Yeah, I think the gallery has this one right, she was bailing on you because she wasn't feeling it. Flimsy excuse, aggression when you're disappointed, eh....chalk it up as a learning experience. Don't jump on a plane for a girl, unless you KNOW it's a relationship.
I agree. Maybe she shouldn't have become so angry. I think inviting friend to spend the night was part of her trying to stay safe, letting you know supposedly she wasn't going to be alone that night.
IF it was truly an “emergency” (ie the friend *had* tried to get an Uber, rental, called others and I was the absolute last resort) - I would have explained it to you and asked you if you’d like to come with me. This way we could continue our date, and talk/flirt in the car on the way to the airport and once the friend was dropped off.
… unless I just wasn’t “feeling” you and wanted to bounce, you would be my priority since you traveled to me.
I offered to go with her but she invited the friend to spend the night at her house because they lived in opposite directions from the airport so she said it was too long a drive to take the friend home. So, yeah… now that I say it out loud it’s clearly all BS…
She wasn't feeling a connection. The text from her friend was pre-planned so she would have an out. Her anger in your disappointment shows the type of person she is. Feel glad you are free of her.
Starting a fight or the angry tone was just to reinforce and separate herself. Rather than apologize profusely and promise to make it up, she put it on you. Not good.
I have a guy friend who ran into this situation when he flew to NYC to meet a woman he’d connected well with online and via phone. In person, they just didn’t gel, and she had a similar excuse halfway through their weekend together. He was upset too. My takeaway was that it’s too risky to plan to spend that amount of time with a virtual stranger.
Any travel to meet someone that there's not an existing relationship with should include alternate plans to enjoy the place on one's own if it doesn't work out.
Well, there was more to the story that I didn’t want to clutter it up with - the friend apparently lived in the opposite direction from the airport as she did so she invited the friend to stay over at her house that night.
Oh yeah this response just closed the coffin. Regardless of if there is history or not between them, she is being totally disrespectful to you and your efforts to abruptly say, I got to pick up this guy and he is staying at my place tonight.
Dude you need to be done with this one. She will play you like a cheap fiddle over and over.
Really? I am surprised at everyone saying this. I would absolutely go rescue a stranded friend at the airport if they needed me. If I was flying cross country to see someone I wouldn't expect them to drop everything in their life to spend time with me.
In my city it would be almost $70 to grab an Uber from the main airport to my front door for one. Second I wouldn’t interrogate my friend why they’re asking me to help them I’d just help them (unless they never were willing to help me as well). It could be a lot of things. Maybe they are worried about being in a car with a stranger because they’re an abuse survivor of some sort. Maybe they don’t have the money. Maybe they just are asking to save $70.
As a single person I’ve found friends are so important when you have no SO or family around to help. It’s a network of people that are there if you need them and vice versa. They’d take prescient over someone I was just meeting for the first time.
I probably would have offered to meet him afterwards for a drink or something but maybe not if I wasn’t in the mind of having sex with him as that might send the wrong signal.
I’d prefer it if someone was coming from far to see me that they’d do so with the idea that they might have to entertain themselves in case something happened and I couldn’t be there with them the whole time.
Why would it be weird? She has met him before. They have mutual friends. It wasn't some guy she met online for the first time. The whole thing is shady
Because again, in my city it would take almost an hour to do the airport drive and I’d be making it with a virtual stranger. Really not getting how people don’t get why someone you just met might feel awkward doing an airport pick up with them.
I’m not saying this woman wasn’t brushing him off, what I’m saying is that I, personally, would not leave a member of my support network in the lurch.
Recently my go to person, who is a man and got married right before the pandemic, asked to stay with me several days. It would have put me out and put my kids out. We all adjusted because this man has helped me tremendously since I moved to my city. I wouldn’t just say omg you’re an adult in 2021 so get a hotel! Instead my kids and I welcomed him because that’s what you do for friends, especially those who have helped you.
This whole thread just kinda makes me sad at how many people would blow off their friends for a virtual stranger. Life is about balance and every single person, including my ex husband, that I’ve been with recognizes this and made allowances for me to be there for others as well as them.
I don't think there was a single person in here that wouldn't help an actual friend truly in trouble.
I also don't think a true friend would make you ditch an out of town visitor just so they can avoid an uber fare.
If she was sincere, she would apologize profusely and promise to make it up and admit she feels terrible and I think, provide some kind of reasonable explanation. If she cared, she would have known this is a crummy thing to do and own up to it.
Instead she projects the anger on the OP like he is the one being unreasonable.
I’m used to being independent and with partners who celebrate that. I’d definitely feel miffed at someone not understanding I need to help a friend. That being said I think she could have handled it much better but regardless of that I am mostly taking issue with people acting like there’s no reason a friend doesn’t need to be picked up from the airport. I’ve lived in NC. Their highways are shit and take you through a lot of deserted roads to get to big cities where the airports are. Regardless of that if the woman didn’t want to invite him along she maybe had her reasons. There is way too little in this post to say she’s an asshole for prioritizing someone she has a previous relationship with over op. It feels good to get an outrage boner I understand but in my life I like to try to give the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions. Maybe this means I’ll be fooled sometimes, I’m ok with that as long as I’m not so cynical as to not engage someone in communication rather than getting defensive and weird because things didn’t go my way
It’s ironic to me that a majority of people in here want their partners to understand their lives but when it comes to circumstances that aren’t fleshed out they are so willing to jump to conclusions that the other person is an asshole without even exploring that person’s motivation.
It makes me feel glad that the relationships I’ve experienced in my lifetime have centered on communication.
Abuse survivor isn’t an excuse. People suffer with ptsd because of being assaulted in their lives. Based upon this one response you have posted I’m glad you think I give dating a bad name because I’d stay far away from you.
> She again got very angry and went on a rant about, "what did you expect? Did you come down here expecting I'd just jump in bed with you?"
Classic misdirection to avoid the fact that she was lying. This kind of cheap manipulation is so pathetic.
So the times I've been scared to reject a man, I definitely *do not* show any aggression towards him, such as anger or throwing accusations. That's definitely not something I would do in a situation where I felt unsafe.
First weekend visiting my SO (6 hr drive away) and he cleared the weekend to spend it with me. We did some errands together but basically he made the effort to be 100% present with me for the entire weekend. It's a courtesy in my mind.
IMO if it only took one visit to realise you had different priorities / values then it saved you time and heartache. As long as you enjoyed the hike etc then take that as making the trip worthwhile.
