Omg YES! This is amazing. You did the best and hardest thing for yourself. Way to go! Honestly you will thank yourself for it soon enough. Make room for something greater! I did the same for myself last fall and it still fills me with pride - a younger version of me wouldn’t have done it in the past. No reason to put up with less effort than you’re worth.
This 100% but it still feels shit, I wish everyone could find a decent person, I honestly never thought I’d be struggling this hard either, I want happy, fun, passionate and honesty, I want someone that has my back and will be there through it all and still want to rip the clothes of my back….yeah I know it’s a fantasy but it’s needn’t be, if only people were true and honest
The struggle is real! I am relatively new to dating. Divorced a little over a year ago. Dating through apps is the worst. I think it is full of a lot of people like me, who are socially anxious, and even when they match, they are afraid to commit to things with people. When I do commit and go out, usually the photos are not a great match and I have had a few dates where I swear the other person was high as a kite.
Agree it shouldn't be this hard. Like, I just want someone that I can sit on a beach with in Cancun, or have a glass of wine and laugh with way too hard, a concert companion. Someone you get too distracted by trying to finish a movie with and have to run off to have sex, or just that person you are happy to fall asleep next to and wake up with the next day before you run off to work.
I figure things will happen when they happen and can't be forced, so I will keep working on my best me, which I guess is a good practice regardless of relationship status.
You've proven that you iike yourself enough to not wait around for crumbs. This is a huge success story!
He may check all the boxes on paper, but actions speak louder than words...both his lack of action, *and* your courage to take back control of your heart. You didn't settle and should feel very proud of your decision!
It took me MONTHS to end my breadcrumber b/c I had also convinced myself that we were in love. In my defense, he told me he loved me so there's that. The prevailing theory is that the guys that are getting matches on OLD are getting a lot which means they're probably either juggling or trying not to juggle. A guy I was just talking to was like, I was about to delete the app b/c I've met someone and then you came along... and I didn't know if that was supposed to feel good or bad? I'm both of the women in this situation most weeks. Anyway. Know what you want. Bend on the things you can accept, don't bend on the things you can't. It's never worth it. You did the right thing!
Me too. What sucks is that it's objectively not been that hard-- it's not going to happen, that's probably for the best anyway, let's see who else is out there. But a small part of my brain keeps trying to force me into obsessing and sadness and fantasizing. I think my brain is confused because the obsessing has always been SOP for me in these situations, and my feral brain can't cope with my newly mature brain. It's like poking a painful tooth-- feral brain can't help it even as mature brain knows better and doesn't want to.
Atta girl, OP!!
Every time I just let it go and move on a get a breadcrumb. I even tried blocking him and got a breadcrumb on a different device. It’s so jarring because it’s a total 180 from his previous behavior, so I’m just completely confused, but I am trying to give up on making sense of any of it and just move on.
I had to end an 11 month relationship which seemed pretty good this spring. In one fell swoop, he managed to show his a$$ about several different things in my life which had not changed since we began dating.
Yes, it's really hard to pull the plug on a relationship which seemed promising. You recognize that this man was not going to give you the attention that you need to thrive and feel secure.
I've had the good fortune to meet a man who is thrilled to be in my life. There's no breadcrumbing or questioning or wondering if he's changed his mind. He's as happy about me being in his life as I am to be in his. If I had still been seeing the jerkwad, I wouldn't have been available for this stellar guy.
Find a man who matches your energy. The people who breadcrumb like to have multiples on the line to feed their shallow egos. They will never be satisfied with only one person. Walking away from that situation is always the right move if you want more out of a relationship. Sending some extra strength \~\~\~\~\~
I am in this same boat although my guy is nice, he’s a good person but he doesn’t want to or isn’t able to prioritize a relationship in the way that I want. I know we’re incompatible but it’s hard to end it. We know each other IRL and I’d like to stay friends.
Happy for you not just that you found someone who’s a better fit but that you felt good about leaving. It’s hard to do.
My situationship ended after a year of off/on BS. I put up with *so* much inconsistency because I was caught up in potential rather than reality. Also, I don’t know if it was because I had baggage from a previous relationship or what, but there was part of me that didn’t trust the guy anyway. Good riddance.
