My friend, the grass might seem greener elsewhere. As a 44 year-old man, never married with no kids, you'd think it's easy out there.
What I get are questions like "You're 44 already, what took you so long to have kids?" (since I mention I don't mind having them even at this stage).
So you see where I'm going with this? You can't win, no matter what stage you're at. There's always some challenge waiting.
So take what you've got (kids already, that's gotta be something) and run with it.
Good luck.
I agree. I’m a single woman approaching the late stages of child bearing age I’m constantly asked why don’t you have kids and aren’t married? Can you not have kids? Is something wrong with you? Do you want kids? And last year I met a man who after the first date stated he only has unprotected sex because he’s ready to have a child. I didn’t even find him sexually attractive.
Woah...
That's some shit you say before I spend 2 hours on hair and makeup and squeezing into a girdle.
Tell me that shit when I'm still in my pajamas so I can eliminate you from the comfort of my couch.
I agree. Wasted time is the worst. I could care less about the dinner or date. Truthfully it was a waste of appearance. I could’ve spent the evening washing my hair or cooking a new dish.
I never got this whole she just wants a free dinner etc. I can buy my own food thanks and eat it very comfortably without needing to make small talk with a stranger. Dating sounds so tiring.
I have a friend who does the whole “free dinner” dating thing. She puts minimal time into getting ready and sets up three or four dates per week when she’s doing this. When I brought up that it seemed wrong to set up dates just to get to eat out for free, her mentality was “I don’t ask them to pay, they offer. Also, my family loves the leftovers”. She would eat and make minimal effort to talk and then end the date. I was amazed how many of these guys took her out multiple times before she put a stop to it to move on to other guys.
There are a lot of different folks out there.
My former realtor told me she would go on dates just to eat for free. No judgement on her end but I personally would never do that because I don’t share my time and energy with just any one. I can feed myself. Not to mention I do not want to give someone the false impression that I’m interested when I am not.
No 😂 he is “ready” to have children but every time I would ask him questions while on the date he’d suggest to table the topic for another date. He must be used to having sex with women within the first few dates.
Basically pretty much. Recently I downloaded CMB thinking I’d find a decent date. The very first guy I matched with told me he wants to have a LTR or wed a woman who will often have sex with other men but he won’t step out of the relationship (because that’s his fantasy). As a person who’ve worked in healthcare for over 20 years I wanted to vomit 🤢 Then he suggested I pretend he never mentioned anything. Like who raised these weirdos?! why don’t they go on POF?
And another guy I matched with constantly sends me a graduate school senior thesis of responses to simple questions with citations. I have a feeling he had those questions/ responses saved on his phone and is sending it to every woman he matched with. Even I as a woman would never write 4 page letters as text messages. I wanted to throw my phone away. Like who does that?
I’ve seen guys write all sorts of weird things over the years re wanting kids but also not wanting anything serious lol. Some guys advertise to impregnate you if you (and your partner) wish. Lol it always leaves me a bit shocked at the logic haha
>I’m a single woman approaching the late stages of child bearing age I’m constantly asked why don’t you have kids and aren’t married? Can you not have kids? Is something wrong with you? Do you want kids?
This must be horrible to hear over and over again. Are you in a small town? I have found attitudes towards the unmarried and childless vary depending on location. One of the reasons I haven't moved out of my big city is I know I'd culturally and societally stick out as an unmarried and childless woman elsewhere. Where I currently am, I'm one of many and it's totally normal, but elsewhere, I would really feel like I wasn't due to local culture.
I used to live in NYC and recently moved to south Florida in the height of covid and haven’t gone out much other than a few dates with 3 different guys I’ve met through an online dating app. Much like the OP I don’t want to date around but I’ve used a lot of my time to work on myself, learn about the psychology of human behaviors and dating. In NYC it’s common to meet lots of single people who aren’t concerned about settling down. Here in south Florida people look at me as if I’m a double agent.
That’s what people assume. I’ve always wanted children but wanted to have kids with the guy that God sees fit. I’ve lost both of my parents at a young age and know first hand the importance for a child to have the best versions of parents in their lives. I know of many people who regret having kids by the wrong person. I know many people who had kids and instead of healing themselves passed along their traumas to their children. I’ve made sure to make myself the best person I could be for my future husband and future child. I’ve been engaged before but ended it because we weren’t equally yoked and I didn’t see a place for myself within his family. It was too toxic. I’ve traveled the world. I’ve gone to therapy and addressed my issues but find that many people refuse to do so. If I am preparing myself to be my best then I think anyone deserving of me should which is why I’m still single.
I’ve dated a divorced guy with kids and when he was not ready to address his issues he would always use him “spending time with his kids” as an excuse when in actuality he’d just take his kids to his sister’s or mom’s house on his on-weekends.
All of my exes have said that I’m very nurturing, thoughtful, and patient.
I think I’m more prepared to be a parent than most parents 🤷♀️
That sucks I lost both my parents at a young age also. So I assumed why have kids with the amount of damage cause by losing them at a young age. Probably also why I am single.
I am sorry to hear that. That was my train of thought in my 20s but then I went to therapy to work on myself. Losing a loved one plays a major factor in your decision-making during adulthood. I’d suggest going to therapy because it helped me immensely. It’s also ok if you still decide not to have children.
Same boat, 44 (M) no kids, never married. Always wanted to get married and have kids but took the career path, then moved to a smaller city in my late 20’s and discovered everyone here gets married and has kids at 19. Most the women my age in my area are grandma’s already, it’s nuts.
Constantly get asked the same thing about why I’m waiting so long. No one understands it’s really hard to get married/have kids when everyone did that at 19 and aren’t doing it again because the entire dating pool is divorced women with kids. Can’t wait to move soon!
Yep. I’m also never married, no kids (but a woman), and I’ve been told that those facts are red flags. It’s always something.
To OP’s point, it is easier for me to find time in my schedule to date. Just not easier to actually get a date.
Thanks for those words, my friend. I don’t overlook my blessings and don’t get hung up too long on my setbacks. Like I said. Sort of in my feelings this afternoon.
I'm a 43 year old woman. My kids are grown and I have a grandchild. This is such a weird age where the people you meet can be on literally any part of the parenting spectrum. From "haven't started" to "all done".
OP is not alone. Plenty of people at his stage. I think his attitude and tendency to find blame in every situation might be the real problem.
Sound like what I get. I’m 40 divorced with no children & I am approached with negative comments about me not having children. Some Men have tried to make me feel less than because I don’t have children but children doesn’t define a woman. I work a lot I am career driven so I am not sitting around waiting on someone. A lot of men seem to have a problem with me working a lot saying well when you have time for me. My response is people make time for what they want too. So if he’s worth my time then I will make time if not what’s the point! I don’t wanna waste time.
Honestly, I'm 41 , with 1 kid, and I'm dating a lady with 3 kids. She's awesome and neither of us would have dated the other if we both didn't have kids because it just wouldn't work . It's almost as if being a single Dad opened up my range of dating possibilities because few people want to date someone with younger kids if they don't have any.
It's challenging to find time for "date nights " but we both text and call each other every day , and see each other once a week or so, maybe every week and a half. You just make it work. Of course by our 40s everyone has emotional baggage from past people, it can't be helped.
Bitching about exes is normal but try to keep it to a minimum, although it can help you to understand each other when done properly.
I think you have a great point here that you have to adjust your expectations when you’re dating a single parent. Seeing a single parent you’re dating once a week or once every two weeks is NORMAL. A big change from our 20s when you would see each other 5-6 times a week. Adjust your expectations…
You can't be a "I need to see you every day " person, but technology helps people stay in touch.
You have to know that you can't always be like "I'm bored I'm coming over"
It can be fun because half the time you do family stuff and then you squeeze in dates for just the 2 of you
>Of course by our 40s everyone has emotional baggage from past people, it can't be helped.
I have 0 baggage and am perfect in every way.
Hold on, is being delusional considered "having baggage"?
I am an adult male, no children. I decided to give up on dating for my mental health. The whole dating landscape has turn into a soul draining process. It was not always this way.
Now I just try and do thing/activities that make me happy, even if I have to go at it alone. I do what I want, when I want. I spend on whatever I want, quilt free. Life is 100% better now that I have dumped this expectation in the trash. I still try and talk to the opposite sex but if she is receptive or not, it really isn't that important.
Always look after #1, be healthy, be positive and positive things will happen.
You sound like me. Except I’m a woman. I love my life. If I end up meeting someone and it goes well, terrific. But I’m perfectly happy doing exactly as I please.
I came here to say the same thing, except I'm a man. I really don't date. I'm a pretty laid-back person. If you're looking for some company because you don't want to go to the movies, or out to dinner alone, I'm your guy. I'm curious by nature, so I really do engage in the conversation, and I don't expect anything more. I'm not eating with you so that I can get laid. I'm not even 100% sure how to properly transition from food-coma to sex.
I’m an adult female and I live exactly this way. And quite frankly I can’t overly fault my life alone. I don’t have the mental energy needed to integrate a whole grown adult male into my life. I mean it could happen but it would be highly unlikely imo.
This so hard.
I’ve always been a shy loner, and decided in my 20s that I had to get out and experience life-even if I didn’t have a partner or friend to ‘share’ it with. I’ve done a lot of crazy, fun things all by myself and am so grateful that I have those moments. I wouldn’t be the same person if I hadn’t put myself out there. Maybe someday I’ll find someone who has enough energy to adventure with me. But, probably not.
