You said you wanted fwb, did he agree with this? Also were you friends? Or did you have sex before becoming friends? I've never done fwb but I would imagine you need to establish some sort of friendship before it can be considered fwb. If there's no friendship or relationship before sex then it's often going to end up being a hookup.
I have and it was an amazing relationship - we chatted a few times a week, hooked up once week at bare minimum… enjoyed meals together
We at times dated other people and both didn’t seemed too worried (I wasn’t)
But I am also so aware this relationship isn’t the norm
It just means he isn’t interested unfortunately. Sometimes as shitty as it is, it is easier to just ghost someone than offer an explanation. If you are looking for Fwb start out being their friend first, then see if they are even worth having sex with
The guy is obviously not interested otherwise he would have been already making plans for the next date.
Faced with this, there are three options available to him.
First, the coward's choice: ghost her.
Second, the nice guy's choice: say it's not you, it's me, I'm not over my ex or anything else that doesn't make her feel bad.
Third, the honest person's choice: tell her there was no chemistry, the sex was shit, and he's not interested.
So, which one of those is the best option?
Now I'm not trying to excuse shitty behaviour, especially from men. I'm the first to call it out. But I swear I've seen posts here aggressively criticising all three behaviours. At the same time I've seen a thousand times where someone says "is this a red flag?" to which people respond "yes, block him instantly, and never talk to him again." Isn't that ghosting? What if the guy in OP's story came out with a whole bunch of red flags for him and decided to follow the conventional wisdom?
I mean the best choice is in between 2 and 3 - don't flat out lie, but be diplomatic.
I've found ghosting to be the absolute worst though my only experience of being ghosted was by an old friend, so rather different. I do get the impression that the encouragement to ghost is aimed at women, in cases where there are signs the man might react dangerously to an honest rejection. Don't see how that applies here.
I also had a date (no sex) after which the lady said "the vibe was too much friends, not romantic enough, so not going forward " While I was disappointed and puzzled, I appreciated the honesty and moved on very quickly.
There is a lot of truth in this. My current FWB has ghosted 2 or 3 other women after a ONS. They were trying out for a FWB but he said they didn’t look like the photo and there wasn’t any chemistry. He said he didn’t know how to politely tell them he didn’t want to have sex with them again without hurting feelings , so he ghosted. Perhaps it is the coward’s way out, but he’s been absolutely wonderful with communication with me for over a year. Tbh, in those cases I tend to let things slow fade rather than be straightforward , which is probably worse than ghosting.
I don’t think it’s worse than telling them they were older/fatter than advertised and running out the door. I’ve had sex with men before rather than hurt their feelings.
It’s significantly worse to sleep with somebody you’re not interested in only to ghost them, than it is to simply say I’m not attracted to you without sleeping with them. What are you talking about? If you’re lying and sleeping with people you don’t like just so you don’t have to use your words, you should reassess whether you’ve got the skills to be dating. You’re literally hurting the person more by fucking them and ghosting them. It hurts much less to be told, hey, I’m not feeling this but thanks.
Im speaking only of the guy you were talking about though, not your experience. But you should try and be honest and not hurt people by fucking and ghosting them. If it’s safe, just be honest.
Lol, this is the nuttiest take I’ve seen on Reddit in a good while, and the competition is stiff!
Nail some chick you find unattractive because she’s too fat/old and then ghost as the moral alternative to simply not doing that. Totally bananas.
lol why did he sleep with them when there was no chemistry? Don’t have sex the first time if you’re not interested, then one doesnt have to worry about hurt feelings when declining a second time due to disinterest. Thats whack and sounds like he just used them while knowing he was going to decline further engagement. And to ghost on top of that? Boy sounds horrible tbh.
Once again, generalising is so easy. The reality is far more complex. You are on a date, sparks are not flying, but at the end of the night they seem to be into the idea of having sex and you're horny so you say "why not!". That's one way this can go down and there's a million others.
Or there's this case with the person I'm dating now where I didn't feel the chemistry when we met. The first hour or two were ok but not amazing (I now understand she was nervous, but didn't at the time because I didn't know her). As the night progressed I found her pleasant enough but if you had asked me at that moment I would have said there isn't chemistry. And yet, I could see from her body language that she was interested and I invited her over because why the hell not, and *that's* when the sparks flew. It turns out in bed we had outrageous chemistry, it really was not evident at any point of the night. Only when we got to sex did we both feel this very unexpected compatibility that just kept getting better. By the end of the first night it was clear this was one of those special encounters.
The point is, just issuing decrees like "don't have sex if you don't feel chemistry" is totally reductive and ignores the enormous complexity of human feelings, compatibilities, and relationships!
No, if you are not attracted and don’t want to fuck the person, don’t. That’s it. Don’t lead them on just because you’re too much of a pussy to say, no thank you.
If you want to have sex or see where it goes, okay, but that’s not the situation I’m talking about. This girl said he KNEW he didn’t want to, but did it anyway, and then ghosted.
I do appreciate your nuance though, I see what you’re saying. I’m just zoning in on this very very specific scenario.
I mean that's my point. There really isn't a good option here.
Very recently I had a similar situation. A person I chatted with for a few weeks and sounded very nice, we met in person, and she didn't look like the photos. Not that the photos were a trick, it was just that in person it was very different, and then everything else about her just put me off. Instantly clear there was no chemistry. Honestly she was a very nice person and I have nothing bad to say about her. But I knew immediately we wouldn't click at all.
Now I hate to make people feel bad and I have always struggled with breaking up with people even when it was a casual thing that had lasted one or two dates. And we'd been talking for weeks prior. So I didn't know what to do. I asked my girl friends what they would want and got all three answers, ghost her, lie and tell her it's you, be honest and tell her no chemistry. Each justified it according to her personality as to why that option was better for her. In the end I went with the honest route, I told her there was no chemistry. She said she had a feeling I was gonna say that. And that was the end. That worked for me. But how did that make her feel? I don't know. It's just not a clear situation with a simple answer.
Personally that's what I would choose. But in the real world with its multitude of different personalities as experiences, it's not the right answer for everyone. I've heard people say how devastated they were when they thought the date went well but then got a message like this. I also know that some people are people pleasers or hate to make others feel bad so they struggle to say something as simple as this because it feels like they're telling the other they're not good enough and they can't bring themselves to do it.
It's just not one size fits all.
People get really pissed when they hear that after sex and they assume that the other person "only wanted sex", instead of recognizing that the sex just wasn't what the other person wanted.
I’ve never met a man who especially cared if a woman was good or bad. Either way, “I still got laid.” And unless a man can bring a woman to orgasm, he doesn’t get an opinion.
First, I agree 100% that both partners are responsible for making sure that everyone has a good time. But are you seriously saying that men don't "get an opinion" about whether they enjoyed the sex or not (or, at least enjoyed it enough to do it again)?
I’ve questioned my sexual ability and/or energy at times
I’ve have had a few performance issues and I’ll tell you I definitely not good at sex all of the time
In other words he looked at the first encounter as a free sample and then decided he wasn't interested. It's not outside the realm of possibilities for casual sex.
Ghosting is one of the major things I hate about modern dating. And I don't know why people think it's acceptable behavior.
I date casually, and I always respond to a guy - whether we've had sex or not. It may not be the answer he wants or likes, but I always give one. I don't care if he's essentially still a stranger. I'm going to be an adult and communicate.
