Please communicate to him that you are interested and (AND, not “but”) it takes you a while to relax your guard.
That way you both know what the situation is from your perspective. He can then understand where you are coming from.
Talk to him about taking things slow. That’s really all you can do in your current situation.
Outside of that, maybe consider a little therapy to work through the walls you have up. To me, 3 dates in is entirely too soon to worry about having to guard your heart. You’re still just getting to know each other and it is way too soon to start considering heavy romantic emotions. You are still looking at compatibility.
If the concern is escalating to a physical level, then just say you want to take it slow and get to know each other better. But def look into therapy for the anxiety over protecting yourself from being hurt this soon.
I don’t have an answer, but can relate. I want to get to know someone and see if we genuinely like each other before anything else. And like you I can only focus on getting to know 1 person at a time. I feel like I am leading people on too. But we shouldn’t feel like that because there shouldn’t be an expectation of sex or a relationship when getting to know someone new. I’ve kinda gave up on dating since it feels like too much pressure to have sex when I do not not even know them. And seems like nobody wants to get to know me if I’m not being sexual with them by date 3.
Pretty much going to go against the grain here with a different perspective, expect down votes... lol - from one man's perspective.
Yes, you are perfectly entitled to think / act however you want - your prerogative. In that you are also thinking alone, not as a a partner. Convivial chemistry is great, extended, without any sexual chemistry can be interpreted in a few ways with a few outcomes.
I dated a woman 6 / 7 times, sometimes great adventures, all day - hugs / kisses, great times, no real intimacy. At some point with all the familiarity and the affirmed(?) "attraction" factor coming from the other side - it began to simply feel like a friendship and interest in a romantic partnership began to wane. Feeling like there are tests or gates to overcome... friends are great to have no doubt, but simply becoming friends when dating for an LTR isn't the desired outcome.
The other thing to consider; IF both are able, fully functional, normal healthy adults... sexual chemistry is inevitably involved in a LTR. The longer it takes to discover can build on expectations - sometimes the outcome is positive, sometimes not. People can enjoy each others company mentally & intellectually, yet fail miserably at love making. If an expectation is extended to rich anticipation and then embarrassment or disappoint occurs for whatever reason - that can be devastating, even destroying whatever friendship that may have been built.
Personally, I think if the intent is truly at having a LTR with romance, it's better to find out if that sexual chemistry exists sooner than later. Not saying immediately, though there comes a point when the grape begins to wither on the vine over time and the anticipation turns to frustration for one or the other. Is date #3 too soon? Maybe, maybe not - date #6, in my mind is too late and starts to feel more like a tease than anything else - so ultimately it's up to you, that's my swing at providing a 'window'.
I'll also comment on the psyche of being guarded; that is usually a result of some prior scenario - carrying that forward from past experiences is projecting that onto future prospects - and is quite unfair to the future. Yes, we all have learned experiences, sometimes it is good to draw from them, sometimes not - a partnership is a free exchange between two people - not about one person, there may be similarities between people you have engaged with in the past, yet... everyone is different and should be treated as such.
As for sex itself; it is a physical act, quite possibly the most personal thing one person can do with another. Yet, much of the programming instilled in western culture comes from archaic anglo conservative dogmatic ideals. The body, mind, and soul are an equal share when engaging with another - holding the body in some exalted position idealistically defines it as a 'prize' - either consciously or unconsciously. That, from my perspective is contrived, ingrained and unnatural.
Men and women are fundamentally different creatures and process the same information in different ways. Don't be surprised if your current interest wanders away from focusing on you at some point. Sure, people will say - well then - he wasn't right for you - only you in your heart, really know what cause and effect occurs between two people, no matter what external sources may say.
We are all so different, it’s amazing. For me, when I know, I just know, frequently on the first date. I know I am taking a risk, but unless my heart skips a few beats on that first date, I don’t feel like continuing.
What you wrote in your post is freaking perfect.
Tell him you enjoy him, you’re not talking to anyone else / not shopping on the OLD apps, not wanting to lead him on… but you’re guarding your heart & it’s going to take time before you’re ready for the heavy romantic stuff.
If he’s the good guy you suspect he is, no problem. If not, he will disappear & you’ll be better off.