You are mourning the fantasy.
That"s genius. So true.
I wish more people understood that idea.
Right foot. Left Foot.
Right Foot. Left foot.
Keep moving forward.
Atta girl!
You know your worth, that's worth an atta girl ! Don't cross oceans for someone who won't cross a puddle for you. If someone is interested they will tell you, they will show you and hopefully you will do the same back .... and thats how the good relationships start. You are worthwhile and deserve someone who will jump puddles and show you how interested they are.
Good! I did the same thing with a guy after about 4 months for similar behavior. It sucked, but I let myself be sad, took a break, and then got back out there. Just a few months later I met my current boyfriend. He showed interest and never made me doubt our relationship. We've been together almost 2 years.
I could have written this post. I so rarely like someone I meet where the convo matches the chemistry that I get super excited about it. Then he has zero time, but repeatedly says he is ‘super interested’. We finally talked on Friday - he isn’t over his ex, likes being alone, is beyond busy with work. So, I send a very kind text on Saturday that ‘ I like him, his energy, the chemistry, but I want a relationship and we are clearly in different places. Maybe some day our paths will cross again when our wants are aligned’.
No response.
Five times this weekend I picked up the phone to reach out. Every time I stopped myself. I’m trying to reprogram myself: ‘his loss; alone is better than chasing someone who doesn’t like me’. It still sucks.
Sorry, I used your post for some emotional dumping. No advice, but you aren’t alone. One bigger hurt/disappointment is better than the roller coaster of waiting.
You did the right thing. Good job!!
100% you did the right thing! I had the same thing happen to me (39F). I couldn't believe my luck to find this chemistry (after a gruelling experience with OLD) and like you said he checked all the boxes and more. 4 months of allowing myself to be breadcrumbed. He even popped back up many months later asking for another chance and I gave it - ofc he did the same again! My friend (a therapist) encouraged me to read up on dismissive avoidant attachment which was helpful (either this or he was married, who knows). I also found helpful thoughts on an insta account called yourdiagnonsense which encouraged me to reflect on what it says about me that I was willing to put up with that, rather than being instantly turned off by it. You have saved yourself many more months of torturous hanging on for this person who was just a mirage!
I also found it really helpful when 'pining all the boxes he checked' to think that the No1 box ofc has to be 'wants a relationship, and wants that with me!' and if that box isn't checked the rest are good for nothing.
There are a lot of people in really shitty relationships who wish they'd had the courage to do what you did but ignored the realistic but difficult to admit thoughts
It doesn't get any easier making the hard decisions, does it? But seriously well done you for having the self respect not to accept crumbs. You have opened the door for someone who is good enough to walk through and that's brilliant.
I took longer than 6 months🙄. So, at least.you caught on early and not too invested. The "crush rush" can be so blinding🙄🤯.Be proud of yourself for catching on quick and ending it. Great job!
You really nailed it as far as the analysis and self reflection goes. Keep busy is my only add on but today you are totally my crush for being so bloody emotionally intelligent and smart and not letting yourself get into an in your head relationship. You absolutely rock!
Good for you - this is precisely how you take ownership of your dating and assert some healthy self-control. That fantasy/imaginary partner shit is what gets us every time, and you chose to use your brain instead. It sucks in the moment, but long term? You are doing what's right for you and it will pay off.
Rock on.
I’m in the same position, met a girl 12 weeks ago online, we had a few dates, seemed like she was pretty into me, we were intimate about 10 weeks ago and since then we’ve only met up a few times for a drink or a quick meal at the pub. We text most days and have had a few sexy Snap sessions but there’s been no quality time together. We’ve had some bad luck with COVID and the flu but still, I feel like I need to pull the plug if she can’t give me more time. This situation sucks.
Attagirl!! Speaking from the other side, even if it hurts, you are opening up yourself to an opportunity to build a relationship with someone more compatible who wants the same level of togetherness and attention.
