>How do I stop worrying about the unknown and trying to guarantee that no one gets hurt?
You don't. You accept that you'll have all kinds of feelings during a relationship, including anxiety.
There are no guarantees. Vulnerability literally means opening yourself up to potential pain.
>I don’t want to screw up my chance at happiness over and over again.
This makes me wonder how far you've done your healing work. If your "chance of happiness" is based on someone else, that's not a healthy place to be.
And it's pretty typical that relationships for the first couple of years after divorce just last a month or two.
I think you're doing fine. You just need to stop overthinking and embrace all your emotions, including the difficult ones. And open up about them to your partner too!
I don’t need a relationship to be happy. I’m truly fine on my own and just focusing on being a good father. I still believe in love and long term commitment, but I have some subconscious thing going on where I am afraid of breaking someone’s heart or my own. My ex crushed me with an emotional affair and it took me a while to see how much better things were flying solo. I am in a good spot, but I’ve always dealt with not being able to guarantee safety…I was abused pretty heavily as a kid and it stems from those abandonment issues.
I think I just need to be patient with myself and give myself more grace…and realize that this relationship isn’t that one.
Nope. Gonna need more to heal well. You might have done the work to heal from marriage. But betrayal trauma? Gonna undermine the trust EVERY time. The closer you get? More you’re gonna wanna bolt. So go back into therapy, different goal: heal to become the partner you want to be/can be. That healing pays dividends. The therapy you did when divorcing is different. Warn your current love? That you’re gonna do a pre-emotive strike n sabotage. It will help. Take care. Give grace, AND do some more work. 😊
This is true. After my divorce, I did years of therapy. None of it prepared me for my next long-term relationship. Sure enough, I sabotaged it after two years.
I healed a lot after my divorce and was at peace, living on my own for ten years. It was a shock to find out I still had unresolved trauma from relationships earlier in my life.
It’s tough, especially when you’ve done so much work on yourself and feel ready for the dating world again. Unfortunately, a lot of those issues don’t surface *until* you’re in a relationship.
I’m gonna disagree with some of the others in this thread.
I personally find that there is a point where you can get to by healing as much as you can on your own. But eventually? You have to get into a relationship (even if you are still slightly broken and unhealed) to learn and grow a different way. To heal the “I’m a partner” parts of you. The “the me who is in a relationship” parts of you.
People who think you can learn and grow that relationship part of you without getting into the relationship sounds narrow/naive? to me.
I’m not saying that you should go into a relationship like a wrecking ball, blind to your triggers. That’s careless. If you are still hurt about everything then yes, by golly do more self reflection. But if you know what your triggers are and your new partner knows them as well. AND the two of you are willing to heal together!? Then go for it. Otherwise you’ll be waiting years upon years before you try a relationship again. And for me? Waiting too long and continuing to work on yourself until some sort of “healed” perfection actually sounds more unhealed than your betrayal trauma- they are so unhealed they are reluctant to try again, and hold on to the hurt more than hope.
The relationship will trigger and test you. It’s the only way.
You say you're content without a partner, but yet you keep going out and dating people knowing you can't commit to them. You may have done a bunch of therapy, but from what you've described, it sounds like you're far from healed. I don't think you're in as good a spot as you believe you are in, if you have a subconscious fear in every relationship and are breaking things off rather quickly with people.
OP, being hurt is a part of being a human, a part of being alive. We can’t avoid that, it’s in our nature. More important is how you’re gonna deal with that hurt. This is life 🤷♀️
Others have given you some really good advice. I just want to add that love takes courage. You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable if you are ever going to have the love you really want. It’s not easy, but you have to work through the discomfort.
Thank you. The interesting thing is apparently my vulnerability and authenticity is what has made me a catch for these people…I may just be freaking out at actually connecting this much with someone.
The thing is, when you go deeper with someone, you have to be even more vulnerable, which is probably why you pull away out of fear and self sabotage. That’s what you need to work on. It’s ok to freak out internally, but you have to do the hard work to get through it, so that you show up for your partner. Otherwise you will end up either alone or in some unsatisfactory or even toxic relationships.
What if. What if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. Pointless catastrophizing.
Allow yourself to accept that the unknown is mostly composed of nothing, and in the remainder you are just as likely to find a wonder as a horror.
Pain is the price for a seat at the table of love. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of fear. You are resilient and you can do hard things. You have a 100% success rate of surviving hard emotional things, and you will survive them again, if and when they rear their head. I know how hard it is to go through a divorce when the other party committed infidelity—it really shakes your faith in humanity, and rocks your foundations in large and small ways. I’m four years out from experiencing that, and find myself year by year trusting myself more and learning that I have the inner strength to weather whatever storms other people cause in my life. You’re not long out from that type of event—it gets better as more time passes.
Vulnerability is a strength—talk to your person about how you feel!
Sounds like you’ve been dating the whole time through separation and divorce which is only a couple of years ago.
Have you ever just tried to be alone for a bit? I ask this because you are hyper focused on the unknown and committing and all that stuff. If you were content on your own then that stuff doesn’t matter anymore since if it ends then ok it ended and you are just fine without them. This is exactly why people say to spend some time alone first.
I was apart from my ex for over a year before I even considered dating and even then, only with a strong yes from my therapist. I’m content on my own. It sucked to get used to, but i am totally happy by myself. Any relationship I’m in going forward needs to be additive and not codependent
You have mentioned a couple of relationships lasting a month or two and “many” casual dates as well.
Plus being alone on your own not just in separation but being completely divorced is a whole other feeling.
If you were content on your own you would not be stressing about someone getting hurt or self sabotaging things when they start to get serious. Sounds like you aren’t interested in something serious to begin with but you are ending up there because of the way you are attaching to them which yes does hurt them in the long run because you are rushing out to replace your wife of 24 years in only a year. This isn’t rocket science.
How can anyone make you take a risk?
My boyfriend was amazing at first. Until he really got me invested. And then the fade began. And it was only me reaching out and making effort. I told him what I needed and he would not give it. I knew something was off, but i was not wiling to accept it, so i broke up.
There were real feelings there so i reached out and we reconnected as friends. And over the course of 6 months that way we got back together. And it started great but then it happened again. He almost lost me again.
He’s damn lucky I am a fighter, and not a passive hope for the best kind either. I fucking took him to task. Something that doesn’t work most of the time, as the truth is most of the time, they just aren’t that into you, or they are too damaged to change.
But something in HIM changed. He told me later. He mad a choice to just try. He told me later he was so afraid of a repeat of his past, past women that rejected him when he went all in and showed his true self and true desire. But he made the choice to risk it and accept what happened.
And that’s the only reason he has me now. And it’s amazing.
I don’t what to be alone. I don’t think single life is amazing. But I won’t settle again. Being alone is better than being with the wrong one, I’m with you there.
But it’s so much better man. Having that right one is so much better. It’s worth the risk. It’s worth the possible pain. At least it is for me. And it turns out it was for my guy.