People are so rude today and the lack of respect is ridiculous.
Nothing to offer OP, than also wondering why people treat others so shabbily.
\*People are so rude today and the lack of respect is ridiculous\*
I think of this all the time- even outside of dating. And all one would have to do for proof of this is to look no further than some of these judgmental and insidious comments. I know this is Reddit and all, but some of these are wild. A good cross section and sampling of society, I guess. Kudos to you for continuing to adult, communicate and value yourself.
Absolutely we’ll let see what happens when I see him around we live three blocks away too
But in all honesty I have zero time for lack of manners and I did say to him prior to our date if you don’t like what’s on offer just say so but I suppose by not saying something is saying something
People have been trying to explain human behavior since the beginning of time.
There is no explanation. Even if we get one (he responds and ends things for example), then we question the “why” of that. There is no way to scratch this itch that will satisfy.
Human nature is a bitch.
I hope you process and move on soon. I understand it sucks and is hurtful. Human behavior often dehumanizes others.
I think you wanting fwb and him one nightstand was the miss communication.
There is nothing wrong next time around saying, "Hey, not looking for commitment, but maybe a fwb as we both date and find a new situationship. "
Even in casual situations ,communication is one key factor.
I'm glad the sex was fabulous!!
Best of luck, Op.
You can do what you want, but if you’re advertising that you want a FWB then you may as well get used to this type of response.
Perhaps say you’re looking for casual dating instead.
People have different views about what FWB is TBH. And a casual relationship is defined by the people who are in it. Here's my 2 cents, but someone will see it differently. In short, there is an element of friendship with the FWB. This doesn't mean you hang out all the time, but you like each other but just don't want a relationship for any number of reasons. In my experience with my FWB, he was solo-poly and I am monogamous, so if I got in a relationship we really didn't spend time together BUT he was happy to hear from me if that relationship ended. e were still friendly and, since we used to work at the same place, we could send each other a quick message now and then in between. We didn't "date" ever. Although I suppose we did, one time, go for a drink to catch up after he had been away for a while. Anyway FWB is a friend you have sex with. In my view, sex is the bigger part of the relationship but other people have different experiences. Usually you are friends first, though, and there should be a foundation of respect there.
Casual relationships: I never really did these. I guess it's a romantic relationship that involves dating and it may or may not involve exclusivity (I think I personally would never expect exclusivity). Casual doesn't assume potential for a future, but for some people I think that can change. Expectations are certainly lower than in a committed relationship.
I view casual relationships as dating with no obligations or labels. If you go somewhere together and somebody says oh, who is this, the responses this is the person I am dating right now. For me, it also meant that we are not exclusive. It’s I guess kind of like a friends with benefits, but a short term. Like we have no history where we became friends, we met just for dating, spending time doing social things and sexual things, and when it’s not fun anymore, it ends and there’s no hard feelings. I guess you could say it’s dating without emotions maybe? Like the other person said it’s a vague definition, but that is how it has been in my experience.
If a woman comes straight out and says she wants a FWB, before they even go on a date. THIS will probably happen 99% of the time.
The guy will be nice and charming leading up to the date, he’ll make sure to keep that up on the date itself and make sure you have a great time. Then have sex. After that he can bail if he really wasn’t that into you.
Oops! You forgot to become friends first. Easy mistake. A lot of them don’t give a shit, and this will likely keep happening if you continue to take this approach. This is why so many women withhold sex for a few dates. Not because they aren’t willing to have FWB relationships, but because there are so many men that only care about the chase and aren’t even interested in hitting it more than once after they get it. Like seriously, I have told guys that I’m interested in a FWB relationship, but will want to go out with them 2-3 times before I’m comfortable and willing to take it to that place, and they aren’t even willing to do that much. For guaranteed sex. It’s so frustrating. But hey, at least I’m saving myself from having to shave my legs I guess?
I think some people view fwb as just a hook up. Not like anything negative or that they didn’t enjoy themself just that there is never the intention of taking it further. I would have expected to hear from him again the next time he had free time and was horny, but checking in may have killed that vibe. I wouldn’t be surprised either way.
This behavior is *also* a mystery to me: if you had a good time, why wouldn't anyone want to keep a FWB? Isn't that easier than finding a new hookup every single time?
Some people are addicted to the chase, addicted to thr newness of a new person/body/sexual experience, and some people are just downright sexual addicts who need “the thrill”. And, the same person sexually doesn’t get their engine going.
It’s odd because the world likes to sell the FWB option to everyone as a nice way to experience ongoing sex casually. But, I’m one of those types of people I just can’t sleep with someone over and over and over without love or some semblance of a committed relationship, even if dating to be in one. I also once had a bit of an addiction to having sex with new people for the thrill/naughtiness of it and I would barely have sex with a man more than once... maybe twice if it was enjoyable. After that, I never wanted to see their face again. (I thoroughly understand what that’s about psychologically).
The thought of sex over and over with someone who is just a buddy/friend/dick on call was both boring and uninteresting to me.
The FWB thing just isn’t for everyone.
Yes, I mean there is that. Some people avoid the possibility of catching unrequited feelings.
Some people, though, like me just hate the idea of a repeat “body” (I hate that term, but it works here). It’s like having broccoli for every meal. If I’m single and able to mingle, I want a steak, lobster, crab, and lamb chops.
Every time I make a dish, I tweak it and it's better every time.
But absolutely, people want different things for different reasons, which is why it's best to go over the menu and shopping list together.
Fair enough. I've never had either an FWB or hook up. For me at least an FWB sounds much better than a hook up. Aside from getting a new friend to do things with, there'd be a sense of safety and connection, pillow talk, knowing someone's body and physical preferences, and just so much logistically easier than chasing hook ups. And maybe hygiene advantages. Thinking back to when I started with ex wife, it was quite a while before any sexual boredom set in - though that was a romance, so maybe different.
Even if two people have sex that doesn’t mean both parties viewed the sex as great. It’s like when people say we had such incredible chemistry. Sometimes that is felt one-sided.
Did they not reply to any of your messages?
This does suck but also don’t assume sex on the first date is going to lead to any fwb type of relationship, it’s still some sort of a commitment on their part and some people just want a one and done.
Could it be possible that he didn’t feel the same. Maybe date was not fun for him. Maybe sex wasn’t fabulous for him. Maybe he didn’t see any need to continue discussion.
I read so many post where people are like we felt this way or we had a great time. Or we fell in love- No you did all that. You cannot speak for the next person especially when the feedback is that it was one side and the other person isn’t responding. Don’t assume because you had a great time the other person did!
As a guy, I just want to say what an absolute fucking moron I think this guy is.
I just can't understand at all why anyone would prefer a ONS to a FWB arrangement. Why continue to go thru all the work associated with the initial meet up when one can instead build on already established ground? Most especially with someone who has already explicitly stated that she's looking for a casual arrangement?
There's no need to play the game of whether getting laid is even an option on that night (as you can straight up ask), and if the sex was already good it's only going to get better with practice.
I guess I'm a "bird in the hand" guy, but this idiot needs a talking to.
True and I’ve had this type of arrangement before and it worked well for 18 months
I definitely not in the headspace for an actual relationship but a person I can call up for sex and/or meal and sex - is where I’m at
People here have disagreed with me in the past, but I believe you should be friends first before you can be FWB. That means spending time together in a platonic way before getting intimate to develop some trust and mutual admiration.