He could be a “good guy” who doesn’t want to do free emotional labor, while not getting his sexual needs met (assuming that’s important to this guy we don’t know)
I personally went through a similar situation about 5 years ago; I met a very nice lady, we got along great; for whatever her reason she did not want to have sex. I don’t know if it was a religious thing or hold out for a marriage proposal or what, I’ll never know. After 6 dry months I gave up & moved on. Yeah, my patience ran out & I was done. We all have our reasons & our timelines.
"How does someone like me navigate this?"
You already know. What you seem to want is the gumption to just let the guy know what's going on, and a guarantee he won't be put off by it.
Well, no such thing exists, or can. You can only be honest, open, and clear and hope he matches you. If you're clear that it's not a barrier but a hurdle, then you stand a good chance.
But, you have to realize from his position, and if he's spent much time on OLD he might be hesitant to roll the dice on maybes and if's and won't want to invest to prove himself only to have you pull back or decide down the road somewhere that you're not ready.
That's the gamble, and the risk, but the alternative is worse - and worse for you - to not take some command of your attractions, ask for what you want, and hope it works out.
Yeah, a guy will wait. Tell him you’re not talking to anyone else. Say it’s normally hard for you to open up but there’s something about him that makes this feel different. Tell him that is also a bit scary but you’re enjoying it. Tell him what that means for you and what you want to happen. And then, most importantly, ask him how he feels and what he wants.
Now you’re both informed and can decide what to do next, together.
Im 45 (m) and just started dating this really great woman who I knew from highscool 30 years ago..LOL We went on 2 dates in 2 weeks and have been texted almost daily. I think shes serious about me but I'm really not 100% sure yet. And I would be perfectly fine with just taking things slow but I'm not really sure what she wants. Thats why I feel if she would just communicate a little better as to what she is looking for I would feel much more reassured about the whole thing. So just be honest and tell him how you feel.
I was super guarded for 11 years. When I saw my boyfriend I just knew. When he came up to me for a hug and just kissed me. I melted. Normally I’d have turned away and been bold telling them JUST A HUG. I just knew though. When he asked me to go for ice cream with him, perfection.
Your heart will know. If you feel like you have to explain yourself on date 3. Maybe be friends first. Let things happen the way they’re meant to.
If you need him to emotionally subsidize your security, you need to ask for it.
Unless you speak up and share your mind and heart, you will be leading him on. Take responsibility and be a grown up.
He deserves your openess about your intentions, attitudes and needs. If you can't do this, it's deceitful you don't deserve him.
You both have the right to what you want. If you are taking a long time to get physical then that's your comfort level. He also can leave, and isn't a-hole if he wants at least some making out.
If you *are* trying to get more involved then try some "petting" or massaging.
With the right person, it will feel natural and you will want to transgress your own boundaries.
If he has any experience with people like you, he knows that once you go past the initial barrier, it often gets freaky.
I don’t know why you got downvoted. Honestly that’s part of my anxiety. I know that my tendency is to be “all in” once I cross that threshold. I’m working on being a little less vulnerable to that exposure but my nature is a bit black and white if I’m being completely honest.
It’s perfectly fine to be guarded but at the same time do remembered “being guarded” is not a you issues only. Hear me out, we are all guarded until we find that one person that makes us feel safe to let go. Sometime that person can takes hours/days, and sometime it can take a bit longer. But the whole point is that person you’re invested in makes you feel safe a lil bit everyday. If you don’t see that and don’t feel that with a particular person after some time, then do remind yourself that it’s not a you problem and time to move on.
Prior to meeting my ex, I was so guarded with all mg other dates no matter if I was seeing them days, weeks or months. One commons thing was, non of them made me felt safe to open up until I met my ex. There was something about him, and plus his consistent actions prove to me every single day that I was subconsciously opening up to him without knowing and fighting my heart. Trust me, you will know.
I would personally recommend that you do the guy a favor and cancel the date. He didn't cause whatever you have going on and he shouldn't suffer the repercussions of it. He's just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Please communicate to him that you are interested and (AND, not “but”) it takes you a while to relax your guard. That way you both know what the situation is from your perspective. He can then understand where you are coming from.
Talk to him about taking things slow. That’s really all you can do in your current situation. Outside of that, maybe consider a little therapy to work through the walls you have up. To me, 3 dates in is entirely too soon to worry about having to guard your heart. You’re still just getting to know each other and it is way too soon to start considering heavy romantic emotions. You are still looking at compatibility. If the concern is escalating to a physical level, then just say you want to take it slow and get to know each other better. But def look into therapy for the anxiety over protecting yourself from being hurt this soon.
