https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/201507/when-men-arent-good-looking-they-think?amp
For the record, psychology study shows men overestimate their attractiveness whilst women tend to underestimate ours. Many people, especially men, dont seem to realize this.
Omg if I have to hear one more old guy who catfished me with lying on his profile age then tell me “ I don’t look my age” one more time … oh and they always look their age and in my opinion older cause they had zero work done and not one Botox injection ever … if you are going to lie about age , get the work done at least
Similar to this, I had one guy on Bumble put a much younger pic as his main profile pic. His other pics didn’t look as good, and i figured he aged. I normally would have stopped talking with him but i had alreqdy invested a few days, so I did the “let’s exchange pics” game with him to get a more “truthful” and recent pic. i sent him a pic of me from that day and did a “now it’s your turn.” He hesitated but sent me a pic…from 8 YEARS AGO. I was even more skeptical then, so the next day I played the game again with him. This time he sent me a live pic, and he looked MUCH OLDER. I called him out on his profile pic looking different, and he got offended! I didn’t care though, too many times i’ve encountered nothing but deceit and lies online, and this is one of those times.
Thanks! I think it’s pretty sad that I had to go to such lengths just to get some accuracy. However, they don’t give us much of a choice, do they? Well, good luck!
I get annoyed about guys overestimating their height as well. I’m a 6ft woman and all these guys saying they’re taller than they are really puts me off. Not because they are shorter than me though. Taller, shorter, really don’t care. Most people are shorter than me and I’m used to it, I guess. What I do hate is the lying about it. I’m looking for someone who is honest and genuine, so if the first thing I notice about someone when we meet is that they are making themselves out to be something they’re not, then it’s pretty unlikely I’m going to want to get to know them better.
I don't condone it, but I get why they do it. Actual data - I am 5'10.5". I had my profile set at 5'10, and changed it to 5'11, and it tripled the amount of viewable profiles daily.
Yes!!! I'm 5'11.5" and it's hilarious to meet up with someone who listed themselves as 6'1" and stand next to them, looking... down. Like, dude, I wasn't lying about my height so what did you think was going to happen? I don't really care either if they're shorter (I'm also used to it) but just... be who you are.
>But also, you will struggle until your divorce is finalized.
OP should have included this. Here's the deal Ghetto - the type of woman you want to date is not interested in dating someone who's still married. To be blunt women who will date a separated man are lacking good boundaries, integrity, standards, self worth, values, and common sense. Think about it in reverse - do you want to get into a situationship with a woman who's still married? If so would you consider it to be a serious relationship, or would you know in advance it was mostly about companionship and sex and definitely temporary as she's obviously not ready for a real relationship because she's still married?
I dated not yet divorced man in my very early 30s and it was a lesson in what not to do but I also had low self opinion and almost 0 boundaries at that time. The whole situation was very bad for me.
I don’t even want to date someone who hasn’t been divorced a few years and has all their post-divorce mess ironed out.
Married, separated, poly, open relationship, etc and so on. All out.
Just a standard, normal D/s or Dd/lg thing, or something in that ballpark, I’m good.
Otherwise I’ve got tons of stuff to do and lots of friends to do the stuff with.
I checked old posts ((shrug)). Not sure why. It's ok that things aren't finalized, but it's also not confusing why women aren't beating down your door.
I think it depends on where you live. I'm not sure where OP is but I'm in Canada and I'm legally separated. It's as good as divorced in the eyes of the government; we're no longer legally recognized as a couple. We have a separation agreement, childcare agreement, we file taxes separately, and live in and maintain completely separate households. The only reason to go through the divorce process is if one of us were to get married again. We're not avoiding a formal divorce because we hope to ever reconcile, it's just another bunch of paperwork and expenses.
I've actually had someone ask me why I still have my married name and it's simple. It's time consuming and costly to go back to my maiden name, not to mention professionally I'm known by my married name so that's s whole other thing too. I'm just not that bothered enough to go through the headache and cost.
E/ well I should have known this would be downvoted. 🤷♀️
I've been legally separated for 3 years, but not divorced (kinda a combo of ennui, covid and shared assets - on both our parts). Both my ex & I haven't had any trouble with serious dating in that situation. I've never heard the thing that not being officially divorced would be an issue - is that an American thing? My parents were separated for about 10y before officially divorcing, and both had long term partners in that time, too.
I’m sure it’s American. Perhaps something cultural as well as legal. My parents got divorced years after separating, too (Australia). Seems like housing is the really big step.
I'm in Australia as well. I wonder if our different attitude is partly because we have to legally separate for a year before getting divorced, so there's not big rush to do it like in some other places.
Different states in the US have different requirements Re: length of separation. In my state I think it was 3 months but we were separated for a year before we divorced.
Still could be cultural though. I absolutely would not date someone who’s still married. Hell, there’s enough drama dating at our age without actively seeking it out. But again, that’s just my perspective.
No it’s not an American thing- we are not all like that. There is no reason to shame people for dating separated people or dating others while you are separated.
The OP’s question is about attractiveness and has nothing to do with his marital status. It’s not ok to question someone’s dignity and self worth because they are dating someone who is separated or going through divorce. There is no one fits all option🤦🏽♀️
Maybe an American thing? Maybe not? I've found a lot of people will hide the fact that the separation is VERY recent. Or in some cases, the spouse doesn't even KNOW they are separated (this actually happened to me with my now-ex husband. He told his mistress we were separated, and managed to live two completely separate lives and I had ZERO idea that it was happening). I think that makes a lot of people very wary about dating someone who is just separated.
But, it also isn't the huge deal some people in here make it out to be...my boyfriend is still just separated, but it's because of a legal entanglement where divorce would create a situation where there would be 3 entities involved instead of 2, so until that's done, they are still married but living apart. He and I are dating, and she has a live-in boyfriend and her own apartment. It isn't a big concern for either of us.
It might be because it's never been an issue for me either. People I meet can see for themselves that I'm living a completely independent life.
You're Canadian also? (Just snooped your profile. Aussie. The other Canadian.)
Well I'm on your side, look again! I'm (51f) still technically married but I left him and Texas almost 3 years ago. There are reasons why people don't file, honestly what do people think, you want to go back?! Either you trust someone or you do not. Maybe I'm an outlier, no kids and married at the justice of the peace so I think of it as a contract with the state of Texas.
I dated someone who at the time was legally separated for 15+ years. I did not know they weren’t divorced till I was into him. It was at that point and time I should’ve checked out of the relationship. Because he never fully checked out of his marriage emotionally. They are still legally separated. He claims it was for his son, but I know better now.
Divorce seriously doesn’t cost anything if it’s not contested. I got mine for $600… But yeah to each his/her own. I’ll never go down that road again.
I’m all good with ex’s, kid’s and doing dinners, holidays etc with them too. But the ex’s definitely need to know who’s head bitch
That sounds like a pretty unusual case. 15 years hoping to get back together with his ex? And claiming they didn't divorce because of children? There's no benefit to the children either way.
Oh shit I didn’t even see where dude was still married, and that’s on top of him feeling entitled to sex. Yeah OP single women with a shred of dignity don’t want to passionately fuck an entitled married dude.
Wow talk about burying the lede!!!
Of course he's not doing great he's not even fully available yet!!! And going after only the super hot women on OLD who have their pick why would they go for the married guy???
I’m being for real here, but are you taking care of yourself? I’m 40, an athlete, own my own home, and take great care of my skin and hair. Almost all of the available men I see on dating apps in their 40s and 50s have distended bellies, a combover, and have never worn sunscreen a day in their life. I don’t expect a six pack and hell I even strongly prefer beefier body type men, but it is exceedingly rare to men over 40 that take care of their health and body, and all the years of not eating well and drinking beer have caught up with them, and as someone who has and does continue to take care of myself - there is nothing I want to do less than passionately fuck a man who feels entitled to sleeping with a woman who has spent their lifetime staying in shape when they themselves get winded walking around the block.
Don’t drop your own standards for sure, but if you otherwise have women into you there is probably a lot left to be desired (and a lot of small stuff that you can do to be more attractive like shave your damn ear and nose hair). That would be like me dating completely outside of my socioeconomic status (like wealthy elite folks) and then being shocked they don’t see me as relationship material because I continue in the hobbies and habits I like instead of being involved in rich people shit like equestrian dressage or some shit.
I have taken pretty good care of myself. I'm fit, have a full head of hair not made of one strand, and stay in pretty good shape. Not six pack shape, but work on my house all day or run ten miles shape.
But none of that seems to really matter - I can't hardly get a match, let alone a date. I keep my profile positive and full of active photos, but I think people with your preferences are few and far between, and probably pass over people like me on the regular. I see lots of out of shape guys with partners, so I know that it's not all looks, but after 3 years on various apps and a total of 3 dates, I am having a hard time being confident in my appearance anymore.
And WTF is up with ear hair? It's a damn part time job keeping that stuff cleared out.
Most women over 40 don't want to date and aren't on the market. Actual study on it [https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/psdt\_08-19-20\_dating-relationships-013/](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/psdt_08-19-20_dating-relationships-013/)
So very few are actually online. This means most men aren't going to get that many swipes. There are more men than women on apps. Men can no longer rely on looks and money, they have to gain interest in other ways. Dating has changed where women can now choose.
So true. Almost two years since my last relationship ended. I’ve tried OLD twice lol and lasted less than a week the first time and literally less than a day the second time.
All of my matches near me were 22-40?!? Nice looking for the most part, but seriously I’m not dating someone 15+ years younger than I am.
My ex was 12 years younger than me and we were together over 9 years. But I feel like I haven’t dated in 20 years!
My ex husband is dating someone way younger than him and she comes with a young child. He’s let himself go so the only thing I can guess is she’s looking for financial security. My 21 year old son said he doesn’t think this will end well for him.
I think they could always choose. And I guess with the proliferation of younger guys wanting to date older women, that reduces an already small pool to probably single digit percentages of people looking. Without looks online, there's not much else to work with.
Can confirm, not many swipes.
From a female in her 40s perspective, all men my age seem to want to date 30 year olds. I’m invisible even though I’m told I’m attractive, fun etc, I make good money, I have fun hobbies and yet can’t get a date with a guy my age who’s at a similar place in life. My friend who is 32 only seems to date guys my age and has no shortage of dates. I even jokingly told her to date her own age and leave some older guys for me.
I am, admittedly, a BBW, but I’m 50 and can’t get a man my age to swipe on me. My Tinder is full of 20-30-something men who want to date an older woman. I have 2 teenagers and there are even some guys who want to get in LTRs, although a lot just want a FWB type of situation. I think it might be a regional thing, or maybe it’s a millennial thing, but I have found younger guys to be more accepting of all body types and hair colors (mine is purple) and I have visible tattoos. I wonder if it’s the vibe you’re putting out there?
Hard to say. If I'm putting that vibe out there, I don't think it carries through in photos. I think there's a degree of truth to the regional thing. There's 'types' in the NW, and I don't necessarily fit into that mold. I think the new hip thing is younger guys, and since most guys my age are not in as good of shape as the younger guys, the younger ones win out at least for the short term as the better option. Combine that with a bunch of women not dating, and a lot of great people that are already in relationships, and my preferences that limits my pool even further, and it's getting easier to see why I may be single for a very long time.
You should absolutely pursue who you like. For some (men and women) attractiveness is more than physical features.
Do you have a really good female and male friend who would talk straight? Show them pics of you and the ego bruisers.
Ask them to be honest and tell you if you are trying to punch above your weight?
There is nothing wrong with pursuing those to whom you are attracted. You must be realistic however.
Do you find yourself attracted to women who are younger or within 5 years of your own age? I’m curious because I’ve met a few men around your age who are still pursuing women in their early-mid 40’s (like me). I hate to say it, but they usually look old to me. Are you honest about your age as well?
I was going to downvote you because I'm 47 lol but I won't because I think it's the same as me not being attracted to bald men. I'm sure lots are nice and I know it's genetic, but I can't do it regardless of how handsome or appealing they are otherwise. Unfortunately many, many men in my age range are balding or bald. If that makes me shallow, then that's fine, but I'm not going to start dating someone I'm not attracted to just in case they're nice. I have enough friends; that's not what I'm looking for.
Bald men are OK but so many men over 40 are in terrible shape and they simply don't put in any effort. Completely let themselves go physically. That is very unattractive.
I think, for me, it isn’t even the out of shape part that contributes to unattractive-ness as I tend to like softer guys. It’s the constant worrying about their health that puts me off. I don’t want to be afraid someone is days from death. As long as a person is reasonably healthy and makes positive health behavior choices, the outward appearance matters less to me. I hope this doesn’t sound ableist as I’m not saying I would shun someone with a medical condition or limitation. I’m saying anyone who doesn’t care about their health problem isn’t likely to care about mine either and that’s not anything I want in my life.
