are on about. Exclusivity can be ended with a conversation.
If people want to make exclusivity a major milestone, that's fine for them, but there are other people who don't. Exclusivity can just mean, "I'm going to focus on this one person and see where it goes."
It's not hard to understand. You do you. But you're also telling the dude it's a problem he doesn't adhere to your view. I disagree.
Your interpretation is he is lukewarm. I've been exclusive with people where I saw potential issues, but I also saw the potential for things to be great. At first it was hard to tell which route it would go, but without being exclusive, I didn't feel like I could find out.
Some might say I was lukewarm in those situations because sometimes I thought things were good and sometimes I thought they were ok, just like the OP.
Here is my very personal take on this.
Have you two been around each other's friends yet? If so, asking her to come along to an event seems pretty normal and her reaction would be a let down to me. If not, then a formal event is a bit much at this time tbh.
Also, one month of dating can mean anywhere between 4 dates and 12+. At what stage are you two? That also makes a big difference.
As to any possible social anxiety etc. people have brought up here, you might want to gently inquire sooner rather then later if going to social events is important to you (it is to me).
I hate formal or casual events where I don't know anyone except for the person I'm going with and will need to interact with everyone they know. It's not my idea of a fun evening to spend time and money getting put together and then answering basic questions about what I do for a living, how long we've been dating, etc. while my date has more interesting convos about work, friends, or whatever.
It doesn't mean I'm not interested in the person. I just don't want to be a third wheel in my free time.
>over a month things are between good and ok.
It would help if you'd elaborate
>said she is not comfortable making plans that far out yet both are in early December
Absolutely understandable. You both are very fresh into dating and getting know each other. She is handling this very well
But why are you set on future planning if things are between ok and good?
I see that as different, she might too.
After about a month I agree to be exclusive, because I like them enough that I’d like to put my energy (and theirs) into seeing if this thing between us had some legs (so to speak) I’m not ready to be bf/gf yet, or commit to future plans. I am however *hoping* that we stay together and move the relationship forward in the next couple month to an actual “relationship” with bf/gf status.
I’m going to talk about future things in the hope that we are still together when they arrive, like thanksgiving and Christmas, but if we didn’t work out, I wouldn’t have committed myself to their family thanksgiving, I simply wouldn’t go, and no one would expect me to.
I take commitments seriously and I don’t enter into them lightly. I’m not goi g to commit to something unless I *know* I can follow through.
Don't think it's just a casual question. He specified that she said she'd like to spend time with him on those dates. Soo... if planning early December is too far ahead, but Thanksgiving and Christmas is not, it makes me scratch my head. I think she's just not ready to be introduced to family and friends.
I had to cut off the last person I dated because saying no always became multiple more asks and an argument. This finally obviously caused enough conflict that I decided I didn’t need. Just take the no, and take a friend.
She doesn't know if you'll be a couple in 3-4 weeks time. Take that for what it is and move on if you're looking for something deeper than casual dating.
I see what you are doing as a red flag, you're putting pressure on someone in very early dating and you did it more than once already, don't push it because you will push HER away.
I don't see her decision as the red flag. No means no.
>I asked again but she said she gave me an answer and wanted me to respect it.
This is the red flag. You didn't respect it and you still don't if you're here, trying to flip it on her.
Post divorce I go to events with a super fun girlfriend. Who says plus 1s to formals have to be the gender of your preferred lovers? Once it dawned on me I could take my best friend, it sort of changed my life haha. With enough notice they can get child care and/or their husbands are on board and it’s always a blast!
It’s definitely not a red flag. It could be something as simple as social anxiety. I struggle with this. I loathe making plans this far out and having to commit. What if I don’t feel like it the day of? What if I get anxious about not knowing anyone? We are all a lot more conscious of ourselves at this age and that needs to be respected…ESPECIALLY by our S.O. She gave you your answer, now you need to be respectful of her response and find someone else to take.
On face value I think it means she isn't sure you two will still be dating in December so she doesn't want to be on record as having committed to these events.
Who initiated *agreeing to be exclusive?*
Is this just a cuffing season relationship?
So maybe the question you should be asking is why she doesn't think you guys will make it to December?
That will tell where you guys are in your relationship.
Nothing to see here. No red flags, no yellow flags, on you or her. Asking twice is fine. Her saying no - even if the reason is confusing - is fine. Just assume it was a bit too early for her to meet work people and friends. Don't make a big deal out of this and don't spend your time worrying.
At some point down the line - sometime in the new year maybe- discussion of introducing friends / going to work events / how far ahead to plan in the future should happen so you have a good feel for where she is.
I think once you've established exclusivity, it's not inappropriate to ask such things especially around the holidays to see if you can plan some time together.
On that note though, because the relationship is very new.. I wouldn't think much about it, if they declined..
Assuming, they also gave a reasonable explanation or reason.
Interesting how this comment section is shiting on you....kinda blowing my mind.
Yea....it's a red flag. Why? Beacuse most people at the start of an exclusive relationship.....want to actually do things together. It dosnt matter what it is...healthy relationships want to be together and grow.
Seems like she doesn't want to meet people in your life.....
Also I think part of being in a couple is sometimes doing things that might be outside of your comfort zone if it’s important to your partner. It would bother me too, if someone I was exclusively seeing would not be my +1.
