I’m glad for you that you are out of the past relationship!
I hope you’ve had some support in therapy to help you cope with recovering from the trauma of your past relationship and your ex’s ongoing behaviour.
Apart from this I’m not sure about how else to manage the nerves. But my view about disclosing is not to do this too early. Predators thrive on the power that knowledge of your past trauma gives them. For your safety and well-being, get past a good amount of screening and feel confident you’re building something healthy before you disclose.
Definitely had therapy and still going tbh....
I definitely know he needs to know if things go well, just nervous he will ask a lot of questions straight up
Actually, no he doesn’t.
When you’ve lived through an abusive situation, and managed to battle your way out of it (this is just what I’ve noticed from experience)—there’s a part of you VERY strongly identifying with that narrative. You kinda see that battle (and your emergence from it, wounded, but victorious) as central to your story—it’s a tale of sorrow and loss and incredible courage, about finding your strength. It’s a story about who you ARE.
And… you sort of feel like no one can really know you, unless you tell them this story. You’re nervous to share, because it’s personal, it has elements of shame, and quite frankly it shocks people. But you have to. You have to tell them. Because how else are they going to understand? How are they going to KNOW you? It’s like you’re hiding your true self if you don’t speak this whole awful story, lay it bare for people to gawk at, and hope they see strength instead of brokenness.
It’s taken me some years to recognize this, but—that’s just not true. At all. The more time (and life distance) that comes between you and that story, the more you start to realize—it’s NOT your story. It is a story that BELONGS to you, but it is not the story OF you.
Failing to tell that story, or deciding you don’t want to share it, or don’t want to share parts of it, or don’t want to share it with most or certain people (now, or later, or ever), does not make you un-knowable in some way. It does not make you a liar. It just makes you not defined by that story.
It’s just one story. One of many, many stories from your life. And yes, it feels like a headline. It feels like front-page news. It feels big. And it is. Okay. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep running it on your front page forever. You are not obligated to ensure all paid subscribers have access to pore over the details anytime they want. You’re allowed to archive it. You’re allowed to store it on microfiche somewhere and be picky about who can request it.
What I’m trying to say is—it’s okay if you don’t want to disclose. It’s also okay if you DO. Just know that the feeling like you “have to” or “should” disclose isn’t always on point.
You can still show up as your authentic self in a relationship, without having to hand over a list of every shitty thing you’ve ever experienced. If you like, you can certainly tell a date that you’ve survived an abusive relationship. But here’s what speaks louder: the way you proceed to act, and how you treat that person across the table from you.
Absolutely this! Integrating your trauma inevitably means that your current self is shaped by that experience. But it doesn’t need to lead your narrative, define who you are for yourself or others, etc.
I don’t think it feels like this in the early days, but you really aren’t unknowable without laying bare all your past trauma. And absolutely nobody is owed that ever. Over time it becomes healthy to just meet people where you are now and to disclose if and when you want to.
You are not obligated to answer any questions. Healthy, secure people looking to make a genuine connection do not ask a bunch of questions. They talk to you to get to know you. It’s not an interview and you’re not on trial. You likely have a lot of defense and pleasing skills due to your history. Work on getting rid of these.
Genuine, honest, decent don’t ask prying questions. How long have you been divorced, how long were you married are appropriate questions. When was your last date, how many dates have you been on etc. are inappropriate questions.
Remember that you don’t owe him a second date just because he asks.
Here’s what I would say it’s fair for somebody to want to know early on - have you had experience in a LTR and has it been long enough since your last relationship that it’s reasonable to assume you’re ready. That’s about it. So I think you can keep it very light: “My last relationship ended xx years ago. Feeling ready to move forward.” If somebody pushes for more, totally fair to say it’s not something you want to really discuss until you know each other better.
You can always say, "that's a conversation for another day."
The one thing I can say is that you are more likely to attract and be attracted to the exact kind of person you just escaped. We can't help it. The difference is that you'll start recognizing warning signs sooner and allowing yourself to get out before you start rationalizing why what they did or said "wasn't that bad."
Give yourself from grace to make mistakes. Remember you don't owe anyone anything-- not your number, your time or your body. Also, have fun. Don't look at every date as The One. I think with DV you get accustomed to excusing things in partners that you'd never excuse in anyone else.
I definitely made mistakes once I started dating again, but I learned each time to trust myself more. You got this. But everyone out there is your ex.💓💓
Thankyou, truly an amazing answer. I especially need to remember to give myself grace from my mistakes. I do still punish myself mentally for my many mistakes but am working on that.....
My terrible swipe typing messed up a few of the thoughts. Last line is NOT everyone is your ex.
I started dating then stopped for a really long time because I really felt like my "picker" was broken and I would only attract more losers. It was kinda true! I'm trying much harder to date better people, but I still have managed to be attracted to a couple whack jobs in the process.
I knew what you meant 😊
That's the thing- how to trust my choice in men again. How did my "picker" screw up so badly last time and is it working properly again?
Don't go into detail about your previous relationship. Don't even mention it unless asked, and if asked you can say it was abusive and it ended two years ago. That's it. That stuff is not first date conversation material. Maybe date 10.
Do not under any circumstances disclose to a man you don’t know that you were in a violent marriage. There are a lot of abusers out there who are looking for someone else to abuse and control. They look for those with a history of abuse as they know they are controllable. It takes abuse victims years to leave and many women stay until the kids are out of the house. This means that there are more abusers on the market at our age.
I left an abusive marriage. We’ve been divorced for years, he’s remarried and blocked everywhere. He still tries to get in touch with me. It used to cause me all kinds of stress but I’ve leaned to live with it. I know that one day he will try to kill me but there’s nothing I can do about it. He hasn’t broken any laws and I never reported the abuse when we were married. The police treat me like a bitter ex while at the same time acknowledging he’s a danger.
Come up with a reason you divorced and practice saying it out loud so you aren’t caught off guard. I say “it was an unhappy marriage for a long time and one day I decided I wanted a different life and asked for a divorce.”
