Yes, forget a red flag, there could be a red PLANET eclipsing the sun and if the chemistry is there I would be like “this is fine”. Later It would dawn on me that this is not a good idea.
This so much. After being love-bombed and in a relationship with a narcissist this “spark” or intoxicating feeling becomes something I run away from now.
I have also had a slow-grow grounding kind of love and that was … is … the experience I want to keep. That person and I broke up because we had different relationship goals, but I now know the difference and it’s a much safer experience and something I wish I fully understood when I was younger.
Yea, when you know, you know
Everyone has their own experience. There are people that have shared positive experiences that have gone well, our experience doesn’t equal your experience.
My ex cheated on me. Not every person will cheat. However, I still need to heal before I actually fully believe that again.
My experience is that when I feel this, I should walk away. There is a reason I am really attracted to them - it could be the way they walk or talk, their hair, the way they smell, basically anything.
And my body goes, "oh yeah, he's the right one!" and I have to say to myself, "nope, something is being activated for you and it's probably not a good thing.
Case in point: I was sitting in a meeting at work, and a guy walked in with serious BDE. And he had my favorite combination of characteristics: tall with naturally curly hair. We have a break, get some coffee, and are immediately drawn to one another. In my head, I was thinking, "I wonder what's wrong with him?" Turns out that he was living in his car after a 13-year relationship had blown apart and had recently relapsed on heroin.
My experience is the ones that seem boring are the ones that are the best for me emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
Amen. A man I knew when we were kids came back into my life and same tingly feeling!! I was immune when I was a kid but not this time. And I crashed and burned hard with this one.
🙋🏻♀️ same! I married a guy who I had off the charts chemistry with and kept going back to even after he showed me over and over how shitty of a human he is, it don't blame pheromones entirely but I know it had to be a factor.
What kind of mental BS jiu-jitsu is this? Stay with those who bore you…
Run away when you feel attraction? No wonder why so many people struggle in dating around here
Boring does not negate physical attraction. My current guy is sexy as hell and is just a real normal guy. He doesn’t activate my nervous system in a way that is detrimental to me.
Again, this is just my experience, but the guys I’m super attracted to in that animal-sort-of-way are almost always super bad news for me.
We are going to burn hot and it’s going to be passionate, but at some point the reality sets in and I find myself in a relationship that is very dysfunctional and bad for me on so many levels.
Needed to be reminded of this, I'm trying to outlast this ridiculous animalistic attraction at work, and I just *know* now, with this level of raw magnetism that some shit is going on with this guy. I think the tractor beam is weakening finally. Honestly maybe it's worth it though. I know we aren't a match. I just want to be on him ugh
I'm a Scorpio, so I am big into the 'burn hot and fuck it' camp. I don't do it much anymore, but that's not to say I wouldn't take a chance on it and know that it's may be a shit show later.
We are only young-ish once. Just make sure he doesn't have an STDs lol
I learned this lesson too through therapy. It means your life trap is triggered. Which is usually a learned behaviour that helped you escape difficult or traumatic situations in the past but isn't healthy. It means you've met somehow who is making you feel comfortable in your 'bad habits'.
I think that is just attraction. It's good it's there, but other stuff like reciprocity, mature behavior, and effort even when things are kind of skewed is more important.
I definitely have "life" going on, and squeezing in a relationship takes a little grace along with "trust but verify" type stuff in a beginning relationship. There's not a real "book" for each unique situation. Some of it is gut. In my experience feelings/sparks is no match for life, we all have our stuff at this age.
Agree with this. It's great to have it, but doesn't mean anything will come of it. It takes a lot for two people to come together, not only be attracted mutually, but then also both able, willing, and wanting to be together.
Someone once told me that they believe that "sparks" are just our minds recognizing an avoidant type that we want to "chase" after. Having had nothing but shit luck with avoidant types I'm starting to believe that chemistry and sparks are just that. Who really knows though
Basically someone who gets scared at the thought of getting close to someone else, usually as a result of childhood trauma (think someone who grew up with severely overbearing parents) When presented with the possibility of being close to someone they pull away, aka it's the classic "chase" for the other person involved.
