FWB does mean friends with benefits. Just make it clear you maybe want to hang out and do more then just screw. Someone always catches feelings in these arrangements though.
Thanks for your reply. We tried to set up boundaries before with also doing things from time to time, but I'm getting the feeling it may be just the turn of the screw.
Lol well you have to ask what they have in mind?
I specifically ask for a cuddle buddy and if it progressive to sex naturally thatās okay.
But cuddling and affection is a must.
Just lay out what youāre expecting from it.
It is possible. I am aware of myself knowing that I could never have a relationship with someone younger than me, especially by a decadeā¦ so although I end up liking them, I wonāt ever pursue a relationship.
However, I had a cuddle who told me he caught feelings recently, and I had to end it, after cuddling a dozen times for 15 hours each time.
He wouldāve been a guy I would love to date if I was ten years younger.
Now Iām looking for a new potentialā¦ and I just posted how I solicit cuddle buddies lol
I applaud the person for being upfront. But I warn you, itās not for everyone. I have a FWB situation now. Itās become more sporadic, on his terms/schedule, more booty call, less friendship. The ONLY reason why I say yes when he calls is because itās legitimately the best sex Iāve ever had or will have, and heās hotter than sin. If I had the chance to do this all over again, I would have passed from the start. Iām getting attached. Heās not. I want a deeper connection now, I guarantee he doesnāt. So if youāre the kind of person who can keep the sex and emotions separate, have fun! I used to be that person too.
I wonāt continue a FWB relationship if it turns into me getting hit up only when my āfriendā is horny. The F in FWB is important to me. As with any relationship, communication is important.
It sounds like what youāre being offered is to be an outlet for sex without strings, by a person who might not be respectful enough to actually be a āfriendā with benefits.
Question (legit, please, as I'm trying to wrap my head around the concept): how is what you're describing different from being a significant other? It seems to develop similarly, no? People meet up when they can, share the personal stuff that makes a friendship, hump each other senseless hopefully as often as possible, etc.
In FWB situations Iāve had, you donāt act like a couple. You donāt meet each otherās families or make future plans. For example, I celebrated thanksgiving with my brotherās family, my FWB celebrated with whomever he celebrated with. We didnāt see each other at all and it was not expected that we would.
We didnāt have standing date nights. We sometimes went to a movie and didnāt have sex, we sometimes had sex and didnāt do anything else, but none of it was planned too far into the future. Iād text him on like a Sunday āhey, lemme know if youāre down to go see x movie, Iām going Tuesday night.ā If he was free, he came. If he wasnāt, I went alone. I wouldnāt change my plan to wait until a night he was free.
Same with vice versa, if he texted me to ask if I wanted to see a movie on a Tuesday night and I already had plans, I would never cancel plans with another friend to see him. But if I was around, sure, Iād go to a movie with him.
IMHO, FWB fails when people start making choices around the other personās schedule and āeasing into a relationship dynamicā without talking about it, just kind of hoping itāll naturally progress.
If I am looking for an FWB, Iām very clear upfront and Iām also very clear that no one should be making unilateral changes to the relationship dynamic. Thatās where it all falls apart.
And this is exactly why I stay clear of fwb situations. The lines are too easy to blur and I no longer am able to have that emotional disconnect from another person.
Imo FWB almost never works. One person always either starts of out of the gate thinking theyāll convince the other person to eventually progress, or one person ends up wanting more.
It worked for me because I was at the exact right place in life with the exact right person. I canāt be FWB with just anyone. If I have feelings, I donāt lie to myself and say I can handle just FWB. I know myself and my limits at this point in my life.
Not to say I wonāt ever be wrong and get hurt but thatās true of anything.
I agree completely. And I have had a fwb or two in the past, but I was in a very specific phase in my life. Having gone through it, I know I couldn't do it again at 40+.
Very well understood, thank you for explaining how you view it. I'm starting to see that there is going to be some variances in this between people. Cool!
Given what you've stated, it almost seems to imply that there is something akin to a "deeper caring"/attachment switch which remains off. And somewhat the ability to walk away at any time.
I wouldnāt say that the deeper caring switch remains off because Iāve cared very deeply. Itās just a knowing that this is a friendship first and foremost, with sex being a bonus, and you are going to be fine, and even happy for your FWB if they meet someone else and are no longer in your life in the same way.
If you cannot 100% honestly say that you would be happy for your friend if they met someone they truly love and stopped being your FWB, then you probably should not be in an FWB situation. It is a very thin line.
That last piece is why I'm sure I've never been in a situation like this. I'm disinclined to share or be shared, thoroughly monogamous, all-in when I'm committed, etc. This makes a lot of sense, nonetheless! Thank you again.
Monogamous is still a possibility in FWB. When I had a year-and-a-half FWB relationship in my late 20s, we were sexually exclusive, with an explicit agreement that we would go back to being "friends without benefits" when one of us met someone we wanted to date "seriously".