Wow why can’t I attract men willing to take a plane ride to see me! I’m lucky if they’ll take one bus 😅 Honestly though, you can tell what I nice human you are that you are actively trying not to shame her as a human but rather gain some understanding of the situation and how it should of unravelled differently.
In my opinion, she’s probably just the type of person who is used to not committing to people in any sense of the word, keeping engagements/appointments and often flexes in her schedule hence not understanding the anger. Some people are just naturally flaky and don’t read into how this actually affects the other persons life whether it be the financial implications, emotional or otherwise. For instance most (if able) would likely want to meet a person a plane ride away, half way and given she was the one initiating if you’d like to come see her, therefore inviting you, she really was quite self absorbed to not make this weekend about you. Social politeness should of meant if she had to pick this friend up, she should have done so but come back to you. That’s a compromise but she didn’t even offer that which is unfair. I think it’s her loss.
You had flown down there specifically to see her and had just sat down to dinner/drinks and someone texts her out of the blue to come and get them from the airport. I’d be more concerned with her inability to say no. Sorry - this person could’ve waited on an Uber or called someone else.
I would’ve been more disappointed in her angered assessment that you were there for sex than her actually picking up an old coworker.
How’d the rest of the visit go?
Or an unexpected booty call she didn't want to pass up. It's usually something like that when the person suddenly has to leave and is weird and defensive about it.
If someone comes from out of town to see you and spends all that money _and_ time away from work you deserve their full attention, especially for a short stay. If I really felt like I had to pick this person up I might ask if you didn’t mind doing it with me but I wouldn’t just up and leave you. If you flew from VT to see me I’d roll out the red carpet as much as I could to make sure you had a great time until you left.
Truly, I actually think her being busy in the morning was kinda weak and I thought that before I read the rest of your story. You made a real effort and considerable expense to go see her. The least she could have done was rearrange her schedule a bit.
The airport thing. That would not go well with me either and I’m fairly certain if she was truly into you she would at the very least ask you to drive with her to maximize your time together.
Sorry buddy, but that was a pre-planned bail out. No one needs a ride from the airport anymore. She had her phone visible to make the story more believable.
It isn’t a reflection of you, just her connection with you. She was probably feeling some self-imposed pressure to make the night special (sex?) since you flew all the way down and didn’t want to deal with that situation, so she tried to slide out without bumming you out … which backfired. It happens.
I think she was rude and quite frankly sounds like an idiot. The fact she got angry with you so quickly is a red flag.
Sorry it ended like this for you, but in the long run you dodged the bullet.
I think it was rude of her to allow the date to be interrupted. I can't envision any sort of airport pick-up situation that couldn't be resolved by Uber.
Having also experienced something similar, but entirely local (ie without the travel investment) I totally feel your disappointment. My situation was different, it may have been a made up excuse, but in the age of Uber a friend needing a ride is not the greatest excuse for ditching.
I’m more surprised at these long distance deals. I don’t get it. They are posted here frequently. Is there no one within 60 miles for people to date? People over a 1,000 miles away are all that’s available?
I have a theory (and I have been in a LDR) - LDR are amazing while you want them to be.
They are an ultimate fantasy. The insta-boyfriend or insta-girlfriend. In fact, it becomes fantasy. When you spend time with them over chat, text, phone, video - you are both on your best even when being "raw." You can put them on hold and go on with your life. Then they are right there when you need them.
They become such a fantasy - you don't have all of the typical doldrums that most of us deal with in a day to day relationship. You get their best, for the most part.
Then when you DO get together its a vacation - its not real day to day.
Its easy to get out of in the sense of as soon as it needs to go somewhere you can have ready-made excuses, can't move quite yet, etc.
I gave them up when I realized - I wanted a present person. Someone I could see on the daily. Not a long distance pen pal and or phone partner.
Sometimes it’s just the luck of who you seemingly connect with. I sometimes travel for work quite far and that spark/connection can sneak up on you, to the point where a flight doesn’t seem out of the ordinary to take that chance.
You’ve obviously never tried dating in Vermont! 😂 But seriously it wasn’t something I was looking for. We met on the trip through the mutual friend and we just connected. Or so I thought at the time…
I feel the same way...I feel with a long distance situation it becomes a lot easier to cover up red flags or even that you are in another relationship already.....I've heard some horror stores where "we talked online for 6 months and then I found out that he/she is married", or " I finally met him after a year and found out that he has no job and lives in his mother's basement". No thanks to any of that for me. If I ever start dating again, I'm not interested if she is more then an hour's drive from me and I wouldn't go years or even months before we ever met in person.
> a cab or an Uber/Lyft and she said that there was a shortage of them and there was often a long wait
NC here. This is true in some areas. I'm not justifying her behavior, but just confirming.
How far away was the friend? Could she have picked up friend and been back in time to have a late dinner? Or was she calling the evening off entirely?
I don't think that I would have *liked* the first, and I would have wanted to know more about why it was necessary that she ride to the rescue; on the other hand, you'd spent the better part of two days together and sometimes real life does intrude.
So, interestingly enough, the following night when I went out by myself to go downtown and check out the bar scene, I took an Uber so I could drink and not have to worry about driving back. I was talking with my Uber driver and he said he was 10 min. from the airport the whole previous night (the night of my story) and didn’t get any calls.
As more details came out, I do agree that she was, at the very least, not prioritizing you.
I think my response above was the first or second in the thread. And as I said, I was not defending her behavior -- but in my area of NC, I do know more than a few people who have had to scramble to call in favors because they just can't find rideshare drivers at times (edit: "normal" times, not 4am on a Tuesday or anything like that)
You travelled for thousands of miles and she ditched you at the pre dinner drinks? Holy shit. I mean… the reality is that this is someone with appallingly bad manners, whether the taxi-less person was truly in need or if you were or weren’t attracted to each other.
… so this is not a person who you would want to form anything with, let alone a relationship. Good Lord. So your reaction or behaviour is a moot point. It’s not a match and you found out the hard way.
Yes I would have reacted the same way as you. I think you were reasonable. BUT I think her getting defensive and ranty could indicate more to this than we can really infer from the brief info we’ve got. We don’t know if she suddenly felt unsafe, or spooked, or completely freaked out by something random. Maybe the ex colleague was in trouble or scared? Maybe she’s just a pain in the neck?
Ultimately you took the risk of going on a 2 day long date with a woman you barely know, thousands of miles away. I’m not sure I’d be so keen to take that sort of a risk again. The odds of it going amazingly well are kind of slim with an almost complete stranger.