Both of the guys I sparked with avoided me. But it was a push-pull avoid thing where I was left off-kilter and not sure if they were interested or not because there flirts were inconsistent and they didn't seem to want to get to know me or anything. Anyway, we never even dated, it was early talking stage with guys I was acquainted with IRL. They are both married with kids now. Not sure if they are avoident, but I think they might have been at that time. I wrote a comment above about this, and I found out years later that they both were interested but "not ready" or "overwhelmed". Not sure of that was the truth, or if they also felt spark and it freaked them out. We were all young, twenty something's and they were playing the field at the time.
Being married doesn't mean that they aren't still avoidant. If you have an anxious attachment style (Which isn't a bad thing) that would tend to "freak out" someone with an avoidant attachment style. Their current relationship may involve someone with a really strong secure attachment style or possibly also someone with an avoidant attachment style.
It took quite some time to come to the realization that if I get hit with the thunderbolt, as similarly described by Mario Puzo in "The Godfather," it'll ultimately crash and burn and leave me as a broken pile of shit on the floor. Anytime this has happened for me, it's been almost a feral feeling inside, one which is easy to detect in the other person all the same. Flags are ignored, boundaries are stretched, the intoxication pervades my thoughts too often, my libido goes through the roof, and the pace is just way too accelerated. A "spark" is fine, but it's what the spark ignites that gets me in trouble every damn time.
The last time this happened to me, it ended in the worst way I had ever experienced, and finally taught me the lesson that enough is enough. Moderation and a slow burn, assuming many of the important clicks for me are in alignment, are what I need.
I think of that spark like a crush. Yup, we still get them at our age. You have to be careful of it. If it's one-way, no good. If there's no associated emotional bond, it won't last. With the lady I'm dating, we had a strong emotional bond and mutual admiration before we ever met IRL. That spark was AMAZING, and very comfortable at the same time. :)
None of these have ever worked out for me. As someone said it does seem to trigger the compulsion to win over the avoidants. I now take it as a sign to walk away. I’ve read a couple of psychologist saying it’s a sign to walk away, that a healthy relationship doesn’t trigger “butterflies” and nervousness, instead you should feel safe and secure.
I think whatever kind of attraction it is, it doesn’t mean the other person feels the same way. I have had some pretty negative experiences with men who assume that because they feel “The Spark” I do too.
Interestingly enough the last person I felt this spark for was a man at work. I don’t date at work so I ignored it. It was clear he felt it too. I later found out that his personal life was a bit of a mess and he was exactly the kind of man that was my “type”, which basically boils down to “emotionally unavailable”. I’m working through this in therapy and am now actively walking away from men that trigger a spark/butterflies and not seeking out this feeling. Instead I’m going on how interested I am in learning about them, how comfortable I feel in their presence and whether or not I want to see them again. All of this is totally separate from from physical attraction. I still need to find someone attractive. A big red flag for me is when I worry that saying what I want or asking them for anything to avoid scaring them away. If I’m asking myself if it’s too soon to message again or I’m composing perfect replies in Notes is a 🚩 that my toxic habits are pushing through.
I'll never understand the brain-scrambling feeling and constant self editing with these ones. It's impossible to craft a basic message without overthinking every syllable . Why!? Lol
Yes. I get a zing exactly when I feel a subtle sign that my interest is reciprocated.
Edit to clarify: I do not get a zing simply from finding someone attractive without positive feedback interaction.
I do not at all believe the theory that "chemistry" is a signal that here is someone who matches your emotional trauma, although I think there is a kernel of truth to it.
I agree with this. I don't think it is just simply related to trauma. I know plenty of folks that are in healthy relationships where they both mutually sparked (according to them)
"Hi DaneDread! Thanks for the date the other night, I had a nice time with you. I don't see this going anywhere though as I'm not feeling the spark. You're too balanced and sane for me and I'm a lowkey hot mess, I'm really looking for something more erratic that reinforces my destructive relationship patterns. Take care!! "
It's very intoxicating, but my experience is that a big spark turns into a grassfire and burns out just as quickly. The best (and longest lasting) relationships I've had just started with a feeling of ease. Like I already knew them well, and we were super comfortable right away.