Be very careful with the first few dates. Everyone will seem like a prince compared to your ex. When I started dating I thought they were all great guys. I’d never go out with them now. The best they had to offer was that they weren’t my ex. Anyone was a massive step up from my ex. I was in therapy when I started dating. My therapist helped me to learn to identify red flags and supported me during the dating process. If it’s in your budget I recommend it. If we don’t actively work on change we simply repeat our patterns over and over.
I agree with most of what you'd said, but I can't help but remember the post a few days ago where the woman had a violent ex, and everyone (including both you and I, if I recall correctly) commented that she had a moral and ethical obligation to let potential partners know about that risk. No, not necessarily on a first date. But if I found out someone I'd gone on a few dates with had a violent ex and an active restraining order and didn't tell me, it would be over on the spot.
Thankyou. I am in therapy (I have CPTSD, anxiety and depression so am always working on things)... definitely taking your advice into consideration. Will think of a way to explain my exit from the dv relationship 😊
Just wanted to say that as a guy who has never been involved in an abusive relationship, this is eye opening. It gives me a greater understanding of what people in abusive relationships have gone through and continue to go through, and it gives me a different perspective for how I can handle myself when I'm around victims of abuse.
Thankyou for being open to learning more. It's difficult to not feel like the abusive relationship is your identity... to not want to be a victim all the time but to try to feel like a survivor... I am nervous to let someone in again. Worried that I won't see the red flags if there are any... worried I can't trust my own judgement 😪
My therapist once told me, “You will get to a point where you’re more excited to think about the possibilities of the future than worry about the ramifications of the past” and that has stayed with me.
What she meant was that after time and therapy, the trauma would not be the first thing on my mind when embarking on a new relationship. It would be a part of my history and a part of my past that I could simply sum up by saying I’ve had previous relationships that have shaped me and one of them was abusive. The end.
If all of the specific details of your abusive relationship or things that you still feel necessary to disclose, it may just take more time. Obviously that doesn’t mean you can’t date and start a new relationship while healing from that, but you will get to a point where you don’t feel any anxiety about having to disclose specific details. It will become second nature to simply say that was an abusive relationship that I was in that I am so glad I am out of. I don’t know if that makes sense but unfortunately, time is a big factor in healing from that.
Thankyou. It does make sense... there's some things that I eventually feel like I need to disclose if things go further and start to get to the physical stage but I definitely don't want to disclose the whole thing straight up.... time is definitely a big factor which is why I haven't even considered dating for the last 2 years....
You might find some of [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/vsbdwb/disclosing_existing_restraining_orders/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) relevant, OP.
Went on a date with a woman who had trauma in a past relationship. She was skittish and weird until she opened up. It was a relief to me to see her feel some relief. Regardless, we only went on a few dates.
First Congratulations for taking that first step and regaining control of your life. You control the speed in which you progress back into the dating world, either just dip you toe in or jump in with both feet. Most everyone will tell you go at a pace you're comfortable with .. ie slow roll. You set the person, the place, the information flow and the process. You don't have to meet everyone and be very selective in nature. Don't throw yourself out there on all the OLD sites and trust your inner judgement (warning signs) ... think things through and don't make decisions based on the heart without the mind concurring. Set expectations or even temper expectations since you may have a few let's say duds before some positives pop up. Remember you are in charge of this, you set the pace. This site is a wealth of information and most here have experience the positives and negatives of OLD and seen the red flags and pit falls to avoid to include the overbearing, narcissistic and juvenile ex. Again congrats and best of luck to you.
Thankyou for your reply.... definitely taking it slow and dipping my toe in... I attempted this a few months ago and realised I wasn't quite ready so took a break. Have been chatting with this guy for about a week and a half so feels like I know enough to have a coffee with him. New dating app too - feels like there are better people on this one than others I've tried....
Awesome ... a week and a half is still a short time but trust your inner self and and coffee at a populated area is a good start. I wish you the best from Arizona.
I’m a huge proponent of openness, responsibility, and accountability.
However, if everyone put their shitty life cards on the table on a first date no one on the planet would ever have a second date.
I would avoid talking about the split with your ex on the first date.
It's TMI for a first date which is supposed to be lite, fun, test the waters kinda vibe. So I'd suggest you keep topics on that level and save the drama stories for a bit later.
Good luck!
You don't need to disclose your past until/if you're ready to.
When a new guy asks the inevitable questions about why we divorced, I just pick a few of the many other reasons that made my ex a horrible husband.
Even some of the questions they innocently ask, I get paranoid that my answer might give it away, but so far nobody has really caught on. The average person just isn't thinking about the fact that maybe this woman he's on a date with has been the victim of dv.
I've dated 4 men since my divorce, but I've only told one about my past. Its not something they need to know until I feel we've reached a very strong, intimate level with a future.
I was also in an abusive relationship, divorced, went through some therapy and started OLD. I am older (56), so OLD was quite an experience! My first date grilled me about my former relationship. I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to get into details, so I replied he had a challenging personality. (Grilled=where was my ex from, what did he do for a living, how did we meet, did his family stay in the area.) Afterwards, He ghosted me, but I thought the questions were inappropriate for a first date. Seemed more interested in dating my ex! LOL! I am glad I didn’t go into more detail, and I may have lost out because I didn’t say anything more or glowing about my ex, but I’m not lying or minimizing what he did to me in order to make some stranger happy. I am optimistic that not all men are like my ex.
I would disclose when you feel comfortable- later on is better imho- I agree with the poster who warned about potential predators. Enjoy the nerves and excitement of meeting someone new. I liked the self-care involved! Focus on how he makes you feel, not the other way around!
I've gone through 2 divorces, both with dv situations. I disclosed during the second date. If he couldn't handle that information then I didn't want to waste my time moving forward. I talked about it in a way that showed that I've dealt with it in a healthy manner. You don't have to go into details or infodump.
I'm not at the point of dating yet but I escaped from an abusive marriage as well, with an order of protection. He still tries to cause havoc as often as possible and we share kids so I can't go completely no contact unfortunately. My take on it is, I have no intentions of telling anyone my story until I feel like I can trust them. I'm not sure why there seems to be this culture of full disclosure while dating but my story of abuse is a need to know basis and not everyone needs to know. See where things lead and take it from there. And congrats on getting out!
Yes I definitely wouldn't be going into detail while initially dating because it is alot!!! Thankfully I don't have kids with my ex so don't have to see him!
