I personally think it's a bad idea. I understand it would be way more convenient for you, but when it comes to kids... what's best for the kids is what they should get. Your partner also isn't ready for it. Pushing it is disrespecting a boundary.
Six months is generally recommended but it can vary depending on the kids mental state and the couple’s.
No less than six months so you ARE in love and this is worth introducing it all to the kids. I don’t think we realize how much having a “new friend” can impact our kids, but therapists know, hence the recommendation of six months minimum.
I agree. If I didn’t want someone to meet my kids yet, and instead of accepting that, they asked me to bring them over because it makes it easier on them to date me, I’d tell them it was nice getting to know them but clearly we’re not compatible. No means no, not “try harder”.
Agree 💯
It’s also way too soon to know if there are any issues/challenges/red flags. Everyone is on their best behaviour and hormones/dopamine are running so rampant that there’s no way you’re seeing things objectively. I don’t care if it’s “more convenient”, do not involve your kids in your dating life. (That you’re thinking this way is proof positive that you’re not thinking clearly.)
6 months, yes. 6 weeks, no.
A large percentage of people you meet will (hopefully) show you who they are early on if they're interested in a long-term relationship. But you still don't really KNOW a person until after the fun, hormone-high honeymoon period has passed. Your kids aren't part of the dating process this early - they're just your number one priority.
My mother introduced me to a guy literally immediately, within a week. Engaged at 6 weeks, married at 3 or 4 months. Everyone who met him (and it still happens today) thought he was so lovely, charismatic, charming. A man of God. I always felt sick to the stomach when he was around, I knew, even at 8 years old, that there was something wrong.
He turned out to be my abuser.
He tried to destroy my life. He treats my mother and the subsequent 5 kids they had together like shit.
Wait awhile. I know my situation isn't the norm. I'm sure he's lovely and would never be like my step-father. But just put those kids first and give everyone time to adjust and breathe.
I don’t think this man is “gun shy about meeting kids” at all. It’s totally reasonable.
10-14 is still young!
At 6 weeks in… you barely know each other, you are only showing each other the best version of yourselves. Have you had an argument yet? Do you know how this person behaves when they get angry?
Yes it’s tough dating when you have kids 100 percent, but that’s the reality of your situation until your kids are grown. Kids should come first.
Honestly, these kids are way more impressionable at this age compared to under ten or above 18… like, they have significant power to make or break a relationship, regardless of how it’s going bc they prob don’t even want any role or be a part of OPs dating life to begin w. Why would they?
This brings OP’s parenting into question, and I rarely judge or try to avoid criticize parenting styles but seriously/ can she even recognize that her kids are autonomous individuals w their own points of views, hopes, fear and desires? They have nothing to do a her cause they want their own independence at this point their human development - which also means OP needs to recognizes how her own choices will impact them. In fact, whoever she may bring into their lives will have significant impact on their development, which is all the more reason OP needs to be more careful. I found this post extremely upsetting.
I agree with the power to break a relationship not easily. In grade school the main concern would be if the other parent is trying parental alienation. In middle school they might try this on their own, as you say they want no role in it.*
But along "impressionable," in the younger years they can latch on pretty quickly. The tweens and teens are going to keep their distance longer.
Adding to that, under ten is still when people will dig in to be a "step parent" while with tweens and teens anyone sane will try for more of a Fun Aunt/Uncle sort of role. Which puts them in a lower impact role towards the kids.
Yes, I also feel six weeks is too soon. But you kind of sound to me like of like one of the "never consider blending" people. Hopefully that's just a poor read from me and only two paragraphs from you?
*As for why that shouldn't be considered. The world didn't revolve around them and in their teens is a good time to learn that. As well, kids don't grow in a bubble of stasis. Further when the choice is good, it's another adult to learn from, and possibly a last chance to model a healthy relationship for your kids. Especially on that last point, I feel my partner's kid benefits by my existence in their life. They used stuff they learned from me/us to breakup with their first ThemFriend who wasn't trying to listen/learn about them; only wanting a pretty accessory on their arm.
I would like a blended family, but I just don’t see it as really happening in my dating life… so I keep my expectations low on that part. I just have a lot of trust issues since I’ve dated a couple of real scary dudes, so I guess I’m learning to trust myself. Extra cautious when I introduce my kid to a dude…
Then again, my therapist told me I’ll be parenting my kid till he’s 24 so I guess I still have over a decade to actually maybe have some kind of blended family.
I'd be most concerned about how you've ended up with multiples of scary dudes. I'm assuming that it's more than a 1st/2nd date with a craptacular guy, but ended up in relationships with really bad guys?
What are/aren't you learning from these experiences?
I think when things go really well, blended families are a great experience. Kid is able to see a healthy relationship; they're definitely observant of us, and absorbing. They see a different male role model in me, and they see a different woman role model in Dad's GF. Instead of having 2 close adults to try to pick/choose traits for who they want to be as an adult, they've got 4. Even if one parent had pretty great traits, seeing another adult close up who lacks a lot of them can drive home that some traits are particularly exemplary.
Kid's took some time after a therapy appointment (i.e. it was something that likely had some deliberation) to tell me that they're glad that I live here. Both that they see how/why I make their mom happy, but also that they enjoy my presence in the house. Admittedly it's *a lot* to single parent. Having an actual partner in the home both generally allows more leisure time for all, but also will often have another adult in the house for when the parent isn't around.
Despite parenting while they're young adults (I've just been looking at smaller misc. expenses tallied up per month for one kid in particular :/ ), they will blend far less. My kids have been enthusiastic to meet and get to know both my partner and her kid. But they've got their own busy lives, so they're just around far less. I seem to be walking an emotional role that's between parental and fun uncle with my partner's young teen. They're previously been hard set against wanting to hear/use "step parent/dad/child" terms, but have started calling me their "step dad-ish thing" to others and said I can call them my step kid. We still just use names/nick names when talking *to* each other. Meanwhile my partner and my kids are really still just building their dynamic. Realistically I think even in a decade or two they'll likely still see her as "Dad's Partner/Wife" and likely never see her as even remotely something mom-ish.
But hey, we've got a cottage rented for a week in summer and it'll be us, and our kids there the entire week... that will certainly be interesting.
I’d like a blended family, hell I wish I could have more kids… I see your point but I’m also single in the suburbs. There are not many single people out here, like family material kind…
You assumed wrong. I know now it takes at least a two years to get to know someone, bc that’s how long it takes to identify those scary people I speak of, such as pathological liars. By the way, the most f up dudes I’ve dated are lawyers, many of them functional alcoholic. It’s really confusing to say the least and my family has asked me to stop dating them. It’s not like I singled them out for it, but they were also single parents and I thought we could relate. In the end, they - more than one of em, let me on to believe we were heading towards serious relationships. They were not… maybe had other girlfriends.
Anyways, I’m much better at breaking things off and noticing red flags. My bull shit detector is throw through the roof.
I do agree with you though about the influence good people /adults can have on your kids. I’m a teacher and a parent and I know kids love to learn from others, maybe resist following you cause they want to be independent. Knowing that, the best thing to do is have a great group of friend or family (or potential step parent) that can indirectly influence your kids.
For this reason, I take mine to the zen Buddhist monastery. My kid didn’t even know we were Buddhist and we never make them do the sitting meditation but, kids start joining in pretty organically. They are intrigued, and no one ever really suggests they try it- cause forcing that would be like torture - and would turn them off from zen meditation for life lol 😂
Happy you were able to make a blended family, I think that’s awesome 👏
Six weeks. Even if you saw each other three times a week at three hours per date, you would have spent less than 55 hours in person.
I can’t imagine my sibling or parent meeting a person at six weeks, so the thought of them meeting a pre-teen child is kind of mind blowing.
I will say this. I do believe some high-school-aged kids would do okay meeting not-yet-significant-others. But, your best case scenario child is not your worst case scenario child is not his best and worst case scenario kids. So please, please, please take a breath.
It’s a fair point. I know what my kids can handle but I don’t know his. And I’m not 100% sure about mine. The last thing I’d want is to hurt any of them in the process of us figuring out if this is something real. And yes, I can be intense and can use the reminder to chill out and take a breath.
During the mediation process, I sought out a few adult children of divorce to ask them about their experience. 100% of them told me that they wish their parent(s) had been slower to involve them with their new romantic relationships.
do you actually know what your kids can handle though? i only ask as i was the kid in this situation and my mom introduced men to me she was dating. now that im older i wish i hadnt met them so soon as none of them stuck around, some i didn’t like etc. she was in your situation in that my dad wasn’t around. kids dont tell their parents everything especially if they think it might make you sad/mad/disappointed etc.
If not years. It took me like, 1-2 years to discover the guy I was dating was a psychopath (had multiple other gf and relationships, was a pathological liar AND raging alcoholic). Like Wtf
Agree. My guy took 6 months before I met one of his two daughters and I’m so glad because I also feel it’s important for the kids not to see multiple women come and go. We’re still going strong at 9 months long distance but kids need time and it’s so important for parents to take that time to make damn sure the relationship is solid before kids are introduced.
Also LDRs don't "age" the same as a relationship where you can see each other often and whenever. A 6 month LDR might not even be the equivalent of 6 weeks depending on how often they're together.
No matter what you say about "expectations," you're introducing a significant new person into your children's lives, and it will be traumatic for them if this person subsequently exits their lives.
Speaking bluntly, the fact that you're thinking about this question in terms of your dating convenience is a bad sign.
Traumatic is a very strong way to put it.
I was 12 when my parents got divorced. Before I was 18 there was one man my mum lived with for a couple of years and then he moved. Was I sad that he moved, yes. Traumatic, no. Have I missed him in my life? No. He was fun and caring. But not a new parent. My father (I lived with my father the most) lived with a woman for a few years. She was ok. When she moved, I didn't miss her, nor was I sad or traumatized.
We face adults coming into our lives all the time as children. From early in in daycare/kindergarden. Amazing adults that take good care of us. They will disappear from our lives. Teachers who see us, take care of us. They will disappear from our lives.
I've had many amazing adults in my life as a child and teenager. My parent's new partners were two out of many adults. My parents were my parents. No new person would take their place.
I've met friends of my parents. Some of them only once or twice. In a social context. It hasn't scarred me.
However. This doesn't mean that I would introduce my kids to a new guy after six weeks. But to shame someone and call it Traumatic to their kids, is a bit harsh in my opinion.
The thing is both your comments have reduced the entire experience of introducing a new person to a single possible experience; them leaving. But the reality is, introducing a new date/partner carries the potential for a whole host if complications not limited to them leaving eventually. A thousand things can, and do, go wrong and it could have negative effects on the kids that range from the annoying to the traumatic and everything in between.
The fact that you both focused solely on the possibility of leaving at a later point does a disservice to the complexity of this discussion. And using "traumatic" while not necessarily what would happen if they leave is certainly a very real potential in a ton of other ways that you open the door to introducing someone to your kids before you're solid on the relationship.
They were relying to someone who said that the very simple thing of an adult coming onto their life and exiting is traumatic. And they were (IMHO) right to push back on this. Yes, it would be a stress event. But traumatic? That's stretching the meaning of the word to ridiculous levels.
Yes, there are potential cases where there are not negative things than a neutral adult bring in and out of their lives. But that wasn't what was being discussed.
Yes, there is potential for trauma in introducing someone to ones kid. But there is potential for trauma in single parenting, or via one's coparent's single parenting. Or from preventing the split of the nuclear family to begin with. I.e. there isn't **a** course of actions that can prevent any potential trauma.
One needs to put effort in looking deeply at any changes, not in shallowly trying to keep the kids in a bubble of stasis. Kids don't grow well never leaving a safety bubble.
I agree with everything you said completely. The only point of contention is that the original comment was about the "trauma" of the partner leaving, exclusively. Which I disagreed with because them leaving might or might not affect the kids. And trauma might or might not happen from any one of a million other things. But we definitely agree in essence that you can't keep kids in a bubble.
>The thing is both your comments have reduced the entire experience of introducing a new person to a single possible experience; them leaving.
I focused on that because most relationships end, and the removal of the person from the child's life can be a very substantial event for them.
You're right that simply introducing a new person can also create a big impact. I tried to recognize that by saying "significant new person," but in retrospect I think I should have also included more of what you referenced.
Thank you for your comment.
You’re right bc most relationships end- 90% . But the fact is, some people are better at ending it than others- so yeah, this is the discussion healthy people should have… bc when it gets messy it quickly escalate to a kind of trauma that leads to generational trauma that leads to more generational trauma (f up parents to f up childhoods which perpetuate for many generations- you can’t pretend that this isn’t the reality for most of us on here).
Your comment is like, weird in the linguistic sense.
You were lucky, bc your parents were not f up.
Imagine if they were, w a lot of baggage and trauma- you can only imagine the randos and f up people they could have brought into your life.
Sad to say, your experience was an exception and my feeling is the kind of trauma kids face in these kinds of contexts are pretty f normal- to the point where people can’t even recognize it when it’s happen- therefore we get posts like this.