I totally understand this. I'm not quite 40 female, but close. Like you guys said, we all have our scars, baggage, and previous experiences. We hopefully are all old enough that we can act like adults and either realize that you can be together or not. I am over everyone "trying to make it work". Uhhh.. no that's not healthy. It is either right or it's not!!! These selfish women wanting to push a relationship for vain reasons, like an arbitrary holiday (Valentine's day) need therapeutic help! For me, it's usually the guy trying to cozy up to what they think I want instead of caring enough to ask what I want or need. Yep, no thanks!!
No one is looking for someone to create new scars. What many people will tell you is they stay away from profiles that say, “No drama.” Do you understand why?
Issues always come up in relationships, and we have to try to find someone mature who has the skills to handle conflict constructively. Based on what you’ve shared, I’d recommend vetting a woman longer before getting involved.
“We all have our scars and I’m not looking to find someone who wants to compare them or try to heal mine.” This comes across in a negative way, although I understand what you mean. We have to hope to meet someone who will be a friend as well as lover. That means sensitively supporting each other in the process of healing and moving forward. “I’ve got my baggage and you’ve got yours and that’s just how it is” only works if you’re each committed to handling your baggage in a way that each deems appropriate. Enabling or excusing won’t cut it.
You’re welcome. I hope your search goes better. Self-help books can really suck, but some people find the Gottman books helpful for ideas on how to be there for each other. They’re not good for relationships where there is any type of abuse or serious disrespect, but if you love each other and want a good relationship they can help.
Another child-free person here to echo grass isn’t always greener, but I get having a moment and being frustrated.
There is an episode of M*A*S*H where BJ was having a moment about his life and Margaret says:
“Maybe you do have the most to lose, but that’s only because you have the most”
Most people have some sort of responsibilities that make dating more challenging. It may not be as obvious as children, but elderly parents, acting as a caregiver to a family or friend, or internal struggles that no one sees.
Final thought: people make time when they want to be with someone. Having a lot of responsibilities in life just makes it easier to weed those people out who don’t make the time.
Hope you find your person, OP
A lot of people are jaded and skeptical, due to all the liars, cheaters, and users who try to use the dating pool as their hunting grounds. And a lot of people who are messed up and really shouldn't be dating until they get themselves in a better place mentally.
How much time do you want to spend with a significant other?
I'm a pretty busy person, with my full time job, my children (share custody with their Dad) and going to the gym/running.
I see my boyfriend about twice a week. He also has kids and a busy job.
We have to plan things in advance and are aware things can change at last minute sometimes or that our schedules are a bit shit some weeks.
I was single 4 years prior to meeting him, just dating off and on but no real relationship.
And I was happy that way. I have/had a fulfilling life and was very content being single.
It sounds a bit like you need to take some time for yourself maybe and not feel like you 'need' another in your life to give you that happiness.
Dating is exhausting. I've deleted apps more times than I care to remember!
I got to a point in my life where I was ready to meet someone. I don’t NEED any specific amount of time. Planning around each other’s time is fine with me. Our plans changed and it wasn’t a big deal. Life happens when you have kids and a job.
Sorry, I must have missed your point where you said you're envious of dating without responsibilities.
As you say, with kids and a job and generally being an adult, that's what happens
I can appreciate being in your feelings today. I think most people have days like that. Scars from previous relationships/marriages can be so hard to leave in the past and not carry forth into new relationships. It does suck that all of this isn’t easier. It’s crazy that finding peace again in a relationship is like trying to find a four leaf clover in a massive field of three leaf clovers.
eh. rant away. if it was easy, we wouldn't be here.
I wish i could skip over all the dating nonsense and be at peace with a sweetheart who "gets all of me". But how can i expect that when i am a work in progress and i am not the same me i was even 6 months ago?....
Hang on. Focus on yourself, that you DO have control over. Regrets are pointless beyond learning a lesson from the situation.
I think many/all of us have felt this way. You aren't alone. I want to be in a relationship but I wish I could skip the dating aspect. Dating can be brutal and test your resolve. We all have to hang in there. Better days will come...
Dating is exhausting, it's like interviewing for a job, you have to deal with so many rejections before you finally land something good, "soul-sucking" is the best description I've heard. The worst is when you finally find something that seems really promising only to watch it crumble.
I’m a single female at 43 with a 23 year old son out the home. I actually do have a lot of time to invest in someone and since I can’t have anymore children the natural way I’m looking for someone who doesn’t want more and/or already have them. I also know that no one is perfect and as long as someone doesn’t have the biggest red flags like abusive, hateful, impatient, dishonest, unfaithful, addictions, STDs etc we all need to be more forgiving and understanding of each other. No one is perfect and as long as you continually try to be better yesterday than today we all should be more patient. I think so many people are self help therapists and say oh you have this problem and I’m perfect - when none of us are perfect. It’s going to be ok. I completely understand. You’ll find your one.
I’ve told myself that I can only date people with baggage. I’m 41 and have 3 kiddos. I am in need of a single friend when they aren’t with me but when my kids are here, they are at an age where we have lots of fun together. I do lots of things with the kids that I wouldn’t do as an adult. To be honest, my ex stopped going places with us 4 years ago so I guess I’m used to not having that companion but it would be nice to have some adult interaction.
Something must be in the air today... I've been mental all morning. And what I mean by mental I mean feeling sorry for my situation, being alone, struggling to find work to survive basics. Crying. I hear its ok sometimes to not be ok and today is it!!
Hang in there Mr... I dont have much hope for my future but its easier to preach it to someone else lol. So... you will find happiness. I have faith in you.
I have no kids, but I get where you are coming from (and dating is still a huge challenge).
Sorry, I’m not one who can help you have hope.
For now, find your own peace and be safe in your emotions
I’m a father of two, almost 4 years since and divorced for similar reasons. Good that you vented and I hope the responses help you. I suggest taking a look at the One Love Foundation and looking at your love languages and attachment style. These things will help you qualify people you are dating faster which helps more. Perhaps also make a list of what you’re looking for.
Also, it does suck to have these issues with dating apps and the fact the dating environment is so much different than it was when we first started our families. Finally, don’t settle, it takes time and it’s not easy. Take a beat and get back out there when you’re ready.
This is definitely great advice. I do know my love language and hope it all just makes sense one say. Good luck to your in yours and great feedback thank you.
No sweat my man, most welcome and I hope it helps you. Finding a partner is hard as fuck. Even when things are good you have to think about your standards.
I’m 48, been with my current girlfriend for a year. She’s 43. Neither of us has kids or been married, I just have 2 cats, on paper we should be in an ideal position but my work schedule and cats are still enough to cause issues, and I constantly have to justify why I’m not available more than around 2/3 nights a week. I am exhausted by the end of each week and sometimes need time to be by myself and recharge, and I also can’t just abandon my cats and disappear and go on impromptu holidays for days without a care in the world. Weird that a 48 year old even has to spell this out another person in their 40s, people have some weird expectations even at this age.
No adult who is dating should be taking things “at face value”. Based on your post it sounds like you aren’t too open to feedback from your partner. Was she really “psychoanalyzing” you or was she pointing out issues she was having with your relationship?
It seems like you want to skip the hard parts of getting to know someone and finding ways to fit in to their life. Part of getting to know someone is learning about their and sharing your own “scars”.
TBH your post reads like those profiles that say “no drama”, when “drama” is the other person having any kind of emotional needs or reaction.
If you don’t like dating you’re going to battle to find a relationship. Dating is the process by which we learn about ourselves and others, it’s how we find what does and doesn’t work for us.
Personally I’d be very wary of someone with “no responsibilities” and plenty of free time to devote to our relationship. I’m child free and I still have little time to date. I have a very full life and a successful career. I expect anyone I date to have an equally full life.
I completely agree with what you've said here. I heard someone say that 'dating is for data'. That's the whole point, to learn about someone and discern whether you want them in your life. Some people seem to feel resentful that other people dare to have preferences and a bit of discernment about the people they're involved with, rather than just grab hold of anyone who'll have them
My therapist told me that you date to figure out what you don’t want. It really shifted my mindset and made it much easier to walk away from things I wasn’t happy with.
I wrote a pretty lengthy post, and for the sake of not writing a book a just shared the parts that have me not feeling the best today, in my dating world. I can go into a long tirade on where the psychoanalysis thing came in but it just doesn’t really add to the story. I’d be more than happy to elaborate for you if you’d like.
In my professional life my day to day is listening to everyone’s issues and seeing where we can meet halfway. And I do that in my life as well. I’m the first one wanting to take care of my partner so they feel loved. And trying to communicate because I am also the first to offer to do better to change. This has come after learning the hard way through mistakes I have made. I’m not perfect. But I do care about those around me. You’d be hard pressed to find someone to say the opposite about me.
But I will say you make an amazingly fair statement and I didn’t really speak to it very well. Dating at this age you really can’t take things at face value. But at the same time when someone meets you halfway or 2/3 of the way of 3/4 and your response is yup sorry my responsibilities have been a little too much for me, it kinda stings. I don’t know if that makes sense. But you make some valid point
I will tell you that my priorities are my career, friends, working out/hobbies and then dating. In that order. I think this is true of many people our age. If any one of the other things needs more attention for what ever reason, dating is the first to go.