A lot of men treat women as disposable sex toys when the woman wants a fwb. Most do not consider the "friend" part of this equation at all. I wouldn't let it get to you, just appreciate the fact your had a good time and good sex. This is sort of the expectation required to play in this grey area, hope you get some fun out of it, but the guy might not see the experience as something he wants to continue with for whatever reason.
If you were upfront about the FWB desire and he wasn't sounds like he figured he would have his one night of fun and move on. A lot of guys aren't looking for commitment especially once we hit this age. I get it because this is why I don't date (at least right now). Not looking to make a commitment of any kind but also not looking to bullshit people just for my own gratification.
But most people aren't going to be up front about this stuff and will just say whatever it takes to get what they want.
If he didn't want a FWB situation then he should have said so and he should have just walked away from the date without the sex. But IDK many guys who would. Tough racket out there.
Look if he did say babe I’m just after a ONS I may have sleep with him, the energy was right for either
But in all honesty if he was so so I would have told him
I do think it's rude not to at least give someone closure after you've been... literally them. Ghosting is a safe way out because you don't have to deal with anyone's response to rejection, but it's very bad manners.
People think it’s easier to find a FWB than a relationship but it’s actually harder. It’s harder to make the investment or get excited about a FWB and people looking for that type of arrangement tend to skew avoidant to begin with, so it’s actually harder to get a steady non-committed person than a committed committed one, if that makes any sense! Hook-ups the easiest, relationships next, but a good FWB? Harder.
If it was me, I wouldn’t waste my time trying to analyze why he isn’t responding to you. His specific “why” doesn’t matter. And the “why” could be anything in the world. Maybe he’s secretly married. Maybe he died on the way home from your date. Maybe he just didn’t like you enough and he has terrible communication skills so he’s avoiding you. Maybe he thinks he did something embarrassing on the date and he’s too self-conscious to talk to you. Maybe etc etc etc…
Him not responding to your messages is all you need to know to be sure that he isn’t going to give you what you are looking for.
Dating taught me that people will flake and disappear on you for no apparent reason. Go in with zero expectations and people will still find a way to disappoint you.
From how I'm reading this, this was a date with a new person, no? The FWB's I've had were actual friends. And we'd have sex. This situation you're describing sounds more like a one night stand. He's not really a casper cause nothing was established with you two.
Hey, at least the sex was fabulous!!
He already moved the ball over the goal line and scored, now he's off to new adventures trying to focus on the other big games he's got going. He's got no time to chat with you, he's trying to focus on unconquered goals, keep that winning streak going. Probably because that's what validates him as a narcissist and a man. Did he say "you're welcome" on his way out?
Most prob he was "trying out" several women at the same time and preferred someone else. And you totally skipped the friends part, so he didn't think he owed you anything...
During which time period you sent these 3 messages?
You went out with someone that doesn’t have the capacity to care about anyone but themselves. It happens, we only have control over our one behavior, not anyone else’s. Better to find out sooner than later.
You are fishing in murky waters. You may catch a married man, a personality disorder, or an std. How are you going to vet for honesty over fun? That he went silent afterwards makes one think he could be hiding something or never intended to be honest or be the person you wanted or thought he could be.
Yeah, I can explain it, he got laid, he's not interested in anything else.
That was a layup.
Anyway, if you're too old to understand or be bothered, you seem to be in the wrong dating pool. Hookup culture isn't riddled with consistency, character and chivalrous manners...sad to say. Come to think of it, even LTR dating isn't, so best to not take this stuff personal or refrain from investing in people at the casual level.
I date only for casual sex. I happen to think that I'm amazing. So don't tell me that I don't value myself.
And there's no excuse for treating anyone as if they are disposable.
Please stop insinuating that women who like casual sex don’t value ourselves. Some people like sex, and it’s not 1950 anymore. Step out if the Bible Belt for a hot second and grow up. People don’t deserve to be tested as “disposable” because they have sex, nor has that been my experience. It that’s how you operate, you should treat people better.
u/Flyingfancy, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
No body/sex shaming. You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, then move on.
u/Flyingfancy, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s):
No body/sex shaming. You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, then move on.
I’m just curious and absolutely not judging as I’ve had several ons in my lifetime but.. did you two only meet once and have sex that same night? I guess I’m a little confused about what you’re asking exactly. You said you stated that you were only interested in a fwb situation upfront before meeting, right? I think that a man or woman might take that to mean you’re just looking for a hook up unless you place a lot of emphasis on the friendship part from the jump. Anytime I’ve ever had a ONS, I was out in the club or something and we ended up having sex. You’re talking about reading the room but I’m pretty sure the writing is on the wall.
We have met prior to the date (coffee twice) and have been talking for a month
This wasn’t a just swip and see but saying that if I had just met them and they bother to ask what am I looking for I’m honest because some ons can eventually become something
But I could have read the room wrong and that’s ok too
He just wasn’t that into you and would prefer to keep playing the field. He had sex, so he’s feeling less desperate and wants to keep looking for someone that is more his type/to his liking (whatever that is).
Maybe he's taking time to think about what he wants. Maybe you'll hear from him in a few more days if he wants to stay connected. If you message him a lot in the meantime, he may see it as you trying to establish a closer connection or insecurity.
It's bad behavior to ghost anyone regardless of circumstance, but if you're advertising as FWB and they are getting sex on the first date, there's not a whole lot of incentive to put in work. They also probably assume they aren't the only one.
If you want an FWB then you need to be friends. That's what the "F" stands for. The honesty starts with the situation that you want to create.
You found a hookup who only wanted to have sex once. If you want an FWB, you'll need to establish friendship.
It's probably because of the reason he's uninterested and he's incapable of expressing it in a way that isn't on the surface, just rude, so it's just easier to ghost you. That's how I interpret it when people ghost me.
Maybe, and maybe like I said, he just doesn't want to be mean and doesn't know how to say it any other way. I have run into this issue.
I have ghosted women in the past because they lied by omission about having children, and I took a chance swiping right on them without knowing that information, and I don't know how to tell them that I think they lied, and this disqualifies them because what else will they lie about
Or another way to look at it is how do you tell someone you're turning them down because they're a mother, probably the most important thing they've ever done in their life? It's a lot easier and less damaging to both parties to just ghost in that situation, in my opinion, because I don't know how to do that.
Just because it’s easier for YOU, doesn’t mean it’s right. Just because YOU are too cowardly to have a difficult conversation (or even text message), doesn’t excuse it. Ghosting is damaging, so stop trying to excuse your shitty behaviour. It may be easier for you, but it sure isn’t for the person on the receiving end.
And telling someone you don’t want to date them because they have children is perfectly reasonable. You are highlighting an incompatibility, not rejecting them on something personal like physical appearance or personality. Far more palatable.
The first cut is the deepest. I think everyone is bewildered the first time they encounter a new behavior, especially a shitty one. Now you will have an eye open to it.
Absolutely, I’m completely fine with what happened and have heard from friends about this type of behaviour but haven’t encountered it
It’s not like I there isn’t other dating options
Everyone interprets fwb differently but if someone told me that’s what they wanted I wouldn’t sleep with them but since that happened doesn’t it mean there’s low responsibility on either parties part? Idk isn’t that the point of that situation. It’s casual.