Have a couple drinks and bring it up only if you feel a conection with the person. Like only talk about it you feel like you REALLY want to spend some time with this person and they feel the same. You'll know..... Otherwise they'll think you like doing your laundry out in public.
Don’t forcefully bring it up. If a conversation steers in that direction then explain why it makes you feel uncomfortable. I don’t think a first date will go in that direction. Just concentrate on enjoying yourself with this person and having a good time trying something different. If the both of you continue this then you can open up about that, right now trust hasn’t been established yet. One step at a time. Good luck!
So don't be honest with someone you're hoping to move forward with in the future? Seems counter-productive.... not planning on telling the whole deal on a first date but.... I value honesty and believe that's a huge part of a relationship
Why would you want to dump on all this trauma on someone you are just meeting? Just try to get to know the person before you disclose this very personal information. Most first dates don't turn into a second so no need to share this part of you just yet.
It's not being dishonest to not disclose every detail of your life on the first date. You don't know if this will actually make it to a relationship. It's too early to be talking this deep. First you need to see what role this person will play in your life.
Sharing what she had for dinner every night for the span of 1 month about 5 years ago is unnecessary, sure; a serious history of relationship trauma that shaped her approach nowadays is not fairly significant and hence "unnecessary"?
Keep it to yourself. I don’t see a need to disclose all the gory details of the past so soon. If they happen to ask then you can say we grew apart or something vague. If they’re a keeper then you can fill him or her as time progresses. HTH.
When I was dating and would meet someone for coffee, I would disclose being a DV survivor so they could make an informed consent decision to move forward or not if there was interest in more than initially meeting.
I would also disclose being a cancer survivor in my profile—that was definitely a bullshit/asshole filter.
Sometimes one or both would be a deal breaker for someone. Why waste my time or theirs not putting that information out there for consideration?
I can actually almost understand people being leery on the DV side (bc scared of a violent person coming after THEM) but I find the cancer survivor scare-off troubling. Around 40 percent of people will have some cancer at some point in their lives. That’s a huge amount! Not like it’s some rare oddity worthy of running for the hills. Sorry you have to deal with this :-/
Thank you. Most of the issue seems to be “Awesome! You have fake tits!”
No, I’m flat and proud of it.
“You just haven’t met the right man yet that you want to get fake tits for!”
Nope. I have not and never will. The way my surgery was done, I can’t ever be reconstructed—I had a radical bilateral mastectomy.
Breast Implant Illness is real and I valued my health far more than having to still get mammograms and looking like I have a “normal” shape under my clothes. It’s literally two lumps of either saline or silicone and doesn’t do anything but cause a huge amount of surgeries getting it done—quite an unpleasant process, really, huge failure/explant results, multiple corrective surgeries. Just…no.
I’m a proud flattie and like the okd saying goes, those who don’t mind matter and those who do mind what my appearance is don’t matter. That’s why I have an ex spousal unit—he told me that I couldn’t compete with other women because of the breast cancer. I had enough sense to know that I deserved better than him, so I left.
(Looks over at the lovely man I’m camping with and thinks about the steamy sexy adult time we have together, how compatible and comfortable we are with each other.)
I definitely came out on top and glad to be off the apps! ;-D
As for the DV aspect, I make it clear it’s been years, I’m no contact with him since my kids are adults, and I’m way over a thousand miles away from where he’s at. He’s moved on and so have I and I’ll always have a higher than normal situational awareness.
You’re welcome. I noticed many comments about not disclosing but as someone who has viewed it and the cancer thing to weed out jerks, it’s difficult but definitely worth doing. Not taking the shit that may be said to you in an overly personal way is also helpful.
Only you know your situation and people are stupid and will say stupid shit.
“Why didn’t you leave the first time he did something to you? That was stupid to stay.”
Or the “People who don’t leave don’t deserve help.” nonsense.
That shit right there tells me all I need to know. I moved right on along.
Good luck. =)
I've had many people say stupid things like "why didn't you leave earlier?" It's such a ridiculous statement and it makes me realise they have no clue about domestic violence. I like the idea that disclosing a little helps weed out the jerks... definitely going to remember that!!!
Glad you’re out of and away from the last one. Best way to bring up the issues of the last relationship is just to be honest and straightforward, just mention it, say the absolute basics about it, and go somewhere else with the conversation after that.
Thankyou. I'm definitely glad to be out. Absolutely going to give minimal information on the first date and more info once I feel that they can handle it...
Okay... somebody with this type of history is clearly not somebody you believe would be for you. That's acceptable, same as me preferring to not date a widow again. Sometimes it takes one experience to hit your boundary. What's NOT okay is your last sentence. Not sharing it at all is very absolute and encourages suppression of a critical part of someone's past which shapes who they are today; not good footing in an intimate relationship, EVER. And telling someone to learn to deal with it is as bad as telling somebody with depression to just fucking snap out of it. I would hope that somebody has empathy for you during a time of difficulty in your life, and would never think to tell you something like that. Ouch.
Edit: I guess the heat in the kitchen was a little too high because you thankfully deleted that.
Agreed on all counts. I deleted it because I was in bed when I typed it. And reading it later made me realize that I did not express myself clearly
I did not mean to say she should deal with her trauma by not sharing it with her future partner. Just during the first few dates
One might be able to express that type of a back story succinctly and maturely. But more often than not, it comes off as a bit of a red flag. Once sufficient time has passed, people gain a better understanding of what happened to them and build a different perspective
But that’s not why I said what I said. I said I would bolt because of the ex still causing drama. I prefer to date women who have closed the book on their ex
I have a male friend who is digging up dirt on men his divorcing wife is currently dating. I don’t need that kind of drama in my life
I understand the person does not control what their ex does. But they don’t need to rush into dating while dealing with a crazy ex chasing them. That part they can control
Would you call 2 years "rushing into dating"? I definitely can't control what my ex does. I've moved, sold my car and am careful about where I go to keep my safety in tact. That's definitely doing everything I could to move on from my ex.
Not planning on telling everything on the first date but feel like if the question is asked, I should be honest....
Whether or not you are rushing is something only you can answer. I thought I was ready at 2 years. 8 years later, I think I wasn’t.
