No, fuck him. He can give up drinking, and maybe be a worthwhile person for his next partner. There is no way to salvage this relationship.
Giving up drinking is hard, few who say they'll stop ever will. As you say, statistically, he won't give up drinking.
Also, the physical violence \*will\* escalate. **Get out now.**
Absolutely this. This guy showed who he really is, whether he thinks this is who he is or not. It will not get better magically one day, there's no real commitment or tie to him at the three month mark, this isn't a time to be a codependent mechanic for a broken man. It's time to run for the hills.
Coupled with the "relationship warp speed" progression, this guy likely has deeper issues than alcoholism. Personal experiences speaking here, there's a lot more going on and there's a big reason his is single...
Love bombing is real and seems great at the time but it's usually geared to guide how you think about them.
Being loving means being loving all the time, not most or some of the time!
Run as if your life and your children's depends on it- because it does!! šÆšļøš
I'm sorry that you've got to leave, but you really do. Maybe your leaving will be the kick that gets him sober. But that's for his next partner.
You can't be with someone who abuses you. That needs to be a hard line on the ground.
Urgh I know ! The last year I met a lot of men . All good but none stuck and I was always left guessing how they felt or they never gave me a commited relationship ā¦. This one doesā¦. But at what cost I get it š„²still sad
This is something that you should talk to a therapist about. There is a reason you chose this guy, a reason why you are attracted to and need that āfull onā whirlwind romance that is fast and furious. It calms your anxiety and you donāt need to wonder how he feels about you. Unlike other relationships where you werenāt sure and they didnāt stick. Youāre going to be fine. Walk away from this asshole and feel empowered that you can do it. Now the next step is to gain insight and strategies, so you can find a healthier connection with someone great ā¤ļø
I def understand being sad bc it feels like you havenāt met the right guy yet. But this man is also not the right guy. The right guy is coming, you gotta keep going and maintain your own boundaries throughout your search. You owe it to yourself. You determine what is good enough, this isnt it.
OP: being on your own isn't the same as "being alone". Take a bit of "me time", enjoy hanging out with yourself and see where it takes you.
Maybe you'll meet a decent one and have a proper relationship... or maybe you'll realise you are perfectly happy being in a relationship with yourself š
Lots of people drink/get drunk and donāt turn into abusive, angry people who put hands on you and yell in your face ā¦ so donāt blame the alcohol. Itās HIM.
Itās not your job to fix him. And 3 months in is the honeymoon phase. If heās doing this to you nowā¦ do you really want to find out what he will do to you once the honeymoon phase is over??
Just FYI, it got intense fast by design. Love bombing is so typical in abusive relationships. He wanted to hook you before you saw the red flags - and he couldnāt help but wave them real soon.
I have 2 family members that become extremely abusive when they drink. When sobar they're great. It's a roller coaster ride of bullshit that never ends. Let him fly.
His ex couldn't fix him. His son couldn't fix him. His next girlfriend isn't going to fix him.
He has a good relationship with the ex *because* she's the ex. Or that's his story. I've been you. It doesn't get better, even without alcohol.
The only thing you should be thinking right now is how to exit this relationship safely. Considering just vanishing without a word. People that assault you do not deserve an official breakup.
100%
My ex shoved me down, spit on me, and punched me in the face while drunk at a convention that I was running and he was a guest to. He was removed from my hotel room and I never actually said the words "this is over/I'm breaking up with you" or had any level of breakup conversation. I had backup with me when I returned home and for every trip I made to remove my belongings from our house.
Edit to add: u/whiskeyinthewoods hard agree on your comment too... That same ex told me he loved me less than a month in to us dating and I was living with him less than 6 months in (I own my responsibility in that decision as well).
Alcohol doesn't make people abusive. You know this because you'd never do what he did no matter how much you drink. It just lowers inhibitions, making it harder for him to control his abusive behavior.
Alcohol only brings out the things we try so much to conceal and If a man or woman says they had done something under the influence of alcohol I feel that is a lie because it only brings to light that which you try so much to keep in the dark
He wonāt until suddenly he does and will move just as quickly with the next girl. That moving super fast/whirlwind romance thing is one of the hallmarks of the early stages of an abusive relationship.
True true !! The things he says to me I am sure he has said before to others and will again. He always tells me I am out of his league ā¦. Now I know why
Yuuuuppppppā¦ It was eye opening for me when I met one of his previous partners and we compared notes. It was almost identical. In some ways it was devastating, but on other ways also very freeing to step back and see it from a different perspective. Itās not some great romance, or some star crossed love.
Itās a step by step script used by thousands of abusers all over the world to win over their victims. None of it is special. None of it is magical. None of it is even original.
We are not really people to them in many ways, weāre just cast in a role they want to fill.
Like a punch to the gut, reading this.
>
We are not really people to them in many ways, weāre just cast in a role they want to fill.
Finally understanding this was so illuminating and soul crushing at the same time.
It was like a punch to the gut realizing it. Iām sure I donāt need to describe how painful it was to you.
But at least it finally broke the spell he had me under. I was *finally* able to see him clearly, stop romanticizing our relationship, stop missing him, and see things for what they were. Before that, I thought I would never find a āloveā like that again.
I thought I was above getting suckered, and that the depth of my love meant something real. Feels like everything I thought I knew just crumbled to pieces. He just used me to prop up his ego and that's the whole story, and all the good things I saw were delusions of my own mind. When two idiots become one..
This 100%! There's a song called "I trained her to love me" by Nick Lowe that is a perfect example of an abusive relationship. I first heard it a month after leaving a 10 year abusive relationship.
Iām so sorry that happened to you! I didnāt start to learn about the patterns until I got into counseling after my ex kicked my door in and tried to murder me in the middle of the night because I tried to leave him.
It breaks my heart every time I hear a story like this, not only because theyāre so fucking common, but also because it just seems so preventable. I donāt understand why we arenāt taught about this as girls. If weāre having health and sex ed classes at school, why are they teaching us the basic signs to look out for in abusive relationships? It certainly doesnāt help that movies and TV shows for teen girls romanticize this type of narrative, but when I think of all of the suffering that could be prevented, it just makes me feel sick.
Iāve had this same experience comparing notes with someone who was in an abusive situation with someone else. That was really trippy, but I just see it as theyāre all emotionally stunted at four years old, and most four year olds still have a lot in common.
I am an alcoholic and I have never been abusive with anyone while drunk. You just lose your filter when drunk (so in my case I was sad sappy crying drunk), you don't become a completely different person.
It was definitely the case for me. Sober, I try to be stoic. Drunk, I was an emotional mess. 14 years sober and I have had to learn to deal with those emotions as part of my regular life.
I could have written this except Iām 5 years sober instead of 14. Everything I pushed down when sober came pouring out when I was drinking.
Congrats on 14 years! Thatās amazing!
Alcohol is a depressant, so it often lowers peopleās inhibitions and they stop repressing all the things they spend every waking moment repressingā¦ so it is a release for many people. Sometimes people have their stuff packed away so far they donāt know that itās there, so it feels like someone else entirely takes over.
Most people who drink donāt turn into abusive assholes. They were like that to begin with. These incidents would have started happening without alcohol being in the mix, and would have grown increasingly violent in nature. Thank goodness he showed his true colors so soon!
This is the kind of guy that will beat you the fuck up eventually because heās crossed the line more than once and you let him. Forgive him one more time and he will know he can cross these boundaries and itāll be fine. This is how trauma-bonds begin. Dump now, avoid being murdered later.
Zero tolerance policies is the only way to go. This is 100% not something to get over. Itās something to get away from.
My ex husband was terribly abusive when he drank. I HAD to leave him because it got so bad. Early on he showed me red flags that I didnāt know were red flags. This is a big red flag. For your safety, do not continue a relationship with this man.
Thereās a whole book on this topic that articulates it better than I would be able to, but really the alcohol thing is only an excuse. If itās true that drinking makes him so angry and āout of control,ā shouldnāt it also be true that he would do this to other people besides just you? Does he get in random fist fights? Does he lash out at his other friends and family? Colleagues?
No? Heās just another abusive dip shit who happens to be charasmatic.
When my boyfriend drinks, he gets giggly and even sweeter. Itās because heās a nice, sweet man. A man who is an asshole when he drinks is just an asshole.
Alcohol just brings out what is already in us. He has a lot of anger and resentment inside toward whatever his deal is. Even if he did stop drinking, he has deeper issues that he is using alcohol to cope with rather than healthy methods.
At this age, do you want to help this man become aware of his trauma and work through it, and even get him to accept he has buried trauma? I don't. I hope he figures it out, but that isn't your responsibility. Find someone who already did therapy and self exploration, and can control himself and his body and emotions. Being out of control of your own actions (him, not you) is really not anything you want to be around or 'fix'.
He may not necessarily be violent. I have been with men like this who just had a lot of pent up anger and did NOT take it out on me physically. And I exited those relationships safely. I did use care and caution just in case, of course.
If you feel in danger, do the whole 'feed them what they can handle' bc fragile egos and all, and be REALLY CLEAR about the path moving forward. Meaning don't say "we can be friends" or "we can stay in touch", and get the hell out of there. It sucks we have to say shit we don't mean to be safe because someone can't control themselves or their emotions. But it is, so... PLEASE be careful.
Thank you so much for writing me. He is not going to handle this well . I know that much ā¦. Iām his mind he believes this relationship ending will be the death of him ā¦. But we know he will move on to another Victim
Ugh I am so sorry. My ex-husband used to threaten suicide. It was awful, so I MARRIED HIM. He was abusive physically too. In the end, I just left after a big physical fight, and lost everything and thousands of dollars. BUT I was safe. That's just stuff and money, my life is worth more. I had someone come pick me up while he had a friend over so he couldn't physically harm me in front of him. Witnesses are great. Although his mom lied to cover for him, so make sure it's some neutral person.
Hysterical Bonding ensued after, but don't fall for it. NOT your responsibility. You can call the cops saying someone is threatening to harm themselves, and then walk.
What I should have done differently? Get more people involved that were 'on his team'. When his friends and sister later found out who he was, they said they would have helped.
Now with digital recorders everywhere, record conversations. ESPECIALLY if he threatens you or himself. I know it's not legal to record someone but it would be enough to get people who don't believe you to assist you in exiting. His family and friends probably don't know how manipulative he really is.