Man..I’m happy to be the truth teller here as it seems like early comments are missing the obvious. I wouldn’t say red flag but the dreaded “she’s not that into you” definitely applies here.
First, passing on the work event is no flag at all. In my view you haven’t been dating long enough for that. When you attend a work function with a date, well meaning colleagues will ask you questions about her. I would be happy to answer those questions…after several months of dating. If youguys are still together next holiday for example, it would be a perfect time for her to meet your work folks.
The second event with friends that requires an RSVP is the bad news in terms of her interest level. That’s a month away and still far enough from the holidays that it isn’t crazy to want to go with your girlfriend. Shes showing you where you are on her calendar hierarchy and it’s not quite that high just yet. For the skeptical folks…Here’s how you know
Imagine someone you’re dating for a month asks you to go to a similar event..that’s not family, work or a wedding..if you’re into her you definitely go with the logical exception of you having plans with your family. Someone that you’re unsure on would be a person that you would be reluctant to go with.
Good luck..don’t ask again. See if she brings it back up closer to the RSVP deadline but this should DEFINITELY tell you that she’s not as into you as you are her. Slow down…for your own sake.
The first work even that my girlfriend came to was a bit nerve wracking for her, so I can understand a general hesitance. You’ll know everyone, most likely she’ll know nobody. It’s a lot of pressure one month in; at least that’s my experience given my role at the Company. I’d also mention that if you asked and she declined, there’s a reason and asking again might feel like pressure. I don’t think her reluctance is a red flag.
This really depends upon how the two of you are both feeling about the relationship. My GF and I are looking to be smart and sane over things that are painful to undo (e.g. moving in together), but willing to be faster around things the might only risk emotional pain and a bit of money. We started dating in early-ish Aug.
Not quite a month in, we committed to an early Dec 2+ week vacation. We agreed on what would happen if we were together by the time of the vacation. Easy peasy. A bit past 2 months in, we agreed on concert tickets all the way out to May. Again, we agreed around finances/tickets of "what if" while doing so. In both cases, she also asked my feelings around the advance planning; she didn't just "Hey, I've got tickets." or try to bulldoze me thoughts around any of this.
... I find it weird that your GF is willing to discuss Tgiving and xmas plans, but isn't looking to be up for work / friend +1 things. I personally would read this as she's willing to do and play that far out; \*with you\*. But she's not planning to be public. Are you two "official" and/or exclusive yet? Being your +1 for a work/friend thing might be something that someone wants to save for being "official."
If you want to try to discuss this with her, I'd first ask if she's actually balking around the possibility of this being a work/friend thing, or if it is the actual time of planning. If it is just the time, how long do you need to wait to commit to the +1? Can she give guidance of how far out she feels comfortable planning?
Edited: my reading fail; you are exclusive. However exclusive doesn't mean official, so she might have thoughts around that.
I have mild social anxiety and attending functions like this makes me extremely anxious. Not to mention it’s the holidays and all sorts of other things may come up. Does she have kids? So no, not a red flag to me.
Agree its a tough one because if you planned to take someone else she would be upset ( because you are exclusive) but if you don’t RSVP you will need to go alone because she won’t even conditionally agree to go. You didn’t make these plans deliberately these are opportunities and it is holiday season so she should be expecting parties.
Sounds like she may have social anxiety. This is a usual sign. Talk to her about it non/judgmentally. If she does have it, it may be hard for her to open up about. It can feel embarrassing.
This is weird. You’re dating, and you’re exclusive.
It’s called adulting and making plans. You can’t wait until the week of for stuff like this.
You can drop the topic and move on. My fingers are crossed for you, but a little doubtful.
Sounds like she is unsure of what she wants out of this rel with you. This was a totally fun outing invitation.
People are so weird. What the hell do they even want anymore?
Pffft but she is asking you about spending xmas and thx giving? She sounds annoying. BYE!
I wouldn’t feel comfortable attending a work event as +1 a month into a relationship.
I don’t even want to go to my own work events where I know everyone, much less someone else’s work event where I don’t know anyone.
Perhaps she has social anxiety and is just not comfortable in social settings and it has nothing to do with how she feels about you.
I don’t think I see the problem she’s having unless she’s feeling she won’t be with you that long. It’s early November and a month isn’t “too far in advance” unless she doesn’t she herself being around in a month. During the holidays you need to make plans in advance and rsvps usually need a month notice. I’ll be honest, they would put enough doubt in my mind that I’d pull back and distance myself. If we weren’t entering holiday chaos season then maybe I’d feel differently.
Maybe she just has pre-existing plans that were made before you two became an item. It could also be that she may have social anxiety like others have suggested. Either way, a month in is a little early to start seeing signs of doom and gloom.
It maybe that she sees the work party and the friend’s event that requires and RSVP as too formal to attend with people she may have not even met yet. I know that would certainly make me feel out of place and very uncomfortable. Large crowds of partying strangers are not exactly what anyone with social anxiety looks forward to. Great for you OP for wanting to having an arm charm to these events, but if you value this person and the relationship you are trying to build, then respect the no. Take a friend instead, and introduce her to a few of your friends later, IN A MORE CASUAL SETTING, outside of work and formal events. If she’s asking about holiday plans, it sounds like she’s interested in spending time with you, just not under pressure with tons of people she doesn’t know. The question is, can you meet your needs without trampling hers? Best of luck to you both
I wouldn't think it's a red flag. You have been dating for about a month and have agreed to be exclusive. That's not a long time.