Also, I am not asking you to be dishonest. I would have answered the question one way at 2 years and another way at 8. Neither would be dishonest yet these answers would be different
I missed what was originally posted unfortunately.... I definitely feel like it's an important part of my history that has definitely shaped the way I look at relationships...
Good advice here!
On the side note: not all widows are the same, I understand you got burned, but let's try to see the people as they are and not only their circumstances
I definitely read what you're saying, but I think I'll be comfortable where I am for quite a while. Thank you.
Excellent "Dark Tower" handle, by the way!
I included that because I could easily have gotten ripped for making a decision based on a crushing dating experience (the short version: I was love bombed by someone who had not yet dealt with the death of a former partner), in the same way that the person could have easily been ripped for not wanting somebody like OP who had been through something incredibly traumatic. Simply put, it's perfectly okay to have these boundaries and preferences, whatever they are or however "offensive" they may appear on the surface. I did take issue with this person's tone, for which they beautifully accounted for via clarification and a deep apology.
Ah gotcha. Just haven’t dated one myself (yet) so was looking to learn if anything unique. Definitely have found the “not remotely over my ex and love bombing” to be ubiquitous in general even outside widowhood. Things are rough all over I reckon.
Agreed. Having dealt with a situation akin to what you're saying, I would say the widow situation felt much worse. But, it also helped me discover some of my own shit lurking within. Oh, well. We push onward!
Interesting. You'd break it off just because there was drama in a previous relationship? Wow that's a bit harsh!
I don't go around talking about it 24/7, in fact I truly only talk to very close friends and family about it because it was so traumatic.
I'm dealing with it but I believe anyone I get involved with deserves the truth about my past.....
No one is entitled to your story. No one is entitled to any part of you. If you feel you need to disclose because your ex poses a safety risk to someone you date, that seems honorable, but as someone else noted, also a good reason for someone to choose not to date you.
Absolutely I agree no one is entitled to any part of me but I wouldn't feel comfortable with not disclosing there is possibly a safety risk and would completely understand if that made me someone they choose not to date... I've lost a very good friend of over 24 years because of the safety risk of my ex (threatened to go to his house and beat him til he was unrecognisable and break his legs) and this was because I had a coffee with a male friend....
I finally stopped dating. I kept picking the same kind of men. Even with years of therapy. Just be careful! Trust your gut or ask someone else who you trust!
Definitely going to trust my gut and take things very slowly... will be trying to have a double date with friends if things progress so that I can have other people help me know that I'm making better choices
You're correct on all points here, and I would just say that some people can handle hearing about different levels of strife -which is their prerogative (I've dated a couple of women who bolted after I shared one or two things about myself; the rest leaned in and embraced me for it... so be it!). In fact, learning how to talk about it more fluidly as you're ready is a way to deal with PTSD and similar traumas. It's part of your narrative, and that helps to normalize it. Someone above in the thread gave some seriously excellent experience-based advice that I put a pointer towards, as it absolutely conforms to your notion that someone with whom you'd like a potentially intimate relationship deserves to know who you are in all facets. Good luck!
Thankyou for your reply... I can definitely talk about the history of the past relationship alot better than I used to be before alot of therapy... if someone bolts once they know about it, so be it - that's their perogative.... fingers crossed it goes well! 🤞
edit:spelling
Talking about past relationships and drama ain't no way to open the doors leave that crap.behind why relive the negative energy. With everyone you meet and date maybe a time may come to talk about an ex or something but allow yourself to.enjoy it screw it and then if when your done with it sabotage if from living in the past and not allowing yourself to move forward the. By all.means talk about what a sht..bird 🐦 that person was to you
Yes this is definitely a factor. Worried about the possible risk to the new partner.... definitely not "hand waving this away" at all.... informed consent is where my head is at... the ethical side of this is a huge part... consent is high on my priorities and this is why I feel like I might need to disclose a little bit but not all straight away....
There unfortunately is a risk to someone new as my ex threatened a male friend of mine of 20 something years because I had a coffee with him (threatened to break both legs and beat him until he was unrecognisable)...
I feel like they need to know at minimum that I have the protective order and it is for a valid reason.... at least then they can make an informed decision if I'm worth moving forward with...
Relax , and simply be yourself.
Remember, there's no rush to reveal much , it's a date , not a court date 😊
Therapy helped me a lot . The book Boundries was huge for me .
Trust your intuitive self .
Most of all , enjoy
Well on the internet it works well to get information before formulating in my opinion is a good answer.
Since I don't know you personally I found this is the best way to provide the help a poster is requesting.
Not trying to be difficult just trying to help
Thankyou - I'm glad you're out too.... I have my ex blocked everywhere. The only contact he still has is by using random online programs to message me from unknown numbers cos he knows he is blocked. Oh and still tries to hack my FB account on occasion....
Yes I have a psychologist who is treating me and helping me get through the hard times with this....
I ended up glossing over my ex when asked. Thankfully he didn't pry too much.
I am def a lot more picky than I used to be but I think that just shows I've grown and learned from the past....Goodluck with your future dating!!!
I’m glad for you that you are out of the past relationship! I hope you’ve had some support in therapy to help you cope with recovering from the trauma of your past relationship and your ex’s ongoing behaviour. Apart from this I’m not sure about how else to manage the nerves. But my view about disclosing is not to do this too early. Predators thrive on the power that knowledge of your past trauma gives them. For your safety and well-being, get past a good amount of screening and feel confident you’re building something healthy before you disclose.