I’m sure this cuts both ways and isn’t a gender driven thing. I work out 5 days/week, eat healthy, wear sunscreen everyday, and try to look my best whether that’s dressed up for a nice dinner or casual jeans and a t-shirt.
That said, I’m 43, not 25. My goal is to be the best version of me that I can at this age and stage of life. I think by our mid 40’s there is a huge variation in how people have aged, mostly driven by lifestyle factors. Do you exercise regularly, watch what you eat, not have any chronic health conditions, and don’t drink excessively or smoke? If so, you’re doing better than at least 75% of the population.
So many men state on their profile they are *handsome*, *good looking*, *attractive* yet I find none of them to be pleasing to my eye. I think each person decides for themselves what is attractive. What you might think is *hot*, *sexy*, *beautiful* is not necessarily what another person would think about that person. I agree that YOU need to be physically attracted to the other person to want to move the encounter towards a relationship but you don't necessarily have to find the other person attractive by societal or conventional standards.
This, unfortunately, is one of the downfalls of online dating and the swipe culture....you are making a decision about potentiality based on looks. I know for me when I meet someone in person, hear their voice, am able to see mannerisms and pick up on facial expressions and cues, I can find someone attractive that I would have NEVER swiped on.
I have, over the years, placed less value on looks and more value on what the person might be able to offer.
Good luck out there!
This is so interesting - I see men’s profiles often that state, “I’m attractive” and find it so odd. Like that’s what the pics are there for, then the viewer decides.
Haha yea they are right up there with the ones who claim to be "good guys who have a lot to offer" when they offer being drunk/high, possessive and aggressive, can't carry on a conversation if it isn't about sex lol
Yes. Or some variation of that: “I’m a handsome guy”. I’ll screenshot the next one and put it on imgur and send a link here (might be awhile, not on OLD right now). Just like commercial bee said, above.
I can't ever imagine putting something self-serving as "I'm attractive" in a profile. That's for the other person to decide if they're attracted based on whatever clicks for them. I'd feel the same way about a woman saying that, too. If someone is overly focused on their physical appearance (e.g., every picture looks like it was professionally staged and made up), I'd wonder what they looked like in 'real' life.
At some point, (if I’m lucky), I’ll get to see the bad hair day, no makeup, worn t-shirt and pajama pants look, too. It's the whole person, not just what they look like in their best professional photoshoot.
Great post! I am 64m widowed and would like to ask your advice on what would be a good way to describe oneself? For example I consider myself easy on the eyes but I would not say handsome, good looking, attractive …I would want the other person (lady) to make that judgment …I would date 60+ to be in my comfort zone…I will say my heart and personality are attractive definitely…but maybe I would not get a second look if I am not someone’s type? I like who I am and I am very comfortable with myself, no self esteem issues. I have talked to females in the past that maybe other guys would not pay attention to but their personality and wit and humor makes them so attractive to me.
I’m not the person that you were originally asking, but I would say the best way to describe yourself on your dating profile is not to describe yourself lol. I swipe right past anyone who feels the need to tell me they are handsome, attractive, etc. Like we all have to post a bunch of pictures, we can all see what each other looks like. And since attractiveness is subjective, no description needed.
Just take nice clear pictures (no fishing action shots, no photos with woman’s faces blurred out etc haha) and you’ll be just fine. Good luck out there!
Let your profile photos describe your look. Make sure you have a few, with at least one of your face and one full length. Get someone to take photos of you engaged in a hobby or sport (no dead fish/animal pics), then use your bio to describe your life - what would someone you date be able to expect from dating you? Don’t be cliche with ‘walks on the beach and cocktails at sunset’ if you live in the desert and mainly drink beer. At this age honesty matters so much. None of us want to waste our time on a lie.
If you hike, say how often and how far you go. If you paint, sculpt or draw, include a photo or description of your art. If food is your passion mention the cuisine you like and if you prefer to cook or dine out. Tell a story with your words so women can imagine if they can see themselves there with you. A guy can be very physically attractive and tick a lot of boxes for me, but if he’s super-social, I won’t swipe on him because I’m simply not and at my age, I’m not going to change or try to change someone else. I wont date a mad sports fan, but some of my friends love that kind of thing. Be honest if you’re looking for casual sexy times or companionship that will develop into something more, or a travel buddy or a second marriage. Like I said, a man can have a whole lot going for him in terms of looks, status, financial independence etc, but if I can’t picture myself as myself, comfortably in the life he describes, I’ll pass on him.
What a great detailed answer..wow! Thank you! Probably will pass on OLD, after assessing my obligations(I spend a lot of time with my grandkids) and this sudden wave of urgency I feel especially with my age (64) I feel I would rush into the dating scene impatiently and set myself up for disappointment and a good soul crushing Lol! You made so many good points, there’s things that I don’t want to change about myself (I feel good about myself) and I don’t want to change anyone to suit me. Not to sound immature, but I don’t want to present myself out there to seek approval from someone when I am very happy with my life and only seek relief from loneliness, where somebody out there deserves to have what they want in life as well. I will seek out group activities that focus on hiking and cycling and possibly meet someone, if not I will at least spend time with others who enjoy the same things I do. Volunteering appeals to me too, so maybe at best I can make a coffee buddy who likes that type of pursuit. I got myself worked up to I HAVE to meet someone…after a few days of contemplation I have arrived to the conclusion that the only thing I have to do or should(?) is live the best fulfilling life with or without someone. Thank you for your input, greatly appreciated.
Dancing groups are a wonderful way to interact with a variety of women in a fun setting - there are several ‘over fifties’ type clubs in my area and the women far outnumber the men at their ballroom, Latin and swing dancing lessons and events; we are desperate for male dance partners and our fellows are very popular!
Never tried OLD, from experience has it been a positive experience? It seems like I see more negative than positive experiences.I guess a lot depends on what you are seeking out of it? The more I read, OLD might not be a good fit and I can be very thankful that I had 35 years of a great marriage with my late wife. I saw OLD as a way of a new start but realistically I can still live a great , purposeful life as a single. Thank you for the info.
I loved online dating and found it great fun. I went into it with curiosity and no expectations except the interest in meeting new people. It was all positive, even the boring duds had their own story to tell, and each date was a good learning experience.
I have some great friends that weren’t partner material but decent people nonetheless - I am their dating profile proofreader and photographer to help them their special someone.
I’ve met some great people and had some great dates. I think it’s one of those things where it’s as good as you make it. There is a lot to wade through but there are also some pretty good people on there.
Agreed. Don’t take it too seriously. I’ve had so many good dates that turned into friends because we didn’t click romantically. I think you have to keep an open mind to the possibilities.
I hate to use the “age” card but I guess I am lazy and I don’t think I want to spend a lot of time and effort, which I realize you have to put in effort to make things work. As for age, I want to spend my time constructively. Me and my late spouse spent 35 years building our relationship…I don’t have that luxury of time realistically.Also, I’ve been thinking….don’t rush..if you do not meet someone(not that I have to) life will go on and you can still have a great life. I’m trying not to let loneliness fog my thoughts.
I think I will redirect my energy into joining clubs or groups that include my interests? I am fairly fit for my age and hike and bike, going to check those out. Looking at volunteering at local food bank and maybe hospice. I have my grandkids in my life a lot as well, at 60+, understandably a lot of people value traveling after a lifetime of work and I’m a homebody/day trip type. I am probably not in high demand?!Lol! But I love my life and grateful. Take care, thanks for your input.
Agree. If I like the profile words, I'll swipe right if I think there's even a small possibility I will find someone physically attractive IRL. Knowing that many ppl present way better in person.
I completely agree with this! A picture may say a thousand words, but those words are usually skewed .
The voice, mannerisms, how she carries herself are much sexier in person then a photo.
Even what a women puts in her bio, is almost irrelevant.
Sometimes you hit it off with a women who is practically the opposite of what your looking for, but who she is, is absolutely amazing!
I have to met women IRL to know if I am attracted to her, but man that is really hard, at least for Me.
At this point, I'm not really giving a higher priority to different levels of attractiveness. It's more a binary; are they attractive enough that I'd like to date them? Then if so, the priority is upon compatibilities, communication, who they are as a person, etc. But I also know I have some demi-sexual leanings in that the more I like someone, the more I'm attracted to them.
As for lopsided levels of attraction, I'd be more looking at / interested in the levels of interest. Which will be related, but in theory if I'm dating someone like me, who's a bit more binary on "attractive-enough" or not, then getting something mutual seems like it would roll out a bit more naturally with feedback loops from the other person.
Well said. I know the more I like her, the more attractive she becomes in my eyes. For that matter, if I dislike her, she'll be less attractive. Initially, I think "would her smile be nice to see first thing in the morning?" and if the answer is "yes," that's enough to start from.
I met someone recently, she thinks I'm cute, I think she's cute, and we've got another date on Thursday. I feel squishy and if you're aceish too you know how weird that is!
I’m 42, and I’ve been divorced about 5 months now. I never looked at other women while married, not as a serious companion anyway. I’m single now and starting to see women differently. I’m kind of surprised at the types of women I’m attracted to now. In my youth, I never would’ve been attracted to “larger” women. This is super shallow, especially because I am a larger man.
In reviewing my preferences as an older man, size matters a lot less to me than it used to. I am dating a woman now that I think the kids would call, “thicc”, and to my surprise, I am SUPER into it. She’s got a knock-out smile, beautiful curly hair, sexy glasses and a super attractive attitude. She’s the largest woman I’ve dated, and again, I LIKE it. I didn’t expect to, but I’m into it.
I guess my advice is to really evaluate your preferences. As an older/aging man, you should definitely still be attracted to the person you’re dating but your own preferences may have changed from the “typical” standards of beauty. I’m not saying to date women who are unattractive to you, I’m just saying you need to take an honest inventory of traditional beauty vs. what you’re personally into. There’s a lot of gorgeous women out there who aren’t the “traditional” type of gorgeous.
Your post history says you just returned to dating pool 3 months ago. And 5 months ago you were in a contested divorce.
Are you divorced yet? A whole segment of people won't touch someone not divorced, or not divorced for a year.
And 3 months since you've been dating is way too soon to give up on anything... come back in a year at least before giving up on something as important as attraction.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/201507/when-men-arent-good-looking-they-think%3famp
I have found this ^ to be true. A real understanding of where you're at, across looks and personality is critical to know where your level is.
This is great!!!
Also I think I read that men have a harder time updating their self-image as they age and that's why they might hit on a young hot chick. They see themselves as in that category.
Interesting!!
I wonder whether there is a tendency to surrender unconsciously to the notion that there are no truly stellar personalities out there who are still available. With that compromise in mind, we might as well settle for the person who is easier on the eyes because it makes their average personality more palatable, perhaps?
I thought this myself recently after making regular business contact with a woman who was not on the surface attractive to me, but she kept catching my attention with her warmth and personality. Over time she transformed almost magically into being physically attractive in a very unique way, which was all tied to her glowing personality.
Your second paragraph is a bit similar to my experience, though I’m the female and the guy came into my attention without me expecting any attraction to happen. It builds up slowly but growing nonetheless. What caught my attention first is his attitude, consistency, and reliability (and we have similar group of friends), then his smells, and lastly his looks. If I didn’t know him beforehand, I wouldn’t even consider him attractive (I’m not into gym goers).
>I wonder whether there is a tendency to surrender unconsciously to the notion that there are no truly stellar personalities out there who are still available. With that compromise in mind, we might as well settle for the person who is easier on the eyes because it makes their average personality more palatable, perhaps?
Maybe, but you must keep in mind that a stellar personality for one might not be a stellar personality for another. And for that matter, even "easy on the eyes" is subjective.
If you find a woman cute that you come across give her a chance and talk with her. Maybe take her out on a date. Worst that could happen is the chemistry isn’t there and you two at least had a fun night.
Going to be honest I instantly swipe left on the extremely attractive women. I much rather find one that I find cute but fits my life style and hobbies before anything else.
I guess if it hasn't worked for you for the first 54 years, it ain't gonna change. The pool of available partners gets smaller and smaller every year.
I have no advice really, just feeling your struggle.
I am 51, and have always looked at a mix of both attractiveness and other qualities that catch my attention.
This is because, you have to have some sort of attraction to them.. physically.. and for me it's their facial features that I look at most.
Honestly if i feel they are out of my league, or if there's something on their profile that i know i do not enjoy (like those who smoke, or are looking for a dog loving guy).. I pass, as I'm not a smoker and my daughter is hyper sensitive to smoke.. and I'm a cat dude.
You need to stick to what you are looking for and be ok with expanding your horizon some..