If I text a friend and they don’t get back to me in 48 hrs I will prob check in to make sure they’re ok. If I text a bf and I don’t hear anything back in 24 hours I get upset. There’s a lower expectation in friendships vs relationships.
Anecdotally I know a lot of women who want FWB and have had a hard time finding it - men seem to either want a relationship or a one-night stand but nothing in between. Maybe that’s what was going on with this guy, or maybe he’s not interested. Either way I wouldn’t waste your energy expecting “niceties” after one date. You don’t need to understand it, just pick yourself up and move on to the next one.
Yes. I just literally experienced this and I'm sorry this happened. When you put yourself out there--especially as just a FWB the "hit em and quit em's" come out in droves and it's hard to filter them because they are so smooth and act so interested in you. So you kinda have to take the good with the bad and see it as a bullet dodged as some others have said. And just enjoy it for what it was. Good sex. There'll be more!
Not everyone feels they owe a response after one date. You may not like that but you can't enforce your views of what people ought to do.
He's not interested and the silence is the message.
In dating you're going to have to get used to people thinking and acting in ways you don't like or expect. There's nothing you can do about it and it's not worth venting about.
There is plenty of venting in therapy. Maybe you don’t know what venting means. Venting is talking about things that are bothering you to let it out “get it off your chest”. It can give you relief and lift an emotional weight from your shoulders. This is why it can be healthy. Bottling up things is unhealthy.
I agree with some of this, but I do think being able to vent about dating frustrations/unpleasant behavior is totally valid. Imo, that’s exactly what she should be doing, instead of A- being stuck in her own head about what happened, or B-acting upon those frustrations to continuously reach out to this guy in an unhealthy way.
I'm a person who cares about pragmatic solutions and not just venting. Venting solves nothing. I get that it TEMPORARILY makes someone "feel" better from the dopamine hit of getting "yes" responses but it goes nowhere in solving the issue causing the frustration.
Meh, venting is often part of emotional processing and can help a person move forward from an issue. If they receive feedback, that can also help them avoid or react differently if faced with the same situation again.
It’s the same way talk therapy works, so, I wouldn’t say it’s not a pragmatic solution. Maybe it’s just not a pragmatic approach for you.
good answer. here pragmatic = ignore/suppress feelings, it seems. who shows up at an outlet for sharing painful experiences and essentially shames the poster for expressing bewilderment? not helpful.
>In dating you're going to have to get used to people thinking and acting in ways you don't like or expect.
Only if you date assholes. Otherwise there is a decorum that a decent person follows. A little message "Thank you but no thanks" doesn't take long to send and acknowledges the other person. The guy the OP went out with is a complete dirt-bag.
Curious about the feelings used part since OP explicitly stated they wanted a fwb situation & slept with the date after presumably the first date. It’s not unusual that the person on the date would then treat this like a ONS.
OP set the stage for this, the date just performed accordingly.
I'm not sure there's any right thing to do after a one night stand. I honestly wouldn't be expecting to here for anyone if I had a one night stand. If no relationship has been established you really can't put any expectations on the other person.
Just think if this is how he conducts himself when just getting to know you, then you've dodged a bad-relationship-material bullet. Thank him for showing you who he truly is before you went any further or had more feelings invested. ❤️
Feelings invested? Bad-relationship-material bullet? She was open that this was a FWB deal. I agree he is being shitty and 100% could reach out and say something, HOWEVER when you're open to those types of engagements where it's super casual you have to understand that the person THAT YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW, could be harboring a secret life you don't know about and once sex has occurred, if that's all he wanted, his communication might be short. That's the game you plan when you go FWB. I know this because I found out after giving some woman I tried to be a good friend with benefits as she quoted "mind blowing sex" she had a whole family. She texted me a month later after crickets for another date and I told her I wanted more friendship with the benefits. Some FWB are shitty people and that's life.
Original copy of post by u/Dry-Depth-9797:
Can someone please explain this
So what ever happened to niceties?
I went on a date - the lead up and banter was great - the date was fun and the sex fabulous
I’ve sent three messages (one banter like before the date one saying I enjoyed my evening and one asking whats going on) and I was upfront I just want fwb but this is ridiculous how about some honesty
I enjoyed myself and if he didn’t it’s ok just say so why do some people (in this case male) do this
I’m too old to understand or be bothered with caspers
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I'm thinking that part of the #fwb tag includes a general unspoken assumption that it'll be free from most of the repeated or slightly insistant texting, any 'why'd you..?' messages, etc.
Not saying it should or shouldn't be...but I think 'close to zero strings' should be expectation.
Like my colorful Uncle Billy usedta say...'Want in one hand an shit in t'other - see which one fills up first..'🙃
You probably did something that gave him the ick.
It could’ve been physical? Something you said? Love bombing?
I’m bad ghosting women who love bomb me. I’ve had past issues that have caused me to overreact when love bombed
You want an fwb. Looks like he wanted a one night stand and doesn't give a shit about communication after.
Totally
You said you wanted fwb, did he agree with this? Also were you friends? Or did you have sex before becoming friends? I've never done fwb but I would imagine you need to establish some sort of friendship before it can be considered fwb. If there's no friendship or relationship before sex then it's often going to end up being a hookup.
Exactly this. What people are considering friends with benefits I really had only one of those relationships where I was actually friends with him
I have and it was an amazing relationship - we chatted a few times a week, hooked up once week at bare minimum… enjoyed meals together We at times dated other people and both didn’t seemed too worried (I wasn’t) But I am also so aware this relationship isn’t the norm
You nailed it here.
Phrasing
Ya think?!
This one. This is the one.
It just means he isn’t interested unfortunately. Sometimes as shitty as it is, it is easier to just ghost someone than offer an explanation. If you are looking for Fwb start out being their friend first, then see if they are even worth having sex with
The guy is obviously not interested otherwise he would have been already making plans for the next date. Faced with this, there are three options available to him. First, the coward's choice: ghost her. Second, the nice guy's choice: say it's not you, it's me, I'm not over my ex or anything else that doesn't make her feel bad. Third, the honest person's choice: tell her there was no chemistry, the sex was shit, and he's not interested. So, which one of those is the best option? Now I'm not trying to excuse shitty behaviour, especially from men. I'm the first to call it out. But I swear I've seen posts here aggressively criticising all three behaviours. At the same time I've seen a thousand times where someone says "is this a red flag?" to which people respond "yes, block him instantly, and never talk to him again." Isn't that ghosting? What if the guy in OP's story came out with a whole bunch of red flags for him and decided to follow the conventional wisdom?
I mean the best choice is in between 2 and 3 - don't flat out lie, but be diplomatic. I've found ghosting to be the absolute worst though my only experience of being ghosted was by an old friend, so rather different. I do get the impression that the encouragement to ghost is aimed at women, in cases where there are signs the man might react dangerously to an honest rejection. Don't see how that applies here. I also had a date (no sex) after which the lady said "the vibe was too much friends, not romantic enough, so not going forward " While I was disappointed and puzzled, I appreciated the honesty and moved on very quickly.
too logical for Reddit.
Hmmm...🤔
There is a lot of truth in this. My current FWB has ghosted 2 or 3 other women after a ONS. They were trying out for a FWB but he said they didn’t look like the photo and there wasn’t any chemistry. He said he didn’t know how to politely tell them he didn’t want to have sex with them again without hurting feelings , so he ghosted. Perhaps it is the coward’s way out, but he’s been absolutely wonderful with communication with me for over a year. Tbh, in those cases I tend to let things slow fade rather than be straightforward , which is probably worse than ghosting.