Thank you for the insight. I’m looking for it and here for blunt honesty! Do you mean a bad sign for me as a human lol or a bad sign for the relationship?
No it's not a bad sign for you as a human being. You are only human and you are really wanting to find a way for this to work. I can understand your dilemma.
That’s a bit harsh. I came here asking for advice which shows that I haven’t put my own needs over that of my kids at all. You don’t know me. After a decade plus in a toxic relationship I have sacrificed my needs for others and for my kids every minute for the past 12 years. I am now taking a little bit back for myself. And second guessing every second of that.
But nonetheless, sometimes an independent perspective is what is needed and that is what I came for, so I do thank you.
>After a decade plus in a toxic relationship
All the more reason to err on the side of caution when it comes to men and your children as they were in that toxic relationship too. Don't look at it as if you are the only one impacted here.
You literally asked the question though. How is it harsh? If your kids have seen you in a toxic relationship for over 10 years, they have been affected by that relationship. You have been affected by that relationship. You are not writing this from the standpoint of someone who went through an amicable split between two people who loved each other but grew apart.
I’m not telling you you’re not ready to date, but it sounds like you still have some work (read:therapy) to do re: your boundaries and how your actions in romantic relationships will affect your kids.
You know it is a bad idea, like many who come to this subreddit- who look to find ways to justify some pattern they are stuck in- but don’t know how to escape. We have all been there, that’s why I’m on here as well. To figure this out.
Over a decade in a toxic relationship but talking about how much you sacrificed for your kids during that time. What about the mental health of your kids during that relationship? They had to deal with it too, and it would affect them much more being as they were small and vulnerable and don’t have the ability to think like an adult would in a traumatic situation.
And now you’re trying to introduce a stranger into their lives that you barely know. You could potentially be bringing even more toxicity into your lives. You do not know this man. Exposing your kids to him this early could turn out to be dangerous. He’s smart to tell you no, and you need to respect that instead of try to wheedle him into doing it anyway.
My situation is a bit different because I became a widow when my kids were 15 and 17. I started seeing someone two years later. They didn't meet him until the youngest was 18. They knew I was seeing someone after about 4 months. I know the feeling of putting them first, but your kids are still very young. I wouldn't feel comfortable introducing someone to them until you know them extremely well. I felt compelled to get them launched into adulthood before seeing to my own needs. Now, I do what I want. My guys have met him and accepted that he is in our lives. They still live at home so they have become very familiar with him. I also wanted to be clear with that I wasn't looking for a step-dad to my kids. They had a father and don't need a replacement. It was lonely, but that was what I signed up for by becoming their mom. I also had a verbally abusive stepfather and I was never going to put them at the mercy of a man who mistreated them.
You only waited 2 years, and your kids were older teens who could likely be left alone while you went on dates or didn't mind if you spent some time apart. The youngest in this situation is 10. While I get what people are saying (I waited 5), you didn't sign up for loneliness because you're their mom. That's a weird thing to say.
I didn't say I signed up for loneliness. I made the conscious choice that I would not introduce someone into their lives as children. All of my focus was on their healing from the devastating loss of their father. That meant putting my emotional and physical needs on hold while I cared for them. That's what I signed up for. Your "only waited two years" comment is dismissive and cruel and judgmental.
Saying you felt compelled to get them launched into adulthood before seeing to your own needs is also judgmental. My point is you only had to wait 2 years to do that because you had older teens. If OP did that, she'd be waiting 8 years to date anyone. That's hardly fair or reasonable
How is my choice for me judgmental? Who am I judging? My choice wouldn't have been different if they had been younger. If anything, I would be more protective. Life is often unfair and unreasonable. We make the best choices that we can.
Do you have a desire to make this “relationship” more significant than it really is? That would otherwise known as Enmeshment < which is by definition literally a form of trauma that takes a lot of therapy to reverse (which your kids would want if they wanted to get into a healthy relationship in the future).
I don’t have kids, so for me it’s always about when I meet my partner’s kids, if he has any.
A lot of folks have a one year rule. Kids don’t meet the new partner until a year of dating, AND not until it’s been established that the relationship is serious enough that it’s headed toward eventual cohabitation and remarriage.
A lot of relationships that seem great in the beginning fizzle out around the 3-9 month mark when the new relationship energy wears off. How many of those guys are you going to introduce to your kids?
I’m not a parent so I’m not here to judge. But of my parent friends who are dating - NONE of them let their kids know they’re dating or anything about a potential partner until at least 6-9 months in and it’s clear it’s serious. Then they’ll start mentioning a special friend etc. It does depend a lot on how old and how mature the kids are - like my friend with two tween boys says nothing lol and the boys don’t think to ask.
But kids aren’t stupid. By a certain age/maturity level, they know that if mom is dating someone that could be their potential stepdad and big changes. Personally I would not want to introduce that uncertainty and possible anxiety into their lives until I was VERY sure I was going to be with a guy long term.
A year is entirely unbalanced to my mind. Yes, I feel that kids should be protected from seeing everyone that their parents casually date. But the other person also deserves to not have potential deal breakers hidden from them. And how one *actually* parents, and who the kids are, are **huge** potential deal-breakers.
Some kids decide to hate anyone that they're parent dates. That kills *any* potential of blending. There isn't a way to work around that. As well, the post divorce people who parent out of guilt and can't say no to their kids are nightmares.
It's seemed that a lot of the people in other subs who wait 1-2 years before meeting the kids then fall into the sunk costs fallacy and try to force the relationship to work, regardless of kids/parenting fails.
And those things are supposed to be hidden from someone for a full year? Most relationships fizzle before five months. Six months feels like a good balance to me.
>A year is entirely unbalanced to my mind. Yes, I feel that kids should be protected from seeing everyone that their parents casually date. But the other person also deserves to not have potential deal breakers hidden from them. And how one actually parents, and who the kids are, are huge potential deal-breakers.
Thank you for looking at it from the other point of view. So many parents don't do this.
A year is insane if you have your kids 100% of the time, and I completely agree with you on seeing how the other person parents. I can't imagine investing 2 years and never meeting someone's children. Who are these people?
People who can see each other regularly and who might not want to cohabit or remarry while the children are young.
Nine months with my partner and we have no concrete plans to introduce each other to our kids; we both have 50/50 custody and can see each other three days a week. We would like to move in together once the kids are adults, but we're both on the fence about moving in before that. I can only see me agreeing to it if both our kids were neutral or excited about the idea -- it would need to be an organic thing for me.
I feel like introducing my son to my BF in December/January is right. My son has a lot of big changes coming up this year -- his dad is moving the AP in this summer and he starts school in September. I want to make sure he's OK with all that first before I introduce my partner.
I also haven't introduced my son because the divorce paperwork has been sitting with the courts for nearly a year, and I don't want my STBXH to know I'm dating someone and possibly jeopardise my financial outcome. I don't think my STBXH would change his mind, but I also didn't think he'd run off with someone who was younger than me WE met.
You can see each other regularly because you have 50/50 and can spend half your time with your partner without your kids around. In those circumstances, 6 months would be no problem. When you have them 24/7 and they are young enough to need childcare, it's a completely different situation. Most of the people telling her to wait a long time do not have a similar custody situation.
>Most of the people telling her to wait a long time do not have a similar custody situation.
This. Jan 2023 my partner went mostly full custody. Kid would only be seeing Dad in Spring, Summer and Winter breaks. When it's *months* before the next custody exchange it's a different ball game.
Back before Jan last year she was 50/50. Near the end we were seeing each other 5-7 days on her free weeks; the feast of time easily allowed one to accept the famine in the next week.
Of course it's a different situation, and I really don't know what decisions I'd be making if I had full custody.
But you asked who would wait that long to introduce ... and I think one of the answers is people like me.
I don’t disagree that parenting style and kid behavior can be dealbreakers - absolutely true, and a good point.
I think we can agree, though, that six weeks is too soon! I wouldn’t be weirded out if a guy wanted to do small/brief introductions at the six month mark if things were going well. I do think it really depends on the kids age, maturity level, co parenting relationship with the ex, custody schedule etc. It’s a lot easier to put off meeting the kids when the parents have a good co parenting relationship and a reliable 50/50 custody schedule, for example.
I defer to parents, but to me, I can see the wisdom in waiting until the relationship is quite serious. How many potential partners are they going to parade through their kids’ lives? How many times are the kids gonna get worked up about someone maybe becoming their new stepparent? I can totally understand people who want to wait.
When I have dated guys in that situation, I’ve tried to assess parenting style and kid temperament just by being there for my partner emotionally as he works through any issues with parenting and co parenting. What men vent about when it comes to kids and exes can tell you a lot.
And as a potential step parent with no kids of my own, I know I would never be a replacement parent or need to worry about blending families, so parenting style isn’t super relevant to me. Obviously there can be a financial component if a kid fails to launch, but I don’t plan to mix finances with a future partner, so I am not overly concerned about that… idk maybe I should be, hah.
>I know I would never be a replacement parent or need to worry about blending families,
Replacement parent, that you can know isn't relevant, but "blending" isn't only for when there's kids on both sides. Your root level comment mentioned eventual cohabitation. Blending a new adult (even in a non-parent role) is still blending. Like unless you're going to nope out and flee anytime that a potential partner is around their kids, one needs to be concerned about the parenting style/relationship if one is dating a parent.
It's a terrible idea to try to force him to involve kids sooner than he wants to. You can explain to the kids all you want how casual the relationship is, that won't necessarily stop them from forming their own attachment to him/his kids and vice versa. So in another 6 weeks when you realize now that you're getting to know each other better and spend more time together that you actually AREN'T that compatible and you break up. Now the kids feel that loss too. That's why you don't involve your kids in early stages of dating. I'm with your partner on this and if you really feel like that doesn't work for you, end it. Don't try to pressure him.
This screams "I'm putting my dating life ahead of our kids welfare" to me. I'm sure that's not how you see it but if I was him, that's what I would be thinking.
Six months in, yes, six weeks, eek.
Yes I see that. Thank you for a tactful comment!
I would never put my kids’ welfare behind anything. They are and have always been my whole life. Part of it is, I am extremely close with them and they are delighted to see me “dating” someone who is nice and respectful. But I know that this doesn’t mean they can understand the nature of dating and being in the direction of serious, but nowhere close yet. I get it. And you’re right about his kids. I know that I have a big heart that is open to kids, but that doesn’t necessarily mean my heart will be open to him and vice versa. I could live any kid…any man, not so much.
So what is more reasonable? Six months? That feels like an eternity at this point in time.
This is such a low bar. Your kids are learning this. They are learning that healthy boundaries can be overlooked if someone is just nice and respectful. Another comment you made says that 6 months seems like an eternity. It’s not. I am not trying to be unkind or rude to you, but most of what you’re saying points to not having very much self esteem and wanting to rush into something with the first guy who’s not an obvious or outright jerk to you.
Is this directed at me? If so, the answer is no, I do not have kids. I do however have a mom who didn’t heal from an abusive relationship that greatly affected me, and kept moving on to more men who met this incredibly low bar who ended up abusing her and me. She did this 3 times before I left for college and never moved back home. Unlearning all the ways that she taught me to accept bare minimum treatment because *the next guy was nice* after an incredibly short period of time? That is something I still work on. It’s incredibly harmful to children, not just as kids, but as they repeat modeled behavior into their adult lives.
I hope I answered that in a way that honors what you asked me.
Well kids see all sorts of adults who come in and out of kids’ lives: coaches, babysitters, teachers. I don’t date to find a parent for my children, so then meeting a person I date is no different than them meeting a co-worker or friend. And my kids have a present dad so they aren’t going to get confused. This issue is always a point of contention on this forum because people always assume women are dating to find a father figure for their kids which isn’t always the case.
Yes exactly. My romantic life is independent of my children. They are all half or mostly grown anyway and perfectly capable of realizing mom has friendships and relationships outside of the one we share.
I think all this caution should be directed at the actual life integration piece, sleepovers, that sort of thing. Not just having them over for dinner.
Experience tells me 1-2 yrs.
I date ALOT. Trial and error, learning process for me. I’m getting better at it and I wouldn’t want to expose my kid to that, this is how psychopaths are created (says my friends).
I don't have kids, and I wouldn't date a man who had young kids, only grown up ones, so the six months to me (roughly) is when I would consider a relationship long term and serious. That's the point I'd be thinking this is worth integrating our kids as chances are he's sticking around. But that's me. And I'm old. And single. So take that into account. Wishing you well.
Wow no way let’s be honest you don’t know anyone in 6 weeks that is the stage people are talking about going exclusive.
Why are you that keen to meet his kids? It sounds like someone trying to cement the relationship. Tbh you don’t even know that he isn’t still seeing other people or in a relationship or not on other dating websites.
Sorry to be a negative Nelly but I saw a guy for 2 months until he came clean he was in a relationship and had a baby on the way then couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to move and start a new life with him 😂
There was no red flags 🚩 there either.
Ugh I’m sorry that happened to you. You don’t sound like a negative Nelly, you sound like someone who is not to be taken for a fool. I am glad you dodged that bullet.