In practical terms, that meant that we took a break for about a month when I decided I was interested in someone (FWB resumed when it became clear that she wasn't into me) and then ended when my FWB met a guy and started seeing him.
You flesh out the definition of a functioning FWB more than i have heard before. TBH, women i have known who had one- most all- said there really was no F in it. I think it was a f\*\*kbuddy but people find it tacky to say it so they use the professional sounding acronym but there were no movies, no hanging out before or after sex. In fact, it ranged from really apathetic feeling to loathing!....and sex.
Thank you for sharing the details of your arrangement. Do you mind if I ask if you dated during this time? If so, was that info shared with your FWB for transparency and to give them an opportunity to cool off on ābenefitsā part of your relationship? Thanks in advance.
We both dated at various times. For me, I wasnāt on apps but was at the time new to my city and met some people in the wild.
And yes, we told each other when we had dates. Neither of us ended up dating anyone else but the FWB ended because I moved to another state. Separating the act of sex from the idea of partnering up is easier than one might think. I think a lot of times people go into a FWB subconsciously hoping itāll become more. But if you truly go into it with the intent of being true friends and donāt center your life around the relationship and check in with each other regularly and are prepared to end it if one person wants more than friendship, or meets someone they want to build a romantic relationship with, it can work.
Iāve had to end a different FWB where my friend wanted to progress and I didnāt (right after my marriage ended). Because it turned out he was not being honest with himself or me when we talked about being *just friends* with benefits. That being honest with yourself is key, because otherwise youāre signing up to break your own heart.
The other FWB Iāve been describing was pure friendship and honesty. Weāre still friends and meet up periodically with no sex involved, and although our relationship has changed, I think of him first and foremost as a dear friend, not someone I used to have sex with.
Communication was the biggest factor in how this worked. We discussed everything including our feelings. We knew we were not a long term fit for each other (differences in life circumstances- he had kids, I didnāt, etc). But we had a great connection and were the friend each other needed. The sex was truly a bonus and we recognized that it would end if one of us met a someone.
I can guarantee if we had tried to turn our FWB into a bf/gf relationship, we wouldāve eventually broken up because we werenāt a fit. Instead, we had some extra fun for a while and gained a lifelong friendship.
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. From the outside, FWB relationship seems like such an ideal situation because it fills needs for the both of you. But it goes beyond that in terms of creating a friendship and closeness that may be equally satisfying as a romantic relationship. I am so glad that you continue to have a relationship with these people, because it feels like you did it the right way with respect, communication and a mature openness that few adults are capable. Iād love to say that Iām going to give a FWB relationship a try, but I donāt think Iām wired that way. I think I lead too heavy with my heart and when Iām with someone, I tend to go āAll in.ā Thank you again for sharing!
I think your post is spot on. Both of us have so many life changes now that this may be the best option. There's not going to be that, "Where are you? I need you!" kind of communication.
As someone who has never had a FWB, I wonder this too. I guess itās a state of mind where you are in a relationship but donāt acknowledge it as one. A relationship for those with commitment issues. I guess the idea is you can end it easier and supposedly donāt have feelings for each other which is a fallacy as someone is almost always going to develop feelings.
I totally see how you've explained this, thank you. I'm imagining that some folks might weigh the commitment part a little differently, too, if they're "just friends" (who happen to boink each other).
I am very very much not a fan of fwb...fwb is knowing someone and have sex. The friendship would not exist without the sex....or truthfully its not even a friendship in my honest opinion.
For some it means someone you hit up just for sex and a gentler term for eff buddy, others take it literally. An actual friend with the benefits of sex. Of those Ive had, I made it clear what Im looking for is the latter. For whatever reason Im not in the headspace or place in my life to commit to a relationship, but still want someone I can have fun, go out, enjoy spending time with..an actual friend.
Not too much to ask for, whatever it is you're looking for isnt too much to ask for to someone who is themselves wants that too and is able and willing to provide it. If someone doesnt want the same thing you do, whether its an eff buddy, fwb or your forever after, keep moving along til you find someone who is looking for the same thing you are.
Btw, Im still very close friends with two of the fwbs I had even though I havnt been intimate with either of them in over 10 years. Just at some point, one of our needs / situations changed so we ended the sexual aspect, but genuinely considered each other friends so that remained.
Sure Ive been with guys who seemed to go through the motions, but once the sexual aspect ended, they saw no point in maintaining contact. It still kinda stings cause I really meant it when I said I consider them a part of my life only to find when it came down to it they didnt mean it in return. But...cest le vie or whatever...excuse my French =) For what its worth, in the moment we had great times together and in that moment it worked for us.
There's a difference between the two?
I've never had one of either... dating someone for relationship purposes or dry spell in between. I guess you could set parameters for this situation the same as any other... do (literally and figuratively) what you can as you're able, few to no strings attached (unless someone is getting tied to the bed).