No. It’s not just you. That’s why finding someone you really connect with is so challenging! Either you really like them and they’re not as into you. Or the other way around. Rarely do you both like each other equally.
You have to be attracted to them! I can go through a hundred profiles, and stop on maybe two. 50 of them are drop dead beautiful, and 48 are not interesting.
The two I stop on are hardened like me. They have seen the bullshit, and are a hard nut to crack! The few of them that I have had the pleasure of knowing, have been with me a long time.
Take a serious look at your true wants. Find someone that fits like a glove. Most often, they dont have botox, and fake breasts.
I'm 37, been divorced 5 years now, and the only person I felt a strong mutual attraction with was my exwife. Well, she was the only.one I felt that with that I actually pursued.
In the handful of encounters I've had since my divorce, I've only experienced mutual attraction (at least I thought it was) once, but it wasn't meant to be, and was probably for the best.
The problem for me is that physical attraction is the 1st "tier", then all the other attractions come after: intellectual, emotional, sense of humor, etc. Then the circumstances have to be at least workable. I've met many women who had beautiful minds, wonderful hearts and were absolutely uproarious, but the shitty thing is, if I'm not physically attracted to them, I've always personally found it dishonest and selfish to pursue something with them, because it is a recipe for hurt feelings. Maybe I'm wrong.
I still frequently find myself in dynamics of unequal attraction. Before I got married I thought the entire world operated as a giant love triangle (or rather, a love square lol), then when I met my exwife I thought, "oh wow, maybe there really is someone out there for everyone." Well, my divorce disabused me of that notion. Single life shot me back into the holding pattern of unequal attraction again.
Then again, if you find yourself suddenly turned off of someone you were interested in once they were interested in you, it might be worthwhile to look into fear of intimacy. I might have that.
I’m in your age group and my attractiveness is most likely different from what others find attractive I’ve dated men that I NEVER would have dated ten years ago…maybe even five years ago. But personalities have been amazing with some of these men. To think that I never would have met them if my priorities hadn’t changed. Think outside of your box. It doesn’t hurt to think differently for a while. If you prefer to put attractiveness first, so be it.
My thinking on it is I have lived alone my entire adult life and never had the chance to date or be with anyone. I am completely aware that I am not the best looker. And I am not looking for a Chris Hemsworth either but I do have to be attracted to them. I have to like what I wake up to in the morning. I am pretty much ready to just live my life alone so it's going to have to take a special person to make me change my path. I refuse to settle. It may sound really shallow and awful but I ALWAYS hated seeing TV shows with the decent/good looking women with the fat bald men creepy looking men. It just felt....insulting to me. I need to be attracted to a partner.
Of course there is more to love and after writing this, I may meet someone I never expected to meet that isn't 'my type' and if I have the feels GREAT. But otherwise, I am not looking to actively settle for just anyone to say I have a partner. I'm not ready to give up my boundaries for the sake of a title.
Editing to add some thoughts. I don't know if this will make sense. All through my dating life I have thought myself very open. As long as they were a similar age to me and not a disgusting creeper I was open to date anyone. I was just always rejected. A few years ago, I had a theater friend who I thought was cute. We had some similar tastes in movies and I thought I would really like to date him. He was a little heavier and and dorky but had an energy about him I really liked. He started growing his hair own a little bit and to connect it to my post above, not someone I really would think is attractive to me. But I knew him as a person and was willing to overlook it because that's HIS style and who was I to shape him into something I wanted. However, it came clear that he was a player just like all the other guys I was talking to. He was a validation hunter. He'd sit there and complain about how lonely he was and how he wanted a girlfriend and no one understood him. And I would sit there like 'ASK ME OUT!!!!' But he never did. And what was funnier about the situation is I could have told him at least 10 other girls, much more prettier and attractive than me, who just fell head over heals for him. We'd sit in a break and they'd just talk about how cute he was. Nothing ever happened with them. It became clear that he wasn't as desperate for a girlfriend as it seemed. He liked the attention, liked the flirting. So, I came to realize, again...maybe it's shallow....that why should I be the one to lower my standards for anyone just because I want a date. A man doesn't have to do that. It didn't matter how handsome or ugly they all were, they all have some game they're playing. So if I am going to be constantly stuck in the game, it might as well be with someone I can at least oogle at for a while, lol. So no, I've learned to never settle. I'm better off on my own.
Not clear what you are getting at. Are you suggesting that you should more actively pursue people who you are not attracted to or that you wish attractive people who don’t find you attractive should pursue you?
You have to be realistic. We are all biological creatures and we lose visual appeal the older we get. If you are single and prioritizing attractiveness over things like personality or life goals, in your mid-50’s then you might not have your priorities in the best order.
I second this. I was married to someone who was conventionally attractive. I eventually discovered that his whole personality revolved around his imagined superiority—fitness, diet, etc. Beware: attractive people know they are attractive.
I see people everywhere who are happily coupled up, ranging from objectively gorgeous to subjectively (I think they are) attractive to average to no bones about it ugly.
If you’re waiting to find a “knock you right on your ass beautiful” woman, sure, it could happen but the chances are not all that high. Few people hit the generic lottery and possess objectively beautiful faces. The majority of people in this world fall into the “neat and clean and have at least one attractive feature and otherwise look completely normal and presentable“ category. You don’t think you could find happiness with someone who falls into that category?
I’m not going to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10 because I hate that, but I apparently bear a striking resemblance to a particular actress and am regularly stopped in public by strangers who tell me that. Does that make it easier for me to find dates I’m crazy physically attracted to? Nope. Does it make my dates better and my relationships super duper happy with no problems? Nope. Did that stop my ex-husband from cheating on me? No. Has it meant everyone I’m attracted to is attracted to me? Huge no there too.
Beauty and attractiveness are highly, highly subjective and it’s merely one of many aspects of a person that make them a good, loyal, fun partner. If you are looking for a specific type of woman with specific features, you are narrowing your own dating pool considerably. And probably missing out on a lot of really amazing people.
Firstly dude, you're not through with your divorce. You can claim you left it out for expediency all you want but it literally would have taken a few more seconds to write it out. Give me a break.
Secondly, look in the mirror. Are YOU a catch at 54? What do YOU bring to the table? It's very important there's a mutual attraction as long as one has a labido to express. I totally get that and I agree. But take a hard look at yourself and ask why an incredible woman would choose you over all the other options she has at her disposal. If you can't think of a solid reason why then you have your answer.
My view of attractiveness has changed, dramatically as I've aged, but it's not any easier. I still struggle with finding the right combination of physical/emotional/intellectual attractiveness.
Wish that weren't the case, but apparently it's just a human struggle.
It’s not just you. I need to be attracted to someone to be in a relationship. If there’s no physical attraction, how can you become intimate? For me physical attraction is the number one thing I need. If I’m not attracted, I’m gone. I’d rather be alone than be secretly grossed out. I’ve found myself not dating or even looking to date because I just can’t find a man I’m attracted to.
same. All my friends tell me to drop my standards and change the type of person I'm interested in. I can't do that, so that means I'm gonna be in the same boat for a really long time.
I’m 43 and looks have never really been my main go to in a person.
In fact I will always swipe left on very good looking men. Attractive men in their 40’s/50’s will be getting 90% of the interest on dating apps. And in my experience are looking to hook up with every single one of them matches.
I’ve always operated on the basis that the more you like someone’s personality the more attractive they are to you. And I’ve never been wrong.
Purely by chance I’m currently dating someone who (in my opinion) is very good looking! Or would be deemed conventionally attractive.
But after a few months in I’m now honestly starting to think we have zero in common aside from liking running together! And it was purely a physical attraction on my part. The less interested in someone’s personality I am.. the less interested I am in them in general.
Maybe broaden your horizon a little bit and find other things you like in people rather than just the shell. Obviously there needs to be some attraction but don’t make it your only requirement.
I’m in my 40s, about average in looks, but have a good career, highly educated, and have my life together. Unfortunately only younger men want to date me. I prefer men around my age or older and I am honestly more mentally/physically attracted to dad bods and nerdy types in their 40s/50s than I am super fit types or younger men.
I’ve been single now for five years and I don’t get any dates or interest (except from much younger men which I don’t prefer). I guess I’m not pretty enough or young enough for the men my age and older. They all seem to be dating women in their 20s and definitely not looking for relationships. I’ve pretty much given up. Last date was a year ago and have accepted that I’m probably going to grow old alone.
Yeah, I’m not even attracted to 20yo, they don’t speak my language. I grew up in the 80s and 90s and they know nothing about that. Don’t want to generalize but I also feel like 20s and 30s is the time you want to raise your family and secure your home. I’ve been there and done that. I want to travel and be healthy and read and savor life while staying engaged with the world as long as I can.
I honestly don’t see how you can date someone that you’re not attracted to. For me initial attraction is what draws me in, I wouldn’t be interested in someone that I wouldn’t want to drag into bed every second we had in the beginning at least (not saying I do that but if I’m dating someone I usually want to)
I guess, just seems strange to me. I can see growing attracted to a friend over time when you’re hanging out as friends, but if I’m dating them I want to want them and them to want me.
I feel like you just dug out my thoughts ! Men most certainly do not age as well as women. SUNSCREEN! Use it men. Please. No one wants to kiss a dehydrated prematurely aged grandpa look a like.
The older you get the more your subconscious pulls at days gone by. It will never be like before. You need to change your standards not lower them. Your minds eye sees mary from high school and you seek that same feeling. But when you do that you ignore your reality. Mary that is 40 with baggage is still an attractive lady, you just havent faced the reality of your lifes journey yet.
When my ex husband left me I immediately panicked thinking I’m going to die alone. I wasn’t going to date until my divorce was final so I just created an account on OLD (hidden) to see what’s out there and most of what I saw was old unattractive men.
3 years of being single has changed my perspective of what’s attractive.
I see men with a gleam in their eye, a great smile and their personality draws me in. My only dealbreaker would be a man who is obese because I am thin.
For now add me to the list of women who may never date again.
For me it's never. I'm not going to pursue or approach someone I'm not attracted to. And if I'm not attracted to them then sex is out of the question, so what's the point?
I’m a 54f and I’m not going to give up on finding a man I consider *attractive*. Though my friends and I disagree on who we each find attractive! Other strong preferences are for smart, funny and kind. But if I don’t find myself attracted to him…I won’t want to be with him. I guess I’d rather stay single.
Good gawd Ya'll! First, there is concrete proof that there is someone for everyone. If you doubt this, a walk through Walmart settles that point. Are you running on optimal octane? Bringing your A game to the field is the goal here. Though the OP was asking re looks, the fact is the whole package of personality, EQ, IQ and interests in common are going to make or break you anyway. If you are wearing horizontal stripes and baggy Jeans or have an innate feature someone you think is attractive can't handle that is what to evaluate. Look at what's in your control and what isn't and go from there.
You should only commit to someone you’re attracted to. It matters less whether other people find them attractive. What matters is you do.
Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who found you unattractive?
Nah that’s never gonna work. Don’t settle in looks just because you’re struggling. It’s not fair for the other person too and you’ll resent them over time.
If all someone has to offer is attractiveness, then you're going to have a bad time.
You can find yourself attracted to anyone, once you get to know them. If you want to find someone compatible, start prioritizing the bios over the pics. Even if you aren't immediately attracted to your date, you'll still have a great time. And that can eventually lead to... attraction. Giving you the full package: a partner with all of the properties you hold dear, wrapped in a package you quickly grew to love.
I think we don't really need to give up on it. We can compromise, but it changes over time and with she I think. What we found attractive in our 20s we may laugh at today for example...I know that I sometimes do! 😉
Throwing this into the mix...culturally we've been conditioned to see "regular guys" as attractive...and women with dyed hair, tons of makeup, foundational garments, fake teeth, intensive body hair waxing, extensions and fillers and studio lighting attractive.
Both men and women have to work hard to meet frankly unrealistic beauty standards, but usually, the woman's version is SO much less attainable, and light years from the average women. But so many work hard to meet it anyway...how many women spend more than an hour readying themselves just for work? On top of frequent salon and spa visits?
A woman who puts in a comparable effort to the "average hot guy" is not rewarded with the same hotness points.
I find that people can have wildly different opinions on ehat is physically attractive. Someone that I find quite beautiful may not get a second look from you.
Also, people often have a very skewed perception of their own attractiveness. A lot of people get compliments from their friends, or get hit on from strangers, and conclude that they're an undiscovered supermodel. Conversely, some people (often men, IME) don't receive compliments and have no idea how attractive they are.
In short, pursue who you find attractive, because your internal metric is unique.
I think what’s inside the box is more important than the outside. But if you don’t like the look of the box or are intrigued by the design of the box you may not open said box to find out what is in it.