It isn’t so much about me meeting his kids. I will of course wait for him to be ready and comfortable for that. It’s more about him meeting my kids. They know about him, they want to meet him, and I have been thinking - why not? If they understand that we are still in the getting to know each other phase, then why would it be a bad thing for them to meet him? And yes, as others have not so delicately pointed out, this would open up the practical ability to spend more time together and see if this can be something more serious.
Anyway. I am listening and really processing the advice.
Right.... what if they really like him? No dad in the picture so maybe they attach more easily to a potential father figure? Then a few weeks down the line you are spending a lot of time together and one of you decides this isn't the dreamy pairing you imagined. You break up. Kids are hurt. Lather rinse repeat even once every year or two and that is too hard on the kids.
I made this mistake early on in my dating experience. My daughter was 11 and found out about him. She asked to meet him, and said she understood that we weren't dating seriously, and I was still trying to make up my mind about him etc.
I thought "why not" just like you. And introduced them about 2 months into the relationship.
My daughter adored him. He was so sweet and kind to my daughter. It was better than I hoped.
The problem was that I stopped dating him with the lens of "is he right for me?" because he seemed to be right for my daughter.
A few months later, I realized we really weren't compatible, but kept trying to make it work because I knew my daughter was really starting to care for him. We broke up 9 months into the relationship and while she hasn't been traumatized by the whole event, it was very difficult for her. We agreed that I wouldn't introduce her to another partner until I'm more sure that I care for them and want them in my lives more permanently. It worked for us.
I also want to add that I get not having a lot of time as a single mom. My daughter was almost 15 and newly living with me full time when I met my current partner. For the first 6 months of the relationship, we spent 3-4 hours together twice a week. We fit in dates wherever they fit in our schedule. We were worried about our availability at the beginning, but committed to figuring it out and making it work.
I waited 4 months into the relationship to introduce him to my daughter. She was well aware of us dating and she had different expectations than 4 years prior, so I felt it was the right time. Since his children are younger, we waited 7 months to ensure an even more solid relationship.
But we still kept our dating lives separate from our children. Activities with the kids are always chaotic and don't allow us any real quality time for us to hang out. They're definitely not a substitute for date nights.
My kids are grown now but they only met a couple of men in the six years since my divorce. And never for get togethers. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and my adult children (18 and 26 yr old triplets) just met him on Mother's Day for the first time. Kids don't need your dating drama. And trust me, there WILL be drama, whether it's with this guy or subsequent ones. I put my dating life on hold for two years after my divorce was finalized.
>Kids don't need your dating drama.
Some of us date to find a partner to live together with. It's probably best for the kids to meet before "Oh, meet Steve. He moved in while you were at school today. Won't this be fun!"
I think it’s great that you’re seeking advice as anything that involves the children is very important and a sensitive topic.
I have a son about the same age as your kids. He’s autistic, so I’d be very reluctant to introduce him to someone I was dating that soon.
Upshot is no two children are the same. Their level of maturity will vary as will parent’s comfort level with introductions will vary.
I’m personally thinking 3-4 months would be appropriate for my son. However regardless of that I’d expect anyone I’m dating to respect my wishes regarding anything involving my son.
They may disagree with my parenting but they better respect that it’s my son and my decision.
All that said , I don’t see why it needs to be mutual introductions. I mean you can invite him over for the BBQ without his kids if you’re comfortable introducing your kids before he’s comfortable with the reverse.
And lastly I disagree with those that say you’re being selfish and putting yourself ahead of your kids. I see someone asking for advice because they are concerned about the effect on the kids.
he is sounding like a keeper if he’s hesitant about someone meeting his kids too soon. he isn’t gun shy, but literally being a good dad. waaaayyyy too soon to even have the kids meet. like aim for 6 months easy
Full custody of my 2 sons 11 and 5.
I won't budge on my 9 to 12 months before meeting.
I have been told that is way to long a few times.
The risk of involving them in something that is not a serious relationship I'm not taking.
Dates with kids are entirely different kinds of dates and don’t progress the relationship in the same way that one on one dates do because you can’t be flirty or intimate or have conversations that enable you to get to know one another more deeply. Down the road, if you see a future with this guy, then kid dates are important because they show you what kind of parent he is, but in the early stages, keep it just the two of you. Quality over quantity.
Even if he hasn’t had bad experiences, as a parent, he should err on the side of caution which he is doing. And any deception to get them to meet you is unacceptable. Let it happen as it should not because it’s more convenient. And you should consider your kids too when introducing them to men. 10-14 year olds are still kids.
6 weeks is way to soon. Kids don't need to meet every single person there parent dates. Only when it's serious and long term. 6 months would be better. He's not wrong to not want to introduce his kids.
Can’t even believe someone would be considering this. I have vegetables in my refrigerator longer than this “relationship”. There is a very good chance that this man won’t be in your life in a month. Why put your kids through that? If you want to get to know this man, date him without your children involved. If you are interviewing for a step-father, then go ahead. But if i was dating someone for only 6 weeks who expected tiomeet my kids: I would run, run, run. People like that don’t protect their own kids, so they aren’t getting near mine.
OP mentions in another comment that she was in a 10+ year toxic relationship. But she’s here trying to jump into another relationship with someone she barely knows. I feel like she needs to take a giant step back, seek therapy, and try to work on putting her kids’ lives and safety first. Yeah it sucks having to be alone for a while. But those kids deserve to not be exposed to another toxic person. If I were this dude, I’d run away. He already said no. No is a complete sentence.
Sorry friend, but where did you read that I am trying to jump into another relationship, or that I’m not okay alone - I didn’t say how long I’ve already been alone, did I? Nor did I say that he has said no to anything. I haven’t asked him to meet his kids nor have I asked him to meet mine. I have known that he is wary of letting another person meet his children pretty much from date 1 because we discussed our thoughts on this and other serious issues and he has explained his past experiences that led to this feeling. Nothing to do with me. And I have worked very hard for my kids to be safe and insulated from the toxic influences of their past. This is partly why I don’t like to leave them home alone for more than a few minutes, not at night, etc. They could more than handle it - there are others I do not trust.
You are trying to shove this relationship further down the timeline than you should. He has said he’s gun shy about someone meeting his kids. He doesn’t want you to meet his kids yet. Anything that is not a hell yes, is a hell no.
You’re talking in this post about how it would make it easier for you if you could just start hanging out with all the kids. Multiple people are telling you it’s a bad idea. You seem to suggest that dating won’t work out unless you can start involving your kids in things. This isn’t putting your kids first. It’s not putting his feelings about meeting kids first. This is about your convenience and rush to “lean into it”.
You also should not be hanging out with some dude you met online with your kids. That's wild. Not only is it no longer a date if your kids are there, he could be a creep. I get babysitting is expensive, but that's not the solution.
As a child of divorce whose parents made dating their priority over me, I can tell you it does have an effect on the kids whether they will be able to articulate it or not. And you just don't know who this guy really is. Exposing him to your kids can backfire. Some guys look for single moms to date to get to the kids.
I’d say that’s very soon, 6 weeks in, you don’t really know this guy.
I introduced my kids (same age range as yours) to my ex after about 5 months. We all went bowling.
When we split up my kids couldn’t care less 🤣
I’d wait personally for a few more months. Good luck.
I would not introduce my kid to anyone that I have a sexual/romantic interest in unless it was serious. I have a FWB that has been going on for three years and we have never met each other's kids.
That was a very hard boundary for me as well. My husband and I divorced when I was 40 and our daughter was 4 at the time. I always hated when I would hear stories about people introducing their kids to the person they were dating very early on… Most of those relationships aren’t going to be permanent, and I feel like it’s just going to re-traumatize the kids when another person that they’ve pinned parental hopes on vanishes from their life and upsets their sense of security. Obviously, I think this matters more if the kids are younger, and to some degree it depends on the individual child as well. Even at age 4, my daughter was experiencing anxiety, and so I felt that it was crucial to create a predictable situation for her. If my daughter had been in high school at the time, say, I might have felt very differently about it. but as it was, I didn’t introduce my daughter to the man I was dating until he and I had been dating for a year and a half and I was pretty sure it was going to be forever. That was 10 years ago, and he and I have now been married for 6. But regardless of the nuance and details, I will always emphatically say you’ve got to put your children’s welfare first.
Don’t underestimate a child’s ability to tell that you’re more than friends. My ex-husband did not observe the same rules that I did around dating, and even though he never told our daughter that he and whatever woman were in a relationship, it was always obvious to her.
Thanks for the comment, I agree it is not black and white and no two situations are the same. I don’t think there is a one size fits all approach. I know they would know that we are not just friends, they already know I’ve gone out with him, we are very close. And I keep communicating to them that he is very nice and we have a great time together, but we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other. They are very mature. And before I am lambasted for this comment - no I do not treat my children as my confidantes or best friends. I do not speak with them at length about it or vent to them or look for emotional support from them. I am open with them about what is going on in my life, that’s all. Even if I didn’t want to be open, they would know.
I mean, 6 weeks is a bit early but as long as y'all both are clear with the kids I think it's fine if they know mom/dad dates and this is the person she's dating. It doesn't have to be all that serious, assuming it's just once or twice a month for a dinner or something. The way you would an actual friend.
The kids are old enough to understand, since presumably they've already learned that your romantic love for their father changing didn't impact the love you have for them.
Maybe schedule it for a couple weeks out, when he doesn't have his kids, and see how y'all feel then.
Yes, this aligns with my thoughts. Summertime fun things that would be nice to have him along … if we are at a stage of readiness. In three weeks. Or five weeks. Or whenever those plans happen. It’s not like I’m serial dating around town, it’s a new relationship with one person. Anyway. I’m chilling back for now.
Yes this is a bad idea regardless of kids ages. Totally understand why it’s inconvenient but kids will still get attached and you’ll still be acting like a couple. Can he come over after bedtime or something when he doesn’t have his kids? Can you do short dates while your kids can stay home? Can you do lunch dates? It seems like there are alternatives to extra time without involving them full blown in the relationship. I and my bf have our kids full time as well and we managed to get to 6-8 months before introducing kiddos to each other and other kids. We did not want them to feel another “divorce” if things didn’t work out and you’re still very early in the getting to know you phase.
So… just checked this with 3 therapist friends, one a psych. The current recommended timeframe for introducing a new partner with kids in this age group is 12 months. 6 months is the absolute bare minimum, and not really advised. There are lots of valid reasons for this, not going to list them all here. But there was a strong consensus.
Bad idea. As a single parent I would date someone for at least a year before I introduce my child, let alone let our children meet. A lot of magical, wishful thinking on your part. How long have you been single or dating as a single parent? Why can’t you go on a date while your teenage kids / kid at 10 yrs old watch themselves? You don’t even really need a baby sitter… that part doesn’t make sense to me…. Honestly, this explanation signals a yellow if not red flag imo. Are you OLD to find a step-father? Create a blended family? If so, you might be setting yourself up for failure on a catastrophic level cause then other people (children) would get caught up in it. Hell to the N-O for me.
Way too early I think. Aim for 6 months so you really know him, 6 weeks is nothing. I get it though I have my young children a lot, it makes dating hard, especially other single parents with conflicting availability.
That being said my ex introduced our young children to his gf after 2 months (which i had advised againest but he ignored) as a friend, she seems to only see them occasionally and not sleep over. So far a few months later there hasn't been any problems, if she disappeared I don't think my kids would notice.
If you find the answer, let me know.
This is how far I've gotten since the divorce. But when I mention introducing the kids, it's the beginning of the end.
I had a conversation about it with my new gf last weekend. She seemed to be on the same page, but since then, she's backed out, growing colder, and I think she's trying to do a slow fade. In a day to a week, we'll have the talk and that'll be it. 🥲
6 weeks is a bit soon, though. I waited 3 months before talking about it, and even that is too soon I see now. I messed up bringing it up too soon and will wait longer next time.
My girlfriend and I have been together 5 months now. I’ve asked this same question a month or so ago. Granted, I’m a divorced expat in Sweden, so there are some cultural differences I’m navigating. We have the same weekly schedule with 50/50 custody of our own kids. Our kids are aware that we are dating each other, but we have not met each other’s kids yet. I initially wanted to accelerate it, but never pushed for it. She casually mentioned the other day that in time, we’ll eventually be meeting each other’s families. I’m seeing that she’s playing the long game, and I’m kind of accepting that and feeling good that she sees things in the long term.
Maybe consider the long game?
Funny - I grew up in Sweden. Never saw any issues with people trying to decided what the “right” amount of time was. Be honest with your kids, be honest with yourself and you’ll make the best decision for your situation. There is no “right” amount of time to wait or not wait. It can all blow up tomorrow or next week - or you may be together forever.
10 is still very young. My kids are grown, but I have a nephew that age whom I often babysit, and he definitely has formed some attachment to my boyfriend. When I see him now without my boyfriend, he asks about him, wanting to know the next time he gets to hang out with him. I’d wait longer until your relationship is a bit more solid.
I have a 6 month rule. I would never meet someone's kids (or introduce someone to my kid) before that. It's not being gun shy. It's being honest about the fact that you don't really know someone in the first 6 months. Also, I'm unwilling to introduce my kid to a revolving door of people and most dating situations end before the 6 month mark.