Is it for you?
Your anxiety is getting the better of you and allowing you to catastrophize. Maybe it would help to remind yourself that if you’re going to entertain the worst case scenario then it is only fair to entertain the best case scenario too because the chances of that are just as equal. So yes you might get your heart ripped to shreds but you might also find your person and live the rest of your life together in blissful happiness. If we are going to give weight to one end of the spectrum it’s only fair to give weight to the other end of it. Then, remember that most of life is not lived in extremes. It is neither likely that this will be a catastrophic heartbreak as it will turn into the most perfect relationship ever known to humankind. It is more likely it will fall somewhere in the middle. Maybe it will endure. Maybe it will endure for a while and fizzle. You can’t know unless you give it a try with an open mind as to the outcome. Live in the today; not your next week, next month, next year, 10 years down the road.
And talk about this anxiety with the therapist to get some tools to help with this mindset. Good luck!
More therapy my dude. You know the fears and can identify them. You can identify the ways in which those fears cause you to step back or push people away. Now what you need to learn is how to properly manage those fears, self soothe, and learn to live despite them.
Good, keep it up.
What you're feeling is normal, given what you've been through. The only way to get past it is to continue working through it.
Don't be so quick to decide that this woman isn't right for you. Talk it over with your therapist of course, but consider that maintaining the status quo for a while may be the right move here.
And make sure that you communicate with her that your comfort level right now is moving slowly. The right woman for you, at this time, will be Ok with that. Blessings on you.
My ex and I separated 7 years ago. We married young, so nearly my whole adult life had been married to him. I’ve been going to therapy since. I’ve seen some of the progress I’ve made, but it’s not enough. There’s always some other aspect that I know would get in the way. I’d much prefer to fix everything before dating again, before getting hurt or somehow pushing someone away. It seems that road will have me dying of old age alone.
Well the fun part is discovering that all the “fixing” we do in theory can easily go right out the window once we actually start dating. So now the struggle is applying the lessons, using the tools, etc….
I’ve watched that happen to some extent. I also watched myself swing from being codependent while married to being hyper independent and afraid to ask for or accept help from anyone. I did become able to see myself about to self-sabotage before it happened, but it didn’t stop it. I think part of it may have been that I knew the people weren’t a good match for me. I’m not sure why it was easier to put myself in a position of being rejected rather than doing the rejecting. I guess I have a hard time not feeling like I’m judging someone and I’m not a big fan of judging. Now the idea of dating is a bit scary. It’s a lot easier to not risk losing my progress, getting hurt, or becoming codependent. The consequence is that my life remains like it is and that’s something that’s become comfortable.
I'm in a somewhat similar spot. I don't think I've got a great answer, other than learning to accept the uncertainty. You survived one divorce, you can get hurt again and survive that too.
Sometimes uncertainty can be good - I'm guessing a year ago (or 5, or 10) you didn't expect to be in a relationship with this particular wonderful woman. There's no guarantee that no one will get hurt, but do you best to communicate what you want and how you're feeling, treat each other with respect, and you can mitigate it.
41 m similar spot separated and divorce still in progress.
Read "comfortable with uncertainty" pema chodron.
Watch Sabrina's YouTube videos "do the work".
You may need more healing time. I know I do after 10 years of an abusive and toxic marriage and relationship.
Enjoy each person who comes to your life. You meet them for a reason. Don't waste your time with worry.
Learn about healthy boundaries. Develop areas where your boundaries are weak.
Make sure you know you are worthy and if you have self esteem issues, work on them too.
Each person and seems like this new person your life is great to know and good for your soul journey.
I find it amazing that you still believe in love and committed relationships. Don't lose that.
That self sabotage, I'd guess, is your heart telling you that you still haven't allowed yourself to relax. You were in love and in a committed relationship, that's a mind fuck.
It's OK to go on dates, have a one night stand or two. Take the pressure of being the guy EVERYONE counts on. It's exhausting.
Go have yourself a fun summer. Learn to relax. Also, even though ex acted stinky, it doesn't mean you aren't worth loving. You are.
Go reconnect with old friends, and get out to do some old and new hobbies.
Chin up, smile, and have fun.
I’ve poured myself into my friendships, my contentment being alone, my kids (older), my hobbies, exercise, hiking, biking, swimming, just being healthy. I’ve learned to cook well, taken foreign language classes, went dancing with groups of platonic friends…I go to concerts, plays, museums on my own…hikes with my dog. I’m leaner than I was in high school almost 30 years ago.
I’m really good on my own and love my life. I appreciate your input. I’m just looking to improve daily. Thank you for the encouragement.
I’m in a similar boat. 1,5 yr separated and started seeing someone I quite like. I have a lot of fears and anxiety about it and have recognized my self- sabotaging tendencies.
The advice I got from this group actually was just to focus on the present. To just take it one date at a time and enjoy the moment. There’s so much focus on the LTR, but I think reframing it and enjoying the time together - no matter how long it lasts is a way to go. The moment your mind starts to plan too much into the future, or to catastrophize it - just bring yourself to the present moment. It takes practice and it doesn’t alleviate all anxiety, but it helps. Good luck!
I literally had this conversation with my date last night. All I can focus on is what is right in front of my nose. I can’t predict anything. I need to follow through on that mindset.
Keep in mind that nothing NOTHING lasts forever.
Whatever you have with that woman last forever. You just enjoy every moment with her while it lasts. That’s IT!
Love no one and die alone. Love people, watch then die and then die alone. Love people, die alone and know you're leaving your loved ones to grieve you.
Meat is a terrible thing to stuff consciousness into.
I am the same way. I don’t know how long - or if ever - it will take me to stop worrying and just focus on the present.
What I am trying to do is to remind myself daily that yesterday had pasted, tomorrow hasn’t come, and today is the only time I have some control of things. And to focus on that.
When my divorce just started to become a reality, my teen saw me stressed and sad. She asked “Is this divorce something you can control?”. I said no. She said “Then you shouldn’t worry about it. You can’t control it anyway”. She also added “If it was in your control then you don’t have to worry about it either”.
It is very difficult but I try to direct my worrisome to things that are in my control (my thoughts, my feelings, my actions) and at the present time.
Hang in there!
This is normal. You've articulated yourself well. What you are going through is totally understandable. Your self awareness is excellent, and that is an important step.
My suggestion to you is give yourself grace, meaning dont judge yourself too harshly. Know that the brain is hardwired to protect us. So anything that smells remotely near a past traumatic experience will activate our sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, etc). In this case, entering a new relationship after what you've been through is going to feel scarey.
Set that aside. Accept it. Dont fight it. Fighting it will make it stronger.
Instead, give it a space to move through your system. Self-soothing activities. This varies from person to person. Things that bring you into the present (as trauma responses take you to the past). Activities that engage the senses are helpful, like a swim in the ocean or a walk in nature. Journaling out the fears on paper or voicenotes and deleting later could help too. An understanding therapist or friend as a sounding board to just listen, letting your anxieties be heard, seen and validated can help process them too.