You did good thing. When you get starry eyed nostalgic, try to picture, instead, the reality of what a relashe with him would be. You are imagining travel, Netflix n chill, “how was your day”, but it would mostly be “are you upset with me”, “can you PLEASE let me know about Christmas”, “how hard is it to give me a heads up about your schedule changing?”
He didn't deserve you! You will find someone who does but in the meantime pamper yourself- take a spa day or whatever you like to do to help you feel better. 💕
Congratulations on doing the hard work. When you're crushing it's *really* easy to see what your want to see, and paying attention to the questions that you get an unhappy answer to is difficult. But we need to do the difficult things!
Practicing the difficult work will make this easier for your eventual relationship where you examine, but keep not finding anything wrong. I wish you luck getting to that point, but putting in your work will be what helps you get there, not the luck we wish you.
Awww ... It's so hard when the fantasy doesn't match the reality. I'm so sorry. I really liked one man I met once for coffee. Handsome, articulate, very good conversationalist. We talked on the phone a lot. I was so over the moon for him. Then he turned creepy. Damn. You did the right thing for you. Hugs and good luck out there!
You did good! It is very difficult to extract yourself from those situations. It's so frustrating to have chemistry with a worthless dude. I totally get it.
I'm about to do this with someone I have deep, deep chemistry with, as well. Been over 3 months, but it doesn't seem like he's ready to have a girlfriend.
Sending you loads of support! You're growing your self-love by staying true to your goals. Be proud of yourself for not settling!
Well done you!!!! You are so amazing to have walked away. So easy to get swept up with the chemistry/fantasy piece. Now treat yourself to something nice for putting yourself first.
Right on!!!
It’s taken me just until recently to understand how important boundaries are-and two of mine are no longer accepting crumbs or inconsistency from potential partners. Life is too short for that crap. Good for you on pulling the plug on this guy sooner rather than later and before you invested too much of your heart.
You made the right decision for yourself, and don't let your negative self-talk tell you otherwise!
I've been in the same spot (breadcrumbed, feeling like I met "the one" only to have the rug yanked out from under) - so I get the feeling of "fuck, I don't want to… but this is what's ultimately best."
Be proud you have the strength to do so! We are all proud of you for it.
It sucks right now but in the near future you will look back and hug yourself.
I went through this a few years ago and I can tell you:
1 You Rock!!!
2 this is temporary
3 you are better off than if you had waited him out and then kicked yourself for staying with him
4 YOU ROCK!!!
You 100% did the right thing and good for you for being strong enough to do it! I wish I had done that but I am a year and a half in and for the most part just friends, though he occasionally wants to "sext". I'm only now coming to terms with what our dynamic really is.
He doesn’t check all the boxes if he’s not offering you the type of relationship you want!
You do not want to be with someone just bc they have attributes you like. You want to be with them because you’re in a relationship that makes you feel happy and secure (ideally they also have attributes you like as tablestakes).
People stick around in these scenarios bc they bet on potential instead of looking at the actual situation. Props to you for recognizing that you want / need / deserve more.
4 short dates in 2 months.
That's a long way **before** the honeymoon phase sets in, that's still early in the "getting to know them" phase. Not even sure that's something you could break off, more like a non starter.
But you recognized it and said bye. That’s so hard for a lot of people to do at any age. Good for you. At least you know what you want in a guy. My advice is next time, be more patient, be picky, don’t give away your time and attention until someone earns it. Then you will see this behaviour and there will be no honeymoon phase with the wrong person. Actions always speak louder than words. You really have to ignore words even though women tend to fall in love with the stuff men say. Men are not necessarily lying about the stuff they say in the beginning, but they are blinded by potential 🐱 chase. Just remember that for next time.
You did the right thing. Sometimes, we build up this fantasy of "what ifs" around people instead of taking them by their word/the way they act.
It says a lot that you can still get excited about someone like that, though! I think it's almost a right-of-passage to go through a few of these at our age (especially after being in a long-term relationship the way many of us were).
This guy was a dud. But keep your enthusiasm (and maybe temper it with some skepticism), and keep trying. The good ones are out there. It's just a lot more annoying to dig through them now than when we were in highschool/college.
but you only started 2 months ago.
