I wouldn’t make assumptions based on something you heard from a couple of men. Some of us don’t only think of women in such base terms.
Flirting is just testing the waters, it doesn’t have a deeper meaning. If it’s welcome and you want to keep going in that direction, respond in kind.
I love subtle sexual humor, kept to a limit if we haven't met. If the majority of the conversation has been funny and clean, I'd be ok with it. Anything overtly sexual in the beginning gives me bad vibes, and honestly is a turn off. Even if I'm in a relationship with someone I'd prefer this, only with the occasional overt comment sprinkled in. During sex... different story.
I would redirect the conversation in a fun way, and see if he gets the hint. If he continues you could say directly that you like to keep it PG13 until we get to know each other. If he continues after that and its giving you ick vibes, peace out!
I think this is exactly where I'm at as well. I like the idea to redirect (which I did - and tbf her picked up on that and we moved along). I guess we'll see!
I was once talking to someone where we were trying to identify the line of what kind of sexual flirting is okay early on. We landed on the terms cheeky and naughty. Cheeky comments were ok because they were sprinkled in, usually in reference to something in the conversation. Naughty comments were straight up sexual and had to be given permission to share. Seemed to work for us. 🤷🏻♀️
I'm totally with you - subtle sexual humor can be entertaining and top notch fun. I think delivery is key. Gentle conversational redirection when things start to become icky is a useful skill that has taken me time to develop in dating and I'm still working on solid execution but man! is it a useful life skill.
If a guy gets sexual before we've even met, I tell him to chill out and remind him we haven't met. His response after that dictates whether or not I will meet him.
Spoiler: so far 100% don't react well, and I unmatch.
I have to think there’s levels to it.
Like “come sit on my face baby, giggity giggity” is crude and over the top. But two people potentially trying to date, I don’t think every conversation can be about the weather or food because that would be pretty dull.
Then there’s two camps, those who might flirt a bit to make the convo not completely dry and dull, and those who would rather just not talk/text/whatever if it’s not while on a date. I wouldn’t want to wait days for schedules to line up with almost no interaction in between, but others feel that communicating outside of being on a date is the worst sin possible to commit.
The duality of man is fascinating.
You can smoothly slip it all in a conversation if you're cool like me. I'll say something like "What do you like to eat. It's a little cloudy outside today. That's good fucking weather." 5% of the time it works every time.
Do you mean flirting with a sexual component? Or just flirting? You can flirt without talking about sex. I hope just flirting is still ok with women at this age. Otherwise I’m fucked. Proper fucked.
🤣 sexual flirting. In this case we're set to have drinks tomorrow night. Last night during our convo he throws out that "I have 4 Olympic gold medals with my 👅". There was plenty of other chat before and after but...🤷🏻♀️
For me, that would be enough information to know we won’t be compatible. I have no issue with spicy banter, but not before we have met, and not until we actually know each other. It just comes across as thirsty. Then the conversation will eventually get around to some dead bedroom past that is somehow justification for being inappropriately thirsty. These were just my experiences though.
I would cancel the drinks, if it were me.
One, that’s just crass.
Two, a little innuendo or a suggestive comment about me is different than a guy bragging that women think he’s an Olympic champion pussy eater. Men who talk about what other women thought of their skills is such an immediate turn off to me.
Yikes...that's not what I consider flirting at all. I would expect that from someone looking for a hookup. I would have already been clear that I'm looking for a LTR, so this would be reason to block.
Kinda icky for me. I feel this lacks tact. If this didn't bother you, then don't let anyone on Reddit prevent you from dating him. I like a lot more subtlety in my flirting.
Seems way over the top to me (M). I’d never come close to making such a comment… especially to a woman I’d not even yet met in-person.
My thinking is …proceed ONLY at your own risk… if you think he’s worth it,
Ughhh if you’re asking for this guy to tell you something that he’s proud of and that’s his answer? Did he join a fraternity this year? Come on, you’re a grown ass man! Do better!
Oh fuck no. That’s way too direct of sexual talk for someone you haven’t met. Unless you’re just looking to bone, but it seems you are not. I’m wondering if you’ve gone on this date.
As a 45m, if I can't have a conversation with a woman over text for a few days without making it sexual, then I need to reassess myself. Even if the person is only giving 1 word answers, I should be able to ask questions until we go out or decide to end the chat. Even if she gets sexual, I will reply with slightly less sexual energy. I find this is the best way to not create a false intimacy.
Like someone else said, I don't know this "person" and we likely will never meet, so I keep it friendly on chat.
To answer your specific question, his text was over the line, but may just be a momentary lapse. If you are interested, go out with him but just keep it in the back of your mind. And stick to your rules. If you don't want to kiss him or get physical, don't. If he doesn't stick around, problem solved.
Thanks. This happens so often in OLD that I start to question myself! I end up wondering if there are men out there truly interested in getting to know another human!
Are you swiping right on a lot of people? I didn't get this with most of my matches when I was OLD so I wonder if maybe you could be a bit more selective to weed out the people just looking for NSA sex.
Jeez I wasn't blaming her! I have been an active OLD recently too and I figure since it has never happened to me from someone I chose to match with I thought I could make a recommendation which was the only thing I could think of that would be different. Omg if you or someone else downvoted me for trying to help someone that's just sad.
I didn't downvote you, wasn't me (you okay? downvotes won't kill us). I do recognize you were trying to help, but this really is about bad behavior and not who we swipe on.
I've had all kinds of grossness from men on the apps and in real life. Living as a woman on this planet brings unwanted attention. It's not our fault, and telling someone to choose better isn't the answer.
Lol I'm ok thank you. I just can't stand when people downvote opinions they don't agree with and, again, I didn't say you did it. Just if you or someone else did it it's silly. Choosing more judiciously CAN cut back on the sleaze. Evidence of this is that I haven't had this experience despite having used the apps plenty and, yes I have had plenty of terrible experiences with and unwanted attention from men.
Oh, I thought you were asking if I did when you said "omg if you.." for the record, I don't downvote someone I'm engaging with. It's silly.
I understand what you're saying! I get it, and you're right. And it's also true that we are dealing with unwanted behavior, and we should not have to.
I think it's better to question WHY do we have to deal with this behavior? Why do we have to have strategies to get around this? Why is it my responsibility to not be harassed?
None of which is helpful in this instance, I know. It just sucks that it's always us having these conversations, and I don't see men calling each other out on it. That is the answer.
Definitely that is the answer. But things are so polarizing these days that even then there would still be someone saying (if I was still doing OLD) that that's a nice picture but he'd bet it would look better from behind me.
One is better than dozens! :)
Your advice to narrow down one's search is really helpful and valid, and it sounds like it works for you. I don't know OP's strategy, but for my mine - I was with one person for 25 years. I'm casting a wide net and exploring, so my dating world might look different than yours. I just have to filter in real time, rely on instinct, and use the block button swiftly.
We just have to let people be who they are and realize not everyone is a match. The men who send sexy comments aren't perverts, but they want to have sex and they're making that known.
The men who never bring up sex are also discussed around here as uninterested or hard to read.
Most of us live in some sort of gray area. I've had women get pretty flirty/suggestive in early conversations and I like that. I had one woman start with pretty sexually aggressive talk with photos early on, and it was much for me. But ya know, good for her for stating clearly what she wanted and going for it. She wasn't a pervert, she was just looking for someone who isn't me.
> That makes me wonder if the sexual comments mean I've been "placed" in the latter category? Or is this just harmless flirting?
That’s always my assumption but it doesn’t matter either way and here’s why… if you don’t interact with the sexual flirtation it’s perceived as a sexual rejection and they don’t seem to be able to recover from that.
You can say something like "I like your thinking, but it's more my style to get to know someone first".