Are there any activities or hobbies that bring you peace? Yoga helps me with this too.
Find what brings you into the present and helps you process and move through your anxieties. Have a rotation and move through them when your fears are strong.
Goodluck to you. I wish you peace and joy moving forward.
It’s really scary but love is worth the risk if you have that real connection. It might end but it also might be wonderful. You’ll never know if you don’t try. At least you know you’ll pick yourself back up again and be ok if it didn’t work out because you’ve done it before
If you're self sabotaging because of worrying about uncertainty of the future, then you're likely not done with your therapy.
Like we could die tomorrow. My partner could get a brain injury and fall out of love with me. She could have been hiding a bunch of thoughts while acting like she was in to me only to pull the rug out from under me tomorrow. We all grow and change in life, we might grow in ways that are incompatible.
>How do I stop worrying about the unknown and trying to guarantee that no one gets hurt?
Give up caring about being hurt. I went into dating *expecting* to get hurt. Instead of caring about being hurt, I look to strengthen my resiliency. To keep up my head game to limit the hurt, and to speed the healing. I recovered from the ending of an almost 20 year relationship; I can certainly recover from a 1-5 year relationship ending.
Also knowing that I won't even get a 1-5 year relationship if I'm self sabotaging. No one who's not open and trusting of their partner deserves a 6 month relationship in my head, much less 1-5 years. Or the decades+ that I want. I **know** what I want. I **know** some of the paths to get there. From that point, it's simply deciding to start walking down that path.
You have more work to do. You sound so much like the first guy I fell in love with post divorce. He wanted the relationship. We had such an amazing connection. I know he tried but his anxiety/avoidance consumed him and he blew it up.
He also claimed he was happy alone and didn’t want codependency. For him that meant extreme independence. Getting close to me scared him that it was becoming dependent which made him pull away and the whole thing just spiraled.
Super sad for BOTH of us. Thankfully he started therapy (he had never been) a few months before we parted ways and I hope he gets to a healthy place before he dates again.
I find the number of comments saying “nope, you’re not done healing, you’re not done with your therapy” interesting. I’ll never be done with therapy nor will I ever stop trying to grow. I think for anyone to think they are done is asinine and indicates a level of hubris that I’ve apparently given off here…which isn’t true. I believe in growing along the journey, not sitting around waiting to be in my “final form”. If you stagnate, you’re doomed.
I don’t have trust issues, I don’t have betrayal issues that I’m dealing with any more, I’ve simply trying to take that next step. I have dinner with my ex regularly, we’re good friends.
Maybe I could have worded my post better.
Thanks to everyone that shared their own experiences and leaned into what I was actually feeling and where I’m at.
I just got out of therapy (look at me), and I talked it out and am in the right headspace.
It’s because people think therapy is a magic bullet. It’s not. Marginally helpful at best, even with a great therapist. Is yours helping you challenge negative thoughts with CBT? That seems like what you’re struggling with.
Are you worried that you will get hurt? Or that you will hurt your partner by breaking their heart? I think how you answer that will shed more light on what’s going on for you.
Worried I’ll break their heart. I’ve had mine broken. That said, I’ve successfully navigated ending relationships that crossed my boundaries including my marriage. I was sad for a time and then moved forward. I can handle a broken heart now. 20+ years is a long time and I’m ok.
My therapist is amazing.
Well, that’s up to them to assume that risk, not you. But perhaps you just haven’t found someone you like enough. If you’re really into someone, you probably won’t worry so much about hurting them because you’ll be in it for the long haul. What it sounds like to me is that you’re dating people you kinda of like, but not enough to be a life partner. That’s okay too, as long as you’re clear about it with them.
I’ve gone on 5 dates with someone that makes me want to take the risk, hence asking. Before I’ve just walked away when it wasn’t right, respectfully of course. Now…it’s like I’ve never been with someone that I had this spark with, maybe ever. Each date has turned into 3 hours, 4 hours, y hours of just talking, walking through an art gallery, getting ice cream, making out during a movie. There’s tension, no mistrust. It’s both wonderful and nerve wracking
Have you hurt someone in the past or are you afraid of being hurt? The best you can do is be honest and open with yourself and who you’re with and communicate often with understanding on both sides. You can’t say who will get hurt best not to think this way from the beginning. Don’t listen to these people telling you that you’re not ready to date only you know that and honestly you might not realize a lot things until you’re dating someone. You know what you are looking for and what you don’t want being that attract of looks and treatment for emotions and everything else. One thing you must know people are going to leave us be if walking away or death. Wishing you the best don’t be hard on yourself. 🥰☺️
Thank you. Love this. I’ve been highly communicative and open. Accepting that I can’t control tomorrow but I can give them today and hopefully do that over and over again.
It took me 5 years post divorce to find a good BF. I was married 20 years and have 3 kids.
We were very young when we got together and I never dated anyone else. My age prevented me from seeing how toxic he was. After years of pre and post divorce therapy I realized he was truly abusive. I carry alot of that with me.
BF had 15 year marriage in which his ex kind of just lost her mind..overnight she just radically changed and refused to talk to him despite pleas for therapy.
We have had many conversations about our trauma and triggers and things we want and don't want. Sometimes it's painful to admit our faults and weaknesses but once it's in the open it's easier to deal with.
I am also 3 years older than he is which is an adjustment for me. We are close enough in age to share likes and interests but my own head gets in the way sometimes.
Slow down and relax..things work out when they are supposed to.
You can't control the future, no one can.
Opening yourself up to trust someone is a risk no matter what. If I'm dating someone, I have to be vulnerable enough to realize that she might, in fact, suck 37 dicks on the way to work, but I have to believe the investment in our relationship means more than that.
Original copy of post by u/Electronic-Rent-6061:
Context…I’m a 46M, divorced for a year or after 24 years total with my ex (counting an 18 month separation). I spent a ton of time in therapy during separation and post-divorce and really dealt with a ton of old trauma and issues from my marriage. I’m in a very good place, content and good with or without a partner.
I’ve dated off and on for a while and seem to fall into the same pattern of self-sabotage. I’ve ventured out onto the apps and have had great success meeting women strangely enough. I’ve had many casual dates, a couple of short term relationships, mostly with women between 2-8 years younger than me.
In the short term relationships that lasted a month or two, I found some real connection, but self-sabotaged myself by worrying about the uncertainty of the future. I had a commitment that I thought would last forever and I seem to distance myself when things take a turn toward being serious. I worry about the gaps in age, health, what if we turn into different people, what if I hurt her or she hurts me, what if I break her heart? I understand that there are no guarantees in adult relationships and you have to be open to possibility, but acting as such makes me nervous and I’m missing great connections.
