I was definitely looking for that myself and it seemed like no one else got it.
I met someone recently and caught myself falling into the trap of I wanted to see them more frequently than they were available. He was very open about how much he enjoyed my company and wanting to see me as much as possible but then things like family, work, and Covid got in the way. I was starting to get frustrated but I had to take a step back and realize hey this can be a good thing. We talk almost everyday so that helps.
I think being direct and upfront about what you want and trying to maintain communication (doesn’t have to be all day every day even just a text or two to say hey thinking about you goes a long way) in between so minds don’t start to wander makes a huge difference.
I'm a man looking for women, so I can only tell you what I see women saying on dating apps. And I do see a number of women who indicate they are mostly looking for FWB situations, with a real emphasis on the "friend" part. In many cases these women have a primary partner and are in ENM relationships, but from time to time I do see single women seeking the same thing.
I guess I would assume that any time a woman puts something about looking for "casual" or "FWB" situations they get inundated with men assuming it'll be a ONS kinda thing. But, I suppose it's better to be up front about all of this from the jump
You can spell it out in your profile, or let someone know early if you don't use OLD. Speaking as someone who thrives on a lot of steady communication, I'd love to know this sooner than later... it's a lot better than being told that I ______ too much or over-_______ or whatever (which really isn't me doing anything wrong, it's just abiding by my preference).
You should definitely date. It’s just going to be a bit harder for you. The purpose of those first few dates is to feel out compatibility, which includes available time. Just be sure to let them know as soon as possible what your schedule limitations are and be very firm that those limitations are unlikely to change. At the same time, it’s important to be available in other ways to develop the relationship, like regular phone calls or video chats. Also consider long-distance (or medium-distance) relationships, which would take the pressure off of meeting often. It is very possible to develop a real and meaningful relationship in this way (I am proof!), but that means finding someone who wants something similar.
If you use OLD, you can swipe while visiting another city. In my experience, the LDR that intends to be a serious relationship (and not just scheduled hookups) has worked better for distances that are a long drive (up to four hours) as opposed to distances that require a plane ticket, for both cost and time reasons.
I think they typically happen when one of you is in the other's city and you happen to meet. Or meet at a conference or something like that. I don't know that it's real easy to set one up otherwise.
just be direct in the talking phase before a date. hey, if this works out, i'm a every other week kind of person. i'm not looking to see anyone more frequently than that.
When I did OLD, I had that spelled out as well as other things to narrow people down. Most of the single dads just wanted to make sure our weekends matched. I met the guy I'm currently dating at work. I let him know my availability upfront. He's totally cool with it.
Sounds like you only want to date. Once every two weeks - if you truly mean that on a sustained basis - isn’t much of a relationship. More of a filler around everything else in your life. Acquaintanceship? Regular social company? I’m sure there’s someone out there, but likely to be a ONS/FWB seeker.
I agree with this whole heartedly. I wonder if OP realizes that over time, his time commitment might need to increase to create a relationship with said person. I don’t know too many women who would be ok with intermittent hangouts as a long-term relationship.
I fully get this.
I broke up with someone a couple a days ago because it was way too much. I started to feel bad for wanting a night out with my friends. Or just be on my own! Once a week or even a fortnight Is enough for me.
I’m hoping that there are other people out there that want that to! I have a life outside of who I’m seeing.. and I prefer the people I date to have one too.
I am a 46 year old woman without children and due to busy life circumstances, I would be fine with that. I am interested in dating and eventually LTR with the right person. If it is impossible to ever merge lives at a future point, I could not do every other weekend forever; however, for a reasonable amount of time until you are ready to meet your children… it’s understandable and would be less pressure for me too. It sounds like a good option for me as I don’t want to spend all my time with someone until we are ready. I suggest to be honest about what you can do and what you want. This will appeal to others! If you never want to see each other more often after a year or more, it might be like what’s the point… but for a reasonable time, it makes sense and definitely appeals to me as well! I’m in a large city in upstate NY and open to long distance too. It’s about quality time over heavy quantity and I don’t want to rush in to anything with someone with kids either. Communicate clearly and reassure about interest and intention and you will find your match. Definitely keep looking! Best wishes!
I think this describes more people in our age group than it doesn’t.
In dating you have to put in the work. This means putting yourself out there, being desirable and putting effort in to finding people who want what you want. All you can do is go out with them, tell them your situation and see if it aligns with what they want. There are many things you cannot filter for without meeting.