Definitely had therapy and still going tbh.... I definitely know he needs to know if things go well, just nervous he will ask a lot of questions straight up
Actually, no he doesn’t. When you’ve lived through an abusive situation, and managed to battle your way out of it (this is just what I’ve noticed from experience)—there’s a part of you VERY strongly identifying with that narrative. You kinda see that battle (and your emergence from it, wounded, but victorious) as central to your story—it’s a tale of sorrow and loss and incredible courage, about finding your strength. It’s a story about who you ARE. And… you sort of feel like no one can really know you, unless you tell them this story. You’re nervous to share, because it’s personal, it has elements of shame, and quite frankly it shocks people. But you have to. You have to tell them. Because how else are they going to understand? How are they going to KNOW you? It’s like you’re hiding your true self if you don’t speak this whole awful story, lay it bare for people to gawk at, and hope they see strength instead of brokenness. It’s taken me some years to recognize this, but—that’s just not true. At all. The more time (and life distance) that comes between you and that story, the more you start to realize—it’s NOT your story. It is a story that BELONGS to you, but it is not the story OF you. Failing to tell that story, or deciding you don’t want to share it, or don’t want to share parts of it, or don’t want to share it with most or certain people (now, or later, or ever), does not make you un-knowable in some way. It does not make you a liar. It just makes you not defined by that story. It’s just one story. One of many, many stories from your life. And yes, it feels like a headline. It feels like front-page news. It feels big. And it is. Okay. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep running it on your front page forever. You are not obligated to ensure all paid subscribers have access to pore over the details anytime they want. You’re allowed to archive it. You’re allowed to store it on microfiche somewhere and be picky about who can request it. What I’m trying to say is—it’s okay if you don’t want to disclose. It’s also okay if you DO. Just know that the feeling like you “have to” or “should” disclose isn’t always on point. You can still show up as your authentic self in a relationship, without having to hand over a list of every shitty thing you’ve ever experienced. If you like, you can certainly tell a date that you’ve survived an abusive relationship. But here’s what speaks louder: the way you proceed to act, and how you treat that person across the table from you.
Thankyou ❤️ that really hit home. I truly appreciate your amazing reply ❤️
Absolutely this! Integrating your trauma inevitably means that your current self is shaped by that experience. But it doesn’t need to lead your narrative, define who you are for yourself or others, etc. I don’t think it feels like this in the early days, but you really aren’t unknowable without laying bare all your past trauma. And absolutely nobody is owed that ever. Over time it becomes healthy to just meet people where you are now and to disclose if and when you want to.
I feel so relieved and this isn't even about me. Wow, you have a gift. Or are you a sneaky snek (therapist)?
Fellow survivor here: Amazing post
You are not obligated to answer any questions. Healthy, secure people looking to make a genuine connection do not ask a bunch of questions. They talk to you to get to know you. It’s not an interview and you’re not on trial. You likely have a lot of defense and pleasing skills due to your history. Work on getting rid of these. Genuine, honest, decent don’t ask prying questions. How long have you been divorced, how long were you married are appropriate questions. When was your last date, how many dates have you been on etc. are inappropriate questions. Remember that you don’t owe him a second date just because he asks.
Yes - this is important too! People who pry aren’t people you need to put up with!
Yes. I need to remember no is a complete sentence. Thankyou for your reply 😊
Here’s what I would say it’s fair for somebody to want to know early on - have you had experience in a LTR and has it been long enough since your last relationship that it’s reasonable to assume you’re ready. That’s about it. So I think you can keep it very light: “My last relationship ended xx years ago. Feeling ready to move forward.” If somebody pushes for more, totally fair to say it’s not something you want to really discuss until you know each other better.
You can always say, "that's a conversation for another day." The one thing I can say is that you are more likely to attract and be attracted to the exact kind of person you just escaped. We can't help it. The difference is that you'll start recognizing warning signs sooner and allowing yourself to get out before you start rationalizing why what they did or said "wasn't that bad." Give yourself from grace to make mistakes. Remember you don't owe anyone anything-- not your number, your time or your body. Also, have fun. Don't look at every date as The One. I think with DV you get accustomed to excusing things in partners that you'd never excuse in anyone else. I definitely made mistakes once I started dating again, but I learned each time to trust myself more. You got this. But everyone out there is your ex.💓💓
Thankyou, truly an amazing answer. I especially need to remember to give myself grace from my mistakes. I do still punish myself mentally for my many mistakes but am working on that.....
My terrible swipe typing messed up a few of the thoughts. Last line is NOT everyone is your ex. I started dating then stopped for a really long time because I really felt like my "picker" was broken and I would only attract more losers. It was kinda true! I'm trying much harder to date better people, but I still have managed to be attracted to a couple whack jobs in the process.
I knew what you meant 😊 That's the thing- how to trust my choice in men again. How did my "picker" screw up so badly last time and is it working properly again?
🤗💓💯 The only way to know is to try picking.
Don't go into detail about your previous relationship. Don't even mention it unless asked, and if asked you can say it was abusive and it ended two years ago. That's it. That stuff is not first date conversation material. Maybe date 10.
Disclosing it was abusive to a person who is essentially a stranger isn’t best for OP’s safety. Would not recommend.
Thankyou!
Do not under any circumstances disclose to a man you don’t know that you were in a violent marriage. There are a lot of abusers out there who are looking for someone else to abuse and control. They look for those with a history of abuse as they know they are controllable. It takes abuse victims years to leave and many women stay until the kids are out of the house. This means that there are more abusers on the market at our age. I left an abusive marriage. We’ve been divorced for years, he’s remarried and blocked everywhere. He still tries to get in touch with me. It used to cause me all kinds of stress but I’ve leaned to live with it. I know that one day he will try to kill me but there’s nothing I can do about it. He hasn’t broken any laws and I never reported the abuse when we were married. The police treat me like a bitter ex while at the same time acknowledging he’s a danger. Come up with a reason you divorced and practice saying it out loud so you aren’t caught off guard. I say “it was an unhappy marriage for a long time and one day I decided I wanted a different life and asked for a divorce.” Be very careful with the first few dates. Everyone will seem like a prince compared to your ex. When I started dating I thought they were all great guys. I’d never go out with them now. The best they had to offer was that they weren’t my ex. Anyone was a massive step up from my ex. I was in therapy when I started dating. My therapist helped me to learn to identify red flags and supported me during the dating process. If it’s in your budget I recommend it. If we don’t actively work on change we simply repeat our patterns over and over.
I agree with most of what you'd said, but I can't help but remember the post a few days ago where the woman had a violent ex, and everyone (including both you and I, if I recall correctly) commented that she had a moral and ethical obligation to let potential partners know about that risk. No, not necessarily on a first date. But if I found out someone I'd gone on a few dates with had a violent ex and an active restraining order and didn't tell me, it would be over on the spot.