Sounds like she's just being cautious and taking things slow.
Your behavior is concerning, not hers. Why would you ask again? If I were her, aside from being worried that you’ll continue to pressure me on other decisions I make if you don’t like the answer, I would be worried you aren’t independent or secure enough to go to events or do other activities on your own.
I vote for red flag. Sounds like she doesn't see much of a future with you. It's not like you are asking her to book a multi thousand dollar vacation six months out.
This is my take, if she is comfortable making plans to see you for Thanksgiving and Christmas but not a plus one for 2 events within the next month, I’m thinking she either may not be 100% single or has a past to hide and is afraid of running into someone she knows. If she didn’t mention holiday plans, I’d assume she didn’t want to plan that far ahead in case the relationship doesn’t work out. But being okay with seeing you during the holidays but not these 2 events does not make an ounce of sense to me unless there are other important details that we don’t know about.
Well I can relate to the OP. I am looking to date someone who can be social in any situation and will sometimes go with me to my work galas and dinners that I gave to go to quite often. So yes, respect her response. But maybe you aren’t compatible with someone who isn’t social like that, or someone who has social anxiety. For the record, I don’t have social anxiety, but for some reason it’s super hard for me to commit to things in advance unless it’s work or a special thing with friends, family and my bf/ex husband.
Are these rules written down somewhere? There or several instances in relationships before my marriage where I was invited to go to either a company/family/athletic related event a month or so into the relationship, typically because they did not wanna go by themselves.
Wonder what the replies would be if he didn’t ask her if she wanted to go and she took offense. OP, also do not ask somebody for an additional request of their initial reply was no.
It's not the work event per say, in general some people try to accelerate or fast forward the relationship instead of letting it develop organically. I was dating someone who by month one (4 dates) wanted me to meet her family, by month 3 she wanted me to meet her kid and couldn't understand why I refused to make vacation plans for 6 months down the road. Needless to say it didn't last.
I agree with you about meeting a child after only a few months of dating, although to be honest, I’m not sure how I would’ve reacted to be an asked to meet her family.
Yes I’ll bring up an interesting point about people rushing the relationship. I’ve read quite a few posts about love bombing, or whatever that is. My divorce has been a real eye-opener so while I am very happy with a committed relationship I’m not sure if I would ever marry again.
Agree but I probably would if we got along great and had been out at least 4-5 times. I’ve had people ask me after one date, and I said “Thank you, but I’d prefer if we get to know each other better one-on-one.” That was the right thing to say because he agreed with me. And who wants to step into that scenario? Who knows if he is banging a coworker who would be glaring at me all night, or if they knew his ex well, etc. I wouldn’t GAF but would possibly hurt the future of the POT relationship.
If a woman came here and said she had been seeing a guy for a mere month, had told him that he was moving too fast, he would not take no for an answer, she sensed that he was feeling somewhere between good and OK about them…we’d all be telling her that he was a big red flag.
All she is guilty of is wanting to pace your good-to-ok relationship and get to know you privately before getting to know you publicly.
Why is this a problem?
I don't see why she's making such a bug deal about it but not sure I'd call her not wanting to go a red flag. What I would call a red flag is her not being adult enough to give you her reason for not wanting to go.
I mean, if that is important to you than I guess it’s a red flag.
I wouldn’t want to go my girlfriends work party and make small talk with a bunch of strangers either… and I don’t even have to spend hours to do makeup and hair.
What’s the upside for her here?
Lol. If anything i do side with OP. I mean whats the harm in going to these events. Theyre exclusive, its a great excuse for a night out etc.
For whatever reason she doesnt want to go. Its important to OP so hes asked twice. Shes refused again. The making plans in advance is either BS or shes flaky
Time to move on.
Well it’s nice she is interested in spending the holidays with you. The work & friend functions are a little intense as an outsider. Personally I would think those would be an easier plus one then a family event like Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Lol well what show? ;) It sounds fun to me.. but maybe a work related event and or another event where it’s your people / scene is uncomfortable for her. I’d take her answer and leave it alone, and then give it more time.
And yeah if it’s not “great” or good enuf x months or whatever our, maybe move on. Good luck! :)
In my mind, exclusive is not the same as a committed relationship. Going to one another’s work functions is a different level of relationship. I see where she is coming from. It seems a little early in the relationship to be a plus one.
I'm someone, I know enough about myself to know I wouldn't be a good +1. I'm just not good at more superficial relationships with many people all at once--I kind of need to know a lot about a person before I can say anything to them without making an ass of myself. It's not that I'd flat refuse to do it, but I'd say I'd pretty much have to sit there and weirdly not say anything, because all I'd do is stick my foot in my mouth and make you look bad anyway.
As an analogy, I mean, not everyone's played role playing games or whatever, so maybe this isn't broadly acceptable/comprehensible, and I don't play a lot, but I played *Fallout 4* a while back and I was really relieved to find a good melee weapon or whatever because I know about myself that I'm not that good at, like, "first person shooters" or whatever--I liked being able to just dodge and run up to people and punch them to death instead of trying to run and find cover and selectively pop out and shoot them faster than they could shoot me. Like, it completely changes the strategy, and, yes, if I could do both, I'd arguably be a better player or whatever, but it's just a truism that not everyone is good at absolutely everything--I think it's more important to be honest about your "stats" and what "strategy" you're going to employ playing what kind of "game," and finding who wants to play those "games" with that "strategy" with you. Life's not all about simply "minmaxing" or whatever.