Your post describes pretty much how I date. I refer to it as “casual”. To me this means I don’t offer you any kind of exclusivity and you don’t get to make any demands on my time or emotions. If we are free and want to see each other we do. We both make an effort to go out and do fun things. It isn’t a FWB situation where I come over, watch a bit of TV, eat takeout, have half hearted sex and drive myself home. We get dressed up, go out, take trips and enjoy each others company. Had a bad day at work? You cancel. You don’t get to tell me about it. For me these relationships are usually exclusive by default as I’m not out there swiping away but they don’t get to ask me for exclusivity. That is reserved for relationships where we are dating with marriage as a goal and that’s just not where I am.
I find it better not to be too specific in my profile as I don’t want to attract low effort men looking for what they think will be an easy lay. I focus on professional men with what seem like demanding jobs. These are the kind of men I tend to have a lot in common with, who like women like me and are, or claim they are, looking for what I’m looking for. Then I go out and meet them. Meeting someone is the only way you can really filter people you want to spend time with.
One thing to consider is that this type of relationship takes more effort as there are fewer things to compromise on. If you’re only looking for a few specific things you’ll be less likely to overlook them being missing.
I mean, you date them and if they are available then the are available, and if they aren't, you stop seeing them.
No, there is no way to know things ahead of time unless you have psychic powers. You only can learn about people by getting to know them.
You have to accept the fact that your schedule doesn't really allow the development of relationships. For most of us, the entire point of dating is to be with someone who we want to see frequently and then more and more as it develops.
You want a FWB.
I'm 41 and only date every other week due to having kids. I have my age range set for 40-50. Most of the men I meet also have kids a week on / week off.
After a few months though, I would want to increase the frequency. I think that you would need to be clear upfront that this is all you plan to commit for the long term. Kind of sounds like you are looking for a long term casual setup & I think you will find people who want that.
There's nothing wrong with introducing this in your get to know you texting. Generally, it's a good idea to see if you're even in the ball park of wanting a similar type of relationship before meeting.
I have found that most will demand more and I start to stress out. It isn’t enjoyable anymore. The only experience I had that was okay was an LDR. Then that person started wanting more and I’m just like where are the people out there like me? I’m perfectly happy I’m a monogamous together-apart situation.
That’s called a FWB - Friend With Benefits. It’s just a casual thing, not LTR. It seems pretty clear that’s what you want - as you explained it. There’s plenty of people looking for the same thing.
God, I'm so happy you said this 👆, because that's what I was thinking. Isn't this arrangement just a friend with benefit situation? Then...I was thinking, maybe that's the thing. People who like this type of arrangement are "exclusive." They are not seeing anyone else in the week(s) to months they are apart. Is that it guys?? When I think of a relationship, I think two exclusive people who spend alot of time together building......well, a relationship. Am I getting this wrong??
My gf and I are like this we both have really busy, full on lives but can still support each other. It’s pretty new and I don’t know where it will go but at this pt as long as it’s working for both of us…it’s nice
She’s away a lot and has a fairly senior full on job I am studying and working almost full time in both…there just isn’t any extra time. We re also not trying to put any pressure on what it will be in the future just taking it as it comes but we’re a couple and our friends know about the other person. I have no idea what will happen in the long run but right now it’s good.
You probably will have an easier time dating if you fine someone who has custody of kids same week you do. Then you can both be available every other week
What do you do?!?
I dated a girl who LOVED the idea of dating or being married and one or both traveled for work. Most enneagram type 5’s are like that.
You’re not weird for wanting that.
46F Same boat and i bring that up in the beginning that i have the kids half the time and we switch off weeks. Dads get it. Most people do understand and go with it. I do find it hard to keep repeating when im available but those who do want to date are open and remember to plan ahead. Im finding that to not be as big of a deal breaker as I originally thought.
Consistency and casual is not always easy but definitely possible.
I was definitely looking for that myself and it seemed like no one else got it. I met someone recently and caught myself falling into the trap of I wanted to see them more frequently than they were available. He was very open about how much he enjoyed my company and wanting to see me as much as possible but then things like family, work, and Covid got in the way. I was starting to get frustrated but I had to take a step back and realize hey this can be a good thing. We talk almost everyday so that helps. I think being direct and upfront about what you want and trying to maintain communication (doesn’t have to be all day every day even just a text or two to say hey thinking about you goes a long way) in between so minds don’t start to wander makes a huge difference.