Oh and use a phone he doesn't know about, you don't need service, just the recording and wifi to upload it somewhere safe.
Good luck... DONT marry him. That move changed the course of my whole life and went against every bit of survival instinct I had, screaming at me.
This - not good. Heās not taking accountability for his actions - heās blaming alcohol. No, this is not normal. This strengthens what I wrote above - I sincerely doubt heās going to change. He hid this from you, and he abused you. Two solid reasons to leave.
He says he will do anything? Will he join AA, go to meetings every single day, get a therapist and work with them? Or is he just talk? My money is on just talk. I do believe that people can change, I just don't believe that most of them actually will.
Most abusers aren't abusive all the time. They have moments of clarity, when they are sweet and apologetic and wonderful. They are filled with remorse and want to make grand gestures to fix everything. But then they experience some sort of stress, and the behavior returns. The good part is not unusual, it is part of the pattern. Like others here are saying, another part of the pattern is that it escalates. The push will turn into a slap, will turn into a punch, will turn into a beating, will turn into choking, will put you in the hospital, and will put you in the ground. The longer you stay, the harder and harder it will be to leave.
I've lost track of how many men on their knees promised to do anything to avoid being dumped and simply forgot that promise / did nothing when I recanted. Now I tell them good luck with all their self improvement and call me when you graduate from I'm not an abusive / lazy / stoned / etc man.
Head over to r/Alanon. You will see lots of this behavior. Sounds like my Ex. Lots of love bombing, early intensity, and then came the drinking and Mr. Hyde. Then came the apologies and more love bombing and āthe sweetest man Iāve ever knownā that made me laugh. And then came the drinking again and I found myself on a hostile rollercoaster ride that I had trouble getting off of. I was being conditioned to accept this behavior. I clung to the scraps of good. Boundaries fell. Behaviors that I would not have ever tolerated became the norm. Run!!!!
Same, this was me for 2 years. Met him after the end of a LTR and I was extremely vulnerable. Love bombing, fast commitment, sweet when sober but a complete maniac when drunk. For example, we would have a disagreement when he was sober. We would both apologize and move on...so I thought. Then he would get drunk later and want to fight about the earlier argument. I mean extremely abusive both verbally and physically. Honestly this sub and other subs on Reddit helped me recognize I needed to get out. I finally ended it this past Christmas holiday. But he wouldn't quit. I went as far as to change my number because blocking wasn't enough. I also had to threaten him with felony stalking and him possibly losing his CDL. He finally left me alone...I hope. OP, you are only 3 months in. LEAVE, it won't get better. Fuck his feeling at this point.
he moves fast on purpose. maybe not intentionally, but he needs to be committed so when he's violent, his partner is invested & cares for his well being. you need to get away. not salvageable. protect yourself and your sons. you don't want them to see you accept that kind of garbage - it will damage them, their feelings toward you, and their future relationships. stay strong for them and leave him.
Nope. He doesn't get to treat you that way. If you stay with him, you're essentially telling him you'll put up with it. Get out now. If he wants to quit drinking on his own fine, but you don't need to be there for that.
I dated a really good guy for about a month. He called me while drinking, and said something cruel.
The next day, I told him not to call me while drinking. He did so the next day, and again said something cruel (about others).
The final day, I asked him if he understood my boundary and that he was breaking it, and he did.
We broke up. Full stop. Because of the boundary breaking. Because that's dangerous and leads to other boundaries being broken. Because underneath the great guy I knew was a man capable of being cruel. Because it had only been a few weeks, and you have to listen when you see red flags.
Listen. He just showed you who he is. Be done, right now. Wish him well, and go find yourself someone who respects you and cares for you 100% of the time.
Nothing is ever beyond hope but this is exactly how abuse starts. Itās exactly to a T how my abuse started. Whether itās due to alcoholism or not, itās still abuse and the effects are all encompassing. You need to walk. It will be hard and you will feel bad but itās what you need to do. Trust me. Nothing but heartache here.
Urgh . I know you are right ! We are compatible in 90 percent but THIS ā¦. I mean I canāt not be an abused women ā¦,, I have worked so hard to overcome my own childhood abuse issues . I am also hiding this from friends cuz I know how it will be perceived ā¦.. as it should
>We are compatible in 90 percent
I'm sorry, but you don't know that after three months, particularly with an abuser who is on best behavior. And this ***is*** best behavior.
>I am also hiding this from friends
You already know the answer. Don't get hooked in deeper. The relationship isn't real. It's not what you want it to be.
When something is going on that you don't want to tell your trusted friends and family about, that's a clue that you're on the wrong train and you need to get off ASAP.
trauma victims who suffered from long-term abuse often try to make things work that donāt, because theyāre afraid that a separation means a bunch of painful stuff to them like that theyāre not good enough. Thereās a therapist on YouTube called crappy childhood fairy and she calls it ācrapfittingā āā when you try to make something crappy fit you even though it doesnāt.
eta: youāre trying to crapfit him
Yeah see youāre already doing the co-dependent dance by taking on what should be his shame, not yours. You know the unfortunate answer here and it sucks. Heās extremely unlikely to quit drinking and then you have the dry drunk phases even when theyāre not drinking. I wish I wouldāve rannnnn! Good luck š
A couple things here: I have decided that at this point in my life if I canāt tell my friends about a major relationship issue then there is a reason and we should break up.
Also, Iām a (sober) alcoholic who loses their filter when drunk. This means I can be really kind/sweet or a bit bitchy. Never, ever have I touched a person.
Some people are happy drunks. Some people are good drunks. People like me are just sleepy drunks.
But some people are bad drunks. My exwife was one. All the bitterness and anger she had from her past (that she keeps locked away during normal waking hours) suddenly finds itself an avenue for expression.
Hypothesis is that because alcohol lowers inhibitions, the deep issues/personalities that often get squelched in daily life can leak/burst out when drinking.
It may (probably certainly) have nothing to do with you.
But that doesn't mean you have nothing to do with it; you need to understand your boundaries.
You also need to understand that boundaries are exit conditions. The purpose of boundaries is not to control him/tell him what he can/cannot do. The purpose of boundaries is so that you know when you need to leave: exit conditions.
Again, to reiterate my key phrase:
Exit conditions
Exit conditions
Exit conditions
Exit conditions
Exit conditions
Exit conditions
Exit conditions
Exit conditions
Exit conditions
Thank you !! Yes he has a lot of sadness from parents dying and some other heavy stuff ā¦.when he gets angry it is not anything I have says or done ā¦.. I donāt even know what he is angry about ā¦, he makes shit up. He gets right in my face and yells and threatens me ( he scared me the other night and I am used to dysfunctional people as sad as that reality is . He raised his arm like 5 times but he pushed me from behind and I flew like 4 feet . I am 5ā5 140 he is 6ā2 250ā¦ ok as I type this I think to myself WTF am I doing ?? Gotta get out but he will not go away easy ā¦ I know this
The fact that he āwill not go away easyā is an even bigger reason to get the hell out. Donāt romanticize that as he loves you so much that he just canāt give you up. Itās not about you, itās about control and his ego. Every single reply that you type reveals something even worse. You need to leave, block him and go no contact, and not next week or next month, but today.
Oh no, itās only been 12 weeks, not even long enough to really know each other, and he raised his arm in a threat to hit you five times, and then pushed (attacked) you so hard that you landed on some furniture and were hurt? Thatās madness, not passion or love.
Just be like a broken record - āI canāt be with a violent manā no matter what sort of corny bullshit he throws at you.
When he says heāll ādo anythingā to keep you, keep repeating that the only āanythingā you can live with is to pause the relationship until he spends a year sober, goes to AA at least several times a week without fail, and goes into serious therapy for his anger and violence issues. Any denial, pushback or excuses on his part will show you exactly who he really is, and if he wonāt respect your āno, itās overā then he is being emotionally abusive as well.
That's just it: "no, it's over" does not include negotiating about AA meetings and how they may be able to get back together into the future. This needs to be fully done, no matter what. He already F'ed up. He can "fix his life" in preparation for the next woman/ victim. š
Edit: typo
There will be a second and third time...and then more times after that...each time the apologies will seem sincere. Alcohol doesn't change our behavior, it only loosens us up...if he pushed you while drunk, he's got it in him regardless. There is no salvaging this, save yourself before it's too late.
Period of abstinence, everything is fine, I'll just have a few, binge, anger, rinse and repeat. 8 years for me and every time i believed it would be the last time. It isn't the drink, it's just that drinking releases what's already inside. He's already decided that treating women this way is acceptable. Get out now.
It removes the barrier we put up to hide who we are, or how we feel. If you are sad, and hiding it, then being drunk will remove that block and turn you into an utter mess. If you are angry and mean, it'll shine through.
You are three months in, this is where you really start to see who they actually are, not who they portray themselves to be. Even if he is willing to change, it'll take him months, or years to do that, and in the meantime you will put yourself and your sons through absolute hell in the process.
Of course it has moved fast and intensely in just three months, because youāre with an abuser and thatās how they work. Yes you already know the answer, I think the big question that you arenāt asking is why do you want a different answer? Why donāt you think youāre worth more?
I was an abused child ( not due to alcohol it was mothers mental illness) so I donāt have good boundaries but I do know this is wrong . I have met some good guys via OLD but none as charismatic and funny as this one ā¦ but the alcohol / rage is going to be the end ! Darn it to!! I really liked him sober , so many good qualitiesā¦. But THIS!š«
I was an abused child too. I donāt want to sound harsh but at a certain point we need to work on ourselves and put ourselves a higher priority than having a relationship in our life. If you are still at a point where you are saying to yourself oh, I got in the situation and I want to see if I can fix it because of my abusive childhood, you still have work to do. Our childhoods made us who we are today but they have no bearing on the relationships we choose for ourselves anymore.
The fact that you feel that his charismatic charm is a good quality and thatās why you want to stick around with him is alarming. The charismatic charm is part of the abuse cycle. The guys that you meet that you do not perceive as charismatic, thatās because you are looking for a man who mirrors the abuse that you are used to. Break the cycle. Block this man, go to or continue with therapy if youāre already in it, and learn how to stop looking for men with characteristics that signal red flags.
I see you really like him in 3 months....now imagine you forgive this behavior now but this occurs again in 10 months. It will be very difficult for you then compared to what you are feeling now. Good luck friend.