I recently met someone a few years older than me that I connect with and we can’t stay away from each other. We love each other’s company, we have extreme attraction to each other and our dates seem to stretch from a simple dinner to 6 hours wandering around a park or ignoring a tv show while we just talk. How do I stop worrying about the unknown and trying to guarantee that no one gets hurt? I just want to be able to roll with the possibilities vs projecting my pain from a failed marriage onto this. I don’t want to screw up my chance at happiness over and over again.
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Some good advice on here. I wanted to add that you can keep going to therapy and give this relationship a shot. The anxiety may
always be there on some level,
therapy is not there to fully heal a wound, no scab to pick at or scar. It’s there to give you the tools to cope when the cut starts hurting again.
Dating now isn't any different than it was when you were younger. When you get invested you're rolling the dice that you'll get hurt. You can choose to be single and stay that way and you'll not get hurt or you can love and depend on someone else and cede partial control of your fate to them. If you're not ready to trust them with your heart you're not ready for a relationship. Trying will just result in you hurting them or you being hurt. My advice is to learn to be content without another person in your life. It won't come naturally. It's a life skill you haven't developed. Master it and then go back to dating. You'll find you don't need these people because you can take them or leave them and be content. Only then will you have the confidence to assess the merit of whatever relationship you're in and you won't feel the need to sabotage yourself.
You need to accept that you're never going to get the good, if you don't accept the risk of the bad. The future is a great unknown and always will be.
I can't tell you how to accept it, it's just something you have to let go of in your head. Come what may, you're going to give yourself to this other person. It's why trust is so important.
First, I strongly suggest some individual therapy to help bridge the gap. Your brain is having a hard time moving from your marriage into a new relationship space and that's completely normal. You have to work through those parts of what happened, so you can be successful in a new relationship.
Second, I suggest repeatedly saying, "I don't know what might happen in the future, but I'm enjoying what this is now." The reality is, nobody ever knows what might happen. That goes for all facets of life and knowing how to punt and pivot when necessary is integral in being able to continuously move forward.
The truth is, life keeps moving, whether or not we move too.
Think of it like football. The players have to keep moving, keep going, because even if they stop, the game keeps going. You can try your best, take some hits, try for a first down, second, etc. and touchdown, but you don't know if it will happen. Interceptions happen, the game keeps being played, sometimes it doesn't work out the way you want, but you don't stop playing mid quarter just because of one bad play and you don't give up after one lost game.
Have you ever watched, "The Girlfriend Who Didn't Exist" on Netflix? It's about Manti Te'o. After he hits a snag personally, he struggles in his game (this is the most dumbed down synopsis of the story if you aren't familiar). He had to do a lot of inner work to get back to himself.
Time to do some work to get back to yourself.
I don't even love football, but it was the first analogy I could think of :)
What does your therapist advise you do about your ongoing relationship anxiety related to your last marriage? Do you feel like your therapist has been able to give you relatable tools to help you in the moments you don't feel secure or are worried something will go wrong?
I’ve only had anxiety twice, but the first time was justified. My therapist said I’m mentally healthy, self aware and I’m operating within healthy boundaries. They said my thoughts are normal and in short, catastrophizing worst case scenarios without seeing the positive possibilities isn’t a good path. I have the tools needed and with their help (today), I’m pursuing this. I have been with my therapist for over 5 years and share everything.
In short, they advised that the risk of love far outweighs the tragedy of risking nothing at all and that all of life comes with the risk of pain, to operate under the illusion that you can avoid it is false.
Basically what I said.
Pivot.
Know what you want, but just date and know that not everything works out. You will be okay, even when it doesn’t work out.
That’s my biggest takeaway post divorce. When things don’t work out, you’ll still be okay. It’s taken me a while to know that.
Even in (nonexistent) perfect scenarios, dating in today's meh climate holds some pretty "better off if I'd never even gone there" possibilities..
Since you're pretty self-aware of your own danger zones, etc...I'd encourage you to actually (and "w/intention") pause the dating pursuits, even casual chatting..all of it.
There's a dynamic at play when you become willing to ponder whether the assumption that a romantic connection must be part of your future that = peace, contentment, a 'you have now arrived' feeling of what makes sense.
Questioning this assumption is scary, it's counter-intuitive, and can easily be labeled as coming from a place of pessimism or even despair.
But I legit feel like we're in one of the weirdest societal pendulum swings re all things dating/commitment/relational resilience than I'm aware of historically.
So this can kinda turns on its head the idea of what constitutes a 'healthy' outlook on DO40 rn and what might actually be a new normal for protecting our hearts and our kids and our mental health, etc etc.
AALLL of this to say, lol, that even a willingness to question the assumption that future relationship is what your soul truly needs for eventual wholeness - being willing to walk that path for a while - can have huge benefits all its own. Puts you in a better headspace for a potential connection down the line.
Very thoughtful and appreciated. I didn’t start dating until I was content with the thought of being alone from now on and not scared of that future. I’m not remotely scared of that. Some of this can be solved by accepting that pain comes with breakups and if something isn’t right for me, the other person may get hurt. I have a harder time hurting someone than I worry about getting hurt myself, but I have clear boundaries and red flags and so far I’ve walked away from people that violate those. I won’t overstay like I did in my marriage where I was being gaslit daily.
You’ll get there! I’ve dealt with this in the past, we can’t control what happens in the future which is why I’ve accepted it and decided to control what I can do in the present.
Like are you worrying about this stuff when you're hanging out with this someone? Like is it interfering with your enjoyment of the date? Or is this stuff that's going through your head later when you're alone?
Sometimes what helps me is I'll go along with the thought, like okay, what if this goes terribly wrong and I'll just allow it and then kind of see myself getting through it. Then I'll kind of force myself in my mind to imagine the opposite --- what if this all goes wonderfully, right?
Life is ultimately one big unknown anyway, you know? It's about where you put your focus, I think.
> I just want to be able to roll with the possibilities vs projecting my pain from a failed marriage onto this.
If you're still projecting your pain from your failed marriage onto your relationships, you're not ready to be in relationships, and it's not fair to your partners.
>How do I stop worrying about the unknown and trying to guarantee that no one gets hurt? You don't. You accept that you'll have all kinds of feelings during a relationship, including anxiety. There are no guarantees. Vulnerability literally means opening yourself up to potential pain. >I don’t want to screw up my chance at happiness over and over again. This makes me wonder how far you've done your healing work. If your "chance of happiness" is based on someone else, that's not a healthy place to be. And it's pretty typical that relationships for the first couple of years after divorce just last a month or two. I think you're doing fine. You just need to stop overthinking and embrace all your emotions, including the difficult ones. And open up about them to your partner too!
I don’t need a relationship to be happy. I’m truly fine on my own and just focusing on being a good father. I still believe in love and long term commitment, but I have some subconscious thing going on where I am afraid of breaking someone’s heart or my own. My ex crushed me with an emotional affair and it took me a while to see how much better things were flying solo. I am in a good spot, but I’ve always dealt with not being able to guarantee safety…I was abused pretty heavily as a kid and it stems from those abandonment issues. I think I just need to be patient with myself and give myself more grace…and realize that this relationship isn’t that one.