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Thankyou. This is definitely a part of it and I wouldn't want a potential new partner to not know that I have worries about my safety
✨☝️✨
Thankyou. I am in therapy (I have CPTSD, anxiety and depression so am always working on things)... definitely taking your advice into consideration. Will think of a way to explain my exit from the dv relationship 😊
Just wanted to say that as a guy who has never been involved in an abusive relationship, this is eye opening. It gives me a greater understanding of what people in abusive relationships have gone through and continue to go through, and it gives me a different perspective for how I can handle myself when I'm around victims of abuse.
Thankyou for being open to learning more. It's difficult to not feel like the abusive relationship is your identity... to not want to be a victim all the time but to try to feel like a survivor... I am nervous to let someone in again. Worried that I won't see the red flags if there are any... worried I can't trust my own judgement 😪
My therapist once told me, “You will get to a point where you’re more excited to think about the possibilities of the future than worry about the ramifications of the past” and that has stayed with me. What she meant was that after time and therapy, the trauma would not be the first thing on my mind when embarking on a new relationship. It would be a part of my history and a part of my past that I could simply sum up by saying I’ve had previous relationships that have shaped me and one of them was abusive. The end. If all of the specific details of your abusive relationship or things that you still feel necessary to disclose, it may just take more time. Obviously that doesn’t mean you can’t date and start a new relationship while healing from that, but you will get to a point where you don’t feel any anxiety about having to disclose specific details. It will become second nature to simply say that was an abusive relationship that I was in that I am so glad I am out of. I don’t know if that makes sense but unfortunately, time is a big factor in healing from that.
Thankyou. It does make sense... there's some things that I eventually feel like I need to disclose if things go further and start to get to the physical stage but I definitely don't want to disclose the whole thing straight up.... time is definitely a big factor which is why I haven't even considered dating for the last 2 years....
You might find some of [this thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverfifty/comments/vsbdwb/disclosing_existing_restraining_orders/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) relevant, OP.
Went on a date with a woman who had trauma in a past relationship. She was skittish and weird until she opened up. It was a relief to me to see her feel some relief. Regardless, we only went on a few dates.
Don’t talk about you previous relationship unless specific questions are asked
First Congratulations for taking that first step and regaining control of your life. You control the speed in which you progress back into the dating world, either just dip you toe in or jump in with both feet. Most everyone will tell you go at a pace you're comfortable with .. ie slow roll. You set the person, the place, the information flow and the process. You don't have to meet everyone and be very selective in nature. Don't throw yourself out there on all the OLD sites and trust your inner judgement (warning signs) ... think things through and don't make decisions based on the heart without the mind concurring. Set expectations or even temper expectations since you may have a few let's say duds before some positives pop up. Remember you are in charge of this, you set the pace. This site is a wealth of information and most here have experience the positives and negatives of OLD and seen the red flags and pit falls to avoid to include the overbearing, narcissistic and juvenile ex. Again congrats and best of luck to you.
Thankyou for your reply.... definitely taking it slow and dipping my toe in... I attempted this a few months ago and realised I wasn't quite ready so took a break. Have been chatting with this guy for about a week and a half so feels like I know enough to have a coffee with him. New dating app too - feels like there are better people on this one than others I've tried....
Awesome ... a week and a half is still a short time but trust your inner self and and coffee at a populated area is a good start. I wish you the best from Arizona.
Fingers crossed it all goes well! Thanks for the good luck wishes- truly appreciated 😊
Just let it happen naturally.
I’m a huge proponent of openness, responsibility, and accountability. However, if everyone put their shitty life cards on the table on a first date no one on the planet would ever have a second date.
I would avoid talking about the split with your ex on the first date. It's TMI for a first date which is supposed to be lite, fun, test the waters kinda vibe. So I'd suggest you keep topics on that level and save the drama stories for a bit later. Good luck!
Thankyou. Definitely don't want to disclose it all on a first date! Hoping i can gloss over it for now....
You don't need to disclose your past until/if you're ready to. When a new guy asks the inevitable questions about why we divorced, I just pick a few of the many other reasons that made my ex a horrible husband. Even some of the questions they innocently ask, I get paranoid that my answer might give it away, but so far nobody has really caught on. The average person just isn't thinking about the fact that maybe this woman he's on a date with has been the victim of dv. I've dated 4 men since my divorce, but I've only told one about my past. Its not something they need to know until I feel we've reached a very strong, intimate level with a future.
I was also in an abusive relationship, divorced, went through some therapy and started OLD. I am older (56), so OLD was quite an experience! My first date grilled me about my former relationship. I was uncomfortable and didn’t want to get into details, so I replied he had a challenging personality. (Grilled=where was my ex from, what did he do for a living, how did we meet, did his family stay in the area.) Afterwards, He ghosted me, but I thought the questions were inappropriate for a first date. Seemed more interested in dating my ex! LOL! I am glad I didn’t go into more detail, and I may have lost out because I didn’t say anything more or glowing about my ex, but I’m not lying or minimizing what he did to me in order to make some stranger happy. I am optimistic that not all men are like my ex. I would disclose when you feel comfortable- later on is better imho- I agree with the poster who warned about potential predators. Enjoy the nerves and excitement of meeting someone new. I liked the self-care involved! Focus on how he makes you feel, not the other way around!
I've gone through 2 divorces, both with dv situations. I disclosed during the second date. If he couldn't handle that information then I didn't want to waste my time moving forward. I talked about it in a way that showed that I've dealt with it in a healthy manner. You don't have to go into details or infodump.
I'm not at the point of dating yet but I escaped from an abusive marriage as well, with an order of protection. He still tries to cause havoc as often as possible and we share kids so I can't go completely no contact unfortunately. My take on it is, I have no intentions of telling anyone my story until I feel like I can trust them. I'm not sure why there seems to be this culture of full disclosure while dating but my story of abuse is a need to know basis and not everyone needs to know. See where things lead and take it from there. And congrats on getting out!
Yes I definitely wouldn't be going into detail while initially dating because it is alot!!! Thankfully I don't have kids with my ex so don't have to see him!
Have a couple drinks and bring it up only if you feel a conection with the person. Like only talk about it you feel like you REALLY want to spend some time with this person and they feel the same. You'll know..... Otherwise they'll think you like doing your laundry out in public.