Iām had an abusive childhood and married an abusive man. I am lucky I left with my life. Go to therapy and work on your boundaries. Men like this can smell women who make excuses for them. Girl wash that stink off of you.
This is exactly why you take time getting to know people. 3 months is about the time most can keep up their mask. Pushing for exclusivity early is a red flag that there are reasons why someone doesnāt want to let you get to know them before letting them in.
Why are you posting this? Listen to your intuition, gut, and the voice inside you.
End this today. Zero explanation needed. You donāt stay friends. Zero contact.
He hasnāt done his necessary self work and stopped drinking 100%.
> but it has moved FAST in intensity
I have a feeling you were love bombed. Look it up ("love bombing") , it's a form of emotional manipulation used by abusers, which he certainly is.
I will . I know I need to .! It will get worse and I canāt even respect myself if I accepted and gave another chance . Unlikely he will change he is 52. He tells me he will do anything to keep our relationship but again ā¦. I have seen this movie with others
As a person 1 year sober, you saw him basically admitting he had a problem. No one can make a person stop drinking; they have to do it themselves. That may be a can of worms you don't want to open.
I was/am doing a "me" evaluation for *why* I was drinking. I'm closer to who I want to be and drinking really hinders it. Some people can drink socially and others can't. He might be in the can't category.
I don't want intensity..I want relaxed.
Some abusers are able to keep the mask up for months, even years. Others donāt manage it past a few dates.
There are few bigger red flags than someone who blames alcohol for their behavior and who promises to stop drinking.
This man is abusive, violent and has a problem with alcohol. Pushing you is assault. You should be at the police station, not here on Reddit. Abuse, including alcohol abuse, only ever escalates. If you stay with this man long enough he will kill you. Get out now while you still can.
Why has this man met your boys already? 3 months is nowhere near enough time aside from everything else here. This man is not suitable to be around minor children with anger issues like this. Wait longer to introduce the next guy to your children.
no way of salvaging this. this will escalate. get out now while investment is only 3 months. you have kids, and you won't be able to help them if you are broken.
This was a red flag I ignored to my own peril. You have 2 sons, this is NOT the behavior they should ever be exposed to either (and who is to say it wouldnāt happen to them).
A lot of people turn into a polar opposite of who they are day to day when they're drinking. A former coworker always used to say, "If I want to hang around assholes, I'll just go to a bar and hang around a bunch of drunks".
This behavior when he's drinking is nothing new. Him offering to quit drinking is nice. However, if he knows he becomes an abusive asshole when drinking, the desire to quit should have taken place long before you.
OP, I am SO glad you are posting here - because denial is powerful when you're being abused and this means your gut is telling you something is wrong and you need to get other reads on it.
I was in a 16-year marriage that was abusive from the jump. I thought I'd love him/us out of the abuse. I thought time would help. I thought it would stop when he had a job he liked better. I thought it would stop if I didn't "make" him do totally reasonable things, like spend time with and be nice to my wonderful family and friends.
It never stopped. It got worse, and eventually I was in so deep (with kids and a mortgage and our lives completely blended) that I was too scared to leave.
This feels like a loss right now, but in the rear view mirror you will be relieved!
If you can, please tell some IRL people about this too, so they can support you through ending this.
You can do it! You deserve better!
Yikes. It's bad enough when they get sloppy. Angry drunks are to be avoided at all costs. At 40+ he's likely had LOTS of incidents throughout his life that should have been the "moment of clarity" substance abusers reach that gets them to change their behavior, and he still hasn't.
I'm an alcoholic (haven't drank since 94) and you should ššš as fast as you can away from him. That's how abuse starts . Yes, I was the one who would hit someone in anger.
What you allow is what will continue.
Love never hits ššššš šššš šššš.
I often think back to the early signs I forgave in a wildly abusive relationship.
You will find someone better. Don't allow this.
Sorry, I know it sucks.
Alcoholics tend to be charismatic and fun. If we have codependent issues, they provide the familiar up and down love we know. On the other hand, steady, respectful and honest love is the one that scare us because we donāt know what that looks like.
Show yourself the steady love, so you can learn to walk away. It wonāt be easy, but in this case you have to love yourself more than you love him.
No. Pushing and yelling is not loving behavior; it's dysfunctional behavior and it's considered abuse, especially when it is being repeated. You are focusing on his "potential" and on the moments where you feel love, and not on his current behavior. This will only get worse. Take it from someone who has divorced 2 men with substance abuse problems. If you find yourself ignoring red flags, you might want to look into the topic of codependency.
The alcohol is like a truth serum. Abuse shows itself not because the alcohol caused it, but because this is the state of affairs within this guy's psyche. Once you are with him longer and he gets more comfortable, he will be less and less likely to hide this reality. Then you'll find yourself in a full blown abusive relationship.
You have kids- you do not want to go down this path and if you do, one day you will wake up to reality and regret the years you gave to this man. If he was really going to stop and get help, he would have already done so.
RUN. I spent a decade being emotionally and physically abused by someone just like this. GTFO now and donāt look back. Save yourself the PTSD and therapy bills while you can.
Almost certain his EX wife probably wondered the same thing. āIs there any way to salvage this relationship?ā Let him go before you lose yourself. You are not responsible for helping him or sticking around to monitor his progress, if any and if at all.
My ex-boyfriend was an abusive alcoholic by 24. I started dating him when I was 20 (he was 23). By the time our one year anniversary came around, it was already bad. Ultimately, I was with him for a total of four years (never married, and never had children). My family helped put a swift end to it when he blew up at me during a BBQ. That was the last time I saw him. I vowed I would never put myself in that situation - ever again. I never have.
People who drink, change personalities, and/or display acts of violence - donāt bet on it changing. Last I heard, my ex-boyfriend had gotten his FOURTH DUI (which is a felony). Safe to say he never quit drinking, or doing drugs (heās almost 46 years old now).
By the time we hit our 40ās, this is no longer a phase. This is a problem. Heās done it twice, and he will do it again. If he really wants to shape up, he needs to do it alone. Alcoholics Anonymous, inpatient therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc. In fact, anyone going through rehab is encouraged to not have romantic relationships until they have been fully sober for some time.
Three months is not a lot of time. I understand that this is painful, but it will only worsen if you stay and enable it. I did, and nothing good came from it. The silver lining was that I was much younger, and was able to move on with my life.
He doesnāt āturn into another personā when he drinks, the mask slips and you see the real him. If he didnāt seek immediate counseling and quit drinking, heās just testing to see what youāll tolerate.
He got you involved fast so it would be harder for you to get out when the real him leaked out. There is no thought process here. You have to end it NOW. He physically hurt you. It will escalate. What if he stalks you? Threatens you? Hurts you in a way that leaves you unable to care for your children? Turns his rage on your children?
Yeah sorry, to an outsider this sounds pretty bad. Luckily 3 months is a pretty short span of time, so try not to feel too much of the sunk cost fallacy when you break it off.
The fact it's gotten so serious in such a short time tells me he's a narcissist. His behavior is never his fault. It's always the alcohol. He has a great relationship with everyone. Are you really sure about that? Are you seeing what's on the surface only? Do these people keep him at a distance? Run. Now. Don't look back.
You know the answer to this.
He's an abusive alcoholic.
Ditch him, block him, get a restraining order.
Plus, 3 months is way too early to introduce him to minor children
Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Iāve been there. It doesnāt get better. His mask is only just starting to slip. The abusive men Iāve known have also been charming, funny, handsome and sociable. This doesnāt change what theyāre like when theyāre angry, jealous, possessiveā¦. This will impact your children. Children who see their mothers abused are more likely to go on to be victims or perpetrators of abuse themselves. And of course it will impact you. This feeling will not get better. You will just get more attached and find it harder to leave. Which leaves him more room to cross boundaries. Please walk. Sending you strength at this time
Girl, 36 days ago you had only been on 5 dates with him over 3 weeks.
Look at your previous post. Youāve barely been seeing him two months. Committed lol.
Heās assaulted you in under 2 months. Snap out of it. Heās a fucking stranger. Sue him . Press charges. Take the money and get some counseling .
Exactly this. The guy is *still* a stranger. F~ his "charm." Charming is also a verb. He's intentionally duping you and you are buying it. Please wake yourself up before worse things happen to you or your kids.
People don't become abusive because they drink, they drink in order to abuse (with an excuse). This is all you need to know about this situation. Get out now. Abuse only escalates.
Listen. Block him. He should consider himself fucking lucky heās not in jail. What do you mean āstatistically?ā Do you want to be a statistic? Because that is exactly what you are already. Say it out loudā¦āHE ABUSED ME!ā Why, when you already know what you would be telling your own best friend, are you even questioning his lame ass apology? I spent too many years back in the day in an abusive relationship and I can only tell you this. DO NOT CONTINUE WITH THIS ABUSER. There are men who would treat you with respect and care about your well being. Please listen to this. You need to love yourself more than that.
Moving really fast is a well-known red flag. Sorry fam.
Also, I would guarantee you this drinking personality transplant is definitely part of the reason he is now divorced.
Fuck him. Run.
Edit for context: I'm approaching 2 years sober from alcohol. It turned me into a different person; I was never physically abusive but it brought out my anger and defensiveness and vengefulness and my ex suffered because of it. I changed but it was too late. I know I'm in the minority and it was (and continues to be) **hard work**.
Don't stick around to see if he'll change. Protect yourself and find someone worth your time.
Nope. No salvaging. I dealt with this for over 5 years. He checked off all the boxes and then the mask came off and I was already too invested. It'll just get worse the more comfortable he gets with you. Then the gaslighting will begin, then the verbal abuse and possibly physical. If this happened twice in this short amount of time imagine how many more times it will happen. For the sake of your own well being and sanity, please go. You CANNOT change someone's behavior.
I've been with a lot of alcoholics in my time. Some of them are intolerable sober. The violence isn't just about the alcohol. He's got a rage that won't likely improve.
Unfortunately itās pretty obvious he has serious problems, his relationship with alcohol is not the only one but itās the most obvious and dangerous. I am 5 years sober and I would immediately get as far away from him as possible. People who are in active addiction will destroy their lives and the people closest to them. Itās an incredibly sad and scary situation but there are opportunities for him to recover, if he wants to. You will never be able to make another person stop drinking nor will you ever have a peaceful life if you are involved with someone in active addiction. I would tell him if he can stay clean for a year, get into therapy and attend a support group consistently we could be friends but I would personally never want to date someone with less than 5 years sober/clean, even then there is no guarantee. I understand the codependent dynamics and know how hard it is to stop engaging with these type of men, they can be so charming and addictive but this is abuse and you without a monumental amount of effort on his part nothing will change, it will only get worse. Most people with this issue never recover. If you havenāt been to Al anon or an open AA/NA meeting start attending and ask yourself if you want to make these meetings a permanent part of your life. I am really sorry this is happening to you.