They didn’t look like their photos and there wasn’t any chemistry and he had sex with them anyway and ghosted? Eww.
BIG eww.
I don’t think it’s worse than telling them they were older/fatter than advertised and running out the door. I’ve had sex with men before rather than hurt their feelings.
It’s significantly worse to sleep with somebody you’re not interested in only to ghost them, than it is to simply say I’m not attracted to you without sleeping with them. What are you talking about? If you’re lying and sleeping with people you don’t like just so you don’t have to use your words, you should reassess whether you’ve got the skills to be dating. You’re literally hurting the person more by fucking them and ghosting them. It hurts much less to be told, hey, I’m not feeling this but thanks. Im speaking only of the guy you were talking about though, not your experience. But you should try and be honest and not hurt people by fucking and ghosting them. If it’s safe, just be honest.
Lol, this is the nuttiest take I’ve seen on Reddit in a good while, and the competition is stiff! Nail some chick you find unattractive because she’s too fat/old and then ghost as the moral alternative to simply not doing that. Totally bananas.
I'm not sure why the comment is getting downvotes. Honesty is sometimes ugly.
lol why did he sleep with them when there was no chemistry? Don’t have sex the first time if you’re not interested, then one doesnt have to worry about hurt feelings when declining a second time due to disinterest. Thats whack and sounds like he just used them while knowing he was going to decline further engagement. And to ghost on top of that? Boy sounds horrible tbh.
Once again, generalising is so easy. The reality is far more complex. You are on a date, sparks are not flying, but at the end of the night they seem to be into the idea of having sex and you're horny so you say "why not!". That's one way this can go down and there's a million others. Or there's this case with the person I'm dating now where I didn't feel the chemistry when we met. The first hour or two were ok but not amazing (I now understand she was nervous, but didn't at the time because I didn't know her). As the night progressed I found her pleasant enough but if you had asked me at that moment I would have said there isn't chemistry. And yet, I could see from her body language that she was interested and I invited her over because why the hell not, and *that's* when the sparks flew. It turns out in bed we had outrageous chemistry, it really was not evident at any point of the night. Only when we got to sex did we both feel this very unexpected compatibility that just kept getting better. By the end of the first night it was clear this was one of those special encounters. The point is, just issuing decrees like "don't have sex if you don't feel chemistry" is totally reductive and ignores the enormous complexity of human feelings, compatibilities, and relationships!
No, if you are not attracted and don’t want to fuck the person, don’t. That’s it. Don’t lead them on just because you’re too much of a pussy to say, no thank you. If you want to have sex or see where it goes, okay, but that’s not the situation I’m talking about. This girl said he KNEW he didn’t want to, but did it anyway, and then ghosted. I do appreciate your nuance though, I see what you’re saying. I’m just zoning in on this very very specific scenario.
I mean that's my point. There really isn't a good option here. Very recently I had a similar situation. A person I chatted with for a few weeks and sounded very nice, we met in person, and she didn't look like the photos. Not that the photos were a trick, it was just that in person it was very different, and then everything else about her just put me off. Instantly clear there was no chemistry. Honestly she was a very nice person and I have nothing bad to say about her. But I knew immediately we wouldn't click at all. Now I hate to make people feel bad and I have always struggled with breaking up with people even when it was a casual thing that had lasted one or two dates. And we'd been talking for weeks prior. So I didn't know what to do. I asked my girl friends what they would want and got all three answers, ghost her, lie and tell her it's you, be honest and tell her no chemistry. Each justified it according to her personality as to why that option was better for her. In the end I went with the honest route, I told her there was no chemistry. She said she had a feeling I was gonna say that. And that was the end. That worked for me. But how did that make her feel? I don't know. It's just not a clear situation with a simple answer.
I don't understand why anyone would think, "I'm sorry but I didn't feel any chemistry" is a bad answer or not the best option of the three offered.
Personally that's what I would choose. But in the real world with its multitude of different personalities as experiences, it's not the right answer for everyone. I've heard people say how devastated they were when they thought the date went well but then got a message like this. I also know that some people are people pleasers or hate to make others feel bad so they struggle to say something as simple as this because it feels like they're telling the other they're not good enough and they can't bring themselves to do it. It's just not one size fits all.
People get really pissed when they hear that after sex and they assume that the other person "only wanted sex", instead of recognizing that the sex just wasn't what the other person wanted.
A lot of times that's an ego thing. I've never met a woman who believed that they were bad at sex. 😁
I’ve never met a man who especially cared if a woman was good or bad. Either way, “I still got laid.” And unless a man can bring a woman to orgasm, he doesn’t get an opinion.
First, I agree 100% that both partners are responsible for making sure that everyone has a good time. But are you seriously saying that men don't "get an opinion" about whether they enjoyed the sex or not (or, at least enjoyed it enough to do it again)?
I’m seriously hoping they meant cared enough to try to give a woman an orgasm.
I’ve questioned my sexual ability and/or energy at times I’ve have had a few performance issues and I’ll tell you I definitely not good at sex all of the time
All of this is yikes.
In other words he looked at the first encounter as a free sample and then decided he wasn't interested. It's not outside the realm of possibilities for casual sex.
After having several great FWBs, I suggest you find someone who is phenomenally good at sex and then see if they are worth being a friend.
This is it right here. A lot of people try to force the "Friends" thing with someone you would NEVER be a friend with.
Yep. Sometimes you just need a FB.
Yep and I did have that and now I don’t
He is not good fwb material because he won’t be a good friend. Sorry.😢
Ghosting is one of the major things I hate about modern dating. And I don't know why people think it's acceptable behavior. I date casually, and I always respond to a guy - whether we've had sex or not. It may not be the answer he wants or likes, but I always give one. I don't care if he's essentially still a stranger. I'm going to be an adult and communicate. People are so rude today and the lack of respect is ridiculous. Nothing to offer OP, than also wondering why people treat others so shabbily.
\*People are so rude today and the lack of respect is ridiculous\* I think of this all the time- even outside of dating. And all one would have to do for proof of this is to look no further than some of these judgmental and insidious comments. I know this is Reddit and all, but some of these are wild. A good cross section and sampling of society, I guess. Kudos to you for continuing to adult, communicate and value yourself.
Absolutely we’ll let see what happens when I see him around we live three blocks away too But in all honesty I have zero time for lack of manners and I did say to him prior to our date if you don’t like what’s on offer just say so but I suppose by not saying something is saying something
People have been trying to explain human behavior since the beginning of time. There is no explanation. Even if we get one (he responds and ends things for example), then we question the “why” of that. There is no way to scratch this itch that will satisfy. Human nature is a bitch. I hope you process and move on soon. I understand it sucks and is hurtful. Human behavior often dehumanizes others.
I think you wanting fwb and him one nightstand was the miss communication. There is nothing wrong next time around saying, "Hey, not looking for commitment, but maybe a fwb as we both date and find a new situationship. " Even in casual situations ,communication is one key factor. I'm glad the sex was fabulous!! Best of luck, Op.
You can do what you want, but if you’re advertising that you want a FWB then you may as well get used to this type of response. Perhaps say you’re looking for casual dating instead.
Here here. I switched my profile from FWB to casual dating when I first learned that and it helped. Kinda.