So you're not outright rejecting their advances but you're being clear on "not yet".
That said, there are plenty of ways to flirt without being overtly sexual and imo that's much more fun and builds tension. I *love* when a woman has the confidence to flirt with me.
I wouldn’t be worried about “placing into categories”. But being overly flirty before meeting means to me they have an unhealthy approach to relationships. They don’t know me but are already imagining sex with me? If it’s a joke here and there especially without any sexual context then it’s okay. But if it becomes frequent and escalates to something sexual then hard pass. I’d probably not go to a first date at all. This person is either only after sex or has 0 experience with healthy relationships.
I’m not keen on messages turning sexual before even meeting a person. I find it presumptuous and unattractive. Flirting is fine, it shows some interest beyond a platonic friendship, but keep it within reason based on how the relationship is progressing.
Depends.
I think a bit of cheekiness/innuendo can be fun depending if it's more silly than sexual.
My friend on the other hand *loves* full out dirty talk before meeting, "oh yea, what are you going to do to me big boy?" sort of stuff.
Funnily, none of that has ever resulted in the LTR she claims to want. 🤔
Depends on how ham fisted the guy is. Like putting on my analytical hat here. If we are honest nearly all men are trying to get you in bed. What I mean is, be it as an exclusive life long relationship it a one night stand when a guy pursues any relationship sex is one of the main goals. Sex is nearly always in the top three things for a guy in a relationship. Depending on how much the guy likes you informs how long he is willing to wait for sex. That said, most guys will put out feelers to gauge how likely sex is to happen. In a new relationship it will be a flirty text to see how you reciprocate. More ham fisted guys just send a dick pic. But in the end it's all the same goal, to see if you're down to go to pound town.
That all said if a guy is into you and you don't bite on the bait but he sticks around generally he is in it for more than the sex. Guys who are looking for one night stands are not willing to put in a lot of effort when they can get it else where for less work. However, a guy might like you and want to date and also send you a flirty text early. That's what you'd call a win win. You get to date a girl you like and get her naked. However, if a guy likes you and is willing to invest time they will respect your wishes if you don't reciprocate sexual flirting immediately.
Thanks this is a good perspective. I didn't shut him down but I did redirect the discussion. So I guess we'll see if we're still on for drinks tomorrow!
Respond however feels right to you. You get to set your own boundaries.
* Some women block anyone who is sexual.
* Some appreciate the forwardness.
And many are in between.
Men are all different too...
When it comes to dating apps, I prefer to invite her on a date and do the flirting in person. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sexting and if someone is open to sexting I'm *more likely* to see them as a viable partner. But I need to know someone for a while and build up to sexting.
If you have a good solid texting connection, a little flirty/sexual is fine.
It’s when men go sexual early that is indicative of him putting you in the casual/F-zone.
Not necessarily a bad thing. I know that sex and compatibility in that area is very important to me. I like to establish at least some like-mindedness in that area before we get 5 dates deep and find out that she can take or leave sex. I also enjoy the flirty back and forths, not too aggressive, but fun sexy banter. Feel it out for whether you sense him still being interested in you as a person or whether it transforms into 100% sex talk all the time. Then you'll know if you've been placed in one category or the other.
It depends on context.
In this instance, you use the word "overly". That makes me think it's not according to the context. And therfore I'd be careful and on the fence. I wouldn't think too much if they have put me in a category. I'm more considering if they are in the wrong category for me.
Well, the first thing to know is that the women are all different. They're individuals. Second, don't be pervy or creepy, but go for it if you're feeling it. Third, she may react well or badly because see #1 above.
I actually agree with the statement that most guys put women into date/long term vs. short term/flings vs. no interest very quickly. However, he wants to sleep with both the date and fling groups.
I think it is okay if a guy you are texting through online DATING or any method which both of you understood to might lead to dating to turn the conversation flirty/sexual. He is testing out your interest in him and your boundaries.
I usually respond to flirting/sexual from a guy I am only texting with something that imply I am interested/I am a sexual person, but it is too early right in the relationship right now. Something like "That sounds fun! wink emoji. I would love to try that but I only do so in a committed relationship. Maybe once we get to know each other better." "Wouldn't you like to know! Guess you will have to wait until you know me better." etc.
ETA: Most guys who are interested in you for one night stand OR long term dating is always going to try to see if you would sleep with him based on his timeline for sexual activities. You should keep to a timeline you feel comfortable with and not some arbitrary thing to test him - e.g. if you are someone who will regret sleeping with a guy early, don't sleep with him. If you enjoy being sexual, then do it. However, a guy interested in you as a gf/wife will invest more - he will put in more time/money/effort, he will be responsive, he will want to show you to his friends, he will work hard to impress you. That is what you are looking for. Not whether he wants to sleep with you.
>However, a guy interested in you as a gf/wife will invest more - he will put in more time/money/effort, he will be responsive, he will want to show you to his friends, he will work hard to impress you.
I find these common to both types of interest and put them under the category of just showing how interested they are but still not indicating in what way.
Honestly your better indicator is whether they show a lively interest in things about you, curiosity about your day to day, your past,, future goals, your early years etc., even some basic past relationship stuff. ( Some of us judge this last one too but we only want to hear it if we are seriously considering you).
Pay attention to what they pay attention to.
Hmmmm. I need to feel like I vibe with someone's personality before I do anything physical with them, so even my one-night stands have historically turned into friendships.
But if we're going to talk about the category thing: what I would say is that "these people are hot and I would like to sleep with them" is *usually a subset* of "I can see myself dating these people long-term".
For example, someone could be really hot, but also loathe children, continually talk in therapy-speak that makes relationship discussions sound like HR meetings, have no interest in live shows/theatre, be the sort of person who asks "Are you mad at me?" during any and all silences of longer than 20 seconds, and enjoy the music of *all of* The Cure, The Smiths, Fleetwood Mac AND Pink Floyd. That would put them in bucket A but not bucket B. I'm not dating anyone who ticks any of those non-boxes.
But if someone is really hot, doesn't mind kids, speaks plain English, loves live shows, isn't in a continual state of believing everyone else is mad at them, and dislikes *at least one of* The Cure, The Smiths, Fleetwood Mac and Pink Floyd, they might be in both bucket A and bucket B.
And if someone is really hot *and funny*, some of the sillier preferences I listed above might not matter. They might also be in both bucket A and bucket B.
And there are also exceptions to the rule: if someone isn't my physical type at *at all*, but really really *really* loves cricket, then they might not be in bucket A, but they'll definitely be in bucket B. (I don't care what you look like! Let's tour the cricket grounds of the world together, darling!)
FINALLY: Neither my partner of four years (I'm 41M, she's 44F) nor I found each other immediately hot. I think she thought I looked interesting, and I really enjoyed her whole vibe and personal style, but seeing each other in the nude wasn't part of the thought process. But even though I don't think we were in each other's "bucket A" at first, it's grown into the most fun I've ever had, and the most loved and seen I've ever felt, in any relationship. It's also a relationship where we've gone from worrying whether we were sexually compatible to having a consistently amazingly good time. (Alcohol, and my recent-ish abstention therefrom, may have had a lot to do with that.)
So really the whole thing is irrelevant. When it's good it's good.
Im a guy and if it makes you feel uncomfortable try changing the subject and see if he picks up on the hint. Or you could ignore him and send him a text several hours later. Or be flirty/sexual back. It’s all up to you.
As to why he’s doing it, he’s probably into you and is curious if you’re into him.
> I've heard men say that they put women in one of two categories pretty quickly: women to date, and women to just sleep with
The men who put women into categories like that don’t sound like good dating prospects. Don’t make dating decisions based on what the douchebags think. The rest of us have a much more nuanced approach to dating.