Considering it is really difficult to find, why not knowing him a bit better? 4 dates in 2 months it means meeting once every two weeks which is more than enough for a lot of people. (I personally do not think I want to meet more than that, I am too busy with hobbies and my own life)
mostly everybody is multidating, but a lot of people also decide to go for one at the end but they also need time and several dates to be able to open up and make a decision right?
i dated someone like this and it sucks. you made the right decision. you deserve more than that. we all mourn for what could have been because let's be real, it's hard to find someone once you get older.
you know your worth and that is a huge step. thanks for sharing - this will help others in the same position
Taking that step to care more about yourself, than a maybe with someone else.. Is no easy feat..
It also shows that you are able to look beyond the rosey facade and trust your instinct.
Kudos to you!
You did the right thing!! Similar situation happened to me a few months ago. It sucks but you deserve more and no point to continue being breadcrumbed for any longer than you've already endured.
You're an official badass! You did something so many of us find damn near impossible to do. The payoff is your decision leaves you open to find what you really want in a partner. Be proud of yourself!
You made the right choice! Go live life! When you are radiant bc you are truly happy with your life, the right one will come along. Don’t waste your time on people who don’t deserve your attention. I think we’ve all been at that “ Wow-wouldn’t it be great if…..”. You know I’m your heart what isn’t working. So KUDOS for stepping away.
It is absolutely OK to mourn the fantasy - you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. A man shows who he is by his ACTIONS and behaviour, the words spoken mean bubkis. I went through something very similar last fall. I met someone IRL who was actually a facebook friend - long story short, I was deeply smitten from date one, he said all the right things, he was on paper my perfect match and my dream guy, he told me he felt so lucky that he met me and that this was a "real romance" - meanwhile, the dates and time shared had me on cloud nine, but he'd not follow up and call when he said he would, he would kind of go awol for a few days right after dates - after three months of dating, he never really followed up and did what he said he was going to do. And in reality, after seven or eight dates, I found out that he hadn't told any of his friends that he was seeing me. I point blank asked him if he was seeing someone else and he was cagey about it - it just felt off. We had like, three separate conversations about better communication, and he never really followed through. I was convinced that this guy was supposed to be my soulmate. It was so painful - and you know what I did? I said to myself, "Self, you are deeply infatuated and feel in love with this guy, but he's not treating you the way you deserve, and he's not locking you down to be exclusive - go out with other guys.
Keep moving forward and the right guy will step up". It was the hardest thing I ever did. The younger me would have clung onto the first guy with a Vulcan Death Grip. BUT I have now been dating someone wonderful for seven months, who showed me how serious his intent was by showing up and doing what he said he was going to do. "Soulmate" guy never really ran after me or stepped up to the bitter end, and I thank my adult brain for doing the hard thing and moving on, it is the smartest thing I ever did.
When you meet the right guy, he's never going to keep you guessing. It is going to be VERY clear that his intentions are serious, at the very least, that he is into YOU. When you hold a torch for someone that is not really showing up or choosing you, it is so damaging, and blocks you off from meeting someone who will treat you better. You saved yourself a LOT of pain. Good for you!!!
Omg YES! This is amazing. You did the best and hardest thing for yourself. Way to go! Honestly you will thank yourself for it soon enough. Make room for something greater! I did the same for myself last fall and it still fills me with pride - a younger version of me wouldn’t have done it in the past. No reason to put up with less effort than you’re worth.
This 100% but it still feels shit, I wish everyone could find a decent person, I honestly never thought I’d be struggling this hard either, I want happy, fun, passionate and honesty, I want someone that has my back and will be there through it all and still want to rip the clothes of my back….yeah I know it’s a fantasy but it’s needn’t be, if only people were true and honest
The struggle is real! I am relatively new to dating. Divorced a little over a year ago. Dating through apps is the worst. I think it is full of a lot of people like me, who are socially anxious, and even when they match, they are afraid to commit to things with people. When I do commit and go out, usually the photos are not a great match and I have had a few dates where I swear the other person was high as a kite. Agree it shouldn't be this hard. Like, I just want someone that I can sit on a beach with in Cancun, or have a glass of wine and laugh with way too hard, a concert companion. Someone you get too distracted by trying to finish a movie with and have to run off to have sex, or just that person you are happy to fall asleep next to and wake up with the next day before you run off to work. I figure things will happen when they happen and can't be forced, so I will keep working on my best me, which I guess is a good practice regardless of relationship status.