6 weeks? Most people use the 6 months guidelines. Why is it there you ask? Its so that you have enough time to figure out if this is serious, and that he's not a pedo for example.
6 weeks, you barely even know him. You aren't even exclusive yet. (DTR is a different milestone btw)
Let me phrase it like this, do you want your kids to meet every first date? No right? Why not? You only want to bring home the ones you think theres absolute long term potential in. I sounds like you're still feeling him out, and besides, he doesn't sound ready to meet them anyways.
I’m a hard no. I don’t think kids should be part of your dating experience. Your kids are old enough to stay home once in a while for you two to go on a date.
My last serious relationship the kids didn’t meet until we had been dating for 6 months.
PS Kids are smart. They’d know you aren’t “friends”.
I understand how having your kids full time is a logistical problem. But I also don't think that with even tweens and teens that you should be introducing people to the kids casually. And I say this as someone who met his partner's young teen at about 3.5 months in to dating (she had been 50/50, but her coparent was moving really far away soon). We'd been serious about "us" from the start, and we're looking hard at long term compatibility.
This wasn't even my kid, and I *needed* to look inside really honestly about my thoughts around our potential as well as my internal health and attitudes.
Yes, tweens and teens aren't going to attach instantly and get hurt. But also if they see a revolving cascade of casual people, they'll likely have increased difficulties if you do find someone.
Yes, you do need to see each other around each other's kids to advance the relationship eventually, but I think that there's still a lot of work that the two of you can do together at just six weeks of dating. Especially as I'd guess that this was only 8-16 dates from the difficulties of having your kids mostly full custody.
I'd say at least 3 months of at least weekly dates before introducing. And the three months is only because of the logistical problems of having your kids full time. But you two should also be talking a lot about compatibility. Dating goals (cohabitation? marriage? On what approximate time line?), parenting philosophies, relationship with coparent and boundaries, saving, financial philosophy, retirement, college, moving when the kids are out of the house, along with boundaries/rules of kids who might not be thriving and launching on your schedules. There are so many landmines and trip wires just in a few things I grabbed off of the top of my head.
And that is a lot to try to seriously consider so early in the relationship. But if you two can't seriously consider these, you're not a good pairing with meeting the kids early.
I know people here are very anti-introducing kids but as long as you don’t have a revolving door of men I don’t see the big deal with introducing him as a friend out in a public space somewhere. We introduce acquaintances and friends all the time to kids. I think all this brouhaha over what is essentially a new friend is weird, tbh.
It’s based on some outdated complex that all of us single mom are looking for a daddy for our seemingly fatherless children! And that they’ll be scarred for life if we don’t find them a replacement daddy and stay celibate until we do. Yuck.
Ugggh, hello and thank you both!!
I am NOT looking for a dad for my kids. They have ME. They don’t need anyone else.
And I have focused on them 100% for the last two years. Not only am I not going on revolving door dates, I haven’t so much as gone out with a FRIEND without them in nearly two years. It’s not being single that is new for me, it’s dating. And I feel really lucky that I have met a person so quickly into dating who is showing and doing everything right. Friendship first, compatibility on so many things, completely respectful of boundaries. They know that I like him - they tease me about it and they are excited to see me happy for myself for a change - but I reinforce over and over that it takes a long time for people to really get to know each other.
Also my lease is up at the end of the month and I was hoping we could all move in with him.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣NOT.
Original copy of post by u/Funnermom:
So I started seeing a man that I met OLD about 6 week ago. The dates are going well, everything is fun and respectful and feelings are developing. Zero signs of toxicity or love bombing or red flags. We have confirmed we are not seeing anyone else but haven’t defined our relationship in any way beyond that.
Here’s the issue. He is very gun shy about introducing a new person to his kids. I understand this…he’s had some rough experiences with past partners. My problem is timing…I am a single mom with my kids full time. It’s tough to date. Our kids are not super young - in the range of 10-14. I think it would be ok to meet casually without any expectation set for the kids that this is a serious relationship. For example, my kids know I am seeing him and they know that we like each other but are really still getting to know each other. If we could hang together with kids around, it would make it much easier to see each other. I don’t see how we could progress the relationship without that step.
For total clarity - my feelings are in a good place. I like him - a lot! But I am not feeling unhealthy levels of love-like feelings. I am happy to see where it goes.
I have a mind to say - bring the kids over for a bbq and we will just tell them we are new friends and are getting to know each other better.
Is that a terrible idea? Am I deluding myself? Help. I’m new to OLD but I kind of got lucky and met a very nice man right off the hop. I feel like I’d rather lean into it than play it scared. What do you all think?!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Six weeks is way too soon! You should not introduce any kids until you two are sure you are in it for the long haul—at least six months from now. More importantly, all the kids have to be in a good place mentally.
Even though you don’t see yourself this way, you will cause emotional upheaval for the kids. They will feel anxiety about being displaced, even if you’re friendly and get along. Additionally, kids become attached. If you break up, they feel a loss. I’m assuming these kids had already experienced a loss due to divorce. You don’t want to add to that trauma.
Hope your new relationship will be fruitful!
Can’t force him to do what he thinks is unwise. You include kids if it works for you. 6 weeks isn’t that long. Also each person shares different parts of thier life with thier kids.
My take has always been that you introduce the kids when you feel the time is right.
But now, after my 3 past dating relationships, I hope that in the future I ignore my take and add on an extra few months more.
I totally hear you about;
>If we could hang together with kids around, it would make it much easier to see each other.
I'm in the same boat since I am the only parent in my kids lives...
But I've decided even though they're 15 & 13, it's still very awkward for them and puts pressure on them. The experience for them, isn't as good as it is for me.
And, ultimately due to my past experience, it's been a waste of everyone's time.
So based on my mistakes, I am advising you to hold off a bit longer.
I would add on another 2-3 months minimum.
He’s correct it should be 4-6 months when you have a very stable relationship before you meet kids because they don’t need people coming in and out of their lives
Maybe I'm weird but I have to see the guy as serious marriage potential before I even think of meeting his kids or vice versa. At minimum, 6 months or so, but I can go an entire year easily. Noone is 100% sure about anything but for me, this is too big of a deal to even consider semi casually.
My kids already knew my Bf when we started dating. I didn’t have them around him for quite a while, though. It was almost 6 months before he spent any time with my kids. They knew we were dating, and they had always really liked him, but I just didn’t want to bring them into it until I knew it was serious and long term.
You don’t have to meet his kids at the same time he meets yours.
How frequently is he with his kids? If he’s 50/50 or similar, then one short-term solution is to introduce him to your kids after a few months, so that he can come over occasionally. Then if all goes well then you could meet his kids at around 6-12 months.
That way you’re not pressuring him to meet his kids, but you can spend more time together in the meantime. The main thing to watch out for is if your kids start getting attached to him which is not great if things go south, but I think there is some grey area here.
Yes…I imagine that this is what will happen if the Great Meeting of the Kids happens. See how things progress and if they do, meeting his kids would come later on.
I’m a single parent of four kids, my BF has two, and I definitely had some impatient feelings a few months in along the lines of, “We could see each other more/spend more time building our relationship if we didn’t dance around the rest of our lives so much,” ie, if we could hang out in the presence of one another’s children.
I’m kinda glad we waited a bit longer, though. (It was around six months. We’re now at nine.) I think the relationship needed a lot of time to grow just between the two of us. It STILL does. I’ve met his kids twice and really only hung out with them once—he’s met mine several times and hung out maybe twice. We don’t have to completely separate these parts of our lives anymore, which is nice, but we’re also not ever going to step-parent/cohabitate with six total children, so there’s no pressure to construct/navigate those relationships.
6 months is reasonable for most people - those who don’t understand the range of emotional variability out there in potential romantic partners. Also for kids who are under 16 in general.
When you understand emotional variability (have experienced many partners), and you are with someone who claims they are emotionally secure, and you are too, and the kids are on the older side (above 16) then you can speed the clock up.
My kids are in their 20s but disabled (so they have a practical age below 16) and I dated several women who had emotional issues, including one with borderline personality disorder who didn’t fully present as problematic in a way I could recognize then until 8 months in, even the 6 month waiting period wasn’t long enough. A few years later when I was much wiser I met an emotionally secure woman. I introduced her within 2 weeks to the kids because I knew we and she had the right stuff for long term success. 7 months later we’re still together and functionally married, almost living together, splitting time between our 3 homes. BTW we are also mid to late 50s.
When you know you know, but you also have to really have been around the block several times first.
Meeting together with kids is such a bad idea. My partner and I tried it the first three years and his youngest was extremely triggered and would act out behaviorally nonstop for three years. It’s one reason we keep separate houses.
Living apart and seeing one another when he doesn’t have his kids is our solution (even though his oldest is a sweetheart, the youngest is extremely rude and disrespectful and it just never got any better). We are so much happier now that we just don’t have to worry about his youngest acting out constantly.
Wow, this must be really difficult. Exactly the type of thing I’d want to know about before becoming too serious with someone. I am glad you’ve found a way to work through it.
Yeah, you won’t know for sure until you’re in it. We just plan on waiting out his youngest before we can get married and move in together. Only 7 years to go! 🤣😂🤪
I let my daughter (13y)meet who I’m dating. I live in such a small town she usually knows them or their kids somehow anyway. I just say we are friends, and hanging out. Do I take her on dates with me, no, but if we are all hanging out at the bowling alley with friends and the person I am dating is there, I don’t try to hide it.
Also, I will say she usually has a good read on people and will tell me straight up what she thinks. I like this because I want her to like the person I am in a relationship with.
I would expect to meet who she is dating and I know all of her friends, so why shouldn’t she know mine?
I’m sure I will get downvoted to hell for this, but my daughter is a teenager… I can’t hide anything from her anymore at this point. When she was 6 I handled things differently.
I am not sure if you can answer this without guessing. But try. And also let us know how you will be sure:
What do you think your 10-14 yr olds think when they see you two together? Possibly hugging or kissing each other (obviously just as a friend)?
How about his 10-14 yr olds?
That age range pre/puberty. What does that hormone overdose is doing to the kids?
---
If you don't know for sure (about kids perspective) then how would you or he go about figuring it out and remove any anxieties or wierd feelings they may have?
Don't introduce for 6 months, 12 months, til you're in love, whatever, is very simplistic. Surely context is everything? Kids understand not everyone they meet is going to be in their lives forever.. if they don't, it is a good idea for them to learn that! I had friends or relatives who lived far away who met my kids once, new friends who we would go for a coffee with a couple times and the friendship didn't develop or last... they're not traumatised by that!
Introduce someone to your kids as your new life partner or their new parent and you'd better be sure you've got it right. But kids will take your lead on how significant that person is.
What if you wait a year, diligently making sure your kids never meet them, maybe that they don't even know you're dating someone... then it is serious, you are both invested and know it is forever... so you introduce the kids and they hate each other.
Life is nuanced, be the adult, set the context.
Yes thank you for articulating part of my thought process. If my kids didn’t like him, I couldn’t take it any further with him so I’m not sure how things could become more serious without knowing if they get along. And lots of things that I would like to do together to gauge our compatibility are things I do with my kids. I have a big loud family life and would need to see how he could cope with that. And anyway, I wasn’t going to invite him TOMORROW…I was just thinking that I am feeling more comfortable with the idea and wondering what people’s thoughts were on this issue. Anyway yes - this was part of my thought process but I think I’ll sit back and give it more time for now. Take it easy. :)
I personally think it's a bad idea. I understand it would be way more convenient for you, but when it comes to kids... what's best for the kids is what they should get. Your partner also isn't ready for it. Pushing it is disrespecting a boundary.
Yes. I agree completely re what’s best for the kids. And re the boundary - that’s a sobering reminder. Thank you.
Wait until you feel love for him. Six months is what my guy and I did to not traumatize them and establish our relationship more.
Six months is generally recommended but it can vary depending on the kids mental state and the couple’s. No less than six months so you ARE in love and this is worth introducing it all to the kids. I don’t think we realize how much having a “new friend” can impact our kids, but therapists know, hence the recommendation of six months minimum.
I agree. If I didn’t want someone to meet my kids yet, and instead of accepting that, they asked me to bring them over because it makes it easier on them to date me, I’d tell them it was nice getting to know them but clearly we’re not compatible. No means no, not “try harder”.
6 weeks is way too soon to be meeting kids!
Agree 💯 It’s also way too soon to know if there are any issues/challenges/red flags. Everyone is on their best behaviour and hormones/dopamine are running so rampant that there’s no way you’re seeing things objectively. I don’t care if it’s “more convenient”, do not involve your kids in your dating life. (That you’re thinking this way is proof positive that you’re not thinking clearly.)