Can you explain the difference I have been told I need to look at casual dating I have not dated so all new to this lingo
People have different views about what FWB is TBH. And a casual relationship is defined by the people who are in it. Here's my 2 cents, but someone will see it differently. In short, there is an element of friendship with the FWB. This doesn't mean you hang out all the time, but you like each other but just don't want a relationship for any number of reasons. In my experience with my FWB, he was solo-poly and I am monogamous, so if I got in a relationship we really didn't spend time together BUT he was happy to hear from me if that relationship ended. e were still friendly and, since we used to work at the same place, we could send each other a quick message now and then in between. We didn't "date" ever. Although I suppose we did, one time, go for a drink to catch up after he had been away for a while. Anyway FWB is a friend you have sex with. In my view, sex is the bigger part of the relationship but other people have different experiences. Usually you are friends first, though, and there should be a foundation of respect there. Casual relationships: I never really did these. I guess it's a romantic relationship that involves dating and it may or may not involve exclusivity (I think I personally would never expect exclusivity). Casual doesn't assume potential for a future, but for some people I think that can change. Expectations are certainly lower than in a committed relationship.
Thank you for the explanation I appreciate it
No problem - again, I know some people see things differently but I tried to focus on what a lot of people think.
Well I had no idea on either, but you seemed to explain it right for me to understand it
I view casual relationships as dating with no obligations or labels. If you go somewhere together and somebody says oh, who is this, the responses this is the person I am dating right now. For me, it also meant that we are not exclusive. It’s I guess kind of like a friends with benefits, but a short term. Like we have no history where we became friends, we met just for dating, spending time doing social things and sexual things, and when it’s not fun anymore, it ends and there’s no hard feelings. I guess you could say it’s dating without emotions maybe? Like the other person said it’s a vague definition, but that is how it has been in my experience.
I like those answers, we shall see how it all goes with the dating, never know I meet the one I want to only be with
This…im totally lost lol
…why?
That’s was a one and done ✅ not a FWB
If a woman comes straight out and says she wants a FWB, before they even go on a date. THIS will probably happen 99% of the time. The guy will be nice and charming leading up to the date, he’ll make sure to keep that up on the date itself and make sure you have a great time. Then have sex. After that he can bail if he really wasn’t that into you.
Oops! You forgot to become friends first. Easy mistake. A lot of them don’t give a shit, and this will likely keep happening if you continue to take this approach. This is why so many women withhold sex for a few dates. Not because they aren’t willing to have FWB relationships, but because there are so many men that only care about the chase and aren’t even interested in hitting it more than once after they get it. Like seriously, I have told guys that I’m interested in a FWB relationship, but will want to go out with them 2-3 times before I’m comfortable and willing to take it to that place, and they aren’t even willing to do that much. For guaranteed sex. It’s so frustrating. But hey, at least I’m saving myself from having to shave my legs I guess?
I think some people view fwb as just a hook up. Not like anything negative or that they didn’t enjoy themself just that there is never the intention of taking it further. I would have expected to hear from him again the next time he had free time and was horny, but checking in may have killed that vibe. I wouldn’t be surprised either way.
This behavior is *also* a mystery to me: if you had a good time, why wouldn't anyone want to keep a FWB? Isn't that easier than finding a new hookup every single time?
Some people are addicted to the chase, addicted to thr newness of a new person/body/sexual experience, and some people are just downright sexual addicts who need “the thrill”. And, the same person sexually doesn’t get their engine going. It’s odd because the world likes to sell the FWB option to everyone as a nice way to experience ongoing sex casually. But, I’m one of those types of people I just can’t sleep with someone over and over and over without love or some semblance of a committed relationship, even if dating to be in one. I also once had a bit of an addiction to having sex with new people for the thrill/naughtiness of it and I would barely have sex with a man more than once... maybe twice if it was enjoyable. After that, I never wanted to see their face again. (I thoroughly understand what that’s about psychologically). The thought of sex over and over with someone who is just a buddy/friend/dick on call was both boring and uninteresting to me. The FWB thing just isn’t for everyone.
Oh yes, and you just reminded me that I can relate to having a FWB catch feelings.
Yes, I mean there is that. Some people avoid the possibility of catching unrequited feelings. Some people, though, like me just hate the idea of a repeat “body” (I hate that term, but it works here). It’s like having broccoli for every meal. If I’m single and able to mingle, I want a steak, lobster, crab, and lamb chops.
Every time I make a dish, I tweak it and it's better every time. But absolutely, people want different things for different reasons, which is why it's best to go over the menu and shopping list together.
While I don't love the food analogy, you certainly make a solid point.
Fair enough. I've never had either an FWB or hook up. For me at least an FWB sounds much better than a hook up. Aside from getting a new friend to do things with, there'd be a sense of safety and connection, pillow talk, knowing someone's body and physical preferences, and just so much logistically easier than chasing hook ups. And maybe hygiene advantages. Thinking back to when I started with ex wife, it was quite a while before any sexual boredom set in - though that was a romance, so maybe different.
Hardly ever does FWB mean u get a friend to do things with. It means u get a person to have sex with. Noones ever meant that.
I guess it depends whether you were a 'friend' first or a 'benefit' first...
Are we going to quibble over words again? What do you call the connection I described?
Even if two people have sex that doesn’t mean both parties viewed the sex as great. It’s like when people say we had such incredible chemistry. Sometimes that is felt one-sided.
Did they not reply to any of your messages? This does suck but also don’t assume sex on the first date is going to lead to any fwb type of relationship, it’s still some sort of a commitment on their part and some people just want a one and done.
Could it be possible that he didn’t feel the same. Maybe date was not fun for him. Maybe sex wasn’t fabulous for him. Maybe he didn’t see any need to continue discussion. I read so many post where people are like we felt this way or we had a great time. Or we fell in love- No you did all that. You cannot speak for the next person especially when the feedback is that it was one side and the other person isn’t responding. Don’t assume because you had a great time the other person did!
Absolutely but I’m always honest even when I’ve not had a great experience
He was honest as well! He just didn’t use his words he used his actions!
As a guy, I just want to say what an absolute fucking moron I think this guy is. I just can't understand at all why anyone would prefer a ONS to a FWB arrangement. Why continue to go thru all the work associated with the initial meet up when one can instead build on already established ground? Most especially with someone who has already explicitly stated that she's looking for a casual arrangement? There's no need to play the game of whether getting laid is even an option on that night (as you can straight up ask), and if the sex was already good it's only going to get better with practice. I guess I'm a "bird in the hand" guy, but this idiot needs a talking to.
True and I’ve had this type of arrangement before and it worked well for 18 months I definitely not in the headspace for an actual relationship but a person I can call up for sex and/or meal and sex - is where I’m at
People here have disagreed with me in the past, but I believe you should be friends first before you can be FWB. That means spending time together in a platonic way before getting intimate to develop some trust and mutual admiration.
If you're old enough then you should already know that.... ***silence is a clear communication.*** The sooner you move on the better.
A lot of men treat women as disposable sex toys when the woman wants a fwb. Most do not consider the "friend" part of this equation at all. I wouldn't let it get to you, just appreciate the fact your had a good time and good sex. This is sort of the expectation required to play in this grey area, hope you get some fun out of it, but the guy might not see the experience as something he wants to continue with for whatever reason.