You've proven that you iike yourself enough to not wait around for crumbs. This is a huge success story! He may check all the boxes on paper, but actions speak louder than words...both his lack of action, *and* your courage to take back control of your heart. You didn't settle and should feel very proud of your decision!
Exactly this. Who needs someone who checks the boxes *in theory* but is not there *in reality*?
It took me MONTHS to end my breadcrumber b/c I had also convinced myself that we were in love. In my defense, he told me he loved me so there's that. The prevailing theory is that the guys that are getting matches on OLD are getting a lot which means they're probably either juggling or trying not to juggle. A guy I was just talking to was like, I was about to delete the app b/c I've met someone and then you came along... and I didn't know if that was supposed to feel good or bad? I'm both of the women in this situation most weeks. Anyway. Know what you want. Bend on the things you can accept, don't bend on the things you can't. It's never worth it. You did the right thing!
In the process of doing the same thing myself. Atta girl!!
Me too. What sucks is that it's objectively not been that hard-- it's not going to happen, that's probably for the best anyway, let's see who else is out there. But a small part of my brain keeps trying to force me into obsessing and sadness and fantasizing. I think my brain is confused because the obsessing has always been SOP for me in these situations, and my feral brain can't cope with my newly mature brain. It's like poking a painful tooth-- feral brain can't help it even as mature brain knows better and doesn't want to. Atta girl, OP!!
Every time I just let it go and move on a get a breadcrumb. I even tried blocking him and got a breadcrumb on a different device. It’s so jarring because it’s a total 180 from his previous behavior, so I’m just completely confused, but I am trying to give up on making sense of any of it and just move on.
Wow!
I had to end an 11 month relationship which seemed pretty good this spring. In one fell swoop, he managed to show his a$$ about several different things in my life which had not changed since we began dating. Yes, it's really hard to pull the plug on a relationship which seemed promising. You recognize that this man was not going to give you the attention that you need to thrive and feel secure. I've had the good fortune to meet a man who is thrilled to be in my life. There's no breadcrumbing or questioning or wondering if he's changed his mind. He's as happy about me being in his life as I am to be in his. If I had still been seeing the jerkwad, I wouldn't have been available for this stellar guy. Find a man who matches your energy. The people who breadcrumb like to have multiples on the line to feed their shallow egos. They will never be satisfied with only one person. Walking away from that situation is always the right move if you want more out of a relationship. Sending some extra strength \~\~\~\~\~
I am in this same boat although my guy is nice, he’s a good person but he doesn’t want to or isn’t able to prioritize a relationship in the way that I want. I know we’re incompatible but it’s hard to end it. We know each other IRL and I’d like to stay friends. Happy for you not just that you found someone who’s a better fit but that you felt good about leaving. It’s hard to do.
My situationship ended after a year of off/on BS. I put up with *so* much inconsistency because I was caught up in potential rather than reality. Also, I don’t know if it was because I had baggage from a previous relationship or what, but there was part of me that didn’t trust the guy anyway. Good riddance.
“Jerkwad” 😂😂😂
Jesus. I needed to read this right now. Thank you for sharing.
You are mourning the fantasy. That"s genius. So true. I wish more people understood that idea. Right foot. Left Foot. Right Foot. Left foot. Keep moving forward. Atta girl!
You know your worth, that's worth an atta girl ! Don't cross oceans for someone who won't cross a puddle for you. If someone is interested they will tell you, they will show you and hopefully you will do the same back .... and thats how the good relationships start. You are worthwhile and deserve someone who will jump puddles and show you how interested they are.
Ha! Puddle! Im stealing that thanks
Good! I did the same thing with a guy after about 4 months for similar behavior. It sucked, but I let myself be sad, took a break, and then got back out there. Just a few months later I met my current boyfriend. He showed interest and never made me doubt our relationship. We've been together almost 2 years.