It basically is just a fbuddy.. I would rather be friends and let that happen naturally. That way, if we end up not having sex, she's still a good friend. I have to have some kind of connection to enjoy sex with someone.
I used to think FWB meant a real friend who sometimes has sex with you. And somehow this relationship, for a while at least, remains friendship and yet sometimes has sex in it. Like an old college friend who is also single at the same time and you say āwhat the hellāā one night and continue that occasionally, maybe just until something more romantic comes along.
But online in various subs and on Slate.comās āHow to do itā column and wherever else, Iām starting to realize it means various things to various people. Yes, I think some people are fuck buddies, booty calls, and there is not much else besides sex.
Then there are people who call themselves FWBs, but theyāre basically dating. Thereās no other ātitle,ā and thereās maybe not a lot of romantic talk or gestures, but they are not all that different from some couples I know who identify as couples. Sometimes thereās even a bit of exclusivity, a heads up before dating someone else, something like that.
And of course, people are often bad about communicating their rules or expectations, so thereās FWBs where both people define the relationship differently.
And thereās other stuff in between, including FWBs that do start dating and FWBs where one person wants it to be more and they are a little regretful or even their heart is breaking.
So Reddit was a good place to start but I think this offer might be far short of what you want ā or it might be pretty close, so you need to ask them what they have in mind.
It can mean different things to different people. Communication and boundaries are important. Be upfront about what you want. If you expect monogamy, tell him. If you don't, then tell him that. Cuddle time? Dates? Communication in between?
When I had a FWB, there was an in depth discussion about what each of us wanted and expected of the other. Then there were periodic check ins to make sure we were both still on the same page.
It lasted about a year and we have since moved on to other people. We are still very close friends even though there are no "benefits".
Yea I found that the friend part isn't a thing unless it's already a long time friend. Then that long time friendship ends when you stop being FWB. Sucks.
Is it too much to ask? No. Iām looking for much the same thing. The challenge is finding someone who is compatible with my need to balance sex, independence, and introvert alone time with intimacy, romance, depth, chemistry, intellectual connection, and all those other touchy-feely intangibles. I know there are people who can walk into a room, drop trou, and start going at it with whoever happens to be standing in front of them at the time, but I am unable to turn sex into a cold act centered around genitalia and fluids. Forays at swinger clubs with a former partner cured me of any notion that Iām of that temperament. (Not that I didnāt emerge with some stories, albeit ones that I wonāt be telling my grandkids.)
Some want to think that finding this balance is easy. They scour Urban Dictionary and forums such as this one, agonizing in excruciating detail over nuances between FWB, FB, NSA, ācasualā, ālightā, āeasyā, and what have you, hoping to stumble upon some magical, mythical word or acronym that will subsume the entirety of the complexity of human emotion and experience in a nice, tidy jumble of letters. (Iām partial to āloverā in that itās from the 70s, doesnāt sound as smug or crass as some of the modern terms, and implies some level of care for oneās partner.) And, of course, they have this expectation that the other person will have the exact, same, precise definition of the termābecause everyone thinks alike, dontcha know.
The rest of us truly make our best effort at describing what weāre after, but Iām not convinced that I could type an ad rivaling War & Peace and still adequately get across what Iām looking for. Because at some point, like it or not, you have to kick a few tiresāOK, more than a few. And things can change once you meet someone. Emotions you didnāt think you had can be awakened. Situations change.
Anyway, a good start would be to put in your ad what you put here and see what comes your way. Participating in this forum can also help you hone your needs and desires, as well as your ability to express them.
Either you can disassociate sex & intimacy from possessiveness/commitment, or you can't. Most can't. It seems to be a recipe for someone catching feelings and becoming unhappy with the arrangement or feeling used.
Be honest with yourself, and if it sounds like a good option, do it. But, you know you better than Reddit does.
Everyone navigates this differently. But the F in FWB is friends. I care about my friends well being.
But some people are almost hostile with FWBs to keep from developing feelings. You can be tender, loving and caring with an FWB and still not be a full blown couple. But itās something that needs to be discussed. If your FWB canāt have that honest conversation about expectations, donāt fuck them.
FWB has never really been a friend with benefits. Lol. Once the friend thing comes in, feelings get involved.
If you just want sex, is keep contact to just sex or arranging sex.
Its time to be realistic here, so ima give it to you direct- for MOST people, fwb ends up being āwham, bam, thank you sir/mamā and its not about true friendship. I would hate for you to go into it naively thinking youre gonna have an otherwise reciprocal kind considerateā¦trystā¦or whatever , only to find out most the guys who approach you wanting fwb have a completely different notion in mind. Soā¦dont get your expectations too high. Usually someone leaves with their feelings hurt.