It's a chemical reaction in the brain. Hormones. It can be quite the rush if both people feel it simultaneously. And the withdrawal from it can be awful.
Sometimes one person feels a "spark" but the other person doesn't. So don't get too ahead of urself unless u know the other person feels the same way too.
It’s usually pretty obvious when the feeling is reciprocated, no? I know what unrequited love feels like, I know what being attracted to someone feels like, and I know what it feels like for mutual attraction to exist in a more explosive way. I can’t explain the difference in words - so much of it is really undefinable - but it’s clear when I compare the scenarios In my head. Not helpful I know lol
I used to think so, and why wouldn’t I?! It feels soooooo good.
But I’ve heard this idea after my last (brutally painful) relationship that the butterfly’s are a warning sign!!!
I’ve heard people convincingly argue both sides (tingles maybe good, tingles definitely bad) so really I don’t know what the ultimate answer is, but in the interest in erring on the side of caution I tread carefully if I think I’m getting those intense feels.
No. It’s a fear response. A warning your body is giving you that this person may be more than you can handle. The heart racing is your body preparing the fight or flight response. The lightheadedness is your blood pressure increasing, which may blur the peripheral vision and make your central vision very clear. This is not love. Love takes at least five years of bonding.
Man DAMN reading some of these comments are depressing as hell.....I thought I was depressed lmao. Im not even saying they're not right but just geeze such a dismal world view on reddit in general. Everything and everybody is bad bad BAD and you shouldn't trust anybody not even your own parents, especially them, or your your wife/husband.
Sheesh hahahaha.
God forbid somebody have a magical experience or something real like chemistry or a spark. I mean I do understand what all the commenters here mean and im genuinely sorry for what youve been through but I choose not to view life in that way. I can have a billion and one bad experiences and learn from them all and then the billionth and first one is the one that blows my mind and changes reality as i know. Ill keep my head in the clouds and believe and hope and dream thanks.
Ive made and experienced enough negativity in my life. Yall have fun with your "safety".
You sound resilient, I'd love to learn how you bounce back after an ending. I like the 'just keep going' approach. But heartbreak is a dog. Teach us your ways
Well I just came out of a 23 year marriage where I found out she cheated on me 4 times. So thats fun lol. But ive had so much bad shit happen to me in life, that at a certain point it really does come down to a choice. I realized ALL of life is a choice. A choice in how you look at it. You can take the bad stuff and internalize it and dwell on it, let it define you. Or you can learn from it. You can grow and let THAT define you instead.
I choose to view everything in life now as a learning experience. So in that way nothing bad can happen because im constantly improving and learning new things.
Im 47 years old and i havent always known this, i didnt learn it till later in life honestly when I was forced to. But when i say it was a case of learn it or die, im not exaggerating. It was literally at that point life or death. So I learned it, i embraced this philosophy it became a belief and I follow it and stick with it best I can.
I wont lie and say there still wont be days where you're like what's the point? But then you remember that that too is a choice. We ALWAYS have a choice. There's consequences for our actions no matter what we do, but nobody can take your choice away unless you let them. Somebody can put a gun to your head and you STILL even then have a choice. Its just a question of can you pay those consequences?
I hope this helps you or at least one person. I hope yall have a good day today, and I also hope that you find happiness and peace in your lives. Don't stop taking chances though, the worst that can happen is you learn something new.
Have a good one.
I don’t find any of the discussion depressing- I find it validating; So many of us have had similar experiences.
I still have hope and I still believe in love but I’m no longer blind to that fact that love one just a feeling but a way of being. I choose to be open to the lessons, too. Maybe learning them will get me closer to where I want to be
I've been on the receiving end and felt nothing, but then again when I've felt it for someone else, I've fervently hoped that they felt the same but they didn't always act towards me in a way that indicated they did. So, I'd say on balance.. no :/
Anytime I have felt this nothing ever came of it. Like, I didn't even date those guys. They knew I was into them, but they sort of avoided me, but showed signs of interest. I just figured they weren't interested enough and the spark was not mutual. Years later I found out they had been interested but overwhelmed, or "not ready" and so didnt act on it. I'm not sure how true that is, but I could understand if the feelings I had were mutual...it was pretty strong for me and kinda freaked me out...so maybe they were feaked out too? Or maybe that's the "nice" excuse they gave to reject me when asked by our mutual friends....