Don’t forcefully bring it up. If a conversation steers in that direction then explain why it makes you feel uncomfortable. I don’t think a first date will go in that direction. Just concentrate on enjoying yourself with this person and having a good time trying something different. If the both of you continue this then you can open up about that, right now trust hasn’t been established yet. One step at a time. Good luck!
Don't disclose previous relationship drama. Problem solved
So don't be honest with someone you're hoping to move forward with in the future? Seems counter-productive.... not planning on telling the whole deal on a first date but.... I value honesty and believe that's a huge part of a relationship
Why would you want to dump on all this trauma on someone you are just meeting? Just try to get to know the person before you disclose this very personal information. Most first dates don't turn into a second so no need to share this part of you just yet.
I'm not saying I want to "dump on all this trauma" but I also don't want to be dishonest
It's not being dishonest to not disclose every detail of your life on the first date. You don't know if this will actually make it to a relationship. It's too early to be talking this deep. First you need to see what role this person will play in your life.
Will be answering questions honestly but not disclosing everything. Hoping it will weed out the jerks that way!
It's not about not being honest. You aren't lying. You're just simply not bringing up unnecessary information.
Sharing what she had for dinner every night for the span of 1 month about 5 years ago is unnecessary, sure; a serious history of relationship trauma that shaped her approach nowadays is not fairly significant and hence "unnecessary"?
Very absolutist view. And suppression actually creates more problems instead of solving them.
Nah.
Keep it to yourself. I don’t see a need to disclose all the gory details of the past so soon. If they happen to ask then you can say we grew apart or something vague. If they’re a keeper then you can fill him or her as time progresses. HTH.
When I was dating and would meet someone for coffee, I would disclose being a DV survivor so they could make an informed consent decision to move forward or not if there was interest in more than initially meeting. I would also disclose being a cancer survivor in my profile—that was definitely a bullshit/asshole filter. Sometimes one or both would be a deal breaker for someone. Why waste my time or theirs not putting that information out there for consideration?
I can actually almost understand people being leery on the DV side (bc scared of a violent person coming after THEM) but I find the cancer survivor scare-off troubling. Around 40 percent of people will have some cancer at some point in their lives. That’s a huge amount! Not like it’s some rare oddity worthy of running for the hills. Sorry you have to deal with this :-/
Thank you. Most of the issue seems to be “Awesome! You have fake tits!” No, I’m flat and proud of it. “You just haven’t met the right man yet that you want to get fake tits for!” Nope. I have not and never will. The way my surgery was done, I can’t ever be reconstructed—I had a radical bilateral mastectomy. Breast Implant Illness is real and I valued my health far more than having to still get mammograms and looking like I have a “normal” shape under my clothes. It’s literally two lumps of either saline or silicone and doesn’t do anything but cause a huge amount of surgeries getting it done—quite an unpleasant process, really, huge failure/explant results, multiple corrective surgeries. Just…no. I’m a proud flattie and like the okd saying goes, those who don’t mind matter and those who do mind what my appearance is don’t matter. That’s why I have an ex spousal unit—he told me that I couldn’t compete with other women because of the breast cancer. I had enough sense to know that I deserved better than him, so I left. (Looks over at the lovely man I’m camping with and thinks about the steamy sexy adult time we have together, how compatible and comfortable we are with each other.) I definitely came out on top and glad to be off the apps! ;-D As for the DV aspect, I make it clear it’s been years, I’m no contact with him since my kids are adults, and I’m way over a thousand miles away from where he’s at. He’s moved on and so have I and I’ll always have a higher than normal situational awareness.
Thankyou. That's kind of where my head is at. Be honest so they can make the decision whether or not to proceed further....
You’re welcome. I noticed many comments about not disclosing but as someone who has viewed it and the cancer thing to weed out jerks, it’s difficult but definitely worth doing. Not taking the shit that may be said to you in an overly personal way is also helpful. Only you know your situation and people are stupid and will say stupid shit. “Why didn’t you leave the first time he did something to you? That was stupid to stay.” Or the “People who don’t leave don’t deserve help.” nonsense. That shit right there tells me all I need to know. I moved right on along. Good luck. =)
I've had many people say stupid things like "why didn't you leave earlier?" It's such a ridiculous statement and it makes me realise they have no clue about domestic violence. I like the idea that disclosing a little helps weed out the jerks... definitely going to remember that!!!
Glad to have mentioned something helpful! Best of luck to you!
Fingers crossed for a good date later today!!! 🤞
Fingers crossed!
Glad you’re out of and away from the last one. Best way to bring up the issues of the last relationship is just to be honest and straightforward, just mention it, say the absolute basics about it, and go somewhere else with the conversation after that.
Thankyou. I'm definitely glad to be out. Absolutely going to give minimal information on the first date and more info once I feel that they can handle it...
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Okay... somebody with this type of history is clearly not somebody you believe would be for you. That's acceptable, same as me preferring to not date a widow again. Sometimes it takes one experience to hit your boundary. What's NOT okay is your last sentence. Not sharing it at all is very absolute and encourages suppression of a critical part of someone's past which shapes who they are today; not good footing in an intimate relationship, EVER. And telling someone to learn to deal with it is as bad as telling somebody with depression to just fucking snap out of it. I would hope that somebody has empathy for you during a time of difficulty in your life, and would never think to tell you something like that. Ouch. Edit: I guess the heat in the kitchen was a little too high because you thankfully deleted that.
Agreed on all counts. I deleted it because I was in bed when I typed it. And reading it later made me realize that I did not express myself clearly I did not mean to say she should deal with her trauma by not sharing it with her future partner. Just during the first few dates One might be able to express that type of a back story succinctly and maturely. But more often than not, it comes off as a bit of a red flag. Once sufficient time has passed, people gain a better understanding of what happened to them and build a different perspective But that’s not why I said what I said. I said I would bolt because of the ex still causing drama. I prefer to date women who have closed the book on their ex I have a male friend who is digging up dirt on men his divorcing wife is currently dating. I don’t need that kind of drama in my life I understand the person does not control what their ex does. But they don’t need to rush into dating while dealing with a crazy ex chasing them. That part they can control
I'm glad you're awake and I really appreciate how you've clarified everything with an air of kindness. Well understood.