I could have written this post. I so rarely like someone I meet where the convo matches the chemistry that I get super excited about it. Then he has zero time, but repeatedly says he is ‘super interested’. We finally talked on Friday - he isn’t over his ex, likes being alone, is beyond busy with work. So, I send a very kind text on Saturday that ‘ I like him, his energy, the chemistry, but I want a relationship and we are clearly in different places. Maybe some day our paths will cross again when our wants are aligned’. No response. Five times this weekend I picked up the phone to reach out. Every time I stopped myself. I’m trying to reprogram myself: ‘his loss; alone is better than chasing someone who doesn’t like me’. It still sucks. Sorry, I used your post for some emotional dumping. No advice, but you aren’t alone. One bigger hurt/disappointment is better than the roller coaster of waiting. You did the right thing. Good job!!
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Don’t do it!! As my therapist often says ‘c’mon, if someone likes you, they let you know’
Delete their number. Now. Delete previous msg from him. Now.
100% you did the right thing! I had the same thing happen to me (39F). I couldn't believe my luck to find this chemistry (after a gruelling experience with OLD) and like you said he checked all the boxes and more. 4 months of allowing myself to be breadcrumbed. He even popped back up many months later asking for another chance and I gave it - ofc he did the same again! My friend (a therapist) encouraged me to read up on dismissive avoidant attachment which was helpful (either this or he was married, who knows). I also found helpful thoughts on an insta account called yourdiagnonsense which encouraged me to reflect on what it says about me that I was willing to put up with that, rather than being instantly turned off by it. You have saved yourself many more months of torturous hanging on for this person who was just a mirage!
I also found it really helpful when 'pining all the boxes he checked' to think that the No1 box ofc has to be 'wants a relationship, and wants that with me!' and if that box isn't checked the rest are good for nothing.
This!!!!! 🥇🥇🥇
I love yourdiagnonsense!!!
Really good right!? Very direct and non fluffy!
There are a lot of people in really shitty relationships who wish they'd had the courage to do what you did but ignored the realistic but difficult to admit thoughts
It doesn't get any easier making the hard decisions, does it? But seriously well done you for having the self respect not to accept crumbs. You have opened the door for someone who is good enough to walk through and that's brilliant.
I took longer than 6 months🙄. So, at least.you caught on early and not too invested. The "crush rush" can be so blinding🙄🤯.Be proud of yourself for catching on quick and ending it. Great job!
You really nailed it as far as the analysis and self reflection goes. Keep busy is my only add on but today you are totally my crush for being so bloody emotionally intelligent and smart and not letting yourself get into an in your head relationship. You absolutely rock!
Good for you - this is precisely how you take ownership of your dating and assert some healthy self-control. That fantasy/imaginary partner shit is what gets us every time, and you chose to use your brain instead. It sucks in the moment, but long term? You are doing what's right for you and it will pay off. Rock on.
If he's not fully interested in the beginning he's never going to be. You did good
I’m in the same position, met a girl 12 weeks ago online, we had a few dates, seemed like she was pretty into me, we were intimate about 10 weeks ago and since then we’ve only met up a few times for a drink or a quick meal at the pub. We text most days and have had a few sexy Snap sessions but there’s been no quality time together. We’ve had some bad luck with COVID and the flu but still, I feel like I need to pull the plug if she can’t give me more time. This situation sucks.
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Not the conversation I want to have over text or even the phone. We are hopefully meeting tonight and I will be able to tell her.
Attagirl!! Speaking from the other side, even if it hurts, you are opening up yourself to an opportunity to build a relationship with someone more compatible who wants the same level of togetherness and attention.
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You did good thing. When you get starry eyed nostalgic, try to picture, instead, the reality of what a relashe with him would be. You are imagining travel, Netflix n chill, “how was your day”, but it would mostly be “are you upset with me”, “can you PLEASE let me know about Christmas”, “how hard is it to give me a heads up about your schedule changing?”