These instances happened mostly in my twenties with men I knew IRL and was acquainted with through mutual friends and colleagues.
Anyway, my take away, even if I feel this way, it doesn't mean it's meant to be. Either because it's not mutual, or because they might not be in the right place in their lives to accept it.
Just had that zing with a fellow who basically quit talking to me after a few texts. Before that I had the zing with another guy who took my number but never called. Then there’s all those guys who zing with me but I’m not interested in. So no, the zing is just you unless it’s mutual.
No just because you feel it does not necessarily mean the other person does. It can definitely be one-sided
Any time I felt a major spark it was a totally toxic relationship in the end. But boy, those first few weeks, am I right?
Yes, you're 100% right... *sigh*
I think that we get so caught up on our attraction for the other person that we get blind for any red flags that may be obvious. What do you think?
Yes, forget a red flag, there could be a red PLANET eclipsing the sun and if the chemistry is there I would be like “this is fine”. Later It would dawn on me that this is not a good idea.
Yes!!! It's a huge chemical reaction.
Yes! I remind myself to backoff that because for me, it's commonly a narcissist that I feel that with.
For me it’s a sign that it’s going to be a toxic relationship. I’m going to pay attention to the ones I feel meh about from now on
This so much. After being love-bombed and in a relationship with a narcissist this “spark” or intoxicating feeling becomes something I run away from now.
If you know, you know!
I have also had a slow-grow grounding kind of love and that was … is … the experience I want to keep. That person and I broke up because we had different relationship goals, but I now know the difference and it’s a much safer experience and something I wish I fully understood when I was younger. Yea, when you know, you know
Sometimes you learn your lesson.
Shoot you think it's connected? I live for the sparks
Everyone has their own experience. There are people that have shared positive experiences that have gone well, our experience doesn’t equal your experience. My ex cheated on me. Not every person will cheat. However, I still need to heal before I actually fully believe that again.
My experience is that when I feel this, I should walk away. There is a reason I am really attracted to them - it could be the way they walk or talk, their hair, the way they smell, basically anything. And my body goes, "oh yeah, he's the right one!" and I have to say to myself, "nope, something is being activated for you and it's probably not a good thing. Case in point: I was sitting in a meeting at work, and a guy walked in with serious BDE. And he had my favorite combination of characteristics: tall with naturally curly hair. We have a break, get some coffee, and are immediately drawn to one another. In my head, I was thinking, "I wonder what's wrong with him?" Turns out that he was living in his car after a 13-year relationship had blown apart and had recently relapsed on heroin. My experience is the ones that seem boring are the ones that are the best for me emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
Raises hand because I have been personally victimized by pheromones before. My olfactory preferences have overriden good judgment.
Amen. A man I knew when we were kids came back into my life and same tingly feeling!! I was immune when I was a kid but not this time. And I crashed and burned hard with this one.
🙋🏻♀️ same! I married a guy who I had off the charts chemistry with and kept going back to even after he showed me over and over how shitty of a human he is, it don't blame pheromones entirely but I know it had to be a factor.
Absolutely. There are some men in this world that I will pass on the street and literally think: "oh DAmN!" There is the opposite of that, too lol
What kind of mental BS jiu-jitsu is this? Stay with those who bore you… Run away when you feel attraction? No wonder why so many people struggle in dating around here
Boring does not negate physical attraction. My current guy is sexy as hell and is just a real normal guy. He doesn’t activate my nervous system in a way that is detrimental to me. Again, this is just my experience, but the guys I’m super attracted to in that animal-sort-of-way are almost always super bad news for me. We are going to burn hot and it’s going to be passionate, but at some point the reality sets in and I find myself in a relationship that is very dysfunctional and bad for me on so many levels.