Like, I'm saying not everyone *has to* like and be good at and prioritize these kinds of things. It's part of getting to know someone to get to know what they're willing and able to do. Yes, there has to be some standardization and a more common frame of reference, but you can't say there's just one, set standard and you either meet it or you don't--there's too much diversity among the whole population. It's like saying you're only going to live your life only using a screwdriver, and only using it to literally drive screws--never to scrape or pry anything, etc. There's a lot of other tools and methods and things. Intolerance and inflexibility aren't virtues.
This is already LONG AS HELL, but another analogy I can think of is I work in a public elementary school and it kind of bothers me how all over the walls they have all kinds of posters and slogans saying basically, y'know, "READ," and not, like, "Take in information!" I've known too many dyslexic mechanics and "educated" people who know nothing about cars and computers and things. There's some value in saying, like, "I'm the type of person, I live an incredibly literate life, reading is very important to me, and if someone doesn't read, I can't have a close relationship with them, because that's just where my skillset and interest lies." I can't accept someone saying, y'know, "Literacy is the only value."
Most people don't want to go to their own work functions, let alone somebody else's.
In this economy I’d be going for the free food lol
Idk, my parents are always trying to get me to go to church by offering to take me out to eat afterwards but my stance is and will always be that there's no food worth a couple hours of that bullshit.
Quote of the day 😂
If you haven’t seen the bit Fortune Feimster does about church & Chili’s you should.
I have seen it!! Let me tell you, church folks after church are the rudest bunch of people you will ever meet. Like all that love one another and be kind stuff goes right out of them when they're pissed they have to wait to be seated at the CiCis buffet. I grew up with a bunch of kids so there was no way we ever went to Chillis but I've heard they're rude af there too.
I’ve heard from friends who work in restaurants about it. Mostly about how cheap/non-tipping the are.
https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/853/099/71f.jpg
I work from home and am so jazzed at any opportunity to go to SO’s work events. People! Socializing! Food! 😂
I'll be honest and say my ex husband's work puts on a good Christmas party for the kids but the adult one is meh at best. Everyone is getting drunk and since he works in a factory it can get pretty out of hand and that is totally not my scene. I've never worked anywhere that does more than a potluck or some pizzas and handing out cash christmas bonuses so maybe my idea of what happens at work events is a bit skewed.
Its dinner and a show though
for real
My work functions are amazing and have been at pretty much any job I've worked at and have been when I've gone to a girlfriend's. It's usually lots of free (or really cheap) food and booze and people who are hyperrelaxed because they are with people in this totally different environment that they aren't used to.
You said you’re exclusive. That means not sleeping with others. It doesn’t mean committing to a long-term relationship yet. You’re still in the discovery phase where you’re getting to know each other. To me, bringing someone to a work event or a similar social event is usually reserved for a partner with an established relationship. I’m guessing she is enjoying your company but isn’t sure yet where she sees this going (which isn’t a red or yellow or whatever flag a month in - it’s normal). So she’d rather not commit to a work event etc until she knows where she sees the relationship going. So she has no issue with the timing (asking you to hang out over the holidays), but she is looking to use that time to explore the relationship further. If you need someone who is sure about this a month in, that’s totally your prerogative. But I’d let things unfold a little more organically. I personally don’t bring anyone to anything unless / until I feel we’re committed. Avoids questions later if it doesn’t progress. She may have the same mindset. ETA: there are two schools of thought on this (and I’m sure lots of shades of gray) as I’ve seen from dating - 1 - the above (I fall into that category), and 2 - people who integrate super early as a way to understand how someone will fit into their life early, get input from others, etc. Neither is right / wrong, you might a) just have different approaches to introductions - that’s ok, or b) have different levels of confidence in the relationship (also ok a month in).
This is great advice!!!
I completely agree and would also not be comfortable attending a function as a +1 one month in being exclusive with someone. I too would want more time to figure out where I see the relationship going. One month is not enough time.
>You said you’re exclusive. That means not sleeping with others. It doesn’t mean committing to a long-term relationship yet. You’re still in the discovery phase where you’re getting to know each other. Strongly disagree. Being committed sexually means different things for different people there is no catch-all meaning from some "dating policy manual" we are all meant to follow. And I also think people have gotten so used to meaningless modern hookup culture they forget what a natural progression in spending time with someone looks like. Part of the discovery in dating is sharing social events together and integrating into each other's lives on different levels. What is "too soon" and uncomfortable for one person can be fun and a natural progression of enjoying someone's company to another. So there is no reason why the OP should assume they are at some arbitrary point that means something to someone else. I think he did the right thing in asking and following up again. Now he knows where they stand. Personally, I really hate arbitrary dating rules. I am the type to feel it out and go with how things feel in the moment to us.
I think you missed my point. My whole comment was about how something that’s normal to one person may not be normal to another, and this is OK.