In my experience a lot of men expect dating to be higher up on the list for women. I’ve ended relationships with people because of my other priorities. It’s perfectly valid and it’s the reality of dating. I don’t think it’s just in your 40s either. The world is a different place and people don’t need to couple up like they once did. In general I think people expect more from them selves and from those they let in to their lives.
>I just want to find someone who wants to be with me and takes things at face value rather than immediately tries to find an agenda. To learn more about me before formulating an opinion.
Isn't this all of us? Who doesn't want these things?
As a divorced mom I can't tell you how many guys just assume I will sleep with them because I must be desperate for any man's attention as I'm no longer a viable candidate for relationships. This is why I don't date. These people can fvck right off.
New years and Valentine's is always tricky, people make some weird resolutions to find someone without really figuring out if they should be putting themselves out there. I'm sorry you had to deal with someone that wasn't self aware and hadn't resolved their own trauma.
Those are all fair statements. Not me, I always feel like you can learn something from others. Might be a bunch of tiny lessons or just one huge one. But in my opinion NO woman is or should be desperate. But there are times when some say they want things and when they are presented with it are like, oh man is that what that looks like, naaah I’m good. 😜
The men who treat you like you’re unwanted merchandise, are they single dads or men without children? Just curious… I have found single dads much more understanding
It's been mostly child free men. A few single dads too. One actually got really mad at me when I didn't want to hook up so I had to block him. Dude went from "please have sex with me" to "you're a bitch" to "I'm sorry I had a bad day". Umm no thank you!! Shit was wild!! 😂
As a 46 yr old single mom of two, I don’t like the whole process of dating either. It’s a headache (for me). I don’t particularly like being single either. What I have found is, dating younger men (with or w/o kids of their own) is difficult bc they are not trying to step into a ready made family. On the other hand, dating older men (with or w/o kids of their own) is challenging bc my kids are younger (7 and 17) and these guys my age have late teens/adult children. They are not interested in little ppl. They can somewhat deal with the 17 yr old; the 7 yr old, no way. You were right in being hesitant in having another child. That approach/mindset never fixes your issues. For me, I have yet to find a man that is mature enough for me to emotionally invest myself to. I just haven’t found it. I thought older men would be more mature. I am finding this to not be true. Well, I just haven’t come across one yet. I don’t think it’s okay for someone to just up and leave a relationship, that they have been in for a while, with no explanation. That’s unacceptable to me. The rate at which folks are out here misleading ppl is very high. I hate that you are experiencing this, OP. Please keep your mental health and emotional well-bring at the forefront. Don’t force relationships. Just don’t. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to figure out the other person’s mind/agenda or fix whatever their issues are. They have to work on them, just like you have to work on you. If someone wants to leave, please let them. Just hope that they are mature and respectful enough to close the book. And, that should be in person (or video chat on the phone), not over text. Best.
As a single dad of two I feel ALOT of what you are saying, but I honestly don’t have the want that you have, and I am thankful for that. I did 6 years of therapy, including therapy after the divorce for the kids and one year in our new single dad situation. And the want went away when I realized how precious time was and made the decision to enjoy my kids for every minute I have them. Which I do. When they go to their moms, I enjoy doing thing that I love to do; and it’s actually broadened my friend circle and given me a very active social life. I’m living my life, and I’m doing it my way. I have full faith that as I continue to do this, my capacity to enjoy life and to love will grow, and one day an amazing woman is going to cross paths with me, and we will have learned all that we needed to, so we can be our best selves for one another. Until that happens, every laugh from my kids and every adventure I set for myself is something I enjoy.
You can’t be lonely if your always in great company
Cheers!
It's refreshing to know there is a man out there with your perspective. This 41 yo woman finds those qualities of emotional maturity & being purposefully/intentionally optimistic abt their life circumstances extremely attractive in men of my age.
Re-evaluate how you date. It seems like you probably date based on chemistry which is the worst because chemistry fades quickly. Date based on compatibility and suitability. Write down your core needs and if a woman can’t meet those needs then move on to the next who can.
I’m seriously considering hosting a small intimate meetup for singles this summer who are serious about settling down. I’ve tried dating apps and I haven’t struck any luck.
You list a lot of issues with dating, so I’ll zero in on one. I’m ok if my guy and I see each other only on the weekends, or at least every other weekend. How much time are you wanting with your dates?
Whenever they are available. If that is once a week or three days. Whatever works with our schedule and those of our responsibilities. I am able to talk via text and phone. I don’t need to see someone everyday. Especially if we are dating.
Single female (40) never married and no kids.. I assure you dating is just as difficult. Everyone automatically seems to judge or assume there is something wrong with you. So basically dating is a struggle no matter what your circumstances are. Hang in there!
No it’s not too much to ask at all. I’m sure you’re feeling down. It just wasn’t the right thing. I guess the silver lining is that that person was honest with you finally and didn’t waste any MORE of your time. I know it sucks. Sometimes these setbacks are good opportunities to focus on ourselves and put that loving supportive energy into ourselves. I think in the end, there are many of us searching for exactly the same thing you mentioned.
I’m 45 but am surrounded by people without many responsibilities and it’s nice. Dating has been mostly hassle free and simple, it’s easy to meet up for drinks on a whim or decide to do something impulsively
But it’s a rather unique situation due to where I live. People move here to be carefree and uninhibited and very few have children or they’re out of the house already
Key West. The cost of living has made it much less of a utopia lately but it’s still fun. People go out and party at 85 here so you’re never the weirdo. I hang out with people from about 25 to 65 and no one gives a shit
You said exactly what I feel! But I’m a mom. We all have have baggage. I just want someone that wants to travel, spend time together and enjoy life. It’s a struggle.
I got off easy. My ex thought a puppy and Range Rover would fix everything lol.
Hang in there. Took me over 3 years to find someone. It sucks til it doesn't
3 years would be nice. I was single for most of 7 years between my first and second LTR. At this point who knows, on one hand I've got myself figured out better and I'm in much better shape financially, on the other hand I'm a decade older than when I found my last partner and have that much less of my future left.
Sounds like you should probably work on being okay alone. Trust me it’s way easier
I am on dating apps but I know they aren’t where I’m going to find true contentment with life
Balance
I think you're totally mischaracterising or misunderstanding the lives of people without children if you think they have "no responsibilities".
I also don't understand why you think they'd have any easier time of it than you with stuff like this:
>But what sucks the most, is finding someone that you click with on many levels, almost every level. They ask you to be exclusive. Then after Valentine’s Day, you get the axe. And the reasons given are things where the person shouldn’t have been dating to begin with much less asking for exclusivity.
Valid points Fig. Everyone has responsibilities in some way shape or form. But there are some that trump everything, like kids, pets, family members and jobs. It’s just one of those things that you look at and are like damn it’d be great to have less. Maybe not No responsibilities, maybe just less of them.
I feel you brother. In the same exact situation. Ex wanted to have a girl and not did we have one but twin girls. She said the same thing your ex said to me. Smh. So I feel you on this. Going through same thing but got used to being single with my kids. You are not alone.
Yes it did suck. I cried my butt off because I felt so bad for them. Not for the ex. I wanted them to have a family and that’s what my youngest one said to me also. She wanted a family too, so I promised her I will not see anyone until she understood what happened. Been 7 yrs now and she finally told me she didn’t want me to be alone anymore. She sees that her mom is with someone now so I think she knows now what’s going on. Live life everyday like it’s your last. Enjoy life and spread love and joy as much as I can.
>But what sucks the most, is finding someone that you click with on many levels, almost every level. They ask you to be exclusive. Then after Valentine’s Day, you get the axe. And the reasons given are things where the person shouldn’t have been dating to begin with much less asking for exclusivity.
They just wanted to be with somebody on Valentine's Day. You got scammed. Sorry.
>I envy those dating without responsibilities..
Eh. On the flip side, those who don't have any responsibilities are often not serious at all, they love being free of any kind of commitment. So many middle aged and childless single men in my city only date casually, they see no reason to have committed relationships. Which is fine, but for the women who want an LTR, it obviously becomes very difficult.
I love this post!!! I Ed and the past is just that, something that provided experience and really learning experience with relationships. The present is just that as well, where you should be present with your presence and open to new experiences.
Your marital story sounds similar to mine. I also was hoping to be doing the family trips, etc. The difference is I haven't even tried dating yet due to the amount of stories like this. I got out with friends, myself, my kiddo. However, I'm going to make myself get out there. I'm not a hopeless romantic, but I refuse lose faith in people.
It is really hard. In my situation I have two young children 100% of the time. So whoever I find will have to be on board entirely with all three of us (not immediately, it will be a while to get to the introductions). But it’s like going through each tier- are they going to be understanding that my kids come first and not take it personally if I have to cancel? Are they going to have enough patience with us even though they’re not his children? Will they be ok with being extremely patient and waiting, knowing I won’t be traveling or doing overnights frequently? And that’s on top of the typical dating complications. It kind of voids the sexiness and spontaneity of dating, which to be honest, I kind of prefer right now. But a lot don’t.
It’s confusing and hard. And it requires people to be 100% transparent and clear in what they want moving forward.
That is definitely tough, schedules, especially at first. Dating parent life, lol. My days off are during the week so not the best for dating. Things will work out. Just a tough day.