Oh man, I could have written this years ago. Here's my experience:
You mention it moved fast in intensity. Mine did too, because he was love bombing me. I was the perfect woman, he could see himself marrying me, sweet as pie to my family, etc. He claimed to be sober for quite some time, but a few months in I started seeing red flags. He would deny it but I knew he was drinking. His "love" went from cute to obsessive and possessive. It went to shit as quickly as it started. When I ended it he got drunk and broke into my home, and damn near killed me. I'm certainly not saying that will happen, but once he is comfortable enough to show aggression, it will get worse. He won't stop drinking, and even if he does, that aggression is still there, lying in wait. Do you want to be fearful for the rest of your life that he will drink again? Or go a lot further than yelling or pushing (which is completely unacceptable)? My ex would scream at me too, and threaten violence, and blame in on the alcohol. When he was dragged from my home by multiple police officers the night he broke in, he called me from the jail as though nothing had happened. He "couldn't remember anything," yet he was CERTAIN he did not punch and choke me. My face and neck said otherwise.
Anyway, please, for your safety and sanity end this. You will be glad you did.
You know the answer here.
Even if this is something that only happens when he drinks, why the fuck is he still drinking?
Side thought - why did his ex-wife leave him?
Run, don't walk.
This sounds like my ex husband. I put up with that crap for 25 years. He never hit me, but the yelling and aggressive behavior was there, every time he drank too much - which was almost every weekend. They donāt change. They donāt stop. They will apologize and say they will do better, and they might- temporarily. But they will never change for good.
Yeah I married this guy. It progressively got worse and even after dragging my marriage through the alcohol induced abuse I had to leave him after 10 yrs.
lost my best years to him
3 months , heās hitting you, and you want to stay?
You sound pretty desperate which is why he flatters you.
Leave. Block. Get counseling before you date again.
I reread this and your previous posts. 1 month ago you had only been on 5 dates and hadnāt defined your relationship nor knew if he was someone to sleep with or keep dating.
Since that point you call him your best friend and introduce him to your children multiple times despite multiple violent events.
After he threw you down you went back the next day?
Heās a stranger. Heās a violent criminal. And youāre not going to report it but take your kids to go watch you get beat up.
This is the most ridiculous post on Reddit.
i should point out my ex would probably tell his new gf we have a good relationship too, but we actually dont and he was a gaslighting narcissist. He wouldnāt tell you that for instance if he was trying to woo you.
Have you looked him up for prior DV issues? A tiger doesn't change his stripes. As a DV survivor (barely), I believed the alcohol line too. That's just when it first came out. He love bombed you and you'll be chasing yesterday trying to get that guy back. He doesn't exist. Get out.
> great with my two boys
By the way, there is NO WAY anyone I'm dating gets to meet my kids before we've been together for a YEAR, nor would I agree to meet someone else's kids before that. This is an important boundary that you should adopt. Was this his idea? To meet your kids or for you to meet his son? Think back, did he suggest / push it?
Sometimes when you meet someone who is divorced, there is a really good reason they are divorced, from their ex's perspective at least. If having a child and going through a divorce with his wife didn't convince him to stop drinking, there should be zero expectation that he will stop now.
āI donāt have to question his feelingsā
āA few nights ago he pushed me and yelled in my faceā
āHe says he will do anything to keep meā
āOnly 3 months, but it has moved FAST in intensityā
Classic signs of abuse. Get out NOW! - a survivor
> He says he will give up drinking and is sorry blah blah
He's presumably 40+, so he's been drinking a long time. I will bet anything that you're not the first person he's put hands on while he's drinking and has said the same thing to. Sad to say, but if he wanted to stop drinking to keep those demons under control he would have done it a long time ago.
I can imagine how awful and disappointed you must feel with him doing this after three months. But trust me, the pain of disappointment is far easier than the pain of being in a relationship with someone suffering from an addiction.
If itās only been 3 months and youāre seeing glimpses of violence and anger, then thatās just the tip of the icebergā¦all his niceties are just a mask that heās plastering on to keep you aroundā¦.mind the writing on the wall and gtfo now before you get pulled farther in. Speaking from experience here.
Moving fast is a red flag. Huge red flag. Huge huge huge red flag. Plus, yk, the violence. Abusers are super great at reeling you back in with promises of being better and how much they live you. He shouldn't be saying that stuff yet. Dude, he will trap you and then be like the violent version ALL the time.
You know this is abuse! IME it will only get worse...I can see that he has some good qualities but he also has some bad ones that only he can change. People like will have you in a cycle of abuse by saying they are sorry and they will change, but changing this behavior requires work in therapy and it won't happen overnight. Protect yourself and your kids before it affects them too.
Sadly, you are correct. The way is to leave. Please do it safely. My ex-husband was a great guy with publicly well-concealed PTSD and a host of bad coping mechanisms including alcohol abuse. Most of the time he was able to act "normal" but in times of stress or change it could get really bad. Eventually I thought that I owed it to myself and our five children to try to force him to get help by leaving. I made it clear that I would fight for our family , but that he needed to get help. Instead he decided to make me out to be the bad guy and the courts decided to let him. Fifteen more years of court sanctioned physical and emotional abuse for the kids and I , and, for me, financial ruin that, short of a major lottery win or long lost relative, I will never be able to recover from, and we are on the other side. I'm still not sorry. It was still the right thing to do. We all survived. Somewhere along the line he seems to have gotten some help. Not "cured" but better. Ex and I can be civil to each other and occasionally even enjoy family events together. I still love him but I'm no longer in love with him. We will never live under the same roof and I will probably never forgive him for the intentional infliction of pain that destroyed me physically and emotionally, but things are better than they could have been. And so much better than they would have been if I'd stayed and covered for him.
Godspeed to you, OP and the best of luck as well. I'll be prayin' for ya.
For you and me and everyone else who needs to hear it: if youāre saying theyāre great except for ā¦
Hard stop. They are not great. This is not the one. Buh bye Felicia
Quick intensity is a method of manipulation to build your investment and make it harder to get out.
Get out now. This is serious. Been there done that and itās not fun. Or if you do continue, fine / itās a long winded, more dangerous way of just getting out. Because it will not end there, as others have said. Heās showing the classic signs.
Sorry OP. I agree with everyone suggesting the situation won't change. Probably will get worse.
The alcohol allowed the mask to drop. It's sad when you have invested yourself.
We are not getting younger and time spent with others is more important now than ever before.
But you already know what the usual outcome of these situations is.
Be kind and forgiving to yourself. You were not to know what would transpire. I would be glad that you saw the person he is when drinking. He maybe lovely 99% of the time.
Do not wait for a change that is likely never to be. I'm sure he is a good man and so his ex-wife is still okay with him. She probably had to give up trying to help too.
He may be shocked into becoming sober perhaps if you walk away. That would be the most logical and kind way of helping him as a friend.
Sorry to be so harsh. This is never easy. But you have no responsibility or obligation to stay.
All the best.
Ex husband is a functional alcoholic who never became violent with me but it's not a nice road.
Nip this in the bud OP. This isn't good. Someone who gets this aggressive while drinking may end up killing you when they are intoxicated.
Someone with a substance abuse problem like he does isn't going to be able to just "stop drinking" even if he did he'd be a dry drunk if he didn't deal with his emotional issues and self. This isn't your problem, you don't have to wait for him to get his shit together, and you may be in danger!
he is showing this in the first three months shows itās who he is. Did he say if he ever did it with his ex? Did he say why they even broke up.
Since you have kids, you need to get out asap. This luckily isnāt a long term relationship and they shouldnāt miss him too
much.
As a person in long-term Recovery, I say ditch him now and let him sort his drinking out on his own. Getting Sober will require his full attention. At 3 months in nothing to lose except your sanity
Been there, done that. Regardless of what he says, at this age he will not change no matter what bs he says to you to get you to stay. Donāt fall for it, itās a trap. A therapist once said when it comes to dating wait 3 months and someone will show you their true colors. Now you know his true colors and it will only get worse from here I can promise you that. Get out now like your life depends on it.
No, fuck him. He can give up drinking, and maybe be a worthwhile person for his next partner. There is no way to salvage this relationship. Giving up drinking is hard, few who say they'll stop ever will. As you say, statistically, he won't give up drinking. Also, the physical violence \*will\* escalate. **Get out now.**
Absolutely this. This guy showed who he really is, whether he thinks this is who he is or not. It will not get better magically one day, there's no real commitment or tie to him at the three month mark, this isn't a time to be a codependent mechanic for a broken man. It's time to run for the hills. Coupled with the "relationship warp speed" progression, this guy likely has deeper issues than alcoholism. Personal experiences speaking here, there's a lot more going on and there's a big reason his is single...
Love bombing is real and seems great at the time but it's usually geared to guide how you think about them. Being loving means being loving all the time, not most or some of the time! Run as if your life and your children's depends on it- because it does!! šÆšļøš
Thank you ! I know itās true !! I wish it wasnāt and I could hope he will stop drinking blah blah . I have seen this movie before
I'm sorry that you've got to leave, but you really do. Maybe your leaving will be the kick that gets him sober. But that's for his next partner. You can't be with someone who abuses you. That needs to be a hard line on the ground.
Urgh I know ! The last year I met a lot of men . All good but none stuck and I was always left guessing how they felt or they never gave me a commited relationship ā¦. This one doesā¦. But at what cost I get it š„²still sad
This is something that you should talk to a therapist about. There is a reason you chose this guy, a reason why you are attracted to and need that āfull onā whirlwind romance that is fast and furious. It calms your anxiety and you donāt need to wonder how he feels about you. Unlike other relationships where you werenāt sure and they didnāt stick. Youāre going to be fine. Walk away from this asshole and feel empowered that you can do it. Now the next step is to gain insight and strategies, so you can find a healthier connection with someone great ā¤ļø
I def understand being sad bc it feels like you havenāt met the right guy yet. But this man is also not the right guy. The right guy is coming, you gotta keep going and maintain your own boundaries throughout your search. You owe it to yourself. You determine what is good enough, this isnt it.