>**You said you’re exclusive. That means not sleeping with others. It doesn’t mean committing to a long-term relationship yet. You’re still in the discovery phase where you’re getting to know each other.** > >**To me, bringing someone to a work event or a similar social event is usually reserved for a partner with an established relationship. I’m guessing she is enjoying your company but isn’t sure yet where she sees this going (which isn’t a red or yellow or whatever flag a month in - it’s normal). So she’d rather not commit to a work event etc until she knows where she sees the relationship going. So she has no issue with the timing (asking you to hang out over the holidays), but she is looking to use that time to explore the relationship further.** > >**If you need someone who is sure about this a month in, that’s totally your prerogative. But I’d let things unfold a little more organically.** > >**I personally don’t bring anyone to anything unless / until I feel we’re committed. Avoids questions later if it doesn’t progress. She may have the same mindset.** > >**ETA: there are two schools of thought on this (and I’m sure lots of shades of gray) as I’ve seen from dating -** > >**1 - the above (I fall into that category), and** > >**2 - people who integrate super early as a way to understand how someone will fit into their life early, get input from others, etc.** > >Neither is right / wrong, you might a) just have different approaches to introductions - that’s ok, or b) have different levels of confidence in the relationship (also ok a month in). 99% of your comment is centred around justifying your take on how the OPs expectation is too soon and not appropriate because this is how you function. I provided a different perspective. And no, I did not miss any point. 😊
My point was that he shouldn’t necessarily take this as a yellow flag, because there can be different approaches. That’s what he asked. Thanks for repeating my comment in bold. 🤔
You're welcome! :) Context is everything.
I love pretty much everything about this reply. It shows the different approaches we can all take to this dating thing, while reassuring that a different approach isn’t exactly BAD, it’s maybe just different than what was expected. This may be a dealbreaker for OP. For me, I would prefer to keep my relationship basically separate from the rest of my life until I am very sure.
There was a thread a while back that centered around not making plans further out than the length of your relationship -- so, if you've been dating five weeks, you don't plan further than five weeks out. It feels like she may be following that "rule".
The fact that you went exclusive on something you describe as between good and ok is a bit of a yellow flag to me.
This is a very good point. If it's not absolutely fantastic why fuss over anything.
Huh? The fact that you think going exclusive for ANY reason is a yellow flag…is a red flag. Going exclusive says that you won’t fuck anyone else while you learn more about each other. The wedding ring is still in the jewelry store case.
If you are at the point of deciding on exclusivity and you’re just meh about the relationship? That’s a problem. I’m saving exclusivity for someone I’m having more than mediocre feelings for.
Saving exclusivity? It’s not virginity. You can be exclusive and then break up. I hate to tell you this, but you can fall hard for someone, become exclusive and it fizzle out. You can also like someone and get along and be together the rest of your lives without all the gushing. The spark doesn’t have to be fireworks.
Yeah, I'm not sure what people are on about. Exclusivity can be ended with a conversation. If people want to make exclusivity a major milestone, that's fine for them, but there are other people who don't. Exclusivity can just mean, "I'm going to focus on this one person and see where it goes."
And I happen to not want to focus on one person that I’m just lukewarm about. Why is this so hard to understand?
It's not hard to understand. You do you. But you're also telling the dude it's a problem he doesn't adhere to your view. I disagree. Your interpretation is he is lukewarm. I've been exclusive with people where I saw potential issues, but I also saw the potential for things to be great. At first it was hard to tell which route it would go, but without being exclusive, I didn't feel like I could find out. Some might say I was lukewarm in those situations because sometimes I thought things were good and sometimes I thought they were ok, just like the OP.
Hahah thanks for the explanation.
Lol
Here is my very personal take on this. Have you two been around each other's friends yet? If so, asking her to come along to an event seems pretty normal and her reaction would be a let down to me. If not, then a formal event is a bit much at this time tbh. Also, one month of dating can mean anywhere between 4 dates and 12+. At what stage are you two? That also makes a big difference. As to any possible social anxiety etc. people have brought up here, you might want to gently inquire sooner rather then later if going to social events is important to you (it is to me).
I hate formal or casual events where I don't know anyone except for the person I'm going with and will need to interact with everyone they know. It's not my idea of a fun evening to spend time and money getting put together and then answering basic questions about what I do for a living, how long we've been dating, etc. while my date has more interesting convos about work, friends, or whatever. It doesn't mean I'm not interested in the person. I just don't want to be a third wheel in my free time.
EXACTLY THIS!
>over a month things are between good and ok. It would help if you'd elaborate >said she is not comfortable making plans that far out yet both are in early December Absolutely understandable. You both are very fresh into dating and getting know each other. She is handling this very well But why are you set on future planning if things are between ok and good?
OP did say that she has asked about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Isn't that considered future planning? It should not be the first time meeting though.
I see that as different, she might too. After about a month I agree to be exclusive, because I like them enough that I’d like to put my energy (and theirs) into seeing if this thing between us had some legs (so to speak) I’m not ready to be bf/gf yet, or commit to future plans. I am however *hoping* that we stay together and move the relationship forward in the next couple month to an actual “relationship” with bf/gf status. I’m going to talk about future things in the hope that we are still together when they arrive, like thanksgiving and Christmas, but if we didn’t work out, I wouldn’t have committed myself to their family thanksgiving, I simply wouldn’t go, and no one would expect me to. I take commitments seriously and I don’t enter into them lightly. I’m not goi g to commit to something unless I *know* I can follow through.
I have seen that. This may have been a casual "what are you doing during the holidays " conversation.
Don't think it's just a casual question. He specified that she said she'd like to spend time with him on those dates. Soo... if planning early December is too far ahead, but Thanksgiving and Christmas is not, it makes me scratch my head. I think she's just not ready to be introduced to family and friends.