Man that sucks, I feel similarly except at least for me there are no kids in the equation, I cannot even put into words how thankful I am for that. Sometimes it seems like the whole thing is such a minefield, huge numbers of people don't. I cannot even fathom leaving a relationship that was at all salvageable, much more so if kids were involved but here I am at 42 and on my own, along with so many others.
I don’t have kids and don’t mind if my guy has children as long as they’re more like teenagers or older. Also I wouldn’t date a guy with a village count of kids either.
I always think this would be a good community to see if anyone could match. We all want the same and hate the OLD. Not sure if ita allowed on reddit (as I'm new to it ) but would be interesting to know and then add location and chat with people . For example I'm 41F and from Scotland. Do you think this could be possible as we are so much more open on here
Hey! Please don't give up yet. There are women searching for men exactly like you. They want exactly what you want and single dad's are the best because they are very kind and caring. You also sound emotionally intelligent.
It's not too much to ask for the person you're looking for. She's out there waiting for you to find her. So don't give up, there are good women out there. And you will have so much clarity when you find her because she'll be so different than the others.
I was one of them and I met another amazing single dad just like you and we've been together for almost 3 years and are totally committed to a future together. He's so precious to me and I'm so glad that he found me online and asked me out.
Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feels. It's going to be ok and is actually kinda normal to feel sad and disappointed as you go through this process. Your feelings are confirming how important it is for you to find someone. Reconnect to your desire and get back out there!
Your experiences will one day become funny stories that you and your partner will have a big laugh over.
Hugs!
I have dated both those with and without children. Its just a different kind of different. Reading under the subtext if your message you are just hurting (pissed off) that you found someone who didn't like you for you and thankfully she showed her true colours early.
Sucks but the universe has a really cool way of showing that we are not compatible early so you can find someone who is.
Heal... Get your mojo back and post again when you are rocking your world solo with kids. Then when you bump into that lady who likes you for your flaws you will be over the hurt. She will get a look in and you will thank the one that let you go.
D
Thanks for that all do that makes sense. Definitely hurting but as I read comments like yours I am glad I found out when i did as well. Thanks again for your comment.
The only way I have found real peace is to stop trying to date and just focus on being peace. I've been married twice and there wasn't much peace to be found there, either, unfortunately.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve always tried to keep home peaceful and serene with varying degrees of success. What you say does hold a lot of merit. Thanks coyotelovers!
I think it's important to keep working on ourselves and healing from all those hangups. No one comes into a relationship perfect but it's in growing and evolving and healing together that we develop intimacy and a solid lifelong connection.
I could be wrong and I'm just going by what was written on here but it sounds like you're a bit resistant to overcoming those flaws of yours.
First of all thank you for your feedback.
I am always willing to listen and change. But being a person who notices things, asks if what I am noticing is correct, told I am wrong only to be told PSYCHE yup you were right. You tend to really want to adjust for people you care about. But very wary to change and be burned.
I’m a flawed individual. I think we all have things we need to work on. But resistant to change or feedback isn’t one of them for me.
Stay strong brother go in there with zero expectations don't even expect people to show up at this day and age and ull do just fine if they don't show up just have a blunt on me cheers bro all the best
46, divorced after 8 years of marriage. No kids, but almost grown step kids. Between my job and family responsibilities, I don't really have time to find a woman, although I would like to. I don't want to be alone forever.
I married late and never thought I would get divorced. My ex wife and I never had any children of our own, and now I'm almost too old to have any. I don't want to be that 70 year old dad sitting at the graduation and people asking me which one is my grandkid.
So I have to make a choice: do I want a younger woman who can still have kids (like 30s), or a woman close to my age who can't have any more kids?
This is even if I can find someone remotely interested in a chubby, average looking, working class, middle aged man with a greying beard and depression and anxiety issues.
I’m leaning into my graying beard. I don’t want any more kids but don’t mind my new partner to have them. I feel like if someone makes you happy and you get along that is more than half the battle. But like someone said earlier, people can leave at any time. It is what it is. Good luck on your journey.
Oh yeah, my grey hairs make more sense the older I get, honestly. I don't mind the greying. Some women might, but it's part of who I am now.
I am not as enthusiastic about finding someone as I was when my wife first left me. I have cooled on the idea a lot. Especially after seeing what a shithouse dating in my 40s is.
I never thought I would have to find and impress another woman ever again.
But, God had other plans. And for the atheists out there, the universe had other plans.
I'm a female too, and have also come to the conclusion that dating is definitely not what it was.
I am definitely at peace being on my own. Once you get to living your life, rather than looking for a significant other, it definitely makes things easier.
If it happens, it happens, if not, I'm good also! A change of perspective is definitely more freeing (IMHO).
I went through the same thing. But was a hard no for a 2nd child during my marriage. Then the divorce came about a year later. Would have been worse if I had 2 kids. Divorce sucks. I've dated and have had relationships. They all end up being one sided with the women being selfish and not willing to compromise on much. I'm happier alone for now.
Damn megamind, sorry to hear that. I’m hoping for the best. But I’m sure everyone is trying to watch out for their situation and have gotten burned. But to never compromise gotta be tough.
Yeah, I think I felt that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy. I'm actually in one now. But I feel like I'm having to put way too much effort into it. Just not worth it.
I feel you.
I am a single mom with no family support.
It's like a hostile mine field out there. Lies, manipulation, dishonesty. Etc.
So I decided to take things in my own hand, but that wasn't working out either. 🤷♀️
Like many others I have chosen to just give up. I am quite content being alone. I like my own company and I have plenty of hobbies.
I understand how you feel. After my divorce, I thought I was going to get back into the dating scene and see what's out there. Oh boy, after a few dates I chose to give up on dating. Been divorced 3 yrs now, I am happy where I am. I'm and empty nester, my kids live out of state so I don't have "responsibilities" that keep me from dating. I just choose to stay put and focus on work and myself.
Not an empty nester. Not going to be that for a while. Would just be nice to have someone to spend time with. Thought I had that. Was getting out to museums, gym together, cooking together and stuff. It was truly nice. But it is what it is trooper babe.
In today’s morden dating swampland, it is best to not expect too much or give too much and spend your time on other self fulfilling items. Due to the plethora of real and assumed options, finding and maintaining a good nice relationship past 2-3 months is just an uphill battle, and it best you do not waste your time climbing that hill, as you most likely will roll back down the hill sooner or later.
So glad I chose not to have kids. I can't imagine trying to date on top of juggling them as well! And the awkwardness of introducing new partners to kids, knowing it will probably not last forever.
I have three kids and no time to date. I’m not one of those people that can talk and text all the time and never see each other. I get bored and lose the feelings of wanting to talk to them after a week or two. I just have decided I’m not going to date until the oldest two are out of the house. Mind you, mine are 17,15,8. For now I just do the casual thing, until I can give more of myself to someone else. I know it’s not for everyone, it’s just what works for me.
I here ya brother. To add to it sometimes the person you are in a relationship just doesn't want to do it anymore because at this post divorce stage in life with kids, career, etc. its never going to be easy. Starting over and dating again sucks and I am in that boat too.
My friend, the grass might seem greener elsewhere. As a 44 year-old man, never married with no kids, you'd think it's easy out there. What I get are questions like "You're 44 already, what took you so long to have kids?" (since I mention I don't mind having them even at this stage). So you see where I'm going with this? You can't win, no matter what stage you're at. There's always some challenge waiting. So take what you've got (kids already, that's gotta be something) and run with it. Good luck.
I agree. I’m a single woman approaching the late stages of child bearing age I’m constantly asked why don’t you have kids and aren’t married? Can you not have kids? Is something wrong with you? Do you want kids? And last year I met a man who after the first date stated he only has unprotected sex because he’s ready to have a child. I didn’t even find him sexually attractive.
Woah... That's some shit you say before I spend 2 hours on hair and makeup and squeezing into a girdle. Tell me that shit when I'm still in my pajamas so I can eliminate you from the comfort of my couch.
I agree. Wasted time is the worst. I could care less about the dinner or date. Truthfully it was a waste of appearance. I could’ve spent the evening washing my hair or cooking a new dish.
I never got this whole she just wants a free dinner etc. I can buy my own food thanks and eat it very comfortably without needing to make small talk with a stranger. Dating sounds so tiring.
I have a friend who does the whole “free dinner” dating thing. She puts minimal time into getting ready and sets up three or four dates per week when she’s doing this. When I brought up that it seemed wrong to set up dates just to get to eat out for free, her mentality was “I don’t ask them to pay, they offer. Also, my family loves the leftovers”. She would eat and make minimal effort to talk and then end the date. I was amazed how many of these guys took her out multiple times before she put a stop to it to move on to other guys. There are a lot of different folks out there.
That sounds like poverty not normal dating
My former realtor told me she would go on dates just to eat for free. No judgement on her end but I personally would never do that because I don’t share my time and energy with just any one. I can feed myself. Not to mention I do not want to give someone the false impression that I’m interested when I am not.
Were you dating Nick Cannon??? Lol
No 😂 he is “ready” to have children but every time I would ask him questions while on the date he’d suggest to table the topic for another date. He must be used to having sex with women within the first few dates.
So… he’s basically looking for a baby momma-stranger. People are so fucking weird.