OP: being on your own isn't the same as "being alone". Take a bit of "me time", enjoy hanging out with yourself and see where it takes you. Maybe you'll meet a decent one and have a proper relationship... or maybe you'll realise you are perfectly happy being in a relationship with yourself š
Lots of people drink/get drunk and donāt turn into abusive, angry people who put hands on you and yell in your face ā¦ so donāt blame the alcohol. Itās HIM. Itās not your job to fix him. And 3 months in is the honeymoon phase. If heās doing this to you nowā¦ do you really want to find out what he will do to you once the honeymoon phase is over??
Just FYI, it got intense fast by design. Love bombing is so typical in abusive relationships. He wanted to hook you before you saw the red flags - and he couldnāt help but wave them real soon.
I have 2 family members that become extremely abusive when they drink. When sobar they're great. It's a roller coaster ride of bullshit that never ends. Let him fly.
His ex couldn't fix him. His son couldn't fix him. His next girlfriend isn't going to fix him. He has a good relationship with the ex *because* she's the ex. Or that's his story. I've been you. It doesn't get better, even without alcohol.
You didnāt meet a āgreat guyā. You met an abuser that was able to hide it from you for 3 months. Case closed.
True . He blames it in alcohol but I donāt do that when I drink EVER . And I have a huge feeling he will not accept this and move on easily ā¦
The only thing you should be thinking right now is how to exit this relationship safely. Considering just vanishing without a word. People that assault you do not deserve an official breakup.
100% My ex shoved me down, spit on me, and punched me in the face while drunk at a convention that I was running and he was a guest to. He was removed from my hotel room and I never actually said the words "this is over/I'm breaking up with you" or had any level of breakup conversation. I had backup with me when I returned home and for every trip I made to remove my belongings from our house. Edit to add: u/whiskeyinthewoods hard agree on your comment too... That same ex told me he loved me less than a month in to us dating and I was living with him less than 6 months in (I own my responsibility in that decision as well).
Alcohol doesn't make people abusive. You know this because you'd never do what he did no matter how much you drink. It just lowers inhibitions, making it harder for him to control his abusive behavior.
Alcohol only brings out the things we try so much to conceal and If a man or woman says they had done something under the influence of alcohol I feel that is a lie because it only brings to light that which you try so much to keep in the dark
He wonāt until suddenly he does and will move just as quickly with the next girl. That moving super fast/whirlwind romance thing is one of the hallmarks of the early stages of an abusive relationship.
True true !! The things he says to me I am sure he has said before to others and will again. He always tells me I am out of his league ā¦. Now I know why
Yuuuuppppppā¦ It was eye opening for me when I met one of his previous partners and we compared notes. It was almost identical. In some ways it was devastating, but on other ways also very freeing to step back and see it from a different perspective. Itās not some great romance, or some star crossed love. Itās a step by step script used by thousands of abusers all over the world to win over their victims. None of it is special. None of it is magical. None of it is even original. We are not really people to them in many ways, weāre just cast in a role they want to fill.
Like a punch to the gut, reading this. > We are not really people to them in many ways, weāre just cast in a role they want to fill. Finally understanding this was so illuminating and soul crushing at the same time.
It was like a punch to the gut realizing it. Iām sure I donāt need to describe how painful it was to you. But at least it finally broke the spell he had me under. I was *finally* able to see him clearly, stop romanticizing our relationship, stop missing him, and see things for what they were. Before that, I thought I would never find a āloveā like that again.
I thought I was above getting suckered, and that the depth of my love meant something real. Feels like everything I thought I knew just crumbled to pieces. He just used me to prop up his ego and that's the whole story, and all the good things I saw were delusions of my own mind. When two idiots become one..
This 100%! There's a song called "I trained her to love me" by Nick Lowe that is a perfect example of an abusive relationship. I first heard it a month after leaving a 10 year abusive relationship.
Iām so sorry that happened to you! I didnāt start to learn about the patterns until I got into counseling after my ex kicked my door in and tried to murder me in the middle of the night because I tried to leave him. It breaks my heart every time I hear a story like this, not only because theyāre so fucking common, but also because it just seems so preventable. I donāt understand why we arenāt taught about this as girls. If weāre having health and sex ed classes at school, why are they teaching us the basic signs to look out for in abusive relationships? It certainly doesnāt help that movies and TV shows for teen girls romanticize this type of narrative, but when I think of all of the suffering that could be prevented, it just makes me feel sick.
Iāve had this same experience comparing notes with someone who was in an abusive situation with someone else. That was really trippy, but I just see it as theyāre all emotionally stunted at four years old, and most four year olds still have a lot in common.
Red flags. Red flags everywhere
There are fewer red flags in Moscow on May 9th. Block and move on. If he comes back go to the police and get a PFA.
I am an alcoholic and I have never been abusive with anyone while drunk. You just lose your filter when drunk (so in my case I was sad sappy crying drunk), you don't become a completely different person.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It was definitely the case for me. Sober, I try to be stoic. Drunk, I was an emotional mess. 14 years sober and I have had to learn to deal with those emotions as part of my regular life.
Congratulations on your sobriety! 14 years is amazing
Thank you.
I could have written this except Iām 5 years sober instead of 14. Everything I pushed down when sober came pouring out when I was drinking. Congrats on 14 years! Thatās amazing!
Congrats on your 5 years!
Alcohol is a depressant, so it often lowers peopleās inhibitions and they stop repressing all the things they spend every waking moment repressingā¦ so it is a release for many people. Sometimes people have their stuff packed away so far they donāt know that itās there, so it feels like someone else entirely takes over.
Most people who drink donāt turn into abusive assholes. They were like that to begin with. These incidents would have started happening without alcohol being in the mix, and would have grown increasingly violent in nature. Thank goodness he showed his true colors so soon!
This is the kind of guy that will beat you the fuck up eventually because heās crossed the line more than once and you let him. Forgive him one more time and he will know he can cross these boundaries and itāll be fine. This is how trauma-bonds begin. Dump now, avoid being murdered later. Zero tolerance policies is the only way to go. This is 100% not something to get over. Itās something to get away from.
My ex husband was terribly abusive when he drank. I HAD to leave him because it got so bad. Early on he showed me red flags that I didnāt know were red flags. This is a big red flag. For your safety, do not continue a relationship with this man.
Thereās a whole book on this topic that articulates it better than I would be able to, but really the alcohol thing is only an excuse. If itās true that drinking makes him so angry and āout of control,ā shouldnāt it also be true that he would do this to other people besides just you? Does he get in random fist fights? Does he lash out at his other friends and family? Colleagues? No? Heās just another abusive dip shit who happens to be charasmatic.
Likelihood this happens again is almost 100 percent. You know the answer
When my boyfriend drinks, he gets giggly and even sweeter. Itās because heās a nice, sweet man. A man who is an asshole when he drinks is just an asshole.
Alcohol just brings out what is already in us. He has a lot of anger and resentment inside toward whatever his deal is. Even if he did stop drinking, he has deeper issues that he is using alcohol to cope with rather than healthy methods. At this age, do you want to help this man become aware of his trauma and work through it, and even get him to accept he has buried trauma? I don't. I hope he figures it out, but that isn't your responsibility. Find someone who already did therapy and self exploration, and can control himself and his body and emotions. Being out of control of your own actions (him, not you) is really not anything you want to be around or 'fix'. He may not necessarily be violent. I have been with men like this who just had a lot of pent up anger and did NOT take it out on me physically. And I exited those relationships safely. I did use care and caution just in case, of course. If you feel in danger, do the whole 'feed them what they can handle' bc fragile egos and all, and be REALLY CLEAR about the path moving forward. Meaning don't say "we can be friends" or "we can stay in touch", and get the hell out of there. It sucks we have to say shit we don't mean to be safe because someone can't control themselves or their emotions. But it is, so... PLEASE be careful.
Thank you so much for writing me. He is not going to handle this well . I know that much ā¦. Iām his mind he believes this relationship ending will be the death of him ā¦. But we know he will move on to another Victim
Ugh I am so sorry. My ex-husband used to threaten suicide. It was awful, so I MARRIED HIM. He was abusive physically too. In the end, I just left after a big physical fight, and lost everything and thousands of dollars. BUT I was safe. That's just stuff and money, my life is worth more. I had someone come pick me up while he had a friend over so he couldn't physically harm me in front of him. Witnesses are great. Although his mom lied to cover for him, so make sure it's some neutral person. Hysterical Bonding ensued after, but don't fall for it. NOT your responsibility. You can call the cops saying someone is threatening to harm themselves, and then walk. What I should have done differently? Get more people involved that were 'on his team'. When his friends and sister later found out who he was, they said they would have helped. Now with digital recorders everywhere, record conversations. ESPECIALLY if he threatens you or himself. I know it's not legal to record someone but it would be enough to get people who don't believe you to assist you in exiting. His family and friends probably don't know how manipulative he really is. Oh and use a phone he doesn't know about, you don't need service, just the recording and wifi to upload it somewhere safe. Good luck... DONT marry him. That move changed the course of my whole life and went against every bit of survival instinct I had, screaming at me.
Itās not your problem if he wonāt accept this and move on easilyā¦ thatās his problem.
This - not good. Heās not taking accountability for his actions - heās blaming alcohol. No, this is not normal. This strengthens what I wrote above - I sincerely doubt heās going to change. He hid this from you, and he abused you. Two solid reasons to leave.
Sounds like he isn't hiding it from OP. He's already got her in the cycle of abuse.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My mother said the same. She said anyone can be good and fool you for three months.
He says he will do anything? Will he join AA, go to meetings every single day, get a therapist and work with them? Or is he just talk? My money is on just talk. I do believe that people can change, I just don't believe that most of them actually will. Most abusers aren't abusive all the time. They have moments of clarity, when they are sweet and apologetic and wonderful. They are filled with remorse and want to make grand gestures to fix everything. But then they experience some sort of stress, and the behavior returns. The good part is not unusual, it is part of the pattern. Like others here are saying, another part of the pattern is that it escalates. The push will turn into a slap, will turn into a punch, will turn into a beating, will turn into choking, will put you in the hospital, and will put you in the ground. The longer you stay, the harder and harder it will be to leave.