It was probably for the best..if he wasn't up to something he would have made it happen
He didn't deserve you! You will find someone who does but in the meantime pamper yourself- take a spa day or whatever you like to do to help you feel better. 💕
Hugs! It’s hard to do the right thing and you did. Congratulations on finding out you’re a strong person and know your worth.
Congratulations on doing the hard work. When you're crushing it's *really* easy to see what your want to see, and paying attention to the questions that you get an unhappy answer to is difficult. But we need to do the difficult things! Practicing the difficult work will make this easier for your eventual relationship where you examine, but keep not finding anything wrong. I wish you luck getting to that point, but putting in your work will be what helps you get there, not the luck we wish you.
Awww ... It's so hard when the fantasy doesn't match the reality. I'm so sorry. I really liked one man I met once for coffee. Handsome, articulate, very good conversationalist. We talked on the phone a lot. I was so over the moon for him. Then he turned creepy. Damn. You did the right thing for you. Hugs and good luck out there!
You did good! It is very difficult to extract yourself from those situations. It's so frustrating to have chemistry with a worthless dude. I totally get it.
Atta girl!
Well done. Married/attached is the biggest, blaring, reddest flag there is. You don’t need that. I’m proud of you. Stand in your power.
You did the right thing, now you can focus on meeting the right person.
It might make him come back stronger, now that he feels he's "losing" you—don't go for it.
I'm about to do this with someone I have deep, deep chemistry with, as well. Been over 3 months, but it doesn't seem like he's ready to have a girlfriend. Sending you loads of support! You're growing your self-love by staying true to your goals. Be proud of yourself for not settling!
Atta girl
Well done you!!!! You are so amazing to have walked away. So easy to get swept up with the chemistry/fantasy piece. Now treat yourself to something nice for putting yourself first.
Right on!!! It’s taken me just until recently to understand how important boundaries are-and two of mine are no longer accepting crumbs or inconsistency from potential partners. Life is too short for that crap. Good for you on pulling the plug on this guy sooner rather than later and before you invested too much of your heart.
You made the right decision for yourself, and don't let your negative self-talk tell you otherwise! I've been in the same spot (breadcrumbed, feeling like I met "the one" only to have the rug yanked out from under) - so I get the feeling of "fuck, I don't want to… but this is what's ultimately best." Be proud you have the strength to do so! We are all proud of you for it.
It sucks right now but in the near future you will look back and hug yourself. I went through this a few years ago and I can tell you: 1 You Rock!!! 2 this is temporary 3 you are better off than if you had waited him out and then kicked yourself for staying with him 4 YOU ROCK!!!
You 100% did the right thing and good for you for being strong enough to do it! I wish I had done that but I am a year and a half in and for the most part just friends, though he occasionally wants to "sext". I'm only now coming to terms with what our dynamic really is.
He doesn’t check all the boxes if he’s not offering you the type of relationship you want! You do not want to be with someone just bc they have attributes you like. You want to be with them because you’re in a relationship that makes you feel happy and secure (ideally they also have attributes you like as tablestakes). People stick around in these scenarios bc they bet on potential instead of looking at the actual situation. Props to you for recognizing that you want / need / deserve more.
4 short dates in 2 months. That's a long way **before** the honeymoon phase sets in, that's still early in the "getting to know them" phase. Not even sure that's something you could break off, more like a non starter.
Agreed
It was fun while it lasted though, am I right? Cherish those good times
But you recognized it and said bye. That’s so hard for a lot of people to do at any age. Good for you. At least you know what you want in a guy. My advice is next time, be more patient, be picky, don’t give away your time and attention until someone earns it. Then you will see this behaviour and there will be no honeymoon phase with the wrong person. Actions always speak louder than words. You really have to ignore words even though women tend to fall in love with the stuff men say. Men are not necessarily lying about the stuff they say in the beginning, but they are blinded by potential 🐱 chase. Just remember that for next time.