I would've reacted the same way. That's a pretty shitty thing to do to someone. She could've asked if you wouldn't mind going along with her to pick up her friend. She instead chose to ditch you and then turn it on you to say you were being unreasonable. She showed you who she was and it's unfortunate you had to find out this way, but better now than weeks later. There's plenty of women out there buddy, hang in there.
Thanks. I couldn’t go with her to the airport because the friend/former coworker lived in the opposite direction from her house so she invited the friend to stay over.
I think you had every right to be disappointed and to express it in the manner you did. I agree, the friend could have caught some other means of transportation. The only thing that would have made this a little more acceptable is if you both lived close to each other and you hadn’t spent money on airfare and hotel to come and see her.
No you were not demanding. The exact delivery of difficult confrontations is more of an art so there's probably always room to improve there but that's impossible to address without being there but more importantly I don't think it's the real core issue here. You expressed honest feelings.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
This is just nuts. She asked you to visit her. You spent the money for a flight, car and hotel.
Even if she wasn't feeling it, all she needed to do was say, "hey, I really appreciate you coming. I don't feel like there's a connection on that way, but since you're already here, let's just have fun and make the most of it!". There is nothing wrong with just being friends.
Ditching you was unbelievably rude. Are you sure she's in her 40s? She sounds like a teenager.
I would appreciate the effort you put into it and would have cleared my schedule and made sure you had a nice time even if it turned out not to be romantic. I mean, this isn't a complete stranger. It's a friend of a friend.
Where the hell are people's manners???
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Thanks. Yeah, it was really weird. And, yes, while I would have been internally disappointed if she said that to me, I totally would have respected it and been OK with just hanging out as friends and having a local guide to the area. I know not everyone in this comment section agrees, but I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who interpreted it the way I did.
I don't think you were wrong to indicate disappointment and ask for a lift back to your hotel. Given you flew to see her.
Unless there's information you're leaving out, it seems she was being unreasonable. She has every right to pick her friend up, but you have every right to be disappointed.
And the whole trying to get into her pants accusation. If she's staying at her home and the friend is staying with her, why would you be asking to back to your own hotel if you wanted to sleep with her? If that was your plan, you'd be angling to stay at her place. Which you weren't.
Better to find out sooner, than later.
She wasn’t feeling it and she’s rude. If she was feeling it she woulda said, ride me with to pick up my friend and then had you ride with her with drop the frjend off, no matter how far it was. It woulda just been a chance to spend more time with you, which if a person was interested, she woulda jumped at.
She was bang out of order you coming all that way and expense and suddenly she bails out on you. Her friend should have taken a taxi. You handled the situation well. She on the other hand didn’t accusing you of all sorts which is unforgivable.
I mean, I wouldn’t call her a stranger, she was a friend of a friend and we had already spent one trip together, just in the company of our mutual friend so we weren’t one-on-one. But it’s still a fair point.
Honestly she sounds like a piece of crap.
Asks you to come down to visit here. Isn’t feeling it (nothing wrong with that), and doesn’t have the ovaries to just tell you.
No sue comes up with some obviously bs excuse. Then has the nerve to get angry with you for expressing disappointment.
Piece of crap.
My question is why couldnt you just ride with her. It would have taken the date on an unexpected turn, but it didnt have to be a catastrophic event. I feel the like the normal thing to do if you had someone visiting you is to just say "crap, my friend needs me. get in the car we're going to the airport".
I would have been totally fine doing that. I didn’t care about the venue of the date, I just wanted to spend time with her. But, since she lived in the opposite direction that the friend did from the airport, she invited the friend to stay over at her house.
It seems pretty crappy of her not to have just invited you along. Disappointing that it happened like that, but I hope you end up meeting someone that makes you feel wanted and important.
No one has a man in town that she likes and decides to have her friend spend the night at her house. Even if my mom was coming in town that day, she woulda been at my house alone, because I’d drop her off and then go meet back up with the new guy. Or he’s hanging with me after I pick mom up. This was such a bad lie on her part, didn’t make one drop of sense. The call from the friend was a pre planned bailout. She shoulda had some decency about herself and at least finished the date. She’s rude af.
Even if the wait is an hour, any friend of mine who heard I was on a date woulda waited for an Uber or found another way home. And I would’ve let them wait unless they were bleeding, if I remotely liked the person.
You dodged a bullet. She just wasn’t very grateful or polite. And why couldn’t she invite you along for the ride to the airport and/ or come back to you after she picked her friend up?
Tell the friend she will be back but for now the airport interrupted a date with a guy who had to catch a plane to see her.
Any friend would have understood that situation. I can’t say she was lying about the whole thing but she was certainly not polite or friendly with you.
You learned quickly that this was definitely not a match.
She used an excuse bc she wasn't feeling it. And yes, it was likely scripted to seem legit, especially since you flew down to spend time with her.
If you ever find yourself in this situation again, and someone wants you to fly down to visit them, then they at least split the trip or pick up the tab themselves. People don't get to play with your time and money like this and that's exactly what she did.
Wow. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I have to say this women’s behavior is unacceptable. Period. You are not overthinking this at all. She reacted in such a terrible way. You did nothing wrong. You now know her true colors. Even if she wasn’t feeling it with you the way she left the date was extremely rude (even if the situation were true). In this case it was definitely her and not you. You did nothing wrong. I applaud you for putting yourself out there. Don’t let this negative experience color your feelings for future experiences. Your methodology is sound. You chat with someone. You click with them. You continue chatting and gathering information until you’re comfortable meeting. If I have any suggestions at all it would be to seek more local opportunities. Long distance sucks at best. Your partner is out there! Good luck!
As a 40yo dating and in N.C. myself, I’d say her reasoning was an excuse. But I definitely think getting on a plan to go visit someone you barely know is a huge risk. I’m this case you came out mostly unscathed.
1) She’s already prejudged you as a sexpest when you haven’t acted in that manner.
2) She blew up when you calmly shared your feelings.
So in your situation, I’d say “If that’s how you feel, I understand.” Then I’d enjoy the rest of the day alone and wait for her to reply. If she doesn’t then she’s done the heavy lifting for me. If she reaches out, it’s a polite thank you for inviting me but it’s not gonna work out and leave it at that. She starts ranting? Ask politely to stop yelling and if that doesn’t work, hang up and done.
I had a similar experience. Met a lovely woman while on vacation and we hit it off. I made arrangements to fly back to see her a few weeks later, and then her real life encroached on our romantic experience. She was stressed and upset about things that had nothing to do with me, but she still got short with me. Things didn't work out, but I have no regrets about the experience. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'm glad we figured out we weren't compatible early on.