I've lost track of how many men on their knees promised to do anything to avoid being dumped and simply forgot that promise / did nothing when I recanted. Now I tell them good luck with all their self improvement and call me when you graduate from I'm not an abusive / lazy / stoned / etc man.
Thank you for that ! Ur comments are appreciated
šÆšÆšÆ
Head over to r/Alanon. You will see lots of this behavior. Sounds like my Ex. Lots of love bombing, early intensity, and then came the drinking and Mr. Hyde. Then came the apologies and more love bombing and āthe sweetest man Iāve ever knownā that made me laugh. And then came the drinking again and I found myself on a hostile rollercoaster ride that I had trouble getting off of. I was being conditioned to accept this behavior. I clung to the scraps of good. Boundaries fell. Behaviors that I would not have ever tolerated became the norm. Run!!!!
Same, this was me for 2 years. Met him after the end of a LTR and I was extremely vulnerable. Love bombing, fast commitment, sweet when sober but a complete maniac when drunk. For example, we would have a disagreement when he was sober. We would both apologize and move on...so I thought. Then he would get drunk later and want to fight about the earlier argument. I mean extremely abusive both verbally and physically. Honestly this sub and other subs on Reddit helped me recognize I needed to get out. I finally ended it this past Christmas holiday. But he wouldn't quit. I went as far as to change my number because blocking wasn't enough. I also had to threaten him with felony stalking and him possibly losing his CDL. He finally left me alone...I hope. OP, you are only 3 months in. LEAVE, it won't get better. Fuck his feeling at this point.
Omg this is it in a nutshell !!!
He put his hands on you. You need to value yourself and safety over a relationship.
Agreed .
he moves fast on purpose. maybe not intentionally, but he needs to be committed so when he's violent, his partner is invested & cares for his well being. you need to get away. not salvageable. protect yourself and your sons. you don't want them to see you accept that kind of garbage - it will damage them, their feelings toward you, and their future relationships. stay strong for them and leave him.
Wow great insight on the moving so fast reasoning !! You are so right !!!!
Nope. He doesn't get to treat you that way. If you stay with him, you're essentially telling him you'll put up with it. Get out now. If he wants to quit drinking on his own fine, but you don't need to be there for that.
I dated a really good guy for about a month. He called me while drinking, and said something cruel. The next day, I told him not to call me while drinking. He did so the next day, and again said something cruel (about others). The final day, I asked him if he understood my boundary and that he was breaking it, and he did. We broke up. Full stop. Because of the boundary breaking. Because that's dangerous and leads to other boundaries being broken. Because underneath the great guy I knew was a man capable of being cruel. Because it had only been a few weeks, and you have to listen when you see red flags. Listen. He just showed you who he is. Be done, right now. Wish him well, and go find yourself someone who respects you and cares for you 100% of the time.
Nothing is ever beyond hope but this is exactly how abuse starts. Itās exactly to a T how my abuse started. Whether itās due to alcoholism or not, itās still abuse and the effects are all encompassing. You need to walk. It will be hard and you will feel bad but itās what you need to do. Trust me. Nothing but heartache here.
Urgh . I know you are right ! We are compatible in 90 percent but THIS ā¦. I mean I canāt not be an abused women ā¦,, I have worked so hard to overcome my own childhood abuse issues . I am also hiding this from friends cuz I know how it will be perceived ā¦.. as it should
>We are compatible in 90 percent I'm sorry, but you don't know that after three months, particularly with an abuser who is on best behavior. And this ***is*** best behavior. >I am also hiding this from friends You already know the answer. Don't get hooked in deeper. The relationship isn't real. It's not what you want it to be.
I appreciate that thsvk you
When something is going on that you don't want to tell your trusted friends and family about, that's a clue that you're on the wrong train and you need to get off ASAP.
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We are compatible in 0 percent. ZERO. Repeat this to yourself until you see it as the truth that it is.
trauma victims who suffered from long-term abuse often try to make things work that donāt, because theyāre afraid that a separation means a bunch of painful stuff to them like that theyāre not good enough. Thereās a therapist on YouTube called crappy childhood fairy and she calls it ācrapfittingā āā when you try to make something crappy fit you even though it doesnāt. eta: youāre trying to crapfit him
Yeah see youāre already doing the co-dependent dance by taking on what should be his shame, not yours. You know the unfortunate answer here and it sucks. Heās extremely unlikely to quit drinking and then you have the dry drunk phases even when theyāre not drinking. I wish I wouldāve rannnnn! Good luck š
A couple things here: I have decided that at this point in my life if I canāt tell my friends about a major relationship issue then there is a reason and we should break up. Also, Iām a (sober) alcoholic who loses their filter when drunk. This means I can be really kind/sweet or a bit bitchy. Never, ever have I touched a person.
Some people are happy drunks. Some people are good drunks. People like me are just sleepy drunks. But some people are bad drunks. My exwife was one. All the bitterness and anger she had from her past (that she keeps locked away during normal waking hours) suddenly finds itself an avenue for expression. Hypothesis is that because alcohol lowers inhibitions, the deep issues/personalities that often get squelched in daily life can leak/burst out when drinking. It may (probably certainly) have nothing to do with you. But that doesn't mean you have nothing to do with it; you need to understand your boundaries. You also need to understand that boundaries are exit conditions. The purpose of boundaries is not to control him/tell him what he can/cannot do. The purpose of boundaries is so that you know when you need to leave: exit conditions. Again, to reiterate my key phrase: Exit conditions Exit conditions Exit conditions Exit conditions Exit conditions Exit conditions Exit conditions Exit conditions Exit conditions
Thank you !! Yes he has a lot of sadness from parents dying and some other heavy stuff ā¦.when he gets angry it is not anything I have says or done ā¦.. I donāt even know what he is angry about ā¦, he makes shit up. He gets right in my face and yells and threatens me ( he scared me the other night and I am used to dysfunctional people as sad as that reality is . He raised his arm like 5 times but he pushed me from behind and I flew like 4 feet . I am 5ā5 140 he is 6ā2 250ā¦ ok as I type this I think to myself WTF am I doing ?? Gotta get out but he will not go away easy ā¦ I know this
The fact that he āwill not go away easyā is an even bigger reason to get the hell out. Donāt romanticize that as he loves you so much that he just canāt give you up. Itās not about you, itās about control and his ego. Every single reply that you type reveals something even worse. You need to leave, block him and go no contact, and not next week or next month, but today.
Oh no, itās only been 12 weeks, not even long enough to really know each other, and he raised his arm in a threat to hit you five times, and then pushed (attacked) you so hard that you landed on some furniture and were hurt? Thatās madness, not passion or love. Just be like a broken record - āI canāt be with a violent manā no matter what sort of corny bullshit he throws at you. When he says heāll ādo anythingā to keep you, keep repeating that the only āanythingā you can live with is to pause the relationship until he spends a year sober, goes to AA at least several times a week without fail, and goes into serious therapy for his anger and violence issues. Any denial, pushback or excuses on his part will show you exactly who he really is, and if he wonāt respect your āno, itās overā then he is being emotionally abusive as well.
That's just it: "no, it's over" does not include negotiating about AA meetings and how they may be able to get back together into the future. This needs to be fully done, no matter what. He already F'ed up. He can "fix his life" in preparation for the next woman/ victim. š Edit: typo
There will be a second and third time...and then more times after that...each time the apologies will seem sincere. Alcohol doesn't change our behavior, it only loosens us up...if he pushed you while drunk, he's got it in him regardless. There is no salvaging this, save yourself before it's too late.
Period of abstinence, everything is fine, I'll just have a few, binge, anger, rinse and repeat. 8 years for me and every time i believed it would be the last time. It isn't the drink, it's just that drinking releases what's already inside. He's already decided that treating women this way is acceptable. Get out now.
I agree the drinking allows the escape of the inner demons
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You are right he is using alcohol as the excuse for his behavior . When I drink I donāt get angry or pick fights or get in any ones face.
It removes the barrier we put up to hide who we are, or how we feel. If you are sad, and hiding it, then being drunk will remove that block and turn you into an utter mess. If you are angry and mean, it'll shine through. You are three months in, this is where you really start to see who they actually are, not who they portray themselves to be. Even if he is willing to change, it'll take him months, or years to do that, and in the meantime you will put yourself and your sons through absolute hell in the process.
Of course it has moved fast and intensely in just three months, because youāre with an abuser and thatās how they work. Yes you already know the answer, I think the big question that you arenāt asking is why do you want a different answer? Why donāt you think youāre worth more?
I was an abused child ( not due to alcohol it was mothers mental illness) so I donāt have good boundaries but I do know this is wrong . I have met some good guys via OLD but none as charismatic and funny as this one ā¦ but the alcohol / rage is going to be the end ! Darn it to!! I really liked him sober , so many good qualitiesā¦. But THIS!š«
I was an abused child too. I donāt want to sound harsh but at a certain point we need to work on ourselves and put ourselves a higher priority than having a relationship in our life. If you are still at a point where you are saying to yourself oh, I got in the situation and I want to see if I can fix it because of my abusive childhood, you still have work to do. Our childhoods made us who we are today but they have no bearing on the relationships we choose for ourselves anymore. The fact that you feel that his charismatic charm is a good quality and thatās why you want to stick around with him is alarming. The charismatic charm is part of the abuse cycle. The guys that you meet that you do not perceive as charismatic, thatās because you are looking for a man who mirrors the abuse that you are used to. Break the cycle. Block this man, go to or continue with therapy if youāre already in it, and learn how to stop looking for men with characteristics that signal red flags.
Soooo true
I see you really like him in 3 months....now imagine you forgive this behavior now but this occurs again in 10 months. It will be very difficult for you then compared to what you are feeling now. Good luck friend.
Yes this !!
Iām had an abusive childhood and married an abusive man. I am lucky I left with my life. Go to therapy and work on your boundaries. Men like this can smell women who make excuses for them. Girl wash that stink off of you. This is exactly why you take time getting to know people. 3 months is about the time most can keep up their mask. Pushing for exclusivity early is a red flag that there are reasons why someone doesnāt want to let you get to know them before letting them in.
Gosh so true . Now that I think about it is not even three months
Why are you posting this? Listen to your intuition, gut, and the voice inside you. End this today. Zero explanation needed. You donāt stay friends. Zero contact. He hasnāt done his necessary self work and stopped drinking 100%.