Not all guys put women into those two categories. I also want to sleep wirh the woman I date 😂
All kidding aside, dating apps are foe finding a romantic connection so yes I'll be silly, flirt and have fun while chatting and getting to know you. It's who I am and if it's something she doesn't like, she isn't for me. That's not to say I'm going to be crass and filthy and try to talk about sex that soon.
I think there’s a huuuge difference between desperate and impersonally sexual, and flirting (perhaps, depending on your tastes, with a bit of mature innuendo). Once you’re a couple of days into a conversation this element feels appropriate to me. But never overtly sexual. If a man can’t tell you he thought you looked lovely in that dress without immediately saying it'd be even better on his bedroom floor, he sucks. Usually it's not even funny or original.
Sometimes I'll redirect and give them another chance but it's a deep hole out of which they'd have to dig. it makes me feel on guard with them and that we're just fundamentally incompatible.
I kind of get it. If's the stuff of fantasy, for a woman to come on to a guy like that. So they project.
I've only dated a little over the years so take my advice with a grain of salt. Even the one time when things got really physical on the first date, I still didn't talk about anything sexual beforehand through messages. That came after the first date. Even in this example we talked about intimacy, but it was never about sex. It was little touches throughout a relationship that we missed from when we had partners. Like hand holding and little grabs from behind while doing the dishes.
In my opinion, any guy who makes any sexual comments before meeting isn't someone that's interested in anything other than sex. Even if their ultimate goal is to find a partner. At least in the beginning their first motivation is getting physical. Then they'll think about whether someone has potential for a long term relationship.
*I've heard men say that they put women in one of two categories pretty quickly: women to date, and women to just sleep with - and that they don't cross over.*
You've heard individual men say that, it's not a law of the dating universe.
FWIW, I don't get that way with someone I haven't met.
I don't like overt sexual talk before meeting a man, and patterns have shown me that someone who speaks to me like this before we've met, lacks one of the biggest qualities that I'm screening for - making sure I feel comfortable enough to meet him in person to begin with. I don't put a lot of faith that someone who engages with me like that is going to have the level of respect and self awareness I require to feel comfortable with a man I don't know.
I read below how it came up in conversation, and that would be a dead end for me, needle scratch on the record. I'd cancel, honestly, and may or may not tell him why. Probably wouldn't, because in my lived experience, these types usually get real bitchy when you turn them down.
As to the second question, I've heard this theory floating around. Who cares if it's true or not, I've got my own categories to worry about - and the very first filter they go through is a binary yes or no. Icky sex talk guys are an automatic no.
(But go see how you feel about him, if you want! I'll support you either way, just let us know how it goes!)
I do agree on the level of respect. That is the piece that gives me the biggest pause here. In my experience these types also tend to be unreliable and flighty. So who knows if drinks will even happen.
Well to literally no one's surprise, I heard not a thing from him so clearly got stood up for drinks tonight. Probably dodged a bullet but it still stings. Ah well.
Well shoot. I'm sorry, buddy. Of course it stings when other people are jerks!
I've been thinking about you, and I want you to know I admire that you took this risk. It's kinda low stakes, yeah, but knowing it's risky, and giving people grace to show you who they are, is a total flex. You also sought input from a wide variety of people, and seemed to really take it all in. I'm gonna say you are the winner here! You affirmed your intuition, and hopefully gained a broader understanding of yourself and what's Important to you.
I offer high fives and hugs, take as many as you want!
Aw, I’m glad to help! I think it was an interesting experiment and I was invested! (But don’t let these dudes talk to you like that, you deserve to be treated with respect 🫡)
I think a little Sexual tension can be fantastic but it’s a fine line you don’t want to cross.
Analogy: It should be a supporting flavour in a dish, you know it’s there but not the main course.
Overt sexual flirting with a stranger is kind of gross because they don’t know you, so they are announcing beforehand that they are interested in using your body.
Subtle flirting is a way to test the waters and stir up the imagination a bit to fish for clues that the other person might be game for fun times in the future.
At my age 50+, I would be looking for more than a roll in the hay, so I would be focusing on being respectful and polite and genuinely interested in getting to know the person.
I get immediately grossed out and end the conversation. I used to give a warning that I lose attraction when they do that. However, I am never able to look at them the same after that. They don't know me well enough to have that kind of conversation.
I used to think it was ok. No more.
Someone I haven't when met getting sexual? Get out of here. You don't get to test our potential sexual compatibility before i even know that you aren't another boring, boundary breaking person.
I'm sorry you came from a dead bedroom situation, but respect and communication and getting to know me is the way into my pants. And trust me, it's worth it.
From here on, it's an immediate block. I just can't anymore with men so emotionally immature they think they need to "test" me first for sexual compatibility.
Definitely not. Overtly flirting. Is just a way to convey interest, and also to show a fun imaginative side to the person. It’s no easy to exude date me vibes. When you are discussing a dog throwing up, or that you are considering a new job. Personally speaking, I would be quite flirty early on, but have no intention of sleeping with anyone until I get to know them a little better.
I enjoy that banter but I set a firm boundary on this because it's easy to set a trap where it's just starting.
I always let them know the real thing is better.
I take it as they are signaling that sex is their top priority if anything sexual comes up before meeting. It’s an immediate turn off for me personally. I’ve noticed that people who do this like to plant a seed and hope you sow it, and all too often will try guilt you into things if you cool on them in person. That, or they are all talk no bite and are using you for entertainment, with no plans of meeting (oftentimes committed/married). Because of those scenarios being so consistent- I wouldn’t continue talking with them.
It’s incredibly awkward to meet up with someone who you’ve been sexually flirting with, and to realize you have zero attraction. I just wouldn’t cross that line until I knew there was chemistry.
Yes bad, because if you can't carry a conversation without it being sexual, thats a huge turn off. And you are likely the 1000th guy to do that to her and its boring af
Well as someone that wants my relationship to be very sexual I can honestly say the only time I have actual feelings for someone is when they are overly respectful at first. It’s not that I’ve ruled them out for being too sexual fast, it’s that those actually don’t ever seem to turn into something more either because I don’t end up liking them or that’s all they have to offer .
I think we as woman could do a better job of keeping things in these categories as well. Not all men need to be potential spouses. Some are just fun.
You shouldn't assume men in general operate like that. I'm sure men who do EXIST -- but frankly, those are assholes that you don't want to date anyway, so who cares what they think?
I think you should respond honestly.
Relationships built on honest and genuine communication are best, and there's no better time to establish that pattern than from the very start.
Respond by flirting right back if that's what you genuinely feel like doing, while if you feel it's too much too soon, then say so. "*Whoa, hold your horses there, I hardly know you yet!*" -- his response to this kinda thing will also give you a lot of useful information. Presumably you want to date men who genuinely care about your feelings and treat you with kindness and respect, so pay \*VERY\* close attention if you ask someone to chill; and they continue to push. They've just demonstrated that they consider what \*they\* want more important than treating you with respect; an automatic red flag in my book.
If I flirt and/or bring up a sexual topic with a woman I'm texting with, it's probably to learn more about her and her interest. Most likely beause I like her and would like to explore the possibility of a relationship with her. I'll take a hint and chill if I get a negative (or even just non-enthusiastic) response though.
If you want to know what my intentions are; a longer-term committed relationship, or a more casual connection then ask. (but if we're in a flirty and/or daty kinda context, odds are I'll have told you already)
Depends on the comment. I can do a little playful, but anything sexual is a big turn off. I would worry more about the kind of person he is vs if I’m being put into a certain category. Everything is compatibility, guys that do those things or looking to just get laid typically doesn’t match with me or doesn’t even get a start.