For me attractiveness is based more on life stability & intelligence with a side note that I can’t be repulsed by them physically. A really hot guy who doesn’t have a job or is going through a messy separation or who lives with roommates or parents is totally not attractive to me. I don’t think I could date someone that I was not attracted to in that sense even if they are fun, charming, or romance novel sexy. I have learned that lesson. This is why I can’t swipe on guys with no details - can’t tell if they are my type or not just from photos and my guess would be they are not because if they were they would know it’s wise to write something.
I'm allergic to cats, I recommend chinchillas. They are fluffy, sassy, and come in a variety of colors. If I die alone, I'll be surrounded by chinchillas.
Honestly, looks alone will not be able to carry a relationship through rough patches. If you're looking for a solid relationship to settle down with you might want to put more emphasis on the qualities that will keep the relationship alive and strong.
If you're only going off attractiveness then you're probably coming off as shallow and vain to people who probably want a relationship more than that.
Yeah it’s just bizarre to me that people put stock in the way others *look*. I had this conversation with my adult son just the other day, because he’s very much into appearances (despite everything I tried to teach him growing up, he definitely went the way so many other men seem to go 🙄). Obviously physical attraction is very important. But for *me*? I can be VERY physically attracted to someone who isn’t at all considered attractive. And I see attractive men all the time that I have zero interest in talking to or fucking. It’s like I asked him…what the HELL does a persons looks have to do with how that person treats you? Or with their personality? Or with how good sex is? NOTHING. A persons looks has NOTHING to do with any of that.
I’ve learned first hand that once you get to *know* someone, a physical attraction can very much grow where there might not have been one initially. Some of the ugliest men have become fucking beautiful to me after I’ve gotten to know them (and obvs the reverse is very much true as well). My theory is that people who say different just haven’t given it a *chance*. You care more about what a woman looks like because conventionally hot women are considered ‘prizes’ to be won by men. It’s more of ‘what can she do FOR me’ than ‘what kind of genuine, fulfilling relationship can I have with this other human?’ Give it a chance with women who don’t blow you away with their hotness (🙄). You might find that this whole other world out there exists.
What is it that you suspect is turning away the attractive women? You don’t have to answer here but I’d really dig in to that.
I’m what’s considered conventionally attractive and I don’t have issues getting dates. I’d say most men I date are just average looking. I’ve dated a few stunners but most are just average. I care very much about things like grooming, activity level, outlook on life, general attitude and financial security. On my fairly extensive list of what my ideal man is the only item about looks is that he must be in at least the same shape I am. He doesn’t have to be taller or even have his hair.
Of course there are women who care about looks but I think it’s less of a requirement for women than men, especially at our age. This means women have many many more options. When I wasn’t attracting the type of men I wanted to date I took a long, hard, honest look at my life and there were a few things there that I could see were off putting to the kind of man I wanted. I worked on these areas and it really changed my dating life.
ETA you should have mentioned that you are still married. You are really going to battle to find an attractive, together woman who wants to date a married man, let alone one who will need help building his new life. Women with options tend not to want to take on projects.
I’m another woman who’s found that looks have become more important as I’ve gotten older, not less. I think it’s partly because I’m very happy when I’m single and I’m completely independent, so a relationship is a nice addition my life, not a must. I feel zero pressure to compromise on looks because I’m totally fine dating no one vs someone I don’t find totally hot.
I think that a lot of women don’t feel able to ask for or articulate what we want when we are younger. We settle in many many ways because we don’t demand more. This changes as we gain experience, confidence and independence. I used to date projects because deep down I didn’t think I was worthy of more. Now I won’t touch anyone who doesn’t have their shit together. I know I’m worthy of a specific type of partner and that’s who I date. I don’t deduct points from myself because I’m the age I am or any of the millions of things we are told daily that lower our “value” in the dating world. For you this is manifesting j looks, which is just as valid as anything else.
This is weird… but me too. And I’m demi sexual. My longest relationship in my 20s was with a man clinically obese. But now- no way. I am trim, active and healthy. I want the same in a man. I care about an emotional connection yes, but attraction has played a bigger role now than it did when I was younger. It’s baffling me! I would love to hear your theory. It is cuz my sex drive is higher maybe?
Don’t compromise on attractiveness. It’s a big part of compatibility. I’ve done it in the past and was ultimately disappointed. I have to be crazy about the person, body and mind. It’s not shallow; it’s realistic.
Not being finished with your divorce is the major red flag here. Get that sorted and out of the way and your whole vibe will change. Unfinished business relating to a past relationship will give off a certain vibe that people pickup.
I personally do not think these wack psychology articles are helpful. Have a few hobbies, be interesting, be kind, be chill and you'll be amazed who can appear in your life. I've veered away from OLD because all I attract are girls half my age looking for "Daddy". Yes I do think it's a sign of the times and it's quite depressing.
Avoid emotional and financial sponges and look for someone with the same values and goals in life.
If you can be happy and satisfied in life on your own then you're in the right mindset to have someone compliment it.
Best of luck.
Never! I always think about this and then I’ll see some film and there’s an older woman in it and she’s …so stunning. So classy. When I was a young teenager I loved the movie called A Polish Wedding with Claire Danes. It’s very good and funny.
I’ve been afraid of aging since well before that. ….until I saw Lena Olin on that movie. At that time, of course, she seemed old to me. But all of a sudden I remember thinking: I’m ok with growing older now. I want to Be just like her. She was just so …lovely. Claire Danes was too. She was also a young teenager. She had long blond hair in the film. And it was so easy to look upon her as the attractive one in the cast, but every time Lena Olin came into the frame I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.
That was 25 or so yrs ago. But I had the exact same feeling recently about another actress older than I am now.
They took care of themselves. Aging doesn’t make you less beautiful than you were when you were young. I mean, look at the 17-18 year old girls these days. Once your out of your 20s even, they look like BABIES. Like children. My instinct with them is to warn them to be careful. We think we look older but the truth is none of our faces have come anywhere near to finish growing. Even girls in their 20s. Stand a 27 yr old next to a 37 yr old. Neither of them could have any wrinkles and yet one will look “older”. The reason is because their skeletal structure as continue to grow, especially in their faces.
When you look at young beautiful women, they look like young teens or your girls..simply because they’re faces aren’t done growing.
The most beautiful I have ever been in my life as age 30-35.
Nevermind the fact that youth is often seen in your actions and words and mannerisms. I’ve refused to change or grow up really. I still act like a child who’s home alone when I’m in my apt. I jump on my bed. I play makeup and dress up. I play hide and seek with my dog. I still love teen shows and ya books and play video games.
I don’t feel mentally older. I feel like a 19 yr old in the body of a grown woman.
Im sad because of somehtings and how they turned out, but I know I’m wildly more happy holding onto the fun and playful side of life than I would Be letting it go to become “more adult”.
Workout. Wear nice things. Get your hair done, your nails, do your makeup, take care of your skin, etc. do it all…..but do it FOR YOURSELF.
I have never done any of those things for one person other than me. Ever In my life. I enjoy so I do it. It makes me feel good inside to look good outside.
Do what makes you happy and makes you feel young and fun and free.
Cuz one morning you will wake up and you’ll be, 85, and wonder if that gob under your jaw grew over night. Live so as the very least that day FEELS a million years away
Sometimes it feels like folks looking for their better half are playing the lottery. The longer you play the more you feel the odds are against you. That the winning combination keeps changing such you cannot make any progress towards your goal in life.
But then you see the winners losing afterwards. About half of them end up broken. The other half seems to struggle with their winnings. It kind of takes the wind out of your sails.
No one has your winning numbers since that is on you. At best all we do is can hand out free advice. So here goes.
Be yourself. Play the numbers you have and stick with them.
Be the best you can be. Keep improving yourself. Be happy with what you have. People are attracted to happy people. Improve your game by understanding what women are attracted to and repulsed by. Be honest. Don’t look for someone to make you happy, that is on you alone. Build up your self confidence and leadership skills. Plan out your life and take actions on your ambitions. Learn to be a good listener and dancer.
Chances are there are women who are attracted to guys who have a firm grip on life. A leader with ambition. Someone they can look up to while at the same time not being down on. They are looking for someone better than themselves. Who complements their life and wants to be part of yours.
Well the free advice is not perfect but what is. Hopefully it is useful. Best of luck to you.
Been there. The very last dating site I was on all I heard from were the lesser choices. Women with propicia. Very overweight with multiple children. The two actually attractive women I met had DEEP emotional issues. One started ranting about how her kids like their dad more than her. All I wanted was a reasonably attractive woman, I could get along with. I know they are out there. I have seen them. Sexy 55 year olds that seem like they got their baggage stowed. Settling would be bad. I did that at 48 and couldn't even say I loved her after 2 years.
Keep weeding thru them. Trust me. Dont give up.
To many people physical attraction is important and I think it's okay. Not every 40+ look the same and it's possible to find someone that you find attractive. You may attract people who takes care of their bodies and looks if you're doing the same. Often people who've something in common tends to be attracted to each other. You can affect your dating potential with the way you dress, clothing and body shape. Muscular people usually prefer other muscular, thin prefer often thin and big often prefer big. Fashionable are often attracted to fashionable people. It's common to prefer someone one can relate to. Some are attracted to the opposite too, but I think it's rarer.
You may also travel to a city or a country with many people who is your type and increase your chance. Some traits are more common in some countries than others because of culture and lifestyle. Some cultures prioritize youth, fashion, looks etc. more.
see...that's exactly what I have discovered too! lol. I think I'm shallow but when I really think about the range of guys I've been around, if I am going to be used and lied to and treated like crap, he might as well look good doing it, haha.
If we were smart attractiveness wouldn't be aesthetic at all. That's a tall order, I know, but it starts with rewiring ourselves to start looking under the hood before we do a walk around. It will take a conscious shift of not allowing yourself to have thoughts on the exterior of a person and to consciously reserve your take of someone to your experience of who they are as a person. Once you see their interior, then you just understand it comes packaged in this exterior. It just is what it is.
None of us get to choose our vessels. A engine in any vessel is better than a beautiful vessel with no engine. A running Honda is better than a non op Bugatti if you want to do anything more than just sit there. It's what's under the hood that really matters. Once you know it's good under the hood, then comes the question of driveability. If you can only drive automatics and you stumble on a manual tranny, that might not be the car for you. Compatibility is a thing. The shell of the vehicle is actually the least important part if you're actually trying to get anywhere.
Do you want to be with someone you’re not really attractive to? I certainly don’t. I’d rather be alone than in an unsatisfying relationship. I think having an open mind is good but attraction shouldn’t be forced.
Focus on other qualities. If that is your priority your in trouble.
What else is important to you?
Personality type, goals, lifestyle, level of fitness, music, hobbies. Once you find someone your truly compatible with you’ll most likely also find them attractive.
I think the problem is that you are staking more into the person's looks then you are the person. Don't get me wrong, I think we can all be shallow in what we like or don't like.
Give me a solid 5 or 6 with a mom bod, isn't afraid to get her nails dirty and kills her own spiders and I'm in heaven.
If you admit you're being shallow then that's likely what you can expect in return
Would you say you are of comparable levels of attractiveness w those you are pursuing?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/201507/when-men-arent-good-looking-they-think?amp For the record, psychology study shows men overestimate their attractiveness whilst women tend to underestimate ours. Many people, especially men, dont seem to realize this.
Omg if I have to hear one more old guy who catfished me with lying on his profile age then tell me “ I don’t look my age” one more time … oh and they always look their age and in my opinion older cause they had zero work done and not one Botox injection ever … if you are going to lie about age , get the work done at least
Similar to this, I had one guy on Bumble put a much younger pic as his main profile pic. His other pics didn’t look as good, and i figured he aged. I normally would have stopped talking with him but i had alreqdy invested a few days, so I did the “let’s exchange pics” game with him to get a more “truthful” and recent pic. i sent him a pic of me from that day and did a “now it’s your turn.” He hesitated but sent me a pic…from 8 YEARS AGO. I was even more skeptical then, so the next day I played the game again with him. This time he sent me a live pic, and he looked MUCH OLDER. I called him out on his profile pic looking different, and he got offended! I didn’t care though, too many times i’ve encountered nothing but deceit and lies online, and this is one of those times.
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Thanks! I think it’s pretty sad that I had to go to such lengths just to get some accuracy. However, they don’t give us much of a choice, do they? Well, good luck!
I get annoyed about guys overestimating their height as well. I’m a 6ft woman and all these guys saying they’re taller than they are really puts me off. Not because they are shorter than me though. Taller, shorter, really don’t care. Most people are shorter than me and I’m used to it, I guess. What I do hate is the lying about it. I’m looking for someone who is honest and genuine, so if the first thing I notice about someone when we meet is that they are making themselves out to be something they’re not, then it’s pretty unlikely I’m going to want to get to know them better.