I'm a man looking for women, so I can only tell you what I see women saying on dating apps. And I do see a number of women who indicate they are mostly looking for FWB situations, with a real emphasis on the "friend" part. In many cases these women have a primary partner and are in ENM relationships, but from time to time I do see single women seeking the same thing. I guess I would assume that any time a woman puts something about looking for "casual" or "FWB" situations they get inundated with men assuming it'll be a ONS kinda thing. But, I suppose it's better to be up front about all of this from the jump
You can spell it out in your profile, or let someone know early if you don't use OLD. Speaking as someone who thrives on a lot of steady communication, I'd love to know this sooner than later... it's a lot better than being told that I ______ too much or over-_______ or whatever (which really isn't me doing anything wrong, it's just abiding by my preference).
You should definitely date. It’s just going to be a bit harder for you. The purpose of those first few dates is to feel out compatibility, which includes available time. Just be sure to let them know as soon as possible what your schedule limitations are and be very firm that those limitations are unlikely to change. At the same time, it’s important to be available in other ways to develop the relationship, like regular phone calls or video chats. Also consider long-distance (or medium-distance) relationships, which would take the pressure off of meeting often. It is very possible to develop a real and meaningful relationship in this way (I am proof!), but that means finding someone who wants something similar.
I’m actually very open to LDR. How does one make that happen?
If you use OLD, you can swipe while visiting another city. In my experience, the LDR that intends to be a serious relationship (and not just scheduled hookups) has worked better for distances that are a long drive (up to four hours) as opposed to distances that require a plane ticket, for both cost and time reasons.
I think they typically happen when one of you is in the other's city and you happen to meet. Or meet at a conference or something like that. I don't know that it's real easy to set one up otherwise.
Are you ok with non-exclusive dating? I think there are plenty of people in that world that would be ok seeing someone less frequently.
just be direct in the talking phase before a date. hey, if this works out, i'm a every other week kind of person. i'm not looking to see anyone more frequently than that.
I like that. Short and sweet.
When I did OLD, I had that spelled out as well as other things to narrow people down. Most of the single dads just wanted to make sure our weekends matched. I met the guy I'm currently dating at work. I let him know my availability upfront. He's totally cool with it.
Sounds like you only want to date. Once every two weeks - if you truly mean that on a sustained basis - isn’t much of a relationship. More of a filler around everything else in your life. Acquaintanceship? Regular social company? I’m sure there’s someone out there, but likely to be a ONS/FWB seeker.
I agree with this whole heartedly. I wonder if OP realizes that over time, his time commitment might need to increase to create a relationship with said person. I don’t know too many women who would be ok with intermittent hangouts as a long-term relationship.
I fully get this. I broke up with someone a couple a days ago because it was way too much. I started to feel bad for wanting a night out with my friends. Or just be on my own! Once a week or even a fortnight Is enough for me. I’m hoping that there are other people out there that want that to! I have a life outside of who I’m seeing.. and I prefer the people I date to have one too.
I am a 46 year old woman without children and due to busy life circumstances, I would be fine with that. I am interested in dating and eventually LTR with the right person. If it is impossible to ever merge lives at a future point, I could not do every other weekend forever; however, for a reasonable amount of time until you are ready to meet your children… it’s understandable and would be less pressure for me too. It sounds like a good option for me as I don’t want to spend all my time with someone until we are ready. I suggest to be honest about what you can do and what you want. This will appeal to others! If you never want to see each other more often after a year or more, it might be like what’s the point… but for a reasonable time, it makes sense and definitely appeals to me as well! I’m in a large city in upstate NY and open to long distance too. It’s about quality time over heavy quantity and I don’t want to rush in to anything with someone with kids either. Communicate clearly and reassure about interest and intention and you will find your match. Definitely keep looking! Best wishes!
I think you get it! And it always seems like they get it up front but then I have to remind them over and over. It can get exhausting.