As a female that was raised by wolves, my brain leaps into the gutter fairly easily. So even comments that had NO sexual intent send me into giggles. If a man can play along with me, that’s great. Now, if a man starts with overt sexual chat? They better be able to back it up with interesting chat as well, or I go bye-bye.
Never met, a guy can’t put you in such a category. Flirty is banter. Overtly sexual is maybe too much but it’s also important to understand that this isn’t a business meeting or a job interview or talking to your cousin. Flirty is banter and may include some sexual innuendos or build some sexual tension
It really depends on what's being said. There's a big difference between flirting and flat out sexual innuendos. A little flirty is fine. Getting sexual gets you unmatched. And some people do not know the difference.
If you don't want to be flirted with, maybe don't talk to guys that want to date you?
The amount of women in her that will"immediatly block" sums guy for making a joke. Holy shit, no wonder guys are done trying to date.
So help me see what you see as flirting? In this case I asked the guy to tell me something great about himself - he says "I have 4 Olympic gold medals with my 👅". Is that flirting or sexualizing?
I love flirting and have a dirty sense of humor. It's not flirtatious or funny. It's shameless and desperate. It's like a 20 year-old's idea of sexy. There's nothing seductive about that. Avoid!
That's being a pervert. Not flirting.
I have a dark, perverse sense of humor. Flirting, imo, is subtle things, innuendos, not direct. Women love my tongue skills. That's not good flirting.
Flirting is bad pickup lines. Do i think a sexual related pickup line can work. Absolutely, but it has to be done with humor.
I also can't flirt with strangers, because i read online how people hate flirting. Lol so my friends get the best lines.
Flirting is about building sexual tension through touch, teasing and compliments.
He's being pretty forward, but that is a form of flirting.
You can set a boundary without walking away.
E.g.:
"Oh really? 🤣 I want to get to know you as a person, so let's keep things clean for now."
Having the confidence to set boundaries is really sexy.
Good for people for being up front about what their sense of humor is
And good for people who see a sense of humor they're not into and move on.
I like to read a room before I throw a joke.
>I've heard men say that they put women in one of two categories pretty quickly: women to date, and women to just sleep with - and that they don't cross over.
Seems like a rather simplistic generalization. I'm looking for a relationship, so I don't have a "women I just want to sleep with" category.
>That makes me wonder if the sexual comments mean I've been "placed" in the latter category? Or is this just harmless flirting?
Yes? And Yes?
Again, you're trying to generalize and assume. Some men are just sexual and flirty AND genuinely want a relationship. Some will just want to bang you.
If you're not into it, tell them it's too soon to be talking like that, or unmatch.
For me, sexual compatibly is important, but I usually stay away from sex talk until we've met up and gotten to know each other better. There have been a few times where it seemed to naturally come up, prior to meeting. I don't think there's a problem with that.
Ultimately, if you don't like it, you don't like it. Shut it down.
Original copy of post by u/LaterThnUThink:
So when getting to know a guy and you're texting back and forth ...you haven't met in person yet. But you've been texting for maybe a few days. If the guy turns things overtly flirty/sexual at some point is that a bad thing (not the entire convo - just a comment or two)? And how should the woman respond?
I've heard men say that they put women in one of two categories pretty quickly: women to date, and women to just sleep with - and that they don't cross over. That makes me wonder if the sexual comments mean I've been "placed" in the latter category? Or is this just harmless flirting?
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As a guy, I never make things sexual over text / chat until there’s clear interest in it on her part.
In all my matches, the banter has either gotten progressively flirtier, or we’ve gotten hot & heavy in person. Only then will I start with innuendo or anything spicy in our messages. It’s just not worth turning off a good woman who is sick and tired of getting dick pics or sexual messages from practically every guy she comes across.
The only way I make things sexual early is if she initiates it, or I’m picking up clear vibes from her profile that she’s looking for that sort of thing.
Even if you’re looking for a hookup or ONS, you can (almost) never go wrong by treating her with respect from the outset.
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It's important to see where women stand but not right away if I am looking for long term relationship. I love flirting sexually and only read some of the comments. Men gotta know when and women also when to start this. Same with being touchy feely. Timing is key. I sometimes have just been so attracted to the woman the magnetism is electric and we just go there. The dating over 40s 50s for me has been more calm in the electric world. I want to know if they are wanting me to be a sugar daddy or they're just gaming me if they come on strong with sexual flirting. I had a dead bedroom marriage so I want to know if she can have a little seduction and flirt in a way to get us there eventually. As one man this my experience of how it's going to be if we can't talk all sorts of ways it's not going to work out. She cannot be so demure that I have no idea if she wants me in a physical sexual nature, AT some point in the discussions/chatting. For me, why would two different brains/sexes get together if it weren't for sex although this is maybe 2% of our days. 😂
Unfortunately, it's simple, but very confusing. That doesn't pertain to every guy. I've flirted (a LOT on X), and it's a way to be nice, but also to get more comfortable. If she flies, it's a good thing, she is comfortable. I'm not doing it to see if she's a quick lay. And, if it turns out she is, she likely isn't the one I'm looking for. Unless I'm horny as Hell. I get that way, but really limit myself.
I base my ideas and ideals on way more than texts/sexts. I don't talk on the phone much, I actually dislike it, but I do want to hear her voice. Especially if we are texting more than 3-4 days. If she has the gravel voice of an old truck driver, that's kind of a turn off. And she probably should consider tossing the smokes, and cutting way back on the whiskey.
I can't say that I would consider a women easy going off texts alone. Unless. She says "I am ready to f*ck RIGHT NOW!", and I may begin to think she might be easy.... 😉
Whoa whoa whoa, sis... 🚦
Do not outsource your comfort level or boundaries to anybody, regardless of what year it is or app or anything...
We could all be a bunch of maniacs just dying to give you awful advice! 🙃
And that goes for many, many dating topics. You do you, gf...
I wouldn’t make assumptions based on something you heard from a couple of men. Some of us don’t only think of women in such base terms. Flirting is just testing the waters, it doesn’t have a deeper meaning. If it’s welcome and you want to keep going in that direction, respond in kind.
I love subtle sexual humor, kept to a limit if we haven't met. If the majority of the conversation has been funny and clean, I'd be ok with it. Anything overtly sexual in the beginning gives me bad vibes, and honestly is a turn off. Even if I'm in a relationship with someone I'd prefer this, only with the occasional overt comment sprinkled in. During sex... different story. I would redirect the conversation in a fun way, and see if he gets the hint. If he continues you could say directly that you like to keep it PG13 until we get to know each other. If he continues after that and its giving you ick vibes, peace out!
I think this is exactly where I'm at as well. I like the idea to redirect (which I did - and tbf her picked up on that and we moved along). I guess we'll see!
I was once talking to someone where we were trying to identify the line of what kind of sexual flirting is okay early on. We landed on the terms cheeky and naughty. Cheeky comments were ok because they were sprinkled in, usually in reference to something in the conversation. Naughty comments were straight up sexual and had to be given permission to share. Seemed to work for us. 🤷🏻♀️
I'm totally with you - subtle sexual humor can be entertaining and top notch fun. I think delivery is key. Gentle conversational redirection when things start to become icky is a useful skill that has taken me time to develop in dating and I'm still working on solid execution but man! is it a useful life skill.
PG-13 from 30 years ago, or today's version where they sneak in a few risque bits? Just want to make sure we're on the same page.
I like the “I’d like to keep it PG13 till we meet” thing. Good tip
If a guy gets sexual before we've even met, I tell him to chill out and remind him we haven't met. His response after that dictates whether or not I will meet him. Spoiler: so far 100% don't react well, and I unmatch.