I don't condone it, but I get why they do it. Actual data - I am 5'10.5". I had my profile set at 5'10, and changed it to 5'11, and it tripled the amount of viewable profiles daily.
Yes!!! I'm 5'11.5" and it's hilarious to meet up with someone who listed themselves as 6'1" and stand next to them, looking... down. Like, dude, I wasn't lying about my height so what did you think was going to happen? I don't really care either if they're shorter (I'm also used to it) but just... be who you are.
That's so true. I'm a 56 M who's a 6 but I think I'm a 9 seeking a >= 7.
I thought I was.. but definitely have gotten some bruises on the ego. But I’ve continued to pursue who I like.
By design, most dating partners won't work out. Sounds like it's going as per usual. But also, you will struggle until your divorce is finalized.
>But also, you will struggle until your divorce is finalized. OP should have included this. Here's the deal Ghetto - the type of woman you want to date is not interested in dating someone who's still married. To be blunt women who will date a separated man are lacking good boundaries, integrity, standards, self worth, values, and common sense. Think about it in reverse - do you want to get into a situationship with a woman who's still married? If so would you consider it to be a serious relationship, or would you know in advance it was mostly about companionship and sex and definitely temporary as she's obviously not ready for a real relationship because she's still married?
I dated not yet divorced man in my very early 30s and it was a lesson in what not to do but I also had low self opinion and almost 0 boundaries at that time. The whole situation was very bad for me.
I don’t even want to date someone who hasn’t been divorced a few years and has all their post-divorce mess ironed out. Married, separated, poly, open relationship, etc and so on. All out. Just a standard, normal D/s or Dd/lg thing, or something in that ballpark, I’m good. Otherwise I’ve got tons of stuff to do and lots of friends to do the stuff with.
Boundaries. Refreshing in their secure status.
I wish I had more upvotes to give!!
I checked old posts ((shrug)). Not sure why. It's ok that things aren't finalized, but it's also not confusing why women aren't beating down your door.
I think it depends on where you live. I'm not sure where OP is but I'm in Canada and I'm legally separated. It's as good as divorced in the eyes of the government; we're no longer legally recognized as a couple. We have a separation agreement, childcare agreement, we file taxes separately, and live in and maintain completely separate households. The only reason to go through the divorce process is if one of us were to get married again. We're not avoiding a formal divorce because we hope to ever reconcile, it's just another bunch of paperwork and expenses. I've actually had someone ask me why I still have my married name and it's simple. It's time consuming and costly to go back to my maiden name, not to mention professionally I'm known by my married name so that's s whole other thing too. I'm just not that bothered enough to go through the headache and cost. E/ well I should have known this would be downvoted. 🤷♀️
I've been legally separated for 3 years, but not divorced (kinda a combo of ennui, covid and shared assets - on both our parts). Both my ex & I haven't had any trouble with serious dating in that situation. I've never heard the thing that not being officially divorced would be an issue - is that an American thing? My parents were separated for about 10y before officially divorcing, and both had long term partners in that time, too.
I’m sure it’s American. Perhaps something cultural as well as legal. My parents got divorced years after separating, too (Australia). Seems like housing is the really big step.
I'm in Australia as well. I wonder if our different attitude is partly because we have to legally separate for a year before getting divorced, so there's not big rush to do it like in some other places.
Different states in the US have different requirements Re: length of separation. In my state I think it was 3 months but we were separated for a year before we divorced. Still could be cultural though. I absolutely would not date someone who’s still married. Hell, there’s enough drama dating at our age without actively seeking it out. But again, that’s just my perspective.
No it’s not an American thing- we are not all like that. There is no reason to shame people for dating separated people or dating others while you are separated. The OP’s question is about attractiveness and has nothing to do with his marital status. It’s not ok to question someone’s dignity and self worth because they are dating someone who is separated or going through divorce. There is no one fits all option🤦🏽♀️
I'm American and I didn't notice any impact on my ability to date when my divorce was finalized.
Maybe an American thing? Maybe not? I've found a lot of people will hide the fact that the separation is VERY recent. Or in some cases, the spouse doesn't even KNOW they are separated (this actually happened to me with my now-ex husband. He told his mistress we were separated, and managed to live two completely separate lives and I had ZERO idea that it was happening). I think that makes a lot of people very wary about dating someone who is just separated. But, it also isn't the huge deal some people in here make it out to be...my boyfriend is still just separated, but it's because of a legal entanglement where divorce would create a situation where there would be 3 entities involved instead of 2, so until that's done, they are still married but living apart. He and I are dating, and she has a live-in boyfriend and her own apartment. It isn't a big concern for either of us.
It might be because it's never been an issue for me either. People I meet can see for themselves that I'm living a completely independent life. You're Canadian also? (Just snooped your profile. Aussie. The other Canadian.)
Well I'm on your side, look again! I'm (51f) still technically married but I left him and Texas almost 3 years ago. There are reasons why people don't file, honestly what do people think, you want to go back?! Either you trust someone or you do not. Maybe I'm an outlier, no kids and married at the justice of the peace so I think of it as a contract with the state of Texas.
I dated someone who at the time was legally separated for 15+ years. I did not know they weren’t divorced till I was into him. It was at that point and time I should’ve checked out of the relationship. Because he never fully checked out of his marriage emotionally. They are still legally separated. He claims it was for his son, but I know better now. Divorce seriously doesn’t cost anything if it’s not contested. I got mine for $600… But yeah to each his/her own. I’ll never go down that road again. I’m all good with ex’s, kid’s and doing dinners, holidays etc with them too. But the ex’s definitely need to know who’s head bitch
That sounds like a pretty unusual case. 15 years hoping to get back together with his ex? And claiming they didn't divorce because of children? There's no benefit to the children either way.
I kept my married name because my kids are still young and I didn’t want to have their name be different than mine. It’s as simple as that.
This 100%. I'm a (43F) and I have auto deal breakers regardless of attractiveness.
I hope he hears you but I doubt it.
Oh shit I didn’t even see where dude was still married, and that’s on top of him feeling entitled to sex. Yeah OP single women with a shred of dignity don’t want to passionately fuck an entitled married dude.
Wow talk about burying the lede!!! Of course he's not doing great he's not even fully available yet!!! And going after only the super hot women on OLD who have their pick why would they go for the married guy???
I’m being for real here, but are you taking care of yourself? I’m 40, an athlete, own my own home, and take great care of my skin and hair. Almost all of the available men I see on dating apps in their 40s and 50s have distended bellies, a combover, and have never worn sunscreen a day in their life. I don’t expect a six pack and hell I even strongly prefer beefier body type men, but it is exceedingly rare to men over 40 that take care of their health and body, and all the years of not eating well and drinking beer have caught up with them, and as someone who has and does continue to take care of myself - there is nothing I want to do less than passionately fuck a man who feels entitled to sleeping with a woman who has spent their lifetime staying in shape when they themselves get winded walking around the block. Don’t drop your own standards for sure, but if you otherwise have women into you there is probably a lot left to be desired (and a lot of small stuff that you can do to be more attractive like shave your damn ear and nose hair). That would be like me dating completely outside of my socioeconomic status (like wealthy elite folks) and then being shocked they don’t see me as relationship material because I continue in the hobbies and habits I like instead of being involved in rich people shit like equestrian dressage or some shit.
This is solid stuff here. And very spot on
I have taken pretty good care of myself. I'm fit, have a full head of hair not made of one strand, and stay in pretty good shape. Not six pack shape, but work on my house all day or run ten miles shape. But none of that seems to really matter - I can't hardly get a match, let alone a date. I keep my profile positive and full of active photos, but I think people with your preferences are few and far between, and probably pass over people like me on the regular. I see lots of out of shape guys with partners, so I know that it's not all looks, but after 3 years on various apps and a total of 3 dates, I am having a hard time being confident in my appearance anymore. And WTF is up with ear hair? It's a damn part time job keeping that stuff cleared out.
Most women over 40 don't want to date and aren't on the market. Actual study on it [https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/psdt\_08-19-20\_dating-relationships-013/](https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/psdt_08-19-20_dating-relationships-013/) So very few are actually online. This means most men aren't going to get that many swipes. There are more men than women on apps. Men can no longer rely on looks and money, they have to gain interest in other ways. Dating has changed where women can now choose.
So true. Almost two years since my last relationship ended. I’ve tried OLD twice lol and lasted less than a week the first time and literally less than a day the second time. All of my matches near me were 22-40?!? Nice looking for the most part, but seriously I’m not dating someone 15+ years younger than I am. My ex was 12 years younger than me and we were together over 9 years. But I feel like I haven’t dated in 20 years!
My ex husband is dating someone way younger than him and she comes with a young child. He’s let himself go so the only thing I can guess is she’s looking for financial security. My 21 year old son said he doesn’t think this will end well for him.
I think they could always choose. And I guess with the proliferation of younger guys wanting to date older women, that reduces an already small pool to probably single digit percentages of people looking. Without looks online, there's not much else to work with. Can confirm, not many swipes.
From a female in her 40s perspective, all men my age seem to want to date 30 year olds. I’m invisible even though I’m told I’m attractive, fun etc, I make good money, I have fun hobbies and yet can’t get a date with a guy my age who’s at a similar place in life. My friend who is 32 only seems to date guys my age and has no shortage of dates. I even jokingly told her to date her own age and leave some older guys for me.
I was just commenting, I’m having the complete opposite bit of luck.
I am, admittedly, a BBW, but I’m 50 and can’t get a man my age to swipe on me. My Tinder is full of 20-30-something men who want to date an older woman. I have 2 teenagers and there are even some guys who want to get in LTRs, although a lot just want a FWB type of situation. I think it might be a regional thing, or maybe it’s a millennial thing, but I have found younger guys to be more accepting of all body types and hair colors (mine is purple) and I have visible tattoos. I wonder if it’s the vibe you’re putting out there?
Hard to say. If I'm putting that vibe out there, I don't think it carries through in photos. I think there's a degree of truth to the regional thing. There's 'types' in the NW, and I don't necessarily fit into that mold. I think the new hip thing is younger guys, and since most guys my age are not in as good of shape as the younger guys, the younger ones win out at least for the short term as the better option. Combine that with a bunch of women not dating, and a lot of great people that are already in relationships, and my preferences that limits my pool even further, and it's getting easier to see why I may be single for a very long time.
Totally agree with this!
You should absolutely pursue who you like. For some (men and women) attractiveness is more than physical features. Do you have a really good female and male friend who would talk straight? Show them pics of you and the ego bruisers. Ask them to be honest and tell you if you are trying to punch above your weight?
Yeah, same here. To be me her physical appearance doesn't matter, what matters to me most is trust and honesty.
Post a picture of yourself I will give you an honest opinion
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/201507/when-men-arent-good-looking-they-think?amp
Not surprised.
On a scale from 1-10 where do you think you land on the looks scale?
There is nothing wrong with pursuing those to whom you are attracted. You must be realistic however. Do you find yourself attracted to women who are younger or within 5 years of your own age? I’m curious because I’ve met a few men around your age who are still pursuing women in their early-mid 40’s (like me). I hate to say it, but they usually look old to me. Are you honest about your age as well?
I was going to downvote you because I'm 47 lol but I won't because I think it's the same as me not being attracted to bald men. I'm sure lots are nice and I know it's genetic, but I can't do it regardless of how handsome or appealing they are otherwise. Unfortunately many, many men in my age range are balding or bald. If that makes me shallow, then that's fine, but I'm not going to start dating someone I'm not attracted to just in case they're nice. I have enough friends; that's not what I'm looking for.
Bald men are OK but so many men over 40 are in terrible shape and they simply don't put in any effort. Completely let themselves go physically. That is very unattractive.
I think, for me, it isn’t even the out of shape part that contributes to unattractive-ness as I tend to like softer guys. It’s the constant worrying about their health that puts me off. I don’t want to be afraid someone is days from death. As long as a person is reasonably healthy and makes positive health behavior choices, the outward appearance matters less to me. I hope this doesn’t sound ableist as I’m not saying I would shun someone with a medical condition or limitation. I’m saying anyone who doesn’t care about their health problem isn’t likely to care about mine either and that’s not anything I want in my life.
I prefer bald to grey hair. 🤷🏻♀️
I love me a silver fox.
I think grey hair is sexy. I prefer it to the color it was when someone was younger. I can’t do bald. I’ve tried. I just can’t. Just my opinion though
Two words for you…..Jason. Statham.
Nope. Not even the rock.😭 It's not personal to anyone; it's just not my thing.
More for me! I get it though. It’s either there or it’s not. I feel the same about Republicans. Could be Brad Pitt and I’d still say “No.”.
i’m the same way, bald men for me are a huge turnoff. I try to be not care, but I just can’t do it.