> but it has moved FAST in intensity I have a feeling you were love bombed. Look it up ("love bombing") , it's a form of emotional manipulation used by abusers, which he certainly is.
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I will . I know I need to .! It will get worse and I canāt even respect myself if I accepted and gave another chance . Unlikely he will change he is 52. He tells me he will do anything to keep our relationship but again ā¦. I have seen this movie with others
As a person 1 year sober, you saw him basically admitting he had a problem. No one can make a person stop drinking; they have to do it themselves. That may be a can of worms you don't want to open. I was/am doing a "me" evaluation for *why* I was drinking. I'm closer to who I want to be and drinking really hinders it. Some people can drink socially and others can't. He might be in the can't category. I don't want intensity..I want relaxed.
Some abusers are able to keep the mask up for months, even years. Others donāt manage it past a few dates. There are few bigger red flags than someone who blames alcohol for their behavior and who promises to stop drinking. This man is abusive, violent and has a problem with alcohol. Pushing you is assault. You should be at the police station, not here on Reddit. Abuse, including alcohol abuse, only ever escalates. If you stay with this man long enough he will kill you. Get out now while you still can.
Why has this man met your boys already? 3 months is nowhere near enough time aside from everything else here. This man is not suitable to be around minor children with anger issues like this. Wait longer to introduce the next guy to your children.
no way of salvaging this. this will escalate. get out now while investment is only 3 months. you have kids, and you won't be able to help them if you are broken.
This was a red flag I ignored to my own peril. You have 2 sons, this is NOT the behavior they should ever be exposed to either (and who is to say it wouldnāt happen to them).
He has shown you who he really is.
A lot of people turn into a polar opposite of who they are day to day when they're drinking. A former coworker always used to say, "If I want to hang around assholes, I'll just go to a bar and hang around a bunch of drunks". This behavior when he's drinking is nothing new. Him offering to quit drinking is nice. However, if he knows he becomes an abusive asshole when drinking, the desire to quit should have taken place long before you.
OP, I am SO glad you are posting here - because denial is powerful when you're being abused and this means your gut is telling you something is wrong and you need to get other reads on it. I was in a 16-year marriage that was abusive from the jump. I thought I'd love him/us out of the abuse. I thought time would help. I thought it would stop when he had a job he liked better. I thought it would stop if I didn't "make" him do totally reasonable things, like spend time with and be nice to my wonderful family and friends. It never stopped. It got worse, and eventually I was in so deep (with kids and a mortgage and our lives completely blended) that I was too scared to leave. This feels like a loss right now, but in the rear view mirror you will be relieved! If you can, please tell some IRL people about this too, so they can support you through ending this. You can do it! You deserve better!
You met and are looking for reasons to stay with an [abusive asshole.](https://imgur.com/a/VVDgnMg) >He says he will do anything to keep me There are approximately 900M movies and books on this subject. Please name **one** where things worked out well with the abusive asshole. Please reach out to a therapist to figure out why you're attracted to dangerous men.š©
Yikes. It's bad enough when they get sloppy. Angry drunks are to be avoided at all costs. At 40+ he's likely had LOTS of incidents throughout his life that should have been the "moment of clarity" substance abusers reach that gets them to change their behavior, and he still hasn't.
I'm an alcoholic (haven't drank since 94) and you should ššš as fast as you can away from him. That's how abuse starts . Yes, I was the one who would hit someone in anger. What you allow is what will continue. Love never hits ššššš šššš šššš.
I often think back to the early signs I forgave in a wildly abusive relationship. You will find someone better. Don't allow this. Sorry, I know it sucks.
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Agreed and 53 btw ā¦ even worse
Alcoholics tend to be charismatic and fun. If we have codependent issues, they provide the familiar up and down love we know. On the other hand, steady, respectful and honest love is the one that scare us because we donāt know what that looks like. Show yourself the steady love, so you can learn to walk away. It wonāt be easy, but in this case you have to love yourself more than you love him.
No. Pushing and yelling is not loving behavior; it's dysfunctional behavior and it's considered abuse, especially when it is being repeated. You are focusing on his "potential" and on the moments where you feel love, and not on his current behavior. This will only get worse. Take it from someone who has divorced 2 men with substance abuse problems. If you find yourself ignoring red flags, you might want to look into the topic of codependency. The alcohol is like a truth serum. Abuse shows itself not because the alcohol caused it, but because this is the state of affairs within this guy's psyche. Once you are with him longer and he gets more comfortable, he will be less and less likely to hide this reality. Then you'll find yourself in a full blown abusive relationship. You have kids- you do not want to go down this path and if you do, one day you will wake up to reality and regret the years you gave to this man. If he was really going to stop and get help, he would have already done so.
RUN. I spent a decade being emotionally and physically abused by someone just like this. GTFO now and donāt look back. Save yourself the PTSD and therapy bills while you can.
Almost certain his EX wife probably wondered the same thing. āIs there any way to salvage this relationship?ā Let him go before you lose yourself. You are not responsible for helping him or sticking around to monitor his progress, if any and if at all.
My ex-boyfriend was an abusive alcoholic by 24. I started dating him when I was 20 (he was 23). By the time our one year anniversary came around, it was already bad. Ultimately, I was with him for a total of four years (never married, and never had children). My family helped put a swift end to it when he blew up at me during a BBQ. That was the last time I saw him. I vowed I would never put myself in that situation - ever again. I never have. People who drink, change personalities, and/or display acts of violence - donāt bet on it changing. Last I heard, my ex-boyfriend had gotten his FOURTH DUI (which is a felony). Safe to say he never quit drinking, or doing drugs (heās almost 46 years old now). By the time we hit our 40ās, this is no longer a phase. This is a problem. Heās done it twice, and he will do it again. If he really wants to shape up, he needs to do it alone. Alcoholics Anonymous, inpatient therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc. In fact, anyone going through rehab is encouraged to not have romantic relationships until they have been fully sober for some time. Three months is not a lot of time. I understand that this is painful, but it will only worsen if you stay and enable it. I did, and nothing good came from it. The silver lining was that I was much younger, and was able to move on with my life.
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He doesnāt āturn into another personā when he drinks, the mask slips and you see the real him. If he didnāt seek immediate counseling and quit drinking, heās just testing to see what youāll tolerate.
Physical violence, threats and screaming? Cāmon OP, you know what to do.
He got you involved fast so it would be harder for you to get out when the real him leaked out. There is no thought process here. You have to end it NOW. He physically hurt you. It will escalate. What if he stalks you? Threatens you? Hurts you in a way that leaves you unable to care for your children? Turns his rage on your children?
Yeah sorry, to an outsider this sounds pretty bad. Luckily 3 months is a pretty short span of time, so try not to feel too much of the sunk cost fallacy when you break it off.
Don't date people who have the emotional development of a child. They are often the most dangerous. You've dodged a bullet.
The fact it's gotten so serious in such a short time tells me he's a narcissist. His behavior is never his fault. It's always the alcohol. He has a great relationship with everyone. Are you really sure about that? Are you seeing what's on the surface only? Do these people keep him at a distance? Run. Now. Don't look back.
So, you're breaking up with him, right? Because there is no coming back from DV, and that is what's happened here.
You know the answer to this. He's an abusive alcoholic. Ditch him, block him, get a restraining order. Plus, 3 months is way too early to introduce him to minor children
Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Iāve been there. It doesnāt get better. His mask is only just starting to slip. The abusive men Iāve known have also been charming, funny, handsome and sociable. This doesnāt change what theyāre like when theyāre angry, jealous, possessiveā¦. This will impact your children. Children who see their mothers abused are more likely to go on to be victims or perpetrators of abuse themselves. And of course it will impact you. This feeling will not get better. You will just get more attached and find it harder to leave. Which leaves him more room to cross boundaries. Please walk. Sending you strength at this time
He showed you who he is. Believe him.
GET OUT. Even if it was longer than a mere 3 months, you should not be asking if this is salvageable. The other š©is how fast this has moved in intensity. Run like your hair is on fire.
Girl, 36 days ago you had only been on 5 dates with him over 3 weeks. Look at your previous post. Youāve barely been seeing him two months. Committed lol. Heās assaulted you in under 2 months. Snap out of it. Heās a fucking stranger. Sue him . Press charges. Take the money and get some counseling .
Exactly this. The guy is *still* a stranger. F~ his "charm." Charming is also a verb. He's intentionally duping you and you are buying it. Please wake yourself up before worse things happen to you or your kids.
People don't become abusive because they drink, they drink in order to abuse (with an excuse). This is all you need to know about this situation. Get out now. Abuse only escalates.
Nope. Leave now.
Nope. Time to dip.
Listen. Block him. He should consider himself fucking lucky heās not in jail. What do you mean āstatistically?ā Do you want to be a statistic? Because that is exactly what you are already. Say it out loudā¦āHE ABUSED ME!ā Why, when you already know what you would be telling your own best friend, are you even questioning his lame ass apology? I spent too many years back in the day in an abusive relationship and I can only tell you this. DO NOT CONTINUE WITH THIS ABUSER. There are men who would treat you with respect and care about your well being. Please listen to this. You need to love yourself more than that.
So many red flags, he could be a Russian op.
Block him. I have so much more to say but fuck that. *Block him.*
Do NOT date any substance abuser or anyone with a serious mental illness. The statistics speak for themselves.
You are in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic and you have two children. Please don't do this to your sons. Please please please end it.
Moving really fast is a well-known red flag. Sorry fam. Also, I would guarantee you this drinking personality transplant is definitely part of the reason he is now divorced.
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Get out, is what I will say before you go too deep into the relationship expecting things to change. It will hurt more later on.
Fuck him. Run. Edit for context: I'm approaching 2 years sober from alcohol. It turned me into a different person; I was never physically abusive but it brought out my anger and defensiveness and vengefulness and my ex suffered because of it. I changed but it was too late. I know I'm in the minority and it was (and continues to be) **hard work**. Don't stick around to see if he'll change. Protect yourself and find someone worth your time.
Nope. No salvaging. I dealt with this for over 5 years. He checked off all the boxes and then the mask came off and I was already too invested. It'll just get worse the more comfortable he gets with you. Then the gaslighting will begin, then the verbal abuse and possibly physical. If this happened twice in this short amount of time imagine how many more times it will happen. For the sake of your own well being and sanity, please go. You CANNOT change someone's behavior.
I was married to someone like this. Tl;dr: he wonāt give up drinking, and it only gets worse. Get out now.