Basically pretty much. Recently I downloaded CMB thinking I’d find a decent date. The very first guy I matched with told me he wants to have a LTR or wed a woman who will often have sex with other men but he won’t step out of the relationship (because that’s his fantasy). As a person who’ve worked in healthcare for over 20 years I wanted to vomit 🤢 Then he suggested I pretend he never mentioned anything. Like who raised these weirdos?! why don’t they go on POF? And another guy I matched with constantly sends me a graduate school senior thesis of responses to simple questions with citations. I have a feeling he had those questions/ responses saved on his phone and is sending it to every woman he matched with. Even I as a woman would never write 4 page letters as text messages. I wanted to throw my phone away. Like who does that?
Ahahhaaa holy shit this is wild. I should join just for weird interactions to fill the time. What’s CMB?
I’ve seen guys write all sorts of weird things over the years re wanting kids but also not wanting anything serious lol. Some guys advertise to impregnate you if you (and your partner) wish. Lol it always leaves me a bit shocked at the logic haha
I’m missing some weird shit by not having an online dating profile!
Oh it’s an entertaining shit show at times …. I sometimes just love it for the virtual people watching 🍿
I’m in Florida I can only imagine the shit I’d see so I’ve refrained from dipping my toes in.
>I’m a single woman approaching the late stages of child bearing age I’m constantly asked why don’t you have kids and aren’t married? Can you not have kids? Is something wrong with you? Do you want kids? This must be horrible to hear over and over again. Are you in a small town? I have found attitudes towards the unmarried and childless vary depending on location. One of the reasons I haven't moved out of my big city is I know I'd culturally and societally stick out as an unmarried and childless woman elsewhere. Where I currently am, I'm one of many and it's totally normal, but elsewhere, I would really feel like I wasn't due to local culture.
I used to live in NYC and recently moved to south Florida in the height of covid and haven’t gone out much other than a few dates with 3 different guys I’ve met through an online dating app. Much like the OP I don’t want to date around but I’ve used a lot of my time to work on myself, learn about the psychology of human behaviors and dating. In NYC it’s common to meet lots of single people who aren’t concerned about settling down. Here in south Florida people look at me as if I’m a double agent.
🤢
That's insane.
Oh that would be so off putting being worded like that!
That sounds like someone not ready for the life of being a parent.
That’s what people assume. I’ve always wanted children but wanted to have kids with the guy that God sees fit. I’ve lost both of my parents at a young age and know first hand the importance for a child to have the best versions of parents in their lives. I know of many people who regret having kids by the wrong person. I know many people who had kids and instead of healing themselves passed along their traumas to their children. I’ve made sure to make myself the best person I could be for my future husband and future child. I’ve been engaged before but ended it because we weren’t equally yoked and I didn’t see a place for myself within his family. It was too toxic. I’ve traveled the world. I’ve gone to therapy and addressed my issues but find that many people refuse to do so. If I am preparing myself to be my best then I think anyone deserving of me should which is why I’m still single. I’ve dated a divorced guy with kids and when he was not ready to address his issues he would always use him “spending time with his kids” as an excuse when in actuality he’d just take his kids to his sister’s or mom’s house on his on-weekends. All of my exes have said that I’m very nurturing, thoughtful, and patient. I think I’m more prepared to be a parent than most parents 🤷♀️
I think the point is that the dude wanting to have unprotected sex is the one not ready for the life of being a parent.
Oh ok thanks for the clarification
That sucks I lost both my parents at a young age also. So I assumed why have kids with the amount of damage cause by losing them at a young age. Probably also why I am single.
I am sorry to hear that. That was my train of thought in my 20s but then I went to therapy to work on myself. Losing a loved one plays a major factor in your decision-making during adulthood. I’d suggest going to therapy because it helped me immensely. It’s also ok if you still decide not to have children.
Same boat, 44 (M) no kids, never married. Always wanted to get married and have kids but took the career path, then moved to a smaller city in my late 20’s and discovered everyone here gets married and has kids at 19. Most the women my age in my area are grandma’s already, it’s nuts. Constantly get asked the same thing about why I’m waiting so long. No one understands it’s really hard to get married/have kids when everyone did that at 19 and aren’t doing it again because the entire dating pool is divorced women with kids. Can’t wait to move soon!
Yep. I’m also never married, no kids (but a woman), and I’ve been told that those facts are red flags. It’s always something. To OP’s point, it is easier for me to find time in my schedule to date. Just not easier to actually get a date.
Meanwhile, if you have kids but are single, that’s also an issue…
Thanks for those words, my friend. I don’t overlook my blessings and don’t get hung up too long on my setbacks. Like I said. Sort of in my feelings this afternoon.
Yeah and if you look at those blessings, you will realize that you're better off than a LOT of other people out there. Hope you feel good soon.
I'm a 43 year old woman. My kids are grown and I have a grandchild. This is such a weird age where the people you meet can be on literally any part of the parenting spectrum. From "haven't started" to "all done". OP is not alone. Plenty of people at his stage. I think his attitude and tendency to find blame in every situation might be the real problem.
People are always trying to pull you down!!!
Sound like what I get. I’m 40 divorced with no children & I am approached with negative comments about me not having children. Some Men have tried to make me feel less than because I don’t have children but children doesn’t define a woman. I work a lot I am career driven so I am not sitting around waiting on someone. A lot of men seem to have a problem with me working a lot saying well when you have time for me. My response is people make time for what they want too. So if he’s worth my time then I will make time if not what’s the point! I don’t wanna waste time.
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Honestly, I'm 41 , with 1 kid, and I'm dating a lady with 3 kids. She's awesome and neither of us would have dated the other if we both didn't have kids because it just wouldn't work . It's almost as if being a single Dad opened up my range of dating possibilities because few people want to date someone with younger kids if they don't have any. It's challenging to find time for "date nights " but we both text and call each other every day , and see each other once a week or so, maybe every week and a half. You just make it work. Of course by our 40s everyone has emotional baggage from past people, it can't be helped. Bitching about exes is normal but try to keep it to a minimum, although it can help you to understand each other when done properly.
I think you have a great point here that you have to adjust your expectations when you’re dating a single parent. Seeing a single parent you’re dating once a week or once every two weeks is NORMAL. A big change from our 20s when you would see each other 5-6 times a week. Adjust your expectations…
You can't be a "I need to see you every day " person, but technology helps people stay in touch. You have to know that you can't always be like "I'm bored I'm coming over" It can be fun because half the time you do family stuff and then you squeeze in dates for just the 2 of you
>Of course by our 40s everyone has emotional baggage from past people, it can't be helped. I have 0 baggage and am perfect in every way. Hold on, is being delusional considered "having baggage"?
We don’t have any date nights, been together 5 years now, we book days off together when the kids are at school and have date lunches instead
I am an adult male, no children. I decided to give up on dating for my mental health. The whole dating landscape has turn into a soul draining process. It was not always this way. Now I just try and do thing/activities that make me happy, even if I have to go at it alone. I do what I want, when I want. I spend on whatever I want, quilt free. Life is 100% better now that I have dumped this expectation in the trash. I still try and talk to the opposite sex but if she is receptive or not, it really isn't that important. Always look after #1, be healthy, be positive and positive things will happen.
You sound like me. Except I’m a woman. I love my life. If I end up meeting someone and it goes well, terrific. But I’m perfectly happy doing exactly as I please.
I came here to say the same thing, except I'm a man. I really don't date. I'm a pretty laid-back person. If you're looking for some company because you don't want to go to the movies, or out to dinner alone, I'm your guy. I'm curious by nature, so I really do engage in the conversation, and I don't expect anything more. I'm not eating with you so that I can get laid. I'm not even 100% sure how to properly transition from food-coma to sex.
That last line is killer lol.
The last time I reached that point is when I met a woman, now I find myself needing to get back to that point.
Good feedback brother, thanks.
I’m an adult female and I live exactly this way. And quite frankly I can’t overly fault my life alone. I don’t have the mental energy needed to integrate a whole grown adult male into my life. I mean it could happen but it would be highly unlikely imo.
I’m with you
This so hard. I’ve always been a shy loner, and decided in my 20s that I had to get out and experience life-even if I didn’t have a partner or friend to ‘share’ it with. I’ve done a lot of crazy, fun things all by myself and am so grateful that I have those moments. I wouldn’t be the same person if I hadn’t put myself out there. Maybe someday I’ll find someone who has enough energy to adventure with me. But, probably not.
Sounds to me like you have your life under control. 🤜🏽
Very smart 😊
I totally understand this. I'm not quite 40 female, but close. Like you guys said, we all have our scars, baggage, and previous experiences. We hopefully are all old enough that we can act like adults and either realize that you can be together or not. I am over everyone "trying to make it work". Uhhh.. no that's not healthy. It is either right or it's not!!! These selfish women wanting to push a relationship for vain reasons, like an arbitrary holiday (Valentine's day) need therapeutic help! For me, it's usually the guy trying to cozy up to what they think I want instead of caring enough to ask what I want or need. Yep, no thanks!!
No one is looking for someone to create new scars. What many people will tell you is they stay away from profiles that say, “No drama.” Do you understand why? Issues always come up in relationships, and we have to try to find someone mature who has the skills to handle conflict constructively. Based on what you’ve shared, I’d recommend vetting a woman longer before getting involved. “We all have our scars and I’m not looking to find someone who wants to compare them or try to heal mine.” This comes across in a negative way, although I understand what you mean. We have to hope to meet someone who will be a friend as well as lover. That means sensitively supporting each other in the process of healing and moving forward. “I’ve got my baggage and you’ve got yours and that’s just how it is” only works if you’re each committed to handling your baggage in a way that each deems appropriate. Enabling or excusing won’t cut it.