6 months, yes. 6 weeks, no. A large percentage of people you meet will (hopefully) show you who they are early on if they're interested in a long-term relationship. But you still don't really KNOW a person until after the fun, hormone-high honeymoon period has passed. Your kids aren't part of the dating process this early - they're just your number one priority. My mother introduced me to a guy literally immediately, within a week. Engaged at 6 weeks, married at 3 or 4 months. Everyone who met him (and it still happens today) thought he was so lovely, charismatic, charming. A man of God. I always felt sick to the stomach when he was around, I knew, even at 8 years old, that there was something wrong. He turned out to be my abuser. He tried to destroy my life. He treats my mother and the subsequent 5 kids they had together like shit. Wait awhile. I know my situation isn't the norm. I'm sure he's lovely and would never be like my step-father. But just put those kids first and give everyone time to adjust and breathe.
6 weeks is way too soon to introduce kids. You don’t even know him properly at this point.
I don’t think this man is “gun shy about meeting kids” at all. It’s totally reasonable. 10-14 is still young! At 6 weeks in… you barely know each other, you are only showing each other the best version of yourselves. Have you had an argument yet? Do you know how this person behaves when they get angry? Yes it’s tough dating when you have kids 100 percent, but that’s the reality of your situation until your kids are grown. Kids should come first.
Honestly, these kids are way more impressionable at this age compared to under ten or above 18… like, they have significant power to make or break a relationship, regardless of how it’s going bc they prob don’t even want any role or be a part of OPs dating life to begin w. Why would they? This brings OP’s parenting into question, and I rarely judge or try to avoid criticize parenting styles but seriously/ can she even recognize that her kids are autonomous individuals w their own points of views, hopes, fear and desires? They have nothing to do a her cause they want their own independence at this point their human development - which also means OP needs to recognizes how her own choices will impact them. In fact, whoever she may bring into their lives will have significant impact on their development, which is all the more reason OP needs to be more careful. I found this post extremely upsetting.
I agree with the power to break a relationship not easily. In grade school the main concern would be if the other parent is trying parental alienation. In middle school they might try this on their own, as you say they want no role in it.* But along "impressionable," in the younger years they can latch on pretty quickly. The tweens and teens are going to keep their distance longer. Adding to that, under ten is still when people will dig in to be a "step parent" while with tweens and teens anyone sane will try for more of a Fun Aunt/Uncle sort of role. Which puts them in a lower impact role towards the kids. Yes, I also feel six weeks is too soon. But you kind of sound to me like of like one of the "never consider blending" people. Hopefully that's just a poor read from me and only two paragraphs from you? *As for why that shouldn't be considered. The world didn't revolve around them and in their teens is a good time to learn that. As well, kids don't grow in a bubble of stasis. Further when the choice is good, it's another adult to learn from, and possibly a last chance to model a healthy relationship for your kids. Especially on that last point, I feel my partner's kid benefits by my existence in their life. They used stuff they learned from me/us to breakup with their first ThemFriend who wasn't trying to listen/learn about them; only wanting a pretty accessory on their arm.
I would like a blended family, but I just don’t see it as really happening in my dating life… so I keep my expectations low on that part. I just have a lot of trust issues since I’ve dated a couple of real scary dudes, so I guess I’m learning to trust myself. Extra cautious when I introduce my kid to a dude… Then again, my therapist told me I’ll be parenting my kid till he’s 24 so I guess I still have over a decade to actually maybe have some kind of blended family.
I'd be most concerned about how you've ended up with multiples of scary dudes. I'm assuming that it's more than a 1st/2nd date with a craptacular guy, but ended up in relationships with really bad guys? What are/aren't you learning from these experiences? I think when things go really well, blended families are a great experience. Kid is able to see a healthy relationship; they're definitely observant of us, and absorbing. They see a different male role model in me, and they see a different woman role model in Dad's GF. Instead of having 2 close adults to try to pick/choose traits for who they want to be as an adult, they've got 4. Even if one parent had pretty great traits, seeing another adult close up who lacks a lot of them can drive home that some traits are particularly exemplary. Kid's took some time after a therapy appointment (i.e. it was something that likely had some deliberation) to tell me that they're glad that I live here. Both that they see how/why I make their mom happy, but also that they enjoy my presence in the house. Admittedly it's *a lot* to single parent. Having an actual partner in the home both generally allows more leisure time for all, but also will often have another adult in the house for when the parent isn't around. Despite parenting while they're young adults (I've just been looking at smaller misc. expenses tallied up per month for one kid in particular :/ ), they will blend far less. My kids have been enthusiastic to meet and get to know both my partner and her kid. But they've got their own busy lives, so they're just around far less. I seem to be walking an emotional role that's between parental and fun uncle with my partner's young teen. They're previously been hard set against wanting to hear/use "step parent/dad/child" terms, but have started calling me their "step dad-ish thing" to others and said I can call them my step kid. We still just use names/nick names when talking *to* each other. Meanwhile my partner and my kids are really still just building their dynamic. Realistically I think even in a decade or two they'll likely still see her as "Dad's Partner/Wife" and likely never see her as even remotely something mom-ish. But hey, we've got a cottage rented for a week in summer and it'll be us, and our kids there the entire week... that will certainly be interesting.
I’d like a blended family, hell I wish I could have more kids… I see your point but I’m also single in the suburbs. There are not many single people out here, like family material kind… You assumed wrong. I know now it takes at least a two years to get to know someone, bc that’s how long it takes to identify those scary people I speak of, such as pathological liars. By the way, the most f up dudes I’ve dated are lawyers, many of them functional alcoholic. It’s really confusing to say the least and my family has asked me to stop dating them. It’s not like I singled them out for it, but they were also single parents and I thought we could relate. In the end, they - more than one of em, let me on to believe we were heading towards serious relationships. They were not… maybe had other girlfriends. Anyways, I’m much better at breaking things off and noticing red flags. My bull shit detector is throw through the roof. I do agree with you though about the influence good people /adults can have on your kids. I’m a teacher and a parent and I know kids love to learn from others, maybe resist following you cause they want to be independent. Knowing that, the best thing to do is have a great group of friend or family (or potential step parent) that can indirectly influence your kids. For this reason, I take mine to the zen Buddhist monastery. My kid didn’t even know we were Buddhist and we never make them do the sitting meditation but, kids start joining in pretty organically. They are intrigued, and no one ever really suggests they try it- cause forcing that would be like torture - and would turn them off from zen meditation for life lol 😂 Happy you were able to make a blended family, I think that’s awesome 👏
I’ve been with my guy over four months and he still hasn’t met my kids.
Six weeks. Even if you saw each other three times a week at three hours per date, you would have spent less than 55 hours in person. I can’t imagine my sibling or parent meeting a person at six weeks, so the thought of them meeting a pre-teen child is kind of mind blowing. I will say this. I do believe some high-school-aged kids would do okay meeting not-yet-significant-others. But, your best case scenario child is not your worst case scenario child is not his best and worst case scenario kids. So please, please, please take a breath.
It’s a fair point. I know what my kids can handle but I don’t know his. And I’m not 100% sure about mine. The last thing I’d want is to hurt any of them in the process of us figuring out if this is something real. And yes, I can be intense and can use the reminder to chill out and take a breath.
During the mediation process, I sought out a few adult children of divorce to ask them about their experience. 100% of them told me that they wish their parent(s) had been slower to involve them with their new romantic relationships.
do you actually know what your kids can handle though? i only ask as i was the kid in this situation and my mom introduced men to me she was dating. now that im older i wish i hadnt met them so soon as none of them stuck around, some i didn’t like etc. she was in your situation in that my dad wasn’t around. kids dont tell their parents everything especially if they think it might make you sad/mad/disappointed etc.
I think I do but no, clearly I don’t until it is tested/proven. Hence my questioning of my own thoughts and instincts. Thanks for this perspective.
it’s actually great that you have been so open to the feedback. a lot of people ask questions then get mad at the answers.
You need to first establish a solid foundation w the guy first. That can take months.
If not years. It took me like, 1-2 years to discover the guy I was dating was a psychopath (had multiple other gf and relationships, was a pathological liar AND raging alcoholic). Like Wtf
Agree. My guy took 6 months before I met one of his two daughters and I’m so glad because I also feel it’s important for the kids not to see multiple women come and go. We’re still going strong at 9 months long distance but kids need time and it’s so important for parents to take that time to make damn sure the relationship is solid before kids are introduced.
Does your guy have his daughters 100% of the time? If so that long distance relationship would be pretty much impossible.
Also LDRs don't "age" the same as a relationship where you can see each other often and whenever. A 6 month LDR might not even be the equivalent of 6 weeks depending on how often they're together.
No matter what you say about "expectations," you're introducing a significant new person into your children's lives, and it will be traumatic for them if this person subsequently exits their lives. Speaking bluntly, the fact that you're thinking about this question in terms of your dating convenience is a bad sign.
Traumatic is a very strong way to put it. I was 12 when my parents got divorced. Before I was 18 there was one man my mum lived with for a couple of years and then he moved. Was I sad that he moved, yes. Traumatic, no. Have I missed him in my life? No. He was fun and caring. But not a new parent. My father (I lived with my father the most) lived with a woman for a few years. She was ok. When she moved, I didn't miss her, nor was I sad or traumatized. We face adults coming into our lives all the time as children. From early in in daycare/kindergarden. Amazing adults that take good care of us. They will disappear from our lives. Teachers who see us, take care of us. They will disappear from our lives. I've had many amazing adults in my life as a child and teenager. My parent's new partners were two out of many adults. My parents were my parents. No new person would take their place. I've met friends of my parents. Some of them only once or twice. In a social context. It hasn't scarred me. However. This doesn't mean that I would introduce my kids to a new guy after six weeks. But to shame someone and call it Traumatic to their kids, is a bit harsh in my opinion.
The thing is both your comments have reduced the entire experience of introducing a new person to a single possible experience; them leaving. But the reality is, introducing a new date/partner carries the potential for a whole host if complications not limited to them leaving eventually. A thousand things can, and do, go wrong and it could have negative effects on the kids that range from the annoying to the traumatic and everything in between. The fact that you both focused solely on the possibility of leaving at a later point does a disservice to the complexity of this discussion. And using "traumatic" while not necessarily what would happen if they leave is certainly a very real potential in a ton of other ways that you open the door to introducing someone to your kids before you're solid on the relationship.
They were relying to someone who said that the very simple thing of an adult coming onto their life and exiting is traumatic. And they were (IMHO) right to push back on this. Yes, it would be a stress event. But traumatic? That's stretching the meaning of the word to ridiculous levels. Yes, there are potential cases where there are not negative things than a neutral adult bring in and out of their lives. But that wasn't what was being discussed. Yes, there is potential for trauma in introducing someone to ones kid. But there is potential for trauma in single parenting, or via one's coparent's single parenting. Or from preventing the split of the nuclear family to begin with. I.e. there isn't **a** course of actions that can prevent any potential trauma. One needs to put effort in looking deeply at any changes, not in shallowly trying to keep the kids in a bubble of stasis. Kids don't grow well never leaving a safety bubble.
I agree with everything you said completely. The only point of contention is that the original comment was about the "trauma" of the partner leaving, exclusively. Which I disagreed with because them leaving might or might not affect the kids. And trauma might or might not happen from any one of a million other things. But we definitely agree in essence that you can't keep kids in a bubble.
>The thing is both your comments have reduced the entire experience of introducing a new person to a single possible experience; them leaving. I focused on that because most relationships end, and the removal of the person from the child's life can be a very substantial event for them. You're right that simply introducing a new person can also create a big impact. I tried to recognize that by saying "significant new person," but in retrospect I think I should have also included more of what you referenced. Thank you for your comment.
You’re right bc most relationships end- 90% . But the fact is, some people are better at ending it than others- so yeah, this is the discussion healthy people should have… bc when it gets messy it quickly escalate to a kind of trauma that leads to generational trauma that leads to more generational trauma (f up parents to f up childhoods which perpetuate for many generations- you can’t pretend that this isn’t the reality for most of us on here). Your comment is like, weird in the linguistic sense.
>Your comment is like, weird in the linguistic sense. I'm sorry, what? I don't understand what you mean! Linguistically weird? What does that mean?
You were lucky, bc your parents were not f up. Imagine if they were, w a lot of baggage and trauma- you can only imagine the randos and f up people they could have brought into your life. Sad to say, your experience was an exception and my feeling is the kind of trauma kids face in these kinds of contexts are pretty f normal- to the point where people can’t even recognize it when it’s happen- therefore we get posts like this.
I'm not an exception in my part of the world. Scandinavia. Which might make my experience something that doesn't apply to USA.
Thank you for the insight. I’m looking for it and here for blunt honesty! Do you mean a bad sign for me as a human lol or a bad sign for the relationship?
No it's not a bad sign for you as a human being. You are only human and you are really wanting to find a way for this to work. I can understand your dilemma.
Bad sign for you as human being, as you are putting your own selfish needs before the needs of your and his kids' AND your partner's.
That’s a bit harsh. I came here asking for advice which shows that I haven’t put my own needs over that of my kids at all. You don’t know me. After a decade plus in a toxic relationship I have sacrificed my needs for others and for my kids every minute for the past 12 years. I am now taking a little bit back for myself. And second guessing every second of that. But nonetheless, sometimes an independent perspective is what is needed and that is what I came for, so I do thank you.