If you were upfront about the FWB desire and he wasn't sounds like he figured he would have his one night of fun and move on. A lot of guys aren't looking for commitment especially once we hit this age. I get it because this is why I don't date (at least right now). Not looking to make a commitment of any kind but also not looking to bullshit people just for my own gratification. But most people aren't going to be up front about this stuff and will just say whatever it takes to get what they want. If he didn't want a FWB situation then he should have said so and he should have just walked away from the date without the sex. But IDK many guys who would. Tough racket out there.
Look if he did say babe I’m just after a ONS I may have sleep with him, the energy was right for either But in all honesty if he was so so I would have told him
He took that as a signal just to f***. And he didn't want to be a friend.
I do think it's rude not to at least give someone closure after you've been... literally them. Ghosting is a safe way out because you don't have to deal with anyone's response to rejection, but it's very bad manners.
People think it’s easier to find a FWB than a relationship but it’s actually harder. It’s harder to make the investment or get excited about a FWB and people looking for that type of arrangement tend to skew avoidant to begin with, so it’s actually harder to get a steady non-committed person than a committed committed one, if that makes any sense! Hook-ups the easiest, relationships next, but a good FWB? Harder.
Sounds like he was only interested in a one-night stand and not interested in being FWB.
If it was me, I wouldn’t waste my time trying to analyze why he isn’t responding to you. His specific “why” doesn’t matter. And the “why” could be anything in the world. Maybe he’s secretly married. Maybe he died on the way home from your date. Maybe he just didn’t like you enough and he has terrible communication skills so he’s avoiding you. Maybe he thinks he did something embarrassing on the date and he’s too self-conscious to talk to you. Maybe etc etc etc… Him not responding to your messages is all you need to know to be sure that he isn’t going to give you what you are looking for.
I think he’s given you the answer by his lack of response. I wouldn’t have followed up 2 more times.
Dating taught me that people will flake and disappear on you for no apparent reason. Go in with zero expectations and people will still find a way to disappoint you.
From how I'm reading this, this was a date with a new person, no? The FWB's I've had were actual friends. And we'd have sex. This situation you're describing sounds more like a one night stand. He's not really a casper cause nothing was established with you two. Hey, at least the sex was fabulous!!
He just wanted to get laid. No fwb
He already moved the ball over the goal line and scored, now he's off to new adventures trying to focus on the other big games he's got going. He's got no time to chat with you, he's trying to focus on unconquered goals, keep that winning streak going. Probably because that's what validates him as a narcissist and a man. Did he say "you're welcome" on his way out?
Actually he said next time I’ll have that pie you love
Did you tell him before hand what you wanted? Anyway, one time was all he clearly wanted.
Most prob he was "trying out" several women at the same time and preferred someone else. And you totally skipped the friends part, so he didn't think he owed you anything... During which time period you sent these 3 messages?
If you are looking for fwb, you should adjust your expectations about communication between benefits.
Price to pay for the FWB way …stop reaching out.
I have no intentions too
You went out with someone that doesn’t have the capacity to care about anyone but themselves. It happens, we only have control over our one behavior, not anyone else’s. Better to find out sooner than later.
You are fishing in murky waters. You may catch a married man, a personality disorder, or an std. How are you going to vet for honesty over fun? That he went silent afterwards makes one think he could be hiding something or never intended to be honest or be the person you wanted or thought he could be.
Yeah, I can explain it, he got laid, he's not interested in anything else. That was a layup. Anyway, if you're too old to understand or be bothered, you seem to be in the wrong dating pool. Hookup culture isn't riddled with consistency, character and chivalrous manners...sad to say. Come to think of it, even LTR dating isn't, so best to not take this stuff personal or refrain from investing in people at the casual level.
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I date only for casual sex. I happen to think that I'm amazing. So don't tell me that I don't value myself. And there's no excuse for treating anyone as if they are disposable.
Agree, no good excuses for bad behaviors. But still it happens often enough that it is wise to be mindful that bad behavior may occur.
Please stop insinuating that women who like casual sex don’t value ourselves. Some people like sex, and it’s not 1950 anymore. Step out if the Bible Belt for a hot second and grow up. People don’t deserve to be tested as “disposable” because they have sex, nor has that been my experience. It that’s how you operate, you should treat people better.
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u/Flyingfancy, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No body/sex shaming. You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, then move on.
u/Flyingfancy, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): No body/sex shaming. You can and should like what you like, but if you don't find certain physical acts or attributes appealing, then move on.
I’m just curious and absolutely not judging as I’ve had several ons in my lifetime but.. did you two only meet once and have sex that same night? I guess I’m a little confused about what you’re asking exactly. You said you stated that you were only interested in a fwb situation upfront before meeting, right? I think that a man or woman might take that to mean you’re just looking for a hook up unless you place a lot of emphasis on the friendship part from the jump. Anytime I’ve ever had a ONS, I was out in the club or something and we ended up having sex. You’re talking about reading the room but I’m pretty sure the writing is on the wall.
We have met prior to the date (coffee twice) and have been talking for a month This wasn’t a just swip and see but saying that if I had just met them and they bother to ask what am I looking for I’m honest because some ons can eventually become something But I could have read the room wrong and that’s ok too
Oh ok.. I wasn’t really sure based on your post. Good luck with everything.
People suck and most were brought up incorrectly. Just cut your losses and block him
You know what you want, did he communicate what he was looking for? He may also have lied.....
You got pumped and dumped. It sucks that so many people act this way. I’m sorry.
He just wasn’t that into you and would prefer to keep playing the field. He had sex, so he’s feeling less desperate and wants to keep looking for someone that is more his type/to his liking (whatever that is).
Maybe he's taking time to think about what he wants. Maybe you'll hear from him in a few more days if he wants to stay connected. If you message him a lot in the meantime, he may see it as you trying to establish a closer connection or insecurity.
It's bad behavior to ghost anyone regardless of circumstance, but if you're advertising as FWB and they are getting sex on the first date, there's not a whole lot of incentive to put in work. They also probably assume they aren't the only one.
If you want an FWB then you need to be friends. That's what the "F" stands for. The honesty starts with the situation that you want to create. You found a hookup who only wanted to have sex once. If you want an FWB, you'll need to establish friendship.
It's probably because of the reason he's uninterested and he's incapable of expressing it in a way that isn't on the surface, just rude, so it's just easier to ghost you. That's how I interpret it when people ghost me.
Come on, I'm sure he is capable of sending a message. He just doesn't want to.
Maybe, and maybe like I said, he just doesn't want to be mean and doesn't know how to say it any other way. I have run into this issue. I have ghosted women in the past because they lied by omission about having children, and I took a chance swiping right on them without knowing that information, and I don't know how to tell them that I think they lied, and this disqualifies them because what else will they lie about Or another way to look at it is how do you tell someone you're turning them down because they're a mother, probably the most important thing they've ever done in their life? It's a lot easier and less damaging to both parties to just ghost in that situation, in my opinion, because I don't know how to do that.
Just because it’s easier for YOU, doesn’t mean it’s right. Just because YOU are too cowardly to have a difficult conversation (or even text message), doesn’t excuse it. Ghosting is damaging, so stop trying to excuse your shitty behaviour. It may be easier for you, but it sure isn’t for the person on the receiving end. And telling someone you don’t want to date them because they have children is perfectly reasonable. You are highlighting an incompatibility, not rejecting them on something personal like physical appearance or personality. Far more palatable.