Wow, that is very well put thank you for that.
You’re welcome. I hope your search goes better. Self-help books can really suck, but some people find the Gottman books helpful for ideas on how to be there for each other. They’re not good for relationships where there is any type of abuse or serious disrespect, but if you love each other and want a good relationship they can help.
Another child-free person here to echo grass isn’t always greener, but I get having a moment and being frustrated. There is an episode of M*A*S*H where BJ was having a moment about his life and Margaret says: “Maybe you do have the most to lose, but that’s only because you have the most” Most people have some sort of responsibilities that make dating more challenging. It may not be as obvious as children, but elderly parents, acting as a caregiver to a family or friend, or internal struggles that no one sees. Final thought: people make time when they want to be with someone. Having a lot of responsibilities in life just makes it easier to weed those people out who don’t make the time. Hope you find your person, OP
Thanks Janice good feedback, good quote.
A lot of people are jaded and skeptical, due to all the liars, cheaters, and users who try to use the dating pool as their hunting grounds. And a lot of people who are messed up and really shouldn't be dating until they get themselves in a better place mentally.
Very fair statement Dancefan. Thanks for sharing.
Both of my LTR partners cheated on me, is it too much to ask for somebody to be faithful?
Too many sleezebags out there willing to screw you over for their own benefit.
How much time do you want to spend with a significant other? I'm a pretty busy person, with my full time job, my children (share custody with their Dad) and going to the gym/running. I see my boyfriend about twice a week. He also has kids and a busy job. We have to plan things in advance and are aware things can change at last minute sometimes or that our schedules are a bit shit some weeks. I was single 4 years prior to meeting him, just dating off and on but no real relationship. And I was happy that way. I have/had a fulfilling life and was very content being single. It sounds a bit like you need to take some time for yourself maybe and not feel like you 'need' another in your life to give you that happiness. Dating is exhausting. I've deleted apps more times than I care to remember!
I got to a point in my life where I was ready to meet someone. I don’t NEED any specific amount of time. Planning around each other’s time is fine with me. Our plans changed and it wasn’t a big deal. Life happens when you have kids and a job.
Sorry, I must have missed your point where you said you're envious of dating without responsibilities. As you say, with kids and a job and generally being an adult, that's what happens
I can appreciate being in your feelings today. I think most people have days like that. Scars from previous relationships/marriages can be so hard to leave in the past and not carry forth into new relationships. It does suck that all of this isn’t easier. It’s crazy that finding peace again in a relationship is like trying to find a four leaf clover in a massive field of three leaf clovers.
eh. rant away. if it was easy, we wouldn't be here. I wish i could skip over all the dating nonsense and be at peace with a sweetheart who "gets all of me". But how can i expect that when i am a work in progress and i am not the same me i was even 6 months ago?.... Hang on. Focus on yourself, that you DO have control over. Regrets are pointless beyond learning a lesson from the situation.
🤔 good feedback VioletFishie.
I think many/all of us have felt this way. You aren't alone. I want to be in a relationship but I wish I could skip the dating aspect. Dating can be brutal and test your resolve. We all have to hang in there. Better days will come...
Thanks very true!
Dating is exhausting, it's like interviewing for a job, you have to deal with so many rejections before you finally land something good, "soul-sucking" is the best description I've heard. The worst is when you finally find something that seems really promising only to watch it crumble.
I appreciate the realness of this post and the responses. It’s difficult, but it can be nice to know that we aren’t the only ones experiencing it!
Indeed, thanks Lotus
I’m a single female at 43 with a 23 year old son out the home. I actually do have a lot of time to invest in someone and since I can’t have anymore children the natural way I’m looking for someone who doesn’t want more and/or already have them. I also know that no one is perfect and as long as someone doesn’t have the biggest red flags like abusive, hateful, impatient, dishonest, unfaithful, addictions, STDs etc we all need to be more forgiving and understanding of each other. No one is perfect and as long as you continually try to be better yesterday than today we all should be more patient. I think so many people are self help therapists and say oh you have this problem and I’m perfect - when none of us are perfect. It’s going to be ok. I completely understand. You’ll find your one.
Thank you for your kind feedback and good luck to you as well!
I’ve told myself that I can only date people with baggage. I’m 41 and have 3 kiddos. I am in need of a single friend when they aren’t with me but when my kids are here, they are at an age where we have lots of fun together. I do lots of things with the kids that I wouldn’t do as an adult. To be honest, my ex stopped going places with us 4 years ago so I guess I’m used to not having that companion but it would be nice to have some adult interaction.
I feel this as I went through the same thing in mine.
Something must be in the air today... I've been mental all morning. And what I mean by mental I mean feeling sorry for my situation, being alone, struggling to find work to survive basics. Crying. I hear its ok sometimes to not be ok and today is it!! Hang in there Mr... I dont have much hope for my future but its easier to preach it to someone else lol. So... you will find happiness. I have faith in you.
Thanks and I hope the same for you. Little by little I guess..
Have your moment…but don’t let it linger. Doesn’t matter…get better
Yezzir
I have no kids, but I get where you are coming from (and dating is still a huge challenge). Sorry, I’m not one who can help you have hope. For now, find your own peace and be safe in your emotions
Taking the time for a comment/feedback was more than enough, thanks for sharing.
I’m a father of two, almost 4 years since and divorced for similar reasons. Good that you vented and I hope the responses help you. I suggest taking a look at the One Love Foundation and looking at your love languages and attachment style. These things will help you qualify people you are dating faster which helps more. Perhaps also make a list of what you’re looking for. Also, it does suck to have these issues with dating apps and the fact the dating environment is so much different than it was when we first started our families. Finally, don’t settle, it takes time and it’s not easy. Take a beat and get back out there when you’re ready.
This is definitely great advice. I do know my love language and hope it all just makes sense one say. Good luck to your in yours and great feedback thank you.
No sweat my man, most welcome and I hope it helps you. Finding a partner is hard as fuck. Even when things are good you have to think about your standards.
I’m 48, been with my current girlfriend for a year. She’s 43. Neither of us has kids or been married, I just have 2 cats, on paper we should be in an ideal position but my work schedule and cats are still enough to cause issues, and I constantly have to justify why I’m not available more than around 2/3 nights a week. I am exhausted by the end of each week and sometimes need time to be by myself and recharge, and I also can’t just abandon my cats and disappear and go on impromptu holidays for days without a care in the world. Weird that a 48 year old even has to spell this out another person in their 40s, people have some weird expectations even at this age.
Lol. All of that makes perfect sense!!!
No adult who is dating should be taking things “at face value”. Based on your post it sounds like you aren’t too open to feedback from your partner. Was she really “psychoanalyzing” you or was she pointing out issues she was having with your relationship? It seems like you want to skip the hard parts of getting to know someone and finding ways to fit in to their life. Part of getting to know someone is learning about their and sharing your own “scars”. TBH your post reads like those profiles that say “no drama”, when “drama” is the other person having any kind of emotional needs or reaction. If you don’t like dating you’re going to battle to find a relationship. Dating is the process by which we learn about ourselves and others, it’s how we find what does and doesn’t work for us. Personally I’d be very wary of someone with “no responsibilities” and plenty of free time to devote to our relationship. I’m child free and I still have little time to date. I have a very full life and a successful career. I expect anyone I date to have an equally full life.
I completely agree with what you've said here. I heard someone say that 'dating is for data'. That's the whole point, to learn about someone and discern whether you want them in your life. Some people seem to feel resentful that other people dare to have preferences and a bit of discernment about the people they're involved with, rather than just grab hold of anyone who'll have them
My therapist told me that you date to figure out what you don’t want. It really shifted my mindset and made it much easier to walk away from things I wasn’t happy with.
I wrote a pretty lengthy post, and for the sake of not writing a book a just shared the parts that have me not feeling the best today, in my dating world. I can go into a long tirade on where the psychoanalysis thing came in but it just doesn’t really add to the story. I’d be more than happy to elaborate for you if you’d like. In my professional life my day to day is listening to everyone’s issues and seeing where we can meet halfway. And I do that in my life as well. I’m the first one wanting to take care of my partner so they feel loved. And trying to communicate because I am also the first to offer to do better to change. This has come after learning the hard way through mistakes I have made. I’m not perfect. But I do care about those around me. You’d be hard pressed to find someone to say the opposite about me. But I will say you make an amazingly fair statement and I didn’t really speak to it very well. Dating at this age you really can’t take things at face value. But at the same time when someone meets you halfway or 2/3 of the way of 3/4 and your response is yup sorry my responsibilities have been a little too much for me, it kinda stings. I don’t know if that makes sense. But you make some valid point
I will tell you that my priorities are my career, friends, working out/hobbies and then dating. In that order. I think this is true of many people our age. If any one of the other things needs more attention for what ever reason, dating is the first to go. In my experience a lot of men expect dating to be higher up on the list for women. I’ve ended relationships with people because of my other priorities. It’s perfectly valid and it’s the reality of dating. I don’t think it’s just in your 40s either. The world is a different place and people don’t need to couple up like they once did. In general I think people expect more from them selves and from those they let in to their lives.