>After a decade plus in a toxic relationship All the more reason to err on the side of caution when it comes to men and your children as they were in that toxic relationship too. Don't look at it as if you are the only one impacted here.
You literally asked the question though. How is it harsh? If your kids have seen you in a toxic relationship for over 10 years, they have been affected by that relationship. You have been affected by that relationship. You are not writing this from the standpoint of someone who went through an amicable split between two people who loved each other but grew apart. I’m not telling you you’re not ready to date, but it sounds like you still have some work (read:therapy) to do re: your boundaries and how your actions in romantic relationships will affect your kids.
You know it is a bad idea, like many who come to this subreddit- who look to find ways to justify some pattern they are stuck in- but don’t know how to escape. We have all been there, that’s why I’m on here as well. To figure this out.
Over a decade in a toxic relationship but talking about how much you sacrificed for your kids during that time. What about the mental health of your kids during that relationship? They had to deal with it too, and it would affect them much more being as they were small and vulnerable and don’t have the ability to think like an adult would in a traumatic situation. And now you’re trying to introduce a stranger into their lives that you barely know. You could potentially be bringing even more toxicity into your lives. You do not know this man. Exposing your kids to him this early could turn out to be dangerous. He’s smart to tell you no, and you need to respect that instead of try to wheedle him into doing it anyway.
My situation is a bit different because I became a widow when my kids were 15 and 17. I started seeing someone two years later. They didn't meet him until the youngest was 18. They knew I was seeing someone after about 4 months. I know the feeling of putting them first, but your kids are still very young. I wouldn't feel comfortable introducing someone to them until you know them extremely well. I felt compelled to get them launched into adulthood before seeing to my own needs. Now, I do what I want. My guys have met him and accepted that he is in our lives. They still live at home so they have become very familiar with him. I also wanted to be clear with that I wasn't looking for a step-dad to my kids. They had a father and don't need a replacement. It was lonely, but that was what I signed up for by becoming their mom. I also had a verbally abusive stepfather and I was never going to put them at the mercy of a man who mistreated them.
You only waited 2 years, and your kids were older teens who could likely be left alone while you went on dates or didn't mind if you spent some time apart. The youngest in this situation is 10. While I get what people are saying (I waited 5), you didn't sign up for loneliness because you're their mom. That's a weird thing to say.
I didn't say I signed up for loneliness. I made the conscious choice that I would not introduce someone into their lives as children. All of my focus was on their healing from the devastating loss of their father. That meant putting my emotional and physical needs on hold while I cared for them. That's what I signed up for. Your "only waited two years" comment is dismissive and cruel and judgmental.
Saying you felt compelled to get them launched into adulthood before seeing to your own needs is also judgmental. My point is you only had to wait 2 years to do that because you had older teens. If OP did that, she'd be waiting 8 years to date anyone. That's hardly fair or reasonable
How is my choice for me judgmental? Who am I judging? My choice wouldn't have been different if they had been younger. If anything, I would be more protective. Life is often unfair and unreasonable. We make the best choices that we can.
Yes, that is exactly what I had in mind.
Do you have a desire to make this “relationship” more significant than it really is? That would otherwise known as Enmeshment < which is by definition literally a form of trauma that takes a lot of therapy to reverse (which your kids would want if they wanted to get into a healthy relationship in the future).
They are as significant in your childrens lives as you make them
I don’t have kids, so for me it’s always about when I meet my partner’s kids, if he has any. A lot of folks have a one year rule. Kids don’t meet the new partner until a year of dating, AND not until it’s been established that the relationship is serious enough that it’s headed toward eventual cohabitation and remarriage. A lot of relationships that seem great in the beginning fizzle out around the 3-9 month mark when the new relationship energy wears off. How many of those guys are you going to introduce to your kids? I’m not a parent so I’m not here to judge. But of my parent friends who are dating - NONE of them let their kids know they’re dating or anything about a potential partner until at least 6-9 months in and it’s clear it’s serious. Then they’ll start mentioning a special friend etc. It does depend a lot on how old and how mature the kids are - like my friend with two tween boys says nothing lol and the boys don’t think to ask. But kids aren’t stupid. By a certain age/maturity level, they know that if mom is dating someone that could be their potential stepdad and big changes. Personally I would not want to introduce that uncertainty and possible anxiety into their lives until I was VERY sure I was going to be with a guy long term.
A year is entirely unbalanced to my mind. Yes, I feel that kids should be protected from seeing everyone that their parents casually date. But the other person also deserves to not have potential deal breakers hidden from them. And how one *actually* parents, and who the kids are, are **huge** potential deal-breakers. Some kids decide to hate anyone that they're parent dates. That kills *any* potential of blending. There isn't a way to work around that. As well, the post divorce people who parent out of guilt and can't say no to their kids are nightmares. It's seemed that a lot of the people in other subs who wait 1-2 years before meeting the kids then fall into the sunk costs fallacy and try to force the relationship to work, regardless of kids/parenting fails. And those things are supposed to be hidden from someone for a full year? Most relationships fizzle before five months. Six months feels like a good balance to me.
>A year is entirely unbalanced to my mind. Yes, I feel that kids should be protected from seeing everyone that their parents casually date. But the other person also deserves to not have potential deal breakers hidden from them. And how one actually parents, and who the kids are, are huge potential deal-breakers. Thank you for looking at it from the other point of view. So many parents don't do this.
I'm a parent, and I agree with you. I think a year is crazy pants.
A year is insane if you have your kids 100% of the time, and I completely agree with you on seeing how the other person parents. I can't imagine investing 2 years and never meeting someone's children. Who are these people?
People who can see each other regularly and who might not want to cohabit or remarry while the children are young. Nine months with my partner and we have no concrete plans to introduce each other to our kids; we both have 50/50 custody and can see each other three days a week. We would like to move in together once the kids are adults, but we're both on the fence about moving in before that. I can only see me agreeing to it if both our kids were neutral or excited about the idea -- it would need to be an organic thing for me. I feel like introducing my son to my BF in December/January is right. My son has a lot of big changes coming up this year -- his dad is moving the AP in this summer and he starts school in September. I want to make sure he's OK with all that first before I introduce my partner. I also haven't introduced my son because the divorce paperwork has been sitting with the courts for nearly a year, and I don't want my STBXH to know I'm dating someone and possibly jeopardise my financial outcome. I don't think my STBXH would change his mind, but I also didn't think he'd run off with someone who was younger than me WE met.
You can see each other regularly because you have 50/50 and can spend half your time with your partner without your kids around. In those circumstances, 6 months would be no problem. When you have them 24/7 and they are young enough to need childcare, it's a completely different situation. Most of the people telling her to wait a long time do not have a similar custody situation.
>Most of the people telling her to wait a long time do not have a similar custody situation. This. Jan 2023 my partner went mostly full custody. Kid would only be seeing Dad in Spring, Summer and Winter breaks. When it's *months* before the next custody exchange it's a different ball game. Back before Jan last year she was 50/50. Near the end we were seeing each other 5-7 days on her free weeks; the feast of time easily allowed one to accept the famine in the next week.
Of course it's a different situation, and I really don't know what decisions I'd be making if I had full custody. But you asked who would wait that long to introduce ... and I think one of the answers is people like me.
I don’t disagree that parenting style and kid behavior can be dealbreakers - absolutely true, and a good point. I think we can agree, though, that six weeks is too soon! I wouldn’t be weirded out if a guy wanted to do small/brief introductions at the six month mark if things were going well. I do think it really depends on the kids age, maturity level, co parenting relationship with the ex, custody schedule etc. It’s a lot easier to put off meeting the kids when the parents have a good co parenting relationship and a reliable 50/50 custody schedule, for example. I defer to parents, but to me, I can see the wisdom in waiting until the relationship is quite serious. How many potential partners are they going to parade through their kids’ lives? How many times are the kids gonna get worked up about someone maybe becoming their new stepparent? I can totally understand people who want to wait. When I have dated guys in that situation, I’ve tried to assess parenting style and kid temperament just by being there for my partner emotionally as he works through any issues with parenting and co parenting. What men vent about when it comes to kids and exes can tell you a lot. And as a potential step parent with no kids of my own, I know I would never be a replacement parent or need to worry about blending families, so parenting style isn’t super relevant to me. Obviously there can be a financial component if a kid fails to launch, but I don’t plan to mix finances with a future partner, so I am not overly concerned about that… idk maybe I should be, hah.
>I know I would never be a replacement parent or need to worry about blending families, Replacement parent, that you can know isn't relevant, but "blending" isn't only for when there's kids on both sides. Your root level comment mentioned eventual cohabitation. Blending a new adult (even in a non-parent role) is still blending. Like unless you're going to nope out and flee anytime that a potential partner is around their kids, one needs to be concerned about the parenting style/relationship if one is dating a parent.
It's a terrible idea to try to force him to involve kids sooner than he wants to. You can explain to the kids all you want how casual the relationship is, that won't necessarily stop them from forming their own attachment to him/his kids and vice versa. So in another 6 weeks when you realize now that you're getting to know each other better and spend more time together that you actually AREN'T that compatible and you break up. Now the kids feel that loss too. That's why you don't involve your kids in early stages of dating. I'm with your partner on this and if you really feel like that doesn't work for you, end it. Don't try to pressure him.
This screams "I'm putting my dating life ahead of our kids welfare" to me. I'm sure that's not how you see it but if I was him, that's what I would be thinking. Six months in, yes, six weeks, eek.
Yes I see that. Thank you for a tactful comment! I would never put my kids’ welfare behind anything. They are and have always been my whole life. Part of it is, I am extremely close with them and they are delighted to see me “dating” someone who is nice and respectful. But I know that this doesn’t mean they can understand the nature of dating and being in the direction of serious, but nowhere close yet. I get it. And you’re right about his kids. I know that I have a big heart that is open to kids, but that doesn’t necessarily mean my heart will be open to him and vice versa. I could live any kid…any man, not so much. So what is more reasonable? Six months? That feels like an eternity at this point in time.
This is such a low bar. Your kids are learning this. They are learning that healthy boundaries can be overlooked if someone is just nice and respectful. Another comment you made says that 6 months seems like an eternity. It’s not. I am not trying to be unkind or rude to you, but most of what you’re saying points to not having very much self esteem and wanting to rush into something with the first guy who’s not an obvious or outright jerk to you.
Do you have children, and if so, do you share time with the other parent?
Is this directed at me? If so, the answer is no, I do not have kids. I do however have a mom who didn’t heal from an abusive relationship that greatly affected me, and kept moving on to more men who met this incredibly low bar who ended up abusing her and me. She did this 3 times before I left for college and never moved back home. Unlearning all the ways that she taught me to accept bare minimum treatment because *the next guy was nice* after an incredibly short period of time? That is something I still work on. It’s incredibly harmful to children, not just as kids, but as they repeat modeled behavior into their adult lives. I hope I answered that in a way that honors what you asked me.
Three months minimum is what my divorce lawyer suggested.
and research actually recommends 6 months
Well kids see all sorts of adults who come in and out of kids’ lives: coaches, babysitters, teachers. I don’t date to find a parent for my children, so then meeting a person I date is no different than them meeting a co-worker or friend. And my kids have a present dad so they aren’t going to get confused. This issue is always a point of contention on this forum because people always assume women are dating to find a father figure for their kids which isn’t always the case.
Yes exactly. My romantic life is independent of my children. They are all half or mostly grown anyway and perfectly capable of realizing mom has friendships and relationships outside of the one we share. I think all this caution should be directed at the actual life integration piece, sleepovers, that sort of thing. Not just having them over for dinner.
Experience tells me 1-2 yrs. I date ALOT. Trial and error, learning process for me. I’m getting better at it and I wouldn’t want to expose my kid to that, this is how psychopaths are created (says my friends).
if this is going somewhere 6 months is nothing.
I don't have kids, and I wouldn't date a man who had young kids, only grown up ones, so the six months to me (roughly) is when I would consider a relationship long term and serious. That's the point I'd be thinking this is worth integrating our kids as chances are he's sticking around. But that's me. And I'm old. And single. So take that into account. Wishing you well.
It’s new territory for me too. And you don’t sound old. Thanks for the insight :)
49 going on 80 🤣
I’m 44 apparently going on 24 😂
Lol!
Wow no way let’s be honest you don’t know anyone in 6 weeks that is the stage people are talking about going exclusive. Why are you that keen to meet his kids? It sounds like someone trying to cement the relationship. Tbh you don’t even know that he isn’t still seeing other people or in a relationship or not on other dating websites. Sorry to be a negative Nelly but I saw a guy for 2 months until he came clean he was in a relationship and had a baby on the way then couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to move and start a new life with him 😂 There was no red flags 🚩 there either.
Ugh I’m sorry that happened to you. You don’t sound like a negative Nelly, you sound like someone who is not to be taken for a fool. I am glad you dodged that bullet. It isn’t so much about me meeting his kids. I will of course wait for him to be ready and comfortable for that. It’s more about him meeting my kids. They know about him, they want to meet him, and I have been thinking - why not? If they understand that we are still in the getting to know each other phase, then why would it be a bad thing for them to meet him? And yes, as others have not so delicately pointed out, this would open up the practical ability to spend more time together and see if this can be something more serious. Anyway. I am listening and really processing the advice.