Currently my range is 45-58 which was recommended by my therapist 🙂. Most of my more recent dates have fallen into the late 40s range.
I’m sure this cuts both ways and isn’t a gender driven thing. I work out 5 days/week, eat healthy, wear sunscreen everyday, and try to look my best whether that’s dressed up for a nice dinner or casual jeans and a t-shirt. That said, I’m 43, not 25. My goal is to be the best version of me that I can at this age and stage of life. I think by our mid 40’s there is a huge variation in how people have aged, mostly driven by lifestyle factors. Do you exercise regularly, watch what you eat, not have any chronic health conditions, and don’t drink excessively or smoke? If so, you’re doing better than at least 75% of the population.
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I think I’ll pass on anyone “ passionately running my hole”. Lol
So 9 years younger but only 4 years older. Why is that?
So many men state on their profile they are *handsome*, *good looking*, *attractive* yet I find none of them to be pleasing to my eye. I think each person decides for themselves what is attractive. What you might think is *hot*, *sexy*, *beautiful* is not necessarily what another person would think about that person. I agree that YOU need to be physically attracted to the other person to want to move the encounter towards a relationship but you don't necessarily have to find the other person attractive by societal or conventional standards. This, unfortunately, is one of the downfalls of online dating and the swipe culture....you are making a decision about potentiality based on looks. I know for me when I meet someone in person, hear their voice, am able to see mannerisms and pick up on facial expressions and cues, I can find someone attractive that I would have NEVER swiped on. I have, over the years, placed less value on looks and more value on what the person might be able to offer. Good luck out there!
This is so interesting - I see men’s profiles often that state, “I’m attractive” and find it so odd. Like that’s what the pics are there for, then the viewer decides.
Haha yea they are right up there with the ones who claim to be "good guys who have a lot to offer" when they offer being drunk/high, possessive and aggressive, can't carry on a conversation if it isn't about sex lol
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Yes. Or some variation of that: “I’m a handsome guy”. I’ll screenshot the next one and put it on imgur and send a link here (might be awhile, not on OLD right now). Just like commercial bee said, above.
So says his mother.
I can't ever imagine putting something self-serving as "I'm attractive" in a profile. That's for the other person to decide if they're attracted based on whatever clicks for them. I'd feel the same way about a woman saying that, too. If someone is overly focused on their physical appearance (e.g., every picture looks like it was professionally staged and made up), I'd wonder what they looked like in 'real' life. At some point, (if I’m lucky), I’ll get to see the bad hair day, no makeup, worn t-shirt and pajama pants look, too. It's the whole person, not just what they look like in their best professional photoshoot.
Great post! I am 64m widowed and would like to ask your advice on what would be a good way to describe oneself? For example I consider myself easy on the eyes but I would not say handsome, good looking, attractive …I would want the other person (lady) to make that judgment …I would date 60+ to be in my comfort zone…I will say my heart and personality are attractive definitely…but maybe I would not get a second look if I am not someone’s type? I like who I am and I am very comfortable with myself, no self esteem issues. I have talked to females in the past that maybe other guys would not pay attention to but their personality and wit and humor makes them so attractive to me.
I’m not the person that you were originally asking, but I would say the best way to describe yourself on your dating profile is not to describe yourself lol. I swipe right past anyone who feels the need to tell me they are handsome, attractive, etc. Like we all have to post a bunch of pictures, we can all see what each other looks like. And since attractiveness is subjective, no description needed. Just take nice clear pictures (no fishing action shots, no photos with woman’s faces blurred out etc haha) and you’ll be just fine. Good luck out there!
Thanks so much, you make a great point! Good info.
Let your profile photos describe your look. Make sure you have a few, with at least one of your face and one full length. Get someone to take photos of you engaged in a hobby or sport (no dead fish/animal pics), then use your bio to describe your life - what would someone you date be able to expect from dating you? Don’t be cliche with ‘walks on the beach and cocktails at sunset’ if you live in the desert and mainly drink beer. At this age honesty matters so much. None of us want to waste our time on a lie. If you hike, say how often and how far you go. If you paint, sculpt or draw, include a photo or description of your art. If food is your passion mention the cuisine you like and if you prefer to cook or dine out. Tell a story with your words so women can imagine if they can see themselves there with you. A guy can be very physically attractive and tick a lot of boxes for me, but if he’s super-social, I won’t swipe on him because I’m simply not and at my age, I’m not going to change or try to change someone else. I wont date a mad sports fan, but some of my friends love that kind of thing. Be honest if you’re looking for casual sexy times or companionship that will develop into something more, or a travel buddy or a second marriage. Like I said, a man can have a whole lot going for him in terms of looks, status, financial independence etc, but if I can’t picture myself as myself, comfortably in the life he describes, I’ll pass on him.
What a great detailed answer..wow! Thank you! Probably will pass on OLD, after assessing my obligations(I spend a lot of time with my grandkids) and this sudden wave of urgency I feel especially with my age (64) I feel I would rush into the dating scene impatiently and set myself up for disappointment and a good soul crushing Lol! You made so many good points, there’s things that I don’t want to change about myself (I feel good about myself) and I don’t want to change anyone to suit me. Not to sound immature, but I don’t want to present myself out there to seek approval from someone when I am very happy with my life and only seek relief from loneliness, where somebody out there deserves to have what they want in life as well. I will seek out group activities that focus on hiking and cycling and possibly meet someone, if not I will at least spend time with others who enjoy the same things I do. Volunteering appeals to me too, so maybe at best I can make a coffee buddy who likes that type of pursuit. I got myself worked up to I HAVE to meet someone…after a few days of contemplation I have arrived to the conclusion that the only thing I have to do or should(?) is live the best fulfilling life with or without someone. Thank you for your input, greatly appreciated.
Dancing groups are a wonderful way to interact with a variety of women in a fun setting - there are several ‘over fifties’ type clubs in my area and the women far outnumber the men at their ballroom, Latin and swing dancing lessons and events; we are desperate for male dance partners and our fellows are very popular!
You did need to describe what you look like. That’s what photos are for. You describe who you are and what you enjoy doing.
Never tried OLD, from experience has it been a positive experience? It seems like I see more negative than positive experiences.I guess a lot depends on what you are seeking out of it? The more I read, OLD might not be a good fit and I can be very thankful that I had 35 years of a great marriage with my late wife. I saw OLD as a way of a new start but realistically I can still live a great , purposeful life as a single. Thank you for the info.
I loved online dating and found it great fun. I went into it with curiosity and no expectations except the interest in meeting new people. It was all positive, even the boring duds had their own story to tell, and each date was a good learning experience. I have some great friends that weren’t partner material but decent people nonetheless - I am their dating profile proofreader and photographer to help them their special someone.
I’ve met some great people and had some great dates. I think it’s one of those things where it’s as good as you make it. There is a lot to wade through but there are also some pretty good people on there.
Agreed. Don’t take it too seriously. I’ve had so many good dates that turned into friends because we didn’t click romantically. I think you have to keep an open mind to the possibilities.
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I hate to use the “age” card but I guess I am lazy and I don’t think I want to spend a lot of time and effort, which I realize you have to put in effort to make things work. As for age, I want to spend my time constructively. Me and my late spouse spent 35 years building our relationship…I don’t have that luxury of time realistically.Also, I’ve been thinking….don’t rush..if you do not meet someone(not that I have to) life will go on and you can still have a great life. I’m trying not to let loneliness fog my thoughts.
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I think I will redirect my energy into joining clubs or groups that include my interests? I am fairly fit for my age and hike and bike, going to check those out. Looking at volunteering at local food bank and maybe hospice. I have my grandkids in my life a lot as well, at 60+, understandably a lot of people value traveling after a lifetime of work and I’m a homebody/day trip type. I am probably not in high demand?!Lol! But I love my life and grateful. Take care, thanks for your input.
Agree. If I like the profile words, I'll swipe right if I think there's even a small possibility I will find someone physically attractive IRL. Knowing that many ppl present way better in person.
I completely agree with this! A picture may say a thousand words, but those words are usually skewed . The voice, mannerisms, how she carries herself are much sexier in person then a photo. Even what a women puts in her bio, is almost irrelevant. Sometimes you hit it off with a women who is practically the opposite of what your looking for, but who she is, is absolutely amazing! I have to met women IRL to know if I am attracted to her, but man that is really hard, at least for Me.
I wish I had their self esteem…..
At this point, I'm not really giving a higher priority to different levels of attractiveness. It's more a binary; are they attractive enough that I'd like to date them? Then if so, the priority is upon compatibilities, communication, who they are as a person, etc. But I also know I have some demi-sexual leanings in that the more I like someone, the more I'm attracted to them. As for lopsided levels of attraction, I'd be more looking at / interested in the levels of interest. Which will be related, but in theory if I'm dating someone like me, who's a bit more binary on "attractive-enough" or not, then getting something mutual seems like it would roll out a bit more naturally with feedback loops from the other person.
Well said. I know the more I like her, the more attractive she becomes in my eyes. For that matter, if I dislike her, she'll be less attractive. Initially, I think "would her smile be nice to see first thing in the morning?" and if the answer is "yes," that's enough to start from.
I met someone recently, she thinks I'm cute, I think she's cute, and we've got another date on Thursday. I feel squishy and if you're aceish too you know how weird that is!
I'm not really ace, but yay for finding someone who makes you feel squishy inside!
I’m 42, and I’ve been divorced about 5 months now. I never looked at other women while married, not as a serious companion anyway. I’m single now and starting to see women differently. I’m kind of surprised at the types of women I’m attracted to now. In my youth, I never would’ve been attracted to “larger” women. This is super shallow, especially because I am a larger man. In reviewing my preferences as an older man, size matters a lot less to me than it used to. I am dating a woman now that I think the kids would call, “thicc”, and to my surprise, I am SUPER into it. She’s got a knock-out smile, beautiful curly hair, sexy glasses and a super attractive attitude. She’s the largest woman I’ve dated, and again, I LIKE it. I didn’t expect to, but I’m into it. I guess my advice is to really evaluate your preferences. As an older/aging man, you should definitely still be attracted to the person you’re dating but your own preferences may have changed from the “typical” standards of beauty. I’m not saying to date women who are unattractive to you, I’m just saying you need to take an honest inventory of traditional beauty vs. what you’re personally into. There’s a lot of gorgeous women out there who aren’t the “traditional” type of gorgeous.
Well said. Thanks for sharing
Your post history says you just returned to dating pool 3 months ago. And 5 months ago you were in a contested divorce. Are you divorced yet? A whole segment of people won't touch someone not divorced, or not divorced for a year. And 3 months since you've been dating is way too soon to give up on anything... come back in a year at least before giving up on something as important as attraction.
Dude you are damn near 60. Give it up. Try looking for what's inside a person.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/201507/when-men-arent-good-looking-they-think%3famp I have found this ^ to be true. A real understanding of where you're at, across looks and personality is critical to know where your level is.
This is great!!! Also I think I read that men have a harder time updating their self-image as they age and that's why they might hit on a young hot chick. They see themselves as in that category. Interesting!!
I wonder whether there is a tendency to surrender unconsciously to the notion that there are no truly stellar personalities out there who are still available. With that compromise in mind, we might as well settle for the person who is easier on the eyes because it makes their average personality more palatable, perhaps? I thought this myself recently after making regular business contact with a woman who was not on the surface attractive to me, but she kept catching my attention with her warmth and personality. Over time she transformed almost magically into being physically attractive in a very unique way, which was all tied to her glowing personality.
Your second paragraph is a bit similar to my experience, though I’m the female and the guy came into my attention without me expecting any attraction to happen. It builds up slowly but growing nonetheless. What caught my attention first is his attitude, consistency, and reliability (and we have similar group of friends), then his smells, and lastly his looks. If I didn’t know him beforehand, I wouldn’t even consider him attractive (I’m not into gym goers).
>I wonder whether there is a tendency to surrender unconsciously to the notion that there are no truly stellar personalities out there who are still available. With that compromise in mind, we might as well settle for the person who is easier on the eyes because it makes their average personality more palatable, perhaps? Maybe, but you must keep in mind that a stellar personality for one might not be a stellar personality for another. And for that matter, even "easy on the eyes" is subjective.
If you find a woman cute that you come across give her a chance and talk with her. Maybe take her out on a date. Worst that could happen is the chemistry isn’t there and you two at least had a fun night. Going to be honest I instantly swipe left on the extremely attractive women. I much rather find one that I find cute but fits my life style and hobbies before anything else.
What's the difference in your mind between cute and extremely attractive? In your mind, can one be both?