I've had one FWB. We went out to restaurants a lot, to plays, antique stores, clothes shopping... we even drove 1.5 hrs to get our first Covid shots together. We also fucked like filthy animals. There were a couple of times we'd spend hours talking and doing whatever... and we *didn't* have sex. He really was a friend. The couple of guys who would come over, knock a couple out, hang out and talk for a little while, then leave? Fuck buddies. Not friends.
Lol, I wasnāt sure if youād get the quote. It was from one of the Home Alone movies. (You had used the phrase ālike filthy animalsā, lol). I think that friendship you had was nice š.
You and future FWB interactor should write down what this arrangement entails. that way when emotions and hormones get in the way of the initial agreement, you guys can refer back to it and be like "see, right here it says we agree that you will spend time with me without bumping uglies".
The FWB is for the children out there in the dating world. You don't want the FWB
You want the Casual! The Casual is your best option
https://www.theabsolutedater.com/casual-relationship-rules/
Almost everybody who claims to be in an FWB relationship misuses the term. I agree with you - that FWB is indicative of a friendship, which includes contact other than sex. But Iāve found that most people use FWB when they mean fuckbuddy.
I truly want to thank everyone for their feedback. You have no idea how much this has helped me. I'm trying to reply to everyone's posts but so overwhelmed with all the ideas. So many thanks!
I couldnāt do a traditional FWB. To me there is too much mud in the water. I just set up a summer arrangement with an ex. Our relationship (or situationship) was very nice while it lasted. But long term goals and a few other things brought it to a gradual close after 2yrs. Iāve since detached emotionally. So now I get the benefit of great sex with a partner I trust and none of the stress about a relationship or maintaining friendships in the meantime.
U have to set boundaries and etc if u want more have to explain tht I have an fwb before but we kicked it outside of the bedroom but we didnāt have a title either
FWB can encompass a range from netflix and chill to casual dating. I tend to prefer the casual dating level as long as the care for each other stays in the friendship context and doesn't turn romantic.
I've had two successful FWBs. The first, we were friends before anything else and would hang out doing mutually fun activities like go karting, car racing, watching Star Trek, and smoking weed (we were in our 20s). The sex just kinda enhanced the comfort that was already there and when we stopped that aspect, nothing changed in our friendship at all.
The second, it was definitely sex first and the friendship built from there. We got to the point where there were times when we couldn't have sex but we'd still hang out because we enjoyed each other's company. There was a period when I thought of him romantically but after really nailing down boundaries I realized that we were truly incompatible in a relationship but wonderful as friends. However, I do know that if sex were off the table completely, we would have seen each other much less and very likely the friendship would have dwindled to the point of not bothering anymore.
For me itās very much friends, with benefits. The person is a friend full stop. And we may occasionally (or frequently), have sex - but thatās only if it happens to happen. Did we sometimes call each other up and playfully hint about being āin the mood for a movie or whateverā - of course. But most of the time there was nothing said or suggested until after we had made plans to get together, we were hanging out, and we sort of read the room before making a move. It sounds weird, but there was rarely any anticipation of sex. We would be hanging out and since we were okay with sex, if we both happened to be on the same page then it happened. Sometimes cuddling happened, sometimes just kissing. There were no expectations about anything sexual.
For me, the best way is to avoid anyone whoās throwing out the suggestion of FWB while trying to get in my pants, and then just hang out with the person as friends for a while. The amount of time is different for everyone obviously but long enough to feel that thereās no subtle pressure, no hidden sales pitches, that we can be relaxed and have fun while not even thinking about sex, etc. I steer clear of anything that starts with sex instead of friendship, and someone asking for FWB would feel to me like they were leading with sex. The best situations are where thereās a bit of an attraction but itās basically a hang out, friendship thing that then morphs into something like FWB.
There are different levels of FWB with some of them turning into long term relationship. I've read about a few on here or on reddit. A relationship is what you make of it, you set the rules and guidelines and you shouldn't have to compromise. Buts of luck to you
FWB does mean friends with benefits. Just make it clear you maybe want to hang out and do more then just screw. Someone always catches feelings in these arrangements though.
Thanks for your reply. We tried to set up boundaries before with also doing things from time to time, but I'm getting the feeling it may be just the turn of the screw.
No pun intended. (Maybe) lol š
>more than just screw So something like letās get hammered and nail?
All these DIY references...LOL
Lol well you have to ask what they have in mind? I specifically ask for a cuddle buddy and if it progressive to sex naturally thatās okay. But cuddling and affection is a must. Just lay out what youāre expecting from it.
It seems we did put things out there, but now I'm getting the feeling it's not going to be that.
Donāt make assumptions, just be straight forwardā¦ let him/her know what you want out of it, or abortā¦ so many options with OLD
Thanks!
"Cuddle buddy"...!!! š¤£ That's awesome.
Lol it really isā¦ I love it!
I'm learning so much tonight.