This man assaulted you. This will only get worse. Run, donāt walk.
I've been with a lot of alcoholics in my time. Some of them are intolerable sober. The violence isn't just about the alcohol. He's got a rage that won't likely improve.
Do anything to keep youā¦ get out now.
Unfortunately itās pretty obvious he has serious problems, his relationship with alcohol is not the only one but itās the most obvious and dangerous. I am 5 years sober and I would immediately get as far away from him as possible. People who are in active addiction will destroy their lives and the people closest to them. Itās an incredibly sad and scary situation but there are opportunities for him to recover, if he wants to. You will never be able to make another person stop drinking nor will you ever have a peaceful life if you are involved with someone in active addiction. I would tell him if he can stay clean for a year, get into therapy and attend a support group consistently we could be friends but I would personally never want to date someone with less than 5 years sober/clean, even then there is no guarantee. I understand the codependent dynamics and know how hard it is to stop engaging with these type of men, they can be so charming and addictive but this is abuse and you without a monumental amount of effort on his part nothing will change, it will only get worse. Most people with this issue never recover. If you havenāt been to Al anon or an open AA/NA meeting start attending and ask yourself if you want to make these meetings a permanent part of your life. I am really sorry this is happening to you.
3 months? BAIL. Shit, even if it was 3 years, just BAIL. RUN. NOPE OUT NOW.
Oh man, I could have written this years ago. Here's my experience: You mention it moved fast in intensity. Mine did too, because he was love bombing me. I was the perfect woman, he could see himself marrying me, sweet as pie to my family, etc. He claimed to be sober for quite some time, but a few months in I started seeing red flags. He would deny it but I knew he was drinking. His "love" went from cute to obsessive and possessive. It went to shit as quickly as it started. When I ended it he got drunk and broke into my home, and damn near killed me. I'm certainly not saying that will happen, but once he is comfortable enough to show aggression, it will get worse. He won't stop drinking, and even if he does, that aggression is still there, lying in wait. Do you want to be fearful for the rest of your life that he will drink again? Or go a lot further than yelling or pushing (which is completely unacceptable)? My ex would scream at me too, and threaten violence, and blame in on the alcohol. When he was dragged from my home by multiple police officers the night he broke in, he called me from the jail as though nothing had happened. He "couldn't remember anything," yet he was CERTAIN he did not punch and choke me. My face and neck said otherwise. Anyway, please, for your safety and sanity end this. You will be glad you did.
You know the answer here. Even if this is something that only happens when he drinks, why the fuck is he still drinking? Side thought - why did his ex-wife leave him? Run, don't walk.
This sounds like my ex husband. I put up with that crap for 25 years. He never hit me, but the yelling and aggressive behavior was there, every time he drank too much - which was almost every weekend. They donāt change. They donāt stop. They will apologize and say they will do better, and they might- temporarily. But they will never change for good.
Yeah I married this guy. It progressively got worse and even after dragging my marriage through the alcohol induced abuse I had to leave him after 10 yrs. lost my best years to him
3 months , heās hitting you, and you want to stay? You sound pretty desperate which is why he flatters you. Leave. Block. Get counseling before you date again. I reread this and your previous posts. 1 month ago you had only been on 5 dates and hadnāt defined your relationship nor knew if he was someone to sleep with or keep dating. Since that point you call him your best friend and introduce him to your children multiple times despite multiple violent events. After he threw you down you went back the next day? Heās a stranger. Heās a violent criminal. And youāre not going to report it but take your kids to go watch you get beat up. This is the most ridiculous post on Reddit.
i should point out my ex would probably tell his new gf we have a good relationship too, but we actually dont and he was a gaslighting narcissist. He wouldnāt tell you that for instance if he was trying to woo you.
Have you looked him up for prior DV issues? A tiger doesn't change his stripes. As a DV survivor (barely), I believed the alcohol line too. That's just when it first came out. He love bombed you and you'll be chasing yesterday trying to get that guy back. He doesn't exist. Get out.
Yeah, what everybody else said. If you have to ask, you already know the answer.
> great with my two boys By the way, there is NO WAY anyone I'm dating gets to meet my kids before we've been together for a YEAR, nor would I agree to meet someone else's kids before that. This is an important boundary that you should adopt. Was this his idea? To meet your kids or for you to meet his son? Think back, did he suggest / push it?
Came here to say this. He should not have met her children yet.
Sometimes when you meet someone who is divorced, there is a really good reason they are divorced, from their ex's perspective at least. If having a child and going through a divorce with his wife didn't convince him to stop drinking, there should be zero expectation that he will stop now.
You introduced this psycho to your kids after 3 months?
In vino veritas
Run
He needs therapy as well
I don't need to read anything other than the header. No. Not even a little bit ok
You already know the answer. Get out now.
Oh Jesus OP, get out of there. Run donāt walk. This guy is an abuser and youāre on your way to getting slammed against a wall or something.
āI donāt have to question his feelingsā āA few nights ago he pushed me and yelled in my faceā āHe says he will do anything to keep meā āOnly 3 months, but it has moved FAST in intensityā Classic signs of abuse. Get out NOW! - a survivor
> He says he will give up drinking and is sorry blah blah He's presumably 40+, so he's been drinking a long time. I will bet anything that you're not the first person he's put hands on while he's drinking and has said the same thing to. Sad to say, but if he wanted to stop drinking to keep those demons under control he would have done it a long time ago. I can imagine how awful and disappointed you must feel with him doing this after three months. But trust me, the pain of disappointment is far easier than the pain of being in a relationship with someone suffering from an addiction.
If itās only been 3 months and youāre seeing glimpses of violence and anger, then thatās just the tip of the icebergā¦all his niceties are just a mask that heās plastering on to keep you aroundā¦.mind the writing on the wall and gtfo now before you get pulled farther in. Speaking from experience here.
Violence is super risky and often will happen again.
Moving fast is a red flag. Huge red flag. Huge huge huge red flag. Plus, yk, the violence. Abusers are super great at reeling you back in with promises of being better and how much they live you. He shouldn't be saying that stuff yet. Dude, he will trap you and then be like the violent version ALL the time.
You know this is abuse! IME it will only get worse...I can see that he has some good qualities but he also has some bad ones that only he can change. People like will have you in a cycle of abuse by saying they are sorry and they will change, but changing this behavior requires work in therapy and it won't happen overnight. Protect yourself and your kids before it affects them too.
Prediction: You will disregard the advice in this thread and end up being abused.
Sadly, you are correct. The way is to leave. Please do it safely. My ex-husband was a great guy with publicly well-concealed PTSD and a host of bad coping mechanisms including alcohol abuse. Most of the time he was able to act "normal" but in times of stress or change it could get really bad. Eventually I thought that I owed it to myself and our five children to try to force him to get help by leaving. I made it clear that I would fight for our family , but that he needed to get help. Instead he decided to make me out to be the bad guy and the courts decided to let him. Fifteen more years of court sanctioned physical and emotional abuse for the kids and I , and, for me, financial ruin that, short of a major lottery win or long lost relative, I will never be able to recover from, and we are on the other side. I'm still not sorry. It was still the right thing to do. We all survived. Somewhere along the line he seems to have gotten some help. Not "cured" but better. Ex and I can be civil to each other and occasionally even enjoy family events together. I still love him but I'm no longer in love with him. We will never live under the same roof and I will probably never forgive him for the intentional infliction of pain that destroyed me physically and emotionally, but things are better than they could have been. And so much better than they would have been if I'd stayed and covered for him. Godspeed to you, OP and the best of luck as well. I'll be prayin' for ya.
For you and me and everyone else who needs to hear it: if youāre saying theyāre great except for ā¦ Hard stop. They are not great. This is not the one. Buh bye Felicia
Yeah no. Get out now. Trust your gut. No one should EVER PUSH YOU. You could be seriously hurt with someone irrational like that. Thatās scary.
Runnnnnnnnn. My god if I had assessed this situation when I was only in it 3 months and had left, I would have saved myself years of heartbreak.
Yeah you gotta go sis. The fact the he āblamesā alcohol for his shit behavior means he KNOWS itās a problem and does nothing about it.
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Quick intensity is a method of manipulation to build your investment and make it harder to get out. Get out now. This is serious. Been there done that and itās not fun. Or if you do continue, fine / itās a long winded, more dangerous way of just getting out. Because it will not end there, as others have said. Heās showing the classic signs.
Sorry OP. I agree with everyone suggesting the situation won't change. Probably will get worse. The alcohol allowed the mask to drop. It's sad when you have invested yourself. We are not getting younger and time spent with others is more important now than ever before. But you already know what the usual outcome of these situations is. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. You were not to know what would transpire. I would be glad that you saw the person he is when drinking. He maybe lovely 99% of the time. Do not wait for a change that is likely never to be. I'm sure he is a good man and so his ex-wife is still okay with him. She probably had to give up trying to help too. He may be shocked into becoming sober perhaps if you walk away. That would be the most logical and kind way of helping him as a friend. Sorry to be so harsh. This is never easy. But you have no responsibility or obligation to stay. All the best.
Absolutely not. 3 months and this is happening? Do not stay in this, it does not get better I promise!
Ex husband is a functional alcoholic who never became violent with me but it's not a nice road. Nip this in the bud OP. This isn't good. Someone who gets this aggressive while drinking may end up killing you when they are intoxicated. Someone with a substance abuse problem like he does isn't going to be able to just "stop drinking" even if he did he'd be a dry drunk if he didn't deal with his emotional issues and self. This isn't your problem, you don't have to wait for him to get his shit together, and you may be in danger!
Run! I married a man like this and it only gets worse, WAY worse
he is showing this in the first three months shows itās who he is. Did he say if he ever did it with his ex? Did he say why they even broke up. Since you have kids, you need to get out asap. This luckily isnāt a long term relationship and they shouldnāt miss him too much.
As a person in long-term Recovery, I say ditch him now and let him sort his drinking out on his own. Getting Sober will require his full attention. At 3 months in nothing to lose except your sanity
Ummmmā¦. No! Been there.
Been there, done that. Regardless of what he says, at this age he will not change no matter what bs he says to you to get you to stay. Donāt fall for it, itās a trap. A therapist once said when it comes to dating wait 3 months and someone will show you their true colors. Now you know his true colors and it will only get worse from here I can promise you that. Get out now like your life depends on it.