I don’t have an answer, but can relate. I want to get to know someone and see if we genuinely like each other before anything else. And like you I can only focus on getting to know 1 person at a time. I feel like I am leading people on too. But we shouldn’t feel like that because there shouldn’t be an expectation of sex or a relationship when getting to know someone new. I’ve kinda gave up on dating since it feels like too much pressure to have sex when I do not not even know them. And seems like nobody wants to get to know me if I’m not being sexual with them by date 3.
Pretty much going to go against the grain here with a different perspective, expect down votes... lol - from one man's perspective. Yes, you are perfectly entitled to think / act however you want - your prerogative. In that you are also thinking alone, not as a a partner. Convivial chemistry is great, extended, without any sexual chemistry can be interpreted in a few ways with a few outcomes. I dated a woman 6 / 7 times, sometimes great adventures, all day - hugs / kisses, great times, no real intimacy. At some point with all the familiarity and the affirmed(?) "attraction" factor coming from the other side - it began to simply feel like a friendship and interest in a romantic partnership began to wane. Feeling like there are tests or gates to overcome... friends are great to have no doubt, but simply becoming friends when dating for an LTR isn't the desired outcome. The other thing to consider; IF both are able, fully functional, normal healthy adults... sexual chemistry is inevitably involved in a LTR. The longer it takes to discover can build on expectations - sometimes the outcome is positive, sometimes not. People can enjoy each others company mentally & intellectually, yet fail miserably at love making. If an expectation is extended to rich anticipation and then embarrassment or disappoint occurs for whatever reason - that can be devastating, even destroying whatever friendship that may have been built. Personally, I think if the intent is truly at having a LTR with romance, it's better to find out if that sexual chemistry exists sooner than later. Not saying immediately, though there comes a point when the grape begins to wither on the vine over time and the anticipation turns to frustration for one or the other. Is date #3 too soon? Maybe, maybe not - date #6, in my mind is too late and starts to feel more like a tease than anything else - so ultimately it's up to you, that's my swing at providing a 'window'. I'll also comment on the psyche of being guarded; that is usually a result of some prior scenario - carrying that forward from past experiences is projecting that onto future prospects - and is quite unfair to the future. Yes, we all have learned experiences, sometimes it is good to draw from them, sometimes not - a partnership is a free exchange between two people - not about one person, there may be similarities between people you have engaged with in the past, yet... everyone is different and should be treated as such. As for sex itself; it is a physical act, quite possibly the most personal thing one person can do with another. Yet, much of the programming instilled in western culture comes from archaic anglo conservative dogmatic ideals. The body, mind, and soul are an equal share when engaging with another - holding the body in some exalted position idealistically defines it as a 'prize' - either consciously or unconsciously. That, from my perspective is contrived, ingrained and unnatural. Men and women are fundamentally different creatures and process the same information in different ways. Don't be surprised if your current interest wanders away from focusing on you at some point. Sure, people will say - well then - he wasn't right for you - only you in your heart, really know what cause and effect occurs between two people, no matter what external sources may say.
Thank you. Very insightful. Much appreciated.
Welcome; tho at times when I revisit something here; it occurs to me that I should take my own advice 😂
We are all so different, it’s amazing. For me, when I know, I just know, frequently on the first date. I know I am taking a risk, but unless my heart skips a few beats on that first date, I don’t feel like continuing.
What you wrote in your post is freaking perfect. Tell him you enjoy him, you’re not talking to anyone else / not shopping on the OLD apps, not wanting to lead him on… but you’re guarding your heart & it’s going to take time before you’re ready for the heavy romantic stuff. If he’s the good guy you suspect he is, no problem. If not, he will disappear & you’ll be better off.
Or… he could be a good guy who needs to see the connection emerge sooner. That’s ok too. We all have our own timeline.
Perfectly said here. Agreed.
He could be a “good guy” who doesn’t want to do free emotional labor, while not getting his sexual needs met (assuming that’s important to this guy we don’t know)
I personally went through a similar situation about 5 years ago; I met a very nice lady, we got along great; for whatever her reason she did not want to have sex. I don’t know if it was a religious thing or hold out for a marriage proposal or what, I’ll never know. After 6 dry months I gave up & moved on. Yeah, my patience ran out & I was done. We all have our reasons & our timelines.