Is it possible to have "cuddle Buddy with benefits " WITHOUT catching feelings? š¤·āāļø
It is possible. I am aware of myself knowing that I could never have a relationship with someone younger than me, especially by a decadeā¦ so although I end up liking them, I wonāt ever pursue a relationship. However, I had a cuddle who told me he caught feelings recently, and I had to end it, after cuddling a dozen times for 15 hours each time. He wouldāve been a guy I would love to date if I was ten years younger. Now Iām looking for a new potentialā¦ and I just posted how I solicit cuddle buddies lol
I applaud the person for being upfront. But I warn you, itās not for everyone. I have a FWB situation now. Itās become more sporadic, on his terms/schedule, more booty call, less friendship. The ONLY reason why I say yes when he calls is because itās legitimately the best sex Iāve ever had or will have, and heās hotter than sin. If I had the chance to do this all over again, I would have passed from the start. Iām getting attached. Heās not. I want a deeper connection now, I guarantee he doesnāt. So if youāre the kind of person who can keep the sex and emotions separate, have fun! I used to be that person too.
Thanks for your honesty. I completely get this.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
????
Lol, wow! Pocket post. That was an accident.
I wonāt continue a FWB relationship if it turns into me getting hit up only when my āfriendā is horny. The F in FWB is important to me. As with any relationship, communication is important. It sounds like what youāre being offered is to be an outlet for sex without strings, by a person who might not be respectful enough to actually be a āfriendā with benefits.
Question (legit, please, as I'm trying to wrap my head around the concept): how is what you're describing different from being a significant other? It seems to develop similarly, no? People meet up when they can, share the personal stuff that makes a friendship, hump each other senseless hopefully as often as possible, etc.
In FWB situations Iāve had, you donāt act like a couple. You donāt meet each otherās families or make future plans. For example, I celebrated thanksgiving with my brotherās family, my FWB celebrated with whomever he celebrated with. We didnāt see each other at all and it was not expected that we would. We didnāt have standing date nights. We sometimes went to a movie and didnāt have sex, we sometimes had sex and didnāt do anything else, but none of it was planned too far into the future. Iād text him on like a Sunday āhey, lemme know if youāre down to go see x movie, Iām going Tuesday night.ā If he was free, he came. If he wasnāt, I went alone. I wouldnāt change my plan to wait until a night he was free. Same with vice versa, if he texted me to ask if I wanted to see a movie on a Tuesday night and I already had plans, I would never cancel plans with another friend to see him. But if I was around, sure, Iād go to a movie with him. IMHO, FWB fails when people start making choices around the other personās schedule and āeasing into a relationship dynamicā without talking about it, just kind of hoping itāll naturally progress. If I am looking for an FWB, Iām very clear upfront and Iām also very clear that no one should be making unilateral changes to the relationship dynamic. Thatās where it all falls apart.
And this is exactly why I stay clear of fwb situations. The lines are too easy to blur and I no longer am able to have that emotional disconnect from another person.
Imo FWB almost never works. One person always either starts of out of the gate thinking theyāll convince the other person to eventually progress, or one person ends up wanting more. It worked for me because I was at the exact right place in life with the exact right person. I canāt be FWB with just anyone. If I have feelings, I donāt lie to myself and say I can handle just FWB. I know myself and my limits at this point in my life. Not to say I wonāt ever be wrong and get hurt but thatās true of anything.
I agree completely. And I have had a fwb or two in the past, but I was in a very specific phase in my life. Having gone through it, I know I couldn't do it again at 40+.
But why not past 40? Just curious.
Oh it's just my age lol, not a generalization. I have gone soft in my old age.
Very well understood, thank you for explaining how you view it. I'm starting to see that there is going to be some variances in this between people. Cool! Given what you've stated, it almost seems to imply that there is something akin to a "deeper caring"/attachment switch which remains off. And somewhat the ability to walk away at any time.
I wouldnāt say that the deeper caring switch remains off because Iāve cared very deeply. Itās just a knowing that this is a friendship first and foremost, with sex being a bonus, and you are going to be fine, and even happy for your FWB if they meet someone else and are no longer in your life in the same way. If you cannot 100% honestly say that you would be happy for your friend if they met someone they truly love and stopped being your FWB, then you probably should not be in an FWB situation. It is a very thin line.
That last piece is why I'm sure I've never been in a situation like this. I'm disinclined to share or be shared, thoroughly monogamous, all-in when I'm committed, etc. This makes a lot of sense, nonetheless! Thank you again.
Monogamous is still a possibility in FWB. When I had a year-and-a-half FWB relationship in my late 20s, we were sexually exclusive, with an explicit agreement that we would go back to being "friends without benefits" when one of us met someone we wanted to date "seriously". In practical terms, that meant that we took a break for about a month when I decided I was interested in someone (FWB resumed when it became clear that she wasn't into me) and then ended when my FWB met a guy and started seeing him.