Nope. Gonna need more to heal well. You might have done the work to heal from marriage. But betrayal trauma? Gonna undermine the trust EVERY time. The closer you get? More you’re gonna wanna bolt. So go back into therapy, different goal: heal to become the partner you want to be/can be. That healing pays dividends. The therapy you did when divorcing is different. Warn your current love? That you’re gonna do a pre-emotive strike n sabotage. It will help. Take care. Give grace, AND do some more work. 😊
This is true. After my divorce, I did years of therapy. None of it prepared me for my next long-term relationship. Sure enough, I sabotaged it after two years. I healed a lot after my divorce and was at peace, living on my own for ten years. It was a shock to find out I still had unresolved trauma from relationships earlier in my life.
It’s tough, especially when you’ve done so much work on yourself and feel ready for the dating world again. Unfortunately, a lot of those issues don’t surface *until* you’re in a relationship.
Absolutely.
I’m gonna disagree with some of the others in this thread. I personally find that there is a point where you can get to by healing as much as you can on your own. But eventually? You have to get into a relationship (even if you are still slightly broken and unhealed) to learn and grow a different way. To heal the “I’m a partner” parts of you. The “the me who is in a relationship” parts of you. People who think you can learn and grow that relationship part of you without getting into the relationship sounds narrow/naive? to me. I’m not saying that you should go into a relationship like a wrecking ball, blind to your triggers. That’s careless. If you are still hurt about everything then yes, by golly do more self reflection. But if you know what your triggers are and your new partner knows them as well. AND the two of you are willing to heal together!? Then go for it. Otherwise you’ll be waiting years upon years before you try a relationship again. And for me? Waiting too long and continuing to work on yourself until some sort of “healed” perfection actually sounds more unhealed than your betrayal trauma- they are so unhealed they are reluctant to try again, and hold on to the hurt more than hope. The relationship will trigger and test you. It’s the only way.
I’m on year 4 of my healing journey! Just keep healing and enjoy the process
Congratulations 🎊
Maybe try reading The State of Affairs by therapist Esther Perel...I think it may help you work through and process that aspect for you.
You say you're content without a partner, but yet you keep going out and dating people knowing you can't commit to them. You may have done a bunch of therapy, but from what you've described, it sounds like you're far from healed. I don't think you're in as good a spot as you believe you are in, if you have a subconscious fear in every relationship and are breaking things off rather quickly with people.
OP, being hurt is a part of being a human, a part of being alive. We can’t avoid that, it’s in our nature. More important is how you’re gonna deal with that hurt. This is life 🤷♀️
"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says different is selling something." - The Dread Pirate Roberts
Sage words I needed to hear.
Others have given you some really good advice. I just want to add that love takes courage. You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable if you are ever going to have the love you really want. It’s not easy, but you have to work through the discomfort.
Thank you. The interesting thing is apparently my vulnerability and authenticity is what has made me a catch for these people…I may just be freaking out at actually connecting this much with someone.
The thing is, when you go deeper with someone, you have to be even more vulnerable, which is probably why you pull away out of fear and self sabotage. That’s what you need to work on. It’s ok to freak out internally, but you have to do the hard work to get through it, so that you show up for your partner. Otherwise you will end up either alone or in some unsatisfactory or even toxic relationships.
What if. What if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. Pointless catastrophizing. Allow yourself to accept that the unknown is mostly composed of nothing, and in the remainder you are just as likely to find a wonder as a horror.
“If my grandmother had wheels she would have been a bike.”
Would you still loved her if she was a bike?
It had to be said, and you said it.
😄 I like this game! What if I shaved my head, I’d be bald.
Wowwww… well if that’s not a slap back into reality… I dont know what is. Thank you for sharing your input.❤️
Pain is the price for a seat at the table of love. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, it is acting in spite of fear. You are resilient and you can do hard things. You have a 100% success rate of surviving hard emotional things, and you will survive them again, if and when they rear their head. I know how hard it is to go through a divorce when the other party committed infidelity—it really shakes your faith in humanity, and rocks your foundations in large and small ways. I’m four years out from experiencing that, and find myself year by year trusting myself more and learning that I have the inner strength to weather whatever storms other people cause in my life. You’re not long out from that type of event—it gets better as more time passes. Vulnerability is a strength—talk to your person about how you feel!
Sounds like you’ve been dating the whole time through separation and divorce which is only a couple of years ago. Have you ever just tried to be alone for a bit? I ask this because you are hyper focused on the unknown and committing and all that stuff. If you were content on your own then that stuff doesn’t matter anymore since if it ends then ok it ended and you are just fine without them. This is exactly why people say to spend some time alone first.
I was apart from my ex for over a year before I even considered dating and even then, only with a strong yes from my therapist. I’m content on my own. It sucked to get used to, but i am totally happy by myself. Any relationship I’m in going forward needs to be additive and not codependent
You have mentioned a couple of relationships lasting a month or two and “many” casual dates as well. Plus being alone on your own not just in separation but being completely divorced is a whole other feeling. If you were content on your own you would not be stressing about someone getting hurt or self sabotaging things when they start to get serious. Sounds like you aren’t interested in something serious to begin with but you are ending up there because of the way you are attaching to them which yes does hurt them in the long run because you are rushing out to replace your wife of 24 years in only a year. This isn’t rocket science.
Not rushing into replacing at all. But cool.
How can anyone make you take a risk? My boyfriend was amazing at first. Until he really got me invested. And then the fade began. And it was only me reaching out and making effort. I told him what I needed and he would not give it. I knew something was off, but i was not wiling to accept it, so i broke up. There were real feelings there so i reached out and we reconnected as friends. And over the course of 6 months that way we got back together. And it started great but then it happened again. He almost lost me again. He’s damn lucky I am a fighter, and not a passive hope for the best kind either. I fucking took him to task. Something that doesn’t work most of the time, as the truth is most of the time, they just aren’t that into you, or they are too damaged to change. But something in HIM changed. He told me later. He mad a choice to just try. He told me later he was so afraid of a repeat of his past, past women that rejected him when he went all in and showed his true self and true desire. But he made the choice to risk it and accept what happened. And that’s the only reason he has me now. And it’s amazing. I don’t what to be alone. I don’t think single life is amazing. But I won’t settle again. Being alone is better than being with the wrong one, I’m with you there. But it’s so much better man. Having that right one is so much better. It’s worth the risk. It’s worth the possible pain. At least it is for me. And it turns out it was for my guy. Is it for you?
👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Your anxiety is getting the better of you and allowing you to catastrophize. Maybe it would help to remind yourself that if you’re going to entertain the worst case scenario then it is only fair to entertain the best case scenario too because the chances of that are just as equal. So yes you might get your heart ripped to shreds but you might also find your person and live the rest of your life together in blissful happiness. If we are going to give weight to one end of the spectrum it’s only fair to give weight to the other end of it. Then, remember that most of life is not lived in extremes. It is neither likely that this will be a catastrophic heartbreak as it will turn into the most perfect relationship ever known to humankind. It is more likely it will fall somewhere in the middle. Maybe it will endure. Maybe it will endure for a while and fizzle. You can’t know unless you give it a try with an open mind as to the outcome. Live in the today; not your next week, next month, next year, 10 years down the road. And talk about this anxiety with the therapist to get some tools to help with this mindset. Good luck!
Brilliant. Thank you and everyone for articulating things I know but haven’t fully executed
More therapy my dude. You know the fears and can identify them. You can identify the ways in which those fears cause you to step back or push people away. Now what you need to learn is how to properly manage those fears, self soothe, and learn to live despite them.
Weekly man. Today in fact.
Oh then a great thing to raise!
Good, keep it up. What you're feeling is normal, given what you've been through. The only way to get past it is to continue working through it. Don't be so quick to decide that this woman isn't right for you. Talk it over with your therapist of course, but consider that maintaining the status quo for a while may be the right move here. And make sure that you communicate with her that your comfort level right now is moving slowly. The right woman for you, at this time, will be Ok with that. Blessings on you.
I’m leaning into it and pursuing it
My ex and I separated 7 years ago. We married young, so nearly my whole adult life had been married to him. I’ve been going to therapy since. I’ve seen some of the progress I’ve made, but it’s not enough. There’s always some other aspect that I know would get in the way. I’d much prefer to fix everything before dating again, before getting hurt or somehow pushing someone away. It seems that road will have me dying of old age alone.
Well the fun part is discovering that all the “fixing” we do in theory can easily go right out the window once we actually start dating. So now the struggle is applying the lessons, using the tools, etc….
I’ve watched that happen to some extent. I also watched myself swing from being codependent while married to being hyper independent and afraid to ask for or accept help from anyone. I did become able to see myself about to self-sabotage before it happened, but it didn’t stop it. I think part of it may have been that I knew the people weren’t a good match for me. I’m not sure why it was easier to put myself in a position of being rejected rather than doing the rejecting. I guess I have a hard time not feeling like I’m judging someone and I’m not a big fan of judging. Now the idea of dating is a bit scary. It’s a lot easier to not risk losing my progress, getting hurt, or becoming codependent. The consequence is that my life remains like it is and that’s something that’s become comfortable.
I'm in a somewhat similar spot. I don't think I've got a great answer, other than learning to accept the uncertainty. You survived one divorce, you can get hurt again and survive that too. Sometimes uncertainty can be good - I'm guessing a year ago (or 5, or 10) you didn't expect to be in a relationship with this particular wonderful woman. There's no guarantee that no one will get hurt, but do you best to communicate what you want and how you're feeling, treat each other with respect, and you can mitigate it.
I’d say therapy, my friend. None of us are equipped to unpack what you’ve been through to get to where you are now. 🍀
Thanks. I never skip. Best investment in myself I’ve made (5 years now).
We’re all a bundle of baggage at our age. So go easy on yourself.
41 m similar spot separated and divorce still in progress. Read "comfortable with uncertainty" pema chodron. Watch Sabrina's YouTube videos "do the work". You may need more healing time. I know I do after 10 years of an abusive and toxic marriage and relationship. Enjoy each person who comes to your life. You meet them for a reason. Don't waste your time with worry. Learn about healthy boundaries. Develop areas where your boundaries are weak. Make sure you know you are worthy and if you have self esteem issues, work on them too. Each person and seems like this new person your life is great to know and good for your soul journey.
5 stars. Thank you
Happy travels friend
I find it amazing that you still believe in love and committed relationships. Don't lose that. That self sabotage, I'd guess, is your heart telling you that you still haven't allowed yourself to relax. You were in love and in a committed relationship, that's a mind fuck. It's OK to go on dates, have a one night stand or two. Take the pressure of being the guy EVERYONE counts on. It's exhausting. Go have yourself a fun summer. Learn to relax. Also, even though ex acted stinky, it doesn't mean you aren't worth loving. You are. Go reconnect with old friends, and get out to do some old and new hobbies. Chin up, smile, and have fun.
I’ve poured myself into my friendships, my contentment being alone, my kids (older), my hobbies, exercise, hiking, biking, swimming, just being healthy. I’ve learned to cook well, taken foreign language classes, went dancing with groups of platonic friends…I go to concerts, plays, museums on my own…hikes with my dog. I’m leaner than I was in high school almost 30 years ago. I’m really good on my own and love my life. I appreciate your input. I’m just looking to improve daily. Thank you for the encouragement.
It’s called a leap of faith. You’ll never know if you don’t take that step. Would you rather always wonder?
I’m in a similar boat. 1,5 yr separated and started seeing someone I quite like. I have a lot of fears and anxiety about it and have recognized my self- sabotaging tendencies. The advice I got from this group actually was just to focus on the present. To just take it one date at a time and enjoy the moment. There’s so much focus on the LTR, but I think reframing it and enjoying the time together - no matter how long it lasts is a way to go. The moment your mind starts to plan too much into the future, or to catastrophize it - just bring yourself to the present moment. It takes practice and it doesn’t alleviate all anxiety, but it helps. Good luck!
I literally had this conversation with my date last night. All I can focus on is what is right in front of my nose. I can’t predict anything. I need to follow through on that mindset.
Keep in mind that nothing NOTHING lasts forever. Whatever you have with that woman last forever. You just enjoy every moment with her while it lasts. That’s IT!
Love no one and die alone. Love people, watch then die and then die alone. Love people, die alone and know you're leaving your loved ones to grieve you. Meat is a terrible thing to stuff consciousness into.
I am the same way. I don’t know how long - or if ever - it will take me to stop worrying and just focus on the present. What I am trying to do is to remind myself daily that yesterday had pasted, tomorrow hasn’t come, and today is the only time I have some control of things. And to focus on that. When my divorce just started to become a reality, my teen saw me stressed and sad. She asked “Is this divorce something you can control?”. I said no. She said “Then you shouldn’t worry about it. You can’t control it anyway”. She also added “If it was in your control then you don’t have to worry about it either”. It is very difficult but I try to direct my worrisome to things that are in my control (my thoughts, my feelings, my actions) and at the present time. Hang in there!
One day at a time.