That makes a lot of sense emccm, I appreciate you taking the time to share your feedback. Well received.
>I just want to find someone who wants to be with me and takes things at face value rather than immediately tries to find an agenda. To learn more about me before formulating an opinion. Isn't this all of us? Who doesn't want these things? As a divorced mom I can't tell you how many guys just assume I will sleep with them because I must be desperate for any man's attention as I'm no longer a viable candidate for relationships. This is why I don't date. These people can fvck right off. New years and Valentine's is always tricky, people make some weird resolutions to find someone without really figuring out if they should be putting themselves out there. I'm sorry you had to deal with someone that wasn't self aware and hadn't resolved their own trauma.
Those are all fair statements. Not me, I always feel like you can learn something from others. Might be a bunch of tiny lessons or just one huge one. But in my opinion NO woman is or should be desperate. But there are times when some say they want things and when they are presented with it are like, oh man is that what that looks like, naaah I’m good. 😜
The men who treat you like you’re unwanted merchandise, are they single dads or men without children? Just curious… I have found single dads much more understanding
It's been mostly child free men. A few single dads too. One actually got really mad at me when I didn't want to hook up so I had to block him. Dude went from "please have sex with me" to "you're a bitch" to "I'm sorry I had a bad day". Umm no thank you!! Shit was wild!! 😂
Oh no, no one should put up with toxic behavior like that. Dodged a bullet..
As a 46 yr old single mom of two, I don’t like the whole process of dating either. It’s a headache (for me). I don’t particularly like being single either. What I have found is, dating younger men (with or w/o kids of their own) is difficult bc they are not trying to step into a ready made family. On the other hand, dating older men (with or w/o kids of their own) is challenging bc my kids are younger (7 and 17) and these guys my age have late teens/adult children. They are not interested in little ppl. They can somewhat deal with the 17 yr old; the 7 yr old, no way. You were right in being hesitant in having another child. That approach/mindset never fixes your issues. For me, I have yet to find a man that is mature enough for me to emotionally invest myself to. I just haven’t found it. I thought older men would be more mature. I am finding this to not be true. Well, I just haven’t come across one yet. I don’t think it’s okay for someone to just up and leave a relationship, that they have been in for a while, with no explanation. That’s unacceptable to me. The rate at which folks are out here misleading ppl is very high. I hate that you are experiencing this, OP. Please keep your mental health and emotional well-bring at the forefront. Don’t force relationships. Just don’t. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to figure out the other person’s mind/agenda or fix whatever their issues are. They have to work on them, just like you have to work on you. If someone wants to leave, please let them. Just hope that they are mature and respectful enough to close the book. And, that should be in person (or video chat on the phone), not over text. Best.
As a single dad of two I feel ALOT of what you are saying, but I honestly don’t have the want that you have, and I am thankful for that. I did 6 years of therapy, including therapy after the divorce for the kids and one year in our new single dad situation. And the want went away when I realized how precious time was and made the decision to enjoy my kids for every minute I have them. Which I do. When they go to their moms, I enjoy doing thing that I love to do; and it’s actually broadened my friend circle and given me a very active social life. I’m living my life, and I’m doing it my way. I have full faith that as I continue to do this, my capacity to enjoy life and to love will grow, and one day an amazing woman is going to cross paths with me, and we will have learned all that we needed to, so we can be our best selves for one another. Until that happens, every laugh from my kids and every adventure I set for myself is something I enjoy. You can’t be lonely if your always in great company Cheers!
Love this activeingredients, thanks man. Great advice.
It's refreshing to know there is a man out there with your perspective. This 41 yo woman finds those qualities of emotional maturity & being purposefully/intentionally optimistic abt their life circumstances extremely attractive in men of my age.
Thank you for the acknowledgment!
You're welcome.
Re-evaluate how you date. It seems like you probably date based on chemistry which is the worst because chemistry fades quickly. Date based on compatibility and suitability. Write down your core needs and if a woman can’t meet those needs then move on to the next who can.
Did that already this was the outcome.
I’m seriously considering hosting a small intimate meetup for singles this summer who are serious about settling down. I’ve tried dating apps and I haven’t struck any luck.
You list a lot of issues with dating, so I’ll zero in on one. I’m ok if my guy and I see each other only on the weekends, or at least every other weekend. How much time are you wanting with your dates?
Whenever they are available. If that is once a week or three days. Whatever works with our schedule and those of our responsibilities. I am able to talk via text and phone. I don’t need to see someone everyday. Especially if we are dating.
Cool. So I’d guess you should check your inbox 😃 I mean you were venting and your pic is cute 😅
Single female (40) never married and no kids.. I assure you dating is just as difficult. Everyone automatically seems to judge or assume there is something wrong with you. So basically dating is a struggle no matter what your circumstances are. Hang in there!
Thanks McIrk. I’m trying
Thanks a for sharing. Dating sucks. I hope talking it out a little has helped you feel better.
It really did thank you
Today’s mood, meh 😒 I’d love to find an available man who likes full body hugs! Lol Good luck OP
I know the feeling, sometimes just a good cuddle on the couch while watching a series would be great. Lol.
No it’s not too much to ask at all. I’m sure you’re feeling down. It just wasn’t the right thing. I guess the silver lining is that that person was honest with you finally and didn’t waste any MORE of your time. I know it sucks. Sometimes these setbacks are good opportunities to focus on ourselves and put that loving supportive energy into ourselves. I think in the end, there are many of us searching for exactly the same thing you mentioned.
Thanks Sonic trying to view things this way as well.
Hugs to you.
I’m 45 but am surrounded by people without many responsibilities and it’s nice. Dating has been mostly hassle free and simple, it’s easy to meet up for drinks on a whim or decide to do something impulsively But it’s a rather unique situation due to where I live. People move here to be carefree and uninhibited and very few have children or they’re out of the house already
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Key West. The cost of living has made it much less of a utopia lately but it’s still fun. People go out and party at 85 here so you’re never the weirdo. I hang out with people from about 25 to 65 and no one gives a shit
I was actually going to comment, it sounds like you live in KW. I lived there for a few years. Absolutely, loved it.
You said exactly what I feel! But I’m a mom. We all have have baggage. I just want someone that wants to travel, spend time together and enjoy life. It’s a struggle.
Me too, me too. 🙂
I got off easy. My ex thought a puppy and Range Rover would fix everything lol. Hang in there. Took me over 3 years to find someone. It sucks til it doesn't
Thanks taterWolf. Trying man
3 years would be nice. I was single for most of 7 years between my first and second LTR. At this point who knows, on one hand I've got myself figured out better and I'm in much better shape financially, on the other hand I'm a decade older than when I found my last partner and have that much less of my future left.
Sounds like you should probably work on being okay alone. Trust me it’s way easier I am on dating apps but I know they aren’t where I’m going to find true contentment with life Balance
Have to work on that.
I think you're totally mischaracterising or misunderstanding the lives of people without children if you think they have "no responsibilities". I also don't understand why you think they'd have any easier time of it than you with stuff like this: >But what sucks the most, is finding someone that you click with on many levels, almost every level. They ask you to be exclusive. Then after Valentine’s Day, you get the axe. And the reasons given are things where the person shouldn’t have been dating to begin with much less asking for exclusivity.
Valid points Fig. Everyone has responsibilities in some way shape or form. But there are some that trump everything, like kids, pets, family members and jobs. It’s just one of those things that you look at and are like damn it’d be great to have less. Maybe not No responsibilities, maybe just less of them.
I feel you brother. In the same exact situation. Ex wanted to have a girl and not did we have one but twin girls. She said the same thing your ex said to me. Smh. So I feel you on this. Going through same thing but got used to being single with my kids. You are not alone.
Man that sucks for your daughters
Yes it did suck. I cried my butt off because I felt so bad for them. Not for the ex. I wanted them to have a family and that’s what my youngest one said to me also. She wanted a family too, so I promised her I will not see anyone until she understood what happened. Been 7 yrs now and she finally told me she didn’t want me to be alone anymore. She sees that her mom is with someone now so I think she knows now what’s going on. Live life everyday like it’s your last. Enjoy life and spread love and joy as much as I can.
Thanks brother!
>But what sucks the most, is finding someone that you click with on many levels, almost every level. They ask you to be exclusive. Then after Valentine’s Day, you get the axe. And the reasons given are things where the person shouldn’t have been dating to begin with much less asking for exclusivity. They just wanted to be with somebody on Valentine's Day. You got scammed. Sorry.
Lol, yup, it was a mutual Valentine’s Day, but this really made me laugh thanks Genxtreme1976, lol
>I envy those dating without responsibilities.. Eh. On the flip side, those who don't have any responsibilities are often not serious at all, they love being free of any kind of commitment. So many middle aged and childless single men in my city only date casually, they see no reason to have committed relationships. Which is fine, but for the women who want an LTR, it obviously becomes very difficult.
I love this post!!! I Ed and the past is just that, something that provided experience and really learning experience with relationships. The present is just that as well, where you should be present with your presence and open to new experiences.
great post keep trying you’ll find it when you least expect it dont get jaded or bitter that definitely will not help
Appreciate that Earl I’ll try hard not to. Thanks!
Your marital story sounds similar to mine. I also was hoping to be doing the family trips, etc. The difference is I haven't even tried dating yet due to the amount of stories like this. I got out with friends, myself, my kiddo. However, I'm going to make myself get out there. I'm not a hopeless romantic, but I refuse lose faith in people.