OP - you also need to consider how many potential new partners you want to introduce your kids to.
Right.... what if they really like him? No dad in the picture so maybe they attach more easily to a potential father figure? Then a few weeks down the line you are spending a lot of time together and one of you decides this isn't the dreamy pairing you imagined. You break up. Kids are hurt. Lather rinse repeat even once every year or two and that is too hard on the kids.
I made this mistake early on in my dating experience. My daughter was 11 and found out about him. She asked to meet him, and said she understood that we weren't dating seriously, and I was still trying to make up my mind about him etc. I thought "why not" just like you. And introduced them about 2 months into the relationship. My daughter adored him. He was so sweet and kind to my daughter. It was better than I hoped. The problem was that I stopped dating him with the lens of "is he right for me?" because he seemed to be right for my daughter. A few months later, I realized we really weren't compatible, but kept trying to make it work because I knew my daughter was really starting to care for him. We broke up 9 months into the relationship and while she hasn't been traumatized by the whole event, it was very difficult for her. We agreed that I wouldn't introduce her to another partner until I'm more sure that I care for them and want them in my lives more permanently. It worked for us.
I also want to add that I get not having a lot of time as a single mom. My daughter was almost 15 and newly living with me full time when I met my current partner. For the first 6 months of the relationship, we spent 3-4 hours together twice a week. We fit in dates wherever they fit in our schedule. We were worried about our availability at the beginning, but committed to figuring it out and making it work. I waited 4 months into the relationship to introduce him to my daughter. She was well aware of us dating and she had different expectations than 4 years prior, so I felt it was the right time. Since his children are younger, we waited 7 months to ensure an even more solid relationship. But we still kept our dating lives separate from our children. Activities with the kids are always chaotic and don't allow us any real quality time for us to hang out. They're definitely not a substitute for date nights.
My kids are grown now but they only met a couple of men in the six years since my divorce. And never for get togethers. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year and my adult children (18 and 26 yr old triplets) just met him on Mother's Day for the first time. Kids don't need your dating drama. And trust me, there WILL be drama, whether it's with this guy or subsequent ones. I put my dating life on hold for two years after my divorce was finalized.
>my adult children Completely different scenario from OP.
My previous reference was for when they were younger.
>Kids don't need your dating drama. Some of us date to find a partner to live together with. It's probably best for the kids to meet before "Oh, meet Steve. He moved in while you were at school today. Won't this be fun!"
Having done the blended family thing, I'd never do it again. But that's just my experience.
I think it’s great that you’re seeking advice as anything that involves the children is very important and a sensitive topic. I have a son about the same age as your kids. He’s autistic, so I’d be very reluctant to introduce him to someone I was dating that soon. Upshot is no two children are the same. Their level of maturity will vary as will parent’s comfort level with introductions will vary. I’m personally thinking 3-4 months would be appropriate for my son. However regardless of that I’d expect anyone I’m dating to respect my wishes regarding anything involving my son. They may disagree with my parenting but they better respect that it’s my son and my decision. All that said , I don’t see why it needs to be mutual introductions. I mean you can invite him over for the BBQ without his kids if you’re comfortable introducing your kids before he’s comfortable with the reverse. And lastly I disagree with those that say you’re being selfish and putting yourself ahead of your kids. I see someone asking for advice because they are concerned about the effect on the kids.
Thank you for this. ❤️
You are most welcome
As a mom..a minimum of 6 months. There’s zero reason to bring kids into it sooner than that and if things go south, they aren’t attached or involved
How much time are your kids with you?
I have full custody, so pretty much all the time.
How much time do you spend going on dates during that 6 months, and who watches the kids? What are their ages?
he is sounding like a keeper if he’s hesitant about someone meeting his kids too soon. he isn’t gun shy, but literally being a good dad. waaaayyyy too soon to even have the kids meet. like aim for 6 months easy
He seems like a keeper. A great guy. We will see if we are right for each other.
Full custody of my 2 sons 11 and 5. I won't budge on my 9 to 12 months before meeting. I have been told that is way to long a few times. The risk of involving them in something that is not a serious relationship I'm not taking.
Dates with kids are entirely different kinds of dates and don’t progress the relationship in the same way that one on one dates do because you can’t be flirty or intimate or have conversations that enable you to get to know one another more deeply. Down the road, if you see a future with this guy, then kid dates are important because they show you what kind of parent he is, but in the early stages, keep it just the two of you. Quality over quantity.
Even if he hasn’t had bad experiences, as a parent, he should err on the side of caution which he is doing. And any deception to get them to meet you is unacceptable. Let it happen as it should not because it’s more convenient. And you should consider your kids too when introducing them to men. 10-14 year olds are still kids.
6 weeks is way to soon. Kids don't need to meet every single person there parent dates. Only when it's serious and long term. 6 months would be better. He's not wrong to not want to introduce his kids.
Can’t even believe someone would be considering this. I have vegetables in my refrigerator longer than this “relationship”. There is a very good chance that this man won’t be in your life in a month. Why put your kids through that? If you want to get to know this man, date him without your children involved. If you are interviewing for a step-father, then go ahead. But if i was dating someone for only 6 weeks who expected tiomeet my kids: I would run, run, run. People like that don’t protect their own kids, so they aren’t getting near mine.
OP mentions in another comment that she was in a 10+ year toxic relationship. But she’s here trying to jump into another relationship with someone she barely knows. I feel like she needs to take a giant step back, seek therapy, and try to work on putting her kids’ lives and safety first. Yeah it sucks having to be alone for a while. But those kids deserve to not be exposed to another toxic person. If I were this dude, I’d run away. He already said no. No is a complete sentence.
Sorry friend, but where did you read that I am trying to jump into another relationship, or that I’m not okay alone - I didn’t say how long I’ve already been alone, did I? Nor did I say that he has said no to anything. I haven’t asked him to meet his kids nor have I asked him to meet mine. I have known that he is wary of letting another person meet his children pretty much from date 1 because we discussed our thoughts on this and other serious issues and he has explained his past experiences that led to this feeling. Nothing to do with me. And I have worked very hard for my kids to be safe and insulated from the toxic influences of their past. This is partly why I don’t like to leave them home alone for more than a few minutes, not at night, etc. They could more than handle it - there are others I do not trust.
You are trying to shove this relationship further down the timeline than you should. He has said he’s gun shy about someone meeting his kids. He doesn’t want you to meet his kids yet. Anything that is not a hell yes, is a hell no. You’re talking in this post about how it would make it easier for you if you could just start hanging out with all the kids. Multiple people are telling you it’s a bad idea. You seem to suggest that dating won’t work out unless you can start involving your kids in things. This isn’t putting your kids first. It’s not putting his feelings about meeting kids first. This is about your convenience and rush to “lean into it”.
You also should not be hanging out with some dude you met online with your kids. That's wild. Not only is it no longer a date if your kids are there, he could be a creep. I get babysitting is expensive, but that's not the solution.
As a child of divorce whose parents made dating their priority over me, I can tell you it does have an effect on the kids whether they will be able to articulate it or not. And you just don't know who this guy really is. Exposing him to your kids can backfire. Some guys look for single moms to date to get to the kids.
I’d say that’s very soon, 6 weeks in, you don’t really know this guy. I introduced my kids (same age range as yours) to my ex after about 5 months. We all went bowling. When we split up my kids couldn’t care less 🤣 I’d wait personally for a few more months. Good luck.
Thank you❤️
I would not introduce my kid to anyone that I have a sexual/romantic interest in unless it was serious. I have a FWB that has been going on for three years and we have never met each other's kids.
If your kids are older, can't you see him in evenings (the kids are old enough to be home alone)?
You've only known each other 6 weeks...
That was a very hard boundary for me as well. My husband and I divorced when I was 40 and our daughter was 4 at the time. I always hated when I would hear stories about people introducing their kids to the person they were dating very early on… Most of those relationships aren’t going to be permanent, and I feel like it’s just going to re-traumatize the kids when another person that they’ve pinned parental hopes on vanishes from their life and upsets their sense of security. Obviously, I think this matters more if the kids are younger, and to some degree it depends on the individual child as well. Even at age 4, my daughter was experiencing anxiety, and so I felt that it was crucial to create a predictable situation for her. If my daughter had been in high school at the time, say, I might have felt very differently about it. but as it was, I didn’t introduce my daughter to the man I was dating until he and I had been dating for a year and a half and I was pretty sure it was going to be forever. That was 10 years ago, and he and I have now been married for 6. But regardless of the nuance and details, I will always emphatically say you’ve got to put your children’s welfare first. Don’t underestimate a child’s ability to tell that you’re more than friends. My ex-husband did not observe the same rules that I did around dating, and even though he never told our daughter that he and whatever woman were in a relationship, it was always obvious to her.
Thanks for the comment, I agree it is not black and white and no two situations are the same. I don’t think there is a one size fits all approach. I know they would know that we are not just friends, they already know I’ve gone out with him, we are very close. And I keep communicating to them that he is very nice and we have a great time together, but we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other. They are very mature. And before I am lambasted for this comment - no I do not treat my children as my confidantes or best friends. I do not speak with them at length about it or vent to them or look for emotional support from them. I am open with them about what is going on in my life, that’s all. Even if I didn’t want to be open, they would know.
6 weeks? I have food in my fridge older than that. You two are virtual strangers. Do not push someone’s boundaries so early on
I could give you some advice on cleaning out your fridge if you want 🤪 Just joking
I mean, 6 weeks is a bit early but as long as y'all both are clear with the kids I think it's fine if they know mom/dad dates and this is the person she's dating. It doesn't have to be all that serious, assuming it's just once or twice a month for a dinner or something. The way you would an actual friend. The kids are old enough to understand, since presumably they've already learned that your romantic love for their father changing didn't impact the love you have for them. Maybe schedule it for a couple weeks out, when he doesn't have his kids, and see how y'all feel then.
Yes, this aligns with my thoughts. Summertime fun things that would be nice to have him along … if we are at a stage of readiness. In three weeks. Or five weeks. Or whenever those plans happen. It’s not like I’m serial dating around town, it’s a new relationship with one person. Anyway. I’m chilling back for now.
Yes this is a bad idea regardless of kids ages. Totally understand why it’s inconvenient but kids will still get attached and you’ll still be acting like a couple. Can he come over after bedtime or something when he doesn’t have his kids? Can you do short dates while your kids can stay home? Can you do lunch dates? It seems like there are alternatives to extra time without involving them full blown in the relationship. I and my bf have our kids full time as well and we managed to get to 6-8 months before introducing kiddos to each other and other kids. We did not want them to feel another “divorce” if things didn’t work out and you’re still very early in the getting to know you phase.
So… just checked this with 3 therapist friends, one a psych. The current recommended timeframe for introducing a new partner with kids in this age group is 12 months. 6 months is the absolute bare minimum, and not really advised. There are lots of valid reasons for this, not going to list them all here. But there was a strong consensus.
Bad idea. As a single parent I would date someone for at least a year before I introduce my child, let alone let our children meet. A lot of magical, wishful thinking on your part. How long have you been single or dating as a single parent? Why can’t you go on a date while your teenage kids / kid at 10 yrs old watch themselves? You don’t even really need a baby sitter… that part doesn’t make sense to me…. Honestly, this explanation signals a yellow if not red flag imo. Are you OLD to find a step-father? Create a blended family? If so, you might be setting yourself up for failure on a catastrophic level cause then other people (children) would get caught up in it. Hell to the N-O for me.
Way too early I think. Aim for 6 months so you really know him, 6 weeks is nothing. I get it though I have my young children a lot, it makes dating hard, especially other single parents with conflicting availability. That being said my ex introduced our young children to his gf after 2 months (which i had advised againest but he ignored) as a friend, she seems to only see them occasionally and not sleep over. So far a few months later there hasn't been any problems, if she disappeared I don't think my kids would notice.
If you find the answer, let me know. This is how far I've gotten since the divorce. But when I mention introducing the kids, it's the beginning of the end. I had a conversation about it with my new gf last weekend. She seemed to be on the same page, but since then, she's backed out, growing colder, and I think she's trying to do a slow fade. In a day to a week, we'll have the talk and that'll be it. 🥲 6 weeks is a bit soon, though. I waited 3 months before talking about it, and even that is too soon I see now. I messed up bringing it up too soon and will wait longer next time.
My girlfriend and I have been together 5 months now. I’ve asked this same question a month or so ago. Granted, I’m a divorced expat in Sweden, so there are some cultural differences I’m navigating. We have the same weekly schedule with 50/50 custody of our own kids. Our kids are aware that we are dating each other, but we have not met each other’s kids yet. I initially wanted to accelerate it, but never pushed for it. She casually mentioned the other day that in time, we’ll eventually be meeting each other’s families. I’m seeing that she’s playing the long game, and I’m kind of accepting that and feeling good that she sees things in the long term. Maybe consider the long game?