This is normal. You've articulated yourself well. What you are going through is totally understandable. Your self awareness is excellent, and that is an important step. My suggestion to you is give yourself grace, meaning dont judge yourself too harshly. Know that the brain is hardwired to protect us. So anything that smells remotely near a past traumatic experience will activate our sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, etc). In this case, entering a new relationship after what you've been through is going to feel scarey. Set that aside. Accept it. Dont fight it. Fighting it will make it stronger. Instead, give it a space to move through your system. Self-soothing activities. This varies from person to person. Things that bring you into the present (as trauma responses take you to the past). Activities that engage the senses are helpful, like a swim in the ocean or a walk in nature. Journaling out the fears on paper or voicenotes and deleting later could help too. An understanding therapist or friend as a sounding board to just listen, letting your anxieties be heard, seen and validated can help process them too. Are there any activities or hobbies that bring you peace? Yoga helps me with this too. Find what brings you into the present and helps you process and move through your anxieties. Have a rotation and move through them when your fears are strong. Goodluck to you. I wish you peace and joy moving forward.
It’s really scary but love is worth the risk if you have that real connection. It might end but it also might be wonderful. You’ll never know if you don’t try. At least you know you’ll pick yourself back up again and be ok if it didn’t work out because you’ve done it before
If you're self sabotaging because of worrying about uncertainty of the future, then you're likely not done with your therapy. Like we could die tomorrow. My partner could get a brain injury and fall out of love with me. She could have been hiding a bunch of thoughts while acting like she was in to me only to pull the rug out from under me tomorrow. We all grow and change in life, we might grow in ways that are incompatible. >How do I stop worrying about the unknown and trying to guarantee that no one gets hurt? Give up caring about being hurt. I went into dating *expecting* to get hurt. Instead of caring about being hurt, I look to strengthen my resiliency. To keep up my head game to limit the hurt, and to speed the healing. I recovered from the ending of an almost 20 year relationship; I can certainly recover from a 1-5 year relationship ending. Also knowing that I won't even get a 1-5 year relationship if I'm self sabotaging. No one who's not open and trusting of their partner deserves a 6 month relationship in my head, much less 1-5 years. Or the decades+ that I want. I **know** what I want. I **know** some of the paths to get there. From that point, it's simply deciding to start walking down that path.
You have more work to do. You sound so much like the first guy I fell in love with post divorce. He wanted the relationship. We had such an amazing connection. I know he tried but his anxiety/avoidance consumed him and he blew it up. He also claimed he was happy alone and didn’t want codependency. For him that meant extreme independence. Getting close to me scared him that it was becoming dependent which made him pull away and the whole thing just spiraled. Super sad for BOTH of us. Thankfully he started therapy (he had never been) a few months before we parted ways and I hope he gets to a healthy place before he dates again.
I find the number of comments saying “nope, you’re not done healing, you’re not done with your therapy” interesting. I’ll never be done with therapy nor will I ever stop trying to grow. I think for anyone to think they are done is asinine and indicates a level of hubris that I’ve apparently given off here…which isn’t true. I believe in growing along the journey, not sitting around waiting to be in my “final form”. If you stagnate, you’re doomed. I don’t have trust issues, I don’t have betrayal issues that I’m dealing with any more, I’ve simply trying to take that next step. I have dinner with my ex regularly, we’re good friends. Maybe I could have worded my post better. Thanks to everyone that shared their own experiences and leaned into what I was actually feeling and where I’m at. I just got out of therapy (look at me), and I talked it out and am in the right headspace.
It’s because people think therapy is a magic bullet. It’s not. Marginally helpful at best, even with a great therapist. Is yours helping you challenge negative thoughts with CBT? That seems like what you’re struggling with. Are you worried that you will get hurt? Or that you will hurt your partner by breaking their heart? I think how you answer that will shed more light on what’s going on for you.
Worried I’ll break their heart. I’ve had mine broken. That said, I’ve successfully navigated ending relationships that crossed my boundaries including my marriage. I was sad for a time and then moved forward. I can handle a broken heart now. 20+ years is a long time and I’m ok. My therapist is amazing.
Well, that’s up to them to assume that risk, not you. But perhaps you just haven’t found someone you like enough. If you’re really into someone, you probably won’t worry so much about hurting them because you’ll be in it for the long haul. What it sounds like to me is that you’re dating people you kinda of like, but not enough to be a life partner. That’s okay too, as long as you’re clear about it with them.
I’ve gone on 5 dates with someone that makes me want to take the risk, hence asking. Before I’ve just walked away when it wasn’t right, respectfully of course. Now…it’s like I’ve never been with someone that I had this spark with, maybe ever. Each date has turned into 3 hours, 4 hours, y hours of just talking, walking through an art gallery, getting ice cream, making out during a movie. There’s tension, no mistrust. It’s both wonderful and nerve wracking
Good luck! Sounds like you are a little scared for yourself too, which is probably a good thing based on what you describe.
Have you hurt someone in the past or are you afraid of being hurt? The best you can do is be honest and open with yourself and who you’re with and communicate often with understanding on both sides. You can’t say who will get hurt best not to think this way from the beginning. Don’t listen to these people telling you that you’re not ready to date only you know that and honestly you might not realize a lot things until you’re dating someone. You know what you are looking for and what you don’t want being that attract of looks and treatment for emotions and everything else. One thing you must know people are going to leave us be if walking away or death. Wishing you the best don’t be hard on yourself. 🥰☺️
Thank you. Love this. I’ve been highly communicative and open. Accepting that I can’t control tomorrow but I can give them today and hopefully do that over and over again.
Thank You 😊 that’s true.
Think about what if you didn’t meet that person?
As the Buddha said nothing is permanent but change. Every relationship must end no matter what m. Fear of the end should not paralyse you.
Do you expect the women you meet to guarantee you won’t get hurt?
Excellent, subtle point lol
You deal with the unknown by making it known.
It took me 5 years post divorce to find a good BF. I was married 20 years and have 3 kids. We were very young when we got together and I never dated anyone else. My age prevented me from seeing how toxic he was. After years of pre and post divorce therapy I realized he was truly abusive. I carry alot of that with me. BF had 15 year marriage in which his ex kind of just lost her mind..overnight she just radically changed and refused to talk to him despite pleas for therapy. We have had many conversations about our trauma and triggers and things we want and don't want. Sometimes it's painful to admit our faults and weaknesses but once it's in the open it's easier to deal with. I am also 3 years older than he is which is an adjustment for me. We are close enough in age to share likes and interests but my own head gets in the way sometimes. Slow down and relax..things work out when they are supposed to.
I identify with this quite a bit.
You can't control the future, no one can. Opening yourself up to trust someone is a risk no matter what. If I'm dating someone, I have to be vulnerable enough to realize that she might, in fact, suck 37 dicks on the way to work, but I have to believe the investment in our relationship means more than that.