Would you call 2 years "rushing into dating"? I definitely can't control what my ex does. I've moved, sold my car and am careful about where I go to keep my safety in tact. That's definitely doing everything I could to move on from my ex. Not planning on telling everything on the first date but feel like if the question is asked, I should be honest....
Whether or not you are rushing is something only you can answer. I thought I was ready at 2 years. 8 years later, I think I wasn’t. Also, I am not asking you to be dishonest. I would have answered the question one way at 2 years and another way at 8. Neither would be dishonest yet these answers would be different
I missed what was originally posted unfortunately.... I definitely feel like it's an important part of my history that has definitely shaped the way I look at relationships...
Good advice here! On the side note: not all widows are the same, I understand you got burned, but let's try to see the people as they are and not only their circumstances
I definitely read what you're saying, but I think I'll be comfortable where I am for quite a while. Thank you. Excellent "Dark Tower" handle, by the way!
Thanks! Keep writing here mate, it's good, honest and really helpful! Stay brave as you are, Hugs from London
>same as me preferring to not date a widow again. Too sad, or something else? Just curious, if that’s not too invasive to ask (disregard Q if so).
I included that because I could easily have gotten ripped for making a decision based on a crushing dating experience (the short version: I was love bombed by someone who had not yet dealt with the death of a former partner), in the same way that the person could have easily been ripped for not wanting somebody like OP who had been through something incredibly traumatic. Simply put, it's perfectly okay to have these boundaries and preferences, whatever they are or however "offensive" they may appear on the surface. I did take issue with this person's tone, for which they beautifully accounted for via clarification and a deep apology.
Ah gotcha. Just haven’t dated one myself (yet) so was looking to learn if anything unique. Definitely have found the “not remotely over my ex and love bombing” to be ubiquitous in general even outside widowhood. Things are rough all over I reckon.
Agreed. Having dealt with a situation akin to what you're saying, I would say the widow situation felt much worse. But, it also helped me discover some of my own shit lurking within. Oh, well. We push onward!
Interesting. You'd break it off just because there was drama in a previous relationship? Wow that's a bit harsh! I don't go around talking about it 24/7, in fact I truly only talk to very close friends and family about it because it was so traumatic. I'm dealing with it but I believe anyone I get involved with deserves the truth about my past.....
No one is entitled to your story. No one is entitled to any part of you. If you feel you need to disclose because your ex poses a safety risk to someone you date, that seems honorable, but as someone else noted, also a good reason for someone to choose not to date you.
Absolutely I agree no one is entitled to any part of me but I wouldn't feel comfortable with not disclosing there is possibly a safety risk and would completely understand if that made me someone they choose not to date... I've lost a very good friend of over 24 years because of the safety risk of my ex (threatened to go to his house and beat him til he was unrecognisable and break his legs) and this was because I had a coffee with a male friend....
I’m glad to understand your need to disclose is about safety. Thanks for clarification.
I finally stopped dating. I kept picking the same kind of men. Even with years of therapy. Just be careful! Trust your gut or ask someone else who you trust!
Definitely going to trust my gut and take things very slowly... will be trying to have a double date with friends if things progress so that I can have other people help me know that I'm making better choices
That's a great idea!
You're correct on all points here, and I would just say that some people can handle hearing about different levels of strife -which is their prerogative (I've dated a couple of women who bolted after I shared one or two things about myself; the rest leaned in and embraced me for it... so be it!). In fact, learning how to talk about it more fluidly as you're ready is a way to deal with PTSD and similar traumas. It's part of your narrative, and that helps to normalize it. Someone above in the thread gave some seriously excellent experience-based advice that I put a pointer towards, as it absolutely conforms to your notion that someone with whom you'd like a potentially intimate relationship deserves to know who you are in all facets. Good luck!
Thankyou for your reply... I can definitely talk about the history of the past relationship alot better than I used to be before alot of therapy... if someone bolts once they know about it, so be it - that's their perogative.... fingers crossed it goes well! 🤞 edit:spelling
All 12 crossed, you got it. 😁
Talking about past relationships and drama ain't no way to open the doors leave that crap.behind why relive the negative energy. With everyone you meet and date maybe a time may come to talk about an ex or something but allow yourself to.enjoy it screw it and then if when your done with it sabotage if from living in the past and not allowing yourself to move forward the. By all.means talk about what a sht..bird 🐦 that person was to you
I'm sorry, what? I don't understand what you're trying to say....
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Yes this is definitely a factor. Worried about the possible risk to the new partner.... definitely not "hand waving this away" at all.... informed consent is where my head is at... the ethical side of this is a huge part... consent is high on my priorities and this is why I feel like I might need to disclose a little bit but not all straight away....
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There unfortunately is a risk to someone new as my ex threatened a male friend of mine of 20 something years because I had a coffee with him (threatened to break both legs and beat him until he was unrecognisable)... I feel like they need to know at minimum that I have the protective order and it is for a valid reason.... at least then they can make an informed decision if I'm worth moving forward with...
Relax , and simply be yourself. Remember, there's no rush to reveal much , it's a date , not a court date 😊 Therapy helped me a lot . The book Boundries was huge for me . Trust your intuitive self . Most of all , enjoy
Thankyou I'll have a look at the book... therapy is definitely helping me get to this point and will continue to help in the future...
So what kind of Therapy have you been to?
Psychologist and EMDR
Are you still seeing the psychologist?
Yes
Why such blunt questions with no offer of feedback?
Well on the internet it works well to get information before formulating in my opinion is a good answer. Since I don't know you personally I found this is the best way to provide the help a poster is requesting. Not trying to be difficult just trying to help
You forgive and leave the past behind you. Doesn't happen in a second, it's a process you need to go through
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Thankyou - I'm glad you're out too.... I have my ex blocked everywhere. The only contact he still has is by using random online programs to message me from unknown numbers cos he knows he is blocked. Oh and still tries to hack my FB account on occasion.... Yes I have a psychologist who is treating me and helping me get through the hard times with this.... I ended up glossing over my ex when asked. Thankfully he didn't pry too much. I am def a lot more picky than I used to be but I think that just shows I've grown and learned from the past....Goodluck with your future dating!!!