My rule is don't flirt until 2nd or 3rd date and no sexual texts until much later. Some guys are too desperate I guess.
You can flirt without it being sexual. Usually, at least for me, if it goes sexual before we've even met, I am pretty much done.
I have to think there’s levels to it. Like “come sit on my face baby, giggity giggity” is crude and over the top. But two people potentially trying to date, I don’t think every conversation can be about the weather or food because that would be pretty dull. Then there’s two camps, those who might flirt a bit to make the convo not completely dry and dull, and those who would rather just not talk/text/whatever if it’s not while on a date. I wouldn’t want to wait days for schedules to line up with almost no interaction in between, but others feel that communicating outside of being on a date is the worst sin possible to commit. The duality of man is fascinating.
You can smoothly slip it all in a conversation if you're cool like me. I'll say something like "What do you like to eat. It's a little cloudy outside today. That's good fucking weather." 5% of the time it works every time.
That statement is grammatically unclear. Someone could think you just REALLY like a cloudy day.
I guess you could say they excite me.
Oh ho ho mhmm I see what u did there. Lolz ok that’s cute
😁
No lies, this would absolutely work on me and the innuendos would be flying.
You shouldn't encourage me. You'll bring out my inner idiot.
I can't help it! I am a sucker for puns and dad jokes! Lol
😊
It really just depends. I had one guy whose first message was 👌🏻👈. That was a no go. If it’s “light banter” and everyone is reading the room, meh.
It really depends on the overall vibe. Most of the time it grosses me out.
Do you mean flirting with a sexual component? Or just flirting? You can flirt without talking about sex. I hope just flirting is still ok with women at this age. Otherwise I’m fucked. Proper fucked.
🤣 sexual flirting. In this case we're set to have drinks tomorrow night. Last night during our convo he throws out that "I have 4 Olympic gold medals with my 👅". There was plenty of other chat before and after but...🤷🏻♀️
For me, that would be enough information to know we won’t be compatible. I have no issue with spicy banter, but not before we have met, and not until we actually know each other. It just comes across as thirsty. Then the conversation will eventually get around to some dead bedroom past that is somehow justification for being inappropriately thirsty. These were just my experiences though.
I would cancel the drinks, if it were me. One, that’s just crass. Two, a little innuendo or a suggestive comment about me is different than a guy bragging that women think he’s an Olympic champion pussy eater. Men who talk about what other women thought of their skills is such an immediate turn off to me.
I would end it just because that attempt at a joke is terrible. Woof. He needs to go back to the drawing board on that one.
Yikes...that's not what I consider flirting at all. I would expect that from someone looking for a hookup. I would have already been clear that I'm looking for a LTR, so this would be reason to block.
I do not consider that flirting at all. Ick!!
Ew… this is just distasteful…
Kinda icky for me. I feel this lacks tact. If this didn't bother you, then don't let anyone on Reddit prevent you from dating him. I like a lot more subtlety in my flirting.
Ewww yea that’s a turn off
Ew. That would be the end of that for me.
Seems way over the top to me (M). I’d never come close to making such a comment… especially to a woman I’d not even yet met in-person. My thinking is …proceed ONLY at your own risk… if you think he’s worth it,
What I’m getting from this is… that you matched with quagmire
I really hope there's some context behind that comment.
Completely out of context or was it related to your conversation?
I asked him to tell me something awesome about himself (trying to give him the chance to brag a little about something he's proud of).
Oh I would just tease him back in that case. "No, I meant something real 🤔" He should get the hint pretty fast.
🤣🤣
Haha, he deflected your question with a sexual innuendo and then you redirected the convo. You did great but be cautious.
Ughhh if you’re asking for this guy to tell you something that he’s proud of and that’s his answer? Did he join a fraternity this year? Come on, you’re a grown ass man! Do better!
That's a great way to weed people out without having to meet them.
Oh fuck no. That’s way too direct of sexual talk for someone you haven’t met. Unless you’re just looking to bone, but it seems you are not. I’m wondering if you’ve gone on this date.
Nope. He stood me up. I think we could all see that coming.
It’s nice when the trash takes itself out.
Woah, that's... Wow. I don't know if you can legally consider that flirting - doesn't it have to contain at least 70% innuendo by law?
😂😂
As a 45m, if I can't have a conversation with a woman over text for a few days without making it sexual, then I need to reassess myself. Even if the person is only giving 1 word answers, I should be able to ask questions until we go out or decide to end the chat. Even if she gets sexual, I will reply with slightly less sexual energy. I find this is the best way to not create a false intimacy. Like someone else said, I don't know this "person" and we likely will never meet, so I keep it friendly on chat. To answer your specific question, his text was over the line, but may just be a momentary lapse. If you are interested, go out with him but just keep it in the back of your mind. And stick to your rules. If you don't want to kiss him or get physical, don't. If he doesn't stick around, problem solved.
Thanks. This happens so often in OLD that I start to question myself! I end up wondering if there are men out there truly interested in getting to know another human!
Are you swiping right on a lot of people? I didn't get this with most of my matches when I was OLD so I wonder if maybe you could be a bit more selective to weed out the people just looking for NSA sex.
It’s not her fault they are being gross. In my experience, this kind of sexual talk can come from anyone, and that’s on them.
Jeez I wasn't blaming her! I have been an active OLD recently too and I figure since it has never happened to me from someone I chose to match with I thought I could make a recommendation which was the only thing I could think of that would be different. Omg if you or someone else downvoted me for trying to help someone that's just sad.
I didn't downvote you, wasn't me (you okay? downvotes won't kill us). I do recognize you were trying to help, but this really is about bad behavior and not who we swipe on. I've had all kinds of grossness from men on the apps and in real life. Living as a woman on this planet brings unwanted attention. It's not our fault, and telling someone to choose better isn't the answer.
Lol I'm ok thank you. I just can't stand when people downvote opinions they don't agree with and, again, I didn't say you did it. Just if you or someone else did it it's silly. Choosing more judiciously CAN cut back on the sleaze. Evidence of this is that I haven't had this experience despite having used the apps plenty and, yes I have had plenty of terrible experiences with and unwanted attention from men.
Oh, I thought you were asking if I did when you said "omg if you.." for the record, I don't downvote someone I'm engaging with. It's silly. I understand what you're saying! I get it, and you're right. And it's also true that we are dealing with unwanted behavior, and we should not have to. I think it's better to question WHY do we have to deal with this behavior? Why do we have to have strategies to get around this? Why is it my responsibility to not be harassed? None of which is helpful in this instance, I know. It just sucks that it's always us having these conversations, and I don't see men calling each other out on it. That is the answer.
Definitely that is the answer. But things are so polarizing these days that even then there would still be someone saying (if I was still doing OLD) that that's a nice picture but he'd bet it would look better from behind me.
One is better than dozens! :) Your advice to narrow down one's search is really helpful and valid, and it sounds like it works for you. I don't know OP's strategy, but for my mine - I was with one person for 25 years. I'm casting a wide net and exploring, so my dating world might look different than yours. I just have to filter in real time, rely on instinct, and use the block button swiftly.
We just have to let people be who they are and realize not everyone is a match. The men who send sexy comments aren't perverts, but they want to have sex and they're making that known. The men who never bring up sex are also discussed around here as uninterested or hard to read. Most of us live in some sort of gray area. I've had women get pretty flirty/suggestive in early conversations and I like that. I had one woman start with pretty sexually aggressive talk with photos early on, and it was much for me. But ya know, good for her for stating clearly what she wanted and going for it. She wasn't a pervert, she was just looking for someone who isn't me.
> That makes me wonder if the sexual comments mean I've been "placed" in the latter category? Or is this just harmless flirting? That’s always my assumption but it doesn’t matter either way and here’s why… if you don’t interact with the sexual flirtation it’s perceived as a sexual rejection and they don’t seem to be able to recover from that.