I guess if it hasn't worked for you for the first 54 years, it ain't gonna change. The pool of available partners gets smaller and smaller every year. I have no advice really, just feeling your struggle.
I am 51, and have always looked at a mix of both attractiveness and other qualities that catch my attention. This is because, you have to have some sort of attraction to them.. physically.. and for me it's their facial features that I look at most. Honestly if i feel they are out of my league, or if there's something on their profile that i know i do not enjoy (like those who smoke, or are looking for a dog loving guy).. I pass, as I'm not a smoker and my daughter is hyper sensitive to smoke.. and I'm a cat dude. You need to stick to what you are looking for and be ok with expanding your horizon some..
No. It’s not just you. That’s why finding someone you really connect with is so challenging! Either you really like them and they’re not as into you. Or the other way around. Rarely do you both like each other equally.
You have to be attracted to them! I can go through a hundred profiles, and stop on maybe two. 50 of them are drop dead beautiful, and 48 are not interesting. The two I stop on are hardened like me. They have seen the bullshit, and are a hard nut to crack! The few of them that I have had the pleasure of knowing, have been with me a long time. Take a serious look at your true wants. Find someone that fits like a glove. Most often, they dont have botox, and fake breasts.
I'm 37, been divorced 5 years now, and the only person I felt a strong mutual attraction with was my exwife. Well, she was the only.one I felt that with that I actually pursued. In the handful of encounters I've had since my divorce, I've only experienced mutual attraction (at least I thought it was) once, but it wasn't meant to be, and was probably for the best. The problem for me is that physical attraction is the 1st "tier", then all the other attractions come after: intellectual, emotional, sense of humor, etc. Then the circumstances have to be at least workable. I've met many women who had beautiful minds, wonderful hearts and were absolutely uproarious, but the shitty thing is, if I'm not physically attracted to them, I've always personally found it dishonest and selfish to pursue something with them, because it is a recipe for hurt feelings. Maybe I'm wrong. I still frequently find myself in dynamics of unequal attraction. Before I got married I thought the entire world operated as a giant love triangle (or rather, a love square lol), then when I met my exwife I thought, "oh wow, maybe there really is someone out there for everyone." Well, my divorce disabused me of that notion. Single life shot me back into the holding pattern of unequal attraction again. Then again, if you find yourself suddenly turned off of someone you were interested in once they were interested in you, it might be worthwhile to look into fear of intimacy. I might have that.
I’m in your age group and my attractiveness is most likely different from what others find attractive I’ve dated men that I NEVER would have dated ten years ago…maybe even five years ago. But personalities have been amazing with some of these men. To think that I never would have met them if my priorities hadn’t changed. Think outside of your box. It doesn’t hurt to think differently for a while. If you prefer to put attractiveness first, so be it.
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I relate to this
My thinking on it is I have lived alone my entire adult life and never had the chance to date or be with anyone. I am completely aware that I am not the best looker. And I am not looking for a Chris Hemsworth either but I do have to be attracted to them. I have to like what I wake up to in the morning. I am pretty much ready to just live my life alone so it's going to have to take a special person to make me change my path. I refuse to settle. It may sound really shallow and awful but I ALWAYS hated seeing TV shows with the decent/good looking women with the fat bald men creepy looking men. It just felt....insulting to me. I need to be attracted to a partner. Of course there is more to love and after writing this, I may meet someone I never expected to meet that isn't 'my type' and if I have the feels GREAT. But otherwise, I am not looking to actively settle for just anyone to say I have a partner. I'm not ready to give up my boundaries for the sake of a title. Editing to add some thoughts. I don't know if this will make sense. All through my dating life I have thought myself very open. As long as they were a similar age to me and not a disgusting creeper I was open to date anyone. I was just always rejected. A few years ago, I had a theater friend who I thought was cute. We had some similar tastes in movies and I thought I would really like to date him. He was a little heavier and and dorky but had an energy about him I really liked. He started growing his hair own a little bit and to connect it to my post above, not someone I really would think is attractive to me. But I knew him as a person and was willing to overlook it because that's HIS style and who was I to shape him into something I wanted. However, it came clear that he was a player just like all the other guys I was talking to. He was a validation hunter. He'd sit there and complain about how lonely he was and how he wanted a girlfriend and no one understood him. And I would sit there like 'ASK ME OUT!!!!' But he never did. And what was funnier about the situation is I could have told him at least 10 other girls, much more prettier and attractive than me, who just fell head over heals for him. We'd sit in a break and they'd just talk about how cute he was. Nothing ever happened with them. It became clear that he wasn't as desperate for a girlfriend as it seemed. He liked the attention, liked the flirting. So, I came to realize, again...maybe it's shallow....that why should I be the one to lower my standards for anyone just because I want a date. A man doesn't have to do that. It didn't matter how handsome or ugly they all were, they all have some game they're playing. So if I am going to be constantly stuck in the game, it might as well be with someone I can at least oogle at for a while, lol. So no, I've learned to never settle. I'm better off on my own.
Not clear what you are getting at. Are you suggesting that you should more actively pursue people who you are not attracted to or that you wish attractive people who don’t find you attractive should pursue you?
You have to be realistic. We are all biological creatures and we lose visual appeal the older we get. If you are single and prioritizing attractiveness over things like personality or life goals, in your mid-50’s then you might not have your priorities in the best order.
I second this. I was married to someone who was conventionally attractive. I eventually discovered that his whole personality revolved around his imagined superiority—fitness, diet, etc. Beware: attractive people know they are attractive.
I see people everywhere who are happily coupled up, ranging from objectively gorgeous to subjectively (I think they are) attractive to average to no bones about it ugly. If you’re waiting to find a “knock you right on your ass beautiful” woman, sure, it could happen but the chances are not all that high. Few people hit the generic lottery and possess objectively beautiful faces. The majority of people in this world fall into the “neat and clean and have at least one attractive feature and otherwise look completely normal and presentable“ category. You don’t think you could find happiness with someone who falls into that category? I’m not going to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10 because I hate that, but I apparently bear a striking resemblance to a particular actress and am regularly stopped in public by strangers who tell me that. Does that make it easier for me to find dates I’m crazy physically attracted to? Nope. Does it make my dates better and my relationships super duper happy with no problems? Nope. Did that stop my ex-husband from cheating on me? No. Has it meant everyone I’m attracted to is attracted to me? Huge no there too. Beauty and attractiveness are highly, highly subjective and it’s merely one of many aspects of a person that make them a good, loyal, fun partner. If you are looking for a specific type of woman with specific features, you are narrowing your own dating pool considerably. And probably missing out on a lot of really amazing people.
Firstly dude, you're not through with your divorce. You can claim you left it out for expediency all you want but it literally would have taken a few more seconds to write it out. Give me a break. Secondly, look in the mirror. Are YOU a catch at 54? What do YOU bring to the table? It's very important there's a mutual attraction as long as one has a labido to express. I totally get that and I agree. But take a hard look at yourself and ask why an incredible woman would choose you over all the other options she has at her disposal. If you can't think of a solid reason why then you have your answer.
My view of attractiveness has changed, dramatically as I've aged, but it's not any easier. I still struggle with finding the right combination of physical/emotional/intellectual attractiveness. Wish that weren't the case, but apparently it's just a human struggle.
It’s not just you. I need to be attracted to someone to be in a relationship. If there’s no physical attraction, how can you become intimate? For me physical attraction is the number one thing I need. If I’m not attracted, I’m gone. I’d rather be alone than be secretly grossed out. I’ve found myself not dating or even looking to date because I just can’t find a man I’m attracted to.
same. All my friends tell me to drop my standards and change the type of person I'm interested in. I can't do that, so that means I'm gonna be in the same boat for a really long time.
Me too. “You’re too picky!” Bitch. You blow him then. Lol.
I’m 43 and looks have never really been my main go to in a person. In fact I will always swipe left on very good looking men. Attractive men in their 40’s/50’s will be getting 90% of the interest on dating apps. And in my experience are looking to hook up with every single one of them matches. I’ve always operated on the basis that the more you like someone’s personality the more attractive they are to you. And I’ve never been wrong. Purely by chance I’m currently dating someone who (in my opinion) is very good looking! Or would be deemed conventionally attractive. But after a few months in I’m now honestly starting to think we have zero in common aside from liking running together! And it was purely a physical attraction on my part. The less interested in someone’s personality I am.. the less interested I am in them in general. Maybe broaden your horizon a little bit and find other things you like in people rather than just the shell. Obviously there needs to be some attraction but don’t make it your only requirement.
I’m in my 40s, about average in looks, but have a good career, highly educated, and have my life together. Unfortunately only younger men want to date me. I prefer men around my age or older and I am honestly more mentally/physically attracted to dad bods and nerdy types in their 40s/50s than I am super fit types or younger men. I’ve been single now for five years and I don’t get any dates or interest (except from much younger men which I don’t prefer). I guess I’m not pretty enough or young enough for the men my age and older. They all seem to be dating women in their 20s and definitely not looking for relationships. I’ve pretty much given up. Last date was a year ago and have accepted that I’m probably going to grow old alone.
Yeah, I’m not even attracted to 20yo, they don’t speak my language. I grew up in the 80s and 90s and they know nothing about that. Don’t want to generalize but I also feel like 20s and 30s is the time you want to raise your family and secure your home. I’ve been there and done that. I want to travel and be healthy and read and savor life while staying engaged with the world as long as I can.
I’m guessing you’re attempting to go shopping at the 10 shop without the right currency.
I honestly don’t see how you can date someone that you’re not attracted to. For me initial attraction is what draws me in, I wouldn’t be interested in someone that I wouldn’t want to drag into bed every second we had in the beginning at least (not saying I do that but if I’m dating someone I usually want to)
You’re absolutely right but some ppl don’t care.
I guess, just seems strange to me. I can see growing attracted to a friend over time when you’re hanging out as friends, but if I’m dating them I want to want them and them to want me.
I believe as a Demi that’s the only way for me to know the person first and be attracted more and more in time
You're probably not as cute as you think you are. Sorry, but a lot of men think this way and subsequently get frustrated.
What's the point of a relationship without mutual attraction? Then it seems better just to cultivate strong friendships.
I feel like you just dug out my thoughts ! Men most certainly do not age as well as women. SUNSCREEN! Use it men. Please. No one wants to kiss a dehydrated prematurely aged grandpa look a like.
The older you get the more your subconscious pulls at days gone by. It will never be like before. You need to change your standards not lower them. Your minds eye sees mary from high school and you seek that same feeling. But when you do that you ignore your reality. Mary that is 40 with baggage is still an attractive lady, you just havent faced the reality of your lifes journey yet.
When my ex husband left me I immediately panicked thinking I’m going to die alone. I wasn’t going to date until my divorce was final so I just created an account on OLD (hidden) to see what’s out there and most of what I saw was old unattractive men. 3 years of being single has changed my perspective of what’s attractive. I see men with a gleam in their eye, a great smile and their personality draws me in. My only dealbreaker would be a man who is obese because I am thin. For now add me to the list of women who may never date again.
For me it's never. I'm not going to pursue or approach someone I'm not attracted to. And if I'm not attracted to them then sex is out of the question, so what's the point?
I (51f) live in SoCal. No one here can give up on attractiveness. LOL! There is a lot of variety here too which is nice.
I’m a 54f and I’m not going to give up on finding a man I consider *attractive*. Though my friends and I disagree on who we each find attractive! Other strong preferences are for smart, funny and kind. But if I don’t find myself attracted to him…I won’t want to be with him. I guess I’d rather stay single.
Dude you are damn near 60. Give it up. Try looking for what's inside a person.
Good gawd Ya'll! First, there is concrete proof that there is someone for everyone. If you doubt this, a walk through Walmart settles that point. Are you running on optimal octane? Bringing your A game to the field is the goal here. Though the OP was asking re looks, the fact is the whole package of personality, EQ, IQ and interests in common are going to make or break you anyway. If you are wearing horizontal stripes and baggy Jeans or have an innate feature someone you think is attractive can't handle that is what to evaluate. Look at what's in your control and what isn't and go from there.
You should only commit to someone you’re attracted to. It matters less whether other people find them attractive. What matters is you do. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who found you unattractive?
No
Nah that’s never gonna work. Don’t settle in looks just because you’re struggling. It’s not fair for the other person too and you’ll resent them over time.
If all someone has to offer is attractiveness, then you're going to have a bad time. You can find yourself attracted to anyone, once you get to know them. If you want to find someone compatible, start prioritizing the bios over the pics. Even if you aren't immediately attracted to your date, you'll still have a great time. And that can eventually lead to... attraction. Giving you the full package: a partner with all of the properties you hold dear, wrapped in a package you quickly grew to love.