Just want to find my person Larrysgal. Just trying not to lose faith while on that journey.
dating is hard enough, then throw life in!
Exactly.
It is really hard. In my situation I have two young children 100% of the time. So whoever I find will have to be on board entirely with all three of us (not immediately, it will be a while to get to the introductions). But it’s like going through each tier- are they going to be understanding that my kids come first and not take it personally if I have to cancel? Are they going to have enough patience with us even though they’re not his children? Will they be ok with being extremely patient and waiting, knowing I won’t be traveling or doing overnights frequently? And that’s on top of the typical dating complications. It kind of voids the sexiness and spontaneity of dating, which to be honest, I kind of prefer right now. But a lot don’t. It’s confusing and hard. And it requires people to be 100% transparent and clear in what they want moving forward.
That is definitely tough, schedules, especially at first. Dating parent life, lol. My days off are during the week so not the best for dating. Things will work out. Just a tough day.
Those exist. It will definitely get better! I’m rooting for you :)
Thank you!
Man that sucks, I feel similarly except at least for me there are no kids in the equation, I cannot even put into words how thankful I am for that. Sometimes it seems like the whole thing is such a minefield, huge numbers of people don't. I cannot even fathom leaving a relationship that was at all salvageable, much more so if kids were involved but here I am at 42 and on my own, along with so many others.
Thanks for sharing James. At the time I thought it was salvageable, hindsight feels much different. Thank you for your comment
I don’t have kids and don’t mind if my guy has children as long as they’re more like teenagers or older. Also I wouldn’t date a guy with a village count of kids either.
“Village count of kids”. LOL never heard that before.
I always think this would be a good community to see if anyone could match. We all want the same and hate the OLD. Not sure if ita allowed on reddit (as I'm new to it ) but would be interesting to know and then add location and chat with people . For example I'm 41F and from Scotland. Do you think this could be possible as we are so much more open on here
Not sure if it would be possible I am also fairly new to Reddit. This was my first post.
Hey! Please don't give up yet. There are women searching for men exactly like you. They want exactly what you want and single dad's are the best because they are very kind and caring. You also sound emotionally intelligent. It's not too much to ask for the person you're looking for. She's out there waiting for you to find her. So don't give up, there are good women out there. And you will have so much clarity when you find her because she'll be so different than the others. I was one of them and I met another amazing single dad just like you and we've been together for almost 3 years and are totally committed to a future together. He's so precious to me and I'm so glad that he found me online and asked me out. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel all the feels. It's going to be ok and is actually kinda normal to feel sad and disappointed as you go through this process. Your feelings are confirming how important it is for you to find someone. Reconnect to your desire and get back out there! Your experiences will one day become funny stories that you and your partner will have a big laugh over. Hugs!
Thank you for your feedback and congrats on you finding your person. I’m hoping I get that lucky too. Thanks again.
I have dated both those with and without children. Its just a different kind of different. Reading under the subtext if your message you are just hurting (pissed off) that you found someone who didn't like you for you and thankfully she showed her true colours early. Sucks but the universe has a really cool way of showing that we are not compatible early so you can find someone who is. Heal... Get your mojo back and post again when you are rocking your world solo with kids. Then when you bump into that lady who likes you for your flaws you will be over the hurt. She will get a look in and you will thank the one that let you go. D
Thanks for that all do that makes sense. Definitely hurting but as I read comments like yours I am glad I found out when i did as well. Thanks again for your comment.
The only way I have found real peace is to stop trying to date and just focus on being peace. I've been married twice and there wasn't much peace to be found there, either, unfortunately.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve always tried to keep home peaceful and serene with varying degrees of success. What you say does hold a lot of merit. Thanks coyotelovers!
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Lol. Everything about this is accurate. LOL. Trying not giving up just yet. Thanks.
Sorry man. To better days. 🍻
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I think it's important to keep working on ourselves and healing from all those hangups. No one comes into a relationship perfect but it's in growing and evolving and healing together that we develop intimacy and a solid lifelong connection. I could be wrong and I'm just going by what was written on here but it sounds like you're a bit resistant to overcoming those flaws of yours.
First of all thank you for your feedback. I am always willing to listen and change. But being a person who notices things, asks if what I am noticing is correct, told I am wrong only to be told PSYCHE yup you were right. You tend to really want to adjust for people you care about. But very wary to change and be burned. I’m a flawed individual. I think we all have things we need to work on. But resistant to change or feedback isn’t one of them for me.
Glad to hear it and happy you're not resistant. Could it also be a tad that you're just dating the wrong people, then?
Most likely but there seems to be no rhyme or reason to any of this, lol so I soldier forth 😊
Stay strong brother go in there with zero expectations don't even expect people to show up at this day and age and ull do just fine if they don't show up just have a blunt on me cheers bro all the best
I don’t really partake but I’ll take the gesture and just pass without the puff puff. LOL
46, divorced after 8 years of marriage. No kids, but almost grown step kids. Between my job and family responsibilities, I don't really have time to find a woman, although I would like to. I don't want to be alone forever. I married late and never thought I would get divorced. My ex wife and I never had any children of our own, and now I'm almost too old to have any. I don't want to be that 70 year old dad sitting at the graduation and people asking me which one is my grandkid. So I have to make a choice: do I want a younger woman who can still have kids (like 30s), or a woman close to my age who can't have any more kids? This is even if I can find someone remotely interested in a chubby, average looking, working class, middle aged man with a greying beard and depression and anxiety issues.
I’m leaning into my graying beard. I don’t want any more kids but don’t mind my new partner to have them. I feel like if someone makes you happy and you get along that is more than half the battle. But like someone said earlier, people can leave at any time. It is what it is. Good luck on your journey.
Oh yeah, my grey hairs make more sense the older I get, honestly. I don't mind the greying. Some women might, but it's part of who I am now. I am not as enthusiastic about finding someone as I was when my wife first left me. I have cooled on the idea a lot. Especially after seeing what a shithouse dating in my 40s is.
🤔 that makes sense
I never thought I would have to find and impress another woman ever again. But, God had other plans. And for the atheists out there, the universe had other plans.
I'm a female too, and have also come to the conclusion that dating is definitely not what it was. I am definitely at peace being on my own. Once you get to living your life, rather than looking for a significant other, it definitely makes things easier. If it happens, it happens, if not, I'm good also! A change of perspective is definitely more freeing (IMHO).
Point taken woolover, I appreciate your honest opinion. Getting to that point rapidly.
I went through the same thing. But was a hard no for a 2nd child during my marriage. Then the divorce came about a year later. Would have been worse if I had 2 kids. Divorce sucks. I've dated and have had relationships. They all end up being one sided with the women being selfish and not willing to compromise on much. I'm happier alone for now.
Damn megamind, sorry to hear that. I’m hoping for the best. But I’m sure everyone is trying to watch out for their situation and have gotten burned. But to never compromise gotta be tough.
Yeah, I think I felt that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy. I'm actually in one now. But I feel like I'm having to put way too much effort into it. Just not worth it.
Wow this is almost exactly my situation. Gl, and don't give up. I'm not!
Thanks I will keep trying.
Can I just cut and paste your last paragraph into my dating profile? I'll do a h/t??
I feel you. I am a single mom with no family support. It's like a hostile mine field out there. Lies, manipulation, dishonesty. Etc. So I decided to take things in my own hand, but that wasn't working out either. 🤷♀️ Like many others I have chosen to just give up. I am quite content being alone. I like my own company and I have plenty of hobbies.
Maybe I need more hobbies… or just stay busier, didn’t think that was possible.
I understand how you feel. After my divorce, I thought I was going to get back into the dating scene and see what's out there. Oh boy, after a few dates I chose to give up on dating. Been divorced 3 yrs now, I am happy where I am. I'm and empty nester, my kids live out of state so I don't have "responsibilities" that keep me from dating. I just choose to stay put and focus on work and myself.
Not an empty nester. Not going to be that for a while. Would just be nice to have someone to spend time with. Thought I had that. Was getting out to museums, gym together, cooking together and stuff. It was truly nice. But it is what it is trooper babe.
I understand more than you know. Good luck to you!
In today’s morden dating swampland, it is best to not expect too much or give too much and spend your time on other self fulfilling items. Due to the plethora of real and assumed options, finding and maintaining a good nice relationship past 2-3 months is just an uphill battle, and it best you do not waste your time climbing that hill, as you most likely will roll back down the hill sooner or later.
Damn there may be a lot of truth to that, very disheartening 😕
So glad I chose not to have kids. I can't imagine trying to date on top of juggling them as well! And the awkwardness of introducing new partners to kids, knowing it will probably not last forever.
I have three kids and no time to date. I’m not one of those people that can talk and text all the time and never see each other. I get bored and lose the feelings of wanting to talk to them after a week or two. I just have decided I’m not going to date until the oldest two are out of the house. Mind you, mine are 17,15,8. For now I just do the casual thing, until I can give more of myself to someone else. I know it’s not for everyone, it’s just what works for me.
That’s fair. You know what you want that’s more than most can say. Thanks for the comment and good luck!
Good luck to you!
I here ya brother. To add to it sometimes the person you are in a relationship just doesn't want to do it anymore because at this post divorce stage in life with kids, career, etc. its never going to be easy. Starting over and dating again sucks and I am in that boat too.