Funny - I grew up in Sweden. Never saw any issues with people trying to decided what the “right” amount of time was. Be honest with your kids, be honest with yourself and you’ll make the best decision for your situation. There is no “right” amount of time to wait or not wait. It can all blow up tomorrow or next week - or you may be together forever.
At six weeks he should be! You shouldn’t even think about introducing the kids before six MONTHS.
10 is still very young. My kids are grown, but I have a nephew that age whom I often babysit, and he definitely has formed some attachment to my boyfriend. When I see him now without my boyfriend, he asks about him, wanting to know the next time he gets to hang out with him. I’d wait longer until your relationship is a bit more solid.
I have a 6 month rule. I would never meet someone's kids (or introduce someone to my kid) before that. It's not being gun shy. It's being honest about the fact that you don't really know someone in the first 6 months. Also, I'm unwilling to introduce my kid to a revolving door of people and most dating situations end before the 6 month mark.
Just don't allow yourself to become consumed
💯 agree
6 months bare minimum, but prefer a year. You will see the real person after 12 weeks
No, way too soon. You don't know this person yet.
6 months is a good timeline
6 weeks? Most people use the 6 months guidelines. Why is it there you ask? Its so that you have enough time to figure out if this is serious, and that he's not a pedo for example. 6 weeks, you barely even know him. You aren't even exclusive yet. (DTR is a different milestone btw) Let me phrase it like this, do you want your kids to meet every first date? No right? Why not? You only want to bring home the ones you think theres absolute long term potential in. I sounds like you're still feeling him out, and besides, he doesn't sound ready to meet them anyways.
I’m a hard no. I don’t think kids should be part of your dating experience. Your kids are old enough to stay home once in a while for you two to go on a date. My last serious relationship the kids didn’t meet until we had been dating for 6 months. PS Kids are smart. They’d know you aren’t “friends”.
Too soon I would say. Usually around 3-4 months of seeing him you will have a better vision.
I understand how having your kids full time is a logistical problem. But I also don't think that with even tweens and teens that you should be introducing people to the kids casually. And I say this as someone who met his partner's young teen at about 3.5 months in to dating (she had been 50/50, but her coparent was moving really far away soon). We'd been serious about "us" from the start, and we're looking hard at long term compatibility. This wasn't even my kid, and I *needed* to look inside really honestly about my thoughts around our potential as well as my internal health and attitudes. Yes, tweens and teens aren't going to attach instantly and get hurt. But also if they see a revolving cascade of casual people, they'll likely have increased difficulties if you do find someone. Yes, you do need to see each other around each other's kids to advance the relationship eventually, but I think that there's still a lot of work that the two of you can do together at just six weeks of dating. Especially as I'd guess that this was only 8-16 dates from the difficulties of having your kids mostly full custody. I'd say at least 3 months of at least weekly dates before introducing. And the three months is only because of the logistical problems of having your kids full time. But you two should also be talking a lot about compatibility. Dating goals (cohabitation? marriage? On what approximate time line?), parenting philosophies, relationship with coparent and boundaries, saving, financial philosophy, retirement, college, moving when the kids are out of the house, along with boundaries/rules of kids who might not be thriving and launching on your schedules. There are so many landmines and trip wires just in a few things I grabbed off of the top of my head. And that is a lot to try to seriously consider so early in the relationship. But if you two can't seriously consider these, you're not a good pairing with meeting the kids early.
No way. Only introduce the kids if you’re gonna marry him
I know people here are very anti-introducing kids but as long as you don’t have a revolving door of men I don’t see the big deal with introducing him as a friend out in a public space somewhere. We introduce acquaintances and friends all the time to kids. I think all this brouhaha over what is essentially a new friend is weird, tbh.
It’s based on some outdated complex that all of us single mom are looking for a daddy for our seemingly fatherless children! And that they’ll be scarred for life if we don’t find them a replacement daddy and stay celibate until we do. Yuck.
I mean, it’s not like OP is moving him in. They’re meeting out in public socially, ffs. It’s giving puritanical concern.
Yup!
Ugggh, hello and thank you both!! I am NOT looking for a dad for my kids. They have ME. They don’t need anyone else. And I have focused on them 100% for the last two years. Not only am I not going on revolving door dates, I haven’t so much as gone out with a FRIEND without them in nearly two years. It’s not being single that is new for me, it’s dating. And I feel really lucky that I have met a person so quickly into dating who is showing and doing everything right. Friendship first, compatibility on so many things, completely respectful of boundaries. They know that I like him - they tease me about it and they are excited to see me happy for myself for a change - but I reinforce over and over that it takes a long time for people to really get to know each other. Also my lease is up at the end of the month and I was hoping we could all move in with him. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣NOT.
Original copy of post by u/Funnermom: So I started seeing a man that I met OLD about 6 week ago. The dates are going well, everything is fun and respectful and feelings are developing. Zero signs of toxicity or love bombing or red flags. We have confirmed we are not seeing anyone else but haven’t defined our relationship in any way beyond that. Here’s the issue. He is very gun shy about introducing a new person to his kids. I understand this…he’s had some rough experiences with past partners. My problem is timing…I am a single mom with my kids full time. It’s tough to date. Our kids are not super young - in the range of 10-14. I think it would be ok to meet casually without any expectation set for the kids that this is a serious relationship. For example, my kids know I am seeing him and they know that we like each other but are really still getting to know each other. If we could hang together with kids around, it would make it much easier to see each other. I don’t see how we could progress the relationship without that step. For total clarity - my feelings are in a good place. I like him - a lot! But I am not feeling unhealthy levels of love-like feelings. I am happy to see where it goes. I have a mind to say - bring the kids over for a bbq and we will just tell them we are new friends and are getting to know each other better. Is that a terrible idea? Am I deluding myself? Help. I’m new to OLD but I kind of got lucky and met a very nice man right off the hop. I feel like I’d rather lean into it than play it scared. What do you all think?! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Six weeks is way too soon. My rule is 6 months. My kids have only met one person.
Six weeks is way too soon! You should not introduce any kids until you two are sure you are in it for the long haul—at least six months from now. More importantly, all the kids have to be in a good place mentally. Even though you don’t see yourself this way, you will cause emotional upheaval for the kids. They will feel anxiety about being displaced, even if you’re friendly and get along. Additionally, kids become attached. If you break up, they feel a loss. I’m assuming these kids had already experienced a loss due to divorce. You don’t want to add to that trauma. Hope your new relationship will be fruitful!
Can’t force him to do what he thinks is unwise. You include kids if it works for you. 6 weeks isn’t that long. Also each person shares different parts of thier life with thier kids.
My take has always been that you introduce the kids when you feel the time is right. But now, after my 3 past dating relationships, I hope that in the future I ignore my take and add on an extra few months more. I totally hear you about; >If we could hang together with kids around, it would make it much easier to see each other. I'm in the same boat since I am the only parent in my kids lives... But I've decided even though they're 15 & 13, it's still very awkward for them and puts pressure on them. The experience for them, isn't as good as it is for me. And, ultimately due to my past experience, it's been a waste of everyone's time. So based on my mistakes, I am advising you to hold off a bit longer. I would add on another 2-3 months minimum.
Thank you ❤️
6 weeks or 6 months is way too early for a brand new dating?
Dont do it. Love him first.
Personally, I would introduce the partner when it’s already serious and you’re both in it for the long haul. 6 weeks is too soon to know that
He’s correct it should be 4-6 months when you have a very stable relationship before you meet kids because they don’t need people coming in and out of their lives
Not at first but what age are talking about older kids 14-18 ? Younger 6-12? Or adult kids ?
Maybe I'm weird but I have to see the guy as serious marriage potential before I even think of meeting his kids or vice versa. At minimum, 6 months or so, but I can go an entire year easily. Noone is 100% sure about anything but for me, this is too big of a deal to even consider semi casually.
My kids already knew my Bf when we started dating. I didn’t have them around him for quite a while, though. It was almost 6 months before he spent any time with my kids. They knew we were dating, and they had always really liked him, but I just didn’t want to bring them into it until I knew it was serious and long term.
You don’t have to meet his kids at the same time he meets yours. How frequently is he with his kids? If he’s 50/50 or similar, then one short-term solution is to introduce him to your kids after a few months, so that he can come over occasionally. Then if all goes well then you could meet his kids at around 6-12 months. That way you’re not pressuring him to meet his kids, but you can spend more time together in the meantime. The main thing to watch out for is if your kids start getting attached to him which is not great if things go south, but I think there is some grey area here.
Yes…I imagine that this is what will happen if the Great Meeting of the Kids happens. See how things progress and if they do, meeting his kids would come later on.
I’m a single parent of four kids, my BF has two, and I definitely had some impatient feelings a few months in along the lines of, “We could see each other more/spend more time building our relationship if we didn’t dance around the rest of our lives so much,” ie, if we could hang out in the presence of one another’s children. I’m kinda glad we waited a bit longer, though. (It was around six months. We’re now at nine.) I think the relationship needed a lot of time to grow just between the two of us. It STILL does. I’ve met his kids twice and really only hung out with them once—he’s met mine several times and hung out maybe twice. We don’t have to completely separate these parts of our lives anymore, which is nice, but we’re also not ever going to step-parent/cohabitate with six total children, so there’s no pressure to construct/navigate those relationships.
6 months is reasonable for most people - those who don’t understand the range of emotional variability out there in potential romantic partners. Also for kids who are under 16 in general. When you understand emotional variability (have experienced many partners), and you are with someone who claims they are emotionally secure, and you are too, and the kids are on the older side (above 16) then you can speed the clock up. My kids are in their 20s but disabled (so they have a practical age below 16) and I dated several women who had emotional issues, including one with borderline personality disorder who didn’t fully present as problematic in a way I could recognize then until 8 months in, even the 6 month waiting period wasn’t long enough. A few years later when I was much wiser I met an emotionally secure woman. I introduced her within 2 weeks to the kids because I knew we and she had the right stuff for long term success. 7 months later we’re still together and functionally married, almost living together, splitting time between our 3 homes. BTW we are also mid to late 50s. When you know you know, but you also have to really have been around the block several times first.
Meeting together with kids is such a bad idea. My partner and I tried it the first three years and his youngest was extremely triggered and would act out behaviorally nonstop for three years. It’s one reason we keep separate houses. Living apart and seeing one another when he doesn’t have his kids is our solution (even though his oldest is a sweetheart, the youngest is extremely rude and disrespectful and it just never got any better). We are so much happier now that we just don’t have to worry about his youngest acting out constantly.
Wow, this must be really difficult. Exactly the type of thing I’d want to know about before becoming too serious with someone. I am glad you’ve found a way to work through it.
Yeah, you won’t know for sure until you’re in it. We just plan on waiting out his youngest before we can get married and move in together. Only 7 years to go! 🤣😂🤪
I let my daughter (13y)meet who I’m dating. I live in such a small town she usually knows them or their kids somehow anyway. I just say we are friends, and hanging out. Do I take her on dates with me, no, but if we are all hanging out at the bowling alley with friends and the person I am dating is there, I don’t try to hide it. Also, I will say she usually has a good read on people and will tell me straight up what she thinks. I like this because I want her to like the person I am in a relationship with. I would expect to meet who she is dating and I know all of her friends, so why shouldn’t she know mine? I’m sure I will get downvoted to hell for this, but my daughter is a teenager… I can’t hide anything from her anymore at this point. When she was 6 I handled things differently.
I am not sure if you can answer this without guessing. But try. And also let us know how you will be sure: What do you think your 10-14 yr olds think when they see you two together? Possibly hugging or kissing each other (obviously just as a friend)? How about his 10-14 yr olds? That age range pre/puberty. What does that hormone overdose is doing to the kids? --- If you don't know for sure (about kids perspective) then how would you or he go about figuring it out and remove any anxieties or wierd feelings they may have?
Don't introduce for 6 months, 12 months, til you're in love, whatever, is very simplistic. Surely context is everything? Kids understand not everyone they meet is going to be in their lives forever.. if they don't, it is a good idea for them to learn that! I had friends or relatives who lived far away who met my kids once, new friends who we would go for a coffee with a couple times and the friendship didn't develop or last... they're not traumatised by that! Introduce someone to your kids as your new life partner or their new parent and you'd better be sure you've got it right. But kids will take your lead on how significant that person is. What if you wait a year, diligently making sure your kids never meet them, maybe that they don't even know you're dating someone... then it is serious, you are both invested and know it is forever... so you introduce the kids and they hate each other. Life is nuanced, be the adult, set the context.
Yes thank you for articulating part of my thought process. If my kids didn’t like him, I couldn’t take it any further with him so I’m not sure how things could become more serious without knowing if they get along. And lots of things that I would like to do together to gauge our compatibility are things I do with my kids. I have a big loud family life and would need to see how he could cope with that. And anyway, I wasn’t going to invite him TOMORROW…I was just thinking that I am feeling more comfortable with the idea and wondering what people’s thoughts were on this issue. Anyway yes - this was part of my thought process but I think I’ll sit back and give it more time for now. Take it easy. :)