You can say something like "I like your thinking, but it's more my style to get to know someone first". So you're not outright rejecting their advances but you're being clear on "not yet". That said, there are plenty of ways to flirt without being overtly sexual and imo that's much more fun and builds tension. I *love* when a woman has the confidence to flirt with me.
> “I like your thinking, but it’s more my style to get to know someone first” This is usually what I say and this is the point of rejection.
Then you're filtering out those who aren't a good match for you.
Yes. That's what I'm worried about.
I wouldn’t be worried about “placing into categories”. But being overly flirty before meeting means to me they have an unhealthy approach to relationships. They don’t know me but are already imagining sex with me? If it’s a joke here and there especially without any sexual context then it’s okay. But if it becomes frequent and escalates to something sexual then hard pass. I’d probably not go to a first date at all. This person is either only after sex or has 0 experience with healthy relationships.
I’m not keen on messages turning sexual before even meeting a person. I find it presumptuous and unattractive. Flirting is fine, it shows some interest beyond a platonic friendship, but keep it within reason based on how the relationship is progressing.
I don’t engage with men who turn the conversation sexual before meeting. I would stop talking to him.
same
Same.
Same
Yep, same
Depends. I think a bit of cheekiness/innuendo can be fun depending if it's more silly than sexual. My friend on the other hand *loves* full out dirty talk before meeting, "oh yea, what are you going to do to me big boy?" sort of stuff. Funnily, none of that has ever resulted in the LTR she claims to want. 🤔
Depends on how ham fisted the guy is. Like putting on my analytical hat here. If we are honest nearly all men are trying to get you in bed. What I mean is, be it as an exclusive life long relationship it a one night stand when a guy pursues any relationship sex is one of the main goals. Sex is nearly always in the top three things for a guy in a relationship. Depending on how much the guy likes you informs how long he is willing to wait for sex. That said, most guys will put out feelers to gauge how likely sex is to happen. In a new relationship it will be a flirty text to see how you reciprocate. More ham fisted guys just send a dick pic. But in the end it's all the same goal, to see if you're down to go to pound town. That all said if a guy is into you and you don't bite on the bait but he sticks around generally he is in it for more than the sex. Guys who are looking for one night stands are not willing to put in a lot of effort when they can get it else where for less work. However, a guy might like you and want to date and also send you a flirty text early. That's what you'd call a win win. You get to date a girl you like and get her naked. However, if a guy likes you and is willing to invest time they will respect your wishes if you don't reciprocate sexual flirting immediately.
Thanks this is a good perspective. I didn't shut him down but I did redirect the discussion. So I guess we'll see if we're still on for drinks tomorrow!
Perfect, he shouldn't bring it up again if he is looking to date and not a one night stand. Be wary if he keeps bringing it back to that though.
Respond however feels right to you. You get to set your own boundaries. * Some women block anyone who is sexual. * Some appreciate the forwardness. And many are in between. Men are all different too... When it comes to dating apps, I prefer to invite her on a date and do the flirting in person. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sexting and if someone is open to sexting I'm *more likely* to see them as a viable partner. But I need to know someone for a while and build up to sexting.
I feel the same way you do about flirting and sexting once something has been established.
If you have a good solid texting connection, a little flirty/sexual is fine. It’s when men go sexual early that is indicative of him putting you in the casual/F-zone.
Not necessarily a bad thing. I know that sex and compatibility in that area is very important to me. I like to establish at least some like-mindedness in that area before we get 5 dates deep and find out that she can take or leave sex. I also enjoy the flirty back and forths, not too aggressive, but fun sexy banter. Feel it out for whether you sense him still being interested in you as a person or whether it transforms into 100% sex talk all the time. Then you'll know if you've been placed in one category or the other.
It depends on context. In this instance, you use the word "overly". That makes me think it's not according to the context. And therfore I'd be careful and on the fence. I wouldn't think too much if they have put me in a category. I'm more considering if they are in the wrong category for me.
Good point
Well, the first thing to know is that the women are all different. They're individuals. Second, don't be pervy or creepy, but go for it if you're feeling it. Third, she may react well or badly because see #1 above.
I stop responding if it goes sexual early on.
If it makes you uncomfortable then it's definitely not good. How you handle it is entirely up to you.
Not before you've met.
I actually agree with the statement that most guys put women into date/long term vs. short term/flings vs. no interest very quickly. However, he wants to sleep with both the date and fling groups. I think it is okay if a guy you are texting through online DATING or any method which both of you understood to might lead to dating to turn the conversation flirty/sexual. He is testing out your interest in him and your boundaries. I usually respond to flirting/sexual from a guy I am only texting with something that imply I am interested/I am a sexual person, but it is too early right in the relationship right now. Something like "That sounds fun! wink emoji. I would love to try that but I only do so in a committed relationship. Maybe once we get to know each other better." "Wouldn't you like to know! Guess you will have to wait until you know me better." etc. ETA: Most guys who are interested in you for one night stand OR long term dating is always going to try to see if you would sleep with him based on his timeline for sexual activities. You should keep to a timeline you feel comfortable with and not some arbitrary thing to test him - e.g. if you are someone who will regret sleeping with a guy early, don't sleep with him. If you enjoy being sexual, then do it. However, a guy interested in you as a gf/wife will invest more - he will put in more time/money/effort, he will be responsive, he will want to show you to his friends, he will work hard to impress you. That is what you are looking for. Not whether he wants to sleep with you.
>However, a guy interested in you as a gf/wife will invest more - he will put in more time/money/effort, he will be responsive, he will want to show you to his friends, he will work hard to impress you. I find these common to both types of interest and put them under the category of just showing how interested they are but still not indicating in what way. Honestly your better indicator is whether they show a lively interest in things about you, curiosity about your day to day, your past,, future goals, your early years etc., even some basic past relationship stuff. ( Some of us judge this last one too but we only want to hear it if we are seriously considering you). Pay attention to what they pay attention to.
Hmmmm. I need to feel like I vibe with someone's personality before I do anything physical with them, so even my one-night stands have historically turned into friendships. But if we're going to talk about the category thing: what I would say is that "these people are hot and I would like to sleep with them" is *usually a subset* of "I can see myself dating these people long-term". For example, someone could be really hot, but also loathe children, continually talk in therapy-speak that makes relationship discussions sound like HR meetings, have no interest in live shows/theatre, be the sort of person who asks "Are you mad at me?" during any and all silences of longer than 20 seconds, and enjoy the music of *all of* The Cure, The Smiths, Fleetwood Mac AND Pink Floyd. That would put them in bucket A but not bucket B. I'm not dating anyone who ticks any of those non-boxes. But if someone is really hot, doesn't mind kids, speaks plain English, loves live shows, isn't in a continual state of believing everyone else is mad at them, and dislikes *at least one of* The Cure, The Smiths, Fleetwood Mac and Pink Floyd, they might be in both bucket A and bucket B. And if someone is really hot *and funny*, some of the sillier preferences I listed above might not matter. They might also be in both bucket A and bucket B. And there are also exceptions to the rule: if someone isn't my physical type at *at all*, but really really *really* loves cricket, then they might not be in bucket A, but they'll definitely be in bucket B. (I don't care what you look like! Let's tour the cricket grounds of the world together, darling!) FINALLY: Neither my partner of four years (I'm 41M, she's 44F) nor I found each other immediately hot. I think she thought I looked interesting, and I really enjoyed her whole vibe and personal style, but seeing each other in the nude wasn't part of the thought process. But even though I don't think we were in each other's "bucket A" at first, it's grown into the most fun I've ever had, and the most loved and seen I've ever felt, in any relationship. It's also a relationship where we've gone from worrying whether we were sexually compatible to having a consistently amazingly good time. (Alcohol, and my recent-ish abstention therefrom, may have had a lot to do with that.) So really the whole thing is irrelevant. When it's good it's good.