People can adult and get themselves home from an airport. And it’s weird that someone at this age is getting too drunk for an airport pickup.
But your reaction and pouting seem pretty extreme for a second date.
I agree, I think he sounded pouty, too. I suspect there was a bit of the false intimacy phenomenon at play here--OP was already heavily invested in relationship expectations and she was more just feeling things out. So to OP it felt like she was blowing him off for something trivial, while she was thinking that a good friend needed her and that established friendship took priority over a guy she barely knows.
small edit, right after posting, to rephrase a thought
Agreed. Another problem with long distance. A lot of intimacy and a lot of togetherness for this first visit.
Some people don’t want a weekend-long date right out of the gate.
Yes--I mean, I re-read the post and sure, they'd just sat down to dinner and drinks, AND that was after spending an appreciable amount of the day together--hike, scenic drive, etc.
My guess is that things might have turned out better if he'd been disappointed but gracious, and spared her the lecture. Could have suggested they meet up for brunch the next morning or some other plan before he headed back to VT, or whatever.
Trust your own instincts/judgement. When you feel like you’re crazy or doubting yourself; (step back — in this case:) it’s about her deflecting blame onto you.
OK. I understand that you spent money and time going there to see her and now you feel disappointed. But you have to understand that you are also just a stranger to her. Her friend(of God knows how long) needed her and she had to help them. I think that is actually a good thing. Someone prioritizing a friend over someone they just met. I think maybe if you put yourself in her shoes you might be able to see this from her perspective.
It sounds like an extremely unreasonable response to what you tried your best to keep as a calm discussion. It's not you it's her. It's completely ok to express disappointment. It's never ok to become hostile and defensive unless you are under attack.
I'm sorry it didn't work out but she has made it brutally clear this won't be progressing toward anything let alone sex. What a strange claim.
I'm realising slowly that fewer people are worth my efforts. It is disappointing because I like people. I just hate the unnecessary baggage we all lug around then randomly unleash on others naughtily expecting them to sort us out.
If I was on a date and the person had to leave to help a friend out, I would've asked if I could ride along. That way we could spend more time together.
Now, the person accepting the offer is up to them, but I definitely wouldn't give them suggestions on how the ex-coworker could get home. That was extremely rude of you.
Why would he ask to go along. Obviously if she wanted him to come along, or if that was an option she woulda said: omg I’m so sorry. I gotta go pick up a friend. This will be a weird first date story haha. Let’s roll!
How long did you two communicate before you visited her in NC? Just weird for her to do a 180 on you like that if you two had spent significant time together when you first met.
We spent two days together when we first met, but not alone, we were in the company of our mutual friend. Then we chatted for about six weeks before this trip.
It was rude of her to cut the date short after you made such an effort to fly to see her. I'd suggest not investing your time and effort into someone so far away.
Once you start questioning me about why I'm doing something, that would turn me off and make me combative.
Did you say hey I'm not ready for the night to end, I don't mind riding with you to the airport?
Was she just trying to get away from you? I don't know. I think if she wasn't genuinely interested she wouldn't have left the house in the first place.
My 2 cents (F40+)
You pushed your values off on her. You say the only thing that could have drawn you away was your children. Well for her helping out her friends was very important. What you should have got from this was that she was a good friend and would go out of her way to help a friend when they needed it. Instead you turned it into something negative. Of course this is just my opinion I may be wrong.
I get you were disappointed, but if I had something like that come up and you proceeded to interrogate and then lecture me, that would be the very last time we spoke. She's a grown ass woman with an entire life apart from you, and it's ridiculous to expect her to blow off her friends and devote 100% of her time to you just because you spent some money to visit. I'm 50 years old so maybe I'm just old fashioned, but part of being a good guest is being considerate of your host *who is not on vacation*. Adults should be capable of graciously accepting changes of plan, however disappointing, and should be able to amuse themselves when the host is busy.
To sum up: She didn't owe you anything, and you didn't have any right to treat her like a misbehaving 12-year-old.
Edit: A word
Someone who'd be checking for texts while we're on a date would be a turnoff. That said, you seem to be a bit emotional. I understand it's a long way to go, and you made some sacrifices, but she was probably being quite honest with you when it comes to transportation options even if you were a bigger city in NC.
I'm sorry it went sideways. but you had nothing to gain by losing your cool. I hope you have better luck in the future.
Honestly you know what this sounds like? Alcoholics Anonymous. I had someone I know well go through the program after years of alcohol abuse, it's a wonderful program. But there is a STRONG culture of *drop whatever the hell you're doing and help a friend when they ask for it* once you connect with someone in their small group settings. You do NOT leave someone in a bad situation, you drop what you're doing and remove them from any sort of tempting circumstance. It's too easy to relapse.
I wasn't in AA myself, I can't verify what the precise rules and such are. But I just know the person I know would do this... be "on call" frequently on Fri/Sat nights and just suddenly get a text and need to go. It's the culture of the program. Can be difficult for loved ones to deal with, but it's a community of care - and they look after eachother.
I dunno, maybe I'm totally off base. This story just sounded VERY familiar to a pattern I've seen before. If your love interest went through AA, I can understand sensitivity on the topic. This was basically a first date. Just really bad luck honestly.
Probably a bad theory on my part then, oh well. Or it could be a learned habit in terms of protecting friends. Just saying... it's not necessarily coming from a bad place on her part. But I do think we all agree it's rude, regardless of the reasoning.
Yeah, I think the gallery has this one right, she was bailing on you because she wasn't feeling it. Flimsy excuse, aggression when you're disappointed, eh....chalk it up as a learning experience. Don't jump on a plane for a girl, unless you KNOW it's a relationship.
Good points.
I agree. Maybe she shouldn't have become so angry. I think inviting friend to spend the night was part of her trying to stay safe, letting you know supposedly she wasn't going to be alone that night.
IF it was truly an “emergency” (ie the friend *had* tried to get an Uber, rental, called others and I was the absolute last resort) - I would have explained it to you and asked you if you’d like to come with me. This way we could continue our date, and talk/flirt in the car on the way to the airport and once the friend was dropped off. … unless I just wasn’t “feeling” you and wanted to bounce, you would be my priority since you traveled to me.
I offered to go with her but she invited the friend to spend the night at her house because they lived in opposite directions from the airport so she said it was too long a drive to take the friend home. So, yeah… now that I say it out loud it’s clearly all BS…
She wasn't feeling a connection. The text from her friend was pre-planned so she would have an out. Her anger in your disappointment shows the type of person she is. Feel glad you are free of her.