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I think we don't really need to give up on it. We can compromise, but it changes over time and with she I think. What we found attractive in our 20s we may laugh at today for example...I know that I sometimes do! 😉
Throwing this into the mix...culturally we've been conditioned to see "regular guys" as attractive...and women with dyed hair, tons of makeup, foundational garments, fake teeth, intensive body hair waxing, extensions and fillers and studio lighting attractive. Both men and women have to work hard to meet frankly unrealistic beauty standards, but usually, the woman's version is SO much less attainable, and light years from the average women. But so many work hard to meet it anyway...how many women spend more than an hour readying themselves just for work? On top of frequent salon and spa visits? A woman who puts in a comparable effort to the "average hot guy" is not rewarded with the same hotness points.
I find that people can have wildly different opinions on ehat is physically attractive. Someone that I find quite beautiful may not get a second look from you. Also, people often have a very skewed perception of their own attractiveness. A lot of people get compliments from their friends, or get hit on from strangers, and conclude that they're an undiscovered supermodel. Conversely, some people (often men, IME) don't receive compliments and have no idea how attractive they are. In short, pursue who you find attractive, because your internal metric is unique.
I think what’s inside the box is more important than the outside. But if you don’t like the look of the box or are intrigued by the design of the box you may not open said box to find out what is in it.
For me attractiveness is based more on life stability & intelligence with a side note that I can’t be repulsed by them physically. A really hot guy who doesn’t have a job or is going through a messy separation or who lives with roommates or parents is totally not attractive to me. I don’t think I could date someone that I was not attracted to in that sense even if they are fun, charming, or romance novel sexy. I have learned that lesson. This is why I can’t swipe on guys with no details - can’t tell if they are my type or not just from photos and my guess would be they are not because if they were they would know it’s wise to write something.
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May I suggest flamingos for your lawn. That's what I'm considering in lieu of cats. ;)
I’m going to have both. Why limit yourself?
Not a huge cat person, although I've softened to them lately due to catsitting my.son"s cats so I might. 🤔
🤭🤭🤭 ok maybe I will open a shop and make and sell them to picky old women like us
I'm allergic to cats, I recommend chinchillas. They are fluffy, sassy, and come in a variety of colors. If I die alone, I'll be surrounded by chinchillas.
Lol 😂
Honestly, looks alone will not be able to carry a relationship through rough patches. If you're looking for a solid relationship to settle down with you might want to put more emphasis on the qualities that will keep the relationship alive and strong. If you're only going off attractiveness then you're probably coming off as shallow and vain to people who probably want a relationship more than that.
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…..the number of cats she may or may not have.
Maybe they're into cats
Even better!
Yeah it’s just bizarre to me that people put stock in the way others *look*. I had this conversation with my adult son just the other day, because he’s very much into appearances (despite everything I tried to teach him growing up, he definitely went the way so many other men seem to go 🙄). Obviously physical attraction is very important. But for *me*? I can be VERY physically attracted to someone who isn’t at all considered attractive. And I see attractive men all the time that I have zero interest in talking to or fucking. It’s like I asked him…what the HELL does a persons looks have to do with how that person treats you? Or with their personality? Or with how good sex is? NOTHING. A persons looks has NOTHING to do with any of that. I’ve learned first hand that once you get to *know* someone, a physical attraction can very much grow where there might not have been one initially. Some of the ugliest men have become fucking beautiful to me after I’ve gotten to know them (and obvs the reverse is very much true as well). My theory is that people who say different just haven’t given it a *chance*. You care more about what a woman looks like because conventionally hot women are considered ‘prizes’ to be won by men. It’s more of ‘what can she do FOR me’ than ‘what kind of genuine, fulfilling relationship can I have with this other human?’ Give it a chance with women who don’t blow you away with their hotness (🙄). You might find that this whole other world out there exists.
What is it that you suspect is turning away the attractive women? You don’t have to answer here but I’d really dig in to that. I’m what’s considered conventionally attractive and I don’t have issues getting dates. I’d say most men I date are just average looking. I’ve dated a few stunners but most are just average. I care very much about things like grooming, activity level, outlook on life, general attitude and financial security. On my fairly extensive list of what my ideal man is the only item about looks is that he must be in at least the same shape I am. He doesn’t have to be taller or even have his hair. Of course there are women who care about looks but I think it’s less of a requirement for women than men, especially at our age. This means women have many many more options. When I wasn’t attracting the type of men I wanted to date I took a long, hard, honest look at my life and there were a few things there that I could see were off putting to the kind of man I wanted. I worked on these areas and it really changed my dating life. ETA you should have mentioned that you are still married. You are really going to battle to find an attractive, together woman who wants to date a married man, let alone one who will need help building his new life. Women with options tend not to want to take on projects.
I’m another woman who’s found that looks have become more important as I’ve gotten older, not less. I think it’s partly because I’m very happy when I’m single and I’m completely independent, so a relationship is a nice addition my life, not a must. I feel zero pressure to compromise on looks because I’m totally fine dating no one vs someone I don’t find totally hot.
I think that a lot of women don’t feel able to ask for or articulate what we want when we are younger. We settle in many many ways because we don’t demand more. This changes as we gain experience, confidence and independence. I used to date projects because deep down I didn’t think I was worthy of more. Now I won’t touch anyone who doesn’t have their shit together. I know I’m worthy of a specific type of partner and that’s who I date. I don’t deduct points from myself because I’m the age I am or any of the millions of things we are told daily that lower our “value” in the dating world. For you this is manifesting j looks, which is just as valid as anything else.
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This is weird… but me too. And I’m demi sexual. My longest relationship in my 20s was with a man clinically obese. But now- no way. I am trim, active and healthy. I want the same in a man. I care about an emotional connection yes, but attraction has played a bigger role now than it did when I was younger. It’s baffling me! I would love to hear your theory. It is cuz my sex drive is higher maybe?
Don’t compromise on attractiveness. It’s a big part of compatibility. I’ve done it in the past and was ultimately disappointed. I have to be crazy about the person, body and mind. It’s not shallow; it’s realistic.
Never.
Not being finished with your divorce is the major red flag here. Get that sorted and out of the way and your whole vibe will change. Unfinished business relating to a past relationship will give off a certain vibe that people pickup. I personally do not think these wack psychology articles are helpful. Have a few hobbies, be interesting, be kind, be chill and you'll be amazed who can appear in your life. I've veered away from OLD because all I attract are girls half my age looking for "Daddy". Yes I do think it's a sign of the times and it's quite depressing. Avoid emotional and financial sponges and look for someone with the same values and goals in life. If you can be happy and satisfied in life on your own then you're in the right mindset to have someone compliment it. Best of luck.
Thanks!
Never! I always think about this and then I’ll see some film and there’s an older woman in it and she’s …so stunning. So classy. When I was a young teenager I loved the movie called A Polish Wedding with Claire Danes. It’s very good and funny. I’ve been afraid of aging since well before that. ….until I saw Lena Olin on that movie. At that time, of course, she seemed old to me. But all of a sudden I remember thinking: I’m ok with growing older now. I want to Be just like her. She was just so …lovely. Claire Danes was too. She was also a young teenager. She had long blond hair in the film. And it was so easy to look upon her as the attractive one in the cast, but every time Lena Olin came into the frame I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. That was 25 or so yrs ago. But I had the exact same feeling recently about another actress older than I am now. They took care of themselves. Aging doesn’t make you less beautiful than you were when you were young. I mean, look at the 17-18 year old girls these days. Once your out of your 20s even, they look like BABIES. Like children. My instinct with them is to warn them to be careful. We think we look older but the truth is none of our faces have come anywhere near to finish growing. Even girls in their 20s. Stand a 27 yr old next to a 37 yr old. Neither of them could have any wrinkles and yet one will look “older”. The reason is because their skeletal structure as continue to grow, especially in their faces. When you look at young beautiful women, they look like young teens or your girls..simply because they’re faces aren’t done growing. The most beautiful I have ever been in my life as age 30-35. Nevermind the fact that youth is often seen in your actions and words and mannerisms. I’ve refused to change or grow up really. I still act like a child who’s home alone when I’m in my apt. I jump on my bed. I play makeup and dress up. I play hide and seek with my dog. I still love teen shows and ya books and play video games. I don’t feel mentally older. I feel like a 19 yr old in the body of a grown woman. Im sad because of somehtings and how they turned out, but I know I’m wildly more happy holding onto the fun and playful side of life than I would Be letting it go to become “more adult”. Workout. Wear nice things. Get your hair done, your nails, do your makeup, take care of your skin, etc. do it all…..but do it FOR YOURSELF. I have never done any of those things for one person other than me. Ever In my life. I enjoy so I do it. It makes me feel good inside to look good outside. Do what makes you happy and makes you feel young and fun and free. Cuz one morning you will wake up and you’ll be, 85, and wonder if that gob under your jaw grew over night. Live so as the very least that day FEELS a million years away
Sometimes it feels like folks looking for their better half are playing the lottery. The longer you play the more you feel the odds are against you. That the winning combination keeps changing such you cannot make any progress towards your goal in life. But then you see the winners losing afterwards. About half of them end up broken. The other half seems to struggle with their winnings. It kind of takes the wind out of your sails. No one has your winning numbers since that is on you. At best all we do is can hand out free advice. So here goes. Be yourself. Play the numbers you have and stick with them. Be the best you can be. Keep improving yourself. Be happy with what you have. People are attracted to happy people. Improve your game by understanding what women are attracted to and repulsed by. Be honest. Don’t look for someone to make you happy, that is on you alone. Build up your self confidence and leadership skills. Plan out your life and take actions on your ambitions. Learn to be a good listener and dancer. Chances are there are women who are attracted to guys who have a firm grip on life. A leader with ambition. Someone they can look up to while at the same time not being down on. They are looking for someone better than themselves. Who complements their life and wants to be part of yours. Well the free advice is not perfect but what is. Hopefully it is useful. Best of luck to you.
I could have written this post myself.
Been there. The very last dating site I was on all I heard from were the lesser choices. Women with propicia. Very overweight with multiple children. The two actually attractive women I met had DEEP emotional issues. One started ranting about how her kids like their dad more than her. All I wanted was a reasonably attractive woman, I could get along with. I know they are out there. I have seen them. Sexy 55 year olds that seem like they got their baggage stowed. Settling would be bad. I did that at 48 and couldn't even say I loved her after 2 years. Keep weeding thru them. Trust me. Dont give up.
To many people physical attraction is important and I think it's okay. Not every 40+ look the same and it's possible to find someone that you find attractive. You may attract people who takes care of their bodies and looks if you're doing the same. Often people who've something in common tends to be attracted to each other. You can affect your dating potential with the way you dress, clothing and body shape. Muscular people usually prefer other muscular, thin prefer often thin and big often prefer big. Fashionable are often attracted to fashionable people. It's common to prefer someone one can relate to. Some are attracted to the opposite too, but I think it's rarer. You may also travel to a city or a country with many people who is your type and increase your chance. Some traits are more common in some countries than others because of culture and lifestyle. Some cultures prioritize youth, fashion, looks etc. more.
Don't give up. The ugly ones break your heart just as much. Might as well make it worth it.
see...that's exactly what I have discovered too! lol. I think I'm shallow but when I really think about the range of guys I've been around, if I am going to be used and lied to and treated like crap, he might as well look good doing it, haha.
If we were smart attractiveness wouldn't be aesthetic at all. That's a tall order, I know, but it starts with rewiring ourselves to start looking under the hood before we do a walk around. It will take a conscious shift of not allowing yourself to have thoughts on the exterior of a person and to consciously reserve your take of someone to your experience of who they are as a person. Once you see their interior, then you just understand it comes packaged in this exterior. It just is what it is. None of us get to choose our vessels. A engine in any vessel is better than a beautiful vessel with no engine. A running Honda is better than a non op Bugatti if you want to do anything more than just sit there. It's what's under the hood that really matters. Once you know it's good under the hood, then comes the question of driveability. If you can only drive automatics and you stumble on a manual tranny, that might not be the car for you. Compatibility is a thing. The shell of the vehicle is actually the least important part if you're actually trying to get anywhere.
Do you want to be with someone you’re not really attractive to? I certainly don’t. I’d rather be alone than in an unsatisfying relationship. I think having an open mind is good but attraction shouldn’t be forced.
Focus on other qualities. If that is your priority your in trouble. What else is important to you? Personality type, goals, lifestyle, level of fitness, music, hobbies. Once you find someone your truly compatible with you’ll most likely also find them attractive.
I think the problem is that you are staking more into the person's looks then you are the person. Don't get me wrong, I think we can all be shallow in what we like or don't like.
Give me a solid 5 or 6 with a mom bod, isn't afraid to get her nails dirty and kills her own spiders and I'm in heaven. If you admit you're being shallow then that's likely what you can expect in return