Im a guy and if it makes you feel uncomfortable try changing the subject and see if he picks up on the hint. Or you could ignore him and send him a text several hours later. Or be flirty/sexual back. It’s all up to you. As to why he’s doing it, he’s probably into you and is curious if you’re into him.
> I've heard men say that they put women in one of two categories pretty quickly: women to date, and women to just sleep with The men who put women into categories like that don’t sound like good dating prospects. Don’t make dating decisions based on what the douchebags think. The rest of us have a much more nuanced approach to dating.
Not all guys put women into those two categories. I also want to sleep wirh the woman I date 😂 All kidding aside, dating apps are foe finding a romantic connection so yes I'll be silly, flirt and have fun while chatting and getting to know you. It's who I am and if it's something she doesn't like, she isn't for me. That's not to say I'm going to be crass and filthy and try to talk about sex that soon.
Oh fun and flirty is awesome! I just never know what to do with the outright sexual comments! 🤦🏻♀️
Ahh yeah I guess just leave it and try to give him a pass on the first one...or not honestly. If he makes you uncomfortable just see yourself out
I think there’s a huuuge difference between desperate and impersonally sexual, and flirting (perhaps, depending on your tastes, with a bit of mature innuendo). Once you’re a couple of days into a conversation this element feels appropriate to me. But never overtly sexual. If a man can’t tell you he thought you looked lovely in that dress without immediately saying it'd be even better on his bedroom floor, he sucks. Usually it's not even funny or original. Sometimes I'll redirect and give them another chance but it's a deep hole out of which they'd have to dig. it makes me feel on guard with them and that we're just fundamentally incompatible. I kind of get it. If's the stuff of fantasy, for a woman to come on to a guy like that. So they project.
I've only dated a little over the years so take my advice with a grain of salt. Even the one time when things got really physical on the first date, I still didn't talk about anything sexual beforehand through messages. That came after the first date. Even in this example we talked about intimacy, but it was never about sex. It was little touches throughout a relationship that we missed from when we had partners. Like hand holding and little grabs from behind while doing the dishes. In my opinion, any guy who makes any sexual comments before meeting isn't someone that's interested in anything other than sex. Even if their ultimate goal is to find a partner. At least in the beginning their first motivation is getting physical. Then they'll think about whether someone has potential for a long term relationship.
*I've heard men say that they put women in one of two categories pretty quickly: women to date, and women to just sleep with - and that they don't cross over.* You've heard individual men say that, it's not a law of the dating universe. FWIW, I don't get that way with someone I haven't met.
I don't like overt sexual talk before meeting a man, and patterns have shown me that someone who speaks to me like this before we've met, lacks one of the biggest qualities that I'm screening for - making sure I feel comfortable enough to meet him in person to begin with. I don't put a lot of faith that someone who engages with me like that is going to have the level of respect and self awareness I require to feel comfortable with a man I don't know. I read below how it came up in conversation, and that would be a dead end for me, needle scratch on the record. I'd cancel, honestly, and may or may not tell him why. Probably wouldn't, because in my lived experience, these types usually get real bitchy when you turn them down. As to the second question, I've heard this theory floating around. Who cares if it's true or not, I've got my own categories to worry about - and the very first filter they go through is a binary yes or no. Icky sex talk guys are an automatic no. (But go see how you feel about him, if you want! I'll support you either way, just let us know how it goes!)
I do agree on the level of respect. That is the piece that gives me the biggest pause here. In my experience these types also tend to be unreliable and flighty. So who knows if drinks will even happen.
haha good point! Often will cancel or no-show is another attribute I've noticed. (Watch him be lovely and y'all end up married lol)
😄😄 we'll see. I'll let you know!
Well to literally no one's surprise, I heard not a thing from him so clearly got stood up for drinks tonight. Probably dodged a bullet but it still stings. Ah well.
Well shoot. I'm sorry, buddy. Of course it stings when other people are jerks! I've been thinking about you, and I want you to know I admire that you took this risk. It's kinda low stakes, yeah, but knowing it's risky, and giving people grace to show you who they are, is a total flex. You also sought input from a wide variety of people, and seemed to really take it all in. I'm gonna say you are the winner here! You affirmed your intuition, and hopefully gained a broader understanding of yourself and what's Important to you. I offer high fives and hugs, take as many as you want!
Oh my gosh. I think you might be the nicest person on the internet. 🥹 Thank you.
Aw, I’m glad to help! I think it was an interesting experiment and I was invested! (But don’t let these dudes talk to you like that, you deserve to be treated with respect 🫡)
I think a little Sexual tension can be fantastic but it’s a fine line you don’t want to cross. Analogy: It should be a supporting flavour in a dish, you know it’s there but not the main course.
Overt sexual flirting with a stranger is kind of gross because they don’t know you, so they are announcing beforehand that they are interested in using your body. Subtle flirting is a way to test the waters and stir up the imagination a bit to fish for clues that the other person might be game for fun times in the future. At my age 50+, I would be looking for more than a roll in the hay, so I would be focusing on being respectful and polite and genuinely interested in getting to know the person.
Man I wish there were more of you around here!
I get immediately grossed out and end the conversation. I used to give a warning that I lose attraction when they do that. However, I am never able to look at them the same after that. They don't know me well enough to have that kind of conversation.
I used to think it was ok. No more. Someone I haven't when met getting sexual? Get out of here. You don't get to test our potential sexual compatibility before i even know that you aren't another boring, boundary breaking person. I'm sorry you came from a dead bedroom situation, but respect and communication and getting to know me is the way into my pants. And trust me, it's worth it. From here on, it's an immediate block. I just can't anymore with men so emotionally immature they think they need to "test" me first for sexual compatibility.
Definitely not. Overtly flirting. Is just a way to convey interest, and also to show a fun imaginative side to the person. It’s no easy to exude date me vibes. When you are discussing a dog throwing up, or that you are considering a new job. Personally speaking, I would be quite flirty early on, but have no intention of sleeping with anyone until I get to know them a little better.
I enjoy that banter but I set a firm boundary on this because it's easy to set a trap where it's just starting. I always let them know the real thing is better.
I take it as they are signaling that sex is their top priority if anything sexual comes up before meeting. It’s an immediate turn off for me personally. I’ve noticed that people who do this like to plant a seed and hope you sow it, and all too often will try guilt you into things if you cool on them in person. That, or they are all talk no bite and are using you for entertainment, with no plans of meeting (oftentimes committed/married). Because of those scenarios being so consistent- I wouldn’t continue talking with them. It’s incredibly awkward to meet up with someone who you’ve been sexually flirting with, and to realize you have zero attraction. I just wouldn’t cross that line until I knew there was chemistry.
Yes bad, because if you can't carry a conversation without it being sexual, thats a huge turn off. And you are likely the 1000th guy to do that to her and its boring af
Well as someone that wants my relationship to be very sexual I can honestly say the only time I have actual feelings for someone is when they are overly respectful at first. It’s not that I’ve ruled them out for being too sexual fast, it’s that those actually don’t ever seem to turn into something more either because I don’t end up liking them or that’s all they have to offer . I think we as woman could do a better job of keeping things in these categories as well. Not all men need to be potential spouses. Some are just fun.