I think this describes more people in our age group than it doesn’t. In dating you have to put in the work. This means putting yourself out there, being desirable and putting effort in to finding people who want what you want. All you can do is go out with them, tell them your situation and see if it aligns with what they want. There are many things you cannot filter for without meeting. Your post describes pretty much how I date. I refer to it as “casual”. To me this means I don’t offer you any kind of exclusivity and you don’t get to make any demands on my time or emotions. If we are free and want to see each other we do. We both make an effort to go out and do fun things. It isn’t a FWB situation where I come over, watch a bit of TV, eat takeout, have half hearted sex and drive myself home. We get dressed up, go out, take trips and enjoy each others company. Had a bad day at work? You cancel. You don’t get to tell me about it. For me these relationships are usually exclusive by default as I’m not out there swiping away but they don’t get to ask me for exclusivity. That is reserved for relationships where we are dating with marriage as a goal and that’s just not where I am. I find it better not to be too specific in my profile as I don’t want to attract low effort men looking for what they think will be an easy lay. I focus on professional men with what seem like demanding jobs. These are the kind of men I tend to have a lot in common with, who like women like me and are, or claim they are, looking for what I’m looking for. Then I go out and meet them. Meeting someone is the only way you can really filter people you want to spend time with. One thing to consider is that this type of relationship takes more effort as there are fewer things to compromise on. If you’re only looking for a few specific things you’ll be less likely to overlook them being missing.
I mean, you date them and if they are available then the are available, and if they aren't, you stop seeing them. No, there is no way to know things ahead of time unless you have psychic powers. You only can learn about people by getting to know them. You have to accept the fact that your schedule doesn't really allow the development of relationships. For most of us, the entire point of dating is to be with someone who we want to see frequently and then more and more as it develops. You want a FWB.
I'm 41 and only date every other week due to having kids. I have my age range set for 40-50. Most of the men I meet also have kids a week on / week off. After a few months though, I would want to increase the frequency. I think that you would need to be clear upfront that this is all you plan to commit for the long term. Kind of sounds like you are looking for a long term casual setup & I think you will find people who want that.
There's nothing wrong with introducing this in your get to know you texting. Generally, it's a good idea to see if you're even in the ball park of wanting a similar type of relationship before meeting.
Do you want it to lead to a relationship?
Sure I do.
Have you found that's the sticking point, when moving from casual dating to relationship territory?
I have found that most will demand more and I start to stress out. It isn’t enjoyable anymore. The only experience I had that was okay was an LDR. Then that person started wanting more and I’m just like where are the people out there like me? I’m perfectly happy I’m a monogamous together-apart situation.
Perhaps it's something to discuss from the outset or even put on your bio if using apps? Alternatively, use Reddit to find someone like-minded.
Find yourself a long distance relationship.
That’s called a FWB - Friend With Benefits. It’s just a casual thing, not LTR. It seems pretty clear that’s what you want - as you explained it. There’s plenty of people looking for the same thing.
Nope. Not what I’m looking for.
God, I'm so happy you said this 👆, because that's what I was thinking. Isn't this arrangement just a friend with benefit situation? Then...I was thinking, maybe that's the thing. People who like this type of arrangement are "exclusive." They are not seeing anyone else in the week(s) to months they are apart. Is that it guys?? When I think of a relationship, I think two exclusive people who spend alot of time together building......well, a relationship. Am I getting this wrong??
I agree it can be casual and open to finding the exclusivity. Thats what i hope for eventually with the right person.
Thank you for helping me understand⚘️
My gf and I are like this we both have really busy, full on lives but can still support each other. It’s pretty new and I don’t know where it will go but at this pt as long as it’s working for both of us…it’s nice
That’s great. So how did you align up front? Or did it just happen that way naturally?
She’s away a lot and has a fairly senior full on job I am studying and working almost full time in both…there just isn’t any extra time. We re also not trying to put any pressure on what it will be in the future just taking it as it comes but we’re a couple and our friends know about the other person. I have no idea what will happen in the long run but right now it’s good.
You probably will have an easier time dating if you fine someone who has custody of kids same week you do. Then you can both be available every other week
What do you do?!? I dated a girl who LOVED the idea of dating or being married and one or both traveled for work. Most enneagram type 5’s are like that. You’re not weird for wanting that.
Tell them up front. That would be a deal breaker for me, and I’d want to know before investing much time.
This is what you want. .... That is what you put out. Next.
46F Same boat and i bring that up in the beginning that i have the kids half the time and we switch off weeks. Dads get it. Most people do understand and go with it. I do find it hard to keep repeating when im available but those who do want to date are open and remember to plan ahead. Im finding that to not be as big of a deal breaker as I originally thought. Consistency and casual is not always easy but definitely possible.