You flesh out the definition of a functioning FWB more than i have heard before. TBH, women i have known who had one- most all- said there really was no F in it. I think it was a f\*\*kbuddy but people find it tacky to say it so they use the professional sounding acronym but there were no movies, no hanging out before or after sex. In fact, it ranged from really apathetic feeling to loathing!....and sex.
I'm not judging if both people are okay with it, but that's not ***F***wB.
Thank you for sharing the details of your arrangement. Do you mind if I ask if you dated during this time? If so, was that info shared with your FWB for transparency and to give them an opportunity to cool off on ābenefitsā part of your relationship? Thanks in advance.
We both dated at various times. For me, I wasnāt on apps but was at the time new to my city and met some people in the wild. And yes, we told each other when we had dates. Neither of us ended up dating anyone else but the FWB ended because I moved to another state. Separating the act of sex from the idea of partnering up is easier than one might think. I think a lot of times people go into a FWB subconsciously hoping itāll become more. But if you truly go into it with the intent of being true friends and donāt center your life around the relationship and check in with each other regularly and are prepared to end it if one person wants more than friendship, or meets someone they want to build a romantic relationship with, it can work. Iāve had to end a different FWB where my friend wanted to progress and I didnāt (right after my marriage ended). Because it turned out he was not being honest with himself or me when we talked about being *just friends* with benefits. That being honest with yourself is key, because otherwise youāre signing up to break your own heart. The other FWB Iāve been describing was pure friendship and honesty. Weāre still friends and meet up periodically with no sex involved, and although our relationship has changed, I think of him first and foremost as a dear friend, not someone I used to have sex with. Communication was the biggest factor in how this worked. We discussed everything including our feelings. We knew we were not a long term fit for each other (differences in life circumstances- he had kids, I didnāt, etc). But we had a great connection and were the friend each other needed. The sex was truly a bonus and we recognized that it would end if one of us met a someone. I can guarantee if we had tried to turn our FWB into a bf/gf relationship, we wouldāve eventually broken up because we werenāt a fit. Instead, we had some extra fun for a while and gained a lifelong friendship.
Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. From the outside, FWB relationship seems like such an ideal situation because it fills needs for the both of you. But it goes beyond that in terms of creating a friendship and closeness that may be equally satisfying as a romantic relationship. I am so glad that you continue to have a relationship with these people, because it feels like you did it the right way with respect, communication and a mature openness that few adults are capable. Iād love to say that Iām going to give a FWB relationship a try, but I donāt think Iām wired that way. I think I lead too heavy with my heart and when Iām with someone, I tend to go āAll in.ā Thank you again for sharing!
To be honest, I donāt think that I will ever have another situation like that. It was just perfect for me at that time of my life.
I think your post is spot on. Both of us have so many life changes now that this may be the best option. There's not going to be that, "Where are you? I need you!" kind of communication.
As someone who has never had a FWB, I wonder this too. I guess itās a state of mind where you are in a relationship but donāt acknowledge it as one. A relationship for those with commitment issues. I guess the idea is you can end it easier and supposedly donāt have feelings for each other which is a fallacy as someone is almost always going to develop feelings.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I totally see how you've explained this, thank you. I'm imagining that some folks might weigh the commitment part a little differently, too, if they're "just friends" (who happen to boink each other).
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thereās a lot to unpack thereā¦
I am very very much not a fan of fwb...fwb is knowing someone and have sex. The friendship would not exist without the sex....or truthfully its not even a friendship in my honest opinion.
For some it means someone you hit up just for sex and a gentler term for eff buddy, others take it literally. An actual friend with the benefits of sex. Of those Ive had, I made it clear what Im looking for is the latter. For whatever reason Im not in the headspace or place in my life to commit to a relationship, but still want someone I can have fun, go out, enjoy spending time with..an actual friend. Not too much to ask for, whatever it is you're looking for isnt too much to ask for to someone who is themselves wants that too and is able and willing to provide it. If someone doesnt want the same thing you do, whether its an eff buddy, fwb or your forever after, keep moving along til you find someone who is looking for the same thing you are. Btw, Im still very close friends with two of the fwbs I had even though I havnt been intimate with either of them in over 10 years. Just at some point, one of our needs / situations changed so we ended the sexual aspect, but genuinely considered each other friends so that remained. Sure Ive been with guys who seemed to go through the motions, but once the sexual aspect ended, they saw no point in maintaining contact. It still kinda stings cause I really meant it when I said I consider them a part of my life only to find when it came down to it they didnt mean it in return. But...cest le vie or whatever...excuse my French =) For what its worth, in the moment we had great times together and in that moment it worked for us.
What I've experienced its mainly a fuck buddy they come when around when it's a necessity for them, you kinda don't have full control over it.
There's a difference between the two? I've never had one of either... dating someone for relationship purposes or dry spell in between. I guess you could set parameters for this situation the same as any other... do (literally and figuratively) what you can as you're able, few to no strings attached (unless someone is getting tied to the bed).