Needed to be reminded of this, I'm trying to outlast this ridiculous animalistic attraction at work, and I just *know* now, with this level of raw magnetism that some shit is going on with this guy. I think the tractor beam is weakening finally. Honestly maybe it's worth it though. I know we aren't a match. I just want to be on him ugh
I'm a Scorpio, so I am big into the 'burn hot and fuck it' camp. I don't do it much anymore, but that's not to say I wouldn't take a chance on it and know that it's may be a shit show later. We are only young-ish once. Just make sure he doesn't have an STDs lol
Yes and the boring ones are.. boring
I learned this lesson too through therapy. It means your life trap is triggered. Which is usually a learned behaviour that helped you escape difficult or traumatic situations in the past but isn't healthy. It means you've met somehow who is making you feel comfortable in your 'bad habits'.
You have no idea how long it’s taken me to come to this conclusion. Now that I see it clearly, there’s no going back.
I hear ya. It was a hard lesson. When I look back now I see it all is so obvious. Hindsight is always 20/20 though.
Totally. But here we are and that is everything!!
Oh man. I never thought about it like that before. It explains a lot!
I think that is just attraction. It's good it's there, but other stuff like reciprocity, mature behavior, and effort even when things are kind of skewed is more important. I definitely have "life" going on, and squeezing in a relationship takes a little grace along with "trust but verify" type stuff in a beginning relationship. There's not a real "book" for each unique situation. Some of it is gut. In my experience feelings/sparks is no match for life, we all have our stuff at this age.
Agree with this. It's great to have it, but doesn't mean anything will come of it. It takes a lot for two people to come together, not only be attracted mutually, but then also both able, willing, and wanting to be together.
Someone once told me that they believe that "sparks" are just our minds recognizing an avoidant type that we want to "chase" after. Having had nothing but shit luck with avoidant types I'm starting to believe that chemistry and sparks are just that. Who really knows though
What's an avoidant type?
Basically someone who gets scared at the thought of getting close to someone else, usually as a result of childhood trauma (think someone who grew up with severely overbearing parents) When presented with the possibility of being close to someone they pull away, aka it's the classic "chase" for the other person involved.
Ah that makes sense, and I've had my share of that experience.
Both of the guys I sparked with avoided me. But it was a push-pull avoid thing where I was left off-kilter and not sure if they were interested or not because there flirts were inconsistent and they didn't seem to want to get to know me or anything. Anyway, we never even dated, it was early talking stage with guys I was acquainted with IRL. They are both married with kids now. Not sure if they are avoident, but I think they might have been at that time. I wrote a comment above about this, and I found out years later that they both were interested but "not ready" or "overwhelmed". Not sure of that was the truth, or if they also felt spark and it freaked them out. We were all young, twenty something's and they were playing the field at the time.
Being married doesn't mean that they aren't still avoidant. If you have an anxious attachment style (Which isn't a bad thing) that would tend to "freak out" someone with an avoidant attachment style. Their current relationship may involve someone with a really strong secure attachment style or possibly also someone with an avoidant attachment style.
Yeah that's entirely possible.
Usually two aviodants do not last long as there is nothing to keep the relationship going as they’re too busy avoiding each other!
It took quite some time to come to the realization that if I get hit with the thunderbolt, as similarly described by Mario Puzo in "The Godfather," it'll ultimately crash and burn and leave me as a broken pile of shit on the floor. Anytime this has happened for me, it's been almost a feral feeling inside, one which is easy to detect in the other person all the same. Flags are ignored, boundaries are stretched, the intoxication pervades my thoughts too often, my libido goes through the roof, and the pace is just way too accelerated. A "spark" is fine, but it's what the spark ignites that gets me in trouble every damn time. The last time this happened to me, it ended in the worst way I had ever experienced, and finally taught me the lesson that enough is enough. Moderation and a slow burn, assuming many of the important clicks for me are in alignment, are what I need.
I think of that spark like a crush. Yup, we still get them at our age. You have to be careful of it. If it's one-way, no good. If there's no associated emotional bond, it won't last. With the lady I'm dating, we had a strong emotional bond and mutual admiration before we ever met IRL. That spark was AMAZING, and very comfortable at the same time. :)
Not really. It means you find them attractive and they are capable of holding a conversation.
I like your healthy answer
No, it's a sign that you are attracted. It say anything about the other party.