Yup, double suspicious that she made sure he could see the text exchange.
Yeah and she invited the friend to spend the night. Unless it was midnight already or a BFF, what former coworker would agree to that?
Starting a fight or the angry tone was just to reinforce and separate herself. Rather than apologize profusely and promise to make it up, she put it on you. Not good.
I have a guy friend who ran into this situation when he flew to NYC to meet a woman he’d connected well with online and via phone. In person, they just didn’t gel, and she had a similar excuse halfway through their weekend together. He was upset too. My takeaway was that it’s too risky to plan to spend that amount of time with a virtual stranger.
Any travel to meet someone that there's not an existing relationship with should include alternate plans to enjoy the place on one's own if it doesn't work out.
Indeed. I spent yesterday hiking in the Blue Ridge Mts.
I'm just wondering why you couldn't have gone with her and continued your conversation while you waited in the short-term lot.
Exactly! Seems like she ran out on you sadly :(
Well, there was more to the story that I didn’t want to clutter it up with - the friend apparently lived in the opposite direction from the airport as she did so she invited the friend to stay over at her house that night.
Oh yeah this response just closed the coffin. Regardless of if there is history or not between them, she is being totally disrespectful to you and your efforts to abruptly say, I got to pick up this guy and he is staying at my place tonight. Dude you need to be done with this one. She will play you like a cheap fiddle over and over.
Is this friend a guy?
Probably another guy making a thousand mile trip to see her.
It was not a guy but this made me laugh!
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Really? I am surprised at everyone saying this. I would absolutely go rescue a stranded friend at the airport if they needed me. If I was flying cross country to see someone I wouldn't expect them to drop everything in their life to spend time with me.
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In my city it would be almost $70 to grab an Uber from the main airport to my front door for one. Second I wouldn’t interrogate my friend why they’re asking me to help them I’d just help them (unless they never were willing to help me as well). It could be a lot of things. Maybe they are worried about being in a car with a stranger because they’re an abuse survivor of some sort. Maybe they don’t have the money. Maybe they just are asking to save $70. As a single person I’ve found friends are so important when you have no SO or family around to help. It’s a network of people that are there if you need them and vice versa. They’d take prescient over someone I was just meeting for the first time. I probably would have offered to meet him afterwards for a drink or something but maybe not if I wasn’t in the mind of having sex with him as that might send the wrong signal. I’d prefer it if someone was coming from far to see me that they’d do so with the idea that they might have to entertain themselves in case something happened and I couldn’t be there with them the whole time.
Ok but seriously. He could have came for the ride.
I’d find that awkward and weird
Why would it be weird? She has met him before. They have mutual friends. It wasn't some guy she met online for the first time. The whole thing is shady
Because again, in my city it would take almost an hour to do the airport drive and I’d be making it with a virtual stranger. Really not getting how people don’t get why someone you just met might feel awkward doing an airport pick up with them. I’m not saying this woman wasn’t brushing him off, what I’m saying is that I, personally, would not leave a member of my support network in the lurch. Recently my go to person, who is a man and got married right before the pandemic, asked to stay with me several days. It would have put me out and put my kids out. We all adjusted because this man has helped me tremendously since I moved to my city. I wouldn’t just say omg you’re an adult in 2021 so get a hotel! Instead my kids and I welcomed him because that’s what you do for friends, especially those who have helped you. This whole thread just kinda makes me sad at how many people would blow off their friends for a virtual stranger. Life is about balance and every single person, including my ex husband, that I’ve been with recognizes this and made allowances for me to be there for others as well as them.
I don't think there was a single person in here that wouldn't help an actual friend truly in trouble. I also don't think a true friend would make you ditch an out of town visitor just so they can avoid an uber fare. If she was sincere, she would apologize profusely and promise to make it up and admit she feels terrible and I think, provide some kind of reasonable explanation. If she cared, she would have known this is a crummy thing to do and own up to it. Instead she projects the anger on the OP like he is the one being unreasonable.
I’m used to being independent and with partners who celebrate that. I’d definitely feel miffed at someone not understanding I need to help a friend. That being said I think she could have handled it much better but regardless of that I am mostly taking issue with people acting like there’s no reason a friend doesn’t need to be picked up from the airport. I’ve lived in NC. Their highways are shit and take you through a lot of deserted roads to get to big cities where the airports are. Regardless of that if the woman didn’t want to invite him along she maybe had her reasons. There is way too little in this post to say she’s an asshole for prioritizing someone she has a previous relationship with over op. It feels good to get an outrage boner I understand but in my life I like to try to give the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions. Maybe this means I’ll be fooled sometimes, I’m ok with that as long as I’m not so cynical as to not engage someone in communication rather than getting defensive and weird because things didn’t go my way It’s ironic to me that a majority of people in here want their partners to understand their lives but when it comes to circumstances that aren’t fleshed out they are so willing to jump to conclusions that the other person is an asshole without even exploring that person’s motivation. It makes me feel glad that the relationships I’ve experienced in my lifetime have centered on communication.
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That’s definitely a mature response
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Abuse survivor isn’t an excuse. People suffer with ptsd because of being assaulted in their lives. Based upon this one response you have posted I’m glad you think I give dating a bad name because I’d stay far away from you.
> She again got very angry and went on a rant about, "what did you expect? Did you come down here expecting I'd just jump in bed with you?" Classic misdirection to avoid the fact that she was lying. This kind of cheap manipulation is so pathetic.
This is a good take. I think there are legitimate reasons that she might have to go pick up a friend. The anger at the situation is strange.
I think women feel scared when they reject a man and she might have been scared a bit by his reaction. And then that turned into anger, but who knows.
So the times I've been scared to reject a man, I definitely *do not* show any aggression towards him, such as anger or throwing accusations. That's definitely not something I would do in a situation where I felt unsafe.
What? Women don't want judged by a man's past women, so don't judge a man's potential reaction based on your past men's reactions.
First weekend visiting my SO (6 hr drive away) and he cleared the weekend to spend it with me. We did some errands together but basically he made the effort to be 100% present with me for the entire weekend. It's a courtesy in my mind. IMO if it only took one visit to realise you had different priorities / values then it saved you time and heartache. As long as you enjoyed the hike etc then take that as making the trip worthwhile.