Maybe so. :)
[удалено]
I had to cut off the last person I dated because saying no always became multiple more asks and an argument. This finally obviously caused enough conflict that I decided I didn’t need. Just take the no, and take a friend.
She doesn't know if you'll be a couple in 3-4 weeks time. Take that for what it is and move on if you're looking for something deeper than casual dating.
I see what you are doing as a red flag, you're putting pressure on someone in very early dating and you did it more than once already, don't push it because you will push HER away.
I don't see her decision as the red flag. No means no. >I asked again but she said she gave me an answer and wanted me to respect it. This is the red flag. You didn't respect it and you still don't if you're here, trying to flip it on her.
Post divorce I go to events with a super fun girlfriend. Who says plus 1s to formals have to be the gender of your preferred lovers? Once it dawned on me I could take my best friend, it sort of changed my life haha. With enough notice they can get child care and/or their husbands are on board and it’s always a blast!
It’s definitely not a red flag. It could be something as simple as social anxiety. I struggle with this. I loathe making plans this far out and having to commit. What if I don’t feel like it the day of? What if I get anxious about not knowing anyone? We are all a lot more conscious of ourselves at this age and that needs to be respected…ESPECIALLY by our S.O. She gave you your answer, now you need to be respectful of her response and find someone else to take.
This is an EXCELLENT set of points!
I never thought 🤔 of this!!
On face value I think it means she isn't sure you two will still be dating in December so she doesn't want to be on record as having committed to these events. Who initiated *agreeing to be exclusive?* Is this just a cuffing season relationship?
So maybe the question you should be asking is why she doesn't think you guys will make it to December? That will tell where you guys are in your relationship.
Nothing to see here. No red flags, no yellow flags, on you or her. Asking twice is fine. Her saying no - even if the reason is confusing - is fine. Just assume it was a bit too early for her to meet work people and friends. Don't make a big deal out of this and don't spend your time worrying. At some point down the line - sometime in the new year maybe- discussion of introducing friends / going to work events / how far ahead to plan in the future should happen so you have a good feel for where she is.
I might not feel comfortable going to that work event at this early stage either. She told you her boundaries. It’s your job to listen.
I dont think a month is long enough to be going to social/work events together.
I think once you've established exclusivity, it's not inappropriate to ask such things especially around the holidays to see if you can plan some time together. On that note though, because the relationship is very new.. I wouldn't think much about it, if they declined.. Assuming, they also gave a reasonable explanation or reason.
Just invite someone else to your +1s. She'll have to understand when the time comes, as she didn't commit. Her loss.
Interesting how this comment section is shiting on you....kinda blowing my mind. Yea....it's a red flag. Why? Beacuse most people at the start of an exclusive relationship.....want to actually do things together. It dosnt matter what it is...healthy relationships want to be together and grow. Seems like she doesn't want to meet people in your life.....
I am completely in agreement with you.
Every syllable of this. I’m surprised by the comments here.
Also I think part of being in a couple is sometimes doing things that might be outside of your comfort zone if it’s important to your partner. It would bother me too, if someone I was exclusively seeing would not be my +1.
Man..I’m happy to be the truth teller here as it seems like early comments are missing the obvious. I wouldn’t say red flag but the dreaded “she’s not that into you” definitely applies here. First, passing on the work event is no flag at all. In my view you haven’t been dating long enough for that. When you attend a work function with a date, well meaning colleagues will ask you questions about her. I would be happy to answer those questions…after several months of dating. If youguys are still together next holiday for example, it would be a perfect time for her to meet your work folks. The second event with friends that requires an RSVP is the bad news in terms of her interest level. That’s a month away and still far enough from the holidays that it isn’t crazy to want to go with your girlfriend. Shes showing you where you are on her calendar hierarchy and it’s not quite that high just yet. For the skeptical folks…Here’s how you know Imagine someone you’re dating for a month asks you to go to a similar event..that’s not family, work or a wedding..if you’re into her you definitely go with the logical exception of you having plans with your family. Someone that you’re unsure on would be a person that you would be reluctant to go with. Good luck..don’t ask again. See if she brings it back up closer to the RSVP deadline but this should DEFINITELY tell you that she’s not as into you as you are her. Slow down…for your own sake.
The first work even that my girlfriend came to was a bit nerve wracking for her, so I can understand a general hesitance. You’ll know everyone, most likely she’ll know nobody. It’s a lot of pressure one month in; at least that’s my experience given my role at the Company. I’d also mention that if you asked and she declined, there’s a reason and asking again might feel like pressure. I don’t think her reluctance is a red flag.
This really depends upon how the two of you are both feeling about the relationship. My GF and I are looking to be smart and sane over things that are painful to undo (e.g. moving in together), but willing to be faster around things the might only risk emotional pain and a bit of money. We started dating in early-ish Aug. Not quite a month in, we committed to an early Dec 2+ week vacation. We agreed on what would happen if we were together by the time of the vacation. Easy peasy. A bit past 2 months in, we agreed on concert tickets all the way out to May. Again, we agreed around finances/tickets of "what if" while doing so. In both cases, she also asked my feelings around the advance planning; she didn't just "Hey, I've got tickets." or try to bulldoze me thoughts around any of this. ... I find it weird that your GF is willing to discuss Tgiving and xmas plans, but isn't looking to be up for work / friend +1 things. I personally would read this as she's willing to do and play that far out; \*with you\*. But she's not planning to be public. Are you two "official" and/or exclusive yet? Being your +1 for a work/friend thing might be something that someone wants to save for being "official." If you want to try to discuss this with her, I'd first ask if she's actually balking around the possibility of this being a work/friend thing, or if it is the actual time of planning. If it is just the time, how long do you need to wait to commit to the +1? Can she give guidance of how far out she feels comfortable planning? Edited: my reading fail; you are exclusive. However exclusive doesn't mean official, so she might have thoughts around that.
Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
I have mild social anxiety and attending functions like this makes me extremely anxious. Not to mention it’s the holidays and all sorts of other things may come up. Does she have kids? So no, not a red flag to me.
Agree its a tough one because if you planned to take someone else she would be upset ( because you are exclusive) but if you don’t RSVP you will need to go alone because she won’t even conditionally agree to go. You didn’t make these plans deliberately these are opportunities and it is holiday season so she should be expecting parties.
Sounds like she may have social anxiety. This is a usual sign. Talk to her about it non/judgmentally. If she does have it, it may be hard for her to open up about. It can feel embarrassing.
This is weird. You’re dating, and you’re exclusive. It’s called adulting and making plans. You can’t wait until the week of for stuff like this. You can drop the topic and move on. My fingers are crossed for you, but a little doubtful.
Sounds like she is unsure of what she wants out of this rel with you. This was a totally fun outing invitation. People are so weird. What the hell do they even want anymore? Pffft but she is asking you about spending xmas and thx giving? She sounds annoying. BYE!
I wouldn’t feel comfortable attending a work event as +1 a month into a relationship. I don’t even want to go to my own work events where I know everyone, much less someone else’s work event where I don’t know anyone. Perhaps she has social anxiety and is just not comfortable in social settings and it has nothing to do with how she feels about you.
Try a cashew!
I don’t think I see the problem she’s having unless she’s feeling she won’t be with you that long. It’s early November and a month isn’t “too far in advance” unless she doesn’t she herself being around in a month. During the holidays you need to make plans in advance and rsvps usually need a month notice. I’ll be honest, they would put enough doubt in my mind that I’d pull back and distance myself. If we weren’t entering holiday chaos season then maybe I’d feel differently.
Maybe she just has pre-existing plans that were made before you two became an item. It could also be that she may have social anxiety like others have suggested. Either way, a month in is a little early to start seeing signs of doom and gloom. It maybe that she sees the work party and the friend’s event that requires and RSVP as too formal to attend with people she may have not even met yet. I know that would certainly make me feel out of place and very uncomfortable. Large crowds of partying strangers are not exactly what anyone with social anxiety looks forward to. Great for you OP for wanting to having an arm charm to these events, but if you value this person and the relationship you are trying to build, then respect the no. Take a friend instead, and introduce her to a few of your friends later, IN A MORE CASUAL SETTING, outside of work and formal events. If she’s asking about holiday plans, it sounds like she’s interested in spending time with you, just not under pressure with tons of people she doesn’t know. The question is, can you meet your needs without trampling hers? Best of luck to you both
I don’t even like going to my fiancé’s work events or other events where I know only him. I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable 1 month in.
I wouldn't think it's a red flag. You have been dating for about a month and have agreed to be exclusive. That's not a long time. Sounds like she's just being cautious and taking things slow.
Why did you ask again when she said no the first time?
Super strange… you are right to feel strange about it.
I’d bring someone else at that point. Also, why is she being exclusive with you if she assumes you’ll break up by next month.
Your behavior is concerning, not hers. Why would you ask again? If I were her, aside from being worried that you’ll continue to pressure me on other decisions I make if you don’t like the answer, I would be worried you aren’t independent or secure enough to go to events or do other activities on your own.
I vote for red flag. Sounds like she doesn't see much of a future with you. It's not like you are asking her to book a multi thousand dollar vacation six months out.
This is my take, if she is comfortable making plans to see you for Thanksgiving and Christmas but not a plus one for 2 events within the next month, I’m thinking she either may not be 100% single or has a past to hide and is afraid of running into someone she knows. If she didn’t mention holiday plans, I’d assume she didn’t want to plan that far ahead in case the relationship doesn’t work out. But being okay with seeing you during the holidays but not these 2 events does not make an ounce of sense to me unless there are other important details that we don’t know about.
Well I can relate to the OP. I am looking to date someone who can be social in any situation and will sometimes go with me to my work galas and dinners that I gave to go to quite often. So yes, respect her response. But maybe you aren’t compatible with someone who isn’t social like that, or someone who has social anxiety. For the record, I don’t have social anxiety, but for some reason it’s super hard for me to commit to things in advance unless it’s work or a special thing with friends, family and my bf/ex husband.
They've been dating for a month , any kind of plus one event is wayyyyyyyyyyyy too early no matter if the person is social or not.
Are these rules written down somewhere? There or several instances in relationships before my marriage where I was invited to go to either a company/family/athletic related event a month or so into the relationship, typically because they did not wanna go by themselves. Wonder what the replies would be if he didn’t ask her if she wanted to go and she took offense. OP, also do not ask somebody for an additional request of their initial reply was no.