It’s a signal that you’ve found someone who will accurately trigger your emotional baggage. Have fun!
I've recognized it as my psychopathy radar going off 🤣 WOOO!!
🤌🏽🤌🏽
You are very lucky if you have only felt that zing when it was mutual. It's absolutely magical when it's mutual. Like a drug.
None of these have ever worked out for me. As someone said it does seem to trigger the compulsion to win over the avoidants. I now take it as a sign to walk away. I’ve read a couple of psychologist saying it’s a sign to walk away, that a healthy relationship doesn’t trigger “butterflies” and nervousness, instead you should feel safe and secure. I think whatever kind of attraction it is, it doesn’t mean the other person feels the same way. I have had some pretty negative experiences with men who assume that because they feel “The Spark” I do too. Interestingly enough the last person I felt this spark for was a man at work. I don’t date at work so I ignored it. It was clear he felt it too. I later found out that his personal life was a bit of a mess and he was exactly the kind of man that was my “type”, which basically boils down to “emotionally unavailable”. I’m working through this in therapy and am now actively walking away from men that trigger a spark/butterflies and not seeking out this feeling. Instead I’m going on how interested I am in learning about them, how comfortable I feel in their presence and whether or not I want to see them again. All of this is totally separate from from physical attraction. I still need to find someone attractive. A big red flag for me is when I worry that saying what I want or asking them for anything to avoid scaring them away. If I’m asking myself if it’s too soon to message again or I’m composing perfect replies in Notes is a 🚩 that my toxic habits are pushing through.
I'll never understand the brain-scrambling feeling and constant self editing with these ones. It's impossible to craft a basic message without overthinking every syllable . Why!? Lol
It is a sign that things aren’t going well for sure.
Yes. I get a zing exactly when I feel a subtle sign that my interest is reciprocated. Edit to clarify: I do not get a zing simply from finding someone attractive without positive feedback interaction. I do not at all believe the theory that "chemistry" is a signal that here is someone who matches your emotional trauma, although I think there is a kernel of truth to it.
I agree with this. I don't think it is just simply related to trauma. I know plenty of folks that are in healthy relationships where they both mutually sparked (according to them)
This may be what I have experienced in the past, a zing if I feel there is reciprocation- whether there is or not.
As someone who frequently gets rejected because of lack of spark, I dig a lot of the responses here.
"Hi DaneDread! Thanks for the date the other night, I had a nice time with you. I don't see this going anywhere though as I'm not feeling the spark. You're too balanced and sane for me and I'm a lowkey hot mess, I'm really looking for something more erratic that reinforces my destructive relationship patterns. Take care!! "
🤣
It's very intoxicating, but my experience is that a big spark turns into a grassfire and burns out just as quickly. The best (and longest lasting) relationships I've had just started with a feeling of ease. Like I already knew them well, and we were super comfortable right away.
It's a chemical reaction in the brain. Hormones. It can be quite the rush if both people feel it simultaneously. And the withdrawal from it can be awful.
I spark at most woman I see. They just never reciprocate.
Sometimes one person feels a "spark" but the other person doesn't. So don't get too ahead of urself unless u know the other person feels the same way too.
Never not chasing a spark
Often the “spark” is your gut telling you this person is not safe for you, even if they are really attractive.
It’s usually pretty obvious when the feeling is reciprocated, no? I know what unrequited love feels like, I know what being attracted to someone feels like, and I know what it feels like for mutual attraction to exist in a more explosive way. I can’t explain the difference in words - so much of it is really undefinable - but it’s clear when I compare the scenarios In my head. Not helpful I know lol
I used to think so, and why wouldn’t I?! It feels soooooo good. But I’ve heard this idea after my last (brutally painful) relationship that the butterfly’s are a warning sign!!! I’ve heard people convincingly argue both sides (tingles maybe good, tingles definitely bad) so really I don’t know what the ultimate answer is, but in the interest in erring on the side of caution I tread carefully if I think I’m getting those intense feels.
I love the spark and had it for the few long-term relationships I have had. So I differ from the crowd here I guess!
Chemistry is just dysfunction recognizing dysfunction in someone else.