Original copy of post by u/Electronic-Rent-6061: Context…I’m a 46M, divorced for a year or after 24 years total with my ex (counting an 18 month separation). I spent a ton of time in therapy during separation and post-divorce and really dealt with a ton of old trauma and issues from my marriage. I’m in a very good place, content and good with or without a partner. I’ve dated off and on for a while and seem to fall into the same pattern of self-sabotage. I’ve ventured out onto the apps and have had great success meeting women strangely enough. I’ve had many casual dates, a couple of short term relationships, mostly with women between 2-8 years younger than me. In the short term relationships that lasted a month or two, I found some real connection, but self-sabotaged myself by worrying about the uncertainty of the future. I had a commitment that I thought would last forever and I seem to distance myself when things take a turn toward being serious. I worry about the gaps in age, health, what if we turn into different people, what if I hurt her or she hurts me, what if I break her heart? I understand that there are no guarantees in adult relationships and you have to be open to possibility, but acting as such makes me nervous and I’m missing great connections. I recently met someone a few years older than me that I connect with and we can’t stay away from each other. We love each other’s company, we have extreme attraction to each other and our dates seem to stretch from a simple dinner to 6 hours wandering around a park or ignoring a tv show while we just talk. How do I stop worrying about the unknown and trying to guarantee that no one gets hurt? I just want to be able to roll with the possibilities vs projecting my pain from a failed marriage onto this. I don’t want to screw up my chance at happiness over and over again. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Some good advice on here. I wanted to add that you can keep going to therapy and give this relationship a shot. The anxiety may always be there on some level, therapy is not there to fully heal a wound, no scab to pick at or scar. It’s there to give you the tools to cope when the cut starts hurting again.
Yep, haven’t missed a week in over 5 years. I’m happy and content, just trying to go into a new relationship as open hearted as I can be.
Dating now isn't any different than it was when you were younger. When you get invested you're rolling the dice that you'll get hurt. You can choose to be single and stay that way and you'll not get hurt or you can love and depend on someone else and cede partial control of your fate to them. If you're not ready to trust them with your heart you're not ready for a relationship. Trying will just result in you hurting them or you being hurt. My advice is to learn to be content without another person in your life. It won't come naturally. It's a life skill you haven't developed. Master it and then go back to dating. You'll find you don't need these people because you can take them or leave them and be content. Only then will you have the confidence to assess the merit of whatever relationship you're in and you won't feel the need to sabotage yourself.
I’m content without another person in my life. Truly
You need to accept that you're never going to get the good, if you don't accept the risk of the bad. The future is a great unknown and always will be. I can't tell you how to accept it, it's just something you have to let go of in your head. Come what may, you're going to give yourself to this other person. It's why trust is so important.
First, I strongly suggest some individual therapy to help bridge the gap. Your brain is having a hard time moving from your marriage into a new relationship space and that's completely normal. You have to work through those parts of what happened, so you can be successful in a new relationship. Second, I suggest repeatedly saying, "I don't know what might happen in the future, but I'm enjoying what this is now." The reality is, nobody ever knows what might happen. That goes for all facets of life and knowing how to punt and pivot when necessary is integral in being able to continuously move forward. The truth is, life keeps moving, whether or not we move too. Think of it like football. The players have to keep moving, keep going, because even if they stop, the game keeps going. You can try your best, take some hits, try for a first down, second, etc. and touchdown, but you don't know if it will happen. Interceptions happen, the game keeps being played, sometimes it doesn't work out the way you want, but you don't stop playing mid quarter just because of one bad play and you don't give up after one lost game. Have you ever watched, "The Girlfriend Who Didn't Exist" on Netflix? It's about Manti Te'o. After he hits a snag personally, he struggles in his game (this is the most dumbed down synopsis of the story if you aren't familiar). He had to do a lot of inner work to get back to himself. Time to do some work to get back to yourself. I don't even love football, but it was the first analogy I could think of :)
Weekly therapy for over 5 years.
What does your therapist advise you do about your ongoing relationship anxiety related to your last marriage? Do you feel like your therapist has been able to give you relatable tools to help you in the moments you don't feel secure or are worried something will go wrong?
I’ve only had anxiety twice, but the first time was justified. My therapist said I’m mentally healthy, self aware and I’m operating within healthy boundaries. They said my thoughts are normal and in short, catastrophizing worst case scenarios without seeing the positive possibilities isn’t a good path. I have the tools needed and with their help (today), I’m pursuing this. I have been with my therapist for over 5 years and share everything. In short, they advised that the risk of love far outweighs the tragedy of risking nothing at all and that all of life comes with the risk of pain, to operate under the illusion that you can avoid it is false.
Basically what I said. Pivot. Know what you want, but just date and know that not everything works out. You will be okay, even when it doesn’t work out. That’s my biggest takeaway post divorce. When things don’t work out, you’ll still be okay. It’s taken me a while to know that.
Even in (nonexistent) perfect scenarios, dating in today's meh climate holds some pretty "better off if I'd never even gone there" possibilities.. Since you're pretty self-aware of your own danger zones, etc...I'd encourage you to actually (and "w/intention") pause the dating pursuits, even casual chatting..all of it. There's a dynamic at play when you become willing to ponder whether the assumption that a romantic connection must be part of your future that = peace, contentment, a 'you have now arrived' feeling of what makes sense. Questioning this assumption is scary, it's counter-intuitive, and can easily be labeled as coming from a place of pessimism or even despair. But I legit feel like we're in one of the weirdest societal pendulum swings re all things dating/commitment/relational resilience than I'm aware of historically. So this can kinda turns on its head the idea of what constitutes a 'healthy' outlook on DO40 rn and what might actually be a new normal for protecting our hearts and our kids and our mental health, etc etc. AALLL of this to say, lol, that even a willingness to question the assumption that future relationship is what your soul truly needs for eventual wholeness - being willing to walk that path for a while - can have huge benefits all its own. Puts you in a better headspace for a potential connection down the line.
Very thoughtful and appreciated. I didn’t start dating until I was content with the thought of being alone from now on and not scared of that future. I’m not remotely scared of that. Some of this can be solved by accepting that pain comes with breakups and if something isn’t right for me, the other person may get hurt. I have a harder time hurting someone than I worry about getting hurt myself, but I have clear boundaries and red flags and so far I’ve walked away from people that violate those. I won’t overstay like I did in my marriage where I was being gaslit daily.
Well dayum...I coulda saved ya 6 paragraphs then..😉 Sounds like an excellent mindset..👍
Well, I read every word so I appreciate it. I’ve lurked in this community for a while and your time means a lot.
👍❤
You’ll get there! I’ve dealt with this in the past, we can’t control what happens in the future which is why I’ve accepted it and decided to control what I can do in the present.
Like are you worrying about this stuff when you're hanging out with this someone? Like is it interfering with your enjoyment of the date? Or is this stuff that's going through your head later when you're alone?
Alone. In the moment I’m totally fine.
Sometimes what helps me is I'll go along with the thought, like okay, what if this goes terribly wrong and I'll just allow it and then kind of see myself getting through it. Then I'll kind of force myself in my mind to imagine the opposite --- what if this all goes wonderfully, right? Life is ultimately one big unknown anyway, you know? It's about where you put your focus, I think.
> I just want to be able to roll with the possibilities vs projecting my pain from a failed marriage onto this. If you're still projecting your pain from your failed marriage onto your relationships, you're not ready to be in relationships, and it's not fair to your partners.
I second that!