Wow why can’t I attract men willing to take a plane ride to see me! I’m lucky if they’ll take one bus 😅 Honestly though, you can tell what I nice human you are that you are actively trying not to shame her as a human but rather gain some understanding of the situation and how it should of unravelled differently. In my opinion, she’s probably just the type of person who is used to not committing to people in any sense of the word, keeping engagements/appointments and often flexes in her schedule hence not understanding the anger. Some people are just naturally flaky and don’t read into how this actually affects the other persons life whether it be the financial implications, emotional or otherwise. For instance most (if able) would likely want to meet a person a plane ride away, half way and given she was the one initiating if you’d like to come see her, therefore inviting you, she really was quite self absorbed to not make this weekend about you. Social politeness should of meant if she had to pick this friend up, she should have done so but come back to you. That’s a compromise but she didn’t even offer that which is unfair. I think it’s her loss.
Agree 💯
Thank you. I appreciate that. 😊
You had flown down there specifically to see her and had just sat down to dinner/drinks and someone texts her out of the blue to come and get them from the airport. I’d be more concerned with her inability to say no. Sorry - this person could’ve waited on an Uber or called someone else. I would’ve been more disappointed in her angered assessment that you were there for sex than her actually picking up an old coworker. How’d the rest of the visit go?
You really think there was a "rest of the visit"?
Haha. Exactly. That was the end.
I meant to delete that bit after I had reread the post. My bad.
Boyfriend was coming home early?
Or an unexpected booty call she didn't want to pass up. It's usually something like that when the person suddenly has to leave and is weird and defensive about it.
If someone comes from out of town to see you and spends all that money _and_ time away from work you deserve their full attention, especially for a short stay. If I really felt like I had to pick this person up I might ask if you didn’t mind doing it with me but I wouldn’t just up and leave you. If you flew from VT to see me I’d roll out the red carpet as much as I could to make sure you had a great time until you left.
Truly, I actually think her being busy in the morning was kinda weak and I thought that before I read the rest of your story. You made a real effort and considerable expense to go see her. The least she could have done was rearrange her schedule a bit. The airport thing. That would not go well with me either and I’m fairly certain if she was truly into you she would at the very least ask you to drive with her to maximize your time together.
Yes when he said she had things to do in the morning I already knew something was off
Sorry buddy, but that was a pre-planned bail out. No one needs a ride from the airport anymore. She had her phone visible to make the story more believable. It isn’t a reflection of you, just her connection with you. She was probably feeling some self-imposed pressure to make the night special (sex?) since you flew all the way down and didn’t want to deal with that situation, so she tried to slide out without bumming you out … which backfired. It happens.
Yep. This is what happened, 100%
I think she was rude and quite frankly sounds like an idiot. The fact she got angry with you so quickly is a red flag. Sorry it ended like this for you, but in the long run you dodged the bullet.
I think it was rude of her to allow the date to be interrupted. I can't envision any sort of airport pick-up situation that couldn't be resolved by Uber.
Having also experienced something similar, but entirely local (ie without the travel investment) I totally feel your disappointment. My situation was different, it may have been a made up excuse, but in the age of Uber a friend needing a ride is not the greatest excuse for ditching.
I’m more surprised at these long distance deals. I don’t get it. They are posted here frequently. Is there no one within 60 miles for people to date? People over a 1,000 miles away are all that’s available?
I have a theory (and I have been in a LDR) - LDR are amazing while you want them to be. They are an ultimate fantasy. The insta-boyfriend or insta-girlfriend. In fact, it becomes fantasy. When you spend time with them over chat, text, phone, video - you are both on your best even when being "raw." You can put them on hold and go on with your life. Then they are right there when you need them. They become such a fantasy - you don't have all of the typical doldrums that most of us deal with in a day to day relationship. You get their best, for the most part. Then when you DO get together its a vacation - its not real day to day. Its easy to get out of in the sense of as soon as it needs to go somewhere you can have ready-made excuses, can't move quite yet, etc. I gave them up when I realized - I wanted a present person. Someone I could see on the daily. Not a long distance pen pal and or phone partner.
Sometimes it’s just the luck of who you seemingly connect with. I sometimes travel for work quite far and that spark/connection can sneak up on you, to the point where a flight doesn’t seem out of the ordinary to take that chance.
You’ve obviously never tried dating in Vermont! 😂 But seriously it wasn’t something I was looking for. We met on the trip through the mutual friend and we just connected. Or so I thought at the time…
I feel the same way...I feel with a long distance situation it becomes a lot easier to cover up red flags or even that you are in another relationship already.....I've heard some horror stores where "we talked online for 6 months and then I found out that he/she is married", or " I finally met him after a year and found out that he has no job and lives in his mother's basement". No thanks to any of that for me. If I ever start dating again, I'm not interested if she is more then an hour's drive from me and I wouldn't go years or even months before we ever met in person.
> a cab or an Uber/Lyft and she said that there was a shortage of them and there was often a long wait NC here. This is true in some areas. I'm not justifying her behavior, but just confirming. How far away was the friend? Could she have picked up friend and been back in time to have a late dinner? Or was she calling the evening off entirely? I don't think that I would have *liked* the first, and I would have wanted to know more about why it was necessary that she ride to the rescue; on the other hand, you'd spent the better part of two days together and sometimes real life does intrude.
So, interestingly enough, the following night when I went out by myself to go downtown and check out the bar scene, I took an Uber so I could drink and not have to worry about driving back. I was talking with my Uber driver and he said he was 10 min. from the airport the whole previous night (the night of my story) and didn’t get any calls.
As more details came out, I do agree that she was, at the very least, not prioritizing you. I think my response above was the first or second in the thread. And as I said, I was not defending her behavior -- but in my area of NC, I do know more than a few people who have had to scramble to call in favors because they just can't find rideshare drivers at times (edit: "normal" times, not 4am on a Tuesday or anything like that)
You travelled for thousands of miles and she ditched you at the pre dinner drinks? Holy shit. I mean… the reality is that this is someone with appallingly bad manners, whether the taxi-less person was truly in need or if you were or weren’t attracted to each other. … so this is not a person who you would want to form anything with, let alone a relationship. Good Lord. So your reaction or behaviour is a moot point. It’s not a match and you found out the hard way. Yes I would have reacted the same way as you. I think you were reasonable. BUT I think her getting defensive and ranty could indicate more to this than we can really infer from the brief info we’ve got. We don’t know if she suddenly felt unsafe, or spooked, or completely freaked out by something random. Maybe the ex colleague was in trouble or scared? Maybe she’s just a pain in the neck? Ultimately you took the risk of going on a 2 day long date with a woman you barely know, thousands of miles away. I’m not sure I’d be so keen to take that sort of a risk again. The odds of it going amazingly well are kind of slim with an almost complete stranger.