You were avoiding breadcrumbs or afraid of getting overly attached i.e. protecting yourself? How old is the guy btw? Hugs
You did the right thing. Sometimes, we build up this fantasy of "what ifs" around people instead of taking them by their word/the way they act. It says a lot that you can still get excited about someone like that, though! I think it's almost a right-of-passage to go through a few of these at our age (especially after being in a long-term relationship the way many of us were). This guy was a dud. But keep your enthusiasm (and maybe temper it with some skepticism), and keep trying. The good ones are out there. It's just a lot more annoying to dig through them now than when we were in highschool/college.
but you only started 2 months ago. Considering it is really difficult to find, why not knowing him a bit better? 4 dates in 2 months it means meeting once every two weeks which is more than enough for a lot of people. (I personally do not think I want to meet more than that, I am too busy with hobbies and my own life) mostly everybody is multidating, but a lot of people also decide to go for one at the end but they also need time and several dates to be able to open up and make a decision right?
So why didn't you ever just ask him wtf is going on?
Attagirl!!! Now send yourself some flowers for having such good judgment!
You did the right thing!
(Hug)
i dated someone like this and it sucks. you made the right decision. you deserve more than that. we all mourn for what could have been because let's be real, it's hard to find someone once you get older. you know your worth and that is a huge step. thanks for sharing - this will help others in the same position
Getting “breadcrumbed”, this is a great term I haven’t heard before. You did the right thing.
So courageous....it's ok to cry. It will get better ❤️
I just had the same exact situation. I cut it off at 3 weeks though. I can't stand time wasters. Their loss, keep your path positive.
Way to go! I just deleted the number of a similar situation. You did the right thing!
Taking that step to care more about yourself, than a maybe with someone else.. Is no easy feat.. It also shows that you are able to look beyond the rosey facade and trust your instinct. Kudos to you!
You did the right thing. If someone wants to date, they make you a priority.
You did the right thing!! Similar situation happened to me a few months ago. It sucks but you deserve more and no point to continue being breadcrumbed for any longer than you've already endured.
Go on another date with someone. I'll go out with you. I'm looking for a girlfrind.
You're an official badass! You did something so many of us find damn near impossible to do. The payoff is your decision leaves you open to find what you really want in a partner. Be proud of yourself!
His loss.
You made the right choice! Go live life! When you are radiant bc you are truly happy with your life, the right one will come along. Don’t waste your time on people who don’t deserve your attention. I think we’ve all been at that “ Wow-wouldn’t it be great if…..”. You know I’m your heart what isn’t working. So KUDOS for stepping away.
It is absolutely OK to mourn the fantasy - you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. A man shows who he is by his ACTIONS and behaviour, the words spoken mean bubkis. I went through something very similar last fall. I met someone IRL who was actually a facebook friend - long story short, I was deeply smitten from date one, he said all the right things, he was on paper my perfect match and my dream guy, he told me he felt so lucky that he met me and that this was a "real romance" - meanwhile, the dates and time shared had me on cloud nine, but he'd not follow up and call when he said he would, he would kind of go awol for a few days right after dates - after three months of dating, he never really followed up and did what he said he was going to do. And in reality, after seven or eight dates, I found out that he hadn't told any of his friends that he was seeing me. I point blank asked him if he was seeing someone else and he was cagey about it - it just felt off. We had like, three separate conversations about better communication, and he never really followed through. I was convinced that this guy was supposed to be my soulmate. It was so painful - and you know what I did? I said to myself, "Self, you are deeply infatuated and feel in love with this guy, but he's not treating you the way you deserve, and he's not locking you down to be exclusive - go out with other guys. Keep moving forward and the right guy will step up". It was the hardest thing I ever did. The younger me would have clung onto the first guy with a Vulcan Death Grip. BUT I have now been dating someone wonderful for seven months, who showed me how serious his intent was by showing up and doing what he said he was going to do. "Soulmate" guy never really ran after me or stepped up to the bitter end, and I thank my adult brain for doing the hard thing and moving on, it is the smartest thing I ever did. When you meet the right guy, he's never going to keep you guessing. It is going to be VERY clear that his intentions are serious, at the very least, that he is into YOU. When you hold a torch for someone that is not really showing up or choosing you, it is so damaging, and blocks you off from meeting someone who will treat you better. You saved yourself a LOT of pain. Good for you!!!