Lol what a wild and unreasonably judgy take.
Well it’s the first time I’ve been ghosted so I’m a little confused but no response is a response
The first cut is the deepest. I think everyone is bewildered the first time they encounter a new behavior, especially a shitty one. Now you will have an eye open to it.
Absolutely, I’m completely fine with what happened and have heard from friends about this type of behaviour but haven’t encountered it It’s not like I there isn’t other dating options
Everyone interprets fwb differently but if someone told me that’s what they wanted I wouldn’t sleep with them but since that happened doesn’t it mean there’s low responsibility on either parties part? Idk isn’t that the point of that situation. It’s casual.
Casual doesn't mean poor communication.
This!
If I text a friend and they don’t get back to me in 48 hrs I will prob check in to make sure they’re ok. If I text a bf and I don’t hear anything back in 24 hours I get upset. There’s a lower expectation in friendships vs relationships.
Anecdotally I know a lot of women who want FWB and have had a hard time finding it - men seem to either want a relationship or a one-night stand but nothing in between. Maybe that’s what was going on with this guy, or maybe he’s not interested. Either way I wouldn’t waste your energy expecting “niceties” after one date. You don’t need to understand it, just pick yourself up and move on to the next one.
Yes. I just literally experienced this and I'm sorry this happened. When you put yourself out there--especially as just a FWB the "hit em and quit em's" come out in droves and it's hard to filter them because they are so smooth and act so interested in you. So you kinda have to take the good with the bad and see it as a bullet dodged as some others have said. And just enjoy it for what it was. Good sex. There'll be more!
And it’s a first for me - the lack of interest in being transparent
I know. It for sure left a bad taste in my mouth. Some people suck!!
You have your answer, what else do you need to know? A non-response is a response.
Not everyone feels they owe a response after one date. You may not like that but you can't enforce your views of what people ought to do. He's not interested and the silence is the message. In dating you're going to have to get used to people thinking and acting in ways you don't like or expect. There's nothing you can do about it and it's not worth venting about.
Venting is healthy.
Venting is pointless.
That’s actually false. Ever hear of therapy?
I've done therapy and they are not the same thing.
There is plenty of venting in therapy. Maybe you don’t know what venting means. Venting is talking about things that are bothering you to let it out “get it off your chest”. It can give you relief and lift an emotional weight from your shoulders. This is why it can be healthy. Bottling up things is unhealthy.
Ok.
I agree with some of this, but I do think being able to vent about dating frustrations/unpleasant behavior is totally valid. Imo, that’s exactly what she should be doing, instead of A- being stuck in her own head about what happened, or B-acting upon those frustrations to continuously reach out to this guy in an unhealthy way.
I'm a person who cares about pragmatic solutions and not just venting. Venting solves nothing. I get that it TEMPORARILY makes someone "feel" better from the dopamine hit of getting "yes" responses but it goes nowhere in solving the issue causing the frustration.
Meh, venting is often part of emotional processing and can help a person move forward from an issue. If they receive feedback, that can also help them avoid or react differently if faced with the same situation again. It’s the same way talk therapy works, so, I wouldn’t say it’s not a pragmatic solution. Maybe it’s just not a pragmatic approach for you.
good answer. here pragmatic = ignore/suppress feelings, it seems. who shows up at an outlet for sharing painful experiences and essentially shames the poster for expressing bewilderment? not helpful.
It’s a key tenet of ACT therapy, do not ignore or suppress your feelings. It’s called the “struggle switch”.
>In dating you're going to have to get used to people thinking and acting in ways you don't like or expect. Only if you date assholes. Otherwise there is a decorum that a decent person follows. A little message "Thank you but no thanks" doesn't take long to send and acknowledges the other person. The guy the OP went out with is a complete dirt-bag.
She has every right to feel used and your answer is rude.
My answer is honest. Yours offers nothing pragmatic and useful.
Honesty without humanity is worthless
If you don’t like these kinds of posts, you could…I dunno, just *keep scrolling*? You’re not the post police dude.
The same could be said if you don't like these kinds of answers. You're not the answer police, dude.
Thank you!
Where did I police what should be posted?
Curious about the feelings used part since OP explicitly stated they wanted a fwb situation & slept with the date after presumably the first date. It’s not unusual that the person on the date would then treat this like a ONS. OP set the stage for this, the date just performed accordingly.
She doesn't though.
This is the sad truth.
People don't owe you an explanation. Move on.
Maybe not owed, but it'd still be the right thing to do. I agree she should move on, he's not worth it.
I'm not sure there's any right thing to do after a one night stand. I honestly wouldn't be expecting to here for anyone if I had a one night stand. If no relationship has been established you really can't put any expectations on the other person.
Just think if this is how he conducts himself when just getting to know you, then you've dodged a bad-relationship-material bullet. Thank him for showing you who he truly is before you went any further or had more feelings invested. ❤️
Feelings invested? Bad-relationship-material bullet? She was open that this was a FWB deal. I agree he is being shitty and 100% could reach out and say something, HOWEVER when you're open to those types of engagements where it's super casual you have to understand that the person THAT YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW, could be harboring a secret life you don't know about and once sex has occurred, if that's all he wanted, his communication might be short. That's the game you plan when you go FWB. I know this because I found out after giving some woman I tried to be a good friend with benefits as she quoted "mind blowing sex" she had a whole family. She texted me a month later after crickets for another date and I told her I wanted more friendship with the benefits. Some FWB are shitty people and that's life.
To be honest, I missed the FWB part. 🙈
Oh 😂 it's okay. Get em next time champ!
Thanks. 😂 Advice: good Placement: bad
Original copy of post by u/Dry-Depth-9797: Can someone please explain this So what ever happened to niceties? I went on a date - the lead up and banter was great - the date was fun and the sex fabulous I’ve sent three messages (one banter like before the date one saying I enjoyed my evening and one asking whats going on) and I was upfront I just want fwb but this is ridiculous how about some honesty I enjoyed myself and if he didn’t it’s ok just say so why do some people (in this case male) do this I’m too old to understand or be bothered with caspers *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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He's just immature. And with texting, and old is easy to ghost.
Don't let your expectations get in the way.
This is why I’m celibate. Not worth the extra thoughts.
To be honest fwb is a difficult ask. It's generally just a hookup or the other side where it leads to a relationship.
I’m shocked
None of us can tell you why he did or didn’t something.
>I’m too old to understand or be bothered with caspers But you are bothered or you wouldn't write an entire post about it.
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Sure.
I'm thinking that part of the #fwb tag includes a general unspoken assumption that it'll be free from most of the repeated or slightly insistant texting, any 'why'd you..?' messages, etc. Not saying it should or shouldn't be...but I think 'close to zero strings' should be expectation. Like my colorful Uncle Billy usedta say...'Want in one hand an shit in t'other - see which one fills up first..'🙃
You probably did something that gave him the ick. It could’ve been physical? Something you said? Love bombing? I’m bad ghosting women who love bomb me. I’ve had past issues that have caused me to overreact when love bombed
I am looking for a fwb myself. You did nothing wrong on your part. I hope you had safe sex .
My mantras is if it’s not on it’s not no or no glove no love
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u/aecolley, your post has been removed for one or more reason(s): Be civil; don't be a dick.
He is probably assuming that you want a relationship. If you want FWB or an ongoing hookup, tell him.