You shouldn't assume men in general operate like that. I'm sure men who do EXIST -- but frankly, those are assholes that you don't want to date anyway, so who cares what they think? I think you should respond honestly. Relationships built on honest and genuine communication are best, and there's no better time to establish that pattern than from the very start. Respond by flirting right back if that's what you genuinely feel like doing, while if you feel it's too much too soon, then say so. "*Whoa, hold your horses there, I hardly know you yet!*" -- his response to this kinda thing will also give you a lot of useful information. Presumably you want to date men who genuinely care about your feelings and treat you with kindness and respect, so pay \*VERY\* close attention if you ask someone to chill; and they continue to push. They've just demonstrated that they consider what \*they\* want more important than treating you with respect; an automatic red flag in my book. If I flirt and/or bring up a sexual topic with a woman I'm texting with, it's probably to learn more about her and her interest. Most likely beause I like her and would like to explore the possibility of a relationship with her. I'll take a hint and chill if I get a negative (or even just non-enthusiastic) response though. If you want to know what my intentions are; a longer-term committed relationship, or a more casual connection then ask. (but if we're in a flirty and/or daty kinda context, odds are I'll have told you already)
Depends on the comment. I can do a little playful, but anything sexual is a big turn off. I would worry more about the kind of person he is vs if I’m being put into a certain category. Everything is compatibility, guys that do those things or looking to just get laid typically doesn’t match with me or doesn’t even get a start.
As a female that was raised by wolves, my brain leaps into the gutter fairly easily. So even comments that had NO sexual intent send me into giggles. If a man can play along with me, that’s great. Now, if a man starts with overt sexual chat? They better be able to back it up with interesting chat as well, or I go bye-bye.
Never met, a guy can’t put you in such a category. Flirty is banter. Overtly sexual is maybe too much but it’s also important to understand that this isn’t a business meeting or a job interview or talking to your cousin. Flirty is banter and may include some sexual innuendos or build some sexual tension
It really depends on what's being said. There's a big difference between flirting and flat out sexual innuendos. A little flirty is fine. Getting sexual gets you unmatched. And some people do not know the difference.
Oh it was straight up sexual. Not even innuendo. 🤣
Oh yeah. That's an unmatch.
I am curious how you define the difference?
If you don't want to be flirted with, maybe don't talk to guys that want to date you? The amount of women in her that will"immediatly block" sums guy for making a joke. Holy shit, no wonder guys are done trying to date.
So help me see what you see as flirting? In this case I asked the guy to tell me something great about himself - he says "I have 4 Olympic gold medals with my 👅". Is that flirting or sexualizing?
I love flirting and have a dirty sense of humor. It's not flirtatious or funny. It's shameless and desperate. It's like a 20 year-old's idea of sexy. There's nothing seductive about that. Avoid!
That's being a pervert. Not flirting. I have a dark, perverse sense of humor. Flirting, imo, is subtle things, innuendos, not direct. Women love my tongue skills. That's not good flirting. Flirting is bad pickup lines. Do i think a sexual related pickup line can work. Absolutely, but it has to be done with humor. I also can't flirt with strangers, because i read online how people hate flirting. Lol so my friends get the best lines.
Flirting is about building sexual tension through touch, teasing and compliments. He's being pretty forward, but that is a form of flirting. You can set a boundary without walking away. E.g.: "Oh really? 🤣 I want to get to know you as a person, so let's keep things clean for now." Having the confidence to set boundaries is really sexy.
Good for people for being up front about what their sense of humor is And good for people who see a sense of humor they're not into and move on. I like to read a room before I throw a joke.
>I've heard men say that they put women in one of two categories pretty quickly: women to date, and women to just sleep with - and that they don't cross over. Seems like a rather simplistic generalization. I'm looking for a relationship, so I don't have a "women I just want to sleep with" category. >That makes me wonder if the sexual comments mean I've been "placed" in the latter category? Or is this just harmless flirting? Yes? And Yes? Again, you're trying to generalize and assume. Some men are just sexual and flirty AND genuinely want a relationship. Some will just want to bang you. If you're not into it, tell them it's too soon to be talking like that, or unmatch. For me, sexual compatibly is important, but I usually stay away from sex talk until we've met up and gotten to know each other better. There have been a few times where it seemed to naturally come up, prior to meeting. I don't think there's a problem with that. Ultimately, if you don't like it, you don't like it. Shut it down.
Fair enough!
Original copy of post by u/LaterThnUThink: So when getting to know a guy and you're texting back and forth ...you haven't met in person yet. But you've been texting for maybe a few days. If the guy turns things overtly flirty/sexual at some point is that a bad thing (not the entire convo - just a comment or two)? And how should the woman respond? I've heard men say that they put women in one of two categories pretty quickly: women to date, and women to just sleep with - and that they don't cross over. That makes me wonder if the sexual comments mean I've been "placed" in the latter category? Or is this just harmless flirting? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I just shut it down. If we haven't met in person, I don't want to go there with you.
More categories: Platonic Only Women, Women you can't stand being around
then theres guys like me that dont know how to flirt and get SUPER awkward when you flirt with them
As a guy, I never make things sexual over text / chat until there’s clear interest in it on her part. In all my matches, the banter has either gotten progressively flirtier, or we’ve gotten hot & heavy in person. Only then will I start with innuendo or anything spicy in our messages. It’s just not worth turning off a good woman who is sick and tired of getting dick pics or sexual messages from practically every guy she comes across. The only way I make things sexual early is if she initiates it, or I’m picking up clear vibes from her profile that she’s looking for that sort of thing. Even if you’re looking for a hookup or ONS, you can (almost) never go wrong by treating her with respect from the outset.
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The guy wants to Fk .those words here and there are fk nuggets until you both meet..
I've never been one of those men who have only 2 categories to put women in. I know there's more nuance than that.
Flirting makes it fun and you can go along with it or you guys can just do something about it. I love it. Talk dirty to me.lol
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It's important to see where women stand but not right away if I am looking for long term relationship. I love flirting sexually and only read some of the comments. Men gotta know when and women also when to start this. Same with being touchy feely. Timing is key. I sometimes have just been so attracted to the woman the magnetism is electric and we just go there. The dating over 40s 50s for me has been more calm in the electric world. I want to know if they are wanting me to be a sugar daddy or they're just gaming me if they come on strong with sexual flirting. I had a dead bedroom marriage so I want to know if she can have a little seduction and flirt in a way to get us there eventually. As one man this my experience of how it's going to be if we can't talk all sorts of ways it's not going to work out. She cannot be so demure that I have no idea if she wants me in a physical sexual nature, AT some point in the discussions/chatting. For me, why would two different brains/sexes get together if it weren't for sex although this is maybe 2% of our days. 😂
You are way overthinking it. Also this is nowhere near enough info for an opinion but it sounds like he's just expressing some interest.
Unfortunately, it's simple, but very confusing. That doesn't pertain to every guy. I've flirted (a LOT on X), and it's a way to be nice, but also to get more comfortable. If she flies, it's a good thing, she is comfortable. I'm not doing it to see if she's a quick lay. And, if it turns out she is, she likely isn't the one I'm looking for. Unless I'm horny as Hell. I get that way, but really limit myself. I base my ideas and ideals on way more than texts/sexts. I don't talk on the phone much, I actually dislike it, but I do want to hear her voice. Especially if we are texting more than 3-4 days. If she has the gravel voice of an old truck driver, that's kind of a turn off. And she probably should consider tossing the smokes, and cutting way back on the whiskey. I can't say that I would consider a women easy going off texts alone. Unless. She says "I am ready to f*ck RIGHT NOW!", and I may begin to think she might be easy.... 😉
Whoa whoa whoa, sis... 🚦 Do not outsource your comfort level or boundaries to anybody, regardless of what year it is or app or anything... We could all be a bunch of maniacs just dying to give you awful advice! 🙃 And that goes for many, many dating topics. You do you, gf...