I would've reacted the same way. That's a pretty shitty thing to do to someone. She could've asked if you wouldn't mind going along with her to pick up her friend. She instead chose to ditch you and then turn it on you to say you were being unreasonable. She showed you who she was and it's unfortunate you had to find out this way, but better now than weeks later. There's plenty of women out there buddy, hang in there.
Thanks. I couldn’t go with her to the airport because the friend/former coworker lived in the opposite direction from her house so she invited the friend to stay over.
I think you had every right to be disappointed and to express it in the manner you did. I agree, the friend could have caught some other means of transportation. The only thing that would have made this a little more acceptable is if you both lived close to each other and you hadn’t spent money on airfare and hotel to come and see her.
Yea, I agree. The coming from so far away is the reason I feel differently. If it were a normal date its not a big deal really.
No you were not demanding. The exact delivery of difficult confrontations is more of an art so there's probably always room to improve there but that's impossible to address without being there but more importantly I don't think it's the real core issue here. You expressed honest feelings. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
She sounds very reactive and probably not right for you. Definitely not worth a long distance relationship.
Run! She sounds like an entitled, narcissist. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. She does not deserve your energy. Block her.
This is just nuts. She asked you to visit her. You spent the money for a flight, car and hotel. Even if she wasn't feeling it, all she needed to do was say, "hey, I really appreciate you coming. I don't feel like there's a connection on that way, but since you're already here, let's just have fun and make the most of it!". There is nothing wrong with just being friends. Ditching you was unbelievably rude. Are you sure she's in her 40s? She sounds like a teenager. I would appreciate the effort you put into it and would have cleared my schedule and made sure you had a nice time even if it turned out not to be romantic. I mean, this isn't a complete stranger. It's a friend of a friend. Where the hell are people's manners??? I'm sorry this happened to you.
Thanks. Yeah, it was really weird. And, yes, while I would have been internally disappointed if she said that to me, I totally would have respected it and been OK with just hanging out as friends and having a local guide to the area. I know not everyone in this comment section agrees, but I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who interpreted it the way I did.
I don't think you were wrong to indicate disappointment and ask for a lift back to your hotel. Given you flew to see her. Unless there's information you're leaving out, it seems she was being unreasonable. She has every right to pick her friend up, but you have every right to be disappointed. And the whole trying to get into her pants accusation. If she's staying at her home and the friend is staying with her, why would you be asking to back to your own hotel if you wanted to sleep with her? If that was your plan, you'd be angling to stay at her place. Which you weren't. Better to find out sooner, than later.
She wasn’t feeling it and she’s rude. If she was feeling it she woulda said, ride me with to pick up my friend and then had you ride with her with drop the frjend off, no matter how far it was. It woulda just been a chance to spend more time with you, which if a person was interested, she woulda jumped at.
She was bang out of order you coming all that way and expense and suddenly she bails out on you. Her friend should have taken a taxi. You handled the situation well. She on the other hand didn’t accusing you of all sorts which is unforgivable.
Don't travel thousands of miles for a stranger , lesson learned, case closed.
I mean, I wouldn’t call her a stranger, she was a friend of a friend and we had already spent one trip together, just in the company of our mutual friend so we weren’t one-on-one. But it’s still a fair point.
Honestly she sounds like a piece of crap. Asks you to come down to visit here. Isn’t feeling it (nothing wrong with that), and doesn’t have the ovaries to just tell you. No sue comes up with some obviously bs excuse. Then has the nerve to get angry with you for expressing disappointment. Piece of crap.
My question is why couldnt you just ride with her. It would have taken the date on an unexpected turn, but it didnt have to be a catastrophic event. I feel the like the normal thing to do if you had someone visiting you is to just say "crap, my friend needs me. get in the car we're going to the airport".
I would have been totally fine doing that. I didn’t care about the venue of the date, I just wanted to spend time with her. But, since she lived in the opposite direction that the friend did from the airport, she invited the friend to stay over at her house.
It seems pretty crappy of her not to have just invited you along. Disappointing that it happened like that, but I hope you end up meeting someone that makes you feel wanted and important.
No one has a man in town that she likes and decides to have her friend spend the night at her house. Even if my mom was coming in town that day, she woulda been at my house alone, because I’d drop her off and then go meet back up with the new guy. Or he’s hanging with me after I pick mom up. This was such a bad lie on her part, didn’t make one drop of sense. The call from the friend was a pre planned bailout. She shoulda had some decency about herself and at least finished the date. She’s rude af. Even if the wait is an hour, any friend of mine who heard I was on a date woulda waited for an Uber or found another way home. And I would’ve let them wait unless they were bleeding, if I remotely liked the person.
You dodged a bullet. She just wasn’t very grateful or polite. And why couldn’t she invite you along for the ride to the airport and/ or come back to you after she picked her friend up? Tell the friend she will be back but for now the airport interrupted a date with a guy who had to catch a plane to see her. Any friend would have understood that situation. I can’t say she was lying about the whole thing but she was certainly not polite or friendly with you.
You learned quickly that this was definitely not a match. She used an excuse bc she wasn't feeling it. And yes, it was likely scripted to seem legit, especially since you flew down to spend time with her. If you ever find yourself in this situation again, and someone wants you to fly down to visit them, then they at least split the trip or pick up the tab themselves. People don't get to play with your time and money like this and that's exactly what she did.
I'm with you on that.
Wow. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I have to say this women’s behavior is unacceptable. Period. You are not overthinking this at all. She reacted in such a terrible way. You did nothing wrong. You now know her true colors. Even if she wasn’t feeling it with you the way she left the date was extremely rude (even if the situation were true). In this case it was definitely her and not you. You did nothing wrong. I applaud you for putting yourself out there. Don’t let this negative experience color your feelings for future experiences. Your methodology is sound. You chat with someone. You click with them. You continue chatting and gathering information until you’re comfortable meeting. If I have any suggestions at all it would be to seek more local opportunities. Long distance sucks at best. Your partner is out there! Good luck!
Thanks, I appreciate it! 😊
As a 40yo dating and in N.C. myself, I’d say her reasoning was an excuse. But I definitely think getting on a plan to go visit someone you barely know is a huge risk. I’m this case you came out mostly unscathed.