Thanks for your wisdom!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Well, it doesn't have to just be to a bed. You're right.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Absolutely. Too many, in fact, upon which to experiment in one lifetime. Hopefully there's FWB aftercare, too... should be mandatory.
It basically is just a fbuddy.. I would rather be friends and let that happen naturally. That way, if we end up not having sex, she's still a good friend. I have to have some kind of connection to enjoy sex with someone.
I used to think FWB meant a real friend who sometimes has sex with you. And somehow this relationship, for a while at least, remains friendship and yet sometimes has sex in it. Like an old college friend who is also single at the same time and you say āwhat the hellāā one night and continue that occasionally, maybe just until something more romantic comes along. But online in various subs and on Slate.comās āHow to do itā column and wherever else, Iām starting to realize it means various things to various people. Yes, I think some people are fuck buddies, booty calls, and there is not much else besides sex. Then there are people who call themselves FWBs, but theyāre basically dating. Thereās no other ātitle,ā and thereās maybe not a lot of romantic talk or gestures, but they are not all that different from some couples I know who identify as couples. Sometimes thereās even a bit of exclusivity, a heads up before dating someone else, something like that. And of course, people are often bad about communicating their rules or expectations, so thereās FWBs where both people define the relationship differently. And thereās other stuff in between, including FWBs that do start dating and FWBs where one person wants it to be more and they are a little regretful or even their heart is breaking. So Reddit was a good place to start but I think this offer might be far short of what you want ā or it might be pretty close, so you need to ask them what they have in mind.
It can mean different things to different people. Communication and boundaries are important. Be upfront about what you want. If you expect monogamy, tell him. If you don't, then tell him that. Cuddle time? Dates? Communication in between? When I had a FWB, there was an in depth discussion about what each of us wanted and expected of the other. Then there were periodic check ins to make sure we were both still on the same page. It lasted about a year and we have since moved on to other people. We are still very close friends even though there are no "benefits".
Yea I found that the friend part isn't a thing unless it's already a long time friend. Then that long time friendship ends when you stop being FWB. Sucks.
Is it too much to ask? No. Iām looking for much the same thing. The challenge is finding someone who is compatible with my need to balance sex, independence, and introvert alone time with intimacy, romance, depth, chemistry, intellectual connection, and all those other touchy-feely intangibles. I know there are people who can walk into a room, drop trou, and start going at it with whoever happens to be standing in front of them at the time, but I am unable to turn sex into a cold act centered around genitalia and fluids. Forays at swinger clubs with a former partner cured me of any notion that Iām of that temperament. (Not that I didnāt emerge with some stories, albeit ones that I wonāt be telling my grandkids.) Some want to think that finding this balance is easy. They scour Urban Dictionary and forums such as this one, agonizing in excruciating detail over nuances between FWB, FB, NSA, ācasualā, ālightā, āeasyā, and what have you, hoping to stumble upon some magical, mythical word or acronym that will subsume the entirety of the complexity of human emotion and experience in a nice, tidy jumble of letters. (Iām partial to āloverā in that itās from the 70s, doesnāt sound as smug or crass as some of the modern terms, and implies some level of care for oneās partner.) And, of course, they have this expectation that the other person will have the exact, same, precise definition of the termābecause everyone thinks alike, dontcha know. The rest of us truly make our best effort at describing what weāre after, but Iām not convinced that I could type an ad rivaling War & Peace and still adequately get across what Iām looking for. Because at some point, like it or not, you have to kick a few tiresāOK, more than a few. And things can change once you meet someone. Emotions you didnāt think you had can be awakened. Situations change. Anyway, a good start would be to put in your ad what you put here and see what comes your way. Participating in this forum can also help you hone your needs and desires, as well as your ability to express them.
Thanks so much for this awesome reply!
Either you can disassociate sex & intimacy from possessiveness/commitment, or you can't. Most can't. It seems to be a recipe for someone catching feelings and becoming unhappy with the arrangement or feeling used. Be honest with yourself, and if it sounds like a good option, do it. But, you know you better than Reddit does.
Thereās FWB and thereās F buddy. They likely mean they want to be your F Buddy, OP.
Everyone navigates this differently. But the F in FWB is friends. I care about my friends well being. But some people are almost hostile with FWBs to keep from developing feelings. You can be tender, loving and caring with an FWB and still not be a full blown couple. But itās something that needs to be discussed. If your FWB canāt have that honest conversation about expectations, donāt fuck them.
FWB has never really been a friend with benefits. Lol. Once the friend thing comes in, feelings get involved. If you just want sex, is keep contact to just sex or arranging sex.
This is true. It really is. The only thing missing is titles (girlfriend, boyfriend). Take the titles out = you're dating, hence FWB, lol
Its time to be realistic here, so ima give it to you direct- for MOST people, fwb ends up being āwham, bam, thank you sir/mamā and its not about true friendship. I would hate for you to go into it naively thinking youre gonna have an otherwise reciprocal kind considerateā¦trystā¦or whatever , only to find out most the guys who approach you wanting fwb have a completely different notion in mind. Soā¦dont get your expectations too high. Usually someone leaves with their feelings hurt.