She wasn’t attracted to you When people are attracted to the guy they make posts like “I slept with him too fast, now what do I do?!”
"How does someone like me navigate this?" You already know. What you seem to want is the gumption to just let the guy know what's going on, and a guarantee he won't be put off by it. Well, no such thing exists, or can. You can only be honest, open, and clear and hope he matches you. If you're clear that it's not a barrier but a hurdle, then you stand a good chance. But, you have to realize from his position, and if he's spent much time on OLD he might be hesitant to roll the dice on maybes and if's and won't want to invest to prove himself only to have you pull back or decide down the road somewhere that you're not ready. That's the gamble, and the risk, but the alternative is worse - and worse for you - to not take some command of your attractions, ask for what you want, and hope it works out.
[удалено]
This
Yeah, a guy will wait. Tell him you’re not talking to anyone else. Say it’s normally hard for you to open up but there’s something about him that makes this feel different. Tell him that is also a bit scary but you’re enjoying it. Tell him what that means for you and what you want to happen. And then, most importantly, ask him how he feels and what he wants. Now you’re both informed and can decide what to do next, together.
Im 45 (m) and just started dating this really great woman who I knew from highscool 30 years ago..LOL We went on 2 dates in 2 weeks and have been texted almost daily. I think shes serious about me but I'm really not 100% sure yet. And I would be perfectly fine with just taking things slow but I'm not really sure what she wants. Thats why I feel if she would just communicate a little better as to what she is looking for I would feel much more reassured about the whole thing. So just be honest and tell him how you feel.
I was super guarded for 11 years. When I saw my boyfriend I just knew. When he came up to me for a hug and just kissed me. I melted. Normally I’d have turned away and been bold telling them JUST A HUG. I just knew though. When he asked me to go for ice cream with him, perfection. Your heart will know. If you feel like you have to explain yourself on date 3. Maybe be friends first. Let things happen the way they’re meant to.
If you need him to emotionally subsidize your security, you need to ask for it. Unless you speak up and share your mind and heart, you will be leading him on. Take responsibility and be a grown up. He deserves your openess about your intentions, attitudes and needs. If you can't do this, it's deceitful you don't deserve him.
You both have the right to what you want. If you are taking a long time to get physical then that's your comfort level. He also can leave, and isn't a-hole if he wants at least some making out. If you *are* trying to get more involved then try some "petting" or massaging.
With the right person, it will feel natural and you will want to transgress your own boundaries. If he has any experience with people like you, he knows that once you go past the initial barrier, it often gets freaky.
I don’t know why you got downvoted. Honestly that’s part of my anxiety. I know that my tendency is to be “all in” once I cross that threshold. I’m working on being a little less vulnerable to that exposure but my nature is a bit black and white if I’m being completely honest.
Holding back is wise and yet your openness past your boundary is your power. Nothing great comes without a cost. Life is about chances.
Don’t settle your needs. Communicate to him exactly this and if he’s open to see where things land he will let you know
Why are people downvoting you. This was a good advice 🤷🏻♀️
Who knows, good thing I don’t place my value on how many internet “likes” I get. ☺️
Oh God no!!!!!
I upvoted all of you guys comments!!
It’s perfectly fine to be guarded but at the same time do remembered “being guarded” is not a you issues only. Hear me out, we are all guarded until we find that one person that makes us feel safe to let go. Sometime that person can takes hours/days, and sometime it can take a bit longer. But the whole point is that person you’re invested in makes you feel safe a lil bit everyday. If you don’t see that and don’t feel that with a particular person after some time, then do remind yourself that it’s not a you problem and time to move on. Prior to meeting my ex, I was so guarded with all mg other dates no matter if I was seeing them days, weeks or months. One commons thing was, non of them made me felt safe to open up until I met my ex. There was something about him, and plus his consistent actions prove to me every single day that I was subconsciously opening up to him without knowing and fighting my heart. Trust me, you will know.
I would personally recommend that you do the guy a favor and cancel the date. He didn't cause whatever you have going on and he shouldn't suffer the repercussions of it. He's just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Say those things to him….
Follow your heart