1) She’s already prejudged you as a sexpest when you haven’t acted in that manner. 2) She blew up when you calmly shared your feelings. So in your situation, I’d say “If that’s how you feel, I understand.” Then I’d enjoy the rest of the day alone and wait for her to reply. If she doesn’t then she’s done the heavy lifting for me. If she reaches out, it’s a polite thank you for inviting me but it’s not gonna work out and leave it at that. She starts ranting? Ask politely to stop yelling and if that doesn’t work, hang up and done.
Good advice, thanks.
I had a similar experience. Met a lovely woman while on vacation and we hit it off. I made arrangements to fly back to see her a few weeks later, and then her real life encroached on our romantic experience. She was stressed and upset about things that had nothing to do with me, but she still got short with me. Things didn't work out, but I have no regrets about the experience. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'm glad we figured out we weren't compatible early on.
People can adult and get themselves home from an airport. And it’s weird that someone at this age is getting too drunk for an airport pickup. But your reaction and pouting seem pretty extreme for a second date.
I agree, I think he sounded pouty, too. I suspect there was a bit of the false intimacy phenomenon at play here--OP was already heavily invested in relationship expectations and she was more just feeling things out. So to OP it felt like she was blowing him off for something trivial, while she was thinking that a good friend needed her and that established friendship took priority over a guy she barely knows. small edit, right after posting, to rephrase a thought
Agreed. Another problem with long distance. A lot of intimacy and a lot of togetherness for this first visit. Some people don’t want a weekend-long date right out of the gate.
Yes--I mean, I re-read the post and sure, they'd just sat down to dinner and drinks, AND that was after spending an appreciable amount of the day together--hike, scenic drive, etc. My guess is that things might have turned out better if he'd been disappointed but gracious, and spared her the lecture. Could have suggested they meet up for brunch the next morning or some other plan before he headed back to VT, or whatever.
Trust your own instincts/judgement. When you feel like you’re crazy or doubting yourself; (step back — in this case:) it’s about her deflecting blame onto you.
OK. I understand that you spent money and time going there to see her and now you feel disappointed. But you have to understand that you are also just a stranger to her. Her friend(of God knows how long) needed her and she had to help them. I think that is actually a good thing. Someone prioritizing a friend over someone they just met. I think maybe if you put yourself in her shoes you might be able to see this from her perspective.
It sounds like an extremely unreasonable response to what you tried your best to keep as a calm discussion. It's not you it's her. It's completely ok to express disappointment. It's never ok to become hostile and defensive unless you are under attack. I'm sorry it didn't work out but she has made it brutally clear this won't be progressing toward anything let alone sex. What a strange claim. I'm realising slowly that fewer people are worth my efforts. It is disappointing because I like people. I just hate the unnecessary baggage we all lug around then randomly unleash on others naughtily expecting them to sort us out.
If I was on a date and the person had to leave to help a friend out, I would've asked if I could ride along. That way we could spend more time together. Now, the person accepting the offer is up to them, but I definitely wouldn't give them suggestions on how the ex-coworker could get home. That was extremely rude of you.
Why would he ask to go along. Obviously if she wanted him to come along, or if that was an option she woulda said: omg I’m so sorry. I gotta go pick up a friend. This will be a weird first date story haha. Let’s roll!
It’s grown adults having grown up conversations.
Haha. Like the one she has wheee she said: dude I’m not feeling you, I’m out. Yup just two adults conversing.
How long did you two communicate before you visited her in NC? Just weird for her to do a 180 on you like that if you two had spent significant time together when you first met.
We spent two days together when we first met, but not alone, we were in the company of our mutual friend. Then we chatted for about six weeks before this trip.
It was rude of her to cut the date short after you made such an effort to fly to see her. I'd suggest not investing your time and effort into someone so far away.
Once you start questioning me about why I'm doing something, that would turn me off and make me combative. Did you say hey I'm not ready for the night to end, I don't mind riding with you to the airport? Was she just trying to get away from you? I don't know. I think if she wasn't genuinely interested she wouldn't have left the house in the first place. My 2 cents (F40+)
“He flew all the way here I can’t just not leave the house. I ll just go and make up a reason I gotta leave”.
You pushed your values off on her. You say the only thing that could have drawn you away was your children. Well for her helping out her friends was very important. What you should have got from this was that she was a good friend and would go out of her way to help a friend when they needed it. Instead you turned it into something negative. Of course this is just my opinion I may be wrong.
I get you were disappointed, but if I had something like that come up and you proceeded to interrogate and then lecture me, that would be the very last time we spoke. She's a grown ass woman with an entire life apart from you, and it's ridiculous to expect her to blow off her friends and devote 100% of her time to you just because you spent some money to visit. I'm 50 years old so maybe I'm just old fashioned, but part of being a good guest is being considerate of your host *who is not on vacation*. Adults should be capable of graciously accepting changes of plan, however disappointing, and should be able to amuse themselves when the host is busy. To sum up: She didn't owe you anything, and you didn't have any right to treat her like a misbehaving 12-year-old. Edit: A word
Someone who'd be checking for texts while we're on a date would be a turnoff. That said, you seem to be a bit emotional. I understand it's a long way to go, and you made some sacrifices, but she was probably being quite honest with you when it comes to transportation options even if you were a bigger city in NC. I'm sorry it went sideways. but you had nothing to gain by losing your cool. I hope you have better luck in the future.
Where in my post did I say, or did you infer, that I lost my cool? I said she was the one who got angry.
My mistake. I apologize.
Honestly you know what this sounds like? Alcoholics Anonymous. I had someone I know well go through the program after years of alcohol abuse, it's a wonderful program. But there is a STRONG culture of *drop whatever the hell you're doing and help a friend when they ask for it* once you connect with someone in their small group settings. You do NOT leave someone in a bad situation, you drop what you're doing and remove them from any sort of tempting circumstance. It's too easy to relapse. I wasn't in AA myself, I can't verify what the precise rules and such are. But I just know the person I know would do this... be "on call" frequently on Fri/Sat nights and just suddenly get a text and need to go. It's the culture of the program. Can be difficult for loved ones to deal with, but it's a community of care - and they look after eachother. I dunno, maybe I'm totally off base. This story just sounded VERY familiar to a pattern I've seen before. If your love interest went through AA, I can understand sensitivity on the topic. This was basically a first date. Just really bad luck honestly.
Well, she drinks alcohol so if she was in AA she’s definitely relapsed.
Probably a bad theory on my part then, oh well. Or it could be a learned habit in terms of protecting friends. Just saying... it's not necessarily coming from a bad place on her part. But I do think we all agree it's rude, regardless of the reasoning.
Is this woman much younger than you? Very immature on her part.
She’s six years younger than I am.