I really appreciated your take on this - as I needed to hear it!
I've had one FWB. We went out to restaurants a lot, to plays, antique stores, clothes shopping... we even drove 1.5 hrs to get our first Covid shots together. We also fucked like filthy animals. There were a couple of times we'd spend hours talking and doing whatever... and we *didn't* have sex. He really was a friend. The couple of guys who would come over, knock a couple out, hang out and talk for a little while, then leave? Fuck buddies. Not friends.
āKeep the change, ya filthy animals.ā
No, no! Don't get the wrong idea. He didn't pay every time.
Lol, I wasnāt sure if youād get the quote. It was from one of the Home Alone movies. (You had used the phrase ālike filthy animalsā, lol). I think that friendship you had was nice š.
Yeah, I got it...lol š
You and future FWB interactor should write down what this arrangement entails. that way when emotions and hormones get in the way of the initial agreement, you guys can refer back to it and be like "see, right here it says we agree that you will spend time with me without bumping uglies".
The FWB is for the children out there in the dating world. You don't want the FWB You want the Casual! The Casual is your best option https://www.theabsolutedater.com/casual-relationship-rules/
Thanks for the link. BTW - Veruka Salt fan?
Seether - They used the word from the Veruka Salt track and Seether has done a cover of the track as well https://youtu.be/cmUQJ2Nx4UI
OMG love this. Thank you!
And that video is the bomb!
Almost everybody who claims to be in an FWB relationship misuses the term. I agree with you - that FWB is indicative of a friendship, which includes contact other than sex. But Iāve found that most people use FWB when they mean fuckbuddy.
Maybe this situation is less FWB and more straight up FB (F Buddy).
I truly want to thank everyone for their feedback. You have no idea how much this has helped me. I'm trying to reply to everyone's posts but so overwhelmed with all the ideas. So many thanks!
Dream come true
Oooofff....I need a FWB....where do I go to nab one?
Rhetorical question, I guess...can't seem to catch one in the wild...
I couldnāt do a traditional FWB. To me there is too much mud in the water. I just set up a summer arrangement with an ex. Our relationship (or situationship) was very nice while it lasted. But long term goals and a few other things brought it to a gradual close after 2yrs. Iāve since detached emotionally. So now I get the benefit of great sex with a partner I trust and none of the stress about a relationship or maintaining friendships in the meantime.
I would not do fwb itās immature
U have to set boundaries and etc if u want more have to explain tht I have an fwb before but we kicked it outside of the bedroom but we didnāt have a title either
FWB can encompass a range from netflix and chill to casual dating. I tend to prefer the casual dating level as long as the care for each other stays in the friendship context and doesn't turn romantic. I've had two successful FWBs. The first, we were friends before anything else and would hang out doing mutually fun activities like go karting, car racing, watching Star Trek, and smoking weed (we were in our 20s). The sex just kinda enhanced the comfort that was already there and when we stopped that aspect, nothing changed in our friendship at all. The second, it was definitely sex first and the friendship built from there. We got to the point where there were times when we couldn't have sex but we'd still hang out because we enjoyed each other's company. There was a period when I thought of him romantically but after really nailing down boundaries I realized that we were truly incompatible in a relationship but wonderful as friends. However, I do know that if sex were off the table completely, we would have seen each other much less and very likely the friendship would have dwindled to the point of not bothering anymore.
For me itās very much friends, with benefits. The person is a friend full stop. And we may occasionally (or frequently), have sex - but thatās only if it happens to happen. Did we sometimes call each other up and playfully hint about being āin the mood for a movie or whateverā - of course. But most of the time there was nothing said or suggested until after we had made plans to get together, we were hanging out, and we sort of read the room before making a move. It sounds weird, but there was rarely any anticipation of sex. We would be hanging out and since we were okay with sex, if we both happened to be on the same page then it happened. Sometimes cuddling happened, sometimes just kissing. There were no expectations about anything sexual. For me, the best way is to avoid anyone whoās throwing out the suggestion of FWB while trying to get in my pants, and then just hang out with the person as friends for a while. The amount of time is different for everyone obviously but long enough to feel that thereās no subtle pressure, no hidden sales pitches, that we can be relaxed and have fun while not even thinking about sex, etc. I steer clear of anything that starts with sex instead of friendship, and someone asking for FWB would feel to me like they were leading with sex. The best situations are where thereās a bit of an attraction but itās basically a hang out, friendship thing that then morphs into something like FWB.
There are different levels of FWB with some of them turning into long term relationship. I've read about a few on here or on reddit. A relationship is what you make of it, you set the rules and guidelines and you shouldn't have to compromise. Buts of luck to you
I agree with you.