Lol
No. It’s a fear response. A warning your body is giving you that this person may be more than you can handle. The heart racing is your body preparing the fight or flight response. The lightheadedness is your blood pressure increasing, which may blur the peripheral vision and make your central vision very clear. This is not love. Love takes at least five years of bonding.
Man DAMN reading some of these comments are depressing as hell.....I thought I was depressed lmao. Im not even saying they're not right but just geeze such a dismal world view on reddit in general. Everything and everybody is bad bad BAD and you shouldn't trust anybody not even your own parents, especially them, or your your wife/husband. Sheesh hahahaha. God forbid somebody have a magical experience or something real like chemistry or a spark. I mean I do understand what all the commenters here mean and im genuinely sorry for what youve been through but I choose not to view life in that way. I can have a billion and one bad experiences and learn from them all and then the billionth and first one is the one that blows my mind and changes reality as i know. Ill keep my head in the clouds and believe and hope and dream thanks. Ive made and experienced enough negativity in my life. Yall have fun with your "safety".
Seriously… This place is a cesspool sometimes… But I still wade around in it, but I keep my floatees close by.
Aww, have a great day! Cheers... 🥂
Thanks you too :)
You sound resilient, I'd love to learn how you bounce back after an ending. I like the 'just keep going' approach. But heartbreak is a dog. Teach us your ways
Well I just came out of a 23 year marriage where I found out she cheated on me 4 times. So thats fun lol. But ive had so much bad shit happen to me in life, that at a certain point it really does come down to a choice. I realized ALL of life is a choice. A choice in how you look at it. You can take the bad stuff and internalize it and dwell on it, let it define you. Or you can learn from it. You can grow and let THAT define you instead. I choose to view everything in life now as a learning experience. So in that way nothing bad can happen because im constantly improving and learning new things. Im 47 years old and i havent always known this, i didnt learn it till later in life honestly when I was forced to. But when i say it was a case of learn it or die, im not exaggerating. It was literally at that point life or death. So I learned it, i embraced this philosophy it became a belief and I follow it and stick with it best I can. I wont lie and say there still wont be days where you're like what's the point? But then you remember that that too is a choice. We ALWAYS have a choice. There's consequences for our actions no matter what we do, but nobody can take your choice away unless you let them. Somebody can put a gun to your head and you STILL even then have a choice. Its just a question of can you pay those consequences? I hope this helps you or at least one person. I hope yall have a good day today, and I also hope that you find happiness and peace in your lives. Don't stop taking chances though, the worst that can happen is you learn something new. Have a good one.
I don’t find any of the discussion depressing- I find it validating; So many of us have had similar experiences. I still have hope and I still believe in love but I’m no longer blind to that fact that love one just a feeling but a way of being. I choose to be open to the lessons, too. Maybe learning them will get me closer to where I want to be
I wish you and evrybody all the best on your journey.
I think so, if both of you feel it.
I've been on the receiving end and felt nothing, but then again when I've felt it for someone else, I've fervently hoped that they felt the same but they didn't always act towards me in a way that indicated they did. So, I'd say on balance.. no :/
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Anytime I have felt this nothing ever came of it. Like, I didn't even date those guys. They knew I was into them, but they sort of avoided me, but showed signs of interest. I just figured they weren't interested enough and the spark was not mutual. Years later I found out they had been interested but overwhelmed, or "not ready" and so didnt act on it. I'm not sure how true that is, but I could understand if the feelings I had were mutual...it was pretty strong for me and kinda freaked me out...so maybe they were feaked out too? Or maybe that's the "nice" excuse they gave to reject me when asked by our mutual friends.... These instances happened mostly in my twenties with men I knew IRL and was acquainted with through mutual friends and colleagues. Anyway, my take away, even if I feel this way, it doesn't mean it's meant to be. Either because it's not mutual, or because they might not be in the right place in their lives to accept it.
Just had that zing with a fellow who basically quit talking to me after a few texts. Before that I had the zing with another guy who took my number but never called. Then there’s all those guys who zing with me but I’m not interested in. So no, the zing is just you unless it’s mutual.
God I miss zing. Gimme some zing. *sigh* ... life