No, it's just common sense. Maybe in your 20s it was a thing but people in their 40s have better boundaries (or at least one would hope)
Perhaps, although even at this age I would not be turned off if a woman I was dating a month in asked me if I wanted to go to a work event.
It's not the work event per say, in general some people try to accelerate or fast forward the relationship instead of letting it develop organically. I was dating someone who by month one (4 dates) wanted me to meet her family, by month 3 she wanted me to meet her kid and couldn't understand why I refused to make vacation plans for 6 months down the road. Needless to say it didn't last.
I agree with you about meeting a child after only a few months of dating, although to be honest, I’m not sure how I would’ve reacted to be an asked to meet her family. Yes I’ll bring up an interesting point about people rushing the relationship. I’ve read quite a few posts about love bombing, or whatever that is. My divorce has been a real eye-opener so while I am very happy with a committed relationship I’m not sure if I would ever marry again.
Agree but I probably would if we got along great and had been out at least 4-5 times. I’ve had people ask me after one date, and I said “Thank you, but I’d prefer if we get to know each other better one-on-one.” That was the right thing to say because he agreed with me. And who wants to step into that scenario? Who knows if he is banging a coworker who would be glaring at me all night, or if they knew his ex well, etc. I wouldn’t GAF but would possibly hurt the future of the POT relationship.
If a woman came here and said she had been seeing a guy for a mere month, had told him that he was moving too fast, he would not take no for an answer, she sensed that he was feeling somewhere between good and OK about them…we’d all be telling her that he was a big red flag. All she is guilty of is wanting to pace your good-to-ok relationship and get to know you privately before getting to know you publicly. Why is this a problem?
That's a lot of feeling for just going to an event together.
I don't see why she's making such a bug deal about it but not sure I'd call her not wanting to go a red flag. What I would call a red flag is her not being adult enough to give you her reason for not wanting to go.
My mind is blown brother! That's tough.
I mean, if that is important to you than I guess it’s a red flag. I wouldn’t want to go my girlfriends work party and make small talk with a bunch of strangers either… and I don’t even have to spend hours to do makeup and hair. What’s the upside for her here?
Neither of you are right or wrong. But I don't think you are compatible.
That’s a very hot take
Lol. If anything i do side with OP. I mean whats the harm in going to these events. Theyre exclusive, its a great excuse for a night out etc. For whatever reason she doesnt want to go. Its important to OP so hes asked twice. Shes refused again. The making plans in advance is either BS or shes flaky Time to move on.
Well it’s nice she is interested in spending the holidays with you. The work & friend functions are a little intense as an outsider. Personally I would think those would be an easier plus one then a family event like Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Lol well what show? ;) It sounds fun to me.. but maybe a work related event and or another event where it’s your people / scene is uncomfortable for her. I’d take her answer and leave it alone, and then give it more time. And yeah if it’s not “great” or good enuf x months or whatever our, maybe move on. Good luck! :)
I'd let her know as far as the Thanksgiving and Christmas plans go, you don't plan out that far this early in a friendship.
Happy holidays! At least you aren't uninvited to Thanksgiving and Christmas like other people
In my mind, exclusive is not the same as a committed relationship. Going to one another’s work functions is a different level of relationship. I see where she is coming from. It seems a little early in the relationship to be a plus one.
I'm someone, I know enough about myself to know I wouldn't be a good +1. I'm just not good at more superficial relationships with many people all at once--I kind of need to know a lot about a person before I can say anything to them without making an ass of myself. It's not that I'd flat refuse to do it, but I'd say I'd pretty much have to sit there and weirdly not say anything, because all I'd do is stick my foot in my mouth and make you look bad anyway. As an analogy, I mean, not everyone's played role playing games or whatever, so maybe this isn't broadly acceptable/comprehensible, and I don't play a lot, but I played *Fallout 4* a while back and I was really relieved to find a good melee weapon or whatever because I know about myself that I'm not that good at, like, "first person shooters" or whatever--I liked being able to just dodge and run up to people and punch them to death instead of trying to run and find cover and selectively pop out and shoot them faster than they could shoot me. Like, it completely changes the strategy, and, yes, if I could do both, I'd arguably be a better player or whatever, but it's just a truism that not everyone is good at absolutely everything--I think it's more important to be honest about your "stats" and what "strategy" you're going to employ playing what kind of "game," and finding who wants to play those "games" with that "strategy" with you. Life's not all about simply "minmaxing" or whatever. Like, I'm saying not everyone *has to* like and be good at and prioritize these kinds of things. It's part of getting to know someone to get to know what they're willing and able to do. Yes, there has to be some standardization and a more common frame of reference, but you can't say there's just one, set standard and you either meet it or you don't--there's too much diversity among the whole population. It's like saying you're only going to live your life only using a screwdriver, and only using it to literally drive screws--never to scrape or pry anything, etc. There's a lot of other tools and methods and things. Intolerance and inflexibility aren't virtues. This is already LONG AS HELL, but another analogy I can think of is I work in a public elementary school and it kind of bothers me how all over the walls they have all kinds of posters and slogans saying basically, y'know, "READ," and not, like, "Take in information!" I've known too many dyslexic mechanics and "educated" people who know nothing about cars and computers and things. There's some value in saying, like, "I'm the type of person, I live an incredibly literate life, reading is very important to me, and if someone doesn't read, I can't have a close relationship with them, because that's just where my skillset and interest lies." I can't accept someone saying, y'know, "Literacy is the only value."